Tucker | Dead Pets

Georgie tells us about a very special dog named Tucker. 

Dead Pets is a podcast about pet grief that celebrates the lives of the creatures that have changed ours.

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pet grief, pet stories, pet loss 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to Dead Pets, the podcast about pet grief that celebrates the lives of the creatures who have changed ours. On today's episode, Georgie tells us about a very, very special boy named Tucker.

SPEAKER_05 0:16

Tucker. I call him TJ. Very often he had a middle name, Tucker James. So he's a white shepherd. Beneath his nose, he had this little black tuft of fur, and so you know, I'd call him mustache man. In high school, my mom and I we adopted a a white shepherd. We had this trial period to see if he was a good fit. And he was. I mean, my mom didn't like my boyfriend at that time, and so Carson was named Carson Bit Him. And so my mom was like, okay, we are keeping him. So after that, I mean, Carson, such an amazing dog. And so after that, I was like, okay, I'm gonna get a White Shepherd. When it was time that when I had just graduated from my undergrad, I was like, hey, I think I want to get a dog. And my family, they were like, no, you just graduated. I don't think you're ready. You can't really, you gotta learn to take care of yourself first. And so I was like, no, no, I think I really, I really want a dog. I didn't want to get a puppy, but I wanted a puppy. I didn't want to go to a breeder. So my mom and I went on Craigslist. We found this posting for white German Shepherds. Little did I know you could find your best friend on Craigslist. There was like a litter of sable colored, and there was like three white ones, and as soon as I saw his picture, I was like, that's him. It was just this such a sweet picture of him just sitting and looking at the camera, and just he was just he, you know, white, long haired, he saw he had this long, long coat and just that face. There's something about his sweet face that I was like, yeah, that's who I'm taking home. The morning of things kind of didn't work out with my mom driving me. So my dad and my sister, like, I went over there and I was like, hey guys, time to wake up. Like, let's drive to Victorville, California, and pick up Tucker. And so they were down. We all got in the car on December 28th, 2013. Once we got there, I wanted it to be this big thing. So I had my dad go in the backyard and pick up Tucker, and he told me he saw Tucker just sitting in the corner, watching his siblings play, and just observing. He was so wise, even as a puppy. My dad brought him out. I held him in my arms. He fell asleep in my arms on the way home. My dad likes to tell the story that Tucker threw up on me, but really he just peed on me. And you know, December 28th will always be my best day. Always. Love walked into my life, and I got a best friend, so I always will do something on the 28th. I was pursuing my prerex to go for my master's degree. As I was going to school, I would bring him to my mom's house for her to watch him. He kind of just became woven into all of our lives. As a puppy, like the the shepherds, they like before their ears will stand up, they'll do like this little ear dance. And so cute. I loved that phase. And then they're just so floppy. And oh my gosh, he's so fun as a baby and so incredibly smart. So smart. I did a lot of training with him when my family said, Oh, I don't, I don't think you can handle that right now. And so Tucker and I we graduated from intermediate obedience. We did agility together. Later on in life, we did fly ball and nose work. And it was the moment when I brought him over to my grandparents' house, and he was laying down with his paws out, and I put treats all along his arm. And I said, Wait, and he just looked at me with like eight treats, and I said, Okay. And then he went and ate them all, and my grandma was like, Wow, he is a good dog. And I was like, Told you, I proved you wrong. He was in every decision I made. Everything I did was for him. He ate better than me. Um, I tried a raw diet for a while, and then when I left for my master's program, unfortunately, I started school thinking he would come join me a little later. Once I got settled in, and I was like, this is just too hard. I can't. So he stayed behind in Arizona while I was in school in California. My family drove out to California for my graduation, and my mom was watching him during this time, and she bought a little tuxedo for him. Tuck in a tux. I have that picture in a magnet on my fridge. I had to stay in California and take my board exam when I got home, and like my family's so down for these crazy ideas. I was like, hey, dad, we have these big moving boxes. I'm gonna hide in one of them and he's going to find me. Cause we learned how to do that too. Like, I would hide treats. Cause they say a dog sniffing for 10 minutes is like an hour of playtime. We would do nosework even before we took an actual nosework class. I taught him to where, like, when he finds something, he sits and looks at me. I'll hide it in drawers, and so he'll get it, and then he'll sit and look at me, and I'm like, God, you are so smart. So I was like, hey, can he can he find me? I was hiding in this big box, and like they put other small boxes in. I hid in the box, they let him in in and they're like, Okay, find it. We have a special surprise for you. He smells my box. You can tell he's just really sniffing, and then he lets off this little cry, and then I pop out like, Hi, buddy! That was really special. I graduated, and then I actually moved to California to have my first job out of school. So he moved me to California. Then I moved back to Arizona, and so he moved back to Arizona with me, and then I finally moved where I am now in Seattle. So three different moves he was with me. The beauty of having a routine is I found safety. Like things were consistent, just having that feeling of ugly I can't even describe it, just that feeling of comfort. Just comfort. When things were not going right, or I was depressed or sad, the minute he would just come touch me, he's like, Mom, stay with me. Like, don't go under. Like, he gave me all the love I ever thought, no, ever knew I needed. It's such a beautiful, such a beautiful thing. And it's just there's no words to describe that feeling. His chuck it ball, that was the best thing in the world. He had probably eight of them. Whenever we went to the dog park, he would steal them from other dogs. Like their owners would throw it and he would go run for it and he would steal it. And then he would have the other dogs chase him around to get it because he wouldn't give it up. He would often put two in his mouth, he would try for three sometimes. And so as he was running around the park, he would hear other owners like, oh my gosh, that dog has two balls in his mouth. Ha ha ha. And so funny. I mean, he would have other dogs chase him for it, he would have me chase him for it, or like he'll drop it, and then as soon as I come near him, he'll pick it up and run. And then, even like, if another dog has his chucket ball in their mouth, he will follow them around. He and he won't be aggressive about it. He'll just follow them around until they drop it, and as soon as they do, he will pounce on it and take it away. So cute. Whenever we were done playing with the ball, he had to walk home with it in his mouth because it was like a special prize that he won. We were walking home one time and he dropped it, and we were on a busy street on the sidewalk, and it went into the street, and he went to go into the street. Luckily, like I had him tight on his harness, and like he's he's like 70 pounds. I was like, you are a crazy man. Like, these are cars, this is a ball we can replace. And the the ball was the the best thing in the world. He had a bunch of babies, so those are his little his little stuffies. There were two that were just the ones he had always, and I don't I I think it was like a self-soothing thing, but he would often just hold these babies in his mouth and sometimes fall asleep. And so I just call it like, oh, there's Tucker sucking on his babies. Whenever I would talk to him and have a conversation, he would just, you know, turn his head and look at me like he's really knowing what I'm saying. Something that was so fun, and I never taught him this either. He would be laying on the ground looking at me, and so I would lay on the ground and look at him, and I would toss his little chuck it ball to his face, and then he would nudge it back to me with his nose. And so we would go back and forth and doing that for a while, and it was just so fun. We would play soccer sometimes with the chucket ball, like he would drop it, and then he'd be like, like a goalie, trying to see where I'm gonna kick it. Something that we did often with the ball is I would tell him to back up, he would back up. I would turn around and say through, and then he would come through my legs, and then I he'd back up some more, and then and then I tell him front. He would stay in front of me, and I tell him finish, so he would come around, sit on the left side, and then I'd throw the ball for him, because that's like you know, that's his treat for being so smart. He learned quickly. I can put a treat on his nose, and he'll stay completely still, and I'll say, Okay, and then he'll like catch it. Another unique trait or what he did is the zoomies at like 10:30 at night with the squeakies. Like, he has to have the squeaks. It's like so late. I'm trying to wind down and go to bed, and he's like, Let's go, mom, it's time to play. And just squeak, sweet, squeak, squeak. Just a goober of a guy, and just like saying goodbye in the morning. We had our routine with that. He would sit in his bed, he would watch me go to the front door, I'd look at him and tell him I love you. I'll be back soon. I would leave, and then when I would come back, it was just like a celebration of love. He would cry, then he would jump in circles, his tail wagging, then go straight to his bed because he knew like I would go over there and give him some love. And then as soon as he was over that, then he would like pick up his ball and be like, Okay, let's go, Mom. As soon as I got home, I put my stuff down, go immediately, give him love on the bed, chase him with the ball a little bit, and I'll be like, Okay, time to go potty. He's like, Okay, let's go, Mom. We did COVID together. Quarantine was fun, you know. Obviously, lots of Amazon packages. We made this game out of a cardboard box, and then I made these little holes in it, and then I would put a hot dog underneath and pull it up and have him go for it and then pull it down. And so that was a really that was such a fun game to play with him. I have a video of that. It was so funny because like he would even go for it before I was ready, and so one part of the video, I'm like, hey, wait, go to your bed. And then he like went to his bed and he waited for me to tell him, okay, come on. I bought a house, so he got his first backyard. Dogs never ask for anything. To be able to give him a backyard where we could just go and play whenever we wanted, just felt like such a gift that I could give my best friend. Here's this space that we can go every day, and no excuses. I bought the house for him, I mean, really, but um. And then I lost a job and he was there by my side the whole time and just knew what I needed without me ever having to say anything. He's just like my ride or die. He's like, hey mom, wherever you go, I go. Oh my gosh, his first time with snow. He was just in heaven and just when watching this white shepherd run through the white snow is just so magical. And it looked like something out of a fairy tale. Even in the snow, I tried hiding a treat in the snow and he found it. I would tease him and throw snowballs at him, and like he would try to catch it, and then he couldn't, and then he would look for like, where did that thing go? I finally got him to swim. He just would not go in the water. But of course, you throw a trucket ball in the water, and he's gonna go for it. Eventually, when we got to Seattle, that's when that's when I got a water dog. But he wouldn't go too deep because as soon as his paw went a little too deep, he's like, nope, not gonna go there.

SPEAKER_04 15:29

We were the same person.

SPEAKER_05 15:33

Dogs are people so in tune with me, so in tune with each other, and I just I can't explain that. We just knew each other so well.

SPEAKER_04 15:46

He's my one in a billion.

SPEAKER_05 15:48

I mean when we were living in Arizona, of course, it gets so hot there, and um, it was July, so one of the hottest months. He was sitting in the backseat of the car. I was going to get gas. What I did is I turned my car off and I throw my keys in the driver's seat and shut the door. Tucker is like, Mom, where are you going? And so he, and this is when he's kind of a puppy, and he jumps to the driver's seat and locks me out of my car in July in Arizona. I am freaking out. Freaking out. I was wondering, like, okay, how do you break your car window? And then I'm like this crazy person at the gas station trying to get her dog to press the unlock button. I'm like, come here, don't go do this. Finally, I was able to figure out where I had a spare key and had my mom come bring it. But, you know, we worked it all out and all all is well.

unknown 16:50

Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 16:51

Just that little puppy pa. I never put my keys in the driver's seat again. I have this electronic doggy door, and so he would have this tag on his collar when he came close to it, it would open. And same for when he wanted to come back in. Because it's like he's such a big dog, I didn't want one of those other ones where someone could crawl in. I have a keypad on my door, and like you're not supposed to lock the handle. Because I don't have a I don't hold a key on me. And so one of my neighbors came to check on him, and she locked the handle. So I get home at work super late at night, I can't get in my house, I'm freaking out. I go around to the backyard, I bang on the door, and I'm like, talker, talker. And I have my dog let me in through the doggy door. So yeah. Another one of his quirks, he would, I would sit on the ground, and he would just come right in between my legs and just plop down. Even if I'm, you know, crouching down, he would come and just like put his head like right in between my legs, and a lot of people were like, Oh, he's trying to crawl back into the womb. I definitely know I was his person, but Tucker loved so well. He loved everyone. I mean, he would go and just kind of lean into people and like give them hugs.

SPEAKER_04 18:27

He would kiss everybody, and he was a lover. Such a lover.

SPEAKER_05 18:37

There was a time where he had pretty bad diarrhea, and so I had to go run a couple errands. I also have a camera in in my place. I was trying to be really quick about my errands, but I took just a little bit too long and I forgot to unlock the doggy door. He, you know, had an accident, a really liquid accident. And he, um, and I could see this all happen on the camera, and it happened five minutes before I got home.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

I felt so bad.

SPEAKER_05 19:20

But in the camera, I saw as soon as it happened, I could see him just look at it, like, oh no. What do I do about this? And and poor guy, he tried cleaning it up. So, like, his nose, he got shit all over his nose. Because what he would do when he would go out to the back and go, like, even with P, because I have rocks, he would like try to cover it up. He seems to be clean, but man, he loved to be dirty. Like, bath time was the worst. He I'm like, what are you? Come on, let's go. In Seattle, obviously, it rains a lot, and so he loved to sit outside and observe nature. There was a time he, of course, wanted to sit in the mud. He did that while I was at work, because the doggy door. And so I came home, he's all on his bed, tail wagging, like, hey mom, like I'm so excited to see you. And I see his paws like mud. I'm like, what the heck, dude? Like tracking mud inside and uh just went and sat in the mud, just rain falling on him. Like, this is great. He loved nature, even as a puppy. He would just sit outside and just look at the world.

SPEAKER_04 20:57

He for a while had this cough.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

So many vet visits and just antibiotics, and it would get better, and then it would come back. It wasn't about the money, but it was like, okay. Nobody really knows, and so whatever, I'm just gonna brush it off as asthma or something, allergies, and then um October 13th, 2024 was our last good day.

SPEAKER_04 21:37

We went to the green space and was just playing so hard and having such a good time. And then when it was time to go, I put on his leash, he started walking, and then he just stopped. And he had never done that. And I was like, what's wrong? And then just walking so slow.

SPEAKER_05 22:04

And I'm like, okay, did we just go too hard? Because you know, you're ten. Sorry, buddy. We get home. I let him rest. I think that was a Saturday. And then on Sunday, I just noticed he's breathing weird. It's not right, but okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:26

He's eating, he's drinking, I'm just gonna watch you closely. And then the night of the 14th, October 14th, something was wrong.

SPEAKER_05 22:42

He was belly breathing. He couldn't lay down, and like the cough was like wet.

SPEAKER_04 22:49

On the 15th, something is wrong. And I'm like, do I take him? Do I not? And I take him.

SPEAKER_05 23:00

They do x-rays, and the vet was like, you need to go to the emergency department now.

SPEAKER_04 23:07

He's got fluid around his heart, and we can't do anything about that here. So I put him in the car.

SPEAKER_05 23:20

We rush to the emergency department. They take him back right away, put him in this oxygen chamber. And you know how it is at that you're waiting there for hours.

SPEAKER_04 23:34

I don't have any family in Seattle. It was him. They tell me that he needs to stay in the ICU.

SPEAKER_05 23:45

And he needs Ivy antibiotics. Because the antibiotics haven't been working in the past, they're gonna do washings of his trachea. I look up the procedure when I go home and I'm freaking out. Because, you know, they tell me they can sedate him and like put a needle here and like do washings. But it didn't work for him. And they told me that like if they have to intubate him, they may not be able to extubate him.

SPEAKER_04 24:18

Because he was only saturating in like the high 80s.

SPEAKER_05 24:24

I'm a wreck when I go home. Um the the nurses were really good about texting me all the time.

SPEAKER_04 24:33

The next day I go to work and I'm a mess.

SPEAKER_05 24:41

I can't even function. I work in the hospital, I work in the operating room. The surgeon I work with, she was like, just go. Like, just just go. Well, because I I received a call from the vet while I was at work that said, we don't really know what's going on. We're still waiting for the cultures to come back, but we can do like a CT scan, or we can just try to add on more antibiotics to see if he gets better. And I'm like, okay, well, like a CT scan is like $4,000 or something. I went to go see him in the ICU. And at this point, he got his own kennel. It was like this nice glass sort of cage. At this point, he had the nasal cannulas in his nose, and he had the cone of shame, and just hooked up to these fluids and antibiotics.

SPEAKER_04 25:44

One of the hardest things when I left that night was them asking me if they could do CPR. Making that decision. And like I told them, no.

SPEAKER_05 26:08

I said, How often do dogs make it when you resuscitate them? And she's like, often they don't, and if they do, it's a poor quality of life. Seeing that written on his kennel, like DNR, was just like heartbreaking every time I came to see him. He was in the ICU for four days. He wouldn't eat for them, so I would go there three times a day. Before work, after work, and before bedtime. And he would eat for me. And so they're like, hey, you can come whenever you want. So I would just sit there and hang out with him. Even one of the nurses, the night nurse, she was so great. I was like, can we take the cone off of him, please? I'll make sure he doesn't do anything with his nasal cannula. And she's like, Okay, well, Tucker, if you're a bad boy, you're getting the cone again. And just funny things like that. They did repeat X-rays. Things were improving. And so I'm like, great, this is awesome. They were able to wean him off of oxygen, and it was really great. My sister flew out the the day he was admitted. I don't know if I could have done this whole thing alone. He was weaned off of oxygen, and I took him home. I thought I took him home for a second time, and this time was for good. So I took him home on the 19th. It was hard. He wouldn't eat. He would drink a lot, but he wouldn't eat. Oh, I didn't sleep at all. I would sleep on the floor with him, right next to him. I would get up when he got up. Then there was one night though where he played with one of his babies, and so I was like, this is great. This is really good. And so I I thought things were gonna get better. They even gave me meds to increase his appetite, but he still he still wouldn't eat. And so I did everything I could. I got hot dogs, I bought new treats, I tried baby food, anything. I gave him anything. The night I brought him home, his cultures came back with aspergillosis, aspergillus, fungus. And they were slightly positive. And so I was like, okay, great, you know, we know what we need to do. We started him on antifungal, but there's also a caveat to that where those aren't great for your liver, and he could get liver failure, and it's a lifetime of that. And then German shepherds, what I learned, are predisposed to aspergillosis, because something with their nose can't get rid of the fungus. Often when you find it, it's disseminated, which it then that means it's everywhere and it there's nothing poor prognosis. The vet was saying, okay, well, you know, it could be that and blah blah, but let's just get him home and we'll do a workup, you know, at other time. She said typically I wouldn't, you know, see patients on an outpatient follow-up, but Tucker's case is, you know, I don't want to just pass off Tucker's case to anybody. So come back in a week and see me and we'll do repeat x-rays. That was on the 24th. I was going in there. Things are gonna look great, things are gonna improve. He's gonna look fine. I'm there waiting. And then the vet says, okay, you know, can you come back and talk to me? And she pulls up the x-rays. And they're they're worse, they're really bad. That's kind of when I realized my time with my best friend is not very long.

SPEAKER_04 29:55

I took him home and just stared at him and watched him sleep, took pictures of him. I didn't know how much time I had left. I wanted to savor whatever time I had.

SPEAKER_05 30:18

And so the next morning on the 25th, he wasn't right. I really was hemming and hawing like, do I take you back? I didn't know that was the last time he was gonna be in his home.

SPEAKER_04 30:31

I take him back and they tell me, okay, you it's gonna be a while until the doctor will see him, they'll keep him, you know, stable, you can go to work, you'll be here for a while waiting.

SPEAKER_05 30:49

So they put him back in the oxygen chamber, but then the vet calls me several hours later, and she's like, hey, we need to have a conversation.

SPEAKER_04 31:00

When can you get here? And I'm like, fuck.

SPEAKER_05 31:10

So then I stop at the store before I get there to get a jar of peanut butter, because I didn't have time to go back home. He loved his peanut butter. She's like, listen, he's not doing well. The antibiotics aren't working. The next thing we could do is take a biopsy of his lung. Because there were these consolidations. But you need to think about what you're gonna do with that information because he's he's not getting better. And as selfish as this was, I told her, like, I want to know what took my best friend from me.

SPEAKER_04 31:57

I had my dad call the vet while I was at work. They told him it wasn't looking good.

SPEAKER_05 32:03

And so my dad actually booked a flight up to Seattle right then and there. Before I left to go get my dad, I was like, Well, can I can I go see him? He was in the oxygen chamber, and so I wanted to pet him. I was like, can I please just stick my hand in there and touch him? When I walked back there, he was like laying down, he was so relaxed, and as soon as he saw me, he just perked up and was like, Mom, mom. And so then I put my hand in there and was petting him, and as the little door was open, you could see how he was really kind of starting to struggle with rain. And so the nurse was like, Okay, like we have to close the door now. As I walked away, he started crying so loud and like hitting at the kennel because he wanted to come with me, and he didn't want to be there anymore. Before I left for the airport, one of the nurses was talking to me about um cremation and how all of that worked, and it was just like, what the fuck am I talking about right now? I was talking to her and just like, can you tell me how they are going to handle his body?

SPEAKER_04 33:24

Are they gonna throw him like a bag of trash? Are they gonna carry him with respect and love because he's so loved?

SPEAKER_05 33:35

And she told me that they're very caring and they treat all animals with respect. Then I left, I got my dad. And then we were told to come back. She put us both in a room, and she's like, so we did a preliminary path report, we looked under the microscope, it kind of looks like cancer cells, but this isn't the final report, it just kind of looked like that. Your options, and she's like, we continue what we're currently doing, which is not working.

SPEAKER_04 34:15

If it is cancer, would you do chemo and or surgery? No, because he's 10. And I wouldn't want to put him through that. Option three, you say goodbye.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

I asked the vet, is there such a thing as doggy oxygen? Like, can I take him home with oxygen to get a few days? And she's like, no, that doesn't exist. And I was like, well, I'm not ready. Like, I I want I want more time.

SPEAKER_04 34:52

Like I didn't think today was gonna be it. And so she's like, how about you go and see him first and make your decision? See him without oxygen and make your decision.

SPEAKER_05 35:18

We go into the room, and like they had a little oxygen thing hooked up to the wall that I could put on his face if he needed it. He looks tired when he comes in there. He didn't want that thing near his face. But the minute my dad and I realized was when he started looking for it. And I was like, I can't bring you home. I couldn't leave him there because he wanted to be home with me.

SPEAKER_03 35:49

The days I thought I had left turned into hours, to minutes, to seconds, and just so many big decisions had to be made in such a short amount of time. I said I have to say goodbye. We took him to the back to put the IV in him.

SPEAKER_05 36:13

My dad and I went home to get his bed. I wanted to bring treats back. We came back with the bed and some treats. He didn't even want his treats. But he lays down in his bed, then again, like looking for the oxygen. I asked for some kisses, and like he couldn't even really lift his head to kiss me, but he he finally did. They told me to take as much time as I needed, but when I was ready to like flicker this light that's like on the outside of the door, and like they came in multiple times to check on me, and I'm like, you guys, I am never going to flicker this light. And so they said, Okay, um, we'll we'll just come in in 15 minutes. They came in. She's talking to me about the drugs. And like he gets out of his bed, but then he like kind of falls a little bit. But then I'm laying on the ground, and then he comes and puts his head like right here.

SPEAKER_03 37:28

And so we're just looking at each other. And I'm telling him he's a good boy.

SPEAKER_05 37:35

And I had to say goodbye. So it was a decision I never, ever, ever wanted to make.

SPEAKER_03 37:46

But like, I love him so much.

SPEAKER_05 37:59

It was my mom's birthday that following week, and so I already had planned to leave on the 26th. Obviously, if Tucker was still with me, I wouldn't have gone. I even asked the vet, can I come see his body? And she's like, Yeah, if you really want to, and so I was thinking about not even going to Arizona. But then my dad, he's like, No, you need to just come home and be with family. That's not gonna do you any good. So him and I just got on a flight to Arizona.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Tell me about learning to live without him. How have you found ways to ground yourself without him there to ground you?

SPEAKER_04 38:53

Well, I can say coming home that night with just his bed and leash and collar was the worst feeling in the world. I think it was probably a good thing to go to Arizona. If I stayed home, I don't think that would be a very good week for me.

SPEAKER_05 39:22

It was hard though being around family and trying to be happy. It's happy, you know, to celebrate my mom's birthday.

SPEAKER_04 39:33

And I felt guilty that I was sad. So that was a challenge. I'm still learning. Because he's he's my only person here. The tears stopped coming every day, but there were times I didn't get out of bed. There were times I'd wake up and look for him. Not doing the routine in the morning and night. The routine was everything. The routine was safety. The routine was comfort, consistency. And Tucker and I thrive on consistency. And like we show up for each other. And not living my life for him. It's really hard. Cause he's everything. He's everything. When you think of him now, tell me what you think of. And like I just get this overwhelming feelings of emotion. I sometimes I mean most of the time I'll cry. And then unfortunately the whole feeling of love is ruined because I get flashbacks of that night. And then I cry even more. Where does he live on around you? I still make him part of my routine.

SPEAKER_05 41:26

I bring his urn to bed every night to put it on my bedside table, and then I take it into the living room every morning.

SPEAKER_04 41:38

He's out living in the living room. And I'll journal to him. I talk to him. I'll go to that green space. For his birthday, I released a balloon with a note in it.

SPEAKER_05 41:59

When he was a puppy, he would go into the backyard and pick up a rock, and like he would bring them inside. And so I would call them like Tucker's Little Treasures. Now I collect rocks and I paint chucket balls on them. I put them in all of our favorite spots. So far, there's 26 out there.

SPEAKER_01 42:25

That is such a cool way to honor him. I really love that.

SPEAKER_04 42:30

I thought it was a cool idea, too. Yeah, and on the back it in memory of Tucker.

SPEAKER_05 42:39

If I ever go back to those places or those parks, hopefully I'll see his rock there still.

SPEAKER_03 42:45

I want to do anything I can to keep his memory alive.

SPEAKER_04 42:50

What did he teach you? He taught me that love is just showing up. You don't even need to give advice to somebody or even talk back to somebody.

SPEAKER_05 43:08

Love is just presence. It's not that complicated. Love doesn't need to be flowers and roses and these grand gestures, and it doesn't need to be loud. It doesn't need to be loud to be powerful.

SPEAKER_04 43:23

And the most amazing feeling you could ever experience. I try to carry that with me and remember, like that's how you love people well. He taught me what love is.

SPEAKER_05 43:41

And what love should feel like. He taught me not to accept anything less than that. I'm a really anxious person all the time, and I'm always I can't sit still, I'm always having to do something. And so when I go to that space, I really try to slow down and like focus on the present because that's what he did. Tucker lived in the present, even going on walks. The walk sometimes took an hour. We weren't even walking that far, but he had to stop and smell everything. Because everything is beautiful. So when I sit in that spot, I really try to see the world through his eyes. I try to slow down and just observe, like, wow, those clouds. The sky's so blue. I hear the birds. I feel the wind. Because I know that's how he lived his life.

SPEAKER_02 44:56

If you get to see him again on the other side of whatever the other side is, what would you say to him?

SPEAKER_03 45:04

But I would just tell him I love you so much. And I'm so glad you found me and waited for me.

SPEAKER_02 45:15

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please like and subscribe and share with your friends. If you have a dead pet that you'd like to share, please send an email to deadpetofficial at gmail.com. Dead Pets is a wild media industries production. It is written and hosted by me, Elise Wilde. Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. Anatola Franz.