The Myth That Caring Is Uncool

Season 4, Episode 5

When did caring become something to be ashamed of?

Somewhere along the way, we started acting like the coolest people were the ones who cared the least. We downplay our effort, pretend success came naturally and sometimes hide the things that matter most to us because we're afraid of looking too invested.

In this episode, I'm exploring why that mindset is so common, what psychology tells us about the instinct to protect ourselves from disappointment and why meaningful relationships, creative work and personal growth all require us to risk caring deeply.

Because the people who build lives they're proud of are the ones willing to show up, try hard and let themselves be seen.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome back to your next chapter, the podcast for women who read, write, and live creatively. I'm your host, Rebecca Hasselak, and today we are talking about when caring became uncool. So the deal here is that somewhere along the way, we, and I'm using that collectively, society started confusing detachment with confidence. The people who build meaningful lives, though, are not the ones who care the least. They're the ones willing to care enough to be seen trying. So let's tackle this together. Something that made me think of this is being exposed to teen culture. I have a 12-year-old and a 17-year-old, and I hear some stuff either through the content they consume or the people they're around or just observing them and different comments they make. And while both of my kids care about the things that they are involved in, and this doesn't really apply to them on that front, I have seen the general trend in those age ranges where caring is kind of looked at as lame. There's even a word for it. It's called a tryhard, which is pretty self-explanatory. But I'm gonna read you what dictionary.com says about it. It says in slang, a tryhard, often written as one word, is a derogatory term for someone who tries too hard to win, impress others, or fit in. It implies that their behavior feels forced, desperate, or takes the fun out of a casual situation. Now, if any Gen Z or Gen Alphas are listening, which is probably unlikely, but if they are, they might come at me and say that I'm misinterpreting this slang term. And if so, that's their prerogative. They are, they are the ones living in amongst this culture, not me. But as I understand it, it's the idea of like, you're trying too hard, you're caring too much, you're wearing your heart on your sleeve, and it's a little embarrassing for you. That's the general idea. But honestly, guys, when did caring become embarrassing? And this isn't just a teenage issue. Adults do it too. It's just a little sneakier when we do it. Think about it like this. So maybe in college you got an A on the test and someone's like, wow, way to go. And you're like, I barely studied. Or someone compliments your outfit. You go, oh, really? I just threw this together. Or someone tells you that somebody said something about you and it was either negative or positive. And your response is to sort of be like, I don't really care what people think, right? We see this all the time. And it's kind of a weird thing. Like, why is it cooler to not care? The fact is it's not. The pretense of not caring is actually a self-protective measure. So I will posit that anybody who acts like they don't care or who acts like caring is uncool is actually very much susceptible to what other people think and probably cares very much. So here's the idea of this: there is something called self-handicapping, which is basically distancing yourself from a goal in order to protect your self-esteem if you fail. So not caring or pretending not to care, which is more likely. There are very few people in this world who genuinely don't care. Usually people are just pretending they don't care. And that is emotional armor, if you think about it. So let's say you want to try out for the soccer team and you know it's competitive, and you know you're a decent player, but maybe you haven't been playing since you were nine months old like everybody else, and you're talking with your friends and they're saying, Yeah, are you gonna go to tryouts this week? And you're like, Yeah, but it's whatever. And they're like, What do you mean? It's like, well, I don't really care if I make it, right? You are setting the stage to prevent later embarrassment or disappointment. That's basically all that is. And that is something that happens a lot with teens and kids, but also adults. We do do this quite often. Detachment protects us from disappointment. But here's the thing, guys, it also protects us from success because you cannot actually be detached or pretend to be detached and care enough to do something well. Doing something well requires great care, great investment of time, great investment of energy, great investment of passion, and also great assumption of risk because caring and trying will always leave you vulnerable to not getting the thing, to not achieving the outcome, to falling flat on your face. And so, really, this whole caring is uncool thing is entirely about just protecting yourself from disappointment and embarrassment. And I want to read you something from one of my favorite authors and authorities. He just has a great way of thinking about things. Brad Stolberg is the author of The Way of Excellence. And I love to follow him on social media too. He has great insights just into the world and in so many different aspects. But here's something he said. Caring is cool. You are not going to be the best anything, including the best version of yourself with an attitude of nonchalance. Step in the arena, try hard, give a damn. And I will say preach, Brad, because honestly, I couldn't say it any better myself. Nonchalance gets you nowhere, except either right where you are or even regressing backward. You need to care. You need to put yourself out there. And I love that arena analogy because once again, if you're not down in the arena, you never have a shot at what you're trying to do, right? You can't just be a spectator in your life. Get in the arena and try hard. And who cares if someone calls you a try hard? It doesn't matter. All it means is that you care enough about your life, about your pursuits, and about yourself to actually give yourself a shot. So why are teens especially vulnerable? If you have teens, this is an important thing to pay attention to. In general, adolescents are very sensitive to peer evaluation, which we know, right? And sometimes it can be aggravating as a parent because you're like, you really need that brand of water bottle because you want to fit in so badly, but it's not just about fitting in. It's actually a biological need to belong. And there's a lot of brain research on this and just research in general. And it's actually, you know, we sometimes criticize kids and teens for wanting to fit in, for being followers or being trendy or caring so much about that stuff. But there actually is a biological need to belong that developed from needing to be part of a pack to survive, right? So I'm sort of oversimplifying it. But social acceptance feels kind of like life or death to teens and kids. It really, really does, especially teens. And so what happens is they are looking around at their peers, these voices that suddenly become louder than anybody else's voices. And making visible effort feels so risky because if you're visibly making effort and you don't win or get a spot on the team, or get the, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, like you are risking rejection from your peers ultimately, or humiliation. And who wants to do that? Not teens, I will tell you. Now, I am lumping teens together. I know that there are a ton of teens who care deeply who do not fall prey to this in the same way that so many others do. And so I'm not at all lumping everyone into the same thing. I'm just speaking generally about trends at those ages and how they tend to be influenced. There are a lot of great kids, mine included, who, of course, they want to belong too and they have they face some of these same things, but they still care deeply and they invest in their pursuits and they work hard. And that's awesome. It's amazing. And it's even more amazing when you realize how much pressure is on them to fit in and to not stand out and to not mess up in front of their peers. So, but where did this culture come from? One thing I will say, not to blame social media for everything, but social media totally rewards effortless success, right? It really does. Like people can post stuff on there, make themselves look successful in any variety of ways, make it look easy, and you don't get to see behind the curtain. So there's a lot of this even in like image culture, right? And with celebrities, like celebrities who very clearly have done quite a bit of work, plastic surgery, injectables, whatever the case may be. And then in an interview, all they'll say is, well, you know, I have really good genetics and I get, I make sure and I get my eight hours of sleep. And they credit their appearance to these things when really there's a lot going on behind the scenes that they're not telling everyone about. I'm not shaming people for making aesthetic choices they want to make. Sure, make them, but let's be honest about stuff, guys. Like if you are showing something, some goal that is truly unattainable unless you do certain things, you should be honest about that. Because then some 19-year-old is gonna look at your pictures and think, oh, well, maybe my genetics aren't great, but maybe if I get nine hours of sleep, I'll look like that. And then they are horribly disappointed and misled because you weren't honest about it. That's just one example, but effortless success in a variety of ways. Like if, let's see, what else? I mean, there are people on social media who post ridiculous travel photos and stay at fancy places, fly private, and they don't, they happen to not tell you who is funding all of this. It might be a romantic partner, it might be the company's paying them, but what they are, the image they're projecting is that this is just my life. This is effortless, and it's just not real. So social media is a big problem in terms of amplifying what looks like effortless success. Highlight reels also hide all the practice, right? Everybody looks like just a natural or an overnight success, but you don't get to see all of the hours and the grind and the all the things that go into actually making someone successful, oftentimes. Some people are trying to show some of that now, which is cool, but highlight reels are dangerous for that. Perfectionism is another big issue, and it's an issue because it makes trying feel dangerous. If you can't be guaranteed that you will do something perfectly or that you will get your ultimate outcome, that is really scary and it makes even trying feel like a dangerous thing to do. So, how about this? How about the relational version of nonchalance? Because this is also a thing. The mindset of kind of caring is uncool doesn't stop with school or careers. It actually often shapes our closest relationships. How many times have you talked with a friend, especially, you know, if you're married or in a long-term relationship, it's probably not a topic of conversation now, but in the dating world, how many times have you had a conversation where someone tells you, you know, I know he texted you, but wait at least three hours so you don't seem too interested, right? Or don't be the first to say I love you. Or just in general, pretend to care less than you actually do. All of these are versions of like plain hard to get because there somehow was this belief along the way that the person who cares less has more power. That is just unhealthy, guys. That is dysfunctional. That is not a relationship you want. If you have to play games like that, let me tell you, move on, find somebody else. Because someone who values you and values your time is not going to require games to remain interested. They're just not. So if you think emotional distance creates healthy relationships, it doesn't. Real intimacy requires someone to go first, and healthy relationships aren't built on these skewed power dynamics anyway. They're built on trust, honesty, and mutual vulnerability. So just remember, caring isn't giving away your power. It's choosing connection over self-protection. And that's on a relational front. What does it cost you if you are playing it cool in relationships? It's gonna cost you deep friendships. You'll never get really close to someone. It'll cost you a healthy marriage, great creative work, meaningful careers, strong parenting, personal growth, all of this because everything worthwhile asks us to risk disappointment. And guess what? If you risk disappointment, at some point you will feel disappointment. And guess what else? You will survive it. Go back to my episode about emotions last week. You're gonna need to feel it, you're gonna need to process it, but you will survive. And truly, everything worthwhile is going to ask you to risk disappointment. So you're gonna have to do that. Remember when it comes to creativity, that nobody writes a novel, learns an instrument, starts a business, or creates meaningful art while pretending not to care. Passion should be visible. It really should, and that's okay. I mean, imagine you guys, imagine watching an incredible dancer or an incredible musician who's standing in front of you looking bored out of their mind, or just totally mastering the art of looking nonchalant. Is that interesting?

unknown 12:44

No.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

Well, that's terrible. You want to see that someone's connected to their art. You want to see that they care, that this matters to them. So make passion visible, make trying visible. I try really hard in a lot of areas, and I'm okay with that. I'm proud of that. I don't want to be someone who sits back and just tries to play it safe because I'm scared of disappointment. Disappointment sucks. Disappointment can sting, but guess what? It's worth it to risk that in order to care about something. And there's a little bit of a paradox here because a lot of the time we admire excellence, but sometimes mock the effort that's required to achieve it. We celebrate the finished product while overlooking the years of wholehearted practice behind it. And it's just kind of a weird little paradox. So let's let's move on from that. So, how can you care openly? We're gonna shift this culture, right? We're gonna reject that caring is I'm cool, and we're gonna do things differently. So, how do you do that? Well, first of all, name what matters to you. Be honest about it. Celebrate effort, your own effort, and not just your outcomes. Normalize enthusiasm. I actually I just thought of this. I volunteered in my daughter's class, I think in fourth grade, and we were helping them play some sort of winter games or something. And this kid said to me, I was like leading this table and explaining the game. And I naturally am a pretty enthusiastic person. I'm pretty smiley and bubbly and friendly and all the things. But uh, you know, I was explaining it and this fourth grader gave me this look and was like, maybe you could tone down the enthusiasm a bit. Or he said something along those lines, and I was just like, oh my gosh, first of all, can't believe this child just said this to me. Second of all, I will not tone down my enthusiasm. You are gonna have to live with it, and maybe it'll rub off on you, you little curmudgeon. But anyway, the point is, it's fine. Be enthusiastic, normalize it. Accept the caring makes you vulnerable because it does, but redefine cool as wholeheartedness instead of indifference. You can help change the culture by modeling a different way, whether you're a parent, a teacher, a leader, an artist, a friend, you can do something different. Don't tease someone for being a tryhard, celebrate their commitment, their curiosity, their courage, and do the same. Pursue something with passion, make it visible. And I just want to ask you this: what would you do if you weren't worried about looking like you cared? Now go do that. Wholehearted people don't always avoid disappointment. They pretty much never do. You're going to feel disappointment, like I said. But they experience richer relationships, more meaningful work, deeper creativity, and lives that reflect what truly matters. And I'm gonna close with a real quick quote from Brene Brown, who you know is one of my very faves. And she wrote, courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. So I encourage you guys show up, care like you mean it, wear your enthusiasm openly, let yourself be seen, and also keep creating and keep turning the page.