NIAMH (WEST GIRL) | THE HUMAN MASK PODCAST

Some people don’t just write music. They survive through it.

This week on The Human Mask, I sat down with Niamh, known professionally as West Girl, for one of the most honest and emotionally raw conversations we’ve had.

Niamh has faced more than many people experience in a lifetime. From battling addiction to navigating some of life’s darkest moments, her story is one of pain, resilience, and hope. Yet despite everything, she’s held onto something incredibly rare: a childlike spirit, a unique outlook on life, and a determination to keep creating.

Today, she’s channelling her experiences into music, using it as a way to process the past, express who she is, and connect with others. Having recently signed to a record label, an exciting new chapter is beginning.

This isn’t just a conversation about music. It’s about identity, survival, self-expression, and what can happen when someone refuses to let their past define their future.

If you’ve ever wondered how people find light after darkness, this is an episode you won’t want to miss.

Subscribe to The Human Mask for more conversations exploring self-awareness, human behaviour, and the stories that shape who we become.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is Alex from the Homer Mass podcast. He's becoming capable. So I'll be taking over from here. My name's Neam, aka West Girl. Um, welcome to the West Podcast. You're not joking.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

What Neve said. West Girl singer, songwriter, producer. I'm really happy to have her here. Thank you, Neve, for coming.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Yes, thank you for having me so much. I feel very like exciting, bizarre, crazy, cool to be here.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

That is amazing. That was amazing. Now we know from we have not had a pre-podcast, we managed not to do it.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

We tried not, well, we we had to really force ourselves, not to. There was a lot of multiple.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

And I've got to not interrupt you and get excited with you. I don't mind. So there's only one pre-planned question I have on this podcast, okay?

unknown 0:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

There's only one.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

I feel like I'm on a game show. There's the buzzer.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

You win. And it is. Look how cool that is. Look, no one's ever done that. No one's ever done that. No one's grabbed.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Everyone's just fucking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

That was the coolest looking coolest looking guest you've won. You've won? You've won. You've won coolest guests.

SPEAKER_04 1:09

That was the buzzer. That was the secret. That was the secret. That was the secret.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Most coolest guest goes to West Guest.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Oh, well, it's not going to be cool when I fucking break the microphone, is it? Anyway, go ahead and go.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

My first question is you tell me about the turn of my voice, it's going to be slight I want a slightly different answer. Yes. But it's okay if it messes with your head.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Okay. Well, where is this going? Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:35

Who are you?

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Fuck. Um, well, I am I am Nave. I would say I am well, everyone is a collection of experiences, memories that are reflected through a hologram of my soul. What an answer. And memory. She's won again. She's won twice. Oh, if only I was sat like that.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

You didn't doing it like that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

No, but that was that was pretty cheesy, wasn't it? I don't really know what they did. Yeah, I did. You don't know if it made sense to anyone else, but it did, yeah. But if it does, didn't it make sense? It felt quite clever.

SPEAKER_03 2:19

It did to me. It depends what level someone's at when they watch it.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yeah, well, if you know you know.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

If you know you know that's coming out with song lyrics all the way through the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

You did before. What was your like if you go where you go, then you go.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Okay, right. So that was a great answer.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Do people usually answer that for much longer?

SPEAKER_03 2:36

No, it's all all everyone's different. Okay. And that is the whole point of humans, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

That it yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

It's everyone's different.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

What is the purpose of life?

SPEAKER_03 2:43

That well, that's a later on. Oh gosh, yeah, that's a that's a later on question. Because some people do follow enough answer it, and they'll say either their personality or their purpose, or but that was a more spatial spacey answer.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

My purpose is part of like my purpose comes from my my experiences, and I definitely do feel I have a purpose that I get into, but what's purpose?

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Let's go now. Let's go straight in. Well we'll start purpose, then we'll go back.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Okay, yeah, cool. Well, I just believe that I really like being able to. This is the it feels so fancy, just like do it, right? Yeah. It's the little it's the little manoeuvres that make it.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

It's gonna be hours worth of us faffing and half an hour podcast at the end.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

No, no, we're doing what.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

So, well, I just feel that the experiences that I've been through, like, there's I can't you can ch you can choose what you do with the cards that you're dealt. And a lot of people, you know, and I you can't you you've got to have empathy and sympathy for people, not too much because that's how you get hurt, but like some people they will ret continue a cycle of pain, what's been done to them, they internalise it and then do it to someone else, especially if they're not kind of they don't love themselves, which I didn't for a long time. I still didn't um call a bad person. I do now much more than I used to, but I never became a bad person. But because I still internalized it, I became more and more vulnerable. A lot of bad things happened to me. But now, all this crap that I've been through, the only way that I can turn that into light is by knowing that like like I can help other people like understand that I can speak out in a certain way, I can use a voice that like I can so I'm lucky to be alive right now. Really? Never mind how I've died before. Have you? On my 21st birthday, yeah. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

Just one thing because I want to say them rings on the table. They are that's right.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Because it's not actually a ring, it's just a bit of copper that I wrapped around myself, so it doesn't really need to be there.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

I'm just thinking. So I'm like, I'm really just what she's saying, but what's that bagging noise? Sorry, sorry. No, no, no. I didn't know right. Can I just make something clear to the camera, right? Neve, I saw Neeve and I thought, what a vibe. How authentic and vibey is this? I've got to speak to her, I've just got to speak to her. But I didn't know any of her background. And then we've had a few boys not back from two, and her background, whether she goes into it or not, it's up to her. It's not about that, because I didn't get here for that. But is um is is long and and deep and all them sort of things. So um I just saw this really snapshot. I saw a snapshot of Neve now, haven't I?

SPEAKER_05 5:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

Which is what you're portraying now, and I thought, what a vibe she's got. And it was that video you were doing when it I can't want the lyrics now. So I'm like, oh the police come put my hands up and let that one.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:25

I saw that little video a couple of minutes. I thought, oh that what a vibe that is.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Was it that one I saw?

SPEAKER_03 5:30

That's the one that I saw. Oh no, I've that maybe they look at you a bit more, so you just popped on my feed and then I messaged you.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

No, no, see, that's synchronicities. Synchronicity is quantum entanglement, all of that. Do you know about quantum entanglement?

SPEAKER_03 5:41

I don't, I know about quantum entanglement. You do? Do you or do they know about quantum entanglement?

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Can you say quantum entanglement? Have you watched Toys Explorer? You know when they do that film?

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Imagine they do the deep version of it.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Have you seen that funny one where it's like a there's like it's like a Toyota Explorer, but she's like fucking 25 is an alcoholic? Oh, that's well funny. You need to watch that send it y'all. Anyway.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Step back from quantum entanglement. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:07

Right, and go to and go to So you you're 25 now. So at 21, you're just dead.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:15

You died.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Oh yeah. Fell down the cliff.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

Oh yeah, that small thing. Hang on a sec.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Fell down the cliff, but the cliff saved me. The cliff saved me, yeah. And this is a perfect. See, this is full circle because this perfect example of quantum entanglement and synchronicities, me dying, how it happened. Listen to this, right? I was 21 years old. Do you know what St Paul's Carnival is in Bristol?

SPEAKER_03 6:37

Where, sorry?

SPEAKER_00 6:38

In Bristol, St. Paul's Carnival. It's like an every yearly kind of like it, it's like a Caribbean festival mostly. And it but there's like huge sound systems everywhere, free party vibes. It's Bristol, so you know, it goes a bit crazy. Happened to be exactly on my birthday, so I'm like sick. The daytime went well, I didn't say it went great, it went it went out any other party day did for me or any day, I just got way too fucked off my head and lost everyone. But it was fun for a while. Anyway, fun is I refound everyone and we were meant to be going to like um like a after party f in Legal A free party later on, and because I'd gotten too fucked, we kind of got a bit delayed, and the people I was with was long, whatever. We lost we missed the convoy, so we only had do you know how free parties work? Like you have the location, whatever.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

I've heard of them, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Yeah, so my parents used to put them on.

SPEAKER_03 7:22

No way.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

That's how they met. No way. Um but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:25

Whereabouts? All over all.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

All um all well, yeah, all over a bit, mostly around Buxton and like Darbishways. These do a bit of spiral tribe and stuff. Um, but basically, um, we're on our way three party, we just couldn't find it. We had the coordinates, it was in the forest of Dean, which is massive, and we had the coordinates, and it got to the point we could hear the fucking rig, we could hear the speakers, but we just couldn't find it. And it was getting daylight. I've got a picture like just a few hours before I died in like lovely sunset. We was like, anyway, uh me and my friend Elfie were like, look, please just give us because they my my mates who drove were like, Look, we're going, we give up, we're not looking anymore, we're going home, we're going back to Buxton, we're not dropping you off in Bristol either. You can come back to Buxton with us, which I was annoyed about because I didn't want to be in anyway. We're like, please just give us one more chance, we will go into the woods. We hear it! We fing here to speakers. I swear down. So we're like, let us go into the woods and find it. So we do. Little do I know, they fuck off to Mackeys while we we're doing that. So the car's gone. Me and Elfie go separate ways. Is this a boring story?

SPEAKER_02 8:25

No.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 8:26

I don't think you could come across boring. Have a go, go and pretend, go on, try and try and do boring.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

Oh, Marin came out.

SPEAKER_02 8:33

Try and do boring about that, but you couldn't even do it.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

Oh, how how what is boring? What how would how do you separate it?

SPEAKER_03 8:40

I think you could be talking about this table and be like, no way. That is true.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

I'm just an enthusiastic person.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

No, no, yeah, not boring kind of.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Um yeah, so basically. I I think um and yeah, so anyway, we were walking through the woods, she kind of went her own way. And I basically I didn't oh see, this is about to get really deep for any but I'm just gonna not go.

SPEAKER_03 9:00

Where's it gonna go?

SPEAKER_00 9:01

Basically, I didn't know I had seizures at the time. Because PSA, you can have seizures that aren't epileptic.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

What's PSA?

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Um, public service announcement. I know. And um, you can have seizures that aren't epileptic. So you can also like they can come in a lot of different forms and you can be conscious drawing them. The first time I'd ever had one was a couple years earlier, and my bloody ex decided to our word be drawing it. So I decided not to go to the doctor or anything. So I didn't know I had like what I didn't know that was a thing either. So I was like, how did how was I conscious? So I ignored the seizures.

SPEAKER_03 9:35

We could just bush over rape in this podcast.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

Well, well, we're gonna that's kind of the past different story. Point is I didn't boring. Point is, wait, he was just a bad person.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

Yeah, well we'll go let's just do death first.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Point is I didn't know I had seizures. So I like slipped, you know, in the woods you get these kind of like ravines. Not it wasn't a proper steep, even or proper tour, but it was enough that I slipped down it because I was starting when you're about to have a seizure, you get an aura and you can kind of go a bit weird. So I slipped and kind of lost function of my legs, so it seemed like I'd hurt myself. And I'm yelling out, like I was I was stuck halfway down this kind of ravine thing. I'm yelling out, and then this man shouts back to me from the road, who I never see by the way, and I'm like, Can you come just help me get down from here? It would have been easy. And he's like, No, no, no, I'll call you an ambulance. And I'm like, I don't need an ambulance, I've not hurt myself. Can you just if you walk five metres into the woods, you'll be able to help me. Didn't see him, never did. He said, I'll call my ambulance, then went silent. Never saw this person again. Next thing I remember, the ambulance is there. My friend's come back, she's found me. God knows where the mates in the car had gone. Not red. Um, fucking, um, I'm like, I d I'm not getting in this ambulance. I'm about to go through party. I mean, it's fucking birthday. I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah, literally, I thought I was. I mean, I I didn't really know what fucking day it was, or anyway. It was they thought I had a concussion. Because that's how I was acting.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

But were you on at ease or what? What was it?

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Well, earlier in the day, because bear in mind, this is about like five in the morning the next morning. So I actually hadn't had anything for a while. I'd think I'd probably maybe had a bit of speed to keep me awake, but I'd been drinking all the day before. I'd had I was sniffing K every day at this point in my life, every single day. And like making money with it and stuff. Um but at that point I hadn't I hadn't had anything for a while, but it probably wouldn't have fucking helped all the stuff that it built up from before. So anyway, they think I put my head, I'm like, I'm not getting an ambulance, no, no, no, no, no. Next thing I remember is vaguely, I remember getting an ambulance, just giving it, and then next thing I remember is I wake up in um like not just a normal chairman hospital, but you know, on the comfier ones, but still in the waiting room. And I'm like, oh my ribs hurt, why do my ribs hurt? And then Elfie's looking at me like, oh, that was I too far away then.

SPEAKER_04 11:50

Sorry, come on.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Um Elfie's looking at me like she's seen a ghost, and I'm like, why do my ribs hurt? And she's like, Do you not know what just happened? Apparently, we'd been waiting in the waiting room. She went to the toilet, came back, and I was dead in my chair. Why how? Well, the problem is I'd love to know the answer to that, but the problem is um she had to leave. We were very far away from home and our mum would come to pick her up. She had to leave, I was alone. They wouldn't give me any very strong painkillers, and I they'd broken my ribs from CPR basically. So I was in the back. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 12:21

So you so they had to do CPR at the on the hillside or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

No, this see, this is the what I mean. I they had to get I died in a hospital. She went to the toilet, came back, and I was dead in my chair. So they had to come give me CPR. If I hadn't have fallen down that cliff and been in an ambulance, and I that would have happened to me at a free party in the woods, and I'd be dead right now. So if I fell down that cliff and that random guy that I never saw couldn't call an ambulance, that would uh no one would have been able to give me CPR and I just did that. Right, and things as well. Only recurring dream I ever had in my life was as a kid. I mean, I've had recurring dreams that are similar, but it was exactly the same when I had it every week. Um, when I was like five years old, five, six years old, and remember it vividly was me walking along the edge of a kiff and I fell down and died.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Oh I got chosen.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

And I also used to be convinced that you died on your 100th birthday. Anyway, point is um I never found out what really happened because she she had to go, they weren't giving me proper c painkillers. I think I would Domino's pizza to the hospital, ate that, and then they was just tape being long as fuck, so I pulled my trip out, got on a train. Did you? And just fucking went and got off my head.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

Just stuck out of the hospital.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Yeah, and when it got off my head.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

They would have mightn't have been able to tell you what happened then.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

They would have been, yeah, but they just was taking ages out. I went, I went, I was living on someone's sofa at the time. So I went there, just went and did loads of just got off, killed the pain that way. Not proud of it. It took me a good year or so for it to really click in my head like I died because I had no.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

You don't have to attach shame to anything you're saying there today, you know. Everyone's got everyone's done something they shouldn't have done. Everyone's embarrassed about something they shouldn't have done. Raw human. This was years ago. Yeah, I've learned. The one it was yesterday. People shouldn't judge. It is just what it is.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

They and some people will judge, but do you know what? If they're going to, then they're not for your life.

SPEAKER_03 14:05

Yeah. Don't judge them.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Then they're not for your life. They're not for your life. I like to I like to be very honest and authentic because it filters people out. Like if you just meet someone and you're just very upfront with them and you can see them judging you, then you don't need to give them any more of your time, do you?

SPEAKER_03 14:20

Usually says more about them.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Always.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Exactly. And I just like it's hard to get on with people sometimes when they haven't been through much, but that's like some people don't have to have been through something to not be judgmental. It just so happens that, especially with specific things that I've been through, like it's hard for people to understand if they haven't quite if they don't give you a chance or if they don't, if they haven't been through it themselves. So it's easy just to talk to people like Yeah, we go back to what you said there.

SPEAKER_03 14:47

There shouldn't like be, it shouldn't be a case of them giving you a chance. Well, if you're got if you've got if you're you're that sort of person that has to pre-judge and oh before I give you my time, I want to hear you, you know. Exactly. Roll with it, roll with the person.

SPEAKER_04 14:58

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

If whether you've done something good, bad, embarrassing, yeah, whatever you've done, it's not about that. It's about do you are you vibing with the person in front of you? Exactly. Because I couldn't if I was not vibing with you, it doesn't mean I'm not it doesn't mean I'm judging you. Yeah. It just means I'm not vibing with you. It's got nothing to do with um judgment. Yeah. But people get that confused, don't they? Because you can't vibe with everybody, can you? It's impossible almost.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

Yeah, no, exactly. And I don't think you meant to it. I think it got to like you have to start to you have to slowly realise that, I think. I used to always like, that is your and I don't I might not seem it now, but I used to be very, very, very, very, very bad social anxiety.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

And you kind of Well did you used to worry about people's opinions or everything.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

I grew up like I used to like, like I never thought I'd be able to perform like a two now. When I was 12 years old, this is a perfect example of how anxious I was. Twelve years old, I I was still I bought grill brown music, so I always wanted to do it. Never thought I could do it in a career, but I just loved it.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

Grew up music in what sense?

SPEAKER_00 15:54

Um well my parents did free parties. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. So there was that. My dad's a DJ. I didn't grow up really with my dad around much because he's around it, but we're still kind of close. Uh music was just like it was just always playing. Like my family friends, like, music was just the biggest thing in our lives. Like, every big memory to me, like connects me. I was a festival baby, you know, I went to like festivals as a muteborn baby. My mum went to an African Bob Barter rave when she was six months pregnant. So the vibrations probably went into my brain whilst I was like forming.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

But actually, shows in your music because you could I couldn't categorize your music as a genre. She someone said to me, Oh, who's that West Girl you've had on? What's what music does she do? I'd be like, just listen and just see if you've vibe of it.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Yeah, when people ask me, I'm like, I don't at the minute I'm really quite enjoying mixing like hip hop and grunge. I like to mix stuff together, but I like for all my music, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 16:45

I like the simplicity of your music, you know. Like there was um we're gonna go back. I haven't remembered where we're up to, by the way. I've remembered, I'll go back in a sec. Yeah. But I was gonna say quickly, because I I think I sent it, didn't it? Was that um what was it? I sent it at the best the the best time or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Oh, that see, I got it. I like that one. Do you actually? I really like it.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Say the lyric for me again. Do you remember it?

SPEAKER_00 17:05

Um the best I've ever felt.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Yeah, but is it the didn't didn't have to be a little bit more than the same?

SPEAKER_00 17:08

Um, is I walk into the room and hear my favourite song. A drink that's keep going. Okay, I walk into the room and hear my favourite song. A drink up in my hand and a tab up on my tongue. The letters we get to flash, the grandbigets the melt. I swear to fucking god, this is the best I've ever felt. I tell him I wasn't like that. Point is that that song I made when I was like 19.

SPEAKER_03 17:27

No way.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

That's one of the oldest ones that's on that, on that mix the whole that whole mixtape is me clearing stuff out.

SPEAKER_03 17:32

Did you just you've just, congratulations, been signed by a record labor?

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Yeah, yeah. Well, it was six months ago now, really. I was it six months ago. Because I was still living on the streets.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

You just said it though. You've just announced it or said it though.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Um well, well, I signed it about three months ago. And I just got off I just released a mixtape, so I just announced really. Um but I was still living on the streets eight months ago. That's it. Um so it's taken a while to Was you? Yeah, did you not know this? No. Did you actually know you were just playing up for the cameras? No, you didn't tell me. Yeah, no, I was living on the streets like eight months ago.

SPEAKER_03 18:05

I know you've I know you've been homeless, but I didn't know it was like as soon as that ago.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Or if you haven't, and I've forgotten, I'm sorry, but no, it wasn't to the cameras. I've not played it up with the cameras, I promise. No, no.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

I probably haven't said then yet.

SPEAKER_03 18:17

Which streets?

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Which streets? Um, well, last time Bristol. First time it was shit in Sheffield. Um, they they fucking well the first yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Wait, should we go back to where we were?

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Where was we again?

SPEAKER_03 18:30

I'm gonna struggle here. Right?

SPEAKER_00 18:32

There was a few things.

SPEAKER_03 18:33

There was a few things wrong. We're on about judgment and vibes, weren't we? Going back to going back to because you were saying something about um you were 20, you were 21 now, that's all just happened, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Yeah, because I'm 24 now.

SPEAKER_03 18:44

You're 24 now, but when the death happened, went back to the death now.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

21st birthday. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:49

Was your actual birthday happen?

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Yeah, because that event happened, the the St. Paul's. No, because St. Paul's was on my birthday, so that's why it was so mad that as well that when I was a kid I had that had those thoughts in mind. And I've had other dreams where I've directly predicted the future in even weirder ways.

SPEAKER_04 19:05

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Really? Yeah. Really? Because I really was hoping I could tell this on it, because I I loved this story so much.

SPEAKER_04 19:10

Yeah, go on.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

And so and and do you know what's mad as well? This story starts back when I was 19 still, and the there's information, the latest information I've got about this dream that makes it even like the freakiest it gets. I only found out a few weeks ago because I put something on TikTok. Okay, basically, oh it's a bit of a long story. Go on. Okay. Do you like dreams and I can't entangle me? I love it all.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

I love from doing this, I love everything deep. Everything deep, I love, yeah. Sick.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

So basically, I was living in um I'd just I'd left Buxton living in um I was living in Manchester at the time. I was probably 20 actually. Just turned 1920. And um I was never at the flat that I was living in. I was always just at my mate's house. Like we just they had a uni girlfriend. They was always just I didn't go uni, I was just getting on it. Um and I had had this dream one night, which at first is gonna sound so cliche, and I know archetypes are a thing. Do you know about like Carl? If you've read much Carl Jung stuff, a little bit, yeah. Yeah, so he loves his archetypes. He coined the word synchronicity, didn't he? I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. So it's just a pretty face. I didn't know that. Um, yeah, so basically, um, like this dream, at first I thought this whole dream was just metaphorical. Okay, but it turns out it wasn't.

SPEAKER_03 20:33

And how old are you having this dream now?

SPEAKER_00 20:35

19 in this dream. So the dream was that it started, I was on like the edge of this kind of beach, stood there, and there's I don't fully see him, but there is this charming guru type person next to me. We don't talk, but we eat magic mushrooms, which I had been doing at the time. I've been doing that for years. I was doing drinking. Do you know what I mean? Whatever. So then we got a little kayak to a nearby island, or what I thought was a nearby island, but was actually just across a river. Right, he fogs off, goes his own way in the jungle, whatever. I'm walking through the jungle, and then I come across a mangrove. Do you know what a mangrove is? Like a it's like a tree that grows out of the water. So that they're usually on the beach, and like the roots grow.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

Like in you know, life of pie, where all the m all the me cats are that kind of thing, yeah. Um, and there was a brown owl sat on this tree, and the owl says to me, telepathically telepathically, which often happens in this sort of um situation for people, which is weird when they get downloads, um, that its name was Buta. Remember this, B-U-T-A. Okay. Its name was Buddha. Said, I'm gonna stop being blind and become aware. And it said, my star sign is being ruled by the moon. That like I'm being ruled by my star sign moon. And I even laughed in my dream because I was born in the summer. I was like, well, that's stupid. My star sign is ruled by the fucking I was born on a I'm a cancer. So I wake up, Google it, Google Buddha first, right? It turns out there is a really rare mangrove in the area of the world that it looked like that dream could have been in. I tentacled to the dr the mangrove I saw called Buddha because it can make you blind. It's called the blind your eye tree. Right? And remember what the owl said to me. And then I googled something about my star sign, and that turned out to be relevant too. That was all weird in itself. Obviously, owls mean wisdom, awareness, blah blah. That whole thing was weird as fuck already, and I was like kind of a bit freaked out by it. Because I was a very sceptical person at this point as well. Like astrology, all of it. I kind of thought, even though I believed stuff, I just questioned it. And I was I was very sceptical, more than like I hadn't experienced what I have now. Um and anyway, a few days later, I wake up. No dream this time, but I am convinced I've spoken to my flatmate that I actually live with, and he's told me that we're getting kicked out, that a letter came through the door, we're getting kicked out, and that the plants in the hallway died, right? Or in my room or something. I tell the people I'm with, I'm like, did this happen? They're like, dude, what you're talking about, Nave. Go on my phone, there's no calls or text between us. So in front of those people, and bear in mind, I've told them what I think he's told me. In front of those people, I call him up and I'm like, um, Dale, like, have we talked? And he's like, No, I've been trying to get hold of you. We got a letter, we're getting kicked out, and the plants have died. Right?

SPEAKER_04 23:19

No.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

Yeah, so that happened. That I got I got sectioned for the second time not long after that, because I have five polars. Well, it was the second time. I've got my polar, innit? So my mania, that really triggered my mania a lot worse because the thing is in this world, and I want to make a documentary about this, not about my story, um, about the situation of that, like, especially in the West. Um, because uh side note, West in my name, where I'm from, West means like fucked up, trippy, like my head's gone west. I'm not from West London or something like that. That's where the yeah, that's where the West is. Oh, that's cool. So, um, but like, so you say you've taken have you ever taken mushrooms or anything like that?

SPEAKER_03 24:01

No, but I keep guests keep telling me about ayahuasca and mushrooms and so it's my next step. My next step is to do that and experience it.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Even even if you're on any kind of drugs, really, I guess, like, and someone starts going to you, you're you're going crazy. You're going crazy, you've gone crazy. We need to sedate you and lock you in a room, you'd start having a bad experience. So if you're manic, bipolar, or psychosis, or schizophrenic, any of that state, I mean they're all different. I'm not disregarding mental health. There were times I needed sectioning, there were times I needed medicating, but in terms of exacerbating it, if you tell someone all those things, um, their spiritual aspects of it um are gonna go a certain way, they're gonna become a negative experience. Like I got sectioned three times, and the fourth time I had a really bad branch episode, instead of thinking to myself, these mad experiences, until instead of telling myself all of it was mental illness, I looked into other cultures views of it, science, quantum entanglement, things like that. Did you? And it turns out, and and then I didn't get sectioned or go on my antipsychotics that time because a lot of it I'd stopped being the theory.

SPEAKER_03 25:03

Did they try to? Did they try to do it?

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:05

So how did they stop it? Because you said I'm I'm alright.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

I've well basically at the time, because I move around so much, I have to like re-get with um mental health services every time. So like I'll get better or I'll I'll move, and then I won't get with them until I'm unwell again. So it w it wasn't happening quick enough anyway. Like what they were trying to do. I was on that's why I got put on bloody pre-gabbling by doctors, which isn't for bipoplar, um, but they put me on it just to deal with me. Um but the point is, if you don't, if you stop injecting so much fear into those experiences, they change a lot. And you can really utilise like the synchronicities, you can see them as a beautiful thing, like other cultures do. I'm not gonna lie, there was times I thought like when I was really unwell, I fucking thought squirrels were following me trying to make me kill myself. That wasn't really.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

So were you on drugs why that squirrel thing, or is that part of the mentality?

SPEAKER_00 25:52

On and off, on and off. And this is the thing bipolar.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Do you know what's real or not real then? Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Bipolar runs in my family, I but I will be the first to admit that I exacerbated things by taking drugs. But I was taking drugs to deal with fucking all the trauma that happened to me.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

But um trauma pre-19 or pre-21 or pre-19, 14 plus.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Well, I mean, growing up, like my my my beautiful mum now, she okay right, where am I going with this? Because I I've just started going on a completely different fucking thing. Um can I say something one thing about documentary quickly though?

SPEAKER_01 26:24

Oh yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

I just think it's really important that like we have a mental health crisis, and it's because we are fucking completely disregarding any spiritual aspects of it. And whatever people want to call spiritual, you might have a different word for it. I think counter entanglement is spiritual, and I think let's slowly connect it. And religion is typically a set of rules that has been kind of often twisted and you know, kind of like made a certain way to benefit whoever's in power in that place. Spirituality comes from within. I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe in the Christ consciousness. Mary Magdalene, your past guest, says some beautiful things. Big up Patsy. I um I believe in all that. I just think the messages have been twisted quite drastically, and Jesus wanted us to know that it came from within rather than you know outwardly.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

Um you just just stop then, because I think it's amazing what you just said there. Because one is obviously as famously said at the burning bush, who am I? I am. So it's really important that you follow everything with I am. Everything after I am is said with positivity. Yes. I am God, I am happy, I am spiritual, I am this, I am that. Whatever you say, I am. But that was I've never heard anybody say that point you just said, which is what um Western medicine, quite uh Western medicine when it's when you forget insection or something, is to use them drugs positively.

SPEAKER_01 27:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:43

And and to make it a positive experience. Yeah, when you're an interesting way of putting that like it's quite a negative thing, isn't it? It's a negative experience.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Well, yeah, being sectioned and stuff is, but you don't really have to because like I I've taken, I said, I've taken DMT, I've taken mushrooms, I've taken everything on the fucking planet pretty much. Well, but like I I've not taken ayahuasca stuff yet. But I've taken anyway, the point is I'm not doing ice cream. And I know what. That'd be a great trip to sitter. Um but I um I like uh I can um compare the experiences, and like it's this if when you are feeding fear into a mental health experience, it's only gonna make it worse.

SPEAKER_03 28:21

I think that is an amazing thing. And then you've done that was an amazing thing.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

And I didn't I ended up not needing, and I haven't briefly I did a stint on um small dose of antipsychotics when I was homeless because situationally, like, things were like exacerbating my mental health, but have you been spiritual before so when did you start taking drugs?

SPEAKER_03 28:37

What age? 14. So before 14, sorry, before 14, was there any did you felt did you feel there's more to life, spirituality, or did it kick in over the years through trauma and drugs and where do you think the views you've got are unreal. Like I'm bang on point. Well, that's just top of the eye side. I think you're absolutely bang on point, and I agree everything you said. There's another guest we had on called algae.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Okay. Algae.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

Algae, yeah. Oh, yeah, sick. It's cool. Uh and he always speaks to his food before he has it.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

I love that.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

Because I thank you, thank you. It's so weird just because it's vibration on the food. So he wants the vibration inside him to be good. And and like the and he I'm getting chills, I'm getting my chills. Um, like what I'm saying is though it's um and and you live in these little bits, and I think so much like Tesla said, everything's energy, everything's vibration. Oh, we know why we killed him, don't we?

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Fucking free energy. You know why scientists are going missing?

SPEAKER_03 29:30

Yeah, I've I've seen but it's never gonna get covered, is it? These scientists.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

Oh, I'll fucking tell you right now what's going on. I'll tell you right now.

SPEAKER_03 29:37

This podcast isn't big enough yet. But we'll make it big, won't we need?

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Oh, we will.

SPEAKER_03 29:41

But yeah, um So what I'm saying is I think you bang on, is what I'm saying. I think you're absolutely spot on.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

Because we, like I say, we just we just have this massive um crisis, and like I say, if just it just um act like objectively, if you look in other cultures, other countries, way of handling, you can see the difference of those experiences. But I want to make it very clear, like I would never say to everyone, right? Everybody stop taking your meds and believe every thought that comes into your head. That would be insane. Like, literally, like, and and that would be dangerous. But that's why it's so important to be able to differentiate. For me, it was so for my example, it was important for me for me to look into the real sides of it so I could say, okay, that's real, but that's not. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's a really nice, beautiful synchronicity. That's you thinking fucking squirrels are telepathically communicating with you. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's a fucking line and it can be dangerous, and like there are low energies. Again, I my my oh, that's what you asked. When did I become spiritual? Spiritual, that word is so like it's hard enough.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

Awake, awake.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

Yeah, awake.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

Let's call it awake or awakened or aware. Aware, you know.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

You're gonna stop being blind and become aware. That's what the owl said to me. Wait, I didn't finish the owl, I didn't finish the owl to me. So basically, so obviously that tree was called Buddha. I found out recently, because I put a video about that, about that thing. Someone commented, there is a place called the Kinnepatangum River.

SPEAKER_03 31:08

They did say this bit, you did say this bit.

SPEAKER_00 31:09

No, I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 31:11

I actually didn't.

SPEAKER_03 31:11

Go on. Wait, so it's called Buddha?

SPEAKER_00 31:13

No, there's more to it.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

Oh, go, go on, go, go, go.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

There's this is even weirder. Come on. So this was just recently. There's a place called the Kinnepatangum River, this person said. And it's in um Borneo in Sabah, which weirdly enough, my grandma had visited this exact place a month before I had that dream, didn't know anything about this I I've asked her because I thought I like to disprove things.

SPEAKER_03 31:33

I thought Did you say it to me? Yeah, like uh, did you mention it?

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Yeah, yeah, and I did that. So uh anyway, there is a real owl, a brown owl, identical to the one in my dream, that lost an eye in a battle. So it always sits on the same part of the river, and guess what they called it? Booter. Okay. How'd you explain that? How'd you explain that? How'd you explain it? And like again, and it's like I could have, like I did at the time, if I was in a fucking mental circuit, I could take that and run with it, and it could become dangerous because I could start looking too much into it, thinking it's like it got to the point, like I yeah, yeah, and you like you think because like patterns are everywhere, numbers, things like that. It can be so easy to like be drawn into like kind of psychotic way of thinking of it if you don't understand it. And when you do understand it, it stops becoming so scary and like oh my god, what is happening? Especially when everyone when things like that happen as well, where it's like people around you can visibly see that that just happened, but they people don't want to touch you sometimes, even if they see that something crazy's happened, they don't want to address it, and it makes you feel lonely and isolated, and you feel like you're going crazy on your own, which is why this huge like collective awakening that's going on is so beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

But you're gonna find your own tribe.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

Like, this was the first one of the first protocols towards you finding that tribe and helping by helping people and you utilise synchronicities to get the people to get the guests that you get on here, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:57

And then and then the audience grows because they would like hearing it. Exactly, it's authentic. But there's no judgment. That's really important. Exactly. There's no judgment. Every single not every single guest, but a lot of the guests I have, I know people are judging them guests. They are definitely judging the guests before. If they actually watch the interview, you they'd see their judgment slide away.

SPEAKER_00 33:13

Yeah, I the amount of judgment that I get is Oh, I can imagine. I was gonna say unbelievable, but it's actually very believable.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

It's completely fucking expected, actually. Just go back to two things so I don't forget the idea. Thank you, thank you. One is the um documentary thing. Yeah, I think that's an amazing idea. Right? That is that is a great idea to do, and you should do it.

SPEAKER_00 33:33

You can get on on it with me if you want.

SPEAKER_03 33:34

Of course, let's do it, let's do it. And we'll get Richie's a filmmaker, Richie, you know. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_00 33:38

I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 33:38

Richie, he was the idea.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

So much to t to too.

SPEAKER_03 33:41

But you could do even just create a short film to show it, to showcase the awareness towards it. Because you only have to do a short film, like eight to twelve minutes long, and then you showcase them at film festivals or whatever. I've got them contacts for you. We'll sort that out. I've got their contacts.

SPEAKER_00 33:55

It's how it works, guys.

SPEAKER_03 33:56

Right, it's how it works. Um, but that would be a good one because people in that industry they want to see some sort of um what's the what's the word? Um reason for the film, like what's the like a message? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:10

And then just go. There's two other things. So one other thing quickly is uh the astrology thing, right? My mate Mike, he watched every podcast. Hi, Mike. Love you, Mike. Um Love Mike. Uh he said to me, you know, he said to me, Alex, he went, stop guessing the star signs after every fucking at the end of a month.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Oh, I told you one, right?

SPEAKER_03 34:27

I know you know that's why it's going, but he went, he went, and you keep getting them wrong.

unknown 34:30

Do you?

SPEAKER_03 34:31

No, no, no, but I don't because I get the rising signs. So yours is Aquarius.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

No.

SPEAKER_03 34:35

No, fuck it. I'm sorry, Mike.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

I've got my. I'm c I'm I'm a cancer. You're gonna rising sign Scorpio.

SPEAKER_03 34:41

Scorpio.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Oh yeah. No way. That's why that explains a lot. It explains a lot of the screen. Oh, I'm gonna go Aquarius.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Because your personality, I was gonna go Aquarius.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

That's why, that's why I'm I'm the the owl said that my soul sign is ruled by my moon. Because I'm ruled by Scorpio. That's and that's why my.

SPEAKER_03 34:55

Was your rising sign?

SPEAKER_00 34:56

Yeah, so because I'm um 2nd of July. So I'm so I'm Cancer, but then um my moon is also is that my rising? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 35:05

My moon is your rising sign is your is the sun.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

Oh, so my rising is cancer.

SPEAKER_03 35:10

Oh, you rising.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

But my moon is Scorpio.

SPEAKER_03 35:13

We're gonna do this after. Okay, so we'll know. I'm basically right, because he's taking the fist out of me because Mike does, because I keep getting them wrong. But afterwards, I usually am right when we look and this look at the rising stars. Not all the time. Anyway, that was that one.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

What are you?

SPEAKER_03 35:25

You guess.

unknown 35:26

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

Okay, don't tell me.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

You guess me at the end.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

Yeah, I'll guess at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll try and feel for it.

SPEAKER_03 35:32

Okay, um and the other one, so so there's that and that I want to. So, yeah, we're definitely gonna do the that documentary is very good, or short film. So go back the other way. Um so 14 started taking drugs.

SPEAKER_00 35:45

Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:46

And and then we what do we call it? Awake or aware?

SPEAKER_00 35:49

Uh aware.

SPEAKER_03 35:50

Because it started to become aware of it. After they're taking the drugs or Well, I do you know what?

SPEAKER_00 35:55

I feel like as a kid, like an actual child, up until like maybe six or seven, I already like my entire life I've had fucking weird dreams. Vivid dreams, dark dreams, very intense dreams, and I like would think things that weren't true or kind of saw things that weren't there.

SPEAKER_03 36:13

Do you think that's linked to the bipolar, or do you think that's linked to this awareness?

SPEAKER_00 36:16

I think it's a bit of both, I think they're both connected.

SPEAKER_03 36:18

I I'm bipolar properly sorry, because I don't really know. I mean people other people might not know. Yeah, yeah. So John would say basic what with the basic people. If I represent the people that don't know, I'll tell you what we think.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

I know what you think. Oh I know what people think.

SPEAKER_03 36:30

I think it's gonna be uh I wake up one day and I feel that depressed and sad I can't do anything about it.

SPEAKER_00 36:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:35

See, this is that's what we think isn't the people that feel. I've just watched that Tourette's uh film and it really opens up when you get into something, a subject. Yeah. So if you explain to us people who haven't, I've not come across bipolar, so I don't know. Well no, I'm I mean it like I said it's a basic way. Yeah, it's but really I know there's more I've not met anybody who's got it or whatnot.

SPEAKER_00 36:53

It's very, very, very, very, very misunderstood. It's usually what like usually what people would describe as bipolar is actually borderline personality disorder symptoms. Like usually people will be like a guy will be like, oh my, she's so bipolar. And someone say, I'm so bipolar. And it's not their fault, it's just society's kind of portrayed it that way in like especially in media stuff, like that the bipolar is up and down throughout the day or day to day. Actually, bipolar is very different from what the mental illness is. It's neurological for a starter, it's inherited usually, and it's more of kind of a structural thing. And they're finding more and more out about this now. Um, but rather than it being a response, I mean you kind of trigger you can have things trigger episodes, but rather what um well okay, so there's different types of bipolar, like some people experience more depression, some people experience more mania, but these episodes they're not up or down throughout the day, they are um they're months at a time, they last or weeks at a time. Exactly. Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, there's a cycle, usually.

SPEAKER_03 37:52

Is it match sorry? I know I'm not I'm not a woman. Does it match your cycle?

SPEAKER_00 37:56

Well, interestingly, interestingly.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

So I'm thinking about the hormone triggers as a made as well.

SPEAKER_00 38:00

I so they've actually just found some more stuff out about this, and AD issues are, and I not to be too much information, but for as long as I've had periods, I've had periods twice a month. Instead of once, they've done it.

SPEAKER_03 38:12

Oh, normal or not normal is that?

SPEAKER_00 38:13

Well, everyone's meant to have once a month. Yeah, no, I know that bit. I mean, is it part of it? Is it yeah?

SPEAKER_03 38:17

I know it's not normal, but is it like really not normal?

SPEAKER_00 38:18

Yeah, really not normal, and they can't find out why. There's nothing wrong. Well, there's definitely something wrong with me, but in terms of that, so yeah, it's really weird, but bypass basically, yeah. So you have manic episodes and depressive episodes, and what they look more like rather than like um what people think of it as, when you're manic, you're not really happy. You're you have a high energy, which level one, hypermania, sometimes can be really positive and like a good experience, and you have more energy, you might sleep less, you're gonna eat less, you feel very confident, you feel very talkative, and that spiritual thing often starts coming up for people where you feel a lot more attached, which depends on which way you go with it, can be good or bad. Um, you can start to be a little bit agitated.

SPEAKER_03 38:57

It really still like ADHD a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 38:59

It's like so hypermania is like very imagine very intense and ADHD, but with like um turned on euphoric symptoms to the butt it could but to the point where Now me and you were chatting, we met and we were like this, like two kids.

SPEAKER_03 39:11

Yeah, yeah. Is it more than that?

SPEAKER_00 39:13

And yeah, but the both like this. You're like this, this is your personality. So to somebody who was say there was somebody that was normally really, really quiet and just very calm. If they had a manic episode, they'd become like you. I know. If you were manic, fuck knows what happened, you'd explode. You'd just fucking spontaneously combust.

SPEAKER_03 39:33

But then you must as well then, because if that was I think I'm a little bit manic right now.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 39:37

I'm not getting that. Are you are you at that level now?

SPEAKER_00 39:39

I think I'm a little, I mean, people have been pointing things out. I don't, again, because I have ADHD, it's not. There's nothing wrong with how you are, by the way, now. I don't like it. But point it, but when you're manic manic, like, um, and it goes beyond that, it's very dangerous because you can become psychotic, delusional, angry. It stops it very quickly.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

It's a more like a build of energy and what to do with it.

SPEAKER_00 39:58

For me, it it stops being enjoyable quite quickly because I get very agitated. Like, I've because I already have ADHD, I think plays a big part of it, it becomes very uncomfortable. You're crawling out your skin kind of thing, and I can become delusional in the past. You know, like I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_03 40:13

Well, like the scribble thing, you mean, or dreams?

SPEAKER_00 40:16

It means lots of it.

SPEAKER_03 40:17

Or paranoia, all of it.

SPEAKER_00 40:19

It's just full-blown psychosis for some, it's different for everyone, and then the depression, and and the worst thing about bipolar that is not talked about enough, is mixed episodes. You can have mixed episodes where you've got this energy of the mania, but the depressive thoughts, and that's when a lot of people end up, you know, ending it because you've got the kind of motivation, the delusion along with the dark sides. But some people like I've been on and off bipolar medication for a long time since I was about 18. And you want to I'm not on it now, but I wouldn't recommend people to just stop taking it because especially if you do just stop taking it if you've been on it, then you're gonna have manic episodes like that.

SPEAKER_01 40:57

Oh, you go up, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

And I can't take antidepressants because they make me manic, because because it's just the chemicals in my brain, unless I mix it with antipsychotics, which then I I'm just a zombie. I don't like how it makes me feel, it drains the colour out of my world. It's just not for me. If I need to take them, if I'm on this.

SPEAKER_03 41:14

Let's go back to the thing you said before, though, wasn't it? About Sam doing things in a different way from his own.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Exactly, like this, and there's different. I know for a fucking fact, sorry, I know for a fact that if we put enough time and effort into it as a culture, and just fucking listen to other cultures as well. There's I'm not saying again quite out all medication, but that food, food waste, um, herbal remedies, minerals, and just like all sorts of and maybe maybe small amounts of um psychedelics that can reset your brain because now we know bipolar has structural effects on your brain. So does ADHD.

SPEAKER_03 41:48

Just that we can but the micro diet microdoses.

SPEAKER_00 41:50

Yeah, which I've done before and it's really helpful. I've overdone it too. I started taking acid when I was fucking like 16 and I was just taking it stupidly. It's a tool and a medicine, it shouldn't disrespect. Same with mushrooms. So obviously, again, another reason that I take I hold my hands up that I didn't play a great part in my mental health. Obviously, that mixed with the trauma that I went through, like I didn't really stand, and then the everyone in my everyone in my family has bipolar pretty much. Like hereditary. My mum, she hasn't been diagnosed with bipolar, but she she's diagnosed with like um well, I don't want to I don't want to error stuff, but you know, my grandparents have bipolar.

SPEAKER_03 42:27

Um let's go back to when you were 14, then you go, that's where we were. So you've got to take a drink to be 14. Like a lot of a lot of us did. Yeah. You've took it to the next level. Is that what's happened there?

SPEAKER_00 42:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:37

So everyone dabbles at that sort of age.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

So what am I doing to just be a little bit more? Well, no, so not now.

SPEAKER_03 42:41

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 42:42

Did you want me to just tell my story like from there?

SPEAKER_03 42:45

Do you want to?

SPEAKER_00 42:46

Yeah, but I'm scared.

SPEAKER_03 42:47

Don't be scared.

SPEAKER_00 42:48

Well, so basically, can I have sip my coffee?

SPEAKER_03 42:50

Whatever you want. I'm gonna have mine then.

SPEAKER_00 42:52

Okay. Cheers.

SPEAKER_03 42:53

Cheers.

SPEAKER_00 42:54

How am I doing?

SPEAKER_03 42:56

Amazing. Really? Yeah, amazing, honestly. So boring though.

SPEAKER_02 43:00

I just wish you'd be less boring.

SPEAKER_00 43:01

Can you not be more talk a bit more and faster?

SPEAKER_02 43:04

I can't believe you said that like it's boring. Like we would never associate you with boring.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

Really? I think I've just been with so many, like, I've just been with so many dickheads that just like didn't like me talking.

SPEAKER_03 43:15

That's their problems, their issue.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

Yeah, well, we'll get into that, I guess, won't we? Um yeah, so like when I was like 14, um, like my like my mum, and I I I want to just say as well, my mum, massive inspiration to me. She's sober now. She got sober at 50 years old through AA, really found her own way through AA to religion. Like, she's not, you know, brainwashed, but she fully believes that. And it's not just that, she she feels it. No, she feels it. She's got ev you saw she's got everything is connected to Ode on her arm. She's very much with the quantum entanglement side of it. I love it.

SPEAKER_03 43:49

She's got a lovely calm energy too, aren't she?

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Yeah, she's amazing. Um you wouldn't like when she was still drinking, as we all are, quite a different person. Not but like only when she's drinking. So I'm so proud of her. Like she's Every single day, innit? Because like people she was she drank a every day since she was twelve, and sh her life was s like similar to my very hard. Very a lot of people. Yeah, everything. We're very close. She's like my two like sisters. No way. Like I'm obviously she's my mum, but like we I I feel so gr everything.

SPEAKER_04 44:20

No way.

SPEAKER_00 44:20

And I'm so lucky that I can be like that. Like, obviously, there were ups and downs when like few because she got sober when I was 18. So like I should have been.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

You're just getting over here.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

I did go through that time. So I went through that time, kind of like obviously there's problems that come when you're parents and add it to my dad wasn't really around. But now we're like on the same, I'm so grateful I can talk to about stuff. My dad, even my dad's I think he's pretty much sober now, um, from other stuff. So both of them I could talk to, even though he wasn't around much. I'm very lucky about that. Um but yeah, when I was 14, that's what it's all about. Um when I was 14, I just moved back to Buxton into my hometown. Um because my mum we'd moved to Cheltenham for a minute, because my mum had married someone in Cheltenham, which was not good for me. I did not fit in in posh Cheltenham, like growing up, it was I just did not fit in. So I always wanted to move back to Buxton. I was like, I did a fucking school project on Buxton, I loved it so much. Once I've about those, thought it was fucking God's gift. Very wrong. Everyone, like my family would be like, it's not how you remember it as a kid, like it's shit all. And I'd be like, no, let me go back. So we went back and um anyway, keep it short.

SPEAKER_01 45:32

At 14 roll with it, roll with it.

SPEAKER_00 45:35

At 14, basically, like I I I had been a proper good goody two shoes until then because I saw what it did to my parents, and I looked after them and I was like, I'll never do that, I'll never do that. And then I just drink and I was like, oh, actually, I think I'm gonna do this every day for the rest of my life. Literally, literally, so like so as well, because of the anxiety I was talking about for. Oh, the school thing, the the anxiety thing, that was just like um context of how anxious I was. When I was 12, like I say, I went to audition for the school play, year seven, so it's in front of all the old lot, or did practiced for hours, went and got up on stage in front of everyone, literally went like this, cried and ran away.

SPEAKER_04 46:12

Oh, bless you.

SPEAKER_00 46:13

And that I was like, okay, well, I guess that's I just like I was like, I guess I'll just never be able to do shit like that.

SPEAKER_01 46:18

Oh bless you.

SPEAKER_00 46:18

So yeah, I've changed a lot. I think mania, having the manic episode with my bipolar, actually like showed me what it's like to be confident and it stayed with me. And it was like it was a gift. Anyway, um I was 14, I don't know, I just started um drinking a lot, and then I started smoking weird a lot, and I was drink like by 15, I was like drinking the toilets at school. Boxing's a very small place, so um, yeah, without just stuff happened, like by then, like there's there's just some as is there everywhere. Um and I just there's some things I want to say just societally to make a fucking point of it.

SPEAKER_03 46:58

Go on then. Go go general, not you.

SPEAKER_00 47:00

That exactly that's that's what I've been thinking about this.

SPEAKER_03 47:03

You won't be the only person that's ever been through what you've been through.

SPEAKER_00 47:06

Exactly. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 47:06

So that's hey, hey Neve, tell me something gen like that's general that people are going through right now. There's a problem from a from your perspective. Don't just everyone should know what we're talking about specifically, that what is it?

SPEAKER_00 47:20

So basically, like there is a huge problem in this country and all over the world, as we are finally seeing with trafficking and assault. And have you seen about this motherless chart that's come out?

SPEAKER_03 47:31

No, motherless chart.

SPEAKER_00 47:33

Motherless chart, a a website that's been getting like fucking millions of views a day of just.

SPEAKER_03 47:37

Oh, yeah, with the with the husbands doing it to the wives.

SPEAKER_00 47:40

Yeah, oh no, there's another one now, just random people just um to targeting people, telling people how to do it.

SPEAKER_03 47:45

What to give drug them to get not just their wives, just anyone.

SPEAKER_00 47:48

Just how to do it, and it and it's even worse than that. Anyway, that's been going for a long time. And it has, just no one wanted to really listen. And it happens to everyone. And shouldn't I just no, it shouldn't, but I just dry.

SPEAKER_03 48:01

Have you?

SPEAKER_00 48:02

Right, well this is that so uh well listen to this. So fucking honestly, we need everyone needs to m know very clearly that this whole Pakistani grooming gang, scapegoat, should not wash. I am not for one second denying that that happened. All of it happened, probably worse than we know, but so did all of the British versions of it. And that's been going on for a long time. And I think we just need to not even put the label of any specific race or group of people onto this conversation because then we are automatically missing out an entire portion of victims and turning it into something political and a tool to use against immigrants, which is already like there's already enough division as it is, and again, not saying those things didn't happen, but the amount that it happens with white British men too, or and every other race of person. Every other culture of British.

SPEAKER_03 48:58

Do you mean all levels of society, or do you mean in that in that shape of the drug culture too?

SPEAKER_00 49:03

All levels of society, all levels of culture, all levels of money, it happens differently where you are.

SPEAKER_03 49:10

So you've your experiences are based on um the the My experience. I'm I don't want to talk about you specifically, but what I'm saying is is it the the the men you're talking about that you know somehow, is that through are they like the the street drug level or is that higher society? What what's your experience either through somebody else or whatever it is that you know?

SPEAKER_00 49:31

The thing is, what will happen is, especially in sports hours where like I'm from, um, because there's levels and you know, like there's a lot of corruption. So obviously all this Epstein stuff is a very different story, like they're all elites, but it trickles down the behaviour, it's just the behaviour trickles down, and it happens in every aspect. And the acceptance of that.

SPEAKER_03 49:49

And so people, yeah, turn a blind eye to that behaviour.

SPEAKER_00 49:51

Exactly. And if you just turn a blind eye to this shit that like then you're you're just as bad. And this is what like in a small town like where I'm from, the mindset of everyone is very it's been very backwards for a long time. And the boys, unfortunately, it's not just the girls that get groomed, the boys get groomed into behaving like that. So I was like things things things happen to me from quite a young age, from like 14 onwards, and it happened at the hands of a group of people that have been doing it for decades, they are known about in that town. They have connections to the police, they repeatedly get away with things, they have judges in their pockets. It's just an ongoing fucking thing, and no one in that town to this day, you think? Yes. And no one in that town happened from to me from 14 at the hospital. The first per first person that put me in Osborne was a policeman's son. And that's all I'm and I will leave it there, but just so people know, because I get a lot of comments of like, oh, you're chatting shit. Only because I don't put my story out, because I don't tell my whole story, people think, oh, she's just say it glazing over it because there's nothing there. It's not a big thing.

SPEAKER_03 50:57

If anywhere then an ounce, yeah, of um like because I well if you were lying, or there's any sort of vibe of lying here, it'd just be obvious. And there it just isn't that not even shred of that. Not even one shred of that coming off your orb.

SPEAKER_00 51:09

Thank you. Not one bit.

SPEAKER_03 51:10

Have you have you seen that? What you're saying as well. There's a woman I can't remember her name. There's a blonde lady, she has a load of hate online, and her main message is um, not all men, but always men. Have you seen it?

SPEAKER_00 51:21

Yes, that a lot. I've heard that a lot. Where is she? I can't remember her name now.

SPEAKER_03 51:24

If someone knows her, tag tag tag it in. Yeah, and I think that's a really good message. And there's another and there's another mess, there's another one that I come across recently called Hassel, H A S L. Seen that one?

SPEAKER_00 51:34

What's that?

SPEAKER_03 51:34

So this one.

SPEAKER_00 51:36

What is it?

SPEAKER_03 51:36

Yeah, this this to she's she's started this one and uh she was like quite groovy clothing, saying, No, I don't want to talk to you, but it looks cool and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 51:44

Oh my god, I need to connect to you. Yes, I know I thought that.

SPEAKER_03 51:47

I thought you'd be a really good one. I'd be like ambassador for him. I know if I'm really good, yeah. Hassle. Um but what I'm saying is And it happens to men too.

SPEAKER_00 51:54

I want to make that very clear as well. When I'm talking about this, it's not all men, and it's not just women.

SPEAKER_03 52:00

What you're saying is, just stop turning a blind eye to people who've got these who want who want to because is it about the sex or is it about the power? It is, isn't it? It's about the power, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 52:10

It's a mix of both, but I think it's majority power. We're getting the wrong top with the power. Seems that way, it really fucking does it. It's sadistic. And um And it's not natural. A lot of guys will use the excuse about animals.

SPEAKER_03 52:21

There's so many men with daughters, sisters, mums. Why why wouldn't they be like going, yeah, that's wrong? Like I'm gonna say, that's wrong. Why can't they just say that? It's weird. I think there's not enough of it, is there? But there is, I mean, there is obviously there's like you were saying about the Pakistani grooming gowns, which are a fact, they did happen. 100% happen.

SPEAKER_00 52:38

I've seen met fit, I've spoken to victims, 100%.

SPEAKER_03 52:41

I really, really can't deny, looking at I'm talking that it didn't happen. Exactly. But but then um I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with the guy, but uh whatever. Tommy Robinson was on about that 20 years ago. But for example, um But I know, I know, whatever his agenda was, if they did listen to him then a lot of girls might have been saved, might not be.

SPEAKER_00 52:59

But the thing is, um, he might have been saying something 20 years ago, but so were all the victims. So were so were a million other people saying.

SPEAKER_03 53:07

So it doesn't matter, everyone just ignores it.

SPEAKER_00 53:08

Everyone just ignored it. I everyone ignored in my town when I was talking about it, it was never you're wrong, it was just can you just stop going on about it?

SPEAKER_03 53:14

No.

SPEAKER_00 53:15

And the thing is what you got told.

SPEAKER_03 53:17

Stop going on about it.

SPEAKER_00 53:18

But the thing is, right?

SPEAKER_03 53:20

That's so wrong in it.

SPEAKER_00 53:22

Literally, I would get because everyone's friends. But the point is as well, but the top of the don't make trouble. Literally, and and I like other victims, other women said to me, I'm too as well. It's not just that, other w women said to me, I like because I said, look, they they approach they'd approach me and say, It happened to me too, same group of people, and I'd say to speak out with me, and they'd say, I'm too scared for my family's safety. There is that aspect to it too. People don't want to understand that. But the Tommy Robinson thing.

SPEAKER_03 53:50

Leave your story there now, because I don't want you to put yourself on the dude. I'm gonna stop you because I could get you could carry on. So I'm gonna stop you. Leave that one there then, yeah. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:57

We're gonna say the Tommy Robinson thing. Um, so because basically, like he that's a perfect example of like controlled opposition, I think the way point is, like, he he might have said something twelve years ago, but he's also, you know, done some incredibly disgusting things, and it's just goes to show that his voice is being spoken about when 20 years ago many female voices were saying the exact same thing. And again, so say we've got like a a a picture of all the things that happen, and like you say there's like a white black and white grid of all the grooming gangs and trafficking gangs in the UK, and you just choose to colour in only the Pakistani ones red, and then you go, Oh, there's loads of red on there, and you can't see the other ones. Yeah, there is loads of red on there, but then if you got a fucking red pen and shaded in all of the other ones as well that were of other races, there'd be way more fucking red, and like it would be an equal amount of everything. Do you get what I'm saying? I do, yeah. It's just that.

SPEAKER_03 54:56

She says it better, doesn't she? It's not every man, but it's always better.

SPEAKER_00 54:59

And it happens to men too. Yeah, that's the thing.

SPEAKER_03 55:01

Yeah, you keep saying that, which is good. The only thing I would just say that I've seen, which I can't unsee, is the proportionate thing. So let's say if there was which I don't know how true the statistics, statistics are because I've not looked myself. I have, so the statistics come and they say they're disproportionately, based on the number of people.

SPEAKER_00 55:18

Yeah, it's just not true though.

SPEAKER_03 55:18

Yeah, because they say there's hundred, there's a hundred um of that uh religion or race or whatever, and there's a hundred of that one, one of them will do it, but forty of them will do it. It's actually the other way around.

SPEAKER_00 55:29

Unfortunately, it's actually the other way around.

SPEAKER_03 55:31

Statistically higher.

SPEAKER_00 55:32

Oh, 100%. If it's at least equal, but in this country there are more white people, so obviously it's gonna happen. But statistically, that's what we just have proportional things. It's equal.

SPEAKER_03 55:45

It's equal no matter where you go, and it's just a hundred of them and a hundred of them, there'd be 40 of them and 40 of them or whatever, or five of them and five of them. It really is, yeah. Because that's the thing, when people get put that statistics in their face.

SPEAKER_00 55:55

And it's interesting, you know what's interesting for me. Actually, yeah, but it is just it just is equal, and I just like and again, like the amount of men it does happen to as well, which I have had the uh it actually happened to, what do you mean that get put into that?

SPEAKER_03 56:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:12

It happens to, especially at a young age as well. Like the amount of guys that like feel like that will say to me, I've never told anyone this before because they know what I've been through, so they feel like they can open up and the fucking damage that it will do to a guy that because you know, obviously it might happen more to women, but the damage it does to a guy when it happens, they don't can't talk about it. They feel embarrassed, especially if it's happened by another guy. But women can do it too. Women do rate people too. Like that that can happen, and again, it that will get laughed about if you're a guy. I've seen it happen a million times, it's fucking disgusting. It works both ways. A woman shouldn't hit a man either. Why is it? Why is it? And I bet you fuck like why is it that a woman can fucking slap around round a man? Fuck yeah, slap around round the face and everyone no one cares. I mean, I know we're kind of moving out of that a little bit and it depends on what circle you're in, but it's just I mean in that like in yeah, it's just all if you want equality, then you want equality, not you know, like a lot of people think that um wanting matriarchy is the opposite of patriarchy and that we want women at the top, but actually all that just means is equality, like everyone's equal.

SPEAKER_03 57:16

And also we've got different strengths. There's there's masculine energy, there's feminine feminine energy, and again, each and men should be men and lean into their male energy and women can lean into and then they without, exactly. If they want, why are we labeling things? There's no label. Exactly, exactly. There is no label.

SPEAKER_00 57:30

You should just be able to be. What however the problems then do what you want. It doesn't like but it becomes good, do it if it don't feel good, don't do it.

SPEAKER_03 57:37

Exactly. It's just natural.

SPEAKER_00 57:39

But it's when you start trying to oppress exactly when you start trying to like oppress other people's decisions of how they display what energy they want, then that can make people feel trapped and over-display their energy and feel defensive, and it's just like they're attacking rather than being authentic. So then they need to like kind of defensive and like but I need to uh and oh it's just all so complicated. I'm sure everyone would fucking love each other. Grow up and fucking love each other. You know, better what I mean. Like just fucking it's not hard, is it?

SPEAKER_03 58:09

Just fucking respect, be nice to each other. Yeah, be and and don't label things. Um I was thinking about you as well. But you wonder if you like this comparison or not. I don't know. I won't say it, shall I say it?

SPEAKER_00 58:20

Go on, I'm intrigued now, you can't do that.

SPEAKER_03 58:22

It's not a looks-based thing.

SPEAKER_00 58:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 58:24

It's and it's a general, you know, I was generalising things then, weren't we? Like, why is it some of the best music artists, yeah, or the way they express themselves so authentically and so well, like you do? Yeah, I love the way you express yourself. I love watching your music videos and then we got it. Yeah, I think your vibe's great. Really? That's why I contacted you now. I think just what a vibe. I just love it. Um but in it funny how there's the the the they've got like I was Aim Winehouse, I was just gonna say.

SPEAKER_04 58:51

I had feeling like that.

SPEAKER_03 58:52

I know you had, I know I knew you knew that. I knew you. But what I'm saying is unfortunate what happened with Aim Winehouse.

SPEAKER_00 58:56

But it's fucking disgust it's so the way they treated her.

SPEAKER_03 59:00

But but what I'm saying, but no, I was gonna actually go on that next, actually, in my head. But so like you're you've got I know I know I'm thinking that. Like, so you're you know, wrapped up in this, so aware, so many, so much experience at a young age, and then it just comes out in like a like a beautiful light of creativity for your songs, like boom. I love it, boom, boom. And it's like, yeah, and I'm I mean, yeah, and I'm and I'm like fighting back against it. I mean, yeah, and yeah, and I love that because that is like when someone's really fucking doing their thing, and they're just there and they're not and all that's gone.

SPEAKER_04 59:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 59:33

And they're just there. Singing that song. Yeah, and I love that creative human creativeness. I was I did a post the week saying that every human should have a creative outlet. However, however that looks.

SPEAKER_00 59:45

I really want to start.

SPEAKER_03 59:46

Even if it's woodwork. Yeah. Whatever vibes for you.

SPEAKER_00 59:48

I really want to start some kind of charity thing where we can like where people, especially you, because they've cut most creative things out of GCCs. Like, if I didn't have an outlet like that, my only outlet would be fucking drugs. I'd be dead. Like, people don't, so I want to be able to help me. Humans were meant to be creative.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:04

But what people think with when they think creative, they think someone like you, because you're at the top end, in my view, like of creativity, musicians and things like that, you know, because it's so it's amazing, isn't it? But like, but what they don't get is like creative is the people that do some like the bloke who does the woodwork in his garage or pottery or whatever it is, even if you shit at drawing, drawing. Writing, there's so much different versions of creativity.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:26

Exactly, and I feel like even helping people can be creative. They can. If that was your sort of outlet, it's like that you feel like you're creating the every human should have a positive. You're creating positive energy.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:37

But what I'm saying with you, or or the person that I Amy Why associated you with, is it what how do you feel that you've had to have all them experiences which you've not even fucking touched on, really? And they're bits, but yeah, we we skipped over the R-word with the boyfriend.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:53

We've skipped that was just like the see just imagine that times a million, then we'll fit that's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:02

There's millions like that. You've you've had to go through.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:04

This is for another podcast. Yeah, but after hours.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:07

When you've made it, made it. Come back. Yeah. Come back to humble old me when you've just done you've just done an American tour and go, no, I'm not doing any interviews, I'm going back to see how.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:16

We've got documentaries to be making together than now. We're wearing fucking business partners, it's better than that, aren't we?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:22

Deal.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:23

I'm holding it up. I like your tattoos right there.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:27

Oh, I don't, because I'm paranoid about them.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:28

Why? I love them.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:29

That's so weird. I'm having nightmares with it.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:31

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:32

It's not about my podcast, it's about you. I'll tell you after. Anyway, yes, you're not me too. You guys. I just can't stop looking I like her. Oh, I stopped looking at it. Yeah, no, yeah, I can't tell you after. Okay. Right, um. So, how do you feel? Do you feel that it just is? Like, do you do you attach anything to all that sort of happened to you? Or do you think you'd have been as, like I was explaining, the way I see it, like that this boom, light coming out.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:57

Would I be as good as creative as good an artist kind of thing, do you think?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:00

If you wouldn't have gone through all them. Or do you think it'd be even lighter and happier? Yeah. See what I'm saying? What is your because you're clearly you're creative out there and you're living your purpose, you're doing what you should be doing. But how would that look if you wouldn't have gone through it? Is my question that's come out of the blue. That's come out of the blue. I don't know where it's come from. I love that question.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:16

It comes straight from the source, straight out. And that's how I write a lot of the time. Sometimes I write a fucking whole song, a whole verse. Sometimes I like freestyle the whole verse, record it, and I don't even know what it's about. And then I listen back and I'm like, that was so poetic and spot on to what I'm talking about. It's like it comes from somewhere else. And that's what I was gonna say. Side note, you know who some of that I am thing before? Yeah, yeah. A few years ago, in a really dark time in my life, before I'd ever heard the phrase I am, I made a little weird little guitar loop, and I sat and recorded a full length, just freestyled a whole verse, and the first it was and it was called I Am. I freestyled everyone. What's the chances of that? The lyrics in it are creepy as fog. It's like I am the past, I am the night, I am that space between your eyes, I am that space you try to hide from all that darkness in your mind. And then it's like no no, it's and then it's like I see your truth, I see your lies, um, and I'm cunning on my ties, so I'm free to follow the path that's straight before me. And it says something about um I and then and it says I see this I see the future in my dreams and hear about it in my songs. Why haven't you released that?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:27

I am because this mixtape doesn't leave forget this interview.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:35

Why is how weird is that though? That's really weird. Because I'm not releasing it yet, because this I mean this mixtape thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:40

Why aren't you releasing it?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:41

Because I I am in my next I am soon in a couple months because this is. The release, the the mixtape were just put out was literally me clearing out a load of demos and stuff that I made. Half those songs are made on the streets, like I didn't have a mic, they sound shit. They don't sound shit, but they're demos and that. So I've saved some of my favourite ones for this actual album because that was just a mixtape, that was groundwork. So I am the song is gonna be coming out as don't you feel the vibe that you're gonna go on to massive things?

SPEAKER_03 1:04:06

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:06

But you want to- I was never expecting that, I was never aiming for this.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:10

It was never I it's not- Because you're because you're in tune with because you're in tune with your purpose. But it's weird. That's your point.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:14

My because and I think I've only got it because I stay so like my whole thing, like I was never sat on the fucking, I was never sleeping in the fucking doorway doing smack thinking, oh, it'll be alright, because I'll get a record deal soon. Don't don't worry. Do you know what I mean? I was like, fuck, this is it. Like I'll make some music so I don't die just to like exp just to express myself. I spent my last pennies on a guitar when I was homeless in Sheffield because I didn't have access to my laptop. I mean I only had so little money because I'd probably spent the rest of it on fucking drugs. Do you know what I mean? But I was in my I was in a horrible relationship to have my fucking neck, dragged me around by me hair in the middle of town. No one did anything, so I was homeless. People can do that shit to you, and if you're homeless, no one gives a shit. You could someone your boyfriend could kick your head in inside the street. No one will do anything.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:58

I would, just so you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:59

Well, you'd think wouldn't you? I would as well. I would as well.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:02

Yeah. But and that's even that's that should go without saying.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:04

Yeah, I know. People I know saw it happening.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:07

I would feel very much less masculine if I watched that happen and did nothing. Even if the guy was massive enough to go and have a go and try and say that's the other meaning, it's a positive anyway.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:17

Point is point is the music thing. Like, I just it when I f when I got that message, I just stopped I'd just gone off the streets for the second time. Um, when I when the record deal com contacted me, and it w I How'd they find you?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:30

How'd that happen?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:31

Instagram. Instagram, literally, and and I I was just about to give up them. Because again, I wasn't really trying for that, and I'd been back at the end.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:37

Well they just randomly sent you sliding GDMs, if you like.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:40

Literally, they were like, Oh, do you want to come to London to talk? And I was like, Oh my god, no.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:43

Well, you were homeless when they contacted you?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:44

No, I just got off the streets. And um where are you now?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:48

In Sheffield.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:49

At the time.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:50

When they were contacted you?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:51

Um they contacted me. I I stayed at my mum's at the time, I think. Because I I can't for m for a few reasons. There's a lot of reasons I ended up homeless, like, I can't really look it's Complicated at the time I was staying at moments briefly, and they contacted me and it was going really well. It looked like it was gonna work out, and then I ended up homeless again in the streets, so it kind of fell apart a little bit, and it didn't look like it was gonna happen. Um, and then yeah, I just kept making music while I was at the end.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:16

Did you go to London then?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:17

Yeah, I went to see this. I mean I went to see them and like we talked about. How'd you get there? You wouldn't have any money.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:22

Did they?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:23

Yeah. Yeah, and I and um yeah, they're really great. So I got a £25,000 record deal. No, but obviously they don't just give you £25,000. Yeah, um but then I had a £6,000 record. That's how I got off the that's my plan. That's how I want to go on there. I want to go to that place. But anyway, fucking um that's how I got off the streets last time because I So how much money did they send you? Uh basically what we decided was six pound six thousand pounds advance, which we used to pay my rent for six months just to get me off the streets. Oh, because I could- That's got good use of the money. Literally, yeah. Well, I needed it. I was fucking living on streets with some guy that another fucking person like that. It was just a really bad situation. They saved my life.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:59

This is Nottingham now, then this flat.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:00

This happened in so I was on the streets in Bristol because the fucking guy, I I managed to get a flat, and then the guy that I was living in a flat with, fucking, I thought we were like really good mates. We started to get on, and then he turned around one day, sat me down, and basically just felt the need to tell me that he'd R-worded his ex-girlfriend. So I don't really feel safe there anymore. So I just met this guy and he was like, You can come come live with me and my auntie. So we did that. That was a stupid idea. He turned out to be a fucking horrible psychopath, as per usual. Ended up on the streets again. Bad story, and then um the record deal was still in touch, so they they were like, Look, we can help you right now, but you need like we can help you get away from him, blah blah blah. So they put me up in a hotel and London for a minute. Then we found a shared house. $7.50 we were paying for a tiny room about this size in a shared house in London. I'm paying $5.50 now in Nottingham for a room with my own kitchen and my own bathroom uh in Nottingham, about three times the size of this, massive ceilings, it's bang. And $5.50 I'm paying for that.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:58

And it's got And ironically, by the way, she's she's on the border, is it Maplin Sherwood?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:02

Mapley and Sherwood.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:03

My first childhood home was in Mapley.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:05

On Magdala Road.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:07

Patsy.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:08

Was it in in Mapley? What part? Because my dad's ex-girlfriend used to live in Upper Mapley.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:13

No, Mapley Top, that is, isn't it? No, it's Mapley Top, yeah. I was like um it's called Kenrick Road. Punchbowl pub. Big white pub, Punchbowl Pub. No.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:21

Which part is that?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:22

Mapley.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:23

No, I do you know, I don't really know Mapley that way.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:25

No, no, it's Colton Mapley. Right, I'll say that. More than Mapley Top Mapley.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:28

Is it any good?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:29

It's alright. Is it that?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:30

Yeah, I want to because I'm meant to be a anyway, I was never mind.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:33

You move it, you move in.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:34

No, no, no, but I meant to be starting to I want to start putting a monthly thing on in Nottingham, like, because I've got funding now from my label, I can put a monthly event on and I want to focus on like up-and-coming artists, underground artists.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:45

Is that what I tagged in on? It was happening in Nottingham. What? I tagged in on one that's happening in Nottingham for new artists.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:50

Yeah, they got me a show.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:52

Because I tagged you.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:53

I think is it that pink one? Was it the same one?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:55

The purple pink in the logo.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:56

Yeah. Go on! Are you gonna come watch?

SPEAKER_03 1:08:58

I tagged you in. Oh no, you have to do it!

SPEAKER_00 1:09:00

I forgot to have been so in.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:02

I don't want the glory, but was it because I tagged you in?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:03

It was Augus View. Quantum tagging went. Are you gonna come watch me?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:06

When is it?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:06

22nd, I think. Of May.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:10

Oh, do you know what I've got on holiday the next day, I think. I'll still try. It's not true. I'm not saying I'm not coming.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:15

There's but there'll be plenty of words. And uh Thank you so much for it. I know! I've got so many kids.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:22

I saw it, but I thought Neve.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:25

The fact that I live on Magdalene Road is insane to me. So Mary Magdalene. Can I talk about Mary Magdalene for a second?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:31

Do it whatever you want.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:32

Were we on something?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:33

Were we so idiot?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:34

Like, what are we? Um We're gonna watch it back and be like shit. I don't want you back.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:38

I don't want you any man back.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:39

Any of them. You edits it.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:40

Uh Rich does, Rich edits. Okay. But I then I forget.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:43

Is he watching right now?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:44

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:45

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:45

Irish, who will be there, won't we?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:46

There will be, eh?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:47

Irish.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:49

Well, no, no, we want anything. No, we we just lost. No, we just No we do the record deal bit, so they put you up, and then they pay the page of the money up front, that that bit, and then they want you to get out there as much as possible now, don't they? Obviously. They want you to get out there, don't they? I take it.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:02

But they want to. Go on then. So now well, Nottingham, obviously my home city. So any any any contacts I've got going on, oh, I can help you with. I would have. But I didn't I didn't know that guy. If you know any.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:15

If you know any like smallish, preferably like venues, that'd be good for a little under underground kind of thing every month. Not physically underground, but you know what I mean. Yeah, like because I want to You'll do a monthly one. Yeah, but it was their idea, but the way they'd have it, they'd probably want like bigger people doing it all for the money. That's not gonna happen, and it's me, so it's gonna be up and coming people. It's gonna be Yeah, well, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna use their connections for like the odd headliner to bring crowd in for the up and coming people. But like with my music, my label did kind of a little bit want me to like, you know, um work with bigger people a lot more, but that's just not what I'm about. I don't care if it takes longer for me to come on. I'm doing it because I'm working with people that I'm doing it for the lot just how we met. If someone fucking follow it's what am I doing with this? Right. If someone followed me in five light with five followers, but I love the music, I'm still gonna work with them.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:02

And if they can't always have a better outcome if that vibe's right, and that feeling.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:05

Yeah, otherwise there's no point because I was never doing music for a commercial reason.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:09

I would give you one bit of advice though. One bit of advice because you are very authentic is I got this from uh an award-winning director who I'm working with at the moment. She likes to stay on the radio, so I can't mention her name. Okay, yeah. Um so she's taught me this thing which is saying in the acting directory world. One for the bank, one for the soul, one for the bank, one for the soul, one for the bank. I like that! Ryric again.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:33

Oh my god, that was the name of a song that is.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:34

One for the bank, one for the soul. So, what they say is they should do one to help the community raise awareness, and then they should do one that earns money. Yeah. Because so that's how they do it as a creatives in that acting world. And I think what I'm saying is you should take that on board. I am. Because at the end of the day, you can help more people if you've got more money. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:50

Oh my god, the amount of time. Right, see, that's what you're doing.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:52

So but so don't just listen to listen to your record label a little bit. One for the bank, one for the soul, one for the bank. If you keep that in your mind, you're not you're balancing your karma and everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:02

I fucking love that. What you've just said as well, about as well, like um, how I can help more people if I've got more money. I've really had to think about that in loads of aspects of just like self-love, and it's so cheesy when people say you can't love anyone until you love yourself. But it really works in every single way. Because if I am a crackhead on the street, there's only so much I can do for the cause. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. So, like, I've had to, and I was I had to learn to love myself, no matter how people treat me, and put that love back into myself so I can give it back to other people in a healthy way. Because if you're just pouring out of an empty cup, which I was still giving love out, you're giving it to the wrong people, you're putting it in the wrong places, you're getting the wrong shit back.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:37

True. And I mean we said I said this is what we did the early pre-podcast we had. Yeah. I say to Dave that the universe is giving you little cheeky signs here and to get hold of and move with. And one was the the record label, obviously, which I thought was more recent than it was, but the record label I thought it was.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:50

Only six months or something.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:52

I thought it was like just oh yeah. Like the record label, and then obviously this being invited on here and these little things.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:58

I couldn't believe it, but I've been telling everyone about this. I'm I've been like Oh, buzz it.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:01

Have you? Because like I'm doing this.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:03

Oh my label knowing everything, obviously.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:05

Yeah, they followed me today.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:06

Did they?

SPEAKER_03 1:13:07

I was gonna say yes, the shout out.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:08

Shout out three thousand, yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:10

Um, you've got a good one there. And I think you because you got it's just it's a woman on the profile picture, but is it a couple or is it the woman? 3,000. Um on their profile picture, there's a woman and a man.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:20

There's a couple of accounts, it might be the main one, Tom and Caroline. Because it's run by Tom and Caroline. Yeah, well, Tom and Caroline. Alex, big up David. Big up show up, big up. Alex, oh that there's two Alex, three Alexes in that office.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:32

Yeah, me, Alex.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:33

Oh, fuck you!

SPEAKER_03 1:13:34

I'm Alex. Oh, here we go. But what I'm saying is they've got a good eye.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:38

They've got a good eye. I think they've you've got a good one there, and she's gonna do very, very well. What I was gonna ask you, no question what I'd ask you, is um this isn't about you as such as your opinion on it. Yeah. Have you come across, and this is mad, uh, we had a guy, uh, I've interviewed a guy, his podcast isn't out next, the next one along. Uh, Arms. Have you heard of Arms Cologne or not? AR Cologne Corleone. Uh A-R-M-Z. Yeah. Corleon, like a like a big ripped bodybuilder guy, black guy. No. He's really poppy, he's been doing social media for years, isn't it? Anyway, he came here, and we walked, me and him walked into Richard's office, and Rich went, listen to this. He pressed play, and it was this like deep cowboy song. We were like, no, wait, that's mad, that's brilliant, yeah. He went, it was done on an eye in 30 seconds. Right? So, have you heard of that so Sonu or Sonu, that new AI?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:21

Oh, wait, no! Oh my god. Have you heard about it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:25

So, and then it was mad, right? So then we went, in fact, I can play it. So let me play this. And this is mad.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:30

I'm like my arm.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:31

No, no, I want your opinion on it.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:33

And and what I because I believe I know, listen.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:36

We're gonna get that's what I want you to touch on because this is this is the message that oh I said arms to send it, mecause I think he had it on his right there. Okay. Where is it? I'm sure he sent it to me. I've got a sworn he sent it, is it? No. Where is he? I could have sworn I sent it. Sorry, it's very good. I wasn't gonna do this.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:03

You have to tell me about your tattoo after you're gonna.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:06

It's so weird you mentioned the tattoo though. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm having nightmares with trying to find a tattooist that isn't so creatively dramatic. Is a word I'm gonna use. Do you mind hanging on to it?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:19

No, go, go, go!

SPEAKER_03 1:15:20

Rich, I don't know if you can keep this in or not, Rich. It was up to you, but you probably will keep it in just to wind me up.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:26

Do you put the full thing out as well on YouTube then?

SPEAKER_03 1:15:29

Pardon?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:29

Do you put like the full thing out on YouTube then?

SPEAKER_03 1:15:31

Yeah, the full thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:32

When does it how long does it when does it go out?

SPEAKER_03 1:15:35

Um yours will be going out, I'll tell you after. Oh my god, where is it? That is so annoying. I'm gonna have one more try. Oh my god, get on with it. Sing me a sing a song while I'm doing this for me. Um sing a song. Over two seconds.

unknown 1:15:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:52

Sing the I am one, I am one.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:56

I am the pest, I am the night, I am that space between your mind, I am that darkness in your mind that you always try to hide. I've seen your truth, I've seen your lies, and I'm cutting all my ties, so I'm free to follow the path that's placed before me. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:17

Listen to this. We're not doing it for long, we'll just listen to the first little bit. Wait.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:28

I don't want to like it. I know. I I won't, even if it's good because it's evil.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:38

No, wait.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:43

Why is it kind of good? It's not like good, but it's just like radio music. Have they been put making fucking AI music on the radio for longer than we think? Because it just sounds like something that's been on the radio for the past fuck 10 years. It all sounds the same, don't it?

SPEAKER_03 1:16:55

But he showed me right.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:56

I don't like radio music.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:57

Because Rich is Rich has done his own full feature film. Is it? Me and Rich did a short film together. Have you seen my shop?

SPEAKER_00 1:17:03

No, I haven't. So what is it?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:04

He said to me, he went, uh, there's a week, like literally went, join a short film next week. ADHD.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:10

I want to do a short film.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:10

Wait, wait, wait, we'll get you a white. And then he went, so I've never done acting before in my life. Here's the lines, I'd a week to then I was like, fuck, and I really want to do a good job for him. So I just like intensely listen to these words every single day. I've recorded them, listened to them every day, and then we did it, uh, and it was I'll I'll tagging it after whatever. Um because on 23!

SPEAKER_00 1:17:28

23 is a fucking mad number, like it is into numerology as well.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:32

Yeah, all right, we'll talk about that in a second then. Quit there. So so he's but he's doing, he's done it, he's won 17 uh film festival awards for a short film. He just won New York and for San Francisco, Richie just met. Um and then so we did a little short film together as well. And then we're gonna do another one. I think he's gonna do another one, and then he's filming one for Algae in Nottingham. Right. So Algie's doing one. Well, I think I told you about one tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Gedney, so he's uh uh Richie's gonna be filming that pilot for Algie. Um anyway, we'll he the soundtrack for his film he's gonna do it AI for Richie's film. Yeah, I know. You could talk to him after quite, you can bollock him after. But but to be fair, he went bam baby, typed it in, right? There I wanted to sound like this, this is the lyrics, I wanted to be about this on this song, roughly, and he clicked go. That song was made in 25 seconds, AI spat that out. What does that say for the future of music?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:22

I think that says for the future of music that we're all relying very two points. When it comes to the soundtrack of a film, if you're not releasing it as music, like I don't know what he's gonna do with it or not. If it's on the if you're doing it for the soundtrack of a film, slightly different, I don't think it's as bad of a problem. However, I think we really need to have a rely, heavily rely, on just human human beings, like um moral direction and just natural feelings about AI music. Like, I'd like to think that enough people just don't want to listen to AI music.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:56

Do you think once they know?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:57

So, like that, me, my arms are we're chatting, we're saying I know that that's AI music, it completely I but I'm a musician, and even if I wasn't, I love music. So I don't know if it would affect most people or everyone, but I I know for a fact that most people, especially that love music, just knowing it's AI completely will change how how I'm listening to it. It will completely change my feelings when I'm listening to it as well.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:20

You were saying what we were saying at the time was we could get a girl or a guy, we could make the song, learn them lyrics, mate, and then you could just have yourself a uh a a front person and then people would know it's AI.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:31

People do that. Yeah, exactly, and people are gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:33

We're all gonna be duped to death in the future, aren't we? With AI. I'll fucking tell.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:36

No, because you can tell you can tell, you're just gonna have people. And do you know what? I have a I have a theory.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:40

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:40

I have not a theory, but just like a hope, I guess. That things almost the snake eats its own fucking tail with this one. Because I'm kind of hoping that things get so dis um. People crave authenticity when they're gonna be able to do it. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. That things get so fucking annoying that you really have to do, you have to choke your artists. You really do have to make sure they're authentic, make sure they're real, and that we're kind of gonna go back to a time of like the 90s and the 60s where things were like really heading that way. So if things go just that just like all the dark that's coming out now, it had to come out for the light to shine on it so that we can fucking kill it all. Yeah, I mean like fucking the way that things are going politically, like it is what it I'm hoping that at least things are gonna w like that it's gonna keep waking people up because like things have just gotten so bad that like the only thing that can happen now is the fucking snake eats its own tail. And I ha I have one more theory that I'd like to say that might be a bit controversial. But I just think that the the apocalypse and the return of Christ consciousness is gonna be through us ending, like it's gonna be the end of the times of the reign of evil and of fucking pedosinformation and like and disinformation and fucking nonsense and elites running the whole world. It's the end of that. It's the end of the dark this dark age, and Christ consciousness, as he said, is in all of us, and we have the choice whether we, you know, don't do what he's and just fucking like watch him like you know you made some woman beater. Why are you letting him do it then? Why you why I still hang around with him? Do you know what I mean? The amount of shit that I could have avoided happening to me, just if people around me didn't do nothing or didn't actively keep being c friendly with people they know were do you know what I mean? And that spreads throughout the whole world. My story is not rare or unique, which is why I'm not gonna go into it. Because I just want people to know that you're not fucking a light room, but we all need to step up right now because it's a pivotal, pivotal, pivotal time.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:43

Like I know So are you either helping humanity with positivity or you're not? Yeah, it's not a problem. It's a black and white, yes or no thing. Are you helping? Are you doing something positive?

SPEAKER_00 1:21:52

No, do it just Just like just like what's on your t-shirt.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:56

Yeah, human mass logo. There you go, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:01

You're either fucking yin yes, everything's yin, yeah, and everything's yin yang, everything's masculine, feminine, everything's balancing, but yeah, balanced, and that's why, and everything's gone wrong because just like Mary Magdalene, Mary Magdalene was the start of fucking slicing out the divine feminine and any feminine from this story, and now this huge imbalance of masculine energy has caused the patriarch to run rife, and this is what happens when the patriarchy. Sorry, go ahead. This is what happens when the patriarchy runs rife, and just in general, there is an imbalance of and a lack of feminine energy. Males should have some feminine energy, females should have some male energy, but our female energy like do you know what I mean? Just in the world, the female energy has just been siphoned, destroyed, like demonized, and now we're watching the result of that pan out in all these wars, in all this look at like the Epstein files. That is the exact perfect example of patriarchy just like and just overrun male energy. There's nothing wrong with masculine energy. If there was too much female energy, if it had happened to go the other way, then we'd recite it back before saying the opposite thing. It's not a fault of masculine energy, it's a fault of the imbalance of it and like just the power that it comes. The the elite, like we all have the same fucking common enemy, don't we really? And this is the thing as well with the immigrant thing, like all this hate that's been spewed, they they want to divide and conquer. We all have a similar energy enemy, the same people that like they are escape. The people that are escaping wars, those wars were caused by the same people that are the reason that we are we can't afford to help them. Do you know what I mean? So if we all kind of just spread a bit of love and wasn't so judgmental, I I know it's not as simple as that. I know it's not.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:44

I'm I really do, but yeah, I get what you're saying without diving into common energy. I get what you're saying without diving into the because I know in my head, I think what the listeners might be saying, so I know like the mood of the people would be they're not escaping well, they're coming economic migrants around it, and they'd be jumping all over you. That's not her message, it's not what you're saying is just generally be good, be nice where you can. And with that, again, there's a balance. Don't forget. Exactly. If these one being hurt or dragged through a street or exactly men, we need you right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:14

We fucking need you. We don't not need men, we don't hate men, we just need you to to you know be and it's not, and this is the thing, it's such a fucking shame because it's a mix of society, like teaching women to be a certain way, teaching men to be a certain way, you know. They do fucking a lot of you don't really stand much of a chance to not be a little bit of a no-bird because you're told to be your whole lives. You're told not to feel, you're told not to, you're told not to feel, you're told not to care. Do you know what I mean? And that's not people's faults. So, you know, the strongest, most like oppressive thing a man can do is be like you, be a good man, and like help us where we need it and like help rebuild this world. There has to be women, we us women, we need to give them sympathy to where it's deserved, back and forth. And I think there needs to be also a conversation about, like I say, just about the fact that it's not just women that are victims of this sort of thing. Because that when a when a man, and I've seen it so many times, can go through something so traumatic and lonely, but then they really have to internalise that shame in this society, and I'm made to, that can create a monster.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:20

But then I think going back again, looping, looping back again again to what you were saying about the the way that we deal with trauma or mental health can be done if you're looking at other countries the way they do the same. Because I I don't guess we're all humans, so if it's working with them humans, why wouldn't it work with these humans?

SPEAKER_00 1:25:36

Over here, once say that when they feed me full of fucking cyopene, they're not helping me. What's type in? Um, cotyopene is an antipsychotic. They're not helping me, they were silencing me because it was annoying. They didn't want to deal with it. If you have ADHD or anything, that means you're neurodivergent and less able to just work nine to five and follow along the rap rap race, you're annoying to them. You're you're less prod you're you're making less money for capitalist. You're just anti-capitalist without even wanting to be. You're naturally us, so they want to fix that. They want to change that, tell you that you're wrong, tell you that you need fixing, and then that is it any wonder that we're all fucking mentally ill when we're fed guilt and shame constantly through religion and capitalism. Fucking hell, sometimes I sound kind of clever, don't I?

SPEAKER_03 1:26:20

It's slow, don't you? Yeah. Quantum entanglement. You didn't even go down that road. We said it, but you didn't go down it. This is what it is. And then uh there was someone that a guest said once, which is about um which you kind of get. So we're saying this, because I I'm Am I really red?

SPEAKER_00 1:26:33

I just feel really warmed.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:34

I told you not in here, didn't I? I said to you.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:35

Do I look really red? No, you okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:37

You look fantastic and you're not boring. And um the he was saying, which you kind of get. Because I'm what I'm doing is trying to uh spread self-awareness. Right? That's my little my little carve that way.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:48

Sorry, I feel like I could have gone stayed more on that topic in the one.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:51

Which one?

SPEAKER_00 1:26:51

Just the whole um what you well that sort of thing. Which one?

SPEAKER_03 1:26:55

The quantum self-awareness.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:56

Um yeah, and stuff. I went off a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:00

It's all perfect as it's meant to be.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:02

I've really got it.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:02

It's all perfect as it's meant to be. Um, but what I was going to say to this is asking your point on this. So I'm carving out my little word of the internet on self-awareness, yeah? Because if people just start to think more like, who am I? and da da da and da da da and da da da and why do I act like that and why do I do that? And all these things, and they can't. Drop the ego, but yeah, and they can drop the ego. You need ego sometimes, but to drop the ego, you could delve, you could delve into psychology, psychedelics, you can do Reiki, spirituality, religion, numerology, sound therapy, there's millions of millions you can go down.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:32

Everything you just said, I want to talk about.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:33

Yeah, there's all the things you can go down, all the different roads, right? But the point is, what someone was saying was the thing is, like you were saying, then go to go back to what you said about capitalism and stuff, is it we're so people are so like this is the the the thing that I used like, oh god, I've got to get to work, gotta go, gotta pay the bills, gotta pay the bills, gotta pay the bills. And they're just so close, it's so hard for them to look up and help anybody else because they're so trapped in their own forced bubble, I suppose. And and spot so I kind of get that. Do you? Do you know what I mean? But it's why you should always, that's why I said I'll post today, actually. Just do one small thing. Tiniest. People look at a goal, a massive mountain, and then become overbeared, overbearing. Overbeared? Overbird?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:12

Overbever overbeared. It can be b overburdened or overbearing.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:16

Overbeared. By the by look by the scale ahead of where you want to get to. Yes, I but you should just do one little thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:22

I saw an ADHD, someone talking about ADHD, how we see things. Like if we say we look at all the things in front of us, we see them like that, all the things like that, instead of one thing at a time. And I really think. If you met me now, you should have seen me fucking years ago. Really? No, but but like um patience is just a massive thing. But it's just hard when, especially if you've got trauma and like you like everyone has got their own different traumas. If you expect everything to keep going wrong, then like you've constantly got you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:56

That's your nervous system thinking shit shit, shit. What's next, what's next, what's next.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:59

Yeah, and even if you've just got ADHD and are used to kind of like self-tabitaging, you start to do that anyway. And it's everything is a sample.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:05

How are you dealing with your like I don't I don't want to make you I don't want to put that like negative vibe on you like get off? Do you know what I mean? But how are you dealing? Are you not how are you dealing with it? Is it just positive have you still got that? Do you still get a bit of PTSD nervous energy about about the past? Or do you just see the future now?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:22

Or no, but I mean, so basically I said that question right. Yeah, no, that was that's that was great. I uh I struggle daily, I'll be honest. But however, not in the same way that I used to, and it's only struggle in a way that you know I regardless of my trauma, I have ADHD. Supposedly, I have borderline personality disorder, but that I believe that that's just complex PTSD. Because so much happened to me over an extended period of time, like what we talked about is just the tip of the iceberg. So obviously, like when someone experiences trauma after trauma after trauma, no break in between, especially like abusive relationships, it doesn't just traumatise you from one thing, it just changes your whole outlook on life, yourself, mostly how you see yourself, because you're just getting bully feel that do you know what I mean? Whatever, point is But you love yourself now. But now, over time, I I would say I love myself now. Um I'm not on um psychiatric medication, but I am still on the medication that you take to get off heroin. It's drugs that have really continued things for me. Like my life is great right now compared to what I was six months ago, but the drugs followed me because of the trauma I did. And I'd say I used to think to myself. I used to think to myself, and and because I just struggle with my head mentally, like I'm too much. I am feel too much, so I try and suppress it. For the people a lot of the time for other people, for myself, but obviously the drugs don't work, they just make it worse, you know, after a while, anyway, don't they? So, and if you self- this is another thing. I I've ruined drugs for myself, a lot of them. If I had started off by self-medicating with a little bit of mushrooms, then it might be alright, but now I've got to be extremely careful that I don't tip myself into a fucking psychotic episode because of what I've done to my brain. But a lot of people it that helps. Like it really does, like, especially yeah. I would say that 100% um being trauma's weird because it's one of them ones where like a lot of the time you'll think you're alright, you forget things, and then it can be when things get calm that it all hits you. Like I have not stopped, my life has not stopped. I've been honor I've been so surfing on enough since I was 14, I've not been sober for more than a week since I mean on enough since I was 17, not been sober for more than a week since I was 14, really, apart from when I got sectioned. And then even then they got drugs in yantly.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:48

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:48

I was fucking more of my head than when I was outside. And then I fucking like just been this constant thing after the other. So then when things suddenly go silent, you know, you just wash doing the dishes and something you remember something that you didn't even know you'd forgotten. And that can be one of the hardest parts because your brain goes, Oh, I'm safe now, it's safe to stop dissociating.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:08

You want to deal with this? Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:10

Yeah, I've been I've been saving this for you. Yeah, in it, I've been saving this for you now, John and now, in it literally. Um but but if you can it's so easy to just go, oh, to just deal with it with drugs or unhealthy.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:24

What do you do then if that thought comes in washing up or whatever?

SPEAKER_00 1:32:29

Well, drugs until not long ago, until that's well, that's not true, because the thing is I'm so used to it that I'm quite good at therapeuting myself, therapising myself. I'm just quite self-aware, like I understand that's not always a good thing though, because sometimes you can think you're better than you are because you understand what's happening, but it doesn't mean you do anything about it, you're just aware. But um, I don't know, I'm just so used to I'm just sensitised stuff, but that's the thing, I like um I'm I don't know. I am a very positive person, like throughout everything, somehow I've always known there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Even when I've like tried felt like giving up, part of me's been like it's whenever I've like felt suicidal or whatever, it's been an impulsive thing, and and it's never been I don't think things are gonna get better.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:14

Have you attempted it before?

SPEAKER_00 1:33:16

Yeah, once. Well it's complicated, but it's never been I don't I never think things are gonna get better. It's been I can't deal with what's happening right now. I don't care if it's gonna be better tomorrow. Yeah. But right now, what I'm feeling is too much. And I haven't felt like that in a long time. Cool.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:32

But it's just like you haven't meditated or meditated.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:35

That is something that I'm really, really starting to do more. Yoga, I fucking love it, but I have to like the hardest thing with meditation for us. Oh my god, it's so hard for me.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:46

It's just that hard because your brain's going to stop working, fuck this. And it's that's not how this is. Yeah, loose. You get through that minute, and everything that comes towards you, just go, thank you. That's it, that's what you have to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:57

Uh you are I am not my thoughts. That's what it's doing, like step away.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:00

They've got their own version of it. Either say thank you or say it's not my thoughts, or someone said they're clouds or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:05

I like that.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:05

You're having whatever works for you. Do you know though that you can kind of put an owl on the front of the thought and fuck it off? An owl takes it.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:11

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:12

An owl grabs it and takes it away. That would be really good, I'd be like, that would be quite cool, wouldn't it?

SPEAKER_00 1:34:16

And I'll say thanks, Buta.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:17

Yeah, thanks, Buddha. Thanks, Buddha. Bang that.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:20

But um, you can be in a flow state while you meditate, so you can actually like you like they say that you can. Sometimes when you walk, though, like I I I like going on walks. I'm a very active person, so especially if I'm a bit manic and I want to go on a walk, I'll meditate while I'm walking. And you can kind of do that. You don't have to be so.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:35

Someone told me once that's why I smoke. I've been smoking since I was 11.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:38

Do you smoke weed?

SPEAKER_03 1:34:39

No, I used to when I was like 12, 13, but no, I don't, I don't.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:41

Yeah, it's not the same now anyway.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:42

I don't, isn't it? Yeah, no, I thought that as well. That's why uh, fucking psychosis, mate. But um, but the um someone said to me it was my version of meditation, it forces me to go and have a minute. It's a ritual, it's rituals. I remember when I quit smoking once, I worked, I worked, I've always worked hard. I worked even harder. And I I couldn't think of, you know, if I was doing 100 hour weeks, I'm now doing 120 hour weeks. Right. I love that. When having a sm having a smoke made me just go.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:06

Right. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:07

It made you have a minute, it forces you to have a minute. And we need that.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:10

Definitely. Do you want so just smoking cigarettes?

SPEAKER_03 1:35:12

It's just well. You should do your own podcast, you've got to go asking questions. I know! I'll tell you about my podcast. Has anyone ever podcasted you? It's about you.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:22

Has anyone podcasted you yet? Can I podcast you sometime? Can I please? It'll be so fun. Please.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:28

But it's funny, isn't it, mate? Because I'm happy to talk about everybody else, but I'm quite a secretive about myself. That'd be quite enjoyable. I'm sure you get it out of me, it'd be fine.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:33

I will.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:34

We'll do a group one. I'll have all the past guests, and we'll have to have a mash a mashup of conversations across the table.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:39

That'd be so interesting. That would be a great networking experience.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:42

It would be cool, wouldn't it? I am because it's about you, not me. Uh, at the moment. Uh well, there's two things I was gonna say to you then. One is, I was gonna say to you, it's always like the end of the tunnel, like you said, you're not in a tunnel anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:55

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:55

You're not in a tunnel. That's what I thought.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:57

Tell myself my brain thinks I am.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:59

You're not in a tunnel.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:59

My brain thinks I am.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:01

This need right now isn't going through anything. This need right now is safe and okay. This need right now is on podcasts and he's performing. This need right now is is gonna help a lot of people. This need right now, this need right now is is all that matters. This need right now. That's really helpful. It's true though, isn't it? There is no tunnel to get through. When them thoughts come in your head, them them thoughts of things that have I I I know exactly what you mean because I've I I come up with some random, I'll go, fucking hell. I saw a mate from Nottingham and he said, Do you remember you I don't know, did something bad or violent or whatever? I was like, I can't even remember.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:34

Yeah, you barely. I can't even remember.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:36

Yeah, I still can't remember. He just told me what happened, I still can't remember it.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:39

That the feelings that that caused at the time, they still affected your body and still sortness away, whether you remember it or not. And that's why I really want to get into somatic therapy. And um, so somatic is um body, like is like physical, so like somatic therapy. I love dancing, right? Free parties, I think that the reason that they hate free parties, legal waves, is because repetitive beats, the law is actually against repetitive beats being played all together. And because what they don't want is a group of happy people connecting to repetitive beats on the grass, healing themselves. So that's what you're doing. But anyway, somatic therapy, it can include dancing, shaking, because different traumas stored in different parts of your body.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:20

That's what you've seen a dog after he's got your energy, it'll go shake.

unknown 1:37:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:24

But animals do it, and just shake the energy off.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:26

I do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:26

Yeah, I do. I've got to do it. And I'm not sure. I've done it in it. Yeah. Because it's good if you get a thought or a feeling, just shake it off. Just shake it off. Yeah. That's what animals do. You'll see an animal, shake it off.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:36

And they're shake it off the nervous system, they're not letting it stay with their nervous system, they're going, right, that's that's it. Exactly. I'm in the moment, I'm in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:42

The seizures that I have, um, that other people have as well, they think that they can be caused by trauma. And I believe that it's because of if you've been through like certain things, or I don't know, it's caused different things for everyone, but I think um mine is probably from like if you dissociate so much and you force yourself not to express what's happening to you, react to what's going on to your body around you, then you're holding it in, it's gonna go.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:03

I think one of the biggest traumas is we probably might not even dealt with, is you having to suppress who you are for other people. 100%. I think that's one of the biggest ones. I know you've had lots of stuff happen to you, and and they are absolutely traumatic, by the way. I'm not taking that away, but I'm saying just having to suppress who you are in your soul is quite a big thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:17

Definitely, because as well, that that's not anymore.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:19

No more. Not anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:20

I can't anymore. And I tried I tried very well, but the thing is as well, uh it's been a mixture of both of them because that obviously is a massive trauma, but also trauma has been caused by the fact that between me trying to do that, I also haven't been able to, and people don't like that. People have caused me trauma because I have I have been myself at times, and it's like get back down.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:42

People don't like it.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:43

Like, literally, one time however that looks like one time in my fucking hometown. Like, can I tell a quick story? Because we're just one down.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:50

Oh, we've run over. Oh have we? Rich's gonna tell me off. Go on, tell this story. Tell the story.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:54

Okay, one last story is just the perfect example of how I've never stopped being me. During all that darkness that was happening to me, and I was being fucking set up and whatever, like dark times. I was still staying myself. This one night, some guy was at an after party, and he he kept trying it on me, and I kept saying, fuck off. Next day I found out that he was best mates with someone I knew at the time who turned out to not be a great person, but he told me this guy had a pregnant fiance, right? And he's trying it on with me. So I said, You need to say something to him, or her, even better, right? If I was her, I'd want to know. And he goes to me, don't you dare say anything, you better keep it yourself. And I'm thinking, what? Because he was proper trying to, and he's got a pregnant fiance at home. So next day happens, and um Saturday, I go to the local pub, might have had a drink or two, but already by this point, and lo and behold, God put him right there for me, quantum entangled right there for me, synchronised. He was sat in the pool room, right in the middle, surrounded by everyone. So I just called him out in front of everyone. And who got in trouble?

SPEAKER_04 1:39:58

You.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:58

Me. No one told his missus, no one even said a fucking word to him. Three people fell out with me, I got a right fucking earful off it. And that's a minor example, but that's just no pet that's just sums up how I used to be. Like, well, I didn't care, I still would have done it, I'd do it again now.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:13

Because you're your that's what I'm saying. I think your next step is to help people, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 1:40:16

It is, it has to be that's my purpose in life. I cannot have been do everything I have to not do that. And I tried there have been times I've tried, especially I've been with guys who have been like, oh, can you stop going on the right trauma now? And I've like, I'll try. Really? But oh, all the time, they don't like it, they've blame me for it, they've told me that I belong to those people. I've had some again, different podcasts, but but fucking like I've never been able to stop. It's like no matter what I've done, God has followed me, telling me this is your mission. And I know that it is, and so I won't show up. Yeah, cool.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:46

Don't show up, don't ever show up. Yeah. Um, right, we're gonna be up. Sorry. We could do this right, we could do another two hours. Um so I'm gonna try and wrap this up.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:55

Um, I'm not gonna guess star sign because I tried that earlier and Mike's told me after.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:58

You already know.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:59

No, there's rising sign, we're gonna check after it. Um so just quickly, I'll try and guess. Sorry, Mike. Uh try and guess uh your numerology life path number. Oh. Do you know what it is?

SPEAKER_00 1:41:10

I actually don't.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:10

Oh, we'll do that after as well, then. Yeah, can we? Yeah, I'll do that after. Um, I'm gonna go for an 11 or 33. Okay, that's that. So we'll have a look after is a business of master numbers. They are master, like very rare. Um, and last last question, but you'd have to keep it.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:24

Can I can I guess your number quick? 16.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:27

No, you do because you have to understand the life path numbers.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:29

Oh, yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:30

Weirdly enough, though, you're really close. Because my because I've got there's two life path numbers. Anyway, I'll tell you after that. Right, because one is like the day you were born, and one is like what it all adds up to.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:38

I think I've done it before, but I can't fucking remember it.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:39

I'll get after so you know the question at the start, who are you? Oh yeah. Yeah, it was a really horrible question to ask people, I know. Right, but you can think about that because it all just melt in your brain whenever the next few years. Oh no, you gave that really good answer, didn't you? Yeah, I did! I forgot about that. Couldn't say it again. But this other one is a tip like the same sort of vibe of the question. But I think we know that as well now, really. Uh, is what do you want?

SPEAKER_00 1:41:59

What do I want? I want fucking just peace. Oh, it sounds so cheesy. I do just in my life, I just want peace, I want stability now. I do love the chaos, and all chaos will just find me no matter what. Like, I won't even have to fucking try, but I would like to for my to like peace myself a bit. I just need to stabilize myself, want to love myself, keep loving myself, and I want to pour into everyone around me. I just want to help bring it back, bring up the community. Anything that I get given, any love that I get given, opportunities I get given, I am so fucking blessed and grateful for that I just want to help spread grow like a tree's roots into the earth, and like my slim network, and just like spread my energy of positivity to everyone around me.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:41

I love that. I love that. I know you were saying it with a little bit of like thinking thinking, but uh you mean it. I do mean it!

SPEAKER_00 1:42:50

I forgot where I was for a second there. Do you mean that?

SPEAKER_03 1:42:53

And then you're gonna help people.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:55

Um all at the same time. But all together. At the same time.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:59

Can we um as we end it? Can you lean back on your chair with a microphone and give it a fuck you for me?

SPEAKER_00 1:43:04

Fuck you.

SPEAKER_03 1:43:06

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 1:43:06

Yeah, big up coolest case. Yeah, just bring up Alex, bring up the big up just um Rich. And yeah, I'm just just yeah, that's it really. Love you bye. Love you bye.