Slop Culture
Slop Culture is a happy hour podcast that strives to see the beauty in stupidity. Movies, books, video games, media--anything that falls under the theater of the macho and the campy, we can't get enough of. Join us for a drink, a few laughs and then send us your angry letters when we have opinions you don't like.
Slop Culture
Congo - I Think They're Very Magical Creatures
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The year is 1995. Cinemas thrive. The success of Jurassic Park has awakened in America a panicked and perverse need for stories about playing God and then being horribly consumed by primal life forms beyond our control. And like a jazz drummer with a kilo of Horse, Michael Crichton is there to supply a terrified population with its fix in the form of a movie where Tim Curry gets eaten by gorillas. Join Will and Sam for a look into one of ape-based cinema's proudest achievements.
That's right, you bring that son of a gun up on in here.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, get that voice recording software in here. You take the stand. You are accused of being a robot.
SPEAKER_10How do you lead?
SPEAKER_08Not guilty. Sentence to death.
SPEAKER_06Sentence to Magnesis. What's that? I d I don't know. It's it's it's what Magneto does, right?
SPEAKER_07It's kind of a wild, wild west vibe on that one.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, Magnesis. That's I yeah, actually, no, that we did that thing where like I meant meant for that to sound silly, but that actually sounds kind of cool.
SPEAKER_07Like But I mean, think about it this way, though. You'd be like constantly fucking up all your electronics, like all the time.
SPEAKER_06That's true. That's true.
SPEAKER_07Uh you'd be getting stuck to the fucking washing machine.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, well, I assume like if it's Magnesis, uh I don't and like I have no proof for this, but just the sound of the name Magnesis suggests to me that like you have some control over it.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_06Okay, it's not called like it's not like yeah, it's not called like Magnumania or something like that. Like it's okay. It's Magnesis. It's it sounds like something you have studied and trained for. Like to j and like but I do agree, like your your your options uh for fucking like electronics would be limited.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I mean think about Magneto, like that poor guy he's gotta rely on like writing letters and shit.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Well, I mean he's an old-fashioned dude, so he probably doesn't mind, but like Yeah, he was in the Holocaust.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, that's that's I mean it does get more old-fashioned than that, but like that was that that was that Stan Lee who came up with that and was like, yeah, and put him in the Holocaust.
SPEAKER_06I don't I don't know, actually. I I don't I am not as familiar uh with X-Men lore as well as a grim fucking backstory, bro.
SPEAKER_07Like a lot of other superheroes.
SPEAKER_06I don't want to say whimsical, but like you know, his manner and like uh well fucking like you know Tony Stark has always been like an alcoholic, like that was always part of his backstory.
SPEAKER_09True.
SPEAKER_06Uh fucking uh Captain America, like there were there were Nazis going on in in a lot of his backstory.
SPEAKER_07Good counterpoint.
SPEAKER_06Uh Thor, I don't know. See, everything everything seemed to go pretty okay for Thor.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, until Ragnarok, right? Until Ragnarok, yeah, but that's just Norse mythology for you, though. I mean that's that's North mythology. North mythology.
SPEAKER_06North mythology.
SPEAKER_07Dude, I bet the Vikings bullied people with speech impediments like relentlessly.
SPEAKER_06His name is actually Thor, but everyone heard Thor and he was like terrified of correcting them. I am Thor of the Diet. This is my uh hammo.
SPEAKER_07Weeb Thor is a real interesting idea. I will come down and smite you with the band hammer.
SPEAKER_06I will come down and smite you with my band hammer. Milady, is this man harassing you? Alright. Um fucking Craig, good to see you.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, we were just funning around, Craig. We're not actually gonna put you on a show trial and then you know, you can't say show trial without show.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_07We're not actually gonna tear you apart with magnet powers. That would be rude.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. That would be terrible. That would be rude.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06If we invited if I invited you here and tore you apart with magnet powers, you you would absolutely say that'd be rude.
SPEAKER_07I'd be mad in like the split second before I was atomized. Same. Same. Sorry. I I No, no, for sure. It's like a universal constant. I think most people, I'm pretty confident saying most people would be unhappy going over to a friend's house and then being instantly reduced to vapor.
SPEAKER_06Yes. Well, I mean, there's probably like because you know, the world's a big place. Uh everyone everyone's got some kind of kink. There's probably at least one person out there with a pulled apart by magnets.
SPEAKER_07Oh, yeah, that's why I said most kink.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, but you know, I mean, that's that's that's the problem, is like all the friends he makes, they aren't the people who are like that.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, not really much of a convention.
SPEAKER_06Lonely, lonely, lonely, ex lonely existence.
SPEAKER_07Magnetophile?
SPEAKER_06It would have been a very different comic if that had been his case. This is magnetophile.
SPEAKER_07I'm like, oh bro, are you allowed at the this is a school?
SPEAKER_06No, it's magnetophile. I love magnets.
SPEAKER_04I'm here to steal your science lab. I gotta get fucked up.
SPEAKER_06I guess that's my vision for Magnetophile is he's kind of a more aggressive Brooklynite version of Magneto.
SPEAKER_01Like, I gotta, I gotta get fucked up on Magnets!
SPEAKER_07And Tony Stark just drunk driving the Iron Man suit, crashes into the building.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_07Like, was that ever part of a storyline?
SPEAKER_06Because like if he was drunk and he owns the Iron Man suit, you would think Well no, because like because his his he works with his AI, you know, so like he is dead.
SPEAKER_08Jarvis, drive me home. I'm I can't pulled over Jarvis. I can't be like pulled over again. I got too many points.
SPEAKER_06So like I have a number of fucked up uh would you like me to fake your breathalyzer, sir? Yes, yes, he grows up in the inside the helmet. It's like something it's coming out the ice the ice no officer, I I'm not gonna fucking short circuits and he like chokes the tennis. Like he collapses to the ground and there's just a a slow pan out as the credits roll. This happens like six minutes into the movie. Uh Iron Man 2, which I you know, I I have some pretty fucked up opinions about LCU, but like one of my most fucked up is that I liked Iron Man 2.
SPEAKER_07That is fucked up because it was just relentless character development. Like yeah, that's true. Yeah, Nikki Bourg fucking doing Russian shit.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, and I will I will concede that the villains were pretty lame. Mickey Bourg.
SPEAKER_00My father and your father had beef, and now I also have beef and tattoos.
SPEAKER_05Now I also have beef, and we were on beef business together. But we are step brothers who have nothing in common. Oh no.
SPEAKER_00It's like crazy comedy situation.
SPEAKER_05Then Zell Washington is our neighbor.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, and then Tony starts. I'm sorry, do you speak English?
SPEAKER_06Oh don't don't puke, you will make me puke. I know I know it's juvenile, but fucking the idea of speaking blackout. I am Iron Man.
unknownI am Iron Man.
SPEAKER_06I'm Iron Man. It actually is kind of funny if he just like pukes randomly. Like when he gets really nervous or something. Yeah. He just like so sweaty. Like fucking fucking he gets overwhelmed by a social situation.
SPEAKER_07He just starts chundering, breathing real fast. I'm Iron Man Raw.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he just confesses it out of no. And everybody everybody already knows he is.
SPEAKER_07So yeah, Tony, wenexplicable.
SPEAKER_09Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Social difficulties iron man. My new favorite. Like every every issue is just him like failing to connect with people. Oh boy. Alright, I we gotta start the show. Yeah, let's do it. Do you believe that two single men could raise a talking gorilla in the fast-paced modern world of the 1990s American lifestyle? And if so, would you be willing to sign a petition to that effect? Welcome to Slop Culture. Today we're talking about 1995 Congo. Yes, welcome to Slop Culture, the Happy Hour podcast, where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity. I am your host, Sam Sykes, and with me, as always, a man who endured a very lengthy court battle that set legal precedent after he was charged with running the world poker tournament for dogs. It's Will Palmer, everybody.
SPEAKER_07Allegedly.
SPEAKER_06Allegedly. Like you, I I gotta say, you were you were you were found uh not guilty.
SPEAKER_07Like I was found uh you know, ultimately my involvement uh I've been advised by my attorneys to not speak on it further, but let's not forget the ones that were found guilty. That's true. Yeah. There's a great dane in Zanzibar. He actually uh they they put him in the gas chamber.
SPEAKER_06That was fucked up, but I mean on the other hand. I mean, I gotta be real, he did say some fucked up things on the stand.
SPEAKER_07Like Yeah, I didn't think he would get that racial. It had nothing to do with poker.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I know. He just he just took the opportunity to just say a lot of crazy shit.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, like the jurors were in an uproar.
SPEAKER_06Incredible that uh it was tried in The Hague, but like someone pointed out to me that like the Hague does you know, there there aren't quite as many war crimes as there used to be.
SPEAKER_09Right. And it wasn't interesting.
SPEAKER_06You know, and I'm not saying I'm not saying the world is free from atrocity, I'm just saying the Hague, you know, gotta throw them a bone every once in a while. Yeah, can I say something fucked up and like wonder if maybe if maybe the Hague like like if if like you know the Nazi trials they were like, yeah, like you know, they're all they've been forever chasing that high.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, like they kind of peaked with those, huh?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, like like I know that's fucked up to say considering the the the scale of the atrocity, but like you know that shit was pretty bad. If if you're gonna spit in God's eye, you might as well snort first, right?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, they hanged a bunch of motherfuckers.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like I'm just saying, like, and you know, they saw justice done. Great work.
SPEAKER_07Oh yeah, brother.
SPEAKER_06And and they were extremely important, like all eyes of the world on them.
SPEAKER_07Like that was good stuff. I'm glad we hanged those guys.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like like good stuff for sure. But like, do you ever think like until then they're like they're like just kind of like because in my head it it looks like a judge's box, like a tribute a chancel.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, they're gonna get all just like the wigs on. Yeah, but they're all just like fucking like loafing, and like you know, one's scrolling, one's playing fan Final Fantasy tactics on his Switch 2, and like one's sleeping, and then like one of them's reading like really aggressive like hentai, like a hentai comic book.
SPEAKER_06Some really fucked up indie thing.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, like like a the deep volume, like a like a 700-page volume. He's a way he's like a long way through it, and he's like there are little like post-it notes sticking out of random things.
SPEAKER_06He's been taking like extend he's he like keeps ordering the deluxe versions and charging it to the fucking UN. And then like every now and then someone comes in, like, oh I think we found a war crime. Like, oh, really? Really? Really? And then they're like, Is it is it like one of those really clear-cut, uh like morally like indefensible war crimes? Like, no, it's it's actually quite clear.
SPEAKER_07It's dog poker. And they're like, all right, bring him in.
SPEAKER_06Like, all right, bring him in.
SPEAKER_07And bring in the great Dane, he's like, Well, now let me tell you about the war of northern aggression. And they're like, sir, we haven't asked you any questions yet.
SPEAKER_06I don't want to breathe life into it, but I will stop and acknowledge, much as I would acknowledge an evil spirit.
SPEAKER_09Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_06I will acknowledge Confederate Great Tane. Sounds like a fucked up version of like Foghorn Leghorn or something like that. That's that sounds that like a like a loony tune that was around for like one episode and like immediate, immediately taken out of existence. Like they took they took the guy, the cartoonist who wrote him out back and shot him.
SPEAKER_07Shot him like fucking they're building a ride at like Disney and then they just burn it all, burn it, burn it, burn it all! Like Genghis Khan style, they'd kill all the workers who burned it, so nobody knows.
SPEAKER_06Buried them in like a river that they jammed, they release it. Dude, that I mean, as as far as fucking like burials go, that's you would ex you would expect Genghis Khan to do something like that.
SPEAKER_07Like I just wouldn't have volunteered. Well, I guess it wasn't really like a volunteer to dig.
SPEAKER_06I don't think I don't think there was a lot of volunteering going on in the Mongol Empire.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, fair point.
SPEAKER_06Like, I I don't I don't think the Mongols like circulated local petitions and and like got parents to chip in for local big sang.
SPEAKER_07Dude, the Mongol Parent Teacher Association. Yeah, Kublai's kids have been, you know, I feel like they've been getting too much starting time on the process.
SPEAKER_06I'm not calling you in here because Tim's grades are bad. Like, obviously, like look at him. He's great at mathematics.
SPEAKER_09He's a bright kid.
SPEAKER_06But we are noticing he is lagging behind in horseback archery. And uh, you know, not to be not to like point out the obvious, but like as Mongols, that's that's kind of what we're all about.
SPEAKER_07It's a big deal. We gotta we gotta get on that.
SPEAKER_06He he is great at math. He is great at math, no kidding, no kidding. But like we're kind we're good on math. Like what we really need is like we are not creating a vast empire with math, yeah.
SPEAKER_07Like like do it by murdering like tons and tons of people. And sure, we could use a guy to count all the heads, but like we have to collect the heads first, right?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, but he but even then it's more about like you know, putting the heads in displays, it's really more a right side of the brain.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, we're we're all about setting up like uh like a macabre tableau.
SPEAKER_06Well, now I want to pivot to like a fucking like sitcom about the accountant at fucking at the Mongol court, and just like Jesus Christ, how much are we how much are we spending on stakes?
SPEAKER_07He's helping his kid out with his like math homework and it's got like a word problem. Like Genghis has 15 human skulls and he needs to put them on four stakes. He's trying to arrange them in like right.
SPEAKER_06Oh, could it could it be could it be like a a like like a kind of rom-com situation where like it's Genghis Khan's kid's math tutor, and she's like you know, she's new to the horde. Oh, but oh geez, how am I gonna make it in this in this messing up all these like social faux pas. Yeah, yeah, like oh geez, missing all this thing, and like you know, Genghis Khan is like just sort of an exasperated father figure. It's like, how's my boy doing? And the kid's like all sassy in that 90s.
SPEAKER_01Like, I'm good at math, but yes, it's like, I don't know who stinks worse.
SPEAKER_07Me, my brains, or you he kicks open the door to the yurt, and the audience is like he takes like a big bite out of a fucking like horse heart. I don't know if he actually did that, but and just like burps in the audience, like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
SPEAKER_06He's like, oh, that's gonna come back onto me. Oh like I can't go any further with this.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, then like the kids are like chilling, like doing their math homework, and he's just like bringing in like slaves and like in the background.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god. But also, I was thinking, like, what if there's just like flashes of like incredible violence? Like, and the re and the rest of the time it's just a family-friendly sitcom.
SPEAKER_07And it's treated like incredibly casually, like the violence is just the same as everything else, but the audience and the the audience is reacting like, oh my god, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_06He's like cutting a man's face off, and like Genghis picks up a sword and he like oh like kind of bounces between his hands, audience is like ha ha ha ha. And then he just like brings it down, bisects a guy's skull, like the audience is like woo. Actually, no, it's funnier if they're like, oh god!
SPEAKER_07Yeah, it's like just brutal fucking, like incredibly graphic practical effects, and then it just goes back to little Genghis.
SPEAKER_06The audience is just broken from that point out, and they're just like, every time they laugh, it's just nervous.
SPEAKER_07Occasionally the guy playing Genghis like look out at the audience and make like a throat slitting gesture. Jeez. And then like point up at the fucking like uh the sign that instead of saying laugh, it just says laugh or I'll fucking kill you.
SPEAKER_06I I I'm gonna I'm gonna say Genghis knows best. It's probably not gonna get off the ground. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna I'm just gonna bet the game. You know, like I meant I meant for today's for for today's jape to be kind of whimsical, you know, like oh he he it's like dog fighting, but it's it's it's word poker, and like but it's poker. And like, you know, like so he so it's like it's kind of ethically complicated, right? Like, because he's not actually like abusing the dogs, but he is uh pinning them against each other just in games of chance. So that's a little fucked up somehow.
SPEAKER_07Oh, there's skill involved too, yeah.
SPEAKER_06And yet, and yet we have somehow ended at Genga full house but Genghis Khan. Yeah. Oh fuck, and like and like his his his fucking brothers and and cousins are like goofy, goofy comedian. Guest stars, yeah. Yeah, goofy guest star. Oh fuck like Larry David guest stars.
SPEAKER_07Yes.
SPEAKER_06Zach Efron is Marco Polo.
SPEAKER_07Oh my god. Uh fucking fat fucker, Paul Blart, he plays Genghis.
SPEAKER_06Uh Kevin James.
SPEAKER_07Kevin James plays Genghis.
SPEAKER_06I don't I don't know if he's a fat fuck anymore.
SPEAKER_07Um that's a bummer, dude. And I'm sorry. Shout out Kevin James. You're a good guy, I think. And uh, you know, weight doesn't define you, obviously.
SPEAKER_06I I I am I am gonna say I do appreciate your apology. You are you're you're doing a good thing there. I also feel like Kevin James is probably like in his in his very comfortable career, he is probably not that bothered by that strip.
SPEAKER_00But it's a it's a mean thing to say, though, you know?
SPEAKER_07And so I personal apology to Kevin James. I'm actually being serious for once. But I think you could make a good maybe uh uh I don't know, maybe he could play one of the fucking um fuck, I'm drawing a blank on like uh you know the guys who like they shot all the fucking plague rats into their city and started the Oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Like he's a siege foreman and he's just got like the this affable down-to-earth energy. Like, hey guys, we got all these infected bodies. I got an idea. Yeah, hey, I got an idea, fellas. Yeah, crack open a cold one and come with me.
SPEAKER_07It's a union job, like that's the union job.
SPEAKER_04Hey!
SPEAKER_07That's the problem with that episode, is like a bunch of the Mongols think it's like a no-show job to like go to the tri the plague tribuches, and so Kevin James has to like get them all together.
SPEAKER_06There's like some Song Dynasty scabs.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_07Well, um If you were sent back in time, by the way, uh sent back in time, um, and you just ended up like in front of Genghis Khan, and he's not for whatever reason, he doesn't feel like killing you immediately. You got like a few minutes to convince him to not kill you, and you do not speak his language, and he does not speak yours.
SPEAKER_09Ooh. What you gonna do with it? What that mouth do, Sam?
SPEAKER_06Oh, there's no way I'm offering to blow him. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But but I I mean like just you know, he's fucking Genghis Khan, right? So like he's had he's had his share of blowjobs. He's probably he's he's probably like had blowjobs over the empire.
SPEAKER_07He could offer you unimaginable pleasures.
SPEAKER_06Is that like Xerxes? Oh, that's Xerxes. That was like Javier Bartem got the fucking urging you to suck Kinkus Costa.
SPEAKER_04Hold on. Do it heads, you suck. Tails, you get fucked. You are you get fucked.
SPEAKER_06This kind of sucks. Yeah, like do I have to do something with it? Do I have to do I have to suck his dick?
SPEAKER_07Do you know how old this dick is?
SPEAKER_06This is this is getting gas con stick. I mean, this this is gone too crazy. This has gone too much.
SPEAKER_07Do you know how how long this dick has traveled here to get to this truck stop in Texas? It was pickled in four mile to hide. There's no near 1200. Well, I mean, just Javier Bardem's rolling around with his dick in a jar and just like presenting it to people in a threatening fashion. What? And now the dick is here and you have to either suck it or fuck it.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_06Storytelling is a fucking is a fucking whirlpool, Will. And like so yeah, you want it you want to circle around the outer hedge. But if you let yourself go, you just get sucked under, and you end up posing a hypothetical where Javier Bartem is traveling America with Angus Cotton's preserved penis.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_10Commanding people do things with it.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_06It's like talking to you sometimes. Go ahead. Is it's like talking to a Junji Ito about like your cousin next day. Came and visited, and like now you have Genghis Khan's dick and you've got to do something with it. Well, no, because in Junji Ito you can't really do anything, you just you just kind of you find yourself drawn to doing it. Yeah, you you you just kind of get hammered by misfortune and then it ends. Um but listen.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06While we're talking about stuff happen that happened in East Asia.
SPEAKER_07Okay, interesting segue.
SPEAKER_06I saw a video today, and I don't would you agree with me if I said uh elderly Chinese dudes doing stuff in parks in China is kind of a genre?
SPEAKER_07Sure. I saw a guy riding around like a pig once, like a steed. He was riding the actual pig? Riding the pig is like his friend. Was that like a big pig? No cool. It was, it was a very large pig. Fucking cool.
SPEAKER_06Wow. I guess they must be buddies.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I think so. Like just I pig was fast too. Fast as a motherfucker.
SPEAKER_06Really? Oh, I believe that. I believe that. Like a pig can hustle, man.
SPEAKER_07Like so you see him doing that. They got they're doing Tai Chi and shit.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. They do like Tai Chi and stuff. Like you all and like, you know, sometimes they're like just a bunch of uh people just in a in a band, like just jamming out, like no, we're but but you know, like with drums and cymbals and shit. Like uh I I I I like it a lot, but I saw a video of these elderly looking dudes in what appeared to be a a park in in China somewhere in a Chinese city. Uh and they were hanging from contraptions, sort of like hammocks, hammocks around their necks.
SPEAKER_09Like a noose?
SPEAKER_06Like a very high quality noose, yeah. Like like yeah, like well, but like it was very clearly intentional and like not like uh intended to look like yeah, like a fitness thing, and it looked like they were just holding themselves up by their neck muscles.
SPEAKER_09Whoa.
SPEAKER_06But there was uh there was one of them who was just like sort of spinning around. Oh and like his lower body, his lower body went kind of limp, and he was just sort of like doing this very like his legs were all swinging around and shit.
SPEAKER_07Like crazy.
SPEAKER_06I guarantee you can see it somewhere. Like just you know, I don't know what fucked up search term you're gonna have to put in to find it, but you can find it.
SPEAKER_07This is gonna make me sound bad, but he was on the flight log, so I can make this joke. But but imagine like putting in one of those bad boys. I what'd you do on the plane? Oh my god. I do think they got him off. It was probably the emergency slide, right? Couldn't use the stairs.
SPEAKER_06I think they probably got him the same way they you need to cut you. You are you are no longer like poking your face into the fox den. You are putting your dick in there. And just torn in the circle, and then yeah, and then like meat spinning it. Yeah, and then you're and then later like it's like barbecue sauce over it. Yeah, then you're like, oh no, I've got dick rabies. Well, yeah, you have dick rabies, Will. You put your dick in a foxhole. Yeah, like, oh geez, and like there's there's a whole fucking like 1980s cartoon special about this where like Winnie the Pooh comes out, oh don't put your dick in a foxhole, Will. And then I turn my dick turns rabid.
SPEAKER_04And then like, ah, Winnie, why didn't you say something? Oh you asshole, you asshole, oh don't don't take that. No, you don't need to talk like that, Will. Like, oh fuck you, Winnie! Fuck you, like Will, come on, please.
SPEAKER_07Christopher Robin has to put me down with a shotgun. Jesus.
SPEAKER_06And you know, like that was that was that was what they used to talk about back in the day. Yeah, but no, I the the reason I brought this up is because like I don't know if you've ever like after doing squats or something, uh held up do a spine decompression where you just kind of hang from a bar. Yeah, it feels great, you know, and like so. Yeah, watching that whole like thing unfurl with these Chinese dudes, I kept thinking like that must feel so fun. Like, on like it it looks like doing that gives you a 99% chance of like injuring yourself horribly. Sure. But like on the 1% chance it works, and you've just and you're just fucking like decompressing the entire fucking time.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. It's like training for autoerotic asphyxiation.
SPEAKER_06You will train yourselves to be to come within ten seconds of wrapping that belt around your throat. I am not what what was his name? Cut cut this next part, but uh what who is the guy that died uh by autoero asphyxiation?
SPEAKER_07Oh oh David Carradine.
SPEAKER_06David Carradine. I am not David Carradine, I am not gonna lose any of you to the ghost of Carradine.
SPEAKER_07You will see a tunnel. You will come before you reach the end of that tunnel. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? You will come back.
SPEAKER_06You will achieve climax. You will achieve climax. This is the whole point. That's why you joined the military. I was gonna say, uh, I don't I don't know if you've ever seen like old school footage of like how they tried to fix scoliosis in kids.
SPEAKER_07Oh, I bet it was really whack. They strapped them.
SPEAKER_06Well they they some kind of yeah, and kind of like a harness and then like kind of sp spin them around a little like a tether ball.
SPEAKER_07Oh, that's kind of awesome.
SPEAKER_06But yeah, the idea that like gra like I don't know. I don't think they do it anymore, but uh I think like the idea was that they would let gravity like and yeah and like centrifugal force kind of like straighten shit out. Sure. Which like I see the logic, and like it seemed to be the same logic that was guiding these uh old Chinese dudes. I gotta say, it looked fucking it looked fucking cool, but now all I can think about is how it's like fucking like autoerotic asphyxiation dojos.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Uh did any of the guys have like ankle weights on? Because that would be truly next level. I'm sure some of them did.
SPEAKER_06Like, I'm sure they're totally flexing on each other. That'd go so hard, dude. Like getting getting that's how they mog each other. Like at normal gyms, you just lift more than your bro, but on in the fucking Chinese parks, like the fucking game gets real out there, is what I'll say.
SPEAKER_07One of them, like like they have like uh endurance competitions, and one of them legit dies during it, but nobody notices for like days, and I think he's just like crazy hardcore. They just think he's way into it, but it's just gravity swinging his cold corpse around. It's like dude, Larius is crushing it these days. Like there's a stray dog hanging off the wrist.
SPEAKER_06Just like a a a pigeon pecking out his eyeball. God, look at that, look at that dedication.
SPEAKER_07I've told you before about like how if I was ever in like a scenario like the gray, I would just like uh ideally if I had it available, I'd just like slather myself in barbecue sauce and just be like, come and feast upon me. Why? What's the logic there? I mean, I'm gonna get wrecked by wolves anyway. Like, I'm gonna go to the show. That's true. One, I might as well give them a good meal, and two, it'll be my f my ultimate victory, because they'll never have a meal that good again. They'll never have sweet baby ray's delicious barbecue sauce. I mean, it'd be crazy if they did. How often, like, what are the chances that that happens twice?
SPEAKER_06Alright, I just want to be clear. I wanted I want to I want to repeat the joke and say your plan for dealing with wolves is to make yourself so delicious that you ruin food for them.
SPEAKER_07Yes.
SPEAKER_06And every caribou they eat from that point, I was like, it's just not the same.
SPEAKER_07Exactly.
SPEAKER_06And so, like, your revenge is that you will existally torture these wolves. The whole pack, yep. As they lay awake at night going like, oh god, it's just not the same. I'd do anything to taste that one more time.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, the wolves go down to like Nashville or something.
SPEAKER_06It's like a fucking train spawning thing. There's like a wolf like in on his back in his den go like, oh, uh, oh, he's like having a dream. He sees you like crawling across the fucking ceiling.
SPEAKER_07I'm entirely nude and slathered in barbecue sauce.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like he's like his eyes are closed, like he feels barbecue sauce land on him. He's like, what the fuck? Opens his eyes and there's you like coiling above, like, wasn't I delicious? You're gonna requiem for a dream, these fucking wolves.
SPEAKER_07Yes. And honestly, I think it's a good plan. It just kind of hinges on me having like a big tub of sweet baby rays when the plane goes down in the wilderness.
SPEAKER_06I think you could do with at least two bottles. Like one bottle you would only get like a very thin coating, but like two bottles you you would get like a good thick coverage.
SPEAKER_07Would I like would it be better for the wolves, do you think, if I like chugged a whole bottle so it just like was like a gooey surprise? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Kind of kinda like you know, like infusing from within. Like you know, like how you stuff a turkey's cavity. A cavity, yeah. Yeah, so like I if you want, you could like just enamo the fucking barbecue sauce right before I die. You could butt chug a bottle of Kinder's mesquite flavored, bold and spicy.
SPEAKER_07The wolves are prowling around, their eyes like flashing in the dark. I'm just on all fours of the barbecue sauce bottle.
SPEAKER_06The wreckage of the plate, just like fucking in the fucking generator position, ass in the air, fucking a bottle of barbecue sauce just slowly draining.
SPEAKER_02Uh uh.
SPEAKER_06One of the wolves is like, we should eat him now. Like, this is getting weird. And the other one's like, no, no, no, no, no. Let let him. He's like, What why why like why are we letting him do this? Like, I'm gonna eat the asshole. Like, he's like, are you under some impression, George, that I'm not gonna eat his asshole? George, I'm gonna eat everything.
SPEAKER_08I'm a wolf, I'm not a fucking orca. I'm not a gourmand, George.
SPEAKER_06I'm not a gourmand, George. I'm a f I like Burger King. I'm a simple man.
SPEAKER_10That's why I never connect with your fucking elite politics, George. You sack of shit!
SPEAKER_06I'm tired of you looking down on me.
SPEAKER_07What would you do if you were in a the gray situation?
SPEAKER_06I'd probably I'd try to go down fighting, like no wait, well hold on.
SPEAKER_07You got options. Not a lot.
SPEAKER_06I feel like I gotta try at least something.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, exactly. I'm curious what kind of uh mischief you'd get up to.
SPEAKER_06Oh, it would not be mischief. There'd be a lot of crying and like it wouldn't be like home alone out in the wilderness. It'd be home alone, but Kevin is fucking terrified for his life.
SPEAKER_07That would actually be a good movie.
SPEAKER_06Hold up in the closet with a real shotgun and unloads into the kindly neighbor who came to check it.
SPEAKER_07Exactly. Like blows his entire head off his shoulders.
SPEAKER_06Just like ah he's traumatized for life. That's what it'd be like.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Um, no, I think it'll be uh so I am getting attacked by wolves, right? It's not just like lots of women. So lots of wolves.
SPEAKER_07Three score wolves. I don't know how many, but it's like a lot of a lot of wolves.
SPEAKER_06That's quite a bit of wolves.
SPEAKER_09Which is a score, like 14?
SPEAKER_06I think so.
SPEAKER_09Uh and it's like 42 wolves.
SPEAKER_0642 wolves are um I think I think I'm just gonna go for broke and like try to create like a boomerang out of my plane out of my plane wreckage.
SPEAKER_07Nice. Big boomerang. Huge, really. You're not Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_06Well, I'm not picking up the entire fucking plane. Like, I'm okay. I'm finding some scrap metal.
SPEAKER_07Okay, you're not gonna do a dirk pit though and make like a giant wind-powered like snowboard.
SPEAKER_06No, no, no. I'm I I don't have that level of charisma. I don't have I don't have main character power in that.
SPEAKER_07So boomerang.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I'll make a boomerang and then I'll throw it, and then like the wolves are gonna be like, What was that? What was that?
SPEAKER_07Like I don't know.
SPEAKER_06That was a that was a yeah, that was a boomerang. Like, well, why a boomerang? Which I just I just thought like I had this sharp piece of metal that kind of looked like a boomerang. That's what I do. Like, okay, so but but like you know that like even wooden boomerangs are like really difficult to use, right? Like, even the the most perfect boomerang is still difficult to use. Like, well, yeah, like and have you ever used a boomerang? No, I haven't, but okay, so like I'm just I'm just trying to figure out your logic. So like just a really like Reddit moderator wolf, like it's just I'm I'm just hoping to like just aggravate everyone. So like even after they eat me, they're still not happy. So like, yeah, we're still we're still in the same boat, you and me. It's just yeah, you went towards passion, and I went towards pettiness.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, you're like crafting weapons in the background, and meanwhile, I just like stride off in the snow and like sit down in like a Buddha position and start like pouring barbecue sauce on myself.
SPEAKER_06I'm thinking you've doing that like as an act of protest in front of the White House. Yep, basically or barbecue. So I'm like, what are you protesting? I I I don't know.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, we're not sticky enough.
SPEAKER_06We're not sticky enough.
SPEAKER_08The world must be sticky.
SPEAKER_06I would love all right now. I swear to god, this is my last pivot, and then I I want to talk about the movie, but like I would love a supervillain who just wanted to make shit sticky. No, yeah. Like villains with very limited scope, I find very, very funny.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, like uh guy who wanted to make all the toilet paper in the world like just less reliable.
unknownHa!
SPEAKER_08I'm shitty fingernails, man.
SPEAKER_06I I'm shitty fingernails, man.
SPEAKER_08They call that the scrub. They call no, not the scrub. Uh check your gloves, Batman. They call that a rear they call that a rear delivery. Oh my god, Harvey, shitty fingers man has put bad toilet paper at City Hall. We have to warn the commissioner.
SPEAKER_06Batman! I just like, Commissioner, you gotta get all this shit toilet paper out. It's unreliable. It'll break. Batman! You're too late! I just wiped my ass and then immediately reached into a bag of tostitos. And then shared the tostitos with the entire department.
SPEAKER_10Really got in there, Batman. We didn't leave a crumb.
SPEAKER_08Batman, are we all gonna have pink eye? Dear God, Gordon! Dear God, Gordon!
SPEAKER_04Oh, oh, I'm puking.
unknownI've got to be.
SPEAKER_08You have to get to an eye wash station, Gordon.
SPEAKER_04We just disabled the maniac!
SPEAKER_06Two-Face, he's disabled them!
SPEAKER_08You have to throw out the Tostitos, Gordon, but they're so good!
SPEAKER_06I can't! It's the ones that are lime flavored!
SPEAKER_08There's shit on them, Gordon!
SPEAKER_10There's shit on them, Gordon! Gordon's not Jim! Jim!
SPEAKER_06Batman goes back to the back cave. Robin just walks out of the toilet. You have it flush, and he's got a bag of Doricitos.
SPEAKER_10Oh! Why didn't you use the chopsticks? Like we talked about, it keeps all the orange shit off your fingers. I like the orange shit.
SPEAKER_06I hate this. I hate what we've done with this. I want to move on, and I want to move on right the fuck now. Alright, let's do it. I need you to talk about the movie Congo that we talked about. It is a 1995 blockbuster in the vein of Jurassic Park, and in fact came out not too far after, I feel.
SPEAKER_07Also based on a Michael Crichton book.
SPEAKER_06Also based on a Michael Crichton novel. And uh this was in hindsight, clearly an attempt to cash in on that mania. This was sort of the the formation of the Crichton cinematic universe. And I remember actually the Crichton verse. Uh I remember seeing this in the movie theaters. And honestly, I was really bummed because I was like, oh, I love Jurassic Park, and then I got apes, and I'm like, okay. Like, and like, like, I'm sorry. This is this is Godzilla's law. Dinosaurs are cooler than apes. That's that's that that's just it. You know, I'm sorry. That's it. That's it.
SPEAKER_07Like, that's fair.
SPEAKER_06No debate, no debate. I will say that like fucking if you want to talk about like prehistoric mammals versus dinosaurs, I'm open to that debate because I love the prehistoric mammal era.
SPEAKER_07You're a big uh big uh apes guy too, or uh gorillas.
SPEAKER_06I guess you're a big I love apes. I love I I love apes. I I I I want to get in I you know no, let's get into it now. I fucking I love anything to do with apes. I love apes when they have normal jobs, like fucking Dunstan, or like, you know, like like or I'll say like I love adjuster, yeah, yeah, like like or like fucking Dunstan checks in that ape was a jewel thief. Uh Murders of the Room Morgue, that ape had a job.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, right. I think he was a hitman.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he was a hitman. No, I mean, like even even he was a monkey that fucking killed people.
SPEAKER_07Like I mean, the job's a job, I guess.
SPEAKER_06Job's a job. Like, well, I did the fucking ape is not gonna fucking like he didn't choose he's he's it's like John Wick, you know, he didn't choose this life, it was just it was forced upon him.
SPEAKER_07Let me do the uh two-minute recap before I fucking drive us any further into the minefield.
SPEAKER_06This is a movie about gorillas, and I want you to tell us all about it. Uh fuck it. Let me get my let me get my timer out, because I can't count to two minutes. I'm not built like that. It's just not alright, ready? In three, two, one, go.
SPEAKER_07Alright, it's the crazy world of 1995. And there's some uh scientists who are working for a communications company who are dicking around in uh the Congo. Um, and uh, you know, things are going well, and one of them is played by Bruce Campbell, is just kind of like chilling, and then like one of his homies' eyeballs just gets thrown into his hand from the woods. And obviously he takes that poorly, but then um he and like everybody else get jumped by like crazy like a monkey gorillas. Um like these monstrous gray gorillas that you only can see a little bit of. And then they're being watched on video camera um by the head of the communications company and Bruce Campbell's dad, same guy. And the main chick whose name I forget, so we're gonna call her CIA because she used to work for the CIA. And the uh main dude is like, okay, like you gotta go like rescue my son, who is also your ex-fiance, but also you should try to find the diamond that like I like want for my communications satellite. The chick is like word, and then for some reason she's like talking to a fucking dude with like a monkey. Um and the monkey's real smart, and the monkey's name is Amy, and they're gonna take Amy and reintroduce her to the jungle. So they travel together to fucking Africa, they meet up with uh Ernie Hudson, who uh guides them into the Congo, they get shot down. Um let's see. Once they get shot down, they actually have like a really interesting kind of cross-country adventure trying to get to the place that they're going to where the uh diamonds uh are. It's uh the lost city of Sinj, is what they're like looking for. Um and they're also joined by this like crazy, I think, Romanian treasure hunter. And um they uh continue uh adventuring, they get attacked by hippos, some of their uh guides die, and finally they reach the area where the lost city of Zinj is supposed to be, and they get attacked by like hyper-intelligent fucking gorillas that like overcome their sentry guns and chase them into this like crazy lava cave. Yeah, there's a volcano that goes off. I should have mentioned that. There's a volcano that goes off. They find the diamonds, a bunch of them die. CIA puts the diamond into like a communications laser and fucking bisects a bunch of gorillas with it. The rest of the gorillas jump into a fucking lake of lava while the main characters escape. Amy the gorilla, who's there most of the time, like goes back to live with the other gorillas, and then they throw the fucking diamond away into the jungle is like a fuck you to the main communications dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's about it. I let you go on just because I felt you were closing in on it. Um two things. Two things. I mean, more than two things, but the two things that are on my mind. One, you should mention uh that the Romanian dude is played by Tim Curry and he fucking rules at it, and it's like that we we are big Tim Curry fans here.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Ernie almost calls Ernie Hudson the N-word.
SPEAKER_06Does he?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. There's some there's a bad guy in this movie. He's I liked Ernie Hudson, dude. I was like immediately like, oh, uh fuck this guy. Oh, Ernie Hudson handles it well because Ernie Hudson's.
SPEAKER_06Ernie Hudson plays this very confident, very cool, very uh, very well spoken and curious uh wilderness guide, and his character is great. But before we talk about that, I want to point out that like you called Amy a monkey.
SPEAKER_09Yes.
SPEAKER_06And she's a fucking ape. You know that. You know that gorillas are apes. There are four pills. There are technically five apes. We are one of them. Damn, that's fucked up. That's fucked up. Now you feel fucking stupid, don't you? Don't you calling her a monkey? You sack a shit. That's your cousin. That's your brother. That's your ta's that's that's that that could have been you. That could have been you, Will.
SPEAKER_07Would you hang out with a monkey like Amy?
SPEAKER_06Oh, dude, I would not hang. I I for one, I would object. I would not call them monkey. I would say, no, I'm not going to hang out with that ape because that thing can fucking crush my skull with like a fucking if it sneezes too hard and like lashes out, I'm fucking dead. Like, like I do not trust myself to remain cool enough around a fucking gorilla so that it stays calm, you know.
SPEAKER_07Oh yeah, they do kind of their vibes-based.
SPEAKER_06That is that is not their their a vibes-based omnivore, much like us. Uh but there are there are four we are one ape. Gorillas are another ape.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_06Uh orangutans, another ape. Orangutens, sorry, sorry, everybody.
SPEAKER_07All pretty chill so far. Chimpanzees. Motherfucking chimp. I fucking don't like chimps, dude. They rubberies. Chimpanzees.
SPEAKER_06I I agree with you. And uh Bonabos, who are chimp like. They're pretty chimpy. Chimp like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, I think we're all pretty familiar of like the morbid and insane world of chimps and like how they hurt small monkeys for sport.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, dude, chimps are whack.
SPEAKER_06Something about fucking uh animals that uh kill for sport. Like orcas. That's our thing, dude. Get out of here. That's our thing. That's hey, fuck you. This is why we're melting all your glaciers, assholes. Don't don't mess with the big dog. I bet you that's what the whaling captains were doing back in the day after they fucking. Barking at the fucking whales as they harpooned. Harpooned a fucking sperm whale, hauls his carcass onto the beach. Immediately gets choked in blubber.
SPEAKER_08Who's the big fish now?
SPEAKER_10Who's the big fish now? Actually, I'm a mammal like you. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_07Well, now I'm gonna cut your head open and take out the valuable oils.
SPEAKER_06I'm going to take your oils.
SPEAKER_07Gonna burn your oiless for lanterns.
SPEAKER_06Well, let me let me pose this. If you had oils that were valuable and we could harvest them from you like safely, would you be down with that? What are you doing with these oils? That's not your concern. Okay. I'm into it. You will you will profit. You will profit. We will cut you in on the profit. What's the what's the process like for getting milked for my oils? You come into a clinic once a week.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_06And you gotta spend like at least six hours there. You're you're basically in a reverse IV where we are like draining the oil from you.
SPEAKER_07Okay. Do I get like jerked off or anything?
SPEAKER_06Yes.
SPEAKER_07By a machine.
SPEAKER_06By a machine.
SPEAKER_07Okay.
SPEAKER_06By uh a kind of like I I can only describe it as kind of like an AI-powered shake weight.
SPEAKER_07Oh, lovely.
SPEAKER_06Shake weight fleshlight combination. Now you're fucking AI, but AI, so so chat GPT flesh light, shake weight combination.
SPEAKER_07Sam Altman, brother. Have we got an idea for you?
SPEAKER_06Sam Altman, fucking hit me up. Take a minute out from inventing reasons not to be apparent.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, creating Skynet.
SPEAKER_06Come join us and make the first sentient. It turns out the sentient blowjob machine is what launches the singularity.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I mean it's kind of like Terminator 2 and Terminator 3, right?
SPEAKER_06And imagine Terminator 2, but he's trying to suck your dick.
SPEAKER_07The liquid metal terminator is like, I can be anybody. Like, no, I don't I don't want you to be.
SPEAKER_06Oh bro, it's oh, it's so cold. Oh ah, it's like fucking one of those cafeteria fridges.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Come with me if you want to bust. Come on me if you want to live. Like, oh dude, you're wearing leather. How's that gonna come? Do it! Is this not doing it for you? I thought I think it makes me look rather ragged and masculine. That usually does it for the the kind of people I do this to.
SPEAKER_07How how often do you do this? More than you would think.
SPEAKER_03Well, I like you know, not to not to be rude or anything, but I am a robot designed towards this function, so I mean I I'm not saying I enjoy it, I'm just saying that's what I do. It's my job. Like, do you like your job? I was I was created to be a sperminator. I was created to be the sperminator, and now that is all I do. Sperminate!
SPEAKER_06Fuck, we're meant to be talking about gorillas. Yeah, yeah. Um after gorillas and the great apes come the lesser apes, which are the fucking um gibbons. Fuck is a cyan? Uh just you know, like a gibbon. Sure. Uh it's a less ape. Uh and then the rest are monkeys. And there you go.
SPEAKER_07If you had to be like trapped in, let's say, like a haunted house with five of any of them overnight. Like, which would you choose?
SPEAKER_06So I'm dealing with ghosts and monkeys.
SPEAKER_07Yes.
SPEAKER_06Can the monkeys see the ghosts?
SPEAKER_09Yes.
SPEAKER_06That's horrible. That's the worst possible situation I can see. Yeah, it's not good. Because the fucking ghosts are scaring the monkeys. Yeah, the magic monkeys are going going fucking crazy. Because even a little monkey can f can fuck shit up. Like they're not.
SPEAKER_07They're going berserk, dude. There's like some like bitch from the 1800s, like just clanking with chains, coming out howling at them with like a gas lantern.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. They don't know what the fuck to do with that.
SPEAKER_06And I don't know what the but the fuck to do with that. I know even less what to do with what the fuck to do with that and monkeys. Like and yet, being real, I feel like I have a comedic responsibility to like include at least some fun monkeys, you know. For sure a mandrill, right? Probably, yeah. Like the big fucking red-faced ones.
SPEAKER_07Oh, yeah, it would be funny seeing their reactions.
SPEAKER_06Red yellow faces, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I think that would be a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Uh definitely a spider monkey.
SPEAKER_07Spider monkey, sure. So we're going up based off kind of these monkeys' reactions to ghosts.
SPEAKER_06We're kind we're kind of hoping for a good comedic blend here. You know what I'm going for kind of kind of kind of a diverse cast so that we have a lot of personalities playing off of each other.
SPEAKER_07You gotta have a gorilla, just like crash through walls.
SPEAKER_06That's not a monkey. What are we fucking doing here? Are we saying apes and monkeys or just I'll let you bring in apes, but no people. Okay, how about how about one ape and four monkeys?
SPEAKER_07Sure, that works. No people, no people, no people, except for you.
SPEAKER_06Except for me. I'm not doing the chimpanzee because like I feel like the chimp will probably horrify the ghosts. Like, oh my god! Oh my god!
SPEAKER_10Oh my god!
SPEAKER_06Like the chimp starts choking out the ghost. Okay, I'm not doing chimps. I will do an orangutan because that sounds fun. Okay, and I I think they're very magical creatures. Uh Howler Monkey for sure. Man, you are gonna be goat. You gotta you well, I mean, I've I'm already fucked, you know. Like, I'm already like I'm already not coming out.
SPEAKER_07You're not even trying to survive the the ghost.
SPEAKER_06No, no, I want this to be fun. I want the because I'm assuming I'm being filmed. Like I'm gonna be able to do it. It's a foundation. I'm assuming I have I have fallen deep into debt with the Japanese Yakuza. Sure. And they have sold my debt to the Japanese government.
SPEAKER_09Right.
SPEAKER_06Who their nationalized broadcast company has in turn owned that debt and created a game show where I have to be in a haunted house, but like a J-horror haunted house, so I'm like getting Sadako'd and shit. Like uh with five monkeys, one I'm sorry, one ape and four monkeys. So for sure howler monkey, for sure spider monkey, because he can get into some mischief. He's gonna get into some mischief that one. I feel like he's gonna really up the family-friendly factor for that one.
SPEAKER_07I'm thinking the TV show's like title would translate directly as like Sam's Wonder Monkey Palace.
SPEAKER_06I'm th I'm I'm thinking like Mighty Monkey Ghost Challenge. Oh, that's way better, yeah. Yeah, like something like that. Uh and then uh a proboscis monkey, because come on. That's fun.
SPEAKER_07That's fun. That is fun. You know what's not fun is the monkeys in Congo who had like some jacked-up teeth and like a real They were inbred. I guess they were gorillas, weren't they? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06They were apes. They were apes. Uh they were inbred, right. So so what happens is they find the lost city of Zinj, which allegedly contains King Solomon's diamond mines, which he had those, if you didn't know. Uh I guess.
SPEAKER_07Oh, I I did not know that. I thought that was apocryphal.
SPEAKER_06No, I I didn't know. I just I thought they made that up.
SPEAKER_07Of course they fucking did he have apes mining the diamonds?
SPEAKER_06I am going to go out and say there's probably not a lot of evidence out there to suggest that King Solomon had ape diamond cards.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, he had fucking like they had hard hats on and pickaxes and they're whistling going out of the device.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, they were they started out so friendly. This was like such a cute idea, and then it just went horribly wrong way out of hand.
SPEAKER_07Other than like an evil lava cave, they're like throwing body parts at people and smart in century ones. I mean, they do kind of have methmouth, low-key. Not even low-key, mid to high.
SPEAKER_06They look like fucking like Dakota meth. Like, that's a fucking different vein of meth head. Like, you know, Arizona meth, that's rougher than California meth, but like Dakota meth, that's God damn. That's fucking that's that's Yeti meth, man. That's like fucking that's like fucking coming outside of 7-Eleven and there's a fucking abominable snowman like going through the dumpster.
SPEAKER_07Because honestly, yeah, the meth head fucking uh gorillas are like it's they're legit kind of horrifying, and it's an interesting, I think we both noted, it's an interesting tonal shift in the movie where the first half of it is much more of like uh a more traditional like trekking adventure where like yeah, they get attacked by hippos and it's fucking intense, but there's not really a horror element, it's more thrilling and yeah, it has it has Indiana Jones vibes, kind of.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and then you get you got a lot of yeah, and then at and then in the last 45 minutes it becomes gorilla horror. Yes, including laser guns. Yeah, for a brief moment they tote sentry guns with them and they set up camp with sentry guns. Like aliens and then just shredding the like literally fucking Team Fortress 2 sentry guns.
SPEAKER_07And the gorillas outsmart it's like.
SPEAKER_06Oh yeah. Uh Ernie Hudson's character shows. They're testing the perimeter, like, okay, hang on. Uh-huh. Okay, like you can absolutely convince me that the fucking monkey, that the that the I'm sorry, I did it too. Uh the fucking uh the inbred gorillas. You can absolutely convince me they have some sort of feral intellect. Like a velociraptor, where you're like, oh god, they're much smarter than we thought.
SPEAKER_09Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You can absolutely convince me that. You cannot convince me that the fucking apes are fucking familiar with sentry clubs.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, automated sentry turrets.
SPEAKER_06Like the perimeter of automated sentry turrets. What the fuck? Like, you don't see those today. Like, that's not like a modern invention where like the fucking there were no like sentry crossbows that the apes like see these. Oh, oh, like the sentry crossbows.
SPEAKER_07The apes just kind of walk around once, the sentry guns fire once, the apes are like, oh word, it's these things.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, fucking. Hey, get get the sniper rifle. That's how you counter sentries. Do we have a widowmaker in the party? Yeah. Sorry, sorry, overwatch joke. I won't do it again.
SPEAKER_07Um, you're forgiven. But uh, yeah, smart monkeys, uh, at least in that scene. And then afterward, they just kind of go berserk and start chasing around.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, for it briefly becomes Gorilla Vietnam for like for like a good five minutes. It's just like it's played like a firefight, you know, but the girls obviously don't have guns.
SPEAKER_07They don't have guns. They're just kind of running around in circles and the books.
SPEAKER_06It would have been so much better if they did.
SPEAKER_07It would have.
SPEAKER_06And an AK just go home, G.I. Go home, G.I.
SPEAKER_10Fuck you.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god.
SPEAKER_07But yeah, the last half of the movie is very different. Yeah, what happens?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and then and then a volcano explodes. Yes.
SPEAKER_07And they shoot a laser gun through a bunch of gorillas.
SPEAKER_06They get chased into a temple, which being real, the fucking sets on this on this thing, the sets on this bitch, really good. Dude, I love I gotta be real, I love Lost City, Jungle Ruins shit. Like, that is such a cool vibe. Like, I love that.
SPEAKER_07It scratches a certain itch, doesn't it?
SPEAKER_06Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, I've loved that shit since uh the jungle book with fucking like King Louie, you know?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. So like uh I love that shit. They get chased into a temple.
SPEAKER_07Man, imagine the jungle book, but Mowgli just gets to torn apart by like berserk and bread apes.
SPEAKER_06Like three minutes into the first song. It's a real short like I want to be like you. Baloo is like, oh my god, oh no, oh god, and then like the rest of the movie is just like him sitting by the side of the water, just staring into space. It's like Bagira Bagira sitting next to him, just be like, Hey, Baloo, you good? Baloo, we got we gotta go, Baloo.
SPEAKER_04Baloo's just like I think I'll stay. I think I'll stay. Just man.
SPEAKER_06Like, Bagira. Yeah, just just don't bullshit me. I just I gotta know. Do you think they ate him? Baloo, you you fucking know they ate him.
SPEAKER_10There is no way they did not eat him.
SPEAKER_04Oh fuck.
SPEAKER_10He's fucking dead. Oh my god, Baloo. Fuck. We should have never come here, Baloo! This was all such a mistake. This was so this is so fucked up, Baloo.
SPEAKER_04We can never tell anybody else about this. Oh god. What are we gonna tell Shir Khan? Who gives a shit? We gotta get out of here.
SPEAKER_01I just saw Bogly get fucking eaten, man!
SPEAKER_02They fucking ate him!
SPEAKER_10I don't give a shit about Shir Khan.
unknownFuck.
SPEAKER_06The snake was just gonna swallow mole like some kind of car. You were probably gonna see like his outline, you know, in in the snake's stomach.
SPEAKER_07Like, this was so much worse.
SPEAKER_06This was so worse. Oh, this was so bad. So, anyways. Yeah, anyway, after um uh briefly, briefly, this is the whole order of events. Uh Peter, Dylan Walsh's character, he's a professor who wants to take his ape who knows sign language back to the Congo to release her there because she's been drawing the Eye of Sauron. Right, yeah anyways, yeah. Uh fucking Tim Curry thinks the Eye of Sauron is a reference to the King Solomon Diamond Mines. So he believes that this monkey knows the way. This ape, sorry, knows the way to the fucking knows the way to the fucking diamond mines and funds their expedition. Only he can't fund it all the way. So Lauren Linney's character comes in and she's trying, she's uh works for a telecom corporation, and she's trying to find her dead fiance uh who is eaten by gorillas, and then that brings them all to the Congo where Joey Pantalone, Joey Pants, for some reason is a sleazy Brooklyn wheeling and dealing guy in the middle of Central Africa.
SPEAKER_07And he's very good at it. He's only in like two scenes, and he's just very competent.
SPEAKER_06And he's great, and he hooks them up with Ernie Hudson, who leads them into the Congo for what is legitimately a very cool first hour of the movie where they're like fucking going through the mountains, they're trekking, they go down some rapids, and they get attacked by a hippo, and it's fucking scary.
SPEAKER_07Dude, hippos are scary as a motherfucker.
SPEAKER_06Hippos are fucked up.
SPEAKER_07What if they had a couple of those in Gladiator 2?
SPEAKER_06What if Jungle Book had happened in Africa and Mowgli had gotten devoured by hippos? Oh my god. His bad boom mentor was like, oh no. What if that happened to Simbus? Yeah. If he got fucking tossed around like a fucking pool toy.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Even the hyenas are just watching, like, oh, ooh.
SPEAKER_10Oh my god. It's the circle of blood.
SPEAKER_04No, this is oh my god. I'm sorry, I gotta stop this.
SPEAKER_06For some reason, the idea of Disney characters getting traumatized by like getting severe PTSD from animal devourments.
SPEAKER_04Something about that is it's good stuff. Like, what if Beast from Beauty and the Beast is like, oh god, I pushed Gaston to his death.
SPEAKER_06I killed a man, pal.
SPEAKER_07What if he walked in on the utensils and shit fucking like Lumier is getting butt fucked by the clock?
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_06Alright.
SPEAKER_07Like, did I talk about it afterwards?
SPEAKER_06I'm willing to entertain this only if you can explain how that works physically.
SPEAKER_07Um I mean it's a pretty antique clock. And also, you know, he could use the clock hands. Lumier's got those like holes that he uses to hold the candlesticks.
SPEAKER_06I really fucking hate that I'm thinking about this. Like actually the whole the holes to use the candle. That probably feels good. Probably feels fucking good to put a candle in there. Like that's what it's made for. That's what it's made for.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, beast like opens the pantry doors. Oh, oh, oh.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. I imagine he would just be cool about it, but like at one point he has to like call a house meeting because it's it's getting out of hand.
SPEAKER_07The tension is just too high.
SPEAKER_06Well, he's just like, okay, look. I understand we're all cursed for eternity. We gotta find ways to entertain ourselves. We gotta find ways. I get it.
SPEAKER_07There are levels to these things, guys. Like Mario Kart.
SPEAKER_06There's gotta be levels, there's gotta be levels, and there's gotta be boundaries. Some rooms, you just can't do that. The kitchen? Can we agree? Not in the kitchen.
SPEAKER_10They're all like, aww.
SPEAKER_06Oh, like, but we eat there. Like, that's what makes it so nasty. Fucking cherry or back. That's what makes it so great. I don't expect you to understand.
SPEAKER_05We this is not a curse, this is a blessing. We are free from the limitations of flesh.
SPEAKER_06Jesus Christ. See, this is why we've gotta stop that. Loubiere, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_04Don't say that shit. This is what I go when I don't get my good butt fucking.
SPEAKER_00It is a physical necessity. I'm so upset with this episode.
SPEAKER_06I'm so upset with where it's gone and what it is.
SPEAKER_07I mean, you know who else was upset with uh where things went, and I mean that as both a joke and a reference to the movie.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, fucking Congo ended pretty bad. Like after that very fun trek. After that very fun trek, yeah, they get they get gorillaed, they get congoed, they get congoed fucking hard, they get fucking congoed hard. Only three people make it out, and Ernie Hudson is one of them, and he fucking rules. I want to say this. This is all you need to know about Ernie Hudson's characters. He shares his J with a gorilla.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, he does. He's like a cooler Muldoon. Yeah, Muldoon was already fucking cool.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, Muldoon ruled.
SPEAKER_07Like they even use the same gun, it's just Ernie Hudson got to use it. The Spaz 12 shotgun.
SPEAKER_06Really?
SPEAKER_07Yeah. That's just how something my brain noticed. Oh, it was just that's cool. I've seen that scene with uh I think it's a Spaz 12 shotgun. You'll see it from a bunch of video games, but I've seen that scene with Muldoon, the clever girl scene enough times where he like unfolds the stock real quick. Slow and like getting ready to shoot. It's like, oh, I recognize that Ernie Hudson had the same gun.
SPEAKER_06Muldoon kind of went out like a bitch, if we're being real.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, at least he got a one-liner in.
SPEAKER_06But he knew he was going to. Like he made it very clear from the start, like, look, if I ever have to hunt these things, they're gonna fucking kill me.
SPEAKER_07I'm so boned, guys. You don't have to.
SPEAKER_06Thank god I don't have to fight a fucking gorilla. Wait, they've joined forces.
SPEAKER_07The gorillas are riding the velociraptors.
SPEAKER_06The gorillas are riding the velociraptors.
SPEAKER_07What are we gonna do? Why would they ever create a theme park like this?
SPEAKER_06Why didn't we make a theme park like this?
SPEAKER_07Why is it a petting zoo? This is the absolute carnage.
SPEAKER_06At the very least, can we agree it was a mistake to put it in a Home Depot? They can use tools, they've all got hammers and chainsaws and lumber.
SPEAKER_07They're building something, and I don't know what it is, and that scares me.
SPEAKER_06They're building armor for the dinosaurs.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, they have the dinosaurs pulling a siege tower.
SPEAKER_10This is getting fucked up. Jesus Christ, why why did we play God?
SPEAKER_04We should have never made a combination killer ape and dinosaur theme park Home Depot.
SPEAKER_08But the tax breaks were immense.
SPEAKER_06But the tax breaks were incredible. Wisconsin needs all the infrastructure again.
SPEAKER_10It's in fucking Wisconsin. Aren't they lizards?
SPEAKER_04It's in fucking Kenosha, Wisconsin.
SPEAKER_06Like all the dinosaurs just die in the fall. It's a war of the world situation. That's how they're finally saved. But then it gets worse. Oh because the prehistoric mammals come out still ridden by apes.
SPEAKER_09Sure.
SPEAKER_06And now you got like fucking eight you got like chimpanzees riding the shoulders of gigantopithecus.
SPEAKER_07What the fuck is a gigantopithecus?
SPEAKER_06Bigfoot, like just basically a very large prehistoric ape. They uh you might say that the Jesus ape.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_06Go on. Was a gigantopithechrist. Fucking got him. Got him. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_07At no point has anyone mentioned a Jesus ape, but it's a callback to uh our uh fans might remember the point break episode where we discussed.
SPEAKER_06I I can't I will not be able to take it if we revisit crucifying a gorilla. We have to we have to try to move so like it sounds like I I I will completely own that like we we have been making a lot of goofy jokes instead of talking about the movie. And weirdly, like it's to its credit and its shame that there's not a lot we can talk about with this movie because it is extremely well done.
SPEAKER_07Very straightforward.
SPEAKER_06The sets are great, the effects great, the plots, the motivations, uh the dialogue, snappy, snappy, snappy. Yep, it's fucking good. It crams a lot, it's a very good horror. Like the biggest critique you can level against it is that it kind of abruptly cuts from like fun, if dangerous, adventure to just gorilla horror horror. And like it does that quite abruptly. And but you know, even the the even the gorilla horror is pretty good. Yeah. Up until the point where the fucking volcano explodes and all the gorillas just commit suicide.
SPEAKER_07I rewatched that scene a couple times.
SPEAKER_06I was like, there's no way, no way they're just kamikazeing themselves into a like I don't I don't I don't know what I think the implication is that these apes who guarded the mines like went so insane that once they saw the mine destroyed, they're like, well, there's no purpose to live anymore.
SPEAKER_07No. How about the laser gun?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and at one point they use a laser to buy and like the whole movie begins with them finding a diamond that can focus a laser to a powerful enough beam to like start files. But see, that's the thing, is like is like is like uh the the CEO who is played by Joe Don Baker, uh and played very well by Joe Don Baker in what is possibly one of the most Joe Don Baker roles I've ever seen. Fuck you, I want my money. I want my money, I want my diamond.
SPEAKER_07He's like an evil monopoly man.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, he there's a point where he he caves in a TV with a golf club and it's wonderful. Yeah but uh they find he says, like, oh, this laser is gonna revolutionize the communications world, but we only see it light fires and bisect apes.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. So it's like I mean, that is a method of communication.
SPEAKER_06I mean, like I said, like I guess he says, like, we're gonna dominate the communications world with this laser. I'm like, you can pretty much dominate anything with that fucking laser, man.
SPEAKER_07Just go in and like laser the board of ATT.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, just fucking laser whoever you want, man. Like, go fucking that thing bisects apes. You're no one's gonna fuck with you.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, and that was like the the portable version. He's got like a golden eye satellite that he can plug that shit into.
SPEAKER_06He comes out Make my citizens of the US, you must surrender total control to me. Never send out our ape army, you you fools.
SPEAKER_04He bisected our apes!
SPEAKER_07He bisected our apes.
SPEAKER_04No, no, our elite ape corps.
SPEAKER_07The ape corps, bro. Honestly, that would go kind of hard if you had like an ape paratrooping core.
SPEAKER_06The only chance of an army would be an army that isn't based on apes. Oh, we know that doesn't exist.
SPEAKER_07We'll put all of our defense budget into it.
SPEAKER_04All the world's militaries are based on apes. We were fools. We never asked ourselves what if someone builds an ape bisecting to laser weapon?
SPEAKER_07And uh I did want to get uh one more criticism in there, it's uh so I didn't forget. Um Amy, the the talking smart monkey, which ultimately didn't end up doing very much.
SPEAKER_06No, no, she she was she was um uh she was a briefcase, you know?
SPEAKER_07Yeah, real uncanny valley energy with that one. Like I couldn't tell. Like, is it was it an animatronic?
SPEAKER_06Was it a fucking I believe it was an actor in a suit with an animatronic mask. I didn't like it. I did not like it either. It's very uncanny. And in fact, there's a couple well, actually, there's several significant actors in fucking ape costumes.
SPEAKER_07Oh, no shit.
SPEAKER_06So well, yeah, I mean that's that's what the gray gorillas were. They were all actors.
SPEAKER_07Oh, I thought you meant like significant actors like uh like I don't know, the one's getting one of them and like uh fucking Christian Bale as Benedict Cumberbatch is the third.
SPEAKER_06Benedict Cumberbatch is the third grade.
SPEAKER_07Like really well-respected actors, just uh yeah, and all they did was just sit there and kind of shriek. And they beat the one guy to death.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, gives the performance of his lifetime when he fucking head smashes Tim Curry.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_10Who could have known that this would launch his career?
SPEAKER_09Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Early Christian Bale.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I was exactly thinking Christian Bale method acting.
SPEAKER_07Well, you know how he goes through those big body transformations.
SPEAKER_06He just like got a mouth and he's actually not wearing a fucking costume.
SPEAKER_07No, that's just him, dude.
SPEAKER_06That's all him. Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_07Inbred Gorilla Max and Christian Bale.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I th I thought the effects were decent. Like, like I thought they did the best they could because the Amy that really was distracting to me.
SPEAKER_07Right, um which was a smart move.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. There were a lot of animatronics in uh Jurassic Park.
SPEAKER_07I was gonna say, I compare this unfavorably to Jurassic Park.
SPEAKER_06Well, I mean, I think for one, Jurassic Park blended its themes together very well. There was no abruptness. Oh, sure.
SPEAKER_07But you mean about the animatronics like specifically, they were so much more effective at Jurassic Park.
SPEAKER_06You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna cut Congo some slack here.
SPEAKER_07Okay.
SPEAKER_06Uh animatronics have kind of a little stiffness to them.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And we associate that with reptiles and saurians and avians, you know, so like no one questions it if if the reptiles movements look a little not fluid, because that's what reptiles look like when in our in our real world. But you know, monkeys are like us, so we expect them to move like we do, and that's a little harder. Yeah, that's a little harder to do when you're in a costume. And like because I mean you'll notice like all the apes had legs that were too long to be apes. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, you know, this is this is fucking still a part of of uh cinematic tradition, you know, like the fucking uh the people who did costume acting are no less a part of American cinema than the people who do regular acting. Well played. So I I I can still I can still appreciate it. But yeah, Jurassic Park definitely had some but let's be honest, I think the budget for Jurassic Park was probably a little bigger too.
SPEAKER_07This was also a big budget, but like fucking This one is a pretty big financial success, too, which is uh surprisingly. I would have expected it to be a moderate success, but made like 150 million on a 50 million budget, I think.
SPEAKER_06That was pretty good, man. It's very good. Like by any metric, that's I'd say it earned it.
SPEAKER_07It's just like a little more niche than Jurassic Park, I think.
SPEAKER_06I would agree with you. I would agree with you. Like uh, and you know, like Jurassic Park pretty much just had what, like a handful of plot lines.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You had uh the corporate sabotage with Dennis Nedry, yeah.
SPEAKER_07You had the kids on their vacation, yeah.
SPEAKER_06You had the kids, yeah, you had uh Dr. Grant struggling with being a dad with with feelings of fatherhood.
SPEAKER_07You had Samuel L. Jackson doing the security.
SPEAKER_06Well, he was part of the corporate espionage part, you know. Oh, you're right.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, so it's really just the three.
SPEAKER_06And then and yeah, and then the rest of the plot was just like we should not have created dinosaurs, and here's why.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And like, so pretty easy to understand. But this one, but Congo, it's like, oh, I have a talking gorilla, and it's not quite clear why I that he actually points out, like, actually, I don't really have a coherent motivation for for learning how to teach a gorilla.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, it's like, why did Prometheus give man fire? And like, dude, what come on?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. Well, is it like why teach a gorilla talk? Like, why did Prometheus give man fire? Like, that is such an awesome bullshit answer, though.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I think you noted you were gonna try to use that more in the future.
SPEAKER_06Oh, absolutely, absolutely. But um, yeah, it's just uh it's it, and then there's like the local because there's like an African nation uh civil war subplot.
SPEAKER_07There's planes randomly getting shot down. Sometimes there's Joey Play spot important ways, and sometimes not.
SPEAKER_06There's Joey Pantalone being there for some reason. There's the Tim Curry subplot, there's the lost mind, there's the laser.
SPEAKER_07I want to go back and I want to be in Africa, and I don't want to remember nothing.
SPEAKER_06I don't want to remember nothing. I want to stay at the airport, I want to drive around a golf cart. That's it. I didn't I did write down that I wanted to drive a golf cart too. I fucking yeah, I think golf cart. I think it's because I grew up next to a golf course and like golf cart always look fun, dude. They always look like low-stakes uh vehicles. Like, you know, a car a car is good, yeah, exactly. Like like it it it specifically feels like an adult go-kart. They come nice now. They come nice now, they come with like multiple seats and sound systems.
SPEAKER_07Get some underglow, get a fucking aquarium in the back.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I I know that's not practical. Can I divert just a can I pivot just a little?
SPEAKER_07Oh, go ahead and pivot, yeah.
SPEAKER_06I don't want to be an aquarium guy, but I wish I had an aquarium friend.
SPEAKER_07Like Weebay from Water.
SPEAKER_06But like, because it invites you in if you feel like it's a good one. Yeah, yeah, because like I don't I don't think I want to take care of some fish. Right. Like, but I would love if I had a friend who just really loves taking care of fish. And like and like we just go to his house and we fucking smoke a J and watch the fish.
SPEAKER_07I would totally agree with that octopus, like, except like they're like, I don't know, the tentacles kind of fuck with me.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you don't like snakes, so I right an octopus is just eight eight snakes taped together. That's what octopus means in Greek.
SPEAKER_07Oh, they're clever though. Oh, really? Fuck that, dude. No, no.
SPEAKER_06That's not what it means.
SPEAKER_07I was thinking like puss is snake, like what?
SPEAKER_06No, puss is taped together. Uh no, no, um, they are they are ridiculously clever, like possibly more absolutely more intelligent than gorillas. Uh maybe, maybe. Um, don't quote, don't quote me on that person. I don't I don't want to I don't want to bring politics into this. Um see I would go for just I'd I'd want like an e one of them ecosystem tanks where like maybe the water is like a little a little silty, you know, or like there's a lot, yeah. There's I want a hippopotamus. I want a Pablo Escobar, this bitch. I want to fuck with the ecosystem for I want to introduce hippos to every ecosystem.
SPEAKER_07Hippos in the Potomac? That would be fucking nuts. That would fucking rule.
SPEAKER_06What about some kind of shown in anime where like hippos are attacked?
SPEAKER_07Suddenly introduced from all the roads dimensions. Yeah, dude. The mechanized capy barra cord.
SPEAKER_06Mechanized capy barra cord, the MCC.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, and there's like portals to the hippo dimension opening and various like uh water worldwide.
SPEAKER_06Mechanized mechanic mechanized, so it's like, you know, man's progress versus the inherent satanic nature of hippo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like like you gotta exercise the hippo after it's slain, or or its body will just reanimate.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, the cover of like volume one is just like a silhouette of a crucified gorilla.
SPEAKER_06You got all these like fucked up anime hippos, like like fucking like ten feet tall and emaciated, and it's got like fucking forearms like hell, but it's just a fucking hippo face. Yeah, there's like a big hippo face opens, and there's like there's like some very like feminine man inside there. He wields a sword. Oh yeah. Uh fucking Oda Ichiro, if you're out there.
SPEAKER_07We got a project for you.
SPEAKER_06We got a project for you.
SPEAKER_07Oh, I had uh questions for you. Uh this this film. Uh, I think we both know it'd be like the Indiana Jones style adventuring. And like if you were in a collapsing temple scenario, I guess if we were in a collapsing temple scenario, like, do you think we would make it out?
SPEAKER_06With the idol. Oh, with the idol?
SPEAKER_09With the idol or without.
SPEAKER_06I think we stand a decent chance of making it without, but like you know, the the idol is why we're there. Like, it's clearly the source of our suffering.
SPEAKER_07Which of us would be undone by greed first? Oh, me, for sure. You think so? That's nice of you. Because I feel like I would get undone by hubris and greed pretty quickly.
SPEAKER_06See, like, I I'll I'll I absolutely would want that because I'd I'd fucking sell it. Yeah, it's got emeralds in it. I'd I'd knife you in the back. Damn. And then I'd I'd sell it. Okay. With the with the money, I'd get pictures of you drawn as a Sonic the Hedgehog OC. Thanks, I guess.
SPEAKER_07Unless my sacrifice is worth something.
SPEAKER_06Overwhelmed with guilt. I'd write your story, but it would be a really horrifying webcomic in which you're a hedgehog OC. Oh god. But you gotta, but you're dealing with like very serious themes.
SPEAKER_07And the total dissonance is just so horrible. Crazy, yeah. It's later used as evidence at your trial for like murdering me in the temple. It's just my way of coming to terms with it. Yeah. Okay, well, that's good to know. So I'll go see the case. So like I'll be real.
SPEAKER_06Like, like if I see a temple, I'm probably gonna be like, that's that like there are some castles in Europe.
SPEAKER_09You don't want to poke around a little bit.
SPEAKER_06I gotta imagine, like, because you know, the earth's not young.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, you don't want to just go in there and see what's good.
SPEAKER_06Well, for also, you're probably gonna get like I see, I would worry that I was gonna get like some kind of bacteria, like ultra-rare parasite that fucking makes like like Plagos from fucking uh Resident Evil 4 or something.
SPEAKER_07Spider monster in your head.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd worried that I'd be it'd be that kind of temple. That's that that said, if there's a minecart chase, I'm in. I'm in the case. There's definitely a minecart chase. I don't give a shit if it's like in Alcatraz. The rock, dude. Why was there a minecart in the rock in Alcatraz?
SPEAKER_07Well, I just wanted to keep it whimsical for a while.
SPEAKER_06The bioweapon plot got very sheerish. We wanted to want to just lighten the mood a little.
SPEAKER_07I mean, think about other movies that could use a minecart chase to lighten the tone, like Schindler's List.
SPEAKER_09Requiem for a dream. Leaving Las Vegas.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god. What what else do you want to say about this movie?
SPEAKER_07Um, I also wanted to just give a general shout out to the the Michael Crichton movie slash book.
SPEAKER_06Um yeah, fucking fucking uh I mean at no point are we saying that this movie sucked. Like this movie was good, the motherfucker can write.
SPEAKER_07Like I don't know if Michael Crichton books before, it's hard to go wrong with pretty much.
SPEAKER_06You gotta, you gotta I'm I'm calling it now, do the Crichton challenge. Read every Michael Crichton book.
SPEAKER_07Dang it.
SPEAKER_06In chronological order.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, start off with like Terminal Man or whatever his first one was. Something start off with with with the all the ones I've read are good.
SPEAKER_06Wait, wait, wait, hang on. I want to p I'm I want to pitch a Michael Crichton.
SPEAKER_07Alright, hit me with it.
SPEAKER_06Uh it's called Alright, wait, wait, wait, no. I want you to name. Okay. Uh give me shoot out a title that sounds like a Michael Crichton book, and I will pitch I will cut pitch a plot to you.
SPEAKER_09Um Silverfish.
SPEAKER_06Okay, Silverfish. Um starts with a secret agent.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_09Works for the government. Uh and he has to go undercover as an exterminator. I'm listening. Uh because there's a government, an evil government, and they're inventing a machine to control insects.
SPEAKER_06Oh. Uh to crash the US economy. Like they're gonna teach the insects how to stock trade.
SPEAKER_07That's actually fucking incredible, dude.
SPEAKER_06I would I would fucking traders he's he's gotta get a secretary so that the business looks legit. Sure. And he hires a frazzled single mom.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_06Thinking that she's gonna be too distracted by her busy life to probe too deeply into what he's doing. Ooh. But she's super perceptive. This kind of slaps, dude. Alright. And it's not helped because part of her condition is that he gives her son an apprenticeship. Oh. And he's like, that's cool. I'm a secret agent. I can absolutely like deceive a child. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_07It's not it's not like a secret agent apprenticeship.
SPEAKER_06No, no, no. He's like an exterminator, but the kid is adept, and the kid like understands the insect control technology. So now the exterminator's like, mmm, fuck.
SPEAKER_07Dude, you're nailing all the Krichton like landmarks here. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06But he's he's he's nervous because he's lost family before. Uh to scorpions, and so he hates so he hate he hates bugs. But then his secretary points out actually, scorpions are arachnids. What bugs are bugs are innocent, and he's like, Oh my god.
SPEAKER_07That's crazy, dude.
SPEAKER_06And so freed from his hate, he zeros in on the enemy. And the the end scene is just terrible. It's just it's him spraying pesticide in the bad guys' face, and they just have terrible reactions and Die choking and puke and puking and it's horrible.
SPEAKER_07And it's a good thing. He doesn't use like raid with like a lighter in front of it to do like an instant. No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_06And in fact, and in fact, like these are government heads, these aren't like secret agents or anything.
SPEAKER_07They're so they're like not really a challenge.
SPEAKER_06Kind of sickly old guys, and they're just getting like sprayed in the face with one of those pump sprayers.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god, that's amazing. It's just fucking disgusting, and they're all puking, and it it's horrible. Um Denza Washington is the exterminator.
SPEAKER_09Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_06Uh Jamie Lee Curtis is the secretary.
SPEAKER_09Nice.
SPEAKER_06Macaulay Colkin, because this takes place in the 90s. Macaulay Colkin is the kid.
SPEAKER_07I think Ron Pearlman is one of the bad guys, like heading.
SPEAKER_06Ron Perlman is the bad guy, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. And and then there's like a cute like Danny DeVito's in the mix somewhere.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, Danny DeVito is like a CEO of something.
SPEAKER_07Yes.
SPEAKER_06Yes. I don't know. I don't know. All right. That's that's as far as I can go. You we we gotta wrap this up. We are going crazy here.
SPEAKER_07Oh yeah, that was my uh my last uh real thing there. Besides just shout out to the overall effectiveness of the Michael Crichton like plot. And I don't I don't mean to come across as like being insulting or saying it's derivative or unoriginal, because it's good. He nailed a formula and then he executed on twists on that formula.
SPEAKER_06It is the joy of watching an espresso machine make a perfectly good cup of espresso.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, I was thinking, and like this is like more general, it's gonna make me sound pretty stupid, but like Michael Crichton was one of the first authors who made like science-based stories like interesting to somebody like me who was just like uh who like I always liked the humanities more. Like in the world, a proud tradition, yeah.
SPEAKER_06A proud tradition carried on by Andy Weird.
SPEAKER_07I was about to say, yeah, Andy Weird. Like Michael Crichton did like Andy Weir, but like more fucked up.
SPEAKER_06Michael Crichton. There's a baby that gets fucking.
SPEAKER_07There's a baby that gets fucking eaten in Jurassic Park in the book. It's eaten by those little chicken dinosaurs. Andy Weir is not popping that shit in there.
SPEAKER_06Andy Weir does not have the courage to write a book.
SPEAKER_07I think it's just not his style. I'm sure he could, but man, imagine like Matt Damon just like setting up like a potato farm or whatever, and then just tossing a baby to a fucking velociraptor.
SPEAKER_10Yeah.
SPEAKER_06There you go.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Tonal dissonance, baby. But no, yeah, uh Michael Crichton and Andy Weird, they're similar to me in the sense that they make science like approachable and fun.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Some people might not have that issue where they like science is already approachable and fun for them, and all power to you, but I think that that is like a very important thing to note about those authors and something to really give me. I agree with you.
SPEAKER_06I agree with you, and I echo that. Shout out to Michael Crichton. Dinosaurs or apes, baby, you've got it.
SPEAKER_07If you were gonna, last question, if you were gonna design a like a doomed theme park, like powered by hubris and personal weapons.
SPEAKER_06Can I can I do magic or does it have to be science-based?
SPEAKER_07Uh if you do magic, I'm gonna make you do science-based as well, but um you you have an idea of magic, and I want to hear it.
SPEAKER_06No, I'm just I'm just thinking like how can I do parks. Like maybe like a sightseeing hell tour, like like think of like event horizon, but like as a planned tour. Oh, that's so like you you board a vessel that like that like goes briefly into hell so you can like see all of it, and then the hallways are made of flesh. Yeah, like you you're just in some kind of vessel that is somehow impervious to hall to hell. Yeah. And so you just you just pay an ex obscene amount of money and you climb in the vessel, and it takes you through one layer, and what it lasts like five minutes, and then you go out, and then you exit, and you're back in the real world. But what happens when it breaks down? And there you go. And that's the plot. That's pretty good. And like rich people do it so that they can see poor people suffering. Well, I mean, that is usually the no that's that's too that's too easy. Rich people take it so that they can see who's being tortured for what and plan somehow to like not do that so they're the so that they can get into heaven.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_06But it's been pr it's been pro in this movie, it's been proven that hell exists, but it's not proven that heaven exists.
SPEAKER_07Okay, that's fascinating. Damn, that would be like pretty whack though. Like that would fuck with our society a great deal. If like hell yeah, yeah, exists but heaven didn't. Yeah, that sounds like people would go berserk, doesn't it? No, it sounds like a night people would go berserk. If everyone thought they would just immediately go to hell when they die, there's no consequences for anything. Yeah, you mean you guys verge every day. Go outside my neighbor detective.
SPEAKER_06My neighbor starts fucking like spraying me with the garden hose. Like, stop that! Like, nah, you're going to hell anyways. I might as well get this in.
unknownSorry.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Uh fucking what would your doomed theme park be?
SPEAKER_07Oh fuck. Um, it would be a theme park where I made dolphins like hyper intelligent, but then they all turned out to be That's already dolphins. Yeah, but like hyper intelligent ones.
SPEAKER_06Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_07Jesus Christ. Like minus the chair.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's a great place to end. That's a great I'm gonna have to beep that one. Yeah, that's a great that's a great fucking place to end. What should we watch next week? I feel like I uh uh I have a suggestion. What is your suggestion?
SPEAKER_07Reign of fire starring butler. I'm so excited for you to see Reign of Fire. And Matthew McConaughey, let us not forget.
SPEAKER_06Oh my goodness, our second McConaughey. All right, do you wanna do you wanna see us out with some housekeeping?
SPEAKER_07I'd love to. Uh Slop Culture is a podcast hosted by Sam Sykes, that's him, and Will Palmer, that's me. Please give us a five-star review on whatever platform you heard us on. That's five stars out of five, ideally. Thanks in advance. Our cover art is by Andrew Sides, and our intro music is by Joe Roy. Uh, you can get in touch with the podcast at Slopculturepodcast at gmail.com. And you can find me on social media at Palmskis or Will underscore Palmskis pretty much everywhere.
SPEAKER_06You find me at Sam Psych Swears pretty much everywhere. Uh this has been Slop Culture, the happy hour podcast, where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity. Join us for the next Join us for the next talk about reign of fire. This has been Slop Culture. And until we see you again, stay sloppy.