Finding Light in Hard Moments: Mindfulness, Adolescence, and Healing Through Life’s Challenges with Danielle Parker

 Finding Light in Hard Moments: Mindfulness, Adolescence, and Healing Through Life’s Challenges with Danielle Parker

Episode Summary

In this deeply honest and expansive conversation, Dr. Lida Fatemi sits down with author, educator, and mindfulness practitioner Danielle Parker to explore the power of mindfulness—not just as a practice, but as a way of living.

From navigating unexpected trauma to understanding the emotional world of adolescents, this episode weaves together personal storytelling, neuroscience, parenting insights, and practical tools for cultivating resilience.

Danielle shares her journey from science educator to mindfulness teacher, how her work with adolescents shaped her purpose, and why emotional awareness is a skill we should all be taught early in life—not something we’re left to figure out on our own.

Together, they unpack what it means to truly feel, how to build habits that support us in hard times, and why authenticity, compassion, and presence are essential for both healing and growth.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why mindfulness must be practiced before you need it
• How daily habits become anchors during stressful or traumatic experiences
• The neuroscience behind adolescence and emotional development
• Why teenagers crave authenticity—and how they mirror what they see
• The difference between “fitting in” and true belonging
• How unprocessed trauma and patterns can be passed from parent to child
• Why modeling emotional processing is more powerful than teaching it
• The importance of apologizing and repairing relationships with your children
• How to navigate trauma responses like numbness, guilt, and emotional waves
• Why community and support systems are essential for healing

Key Takeaways

Mindfulness is not a luxury—it’s a life skill.
Practicing mindfulness when life feels calm builds the foundation you’ll rely on when things feel overwhelming.

Adolescence is a critical window.
This is when self-awareness begins—and without guidance, many learn to suppress their authentic selves instead of expressing them.

Your children are always watching.
They may not listen to everything you say, but they are constantly learning from how you show up, regulate emotions, and handle challenges.

Healing happens in connection.
Whether through friends, partners, or practitioners, having safe spaces to be vulnerable is essential.

You can feel deeply and still be okay.
Emotions—even the difficult ones—carry insight, meaning, and opportunities for growth.

Memorable Quotes

• “We have to practice when things are good so we can access it when things are hard.”
• “Adolescents don’t tolerate inauthenticity—they will always call it out.”
• “Your children may not listen, but they are always watching.”
• “Nothing protects you from hard experiences—but your habits can carry you through them.”
• “There is light in every experience. If you can’t see it yet, it just hasn’t appeared.”

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You how are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 0:02

It's been a minute. It's been a minute. Yeah. It's been like so busy. And I think for you too, I'm just watching you on Instagram. You've been in Florida. You've just like you've been everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yeah, I've been everywhere. And you know, the Florida one, I knew maybe it a month in advance. And then the Vegas one just like happened and they were back to back. And before that, it's just been rolling, you know. But in a good way. It's the things that I care about. And beforehand, before that, we had a whole starting our hospice set up. So we're starting a hospice practice too. So yeah, that's very busy too. Oh my gosh. Yeah. But it's all the things that we care about, and I care about myself. Like these are things I'm passionate about. These are things that um are interesting. And the people that you meet are in harmony with you. It's not forced, which is amazing. It's easeful. Yeah. Yes. Yes. There's food to it. And yeah, I'm learning so much. Yeah, it's a good space.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

Even though it's like busy in a wonderful way, are you still finding time? Just like yeah. Like a minute for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Oh, for sure. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Yeah, I feel that.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

Yeah. I there's no way. Like this morning, you know, we went on a long walk with the dogs and the baby, and I literally laid down on the dirt, looked up at the tree. This is an Albuquerque that is just in our neighborhood, and I'm like, oh my god. Thank you. Oh, so good. No, but you you bring up a great point, but you have to be conscious of it, you know? Um, because we get into this mindset of go, go, go, and push, push, push, because that's our pattern, you know. And you're like, oh, I gotta get it done. I'll have all these things to get done. And we get so focused on getting it done that everything else goes by the wayside. And then you start feeling not so good. Once I'm there, it's not necessarily more difficult to get back, but it's just not a fun space to be in. So then why be there at all?

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Yeah. And I think I've been meditating on this lately about how, and I've read this and I saw um a video with Dick Not Ham describing this where he says, like, in times when things are calm, when things are running smoothly, we have to put energy into our practice so that it feels natural. Because only if we can do it when things are good, can we do it when we need it? It has to be a pattern, it has to be a habit, has to feel easy, uh, you know, because then when it's hard, what are we gonna do? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

A hundred yes. And you know, you learn it the hard way yourself and in this circular until you're like, okay, I'm connecting the dots. Yes, yes, yeah. So now tell me about you.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

How have you been? I've been good, right? Like, really. Um, it's been it was busy there for a while, and then I had I had a stressful week with um, it was my birthday week. And Lita, I love my birthday. Like I am big into birthdays, and I had all like I was gonna bake cookies and bring them to the fitness class I go to. Like, I just had I was fashioning my birthday this year to be like, I'm gonna call people and tell them I love them. I wanted to like pay it all forward, and then it was just the night before my birthday, I had to bring my husband to the emergency room. He ended up having an emergency procedure done and he's fine. So everything's fine. But um that threw me into a space. So then my birthday, I was exhausted and I didn't do all these things, and I thought that's okay. Well, you know, I'll I'll gather myself. Then the following day, I was at the um graduation with a shooter, so I I'm sad that my birthday wasn't this uh glorious celebration, and I'm now in the thick of it. I'm like processing and so bizarre. That's it does, it does, but it's you know, there are gifts that will come, I think. Yeah um insights and and it's it's interesting to go through it knowing all the stuff I know. I'm not going through it blindly, and I have so much support. And and that's what made me think like this, it is so hard to take a deep breath right now, but I know I can do it because I've done it for you know every morning for however long. So yeah, that's what's made me really think about we have to do these things when we feel good because when we need them, it's harder.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

Yes, yes, yes, and when we need them, we need them the most to keep us centered. Yeah. And you know, then you have so much gratitude knowing that you have these tools that you can go to, um, and you can, you know, see yourself from a different angle that you didn't know before because life happens, right? And your viewpoint is so beautiful. And let me let me introduce you to the listeners who just got into it. This is fun. We're with a a beautiful, beautiful being, Neil Parker, who's an author and a teacher, and in many different realms, both with um kids and adults in the realm of yoga. And and I believe you do, yeah. I mean you do meditation during your yoga class because I I came, but tell us tell us about all the things that you, you know, all the offerings that you have in the community.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

Okay, I'm trying to think of what like the center is. Think uh I think I grew up loving science, and then I discovered that being a scientist was a little boring, so I shifted to education because that I could be a little goofy and I could sort of bring myself to it. So everything I do comes from education. So initially I'd say teaching adolescent, so middle school and high school science, but then that shifted when I became a Montessori teacher, because even though I did teach science and math, the Montessori aspect shifted to where I was teaching social emotional skills and mindfulness. And just simultaneously on that journey, I became a yoga instructor, Reiki master, learned Akashic records. So I feel like my whole life sort of was slowly evolving, and all of a sudden I stepped into a place of mindfulness, and all these things have come from that space. So my favorite age group is adolescence and will always be because um I don't know, they are the goofiest. I think I respect them because they have zero tolerance for BS and they will call you out, and that is a refreshing space to exist in. So I appreciate them for that. And it keeps me like, like, well, I guess I'll just be myself because they'll know if I'm not. So it's a very authentic place, and and I never have to worry when I'm around them because I know, well, they're gonna either their facial expression or their words are gonna let me know.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

100%. It's so right on. They're challenging can be challenging, of course, right? It's it's the parents, especially, and to everybody, right? Because they're pushing and pulling in, you know, boundary thing. But when you recognize that and like how their worlds expand all of a sudden from particular age, and you know, the brain growth happens also, and seeing the world from a very different perspective than they used to, from this bubble, right? Of parents. Now it's like, and you know, some friends in school, but and and I'm sure you know more about this, of course, you know, about child development and what happens. You know, it's not just hormones, it's a lot more than that. It's a consciousness expansion that occurs. And it and it's not an overnight thing, of course. It happens gradually, um, and then they are now in touch with uh feelings and emotions, and oh my god, my body, oh my god, things are changing. That's I feel like for the truly for the first time that they that as a human you feel things more, you feel it. Because you know, my three-year-old is also growing, but he's not he's not feeling that he's growing.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

Yes, I think you nailed it because up until adolescence, children are just being like they they aren't thinking about it, they're just being if they're angry, okay. Well, they're you know, we're here we go, we're gonna hear about it. And it's at the start of adolescence, 12 or 13, when the brain shifts and the ability to think about your own thinking starts to open up, starts to develop. And this is why it looks like an awkward phase, because for the first time they have some self-awareness and it's like, um, what do I do with this? And I have so much compassion because it is awkward, they are a little annoying. You know, we have these negative words we attach to it, and so many people just sort of brush it off or they don't want to spend too much time. And and from my perspective, I think, oh my gosh, you suddenly are aware of yourself and you don't know what to do. Shouldn't we be guiding you? And shouldn't, shouldn't all of society be trying to help you instead of sort of shoving you into a corner and telling you to be quiet? Because that's what we need if we're going to grow into uh the adults that we'd really love to have on planet earth.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

That's right. And you know, it's so interesting when you're talking about um adolescents being real, right? And they sniff out in authenticity, then what happens with adults?

SPEAKER_02 10:07

Like, oh my god. Yeah, well, I think because in adolescence, where suddenly we have metacognition, we can think about our thinking, where so it's like, oh my gosh, I'm so awkward. I'm thinking about what my body is doing, I'm thinking about all these things, and we don't have the skills it takes the years of adolescence to create. Maybe we call them coping skills, or how do I feel awkward but present myself with confidence? So it's almost like in adolescence, unless we have some great guidance, we're really just teaching ourselves how to be fake or how to not bring our true selves to the world. Because if we're in a space where it doesn't feel comfortable to be your true self, then we're going to learn how to cope with that. And I think that's a lot of what we see in adults. Wow, that is so cool. So we need they need spaces where they can feel comfortable. They need, and once they're comfortable, they can learn to then feel confident. And those, those are the citizens of the world. That's who I want to to pass the earth to. And to be honest, that's what I spent my 20s and my 30s on learning. Well, is how do I get back to a place where I can just be me and you know, just feel so good about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

100%. I think you know a lot of us share that journey. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Yeah. Even in the ancient yoga philosophies, they say, you know, the true self hides in a cave behind the heart, and it is the size of the thumbnail. And our job in this life is to find that true self and let it stop hiding. So this goes back like over time, over centuries, humans have been trying to figure this out.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

And and I think just in my mind, I've attributed it to adolescents. And what if we could teach this? And what if we could help them now before we put on the armor and before we try to be somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Yeah, and you know, the guidance from parents is essential, right? Because you're the you're the closest to them and you look up to them and they are your world until you get out of the house. So what I also see is if we have parents who have been holding on to trauma, um, passing those patterns down because they honestly they just don't know anything different. Sure. Um, and a lot of them have not thought about oh, is this my pattern? Is this something I've been carrying? It's just not part of the conversation or thoughts that go on. Um and what you see, because you know, I have the clients who are grown up and they're professionals, and we do a lot of child childhood work from the beginning, you know, and some have earlier childhood adverse, you know, childhood events, some have later, and you know, and then a lot start in adolescence, like at 13. Oh yeah. You know, and you're like, wow, that is so interesting to see that pattern. It's not in everybody, but it's definitely something notable. Um that as the metacognition starts happening and they are maybe looking for safety, if you have adults who are around you who don't create that safety for you, for your true mushigoshi self that's in there, and they constantly just chop it down, then you will never feel comfortable presenting yourself as who you really are, because of that armor that you're gonna keep building to protect yourself amongst people who are supposed to keep you the most safe.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

Yes, it breaks my heart to think about it. And if we think about it from this perspective, then you're like coming over to where I'm standing, where this adolescence is essential. Like we need to be so careful and nurture it. And I will say this for all of the parents out there that, well, in all my years of teaching adolescence, I always felt that it was so easy. And why are people complaining? Adolescents are just great. And it wasn't until I had my own adolescent that I suddenly realized, oh, this is what all those parents were telling me about. And it is so tricky when it's your own child. But something I have learned is that there are certainly many times when I'm talking and I feel like, oh my gosh, they aren't even listening. I don't think they even know I'm talking right now. But they see everything. So their behavior is so interesting because they will act like they're not listening and act like they don't care, but they they are learning by watching, very similar to a two-year-old. So if they will they will watch your actions and attribute a stronger amount of value to the actions than to your words. So um you just keep going, right? Because if they see you saying mindfulness is important and they never see you do anything mindful, then that's what that's what they'll carry with them. So uh for all the parents out there, you just keep doing your thing because they're watching and they'll they'll notice all of these positive things that we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

And that's such a responsibility, right? It's hard. It's hard, but I also think there's value in them seeing me mess it up.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Yes, and how do you handle it?

SPEAKER_02 15:48

Well, when I mess up, I just tie, used to be very uncomfortable. So I'm a big Brene Brown fan fan, and I love how she says she's a recovering perfectionist, and I feel like I'm in that that category. So I used to be very uncomfortable with it. And now when I mess up, I don't know, we all laugh. It all becomes like, well, okay, I messed up. What do we do next? But I will say that my the big lesson that I had to learn was that if I'm having a bad day, which we're all allowed to have, and if I snap or if I say or do something that I later reflect on as being, well, that was not your highest self, and that was not a great interaction. Going back to apologize, I find that is hard as the parents, but that adolescents so forgiving. If you don't apologize, they really take note of it, and it's like they're just filing that away and and they'll react accordingly. But if you apologize, I've never had an incident where I apologized and they didn't say, Yeah, okay, like that's that's fine. I mess up too. And and overfoot, it's almost like it makes the relationship stronger. And it's important, I think, for them to see apologies so that they know we can mess up, but we can also make things right.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. And you know, there have definitely been times where I've messed up or said something and I don't know what it was that maybe like has uh triggered something, right? That is not pleasant for her. And so you know, sometimes she's willing to share what it was, and sometimes she isn't, you know. And in those instances, I I do too. I'm like, I'm sorry, like I don't know what I said, and it might have been unintentional. And I'm sorry, you know, and even then, she's always, you're right, she receives it, whereas a lot of adults hold the grudge.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Yes, isn't that an important skill? Like as they're as their brains are shifting, um, their cognitive abilities are growing, their emotions are already mature. Wouldn't that be a great thing to learn? Um, and that I don't actually have to hold a grudge. Like, wouldn't it feel nice to let that go? And and continue on my way.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's wonderful. So I would love to hear your inspiration for writing your book and please share the title and where people can find it, and we'll have that in the show notes as well. But how did you get it inspired? And I want to learn the story. Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_02 18:37

So the name of my book is Pink Panties and Other Life Lessons. And I self-published it specifically because I knew there was no publisher that would let me title it that way. And I wanted to do it the way I wanted to do it. So for me, writing this book was um a growth process just in me being completely authentic with no one telling me what I should be doing. Uh, I wanted the goal to be writing it exactly as it needed to be, not as uh society needed to edit it. So it is a very authentic book. The purpose of the book, it's a mindful compendium for adolescents. Um, as I was teaching middle school uh math and science, I saw that these students needed some mindfulness skills. I had gone through training and learned about the adolescent brain. And that's one of the areas that we learn about is this is the time. Like any skills they learn during adolescence, they will carry with them into adulthood. And I was simultaneously going through a lot of yoga training, and I thought, wow, these adolescents need these skills. So uh the unfortunate thing is that school administrators aren't generous in handing over big time slots for teaching mindfulness because there is no standardized test that will ask you mindfulness questions. So I was allotted 20 minutes a day. And I said, great, I will use that. Thank you very much. So 20 minutes a day, I just started crafting and playing around and I worked with the students to say, okay, what can we do in this time frame? And I did that for several years. And then last year, well, this 20-minute time slot became their favorite part of the day. And for me as well, because they could ask me any question. They knew I would be honest, and we delved into some deep philosophical questions about life that pertained to what they were experiencing every day, uh, like belonging and the difference between belonging and fitting in. And we just went down these rabbit holes and it was very useful for them and they found value. And then I was asked to speak at a conference. So I spoke about mindfulness in the adolescent classroom, and so many teachers and administrators came. All of them were interested, but so many of them said, yes, I agree. We we need this, but I don't know where to start. I just sort of let that sit in my mind for a while because by this point it was easy. I was just sort of doing it. It seemed second nature. And then I had that moment where I thought, okay, hold on. People do actually want to do this, they don't know what to do. So um I sat down and said, okay, well, here we go then. Let's try to write this down. Let's write it in a way that could be read just by an adolescent or an adult on their own, or it could be used in a classroom as curriculum. So that's the outcome of the book. Pink panties and other life lessons can be used as curriculum, chapter by chapter. It has assignments at the end of each chapter, it has chapter summaries, so it's very easily incorporated, but it's also just fun to read. An individual could sit down and read it. I've had a lot of feedback from adults or like grownups who have read it. And they found it very healing and they said it healed the adolescent inside of me. So it's like it brought them back to when they were an adolescent and sort of reframed situations and helped them see things a little bit differently. Right. I and I think that's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Huge. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

And I would say writing it probably healed my adolescent. Teaching it and then writing it and and trying to get it out there. Um I tell everyone, this is the best thing I've ever done in my whole life. Like it's the thing I'm most proud of. And and that's it. I I can be happy like forevermore.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

That's amazing. That's amazing. So where are you, where can people find it on? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:41

It's in really all the regular places. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble. They've had it on Walmart. And you can buy it personally from me. Get an autograph copy at thesaltyblossom.com. So really all the all the normal places you should be able to find it.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

I love it. And you know, I'm gonna give a little um seed uh for people to get it from your website. Uh you know, the author usually makes the most off their own website. Yes, you know, everybody else takes such big chunks. And I'm like, you know, you're the one that sat there and did the work and wrote the book, and it's so much work to do all of this. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

And I know you understand this, but when an order comes in, don't you get just like yes? 100%. And like so much love goes into like packaging it up and sending it on its way.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Yes, yes. Now tell me about the name of your um name of your The Salty Blossom. The salty blossom. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Well, okay, so I started this when we lived in Charleston, South Carolina. And I this is actually interesting. It was the start of me shifting from just science, science, science into thinking about things differently. So I had a job, I loved it. I never in a million years would have left this job. It was at a nonprofit, and they lost a lot of their funding. So I was laid off and it felt like the end of the world. And I didn't know what to do next. And it was sort of like the dark night of the soul. And it led to my husband saying, Well, you can figure it out. Like we have there's a little bit of space. You can you can have some space. And I said, Okay, well, then for fun, well, while I'm figuring it out, I'm going to start a little company and just have some fun, is what I said. And the salty blossom, I mean, we paddleboard a lot in Charleston and we're paddle boarding. And I looked down and there are these beautiful flowers that grow in the brackish waters. So this kind of like a big deal, right? Like flowers that can grow in both fresh water and they can still thrive if there's salt water present. And I looked at that flower and I was like, yeah, like that's what I am, or that's what I want to grow to be, is resilient and flexible and adaptable of like these beautiful flowers. So the salty blossom. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 25:10

Thank you for sharing. And I have questions about you now. Thank you for sharing all of that. That's wonderful. About you processing all of what happened around your birthday, and um what are you doing to keep yourself going? Keep the flow going, keep yourself, you know, whatever you call it, is it you know centered? Some people call it balanced. You know, I I love that because it's in that space that then the insights come.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

There have been a lot of insights, and this is what was interesting. So I was at a graduation, there was a shooter in the audience, and we we all had to sort of figure out what to do. So while it was happening, I texted my husband. He was like the first person in my mind. When the situation was over, I texted my family group chat with my parents and all my sisters, and then my husband came and he drove me home. And on the ride home, I texted my cranial sacral therapist. And he is a friend of mine, so it it did make that a little bit easier. But it was one of my first thoughts. I was in shock, my body was shaking, and I didn't at first I did not have any emotions, which actually made me think, oh, something's off because I'm gonna tell you, usually there's at least 10 emotions happening at any one time in my head. And I thought, okay, I feel nothing. I need to text like my cranial sacral therapist. And this is where it really started me thinking because I have an appointment with him about once a month, maybe every other month. Even when things are great, it's great to talk. And I I am just a fan of cranial sacral therapy. It's something that works for me. And it so it was immediate. I didn't have to look for someone, I didn't have to think about it. They, he and his wife did a session the following day for me. So it was, it was really quick. And that helped me, having that anchor helped me to say, okay, and what else do we know how to do out of habit? And that's where these this big insight of even though I knew theoretically that we need to practice in good times so that it's easy to access in hard times. I think this was my first time really going through that. And I did feel a little shocked at first because this is a fallacy, but I thought to myself, you know a lot about the nervous system. You know so much about mindfulness. I kind of thought that would protect me from having to experience trauma. I thought I would just be very aware and I would be fine. Like maybe I wouldn't experience any of this other stuff. And unfortunately, you know, I think even you listening, that sounds so silly, but that was the way I was thinking. And now obviously, you know, uh I have nightmares and I'm having these, these different trauma symptoms, which are very common, and I'm very aware going through it. And I know I have a morning routine where I get up, I do a breathing exercise, I meditate, I do some yoga. Some days I cold plunge, and that's just become very important. So it's like even when I get up and I say, Well, I don't actually feel like doing that, I'd really like to skip that. Uh, it's like, this is your pattern. Nope, you're you're gonna do this. Even if you do it for half the time, or even if you choose a different type of yoga, or maybe you're not counting your breath, maybe you're just you're just literally breathing and not thinking about it. So that's been very important. And then to be honest, I think this is important in all areas of our life is like having those are people. So having the people who I know I can talk to who won't judge me, who I can be a mess around, I can be a little vulnerable, and they'll be honest with me. So they'll know to empathize or they'll know to say, Danielle, get up, get dressed, go, go take a few breaths. You're this is okay. You'll you'll be okay. So um I leaning on all of the support I've built is what's getting me through. And that's an important lesson and an important insight for me. Uh, is that look at you. Yep, you are a mess right now. And also look at you, you're surviving. And isn't this great? So, so yeah, that is my biggest, my biggest takeaway is one, yep, we're all susceptible. Nothing is going to protect you from a difficult situation. And two, let's build up the habits while we can so that I can lean on all of these supports. And I'll tell you, my yoga isn't super phenomenal right now, right? But I'm doing it. And some breathing exercises I don't feel up to, but I can sit down and do something. So, you know, it's not about quality, it's about what is it today? And I have all of these practices, so I can lean on any one of them to get me through. And that's a good feeling.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

That's wonderful. That's wonderful. Thank you for sharing. That's such a jarring experience, you know. And um, yeah, like one day at a time.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

One day at a time, and every day is different. And Lita, it's so annoying because you know, you have a good day and you're like, oh my god, I'm cured. It's just like I'm like so much better. And then who knows what the next day brings. And it is interesting, and I have so much more compassion and understanding for for anyone going through difficult situations.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Um, you know, one of the things that it's so interesting that that your first response was to not feel you're like, oh, I'm fine, everything's great, right? And but it's it's an important survival strategy, right? It's important in that moment. If you had all the feelings, then how are you going to work through them, you know? And processing, you need processing time and space. Um, and you know, we all go through different types of traumas, but that essence of it is so similar in handling and feeling, and it truly the feelings you're having now, um, of course, I relate to as another human who's gone through things. And to sit with them, and sometimes now I I look at my feelings and I feel them, and I'm like, thank you, thank you. You suck, but thank you. You make me be alive. I'm actually alive because I'm feeling and I can feel the joy because I feel the crappy feelings too. You know, I feel the excitement because all of it are is a part of the human experience, and that acceptance part is huge.

SPEAKER_02 32:09

Yeah, and I think with a mindfulness practice, you can build up, you will still obviously have these moments, but if you can sit with it, you create a little bit of space and and there's lessons in the feelings. Like, for example, uh, one of the big feelings I've had is feeling guilty because I was just on top of it, and I was like, we're gonna get out of here right away. And I was running up the aisle and I turned around, and so many people were just standing there, like I think they were in shock and they couldn't move, and I couldn't get they couldn't hear me, you know, and I wasn't able to budge them. So I just got myself out. And afterwards I felt so guilty for like quote unquote leaving them behind. And once I've sat with that, actually, what it tells me is you're feeling that because you're a compassionate person. So isn't this a lovely thing to be compassionate? So there's just so many layers when we grow this ability to feel the emotion and then sort of look at it from different angles, doesn't mean I feel it less, but it's almost like I do have appreciation for learning that about myself. Like, okay, you didn't just care about yourself, you were really worried about everyone else, and that makes me feel good. Beautiful, beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

And that we all need mindfulness in our lives.

SPEAKER_02 33:33

My goodness, we all need mindfulness. And it it was a high school graduation, and I'm thinking, I'm not a teacher at this school, and I'm thinking, oh my goodness, these students, like here's the prime example. We just need to start teaching this more and helping them work through, you know, that is an extreme situation, but so many other aspects of being an adolescent feel really big because they they feel every emotion in a larger way than adults do. So they really need to learn some tools to help them through that.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Man, life, huh? And then how how is it for you to talk to family, to your kids about this, to your husband, you know? I'm sure.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

Yeah, that's a really great question. My immediate thought, I text well, okay. So there is humor, even amidst the the horribleness. I texted my husband, and I'm thinking in my head, okay, he's gonna read the text right away. Oh my gosh, he's gonna be so upset and whatever, whatever. And he does not text back at all. And um, I'm like, okay, I guess he's in the music room practicing, he's just learning to play bass guitar, and he'll shut himself in the music room. And I was like, even during you know, the middle of all this, I rolled my eyes and was like, oh, for goodness sake. So so then I'm like, I guess I'll call him and tell him. So I called, and in my head, I'm thinking, I'm just gonna tell him the kids don't need to know yet. Like, let's just manage the situation. And I call and he is in the music room. So my son picks up the phone and unbeknownst to me, puts it on speaker and hands me over. So he hears this whole conversation where I'm like talking in a shaky voice, and I'm, you know, not really giving helpful information because I'm, you know, I'm just giving whatever was in my head at that time. And um, so then, you know, both the kids are freaked out. Um, and my husband sort of left them at home to come and get me. So, I mean, it's just like this whole everything just starts falling apart. So there did have to be some conversations after that. And my husband is a former Marine, so he's been through a lot of training, he's been in stressful environments, like he's sort of done this whole thing. So I got home and and we were all just, you know what, we're all fine. Let's just put on a TV show, let's decompress. But the following day we did, you know, we all sat down and I just told the kids, ask us any questions. And to be honest, dad's gonna answer most of them because he knows. So we just let them ask strategic questions because they're now thinking, well, this happened at my school, like, you know, this can happen anywhere, and all of this stuff. So my husband spoke to what you physically should do and and all of the logistics. And then I just kept chiming in with the emotional stuff. Like, this is how I felt. And so I'm like, let's just give them both. Wonderful. And in terms of just speaking with my husband, that is, I don't the norms and I think every relationship is probably different, but I have such an easy time talking about emotions with my girlfriends, with the people I went through yoga teacher training with, because we've sort of, you know, we've done all that. My husband is former Marines, he's such an amazing guy. He's a tough guy. Like he does not crack under pressure, um, you know, which is so great. I can rely on him in any situation. But I was nervous to talk to him about it. It took me a day or two to realize that I was struggling and I wasn't sure how to tell him because I thought in my head, he's been through a lot of stuff and he's not struggling. Like I did not, I felt like it was a weakness. Even though I know everything I know, I that's that was the feeling I had was I don't want to tell him because he's been through worse and he's fine. So almost like I don't deserve to be struggling. That wasn't bad enough of a situation. So I sat with that for a while, and then um I just sort of mentally smacked myself upside the head and said, Okay, here we go. We just gotta do it. And and of course, he was fine, and I was just telling myself stories in my head, none of them were true, and they were all big fat lies. So, so he's wonderful, but it did take a lot of courage for me to be able to say some of those things out loud to him.

SPEAKER_00 38:15

Yeah, and I think a lot of us just you know, not only just being female females, I'm sure we very much relate to that, but just humans, right? A lot of times we're scared of what the other person's gonna think. And are we safe? Are we not with like sharing the vulnerability, right? Um, and just being completely open about what's happening. But what a breakthrough, just that switch, that moment for you. It changes relationships, like that moment, like right, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

I mean, it was huge to um my husband's resting face is like it's like a stern. He has a stern resting face. He's lovely, he's really lovely, but his resting face is like what you might imagine a Marine would look like. And I think I was worried that that was the face that I would see if I told him I was struggling. And when we had the conversation, he was so full of compassion. And, you know, he was like, Of course you're feeling this, and okay, and what should we do next? And he's even asked me uh every few days, he'll say, Okay, how are you feeling? And you're right. It's I had no reason to to be telling myself stories that he wouldn't accept it. But the fact that we it went through and and he is very supportive does it does, it makes that bond so much stronger.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

Yeah, that's beautiful, that's beautiful. I mean, how wonderful that you you also see that and you you have that perspective and and because of the work you do, you know. I mean, this is your life being able to examine things and you put such beautiful words with ease to your experience. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 40:05

And how about the kids now? Oh my gosh, right. The kids are fine. I'm telling you, like a day later, they just pick themselves up, like, you're good? Yeah, okay, okay, you're good, okay, then I'm good. And I'll even check in because you know, the the school offered free counseling, and I was like, you know what? Uh, do you feel like you want that? And you know, all of these things. And they're like, oh no, I feel good. Yeah, I feel good. It's like, okay, great. But I've been very verbal. Um I try to do this thing where it's like I'm talking out loud sometimes, where I'll say, you know what? Um, I've been having some nightmares. I think I'm going to call and have a cranial sacral session. So um, and that is something I've started doing is is saying my stream of consciousness thoughts out loud because I want them to hear me going through this. Like, I am struggling. Oh, what should I do next? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I know. I'll do this. And that's that's maybe become my favorite modeling strategy is this like just talking out loud.

SPEAKER_00 41:14

That is so cool. You know, that is a method that we I I also love education. And we learned with medical students to teach medical students and residents as an experience as a more experienced physician as you're going along your path when you're sitting with them and going through a patient and their diagnosis, coming up with their diagnosis with all different signs and symptoms and history, and then you go through the labs. And these are things I'm thinking. This is what I'm ruling in, ruling out and how. So that speaking out loud your thought process and your feeling process, I can see it to be very powerful.

SPEAKER_02 41:52

Yeah, I think it's the same thing. It's like it's so easier, it comes naturally in society to teach them cognitive processing and you know, let's write a pros and cons list, or let's, you know, this, there's all these things. But again, I just really feel like we're missing some of the emotional steps, like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling this. What do I do? And I'll sometimes I like honestly, sometimes I don't know. And I'll say, What do you think I should do? And I'll let them tell me what to do, and and we'll go through that and say, Okay, yeah. Or I'll say, No, I hate that. I don't want to do that. And we'll come up with, you know, another idea. So um, I do think the more we talk about it, the more they just hear it, the more they see it, um, this it's all a benefit. Especially when we're struggling. Because I think we have a tendency to, oh my gosh, I'm struggling. I need to hide this. I don't want my kids to suffer. I don't want them to be scared because I'm having a big emotion. I don't want them to worry about me. But it's it's almost the opposite. The more I can share, the less they will worry.

SPEAKER_00 43:00

Yes, absolutely. That's beautiful. What beautiful guidance. And look, you are also giving them life skills that they're gonna be caring. These are gonna be their patterns of like, oh so this is how you process emotion. No one teaches you that.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

I know, and isn't that so weird? It's so weird that we we all just have to bumble through and learn it. If we're lucky, you know, we'll get some good guidance.

SPEAKER_00 43:26

Yes, and this is exactly why I'm gonna circle back that this has to be part of education. Yes. Has to be. Because you and I, we've gone through a lot of stuff, and and some other people too, but it's maybe like a very small percentage of adults who've gone through stuff who have found ways that truly help. And inevitably, the majority of it comes down to what we talk about these life skills of mindfulness, of meditation, of breathing, of reflection, of journaling, of creative expression, of Speaking of support within your community, and there's some other things, but it takes a lifetime to find these things. Why not teach them from the beginning? Can you imagine these adults? I mean, it's gonna be that they're gonna have a very different life and different ways of parenting, different ways of leading society that we didn't have. We had to struggle through with and figure it out. And knowing how important and essential they are, knowing what we know today, if you were a younger person, like a teenager, and you had these life skills, high school would have been completely different.

SPEAKER_02 44:41

Oh my gosh. I know. And I think about how tell me about the 20s. Oh, for goodness sake. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

The decisions you make in even the people you date would be different, and who you enter relationships with or friendships, it's truly essential. It is great to know, but like math is important, and and we have to have these life skills.

SPEAKER_02 45:06

Yeah, we really do. You can learn math at any time. You can look anything up in a history book, or um, I don't know if they need history books anymore. But survival. We're talking about survival here. It's not it's not a woo-woo thing, it's not like a luxury, it's not only for those who are struggling. This is this is how do you live life? Because life will kick you in the butt when you least expect it, you know. So what do we do? Like these are the essential things.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

And I'm gonna go back to the math and the history and the English and all of the things, right? If you have a mindfulness practice, we know that your brain works better. That you can be present with the problems that you face, whatever they are. It could be on paper, it could be in life, whatever it is, your prefrontal cortex is much more in charge than your limbic system or the amygdala, right? And so you're not in this fear response. Let's say you're taking a test, a math test, or whatever test. You're taking, if you're nervous about it and you don't, you don't know how I can get into my breathing and actually be present with the test and come up with the best answer instead of being in the past and like, oh my god, I didn't study enough. Oh my god, I'm gonna fail, be in the future, just being present with the test. Truly, the combination of having and let's say just mindfulness as a part of your schooling and curriculum will change your life in how you learn, how you retain all these children, all these kids, right? How they problem solve. Um, yeah, I can see that as the evolution of education.

SPEAKER_02 46:58

I really feel I know, fingers crossed, right? Like this is where we should go. The thing that cracks me up the most is when someone describes mindfulness as a soft skill. And I think, okay, well, uh, it's actually affecting every single aspect of your life. And the science could not be more clear. Like the so many studies. This isn't just philosophy. It's you know, it's not just a yoga instructor talking. This is hard science. So um, this one soft skill could change your entire life.

SPEAKER_00 47:33

Well, Daniel, thank you so much for being here. You let me know what you want to close with. Do you have any messages for us that you want to close with?

SPEAKER_02 47:43

I think I will just say that there is there are moments of light in every single experience. And if you're not feeling that yet, it just hasn't popped up yet. It's on its way. So no matter what you're going through, no matter what's happening, if you can find some method to slow down, something is popping up for you. There is light in in everything.

SPEAKER_00 48:11

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yes, of course, of course.