"We are the lucky ones." | Interview: Pet Crematorium Operator

Host Elyse Wild interviews a pet crematorium operator.

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pet grief, pet stories, pet loss 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Dead Pets, the podcast about pet grief that celebrates the lives of the creatures who have changed ours. A few months ago, I was on the Pet Loss subreddit, and I saw a post from a woman saying that she operates a pet crematorium, and if anybody had any questions, they could put them in the comments. And a lot of people ask questions. I was so struck by how kind, considerate, and thoughtful her answers were. And a lot of her answers seem to provide people with comfort around this process that so few of us know about, and that we honestly have a lot of fear around. And I thought, I have got to interview this one. So on today's episode, I bring you that interview with Kat, the pet crematorium operator. I interviewed Kat about a month before my 19-year-old Kat Dodge died. While I was waiting for his cremates to come back, I thought often about things that Kat said, and it gave me a lot of comfort to think that it was someone like her who was stewarding him through this process, who was handling his body, doing the cremation, and putting his ashes together to be returned home to meet. You will also hear about Kat's own experience with very intense, profound, raw grief, and how that experience informs the way she approaches her work in this very critical part of other people's grief journeys. I loved talking to Kat, and I really hope that this brings you as much comfort as it did to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

I've been in VetMed for like maybe 15 years. And a lot of people weren't sure if it was going to be a good idea for me to do it or not. It kind of worked out perfect.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

What drew you to that? Because even with a lot of people, even with that opportunity presented to them, would maybe not want to do that. Tell me what made it appealing to you.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

My situation's a little different. I lost my partner in 2021 to something incredibly traumatic. And I had all the right people when that happened. Like even the mortuary here, it was like unheard of how quickly I got cremains back. So I knew how important it was. We standard tell people two weeks. And in my eyes, that's unacceptable. I know I can do it in a matter of days, even if that means going to the crematory at 11 p.m. to swap stuff over or whatever I need to do to get people their creme back, I will do and have done. So I think my situation translated it, it ended up being something that kind of turned out to be a calling for me.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Wow. That's I'm so sorry for your loss. Can you talk a little bit more about for people that haven't experienced it, that turnaround time? How tell me why that two-week turnaround time is just unacceptable and how that impacts someone's grief.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

I don't think it really hit me how important it was when it was a coworker of mine. I got it done within hours of her euthanasia. Like everybody loved her dog Buffy. And when I had called her to let her know they were ready and met her in the parking lot, she was just hysterical and said she knew she was not gonna be able to grieve until she got Buffy back. And it really showed how truly important it is for people and their process to have that back. And I probably would get dinged for saying this, but in my eyes, there's really no reason for it to take weeks. It there just isn't.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

A lot of times when I'm interviewing people or just even seeing dialogue in like pet loss groups on Facebook, people have a fear that their pets are being manhandled during the process or they're not being treated with care. And I know that a lot of people brought that up during your Ask Me Anything. Can you talk about your process?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

For me, these are all people's babies. They're they're family, they are their world. And I really feel like it's my job to take great care and for every aspect to be done gently, respectfully, kindly, with love. Like it is so important to not do the manhandling or being rough with something. Um, there's really no reason for that. I'm very gentle with every part of the process.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Most people don't know what this process is that we're talking about. Can you tell me about the process? Walk me through from when you are given the remains of a pet to when you're handing off their ashes.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

I am in a separate area, the separate building that's down the street. So I will go to the clinic and pick up bodies in body bags. And each of those bags have a tag with the owner's information and the pet's information. And what, you know, then we've got the paperwork that I pick up with it. Um, I will go to the crematory and I am very meticulous in documenting. So I've got three different spreadsheets in Excel, and and then I've got a note that I have in my phone with every pet, every all even oven times. Like I'm very meticulous with that kind of stuff. Once I get all that inputting done, we have a lift. So the the machine is a huge, think like rectangle. It's long. We have a lift that can go up and down. So for really big dogs, I have a forerunner. I'll have to adjust that to slide them from my car that way. And then I'll get that level with the machine. Depending on the temperature that the machine is at that time, I will look back into my log, see what time works best for the size of the pet. So I'll manipulate the time and then I have to let it heat to a certain degree before I can open that door, which is 1400 degrees. And that was quite intimidating to me when I first started. I thought, oh my gosh, this is a safety hazard. But it's it's not. But once it hits that 14, then I slide them in and close the door, and then the machine does the rest. And I think what some people, and it was mysterious to me too, I had no idea, but once that process is done, essentially what it leaves is just bones. And so we have a processing machine, an industrial one, that I put those into and then turn them into cremes. And then between each run of pet, you know, that gets cleaned out super well. So there's no cross-contamination with cremains. And then I will get them into velvet bags. They go into a plastic bag, but then that goes into a velvet bag. I put the label on it, and then I take it right over to the vet and call the owners and let them know that that they're ready.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

After you did your first cremation, how did you feel? And what do you remember most about that experience?

SPEAKER_01 7:40

To be honest, the first time it was pretty horrifying because it's not anything I'd ever seen or done and a little overwhelming. And what the deal was is I was suffering from burnout in VetMed. So my plan was I did want to leave, but then this got presented to me. So I decided to give it a try. And so I took the first month kind of getting to know the machine, find my groove, really, because I kind of just got thrown into it with not a whole bunch of training. But once I found my groove, then I saw the bigger picture and realized that this stuff could be done in a much better turnaround time. We can have better processes for documenting things and logging and calling owners day of, not it taking a couple days to call.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

That's so interesting that you were feeling burnt out in VatMed, which I have such admiration and respect for people that work in VatMed and how absolutely difficult that must be, just physically, emotionally, spiritually. It's gotta be really, really hard. Um, but then it sounds like you were energized by the process of cremating and being in being part of that step of people's journey with their pets.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

It's true. And every clinic I've been at, euthanasia has, I wouldn't say been my specialty, but that's what I've been utilized for the most because it's not for certain people, it's not a comfortable space to be in a room with people that are going through this huge, incredible loss. Some people don't know how to sit in that space. I'm very comfortable in that space. It took me a couple of years of my own issues to get incredibly comfortable and to be able to support people in those moments and let them know that they're supported. So it the whole process from euthanasia to cremation is really special to me.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

One of the questions that came up a lot in your Reddit AMA was solo versus communal cremation. And I know people have a lot of fear about their pet just being thrown in with a pile of others and then just going into the fire. Like that is people's worst nightmare. Tell us more. What are the what's the differences between those processes and why would one someone choose one versus the other?

SPEAKER_01 10:03

There's a couple aspects of it, depending on the person. Private cremation, that means that it is solely their pet only. The oven is cleaned out between each use as well. So for someone that has that fear or anxiety that things might get mixed up or something private is a great, a great option. Um, communal is also a good option for some people and their worries. I have some people that feel incredibly heartbroken that their pet is by themselves and they're being incinerated. And so it can offer a level of comfort that they're not alone. And in that process, I have dividers. So for group, I do not do large groups. I know some places have no problem doing that. I will not do that. Usually I'll do four at the max, to where I can put one in each corner, in each divider. They're not anywhere near each other. And I have it all documented on this sheet that I have on my lift, who's where, and they also have their identity chips with them at every point in the process. So I can't like forget or anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

It sounds like your organization process is really is kind of like idiot proof. I mean, that was like you kept reiterating that on Reddit of just like there would have to be a huge massive error that is not really even possible to occur with the way that you do things. I know that that from what I read, that seemed to give people a lot of comfort.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Yeah. We have a lot of newer team members at the clinic that I was at, and you know, everybody's so interested in it and they'd like to do it. My problem and why I haven't brought anybody else on is because there is no room for error. There is no room for mistakes. It just can't happen. And I know the severity, like how truly serious it is that things are done a certain way, they're documented a certain way. And I don't trust that someone might not make a mistake and maybe not be honest about it because they're nervous or they're scared they'll get in trouble. And so the way to prevent it is just to kind of keep other people out of the bullpen.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

I have interviewed some people that choose to have their pet cremated, but then choose to not have their ashes. And for whatever reason, that is the way that they have decided is they're uh to grieve, and that's what's best for them. Does that happen with some frequency? And if so, what what happens with those ashes?

SPEAKER_01 12:37

It does happen pretty frequently, and I can understand people's point of view. I I totally get it. Typically, what I will do is if it is a dog that I have worked with for many years at the clinic that I've bonded with, those come home with me. They go on my memorial shelf with my fiance's cremains and his urn and my grandma's urn. So they are there. And then the ones that I'm not necessarily I had never met or don't know. I take these crazy backwoods forestry roads. I used to go back there just to kind of decompress and like stress relieve. And there is the most beautiful meadow I have ever seen out there. That is where I spread their ashes.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

I love that. That is so, so lovely. Do you accept special requests? Is that a possibility? And if you do, do you have any of that stand out in your mind?

SPEAKER_01 13:35

I do take any sort of request. I most certainly do. I have gotten one request that was a little different than I've ever had. But um, a woman's parrot had passed away, and she wanted the parrot to be inserted in the dog's mouth for the cremation so they were together. And I was like, oh, this is a first. Like I hear a lot of things, but um sure. I mean, I can't, there's no reason to say no, why not? But a lot of a lot of people want um they'll get their own special urns as well, which I'm gonna be bringing those on soon. I'm expanding this year, but so I'll put cremains in urns. And sometimes like they don't know when they're ordering offline if they're the right size. So we'll have to kind of make adjustments. Jewelry, people will want stuff put in rings or necklaces. I absolutely do not mind doing that, or if they want cremains split up for family members, um, I'll do that as well.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

One of the things that you mentioned on Reddit that caught my attention, that I know caught a lot of other people's attention is that sometimes crystals form in the bones and that they're really beautiful, and that is something that people could maybe ask for from their crematorium. Tell me about that. Just tell me what they look like. Tell me when you first notice them and like what does it happen in every case, or is it kind of random?

SPEAKER_01 15:04

It's random. I would say I see it in about 70%. And I think the reason being, just from that post alone, I had connected with other crematory operators, one in Ireland, one in Wisconsin. And so we were all kind of chatting about that, and they have not seen them before. So I'm not sure if it has to do with our general area and the minerals that we have, or if it's every state has different laws on the top temperature the machine has to get to. I don't know if it's because mine is higher than theirs, or if it's the kind of oven. I am not sure. But when I first started noticing it, I thought they were remarkable. I thought it was the most incredible thing I'd ever seen. And I thought how beautiful it is that something so remarkable can come about from that situation. I've been doing this for a year. It was kind of Reddit and people saying that they would love that so much to have those that I thought, you know what? I'm going to try it and see what the responses from people. And so I ordered these like little clear heart containers off of Amazon. And um I'll put them in there. And then, you know, people aren't going to know what they are. So I put that in an envelope and I do a typed up letter, and each one's personalized to the pet's name, the family members' names, explaining what they are, and that it was truly an honor for me to be a part of their aftercare and to not hesitate to reach out if you have questions, concerns, or you need comforting, you know, don't hesitate to reach out. I have gotten the most wild feedback from it because I finally asked last week, I kind of didn't want to know at first, but I finally asked reception, what are you seeing from people? Do they like it? Do they not? And every single person that has opened that up in the lobby has started bawling and just says how much they really appreciate it. So now that I know that it is something that's valued and that people will want, I'm just gonna continue doing it. I wish it was something that it was every case so I could let people know, but it's not. And I don't want people's feelings to get hurt or have this feeling like my pet wasn't special enough to have these. So it's not something that I tell people that can happen, but it's about 70%.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

What a beautiful gift to give people.

SPEAKER_01 17:38

And then they're incredible. I mean, metallic pinks, purples, yellows, aqua, like they're just it's the most remarkable thing I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

You mentioned as well on Reddit that this is the most meaningful work that you've ever done. Can you talk more about what you love about this and and what it means to you in the big picture of everything?

SPEAKER_01 18:02

It is hands down the most meaningful aspect of my life. I would say even three years ago, it wouldn't be something I would be able to do. I've always had this feeling in euthanasias. And again, I'm not necessarily religious, but I always felt like it was the closest to God or heaven I would ever be in those moments when you have something that's alive and not anymore. It just felt really sacred being in that space. And so cremation, again, it because I know how important it was to me in my situation, I know the the importance of it for people. And it's just truly the most special thing. And I feel like it's probably the best thing I can offer people because I'm I've changed a lot over the years too. Now I'm fairly I'm fiercely private. I prefer to kind of just keep to myself with my dog, and it's something that's brought me out of my shell in my own grief. And so it's just been incredibly important to me.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Well, that's a great lead into my next question was if you have any pets, and does your very intimate experience with the afterlife care does that impact your bond with your dog? And tell me about your dog. What's your dog's name? How old?

SPEAKER_01 19:30

So the practice that I was at, they the owner was huge into mental health, huge into it. He took amazing care of us. Um, and so we had this therapist that would come monthly named Helen, and everybody at the clinic had pets. And I didn't have pets because I had a bad experience with an ex-boyfriend like 10 years ago, where my dog got taken. And after that, I said, I'm not getting dogs. I will not feel this pain ever again. Forget it. And so she always used to make fun of me about like, are you ready? And it's like, no, Helen, I don't want the commitment and I don't want the heartache. And after my loss, I was tanking. I mean, tanking really hard. There was no bottom of the pit to my grief. It was trips to the ER for sedation. It was suffering around the clock. It was having my team show up at my house while I'm screaming and crying and giving me support. Like truly, if I was anywhere else, I don't think I would have actually made it through it. But I had a coworker that I was really close with named Leslie. And she has like a pack of dogs. She's got big dog, small dogs, she's got all these dogs. And I remember she used to bring this dog in that I kind of thought was ugly. It kind of looked like a frog to me. And it was a French bulldog named Troubles. And so I just always thought she was so weird looking. And so about a year into my grief journey, I was not doing any better. And there was nothing anybody could do for me. But I kept showing up every day and but I wasn't living, I was just kind of surviving. And um, so I had asked her if I could borrow her dog for the weekend. And Troubles was uncomfortable her first like slumber party. She was like, Why am I here? And who is this lady and what is going on? Like I have pictures from her and she looks quite uncomfortable. But then we ended up bonding like insanely. And so I would borrow her on the weekends, but I knew I couldn't keep her, that she wasn't mine. And so at a certain point, I called my coworker crying, saying, I'm not gonna borrow her anymore because this is gonna be really painful for me in the long run. And so Christmas time is a really hard time for me because it was that time of year that I lost my fiance. And so the owner of the practice was on a phone call with me. And I was ugly crying hysterically. And within 20 minutes of hanging up on that phone call, my coworker Leslie called and said, Me and Shannon, her husband, want you to come over to the house tomorrow. We need to talk to you about troubles. And so I had asked her if my boss had just called her. I was like, Did he just call you and tell you that I'm ugly crying and you feel bad for me? And she's like, What? No. Um, so I went to her house and she had said that she wanted to gift troubles to me, that clearly it had started to turn around my life. So I got to take her home. And the owner of the practice, I think they did this, I didn't understand at the time, but they wanted me to bring her to work with me every single day. So I brought her to work. She had her own kennel in our treatment area so I could see her at all times and would just kind of curl up in her kennel between appointments and stuff. My life changed 100%. I fell in complete love with her, and that wasn't something I think I was capable of at any point. And we have a huge college out here that's big into vetmed, and they have this huge conference every year. So after about a year of having her, they had this contest that I didn't know about, and it was for Companion of the Year. And the owner of my practice had written to them about my story, and she ended up winning. And so I had to bring her down to this huge space and give a speech. And it's not really like me to like write things down or be right about things. I kind of just go with the flow. And really, all I could do was thank my team for carrying my weight emotionally. And for Leslie and Shannon for giving me life again. It was not intentional, but I was very slowly killing myself. And I didn't see it, but everybody around me did. Really, in that the speech, it was like two seconds long because I was in shock. And um the one thing I did want people to understand is that it's not the un-grievers who are lucky because they haven't had grief. Truly, I believe it's the grievers that are the lucky ones because it shows the depth of the love and how lucky you are to. I mean, sometimes I think, oh my God, the amount of pain I'm in is insane. And I think really how lucky I am to have that because it's just a reflection of the amount of love that I had. And so she's hands down changed my life. And now we just do life together.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

What was it about borrowing her on the weekends and kind of building that bond with her? Was it having a routine? Was it having just this cute, funny looking dog around that just made things feel a little bit lighter? Tell me about, for better or for worse, like the process of how she turned things around.

SPEAKER_01 25:01

Truly, she snores like a grown man. She snores loud. It was not sleeping alone anymore. I had lived this life with this really good man, and everything was perfect, and it just got pulled. And learning to sleep alone again was hands down the most painful thing I've ever had to do in my life. I've been through breakups and it, you know, it was hard, but nothing like this, and finding that comfort in a bed again was just it meant so much to me. And the fact that I had to take care of this living, breathing little creature and had to make sure she was fed and walked and all of that in turn, I started taking care of myself. And I wasn't before that. I spent a good whole year with this feeling like I was floating above my body. And even in rooms with the doctor, I remember I'd be in the room with them. But when I was hearing him, I felt like I was hearing him from the ceiling. And I remember telling my doctors about this too, and just like I feel so not connected to my body. And it was just a part of a part of the process. So she really kind of brought me back down to earth and got me regulated.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

It sounds like you were hard, hardcore disassociating, which is a really it that is uh such a terrifying feeling. That is if if you people have never felt it before, it's just it's so scary. It it feels like you're in like a sleep state, but you're not, but you're awake. It's just it's really, really hard to make heads or tails of reality when you're like that.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

Yeah, it's awful. I mean, grief can actually literally kill you. I had no idea, but I ended up having a heart incident, and it was just from being excruciating around the clock.

SPEAKER_00 26:55

That broken heart syndrome, is that the like the medical term for it?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Yeah, yeah. And my heart rate had gotten so high that they had tried a couple things, it wasn't regulating. So they ended up trying an injection that slows it down, and my heart stopped. And I don't remember any of it, but I remember opening my eyes and being utterly heartbroken that I was still there and started crying, and they wanted to know if I was scared. And I said, No, I just can't believe that I'm still here. So having troubles has made me fall in love with life again, big time.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

For you know, you've just described really, really, really intense bottomless grief. And you now work with grief, with grieving. You're this part of this process for people that is is really intense. How does your experience with that grief impact how you interact with people with the people whose whose pets that you're you're taking care of in the cremation process?

SPEAKER_01 28:00

Because it it is it is such a small town, quite a few people know about my situation because it was a public, it was a nightmare. But for when I try and support people that know of my situation, they try and undermine their own grief by saying, I I understand that it's just a a dog, like you've had worse, and excuse my language, total bullshit. Um, pain is pain. Pain on any level, whether it hurts a little bit or it hurts a ton, it's still painful. And it grief is gonna demand that you sit down and get comfortable with it. If you just fight it, it will, I mean, it could literally almost kill you. But if you learn to sit and get comfortable with that grief, it can really turn things around. It can make or break the whole healing process. And so I try and let people know that. And um, I've had somebody that came to me in my loss that has walked with me in the dark. And he said something that is so important to me, and I completely apply it to this is that when you have grief, you you can go for a really long period of time of seeing the world with gray lenses, no color, no joy, no anything. And that we are just walking each other home. And he's always said, I've always walked with you in the dark. And he had always told me years ago that I would be doing that for others. And I told him, I don't see that. I just never saw that. And I truly believe it's important to walk each other home. People that have walked the miles. I'm one of those people that if you haven't walked the miles, I'll never believe you that I'm gonna survive or be okay. Bad breakups, you know, friends, you're all right, it's okay. No, I was going to my aunts' houses that had gone through horrible divorces. They walked the miles. So for people that have lost their beloved pets, they've lost a partner, they've lost a friend. I feel like you have a duty when other people around you are going through it to help walk them home.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

You mentioned that you're, I don't consider yourself very religious, but you obviously are very in touch with what you feel like your purpose is and how to serve others in this experience that is really, really lonely. And what wonderful people at your practice. What an incredible thing to do for someone.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

Couldn't say if I believe or don't believe in God, but if I would have been anywhere else, I mean, grief will make you a bad friend. It'll make you a bad employee, it'll make you terrible all around. I mean, I was showing up to work every day with swollen eyes, crying the entire way to work on my breaks. There were moments where I had to go into the backyard and scream and cry, and the owner would just stand out there next to me. I mean, I had these people that in any other world, I wouldn't have had that. It's so insane to me, the people that found me in that process and like really it's incredible. And if I can give back even a little bit to comforting somebody or walking them home, I'm all for it.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

Do you feel any anticipatory grief with troubles when you deal with people's dead pets every day? Does that scare you? Does that make you nervous? Does that make you feel more present in the moment with her? Tell me about that. It terrifies me.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

Um, it's probably my worst nightmare losing her. She's she's nine going on 10. And sometimes when we're in bed at night and she's snoring and I'm watching the movie, I'll just start staring at her and I'll start crying and thinking there's gonna be a time where you won't be here with me. And it will be soul crushing. It will be the second hardest loss. You know, I've I come from a really big family, so we have a lot of loss. But because she brought me back to life, I just I do know that there are certain things that like, you know, we don't necessarily recommend to people, but there are things that in her aftercare I will take care of that are not the norm. I would prefer to be the one doing her prints. I also know because she's given me my life back, that I don't want to be beyond hysterical. I don't want her to be scared or be worried about what's going on. I can save that for after. You know, sometimes I think I could call the owner's wife to cremator for me, you know, since she still knows how to do it. But then I think, would I feel better doing it myself, knowing how I do things, you know? Yeah, but terrifies me every day.

SPEAKER_00 33:08

If there is an afterlife, and we do get to see our pets on the other side of the rainbow bridge, and they're all waiting for us. But this applies to to you with every every animal that you've had a hand in helping cross that rainbow bridge. If they're all waiting for you, and they're all like, Hey cat, thanks so much. What would you say to them?

SPEAKER_01 33:31

I've thought about this. I've thought about this since you emailed it, and oh my gosh, I'll be doing things at the crematory and start crying just the thought of it. Because when I think about it, I had to cremate a favorite of mine the last couple weeks. I mean, I just I loved her so much. Her name was Harmony, and in this question, I keep thinking like how incredible it would be if I got to see all of the animals that I did cremate, and for the ones that I know to tell them that I've been waiting so long to see them again and that I've missed them. And for the ones that I don't know, um, just that I've been waiting so long to meet you.

SPEAKER_00 34:13

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe and share with your friends. If you have a dead pet that you'd like to share, please send an email to deadpetsofficial at gmail.com. Dead Pets is a wild media industries production. It is written and hosted by me, Elise Wilde. Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.