Pick me! Why do I feel the need to be chose first?

This episode unpacks the quiet, consuming need to be chose first. The kind that does not come from ego, but from somewhere deeper. From being overlooked, almost picked, or made to feel like an option, we learn to crave certainty in places that only offer hesitation. This is about the difference between being wanted and being chosen, and what it costs when you keep accepting less.

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:00

What does being chosen even mean? She said, I just want somebody to choose me. And I'm like, oh my God, to feel like you've never been chosen by anybody.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

If nobody consistently chooses you emotionally, physically, or mentally, you grow up trying to earn what should have been given.

SPEAKER_06 0:23

I'm choosing you because I see the value in you. Not because I need you, not because I'm settling, and not because you're convenient.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

I didn't feel like I could I deserve anything better.

SPEAKER_06 0:34

That hurts. They want to feel prioritized. Choose me first. Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the Trigger Happy Out for where we take shots of the truth, straight with no chase.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

It's your host that do the most decorative darn each day. And get ready as we dive deep, laugh loud, and unpack triggers. You can dive in.

SPEAKER_06 0:52

Ruffle up, y'all, cause feeling ain't always pretty.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

But it's always real.

SPEAKER_06 0:59

Hey, y'all, it's your girl, Darnisha, licensed men and health counselor, mommy of two. I like to give it to you straight with no chase, but sometimes I gotta put a little sugar on the rim to ease it up. But either way it go, y'all already know. I'm gonna give it to y'all. 100 proof, true.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Yo, what's going on? I'm Daquan. I'm here for all the weather, bringing you the wind, the sun, the rain, and the storm, baby. But mostly I like to just sprinkle a little sunshine to help you get through the day. Today we're gonna talk about something that hits a lot of people in their chest. And that's being chosen, okay?

SPEAKER_06 1:32

Yes. But before we get started on being chosen, we gotta start off with our lovely disclaimer. This is not a substitution for therapy. Remember, we are just here as a sounding board. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 988 or simply do a Google search and find a local therapist near you. Go on psychology today, utilize your EAP services, whatever it is. That's what we need you to do. All right, so y'all know how we do. We always got a good old icebreaker for y'all. So today, we're gonna get hit y'all with the two truths and a lie. So we're gonna say two truths about ourselves and one lie, and we want you, the viewers, to figure out which one is the lie. You wanna go first or you want me to go first?

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Sure, I can go first.

SPEAKER_06 2:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

I'm a singer. I have my degree in culinary arts, and I have a dog.

SPEAKER_06 2:28

I'm a singer, I have a degree. So you already told us about the degree in culinary arts last episode. So I'm gonna do this by elimination. Oh processing. I know you have Yeah, you got a dog. Well, hold on. I wanna say you a singer because you were you were a preacher kid, and I know you was in the choir before, but you probably ain't got no good voice. You probably one of them ones that just be moving your lips and and the sound don't be coming. So I'm going to go with by the process of elimination. You ain't hey, you ain't no Barry White, you ain't no Tank, you ain't no Tyrese, that turtleneck. So you ain't no singer.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

You're right. I'm not. Oh, you're a PK. And you used to sing in the choir. That's what got me.

SPEAKER_06 3:15

Man, because listen, I'll be paying attention. All right, so my two truths and a lie is my favorite color is blue. I love cats, and I have two children.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Oh, baby, I know you don't love no cats. So I'm not even processed elimination. That one was too easy. You ain't no cat, girl.

SPEAKER_06 3:33

It was easy. How you know I'm not a cat lover? I don't look like I love cats.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

No, you don't.

SPEAKER_06 3:39

How do cat lovers look?

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Not like you.

SPEAKER_06 3:42

How do they look? I'm curious.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

I don't know. I just know you ain't got no damn cat.

SPEAKER_03 3:49

Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_06 3:49

I'm scared of cats, y'all. I am scared of cats. They just really scare me. They just, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

You scared of a little puss.

SPEAKER_06 3:57

I am scared of a little pussy, pushy, pussy. You ignant. You ain't even ignorant. You ignant N-A-N-T.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

And I'm proud of it. I'm so proud of it. I ain't even gonna lie.

SPEAKER_06 4:13

Oh man, yes. Okay, so there we go with our icebreaker. We're gonna get into what does being chosen even mean?

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Okay, we're gonna start off with saying being chosen isn't the same as being tolerated. Okay. It's not the same as being tolerated. A lot of people confuse the two. Being chosen means someone actively decides I want you, I value you, I'm showing up for you on purpose.

SPEAKER_06 4:42

I want you, value you, and I'm showing up for you on purpose. That word tolerate. And yes, you were smart, you was kind, you was important. And as Dequine liked to add, Lib, you was loved. Toleration. Hey, wait, what he say about there won't be no hateration, no no holeration in this dance I read. Toleration.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 5:05

I don't know why my mind just went to that, but it did. Toleration. I don't really choose you, but I tolerate you. Being chosen is not somebody simply saying, I just tolerate you, right? So when Daquan says, I value you, I'm showing up for you on purpose, and that don't just mean showing up out of convenience, choosing somebody because it's convenient. It don't mean choosing somebody because you're settling or choosing somebody because, not because you begged, not because they needed you, not because they needed your help on the bills, but because they see your worth, they see your value. So I'm choosing you because I see the value in you, not because I need you, not because I'm settling, and not because you're convenient. It's convenient for you to be here, right? And here's the truth that we don't talk about enough. Some people have never, ever, ever, ever in their life been chosen. They've only been available. You ever felt like that? Where, dang, I I ain't really been chosen, but I'm available. That open availability. You ever been in a situation where you felt like you always made yourself available for somebody whenever they called or whenever they needed you?

SPEAKER_01 6:17

Oh, of course. Yes, of course. And and then that doesn't even go for just relationships like a lot of people would think. No, that goes out of friendships, somehow people show up for you as being chosen as a friend. I'm showing you I'm a friend. I choose to make myself available. If I'm sitting there calling you and you never answer, but when you call me, I'm gonna answer the phone regardless if I'm busy or not. Or if I don't answer right away right away, then I'm gonna give you a call as soon as I get a chance. So, yes, I have definitely felt that type of way. Not feeling like I'm being chosen. I call somebody, a particular person, and every time I call doesn't answer.

SPEAKER_05 7:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

And it's frustrating because I make myself available for you even when I don't feel like talking, even when I'm in a depressed mood, I don't feel like talking. But when I decide to give you a call when I really need you, I don't get a text back, I don't get a call back or anything. I just started to debt it at that point.

SPEAKER_06 7:23

It reminds me of you remember when we was little in gym class, right? They picked the two captains of the team. You the captain, you the captain. And then y'all have to take turns choosing who you wanted on your team. And ultimately, by the end of the round, there were two people left. Let's just say you're one of the two people. You're only chosen because you are available. You weren't a top pick. You weren't a top round draft pick, but you know what? The availability is a little slim right now. So I'm gonna take what I can get. Out of the two of y'all, it don't matter which one of y'all I choose, y'all both available. One of y'all come over here to my side and be on our team. And it always sucked being that last person being selected in that process. And that's real life situations. Sometimes people simply choose you because your availability is open, and that hurts. And that's the purpose of this episode. That's what we want to dive into. How does that feel when you're being chosen simply because you're available? And how to stop yourself from being so openly available to the people that only choose you when you're convenient or choose you because they need you, or choose you because they're settling. That's my TED talk.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Have you stupid? Have you ever felt like that though?

SPEAKER_06 8:39

Mm-hmm. Yes. I remember making myself readily available to a specific person whenever they called. And I knew this person, he ain't really rocking with me because if you was really rocking with me the way that I need you to rock with me or the way that made me feel as if I was selected or I was chosen, you would be consistent. You would show up. You would be supportive and not just show up when you wanted something. I wink, right? But you're not showing up for me in my life in any other aspect. But you show up when you want something from me. Whether that's to stroke your ego or whether that's to stroke something else. But you only you know what? Let's get it to the next topic. Let's get it to the next segment.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_06 9:27

My mama listening.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

You stupid. Wink wink. Okay. Listen. So we're definitely gonna talk about why so many people are hungry to be chosen. A lot of that craving comes from what? And I always say it stems from childhood. If nobody consistently chooses you emotionally, physically, or mentally, you grew up trying to earn what should have been given. And baby, I can tell you that's an exhausting thing. I was watching Scandal.

SPEAKER_05 9:59

Scandal was good.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Very good. Shonda Rhymes did her thing. Shonda did your thing. But Millie had made a reference when it came to being chosen. Everybody else always chose Fitz, and nobody showed up for her. And she said that numerous times. I'm gonna give it to her. Her monologues, you know, being loyal, being faithful, being there. She chose Fitz, but nobody seemed to choose her. And you can tell that was weighing on her, and that chips away at people all the time.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06 10:33

So just to give a little background, Millie was the president, the president fits. That was his wife. Millie was his wife. So that's that's who we're referencing. We're referencing a TV show scandal, and those were main characters in the show. But yeah, that that hurts. And I mentioned this in the episode previously when I made mention of my mom showing up for my events and things of that nature, or simply choosing me over a relationship, or just choosing me, just you know, for certain aspects of my life. And so that did carry on. And even, you know, issues with my father, just him not showing up in the way that I needed him to show up, or him choosing me over work, or whatever the situation may be. So sometimes when you have that emptiness, you know, you look for that. You you look for that void, you look for somebody to feel it. So yeah, that childhood, it definitely lingers on into your adulthood. So what typically happens is if you had to compete for attention, if you were only praised when you performed, if love came with conditions, if you had a pick-me parent who was always choosing somebody else, you learn to chase instead of receive. So I'm constantly chasing and I'm constantly searching for somebody to simply choose me because I've had to compete for this attention my whole life. Or I was only praised when I was in performative mode, when I put on a performance, I was only praised then. Or I only got that love. That love had conditions on it. The love wasn't unconditional. It was, I'll love you as long as you do X, Y, and Z. And so then going through all that, those wounds show up in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Yes, the wounds definitely show up a different way in your adulthood by either one overgiving, staying too long, accepting crumbs, confusing attention with interest, confusing interest with consistency, and mistaking presence for partnership.

SPEAKER_06 12:33

Oh, we gotta explore those. Daquan said it shows up in overgiving. That definitely was me. I remember giving so much to the point where one of my best friends was like, it was a family member. I was constantly just giving and giving and giving and giving it to. She said, Do you think you're trying to buy her love? And I was like, Oh, probably so. Because I just wanted it so bad. I'm always overextending myself to this person because I just wanted to be chosen. And so then the qua mentioned staying too long. Not walking away when you probably should have years ago, months ago, weeks ago, even. Because sometimes we even ignore red flags during dating in the beginning. Like, uh, you know what? I'm just gonna give them a pass. I'm just gonna get her a pass. Sometimes them offenses ain't passable.

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Maybe. I remember what I stayed too long. I should have left. I should have left that thing a year and a half prior to like, you know, later on down the line. Because I I knew that it was over at a certain point in the relationship, but I stayed because I accepted.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 13:45

I accepted that for me I didn't feel like I could I deserved anything better.

SPEAKER_06 13:51

Mmm. Which goes into the next one you mentioned, accepting crimes, baby. Accepting, accepting bare minimum energy. I ain't no bare minimum chick. I don't give bare minimum effort. So I don't expect that in return. But I learned the period of time where I didn't love myself, I was accepting crimes. Oh, all I need you to do is this. All I need you to do is that. Oh, well, you're doing just enough. And that's okay if in the beginning you're okay with that. It might work at the beginning of the relationship, but it's okay to evolve and stand up for yourself and say, that just don't work for me anymore. Yeah, I was accepting a bare or I required. How about that? I required bare minimum effort before, but right now I need some maximum effort, and that's okay. Then Daquan said confusing attention with interest. Just because somebody, good morning, queen, good morning, gorgeous. You know how many other people that same message could be sent to. But oh, he texts me, good morning, everybody. Ah does that mean interest? Is he calling you? Is he genuinely interested in your daily activities? Or is it just the same monologue, the same dialogue, the same surface-level conversation? How was your day? How you sleep, or do you are you really interested in knowing how my actual day was? You got anything on that?

SPEAKER_01 15:15

I mean, you can definitely tell, as you stated earlier, just because they text, good morning, queen, good morning, king, how you doing? Are you really interested in how am I doing? Call me and see if my day was all right. Because I want to know exactly how was your day? What happened? They got on your nerves again. Don't let them get on your nerves. You know, you want to have somebody that's interested in your day-to-day life, not just somebody just showing you just a little bit of attention. Hey, how you doing? I was just thinking about you. Okay. I'm glad you thought about me. That's that's cute. What what about me did you think about? Did you think about if I ate today? Did you think about if they are getting on my nerve? Or did are you thinking about, I know his blood pressure was a little bit high. I hope they're not in on his nerves and things like that. That shows me that you pay attention. And the little things that you provide to me, you know what I'm saying? If I if you go to the store and you just got me some just because that's my favorite, oh, you was thinking about me. That shows me that you're interested in me. And it was just that one little small thing that you remember. Oh, he liked this. I want to get this for him. Or I know he liked these. I see him eat these chips all the time. I'm gonna get these for. That's showing interest.

SPEAKER_06 16:33

Right. And I also hear you saying uh intentionality. That that shows that you're you have intentions with with what's going on with us. I know that Daquan is interested in Lay's potato chips, and I'm on my way over there, so I'm gonna make sure I grab him a bag of Lay's potato chips because I paid attention to the fact that you like Lay's and not Doritos. And I want to be intentional while dating you to show you that I am interested in you. So again, confusing attention, just that brief attention with interest can have you feeling chosen when you're actually not.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Let me go ahead and make that clear too, as well. This is not just for being in a relationship. Again, this goes for friendship too. Because if you have a friend that's paying real attention to you and saying, well, friend, I know we were talking about this, that's why I got this for you. That they are showing genuine friendships. Like I expect people, if I'm going to show up for my people's, I expect them to show up for me in the same way. I don't expect them to show up because I I got something for them. You know what I'm saying? I I want them to show up because they are genuinely thinking about me and caring out to see how am I doing.

SPEAKER_06 17:47

And let me go back to uh the accepting crumbs thing, right? We're talking about accepting the bare minimum. Being hungry doesn't mean that you need to eat from every hand. Just because a hand is, here you go, that don't mean you need to take it from every hand. Uh-uh, dump bread crumb me. No. I don't, I don't need your crumbs. And I don't need to, because your hands are dirty anyways. You ain't even washed your hands. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

How about that? You could have been digging in your crotch and your butt a time. You know what I'm saying? And you're gonna say, hey, I got this from something to eat. No, girl, not with that fungus and everything on your nails and stuff. I'm good. All right. So now we're gonna talk about the lies we believe when we're not chosen. Okay. Now, let's be real. When someone doesn't choose you, most people don't think they just weren't, weren't for me.

SPEAKER_06 18:41

Nope. They think, what's wrong with me? What what didn't I do enough of? How could I do more? How can I make them change their mind? Uh-uh. We we just okay, so we did talk about it's not me, it's you. I mean, it's not you, it's me. But the first part, it's not you, it's them. It's them. There ain't it ain't something wrong with you just because they didn't choose you. They didn't choose you. You wasn't the person for them.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Yep. But here, here's the uncomfortable truth as you stated it. They just didn't choose me. Sometimes you weren't chosen because you were too good for where they are in life. That can be so true, baby. Some people already know that you're too good. I'm not in a space in my life right now that I deserve you.

SPEAKER_06 19:33

I respect that. I've had two men tell me that before. You ever had somebody tell you that?

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Girl, no.

SPEAKER_06 19:41

No, I've had two men, like one of them kind of just like disappeared on me. And then he would come back around and then, well, he only did it. I only allowed him to do it one time. Let me just say that. I allowed him to do it one time, and then the second time he came back around. I'm like, we not about to do that. But anyhow, he was saying that I was intimidated by you. And he was just like, you were just so well put together and you knew where you were going in life and Blase Splee. And I'm and according to him, we just weren't in the same place mentally in life or whatever. And that's okay. But that period where he kind of just disappeared, it hurt a little bit. I was feeling like, dang, what'd I do? What happened? But I did appreciate him coming back around and vocalizing and explaining the reasoning behind him kind of yeah, ghosting, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Did he use your other phone?

SPEAKER_06 20:30

Nah, I ain't do all that. I I didn't do all that. I didn't call from no other phone or nothing like that. Cause it it wasn't a block. It was just he just stopped calling. So I was all right.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

You know, I had to be a little shady.

SPEAKER_06 20:43

I know you had to be a little shady, but I'm grown now. I'm beyond that. I'm past that. Okay. I could get I could get over with the ghosting quite easily now.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

You know.

SPEAKER_06 20:58

But whatever.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

The next one is uh get back to on topic, y'all. Sometimes you sometimes you weren't chosen because they don't have the capacity.

SPEAKER_06 21:12

And that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

It is.

SPEAKER_06 21:14

Because you can be a handful, and they hands might just be too small, and they can't carry all of your personality. Take my hand. I got the little hand like the dude on the scary movies.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

You know, give me your other hand. My hand is not strong enough.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

They got that little hand, they can't they can't hold you.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

Oh baby, I can't wait until June. I cannot.

SPEAKER_06 21:43

I know I'm going to see that. Oh, yeah. But yeah, they just don't have the capacity to carry you, and that's cool.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Yes. And then the other thing is sometimes they didn't choose you because choosing you would require growth. And not everybody wants to do that. And that I Can respect because at least you're being honest with yourself to say that you will have to grow. Even though you want to stay stagnant in the place that you're in, at least you respected me enough to kind of disappoint me, but you saved me in the long run because we don't know what the growth process may look like. We don't know what you're going through. And honestly, again, I can respect that you you don't choose me if you're not ready to grow yet. I'm good. We good.

SPEAKER_05 22:32

Period.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

We see each other, baby. I'm trying to elevate, you trying to levitate.

SPEAKER_06 22:37

I ain't and it's okay if y'all are not growing at the same time. I just want y'all to know, rejection doesn't mean that you weren't worthy. Sometimes it just means that you weren't willing to abandon yourself. And I always like to say man's rejection is God's protection. You might feel a certain kind of way because some rejection don't feel good, don't get me wrong. But you're being protected from something. You might not know what it is, you might not understand. You might not even care. Like, I don't care. I just want it right now. But please believe man's rejection is God's protection. So when somebody chooses to walk away from you, choose to accept the fate of it and choose to embrace your peace. Because let me tell you, being chosen does not come with uncertainty. Being chosen does not come with confusion. When a friend chooses you, when a parent chooses you, when a significant other chooses you, baby, you know, because the proof is in the pudding.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

All the way there, baby. And it's chocolate flavor, too.

SPEAKER_06 23:38

Okay. Listen. All right. So we're gonna get into the difference between being chosen and being used. Ooh, that's stink. Some people aren't choosing you, they're choosing the access that they have to you. And there's a difference. They choose what you do for them, not who you are to them. I'm being around, I'm in close proximity to this person because I know what they bring. I know the type of caliber they are. I know you know who they're connected to or I know what I can get from them. But that moment you stop giving, they stopped choosing you. And they wasn't your person to begin with. I promise you that. Start taking away some of the things that you used to do to overextend yourself to people and watch people disappear. I've loved it.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

I have too, baby. When I start pulling back, because I used to be the one that calls all the time. And then I'd be like, let me see what would happen if I don't call. Are they gonna call me? Are they gonna pick up the phone and say, hey, I haven't heard from you in a while? Baby, I did that all throughout my undergrad, best lead. I was the one that was on calling. My family, my friends, my one of my best friends that, you know, left college. I was always calling out. Then I decided to say, hmm, let me step back. Let me see if they're gonna call me, if they haven't heard from me in a day or two. Okay, baby, dry. Dry than the Dry in the Sahara Desert, baby. It was dry, dry, dry, dry than some of these people's uh hair scalp. That Andra, that's how dry that phone was, okay?

SPEAKER_06 25:09

Sells and blue, huh? Do they still make self and blue?

SPEAKER_01 25:12

And do, and do, because I use it sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 25:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 25:16

But yeah.

SPEAKER_06 25:16

But what'd that feel like though? When you when you fall back and then you realize and you do all the, you stop calling, and then what'd that feel like?

SPEAKER_01 25:24

It hurts. It it really hurt. I felt like, wow, they are not here for me as I am there for them. I mean, I felt hurt. Rejected. Unwarranted.

SPEAKER_06 25:36

Oh, poo. I felt unwarranted. I felt rejected.

SPEAKER_03 25:41

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06 25:42

Again. Man's rejection is God's protection. My cousin has said, my cousin Tin has said something to me before where I was feeling used in a certain situation. And she said this to me, and I'm like, dang, you right. But she was like, people can't use your heart. So if you genuinely doing something out the genuineness of your heart, like you reaching out to them because that's what you want to do. Hey, I ain't hurting this person. Let me shoot them a kite. Let me see how they're doing. Because I was thinking about them. Or, you know, I had them on my heart to do so. Then people can't use your heart. So continue to choose to do what it is that you want to do. But we're we are talking about being used as well. But if you're doing something from your heart, then can't nobody use you for real, for real. And then of course that comes with setting boundaries and putting limitations to what you are willing to do.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

That is true. Like when somebody truly chooses you, they choose your needs too. As you stated, your boundaries. Set your boundaries. If they really respect and care about you, then they will respect and care about your boundaries. No matter if it hurt them or not, they would still say, Well, my friend, that's their boundary, and I'm not going to go against that. Baby, I'm choosing my peace over anybody every single time because my peace is all I have. My peace is what's going to keep me through the day. My peace is going to keep me grounded. If you disturb my peace, you can get out and get up and go. Because peace be still. And the next thing is your heart. They also choose your heart and what that does when their actions cause hurt to you or harm to you. They're going to choose you because they're going to make sure they want to protect your heart as well.

SPEAKER_06 27:27

Yeah. And like the Yeah, and that's for friendships, that's for relationships and all that. I remember I mentioned I took my mom says, You talk about me in every episode. But I do remember a time where me and my friends, we were at odds because my mom was like very enmeshed in my friend group. And it it was times where she would know about things that were going on, and I wasn't the one that had told her. She's like, hey, when are we going to such and such? And I'm like, who invited you one and who told you? So it was some side conversations I'm having with my friends, like, hey, can y'all stop inviting my mama to such and such? And then that in the in a roundabout way got kind of ganged up on. Well, you know, we love your mama, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I'm practically begging y'all to respect my boundaries and respect my peace. Because even though it might be cool, because my mom the turnup and she's fun, that might be cool and funny and all that to y'all, but that ain't funny to me. And it's triggering for me and it's upsetting to me. And I don't want to see that and I don't want to be around that. So again, if you choosing me as your friend, then choose to protect my boundaries, choose to protect my heart, choose to protect my peace of mind. So that that resonated a lot with me right there. All right. So um now we're gonna teach y'all how to choose yourself first. Because if you choose yourself first, you're worrying about somebody else picking you. Like, let me go back to that example I gave about the the two captains on the team. If you're gonna choose me last, cool. But I know a value that I bring to that game that you choose me last on. So I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna show out. Okay. I'm gonna do one of two things. I ain't gonna do nothing because I wasn't chosen and I just felt like I was available or I'm gonna go all out. But me, I'm probably gonna choose the latter because I always give a hundred percent effort effort in what I do. But um choose yourself first, so know who you are. Be laughing on the inside, like, yeah, they ain't they ain't pick me yet, but I know I add the most value to this team. I know I'm the fastest, I know I'm the most talented or whatever. So I got a whole story behind that too, but that's another day, another episode. But here's where we shift that energy. Being chosen starts with you, it starts with you choosing you because you train people on how to treat you based on how you treat yourself. So if you over there in the slumps looking all upset and defeated because you ain't get chosen on the sideline, you really ain't about to get you ain't about to be the second pick, you ain't about to be the third pick because you look like you don't know what to do. You look defeated. So stop negotiating your worth, stop over-explaining your boundaries, and stop loving people at the expense of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

Say that again.

SPEAKER_06 30:09

Stop loving people at the expense of yourself. What that look like? What that look like for you. When you when you think of I'm loving somebody else at the expense of me, I gotta take a sip to that one.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Baby, when I constantly make sure that they good, regardless if it's a detriment to me. I've been there and done that so many of my past relationships to the point I lost me. That marriage was one where I lost who I was as an individual, and I had to redefine who I was. I lost my independency, and honestly, I had lost that prior to even being married, if I'm gonna be 100% honest. I started losing my independency because again, in that last relationship as well, over exerted myself, I started to lose who I was as an individual. So I didn't know how to do a lot of the things at that time. And baby, when I got into my an apartment and all that, maybe that was like starting fresh, starting new, because you come from a place where the individual always did the bills. You know what I'm saying? Paid everything, had everything set up and all that. All I had to do was just give the money. Here you go.

SPEAKER_04 31:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:24

You know what I'm saying? Now, when I got my apartment and I had to, baby, I got water, I got internet, I got rent, I got car payments, I had all that, and tried to have to figure that out because the independency of putting so much into that relationship where I forgot who, in the essence, I was as an individual by myself.

SPEAKER_06 31:47

I heard you say, like being in a relationship, relying on him to pay the bills. I remember an episode back, I think he was taking you to work or something like that. So that it was the transportation thing.

SPEAKER_01 31:57

So then my car.

SPEAKER_06 32:03

Okay, vet, letting Jody use your car to go to work. He just the mama's boy, that's all.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

And he was a mama's boy, too. Oh my God. That's that makes it even worse.

SPEAKER_06 32:12

We didn't build you a little fort, huh?

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Man, your fort.

SPEAKER_06 32:17

Oh, yeah, so off track. So you was losing your independence, but you you did, you took some accountability and you said prior to the marriage, you had already found yourself starting to lose some independence there, right? So I had mentioned a relationship I was in back before where I felt like I lost myself. I remember begging this guy when we was breaking up. Well, he broke up with me. I remember begging him not to leave. And this was a really good thing. Who does that? Where do they do that at? And I remember being in that relationship and being afraid to crack a joke. And I'm, you know, I'm a joke, so I will crack a joke at a funeral. But I was so afraid that my authentic self would turn him off. Cause he, I I typically, yeah, I like a lot of older guys. He was about 10 years my senior. And so I was just afraid to be me. So I was loving it. I do like older men. Well, I think so. I don't know about now. That was I don't know about now because they they be setting their ways, they be kind of mean a little bit. But anyhow, so listen, so I was loving him at the expense of me. And I tell my clients this all the time. If what you're doing for somebody else is the detriment of your own personal well-being, you can't afford to do it. Or you can't afford to be there or whatever, because you're sacrificing your own peace of mind and your well-being just to get somebody else's peace. How in what world does that make sense? Well, I want you to be peaceful, but I'm up all night pacing back and forth, praying and crying and screaming and hollering, but you drooling on the pillow, because I ain't say nothing. Because I kept my feelings internal, I internalized my feelings or I suppressed my feelings, or because I bit my tongue or I'm walking on eggshells, because I God forbid I upset you, but it's okay for me to be upset. Uh-uh. I ain't doing that. I ain't doing that at all.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

Baby, aren't you tired? Tired, tired of the way he says me.

SPEAKER_06 34:18

You know, I hum when I don't know the words to the sun. So I'm not sure. Okay, me either.

SPEAKER_01 34:21

I just I just know that part.

SPEAKER_06 34:23

If I was on the Tyler Perry movie, I remember.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

You know, you know Kelly Price is gonna do it, though.

SPEAKER_06 34:28

Yeah, that was Kelly Price.

SPEAKER_01 34:29

Next, you have to stop waiting for someone else's approval to feel whole. That one hit hard.

SPEAKER_06 34:37

That did hit. That one hit real hard.

SPEAKER_01 34:40

That one.

SPEAKER_06 34:41

That really did.

SPEAKER_01 34:42

You know, I hit dog well, what? Holla.

SPEAKER_06 34:44

Holla. Holla.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

Holla if you hear me. All right. Then you also have to stop giving repeated access to people who have shown you they can't show. Now, I don't know why I do this a lot of times. I think it's the cancer in me because I do like a little toxic stuff. But I have to stop doing that. I have to stop giving myself access to people that fail to show up for me.

SPEAKER_06 35:12

So I'm thinking there's a difference from somebody that needs you and somebody that chooses you. All right, let's just say somebody constantly inviting you to gigs and you show up, but anytime you have something, they always got an excuse every single time. But they expect you to be there. So now they become overly reliant upon your support, but they're not willing to give you any. That doesn't work. So, yes, in today's age, if I'm gonna show up for you, it's because one, I want to, I have the mental capacity, I have the emotional capacity to do some, do so. But in retrospect, I'm also showing up because in my heart of hearts, I believe that you'll offer or you'll extend the same support to me. Because the days of me showing up for people that don't show up for me or don't show up for my kids, they're done. They're over. And but that's that's you gotta learn that. You gotta learn who's actually around you because they they need you, or who's around you because they're choosing to be around, because they appreciate your company, they appreciate your wisdom, or they just appreciate you as a person.

unknown 36:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

People treat you like an option when you present yourself like one. People treat you like an option when you present yourself like one. When you choose yourself consistently, the things you accept, attract, and tolerate shifts fast.

SPEAKER_06 36:37

Yeah, period, real fast. Well, it's another saying too though. Like, why, why do I, how come I gotta make you a priority when I'm an option to you or something like that? Or I'm going, you know, people be like, I'm gonna stop making you a priority when I'm if I'm gonna be optional, if I'm gonna be optional for you. But again, we're talking about prioritizing yourself first, choosing yourself first. Everybody else fall in line, but make sure that you choose you. You love you, you pick you, you validate you, all that. Stop negotiating your worth, stop over-explaining your boundaries, stop loving people at the expense of yourself, all of that. Stop waiting for somebody else's approval to feel whole. I remember, oh my gosh, late 20s, I had bought a crib. Ex-boyfriend from high school, college came to visit. He walked in, he looked around. This is my my first crib I had bought. Walked in, looked around, he nodded his head. He was like, Well, you did it. I'm proud of you. And it's like I had waited for years just to hear him say that. Like I needed that validation from him because I had done it all by myself. I had did it all by myself, not from the help of him, not from the help of my mama, not from the help of my daddy, but only from the help of God. And my hard work got me into that house. And it's like hearing I'm proud of you from him meant everything in the world to me. But I didn't need his approval to feel whole. Like, why? You you graduated college on your own, D. You brought this crib on your own, D. You know what I'm saying? You didn't need his approval, but we have to stop waiting for people to validate us before we can feel like we're whole. So again, choose you first. Now we know we went over a lot, as all per usual. So we're gonna throw out some of the key details that we went over today. You want to start it off?

SPEAKER_01 38:29

Sure. We talked about what does being chosen even means, right? Being chosen means someone actively decides I want you and I value you. I'm showing up for you on purpose.

SPEAKER_06 38:43

Period. Period. And then we dived into why so many people are hungry to be chosen. Some people ain't never been chosen a day in a day in their life. One of my teens came to me and she said, I just want somebody to choose me.

SPEAKER_00 38:56

That hurt. Ooh.

SPEAKER_06 38:58

That hurt. And it hurt me. My eyes got watery. She said, Miss G, I just want somebody to choose me. And I'm like, oh my God, to feel like you've never been chosen by anybody, nobody. No mama, no daddy, no boyfriend, no friend, no sister, no brother, nobody. At least I can be like, well, I know some certain amount of people that chose me, but to feel like you ain't never been chosen by nobody, that hurts. So again, a lot of people just want that. They want to feel prioritized. They want to feel selected. Choose me first out of the lineup. I don't want to be, I don't want to be picked last. I don't feel good to be picked last. Choose me first because you know you see my value. You see me as an MVP. Then we dived into go ahead, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

Yeah, then we talked about the lies we believe we're not chosen. Okay. Like, then we start thinking about, oh, what's wrong with me? What didn't I give enough? How could I be more? Well, baby, it's not you. This time it's not you. It's them. Okay. It's definitely them. It is them as my head shake with my Bob, okay?

SPEAKER_06 40:11

And also we talked about the difference between being chosen and being used. Remember, man's rejection is God's protection. And you can't you can't be used if you're giving it from your heart, anyways. If it's genuine, nobody can use you. But when somebody chooses you, they choose your needs, they choose your heart, they choose your peace, and they choose your boundaries. So if they're overlooking all those things, they're not choosing you, baby. They're using you for what they can get out of you. But a person that is genuinely choosing you, they're gonna respect those things, your heart. I respect your heart, so I'm not trying to do anything to break it. I respect your boundaries, so I'm not trying to cross them. I respect your peace of mind, so I'm not trying to cause chaos and disruption to your everyday life. That's somebody that chooses you. And then we talked about choosing yourself numero uno first. I don't think you need to explain that. That's self-explanatory, ain't it?

SPEAKER_01 41:04

Ain't it? It is because it said it all for itself. Choosing yourself.

unknown 41:12

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 41:14

Hey.

SPEAKER_06 41:15

All right, y'all. So y'all already know how we get down. It is QA time.

SPEAKER_05 41:27

It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA.

SPEAKER_06 41:37

It's time for right, y'all. So Daquine, what is that QA question of the day?

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Well, the QA question comes from Brittany Charlotte, North Carolina. Hey, Britt, Britt, what's going on, Gorly? Groa, how you doing, Gora?

SPEAKER_02 41:54

Okay, Britt, Britt.

SPEAKER_01 41:57

Brittany wants to add, wants to know, how do you stop feeling unworthy when someone picks someone else?

SPEAKER_06 42:05

Say that again.

SPEAKER_01 42:06

How do I stop feeling unworthy when someone picks someone else?

SPEAKER_06 42:11

Let them. And thank God that they did pick somebody else. Because if you got to choose between me and somebody else, choose them. Let them be the headache. That now I'm not discrediting or discounting the way that you feel, because that don't feel good when you're not selected. We we just talked about that. But start recognizing your value as an individual. What value do I have to bring? Not just to this, to this situation or this relationship, but what value do I have to bring to myself? Because remember, putting yourself first.

SPEAKER_01 42:40

That that takes the cake right there. You have to realize your worth and your self-value when you don't be, when you're not chosen. Yes, it hurts. Yes, you feel unworthy, but also look at it in another aspect. What did you dodge? What did you ignore when you knew it was a red flag? Look at those and then really ask yourself, are you really unworthy for dodging at bullets? Because we do feel ourselves not being worthy because we really had interest in that person. We really care for them. All those things. One point. Okay, all those things can be nice, all those things can be great. They can have face value. But did that person listen to you? Did that person respect you? Did they respect your boundaries? Did they hear you and not did are they talking with you or are they talking at you?

SPEAKER_06 43:44

Did they choose you out of where you were just available?

SPEAKER_01 43:47

Obviously, you weren't chosen. Because you you I mean, no shade. Because you made yourself available when you should have been unavailable. To that person.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06 44:01

Yeah. We ain't even really dive deep, deep, deep, deep into unavailability, but you don't need to be available to everybody.

SPEAKER_01 44:09

No. Not everybody needs to have access to you.

SPEAKER_06 44:12

Yeah, you need to be PRN for some folks.

SPEAKER_01 44:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_06 44:16

I show up as needed when I want to. This is my availability. PRN means you work when you can and when you want to. I'm available and you throw that out there to the person. And if they bite, they bite. If they don't, they don't. But no, this ain't a on call. You're not on call.

SPEAKER_01 44:34

Mm-mm. Definitely not on call, because baby, you ain't paying me to be on call. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 44:40

It's real prostitutionalists. I don't even know if that's a word, but it sounds prostitutionist. Prostitutionalist. This sounds like prostitution.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

Well, baby, I'm a prostate hoop, okay? Because ignite.

SPEAKER_06 44:56

Just ignant for no reason.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

I don't even know where I got a prostate hoop from. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_06 45:03

A hit dog will holler.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

You gotta pay for my time. You gotta pay for my because my time just like I value your time just like I value my time. Because I'm not here to waste no time.

SPEAKER_06 45:15

Come on now.

SPEAKER_01 45:16

I'm not here to waste no time. One thing that I can't stand is when you're dating somebody or y'all been talking for two, three years, the other person, that was a waste of my time. No, it wasn't a waste of time because in that experience, I learned what I should do and what I should not do, what I value and what I don't value. What I'm gonna stand for and what I'm not going to stand for.

SPEAKER_06 45:42

Yeah. What what Denzel say? Oh, I'm leaving here with something. I'm gonna leave here with something. I'm not just walking away from that relationship with nothing, with no knowledge, with no wisdom, with the lesson learned, I'm walking away. Oh, I'm leaving here with something. I ain't never wasting my time ever.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

I ain't never given. Okay? Listen.

SPEAKER_06 46:02

Never wasting my time because you taught me something that I didn't know before I got with you. I know better. And if you know better, you do better.

SPEAKER_01 46:09

Exactly. Period.

SPEAKER_06 46:11

Period. Who was that? Brittany.

SPEAKER_01 46:14

Britt, Britt. Hey, gorilla.

SPEAKER_06 46:15

Thank you for your question, Britt.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 46:18

Keep the questions coming, y'all. Keep them coming, keep them coming. I just text my family a little while ago. They took too long to give me an answer. So we're gonna have to use your QA question. Who gave me that? Who gave me that? I think my son sent me one. We just gonna have to use yours next time. But we're gonna get time. Uh y'all know it's time for our affirmation and action of the day. So, Daquan, what is our lovely affirmation for the day?

SPEAKER_01 46:42

Okay, so a lovely affirmation, putting my affirmation voice on. I choose myself first. I attract people who choose me willingly, consistently, and wholeheartedly.

SPEAKER_06 46:56

Say it again.

SPEAKER_01 46:57

I choose myself first. I attract people who choose me willingly, consistently, and wholeheartedly.

SPEAKER_06 47:08

Willingly, consistent. We're gonna talk about consistency on another episode. Willingly, consistently, and wholeheartedly. I choose people who choose me willingly, consistently, not just when they feel like it, but consistently and wholeheartedly.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_06 47:29

All right, that was good. And what's the action of the day?

SPEAKER_01 47:32

Be a bad bitch. Nah. Uh, I the action for today is write a letter about the things that you value about yourself.

SPEAKER_06 47:43

Say it again. You went a little low.

SPEAKER_01 47:45

Write, write you a letter of the things that you value yourself.

SPEAKER_06 47:50

Write a letter about the things that you value about yourself. Okay. All right. How many at a minute?

SPEAKER_01 47:56

Until you feel worthy.

SPEAKER_06 47:58

Okay. All right. You know, because some people could be writing for a long time.

SPEAKER_01 48:02

Yes. And then I want you to go back over those positive things and say, I am worthy.

SPEAKER_06 48:10

I am worthy. And is.

SPEAKER_01 48:12

And is very much.

SPEAKER_06 48:14

I gotta I gotta come up out this Cosby sweater. But we appreciate y'all for rocking with us another week.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

Yes, man.

SPEAKER_06 48:22

Your girl is hot.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Like fire. Look at you. And that's a wrap for this round of Trigger Happy Hour, where we take shots of the truth with no chaser. Just for all conversations where the shots are sharp and it takes a sharper. And nothing gets off the table. If you like what you heard, hit that follow button, leave a review, and tell someone who can handle the heat. Pull up a bar stood next week for more real talk. You can find us on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. Until then, stay bold, stay loud, and don't order it down.

SPEAKER_04 48:52

Cheers.