Bloodsport - Crucifix Spurs Is A Vibe

The boys talk about one of the most foundational films to the martial arts genre, defining many of its most treasured tropes--secretive high-stakes tournaments, fists soaked in gore, the burning warrior spirit and dudes threateningly making their pecs bounce like a couple of evil hams.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Imagine if Jim Boree was a betting event, and imagine if you just couldn't stop winning. Would you let those little children beat each other up? And if so, how much how sick do you think that would be? It's blood sport, everybody, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Welcome to Slop Culture. Yes, welcome to Slop Culture, the happy hour podcast where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity. I am your host, Sam Sykes, and with me, as always, a man who has gone on the record proudly as refusing to watch the Mandalorian and Grogu or any other Star Wars movie until George Lucas answers his question whether getting fried with force lightning makes you piss yourself or not. It's Will Palmer.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Because George honestly has responded to a lot of my questions. Um when I asked about whether or not uh Mace Windu pooed after he got you know thrown out of that window by uh by Sheeh Palpatine. He responded within minutes.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

What did he say?

SPEAKER_00 1:03

No, but um I was because Mace Windu apparently only used like a liquids-based diet. Oh. Yeah, so it was more of like a you know, I guess the implication would be that yeah, he did explosively piss himself when he impacted Carganth's streets at terminal velocity, but uh Yeah, but like you're you're kind of like liquid is kind of coming out of everything at that point. At that point, yeah. Yeah, he's R.I.B. to uh to Sam Jackson. Shout out to Sam Jackson. Yeah, go ahead. What's with all these practical effects, man? I want a CGI Grogu. I want to look into the Uncanny Valley. I don't want a puppet, dude. No.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

I want to look into the uncanny valley. That's fucking beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Um, I probably won't see Mandalorian in Grogu like until like it's available somewhere I can watch it for free.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

And I yeah, I I kind of blame it. I I don't want to see it. I'm sorry. Like I I seriously don't want to put down any Star Wars fans. I'm just I'm I'm kind of burnt out, bro. Like yeah. I just I I have not seen a Star Wars thing that's I've really liked in a while, you know. Like Andor was real good. I've heard Andor see see I agree with you, I agree with you, and I've watched I have not watched all of Andor, but uh I want to say this. I as with all things I agree with Mike Staklasa, where I think he said, and I'm paraphrasing badly, I think, that he said Andor was like almost too good to be a Star Wars movie, and I I I feel like I get what he's trying to say by that, and like I do think I agree, where it's like I don't think I like grounded Star Wars that much, you know. Like I I kind of enjoy the campy whimsy, you know.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Like you didn't really fuck with Rogue One, did you? I don't like Rogue One. Oh man, that is a devastatingly bad take, but explain, I'll allow you to defend yourself. They did that at Nuremberg too.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

I don't I I think it's a very well-made movie, except for the fact that I think there were like way too many characters.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Yeah, there were a shit ton of characters. I think you could have just done Jane Urso, uh Jin Urso, I think, and uh uh canceled and the droid, dude, K2SO and the droid, and then and then uh and then I think Donnie Yen's character, and I think that would have been fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Like I think that was it. Like just have Donnie Yen there as as you know a representative of the force in some capacity.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

The fucking I think that was his name, the sidekick character. Like, what did he fucking do?

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Someone tell me what he like he crashed and then he shot a couple of guys, and then it's like and then at the end it's like, no, Bayes! Like, I'll never for like it's Bayes, right? Like, if it had ended that way, that would have been so much fucking funny. It's like, oh I'm sorry it didn't end this way, uh Cassian. Like it's like, oh no, no, it's it's it it's all it's alright, uh dude. Like Cassian calls Jin like Jade, and she's like, wait, what's like he just doesn't know anyone's name? He's like there's too many I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like, agree with me. There's too many characters, and then like but I'll tell you this. I had to take a sippy poo, I got so worked up.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Um You're about to sing the praises of Solo, a Star Wars story?

SPEAKER_01 4:29

No, no, I did not see solo. Uh I will level with you. I think Rogue One kind of killed my interest in Star Wars for this reason. In like, and I'm going to while I'm uttering blasphemies, here's another one.

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Yeah, hit me with the blasphemies, dude. I'll see you in the world.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

I think I think I do not think uh the the the Death Star blowing up in the first Star Wars needs defending. I know everyone's like, like, I know it's popular to be like, oh, like the why did they build a vulnerable space? Like, no, they it's very clearly a heat, and they clearly say it's an exhaust port, right? Like, yeah, like all that heat has to go somewhere, and they actively point out that it's an impossible shot at the end of a heavily guarded trench. Like they are guarding it, like tons of motherfuckers.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

They got cannons out the asset.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Like that weak spot needs to be there because it it's it like it needs that to function.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

It's got to exhaust somewhere, bro.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Otherwise, and the Empire is aware of this. That's why it's they point out that it's a fucking suicide mission.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

And then it's like, oh no, Mads Mickelson actually does it.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Yeah, and it yeah, and in fact, uh at the end, like Luke actually has to use fucking magic to make it. Like that it's that hard of a shot.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Fucking red one can't even make the shot. That guy's a battery.

SPEAKER_01 5:44

Yeah, like like that's the whole point, is that Luke fucking like that's such an impossible long shot. Like, and that made the rebels look clever, it made them look desperate, and it really increased the stakes. And then we get Rogue One, and oh, actually, no, that's that was there all along. Oh, okay. So like the rebels weren't actually clever and brave, like Yeah. But again, like if if if you put a hidden weak spot in it, why the fuck does uh why the fuck does the Empire guard it so much? Like That's a good point. Like, I mean this is just my thing. I don't think it needed to be to be to be I didn't think it needed that. Like I didn't think it needed. Yeah, like like to me it just felt like milking for content and like I can understand that. Like everyone's doing that. What I can't forgive is that it retroactively makes a good movie worse. Oh because because like it it it robs the it robs the rebels of some aura, I would say.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

My counterpoint though, hallway scene.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Hallway scene, pretty good, and like pretty good.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

That's it.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I I'm I'm I get again though, it's like, oh well, there's a lightsaber. Like, yeah, and I get it, but like at the end, like I think that's kind of the movie admitting, like, okay, yeah, like yeah, like we we are a little strapped for ideas here.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Admittedly, I will admit, there is a little bit of a logical flaw there in that Darth Vader is there's supposed to be like at least like a patina of a plausible lie that Leia has when she's telling Darth Vader this is a diplomatic mission. It's like, no, he just saw you fly away, he was like 10 feet away from that ship. He for sure knows it was you.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah, yeah. And like now he looked also like an ass. This is this is this is really nitpicking, so like don't if if you if you just shrug this off, I won't blame you. But like it feels very strange to see like Darth Vader like mowing through dudes if if and then like going to very and then like and then and then knowing that he like goes to much more like practical effects later where like yeah where like he doesn't really do that all the time.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

It's like no, yeah, he's not like you know levitating people into the ceiling and getting hard kills.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

We didn't have that budget back then.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Yeah, we had like some very small plastic strips and a lot of hotspah.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Yeah, yeah, which I mean, but that's my take on Rogue One. Too many characters. That said, like it had some moments. Like I really liked the part where uh K2, the droid, like sacrificed himself. Uh and like I really like I really thought it was powerful how he was being like extremely logical and like operating the controls even as he was like taking more and more damage and he was just getting ground down to nothing. I liked that, and like you know, I obviously I love connection, I I love sexual stakes, and I think there were some in this one. I mean, uh like I did like the the embrace at the end, like I liked that human connection. I just don't think any of those things was enough to like justify the movie. That that's it, that's it.

unknown 8:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

I and like I'll the the things that everyone praises about it, I'll fucking cop to that. Like, yeah, the action's fucking cool. Okay, the fucking uh like the fucking uh the the walkers on the beach. I like that. Like I was about to say space D Day vibes almost the beach. Really like it's like no one's saying it's bad on spectacle. I fucking love that. Like, and like I'm like being totally real, like I I that's my that's one of my favorite tropes from any fantasy or sci-fi thing is an enormous walking thing. Okay, yeah, kind of tripods in uh well or like the or like the Moomakill from like I I know a lot of people don't like Return of the King, but I fucking love most people are entitled to have a bad opinion, but we don't get it. Yeah, I mean like well I I mean I get that too. Like I get like it is true that like once the invincible ghost army shows up, like it alright, well yeah, we are kind of just but I don't care, I don't care. I fucking I fucking love the Pelinor Fields, I fucking love I love the the ro the charge of the Roherim. I fucking love uh when Theodon is like like drive them to the river and then looks up and then just instantly shits himself because the witch king of Angmar rolls in, yeah. But also like the Moomakill are kind of like oh yeah, that too. You zoom in on the orcs like parting as the Moomakill feet come down, and it looks so fucking cool.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Like so fucking cool, dude.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

And then just that whole sequence with like fucking uh Carl Urban taking a guy out with a spear, like ah, mmm. Like I just top tier, top tier. It's like if it is if it is slop, that it's one of these piggy loves his slop moments, like yeah, uh piggy loves his ghost army.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

Two quick asides. One, like I always kind of ground my gears hearing people argue about like, why didn't he just bring the eagles in earlier? It's like, yeah, because there was like nine crazy ghost king motherfuckers riding around on killer dragons before that, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Well, that and like the entire point of the movie is that only a hobbit utterly powerless and content with life thematically, yeah, but like logically speaking. Well, no, no, like logically as well. Like, this is the whole reason that Gandalf says he won't touch it, because it will he will realize what he can do with it and he'll be too tempted. Same goes for the Eagles. Like, if the Eagles had the ring, like, because you know, the ring can theoretically, you know, grant your desires, it has a lot of power, right? It's it doesn't just turn you invincible or invisible, sorry.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Uh, but that's the whole point is that uh only fro like literally only a hobbit that like leads a pretty decent life.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Um country motherfucker who doesn't have the imagination that I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

And then and then it turns out even he can't do it. Like he also, like at the very end, he gets corrupted, and it's only because Smeagol wants it more that's yeah that that goes.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Like a rule or what the Lord of the Rings people are gonna come for me with pitchforce.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yeah, well, like, but like you know, we're we're we're we're go we're going by that lot. Like, I I again I think the Eagles thing is like I think it's more I I think it's more meme than than meat. More meme than meat. How do you like that?

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Second shout-outs to Carl Urban. We'll do like a longer like sub-episode on the boys, probably, but I thought he did very well throughout the entirety of the boys and the finale. Yeah, he did the crowbar thing, and I was happy. Piggy loves his slop, piggy loves his practical effects.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Piggy loves his practical effects. I I do want to get off this topic, but I do have just one question for you. And like, I I I apologize. This one, this this might be complicated and maybe a little uncomfortable. Uh oh. But like, like hyp hyp hypothesize this. There's a Sith Lord about to do some great evil and he's fighting a Jedi Master, and he overpowers the Jedi Master and he's about to I let's just say he's about to like push the button to to uh launch the Death Star. Okay or you know, fire the Death Star. If the Jedi Master used the force to jerk him off real quick, and if in jerking off he achieved post-nut lucidity and overcame his evil impulses, and overcame his evil impulses, is that a act of the light side or the dark side? Because that's you you can't do that. You can't force jerk off someone like just like that. That's that's bad, but you did it to achieve a greater and indeed it achieved lasting good because now the sense is like, what have I done?

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Kind of like a trolley problem, but gay.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Oh god. I hate you.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

I guess unless one of the unless it was like a female Jedi master doing the ghost jerk. I was gonna say in my head it was it was like Qui-Gon.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

Yeah, I I I went there too. Like that like Qui-Gon and Darth Maul, and then like you know, it does that freak Kiadi Mundy. Yeah, or and then like and then like you know, what does Darth Maul's dick look like? So obviously we can't go down this. We can't go down this can't do it.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

But is that like I would say that's like gray Jedi, like trending more towards the light side, but it's like too kinky to be light. The gray Jedi just have all sorts of fucked up powers, like they just use like sexy fucking force into the city.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

They they can't force choke you, but they can jerk you off.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Yeah, you go after them and suddenly you feel like your nipples being gently teased by like mostly hands.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

What the fuck? Like they don't have the mind trick, but they can blow from anywhere in the room and you'll feel it on your ear, and you're like, oh yeah. Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

That's the true gray Jedi way.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

This is the way of the gray Jedi. The way of the open hand and the closed fist.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

They were too freaky for Yoda.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Yoda is just like, fuck this, oh god. Like too kinky this is! Like he just drops the entire voice and it's so fucked up. He's like, oh god, oh fuck this horror. You guys are fucking sick. You guys are sick. You guys are fucking assholes. I'm getting it.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Their entire temple is just sneaky.

SPEAKER_02 15:10

Yoda goes like fucking Puritan. Like just stop gooting, you must. Have a trad wife, you must.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

He becomes a trad influencer.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Jobs women should not have. Homemakers they must be. That's horrible.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

Oh my god. I I I I don't like this version of Yoda we've agree with that.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

He like knows that Padme's gonna die and he lets her die just because he thinks she shouldn't have a job.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

He's a fucking or like that's even better. He's just a fucking prick. He's like, yeah, she's gonna Or maybe that's what he actually enjoys, is like knowing that people are gonna do mmm. Maybe the gray Jedi actu the gray Jedi actually threw him out.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

Yeah. Like, Yoda, buddy, we're weird, but like that's just evil.

SPEAKER_02 16:10

Watch the light leave their eyes. The only thing that excites me anymore, it is lived a long life, I have. Seen a lot of shit, have I?

SPEAKER_03 16:26

A distant memory pleasure is.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

I mean, if you think about it, Yoda might be kind of like um, you know, the Dark Eldar in 40k, how like they can technically live forever as long as they keep watching like fucked up stuff, so they have to keep watching more and more fucked up like gladiatorial events and stuff. So maybe that's like what Joda.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Fucking Joda Yoda's more likable but much less pleasant brother.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Like hey, well, it's me, Joda. In the house, Joda is.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

No. I'm sorry, but Yoda had a stroke sometime back. It's about this time he started saying all that awful stuff. You know, I try to take I try to take care of him, but these Jedi just keep coming around asking him to train them. Alright, we all right, I'm I'm content. I this this this went weirder than I thought it would.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Yeah, Joda's a good code. He's on par with Dracula.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

I I I think I have a hard I think I have a softer spot for Dracula.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

He's less actively evil.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

He's less actively evil. Plus, you know, like Dracula's only sin is being kind of annoying about trains. Like that's that's you can forgive that.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Yeah. You know who else was kind of annoying about trains. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

Oh my god. I feel I feel like I'm I was just in a in a in a bank that got robbed. Like I feel like I just felt saw a masked guy come in and fire a shotgun at me. Oh god, and now I'm like, and now I'm pissing and shitting myself.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

The guy's wearing a Yoda mask.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

It actually is him. He's just he's he's been he's been around so long that he could just morally justify anything he does now.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

Not people corporations are.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

If not meant to do this was I. Stop me, God would. Oh no. If love you, God did, not me, he would have created.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

I I take it back. I do like site. I I like sociopath Yoda better than Tradwife Yoda. Yeah. Oh my god. Alright, um, we are meant to talk about uh Blood Sport, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and the movie, I believe. The one that put him on the map.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

That made him an icon. Uh, and in fact, like, made him so many icons that some of those icons are still around today. And in fact, here's a fucking uh six degrees to Carl Urban. Carl Urban plays Johnny Cage in the new Mortal Kombat movie. Johnny Cage was based off Jean-Claude Van Damme in Bloodspin. The fucking splits uppercut. Right down to the split ball uppercut. You see that in this movie. And like uh in uh in the very first Mortal Kombat uh game, Johnny Cage is uh has a has that that weird little sash that they all wear. Oh yeah. You're right. Yeah. So like we'll talk about that too. Um it is traditional before we do that though, uh, to have a little banter, a little, a little check-in, a little check-in, because this is a happy hour podcast. It's it's uh not just about talking about movies, it's about it's about talking about just uh, you know, being a dude sometimes, being a being a man and facing facing stuff that men face.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Before you get to business, you show up in the neighborhood, you check in, Compton rules.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yeah. Okay. Alright, but this is what I wanted to bring up. We can see each other, because you're you're we have we have webcams on.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

We do.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

And your setup uh faces an open door.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

Yeah, like behind me, you can see like that.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

Yeah, yeah, and sometimes sometimes sometimes I'm worried that I'm going to see something cross that door because like I it's it's hard to explain, but you have like this perfect haunted house lighting. Oh good. In that in that in that area. Like like uh like like you have like but specifically like daytime haunting, like in fucking uh Insidious when when the lady sees the the little boy dancing to the radio. You think there would be like a creature, yeah, yeah. So like I don't know what it's gonna be. And like I'll I'll tell you why I'm concerned is one, because I don't know what would be in your house, but two and like I I I want you to bear with me here. Okay I don't know if I would say anything.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

I mean, yeah, that's like a tricky situation to be in. Like, what it's like.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

That's a tricky situation, but also like I I I'd be curious. I would be curious. You know? Like, like, and I know you can see yourself. So I I understand this whole this whole exercise is ridiculous, but uh I'm just saying, like, I I would at least want to see what it was that was creeping up behind you.

SPEAKER_00 21:48

Like I would want to know decapitating you with a single swing of its mighty claw.

SPEAKER_01 21:53

Well, see that's the thing. Does it have claws? Is it something else? Is it like uh is it like a Slenderman, a Slenderman sort of a situation? Where like you're uh I don't I actually don't know what Slender Man does to people.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Like unclear.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Like like it is really like in the games, like you're you just go static, and like I I get that that's bad, but like I don't know what that physically looks like.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Right, they're turning into static, sure.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

Yeah, yeah, like I I guess that would be like that does sound that does sound bad. Like if I was turning into static, that would suck. But uh you know, other than that, I'm not quite sure what Slender Man does. So like if there was a Slenderman situation, I I think I would say something because I feel like that would just be annoying, you know?

SPEAKER_00 22:37

It's like ah I got got Slenderman again. What if he showed up and he was wearing like a lime greed tie and like a pair of like matching like Nike dunks?

SPEAKER_01 22:47

See, you you sold me something really funny and then sold me something very cool on the like like the idea the idea of fucking Slenderman and Dunks is fucking this incredibly fresh, uncreased dunks.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

Like he takes pride in the streets.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

He doesn't even have a problem with you.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

You just accidentally step on his shoes and then like scrape the suede a little bit and he turns to look at you.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

He looks at you, and that's how the hormones dude fucking oh god though. I I actually I like that. I like if if Slender Man in Dunks shows up, like I mean, is that scarier or less scary? I feel like that's like more like hey Slender! Yeah, like I'm happy to see Slender Man in Dunks. Like I immediately so like maybe that's how he effectively like kills people is like he she shows up in in casual Slender Man in a tracksuit.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Oh, that's a good Halloween costume. Another question, if Slender Man, if you're like hosting like a social event, like not like a full like party party, but you know, like a good like 10-15, maybe people your place, you know, hanging out, boozing, playing whatever, you know, cards against humanity or whatever the fuck, and then Slender Man shows up. Like, what's your move? Because I know I would just be like, hey guys, Slender Man's here, and just like open the door and just let him in.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

I probably isn't the right thing to do, but that would be my No, I mean like like I think my first question would be like which one of us is he here for? Because like I I'm sorry to admit that I know I know more like I know a non-embarrassing amount, or like no, I I do know an embarrassing amount, a not not embarrassing amount of information about Slender Man, and I feel like he's typically portrayed as like a stalker type, like he he targets one person and then like follows them around, and like you know, the the the horror part is that he typically appears in the background and he's like so tall and thin that you barely notice him. Sure. That was his original uh appeal, anyways, is that he's hard to spot and like he kind of blends in.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

But uh that like I'm thinking that scenario, it's like you're at a party when like like some dude shows up who's like really into a like a girl you're friends with, and she's like, Oh god. And you're like, I got this. And you just have to like your job is to make that guy as uncomfortable as possible with like conversational topics until he leaves.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

So you're you're you're trying to cringe Slender Man away. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Alright, well, I uh could can I go let me go a little deeper with this? Uh what if you're dating a girl and then she's like and and like things are going well, like you're you're starting to like actually plan long term. Okay, okay. And then she's like, I'm sorry, like before we get really serious, you gotta know this. I got Slenderman. Oh. Like, like I got I got Slendermans and you're like Well, like, you know, like you know, like it's it's like I got the Sl I got this the chicken pox, I got the I got the the shingles, I got the Slenderman, you know, like and then she's like she like opens the window and there he is, and he's just fucking staring. Is he jumping off her? No, no, no. I I I and then a Jedi shows up and jacks him off to say like run, run while you can.

SPEAKER_02 26:02

Like, wife, you must make her marry her in a Catholic church, you must. Only the only in the Pope's eyes. Is this legitimate?

SPEAKER_00 26:13

Shout out Pope Leo.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Shout out Pope Leo. Uh we know you're a big fan.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

Uh we have gotten your mail. We're working three. We gotta leave.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

We have gotten your mail. Yes, yeah. I guess we do talk a little too much about uh ghosts, but you know what, Pope Leo? Like just just quit fu like like I know you're used to riding in the back seat, but this is not the place for back seat podcasting, sir.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

Feel free to to come on the show. Yeah, feel free to come on the show. Uh you really like Boondoc Saints, we can talk about that.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

You know, if you want if the Pope wants to come on and talk about Boondock Saints, we will we'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. It well actually, yeah. Does the Pope does the cat does the Pope forgive the Boondoc Saints for what they did because you know they took the law into their own hands?

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Yeah, but like this is big on dual-wielding pistols.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

Like, like maybe that is in the in in the catechism where like if you're doing it, if you're John wooing it, then it then you have maybe that was on one of the commandments.

SPEAKER_00 27:17

But no, I I would be a little freaked out if the if the girl had like a history with the Slenderman. I'd want to like figure out like I guess the details, I'd want to unpack it some. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:24

So I well I I guess I guess that's the question there. Is like is like are are you inclined to bow out then? Like if she said like you know, I won't I won't blame you if you if you want to break up, like I should have told you. So like do you break up with her or or do you or do you but you you're saying you would uh you would help her out.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Well, okay. This is gonna make me sound bad, but like how hot is this chick?

SPEAKER_01 27:48

If this were a different cryptid, you would definitely do it. She's that attractive. Oh shit. Like if she was getting chupacabra, you you would probably you would probably help out.

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Hear me out here. This is this is what I would do. I'd think outside the box.

unknown 28:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

I go chat with Slenderman and um I would ask him, like, hey bro, like if you like keep it low-key, I'll like keep some shrubbery around for you to hang out behind. But you have to be one of the groomsmen if we get married. Oh man, that is turned him into a member of the of the kind of unit, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Make him feel a little welcome, but also establish boundaries.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Dude, this is this is I was gonna say, like, this is that's actually pretty clever. And then I'm like, even low key, I'll install some trubberry. Yeah. That's such a sinister sentence. Alright, fuck. I've I've I've bantered myself out. I want to talk to you about blood sport.

SPEAKER_00 28:45

Yep, starring the Jean-Claude Vend, directed by Lou Arnold.

SPEAKER_01 28:50

And and a very young Forrest Whitaker. Yes. And he fucking rules in it because he's fucking he's Forrest fucking Whitaker. Uh I believe I was the one that recommended this. As you know, here on Pop uh Slop Culture, uh we don't do the same, like just recap the whole fucking hour. We limit it to two minutes, two artistic, tasteful minutes, and whoever recommended the movie uh keeps time. Will, are you ready to sum up in your most tasteful of uh and descriptions what happened in Bloodsport. I am Alright, in three, two, one, go.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

Alright, uh Jean-Claude Vendamme plays Frank Dukes, who's like just about the baddest motherfucker you never heard of. Um he works for the military, I forget what rank he is, but he's a high enough rank to make somebody wait outside the shower while he showers, and then escapes from his military base. Because I guess he's going on furlough, but he really wants to fight in this like deadly martial arts tournament called the Kumite, which I think is happening in Hong Kong, I think. Um so he goes there, he uh spends some time paying a visit to uh Mr. Tanaka, the uh man who raised and trained him. Um there's some bullshit that happened, there's a backstory behind that, but I'm gonna skip that because it doesn't really matter that much. Uh he's fighting to represent Tanaka in uh the Kumite after Tanaka's son was, I believe, killed in like a previous kumite, because this shit is deadly as a motherfuck. It's like a real uh you can call it a blood sport. Oh and uh so anyway, uh he goes to join the kumite. Meanwhile, Forrest Whitaker and another, like, I guess, military policeman are pursuing him. Um everybody knows about the kumite, it's not much of a secret tournament. So he very easily figures out where it is. He meet befr uh Jean-Claude Vontam, Frank Dukes befriends Jackson, an American fighter. The two of them enter the kumite and fight their way through it against uh Chong Lee as the main antagonist. He's this a preposterously yoked dude who like apparently just wrecks shit at the kumite. And uh Jackson is uh defeated and hospitalized by uh Chong Li. And Frank Dukes take this takes this unkindly. So they fight through, I believe, to the finals of the Kumite. As that happens, uh Frank Dukes uh seduces, I guess, um, this uh chick whose name I forget. But he's like real hot. Um and uh she's trying to she's a journalist trying to infiltrate the kumite, and he's like, nah, it's the kumite, I can't help you, but she gets in anyway. And um so then there's this like great final showdown between Frank Dukes and uh Chong Lee. And despite some of Chong Lee's underhead into tactics, like throwing fucking salt in his eyes, Frank Dukes manages to recall crucial parts of his training from Tanaka and uh defeats Chong Lee and wins the kumite. And uh then things just kind of work out, like Forrest Whitaker and the other guy are like, you're chill, and Frank just goes about his shit. Time. It's also based on a true story.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Yeah, all right, we'll start then. Allegedly like this movie is based off the founder of Dukes Rayou, of the Dukes Rayou school of ninjutsu, Frank's Dragon style. Yeah, yeah. Uh fucking uh Jean-Claude. And and before we do that, can I ask? Have I been saying it wrong this whole time? Is it Von Damme, right? I think so. It is Van Damme.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

Uh-uh. I mean, you can say it that way. I was Van Dom.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

I was going off the Will Smith uh school where like he in uh during an episode of Fresh Prince, he looked at himself in the mirror and said, Jean-Claude Van Dam, I look good. And I'm like, I mean, that's a good joke. Yeah, that is a good joke, but it's all right, we'll call it well, Jean-Claude Vandam. He is he's playing Frank Dukes in this. And Frank Dukes is a man who claims to have been a five-year champion of a secret underground blood sport, uh, full contact martial arts tournaments called the Kunimate, and he holds like a billion records from it, and he's like the world's deadliest warriors, and they made a movie out of it, and then that movie became a cult classic, and then some people said, like, well, hang on a minute, like how come you're the only person that we can get to talk about this, and like a bunch of other stuff. So we'll just say uh there is some dispute. There's some dispute about uh Frank Dukes's honesty here.

SPEAKER_00 33:08

Um his participation in the the kumite, the existence of the kumite itself, in fact. Um we can all admit it's like a pretty badass like concept.

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Yes. Uh and let's be real, if he is dishonest, the worst thing he did is just pitch a cool idea that they decided to make into a movie. Like well, I guess I guess you could argue, like, because he did found a school of ninjutsu. Right. So like you you could argue that he might be swindling people, but uh legend. I don't know. I don't know. I think if you're signing up for like online ninjutsu courses, like I'd I I gotta imagine the cards were stacked against you to begin with.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Like I do want to touch really quickly on uh before the credits start, the movie Freeze Frames, and it actually tells us the audience about some of Frank Duke's like real life uh achievements.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

Um, and I wrote those down to share with the audience. Uh his fastest knockout was in 3.2 seconds. Okay. Um his fastest punch with a knockout, and I'm quoting these directly from the film, fastest punch without knockout was 0.12 seconds. Okay. Um, fastest kick with a knockout uh was at 72 miles per hour. Okay. Alright. Most consecutive knockouts in a single tournament, 56. And that makes me wonder like how big was this fucking tournament? Like that's a humongous bracket.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

He's basically saying, what if Mortal Kombat? And guess what? Mortal Kombat's a fucking great, great game.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

Who's your favorite Mortal Kombat character? Or I guess like top three.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

I can't it can't be like a-cause one of mine is Scorpion. I love the bound back square fucking telephone. I feel yeah, I just I just feel so fucking basic for liking Scorpion because everybody likes Scorpion.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

Everybody likes Scorpion, right?

SPEAKER_01 34:53

And like I think he's one of these Jack Sparrow type characters where he's just better as a side character, you know? Like, I I feel like his main his main thing does not lend itself well. Like, I think I do like Lu. I think Lu Kang has grown on me a lot. Like Lu Kang's fun. Like the bicycle kick is fucking iconic. Uh I really like uh I think it was MKX. Their version of Smoke. Oh, yeah. Where is this like badass this badass ninja with like white hair? He fucking the gray mask. He looks fucking sick as hell. I love that. Uh and then I gotta say, I like Katana. Like, I think I like that her I think her her story lends itself best, but I just I like her vibe so much. Like I even in from her first appearance, she's always been like a very high fashion fighting character. She like look and like I mean this as a compliment. Like, she does look like a combat Barbie, and that fucking rules, like, yeah, like like that's not intended to be demeaning at all. That just means she looks fucking sick as hell and put together in like a very specific error, and it makes sense for her character. She's a princess, so like plus fucking fan razor fans.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

That's fucking sick. That's pretty sick, dude. Razor fans that she can like throw, like that. Yeah, yeah. How about you though? I used to like striker just because I thought it was funny, like that he was like one of the only ones bringing a fucking gun to a whole power is gun and nightstick. It's like yeah, that was it's kind of a one-note thing, but I thought that was funny. I liked uh Raiden because he has like where he flies across the screen like a Superman.

SPEAKER_03 36:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Um, and then in more recent games, I played a lot of Baraka just because I thought it was fun, just to be like armblades, mash, mash, mash, mash, mash.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

Yeah, Baraka is very cool, like very conceptually cool. Like when I was a kid, Mortal Kombat 2 was the fucking shit. Like that was everyone fucking loved that. Like, like, I guess this is a good way to this is a good uh way to segue into this. Like Blood Sport is an incredibly culturally important movie, despite how fucking shit it is. Like, yeah. I love this movie, but the writing is shit. The acting is shit. And like I I mentioned this. I actually do I do kind of have a fond nostalgia for uh the era where like action heroes could not act. And like, you know, like like it was all only athletes could do really impressive shit on camera, but athletes didn't know how to act. But we we didn't fucking care. Like, that's how we got Arnold, man. Like, like, like nobody said like, oh, this guy can't act. They just they just wrote another big European. Yeah, they just well, they just f fucking wrote roles where he didn't talk that much. That was fucking genius. Like in Conan the Barbarian, yeah, he says like 10 words, and the rest of the time he's fucking punching camels and swinging swords, wielding blades, yeah. It fucking works. Like it were and then in fucking Terminator, he barely says anything, he just fucking looks cool and shoots shit. It works. Like he just Arnold was blessed in that he discovered a lot of directors who really knew his strengths.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Yeah. Um, and I will say in this movie, because JCVD um I'd say it was like somewhat early days when it came to his like use of English, um potentially. But I did like that they found like for the flashback scenes, they found a kid who also like simultaneously could like murder the English language, just like JCVD.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They found a kid there's a flashback, so like the whole movie goes that there's the first like 30 minutes or flashback where it's just explaining we're fucking we're fucking a a young kid, a young Frank Dukes, i.e. a kid doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme impression, gets fucking like Frank Dukes. My name is Frank Dukes, I want your katana sword. But like he gets caught stealing a katana by Mr. Tanaka and his son. And Mr. Tanaka, and like this I just I want to talk about this because this part is a little strange to me.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

You noted it a few times in your notes.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

Like, well, like Mr. Tanaka basically says, like, my son needs a training partner. Like, I won't press charges on you if you show up and get your ass kicked by my weirdly racist son. Like, like his son beats the shit out of young Frank Dukes and then calls him a round die. It's like, my god, like, and like, you know, that's not even like playful racism. That's no, that's hateful. Like, that's fucking that's it is what it looks like. Yeah, it's it's rough. And then, like, fucking uh that kid dies, and then Tanakh Frank is off screen, and then Frank is like, you got to teach me you you no, that's that's Arnold.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

You have to teach me, you have to teach me. You have to you have to teach you have to you have to teach me. You have to teach me how to how to kumite. You have to teach me how to do the kumite, like and then Mr.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

Tac says, You're not Japanese! Fuck off. And they're like, please, you got to teach me, and then what follows is like just a weirdly a weird situation where Mr. Tanaka is just constantly like subjecting uh Jean-Claude Vend to like torture, basically, and like it it it it has some strange like discipline disciplined undertones, I would say. Like like first he beats him with a slender rod and like a a couple of times, and then he's like meditating or some shit. He's just like while he's meditating, like he's forcing him like now don't move a muscle, mister, and then like slaps him with it, and then he makes him serve him tea while blindfolded. And like I know it's to show that he has this expert spatial awareness, but it it looks a little strange. And then he ties him up, spread eagle, and forces him to do the splits between like two like bendable, supple trees, yeah. And then like John Claude Van Damme is like writhing and screaming in pain, and like uh mmm, it's it's oddly direct eye contact with Tanaka's. Yeah, he's and like Tanaka is just like not blinking at all. He doesn't he's just like mmm, yeah. Like it's and and you know, not for nothing, but like Tanaka does have like a pretty thick mustache. I'm sorry, that means nothing. Um no, like I'm just saying, like, it is a little strange. I'm not trying to say like it's it's like I'm not trying to insult anything. I'm just saying like that, like it's it's it's a weirdly, it's a weirdly kinky training regimen. Like like there is there's some cool shit though, like like snatching fish out of ponds, like that fucking rules.

SPEAKER_00 41:42

Yeah, that looks challenging, dude. I'd have a hard time with that, and water on the track, flight and shit.

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Yeah, yeah, and then and then like the the rest of the movie is just well, I mean the rest of the movie is also weirdly whimsical sometimes. Like the kumite itself is fucking awesome, but even the kumite comes with this fucking weird song.

SPEAKER_03 42:03

Kumite, kumite, kumite, kumite, like this this song about like a struggle against the dying of the light.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

You are my friend, and together we fight kumite. Yeah, and it's fucking nuts, man. And then there's like uh but like the the there's this like deadly tournament about 30 minutes in, and the fall is a few. Oh yeah, yeah. Um well like like I'm just saying, like for everything that is not a fight scene is like a a high school movie almost. Like you've got these cops who are trying to who who think uh Frank Dukes has gone A-WOL and they're like chasing him, and it's like this oddly whimsical chase where it's like playing this like fucking jazzy music and He's running across boats and they're falling in the fucking river. Yeah, he's running across boats, he's sprinting over things, he's like waving with his fingers to them. Like it's it's he's very effete about it, and like just toying with them, and he's very playful, and it's like this does not quite fit the the the theme of like a deadly full contact tournament.

SPEAKER_00 43:16

Yeah, and then like the next day there's a guy getting like compound fractures in his leg and yeah, yeah, it's it's it's such a peculiar tonal dissonance.

SPEAKER_01 43:24

And I I really wonder like what happened there.

SPEAKER_00 43:28

Mm-hmm. Like, yeah, I mean I I feel like Frank Duke's happened. Yeah, like like he just came into the Kumite scenes and like, alright, that guy needs to get fucking hurt.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

Like I yeah, like, and if that's true, then fucking well done because the fucking fight scenes are the best part of this movie.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

Yeah, they have some fun fight montages. Everybody's got a very kind of understandable like gimmick or their own costume, their own stoil.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

So, like, that's a that's another great thing we should talk about. Uh this is not a good movie, but it we An enormous uh cultural impact. Like, this was the basis for Mortal Kombat. Like, this is what inspired it. Uh, and there's been like Boondocks episode. There was a boondocks episode about it. Uh, it fucking ruled. Like, like, and you know, like, this movie is you mentioned in your notes that you're getting very Street Fighter vibes, and like which, you know, I guess you could argue, and like I don't want to get too philosophical about it, but like this is wrestling, right? It's wrestling, like these colorful characters with like their own attitudes and their own like skill sets, and they're all competing against each other, and there's like interpersonal relationships, dramas going on behind the scenes, yeah, yeah. Like, like it's it's you could say that like Street Fighter is like a very primitive form of soap opera. I wouldn't I wouldn't back that up too heavy, but like you get what I'm saying. Yeah, and like this was not an especially racially sensitive movie. Like uh there is a Mexican fighter, everyone else gets a gets a full name, and this guy is just known as Paco.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

Yeah, yeah, on the fucking like scoreboard thing, and they put it on the city.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

Yeah, on the scoreboard they just call him Paco, and he he's he kind of acts like an asshole, and he's like really he's like really a dick, and he's like taunting his enemies, his opponents a lot, and like okay, like he I'm just saying, like I don't think like racial harmony was on their mind when they made this.

SPEAKER_00 45:25

No, for sure not. That said, though, like there you go.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

No, I was gonna say, like, you've got like fucking kickboxers, uh fucking uh you've got the sumo in there. Yeah, he gets to do some cool shit.

SPEAKER_05 45:39

Uh fucking small guy.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

Yeah, like they keep like the whole point of the Kumite is like there's no weight classes, you're just fighting whoever you fight. And so they have like uh this giant Japanese sumo dude like fight a bunch of small dudes and just break them, just throw them around. Uh like it's so fucking funny.

SPEAKER_00 45:59

Uh Jackson, as far as I could tell, like his style was just kind of like punching people.

SPEAKER_01 46:04

Yeah, like uh so American style. The secondary character, the supporting character, is Ray Jackson, who is uh an American, and like I I gotta be real. I gotta be real. It's kind of like seeing an American character in anime and finding out like what the Japanese think American characters look like. Something about that is so fucking endearing. He's got a bandana, he's got he's wearing a leather vest and a Harley Davidson shirt and blue jeans and sneakers.

SPEAKER_00 46:42

Every time he shows up outside of the ring, he has a beer.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

Yeah, he has a ring. Every time he's outside of the ring, he always has a beer in hand. It's like it's really and like he likes video games, and he's he's like kind of dim and rude, but he's very loyal. It's like it feels like a parody of Americans, but I really I really like it. Uh but anyways, uh we we need we should say that like yeah, this this movie impacted a lot, and then I wanted to call attention to its cultural impact, and I feel I've done that.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Yeah, I mean we haven't even touched on like UFC really.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

Um yeah, go on. Like, do you think did this really inspire UFC? I have no idea, but a lot of me wants to say yes, because I like that would fit so well.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

When like UFC was first starting off like getting big. Like I remember John McCain was like calling it like human cockfighting or something, and like you know, that's kind of like I guess the flavor of this movie is like the kumite is like almost forbidden because like these people are having super dangerous fights, and now it's just like fuck yeah, they're doing that.

SPEAKER_01 47:49

Yeah, like I remember I remember this movie having kind of a uh a rough reputation. And yet when I watched it, it's well, I mean, there's a scene where Jean-Claude Van Damme, you just see his butt, his yeah, his little bottom, as he has just the most uncomfortable chemistry with a woman. I'm sorry, like I I did not like that. So before before we talk about that though, like yes, like like what I'm trying to say is like I feel like blood sports reputation is undeserved because a lot of this movie is kind of fucking silly. Like, yeah, the kumite is super secret and like but it's nowhere near as cool as when John McCain makes it sound like like everyone's fucking like that's the whole thing is they like the the the the female lead uh Janice is her name. Um and I think it I think it's like 15 minutes after we meet her that we actually find out what her name is.

SPEAKER_00 48:49

Right, because like the uh the Middle Eastern like fighter who's I think pretty clearly played by an Asian guy.

SPEAKER_01 48:55

Yeah, he was he was of indeterminate ethnicity, but he was intended to appear Saudi Arabian.

SPEAKER_00 49:00

Yeah, because he was wearing like I'm not even gonna try to guess what the headgear is. Yeah, yeah, but he was wearing religious headgear. And he was basically just like, hey, like, you know, I'm gonna take you back to my room. Then Jean-Claude Vontan is like, how about we play this? Like, I can't do fuck. I really gotta practice the voice. He's like, How about we like we play this game where you hold a quarter, and if I grab it out of your hand, then she then I get to choose what and that's like an 80s high school movie, like right down to like the yeah, disrespecting female autonomy.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

Yeah, yeah, like like it's it's it's it's it sucks. Like it's just oh my god. Like, like yeah, yeah, and like like I mean they're so uninterested in each other, they don't even like end up together. Like, takes off. She tries her hardest. My god, bless her, but like she's fucking the only one there trying. Everyone else is just kind of just it. It does feel like an excuse to just see a lot of fight scenes, but uh, but yeah, everyone in this movie seems to know what the kumite is. It's like they all know it's like super secret, but like everyone's talking about it all the time. And like Ray Jackson says, You should see me fight at the kumite. And they're like, Oh, get out of here, I'm also in the kumite. Yeah, all these guys are in the front desk for the kumite, like yeah, like front desk for the like be at the front desk for the kumite. We're all we're all carpooling to the kumite.

SPEAKER_00 50:17

Yeah, the American MPs show up and like even as they get there, like, yeah, we know what the kumite is. And the police chief and Hong Kong is like, I also know what the kumite is.

SPEAKER_01 50:24

I also know about the kumite.

SPEAKER_00 50:26

You tell us where it is, and he's like, No.

SPEAKER_01 50:28

No. I do love the inspector character. He's a prick. But MMA does not really like MMA is not as fun as Bloodsport. Like you don't you don't see sumos fighting uh fighting other people like you fighting ninjas in in MMA.

SPEAKER_00 50:50

Yeah, I think that like Blood Sport kind of like it's almost like a middle ground between the UFC and WWE. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it's it's it's like a little classier than WWE, but not by a lot. Yeah, not nearly taking it as seriously as the fucking UFC, you know?

SPEAKER_01 51:06

So like we gotta we I wanna I wanna talk about the antagonist.

SPEAKER_00 51:10

You really appreciated Chong Lee's.

SPEAKER_01 51:12

I fuck I fucking love Chong Lee. Chong Lee is played by Bolo Young, uh, and I believe he's a Taekwondo expert. And like in the 90s, or I mean, whenever this was made, you know, like Taekwondo was like the next big thing. Like, like karate was so passe, taekwondo, that was gonna be fucking crazy. And like at the time we were just very culturally interested in martial arts, like it was it was very interesting to think that like someone small or weak could like put a bigger guy on the ground, you know? Uh but uh uh like I think Chong Li is a taekwondo expert, and he just wrecks these uh he's he's meant to be very menacing because like he's huge and imposing and he's really muscular and he's merciless and he's competitive and he has these like very ferocious eyes and he makes these like really gruesome faces sometimes. And yet, and yet he is such a bitch. He is such a bitch, and I fucking love it. Alright, let's unfold it because for one, we find out so like Chong Lee and uh and uh uh Jean-Claude Vendamme, they have the fucking rivalry right off the bat because Chong Lee holds the record for fastest knockout, and then Frank Dukes beats that record, and we find out this actually really hurts Chong Lee. So already, like, this is a fucking cat. Like he says later, like, you broke my record. Now I break you.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

It's like that's a hardcore thing to say.

SPEAKER_01 53:00

That's fuck that's that is, but that's such a caddy fucking motivation.

SPEAKER_00 53:04

It's like a video game leaderboard.

SPEAKER_01 53:08

But like already that's a fucking caddy motivation, you know. It's like I get that this is all about warriors' pride, but that's specifically like you knocked out a guy faster than me.

SPEAKER_05 53:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:18

So Chong Lee will fight like hell, and whenever uh but then whenever he wins, he kind of hops up and down and does this little dance, and he hops he hops around the ring and he's like waving his hands, like trying to psych everyone up, and he has the biggest fucking smile on his face. He's having a great time, and everyone's going Chong Lee, Chong Lee, Chong Lee, and like you can tell he wants it so fucking bad, and like what a little diva! And then uh whenever he's trying to intimidate someone, he makes his tits bounce.

SPEAKER_00 53:54

Yeah, he does. He has like crazy, like developed pectoral muscles, crazy pectoral control. Like, like in really buff dudes, they can all do that. Like, yeah, and it like he really is showing it off. Like, that's like how people will be doing cool like kicks and stuff to like try to psych out their their opponent before a fucking bout, and then Chong Lee just flexes his massive muscular titties.

SPEAKER_01 54:14

Yeah, like like makes him jump. I really want, and like I'm sorry, I know this is gonna sound really fucking stupid, and I accept that, but like I really want like a modern remake of Blood Sport from Chong Lee's perspective. Interesting, and he's just like it's it's like sex in the city, but fucking like uh martial arts.

SPEAKER_00 54:36

I was gonna ask if you would watch like a prequel film about like young Chong Lee.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Absolutely. I fucking loved Chong Lee. Like, he's fucking arrogant, he's an asshole. Like, I'm sorry, but like he does literally like fracture a guy's skull because he's pissed off at his best friend. That's fucking catty, dude. That's mean girl. That is very catty. That's mean girl shit. That's so funny, though. Like, that's such a funny concept. Like, I won't even say funny. I will say that's a really fun concept. Like a socially undeveloped, like self-absorbed dude, like kind of justifying everything through the lens of martial arts. That's funny. That's that's a character ripe for development.

SPEAKER_00 55:16

No, I'm thinking about like the young Chong Li, like Shin Chong Lee, like Chong Li, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:20

Well, I think that could be very I could I think that could be very tragic, you know. Like, what if what if what happened to make Chong Li so fucking ruthless?

SPEAKER_00 55:27

Like hear me out here, bro. Young Chong Li is like he enters like a fighting school and he's like he starts off like it's tall and like spindly guy, but then he like pushes himself in the gym. He like manages his macros. Yeah, he's tracking all of his carbs. Yeah. But like the uh the head of the gym is always like disrespectful to him. The head of the gym is this like weird preoccupation with like doing things like fast, like winning fast, like uh maxing out like what or you know, just like he's got this like giant fucking like table keeping track of like the best times for stuff, and Chong Lee like is unable to like be best, like even though he like he strives so hard, and he like finally gets almost to the top of the leaderboard, but then the the uh head of the gym is just like you know, you're still not as fast as me. And he bumps Chong Li down to second place and puts his own name in first. And Chong Li is infuriated by this because like you know, Chong Lee has been struggling with homelessness. Chong Lee's only like family is like his crew of friends here. But then the head of the head of the uh school grows jealous himself of Chong Lee because Chong Lee really did have the fastest time. The head of the school just lied, and we know that, the audience does. Chong Lee doesn't the head of the school played by probably Aiden Gillen. Um I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The head of the school um then slowly turns Chong Lee's like friends against him. And ultimately Chong Lee, at the like the climax, has to like fight his way through like all of his old friends, like through the fighting school, and ultimately fights like his old mentor, like slash trainer. And like just after he delivers the fatal blow, the trainer like smiles at him is like, you're still too slow, and then he dies. Oh and Chong Li is left like this empty shell of a man having like dispatched his old mentor and like right, and his only purpose as the movie pans out before it goes to credits, it pans out, it just shows him staring at like his uh his name in second place on the leaderboard.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

Oh, dude, that's pretty good. Can I build on that? Do it. What if uh yeah, like I like everything, I like the idea that like I like the idea that maybe this guy is like a kook at the martial arts school. Like he's he's renowned to be like the toughest teacher, but he does produce the best results, but kind of like a whiplash scenario. Yeah, but yeah, like a whiplash situation. So uh fucking uh Chong Lee just like no other he doesn't work with any other teacher, like and this somehow he works with just J.K. Simmons, yeah. Yeah, and so he becomes very reliant on on fictional martial arts JK Simmons, and who is still like treating him exactly like you say, like fucking lying about him and fucking doing that shit. But like as uh but and like I think it works better if if Chong Lee in his desperation I don't think his friends turned against him, I think he thinks they're turning against him. Oh, he gets paranoid, he gets really paranoid, and then once he takes out the the leader, like once he takes out uh Aiden Gillen, uh one of his friends is like actually stands up to him and he immediately gets fucking killed. And so the rest of his friends are like like terrified of him now, and like so he has victory, he is the best, and he's like, but now like he has nothing else. And so like and so like uh he is just staring at himself on the second, but like you know, this is why he needs the approval of the crowd. Like he has nothing else, he has nothing else. Yeah. That's great. The tragedy of Chong Lee is really the tragedy of Chong Lee. Oh, I'd fucking love that.

SPEAKER_00 58:58

I think you've got a more interesting character now, at least, than Frank Dukes, who's just kind of good at everything.

SPEAKER_01 59:02

Yeah, well, yeah, Frank Dukes is the protagonist. He's effortless, he's charming. Like, and I'll say he's the fucking charming portrayal is fucking unearned. The dude has no chemistry with the female lead.

SPEAKER_00 59:15

Yeah, he has way more chemistry with Jackson. They're like playing video games together and they actually say they love each other.

SPEAKER_01 59:21

They actually say they love each other at the end.

SPEAKER_00 59:23

Like he gives Jackson his bandana back after uh John Lee claimed it. Yeah, yeah. They do like a bro clasp of hands, yeah, and then kiss. Yes, tenderly kiss on the mouth.

SPEAKER_01 59:35

Tenderly, well, no, on the on the cheek, but like but yeah, no fucking Jean-Claude Vend does like lean in and get a little smooch.

SPEAKER_00 59:42

A little smoochy. But uh but uh he has more chemistry with Jackson. Like, I feel like those guys probably did a lot of cocaine together. Probably. I think they probably I think they probably like ran over a kid together. They bonded through the the mutual like a fucking hit and run.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:01

Like Jackson hit somebody and John Claude. Like, I I think I think filming on location, they probably broke a local law, and like their producer like is like fucking deep into the mob and and like fucking he covered it up, but like, but like they they he forced them to watch the the body get dismembered. Oh my god, and the two of them are like bondage. This is what fucking happens when you cross me, and then they're like, Oh! So they both have PTSD.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:35

I'm sorry, that's not funny, but it is kind of right because I can totally imagine JCBD's like shocked kind of eyes.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:43

Like he still can't act, so it's like, oh no. Blood getting scattered on his face. He's like, yeah, like I'm sorry, you just you're really making me want to see like JCBD and like the conjuring or hereditary and just like underreacting to everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:02

Oh no, a ghost.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:04

Oh no, a ghost. Oh no, a ghost. And I do not like the ghost. Is that a witch?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:14

Yeah, Chong Lee, or not Chongli, but Chong Lee Witch Hunter would be good too. But JCB Lee Witch Hunter would be sick.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:20

I literally like thinking of anyone doing martial arts on a fucking ghost is so fucking funny.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:29

I mean, does it work or is it just like with it?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:32

I'm imagining that it does work, and like, and like there's like in the conjuring, like this haunted witch ghost hovers in and she's like, ooh, and John Clavetam is like, What? Heel kicks her across the jaw, and she's like, Oh god!

SPEAKER_00 1:01:49

Yeah, he's got crucifixes on his boots, so it works on tooth.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:53

Oh my god, and they jingle like spurs. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:00

Dude, crucifix spurs is a vibe.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:02

Alright, and like he's they're like cow, he's got like this like black leather cowboy vibe. So it's like it's like just on uh the other side of plausible deniability. Like it's definitely it could be gay if you look at it in the right light, but uh on the outside it's just that he's just the age everything is like that. He's got like a cowboy hat and like a he's got like a tank top under like a fringed vest. And like he just he exercises ghosts by kicking them.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:32

Yeah. He's got like he's only wearing whitey tidies and like assless chaps.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:37

I think all uh chaps are assless by nature. But I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. Well, it's got yeah, like, but not like tidy whiteys, like it is like a legitimate costume piece of like pure white to contrast all the black. And it's just like it's incredibly uncomfortable when when he comes in. And yet, he gets results. He gets fucking results.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:00

Do you think that he had enough like challenge during this movie? Do you think that he faced enough like trials for this to truly be considered like a feat? Or do you think the only real challenge is getting salt in his eyes?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:11

Uh yeah, so at the end when he fights Chong Lee, Chong Lee cheats like the little Dickens, and he throws salt in in in in Jean-Claude Vendom's eyes, and Jean-Claude Von Damme is like, oh no, I can't see. Oh wait, yes, I can, because the Japanese guy who raised me once blindfolded me and forced me to serve tea to his to his wife. Somehow it was translated while he watched from a chair nearby.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:41

Are you sure this is okay? Yeah, no, that's just fine.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:45

I mean, judging like judging from like what Tanaka put him through, I'm surprised Tanaka didn't just regularly throw salt in his eyes.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:52

Yeah, like he did everything else. It's like, here's what to do if you get salt thrown in your eyes.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:58

Well, but I mean the whole point is that like I I'm just saying it takes him a while to remember that he can fight blind. Like during his training montage, he fights blindfolded several times. And like, but he gets his ass kicked in uh for a while, and I get it.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:15

Build up a little tension for a moment.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:16

Yeah, build up a little tension, but but like but like it takes him a good like four minutes to remember that he can fight blind.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:22

A lot of it's just him kind of looking around like oh oh. And then it cuts to his perspective, and things are like kind of blurry. Like you could still see Chong Lee, he's a big guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:32

Yeah, like like it yeah, just like come on. And but then he just like actually sits down and meditates and like catches Chong Lee's fist. Yeah. It's fucking goofy. That said though, fucking Jean-Claude Van Damme fucking like it's not just the splits. That dude is fucking leaping like a gazelle. He is kicking guys like a foot taller than him.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:56

Yeah, crazy vertical, crazy like horizontal, like leap speed.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:00

Oh, he's fuck he's a fucking ninja. That dude is like like like that like let's let's give a shout out. That was legitimately not really uh the style at the time. He was kind of he was kind of genre breaking in that like much more athletic than the usual sluggish. Yeah, we like we liked our slabs, you know. We liked uh Stallone and we liked uh Schwarzenegger, we liked style kind of the big beefy dudes. We like big. Not a lot of kicks. Not a lot of kicks, but no, and then we saw this, like, ow shit!

SPEAKER_00 1:05:30

Like Belgium, they invented this thing called a kick.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:32

Belgium, this is Belgium style kicking.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:35

Yeah. And you're right, no, like that that probably made it like stick out a lot when it got released.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:41

Um like, I mean, I guess by in fairness, by ninety standards, this was probably kind of gruesome, but like I feel like you probably see I've I feel like yeah, yeah, like I feel like you see more violence than this in much tamer films.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:00

Yeah, definitely. Like these days, you know. Yeah, there's a couple guys that get their teeth knocked out. There's a compound fracture, which is always gross.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:06

But other than that, hey, real quick, there is there like my take my ultimate takeaway from this movie is that it is a bad movie, it is culturally relevant. I still love the characters. Okay. And I want to shout out to the janitor character. Yeah. Like, I would love to see a show just about the janitor of the Kumite. Like, it's just it's just this scrappy looking dude who's like constantly like sweeping up and fucking like wiping up blood, and at one point uh a gold tooth gets knocked out.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:36

Yeah, when Hossein gets his tooth knocked out, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:39

He and he fucking pi uh uh pilfers it, it's fucking it's so great.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:43

Yeah, I was yeah, because you can they give it like a whole 30-second like little focus of like the guy kind of eyeing the tooth and then snagging it and then oh nobody noticed, sick.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:52

Yeah, ooh. Like it, but I mean that's another thing. Is it that's whimsical, right? Like, and I guess that's not such a bad thing because you know, Mortal Kombat in its own way is kind of whimsical.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

It is, dude. I mean, it's tremendously whimsical.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:06

Yeah, like like like I would argue, like, because you know, like speaking of moral panics, back in the day, everyone was convinced that Mortal Kombat was gonna turn you crazy.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:15

But like What if like Tipper Gore was just bad at Mortal Kombat and she just took it way too?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:19

She's just such an asshole, she's such a sword. She got fucking owned at Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah, and she took it with her for till like forever. And she makes like Al Gore is delivering a speech on it, and he's a and he specifically calls out the guy that mocked her, the kid that mocked her. It's like, and and Dylan, if you're out there, you fucking apologize. I know you put ass as your initials on the on the scoreboard, and I'm gonna tell. And that is why we must ban Mortal Kombat.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:51

Yeah, Jack Thompson is like the only guy in the room clapping.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:54

Good old, yeah. He's like, Yes. It's not funny, it's a vulgar word.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:59

Yeah. I also lost badly at Mortal Kombat.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:02

I also a lot. And I know you're also sometimes putting your name as Dick, and you think that just because you're putting D-I-K, you think nobody notices. Well, I We all notice. We all notice.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:13

This is a family establishment.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:15

This is Charles Entertainment Cheese. Alright, well fuck. I mean, normally when Will hits a quick piss, uh I s I take the opportunity to summarize something without without him without his input. But I feel like we're we're kind of we're kind of coming down to the end of what we want to talk about here, so I don't know. I I think what I was gonna say is that uh Mortal Kombat has such cartoonish violence that it like it doesn't count, you know, because like like I and you know, I I can kind of see where people were talking about because in the first Mortal Kombat, the fatalities were very simple. It was just like pull this guy's heart out, pull this guy's spine out, whatever. But like as they got bigger and bigger, now the like fatalities became like, oh, we throw buzzsaws at this guy and and separate him, and then we put him on a kebab, and we we slow roast him over a hibachi, and then we eat him, and uh that's a fatality, or like, oh, we've I think I think uh and Will's coming back, I can see him coming back from his haunted room. So like I miss. I'm gonna I'm gonna let me let me pose you something. Uh I feel like to be really relevant, modern Mortal Kombat should like the fatality should be replaced with like financial stress or something. Okay, like ality, student debt, yeah. Like cost of living. Like Scorpion takes out a fraudulent home loan in your name.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:58

Yeah. They're just doing social security fraud.

unknown 1:10:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:03

Or like or like Scorpion gives you Ivor Mectin.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:09

Reptile just swats you, like the player.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:13

Reptile swats you. He like he like fucking slithers away and and calls the cops, and then like your character gets shot in a tragic, like it's all shown from like local news. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:27

Yeah, yeah. Um I was gonna ask, uh, what do you think, like really if you had to break it down to like maybe two or three factors, what do you think is responsible for this movie's ongoing impact? Because, you know, it really is like more so than a lot of other JCVD films. Like you say blood sport and people are like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:45

I well, for one, let's be real, like the the reputation is slightly undeserved, shall we say?

SPEAKER_00 1:10:55

Like allegedly Mr. Frank Dukes.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:57

Yeah, like well that and also like this really isn't that violent. Like, especially not by today's standards. Like fucking fucking uh, you know, we've watched fucking Captain America put a fucking shield in people's teeth. Like like we've seen some some heavy shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:17

We've seen some fucking gnarly ass shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:22

Well, I don't I don't know, cause cause I I'm I think I might disagree with myself. I know I know that's I know that's weak, but just I actually saw all the hits, right? You saw the characters getting hit and like you saw the damage it did. Like those were like those were visceral blows, whereas I think like Marvel is more like play fighting, where like the shaky cam and it's and like the CGI just don't it just doesn't look that impactful, you know? Like missing, right? Yeah, but like in the set at the same time in Marvel movies you've got like bad guys getting their hands chopped off and shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:59

So like That's true.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:01

I I guess I'd call it a wash, but like I do think this reputation is kind of undeserved because this movie is not that not that like I do think this movie has more in common with like a a uh fucking high school film than like Never Back Down.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:16

You ever watch that one? No, what's that? I mean it's like a high school fighting movie. We're gonna watch it at some point. We're gonna watch it at some point. You're gonna think it's hilarious. We will one day like one of Amber Heard's first like uh starring roles. She's like that. Oh well, cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:31

Um I don't know. I like I like I liked her in Aquaman, that's all I'll say.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:38

Reasonable.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:39

Uh but uh but yeah, this movie has more in common with like a high school movie than like you know anything at all. This is this is not a risky movie, like I guess I guess it's risky in the fact that like yeah, you you didn't often see this, but like it still has all the 80s mode, like it has a fucking it has a fucking original song, dude. It's kumite, kumite, kumite. And it it owns. I say I think what really appealed to people about this movie is that it is the proto-fighting game. Like like people I'd say it's more accurate to say people like fighting games because they like what this movie could do. Yeah, it's a good idea. Which you might say is actually because we've talked about this. What it what what is a common masculine fantasy to be part of a crew. Okay. A tournament kind of counts. A tournament kind of counts. Like that's right. Like, cause cause like you're not quite enemies and you're not quite allies, you're opponents, and like but you're still spending a lot of time together, you know, and that's like that's kind of the appeal of wrestling, right? Like, like like it's the same allure. You have colorful characters and how they feel about each other, and occasionally they fight.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:56

By rules. Like that, like just from any point of view, that's just an objectively good strategy. Like, that's a great pitch.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:05

That's a good strategy. Yeah, and everyone has like pretty pretty clearly defined like vibes. It's very easy to pick up on. Okay, Chong Lee's the fucking baddie. Jackson's the real ass homie.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:15

Like, I think it was cancelled uh before you were of age, but when I was young, there was this show called WMAC Masters.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:24

I never heard of it, weirdly enough. I've heard it was it was on uh it was on well for one, this was the age of cable TV, so like there's tons of network shows that are lost. Uh but what am I trying to say? Uh so WMAC Masters was like wrestling for kids. It had all these characters no, not like that. But like I'm saying braining each other with chairs. No, no, they all had like really cool uh fucking uh martial arts styles and like costumes. Like one guy was a ninja and he was called Red Dragon. Uh one guy was like a taekwondo expert, and he was like, I I think light star or something, and then like just all this crazy shit, and there was like all these like uh relationships between them. And like these this it was the same concept as like action heroes that can't act. Like these weren't actors, yeah. Yeah, these yeah, this was blood sport, but you know that like nobody got hurt. There was like a Akeem the machine. He was a kickboxer, and he would like come out dressed as a cyborg, he would come out dressed as a cyborg and like shed his armor, and like uh he fucking ruled. Uh super option value. Yeah, and there were and there were like storylines and shit, and like that was awesome. And like it was just the it's and like you know, you want to dumb it down even further. It's just playing with action figures. We love seeing colorful people fight, like in conflict, feeling shit about each other. Like that's what this movie is. Like, you got some friendships, you got some rivalries. It's like and you know, that's kind of the fundamental allure of the high school movie, right? Like, that's it's a bunch of interesting, a bunch of characters, very different characters, at very volatile times in their life being mashed together.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:08

Yeah, so there's kind of a Venn diagram between like Blood Sport and Breakfast Club. I oddly enough, I think.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:15

Ironically, like unir unironically, yes. Like, yeah, like there's I mean they have their clearly defined roles, don't they? The bad boys, the jocks, the fucking underdogs. Like, yeah, like but I mean like I guess you could say broadly that like this is what the setting and the genre are only there to provide conflict, you know? And like the like the important thing is how these characters feel about each other, and like the whole setting exists only to motivate them feeling different things about each other. In my opinion. Okay. And like I think that's the allure of wrestling, and I think that's what this movie had going for it. My opinion. My opinion. What do you think? What do you think? I think that yeah, one, I mean the title is definitely Blood Sport is very cool. Blood sport that ironically, I think that's the biggest no-go that wouldn't fly today.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:10

Is like, ew, you can't do that. You can't call it blood sport. Change it to plasma activity.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:19

Plasma athletics.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:21

Plasma athletics. Yeah. No, that sounds fucking cool. I'm sorry. Plasma athletics sounds fucking rad, dude.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:29

Bloodsport is an incredible title. Like, I mean, you show like an American, you're just like, hey, there's a movie called Bloodsport. It's like, yeah, I want to watch it.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:40

Yeah, no, like, okay. I don't need to hear about it. Yeah, that's badass, for sure, for sure. And like, it does have like a mysterious sounding title, too.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:49

Yeah, and I think some of the I guess the some of the athleticism on display, like kind of springboarding off what you said earlier about like, yeah, you get to see the whole like him leaping across the fucking you know, the the ring and just kicking a motherfucker in the chest. Like, there's no CGI, there's no tricky camera angles, he's just kicking that dude in the fucking chest.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:07

Yeah, like like believe, like, believe it or not, like we fucking used to we we used to do that, you know, like we used to fucking uh go to a movie to see someone do an athletic feat. I think we go to the Olympics for that now, which okay, sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:22

But what if they just had like the splits at the Olympics, like competitive splits?

SPEAKER_01 1:18:27

If they did this, if they did blood sport at the Olympics, I would watch so hard. If I could see like fucking Eileen Goo go up against fucking Tanya Harding to fucking Marvel. No, no, it's Tanya Harding who who swung the bat, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:45

I know, nobody expects Tanya Harding. Well, she it was her like boyfriend, I think.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:48

Ah, okay. Well, like they can be like they can be like a tag team, like Marvel vs. Capcom. Or like the ice climbers. But yeah, I want to see Eileen Goo fight fight Tanya Harding.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:04

There's like just one crowbar that gets tossed in the ring at the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:07

Yeah, you gotta fight for it.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:09

Yeah. Um, I think that another thing that really like helped out with this movie was that there maybe no, I might be wrong here, but I feel like there hadn't been a lot of like tournament movies, at least at least in the West. And I think the tournament movie has you know a lot of crossover appeal with other genres we like. Oh sure. There's a reason that there's tournament arcs and like animes and TV shows. Yeah, like tournaments.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:31

Like, let's be real, tournaments are fucking cool. Like, like we like seeing that shit. Like, it is it is awesome. It's it's uh, you know, it's like fucking uh to talk about Smash Brothers again, you know, it's like final destination, like no ring fuckery, just like show and you know, like we had the Coliseum Coliseum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:51

Yeah, we did have the Coliseum, it was popular for a reason.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:54

Yeah, it fucking owns. We like seeing that shit. That rumors. Right now, as we speak, the enhanced games are going on. So like we've just given we've just given up. We've just given up. We're like, no, this is cooler. I mean I want to see fucking drugged up Goliath.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:10

Yeah. Just fucking mashing shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:12

Roided out Goliath, fucking like doing feats. Actually, you know what my favorite fucking comp I loved American Gladiators.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:21

That's a fun one. I was thinking of American Ninja Warrior. Which one's American Gladiators?

SPEAKER_01 1:20:26

American Gladiators was like a a thing in the 90s where it'd be like uh athletic athletes doing these weird obstacle. Picture Ninja Warrior, except one of except in the somewhere in the obstacle course, there's a giant dude in spandex trying to fucking throw you off. Sounds awesome. Yeah, no, like it ruled. Then like one of them it was just like all these athletes competing against like other athletes called the gladiators, and like it was just like stupid obstacle course shit, and it looked so fucking fun. They did an episode of Family Matters on it. Late stage family matters. Yes. Makes it sound like a terminal illness. Yes, it kind of was. Late late family matters was nowhere near as good as early family matters. He's got terminal family matters. He's got terminal, he's got late stage family matters. I'm sorry. He's got he's got the Urkels. There's nothing we can do.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:22

But if you were in like a like a Shang Sung position where you had to like it was on you to organize some sort of like fighting tournament, like what would the tournament be themed after? Like what would the style be? Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:34

I don't know, man. Like I Because like I I'm naturally contrarian about this shit, so like I I don't want to do what other people are doing. So I don't want like a spooky fucking like vaguely, vaguely racist, Asian themed trauma. Probably not that one, yeah. No, no, like um I feel like I would try to do it like theatrically.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:04

Okay, I'm with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:05

Like, I I would want like biomes.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:09

Right. I was thinking International Space Station for like one of the rounds.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:12

That'd be cool. That'd be cool. But I'm also thinking like just this one stage that like changes. And we've got like these menacing fucking uh for one, I like is it can I can I name the terms? Can I can I say it's a soul caliber style where it's just where it's a bunch of weapons?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:29

Yeah, yeah, everybody's got their own like everyone's blade or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like some guys got a rapier, and some guys got nunchucks, like huge titties with whip swords. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ivy. I put some respect on her name.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:42

She fucking Isabella Valentine, full name, daughter of Cervantes. That's true.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:46

Cervantes fucking ate my shit and fucking Soul Calibur 4. Uh but uh that's what I want, and I want like one central stage where like but we change, but it's like it's like one of these fiendish saw style stages. So there's like traps and shit going on. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So like, you know, it's got like hazards and stuff, but it's all done like very theatrically.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:11

Are they deadly hazards or like inconveniently? Like you'll get tripped or you get your leg hacked off.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:15

Both, both. Like there's a there's a there's a good ball. There's a variety, there's a variety, and like they change a lot. Because like I'm sorry, I like that about Smash Bros. I like the fucking goofy stages. You like the moving stages or just the ones with like hazards? I like both of them. I like both of them. I like the unpredictability. Like, I know everyone's like, no, for like to really measure. I'm not trying to measure skill, I'm trying to look fun. Like, to be honest, like if I could make a fighting game, I would want that. Like a fucking game where like you actually win based on how fucking cool you looked.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:49

Like, oh, kind of like a devil may cry thing. Yeah, like smoking sexy style, you win.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:55

Yeah, like not necessarily the longest combo or whatever, but like fucking I don't know. Like, I don't know how you actually aura. Yeah, like like most aura, most flair. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:05

You can build up the combo meter or the aura meter, I guess, by like pulling off like extended, like long taunts.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:11

Yeah, yeah, like like a game where like you can only KO knock your opponent down for a little bit, and like the longer you taunt. Yeah. Like the whole point is to incapacitate your enemy so that you can taunt. Yeah. And whoever taunts the most is is the winner.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:28

Doing the flashiest moves, not necessarily the most damage, but whoever's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:32

Like a fucking like fucking something that rewards you for being anime.

unknown 1:24:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:38

What is what is your tournament gonna look like?

SPEAKER_00 1:24:41

Well, let's see.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:42

Because you said the space station will be one, so that implies that you have like a number of in of like international stages.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:50

So you're you're kind of you're kind of aiming Street Fighter style. Yeah, but hear me out here. You know, there's like abandoned fucking uh oil rig, and we brought in like a shit ton of orcas under it, you know, and like stage hazard.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:03

Yeah, and like you're fighting in the in the middle of a storm.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:08

Mm-hmm. Yeah, high winds, all that stuff, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:25:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:11

And then you go to the rust belt, you're fighting in like an abandoned like factory. Right, all sorts of all sorts of tetanus, you know? All sorts of tetanus. And then every like couple rounds you have like an audience round where the audience can actually it's you kind of bring in some Kickstarter type stuff here where the audience can actually like try to reach various stretch goals. Like, hey, if you if we get like $10,000 or whatever, like we'll throw in a chainsaw.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:33

Can I can I be real? The idea of a Kickstarter, a crowd, a crowd-funded tournament to the death sounds like an amazing premise for like a dystopian horror. Like it kind of does, right? Like the idea of being a guy who who just like the the audience paid to put you in as a stretch goal, like oh fuck, like, oh fuck me, they reached it. Oh no, yeah, or like or like you you did that for a loan, and now like you didn't think they were gonna reach it, but they did, and now you have to fight. Like, oh no.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:04

You're watching the stretch goals, like social media influencers are trying to get people to reach specific ones.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:09

Yeah, yeah, and like you have to, you have to like you have to stay alive while also keeping the audience on your side and also keeping like navigating the various influencers trying to bargain against you.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:21

Yeah, and the audience maybe they get to choose like the stage. There's like a choice between two stages for the next five audience votes on like whether you do like oil rig with orcas or you're in the international space station.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:32

That fucking rules. That fucking rules.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:35

There's like one set of ankle weights that you can put on, like if you're able to get to them first.

SPEAKER_01 1:26:39

Yeah, and also as like a a a big stretch goal. The ankle weights. You and your opponent have to fight with both of your dicks in a Chinese finger trap. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:55

Like that same finger trap or different finger trap?

SPEAKER_01 1:26:57

Same finger trap, same finger trap. You're both both one peen is in one end and another peen is on the other end. That's tough, dude. That's a tough battle. Uh like you gotta you gotta escape, you gotta fight.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:12

Do you win by knockout or by hitting your dick?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:14

That's just so fucking stupid. I love the idea of a tournament where they make you do stupid shit.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:22

Like, yeah, stretch goal.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:24

Yes, like I'm sorry you have to wear this hat. I think I'm just describing Taskmaster, which I do fucking love.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:32

But but I would do that, and um I would definitely like try to find like some like really like despised like public figure to be the announcer.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:45

Uh Tiger Woods?

SPEAKER_00 1:27:48

Nah, dude, Tiger's a real one. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:51

I guess he's not widely despised.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:53

Yeah. I'm sorry, maybe. I shouldn't say Tiger's a real one. Maybe I don't know enough, but uh you know maybe he got he got busted for D.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:00

Why, but yeah, that's not good. Alright, um all right, not Tiger Woods, uh Jay Leno. Jay Leno Jay Leno announcing a fucking death tournament. I would I I would watch. I would watch the fuck out of it. I think that would be so funny. I'd say Conan O'Brien, but he's the opposite of despised. Yeah, people like Conan O'Brien.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:21

But Jay Leno, like, and once Jay Leno doesn't know this, but about halfway through the tournament, we drop him into the ring. I think he's the end boss.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:28

Like, I think yeah, I think he's like harboring bitterness ever since all that shit went down. He's like, grant me uh an honorable end. He's like, but my kid's gonna be able to do it. That's what his tournament is about. It's trying it's trying to find someone who is strong enough to enter his life.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:44

Let me taste defeat.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:46

Let me taste defeat.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:51

That honestly, I mean, that's a pretty good like idea for a dystopian like film or maybe series, like you said. Um where our protagonist, Jason Statham.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:01

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna put it out there. I would watch any any show or movie where the antagonist was Jay Leno. I'll see I'll see I'll watch Saw if Jay Leno is Jigsaw. I will watch. You want to play a game?

SPEAKER_04 1:29:25

I will watch Hey, you guys want to play a game? Have you heard about this?

SPEAKER_01 1:29:29

I will watch Avatar if Jay Leno is the racist human general. Yes. I will watch Hereditary if Jay Leno is payment. I prefer men. I'm a lot like Monica. I'm a lot like Monica Lewinsky that way.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:49

Oh, old school jokes.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:51

Kevin Eubank, like brut.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:54

If we had like a death tournament with only late night TV hosts, past and present, who do you think would win?

SPEAKER_01 1:30:00

Conan. No, no, he doesn't want to.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:02

Conan's too honorable.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:03

He's pure, he's too pure of heart. He won't do whatever. I think it's gonna be Jimmy Fallon, dude. That guy.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:08

Fallon would totally throw fucking salt in somebody's eyes.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:11

Fallon will do anything to survive. Like, he just he he he really has that vibe that he'd like chew your limb off. Damn. To like to like like he would he would deliberately keep you alive to try to eat you.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:26

Oh, you think like Jimmy Fallon feasts on on humans.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:29

Like I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not saying he just does that. I'm just saying like I'm like I'm saying I think he would do what it takes to survive. Like I'm I'm like in I'm saying I would not like to contemplate what I think he would do if you were in a deathbed scenario with him. Yeah, yeah. Like I I imagine he's got some tricks up his sleeve. What do you think his style is? Stoil? I think I think he Capoeira? No, no, he's he's just a matching before. Like hissing at you. I think he's got like this very like cornered animal style where he like he's like like bouncing off walls and shit. He's got like sharp fingernails. Yeah, yeah, like he like climbs on your back and like bites and like claws and like matches on. Yeah, yeah. I think if this were a fighting game, my main would be Eric Andre. Like he probably has some crazy combos. Like I know, I know, I know he's I know he's on the edge of late night hosts, but he counts for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:33

He would for sure be the Mr. Game and Watch, kind of of that of that.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:36

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or he'd be the Rob or the Dan Habiki. He's actually in the new Street Fighter movie, so Eric. I got him. Yeah, yeah, he's the announcer. No shit. That's why. He's the MC. Um speaking of, do you do we do we I feel like I've said all I can say about this movie?

SPEAKER_00 1:31:54

Yeah, I mean, I like kickboxer. I liked kickboxer. I like this movie too, but I think if I recall correctly, I like kickboxer more. So we'll talk about that.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:02

That was so fucking slimy. That was like blood sport looking in your eyes and saying, I love you, Will, and you said, I love I love you too, kickboxer. You said you were over that.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:16

It's just if I did the rope fists thing with the glass, would it matter? No, you're not this person.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:23

I tried to do that for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:25

Yeah. Hot shots in Hotshots Part 2, starring Charlie Sheen, they do a send-up of that scene where where they've got like a guy dipping his hands in like molten metal and like glass jars and shit, and then they cut to Charlie Sheen and he's dipping his hands in like fucking uh hot sauce and gummy bears and sprinkles and like punched with hot sauce fists would really sting.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:50

I mean like hot, hot like chocolate sauce, like like chocolate topping. Like it's a nice like Tabasco. He's got like Tabasco dripping down off his knuckles and he puts some AI. Yeah, dude, that would suck. Fuck. Alright, what do you want to watch next week? Um well we just did like a more classic one, so I'm thinking maybe something a little more modern. We've done Statham relatively recently.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:09

Um we have.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:10

How about Point Break, the original?

SPEAKER_01 1:33:13

With Anthonyanu. With Keanu. What the fuck? What the fuck? Is Point Break the surfing movie?

SPEAKER_00 1:33:23

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With uh Patrick Schweazy and Keanu Reeves and is it an action movie?

SPEAKER_01 1:33:28

Yeah. Oh, okay. I've never seen it.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:30

No, you haven't seen Point Break? Oh, dude, point break is all right.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:33

Point break, point break is our next is our new movie. The original point break is our next move starring Anthony Hopkins. Point break starring Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. I want to see Anthony Hopkins in a surfing movie.

SPEAKER_04 1:33:49

Hang 10, Clarice. Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:53

Alright, we're gonna watch uh fucking uh point break next time uh next week.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:58

Did they get pitted as they surfed? Did they get pitted? Grab some blue Clarice Have this Capri son, Clarice.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:11

Alright, fucking uh would you like to do some housekeeping?

SPEAKER_00 1:34:14

Yes, sir. Uh Slop Culture is a podcast hosted by Sam Sykes, that's him, and Will Palmer, that's me. Please give us a five-star review out of five on whatever platform you heard us on. Our cover arts by Andrew Sides, and our intro music's by Joe Roy. Uh you can get touch with the podcast at Slopculturepodcast at gmail.com. And you can find me on social media at uh Palmskis or Will underscore Palmskis pretty much everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:36

And you can find me at Sam Psych Swears pretty much everywhere. This has been Slop Culture, the Happy Hour Podcast, where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity. That was Blood Sport. Join us next week for point break starring Anthony Hopkins, and until then, stay sloppy Clarice.