JIMMY ROCHE I SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT

What happens when the biggest battle you ever fight is with your own mind?

This week on The Human Mask, I sat down with Jimmy Roche, a military veteran whose life has been shaped by trauma, mental illness, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, multiple suicide attempts, and a relentless search for redemption.

Jimmy speaks openly about living with schizophrenia, how it has changed the way he sees the world, and why he’s dedicated to trying to put right the mistakes of his past. His perspective on human behaviour is unlike anything we’ve explored before—raw, uncomfortable, and deeply thought-provoking.

We also discuss what happened after his appearance on another major podcast, where Jimmy believes his story was misrepresented, giving him the opportunity to explain his side and set the record straight.

Whether you agree with Jimmy or not, this conversation challenges assumptions about mental health, accountability, forgiveness, and what it really means to understand another human being.

If this episode makes you think, please subscribe, leave a comment, and share it with someone who values honest conversations about what it means to be human.

#TheHumanMask #MentalHealth #Schizophrenia #Veteran #SelfAwareness #HumanBehaviour #Podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to the Human Mass Podcast. Today I have got Jimmy Roach. He doesn't need introduction. When you see him, you will know who he is. Now, the start of the Human Mass Podcast has a set format, is always the same. And if you've watched regularly, you'll know what it is. This podcast is going to be slightly different. We're going to start the podcast where Jimmy is going to own the first five or ten minutes of this podcast. But we are still going to interlay, if you like, the human behaviour aspects of the world, which is obviously the way I am. And then after, once we've got this bit done, we will then go fully into from the start, as normal, for the human mass podcast. So welcome, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Thank you very much. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_04 0:44

No, thank you very much.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Thank you for giving me platform to uh get stuff off my chest for.

SPEAKER_04 0:50

Now, before you start then, uh, I'm not gonna ask that question. That's that's you know what questions come. He knows what questions coming. Uh is I was uh self-thinking about this, what you're about to speak about, this bit. And in my head, I was thinking, somebody like Jimmy, and I'm similar, I just don't care what people think, I'm not bothered. And um, people will know your past, we don't need to go fully into the gory details. People know your past. It's all out there, it's all out there. But I was thinking, what what a a trait it is to think, you know what, I don't care what anyone thinks, but injustice is injustice and lies are lies, and and and that need as a human, completely whatever that human is, and whatever that human's past is, it's in us to say, no, that's not right. And I and I want to hear it. And I just thought I'd just give you that before. Because I don't want people to think this is a case of um like a sour grapes thing. It isn't. That is not his intention behind this, it isn't a sour grapes thing. It is a sometimes the world needs correcting. It's it's a it's an inch. So uh I give you the floor, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Give me the floor. Where do I start?

SPEAKER_04 1:52

Where do you start? Do you want me to prompt you for the start, Jimmy? Okay, while he's drinking. So Jimmy had a podcast with a uh a famous podcaster. I don't know how if he's gonna say his name or not, so it's up to Jimmy. Um, and in this particular podcast, um go on, Jimmy. You did you feel how did you feel? Go on.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Well, I fit well, I felt um very comfortable. I was made to feel very comfortable. Um I've I thought his intentions were were good. Um, but after, I mean, uh this is what I'm gonna come to in a minute. Two years, over two years after, it wasn't the intention, it was a complete different attention. Now, I wasn't gonna say a word about anything because um my life's very private. Um, I've I'm on no social media, I'm not on any platforms, I'm not trying to get famous, I'm not um um, I was I've been offered film deals um from Terry Stone, I've been offered um documentaries. Um I could have taken it all away if I wanted to go down them roads, but I'm quite happy with my life and and um not well happy on the surface. Yeah, I'm not no I'm I'm happy where I am in my life. I'm not saying I'm happy all the time, which I'm gonna come to in great, great detail um uh as we go on. Um, but I'm sort of balanced and I don't I'm not one of them people who's gonna be um I don't want to be putting content out all the time and I'm not a social media person. I'm I'm just I stay in the shadows, I always have the normal life.

SPEAKER_04 3:35

So and and and this these two years you've had to see and and watch your name.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Get besmirched, yeah. My good name get besmirched and dragged through the mud. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:46

So I've today I've And you feel betrayed then, I take it as the right way to put it.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Absolutely betrayed by someone who I thought was a friend. Uh um, even called me a friend, which I'm gonna prove in a minute. Um I've I've got value for you. I mean, I this is not my words, this is his words, and so I can say them all now, but then it's gonna take the emphasis over that. Um I kept my mouth shut for a long time, and I was quite happy to keep my mouth shut because I don't really speak to anyone, I haven't got any friends, I've I'm quite recluse. Um, I haven't uh I'm gonna come to all that in a bit, but there was a clip that I saw, and you know what, it was the light bulb moment because I couldn't work out why someone would do morally why someone would do that to another human being, especially when they've been invited round as a guest, and or and and and I've I've I've opened up like I'm gonna do to you today, not do to you, I'm gonna um I'm I'm gonna open up the um the thing is um Alex as well is that everyone keeps saying that you should talk more, men should talk more. I think I was a bit too truthful on that podcast. Um and I I wasn't reined in when I when he said if if if if you're going off on one, I can pull you back. I've got your back, brother. I'm I'm gonna look after you, you're in safe hands, which I'm gonna prove all this. I mean, I'm not I've not just come here with um words this time, I've come here with receipts, and uh I'm just pointing out the dangers of bad podcasting, if you if you want to call it that.

SPEAKER_04 5:38

I think it's the same with any relationship or any human you come across in your life, and it's so easy you mean to be manipulated. We've been talking for a bit. We've been talking for a bit, me and you. Um just to context behind it. Jimmy um contacted me. He's been offered podcasts lots since. But and and and and Jimmy messed you messaged me, didn't you? You got a vibe, and you thought, you know what? I want to chat to you, didn't you? And then we we had those chats.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Do you know what it was? It was the Luke Dyson one. The Luke Dyson one. I mean, I like Luke Dyson. He's uh I've I've I've I don't follow him or anything like that, but he pops up on my YouTube and um I do you know what he's he's he's doing his best, he's he's he's he's fighting he's getting it takes balls to jump in that ring, and the way you you humanized him and the way and like even when he was getting upset or whatever, I can I I I said this in other podcasts, I can look into people's souls and I can see a good person. Uh sometimes um I've I mean I've I've made a massive mistake with with the dozen, definitely massively. Um, but I'm gonna prove all this um in a minute. Before we go any further, um I want to clear something up. Um so the first thing I want to clear up is I've bought receipts. I mean, the a lot of it, um, I mean, people's gonna hate me, people's gonna like me. It's you can make your own mind up. It does it doesn't really matter to me, but um I've bought receipts today, and I've shown you, I mean, um now when I'm gonna say this to you, um, you've seen seen the the the letter I've got off the MOD. Um so I applied for my military records. I've had them since 2024. It comes under the what? What did it come under?

SPEAKER_04 7:31

The sensitive uh yeah, the the government uh secrets thing or whatever it was. Yeah, I can't fit.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

What I was interested in it's not more a secret, it was I mean I can't remember, but it what I did what I was bothered about.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

It gave your regiment number, it said it addressed you as Sergeant Um Mercer, yeah. You're doing that, yeah. Sergeant Mercer. Yep. Obviously, we've introduced him as Roach, and that's I don't know if that's gonna you know. And saying they will not give him his own records. I've seen that letter, yes. Right, okay. So yes, I have.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

So so so in in in doing that, that's that's proof enough. And all this bravado of um what regiment I was in, I'm gonna stand by what I said in the first instance that um I've got respect uh for the regiment I was in. Uh all this bravado of uh what where I was, what I was doing, and what what regiment I was in, um you can clear that up. Just a yes and no answer. Um all this stuff that's been said, I'm not, am I?

SPEAKER_04 8:42

From what I've seen, yeah. It says that you were a serving uh, what is it, a veteran. You call it a veteran now, wouldn't you? Because you're not there, yeah. So you were in you were in the army based on what I've seen. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:54

Um what I was gonna say to you was that you've got something that you showed me. The bit that's triggered this is he was he was alright with it. But it was when are we saying the guy he's saying his name? Lou. The the podcaster. Liam, yeah. So Liam Liam Tuff's um what's triggered it for Jimmy is Liam Tuff was sat in front of Aunt Middleton. Um, and that's what it was this video, which I'm sure Jimmy's gonna share. I'm gonna play it that triggered it for Jimmy. Uh but Liam, what it was as well was Liam uh put a note, he's got one note that's on here as well, saying that Liam had verified uh himself by two serving uh veterans that you were there. So he'd verified that before you got on the podcast, he's put in a comment somewhere, didn't he? And then he's then he's on with Aunt Middleton changing that story, and that's what's that's what's triggered this, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 9:41

Dane Well is called a liar. Um I'm not a liar. One thing about me, I mean, my dad's dying of cancer at the minute. Um my dad's dying of cancer, not it's minute, but um he's like seven years, he's had it seven years, he's just gone into a saliva valve. He's not a wow man, um, he's been a hero addict all his life. He lied to me so many times that in the end I just I couldn't take any more of his lies. I find it insulting to lie. I'm not a liar, um, but uh so this is I feel very strongly about um liars and I've got bashed, and it was a it was a real hatchet job what the dozen done on that. It was a hatchet job, simple as that. Um Liam got called out, he couldn't take the backlash what he was getting. He was protecting his podcast, which I get, but all he had to do is approach it in the right way, which he which he certainly didn't. All he done was sort of chucked me under the bus, gave me to this, I don't know, this fucking these he stole pictures off my Instagram, then he's um then he's um given it to these fucking Walter Mittie Club or wherever it is. Um they said I was in prison, imprisoned in uh in tw um 2019 when I mean I can verify I was I got married in 2020 for for heroin. I've never been done for heroin in my life. Um that's just it's just it's just bullshit lies and whatever. So I'm not trying I'm not listening I'm not bashing um veterans, I'm not bashing anyone. Um if anything, um I'm I'm gonna um I I don't blame 'em. I don't blame them. If you're getting told something uh by someone that you think you respect or whatever, then you're gonna go with what they're telling you. So I've got so much hate, but I don't hate them. Because that they're getting told something. So they they're getting told something to so they think that they they're taking they're taking words and and making it truth. So it's a witch hunt is what that is, isn't it? Yeah, it's called a witch hunt, and I it didn't make me feel good.

SPEAKER_04 12:02

Um I mean But you're all right with it until until Liam said it down middleton.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

I'll be honest with you, right? I wasn't alright with it. No, not alright with it, but yeah, no, yeah. But I mean, I've got this here. I don't know where which way's the camera. There's one there. Well it's it's Do you want me to show it? Private and confidential, yeah. And if you show that letter, now hang on.

SPEAKER_04 12:24

Do you want me to read it a bit of it instead?

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Hang on, this is uh this is the one. Two sorry I've got all this paperwork.

SPEAKER_04 12:36

I've seen the one from the Ministry of Defence, I've seen it, and it addresses your sergeant mercer, and I've seen it. Um hang on two seconds.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Sorry, I had all this done. That's right. This is it, this is it. Wait, AWP, this is an NHS letter. Let me just stick that out and I'll read it. Just put it in front of that and then give it your back. Just so we're all clear on what it says. I mean, this I've done this is after the podcast. Um, Liam knew that I've got serious mental health issues, which um I'm gonna come into obviously later on in this podcast. Um James has reported a history of five past suicide attempts, mostly being within the last week. This is in all going back to August. I'm not um I am gonna do you know what? I am gonna lay it on his at his door because uh he knew what he was doing. Um he knew I had mental health issues, and he'd certainly I don't like I don't like two-faced people that that that say say one thing and do another thing, or call me a friend and not be a friend.

SPEAKER_04 13:49

Did he just dump you said I'm there for you, then just dumped you.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

Is that is that I could that's a fair assumption, definitely. Do you know what I mean? But uh we were talking for a long time with friends. He told me stuff about his missus. Um, I mean, I could go into a lot of stuff, private stuff that he told me, but I'm not like I said that he's just a ruthless businessman, but portrays himself as a patriot, a man of honour, a man that I've got your back, and all this sort of stuff, which I'm gonna prove in a minute. And like it's five suicide attempts, there's history of deliberate self-harm, most recently within the last year, James Report's experience in infrequent episodes, thoughts of um self-harm, suicidal, suicidal ideation. Uh had a clear plan to overdose on heroin last week, but due to lack of skills and preparation, the plan film I've never done heroin before in my life, but I did I did I remember that day I was very down. And I'd um don't take yourself back there now. No, no, no, it's fine, because I'm just I I wanted to like um so Mr. Mercer was struggling to communicate his needs, but after listening to him for a while, I mean these people have pulled it all up anyway. Um so we'll ask him some direct questions, he was able to discuss his needs. He reportedly had um had a dishonourable discharge from the army. He has been in the army for nine years. Now, when I say nine years, I said 13 on the other one. Now, so two of them was in jail in the glasshouse, MCTC, and uh say about eight months, nine months, or whatever it was, I'm not I mean um whatever it was. Uh I'm gonna come back to I'm gonna if I go off on a tangent, then tell me. But so uh in nine years of the army, so that's that's right, that's about right, because I was because two years that was that. So I wasn't uh soldier at the time. After discharge, he struggled with his mental health and tried to get support uh from army personnel, but didn't get the support. He started self-medicating. This is another thing I want to come on to to deal with his mental health. He has been used, um he has used all sorts of drugs that could get they could get off the black market, including morphine and benzos. I'm still in recovery for that now. Uh the last couple of years he's decided to come off these drugs and get involved with CGL, which has been brilliant for me. Um, and they have taken charge of my prescription now, and they're basically trying to um wean me off. I mean, here it's got, I mean, I take 50 milligrams of uh cotyopine in the morning, um, which is for the schizophrenia. I've got schizophrenia, norodiversity, ADHD, uh, CPTSD, um, and ADHD. One thing I'm gonna say as well, before we go any further, is I'm heavily sedated all the time. I take very strong antipsychotic drugs. So um if I get my wording wrong or I make a few mistakes along the way, don't judge me or take it. It's just that I'm I mean, I'm in a sense It means you lot, I won't judge you. I mean I mean I'm just here to just try and change people's minds about me because I just don't want to be the the person that come along and just told a load of that's that's what I'm portrayed as at at the at the moment. But I'm gonna prove today, I'll prove to you already, but it comes under the sensitive act. Absolutely. You've seen it, you've seen it, you've seen it. I have so it just proves who I exactly who I said I was. I didn't say I was a sergeant major. If I mean if you're gonna do podcasting, for fuck's sake, uh do your due diligence first. A sergeant major, I'd never said I was a sergeant major at all. If you want to go back and have a look.

SPEAKER_04 17:53

I'm confused about because Liam said on a comment you showed me that he did check, didn't he? So on the one of the comments you showed me.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

I think I'd like to show you that as well.

SPEAKER_04 18:01

That's what that's what I'm confused about the whole thing, you see. That's what confuses me.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Well, it's um He's put on this comment. He said that he's um Do you mean to read it? Yeah, I don't think you'll be in.

SPEAKER_04 18:10

Is that the one?

SPEAKER_00 18:11

And read that one first.

SPEAKER_04 18:13

That's and then the comment after is that's the the Yeah, uh I invited Jimmy back for a part two to dive deeper into his military past. Before the interview, I met someone who'd served with him. So that made him qualified to tell his story. Um if anything has been embellished, I'll go through it with a fine-tooth comb in the next interview.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Um read all of that.

SPEAKER_04 18:43

Um this conversation was to skim over his life purposely to make way for a more detailed part two. If he's lied about his military, I will call him out and publish his lies. But if what he's saying is true, I'll make a point of respectfully thanking him for his service. I require paperwork, eyewitnesses, and tangible medals. I would never disrespect our armed forces by knowing knowingly allow allow me on the show. So until he's back for his part two, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Rest assured, I'm not silly. Um I don't need a lecture about my integrity to the show. Hang on.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

So someone's commented underneath.

SPEAKER_04 19:16

Oh, sorry, yeah. So he must yeah, sorry. So someone's commented then, so he must have served alongside him. If you have any integrity to your viewers, you will name him so he can send it to the name this is name the two people that he's seen. Um and then he put, I don't need a lecture about integrity from you, my old mate. He was vouched for by two people in person, one of which said they'd served together and go back years. Um he may he may he may well have been brought to the meet under duress. I wouldn't know for sure. So I wouldn't be giving his name out even if I had it.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Right, so he didn't even so he doesn't even know his name. So uh and I'm I'm telling you now.

SPEAKER_04 19:57

Did you bring two guys here under distress to to to confirm?

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Well, I'm getting accused of um Did you do it?

SPEAKER_04 20:02

You didn't do that, did you?

SPEAKER_00 20:03

No, I didn't know, because we all sat there and we drank about five coffees together. It's it's it's this is how this is how stupid it's got. Um so basically he's accusing me of kidnap um and making people say stories. The two people I brought to that meeting never served, never served. Oh, they didn't? No, they didn't. They were nothing to do with the army, they were nothing to do with anything, which I'm gonna prove in a minute as well. Um I mean, let's just get this out of the way because this is the light bulb moment. The trigger. This is the light bulb moment. I mean, I you could I don't know if your microphone will pick this up.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

I had a guest come on over a year ago. He blew up on the internet for doing some real dream. Is the only thing I can I can describe in someone's dream? Manage to bump into him or would have it. Anyway, uh And he's exaggerating these stories to the point of well, this is not an arms Bolschenaker film. You might as well be telling me that you're hanging off the fucking wing of an airplane. But I let him continue. And I've got a habit of doing this. If I've got someone's bullshitting me, I let them believe that I'm believing them so that they carry on. And I see just how far they're going to push the bullshit. So I went along with it and pretended that I believed him. Now I shelved that interview for my interval. And I said to him, Are you sure you want me to air that? Are you happy with the way that went? Are you definitely sure you want me to publish that interview for the world to see?

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Obviously.

SPEAKER_02 22:38

Absolutely. It was keen as must that he was desperate for me to publish that interview. That's all I did. I put it out there for the world to see that it was complete fabrication to the point where certain people thought that I was buying into his bullshit because that's how convincing I was being. We watched it interesting along. It was just mind-blowing. But I thought, you know what? If you're gonna walk the streets and try and take credit for something you haven't done and other men have, I'm gonna air you out to drive. I've never done that with another guest. I'm not here to shit on people. But and I did give him the option to bail out. We don't have to publish this. I didn't let him I still didn't say to him, I know you're lying. Yeah, yeah. But I just gave him the option. I think I've done the right thing you may think actually you shouldn't have. Give him enough rope. Listen, you've was I right to publish that. Yeah, absolutely. Listen, especially because you gave it right, let's stop that there.

SPEAKER_04 23:35

So based on some of the recordings you've sent me, uh we've not sent me that you've got to be able to do it. I'm gonna play them all now anyway, but um of how friendly, do you think he was do you think he was scared? Too scared to say it.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

What to me in the interview, I would have called it out straight away. Um if if if I thought it was um bullshit.

SPEAKER_04 23:53

But Joan, do you think he was scared of you then or something like that?

SPEAKER_00 23:55

I don't I don't know. I don't know what I don't know. This is what never made sense to me.

SPEAKER_04 24:00

I don't I don't understand because the voice notes don't match what you said there, do they?

SPEAKER_00 24:03

No, and you're this is what I'm gonna prove in a minute, that it's just all smoke and mirrors and views and clicks. Now you've got a bloke in front of you like Ant Middleton, which is of absolute respect for him. He's one of my heroes, he's SAS, do you know what I mean? Dizzy heights that I dreamed of getting, but obviously my career got chucked down the toilet. Um, so he's running for mayor, um, he's got so much stuff to say, but yeah, you feel that you need you need to put my name in your mouth um to ask him to validate uh your do you think I was doing right? If if you're your own man, if you're your own man and you you um I don't know, you it's your podcast. You ask the questions, I answer them. Um so exactly the same as what I'm doing today, honestly. So I don't think you need to ask someone if you f feel that you've done the right thing or the wrong thing. I think it's like you're asking your mum or dad or it's a bit it's a bit fucking stupid to me. Um if you've done it already, but one thing I will say is I would have had more respect for him, and if you can please respond or find a voice note or whatever saying that um I think it's um I I'm I know it's bullshit, but I'm putting it out anyway. But what this is like two over two years later. So this is over two years later. Why do you say it now? Why didn't if do you know if it was me, I mean, morally, I mean this the silly I mean I'm not gonna I'm not just I'm not gonna swear or whatever.

SPEAKER_04 25:50

You can't swear it's fine on this podcast. Oh is it okay?

SPEAKER_00 25:54

He's a silly trap because um he's he's he said it two years later after he's got nearly quarter of a million views off the back of me and earned loads of money off the back of me, and then he's called it out two years later. I don't understand well. If that was me morally personally, I'd say I want the receipts before I put this out. Um obviously I'd uh this sort of some sort of plan to besmirch my good name or um uh try and ruin my life because he knows I've got mental health. I did try and commit suicide a couple of times because I all the hate I was getting. But I don't blame the veterans. Do you know what I mean? I don't blame I blame the person who's who's feeding them all the information. Um so it's very very hard to understand for me. Um so it didn't make sense. Um so I just shut my mouth and let everyone carry on rubbishing me and stuff like that. Um if he'd have a proper man, let's say a proper a proper man would have uh I I certainly would have um rung I would have put a short out saying I'm gonna air this. This this this um uh this this man's come along on my podcast. It is not true, but I'm gonna air it anyway. Um uh because I think that he needs to be shut up or shut down or whatever, and I'm gonna publish his lies. Just what he said there. He could have put a short out then and done it then, but he didn't. Why? He just what this is what I mean, but because you're not a man. Personally, that's what I would have done, or rung me up and said, I know it's bullshit. Um have you got a voice, if you've got any information or any receipts that uh that please respond, do you know what I mean? But you didn't.

SPEAKER_04 27:45

I said he's gonna he's gonna look at this and go, I can I can just half imagine it in my head. Jimmy's found some obscure podcasts that would have him on so he could spew all their and and and just just just to clear that bit up, because that's definitely something that'd probably get said, is one, I um I am my own man, like like you were saying before. And I am confirming what I've seen. I didn't physically serve with you. Do you mean he didn't physically serve with you? So so it's it's to me, and I my podcast is about that human behaviour, and it's it's it's making the layers of judgment fall off as the watching somebody and the self-awareness that comes with it, and that's what my podcast is about. And and and you've you've been offered some big some big podcasts and stuff, and you have chose to come to me, which I I really appreciate. And we've got on, we've got on really well, haven't we? Yeah, we have. And um, so I don't want people to think if if it this if he does, he might not say this, but he's always gone some he's he's clearly unwell, he says himself he's medicated. Now he's gone on some obstacle podcast to to say all this. I want to clear that bit up because that's definitely I imagine what people are I imagine what people are thinking as they watch something and try and address it. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. So I'm just I can imagine that's the thoughts, and maybe the thoughts of Liam, or I don't know, maybe or not. But let's keep going a little bit further and see what you've got.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

And uh where where were we?

SPEAKER_04 29:08

So you're just you've you've played the clip. Yeah, I so I'm mentioned about being a man because he's he's got you on WhatsApp, he's personally able to get hold of you whenever he wants to chat about anything he wants, but he hasn't chose to do that.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

No, he chooses to do that, he chooses to chose to do it two years later when he's got all the clicks and views, which says to me that you're yeah, and the money in his pocket, and and so the to me, um that morally that's not right, and another thing, if it was bullshit, which is not, which I've proved to you today, and I'm gonna prove even more um with my paperwork as well, but the the the bit I couldn't show is the sensitive act, and I'm gonna read that out in a minute. Um where was I? Sorry.

SPEAKER_04 29:52

You wanted to do the voice notes, didn't you?

SPEAKER_00 29:53

Yeah, I'm gonna do I'm gonna do the voice notes. Um so this is the I mean you've got to remember this this is someone who thinks I'm a I'm completely absolutely full of shit and he knew it that day.

SPEAKER_04 30:12

Um because he said while you were doing the podcast, he knew He knew it's bullshit. And this is a voice note after that.

SPEAKER_00 30:22

This is a voice note like three months later, he's still talking to me as a friend. Do you know what I mean? As a friend, which I'm gonna I'm gonna prove now.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

Oh, geezer. Very, very quickly. I've just taken a detour, I'm just about to have a workout. Uh I've just listened to all your voice notes, one after the other, and I've heard the distress in your voice. Brother, I don't like hearing that. And I'd rather be a part of that. So I'd rather fuck the algorithm. I'm gonna uh I'm gonna make some calls now and get just get every every one of the of the latest one taken down, and then when I'm not amongst people, I will leave you avoiding.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Why are you gonna take you some bits down if you were gonna air me out to dry?

SPEAKER_02 31:06

And explain the method in my madness. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

I did Why explain yourself? What have you got to explain yourself?

SPEAKER_02 31:14

No. Yeah, my intention was never ever to hear you fucking sound that that distress brother.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Well, it was your intention uh to make me sound.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

Let me do with that. Let me do what I've got to do. I've fucking got a million things I'm doing today, and now I'm squeezing a workout in. But yeah, I'm just gonna get them clips taken down ASAP, and if it messes with the algorithm later, then so be it. Oh thank yeah, I can't have you feeling like that. But uh I'll give you a proper voice note later, brother, when I'm on my own, and I can explain uh I can explain things better to you in the hope that you'll understand. I'm sure you will. But brother, I don't understand. Just be fucking careful in this space. I'll leave you on that note. Just be careful on this space. And remember, from day one, I've had your back. I've given you some fucking sound advice.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

It doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_02 32:09

Remember, I even tried talking you out of doing it. So uh, yeah. Anyway, brother, I love you and leave you for now.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

Love you.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

I'll get the soon as should be possible.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

Three months after.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

And he's like, well, some journey in a geezer. And I've still there's still words in between that I'll go back and listen to now. But uh this is given behavior. To your entire voice, no, if uh yeah, if you took anything the wrong way, except my apology. It's uh yeah, it it wasn't meant any way that you took it. And I know that you have good days and bad days, and I need to be mindful of that. I uh sort of took my finger off the pulse.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

You're trolling a veteran who served and blessed for the country or stick into consideration, and uh, I will not do another thing until well, I'll either clear it with you or I'll just just put it out put it out now. You've changed the name from Jimmy the Saint, now you change the name to the Jimmy Roach story, then you change the name to the the unbelievable story, then you change the name to that. I I wouldn't have agreed to that. Why would I agree to that? He'd just done it all himself.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

Uh or if I can or if I can if I can if there's a if there's a nice short that I can put together, I'll say, yeah, Jimmy, do you fancy me putting this one up? Um obviously never will. And we'll go from there. But you have my word, mate, I will never, ever, ever post anything else again. And I haven't got this agreement with anybody.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Almost displayed with me.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

People understand when they come on that whatever it takes, we need to promote this. But you have my word as a friend that I've post as a friend. Um anything else again, either period, or unless I say to you, do you need to change the name?

SPEAKER_00 34:22

What do you think of this?

SPEAKER_02 34:26

Yeah, you can guarantee that that will be the case, geezer. But one second, I'll go back and listen to your other voice notes. But yeah, think carefully, mate, where you want to go with this. Because it's yeah, it shocked me how bad you took it yesterday. It didn't it's not the right word. I've I forgot.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

I forgot that you've that you do suffer with your mental health.

SPEAKER_02 34:56

I just you know, you're strong, you're built like a fucking gladiator, you've got a strong booming voice. You don't fuck around, you're intelligent, right? You've you've got ambition, and it's it's just it's very easy to forget that you know, beneath that, there is you know, there's a chemical imbalance in there, and some days you can have a really, really fucking bad day. So yeah, I won't forget that again, mate. I won't forget that again. And yeah, please game. Please take everything I've said and done uh as it was intended. Like nothing, nothing's ever come from from malice at all.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

This is what you said, Grand Middlewood.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

It's not a pantomime, it's like fucking life in the future when you're you know you're you're doing all this other stuff that you intend to do because it's it's gonna happen. Yeah. People out there don't give a fuck about people's feelings uh at all. Thank you. And they'll they'll go for the jugular.

SPEAKER_00 36:03

You were gonna say something.

SPEAKER_04 36:04

Oh no, I just I I was gonna say, um I think that that people we underestimate people in general, and they will make their own assumption.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:18

And it but most people when they make an assumption on somebody else, it comes from where they are. See what I mean? Either like cognitive dissidence or too much loyalty to something or blah blah. And and while I don't want to get dragged into it, as I said to you, but uh in too much of an app but to me, it is very black and white, isn't it? Is the only thing I can think of, I'm trying to, I'm trying to, in a kind of sense. I'm trying to make sense of of where he's coming from. And and the only thing I go down is, like you said, either just ruthless businessman, oh I forgot you had mental health. I mean, it's it'd be hard to forget. I've spoken now with you for how long. And it's not something you can really forget when you're talking to you, is it? But I think the other thing, is it that's what I'm thinking, is it just a fear-based thing, and he's just he was I don't know, I can't figure it out. I can't know, I don't know why. But you said you don't want to speak to him again, but what if when he sees this, he does want to have that conversation with you? Would he but obviously a proper bloke would want to have it off camera, wouldn't he? He'd want to have it should have if he wants to put it right with you. Well if he didn't want it off camera, wouldn't he?

SPEAKER_00 37:16

I wouldn't mind an apology or uh or or whatever. An explanation. An explanation of why you feel hurt why you'd want to just want to destroy someone's life and their career when you advocate for mental health and you've got um so say friends in the forces, and I suffer from mental health from the forces. I mean, I'm gonna prove it in a minute. I mean, op courage, saffer, um, combat stress and stuff like, but let me just carry on with this two seconds and then we can get this out of the way.

SPEAKER_02 37:48

It was your Yeah, just got back to the bit about you saying you'd like to know who the person is that served with me. That was just me. In my mind, I'm picturing the two guys where um They never served with me. We had coffee together. You you brought you brought receipts with you, essentially. Like you didn't I'd met you with credible witnesses, so to speak. So that was uh that was to give you credibility, Geezer.

SPEAKER_00 38:19

Well, if it gives you credibility for if you're trying to destroy me and I'm a liar, didn't mean three months later. But uh it's very interesting to be a bit more than a lot of things.

SPEAKER_04 38:30

You're in the human karmic world, you're trying to call someone out for integrity, and then now your integrity is being shown differently.

SPEAKER_00 38:39

Yeah, it's very odd.

SPEAKER_02 38:40

Just quickly, you're now telling me that you, you know, you wouldn't sit there and across the table and lie to me, and anyone that knows you knows that.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

This is weird.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

Mate, if I if I didn't believe you, I would never ever fucking I would never say that you've been invited on for a part two. Because then I'm setting myself up for a fall. Like, mate, I fucking I don't doubt you. Don't think you've lost my faith. Just remember, there's a there's a bit of pantomime in this. Uh yeah, you haven't lost my faith. Mate, I told you to fucking leave stuff out, remember? I told you to leave certain parts out. And uh sorry this is dragging on, but I've not lost belief in you, mate. I've not lost belief in you, geezer. And remember, when I done my thumb, I mean this is veering off, but like this is, you know, fucking I value you. It was you that I was voice noting, mate, when I got to 12 kilometres on my first half marathon. Mate, it was you I was leaving voice notes.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

It was you that was voice notes I was listening to when I was doing sitting line, you know.

SPEAKER_04 39:53

So he's either lied to Matt Middleton or he's lied to you.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

I value you.

SPEAKER_02 40:00

At that stage, we'd fucking done the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 40:02

Thank you. Is it after the podcast?

SPEAKER_02 40:04

What I'd done yesterday and what I was thinking about in intermittently, amongst the other stuff, was I better put something out as an invitation for a part two to cover the military stuff, because there's an element of doubt there, and we'll just get that squashed.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

And then we can move on.

SPEAKER_02 40:19

If I didn't fucking believe in you, I'd put a statement out saying fucking, I apologize for fucking allowing this to be said on my platform, but it's like, no, I'm fucking, um yeah. I'm up for getting you fucking back on. I have been from day one, but only if you are. And mate, I get that you gotta whatever you want to do, and I'll tell you for why as well, because this is what'll be happening. This is what's a lot of people think it's bollocks, and I'm the one who's been through Hi Jimmy, it's Terry.

SPEAKER_03 40:54

We are doing a podcast.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

Um listen, listen, I'm just um you don't call someone a friend, brother, geezer. Um, I've got your back. Um you were the one who I was voice noting. I mean, this is after the podcast. We were talking for three months out of the podcast, talking about stuff, different, different subjects. Um I mean, he's try uh tried to hang me out, or I don't know what his reasons were. I think he got called out. I think he got called out by a lot of people, but he couldn't stand on his own business. Um I took it. I took it like a man, whatever. People don't believe me, they don't believe me. I that do you know what I mean? I can't help that. And um, like I said, I don't blame any veterans. I mean, they're probably you're probably I'm probably gonna get a load of hate off of this, but I've I've shown there's nothing you can do about that. There's nothing you do about it. Liam's got these little um puppets who he's got every podcast that go on, oh let's rubbish it, let's rubbish it, let's keep rubbish it to make him look better. It's it's a very odd concept what he's got, but you don't.

SPEAKER_04 42:06

But I assume he'll I assume if when then this comes out he'll want to he might want to take off his original podcast or well if you'll benefit, I'd take it, won't you?

SPEAKER_00 42:14

But the thing is, I don't mind the podcast being out. I've never asked for it to be taken down. I'm quite happy with the podcast. Or maybe I shouldn't have gone into the stuff that I should have gone into, but I felt comfortable in a safe place because he said you can tell me anything. Do you know what I mean? But the whole point of the podcast was not that I'm a cannibal and a mindless fucking beast and um um veteran eats human flesh. I make a woman piss herself with a torn-off shotgun on Mother's Day put that short out. It's just it's it's it was for views and clicks. I'm just trying to shine a light on the dozen. It's just not um not. It's just um I'm gonna mention Matt Hardy as well, and I want you to tag him in this because I know he's had he's had problems with Liam as well.

SPEAKER_04 43:05

He's the Blade Runner guy, isn't he?

SPEAKER_00 43:06

The blade runner, yeah. So I know he's had he he went on his podcast, suddenly they fell out as well, and then you've got Liam telling him to stay in his lane and all this sort of stuff. I mean, I would this this doesn't fill me full of joy, in it, does it? It's not um it's not what I was gonna do. And and I I wasn't gonna do another podcast because a bad experience. Very bad experience very experience.

SPEAKER_04 43:27

Is the bad experience the comments or is it the bad experience, particularly Liam, with with being shown like brother, I'm aphia, and then just thrown under the bus? Yeah, yeah. Is that a bad experience or is it?

SPEAKER_00 43:41

I'm I've I mean I've served my country. I've proved to you today what you've seen the thing. Um I am exactly who I said I was. And when you've bled for your country and and and you've got a brotherhood with um I've got friends still in the army, uh And uh when you when they're all they all turn on you because of someone, I don't blame them. I honestly don't, and and and do you know what? If they like I said, if they if they needed help with anything, I'd be the first one there. The thing is, they say to talk, let's everyone talk, let's men talk, let's do this, let's do that. But um, when you do talk, you actually get trashed. So that puts you off talking. Do you know what I mean? So in in doing that, that happened. I don't like the lies he's told, uh, but makes out he's honourable. So I think do you know it it didn't it does need calling out. The five suicide attempts as well came from just getting hated by people that I thought would would I thought the veterans would be on my side. I mean, I thought that they might, you know, just do your due diligence or whatever you wanted. But um, I served. I mean, I've got I'm not gonna go too much into it. I can confirm now that you successfully negotiated the agreement with the Ministry of Defence. Um, a deadline. I mean, I'm going for military deafness. I've lost 40% of my um hearing it.

SPEAKER_04 45:11

And the Ministry of Defence wouldn't wouldn't pay somebody or want to pay somebody for a hearing loss.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

You can't unless you served as as a soldier, you can't go for hearing loss, can you? Um yeah, so um like I said, with with him with him I don't get it. I'm just all all I'm just doing is if that was the light bulb. What would you guess?

SPEAKER_04 45:39

So look because I'm bought this podcast about human behaviour and things. But pretend it's not you. So look at it. I want you to try and pretend I've just thought of this now. Go on. That's that's how random my podcast is. So let's pretend someone is telling you this story, and they're saying, I went on this podcast with this guy, he was the loveliest bloke, he was really caring. Blowing smoke afterwards, and then this is somebody else telling you now this story, okay? Yeah, okay. So you're looking at it from an outside perspective. What and would what would you say to that person is why they did and acted like that?

SPEAKER_00 46:11

What would I say?

SPEAKER_04 46:11

I would to the person, to the Jimmy. You're talking to a Jimmy, and it's happened to me.

SPEAKER_00 46:15

But I've just done that to hit him.

SPEAKER_04 46:16

No, you're so you're looking at from an outside perspective. So you're me, for example. Yeah. Or or one of the audience members watching, and they're looking at this, and they've seen that um they've seen the rest, like you say, the voice notes, the thing, the actions, blah, blah, blah. What do you think the reason is that that all doesn't match up with what he's saying and what he did? What do you think the reason is?

SPEAKER_00 46:36

I can't I can't remember.

SPEAKER_04 46:37

Do you think it's just I think he got called out. What do you know? What do you think the reason is? I mean, like, do you think he's doing it? What's his motivation? What's his motivation? Is it just as cold as I want the views and the money?

SPEAKER_00 46:47

Yeah, it's as cold as I want the views and the money. Um, if it was and if it was, if you didn't believe me, and why don't you just tell me that or say, let's put it out as a friend, brother geezer? Let's put it out when when you've got all your stuff. And I've had this stuff for years, but I do well, I wasn't gonna bother. Do you know what I mean? But when you forced my hand, what did you think of what would you think was gonna happen? Do you know what I mean? I I I I just don't get it, but that's I just want to flag all that up. I just want to try and change people's perspective. So you don't think it's fear?

SPEAKER_04 47:23

You don't think he's got fear? Because he knows you, he knows your background. Is it a fear thing? Or is it just uh I don't care about him, it's just all about the views.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

Yeah, it's all about the views.

SPEAKER_04 47:32

But just a cold it's just a cold-heartedness.

SPEAKER_00 47:33

Just cold hardness, views, or whatever.

SPEAKER_04 47:37

I mean, if him, fuck him, I'm not bothered like that. Yeah, yeah. I don't care about his mental health, I don't care what he does or he doesn't do, I just want this to be successful. Like that. Yeah, so you think it's a it's a ruthless drive.

SPEAKER_00 47:48

Ruthless drive, chasing success. I mean, if if if I if you lie about one thing, I think you lie about all. So I suppose my mum isn't dead. I suppose I haven't got mental health, which I I can prove. Um, I haven't got all the conditions, what I've got, conditions. Do you know? I mean, I'm a liar about all, even my boxing career and um your license fights, that's all bullshit. Even though he said he recognised me from um Caesar's Palace, if you want to go back to it. The trouble is people are gonna revert back to his podcast. Now we get more clicks and views or whatever, which I don't mind because it's the truth. And if I'm fake and I'm that fake, um then I've not done any. I I think if what you tell one lie, you it's all bullshit. To me, it is anyway. So I mean, if he wants to um if if you want to stick, I'd actually nah fuck the gloves. If you want to stick, take the gloves off. If you want to have a if you want, if you think I'm fake, then we'll just have a I don't mind jumping. Yeah, we'll have a straightener. If you think you I mean you've insulted me, you've insulted my career. You tried to throw me under the bus, and you've you've besmirched my good name. Um, not that a good name anyway, but come to that anyway.

SPEAKER_04 48:57

But um But you were proud of your record, you were proud to serve the country. I'm proud to serve. You're not saying you've been a perfect human being. You say that particular bit to me was one bit of good I did in my life, and you're trying to take it away from me. That's what you say, really, aren't you? Yeah. I don't put words in your mouth either by the way. No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 49:13

But that's exactly how I felt. So do you know what I mean? If I'm fake, then fucking put your money where your mouth is. Well, if he's driven by views and he and he and he's a proper bloke, he'd say, Yeah, let's have a straightener, wouldn't it? Let's have a straightener, let's do a let's do a misfits or whatever. Do you know what I mean? If you and then you'll put yourself to the test or put me to the test, and then we'll see who can what whatever comes out of it, and we'll give all the charity. I'm not bothered.

SPEAKER_04 49:37

I love boxing, I'd watch that one, Jimmy.

SPEAKER_00 49:38

Yeah, well, I'd if I don't, yeah, well, it's I'm not gonna blow my own trumpet, but I I know how that's gonna end up. But um uh yeah, so that's that's basically I'm gonna put I'm put all this out there. Just um I'm I mean this do you feel how do you feel now you've said it and you've and you've I feel relieved because it's been bugging me for years, but I'd um and I couldn't understand why someone would be so um just I don't I don't I I think if Sink doesn't make sense in my head, then it's it I I'd try to work out the truth in the behind it. And when he said that to Aunt Middleton, I mean he has better things to talk about than fucking me. Do you know what I mean two years ago? I'm I'm not um to Aunt Middleton, I'm a nobody in a nothing. Do I mean I'm not uh I'm my own person or whatever, but when you're talking to a fellow soldier, and I mean fellow soldier, I did serve, proved all that. Um when you're talking to a fellow soldier and you're trying to get him to agree with you, it's a bit I I don't know, it's just it didn't sit well with me. I went on a blue tick as well with Michael Malvin, and and he was an absolute gentleman doing exactly what he said um he was gonna do, and it was a it was a brilliant podcast. I um I went into the more not the military stuff, but the um the stuff before the military, the sexual abuse, the um uh the taking the drugs, groomed as a young child, physically, mentally, and all that sort of stuff. So um I went into that side of it and I I still still didn't do all this because I I didn't I don't I don't I don't like all this social media attacking people and back and forth on social media.

SPEAKER_04 51:23

Was the military thing mentioned on the blue tick podcast?

SPEAKER_00 51:25

It was, yeah. He asked me a few questions and I answered them. I said I was in MCTC for um for for for two years, got dishonourably discharged. I mean I done the the field gun on in 2012 at the uh Birmingham Arena. Do you mean for MCTC and we actually won and made a new world record? Um we done it in one minute nineteen. I mean it's it's it's it's it's just um don't act a certain way. Oh um and then pretend you're my friend. I mean, this is three months later. Just be a man, call it out as it is, just just just call it out as it is. Um you should have taught you should have rung me, you should have told me, you should have, you should just we clearly sound very familiar with each other, so there should be no reason why I can't just give you a call. No, I'm fucking brother, I'm geezer, I'm fucking I'm I'm your friend, I value you. Do you mean you were the one I was fucking all this all this and then you suddenly say I didn't believe you from the start. That is that is it doesn't make sense that is harsh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 52:24

I'll give you a couple of things.

SPEAKER_00 52:25

That's that's uh that's what I'm gonna say on that matter. And if you want to do a and if you want to test me out, test me out. I'm more than willing to um jump in the ring or do whatever.

SPEAKER_04 52:35

I think there's a bloke code there and you and you've put it firmly in his court to respond.

SPEAKER_00 52:40

Yeah, but you can't.

SPEAKER_04 52:41

And anyway, anyone who wants to respond is. I'm not after the views, you don't have to get me involved. You just if you I'm not here for the views. No, it's good to get the views, but I'm all right.

SPEAKER_00 52:50

I know what you're I know you're not here for the views. That's why I've come on to this one. I've come on to this one because you're an honest man. You're an honest man. Um like I showed you um uh the actual receipts I've got, it's got my regiment number on it, who I served with, we dressed you as sergeant. Sergeant Mercer. Um so um I've got I shouldn't have to I've never had to prove myself in my life, but he's made me feel like I've got approved myself.

SPEAKER_04 53:18

This letter confirms that they have military records on you, but they will not give them to you. That's what the letter says.

SPEAKER_00 53:23

And let me just say one thing as well while I'm while I'm at it, because I screenshot it just.

SPEAKER_04 53:27

Can I be clear on one thing though? Of course, I'd want views. But what what we mean by it is I'm not willing to sell my soul for views. That's what we mean. That's what of course I want views. Yeah. I want more people to have self-awareness and and all those good things.

SPEAKER_00 53:40

Well, I'm hoping I'm hoping you're gonna it's gonna be a successful. But um, there's a thing on here as well, which I Googled. Um if you Google reasons why you wouldn't get your military um Are you gonna go into the just yeah, no, I'm just gonna go to the or not? Yeah, I'm gonna uh the reason why you wouldn't get your military records is says two, national security and sensitivity. What did it say in that letter? It's sensitive and it's um. Yeah, but you're gonna say why, because I know the reason why.

SPEAKER_04 54:15

You're gonna say the reason why I'm not.

SPEAKER_00 54:16

No, I'm not gonna tell but um it's the serve it's if the service record contains details about specialized units, intelligence operations, or specific deployment methods that are still considered sensitive to those sections will be redirected or the whole file withheld. Prejudice of security and the Freedom of Information Act. Now that said that in that letter, did it not? Am I right or wrong?

SPEAKER_04 54:44

It did say in that letter.

SPEAKER_00 54:45

The Freedom of Information Um Acts of the Ministry of Defence or equivalent to the Department can refuse release if it could jeopardize the security of effectiveness of the current forces. That's all I'm gonna say on the matter. Um, I didn't go in the right way, which is all out on the internet. Go and go and go and have a look. Yeah, that's the bit I meant. Yeah, that meant yeah, I didn't go in the right way. But don't we don't we're not gonna go mention that now, though. I don't mind if you want anybody who dive into that. Yeah, I I changed my name. My name's not Mercer, it's Roach. Everything else is in Mercer because I changed my name. I married my wife.

SPEAKER_04 55:24

Um I and he slipped through the net, which is why the army didn't want to, that's why.

SPEAKER_00 55:29

This is the government we're talking about. Now the dozen is well known for bashing the government. Um everything's hate, everything's hating Islam, everyone's hating this, everyone's hating that, and this needs to be done, this needs to be done, and it's it's I look at it and just sometimes a group job pops up on YouTube and I have a look, and I just think now it's more more hate, repetitive hate, hate, hate, hate, views, views, views, views. Um, but yeah, so that's uh that's that's I mean that's all I've got really to say about it.

SPEAKER_04 56:04

Do you think in his world if Islam was banned tomorrow, just his views would drop off because nothing else to talk about? Is it?

SPEAKER_00 56:09

Well, yeah, yeah, drop off the face of the earth because he's he's made his his podcast like that, but before that he was having quite interesting people on there, and I quite enjoyed his company. I mean, it's not a witch, and I don't hate, I don't actually hate the man, I hate what he's done, but um again, I mean I've one thing I will say, I've been used for extreme violence, I've been used sexually, I've been used, um, I've been used for a lot of things um over the years, but I mean fucking experiences I've had, I've I've never been used for clickbait. I mean, and do you know what? It's been an interesting. You brought it into the modern era, aren't you?

SPEAKER_04 56:48

Well, there you go.

SPEAKER_00 56:49

I've been used for everything else, and now I'm getting used for clickbait. But I've just the reason I've come here today, and I'm just really hope, I really hope that I I can humanise myself. I know you will try and humanize me. Um Jimmy, it's because you are human. Oh, yeah, well, a lot of people are. There is a little bit of human left in me. There is definitely. I mean, I've got a bigger, I'll help anyone out, everyone who knows me should drop in the comments.

SPEAKER_04 57:14

Do you know how many times, right? Me and Jimmy have had this conversation, right? He's this is the the really inner inner inner Jimmy, if you like. The one to just serve and do good. And he the amount of times I've got I've got voice notes, right? If to prove if anyone needs to wear them. But if him saying, I want your podcast to be a success, I want you to get views. I want so that is a very serving nature, that's a good nature. And and my response has always been, don't worry about me and my views. Just let's just have a chat. And then that's the best way. But so what I'm saying is that shows uh or Queen easily to humanise you. I think that just says a lot in itself, doesn't it? Why would someone look at somebody else and not see another human being? And and and what is prevalent among society, we actually touched on it, didn't we? A lot of people who have who have natural judgment about them haven't had much happen. You find that same type of character, yeah. They haven't had any trauma, nothing's really happened, they've got quite an alright life, and they're the ones that cast the most judgment. The people that have had a chaotic life or a bit of trauma, they don't seem to have that judgment. And they also, I think I I have trust in my audience or the audience. When I put clips out of people, the judgment's off the scale. Like Luke Dyson's a great example. He's great, I like it. But the the the the um the pre-judgment of him, which is off the scale, is obviously just a thick fighting meter and all that sort of stuff. You're like, watch the podcast, and then you see, and like Algy, the mate from Nottingham, you've been present a few times. Yeah, that you can just know there's pre-judgment there. But then when they actually watched, and then you see the judgment will fall away. Because all you can do is take a snapshot of that person now. I have done things, not on your level, Jimmy. I have done things that are wrong. I've I have harmed others, I have hurt others, I have been violent, I've done these things, drug, whatever it is in the past, in my past. But that doesn't not who I am right now, sat here and and you can't, you can't you can't, nothing about it. But what which which flows into I want to restart this podcast, but I was gonna hold this thought.

SPEAKER_00 59:14

Which is what I was gonna say a couple more things as well.

SPEAKER_04 59:16

Oh, yeah, I was because I was gonna say to that uh how you I know from what you said that how much it tortures you daily that past, and that's as humans, how do we so that's a separate coming into that? That's box off Liam, so I can start this one then.

SPEAKER_00 59:32

One second, just one second. I'd just like some Christians, if there's Christian community out there, I mean this is one of the most insulting fucking things I've I've ever I've ever heard, if I'm honest. I mean, this is what's this one? This is how fake of a man uh he is. Just two seconds, just one more and then because the Christian community I mean the Christian community is massive. I mean um this is just disgusting.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:32

So I'm doing what I can do. I mean, to make it money, and it's disrespectful to them and disrespectful to myself if I'm gonna push it my way into the river of Jordan. So if I allow it, I'm gonna do it and if I don't, I won't.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:55

Right, so right, you have someone who has just denounced God but wants to get baptized. That that to me is the most insulting thing I've ever heard. I mean, I grew up uh as um a Jehovah's Witness, I'm in Christianity at the moment, and I'm getting baptized in a month's time. And there's people out there who would give their fucking right arm to go into the river Jordan and get baptized, but he's denounced God, said he doesn't believe in it. I just want to do it for the experience. What the f if there's any Christians or anyone, but uh um it's like a paradox, isn't it? I know what you mean. But this is fake. Do you know what I mean? It's oh I don't know, I I'll just jump into Jordan River, get baptized. That's what Christians do. You don't denounce God and say you don't believe in him, but I wouldn't mind jumping in there and seeing what getting baptized is like I must say, I don't know the fact that that's fucking weird.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:53

I don't know the facts behind it, but on the surface level, yeah, that looks really bad. On the surface level, I've I don't know, he's not here to defend himself.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:59

But that on the surface level, yeah, that looks I'm just shining a light on on the the character of this man.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:05

I'm just um I'm again another another another example, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:08

Another example of you're I'm denouncing God and I'm gonna go and get baptized into it, but you get baptized to be a Christian and come out that water as a Christian, not just for the crack. Do you know what I mean? So if there's any Christians out there who want to jump in the comments, please fucking if if just tell me if that's right or wrong, because it I think I found it really insulting because I am religious. Um, I am religious. I grew up as, like I said, a Jehovah's Witness, and I I've read the Bible five times. I spent time in prison, and um uh I know the Bible, I mean, I know all the stories. Samson Delilah, I know Psalms is in the middle, Revelation's at the end, Genesis at the start. Um I've no I've no I know scriptures. I've I was in it for a long time. I I know stuff, but you you don't um I'm really really shocked that you um did he put that out that's out that's out there, that is. He put that on his um Instagram uh that long time ago. Yeah, yeah a while back when he was still there, is it then? Or it's still yeah, it must be still a thing you put on his story, and my my auntie saw it and she she she says, You'll never guess. He's denounced God and getting baptized when just uh why but what for clicks and views again to sorry two seconds.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:24

Hi, Aunt Sal.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:26

Okay, so he's getting like again, it's I'm gonna go and do this for clicks and views. It's there's it's no there's no substance behind the man. Do you know what I mean? He thinks he's doing good, but he's oh he's ruined ruined my ruined my life. I mean, uh I've I've I've I've had my problems, but he's made them problems bigger problems for me.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:49

When he knows you're going through it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:50

When he knows you're gonna go through it anyway, he's just admitted it on a voice note. Just say, I know you have good days and bad days, and you suffer even mental health.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:57

But anyway.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:58

But anyway, yeah, let's let's push him to the limits where he to the limits of fucking suicide. And I carried on trying to commit suicide. Um I'm not gonna go into it, but I'd I I wasn't even gonna be here today if I'm honest. I told you that story earlier, but um, I had to go and hand myself in um because of something. But I'll we'll come on to that. Yeah, don't yeah, I don't let's box off that.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:24

That's Liam's so let I'll I'll box it off. Anybody with half a brain cell can see what he's trying to say, why he's trying to say it. And uh us as because so the listener and me, the outsiders, if you like, between what's happened, um Jimmy has been quite clear with facts and voice notes and and everything's been quite factual. He hasn't been raging and banging the table about angry and he's been very calm, he said the facts, he says about his mental health, and that Liam knew it, and so that's that, and that's why he's done it. And I think anyone with half brain cell will see that, and it's now if Liam cares, he'll respond. If he doesn't care, he won't respond. I'd like to I think either way that it'll say a lot about the man the way he responds.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:11

Yeah, well I think that's if if he came to me and said, Look, sorry, um I apologize. Um I should have I shouldn't have done that. I don't agree with having someone in your house and then um making out their your your your friend as a game and then trying to destroy their life when you know they've got mental health issues, but yet you advocate for mental health. I think I think it's dangerous. What's what I think is a danger. That's that's and that has that that's honestly There might not be other there might be other people that put their hand up and go, do you know what, he was like that with me, or he liked that with me, or yeah. Well I'm hoping that'll happen. No, I'm I do you know what? I don't I wish him all the best actually. I'm I'm I'm just Yeah, you're not guessing. I'm just I'm just shining a light on what the way he um he made me feel a type of way.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:57

Um It's your nature to to bite to fight back. Can give it back and you've given it back, and you said, Hey, oh, there's the facts, that's that.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:03

My nature would be years ago, absolutely fucking um yeah. I don't know. I might not eat for a week and then and uh and then do whatever, but uh it's not in my nature anymore to do that. But um, I don't think that you should be going around saying things that when you haven't got have a guess at what you think his response will be.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:24

We'll close it with your guess on what you think his response will be. I'm hoping no no, what you think it will be. What you think it'll be what you think he will be.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:35

Do you just ignore it, not even address it and just completely ignore it?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:37

I think he'll make something up or he'll but he can't now because it's got to be proof-driven, hasn't it? You've done voice notes and you'll have to match it. You can't just make some up. You can't.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:48

I'd like to think then that you might um message and say, look, I I did wrong. I apologize if I've if I've nearly ruined you, your wife's and and your and your family's. I mean, she's been absolutely traumatised by by by the podcast, and I was only trying to do good. And as well, um there was a lot of good stuff in there, and the moral of the story was not to do that stuff. The moral of the story was um to not glorify it at all. It was um I'd I'm I'm I raised money for charities. Did he show that? Did he put them out in clips as well? No, no, no, no, this is what I mean. None of the good stuff I did was was have a look at the shorts. There's no there's there's not one saying I oh he done this, he'd done that, raised money for this charity, raised money over that charity. No, it was just left on the cutting room floor.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:40

Was it was it in the full-length podcast? Did he keep it in the full length podcast?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:44

No, no, it wasn't in the no, no, the good stuff. I mean, you could see Oh, completely out of the podcast altogether. It's got to be yes, you cut out and um I mean you can see the bottle of water here and it'll probably stay here. Do you know what I mean? But on the podcast, if you have a look, we've got a bottle of water there one minute and suddenly it's gone. Do you know what I mean? Because he's cut that bit out because it is good. It was all for views and clicks, and I don't know why he's done it to me, but um let's let's box that off anyway. That's that's that. Right, we're gonna one second. One second. It's not another thing about Link. Can I go to toilet?

SPEAKER_04 1:08:16

But just before you know, go on. I think you've done I think you've handled that, by the way. Really good and really respectfully. I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:23

That's exactly what I'm coming in here.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:24

Yeah, because you haven't done it in a yeah, I think you come. I think you come across really well then. Yeah, thank you. I thought I'd just tell you that bit.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:31

That's all right, it's been a pleasure.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:32

And it's been great.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:33

It hasn't been a pleasure yet, we'll see.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:35

Oh, and you mean by that because we've been chatting, haven't we? We have been chatting.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:38

Yeah, you're a good bloke.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:39

And we've been chatting, so yeah, that's been that has been lost. And I did say yeah. I don't say yes to everybody.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:47

No one ever says no to me.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:49

Yeah, yeah, okay, Jimmy, whatever you say, Jimmy. Um so Jimmy, you know what I'm gonna ask you, don't you? Is my first question. It's the only planned question on the phone.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:00

The only planned question, Jimmy Roach.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:05

Who are you?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:08

Um to me that's a very interesting question because um I'm I'm a I'm a obviously I'm a dad, I'm a husband, um and I'd say I'm I'm a survivor. That's that's that's who I say I'd that's who I'd say I am. But the other the other flip side of that is um who am I? Uh it's very difficult to tell with the amount of mental health issues that I've got what I'm gonna be every day. So who I am, it depends where I go because I put this mask on. This is like the human mask. So I put this mask on um if I need to, which is very, very draining. But um, I don't like to project my if I mean I could walk around all day crying and being, I mean, I'd suffer with depression anyway, but um I could walk around crying all day and and being miserable and worrying about stuff and all that stuff. I try and put that to the back of back of it all. So some days I wake up and I'm I'm not myself. Um so who am I that day I'm depressed? Who am I that day I'm um someone else, or I've got to act a certain way, or I've got a meeting with a psychiatrist or something like that. But generally, I'm a human being with a massive heart who just wants to help people. And obviously, I mean, there's I don't think there's anyone who can say that they haven't made mistakes in their life, and um all I'm trying to do is deal with the mistakes that I've that I've made. So that's that's that's what I'm trying to do.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:00

So so I would it's a good answer, and it's uh when I I've never asked somebody that question who's as complex as you are. Okay. It's like you're above my pay grade. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean? So like for people that don't know, Jimmy's had a a a very um I've had guests on that have had checkered pass and and been naughty, if you like the word naughty in in that criminal way. Um sexual. But but Jimmy, Jimmy's is a different level of of darkness, I suppose is another way of putting it. So all those what I'm gonna try and ask you then, I suppose. Let me just try and rephrase that question a little bit more for you to make it unique to you. Is who were you before any first traumatic event happened? So, for example, see what I mean. Before that first thing happened to Jimmy, little Jimmy James, who was he? Is it like I it's almost not helping putting words in your mouth, but mine might have been, oh I love running around cowboys and Indians and playing and what was it? Who was you before anything happened, really?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:14

I was just and um I grew up in Birmingham. Are you from Birmingham? Are you from Birmingham? Yeah, but um yeah, I'm from Birmingham. Um so um I was just I've never got a picture at home. I was still got in the fridge. Um I was just um I was on a swing with a pair of uh red welly boots on. I was just a normal child, really, just a normal child just growing up. How old then? Um I must have been about four there or something like that. Um but yeah, I was just a normal child just growing up.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:42

What's your earliest core memory? Have you got an early, earliest core memory? Um daff like eating cereal at the I don't know, any have you what's the early? If you could try and find your earliest core memory. Falcon Lodge.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:54

I remember being in a masonette and my mum running up and down, up and down the stairs with me, because I was laughing. We lived in a masonette. That's probably one of the first memories I've got. Um it's funny how you can remember things from years ago, but you can't remember things from last week. That's mad, I know. Yeah. So that's like what age is that then? Oh, about four years old or whatever. That's the first memory. And we just we grew up as a normal family. Um my mum had um my mummy and my dad were together at the time, and uh so there's there's four of us all together.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:27

Who's you have a brother or sister then?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:29

Yeah, I've got two brothers and a sister.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:31

Oh, have you? Yeah. You still in contact with them all?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:33

No, I don't speak to any of my family anymore. Just um I'm gonna come on to that, but I haven't got any family, I've got no one apart from my auntie Sally. Aunt Sal, I was about to say you've got a cart, not mentioned Aunt Sally. Aunt Sally, uh, which is my dad's brother's wife, who's just I don't know, she's taking the role as my mum, I suppose. Um really because the conversations I have with her, um I would be having with my mum every time I got a problem, I sort of run to her. My wife as well is very understanding um of my needs. Uh it's a my m my head is a minefield, so she does does her very best. Do you know what I mean? And I appreciate her.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:17

Your wife or your aunt Sal or both?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:19

But uh both. Both, but my wife um is there for me all the time. But beyond and Sally, when things go wrong is the next point of call, sort of thing.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:28

So the place to go to.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:31

Um when um because I know you're only honest about that you do you take um drugs to help with your with your chaotic mind, if you like.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:42

So if they all stop tomorrow, do you know what would come out?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:45

What would Jimmy be like? Well, this is what worries me. I'm in I'm in recovery at the moment, um, and I'm scared of what's underneath. How many have you had?

SPEAKER_04 1:14:54

How many drugs do you take, sorry?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:55

I mean, what am I supposed to take? Yeah, this is the thing. Obviously, I don't gonna come on here and be honest. I've I've I I'd um uh when I go out of forces, I I'd um my head was just mashed. I'd just lost my career, I'd just I mean, um I spent time in MCTC, so I'd um I'd I I'd come out, my mind was chaotic. So what I'd done was I started self self-medicating. Um so I found that Daza Pan Out, um uh Xanax, I was on half a bottle of morphine a day. Um just I mean, I but the thing is but this is just at home now, like just by yourself, isn't it? Just just daily, just uh No, you're living by yourself, I mean, or I was done in the South Coast in a place called Seaton. Um you're out at the army now. Oh, is it what's MCT?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:49

Is that the prison? That's the glasshouse. Yeah, glasshouse, isn't it? Yeah. So you're out of there now, you you're at home. Yeah. And you're just self-medicating. Is that because of the life before the army or because of what you've seen and done in the army as well? Is it like just a mixture of everything? So you've been forced to stop and you're like, fuck this shit and just take these things.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:07

From the age of ten, I mean I've always had an ADHD, but I've only just got um diagnosed for that now. Um but from the from the from the age of ten onwards, um I've just it's just been absolute chaos. I've never had a break, I've never I've never had a chance really with with the the people around me.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:29

I mean, I can go into depth for that if you want, but it's like 100 miles per hour life, you mean, sort of thing, from the age of 10. Well, no chance to stop and reflect.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:38

I never had a chance, uh never had a chance to stop and reflect about anything really because I'd just bad people around me all the time. So um I'm not a family member. I mean, I got I mean, I got sexually abused when I was uh 10 years old by two babysitters. This is all uh stuff I've covered on other podcasts. Um but by doing that it sort of um I don't know, it makes you grow up. I mean, especially when you're 10, you think you you're older than your days. So I never actually had uh the girlfriend experience or the the the the like the holding hands, the kissing, the stuff like the the way it's meant to progress, it was always just get your pajamas off, we're doing this. And some of the things they'd done was absolutely disgusting, uh thinking about it now. But I just thought that that was normal. Um obvious but obviously it's not. Do you know what I mean? So so so I grew up very quickly. So I've I mean I've I'm thinking I'm this these these girls are 17, 18, so I'm thinking, oh, this is I'm I'm pulling girls at that age, you know what I mean? So I think to my mind, I'm thinking I'm at that their age as well. So yeah, that's that's what happened with that. And um I never by then my mum and dad had split up, so I never had a father figure. So, you know, when you I'm not saying I had daddy issues, but I never had anyone, not that he was any good anyway. I'm probably probably better off that he did go. Um he's been a honest, he's he's been a hero addict since he was, I don't know, 12 years old or something like that. He's an alcoholic, he's um he's still alive, he's an absolute machine. I was about to say some deep machine. Do you know what pisses me off? He's got a full head of hair, and this is why I come on this podcast quickly, okay? Because I know this will probably be the last one before I got bold. But um, yeah, he's an absolute machine, my dad. He's got cancer at the moment. I don't speak to him anymore. Um, because like you haven't fell out with you or have you fell out with them?

SPEAKER_04 1:18:40

You don't have to go into it.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:41

I'm not I'm I'm not their people. My brother writes um he's a very clever man. My brother, my brother writes stories for um like for he's got his own podcast. He's got his own podcast? Yeah, he's got his own podcast. No, he does Hollywood stories. Um I I really respect my brother because he's um he started off with nothing. He comes from the same background as I did. He started doing a little Hollywood old movies podcast in his little thing under the stairs. He wrote a book, he sold it to Amazon, so he gets money off of that. Uh he's got three lovely children. Um they're all absolutely unique in their own ways. But um he distanced himself from you, you mean? Well, we it's just we grew up, we come up so different, we've just got not a lot in common. But we I do I not don't hate him or nothing of that, but because of the things in the life I've led, my sister doesn't want to know me. I haven't spoken to her for 20 odd years. Um, my brother, I don't know where he is. I've got a half-brother in Liverpool, I don't see him, and my older brother, do you know what I mean? But me, even my sister's got seven, seven children. She's got seven children, she um she homeschools them because she doesn't like the outside world and stuff like that. So I'll take me out to her as well. But she was doing really well at what she was doing until she had seven kids. But um, yeah, so so so but the the road I went down, I don't know, maybe it's the gene pool. The road I went down was uh the the criminal road, but wherever I'm not saying the roaches are great or whatever, but um everything that we seemed to like he he wanted to do that and he got that done. Um his sister always wanted a big family, so she's got that done. Um I went down a dark, dark road, and I did that to the best of your ability. Uh well I got to the top of where I needed to be, and um it's not like I'm not saying I'm glorifying or anything, but that's the road I chose, and I was very successful in what I'd done in that arena.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:49

So you know the the the the things that that torture your mind, if you like, or your soul, um are a mixture of things like that you've seen when you were serving that you that you physically did or had to do as part of the career you were in. When did someone decide that you need to take tablets? What what so you self-medicated, that's where we were. You we're at the self-medication stage at the moment. So you've come out of the army self-medicating, um and then there must have been a stage from there. So you'd been in into criminality before you went in the army, didn't you? And then there's a bit after the army.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:26

Well, there's a famil there's a family member who um thought he was the big man, always thought he was a big man. He used to say I've run Swindon and always a lot, but uh it's so I sort of looked up to him. Now he used to come in my bedroom when I was about, I don't know, 12, 13, and he used to have two bowls, and he used to make speed, um, so he used to put the base in one bowl and and whatever, and then put it through the sieve. And he's teaching me how to make drugs basically, keeping all the money in my room. He's getting people to drop off stolen goods and uh then sending people other people round uh to pick the money up. But now looking at it from and I mean I'm nearly 50 now, but now looking at it now, I can't stand him. I so I never I was I've got a massive family, but I don't talk to any of them anymore because that I mean, especially especially him. I mean, it he's got two kids himself, and I'm sure he's not doing that with them, but he thought it but at the time I I I used to think it was clever at that age, and as well I was thought I was older than my age, I got sexually as well when I was 13 by a uh 21-year-old as well. So I don't know, it must have been a very handsome young man, I don't know what what it was, but um sorry if I said that. Um but um I use humour as defence mechanism. It's your experience, it's your experience, yeah. I use humour as a defence mechanism sometimes because it is upsetting because I'd I'd um I don't know, I was used on on an industrial scale, but really. But um yeah, and then I was taught how to do this, make a quick buck.

unknown 1:23:10

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:13

Then I was taught how to make a buck. Uh so easy money, I'm thinking great. Uh so my d uh I was gonna say I'm not gonna mention any names, I'm never ever gonna mention any names about anything because I'm I don't um I don't I don't think it's if your own man, if you gotta bring over people's names in it to get validation or whatever, but but anyway, it doesn't matter. Um so he was taught he kept everything around mum's house of the speed, the stolen goods, side of mountain bikes. I used to sell the mountain bikes at school and make I don't know a tenure here and there and stuff like that. So criminality comes with age, and I just grew up as a criminal. Um that's the only way I can explain it. So I knew how to make speed. I used to take speed at 12 years old. I was I'm I'm having sex with 18-year-old girls um on a regular basis. Um so I I mean I was drinking in the pubs when I was 14. I knew uh two doormen up there, one of them's just passed, actually. Um I'll mention his name because he's not here anymore. Josh is a very good friend of mine. Um but there was these two brothers, and uh they they were like the men round of town, the big men. Do you know what I mean? Everyone feared them and all that sort of stuff, and I sort of liked that. So I sort of gravitated towards that with the drugs and with the the sex and all this sort of stuff. I I had a 20-year-old brain by the time I was um 13. Do you know what I mean? So that's that's the does that that's just the way I come up.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:51

So what what I'm trying to delve into because um is the when did something kick in in your brain or change in your brain? Sorry, yes, you did ask that. Yeah, it's alright. I just want to say we need we need that background, we need that background, but I don't want to force the background out of it. No, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:08

I just want to say as well, before we go any further, I'm I've I've um I'm heavily sedated all the time. Um I mean I I take I'm not answering your question again. It's alright. I it's my job to remember. You carry on. Right. Uh so I take 50 milligrams of uh cotyopene in the morning. That's my dose. Um that would not usually knock a human being out, but it doesn't with me, it's it my brain spins around so fast. That that my psychiatrist said that um brain spins around at 200 miles an hour, so you need stuff that uh to slow it, slow it down. So she said, instead of like um say I wanted to go and dig a hole over there to use an example, I wouldn't be thinking about digging a hole or actually getting a hole dug. I'll be thinking about what's going on in the future or what might happen to a daughter in the future, or worrying about stuff because I'm constantly, constantly in survival mode. So I've been giving metazopine for for the CPS, CPTSD. I'm just about to get me um medication for um the ADHD, which I've I've known of that all my life really, but they've just because I'm going for recovery and all that sort of stuff, then uh I'm gonna get that sorted as well. So I'm on all sorts of medication. So uh so and then I take another 150 milligram of cotyopine, I don't know, before I go to bed, usually about four o'clock. And um I meant to be on a certain script, but I'm I'm I I'm not a liar, so I'm just gonna come out with it anyway. I'll buy them off the black market. They're reducing me down slowly and they're doing a fantastic job. But I have asked for detox unit, it's the only way I'm gonna get off it, it's the only way I'm gonna get off it. Um but they don't they they won't listen to uh what I'm saying, so they so they are giving me a prescription of diazepine, but it's not enough to can to slow my brain down. Well, I thought the metazapine and the 45 milligram of 45 milligrams of metazepine and the the cotyapine might help, but I don't know, maybe it's a spiritual thing. Um I'm not I'm not 100% sure, or it's a mental thing, or they just put me in a category as I'm a I'm a schizophrenic, paranoid schizophrenic, so uh maybe they just put me in a category of that, right? That's that's the medicine you should take, and that's that. So I mean these people are qualified. So I mean, I I'm one of these people or give anything a try. So I'm just trying.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:39

Let me just pause you, because you were you were about to say, I know you didn't say it, but you were about to say, um, so that's why I might go off here and over there with my stories. Yes. And then you didn't actually did that without doing it. So that's what he was going to explain.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:52

At least you know I'm telling the truth.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:53

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what he was gonna explain. Um the first I've said that bit, and then and then yes, and then have you remembered? Now of it. Yes, I was going to say what the first time you had to start taking these things. And who diagnosed and decided you needed these things? What was the happening to you where they go, look, you need to start taking this? And by the way, just quickly, quickly, is actually what time did you get up? Four in the morning did a ten mile run this morning, haven't you?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:17

Oh no, no, it's uh two in the morning. Four o'clock, that's in total. I was up about half past one.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:21

So half past one. I don't sleep, I don't got up, he's done a ten mile run, then he's driven to Cheshire. Yes, he and he's and he's on them, obviously the the high dose.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:30

It's today, I've taken all the medication needed.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:32

But you still function, you're still strong and and I try I train every day.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:36

I've run I mean I've run ultra marathons, I'm gonna come come out into the good stuff in a bit.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:41

Yeah, but yeah. So yeah, so the first time you had to be medicated, what was you seeing or feeling or thinking?

SPEAKER_00 1:28:47

I had a breakdown about two years ago. Um this is probably why I get sectioned a lot because um there's a red man that follows me round.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:00

Um you're okay talking about this?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The de the devil's got older than me. I sold my soul years ago. I've I've made a deal or whatever you want to call it.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:11

So uh consciously made a deal or accidentally made a deal?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:15

I don't know how it happened, but it's just I d the devil's always been in me. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's inside me. I s I don't know, I I hear voices, it makes me do things I I uh normal people wouldn't do.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:30

Or consider doing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:31

So what I try and do every morning is get up and beat beat my try and beat my brain, which is very difficult, um, because of the the trauma what I've suffered. So what I try and do is I will get up at uh half past one or I can't sleep one night, so I will go to the gym and um uh I'm gonna veer off again now.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:54

That's right, we won't be right.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:55

I'm gonna veer off again because this is part of the story. When I come out, the forces I self-harmed. Now this I just wanted to feel something. I like pain. For some reason, I like pain. Um I've the the things I've done in the past I'm not proud of, the things the life the lives I've ruined, uh the people I've hurt, um the stuff I've done in Afghanistan, especially uh doesn't make me feel great. I mean I'm not gonna touch on all that actually, but um uh so so I self-harmed because I felt I needed to punish myself. I punish myself every day. Every day. Now, even now, yeah. Even now today. That like an 11 mile run to learn it just it break till till i train to excess. Whatever I do, I do to excess. It's not never just I don't I don't half ass anything. If I do something, I'm gonna I'll do do it to it.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:59

What have the psychiatrist said when you when you tell them this? What do they say?

SPEAKER_00 1:31:02

They to try and slow me down or with drugs? With with drugs. Don't they ever try and get in there and it's all it's it's I'm on trauma therapy at the minute, it's what I'm doing at the moment, trauma therapy.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:16

So but um I yeah how do they say you should deal because obviously I I I'm not uh not a psychiatrist, obviously, but like energetic, energetically and spiritually and whatever my path is with books and stuff and touched on psychology, but what do they what's their view on someone who say has done things as bad things happened to them that that they've done to other people? They can't say, yeah, that's right, Jimmy, you've got to punish yourself forever. That can't be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:47

No, no, no, because they don't they don't take they're trying to stop me doing that.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:51

Yeah, but what do they how do they but how do they get it in because you're now at a stage in your life where you feel um obviously you you're about to be baptised, aren't you?

SPEAKER_00 1:32:00

I'm about to be baptised in lamp's time, yeah. Christian, I'm just I'm I'm uh this is the thing with me. I'm gonna just I'm just all I'm trying to do is be a bit a bet a better human being. That's it.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:11

Yeah, so we'll jump we'll jump there, we'll jump there. But what I mean is what do they say is the answer like that without drugs and stuff to say, look, you can stop beating yourself up now or whatever. And you know, what is there do they go in there? Do they try and talk about that side of things? Do they say it's okay, Jimmy, that you did them things, or or does it look it's never okay you did them things, Jimmy, but there's nothing you can do about them now, or how do they deal with it?

SPEAKER_00 1:32:36

This is what I mean, it's just all talking. You talking or them, them talking. I mean, I've asked I've asked for places, I've asked to be sectioned before, I've asked to be put in a safe place, but all they seem to do is talk. So I so I mean I I don't think the psychiatrist is is doing me any good whatsoever because every time I go in there, I'm sort of not net, I'm never in a I'm never in a great mood. I'll put I put mask on all the time.

SPEAKER_05 1:33:04

Which is draining.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:05

Which is that if you try, I mean it's I'll give you an example. I mean I walk up the street and I see someone I know and I think, oh no, I mean I don't want him to want read, I want to talk to him, but when he sees me, I'm like, oh yeah, mate, how you doing all right? I don't know my persona suddenly changes, or I walk in the shop and all right, yeah, my darling, I'll say have a bit of banter or or talk, talk, talk, talk. And it's so it I'm sort of masking that nothing's wrong. And if the suicide attempts work one day, then uh I'm I know for a fact everyone to say, I don't know why he done that, he was the most happiest bloke in the world. But but it's always the case. It's always the case. So I'd um to answer your question, I had a breakdown. I started to run, and I just broke down and just started crying my eyes out, and I run combat stress and went through the process with them. This has been going on for two years now, mind. Um had a conversation with them, talking. Um, they couldn't take me in because of the state of my mental health. They no one wanted to take responsibility for me. So then I tried the Royal British Legion, Op Courage. I mean, I've got all the paperwork. Yeah, I've seen them, I've seen them right. I can validate you can validate Ob Courage, Safa, um, Royal British Legion. I've tried every single veteran's, and I'm not rubbishing them or whatever. Um, but Richie does. Richie does, yeah. Well, do you know what I agree with him because I mean, um, I'm not gonna name names, but um a uh man from the Royal British Legion came out to see me at uh uh Brinkworth Golf, sorry, Brinkworth Brinkworth Golf course. Uh we have a mental health nurse, and I told him what I do in the mornings, I can't sleep. I don't I do I mean uh I I I'm all I do is have visions, nightmares, serious PTSD. What's CPIT, by the way? Complex complex post-traumatic stress disorders. Um You told him that. I told him all this stuff. Um I'm I'm an absolute suicide case. Um I'm I I'm obsessed with death at the minute. I'm obsessed with death. At the minute, like now, yeah. I mean, yesterday, I'll come to that in a minute. I nearly never come here today.

SPEAKER_04 1:35:25

Um but um so then is that because you is that because of the guilt or the other things that have happened to you because of guilt?

SPEAKER_00 1:35:32

It's not about living or die, wanting to um it's about living with the things you've done. That's what I mean. It's like a like a guilt. It really is guilt and and and I'm really trying to do the right thing now. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 1:35:45

And I'm I'm if you went on this earth today, yesterday, yeah. All the people that you are going to help would lose out, wouldn't they? I don't all the people you want to and all the good you want to do, that would be they would lose out, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:36:00

But selfishly, I don't uh when when you can when you get into this dark hole of depression, I mean anyone who's who's I mean, jump in the comments. Uh but when you get down that down and that low and and you can't think straight. You can't think straight, and you just you feel worthless, you just want to get off get off the earth as soon as possible. You don't you don't you think it's the best idea in the world, but then three days later, I think, what the fuck? I've got I've I've I've got a look I've got a daughter of 15 years old. I've got you know what I mean? I've got a I've got a son as well who's uh 25 now, I think something like that. You still see them? No, no, I see my little girl, I don't see my boy. Um that's that's another another story for another time. But um Was you in his life for a while and then not, or is he just never really been? You were in his life a couple of years, yeah. But I wasn't a very nice man back then, and I got myself in a lot of trouble with a lot of very, very unsavoury, nasty people, and I thought I'd do the uh right thing by him. Get out of the way. Yeah, because they the gangsters, the again I hate using that fucking word gangsters, but um nasty people, you know what I mean. They they go for your family. I used that's what I that's what my niche was. You always hit them in the family first and then come to them last. That's what you do. But yeah, so I had a breakdown, um rung all these different charities. Um like I said, the Royal British Legion came out with a uh mental health nurse and said, Um, uh, you you got you're a big strong man. Look at you, you're running marathons, um, you're you're you're you're raising money for charity, you're doing good stuff, you you're on the right path, and all this lot. And this is an email after I've broke my heart and cried um and tried, really tried to reach out, uh bang it home as much as I can. If I'm I didn't think I was gonna make last Christmas, I didn't make a feeling I can't plan anything in the future because I don't know what mood I'm gonna wake up the next day. And it's a it's a fucking challenge every day. Every day's a challenge. I like a challenge, but just I just give it away.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:11

I've given you the fucking break from my brain. They've just given you the crack on, haven't they? Then I suppose which is what Richard's film's about telling army telling veterans to just crack on. Yeah, but this is the thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:24

So the more or less told you to crack on, yeah, and then you to you try and talk to people or open up a story. I mean, uh this is going to come at the end of this podcast, or you you talk about stuff and you just get bashed for it. Um, so yeah, I'd um so I got an email after uh seeing a mental health nurse from a Royal British Legion, even though they got millions and millions. I mean, I've I must have made them millions of millions because I would make pop. That's where all the poppies come from, M MCTC. So it spent a long time. Yeah, well, we sat and made them. That's well, I'm not saying all the poppies. I'm not I'm on that's a comment up that we used to make them all day, poppies in there as something you do. Um, so uh uh the so he he emailed me a couple of weeks later and just said, you you're a big strong man, blah blah blah. You're doing all right, you but if you need any curtains for your for your new place, I was sofa sofa at the time. If you need any curtains for your new place or a SETI, give us a shout. I'm your man. I'm just like do you know what I mean? I'm just thinking, wow. Do you know what I mean? So I've tried only and another thing as well, um Safa. Now I've run countless marathons for them and ran raised a hell of a lot of money. And I found a place called Tom Harrison House in Liverpool, and I was under psychiatrist there for a bit who who took her time, her time, not getting paid or anything like that. She'd because she was uh worried about me. Lovely woman, I'm not gonna mention her name again. Um, but she used to speak to me on a Zoom call every week. Um, and um that was my goal to get there, but I needed funding. So this is why I'm in CGL at the minute, so I can get the help that I need. Um, what do you need funding for? What was that for? Sorry. Tom Harrison House, which is a veteran-run uh uh rehabilitation. But you've got to pay for it yourself. Well, I haven't. If I go I uh it's it's about 14 grand. Yeah. But um uh so if I go through CG hours they can get government funding. If I lived in Liverpool, I'd be in there by now, but I don't. And it's the only place, the only the only place I mean out of the Royal British Legion, Safa, Ob Courage, trauma breakthrough. Um, I run a half-marathon for trauma breakthrough, raise a load of money for them. Um I don't know if I said it op courage. Um basically I've tried every single veteran charity there is, and it fucking pisses me off sometimes when you watch telly and these avats come on saying, Oh, um, we've got all this, we're gonna we can help. All you need to do is ring this number. All they do is signpost you to someone else, then signpost you to someone else, and then um up courage I thought I might get some funding. So I spoke to uh mentioning his name's Adam, I'll give you that one. But I spoke to him for m uh about a month and I said, Listen, I it doesn't make me feel good keep talking and opening up and and telling you all this this stuff. It it doesn't, it doesn't, it makes me feel sad after I finished talking because I've just gone through all my life, which is my life's been absolute how, really. Um and I'm I'm I'm not saying I'm not acting a victim. I'm not sitting here acting a victim. I caused it all myself. Um but you say you're reaching out and that's all I'm doing is talking. So I said to him, is there anything at the end of this? Am I gonna get any funding at the end of this? Am I gonna um are you gonna get me to where I need to go? So I need to, I want to go there. And he said, Well, no, I can't redo that, but I can signpost you to this charity. So basically, all I've done for the last two years is get signposted. So I've given up on the on the veteran side of it.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:12

What a shame.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:13

Um, and what they what they say is they um is not what they do. So I I've given up on that. I've run Safa. This is the this is the not the funny thing, obviously, but um I've raised so much money for them running for them. I've even said, could you fund me? And I will you know how much I've raised for you. Um if you fund me the money to get the help I need, I'll give it you back. I'll do them runs and I'll give you the money back, I'll pay you the back, it'd be like a loan. Um, and they still wouldn't give me the funding. It's just madness. I don't get it.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:50

Well, that well, that's what Rich's aim is doing. That's what he's doing, that's his little mission.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:55

Lovely fella as well. Do you know what I mean? It it's just if that's his mission, I'm I'm on point.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:59

It's his mission. It is, yeah, he's quick he calls him out. So so the so you're what what I'm trying to what I'm trying to pinpoint, I suppose, is that the point where you've gone that they've got they've gone. Maybe not the veteran side, there's NHS or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 1:43:16

It is the NHS, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:43:17

Yeah, have gone, this guy needs this tablet, that tablet, he's having then these and and the things that like you said, you had, you know, I don't know, his voices or whatever it is, or the red man which we're talking about. When did they start? When did that when did that start?

SPEAKER_00 1:43:31

These happened with like a long um like teenage years, or we're talking like late 20s, after the army, before the army. Well, my sister always used to say I had the devil in me from when I was a young age. I was I was always very volatile. But you could box that off as ADHD or or whatever, or just being a naughty a naughty child, I was always a naughty child, I was always getting in trouble into fights. Um I'm not negotiating to that because I'm trying to either impress anyone or say I'm I'm this and I'm that or whatever, this not that sort of podcast. I've done all that. Um where were we again?

SPEAKER_04 1:44:07

So when did when did have you got an early memory of that mental health change, that real go over the edge change where you've where you're thinking, fucking hell, that's a voice, or that's the the you know, I mean those those sides.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:17

Do you know what? I don't know when it happened, but I've got so used to it. There's about six people living in my brain at the moment now, and it and one of them just hums all the time, and it's really fucking annoying. But um I've must be torture. It's it's it's this is this is it, but the drugs aren't working then. The drugs don't the drugs they're that all they do is like they today. Stop me getting aggressive about it.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:38

Stop you getting irritated by it.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:40

Stop me getting well, it doesn't even stop the voices or the the noise in my head, but it does quiet and down a bit, and I can I can function in normal life. I mean, I've not got a I'd I did have a job until I'd done um I did a podcast a couple of years ago. I was working for a company called PHS, but I'd I'd I'd done a uh podcast and then uh they someone's seen it or whatever, and they I was working in dentists in fit and air conditioning and they said we can't have you on the team. Oh yeah, yeah, it's they're not gonna be we're not gonna be with us anymore. So I lost that and then uh Did they say that was the reason? Well, not in so many words, but it was the reason, right? Because one of my mates said that nowadays seeing that then do you know what I mean? They can't have that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they made it up some excuse. I've been actually signed off now. Um so I'm I've been signed off work, so I can't I can't work with the amount of medication I take. So I've basically been writ off.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:46

Um That's what I was gonna say before you just had all if you just stopped all medication. Oh my god. What would um what would Jimmy look like there? Really?

SPEAKER_00 1:46:03

Um Would that really be you really believe that?

SPEAKER_04 1:46:06

I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. Um even the Jimmy that's the karma Jimmy that's the that's thinking about getting baptized, that Jimmy, would then just be overwhelmed.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:15

Basically I I know I'm like off my med. If I don't take the medication, I'd all that comes in is darkness. This is why I'm I'm I'm doing the going down a spiritual journey to try and get this thing out of me that's attached. I and this is what I mean. Uh but I'm off I mean I'm heavily sedated now, but I can communicate and and I'm I can talk or whatever. I might be a bit slower, I might get a few things wrong, but you haven't though off off my meds. I'm I'm turning to this Tasmanian devil who's got my emotions are everywhere, my my brain's everywhere, the voices get louder, they tell me to do horrible things to people and would that be random people or people that have done you wrong? I can give you an example. I was out running one morning uh in Hinton Pava in a country, and I've you know them true I shouldn't really be saying this, but don't do it if you don't want to, don't you? No, no, no. I'd I'll give you an ex an example. I didn't do it anyway, but um there was a woman putting uh uh I was off my meds. So um I'm think uh as soon as I'm off my med, just like this thing gets in me. So she's putting a bin out, and it was early in the morning, it was dark, and I was thinking, do you know what there'd be no connection if I murdered an owl or I'd or I'd I'd I'd hit her with a brick and do you know what I mean? And then and run off because no one knows of me, and uh that then these these thoughts come into your head. I didn't do it, yeah, yeah. Um but this is this is what I mean by these ideas, but sometimes they come into fruition, but other times they they don't, do you know what I mean? And then but I've also got people pulling me back to the old days, if you know what I mean, making calls. Um can you help me with this problem? Usually I can sort stuff out with a phone call because I'm quite again, I'm not glorifying anything because I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 1:48:16

They don't want you to come around, do they, is what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 1:48:18

So the the just just you saying I mean, I've I can got um I've got where's all the paperwork? I mean, I've just been pulled in on Valentine's Day, literally for um Yeah, you showed me that one. Uh it's quite good actually, because it saved me a few quadrant flowers, but it's a Valentine's Day. I mean, there's someone yeah, but these people ring me up and say, could you help someone? Uh they're in a lot of trouble. But this is what I do. I do this is what heart I've got. Um I've got a big heart but a very dark soul. That's that's when we you asked me that that's I was gonna say that to go back to who are you? Yeah, who are you? Very I've got a very big heart but a dark soul. I mean, there's um there's a girl. I'm gonna go off on a tangent. Let me address this one first. So he rang me up and said, There's a lad that's in a lot of trouble. There's um so I said, Okay, what sort of trouble is he? And get him to give me a ring, get him to give me a bowel, and so I was voice noting him and all this sort of sort of stuff, and um there's a firearm involved. Um suddenly, um uh the police arrested me on conspiracy or murder. You mean I've took I don't know where paperwork is, I've got it. I've seen it, I've seen it. But um so I got arrested. I wasn't I mean, once they know that I'm the the the police are very weary of me. Um they don't want you to be Jimmy Off the Mads and about, do they? Yeah, they don't want me out and about. They rather I mean I'm under the Mental Health Act, they like that. So uh they can get you whenever they want, or well they can get me when they had me yesterday, the police had me yesterday. Um I wasn't gonna come here today and do this, but um I just wanna say that I'm I'm honest and I'd I I'd if I'd say I'd do something, I'll do it. Um and so I turned up. I always turn up for everyone, but people don't turn up for me half the time. That's that that's the problem. Um so I had a conversation on the phone with him. The police got, I don't know, he must have been being watched or something like that, and I said something along the lines of I'm heavy weapons trained. I could do what I mean, it's um it's if it's coming to that that sort of problem, I might be able to sort that problem out for you, but I might be able to sort out of a phone call. Next thing you know, they got me under conspiracy to murder. So they kept me in for 24 hours, so I'm not gonna get remand. Um, I wasn't gonna get remand, and I was looking at a 20-year sentence for conspiracy to murder, and then at half six the next day, they kept me in there, they didn't give me any medication, so my brain was absolutely wrung out. Um, I don't know, no comment interview, and then the next day, uh half past six, uh the the custody sergeant come in. This is only going back a little while, and he said uh that um it's been dropped down to conspiracy to GBH, so I'm thinking you've got fucking absolutely fuck all it means. But the other lad's locked up uh obviously because he got caught with a firearm and or whatever, but um um so uh I went to court that day, Miss Lissard said you're not gonna be getting out. She said you'll be going on remand, and I'm thinking you they they they got me with this one. Do you know what I mean? Um they'll probably just let me write in there if I'm being honest, because I have got away with a hell of a lot of stuff, and they've had me in I don't know, four times in the last two years. Um kidnap, um aggravated burglary um was one of them. I didn't rob nothing. I just went into someone's house and done something horrible, but um this is this is a long while back. I did say a couple of years ago, but this is long back. That would was I mean I see and and uh one a kidnap. But it I I don't know, I get away with a lot of stuff anyway, basically. So they they they worry that I'm out and about so that I'm better off sedated at home.

SPEAKER_04 1:52:26

Yeah, where they know they can you cannot get into any bother.

SPEAKER_00 1:52:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the world's a safer place when I'm watching coronation shit like that.

SPEAKER_04 1:52:35

Well yeah, and um so we're saying about because that that that come from me that conversation was led by me saying what would happen if you were off off everything, wasn't it? So yeah, so did the frightening So it is it is doing something.

SPEAKER_00 1:52:48

Yeah, the frightening thing is they're trying to get me off of it all. But um off the meds. Off no, they give me these um metazapine and catyapine and antipsychotics and all this thought. It doesn't seem to be working. The only thing that works for me that slows me down and makes me think before I do stuff is diazepan, xanax or tamazopan or sedation drugs. That's only that's that's my view on it.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:19

Have you ever done have you ever done um or heard of like the teracral? No, the psychedelic side of things, like the mushrooms or oh, I don't know about that years ago.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:27

Remember the red microdots and stuff like the raves.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:30

That's the acid side of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:31

Yeah, I've done all that.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:33

The record nowadays a lot of in different countries they use they use the psychedelics to create new neurons to create to help with the depression, and but that's not not helped then.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:43

It's not I haven't been down at Avenue, but this is this is what I'm on about the old. Yeah, just a regular.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:49

I mean, there's these mushrooms, the people that use the mushrooms now.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:51

That's something I can explore.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:52

Yeah, because it's proven, isn't it? Some countries are using it. I had a girl on the other day called Neve, I Neve Westgill. Um she's called Westgirl, a musician because Edgar's West. And she's better with drugs bipolar. And and and she was saying how the psychedelics and mushrooms help.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:08

Did they?

SPEAKER_04 1:54:08

Because they they re they physically change the brain, the patterns of the brain to stop you going too dark, too dark and depressive and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:16

So you but then how I'm just having how that would with you because I've always wondered um where that where it all comes from because it's just maybe I don't even remember the mocha dots, but I remember taking them and I unlocked the secrets of the world and the galaxy and stuff like that. But it's all stuff that's in your brain already. It must be. Yeah, I know. And the next day you wake up and think, what the fucking hell was that? What was that? Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, it takes you to make madness.

SPEAKER_04 1:54:41

Yeah, and what they're saying, once you've opened these pathways, they can't be closed because you've seen it now, you know where.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:45

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:54:46

But the but the the mushroom side obviously is more natural, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mushroom. Do you know what I mean? And it's so, but I was just thinking, you could ask that how can that work if you're on proper chemical tablets and you can't come off them because of what the dark soil comes out, and then you've got that gap there, aren't you? That's it. You've got to get you quick because there's a gap where you're off the meds to try and try something else or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 1:55:09

Well, I'm scared of what's underneath. I'm scared of what's underneath. I'm not not for my sake, uh other people's safety, really. So I I so I'm trying to get reduce the DASA pan, which is the only thing I'm on that works for me. I know it works for me in my brain. It's the only thing that has kept me not doing stuff, and they're trying to get me off it.

SPEAKER_04 1:55:34

So when you were when you were going back in your past, obviously we're not gonna well see if you want to how much you want to go into it, but in your past, the things you'd done were led by like you were saying, like each member of your family's got something inside them to have to be good at what they do, yeah, and achieve what they want. So the but the in the past before you were on these these drugs, so your dark soul was able to run riot, if you like, in that lifestyle. Does that make sense, yeah? Yeah. So was that but the things you did, it's not going to be, I assume, or that's what I'm asking the question. You know, you said you were jogging down the streets, all the woman, oh, I could just do that. Then no, no, no, I'll just do it. But when you were in that world, was that you didn't need to was it always somebody was also part of that world that got hurt? Is I suppose what I'm asking.

SPEAKER_00 1:56:15

Yeah, I'd never done anything to anyone that didn't do. I don't know if they deserved it, or you know. They were involved somehow in that world. Usually financial matters, or I mean, I didn't used to get involved in domestics, I used to watch drug deals go down and they used to get paid for that and stuff like that. And I've done some very um unsavoury things. I mean, I I've found this ability to to um I don't know, practice makes perfect, I suppose, but I've got this ability to go into people's houses and get them out probably while they're still in bed with their wives, if you want. Um I'm just I plan stuff meticulously um and I I execute it uh very well. Um I'm not saying I could, but um I'd you I don't know if you you married or you've got a girlfriend. I'm telling you. I used to be able to get in, watch them for a week, and psychopathically I could be able to go and get them out. Yeah, and watch what they do, and usually I not well, I didn't fail yet, but I could get them into a boot and go and do what I wanted with them, really. I was giving them the sort of free reign, uh, which was to achieve the job. Yeah, to achieve a job, which wasn't a great thing, but this this it's just the world I lived in. But um, it started off with the drugs and it goes then it escalates to that. Um and I I blame on uh addiction. Addiction was a massive thing for me. I was addicted to cocaine, alcohol, um so but uh I man I managed to beat the cocaine, I managed to beat the um I don't crack as well, I mean I was I'll own it. Uh but I don't know what I don't know what everyone raves on about the crack for because the crack never I don't know, it never done nothing for me. I was expecting this great big buzz, but nothing, never I just nothing. Nothing. I just thought, what's the point in that? I was expecting this great big thing and nothing happened, I'd rather have a line. So I don't know, I'd done all that, beat all that. I got myself in some real deep trouble with some very high profile people, and I managed to escape that, and that was one of the reasons why I went into the to the army because I had this stupid I mean, I have these fucking stupid ideas. I thought, you know what? If I got in there, who's gonna look for me in there? I'm just gonna look for me in there. So so in doing that, I I'm when I got in. It's true though, isn't it? Who is gonna look for you in there? No one's gonna look for me in there. So I managed to get in and I thought, wow, the plan works. I remember going into Bristol um recruitment thing. They never should I never should have been in there in the first place, psychologically, mentally, whatever. But they the Afghan war was on, so they took me. Um but um yeah, and I think that fucked me up even more because I was given another free reign to go and do exactly what I want. In a war zone, yeah, in a war z in a war zone, but um uh I'm not gonna go into all the military stuff because every veteran seems to hate me for some reason. I don't know why, but um I've I've addressed a lot of stuff at the end of this one anyway, so hopefully I'm trying to try and change people's minds about it. But so I was given a free reign with that, then I managed to escape, and I've I managed to escape that side of my world, uh the uh the criminal side of my world, and then I managed to get into the world where you're allowed to go and murder people, so it was it was yeah, just a just a whole loaf of violence, really. But I did get addicted to violence. I mean you you you uh it is extreme orders anything, any sort of violence, just it's just I don't know. I mean, you you knock people out, you hit them and you knock them out, and it's it's all good and clever and all that lot, but when you knock so many, so many people out, knocking them out's no good anymore. I want to try and take it a little bit more, but that's the thing with me. I try and take things right to this as far as I could go with them. Do you know what I mean? It's uh uh all comes under addiction again. 5k I started running, then it wasn't no good. I wanted to do 10k, then it was 10k is no good. I want to do half a marathon, then it was marathons, and I mean then you find yourself running 112 miles across the uh uh uh lake district. Do you know what I mean? I'm done. I don't want to do marathons anymore, I want to do ultra marathons, so then I'm I can I mean I could get up now and run 50 miles if I wanted to, do you know what I mean? It's and sedated. I know I was fast thinking when you were saying it obviously.

SPEAKER_04 2:00:55

Have you ever looked into that side of yours? I don't know how to look into that bit of you. That extreme addiction, that extremeness. Has that ever been looked into that any of the doctors that have tried to help or anything?

SPEAKER_00 2:01:06

Not really, no, nothing. No, they say, oh, yeah, yeah, exercise is brilliant. Which is do you know what? If I didn't exercise um or I didn't do all these silly runs, I don't know, I don't know where I'd be. But but the the thing is now, Alex, is that um I'm nearly 50, so um I'm strapping myself up with painkillers, I've got injured, I've just injured me glute muscle, I've ripped my bicep off, I've I've I've um smashed my body to fucking pieces. It's just like car. If you rag it round long enough, and I'm I'm even I'm it makes me feel anxious and scared um of when I can't perform or I can't stuck. If I was thinking that then we haven't got to sit there. What am I gonna do? So I mean I've what am I gonna do? I don't I I haven't um I'm just I don't know, I still probably go to the gym or I'll find something else. I mean I've I've done my legs in before, so I've done always done the upper body parts of my body just to get the pace over that or cut myself. And then I've I've ripped my bicep off, so I'll I'll go running. Do you know what I mean? I've I've got to keep active, I've got to get up, I've got to do something to balance myself out for the day. Um otherwise I get these dark thoughts all the time.

SPEAKER_04 2:02:23

You know the things that that that haunt you and the regret and those sort of things is uh something might say it's above my paygrow really. I'm trying I'm just trying to I'm trying to help, I suppose. It's not like you can nip over to the war zone and make it right, or you can nip to some of these people and and have that and make it right. Yeah, that's what I mean. And it's like are they not no one seems to actually be able to give a fuck. Do you know what? Or help you properly, like can't these what's the point in having these people just if they're just gonna dose you up, there you go. Until until what?

SPEAKER_00 2:03:02

Until when, like you say, when things are willing to do it.

SPEAKER_04 2:03:04

There must be some really clever people out there that could get in into your into your mind and your soul and help and help you to because you want to do good, you want to give back, you want to do these things. This is what But you're saying I I I'm trying to do it, but I'm hampered. I've got this thing around my ankle, it's poly, I can't, it's there. Yeah, someone help get it off, because then I can go help properly. Yeah, but but and and and but no one seems to be able to give you that help to do it. No, I know this is. I think it's impossible. We can get on the moon, surely there's a way to get into Jimmy's head and soul and say, yeah, we've helped chat a bit now, it's a bit lighter. I can't do some more good.

SPEAKER_00 2:03:40

I can't find anything. And I always say, I don't I mean I've I say it quite a lot, but the only person that you no one's coming back to save you, no one's ever come back to save me. I've um my mum died at a young age, so I never had any family home to go back to, of um, none of my family to speak to me, so I was I just manage on my own. I so I've managed on my own for years, I'd just done done myself, I always managed, and that was that. It was just I just it was just I never had no one. I never had no one to run to.

SPEAKER_04 2:04:10

Yeah, it's like you've been running like downhill all your life fast. And you've never been able to just stop. But then on the way, because you've been running so fast, you've collected these things these goes for these regrets and you've collected them on the way. And now you want to stop and chill that you can't because you've got all these things that because as you've stopped, they've gone you.

SPEAKER_00 2:04:29

So now you've got it's like and I will stand accountable for the things I've done. And I I'm very honest with yourself. I'll give you that, you're very honest with yourself. You don't hide. I'm very um uh very hard on myself every every day. I'm I'm really, really hard on myself about uh the things I do, and I'm I want a forgiveness, that's why I'm trying to go down a god route. Um but yeah, I get up and judge myself every day, and I don't judge anyone else. I stand accountable. That's one thing I do do. I stand accountable for the things I've done.

SPEAKER_04 2:05:01

But do you want to understand the science behind it, even if it's helpful or not, Jimmy? It's come to me, but anything days of school days. But there's there's a the science behind it, right? So it's like there's this oh, what's he saying? If um uh man steps into the river, but he's not the same man, he's not the same river. Where so it the water's going past because the water's going past, and he's evolving himself. Yep. So even scientifically, because we shed our skin so much, and blah blah. Literally, that wasn't the same Jimmy. Physically, yeah, in every way, that did those things, it wasn't the same Jimmy, was it?

SPEAKER_00 2:05:33

No, no, I'm stuck.

SPEAKER_04 2:05:35

So you're this Jimmy now is full of regret for somebody different almost.

SPEAKER_00 2:05:40

Oh, just on pain. What do you mean? 100% I get it. I've never looked at that before.

SPEAKER_04 2:05:46

That's that's that's scientifically and spiritually, that guy that performed and did those things, you're saying either he did do those things, you've only did those things, and and but you're saying I so I'm now the current Jimmy now has got to be punished every day for that, Jimmy. But really, that's like if I said to you, Oh, Jimmy, um, I did something really bad when I was younger. Can you just add that to yours for me, please? Yeah. You'd be like, Why would I?

SPEAKER_00 2:06:13

I might as well.

SPEAKER_04 2:06:15

That's on Jimmy D. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nowhere near your never mate. But what I'm saying is, if it's kind of if you look at it, it is like a because I can see you're an intelligent, um, like analytically mind man. And and sometimes like you screw. Like I I'm similar, I'm both actually. I'm very analytical and uh intelligent, but I'm also very emotionally and the spiritual energy side of things, but you can always box it off um and in your head. I if I said to you, Jimmy, I did this when I was younger, and I really regret it. So will you have it, please? You go, well you know about Alex, no? That's your thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So, but it it's the same thing, innit? Because this wasn't you, was it? Yeah, physically, everything of that wasn't you. You I guess. I never looked at it. Never looked at it. Because we are all like I took Evolving. We're all we're constantly evolving physically and energetically and spiritually. Do you see what I mean like for example? Like, you um you messaged me, but I'll give you another example. I messaged uh Zaneve who came on, the girl I was just telling you about Westgill, the musician. I messaged her. So I just saw Neve on this Instagram and I thought, oh, she's a vibe. I'm I'm vibing with her. Would you come on? Can I interview Peace? I didn't know. She had literally similar to you. The week before she had a setback with her drugs, she's on methadone, trying to uh come off heroin, she's done amazing. She is, and she's got a really great life going ahead of her. She was uh she had a really tough past, really like you know, been abused, whatever. And I didn't know any of those things. See what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 2:07:57

But you picked up.

SPEAKER_04 2:07:58

But what I'm saying is I saw Neve for who she was right now, yeah. And I didn't see Neve.

SPEAKER_00 2:08:04

It's a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_04 2:08:05

See what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm just looking at Neve now, and then she's so to me, Neve was this happy, childlike wonder of the world, and so and I was like, oh, she's got a right vibe. And she was like, we were like both ADHD and off, like and uh I think you know, like I've interrupt was interrupting you before before the podcast. So what I'm saying is the Jimmy that contacted me was the Jimmy that I've said yes to. Yeah, and it's the Jimmy that's in front of me today, isn't it? Yeah, do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 2:08:34

Not the old one, yeah. Not the old one, yeah. I get you. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 2:08:36

Yeah, like yeah, say again, not on your level, but say back in the day you had a couple of connections to naughty people, and someone said, uh, hey up, Alex. There's a guy called Jimmy from Finger, he wants to have a word with you and he wants to have a chat with you, and then uh and I'd be like, oh, and I'm alright, mate. Yeah, I'm all right. You just told Jimmy stay that and I'm alright. See what I'm saying? Yeah, so that there is two, there's two Alexes and two Jimmies, and and and and it's this Jimmy, isn't it? Why is this physical Jimmy who's in front of me who I just see as Jimmy, yeah, I don't know Jimmy, old, I don't know who that was, I don't know any of them things before. I I the Jimmy that I've met for a coffee this morning, I've had a chat with. He doesn't smoke, but I did, either. I was like, he's having a fag on me outside, yeah. All these things. And if that Jimmy was saying to me, Alex, you know, I'm I'm really fucking beating myself up because that lad across the road there ran over that puppy over there. I'd be like, What do you mean, Jimmy? Why would you beat yourself up because that lad done that? And then you know what I mean. Is it just a different different? I'm just trying to think of a different way to look at it. Yeah, scientifically, that wasn't it.

SPEAKER_00 2:09:44

You just done more there in them words than a psychiatrist had done for fucking years. I didn't look at it that it's in interest, that's it.

SPEAKER_04 2:09:53

You're beating yourself up for something that you you haven't done. Because this Jimmy hasn't done it, has he?

SPEAKER_00 2:10:01

Do you know what?

SPEAKER_04 2:10:02

This Jimmy This Jimmy could be whatever Jimmy he wants to be. You could be a different Jimmy tomorrow if you and the Jimmy, the Jimmy that I know, because I only care about the guy that's in front of me, the five that he's giving off. I love you too. You messaged me once and I said, Oh, I was just thinking about you. Oh, what's your name? Dirty bad. But what I'm saying is the Jimmy in front of me is now, so the Jimmy's in front of me now wants to do good. And and we and we spoke about intent briefly, didn't we? Intent, and your intent to do good shouldn't be for that Jimmy. I think this is only my opinion, by the way. Go on. I can't be I'm not right on it's just my opinion.

SPEAKER_01 2:10:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:10:43

But your intent, if if it was with love and wanting to do good because you just want to do good for that person or help that person or help that child, then that is a whole different intent to I'm doing it because I need to make that right. What are you making that right for? Just go and do it, just go and do it.

SPEAKER_00 2:10:57

See what I mean? Do you know do you know what it is?

SPEAKER_04 2:10:58

Doesn't have any sense, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:11:00

It does that make absolute sense. Does it, yeah? It really honestly does. And that's a that's a a wonderful way of looking at it. It really is. But recently I've gone for a job um in and uh looking after vulnerable kids and stuff like that. Because what I do in my time now, instead of um just sitting about moping about, being miserable and stuff like that, obviously go training, doing uh got my routine, walk my dogs in the morning, have a coffee, that's all I need. Um uh but I I I do want to help people and it would be nice to get paid for it. But I worked out what my my benefits are and what um I would have lost money getting this job because the money weren't very good, but I could have helped. I've got so much knowledge. I'm not saying I know how to do life because I fucking don't. Um I I'm still learning now, but I know how not to do it. And you could come to me with any problem, and I've probably done that earner or. I've probably people come up to uh me in in the in a town uh where where I'm from and ever everyone sort of knows me. I sort a lot of people's problems out by just making a few a few phone calls or um everyone comes to me for uh what do you think about this advice and stuff like that? And I I do I I've got a lot of experience in a lot of different arenas. I know I know I could do good if I was given a chance. But when you say the old Jimmy, the new Jimmy, so I went for this job, I nearly got it, but I didn't. Um this is what I mean to like because of my past. So that so that not upset me, but then you think right the past keeps coming back to haunt you all the time. I mean, I just got arrested on conspiracy to murder um just because I had a conversation again. The past, boom, it it it you can't not saying you you you your perception of that is fantastic, but then you the reality kicks in.

SPEAKER_04 2:13:00

Yeah, but my yeah, you're right, you're right. And and and that's the the 3D government y world. It's just the same as someone watching this podcast who knows some of the things that you have done because you mentioned them on other podcasts, will be like, he can't he can't ever be forgiven for them things and whatever, and that's just a whole societal issue, which which everyone debates for the whole of time, and they'll do it from the Roman times till now and they'll debate forgiveness and rehabilitation. We can't do anything about you can't please everybody.

SPEAKER_00 2:13:26

I would say I would why I would say that why why would you want to talk to someone who's just read a book, a psychiatrist who's just read a book? No one's ever walked in my shoes, no one ever knows what what's going on in my brain, no one no one ever will. I don't even understand my brain. It's a very fucking dark and horrible place, and it's very comp complicated.

SPEAKER_04 2:13:46

What I'm getting at is is that because it's attached to the old Jimmy still, that's wrong.

SPEAKER_00 2:13:49

Yeah, but I'm not gonna get I'm trying to get away from that. So, I mean, like even with the South Armin, so I've I've tried to switch everything round. So instead of cutting myself and doing that, I've I've I've I've I've run, I mean, just just Christmas just gone. I there's a lad called Ryan, and he jumped in the comments, hopefully. Um he's a lovely lad. He goes round Woolwich and the most dangerous place in London, it's a protected kids patrol. Now he goes out and he takes noise off people, go approaches gangs, and he's he's not like the no no well. I don't he's got some balls, so I'll give you a big thing.

SPEAKER_04 2:14:29

Yeah, I definitely got the balls.

SPEAKER_00 2:14:30

Um he'll approach gangs and say, Look, I can take your nose off you, sort of thing. He's got a little girl himself. He'd never had no money, I'd never have a pot of piss, and I've borrowed him money a couple of times and stuff like that. So I said to him, Do you know what, mate? I'm gonna I'll I'll you set a GoFundMe page up and I'll I'll run a marathon for you. So I managed to raise him 750 quid for Christmas. Um by and and I'm self. My psychiatrist says not to call it self-harming, but I can't, I'm so used to it. I've self-harmed, I've and but I'm doing something productive with the self-harming. I'm I'm I'm helping people. Do you know what I mean? I just call it instead of self-harming. Just being kind to yourself or training, that's what you need to call it. Oh, you you mean don't associate self-harm with the exercise. Yeah, but that's the if I didn't do that, then I'd be cutting myself to bits, but like I've done before. Um, so I mean I I take kids off the streets at the moment. I take kids off the streets at the moment.

SPEAKER_04 2:15:27

Now you do this now.

SPEAKER_00 2:15:28

I do this now, yeah. I've got a boxing club. Um I have not my boxing club, but I got um uh I've I mentor kids. I've got a I'm just gonna try and start a charity. Uh I mentor uh kids. Um people are in gangs. Some some mums approach me sometimes and saying he's he's in a lot of trouble. Can you come and have a word with him? And I try and tell them my story. And um I'm I'm all I say is that it might be all fun what you're doing now, but you one day you will have to pay the piper. And and a lot like don't get me wrong, I've had so much I don't want any money anymore. I don't want I don't want uh fame, fortune. That's what everyone thinks. So if I had a load of money, I could do whatever I want. I've had I've had that, been there, done it. It doesn't, it turned me into a a monster. Um would it now though? Wouldn't now, would it? Well, if I had a load of money, yeah, you give it away you'd be helping. I'd probably give it away, it'd be honest.

SPEAKER_04 2:16:23

Well not give it away, but you'd be helping with it, wouldn't you?

SPEAKER_00 2:16:24

Yeah, I would help or set something up if I had the funding or something like that. But um yeah, today so I mean I'd I've worked with um Rage UK, I work with MCP Productions, I work with SM Fight Club, and it gives me a purpose. So I'm taking kids off there, giving them a purpose, training them, and um um trying to I mean give them helping them, but I'm training them as well, so it's like I don't know, it's I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_04 2:16:54

You don't need you don't you don't need someone to to validate you with a job as such if you want to give back, you're giving back, you're doing it.

SPEAKER_00 2:17:00

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it anyway, but it would be nice to um to do it. Them them kids who go in them places. I mean, I've I mean local to where you are, this is. This is local to where I I mean this this job was in Oxford, which is just up the road from me, but um would have been perfect for me, and I was so excited about getting it because I could actually sit down and I've been through probably what they've been through, and I I know the way I've dealt with it, which is completely the wrong way. So I could probably steer these kids in a in a better direction than the people who have got them at the moment. There's a girl who was um sexually abused not long ago, and her family's come to me, and and I've been speaking to her uh quite a lot, and she's told me a lot she's opened up to uh uh to me than she would to her to a family member because it is embarrassing. I mean, I'm I mean, I'm not saying I'm glad my mum's dead, but um she never knew what was going on with me, so and I'm I'm glad she didn't because it would have broke her heart if I'm honest. So um yeah, where was I when this was happening with Carl? Yeah, you feel she's no need for to feel them things, isn't it? Exactly it, and it's and uh sometimes if you tell your parents I've known people who who tell their parents that something's happened and they don't look at them the same anymore. Do you know what I mean? It's it's it's see it in their eyes.

SPEAKER_04 2:18:22

But I can yeah, but these these these kids, if you can get them at a young age and get them uh training or disciplined or or what you're saying, what you're saying is because what happened to your life was it got internalised, turned into rage, turned into anger, turned into the the dark soul, if you like. Yeah, and you're saying, yeah, there's there's different ways you could deal with this. Yeah, yeah. It ain't going dark and deep.

SPEAKER_00 2:18:48

I've done it completely the wrong way. I was vulnerable, I've lost my mum. I I went uh I'd dad's not about, is he?

SPEAKER_04 2:18:55

He wasn't about.

SPEAKER_00 2:18:56

Never around, never had any father figures, so I just I was hanging on to anything I could get, really.

SPEAKER_04 2:19:01

You just see a see uh an older man and he's now your old model into the next yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:19:05

Yeah, and then but these people, um I mean, these people, they they they st maybe they see your vulnerability or they see your skills. I mean, I've done a lot lots of unlicensed fighting, so people see me do all that sort of thing, so they thought we could be quite useful. Instead, and I'm thinking, oh, I I could go and do this and that, and uh, and again, turning a quick buck. So I basically just uses you. Everyone just uses you. That's why I've sort of given up on life, I've given up on people. Um that's a shame. That's the one of the that's one of the saddest things you've said in this whole podcast. Well, I could say something funny funny if you want, but it was what I mean is like recognise that level of they're all shit.

SPEAKER_04 2:19:53

Yeah, but it's horrible. My my experience.

SPEAKER_00 2:19:55

That's no hope.

SPEAKER_04 2:19:56

Hope is a very strong emotion to have it, keeps you going, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:19:59

Well, I'm hoping I can change people's lives, I'm hoping I can do but the best by my daughter. I'm I'm trying I'm I'm a good husband. I'd I um um what was I talking about before?

SPEAKER_04 2:20:12

The giving back to the kids in a different way.

SPEAKER_00 2:20:14

Yeah, giving uh yeah, I could give back some I'd put some good into someone's life, which makes me feel better about the bad things that I've done instead of me I'm that's why you went down that road because I said about it just come to me.

SPEAKER_04 2:20:29

I didn't like plan it, obviously, or anything, is um about seeing that Jimmy is scientifically or whatever, not you. Like you wouldn't take responsibility for anything I've done in the past, so why are you taking responsibility for anything that Jimmy's done in the past? Same thing. Yeah, it's exactly the same thing because you're not that guy. Society and somebody watching this might be like, what's he on about? He's done bad, and that's that, and whatever. That's quite a lot of small-minded people saying to society. I don't know what's right or wrong and how to govern a whole society. I'm not a Roman Emperor, but and everyone's got a different opinion.

SPEAKER_00 2:20:55

That's what I mean. I've done bad, you deserve it.

SPEAKER_04 2:20:57

If he's if he's killed somebody, then he should die, and that's that. That's somebody's opinion. They don't want to know the details of it, they just want to go, that's that. Um so everyone's got different opinions, and you you're never gonna be able to please everybody, it's impossible.

SPEAKER_00 2:21:07

This is why I don't get this is why I don't use the internet uh or I did I don't this is why I'm on no social media, no one can find me, um, no one can uh get hold of me, no one can um I don't I don't want to be I mean I could possibly see because I was gonna funny yeah because sorry to interrupt you I'm really sorry I'm really sorry.

SPEAKER_04 2:21:25

Sorry, but I was gonna because that just came out quickly, because I was going to about that, and then and then I was and then the next thing was the intent. So the if the intent to help people was because you wanted to help them not to make your thing right again. So there's two if you went down just explored, obviously after we psychiatrists explored those two things. Hang on, that wasn't me physically and that wasn't me. And I want to help these people not to right Jimmy's wrongs because I want to help, I want to be present and help that person, and that's good for Jimmy now, it's good for that person now. It's not about the past, yeah, and it's that acceptance of and and going forward. And that was that was that I was gonna kind of leave that one there, and then um, where was I gonna go next with that thing?

SPEAKER_01 2:22:03

Yeah, you want to reel back.

SPEAKER_04 2:22:07

I'll do it ago. Um well you made me do it now, Jimmy. Oh no, I was gonna go somewhere next. And what was what was you saying? I've done it now. Um okay, yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:22:22

Let's just let's just say something else about it. I'll say something else about me as well. Is um like um I mean uh online I've got tracked. That was it! That was it, okay, good. That was it. Fuck take on it. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 2:22:38

So you could use your online thing though, and you could just go live or do a post each day to help people and you'd help them en masse. That was it, go on, come on.

SPEAKER_00 2:22:44

But do you know what? Do you know what? Um sorry, no, no, no, this is good. This is good, this is good. The reason I haven't done all that is because of the experience I had on the first podcast. Spoiler. Um, which we which is gonna come in a minute or whatever, and I'm gonna I'm I'm really hoping that I can change people's minds and expose a certain person who's portrays himself as something. Now I want to portray myself as something as well. Yeah I'm absolutely real. I was offered uh a film deal, I've got the contract here. You uh um I'd set it up.

SPEAKER_04 2:23:22

I've seen it, you've got to see it.

SPEAKER_00 2:23:23

Right, I've got a contract from Terry Stone wanting to do a documentary um uh film everything. Do you know what I mean? I uh but um I'd I'm I'd I'm not real. I'd rather do what I'm I'd rather be broke and I'd rather help people than than uh I mean what that man done to me on the first podcast was just outrageous, but um I'm still I stayed where I was. I'm I'm still doing the same things I was, I'm still helping people, even though I could have um gone back at him straight away. But I I I think I needed I need to to correct this today. This is one of the I'm glad you give me a platform to do it. I hope this podcaster is really well because you're a really nice bloke. Thank you. Um but yeah, I'm still doing it. I'm I'm I'm just a real person who's just done a lot of bad things. I'm just trying to put them right.

SPEAKER_04 2:24:22

And simple as that, Jay, it's as simple as that. It is, it is. And you sometimes can be overcomplicated, it is as simple as that.

SPEAKER_00 2:24:28

Yeah, and I'm just trying to put right wrong, and whether and like you said, with like the I mean the podcast is called The Human Mask. I mean, I've got a few a million of them that I can I can use. Um but um I'd some I another thing I was gonna say is mental health. I was gonna say mental health. Do you know what? Sometimes I look at it as a burden and is a challenge and something like that. But I sometimes I try and um I mean I'd like someone to do this who does suffer with a lot of uh stuff like I am. I mean, even if someone wants to reach out or have a chat with anyone, I'm more than how well this what I'm doing. To help you or if you'd help them. Help them. Do you know what I mean? I'm I've I've helped I've no one come back to save me, so if I can save someone, I'd be happy to do that. Um where was I going?

SPEAKER_04 2:25:22

I know where he was going. Because basically, you were saying to base what Jimmy at the start said about humanising him, and I well, you are a human. There's nothing to humanise, you are a human. Everyone, we're all in the way.

SPEAKER_00 2:25:32

Just a little bit left.

SPEAKER_04 2:25:34

And uh what you're gonna say then was if it wasn't spoilt, you're dip you're dipping your tones at the internet world, if it wasn't spoiled so uh the way it was, that's right, then because now you this can reset it when it and then if it goes well, it will go well, because it will go well, and then sorry, and you can then decide if you if you want to decide, you could go live, there's no editing because I don't very good technology are you you could just go live every week, yeah. Yeah, chat to people, help them out, and then then DMs will start coming in. Jimmy, can you help me with this? Can you help me with this? Then you've got a purpose, then you can help people.

SPEAKER_00 2:26:12

Great. On the level you want to help them out. Yeah, this is what I mean. But all I've done was got absolutely chucked under the bus and trashed.

SPEAKER_04 2:26:20

I can't believe you cut out the good bits completely from the podcast. I don't understand why I wouldn't want to put them on the clips, but anyway, that's all later.

SPEAKER_00 2:26:26

Oh yeah, that's all that's all coming, and uh I'm I'm I mean I've as well I've bought receipts and proof and everything like that. Um but yeah, that's that's ultimately the the message I was trying to get out was I I'm I'm here to help. Do you know what I mean? And even all these people who so say fucking hate me. I mean, I I don't blame them, I don't hate them, I don't I've I've hated for so long. I'm just I'm over it all now. Do you know what I mean? And I've I'm like I still like I said, I'm still punishing myself every day, so I don't think I've got away with it. I don't think I've got away with it. Um I st and I'm I'm still just trying to help people. That's that's that's that's all I try and do and be a good husband, a good dad, and just just try and live a normal life, even though it's been absolutely chaotic. And if someone needs help, then I'll help them. Obviously, not to the extent I did on Valentine's Day from a phone call, but Jesus Christ, it was just that was madness as well. Do you know what I mean? But you're a product a product of society.

SPEAKER_04 2:27:28

Again, and I was about to say the society could look at it, but obviously and then pointing their finger at you. Um we will in a bit but what I'm saying is, but really, it's just it's all a societal thing, isn't it? It's all a deep societal thing, and and you're a product of that because your DNA and who makes you who you are, of of that drive and determination and all those sort of things, yeah, have just somehow ended up down that road when they could have been a social entrepreneur or whatever, anything you wanted to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:27:59

So and as well, if I did get the opportunity, I mean, if there's anyone watching this and and and do I mean I mean I've I've I've applied for a million jobs in in in work that would benefit people, and I've got lived experience, and you I don't care what anyone says, lived experience is always gonna be reading a book and um going to university for years. I've I've lived it, been there, done it, got a t-shirt, anything you can possibly think of, I've I've literally done. And I know I know I know I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but um I've I've I've I've I've I've been through a lot. I can resonate with a lot of different people with different problems, and I could help them get rid of them problems. But because of what happened a couple of years, over two years ago, I just thought, wow, this is just this ain't what I wanted. This ain't do what I mean. Is that was that was the first Well, my intent again, so it wasn't your intent.

SPEAKER_04 2:29:04

That wasn't my intent.

SPEAKER_00 2:29:05

Yeah, intent exactly exactly the word. It wasn't my intent in intention to upset anyone, or um I'd just never done a podcast before. I'd never even watched a podcast before. I just thought I was gonna go and have a sit-down chat with a so say friend. I mean, this will all come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well that's um have you ever thought about um writing a book? I've been offered a book deal. I've been offered a film deal, I've been offered everything.

SPEAKER_04 2:29:31

I've been without anybody else involved. I mean, I don't mean that without because you're gonna be I'm not saying this sounds really bad. Someone will just probably let you down again, because that seems to be the world that the people that you're attracting. I mean you write the book, you do the book yourself, you publish the book yourself with no one in there, and then you're in full control, and you've got your story, how you want it, and you say, and then that book then, without anybody leeching around you, yeah, is like, yeah, this is Jimmy's book, and then and then it's Jimmy to sign the book, it's Jimmy to make profit from the book, and it's Jimmy to to talk about that book, and it's Jimmy who's gonna uh help people through his book, and it's nobody else involved.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:08

Yeah, do you know what I mean? It's a good idea. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 2:30:11

Nobody, no, no, I have anybody, you do it. Yeah, I I'll tell you about mine after. Um that's my book, and I'll tell you how I did that with nobody else involved.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:20

Right, okay.

SPEAKER_04 2:30:21

And then I'll tell you how to do it. Do you do it? So there's nobody else attached to it, and then that and then and then you've got uh something to you talk about, and you go a legacy, maybe or a book that can help people forever, yeah. And but then you've got a basis to talk from as well, and stuff like that, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Everything just comes to me for talking. It's all it's a little bit of shit about it.

SPEAKER_00 2:30:43

No, no, it's not it's not shit at all. It's all productive stuff, and it's and it's good for you. I mean, even sitting down today it's been it's been a pleasure, it's got me out of swinding. I'm not a sociable person too. I don't you I don't usually socialise with anyone.

SPEAKER_04 2:30:57

Um You know, when you like call out to people then he said if you know if anyone's out there and stuff, didn't you? Which was good. Yeah, yeah. What how would you answer this one as a direct question? That they're gonna be scared of you. That they're gonna be scared.

SPEAKER_00 2:31:08

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 2:31:08

Fearful.

SPEAKER_00 2:31:09

Fearful. Um He's having a wrong day.

SPEAKER_04 2:31:12

I don't want him about. Fucking hell. Do you know what I mean? This is a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 2:31:16

How would you allay those fears? Because that's probably you spent all morning with me, ain't ya? Yeah, it's been great. I'm absolutely not a danger to society. He's not giving off that vibe at all. No, no, no, I'm not listening I don't And we're do we're touching we're talking about touchy subjects as well. Yeah, I mean I don't I don't go around poking people, I don't go around, I don't I don't I don't get up in a bad I don't I get up in a right state but I go and then sort myself out. I don't go around I don't go around bullying people for no reason. I don't just get up and go, I know, I because I because I'm capable of what I'm capable of, I'm gonna go and do that, even though sometimes the thoughts are there if I'm off my medication, but usually I'm I'm I'm just a normal bloke who's uh I get up in the morning, uh I'll go training, so that's that part taken care of. Then I'll go and take go down to Costa Well and all the girls in there, um, and then I'll um take take a walk round a park with me uh with my wife, with the dogs, and then go home and that's it. Do you know what I mean? There's there's no danger there. There's no I mean I'd love to um I mean on the last one, um well the first podcast I'd done, trauma breakthrough got hold of me uh through that, and they said, Would you like to um come and speak to veterans? Or do I said love to, no problem. And I ended up running a half marathon for them and raising a load of money. Did you talk to the veterans? Uh no, I didn't I didn't get that far of it, to be honest with you. Why? Well, because of what was online and what was it just got fucking trashed, everything got ruined and what a shame. Yeah, well, this is what I mean. Because of that, then that fucked that up, sort of thing. It fucked everything up, if I'm honest. And this is why I waited so long, and I've I've made the um I I I've you were the one. I I mean, I like I like Luke Dyson. I think he's great. I think he doesn't mean I'd take me after him, he's got balls, he'd jump in with anyone. Um and when you spoke to him, that I'd watched it, and I watched the way you were with him. Um I mean, a normal podcaster could have pushed him for views and clicks and got him in a state and all that lot and aired it all and all that lot, but you didn't. You and I watched that and I and it I thought, you know what, he he seems alright. And no, no, no. I'm fucking mate, I you you're I think you're fantastic at what you do, and I think you you you I think you're gonna I think you're gonna smash this podcast. No, I really do honestly. But then there's the there's because because let me just say this, because you're real. Do you know what I mean? You you're not gonna be popular. You're not seeing me getting all uncomfortable. Well I'm I'm just saying I'm not I'm not I don't I don't mean I don't I don't want any thanks for it. Like I said, I'm I've come up here on my own expense. I've not asked I'm not right. I want I want it I want this for that or that for that. I don't want anything. All I want is to try and put a bit of good in the world that I've destroyed. That's it. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 2:34:16

Yeah, that's lovely.

SPEAKER_00 2:34:17

Well, it's it's to to some people it is, but other people think I'm such a fucking I'm a lying back. That Jimmy was a bad guy. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:34:27

That Jimmy was a bad guy doing bad things. Yeah, that Jimmy. Yeah. For whatever reason, we can all dissect psychology and spirituality and society. It just is it is and it's done.

SPEAKER_00 2:34:37

And I've given myself along along the way, I've given myself some very hard issues to work with in my head and and and meant I've probably given myself all of them mental health issues, but this is another spin I was going to put on mental health. I started this earlier, but I've gone off on a tax in it again for fucking. I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to do that. But um sometimes I try and look at the the mental health issues what I faced and what what I had then. If I wasn't a fucking lunatic years ago, and where I was living and the people I was uh rolling around with, I wouldn't have survived. So in doing that, my mental health is more like a superpower. That's the way I try and look at it. And then a burden, even though it is a burden and it does affect my life, I think I would I'd have never survived in the world without without being some sort of like your armour, if you like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wear it with a badge of honour. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good guy. It's a good spell.

SPEAKER_04 2:35:36

But then it's hard to now peel that off because you don't need it anymore and you want to change and you want to evolve, and it's so hardened, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:35:41

That's I've just spent sixteen odd years just fucking just um trying to put things right and uh what does what when okay here's a good question for you then that's come to me now.

SPEAKER_04 2:35:54

Pardon?

SPEAKER_00 2:35:55

About told me you had a good question. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:35:58

What what acts would you need to do to make yourself go, right? I've done it now, I've got to the point, I've completely uh uh eradicated because you're on this mission to to try and make it right for what you did wrong in the past, and blah blah. So what what would you need to do? Save 15 babies from a burning building, save 20 veterans? Is it see what I'm saying? Is it ever gonna end? Is it a is it just an endless journey that's never gonna end of trying to make it right?

SPEAKER_00 2:36:25

Well, whatever I do, I do to the the the highest of my ability. So um if it's helping people, that's that's exactly what I want to do. Yeah, but when will you get to a point? How many do you need to do to make yourself go right? I've equaled it out now, I'm alright. I'll have to do the maths when I get home for that one. But um I I don't know how it's not life for a life. I don't mean that. Oh life for a life, no, I didn't mean that thing. No, I don't mean that my body can.

SPEAKER_04 2:36:48

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, I don't I don't mean that. But what what I'm trying to get across to you is there isn't gonna be that point. No, no, it isn't gonna solve your problem. It isn't gonna solve your problem, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:36:57

No, it's not gonna solve my problem, but it's it it and when we when you asked me that question to start with, who are you? A survivor. Do you know what I mean? And that's that's I mean, I've survived so much. Yeah, I should have used that one really, so um, yeah, um so so I I'm I get up and I just think if I can just get through today, I know it's sad, really, really sad. I mean, I'm in a really good place at the moment where I should be. Um, I mean, I'm I'm married, happily married. Um I've got my my little girl, or I I've just got a job. Um uh I mean all the stuff that makes me happy. I've got two little French bulldogs, Halo and Poppy, or I love to death. Um and um I've got all this time on my hands to help people. I'm in a really good spot, but yeah, I'm still battling battling every day. But it's it's but it's it's I don't know, it's just it's it's not a bad thing.

SPEAKER_04 2:37:59

Have you heard of Reiki? Have you heard of Reiki? I'll come across Reiki. Reiki? I'm fucking loads of them. Yeah, you have to take it that way, don't you? No, Jacob, Jacob. Reiki, have you heard of it, no? No, no. Have a Google about it later. Have a look. I'll have a look. So Reiki is one of the principles of Reiki is just for today. It's just for today. So what you've said, you've said it as a negative, and actually it's a positive. You're meant to you're meant to live in the present, you're meant to go just for today. Yeah. But it doesn't have to be uh a battle.

SPEAKER_01 2:38:28

Survival.

SPEAKER_04 2:38:28

Yeah, it's just for today. Just be present in what you're doing and what you're thinking and the way you are. If you look at Reiki as a starter point, it's um right, it might help you as well. Um, but like I say, you're above you're above my pay grade in terms of human behaviour.

SPEAKER_00 2:38:45

Everyone's everyone, every human being is the same. I don't look at anyone any different. I didn't even when I was in the forces.

SPEAKER_04 2:38:51

I don't mean that. I mean like because you've got the cocktail of chemically chemical drugs in balanced, yeah, and it's stopping you because they're there to stop you uh from the dark soul taking over, aren't they? That's what it's I don't know how that's what I mean by uh above my pay grade, I don't know how that would work.

SPEAKER_00 2:39:09

Oh, right, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_04 2:39:10

With these other things, I've got ideas about how they can move forward, but in my eyes, the chemicals have got to go first. And then but yeah, the chemicals can't go because then the dark soul comes in. I don't know that bit, I don't know enough about it.

SPEAKER_00 2:39:21

This is this is the thing. Um, like I said, I don't know what's underneath, and I'm scared of what's underneath because my subconscious is a very dark place.

SPEAKER_04 2:39:30

What about hypnotherapy?

SPEAKER_00 2:39:32

Hypnotherapy. I'll I'll tell you a story about hypnotherapy. Um um I mean my wife will back me up with this when I was speaking to a woman on Zoom call because hypnotherapy I've tried everything. Believe me, I've I've put What happened with hypnotherapy? Tell me that one. Hypnotherapy. I tried that. Um, this woman said some stuff. I was in the bedroom, put me under. I don't know what happened, because I was under. I don't know what I said. Um, I mean, my wife will back me up on this one, and uh when I when she said, like, I don't know what they what they say, like wait, wake up or whatever. When she woke up, she didn't speak to me again. She said, I don't I don't want to work with you anymore. I can't like I'd so I don't I don't even know what happened there. I it's just madness. I don't even know what happened. I don't I that that's an uh the honest true story. Never now just didn't want to work with me anymore. So I don't know what I said or did or what come out. This is what I mean. Is it mental health or is it just being haunted? I don't know. Do you believe the haunted thing? Do I believe the haunted thing? Or I've got proof of my got my I've been marked, I've been I believe that it's there. It's there. I just I just do. But but it's it's should we do I'm not doing that.

SPEAKER_04 2:40:44

Should we go there, no? What do you mean? Into that bit what you just said. Should we carry on or not? Do you want to stop for that bit? To talk about that. What that story No, no, any anything to do with the haunted thing. Oh no. Well Do you want to talk about it basically or not? Or do you want to just weird?

SPEAKER_00 2:41:00

Nah, not really. No, leave that.

SPEAKER_04 2:41:01

So I'm saying, yeah, leave that one. Yeah, leave that one. Yeah, leave that one. Um yeah, so I that's what I was thinking hypnotherapy because they can go in subconscious and rewire it and stuff like that, but if that's what's happened. But maybe again, on Zoom, probably not the best way. Maybe if someone's watching this and they're a good hypnotherapist and they want to help Jimmy with his brain and get in there.

SPEAKER_00 2:41:18

Yeah. I mean, d uh who's a lovely girl. Um she's a she's a Muslim, really nice lady. Uh she was going to come on the podcast today. Mina. Hi, Mina. Mina. Very sorry, not to meet her about by the way. Um now she has uh took me on a sort of a project. She's um uh she's I didn't know that. Yeah, well we we've been sort of chatting.

SPEAKER_04 2:41:47

So um I was meant to interview her today, but she hasn't been able to make it, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00 2:41:50

So I was looking forward to meeting her, but she's given sent me a load of links. Um she she's a Muslim lady and she seems wonderful. Uh and I wouldn't have asked her to be I wouldn't ask to interview her if I didn't want to be able to do it. Yeah, yeah, but obviously, I mean I d uh you're a good judge of character, you haven't got me on, in you so um yeah, she's I was there under duress, yeah. Yeah, so yeah, but you kidnapped you I'll tie you up in a minute and fucking eat you. Um uh but uh yeah, she's she's said I want to sort of work with you and uh like as a project, she because she said it'll help me understand the human brain. I was like, if you can do that, then good luck to you know me then great. But I'm I'm oh I am really honestly open to anything, yeah, to um anything that can help not I'm not so much me, I'm I'm up for helping anyone. If I mean if um someone's been diagnosed with something and they can't do something, I'm happy to go and raise money, run marathons, do you know what I mean? Or or or or what whatever. Do you know what I mean? I'm just I'm just not I'm not that bloke anymore. I'm just here to help uh people and just try and live a normal life. Do you know what I mean? And you will. I'm not a And you will, yeah. I'm going I'm I am living proof of you can change. Um but you just like you said, your past always catches up with you. Certain things, you know what I mean, like getting banged up and looking at a 20 for fucking having a conversation on the phone. I mean, like you said, everyone thinks online that I'm I'm I'm a bullshitter and I'm full of shit. I'm I'm I'm that high profile that even if they worry even if I have a conversation on the phone, that's that's how yeah, that's where I am in the sort of pecking order, and that's not um a good thing. It's fucking terrible. Yeah, and that is why the message what I will get out is I'm still not getting away with stuff. I'm still paying the piper because there you go, they bang me up for 24 hours for for having a conversation on the phone. If I if I wasn't the bloke I was and just lived a normal life, then it would I wouldn't even be in the world. Yeah, we're trying we're trying to keep you in that state of paranoia and high nervous system. Someone's gonna get me, break down the door in a minute. This is what I mean. So I don't I don't make their mistakes anymore, do you know? I mean I I don't I try I try not to make their mistakes anymore, obviously, but mate, he was in a lot of trouble.

SPEAKER_04 2:44:22

Um I try to it's the longest one ever, Jimmy. Our podcast should be the longest one.

SPEAKER_00 2:44:30

Oh, yes, yeah. I've heard that before, man.

SPEAKER_04 2:44:35

Um the end of the podcast, the close of the podcast, I ask this question.

SPEAKER_05 2:44:39

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 2:44:40

You know how you want to be looking forward to. Is it? You know it. It's basically again, I don't want the straight answer, like I don't want the straight answer for who are you. Is what do you want?

SPEAKER_00 2:44:50

What do I want to do? What do you want? What would be my I'll tell you what would be my ultimate dream.

SPEAKER_04 2:44:56

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 2:44:57

Right? There's a girl called Christian Rock. I'd like you to tag her.

SPEAKER_04 2:45:03

Chrisham Rock.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:04

Chrishan Rock. Chrisan. Christian. Chrishan, I'll send you her name and uh all her details over. She um I don't know what it is about her. I've got this connect, I've got a sort of connection with her, but I've never met her. She lives in America, for fuck's sake.

SPEAKER_04 2:45:21

How'd you find each other then or? Um we don't I don't I've never spoke to her. But how did you end up contacting her or I haven't? Oh, so you've just seen her.

SPEAKER_00 2:45:29

I've been watching her journey. Right, I've been watching her journey. And it's one of the most inspiring things. She was, she's a very bad person. She started off as a bad person, um, and she um got herself in a lot of trouble, went to jail. Um, she came out of jail, um, she got with the wrong people, got in with the wrong crowd. Um she just started boxing. Uh she had her first fight a couple of weeks ago. I I think I was in Transylvania, but um, yeah, I was in Transylvania when she had her first fight, and I'm so glad she won because I've watched her journey. She's gone to God, she's um she's uh she's gone to gospel. Um and I would love you to tag her and um in this in this podcast, and I'd my ultimate dream would be to whatever it costs, just go and train her for for free. I've been boxing since I was 10 years old, so I can chuck my hands about and I'm I'm um I've I've had a really successful career at it. Um I just I don't know what it is about her. She just I can see the pain in her, and she's transformed her whole life round, she's gone to God, she was an absolute nightmare. Um, she went online, she got absolutely trashed, and they're still trashing her now for good stuff. Do you know what I mean? Um for her turning to God. Why? Um because people are just horrible. But I I can I'm looking at her and see it. I can see it, and I my ultimate goal would be if I could get hold of her somehow. I don't know how but if I could if you could tag her and I I'll do a short or whatever, if I can get hold of Christian Rock, my services would be absolutely free. I wouldn't get in America because of my record, we'd have to be somewhere else. But Mexico, she she could come over here. I'd love to train her and actually meet her. That would be my dream and make because I know I'm watching her style of fighting and I could teach her. I'm not sending her notes.

SPEAKER_04 2:47:36

Tweak and help her out.

SPEAKER_00 2:47:37

Tweak and help her out. I'd make I'd turn her into a Mike Tyson. I know, I'd absolutely know I would. It's written in the site, it's written in the stars. I'm watching her style the way she fights, she's got heart, she's got, she's not let all these people beat her down and all that sort of stuff. And there's another call out I want to do as well because she was with a rapper called Blueface. I think he came over here once and he um he had a he had a fight with an influencer or something like that in England. Now he um he sort of ruined her life. He he was part of her story, he sort of ruined her life and um uh treated her really badly, made her feel worthless and all that lot, and I'm gonna say to him, I'd I'd love to smash his head. I would love to fucking just I'd just listen, I'm 50, he's a young man, and I would love to I'd if he wants to fight, you're in I fucking I'm in with that one just for Chris and I'd do it for Christian. Yeah, no way. I can't wait to look these up, I'll I d I don't know, I don't know why, but um maybe it'll grab a bit of attention, hopefully. Um if you could tag her in it or whatever, then then I've happy days. I don't even know how to do that, but um Yeah, I'll I'll do it. But um yeah, tag Christian Rock and hopefully she'll see it. And um I and Blueface was it? Blueface. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know any of them are of it. He's just a uh I'm not gonna I'm not here to bash anyone, but I'd just love to Blueface, you don't want Jimmy coming for you. Well, this is it. I'm I take a challenge. I'm I'm I'm up for it definitely with with him.

SPEAKER_04 2:49:19

Now that's an immediate goal. Now give me a what do you want in a bigger fashion.

SPEAKER_00 2:49:24

Right, I want to set my own charity up. Um I'd like to get my own space boxing club. I'd like to set up community places where people could come and speak to me and I could um uh give them a safe place or give them good advice. Um there's a song I want you to um put on the end of this as well. I'm gonna send I'll I'm gonna send it over to you. Um my my nephew is killed uh by knife crying, this is why it's so close to my heart. And there's a song that I'd um I'd appreciate if you if you play it um uh at the end of this or whatever, because he was 18 years old and he got he he got uh his life took away from him and it's it's just such a sad story. Um but he's mates and uh like a rap song uh it's not even a rap song, it's just a like an and it's sort of like a eulogy of his life with his pictures and his thing. I think it'd just be a really nice thing to do to finish on to give him the credibility he deserved. Because he all them words, if you watch a thing, it's it's you'll understand what I mean. Yeah, it'd be a nice it would be a nice thing to do for for him if if he could get it on YouTube as well.

SPEAKER_04 2:50:39

Yeah, and it matches in with what you want, which is to go out there and stop that happening through education.

SPEAKER_00 2:50:45

Listen, I was the most well I don't say the most, I don't know who I I don't know anyone that was capable of doing the things that I was do I could do because I like I said I was addicted to it and I took it to the extreme levels. I mean, if you go and watch the other two or whatever, and you'll see what where I was at with it, and it wasn't very nice, but you say you were different, Jimmy, to the Jimmy even that was on the podcast, on that other podcast. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:51:13

You've already changed from that job.

SPEAKER_00 2:51:14

I'm trying to get 1% better every day. That'll do me. That'll do me. If I can just get that 1% off as long as you're moving forward, as well. As long as I'm going forward. Do you know what I mean? Don't get me wrong, I've had my wobbles and I've fallen, and I'll pick myself back up and I'm um I'll try again, I'll try again. But yeah, that's my ultimate goal. Blue face. I'd love to love to um black and blue face. Yeah, well, blackface versus blue face, whatever you want to do. But um, I'd like him to come over there and I'd like to do that for Krishan Rock because I really I don't know what it is, I've got a like a connection with her, but I'd never even met her, never spoke to her. But if she can see this, I'd love to train her for nothing, and I'd use my own money to do it because I think she's a wonderful human being, and I can look into people's souls, I can see you're an ice bloke by just looking at you. And I and I I really I mean that.

SPEAKER_04 2:52:06

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 2:52:06

And um, I can I watched her journey, and I watched her, and I can see, even through the telly, that if I could get hold of her, I could change, I could make her the best.

SPEAKER_04 2:52:19

Can I can I just say one little thing about that what you're saying? So yes to all that, obviously. Um thanks. Yeah, yeah, no one's ever said no. But is what you're doing there accidentally, you know, is what I was saying, which is because when you're in a bit of a flow state and you're vibing right and everything's okay, things flow and vibe, and there is no time and there is no space. So, like when I've got, oh, I've just got a connection with Jimmy, I can't explain stuff. So I'm gonna interview him. I don't care what I've I just want to interview Jimmy because I'm vibing. Or or Neve, who I was telling you about, where I've just messaged Neve, I'm just vibing, or Mina, I've just messaged Mina, I'm just vibing. But what you've done there with Aquishan is similar to what I'm doing and saying, isn't it? I'm saying I just vibing, I can't explain it. Yeah, I get it, is what I'm saying. I get it, I suppose. Yeah, I'm just vibing, I think. I think Mina, she had 80 followers. It's because not about the views, is it to me? So I thought, oh, I like the way Mina comes across. Yeah, I get a vibe with her. I message her. So she's probably thinking, I've only got 80 followers. Who's this message? What's this podcast guy messaging me for? Yeah. Because not about that. I just vibed and wanted to speak to her. Well, it means so that's the same thing with that Christian. So it's something we can't really explain as humans, is that energy and vibration. Yeah, is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 2:53:25

I mean, listen, I'm um this is another thing I've keep going on about how real I am. I'm a real human being anyway, but I've um I think I've got the voice note if I can play it. I should have played it earlier, but Liam offered me um James. I mean, I could have gone with I could have gone with James English, uh Terry Stone, uh, Terry's offered me um Terry offered me Sean Atwood. Um uh all sort I mean I can do I can play him if you want, if you've got time if you want. It's up to you.

SPEAKER_04 2:54:03

It's a very long podcast, so we'll have to close it in about five minutes though. Well let's leave let's leave it. No, do if you want to do it. Do it if you want to do it. Five minutes, plenty of time. It's um Richard just told me off all the editing he's gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 2:54:15

Well hopefully it gets well there's not a lot of editing to do.

SPEAKER_04 2:54:18

You know, he has to like he has to edit his cameras so it flashes to you, to me, to you, to you, you know, when everyone's speaking and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 2:56:05

And then that's what we're doing, basically. And then we haven't changed it. I'm not sure. It would be alright for you. Um main ones, and then there's a big one called True Geordie, which is good. Bit of money out you, but you obviously don't get anything in that gym, so my advice to you as a mate would be to wait until Ez goes out, see what sort of feedback pickup we get from any.

SPEAKER_00 2:56:38

Well, I'm just I mean, uh this is another thing I was just gonna end with, because it we it's uh it's been a it has been a long one, but um it's but it's been great. Have you enjoyed it? It's been okay. I've really enjoyed it as well. I could sit here all day and talk to you and I couldn't believe the time, right? Right, so so basically, um the reason I'm doing this is because I that first one's made me feel like I've got to prove because no one believes me. I'm just the wanker who lied on that fucking podcast or whatever, but I'm not actually the wanker who lied on about anything, and I'm not a liar, and I'll stand on my business. And you brought the things, yeah, and Christian Rock, let me get over, yeah, and Blueface. If you're more than welcome to come over and the way you treated her, yeah, um come come and have a come and have a go.

SPEAKER_04 2:57:27

The first thing, right? I'll give the money to charity. Can I just say something, right? We're gonna end, we are gonna end this podcast. One day, right? The not for this whole time I've speeched on the phone, met you, right? This is just an observation, right? Even uh talking about what's happened to you through uh through Liam, you're the view of it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the only time I've felt the glimmer of old Jimmy the vibe was when you mentioned that blue face. I felt it come off you. You wanted to wear it, didn't you, Jimmy?

SPEAKER_00 2:57:59

Yeah, but I'd take some more cataracle. That was a Darzban.

SPEAKER_04 2:58:04

That was the only time I felt that vibe come off you, you know. I felt it. But uh all the other ones, yeah, you know, you've been yeah, but that one there, I thought, yeah, he wants to proper, right?

SPEAKER_00 2:58:12

This guy well, I wouldn't mind, but because I love I don't love her, but I've just um I just you're vibing with her. Yeah, I mean I mean my wife introduced me, not introduced. She said, have a look at this girl. Now she's gone gospel, I've gone gospel.

SPEAKER_05 2:58:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:58:26

Um I'm where and when you're getting baptised in a month's time. Where? Local to you? Yeah, yeah, local to me. So I'm looking forward to that. Um this isn't fucking this will end, I'm fucking sure. I fucking should have ended my life, yes. No, I'm gonna do it. Um what I was gonna say is um what's on about now? The bat uh the baptism. I'm hoping, I'm really hoping that that um God's spirit, when I go into that, this is another reason why I want to get baptized. Not because I want to do it for fucking clicks and views and fucking anything stupid like that, but I'm I'm I want to do it for I'm hoping I'll jump in that water, get dipped, and I'll come out clean. That might be the the the the kick I need, the mental health or whatever, or maybe I'll stop punishing myself then, maybe I'll I'll have a different perspective, a purpose, and that's it. Love that we better shut this down. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I've loved it, loved it. Have you anyone? Yeah, I really have. I have as well. Thank you so much. Right, let's turn that off.