The Traits the World Overlooks

Season 4, Episode 6

What if the qualities you've spent your life trying to change are the very ones the world needs most?

Society often admires the loudest voice in the room or the biggest personality. But some of the most meaningful work, deepest relationships and most enduring creativity come from qualities that don't always get immediate recognition. 

In this episode, I'm exploring six traits that are often underestimated and sharing how I ultimately realized that many of the qualities I once saw as shortcomings became some of my greatest strengths. 

My hope is, after listening, you will see this in yourself, too. 

Transcript

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Welcome back to your next chapter, the podcast for women who read, write, and live creatively. I'm your host, Rebecca Hasselak. And today we are talking about some of the traits that the world overlooks. So if you've ever felt like certain traits of yours have been diminished or dismissed or undervalued in the past, maybe you will discover a new way of looking at them today. So I thought of this topic because this is just an obvious part of living in the world we live in. The world often celebrates traits that are immediately visible. Things like charisma, confidence, popularity, extroversion. But many of the qualities that lead to meaningful work, deep relationships, and lasting creativity are actually a lot quieter than that. So this episode is about learning to value the strengths that you have possibly spent your life apologizing for. I want to share a little bit about my story. I was a pretty quiet child growing up. I was always pretty animated and joyful at home and with people that I was close to and felt comfortable with. But when it came to being at school or in dance class, I was just very, very reserved. I remember one of my ballet teachers pulling me aside one day and saying, Hey, Rebecca, I know you take ballet really seriously, but it's okay to have fun. We want you to have fun. And in my mind, I was like, I am having fun. This is me having fun. Like I was enjoying it, but I was also very serious about it. And my version of fun wouldn't be to be like chatting in between combinations. That's just not who I was. I was pretty quiet, pretty reserved. And this was also the way it was in school. Like I would always get my yearbook at the end of the year. And I can tell you, and I don't know why people felt the need to write this, but people would say, and this happened over and over again, you are so nice, but you're so quiet. Or they would say some version of like, you're so sweet, I wish you would talk more. Or like, you're so nice and quiet. Like literally that combination. It was always like nice paired with quiet. And I was a nice person, but I I was also a quiet person. But the way that people spoke about it made it seem like it was a net negative. Like, if only you talked more, if only you were louder, if only you were the life of the party. And that has just never been me. Now, through the years, I have learned to engage with people. I can do small talk. I don't love small talk. I'll be honest, you guys. A lot of the time small talk seems really silly and unnecessary, and I'm still wired that way, where I'll be nice and friendly, but I'm sort of like, do we really need to talk about the traffic or the weather? Like, maybe not. So, you know, I'm perfectly fine sitting in contented silence. And some people aren't comfortable with that. So everyone has their own wiring. But I have definitely come out of my shell as I've grown and I've done a lot of things that involve public speaking and being on stage and things like that. And so I definitely wouldn't categorize myself as quiet anymore, but I still tend to have an introverted nature, which means I can be friendly and I can be chatty and I can engage with people, but I need to recharge in quiet at home in my comfort zone. But what I want to say is that growing up, it was like that was really hard for me. I felt like I was somehow less than just because I wasn't the chattiest person in the class. I assumed that some of those traits made me less interesting. And the thing that I've learned through the years is that even if the world overlooks certain traits, it doesn't mean that they're bad. In fact, a lot of them are strengths. I think that a lot of my traits that I looked at as potentially inferior have actually made me the writer I became and also the mom I became, the partner I became, and just the person I became. A lot of those traits coexist with other traits that are really valuable and needed in this world. And those traits even have their own value separately. So let's dig in. I've mentioned her book before, but I love Susan Kane's book, which is called Quiet. And it's about being a quiet person in a world that can't stop talking. And it's about introversion. And she basically talks about introversion as something that is not a flaw. And there's a whole spectrum. There are outgoing introverts, which is actually how I would probably classify myself now. I can be friendly and I can chat you up and I can engage and enjoy it, but I still need to recharge in private. That's what I'm talking about. But there are other times where I'm in a group and honestly, I just don't feel like talking. I'd way rather listen. I'd way rather observe, and that's okay too. But it's something that we've been kind of taught to see as something negative just because of how society is and because the squeaky wheel often gets the grease, right? So what Susan kind of talks about is she talks about how solitude fuels creativity and deep thinking, and how introverts often excel at observation and listening, which is very true. And that also quiet leaders are actually can be phenomenal leaders because they empower others since they listen before they talk. The other thing she talks about is that deep work often happens away from constant stimulation. So I encourage you to go pick up a copy of Quiet if you've never read it. I own a copy myself. But if you are an introvert or if you've ever struggled with feeling like your personality doesn't fit what the world is looking for, I encourage you to read it because you are needed, you are necessary. I mean, my gosh, imagine if the entire world was all extroverts. Like that would be bananas. And nothing against extroverts, they're very valuable and have their place too. But I'm just saying extroversion is generally more uh well-regarded in our society, whereas introversion kind of gets the short end of the stick and it shouldn't be that way. We're all needed, we all play a role. If we had too many of one and not enough of the other, it would be not great. We really need the range. So now what I'd like to do, since we've covered that, is kind of dig in to six traits that I believe the world often overlooks, or at least I have personally felt the world overlooks, and actually why they might be strengths. So, number one is being quiet. It's okay to be quiet. This is, but this is often mistaken for weakness or a lack of confidence. I have another story here, you guys, and this one is kind of embarrassing. I'm a little vulnerable in sharing this. When I first started working in public relations, I was an intern, and I learned a lot from my coworkers. And I would go to all these meetings with these executives, and they were intimidating, right? These people were CEOs and COOs and senior leaders, and they were all extremely confident. And my PR counterparts were also very confident. They'd been doing this for years. They knew how to engage in a meeting. They knew PR inside and out. I was still learning just the basics of PR. And so I didn't really talk in a lot of the meetings to begin with. Like I would go and I would listen and I would learn. But I didn't contribute because the truth was I didn't feel like I had anything to contribute. I was still learning about public relations. Like, what was I going to add to this conversation? And that's generally how I've always approached things. If I don't have something that I believe is valuable to add, why, you know, why run my mouth? So, anyway, during the course of my first few months in this new career where I was learning, I had a tonsillectomy. Well, you can't talk after you've had a tonsilectomy for a period of, I forget, a couple days or a week, or I don't really remember. But for some reason, my boss still really wanted me to go to this meeting. And it was a client that I'd gone to a meeting for before. And I went and my boss kind of teed us all up and said, Hey, you know, to the client, just so you know, Rebecca just had a tonsilectomy, so she's not going to be able to talk today. And the client, this executive, mind you, I was about 23 years old, maybe 24. This like 45-year-old executive looks at me and goes, Well, not like I would be able to tell the difference. She never talks anyway. And I was so offended, you guys. Granted, he was accurate. I really didn't contribute to any of the meetings, but I thought that was such a rude thing to say. I was incensed, but I also could not say anything. So I merely had to laugh along with everybody and just continue being completely, utterly quiet. So that's my little story there. But the point is, being quiet isn't a negative thing. In fact, a lot of the times, if you're quiet, you're an excellent listener, you're observant, you're thoughtful, you're very emotionally aware, and you notice what others miss. And if you remember, I was quiet in meetings because I was trying not to speak when I didn't have anything of value to say. I would say that's an attribute, right? I could have come in there as a 24-year-old newbie who knew nothing about PR and started throwing out ideas and thoughts and acting like I was an expert, but that would have done nobody any good, right? Instead, I was trying to learn and grow before I started contributing. And there's a creative advantage to being quiet too. Great writers and artists often begin as great observers. So much of what I've gotten to put into my books, so much of my insight into humans, dialogue, behaviors, mannerisms have come because I tend to more be an observer and a listener. So if you are quiet, I am telling you right now, you have nothing to apologize for. You actually have a great strength that is needed in this world. Okay, trait number two, curiosity. Sometimes curiosity gets mislabeled as overthinking or asking too many questions. This is especially true with young children. And most young children are curious, but we need to retain our curiosity, you guys. Curiosity drives discovery, it builds expertise, it leads to innovation, and it creates richer stories. Curiosity isn't weird, it's how discovery happens. So if you are curious, if you've been told you're an overthinker or you ask too many questions, embrace it. Realize curiosity did not kill the cat. Well, maybe it did, but hopefully not. But curiosity is an asset, especially as a creative. It's important to be curious about your own creative industry, about your craft, about others who inspire you, about the emotion your work can evoke. There are so many areas that being curious will benefit you as a creator. So hang on to that, guys. Trait number three, this is a really big one. Sensitivity. If I had a penny for every time someone used the word sensitive as a negative thing, I would be very wealthy, you guys. I would probably go take a trip to Greece tomorrow. Because this is something that is so misunderstood in our world. I have been labeled sensitive, other people I love have been labeled sensitive. And the fact is that sensitivity in and of itself is actually an asset. If you are sensitive, you are likely very empathetic, right? You likely have very strong emotional intelligence, great intuition, major creative depth, right? And you also probably are able to forge really deep connections with others. The truth of sensitivity is that people who are sensitive tend to feel and sometimes absorb stimuli on a much deeper and broader spectrum than other people. So there actually is, you know, there's there's sensitivity in a few sensitivity can cover a lot of different things, but there's sensitivity like sensitivity to sensory stimulation. And people who are actually highly sensitive, which I am, actually process more from a sensory perspective than other people. So there's a reason that sensitive people tend to become more overwhelmed in highly stimulating environments. And in addition, they also tend to process more of others' emotions, the emotional temperature in the room, the nuance of conversation, all of those things that give a lot of texture and depth to different situations that are missed by a lot of people who aren't as sensitive. So being sensitive can come with its challenges. It can make daily life a little overwhelming. It can mean you're a little more exhausted than maybe the average person. But without sensitivity, so much of our greatest art wouldn't exist. So if you are sensitive and the next time someone says, oh, you're too sensitive, take that and turn it into a badge of pride. Like, yeah, I'm sensitive. I feel deeply, I think deeply, I process everything, and I contribute in such a rich way because of this sensitivity. Okay, trait number four, seriousness. I told you I was very serious as a little dancer. There's a picture of me, probably at age, gosh, seven, six, at the bar in ballet. I was looking at my hand. I had the most serious expression on my face. I've always been kind of a weird contradiction, a very serious person in a lot of ways, deep thinker, deep feeler. Take my work and my pursuits and my goals and my relationships very, very seriously. But then I'm also kind of unserious. I'm kind of playful, kind of goofy, kind of silly. So, you know, just because you have one of these traits doesn't mean you also don't have others that complement it. But when you are serious, sometimes people think of you as like maybe boring, or they assume you're quiet, even if you're just serious. And yeah, those two can coexist. But the point is not everybody is loud or funny naturally. Some people are just a little more serious. But a lot of the time, if you're serious, you also have a lot of depth. You're reliable, you're trustworthy. And when you do have conversations, they're often meaningful. People will remember how you made them think, not just how loudly you entertain them. So it's okay if you're not the class clown or the person with the little witty quips or the person who's just like smiley and endearing themselves to everybody. It's okay to be serious. Like, we need people who are serious in this world. And then in a similar but separate vein is thoughtfulness and deliberateness. So I'm gonna let's just call it thoughtfulness. Our world is full of people who want to give their opinion, who want to give hot takes, who want to provide instant reactions. There are literally videos on YouTube of people just reacting to other videos. Like we live in a world where people are so eager to spew their opinions. And sometimes they're well-founded and sometimes they're not. But thoughtfulness, if you are a thoughtful person, you're probably gonna respond more slowly. You are probably gonna think before you speak. This is similar to me in that PR meeting, right? You're going to reflect, you're you will have patience. You might ask better questions, right? You also might really take your time, but when you make a decision, it's a very intentional decision. So sometimes people don't like thoughtfulness because they want you to weigh in right away, right? They want you to pick a side, right? They want you to tell them your opinion. And sometimes it looks like hesitation, but oftentimes thoughtfulness is actually wisdom. And then for our sixth trait, conviction. I decided to include this one because while I still tend to be more on the reserved side, I actually have very strong convictions. And there are certain things I feel very strongly about. And I have found in life, and this isn't to get on a gender-based thing, but a lot of the time as a woman, if you stand up for yourself or somebody else or your conviction, you get accused of being defensive or argumentative or intense. The fact is that you can have strong convictions, you can defend your convictions, you can protect people and ideas that matter, and people still might call you defensive. I've been called defensive a lot. But I'm also not okay to let other people give their opinions and speak freely and then not get a turn to also share mine, right? That's only fair. And I never try to do it in a way that is demeaning or rude or hostile. Sometimes I might get a little fired up, but I do always try to share my convictions in a way that is true to me and is just honest. And a lot of the time, if you are strong in your convictions and you are willing to speak up about them, you probably have a strong sense of justice. You probably are very loyal. You might be involved in some sort of advocacy, either like formally or informally. Either way, you have courage because most people don't have the courage to speak up. Most people don't want to put a target on their back and say how they really feel. But what I want to remind you of is that oftentimes having strong conviction, even if it looks defensive from the outside, often just means deep caring. The goal isn't to stop caring, it's to pair conviction with curiosity and emotional regulation. So, one more example from my life, you know, I had a family member talking about something regarding parenting. And from my perspective, I was perceiving what he was saying as a slight against my parenting. He was really building up something that some friends of his has done as parents and saying how important it was and how he thought it was so good for the kids, and every kid should do it, and that sort of thing. And it was something that I had chosen not to do with my children. And I had had a lot of reasons for this. I have been very intentional as a parent. I've used intuition and research and, you know, all of this. And so I shared my opinion and I I probably did come on pretty strong. I did come on strong. And we talked about it and we cleared the air afterward. But the point was that I had what he didn't see is that I had all these years of parenting where I had made decisions along with my partner very intentionally. And when someone starts talking about something and kind of framing it as like a negative that you didn't do something that another parent did, it can really hit a nerve. And I felt the need to share why I'd chosen to do what I did. He read that as defensiveness and it kind of escalated a bit, but we we worked it all out. And the point is that I really care about that subject. So I'm much more likely to share convictions about things that I care deeply about. And yeah, sometimes that will come across as defensive. But counterpoint is that sometimes the other person has also come on strong on the offensive, right? And so it's worth noticing both. Uh, I don't usually defend myself against someone who is not going on the offensive. So it's just an important thing to keep in mind relationally and to try to think through like, why do I want to share this conviction? Is it important that I stand up for my ideas and my feelings on this? Can I do it in a way that is emotionally regulated? Because that's important. But ultimately, conviction is a strength. We're running low on time here, guys. So I want to tell you that remember some strengths attract immediate attention, but others can quietly change lives. So don't confuse visibility with value. If you have identified with any of these traits that I mentioned today, maybe one, maybe all of them, here are some ways to channel them into true strengths. First of all, stop apologizing for your personality. You do not owe it to anybody else to be anybody different than who you are. You have the personality you have, and it has value. Find environments that appreciate your natural gifts. Not everything is going to be a fit for you. Some environments will naturally be better for you, and you will better serve them. So you might have to do a little trial and error, but seek out those environments that actually work with who you are as a person. Use observation as creative fuel. Let listening become leadership. Turn your curiosity into expertise, channel your sensitivity into empathy, and pair conviction with humility and openness. So I just want to ask you, while we close out here, what trait have you spent your life trying to hide that might actually be one of your greatest gifts? And I would add on, what can you do today to stop hiding it and start embracing it? The world doesn't need everybody to be louder. It needs listeners, observers, readers, thinkers, advocates, creators, and people who quietly make others feel seen. And I will close with a quick quote from none other than the great Susan Kane. And she said, there is zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas. So on that note, you guys, embrace who you are. Don't let anybody tell you that who you are is not enough. It is. You are worthy, you are enough. And a lot of the traits that the world may have overlooked that you possess are the same ones that are going to make you a wonderful creator and just a wonderful human to know and be in relationship with. So on that note, I encourage you to keep creating and keep turning the page.