My Story: Part 3

The story opens on a razor’s edge. Some losses don’t happen once. They happen twice. And the second time, it can feel like it breaks something deeper.

In this chapter of my story, I share what happened after choosing open adoption. Courtrooms, custody battles, another goodbye, and the unraveling that followed. This is about grief in the body, postpartum fear, unstable ground, and the slow work of rebuilding when everything keeps collapsing through every pivot. 

Heather protects the truth, even under pressure to distort it. She names what many never say out loud: systems can grind down the honest, healing can lag behind logistics, and freedom often starts long before circumstances look free.

If you’ve ever wondered how to stand when the floor keeps shifting, this chapter offers hard-won insight, quiet courage, and the reminder Heather keeps returning to: freedom is the advantage you already own. 

If this story moved you, share it with a friend, follow the show, and leave a review so others can find their way here. What part of survival do we talk about least?

Be sure to send in your questions and/or share your story on my website!

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Transcript

A New Season Of Real Stories;

Heather 0:02

Hello friends and welcome back to the Free Advantage. I'm your host, Heather Davis, and I want to invite you into a new season of real stories, real recovery, and real freedom. This show has always been about self-discovery, authenticity, and recovering a life of freedom. And this year, we are taking that journey together in a deeper way. You're gonna hear raw, honest conversations with people walking this path in real time. Stories of growth, healing, purpose, and becoming whole. You'll also hear from me as I reflect on these themes that rise from the stories, answer your questions, and offer small, meaningful takeaways that you can carry back into your week. This is not just a podcast you listen to, it's a place you belong where you are part of the conversation. Welcome back, everybody. I'm your host, Heather Davis. Thank you guys for coming back and listening in. Today I am going over part three of my story. If you have been joining me, you have been on a little bit of a ride. I have been going over my personal life story for the past two weeks and will continue to do so through the end of the month. So I'm glad that you were joining me. I appreciate you guys coming and listening in and letting me share and be super vulnerable. Um if you had come in last week, we had left off where I had just given birth and given my second son up for adoption. So pull up a seat, grab yourself something to drink and hang on because it only gets crazier from here. Um yes, so if you had joined me in last week, I had just left off where I had just was coming home from giving birth to my second son and giving him up for adoption. We had done an open adoption, so I knew that I would still be able to see him, but it doesn't really matter. Like it it didn't matter how I felt or how I reacted or or the things that I was experiencing because it he he literally might as well have have died. I I I there is there is no describing that feeling. There's no describing the feeling of how I felt. Um I know last week I said that I felt like I wanted to evaporate, and that feeling did not go away. It was with me for a very long time. And it was difficult because coming home, I was, I was ill, I was um recovering from surgery, I let alone like all the physical things that were going on in my body, I had all of these mental and emotional things I'm having to deal with. And it was a very difficult process to move through. And even looking back now, I still am unsure how I did it. But it was definitely just taking like one moment at a time. And in those first like couple of weeks, life got really crazy for me. Um, my great-grandmother had passed away. My best friend at the time was getting married, and I was supposed to be her maid of honor. And that was literally like two weeks away or three weeks away from the time that I was had just had surgery and come home. So I was looking forward to all of these things and really, really looking forward to the wedding and and being able to see her and get out of get get out of Georgia. I I needed to get away from where I was because it was I was so just overcome by the weight of what had just happened to me that I just needed out. I just needed to get out of there. And then then hearing uh the news of my great-grandmother passing away, it was just like it was all just too much. It was just too much. And um I remember going in and talking to my dad about needing to go to the funeral and then like, yeah, and I always already have this wedding plan, but um he at the time had had made it very clear that I was not going. That was not happening. And and you would think that that would be for like the care of my body and recovery and the things that had gone on, but unfortunately at the time, it was more because him and his wife at the time had had this plan for me. And that plan was to get me well out, you know, enough that I could get back out in the world and that I could work and that I could make money so I could eventually move out of their house. Because at the time I was just, I guess for them, I was just too much of a burden. And, you know, I'm living in their home, I'm taking up space, I have a toddler who lives with me, I'm pregnant, I'm giving birth, and you know, and now I'm having I'm giving him up for adoption, and there's a lot going on, and and it was just a lot for them, and they really honestly didn't want that. They didn't want it in their home, and they were really trying to push me um to like do what I needed to do and get out. And it was that was really um it was news to me at the time that that was their plan for me was to quickly like get me back on my feet as fast as possible. There was no there was no thought for recovery of any sort. No thought for recovery for my physical body, for my emotional well-being, for my mental stability. That was just not something that was discussed. It was honestly back then, it was not things that people talked about. It we didn't talk about any of that kind of stuff. Like now we live in a world where there's a lot of focus on our mental mental stability and our emotional well-being and and and really living as a whole human and and and keeping ourselves together. And that there was none of that back then. It was just like, well, this happened. Get up and go do what you gotta do. And I I was in a place where that was just not possible. It was not possible. I couldn't do it. The I I the thought of having to just get back up and go straight back to work without even being, you know, recovered from surgery. This is my second cesarean, and it's followed an emergency cesarean, and then I had such a traumatic experience with this surgery, um, and then kind of come home from that, and then, you know, it's six to eight weeks to recover from a cesarean. And they're like, as soon as you can get up and walk around, you need to be getting back to work. And I'm just thinking, like, I how am I gonna work? I can't even, I can't even pick up my toddler anymore. I it it was just, it was so, it was very devastating. I think I I don't know how much more devastation or disappointment that I could really handle at that time. And though they did not want me to go, um, I ended up going. My other grandmother had called and she was like, they're not gonna send you, they're not gonna help you get here. She did help me. She helped me um make arrangements, she she helped me get a flight and do all of the things in order for me to be able to go. And I went and I went, even despite their um their their complete like adversity to me doing that. But I went and thank God I I it was such a a time that I needed to just be able to breathe. To just breathe. I remember like like touching down in back in Texas and just thinking, oh, I'm home. I'm home. And I and I felt so far away from all of that mess. And and like as soon as I got back, I was just like, um like I'm not going back. I think being so young, I was just like, there's no, I'm not going back there. I'm here now and they can't they can't make me. And the the days that followed, we went to the funeral and and then I um was able to go and spend time with my best friend until sh until her wedding and spend some time with my other family here in Texas. And it was it was really, really, really cathartic. I also was still not quite well recovering from surgery, and um it was hard. I also not just recovering from surgery, but um, I had during my pregnancy, I had caught a virus and it's called it's called parvovirus. And just for you out there, it is not the same thing as dogs. There will be some of you who know what it is, there'll be some of you who don't, but it's not the same thing as dogs, but it is the it's a human parvovirus, and it's basically a childhood virus that kids get when they're little, like really little, and it's called Fifth Disease, like slap cheek syndrome is what they call it. You literally get like a little rash on your face, and then you get like a runny nose, and it kind of runs its course within a week. And when you're a kid and you get it, it's kind of like chicken pox. Once you get it, you don't get it again. But I have whatever I've well, I don't have it. So whatever I lack is whatever enzyme or protein that keeps you from being able to be immune to it. I don't have that. So I'm able to catch it as an adult. And when you do catch it as an adult, it causes a whole slew of problems. Just like if you get chicken pox as an adult, it can be very dangerous. And I didn't, at the time I did not realize how dangerous it could be for me, but it had it, it's just just like a virus, so it runs its course. So I was still, I was trying to go through that process and it had made me extremely anemic during the time. So I was extremely tired on top of trying to recover from surgery and all of these other things. I'm also recovering from this virus. And at the time it was just like, it's just kind of whatever. It's like, oh, it's just a thing, it'll go away. So there wasn't a lot of focus on what that was. Um, later on in the story, you'll hear how that actually affected me much greater later on. If you come back for part four, you'll hear about all that. But at the time I'm going through a lot and then I'm I'm traveling around. I'm I'm, you know, going with my friend to like pick out, or not pick out, but pick up my uh bridesmaid's dress that I am barely squeezing into after surgery and um and having given birth. But I I was excited to be home and to be with my other people. And they even felt so far removed from my situation that that that it it's like I could live in another world. And so when I did get home, I was like, Yeah, I'm not going back. I don't know how I'm not going back, but I'm not. I was like, I'm gonna go move in with my mom, and she lives in San Antonio uh with her boyfriend at the time, and I'm like, when I get there, I'm never leaving. But so I was definitely in a in kind of a a like strong, like headstrong space where I was like very like, no, I was it was even downright rebellious that I was just it's not happening, I'm not going back. But the wedding came and gone, and I it was a wonderful time being able to be there for her and to be present and to um be able to walk the aisles and and see her get married and have an experience that I never did, right? It her and I are the same age, so she's going through a lot of the motions of the life that I thought I was gonna live. Um and uh but it was I it was really I was really happy to be able to be a part of that. And after the wedding, they she went on her honeymoon, of course, and I went to San Antonio to spend some time with my mom. And during that time, I was like just I was just really just kind of just there. Just I was really just there. That trying they were trying to you know keep me happy, keep me upbeat, but there's only so much smiling that you can do. There's only so much smiling you can do where you're not just sitting there and the inside of you is just literally dying, just slowly dying inside. And that's how it constantly felt. Like it's like I can feel myself deteriorating, deteriorating inside while everybody else is just kind of living their life and nobody nobody sees it. Nobody it's it feels like nobody cares because nobody is paying attention to it. It it's kind of like if I had like cut my arm off and I'm bleeding everywhere, and everybody just walks around pretending like they don't see it, and that is how I felt 100% of the time. Everybody's just going about living their lives like nothing has happened, and I'm literally over here suffocating. And though I was very happy to be home with my mom and to see my other family, it did not make those feelings go away. And it made my my uh my reaction to this next bit of information that much worse. While I was at my mom's, my dad had called and he wanted to talk to me about some paperwork that had been sent to the house. And this was a huge shock to me, and it flipped my whole world upside down. My dad said that I had been served paperwork to legitimate the baby by the baby's father, and I was just I I I don't really think I could understand what that even meant. And then my dad had to explain what the paperwork was saying, and that basically his father had gone to the courthouse and filed paperwork and had me served so he could prove that he was the baby's father. And I guess I I don't know what really all transpired or how what happened. I I guess he was looking for me, he was looking for the baby at this point, um, unbeknownst to me. He he I guess had thought that like I was gonna call him when I gave birth and let him know, but I I didn't. Like you're nowhere, you have not been a part, you disappeared on me, so I just did what I do. I I carried this baby, and then when it was time I went to the hospital and had him. Like I I don't know, I don't know how much more people want from you when you walk out of their life and you walk away, and then you just disappear. And then somehow I later on I'm being made to feel like I've done something wrong. And my dad was like, You have to come home. And you have to come home early. He wanted me to come home early from when I was supposed to be coming home because I had to deal with this, and I was like, I'm not coming home, I'm not, I'm not doing that. And and then the fight, and then the fight ensued, not only between my dad and I, but then my mom and I. And I was like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I was defiant, I'm not doing it, I'm not going back. They can take care of whatever. I'm done. Like I gave the baby up for adoption. Like, how does this even have anything to do with me anymore? And um, you know, I fought the whole way home. I fought the whole way home. I fought kicking and screaming, literally kicking and screaming, as my mom drug me to the airport and put me on that plane. And I ended up making my way back to Georgia. And the next few months that came were some of the I mean, I've I've been through a lot, but these were some of the most difficult months of my life. So I ended up when I got home, I had to call, I had to call the baby's father. And I was like, I was like, he better answer because I'm like, we're I'm gonna we're getting into it. I'm gonna have this conversation. And then I called him and I'm like, what are you doing? I got this paperwork from you, and he was like, he had literally told me, he was like, Well, I've been waiting for you to call me, you know, and you had the baby and you didn't tell me, and I want to see the baby, and I want, you know, I'm his father. And I was like, I don't have the baby.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

I gave him up for adoption.

Legal Maze And A Guardian’s Clarity;

Father Wins, Custody Returns To Me;

Signing Rights Away Again;

A Final Goodbye At Four Months;

Coercion, Blackmail, And Boundaries;

Pushed Back To Work And A Night Out;

Heather 16:36

And he was just blown away. He could not believe that that had happened, and he was like, Well, you can't do that because I'm the father, and I'm like, You're I yeah, I can. Like, you're not on the birth certificate, you're not there. And he so he was like, Okay, so then he I was like, Let's meet. I wanted to meet and have a conversation with him because I'm trying to explain to him why this is the best decision for the baby, because he's getting really ramped up and he was like, Well, I'm gonna go to court and I'm gonna fight this adoptive couple, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, no, we're not doing that. And so we he met me for dinner and I took, I had a huge binder, I had an adoption binder of this this couple's life and all of these things about them, and and so I wanted to share that with him. So I took it and we had a discussion, and I he took it and he looked at it and he was just like, I don't care. He's like, I'm going to do this. And at that point, there was literally nothing else I could do. It was completely out of my hands, at least so I thought. And so the next few months, um, he took the adoptive couple to court. He fought them in court for four months, and I got drugged in and out of court. I had the adoptive couple writing me hate mail and getting that in the mail, telling me what a horrible human being I was, and that I, you know, I'm what I've done to them, and like just calling me a liar. And I mean, they were literally writing me death threats, and my dad said at the time that he was intercepting those for me, so I didn't know. And I found out about those actually later. Thank God I wasn't reading those then. But I was drug drugged through court. I had lawyers, the the dad was trying to take the baby away from the adoptive couple, and then the adoptive couple is trying to fight to keep the baby, and you know, all of these parties, and they're basically bringing me in, asking me all these questions. They're having me asking me questions about the dad. They're asking me questions about the adoptive couple, the adoptive couple's lawyers trying to get me to lie about the father and and and say that he was on drugs and doing all of these things, and I'm just like, I'm not doing that. He smoked a little bit of weed. I'm like, you're not, and I'm not gonna lie and say he's a drug addict, and I'm not gonna lie about something that he isn't. Is he a good man? Did he leave me? Did he abandon me? Did he abandon me in my time of need? Did he abandon me and his child? Yes. Yes, he did do those things. Is he a terrible human being? No. Is he a drug addict? No, I'm not gonna lie about these things. And I was being like pulled in all these directions to try to, you know, to get people to have their way on both sides, on both sides. And I remember being in the courtroom with everybody, and they were arguing, and like we're just waiting to be called up to do these things, and they start getting into an argument, and then they're all looking at me, trying to pull me back and forth, and I was like, I can't do this. I can't do it. I got up, I walked out, and I'm like, I don't have to be here. This I did I don't and I didn't have to be there, and that's the truth. Like, I had already signed my rights over to the adoptive couple, I didn't have to be there. They were requesting me there and doing all these things, so I did and I did the best that I possibly could. And the baby had been um given a guardian at Lightham. So this is the person who is always looking out for the best interest of the child and is a non-biased party. And I remember when I went in and they had spoken with me the the the biggest bit of hope. The biggest bit of hope that I could that g that gave me was was her looking at me and going, out of all of the people involved in this, you're the only person who has the best interest of the child at heart. Like you're the only one who is not thinking about themselves in this situation. And that made me feel a little better about my choices. It made me feel a little better about just walking away from the fighting and the arguing. And it was a mess. The the the trial was a mess. Um if you'd been listening in, you know that my my my my husband, my what to my first son had left me, right? Well, in the meantime, we are not divorced because I don't know where he's at. He didn't divorce me. I was never served papers, I don't know where he's at, I can't find him. And so when you're actually still legally married and you give birth, the birth father is considered the person you're married to, whether that's the father or not. And so there were people trying to find and hunt him down to get him to sign off that this wasn't his child. So the other father could literally legitimate the baby. And like they have blood work saying, Yes, you are the father, but this other person still had to do it. It was just the wildest thing. I I didn't I and of course I'm a child. I was 21. I have I don't know what any of that means at the time. And it was just wild. And um, they did find. Him, some some lawyer somewhere found him, and he, of course, signed the papers or whatever. But what's crazy about that is that though they know where he was, they weren't allowed to tell me where he was. So here I am, still not knowing, and I'm still married, and I still don't know where he's at. And then I'm going through this with the other father, and it was just, it was just it, it was just the it was the worst nightmare of my life. I I tell it now, and I feel like I I can feel myself like the mixture of emotions that I feel. Like the I still feel very angry about a lot of things in that time. I feel still feel a lot of disbelief. I think more disbelief than I do anger, but that that and and then the the grief that still comes over me about it. It it it is such a wild thing that happened, and it went on, like I said, for four months and eventually it came to an end. And when it did, the father won. And the adoptive couple lost the baby. Now in the state of Georgia, when you are a mother and you give up your baby for adoption and you're not like married to the father, you when the when the father won, custody does not go to him. In the state of Georgia, custody went back to me. I was like, I don't I don't know what that means. So basically, the adoptive couple lost the baby. He wins the custody battle with the adoptive couple, but now he has to take me to court and fight for custody of the baby from me because they prefer the mother, so the the child came back to me. Now, the adoptive couple still has the baby for now, and there's gonna be like another like parking lot transfer of this poor child, and I'm somehow now in the middle of it, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, like I have already given this child up for adoption once. I've already signed my rights over once, and now they're making me do it again. Not once, but twice. And then I'm still in this same position. It I'm like, how am I having to do this again? And I didn't take the baby back. I I I called the lawyer and I said, no, I will sign my rights over to his father because I thought, well, if he takes him and he's got custody of him, then we could do joint custody and things like that. But then the father started requesting child support. So if the father had custody, I had to legally pay child support as long as I still had rights, and I was in zero position to do that, or to put myself in a position where I couldn't pay and then end up in jail. So I I had the lawyer come and I I signed I in my he was in my living room and I signed my rights over to his father. I signed them over for the second time. My situation was no different four months later than it had been before. No different than the day that I gave birth. I do not have work, I do not have a place to live, I am incapable of taking care of myself and my my oldest son, and there there's no way I could take care of another baby. And it would have been a horrible situation for all of us. So I had made my decision originally for those reasons and for the right reasons, and they didn't change. After that happened, he got he got possession, like physical possession of the baby, and he had decided that he was going to leave and he was going to move back up north to where his family was and that they would help him take care of the baby. Because now he's just a single dad who has no idea what to do with the baby. And before they left, he wanted to come to the house so I could see him and see the baby. And I let him um I let him because I wanted I wanted to see my son. I wanted to see my son. He was four months old, and they came over, they spent a couple of hours, I got to hold him, I got to see him, and we took some pictures, and and then they left, and that's when I said goodbye like again for the second time. And that was the last time that I saw him. Mind you, going into this, I had gone into it with an open adoption so I could still be a part of his life, so I could still see him and be there for him for a lot of things, even though I could not physically care for him. And when all of this happened, it took all of that away. And then I wasn't able to see him at all. And it was very difficult because what happened over the next like I don't know, 15 years was that his dad used him as his blackmail against me. And the the thing was is that after the baby was born, his dad still wanted to be with me. He was like, let's get married, let's do these things, let's be together, let's, you know, we'll move up north and we'll take care of the kids. And I and I I I couldn't do that. I could not do that for me, I couldn't do that for Austin, and I could not do that for my son, my my other little little baby. I couldn't do it. I don't love your dad. I didn't love his dad. He didn't love me, he left me. He left me, and he caused one of the most tumultuous times in my entire life by his decisions and and my decisions too. It was not just him alone, but he was a part of that. And then all of these other things happened, and there's like, I can't be with someone like that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is like that. And I did speak to him over the years, like a few times over the years, and of course he was mad at me because I wouldn't. And he held on to that for a long time. Like, come be with me. You know, if you come with me, then you'll be able to see him, you'll be able to be with him. And he he held him from me in hopes that I would somehow at some point make the decision to come be with him. And that never happened. It never happened.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Excuse me.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

And so life went on.

Roses From A Stranger;

A Job In Hair And A Forced Exit;

Moving Out, Panic Closing In;

Tax Refund Escape To Texas;

A Friend’s Home Turns Unsafe;

Landing Low-Income Housing;

Functional Life, Inner Spiral;

Meeting The Reformed Inmate;

Pregnant Again And A Quick Marriage;

Instability And Financial Collapse;

Planned Birth, Unexpected Trauma;

Pain Mismanagement And Panic;

Heather 29:50

Life went on. You know, my dad had wanted me to go back to work and to get, you know, busy doing life. And during the whole events of the the the trial, I think I got lucky in that way. And somehow, like it spared me from having to go to work. Like they were more focused on on the the trial and getting that over with and figuring out what was going to happen with all of that, that they weren't as focused on me getting a job. But as soon as that was over, as soon as that was over, as soon as it came to an end, immediately it was like a few things happened. First off, you need to get a job, you need to go to work. And they wanted me out of this house. So it was probably a week after, it was probably a week after the the dad and the baby had left to go back up north, and I had had that whole situation happen. And then my dad and and my stepmom at the time were like, you know what? Let's get you out of here. Let's go take you to have a good time. So they got me all dressed up. They're like, get dressed up, we're gonna go out. So we got dressed up and they took me to this dance club. Now my stepmom was a dancer, so us going to a club was was a what I guess was a normal thing. So we went to this dance club and they were dancing, and and it was just it was a weird situation. I'm at an older like dance club. There's not a lot of young people there. Um, and I'm with my dad and my stepmom, and they're dancing, and I'm just kind of there, like I'm just standing around because I I I'm not with anybody, I'm not with friends, I don't have anybody to dance with. And they found this older guy and they kept bringing him over and they're like introducing me and they're like, hey, you know, all this stuff. And I'm like, this guy is old, like he's like my dad's age. And I was like, I don't want to have anything to do with this guy. And they're like, well, y'all should go out and dance. And then he kept asking me to dance, and I was like, okay. So like we danced a couple of times, and I was like, I cannot do this. I I wasn't feeling well, but mind you, it's been four months, but I'm still not well physically. And excuse me. And I was like, I just need a break. So I I remember telling them I need to go to the bathroom. And I went up front and I'm was, I was really hot, and I'm standing there, and this guy comes up to me and he's young. And he was like, Are you okay? And I must have looked like I wasn't okay. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just really hot. I'm not feeling well. And he was like, Why don't you come stand over here under the vent? So he kind of leads me to the vent and I'm standing over all the cool air is and I was like, Thank you so much. I'm like, I'm just, I'm just having a really bad night. And he was like, Well, what's going on? And I was like, Well, I'm here with my family, and they're literally trying to pawn me off on this old guy. And I said, I I don't want to go back over there. I don't want to have anything to do with this guy. And he's like, Well, you can just hang out here and talk to me then. And, you know, I was like, okay. I mean, because he was in his 20s, so I was like, that's way better than than talking to some guy who's my dad's age. And he wasn't just some random person who was there. He actually worked there. He was a bad he was the bouncer at the door. So it made me feel a little safe that he wasn't just some crazy guy, you know, trying to hit on me or something. But he's he stayed there and he kept checking on me back and forth and making sure I was okay. And I kind of had told him a little bit of my story and what had happened. And, you know, he was just, you know, he kept apologizing. And of course, I mean, what did he have to be sorry for? But but he was empathetic and and that really that really felt good because at the time, like this random guy at this weird club I'm at was the first time I felt anybody really being empathetic towards me. Um so it was nice. It was nice. Um, eventually I went back and hung out, and this guy's still there hanging out with my parents, waiting for me, and and it's and it's late and it's getting time to go. And as we're walking out the door, like he's with me. He keeps walking beside me, and it's just kind of a funny story. Um, so he's walking, and we're walking out. And back then in the 90s or in the 2000s, they when you were at a club, they used to have flower girls, and they would have these women who walked around with little baskets and had roses in them, and they would like, hey, would you like to buy a rose for the lady? And you know, so the rose lady had come up to this guy, this older guy, and was like, Hey, would you like to buy a rose for the lady? And he was like, No, I'm good. So he didn't want to buy me any rose. And they're like five bucks. But he was like, No. And so I was like, Okay. And then we're leaving and walking out the out the door. And the guy I'd been talking to, the younger guy, he's the bouncer there. And he was like, Hey, bye. You like have a nice night. And he had seen apparently the interaction with the with the rose lady and the older guy. And I just kind of rolled my eyes and I was like, and uh, we were walking across the parking lot, and the guy, like, so I'm walking with my parents and they start veering to over here towards the car, and like they leave me here with this guy, and they're like, Hey, if you want to like go home, just give us a call. And I'm like, I'm not going home with this guy. Like, I'm like, are y'all seriously trying to just like push me onto this guy? Like, is it because he's older? Does he have money? Or is this like what you're trying to do to me? Like, was this a like in my mind? Like, again, is this a setup? Did you know that he was here? Do you know this guy? Like, I don't want to have anything to do with him. And so as we're walking out, the rose lady starts running across the parking lot and she's like, Hey, ma'am, wait, wait. And I'm like, We we think she's talking to somebody else. And then she like catches up and she's like, Hey, she's she hands me all of the roses that are left in this basket. And there, there literally is more than a dozen roses, and she was like, Here, these are for you. And I just kind of looked up and he was like, It wasn't for me. And she goes, It was the guy at the door. She goes, The guy at the door bought all the roses for you. And and she handed them to me. And then she handed me this piece of paper and it had his name and his phone number. And it, and I just looked up and I was like, looked at the other guy and I was like, have a nice night. And then I ran across the parking lot to where my parents were, and we got in the car and left. Um, weird story, but it was kind of funny. I was like, okay. So of course, when I got home, though it was late, um, I called him. I called the guy and um and we made quick friends and we started dating. Um, of course, because that's what I do, right? Like I I jump out of one situation and right into another. Um, but it it it's that same thing, right? It's looking for somebody who's who and it's not just love, it's somebody who shows you any care or thought and and and the empathy because it's not I wasn't getting that anywhere, and I needed support somehow. And I was gonna find it wherever I could. And he was a good guy and he was really nice and he loved Austin and we spent a lot of time together, but we had been dating for about two weeks before my dad and my stepmom had come to him and was like, Hey, you want to move in? And they kind of asked him to move in behind my back. And I he was like, Yeah, they they said that I could move in and stay here. And I'm thinking, Where are you gonna stay? I sleep on a twin mattress. I'm on a twin mattress and I'm in an itty bitty room, and Austin sleeps on this little baby mattress on the floor. So I'm thinking, where are you gonna stay? So he moves in, and then him and I are sharing this twin-size mattress, and but but I realized as soon as he moved in, they were like, Hey, you guys need to get get a place to live. And then they started immediately pushing us to get out. And I was like, Okay, okay. Now, in the meantime, between the time that I had met him and a little bit before a little bit before I had met him, I had like that in those four months, I hadn't been working, and they were trying to push me to get a job. And right around the time that we we were right before we went to the club, um, I had been, my my stepmom had gone and got her hair done at her hair salon, and she goes, Hey, she goes, I talked to the owner there, and he says that he is interested in hiring a shampoo girl if you're interested in that, because I like hair. And so I was like, okay, so I had gone up there and talked to him and he hired me. So I'm barely in this job for like a week or so before we go to the club. So now I'm working this job at a hair salon. They've got me a job, right? And now they've got me a boyfriend, and now they're gonna find me a place to live. So, like their plan, it's going off without a hitch. Like things are going well for them. And life is happening kind of all like around me, is how I felt. It was, it wasn't like I didn't feel like I was literally making my own decisions at that point. Um, like I got a job, but she chose this job and made me go apply. Like, I went to the club and like obviously I didn't choose the old guy. The only choice I felt like was mine was that I chose this young guy, but it was kind of like I wasn't walking out of there without a man. Like, that's that's kind of how it felt. And I didn't, and now he's living in our home and they're pushing us to find our own place. It was just a wild time. I think now I'm just like it was wild. It was really a wild thing. And um, I started working at the hair salon and I really, really, really loved this job. I, if some of you know me, but I am a licensed hairdresser. I, you know, my mom used to say, she's like, you came out of the womb with a curling iron. I've been doing hair since I was very little. It's always been my goal. It was my dream to be a hairdresser. I always wanted to be um a performing artist hairdresser on stage, um, which I did not get to do, but I I do love doing hair. So when I got the job at the hair salon, I saw this as maybe an opportunity to really start reaching for my dream. And the owner fell in love with me. It was an Italian family that owned this salon. They were huge, they were very tight-knit family, and they just kind of really took me in as their own. And he started working with me as an apprentice. And in Georgia, you can actually get your hair license under a license hairdresser if you're apprenticing. So I was working and working towards getting my license, and I was so thrilled about that opportunity. So, in in some ways, like that's turned out to be a really good opportunity for me, moving me in a direction I thought I was I was going. And then I had this guy, and and I really, really liked him. He was nice, he was a good kid, and you know, he loved me. And so I was like, okay, this is what we're gonna do. And I worked at the I worked at the salon for a year. It was almost almost a complete year. I started well, almost a year, I say. I worked there from February, March, April, May, June, from well, until Christmas. So like June ish till Christmas. Um and because they had moved my boyfriend in at the time, they were making, they were wanting us to get out, but we didn't have the money to move out, didn't have the money for an apartment, didn't have the money for deposits and things like that. There was there was no way, and I'm paying for daycare. And when I'm working and I'm paying for daycare, you're paying like$800 a month. I this pretty much on minimum wage was my whole paycheck. So I'm literally just paying to send my kid to daycare so I can go to work. And then maybe having like a couple of hundred dollars after that to like buy my food. So because it time they did we didn't get out in like a timely manner in which they wanted to, my dad started pushing me to quit my job. He's like, you need a job that makes more money. And you know,$7.25 an hour isn't gonna cut it. And so I was like, okay, well, I I don't want to quit. I'm not just going to work. I'm working towards my hair license. And when it finally came down to it, they they made me, they made me quit. And um I remember having to uh go to work and let my boss know that I was leaving and he was very upset with me. Um, it ruined our relationship. Um, he he took it as a straight disrespect and offense of their full-blooded Italians, and he had taken me in like it was just like I was cutting off a part of his family, and so I lost that relationship, but I did find a job for$12 an hour that did eventually help me get out of my dad's home. And uh, you know, and I guess in some ways that's good. It's what he wanted, and it's what I did. And uh uh after I had made a little bit of money um at this new job, I moved out. Uh my boyfriend and Austin and I moved out into our own apartment in February. It was right before my birthday. We moved out, and we were we were there until Easter. And I once I moved out and I wasn't in my dad's home anymore. The I I don't know what really took over me. I started having severe panic attacks. I was already having panic attacks, but I started having severe debilitating panic attacks where I couldn't go to work. I couldn't go to work, I couldn't, I couldn't barely function anymore. And I it was I was mad crazy. I was I was not mentally well, I was not emotionally well. I was destroying this guy I was with. He was such a good guy, but I was in no space to be with somebody. No space. I have not had a moment to breathe or to heal from anything that I had walked through. And now I'm introducing another person into that mess, and it was a nightmare for me, and I know it. It was a nightmare for him. And I finally got to this place where like I I can't, I can't, I can't, I cannot do this anymore. And my grandmother, my mama, that's my mom's mother, she was my only true guiding light during any of this. She's the only person that was there for me and in support of any kind. She was always praying for me. She was always trying to focus me on God and that He was going to take care of me. But she was very far away in Texas and I felt so far removed. And I'm like, I just need to be by her. I kept thinking I just need to be by her. And um, you know, all of the little things that happen when you're a kid, like you don't really know about certain things like taxes. So when I had learned about taxes, because I wasn't taught about taxes growing up, I had been working for a little while. And so I had um actually I had been working for a little while, even like back a couple of years back when I was doing some hosting, hostessing work and stuff. I had never filed taxes. Here I am. I'm like, at this point, I'm 21 years old. I've been working since I was 19, and I've never filed taxes. So when I found out that that's something I needed to do, I found a lady, I think it was like Jackson and Hewitt or something, and I went and they filed my back taxes for the years that I had been working. And because I'm a single mom, I also get what is earned income credit. So I had like a child tax credit, and I got back like$12,000. And to me, in 2001,$12,000 was like a lot. I mean, I mean,$12,000 is a lot of money right now. But it was like, I had never seen that kind of money. I had like, I had never had that kind of money in my hands. And as soon as I got that, I was like, my brain went into plan mode. I was like, I'm out. I mean, like, I got cash in my hand and I don't have to stay here and nobody can hold me here. And I, I, I broke up with my boyfriend and I literally signed over the apartment to him so he could have it. I made plans with my best friend in Texas, and that her and her husband were gonna come and help me move my stuff there, and that I was gonna stay with him until I could find a place to live. And I went and let my dad know it was like I'm moving. I'm moving. Austin at this time is just turn four, or was fixing a turn four because I moved on Mother's Day weekend in 2001 back home to Texas. I was, I was like, I got I and the thing is I was still suffering from anxiety so bad, I was unsure how I was even gonna make the drive. And her and her husband came and they packed my stuff up in a U-Haul, they trailered my car, and I rode back with her. Excuse me, I rode back with her. Austin and I rode in her car with her. So I'm not even driving, but I was a mess. And when I finally got back to Texas, I was like, okay, I'm free. I'm free from all of this stuff. Like, I'm walking away from that like it never happened, and I'm just gonna move forward with my life. And things really started kind of like in my mind, feeling better because I'm walking away from this situation. I'm not in this, this, this, these weird job that I didn't want to be in just because I was making more money. And I I'm away from that part of my life, that that whole world where everything happened is it's over there now, and I don't have to think about it. And I'm staying with her, and then I'm like literally four nights in with her, and I start having issues with her husband. And I'm like, how is this happening to me? How is this happening to me? I remember uh it was early in the morning, probably 5 30 in the morning, five, five thirty in the morning, and I'm dead asleep in the bed with my son, and I'm awoken by a man naked standing in my room trying to get in the bed with me. And I look up and it's her husband. And I am like, oh my God. I immediately started screaming and yelling, and he jumps up, runs out of there. I'm screaming, she's she jumps up, we're all in the living room screaming, and I'm like, what is going on? What are you doing? It turns into this whole thing. He's like, I he's trying to make all of these excuses, and then I I don't know what to do. I'm like, you're gonna have to deal with this. And I go back to the room and shut the door, and he ends up leaving for work and she's like, I'm sorry. Like she's just apologizing. She's like, I don't know, you know, because he drinks, so maybe he was still like hung over. I don't know what the deal was. The thing is, it's like two days later, it happened again. And I'm like, I can't be here. I can't be here. I don't know what it was then when I learned that they were not doing well, he was a severe alcoholic going through his own problems and they had their own struggles. These, and because I'm living my own life out here, I had no idea what was going on in her life. Like, I mean, obviously not even, I couldn't be a friend. I could barely be a person, let alone be a friend to somebody else. So I didn't know. And and so I'm like, well, I can't be here. And I went and I stayed at her mom's house um until I could find my own place to live. And they let me sleep on the couch, um, Austin and I on their pullout couch while we while we figured it out. And I was at that point, I was literally sitting on the couch reading my Bible, praying one morning, and just I was in so much just grief and disbelief at where I was at and what was going on in my life. And I was begging God, I'm like, please, I need something. I need something because I'm like, if I can't make this work, I'm gonna have to go back to Georgia. And I had applied for this um low-income housing. It was this uh, but it turned out it was a really nice apartment and it was in a really nice neighborhood here in Houston area, and I I was like, the waiting list was like four years, and I was like, there's no way I'm getting on it. And by literally the grace of God, they called me and they had a space open and they let me take it. I was literally paying$97 a month for my rent. And I paid$20 for a phone and my electricity was covered. There's no better situation than that for me. There was no better situation than that for me. Not even a little. I'm thinking I got my own place, I got my own home, I have I'm moving, I can put my stuff. All of a sudden I have a place to be. We have a place to be. And I'm thinking, yeah, like freedom, finally. And I was I was lucky because I was it was really close to my grandmother, and it was really close to my uncle Brian, uh, who who we live with now. So if y'all hear me talking about my uncle, it's my uncle Brian, and and it's I'm very excited to be able to be able to spend the time that I do now because we spent a lot of time together during that time. He had um had his own trials in his life and he had gone to prison. Um, he was a first-time offender and he had his own story, which if um he's willing, I would love to have him on and be a guest. But um he had come home, he had just come home from prison, and and when I moved back, he was just coming home and I was just coming home. And I was, I mean, when he when he had gone in, I was a teenager and it was it devastated our family. It devastated our family. So for him to be home and for me to be able to have this time with him was like it was a miracle for me. And that we got to spend time getting to know each other and and growing and sharing with one another was a really wonderful thing. And so now I'm in my own apartment. Um, I have him there, I'm having my grandmother there, and I'm away from everybody else. I'm away from this weird like guy my best friend's married to. I'm I'm away from the the the crazy nightmare of my past that I'm just trying to pretend doesn't exist. And I had gotten a job at a daycare where I was working, and I was doing really, really well. I had made some friends, and I I was I was doing really good as far as like you know, logistics, like life logistics. I had a car, I had a job, I had a house, I was making money, I could afford my bills. So it looked like freedom was just on the horizon for me. But every night that I was I was coming home, I was laying in bed scared to death. I my anxiety and my panic attacks had had they were consuming every thought I had. And if it wasn't for my job, I working really is what kept my mind focused on something else. So it helped me, it helped me to like to separate it and relieve it. But the minute I came home, I was just living in this constant state of anxiety. I remember having to go spend lots of time with my mom all on the weekends and being like, you know, she hated the fact that I was like so anxious all the time. And she was like, you just need to, you just need to get over that. You just need to stop being that way, and and life is gonna be all right, and not and her not even realizing like that you that's not how that works. She had never really ever experienced anxiety before or depression. So she's like, I don't like this isn't a thing, you know. She's like, when I when I get down, I just get over it. And I'm like, man, if I could just get over this, I would like, man. I would. Um, and but I didn't. It it it it was a it was a anxiety for me has been a lifelong process ever since, you know, everything happened and it started occurring. It just it's something that stayed with me for the rest of my life. And that time in my life, it was I was at the height, I was at the height of it. And I was lonely. Like I was not used to ever being alone and living alone. I've always had somebody else in the home with me, whether it was um my husband or a boyfriend or my parents, or it there was always somebody there. So now I'm just me by myself and I'm alone there. And in Austin, right? And being young and single and alone, I was I'm not one of those women who are prone to like, oh, I can make it for myself. I'm good, like I'm not scared, I'm not like I was not like that. I was terrified. I was worried that somebody was gonna break in and kill me every single night. I I I I was like, how am I gonna protect my son if something happens? I've always been more prone to those types of of feelings and emotions and so and that way of thinking, and it was very difficult time, even though everything else was seemingly going really, really well. Because internally, like nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. I haven't healed, I haven't worked through anything, I'm not better. Life looks better, but I'm not better. In fact, I'm still slowly getting worse. And of course, if you do not know the theme by now, when I get back into this space, the next thing I'm gonna start doing is looking for somebody else. Because that that's where a focus can be. That another person can fill that void. And my grandmother um had wanted to introduce me to this other guy that she had like just fallen in love with. Now, this is a wild story. I they're all wild. I don't I don't know how best to else to explain it. But my uncle, when he was in prison, my grandmother would go and visit him, and when they would have visitation, she met this other inmate. And his family would come and visit at the same time, and they got to be really close friends and get to know each other. And my grandmother just fell in love with his family and fell in love with him. And I had been, I had been in Texas since that May in 2001, and then January of 02. Um, my uncle had gotten out the year before, but then this guy who was his friend um was getting out in January, and he was gonna come home and he was gonna come see my uncle and then visit my grandmother. And she was just ecstatic for me to meet him. She was like, You're gonna love him. She just thought he was so wonderful. Now, he's of course he's been reformed when he was in prison. He he went in when he was like 17 years old. He was he, you know, he messed up, made some mistakes, and he ended up in prison. But he was been in prison for a long time. He was in there for like seven, eight years. And so when he was getting out, like he's reformed, he's a Christian, you know, he follows God and he has a heart for God. So, you know, my grandma was really all about that, and she was all about him, and she really wanted me to meet him. And I did. And of course, you know, me, she's hyping it up, and I'm thinking, this is the only person like around that's really like, you know, I might be interested in that may be interested in me. So when we um when he came to the house and we met, we started talking. And my uncle was very adamant about this situation. He did not want me getting into a relationship with him, he did not want me, um, he was like, do not, he didn't want me alone with him, he didn't want me having sex with him. He he was very adamant about me being very, very careful. And that was in January, and I was very careful for about a month, but I did still see him. I still did um, like we talked on the phone, he came and visited me. Um, I went and visited him. And then um, about a month in, it only took about a month before, you know, we were like, okay, well, we're gonna be together and that's it. And we had um we had had planned this date night for Valentine's, and you know, that's all she wrote. And about three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.

SPEAKER_00 58:21

Again.

Postpartum, PTSD, And Fear;

Heather 58:28

This time I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I remember standing in the bathroom getting ready one day, and this weird, like exhausted feeling came over me. It was a very weird sensation, and I was like, whoo, if that's odd. I've the only time I've ever felt this way is when I was and I closed my eyes and I was like, when I was pregnant, and I knew. I knew then I immediately went and got a test, and sure enough, I was pregnant. Then I had to call and tell him. So now here I am. I'm about three to four weeks pregnant with uh an ex-cons baby that I'm not married to. And I have to go tell my uncle. He was not happy. He was just like, I mean, he told me, he's like, I told you, I told you, and you're like, and not now. It's like, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? And of course I was like, well, we're gonna get married because what do we do? We're we're in love. We love each other, right? I was, you know, I doubled down a lot. Like I was, you know, I wanted to make I wanted to make my choices work. I wanted to make the the things I was doing work. I wanted a good life. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to have a family, I wanted things to work out so freaking bad. And I was like in my mind, I'm just I'm not a quitter. Right. I'm not a quitter. So, you know, if it if at first it doesn't, you don't succeed, try, try, try again. That's always kind of been my motto. And and really the truth is, is like, what else am I gonna do? And and so we did, we got married. And when and when I got when we got married, I moved to where he was living, and he lived in college station at the time in Texas. So I was about an hour or two away from where I was in Houston, and so I ended up moving out there and and there I was moving away from my family yet again and into his life and into his world with his family. And it it it was okay at first. Uh we we were in no position or in no business that we have getting married. We he was he had just gotten out of prison. This man has been has spent the past seven, eight years in prison, and he has no idea what it's like to live in the free world. He has no clue what it means to be in a relationship with somebody. He has no clue what it means to be dealing with a woman who has severe emotional and mental and some physical baggage. Like he has no clue what he's walking into, and I had no clue what I was walking into. None. And in we tried we tried for a very long time to make it work. I was unhappy the majority of the time. Um he was just he he couldn't hold a job. He was very much a like, yes, he believed in God and yes, he was saved, but at the same time, he was very fanatical about that. And it became a thing where he couldn't hold down a job because he was preaching to everybody and would get fired. So I'm like, okay, well, yes, I understand that your your relationship with God and sharing that with other people is important, but so is taking care of your family. And this was the constant battle between us. The constant battle. We were evicted out of every home we lived in. I had every card that we had repoed. He pawned everything of any value that I ever had so we could eat, so we could keep lights on all of these things, and which most of the time didn't.

Evictions, Moves, And Surviving;

SPEAKER_00 1:02:16

We moved so many times I can't even tell you.

Jail, More Moves, And Church Strain;

Choosing Divorce;

Homeless While He Stabilizes;

Asking For Help And Hard Limits;

A Year Apart From My Kids;

Heather 1:03:01

We were evicted out of our home the week after I had him. So the moving and the constant struggle of being able to financially care for the family was just something that was always a problem. And it was ultimately one of the big reasons of our demise. Like it just he couldn't, he couldn't manage it. But I was pregnant and you know, we you we got along enough and I got along enough with his family, and so the pregnancy was pretty decent, and I had made some good friends at their church, and and so I was doing fairly well during this time. But leading up to the birth, I really wasn't prepared for what was coming for me. And so, of course, because I've had cesareans twice before in emergency, like I had gone in and talked to my doctor about what had happened before, like me, like my my epidural not working and me really struggling with the anesthetic. And so we had a different type of birth plan this time to that was ensured that I would never suffer from anything like that ever again. So I was excited. I was like, this is gonna be different. It felt different, things were different. But then when it came time to actually go in, it was scheduled for November 4th, early in the morning at like seven o'clock. So I had to be there by like 5:36. All of my family was there, all of my friends were there. My dad actually came in. My um, my my my best friend at the time was there. I had friends from the church, my grandmother was there, and and really the only people missing was my mom and my brother. So I had um, and and of course, his family was all there. I had a lot of a lot of what I felt of support, and people were very excited that Andrew was coming and he was gonna be here. And and it it just the whole situation around his my pregnancy with him was very different. I had a beautiful baby shower. It was there, it was a good thing. It was a really good thing, and I was very excited. And um, but then when it came time to go into surgery, I started getting really nervous and I started getting really anxious and I started having a lot of anxiety. And I tried to leave the hospital before I was in the bed and I was like, I'm I'm going home. And I I tried to get up and they had to like make me lay down and they're like, You can't get up, we're having this baby today. My dad had to come in and he talked to me, and you know, he was the one that was there with me when I had had my my my middle my middle son, and he was the one that kind of like walked through that experience with me, even though, you know, things weren't the way I wish they had been with him during that time. He was the one that was there and knew everything that had happened. And so he he came in to try to reassure me that everything's gonna be okay and you know, to try to relax as best as possible. And so, you know, they took me back and uh we had surgery, and Andrew was born, and I made the decision then that like There, I'm not having any more children. Like, this is it for me. I'm done. And I uh had a tubulation done, and I remember I was had felt so anxious during the entire surgery. And then as soon as Andrew was born and they took him out and and his dad went with him to the nursery while I was still in surgery getting the tubulation done. And I remember it was at that point I relaxed and I felt so peaceful. And I think because I was again making a decision for myself, I'm like, I'm not having any more children. Uh I I'm not, I didn't ask anybody. I was like, and the doctor was like, Are you sure this is what you want to do? And I was young, so they didn't want to do it, but because I had already had three children and because I'd already had three Caesareans, that he was willing to do it, and I'm like, do it. And I and I mean I remember just, you know, having a decent conversation with the doctor while he did it because I felt so relaxed at the time. And I remember when everything was done and they took me back to the uh the recovery room where I got to see my family and they brought Andrew to me. You know, I was like, oh, it's you know, everything's gonna be okay. I feel like everything's gonna be okay. And then I finally got put in my room. And because I had had the issue with the the pregnant or the surgery before, they gave me a spinal this time and not an epidural. So I literally could feel nothing. I was pretty much paralyzed from like the waist down, and I couldn't sit up because they were like, for 24 hours, you can't sit up because they didn't want me to get like the spinal headache and things like that. So I was flat on my back. And that kind of created a little bit of anxiety for me too, is that I couldn't sit up. And so as the night progressed, they kept talking to me about making a decision about pain medicine because um I was on an IV and then I was having a lot of anxiety about that, and because I didn't want to feel weird because anxiety and panic attacks make me feel weird. And I was really concerned about that. So I was like, no, I I'm good. I don't want it. And they were like, Well, if you if you refuse the IV medication now, once you refuse it, I can't go back. And I was like, No, it's gonna be fine. So they're like, Well, you'll be on whatever we can give you orally, and they were like, Are you sure that that's what you want to do? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm sure that's what I want to do. And um, that was a mistake. That was a really, really big mistake because the spinal wore off somewhere in the middle of the next day. And I did pretty good that next morning. I was able to sit up, go to the bathroom, and you know, move around a little bit. But by that next night, I was a wreck. I was in a severe amount of pain. Um, they came in and the medicine they were giving me wasn't working. Then they had to come in and give me a bunch of shots to try to help control it because I it got the pain got out of control. And I got way behind it instead of ahead of it, like they want you to do. And it was very, it was a very traumatic experience again. Like I've always ended up in these traumatic experiences that somehow surround my birth stories. But I it also like shot me into this weird, like severe anxiety where I started having a really bad panic attack and I could not function hardly. I was barely being able to take care of the baby in the hospital. I was just just out, I was out of it. I I could not do anything but just kind of sit and stare and try to hold myself together. And they weren't giving me anything for anxiety, they weren't giving me anything for the panic. They were just basically like, you, you really need to kind of get over this and get out of this because if you don't, they weren't gonna let me go home. And then that ensued a lot more anxiety. And I was like, okay, if I don't, if I don't like get up and get dressed, or like if you don't get up and you don't get her showered and she can't like function, then we're not gonna let her get out of here. We're not gonna send her home. And I was like, I just wanted to get out of the hospital and get home. And I was in a lot of pain and I was scared and I didn't know why I was feeling this way, and I didn't know what was going on with me. And so I remember one morning I was just like, I'm gonna just white knuckle it. And I did. I just got up and he helped um my husband at the time helped me get in the shower. I white knuckles it through all of the anxiety, put on a big smile for my doctor when he came in, pretending like I was completely fine, and then he finally discharged me. And then we were able to go home. And when we went home, I leaving the hospital, it was a whole other thing. Like as they do the same thing, they put me in a wheelchair, I'm holding the baby and I'm wheeling him out. And by the time I get to the parking lot, like I break down. I break down. And at the time they were telling me that what I was experiencing was severe postpartum, and that I was having postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression, and they they talked to me about needing to keep an eye on me and watching me. But the truth was I was having PTSD from my last birth experience and having to give my baby away and all of the things that surrounded that, and nobody talked about it, nobody brought it up. I I don't even think I was understanding what was happening to me at the time. And you know, we get home, and I I when finally, when I get home, I fall apart there. I I cannot, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. My mom had to came, she finally came and visited, and when she did, she stayed and helped me for a while. But I remember looking back on the pictures. I was just looking at pictures just the other day, excuse me, of me at that time and just look looking at me and going, Oh my god, I I was bad. It was it was really bad. I couldn't, I couldn't function. I couldn't barely feed the baby, take care of the baby. And now this is really crazy because in Texas at the time, this was during a time, like right after a time where there had been a woman who had had what they called, she had had like a bunch of children, like five children back to back. And she had like severe postpartum and had a lot of mental challenges and mental health issues. And she had thought that like trigger warning for people. I mean, this whole thing, I'll put a trigger warning on, but this story, she had she was in the news and she had said that God had told her that she had to kill her children in order for them to be saved. And so she drowned all five of her children while her husband was at work. And this was a huge national story that happened here in Houston. So, and it kind of sent everybody off on this new idea about what postpartum was and what what it could do and what it meant to have it. And during that time, postpartum meant that you were crazy and that you were a murderer and that that's what you were completely capable of. So when I got home and I got so bad with anxiety, this is what people were telling me. Like his family were telling me this. Uh, the doctors were saying stuff, the TV is telling me stuff. So I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I'm going through all of this. I have postpartum. I'm like, I'm going to kill my baby. Like that, this is what I started to believe about myself. I started to believe that I was capable of something that I had no idea that I was capable of, and that I also would not know that it was happening and that I wouldn't be aware that it was happening. And so I was mortified. I was like, oh my God, don't leave me alone. Don't leave me alone with the baby. Don't leave me alone with him. I don't want anything to happen to him. Like I was terrified, which on the heels of already having severe debilitating anxiety and panic attacks only fuels that even more. So I was just like into a I got into a place where I sat on the couch and huddled in a corner and I literally picked at my lips until they were like three times their normal size and they were just blood red. I got to where I could not eat or swallow anything anymore, that I got to a place where I was constantly vomiting up bile, ending up in the emergency room because I could not do anything. I couldn't feed him. I was breast trying to breastfeed him at the time, but because my body was going through so much hell, every time he ate, he would get sick. So then I had to finally move him to formula because I couldn't feed him that. And then the constant just sitting on the couch trying to like pray that God would keep me safe and keep my baby safe and that something bad wouldn't happen to us while they all left me alone. And they left me alone the entire time. They would all go off to work and I would just be there with him, and the other kids would be at school. And I went through this what felt like forever. Because, you know, when you're in that space, even days feel like forever. And that was, I mean, he was born on November 4th, and I dealt with that all the way until the middle of January. And I finally, at that point, went back to the doctor and was like, I need help. I cannot do this. And they put me on Zoloft at the time to try to help me, and it did help me. It helped me with my anxiety a little bit and helped me be able to function better. And and it was good. And I was probably on Zoloft for about a year before I got off of it. And but even still during that time, like it's kind of funny because you know, when you're having anxiety because of a chemical imbalance, the medication helps, but it doesn't help when it's a physiological thing happening, when it's an emotional thing happening to you. And so while it helped some things, it didn't help all things. And that whole like first year after I had given birth, not only was I dealing with all of these things, but like I'd said earlier, we had got evicted out of our apartment a week after I gave birth. So you can imagine how I can't move. I'm completely debilitated physically and emotionally. I'm ridden with anxiety, and I cannot, like now I can barely walk because I've had my third cesarean, and now we're be getting evicted. I'm having to change schools with my son. I'm having to pack up an apartment. Uh keep hitting the mic. Had to pack up my apartment, which I could not physically do. We had some strangers from our church come over and pack my entire house and go throw it in a storage unit. And then I ended up laying and sleeping and sharing a twin-size mattress after having major surgery with my husband and living in a teeny, tiny, teeny, tiny room with my pack and play that my newborn is now sleeping in, and my son is sleeping on a pallet on the floor, and we're all smashed into this tiny rip room together. And that was the majority of the first year of my situation after I had Andrew. And it was back and forth, back and forth. Then finally he found a place that he could afford to get us into, and we moved in there, and we were only in there for like two months before we got evicted again, and then we're back into his mom's house, and then it was another place, and then we're back into his mom's house until eventually my grandmother was like, Look, she was trying to help. She's like, What if we rent a house and I'll help pay for half of it, and then like we could get a bigger house and maybe she could come stay there a lot and things like that. So we ended up doing that and renting a bigger house and we stayed there. Uh, we were probably there, I don't know. Andrew turned Andrew turned one in that house, and we like right after we had moved in. So it had been almost a year. We had just moved in there, he turned a year, and literally three months later, we were evicted from that place. Now, mind you, I've lost three cars in the middle of this. We've moved multiple times back and forth. Um, and it just didn't get better. When we got into the big house, he could not hold down a job. He could not. He kept getting let go for the same reasons. Like he was trying to preach on the job, he was trying to do all these things. He was getting more and more radical as time went on, and he couldn't keep a job. We lost our light, like we lost our electricity. I don't know how many times and how many weeks that I would spend living in the dark with my kids, um, not having a vehicle, walking two miles every day to take Austin to school, and then walking and walking home with a stroller and then walking back to go pick him up and then walking home. Like this, this became my life. And then eventually he got in trouble. My husband got in trouble again and ended up in jail. Now, this this ended up in this time, it was twice. He ended up in jail twice for writing hot checks. So he had written hot checks at the grocery store and things like that. So it was it was becoming, I'm like, okay, so now like we're just going back to criminal activity. And after he had spent the second time in jail, in my mind, I was like, I'm out. Like I gotta find a way to get out of here again. And it was just these constant things back and forth, back and forth. And no matter we had counseling from the church, we had counseling from friends, we had um, we had counselings from a street ministry that we were involved in. No matter what happened, nothing helped, nothing changed. And he just kept going on down the same old path. And I'm over here just trying to hold it together. So when we got evicted out of the big house, we had moved into this other house with his mom and we were sharing that home for a while. And we were, we got back into another place. I mean, it was literally we had to beg these people to let us stay in this home after we got evicted out of the other place and promising that we were gonna, you know, just opening our hearts, like this is our situation, this is what we've been in. We're doing our best to survive. And I think they felt bad for us and they let us stay there, and then like literally four months later, we were out. We were out of there. Um, we got evicted from there as well. It was just, you know, it was wild. I had tried holding down on and off jobs at like odds and ends for a little bit, and it just it nothing, nothing could stick because I gotta take care of the kids. Like I can't work a job because who's watching the kids at home and taking them to school and and all of that. And it just it was it was nuts. And after that last time, I had called my mom and I was like, okay, we're we're gonna move, we're gonna move back to Houston. And my stepdad at the time, my mom had remarried, and my stepdad at the time was willing to help us get into an apartment there. And I think it was easier because he was like, I can keep an eye on you, I can help you and get a job here, and things like that. So we went and we stayed with them for like a couple of weeks, and we got into an apartment there in Houston. And then my husband at the time had found a job, and so there we were again at this another move, another, another car. Like we hadn't like when we moved, we didn't have a car. We were his mom had to help us move. Like, then we had we got another little car we found for like 500 bucks, and we drove that until it blew up. It was just it was just literally one thing after the other, and it never, it never, it never got better. And living there in Houston, things only got worse. He continued to escalate. We started going to another church here in Houston, and it was a great church. I loved being there. I quickly made a lot of friends. I was singing on the on the praise and worship team, and it incited a lot of jealousy from him because he wasn't being picked. He wasn't being picked to preach, he wasn't being picked to stand on stage, and it became like this weird competition between us. And I was eventually, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I just couldn't do it. And uh, I remember us going to lunch one afternoon and we got into it, and we're literally having this giant fight in public that somebody calls the cops on us, and they're coming to make sure we're okay. And that's when I was like, Yeah, we're good, we're good. And then they let us, they've let us go or whatever, and I turned around and I'm like, I want a divorce.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:04

I want a divorce.

Heather 1:22:08

And he he fought me a lot, like, let's get help, let's get counseling, and I'm like, We've done it, we've done it, and and nothing's changing. And here, you know, uh Andrew is barely two years old at this point, and you know, I I I didn't know what else to do, but so he left, and miraculously, as he leaves, he gets a job, finds an apartment, and is able to take care of his apartment by himself. And in the meantime, we get evicted from the apartment that we share together. I got my car repossessed, and now I have nowhere to live with my two children. And he's like, Well, the kids can come stay with me while you try to figure out what you're gonna do. And I was like, Yeah, okay. And so the the boys went and stayed with him for a while while I am like living out of my car. I'm slept some in my car and I had slept some at my mom's apartment. Um and it was just this ongoing thing where I'm I'm back in that same situation all over again. All over again. And I remember having to call my dad and ask him for help and ask him for money. And I'm like, you know, I can't take care of the boys. I can't, I've lost the home, I've lost the car, and I and I needed money just to pay the car note, so I did not lose the car right away. I was like just trying to get one more time before they came and picked it up. And it my dad was he was never happy because it's just like I never had good news, you know. I never had good news, and and anything that was good was always coming to an end in some traumatic way, and it always seemed to be my fault, right? It was it was just um, you know, me going around that mountain one more time, how many times, you know? But there I was, and there was no time to deal with anything, right? Like we keep I keep going back to the emotions and the feelings and the trauma that I was experiencing. It's like none of that was dealt with. It was just something that I live with and it's it was set aside and and so I didn't know what to do. And um, I remember um, you know, my dad had put some limitations on me. He's like, if you do this, then I will send you the money. And it was uh a request that was an impossible request. He had felt like I was not in a place to be a mother, and that I should probably shouldn't have been a mother, and that I should uh I should find somebody to take my kids for me, and that if I could do that, then he would send me the money. And I remember walking away from that conversation, feeling again so devastated. You know, I it's this place you feel like when you're a little girl the place that you always want to run to is your daddy. He's the one that's gonna save you, he's the one that's gonna protect you. And it's it's really hard to say, and it's really hard to admit, but there has very rarely ever been a time where that has ever been the case for me. And in some of my most dire moments and some of my most dire and traumatic experiences, he's been there and he he was the furthest thing from safety for me. The the people who you think are the ones that are supposed to protect you and be there for you. The ones that are supposed to carry you, support you, love you unconditionally. That's how I was raised as a little girl. It's what I always thought, it's what I always believed, and then as you grow up and you realize that that's not the truth, that's it was a really hard pill for me to swallow and I I and it's one I felt like I kept having to swallow over and over and over again because I always still felt like there was this hope that it would be different, and it just never was. But needless to say, I did not give up my children to somebody else. Not like that, and I um I got evicted from my apartment, I lost the car, and Andrew's dad moved to back to college station where he came from, and he had gotten a good job and or whatever, and so the boys I let the boys go and stay with him, and that's what they did for the next year. I was away from them for the entire year. I d don't think I saw them at all while I was trying to figure out my life and figure out what what I was gonna do. And I I couldn't understand how the person who couldn't pull anything together, who could not do what he needed to do for our family, was now the one who had a job and had a car and had a home, was now taking care of my children and the ones that don't even belong to him while I'm out here living on the street.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:37

And the the real question was, what now? What now? And I'm gonna stop there.

Heather 1:27:53

I hope you guys enjoyed today's uh part three. Um obviously I can Of hit you guys with a lot of different things. I think you're being able to see a lot of different emotions that I'm feeling. This one was a a little bit of a strained one for me. Um, so many mixed emotions, so many, many things that I'm dealing with. And um, but it it this this whole thing has been cathartic in a way, right? Because I was telling my brother yesterday, I was like, it's weird because I'm as I'm recording, I'm I can see myself. I'm can see myself in the monitor here, and and it's like I'm coming face to face with myself in a whole different kind of way. And I really appreciate you guys letting me do that and letting me be vulnerable. And I want you guys to remember that no matter what you've gone through, no matter what you've experienced, no matter what you've seen or what you've done, that freedom is the advantage you already own. And that nobody can take that from you, and that you can always find it, and that you can always come back to yourself. And just sometimes we need a little help finding that path. Come back next week and join me for part four. I look forward to you guys coming and joining, and I will see you guys next week. Until next time,