Slop Culture

Deathstalker (1983) - Horrifically Entombed Among Layers of Blubber

• Sam Sykes and Will Palmer • Season 1 • Episode 33

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This week, the boys investigate a piece of Argentinian Cinematic History in the form of the extremely violent, extremely low-budget, extremely body-hairless legendary film, Deathstalker. Join us for a discussion of pop culture history, Will's beef with whales and whether or not Pedro Pascal is to blame for Vesuvius erupting.

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SPEAKER_00

Welcome, Craig. So happy to see you You came from beyond to record our thoughts And when we are done then Craig we will see you We don't know where you go when you're not around Do you live in the void? Do you get quite annoyed when you hear all our thoughts running through your head Sorry sorry sorry That was beautiful I was just wondering like I wonder if I can switch Craig's intro voice so the audience can't hear it when he goes like now recording but it would be great if he was just like a hora grabando right I would love that I would I would I love to think of a little more soothing less mechanical I love to think of Craig as a as a hard working to our nation no of course wonderful uh I I like that no I I I kind of viewed that as like I feel like singing is a little like verbal hacky sack it's just like let's just see how far we can take this you know kind of freestyling it a little freestyle a little freestyle I I I admit that I wish I could have been a freestyler you would have done numbers on the freestyle circuit I would have done if if my rap I would I would I would need a good rap name but like but like I I think I would want like one of these late 1980s rap names where like I I called myself doctor something where like I award I awarded myself a doctorate okay that's pretty solid I was thinking like a mashup of like a precious metal and a historical figure so like uh uh zinc zinc caligula zinc caligula that's pretty solid that's actually not bad yeah that actually flows with a with that actually has a lot of heft behind it you can even like uh stylistically like mash it up into one word like the C at the end of zinc is the C at the beginning of Caligula uh zinc Caligula sitting in the forum you know I got bitches and I have to whore 'em oh okay that's solid that's where my what what do they what do they s what did they have in uh in Rome?

SPEAKER_01

The Siraglio though that's where the hot ones go.

SPEAKER_00

You know what we gotta fucking we gotta fucking start yes is it better to staff a Renaissance fair with porno actors or to film a porno film with Renaissance fair actors and which of those is most likely to prop up the struggling film industry of a Latin American nation yes welcome to Slot Culture the Happy Hour podcast where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity I am your host Sam Sykes and with me as always a man who sparked outrage and acclaim after he proposed we bring back wailing on behalf of and I quote getting revenge for Pinocchio that wonderful little wooden man and avenging ourselves against the cetacean menace.

SPEAKER_01

It's Will Palmer everybody I see it as a generational debt.

SPEAKER_00

That puppet's done a lot for a lot of people he had a really good Disney movie a phenomenal Disney picture. Fucking creepy too you remember the bit where they fucking turned into into donkeys and they're fucking begging for their mamas and weeping?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah no in the uh the original Pinocchio book he in the first chapter he actually k uh kills Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Good yeah that was not the yeah it just mashes him the conscience is not present in the book.

SPEAKER_00

That's that's very that's very Buddhist of him he was he was he was liberate he was liberated from the uh expectations of the Buddha and thus he could truly attain he could see if it was hit really him that was good or if it was just the cricket.

SPEAKER_01

Sure but you know I watched Pinocchio at a very foundational age and I've I've held that kind of silent rage towards cetacean creatures ever since.

SPEAKER_00

To be fair that I well I don't know I I feel like and don't read too deeply into this but I feel like Monstro might be kind of like an offensive caricature of whales like good whales you've just been slopped hell yeah no and I mean also like um whale oil great for like lighting lamps and stuff in Victorian England. It's true in Victorian England nothing was fucking sweeter.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah can you imagine like if we were on like a whaling ship like back in like the day like not like a modern one with like trackers and stuff. I'm talking like a Captain Ahab style whaling ship.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah so do you do what do you what do you what role do you imagine us fulfilling?

SPEAKER_01

I mean at some point one of us is gonna like fall into a whale corpse and be like horrifically entombed among layers of blubber. That's just in the cards. I don't know who which one it'd probably be me because I'm smaller, right?

SPEAKER_00

I fall into the wounds in its side but I I don't know like like you know it it depends it depends on a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah I mean you're pretty strong you could like throw a harpoon pretty well probably I I I could definitely maybe like uh we could also both like be good at like rowing the little boats they send out yeah yeah chasing the whale like son of a bitch. Yeah you poon the whale and then I grab hold of the fucking uh the rope and it's like that fight in Resident Evil 4 with the monster thinking that and then like I've I bust out a machine gun that I inexplicably have and I'm like ah yeah just lightning up lighting up the water.

SPEAKER_00

I Michael Bay presents movie dick. Oh my god that no that sounds actually awesome hang on I would watch this shit let me let me pitch this to you who's ahab uh who's ahab I really want to say the rock but I feel like I've dipped in that well a couple uh two Mark Wahlberg Mark Wahlberg and he's got that Boston accent like Ishmael yeah come on yeah he like cracks open a fucking bottle of bud on the side of the sh a pequad and then chugs it and then goes in the water he's got foot and he's like fucking shirtless he's got this big fucking like captain's coat but he's like totally ripped underneath and he's inexplicably wearing a top hat yeah yeah at all times at all times even during the sex scene even during the sex scenes uh the love interest is not Megan Fox uh uh Anya Taylor Joy Okay okay that works yeah who's ish male Tom Holland Tom Holland is ish male but he prefers to go by ish yeah yeah that's good and and uh Kuiqueg um Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch and he uses magic to launch he is like throwing coffins at it he's got like a fucking machine gun that fires harpoons like I am really invested in this make-believe movie now uh and the whale is voiced by Nicholas Cage sure that works quite well yeah like back back together at last bay and cage beige like celebrity couple name oh my god I you know what if if you had led with this I I think the UN would have voted to bring back whaling it's a powerful selling point you know I'd buy a ticket to that Michael Bay sells the UN on whaling how tight whaling is he just shows them his movie and at the end they're like whales are bastards we gotta do something yeah for like some of the shots he's like he was inspired by uh like Oppenheimer and so he like physically blows up whales with like 13 tons of dynamite fucking Gillian Murphy is like done he's like hitting the plunger the waves just turn foamy and red the fucking world is at last united in a hatred of whales like see these patriotic scenes of like battleships firing cannons and just like blasting poor whales out of the sea oh god yeah oh my god I think that like something I don't necessarily like about myself is that I I think at some point a tragedy can become so absurd it becomes funny.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah certainly it's like horseshoe theory of tragedy look at the JFK assassination funny is I'm just saying it's just yeah no it's it's also you know that kind of a human response to deal with like horrific things.

SPEAKER_00

Not whaling whaling is tight but whaling as we all know fucking rules there's a bit where fucking Mark Wahlberg has to like uh fucking like waterboard like or or like surfboard behind the whale yeah he's like shh like fucking it takes him out in some insane way like he has to pilot him into a into a storm into a reef yeah it's like a fucking Godzilla style battle where it goes through several biomes. Yeah he's got a cutlass that's made out of whale baleen that he's claimed in previous battles yeah and it's a chainsaw oh chainsaw cutlass fucking Warhammer 40k style yeah that really whales yeah that's a good idea the UN would be on board with that yeah Michael Bay if you're out there we have your we have your next project sir yeah PETA would actually I think also be on board because they'd be like oh you kill the animal at the end hell yeah yeah yeah yeah sorry unless like PETA like maybe the joy of killing is what they're in for so like maybe it's not necessarily maybe it's not necessarily the the the the dead animal that they're after but just like you know to to be a part of of the of the light leaving something's eyes. Yeah that's why they call themselves the Ferryman of the damned I gotta say rebranding to Pita was probably a better better better long term get more donations that way. Get more donations than the ferryman of the damned ferryman of the damned had like a very diehard fan base but like it was small though.

SPEAKER_01

Very small and kinda weird Oh bro Pita's gonna fucking come for us but like I mean like what are they gonna do? I I don't have like a bunch of like pet bunnies for them to murder accidentally you have a chinchilla yeah but I worry more about them than Brutus.

SPEAKER_00

That's true I've I've I've met Brutus.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah you've heard tales I mean Brutus doesn't get to have playdates not anymore. No sir not since the consideration I mean I'm not lying when I say this I won't go into the details but those two guinea pigs their relationship has literally never been the same.

SPEAKER_00

He the the the trajectory of their lives has been forever altered and we'll just leave it at that it was though I know I know and not even in a physical way we we're not gonna get into it. We're not gonna get into it because we got other shit to talk about today. We're gonna talk about Death Stalker but I I you know normally this is uh this is where we have a little banter uh but I got I gotta I feel like I need to warn you I feel like I need to come clean it to you okay uh and I and I need to see if you agree with me on this. Alright uh I had Taco Bell for lunch. Congrats that was a that was about uh I want to say two hours ago. Sure why'd you uh what'd you have uh I just got three tacos crunchy regul regular tacos uh did you get the Dorito ones? No no I find those kind of hard to digest I f I I think like I it's the same thing like why we went to the moon like okay I'm glad we did it but like I got I got I got other stuff that I need to be concerned about you know yeah I mean Taco Bell it's gonna like turn your fucking intestines into the Som no matter what see this is this is this is my theory and I'm wondering if you'll if you'll agree with this. There's like a period like like first of all my thesis is this getting Taco Bell is either a really good idea or a really bad idea. And it's never it's never clear which one it is until about like anywhere from like three to six hours later, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So like I'm in that period right now where I'm not sure if I did something really good or something really bad, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Your body is currently figuring out like how to fight this off.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah yeah it's buffering a little like you know the the the beach ball is is swirling.

SPEAKER_01

It's swirling what if you just heard like like very small screams coming from your intestines and like stomach as you ate.

SPEAKER_00

It's like the sound of like like how you hear your stomach rumbling but it's just no like fucking like fucking uh Dante style like that scene in fucking uh I think Nightmare on Elm Street where four where they going through like Freddy's soul and seeing all the other souls he's eaten. Well kind of yeah or I was just thinking about your your stomach just being like oh god another chilupa I did not have a chilupa I did have just the tacos I had the Diablo sauce I did I do like that Jesus why would you have you must hate yourself you load it on a bean burrito for dessert it's not that hot come on no it's not hot but it's a bean burrito it's gonna fuck you up oh the Diablo sauce is delicious dude sometimes I'll just suck down a packet of that just so I feel something waking up in the middle of the night fucking sleeplessly pulling your legs off the side of the bed she stirs beside you did you have that dream again and you just say shut up and I reach into the bedroom drawer lying on top of my handgun it's just like dozens of Diablo like you reach for one and it's just by luck that you pull out the Diablo and you just go she's like talk to me open please let me in having so much of that sauce the vinegar is destroying your esophagus that's why I talk like this now you wouldn't understand yeah my larynx is just destroyed by Taco Bell hot sauce I sue the company they're like dude what it gets dismissed like Philadelphia with fucking Denzel Washington is representing you as you're fucking ravaged by Diablo sauce he's he's addicted to I'm in the hospital with a Diablo sauce drip my body will literally shut down if I don't have a certain amount like you asked to testify like you have this sickly wheelchair with like a with like the Diablo sauce drip it's just a huge Diablo sauce packet on an IV stand yeah but so you had this Taco Bell earlier. Yeah uh and I so far I feel okay like I don't think I've ever truly been like I think like maybe twice in my life I've been like yes Taco Bell was exactly what I wanted. Oh like and all there were other times it's been like uh you know sure so like yeah I I don't know I don't know um I think I'm alright uh but then again this is slop culture the happy hour podcast where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity yeah which means I do have a bit of scotch and and I don't know that doesn't seem sensible to me.

SPEAKER_01

I mean they have a Taco Bell cantina like or at least had one when I close down like close to where I live too they sort of mad booze there.

SPEAKER_00

What do you what do you suppose is the ideal companion drink for a Taco Bell? Mojito probably like a Baja mojito like I feel like it's gotta it's gotta be something with like fucking like high fructose corn. Yeah of course you like I was just thinking you just pour in like a couple cups of that at the end that's that's just it it's just a cup of high fructose corn syrup do they sell that at like the grocery store just like two pound bags of high fructose corn syrup I think like I don't I don't know about two bags that come in bagged milk but it's just corn syrup they come in bags in Canada So I just got back. I don't know like I I stepped out to get a drink but also Will just stepped out presumably to take advantage of the absence so I don't know if this is actually going to make it into the last into the end product but boy this is this is this is just a lot of fun talking about this stupid shit every week. Like my gosh I'm having such a nice time and I really like everybody who's listened uh I assume like if you're a serial killer and you're listening then I you know I thank you but uh knock it off just knock it off like nobody nobody's in impressed by that what are you trying to do I wonder what we'll oh there he goes. Sorry I was ripping a piss ripping a piss with my best friend. No you got a uh very good smoking stance isn't this nice like yeah really that's that's classy the leaning back the hand a little bit yeah something something about uh being in front of a microphone like this makes me feel very very like I'm doing something that has value to society instead of what I'm actually doing.

SPEAKER_01

Sure kind of like an Edward R.

SPEAKER_00

Moreau vibe. This is this is completely off the topic but I I just kind of want to mention it because I just saw it as I stepped away because we just stepped we just came back from a break Will and I and I was getting another drink and I happened to look out the window and I saw my neighbor uh and she is a a a nice woman and she was wearing very tall platform heels and I wonder first I marveled at the ease in which she walked in because they seemed very daunting but I also wondered if like if she encounters someone else who's wearing platform heels that are like slightly shorter does she have a social advantage? I think it was like where they end up with it as opposed to like the heels themselves right so you're saying that like maybe they might fight and if she loses she might they might have trade they have to trade heels oh my gosh I'm sorry I I spoke very flippantly of this but it seems quite dire.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah no it's kind of like an Afro samurai deal where like there's one woman who has like the biggest heels in the world.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my gosh how how big do you think they must be uh like 15 meters fifteen meters it's like 60 feet or some shit like I I would imagine at that point you would probably like be playing the be playing the Jurassic Park theme in your head because I I kind of I kind of think of that like when I see people with wearing heels like doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo like I really like the bit where like the fucking like Brontosaurus is like moving various yeah everybody loves that bit it's majestic I fucking love that you know that's that's actually something that that they don't really do in Jurassic Park anymore is they don't like have moments like oh this is fucking cool like they're just like straight to the straight to death yeah there's no like natural majesty being celebrated yeah yeah like like the Velociraptor that can use guns. Yeah why why would you fucking do that it also drives a motorcycle no it's gonna get out I was saying we just signed it up for motocross what could go wrong we just signed it up for motocross it has a sponsorship from Red Bull and then it cuts to the Velociraptor doing like a fucking triple backflip off a giant ramp out of the park and then like this over the fence does this sick ramp off the and just fucking chasing down tourists on its motorcycle.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

If uh the Great Escape had a Velociraptor in it instead of Steve McQueen that should would have ended differently it's the fucking scene from like Terminator where like they're chasing it in a truck and Velociraptor has a shotgun.

SPEAKER_01

It's just blasting it and dude doing the one-handed reload thing. That's so cool.

SPEAKER_00

Oh yeah God one well I mean Terminator 2 is kind of too good for the likes of this ep of this podcast because it is it is too good but I still want to talk about it so much it it is it is classic. I think everyone's well a lot of people have done it but I'll just say that this uh this podcast is more about celebrating the the the the less lesser known films things that maybe aren't celebrated as much things that maybe aren't celebrated because we sometimes refer to this as pop culture archaeology and I think we have found the equivalent of that guy from Pompeii who got entombed in lava jerking it like if you don't know what we're talking about you can look it up it's not like pornographic it's like an ashen fucking skeleton but he's jerking it he's jerking it and like he's made that choice like because he had to have known like Vesuvius was going crazy right like he made like he made the conscious decision to do what he could do with the time he had left. Do you think he got his nut I like to think I think he did just as the the lava got him like I think I think the nut erupt because he was lying down. So I think the nut erupted up and then when it landed it like kind of crystallized

SPEAKER_01

Or whatever on the four on the top of the lava.

SPEAKER_00

And so like I think that I think that jizz, that crystallized jizz, is floating around out there somewhere in like a underground art market. Like owned by sultans. Yeah, there's like a Saudi Arabian sultan who owns like these precious pearls, so they give him power.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Magic Pompeian nut.

SPEAKER_00

Magic Pompeian nut. And Pedro Pascal is Vesuvius. Pedro Pascal is the guy who busts a nut. And like it's told in two different like it's like two POVs. Yeah, yeah. It cuts back to Vesuvius and then cuts. It's just the mountain. Then it cuts back to the guy jerking off. And he's it's just Pedro Pascal having like a terrible fucking day. Like he fucking his cart gets wrecked, his his horse dies, like just shit's going on crazy. He just has a quick wank and then he looks out. He's like and he's just like, you know what? No, no way. This is for me. Taking a stand. I'm taking a stand. Fuck you, Zeus.

SPEAKER_01

Real history for all you fans of.

SPEAKER_00

Real history minute, America. Vesuvius was all about politics. Politics. Politics.

SPEAKER_01

Vesuvius is actually an early example of the no fap movement.

SPEAKER_00

He's their patron safe to the a real martyr to the cause.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That's what happens when you fap. You fuck it. Or yeah, what if what if it's the other way around and he gooned so much that Zeus is like, fuck this! I smite thee. He's like, boom! And the whole fucking city. I can't risk this getting out.

SPEAKER_01

Someone should have done something.

SPEAKER_00

Something should have done something. I like this persona of Zeus as maybe like a heavy set New York landlord.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, he's just exasperated.

SPEAKER_00

Hey, you what are you doing down there? You better not be masturbating. Fuck you, Zeus. I'll I'll jerk you over. Oh yeah, you're really asking you're really asking for it, Vesuvius.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You're really, I'm gonna pom pay you. I'm gonna pom paya a visit.

SPEAKER_01

Now, what we just described is much better than the movie we're about to talk about. But it was an incredible analogy that you made.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. But but yeah, like I did mean it. This movie is some a movie that you might not call good or even comfortable to watch. Yeah. Uh, but you would call it within the broader context of uh the cinemascape, to use an extremely douchey word. It's kind of important. I I hesitate to use the word load-bearing garbage, but you kind of get what I mean if I say that, right? Like it itself is not that great a movie. And there's there's interest there's a lot of stuff to talk about with that, but a lot of what we talk about today is going to be more about why, even though it's not that great, it kind of occupies it kind of has it's kind of like a cinematic Neanderthal, you know? Like it's a uh it's a it's it's it's an evolutionary bridge between one set of fantasy one genre of fantasy and the next, you know?

SPEAKER_01

It's like a homo erectus.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Oh hey Smithsonian! Hey Smithsonian, you got any homo erectus? Hey, hey, hey Mike's a funny. Hey Willie, I just told I just said homo erectus.

SPEAKER_01

Hey, what you got a gay bona?

SPEAKER_00

You got a gay bona.

SPEAKER_01

No, it's it's this case it's like pro-magnon man.

SPEAKER_00

That's that's the line from Mark Wahlberg's Moby Tick. Hey, you got a gay bona? Oh my god. All right. Um But as is tradition, uh, we tend not to do lengthy recaps, but we love to do artistic recaps in what we like to call the two-minute drill. And I think since I recommended this one, uh, and I'll admit I recommended it without quite knowing what it was, but I still recommended it. And that leaves you in the onerous position of having to do a two-minute recap in as artistic as possible. And I'm about to do I'm about to set a timer for two minutes. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Alright, you just you know what? Just just do your best. Go as go as comfortable as you as you want to go. And yeah. He's rolling his neck out right now, and I gotta say, that is that is warranted. Yeah. That is absolutely warranted.

SPEAKER_01

Argentina, 1983. The film industry is dying. Some heroes get together and decide that there's just one chance to save it. To make the most relentlessly horny, LARPing adjacent Conan knockoff imaginable. And they did that. I don't know if it's like a good thing, but let's get into it. There's a guy named Death Stalker. Um I think his real name's like Thad or something, but they they don't really cover it. Um, Thad, Death Stalker, um, rescues a buxom wench from some like pigmen, I think. Um there's that'll happen a lot in this movie. There are buxom women that will show up, usually their breasts will be exposed. Um not really a tasteful way either. Um, and the Death Stalker will uh, you know, approach them, and a lot of the time they're being menaced by ruffians. Um a lot of the time they're just, you know, breastily walking about. Anyway. Uh Deathstalker shows up, saves the lady, uh, talks to a witch. She says he needs to get some artifacts, because there's this dude named fucking like Markar or Morlock or something. Who looks like a imagine like an Eldritch Cholo. Um he's like uh an evil wizard guy, there's a tournament to inherit his throne. She's like, You gotta get these magic artifacts to take his throne. Deathstalker's like, I don't really care, but like, alright. Death Stalker goes, makes a little fucking crew with um like a wizard and uh like a thief dude. And then another chick who's uh another th chick who's like very breasty. And um then uh he sucks on her titties, um, which is cool. Um but then they they get to Markar's uh castle. There's a couple of breasty women like having a mud wrestle in a pit, and there's a pig man who like reaps a guy's arm off, beats him to death, like a lot of debauchery, basically. Markar tries to um uh murder uh Death Stalker through like uh by like gender swapping his head assassin. Um Deathstalker sees through this and uh evades the uh the assassin, but uh the assassin does kill uh the breasty thief chick, which is unfortunate. Um Deathstalker then uh fights the fucking bad guy. There's a kind of let-down climactic showdown, all the hoes and the Siroglio get freed. Um the Death Stalker destroys the magic artifacts because he doesn't really care that much about the power. And then all the townspeople like tie the bad guy to uh like a bunch of horses and then split them apart, which uh pretty fucking gnarly.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, no, that's you I I you got that. You got that. I actually let that go ten seconds longer because I forgot to show you the 30-second. Oh yeah, but thank you. I appreciate it. I think you I think you made the best of your time there. This was a weird movie, man. This was like like uh like we're gonna we're gonna get this out of the way. Like, Will is being very gentle when he says there are women being menaced by ruffians. There is there is a lot of gross fucking violence in this movie. It is extraordinarily edgelordy. It is it is very fucking in your face, uh, and it is it it is it is it is pretty nasty.

SPEAKER_01

Uh yeah, it goes like it's so edgelord that like it's it's uncomfortable, frankly. It's very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00

Frankly, a lot about this movie is uncomfortable. And uh, but you did touch on this in your opening, which I actually gotta I actually got gotta say I really appreciated. Uh this is one of those movies where the story of how the movie is made is kind of more interesting than the movie itself, right? Right. Uh this is the 1980s. Fucking Argentinian cinema is hanging on by a thread. Uh they they and you know this was still a good era where everyone had their own cinema, cinematic industries, and the world was just cranking out movies left and right. Uh Argentina's uh cinematic industry was facing some real big problems. Like they were they were basically having trouble keeping the lights on. Uh so they were desperate and they were reaching out to anyone that could help, which led them to reach out to, I would say, like some some maybe less than less than savory. I I don't want to say less than savory, but certainly less than esteemed filmmakers from from uh Hollywood. Uh some guys with more experience in what was the craze at the time, which was fantasy. Uh this was the era of Conan the Barbarian, starring Arnold, which was an excellent fucking movie. This was the era of the original Clash of the Titan, with the fucking stop motion clockwork owl still fucking unbeatable in fucking cute little fantasy sidekicks. That thing owned. I loved Boobo. Boobo, sorry.

SPEAKER_01

I haven't seen Clash of the Titans. We should put that on the list.

SPEAKER_00

We should. It's it's kind of a classic. We should watch uh the old one, not the new one, starring Liam Neeson, because he's he's just gonna let us down. Any movie in which Liam Neeson is not trying to find something that has been taken from him is just inevitably disappointing. Yeah. Um actually I take that back because there is one where he is a snowplowman and it's actually pretty good.

SPEAKER_01

Cold Pursuit.

SPEAKER_00

Cold Pursuit. I liked that film a lot. I actually really liked it. He had no right to be as good as it was, but I actually would really love to talk about that. Um put it on the list, yeah. We'll put it on the list.

SPEAKER_01

But uh This movie is not like that.

SPEAKER_00

This movie is not like that.

SPEAKER_01

This movie uh It ended up being successful enough to like get a sequel, so like it didn't kill the Argentinian film movie.

SPEAKER_00

I believe it got a couple of sequels, actually. Uh I think there were up to four sequels. It's kind of like the Scorpion King of its day, except Scorpion King had, you know, much less much less grotesque violence. Uh but but same principle, you know, like uh Death Stalker is a very uh Conan, hairless fantasy. Like very little body hair for how much skin is on display here.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, if like if Conan is like sword and sandal, this is like flip-flop and switchblade.

SPEAKER_00

This is the toughest guy in Miami. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I mean, I've seen Scarface. There's some there's some bad ombre down there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I'm I'm picturing like kind of the kind of a an an elderly Cuban guy with like flops in a G string and like a fucking and a fucking like Hawaiian shirt, and he's like flipping out a switchblade and like ha ha ha coming at you.

SPEAKER_01

Death Stalker is not as fun as that guy. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But Death Stalker is that guy's favorite film. Yeah. That's as good as as we could explain it, but like it's very much in the in kind of a uh kind of a historically significant era for fantasy as a genre.

SPEAKER_01

Sure.

SPEAKER_00

And that this was kind of the era when like we weren't actually it was just it was just like, all right, and this guy fights uh in just a loincloth, and this girl fights with her titties out, and people were just like, yeah, that sounds right. But yeah, yeah, no, that wasn't it.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, he just she shows up, and we both noted this in our notes when uh the female like thief character shows up and ambushes them. It's revealed almost immediately that um she covers her face, but um her luxurious titties are out for us.

SPEAKER_00

It's such an interesting little setup.

SPEAKER_01

It's like it's like she does there's a female cloak on that covers the titties for a little bit.

SPEAKER_00

She wears a cloak and a hood and a mask and a G string, and that's it. Her titties are out, yeah, and like her fucking uh her and her but her face is covered, so it's like who was that?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Like, imagine the police lineup.

SPEAKER_00

The police line up with their faces covered and their boobs up. Ma'am, ma'am, who was the thief that got you? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

I'd recognize those Ariole anywhere.

SPEAKER_00

Those are you fool.

SPEAKER_01

Like Yeah, then she almost immediately joins them, and then there's a scene that I found tremendously amusing where Death Stalker, like they're camping, and the Death Stalker just kind of goes over and starts sucking on her titties. She's tremendously enjoying it, and then like the older like mentor character is just like chilling by a tree watching. Like, and just kind of like nodding and smiling.

SPEAKER_00

The old wizard, this happens like a couple of times. A Death Stalker uh starts spontaneously making out and being intimate with women he's just met, and an old guy shows up to watch. That happens at least twice in this movie.

SPEAKER_01

And it's never addressed because like after like the torrid lovemaking, like there's no dialogue or anything, there's no snuggling, certainly. It just like no dialogue, it's just smash cut to like the next day, and oh they got they made it to the city.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, we'll we'll get we'll get to this later, but it is it is a movie with tons of sex and absolutely zero chemistry. Like it's not interesting sex to watch. Like, there's no emotion, there's no intimacy to it, it's just fucking it's it's even when it's not violent, it's pretty fucking nasty. Like uh, but yeah, like cult like I feel like this movie occupies what I said, like load-bearing trash, you know? Like this movie is not that uh good, very poorly made. It has a few genuinely funny one-liners, but like the plot is more like a fever dream. It kind of moves from scene to scene with no real extra.

SPEAKER_01

Scenarios that are only tenuously connected at best.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. And uh there's just the choreography is mostly just like the most exciting choreography is a guy getting kicked several times.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like he does that move a lot where you play.

SPEAKER_01

They freestyled a lot of the choreography. I think they did.

SPEAKER_00

I think I think we're learning that a lot of these movies kind of had uh had freestyled choreography.

SPEAKER_01

And I uh I enjoyed that part of the uh like it that was like the only part of this movie that actually seemed kind of wholesome, is how big it was.

SPEAKER_00

It did feel very much like fighting in the park with your friends with like foam weapons, like yeah. They were having a great old time up until it got awful. Yeah, yeah, just me and the boys, me and the boys going out into the Argentinian forest.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Oh fuck, but we found a blonde guy to star. I know that's crazy hard in Argentina, right?

SPEAKER_00

But they're actually well, I actually I wonder why. Yeah, why are these blondes in Argentina? No. Um I actually did, I actually like only realized this was shot mostly in Argentina, like after I watched it. And so for a while, like, because there's there's numerous scenes of the bad guy's Siraglio with all his various uh hero girls.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I was like, wow, some of them are like blonde and some of them are Japanese. That's interesting. And then I'm like, oh, okay. Like I put it, I put it together a couple of seconds. I'm like, oh, this is the 80s, like about like maybe like you know, 40 years. Okay, alright. Now it's starting to come together. Like okay, I got you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Uh but yeah, like this, like this movie kind of occupies a greater cultural niche than it does a quality niche, is what I'm trying to say. Is like this movie is a cult classic, a cult classic enough that they remade it.

SPEAKER_01

Uh last year, I think.

SPEAKER_00

Or it came to last year, last year, with uh Patton Oswald. As Death Stalker? No, no, I don't know who he plays, but uh it would be fun.

SPEAKER_01

I would watch it if he played Death Stalker. That would be fun. It was just like a one-to-one remake.

SPEAKER_00

That would be a one-to-one remake, that would be fun, but I I feel like Patton Oswald has a certain type. And I feel like that type is not Death Stalker, yeah. But uh like it does occupy kind of this cult consciousness because it is really fucking bad, but it is also kind of an icon of what a lot of fantasy was doing at the time, in the same way that Samurai Cop is uh kind of revered for its badness, and that was kind of like a culmination of 90s action stereotypes. This is like a culmination of 80s fantasy, it occupies the same niche as Kroll, but unlike Kroll, it does not have a lot of heart or passion or memorable moments.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, this is like Kroll's like orvilly horny younger brother.

SPEAKER_00

This is this is like Kroll's gross cousin. What they bring that they bring in in the middle of the sitcom to boost ratings by providing like an edgier presence, like hey, what's up? I'm your gross cousin Death Stalker. Yeah, check out pictures of titties I found out. I ride a motorcycle and I read pornography.

SPEAKER_01

He reads pornography.

SPEAKER_00

I read, I read pornography, I trace the future in them.

SPEAKER_01

So the Argentinians, I mean, God bless them, like you know, they they kept that uh that film industry going just through their relentless horniness and LARP-adjacent combat.

SPEAKER_00

The movie was successful. It uh it it it it was profitable.

SPEAKER_01

Like it was like a word of mouth thing, or the budget was well, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

Like, also you gotta remember that like just it wasn't like today. Like today, everyone was thinking like everyone is thinking about causality, and we have endless uh ideas about stories and how to present them and so forth. Whereas like back then, like I said, it's like oh he's wearing a he's wearing a thong because this is fantasy. It's like okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, a simpler time where nobody questioned that, where just like you know, and actually kind of a a a a dearly departed part of uh fantasy. Because you don't really have that anymore. You don't really have like just pointlessly sexy costumes anymore, or like ridiculous fucking prophecies anymore, or just like fucking this odd whimsical era where like we absolutely believed that the less clothes you wore, the more powerful you were.

SPEAKER_01

Like the only time that shows up anymore is if they're gonna make fun of it, right? Whereas I think that this movie really should be celebrated, and I mean this very honestly, okay, should be celebrated for that costume with the cloak and that chick's tits being out.

SPEAKER_00

Here's to you, Argentina.

SPEAKER_01

Here's to you.

SPEAKER_00

You gave us numerous multiple dictatorships and don't cry for me, Argentina. Uh Evita, we f that was a great movie. That was a great movie. I know I don't think you made it, but uh, you were inspired by it. Come on.

SPEAKER_01

I wonder what Juan Perone would think of of this film.

SPEAKER_00

I I would love I would love to be with various uh South American historical figures and find out what they thought about today's cinema. I'd love to know what Simone Bolivar thought about this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Uh so I would like to celebrate that because I mean I look the movie's relentlessly horny, I'm allowed to be sometimes too.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, well, like, you know, we we and in fact, uh numerous uh reviews of this at the time actually praised its sex, or at least said the sex has equal time with the gory disembowelments.

SPEAKER_01

Which is true.

SPEAKER_00

Which is true, and actually, yeah, that is kind of enlightened. Uh, because, you know, uh allegedly Jack Nicholson said, if you show a tit, it's a rated R movie, and if you show that same tit getting hacked off with an axe, it's PG 13.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I thought you were gonna say Jack Nicholson almost said yes to starring in this picture.

SPEAKER_00

I would have loved Jack Nicholson as death star. You're looking like I'm Death Starker. This sword gives me eternal life.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and then he just says the n-word.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, that's what I think of what I think of fucking, you know, like uh what's it called? The the departed. The departed. I should have funny.

SPEAKER_00

She felt funny. Yeah, he was you you can say that Jack Nicholson did not play racially sensitive characters in The Shining or The Departed. Yeah. That that seems that seems pretty in irrefutable.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I feel like that trend might have continued in Deathstalker.

SPEAKER_00

So we we have we have talked about uh sort of this movie's complicated legacy, shall we put it kindly? Let's talk a little bit about the fucking lunatic sociopath that is its hero.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, how does he get introduced just charging into a bunch of like pig people with a sword or something?

SPEAKER_00

So like it starts with uh pig people uh coming into a ruins and they interrupt a dude who is menacing a ruffy is a ruffian who is menacing a captive wench. And then uh they chase him off.

SPEAKER_01

But then one of them starts menacing the wench.

SPEAKER_00

But then one of them starts menacing the wench, and then Death Stalker shows up, and the pig people say, like, okay, hold up, like we have nothing. We have no problem with you. But then Death Stalker fucks them up, anyways. And then Death Stalker menaces the winch. And then an old man shows up to watch, and a king says, Hey, Lord Munkar has stolen my daughter and my kingdom. Please go get it back. And Death Stalker says, No. But then he sees a witch, and the witch says, Go do it. And he says, Okay.

SPEAKER_01

I can't remember. Were the witches' breasts out when she said this?

SPEAKER_00

No, no. She is actually I actually really liked her. She was a she was a crone. A good old crone. How wise crone. Can I can I can I can I be real with you? Shut up, Clones. You're you're a DD fan.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I gotta tell you, I really like hags.

SPEAKER_01

Uh like the monster.

SPEAKER_00

Like, both as a monster and as a concept. I love the idea of hags. Like I love the idea of old women who are just completely fucking bored living out in the woods and they just fucking give you quests to mess with you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, society really had like a pretty negative view of like widows.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's that's and that's a shame because I bet you fucking like and you like like fucking I would love to know a hag right now. Like I would fucking love to like and you know it sucks because I'm in Arizona, we don't really have forests, but I would love to go out into the woods and find like some mushroom house and like this house. She's like, have a sip, dearie, and it fucking turns me into a fox, and like I go on an adventure for a bit. Like, I'll fucking that sounds fun. And like there's no menace behind it. She just did that because she could. Like, ha ha ha ha ha! You're a fox now! You stupid bitch! Go do fox shit, you little turd. Yeah, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Fucking like relentlessly shit talking haggle. That's what I thought, bitch. That's a good character. Get out of here! Get out of here! Don't let me catch a ass pack around here. We had we had different views on this. Yeah. You like Death Stalker. I found him a bit uh sociopathic. I found him kind of a kind of a freak. Like he ends up menacing quite a few wenches.

SPEAKER_01

I did not like that aspect of Death Stalker. I did like the aspect of him just not caring about any quests that people would find uh. He's a fucking psychopath. Like he's worse than nature, and I don't mean that like uh necessarily a complimentary way, it's more he basic he basically either kills or sees get killed everyone he ever knew.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, he's like a mudsly and he's completely unbothered by it. He's just like, oh and he like witnesses acts of obscene violence going on around him, and he seems perfectly unbothered. Like, yeah, there's a bit where he's like actually eating ribs while he's watching while he's watching like a a fucking pig person menace a princess. Like it was just fucking awful.

SPEAKER_01

It's like they like somebody got like really drunk and then listened to somebody else read half a Conan story aloud, and they were like, Okay, I got it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. It does feel like the broad strokes of Conan is like, alright, titties, swords, violence, got it.

SPEAKER_01

He's unbothered by everything.

SPEAKER_00

He's not b yeah, because like you know, Conan was passionate, he felt things about things, and this guy is just like murder. Like yeah, and like he fucking he witnesses the only woman who actually liked him die in his arms, and he gets over it pretty fucking quick.

SPEAKER_01

Almost immediately.

SPEAKER_00

And like he gets over it quick because the next thing he does is snap his best friend's neck after after his best friend tells him like the the tournament is rigged against him.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. The best friend has been like uh hired by like Munkar or whatever to to kill Deathstalker, but he can't bring himself to just ambush and do it dishonorably.

SPEAKER_00

Who likes this guy enough to do that?

SPEAKER_01

Like they've known each other for maybe two days at this point.

SPEAKER_00

They've known each other, yeah, yeah. Uh it the character's name is Ogaris, and he's uh he's one of Munkar's soldiers, and he's a dude in in I'm I'm sorry, I the this is the only way we can describe it. He's a dude in a sassy little crop top.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like a little bedazzled with armor crop top.

SPEAKER_00

It's got frills, it's got it. I'm just saying, if if if he shook him, you you'd you'd bust out those singles. Like, like it it's it's it's a show it. I want to call it like a gentleman's crop top.

SPEAKER_01

A gentleman's crop top, yeah. A tactical crop top.

SPEAKER_00

A tactical, a crop top of perfection, a masculine crop top of perfection. But he somehow likes Death Stalker enough to try to warn him.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, just like bro, get out of here.

SPEAKER_00

He's like, bro, get out of here. He's gonna try to kill, like, fuck you, I'll kill you, and then like murders him.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, well, they're they even like while they're fighting, uh, Death Stalker puts down his sword, which I guess the sword makes you invincible, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, the sword makes you immortal, and he puts down his sword, and Ogaris is just like, I can't kill you without your sword. Please pick it up. And then the guy kills him in front of the woman he loves.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, Ogaris has a chance to even like uh pick up the sword, and you see him consider it and then not do it. And then that dude snaps his neck in front of fucking O'Garis's girlfriend.

SPEAKER_00

In front of the, and she's like, ah, and fucking cut to the next day.

SPEAKER_01

Do we see her the rest of the movie?

SPEAKER_00

No, she's fucking, but she gives an she gives an emotional performance as she watches O'Garis get fucking neck snapped and then like it's a struggle too.

SPEAKER_01

He's fighting for his life.

SPEAKER_00

So like Death Stalker's overall quest throughout this movie is to acquire three objects of power. And like I've I like I'll be real, I don't mind that. I fucking I love a MacGuffin. I love a T. I love uh fucking haunted bobble. A haunted bauble. I don't give a shit. Like objects of fucking power, that rules. I fucking love that shit. Uh so I'm fine with that. But once he eventually gets them, and for one, also like I feel like the actual fucking well no, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna split hairs. I'm like, the objects of power seem kind of crazy, like sword, chalice, and amulet. Like yeah, but again, like this is a movie that's doesn't quite understand what the appeal of tropes is. It's a little like the backrooms, it doesn't understand what the tr what is the appeal of tropes. It only understands that it is appealing. So there's no knowledge behind it. Uh but once Deathstalker acquires all three items, and he has the power to save the princess, to restore the throne, to uh, you know, do the right thing and become as co as King Conan did and lead the world in wisdom, he says, no, that's that sounds fucking stupid. He fucking destroys all the items, leaves the kingdom to rot, and fucking lets the bad guy get drawn and quartered by an angry mob, and then he goes and looks for something else to find and kill, I think. It's fucking cra he's a sociopath.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean he doesn't really expect any emotion ever. Oh, okay. No, I mean I I disliked him just because he was just clearly like the blunt instrument of the plot and whatever horny fuck Mike wrote in this movie.

SPEAKER_00

I I I want to call this like the Venom principle. Like when I was when I was a kid, I did not I liked Spider-Man, and then I found Venom, and I liked Venom a lot more because Venom was I think there is kind of an appeal of a blunt force character who like kind of is unburdened by social niceties. Right. But but then you see him in action, you're like, oh, that's why you have social niceties, because this guy is a fucking maniac. Yeah. Like he's fucking murdering people left right and like sucking titties at the campfire. Yeah, but like there's no emotion behind it. It's just like he d he doesn't even get to know her first. He doesn't even try, he just gets over there like titties.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Uh and I mean she's into it because she's a fucking I mean she's a fucking topless thief in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_01

This is just it's probably cold, you know? But she's yeah, she's very into it.

SPEAKER_00

It is Argentina, though. It is our yeah, she is like she fucking she's into Death Stalker, and like you know, fucking people were into Charles Manson, too. Like well put.

SPEAKER_01

Well put.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, like but here's what I sincerely want to say.

SPEAKER_01

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_00

His indifference and lack of chemistry actually hurt the movie for me.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, he would have rather had more passion for anything.

SPEAKER_00

Well, yeah, like I will I I will forgive almost anything in a character so long as I can understand their emotional logic, you know? Like uh I used to I used to put it this way a villain or a hero, like this goes for just any character, their goals should be either logically understandable or emotionally understandable. Like even if something if something is not logic, you should be able to understand the feelings behind it.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's unnecessary, and I think you only need to understand the emotional logic. Like, I think Excuse me, that's uh that's the Taco Bell. Um I think uh the emotions are what's the important part, and I I can't understand Death Stalker's motives at all. Like he's given a quest by a king to go save uh a daughter, uh the princess. Yeah, and and he and he just turns it down. But then this a witch shows up and says, Hey, go get the three artifacts, and then you'll have the power. Okay, I'll do that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, maybe it was all like a long con, too, because he's just like, okay, so clearly like this witch really wants me to like have the power or something too. What if I just you had to like kill a bunch of people and suck some titties and then I just say nah and then I destroy the power anyway. Yeah, that would be funny.

SPEAKER_00

There is there is something I mean, but that's still sociopathic.

SPEAKER_01

Like he doesn't feel anything like Yeah, I mean that movie like Night Stalker with uh Jake Gil Jake Gyllenhaal or Nightcrawler. I mean Nightcrawler. Nightcrawler, yeah. Like that was it wasn't as good a portrayal of a sociopath as this one, but you know, but same principle. No, yeah, that's like a credible movie. But there is I love that movie.

SPEAKER_00

I love that.

SPEAKER_01

There's something fascinating about watching like a lunatic, like you know, yeah, but like the difference there is intent, right?

SPEAKER_00

Like Nightcrawler, it's like that was that was deliberately a psychopath. Like and that was all about a psychopath. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_01

He was not supposed to be someone like you.

SPEAKER_00

And like we are obviously supposed to cheer Death Stalker, and like I I I kinda can't. Like, yeah. It feels a little it feels a little like these fucking Ryan Murphy films where they like make a a fucking uh movie about Jeffrey Dahmer or something. It's like um, alright.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00

But like I also I also don't really I don't agree with that like modern criticism, like, oh, you can't make movies where the protagonist is a bad person. Like no, I think you have like in the past. The only problem is just they very clearly did not think about this. Nothing about this movie felt really deliberate, it felt like just a happenstance of various tropes.

SPEAKER_01

And looked at what was popular and then together.

SPEAKER_00

I'm not asking for much, dude. Like, I love that he sucked titties. But like what I would love more is if they fucking had any chemistry at all.

SPEAKER_01

Like you're really a maker if you're passionate about this. More passionate than Death Stalker was about sucking on those titties.

SPEAKER_00

Death Stalker was not passionate at all about sucking, he could have done anything that night and he would have felt the same.

SPEAKER_01

Get this, and this will play, I think, into what you're saying. Like, I was thinking about this earlier. Like, why would they film that scene so weirdly? Like, where he kept cutting to the fucking old dude watching.

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

I think it's because the actor kept fucking up the titty sucking, and so they had to like stitch a bunch of takes together, and so they had to cut to something else in the middle.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, what if the actor was just so uncomfortable? He's like, Can I show any emotion?

SPEAKER_01

No, no, less emotion.

SPEAKER_00

No, they're aiming a gun at him.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's a lady for us, not anyone else.

SPEAKER_00

This isn't about you. That's what an intimacy coordinator was back in the day.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um, but yeah, there's no snuggling at all, no cuddling, not even any like nice hugs. Like non-sexual hugs.

SPEAKER_00

I don't even need that. I don't even need that. I just need some indication before the sex that these characters feel some way about each other. And like, but you know, just I'll take Kyra, the thief, the the titty thief, and Death Starker here. She steals titties. They barely even talk before they fuck. I don't even know if they talk. Like Ogaris talks more. Right.

SPEAKER_01

She tries to rob them and then gets defeated, and then she jumps up.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, like like like and fuck, dude. Like, you know me. Like, I'll fucking love a scene where it's like a fucking two love interests dueling with swords. That rules. I love that.

SPEAKER_01

This did it the opposite way around. Is they dueled the swords and then suck the titties immediately with that belly.

SPEAKER_00

I I would not use the word love interest at any any point in this movie. This this lunatic does not have any love interests. He has I mean he has honestly has flesh.

SPEAKER_01

He has like a pet he keeps. Death Stalker wouldn't keep a pet.

SPEAKER_00

I l I loved that bit. I there's Munkar has this uh fucking uh this evil like flesh worm that lives in a fucking box.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's just like a gross sock puppet.

SPEAKER_00

And there's like a slave boy that he's slowly dismembering and feeding to this thing.

SPEAKER_01

Which was like very dark.

SPEAKER_00

It was very dark, but nobody ever mentioned like this this thing never does anything. It's just it's just a pet he keeps. And like, yeah, yes, weirdly enough, as fucked up as that is, that is Munkart demonstrating some kind of emotion for something that is not himself.

SPEAKER_01

It adds like a layer to his character. Yeah, he doesn't just sit on his throne. He's got a hobby.

SPEAKER_00

It's fucking weird that the that the evil wizard is more emotionally complex, and only then just barely, but still more emotionally complex than the protagonist. Yeah, and like Kyra clearly feels something about him, but like it's completely one-sided. It comes off totally sociopathic, and just like I get it, I get it. I like I I also don't like uh applying modern sensibilities to past shit.

SPEAKER_01

But it just feels like so it feels like somebody's fucking like dream.

SPEAKER_00

In Kroll, for example, they fucking felt shit about each other.

SPEAKER_01

They did, and they did only meet like a little while for a little while, but they felt shit about each other still.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, and like and like fucking come on, man. Like, you know, again, the mic's still class alone. Am I the only one that likes people being in love? I'm sorry, I'm paraphrasing that, and that's not a good mic's class.

SPEAKER_01

The only thing Death Stalker loves is the art of murder.

SPEAKER_00

Death Stalker, and even then he seems like he seems it seems to like hold his interest only briefly, and then he and then he moves on to the next thrill. Like he is a slow-moving serial killer.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Like I like I was telling you, he's like a la natural disaster.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and like I I I guess I can see the allure in that, but like uh I feel this is a good place to talk about the last bit, uh, my last big thought on this thing. Which, you know, as you know, we always talk about sexual stakes on this movie. On not on this podcast, sorry. And we define sexual stakes as just kind of the culmination of emotional and physical attraction, right? Like demonstrations of chemistry, demonstrations of chemistry, both emotional and physical. Uh ideally you will get both of them where the characters will have chemistry and then lay pipe, such as in Carl Urban's Pathfinder. I thought you're gonna say Dread, but yeah. No, he he does it's weird. In Dread he does have chemistry, but it's not romantic at all. Like I think Dread fucks. I don't think so. He keeps the helmet on. I think I think he keeps the helmet on and jerks off into a mirror once a month. And I think that and then I think he calls it good. Yeah. Uh but we talk about sexual stakes. This is a weird this is a very rare movie where it had a lot of sex and very little stakes. And so, you know, oftentimes I feel like when we're talking about a movie, we're talking about how it there's not enough sexual in it, and there's not enough physical chemistry to go with the emotional chemistry. And I still stand by that, but you know, fucking uh we put our money where our mouths are on this podcast. When it's the other way around, it's just as unsatisfying. Because like there is tons of sex, and not all of it is horrible.

SPEAKER_01

Some of it is not all of it, most of it is just like like we said earlier, it's so edgy that it veers into being like uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Uh but there's no chemistry, there's no feelings, there's no emotions, and like I wanted there to be that. Yeah, what if the pig guy had a wife? What if the pig guy had a wife? What if the pig guy came home to his pig wife? And she's fucking Deathstalker. And it's fucking American psycho where he's like looking at himself in the mirror, pointing to himself, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Uh the pig guy goes home.

SPEAKER_00

Pig guy goes home. Pig wife is like, ah, you look, you look tired here. Like, ah, you know, just so much sexism at the workplace.

SPEAKER_01

So much debauchery.

SPEAKER_00

So much debauchery. I'm trying to make an honest living here. Like, it's just I'm a member of the union. People I say you should just quit. No, people, people need me, Margaret. Hard to get a job as a pig man. Tough to get a job, especially now that we're expecting. Oh dear. There's one last thing to do.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna fight this guy from out of town.

SPEAKER_00

I'm gonna fight this guy from out of town and then we can retire, baby. You, me, and you, me, and the kid, we're just gonna be happy.

SPEAKER_01

Yo, what's his name? Uh I don't know. Uh Doomsucker or something.

SPEAKER_00

Doomsu Doomsucker. Doomsucker, the guy that fucking sucks you off to death.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I mean, that's that's a villain.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, if he fucking felt anything about it, it'd be an improvement. Like, I actually have I curse to suck dick until and yet all my dick sucking leads to death.

SPEAKER_01

Like uh, it's Doctor Doom, but the if for the mouth hole in the mask isn't a slit, it's just a circle.

SPEAKER_00

It's a blow-up tall circle.

SPEAKER_01

Like, such is my curse and my burden.

SPEAKER_00

But I mean like I don't know how many more ways I can say it. I just I really wish there had been some emotion to go with this. I recognize this film's uh you know, cultural impact, but and like I do I do think, you know, taking it on what it is, it is kind of a a a relevant movie. But man, I wanted I w I I I really would have been sold, A, if Death Stalker had been slightly less of a dick and if he had like felt something on some on a lot of this shit, you know? But I think that's like that that is my big takeaway from Death Stalker.

SPEAKER_01

Um and I was just gonna, you know, the again the Conan comparison, right? Like spoiler alert for Conan, but in but both of these movies, like the character has like a badass female love interest who dies. Right? But in Conan, yeah, but in Conan it fucking works on multiple levels, and a Death Stalker, all those levels are just demolished by a wrecking ball before the movie even begins.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, there's that wonderful scene in in Conan where uh Valeria James Earl Jones turns himself into an arrow and like into an arrow. And then you fired you James Earl Jones Looney Tunes fucking like wily coyote launches himself out of the ball. The arrow is just a bowl cut. Just the entire movie is just him fucking trying to catch Conan in like fucking wild traps and like under anvils and shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but no, no, that's the scene you were talking about.

SPEAKER_00

I thought yeah, like when they're fighting and uh fucking uh Valeria comes back like as a Valkyrie and like saves him and says, You don't want to live forever, do you? And then like, ah because like the like Valeria dying, that fucked him up. And like, let's be real, 1980s Arnold was not exactly famous for emoting.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, he was still figuring out some of the nuances of like facial movements.

SPEAKER_00

He's still he's still figuring out some of the finer facial muscles. Yeah. But he sold that fucking emotion. He's like Conan didn't talk a lot, but he fucking loved Valeria and it fucking wrecked him when she died. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And he you know, he didn't like break down crying or anything, but it was just very much like a goddamn like he was emotionally impacted, and we, the audience, also were, and our our investment was heightened.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and like that movie was just as cheesy as Death Stalker and it's much better. Like there's fucking there's fucking feelings there.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah if you were to uh improve the sexual stakes of Death Stalker just um more broad strokes I guess but like how would you do it?

SPEAKER_00

Just fucking a couple seasons like fucking actually just have like Death Stalker step back and give people a well like I mean just have him express an emotion. Like have him fucking have him fucking do something nice for Ogaris or have him fucking like be like I'm sorry at the end give him honorable burial or something. Yeah yeah or like show him struggling with it like fucking show him struggling with the death of Kyra. Like fucking have him like playfully say something to her like when she when they're fucking like show any emotion like literally any emotion would be a fucking improvement over what we got.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah and I guess I uh was I mean what what was I went into this movie expecting it to be like pretty attractive what I would do um yeah yeah yeah like like like what do you what do you what are you feeling? I would make Deathstalker like more reserved in terms of his like interactions with the opposite sex like physical interactions but absolutely like once he opens or like once he got together with um uh Kiara right like um I don't know like maybe like uh she could like try to give him like a shoulder massage after or something but he like kind of moves away from her but then later she can try to do the same thing after they've been adventuring together and then he lets her fucking give him a back rub or something.

SPEAKER_00

Something I really I like that's one of my favorite tropes is like maybe not back rub but like fucking one character treats the other character's wounds.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I and like the first character is like ah don't I don't need you get away from me I don't like being touched and like yeah but shut up you gotta be touched.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah now you have to have emotions yeah yeah I think we talked about that way back with uh King Arthur how like there's demonstrations of tenderness right tenderness and care.

SPEAKER_00

I would have loved some tenderness like fucking uh the closest we get is him holding Kyra in his arms as she dies and even then she doesn't seem neither of them seem all that busted up about it. Yeah imagine the last thing you see and you is Death Stalker kind of looking down at you disinterestedly as he slowly checks his phone doesn't even have notifications Death Stalker I love you like click click click click click click click click you're looking up he's texting yeah no he's just on Instagram looking at like bikini models yeah he's fucking flipping through like not bikini models Death Stalker is into something weird like he's he's into clown girls he's just like flipping through girls fucking mashing balloon animals under their asses and he's like kind of raises an eyebrow just like Kyra is just watching him and she's just hearing like poop oh hee he like like girls clown girls giggling and balloon animals popping and fucking desktop like yeah yeah what is that a giraffe yeah oh you you slut that yeah oh that's a terrible giraffe isn't it oh my god I I I'm sorry I ruined I made this worse and I would have um I would have taken you know the the sock puppet monster instead of uh having uh uh monkar like you use magic to disguise his assassin or his yeah his assassin assassin as a woman I just assassin wait wait wait wait wait please let please let me play with that first okay okay yeah hello my name is Saul assassman I'm an assassin slash attorney at law Saul assassman alright I'm sorry I I just I had to I had to go there that's let's go you're a you're a saint for indulging me guys yeah I would have instead of doing the thing with the Saul assassin I would have um had uh Munkar just like reluctantly send his pet to assassinate Death Stalker yeah Death Stalker kills it obviously but that gives the pet something to do and it also like heightens Munkar's hatred for it like makes it personal for Munkar like fuck you that was my favorite pet guys like I think we are we are owed that it's a fantasy film right we gotta see some fucking crazy shit like some what happens with the with the fucking puppet sock right as far as we know it's still just in the box waiting yeah and actually you know decent practical effects for the time yeah like maybe that'd be appreciate the effort let's put it that way yeah maybe the box like the box puppet like uh comes back in the sequel maybe there I mean we might turn into Deathstalker 2 at some point Death Stalker 2 Revenge of the Grizzly Fleshlight Death Stalker 2 manhunt is it just a it's a gritty FBI drama starring Tommy Lee Jones as they as like a hunt a sociopath LARP dude the all right hang on just one last thing yeah the idea of a serial killer hiding out in a LARP group is kind of a a cool idea right or like a Renaissance fake like yeah just imagine Dexter in a LARP group oh yeah that would be great like switches out somebody's foam weapon for a real one so they'll kill somebody else yeah yeah like like he kills the people who who bully his friends yeah and like like he's so fucking awkward and weird but so are they so they don't really notice.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Dude oh I love Michael C. Hall if you're out there fucking please let us know. Yeah Michael Sarah plays like the love interest oh I like that Michael Sarah you just you he's you know what he's left acting and good for him he's he's we've had enough I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm kidding I'll talk about violence but not disrespecting Michael Sarah yeah I do think that if we could take anything from Deathstalker it's that um the Argentinian film industry should have been put down earlier. No I kid I kid um no no we we we recognize the sacrifice this movie made in being gross as fuck to buy like to buy the Argentinia film industry a few more years.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah um I did like the the LARPy sword fighting I did too it's it's very that's like the only time where anyone's having fun.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah and like I'm not saying it needs to be in all movies by any means but I think most movies most action movies involve swords they could use like one instance where like you're like what the fuck are they doing then it goes back to fully choreographed but there's like five ten second shot of people just fucking around it's that it's that kind of part that makes the you're you're familiar with Star Wars kid right yeah the the one of the proto memes one one of the great apex memes yeah wait what one of the progenitor memes a primordial meme a primordial meme one of the one of the base elements of chaos that falls into the modern memescape before there was time there is something very relatable about that and that is we this movie talks about masculinity or I mean this podcast I'm sorry Jesus that's the second time I've done that this podcast talks about masculinity a lot and we must recognize the masculine urge to pick up and do fun shit with a sword or anything that looks remotely like a sword. We do it with sticks all the time dude like yeah like anytime you find a really good sword stick it's like yeah and then you what do you do you don't fucking just carry it you fucking spin it around and like do that fucking trick that fucking Mobius strip demonstrate your might.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah and swing it around and fuck out bro I got feats bro I got feats feats of strength bro cleave brother yeah feats of martial accomplishment bro that's right my subclass is battle master put that on your put that on your dating profile I was gonna say yeah like imagine that or like at a job interview or something like hello my subclass I'm like whatever you know whatever the name is my subclass is battlemaster my subclass is battlemaster or even on the resume my special feat rally and crime imagine on a resume like you get like through the main like part of like in the other curriculum whatever there's a subclass battle master's like when I saw battle master in his hinge profile I knew I had to meet him because I'm a deep wood sniper I mean you know don't tempt me with a good time that that's j you got long range and short range there that's fucking that's that's some good fucking synergy what it put your lockpicking skill on your dating profile I have expertise in lockpicking efficiency bonus is plus four.

SPEAKER_00

I have advantage on sense trap for if you want to go to chilies. Yeah she's like oh I can detect life absolutely no like legitimately if if sense trap meant you could have a partner that could sense when something was about to be a bad idea would you do it? Oh I thought you were gonna say like so you could sense like a bad neighborhood kind of a bad neighborhood you you sack welcome to slap culture social commentary but no what was what was your suggestion she with said with that sense trap actually uh like you know what I've I I don't think I can build on what you just did like I I think I should just let it die this was uh it was a movie this was a movie I like this is a movie you should watch like always I always think that every movie is worth watching no matter how bad or how gross whatever sam Sykes endorses birth of a nation everybody what listen how does it feel to be on the other side of an accusation listen uh we kid obviously but from from from a cultural standpoint I think this movie is actually really worth looking at in the same way that Samurai cop is really worth looking at in fact they're not too dissimilar load bearing load bearing trash and like how the structure is held up and that's you're not you're not it's kind of like the uh the catacombs of Paris with all the skulls you know right like do you go down there because you like seeing skulls no not necessarily well maybe some people but most people go down there because that's historically significant right yeah it's hella got and like to make a full loop on this movie it's like the the guy cranking it and Pompeii like fucking no not like not exactly the most beautiful historical treasure but it's history important but it's history and it tells you something about where we used to be so uh I think how far we've come aka they we remade it last year yeah how far we've come the Vesuvius story that's our story about Pedro Pascal cranking it yeah calm is obviously spelled C U M. Yeah that's why we're subversive Seth Rogan produces all right well this has been Slav Culture would you like to give us a little uh a little fucking housekeeping real quick before that uh what did you want to watch next week I think you suggested Terminator Salvation starring one but I know sir because you know who's in Terminator Salvation Chrissy Bale Chrissy Bale the fucking neighborhood hero I gotta get me but this is the famous Chrissy Bale this is the Chrissy Bale movie that made him freak out on a on a on a random stage hand.

SPEAKER_01

Like everybody gets annoyed is all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00

You know what we don't know what that stage hand was saying doing or wearing he just dresses up like the Joker every day like well beyond when it's funny. Fucking Christian pals just the fucking sick of this shit god damn it like stop with the clown makeup he's never even seen Dark Knight he just does it all right but we're gonna watch Terminator Salvation next week.

SPEAKER_01

Please join us then Will please close us out Slop Culture is a podcast hosted by Sam Sykes that's him and Will Palmer that's me. Please go give us a five star review on whatever platform you heard us on out of five. And nice comments are welcome to you know nothing wrong with that. Our cover art is by Andrew Sides and our intro music is by Joe Roy. You can get in touch with the pod at uh Slopculturepodcast at gmail.com and you can find me on social media at Palmskis or will underscore Palmskis pretty much everywhere.

SPEAKER_00

You can find me at Sam PsychSwears pretty much everywhere this has been Slop Culture the happy hour podcast where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity this has been 1983's Death Stalker this has been uh an episode that's gonna require a lot of editing the things I do thank you for joining us please join us again for Terminator Salvation next week and until then stay sloppy