Oliver is here!

Amanda shares her birth story & new direction for the podcast

Transcript

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Okay, let's do this. Welcome back to the Motherly Ish Podcast. I'm Amanda Miller, uh, new mom of two boys, and I'm so excited to be back. Um, transparently, I took a long breather from podcasting because I kind of had a little crash out at the end of the year. Um, just like feeling a lot of anxiety about the pregnancy, a lot of anxiety about Graham, um, my oldest son, and I just didn't feel like super aligned with the whole like message of my podcast at the time. Um, so we are doing a little rebranding and trying to figure out kind of like what direction I want to take it in because uh long story long, the whole premise of my podcast when I started it was you don't have to lose yourself in motherhood to be a good mom. And I firmly believe in that, but that is not how like my current like lifestyle is, and so it felt a little fraudulent, and I just it just didn't feel like natural. So I'm just gonna keep it one hondo and I'm gonna move forward with my current reality. And my current reality is that I gave birth to the most perfect little muffin at the end of nope, not the end, the beginning of May, May 2nd. Um, Oliver Francis joined our crew, and um he has truly softened me in ways that I didn't I just didn't see coming, and I had a lot of anxieties leading up to his birth on like how I would feel and what postpartum would be like and what kind of connection I would have with him, and we'll get into all that, but um, he's here, he's healthy, he's almost uh seven weeks old, and that's insane because he just came out of my womb yesterday. So, um, anyway, life is good, and I'm really excited to dive into today's episode. If you hear some like nasally breathing, uh little guy is chronically congested. I think it's like a mix of newborn things and having a toddler brother who's always bringing home fun little germs. Uh, but we're we're making it work. So if you hear his little breathing in the background, I am a little sorry, but not that sorry because he is the mushiest, gushiest. Alright, so today I figured I would kind of catch you up on like life from like basically all of 2026 up until now, so half the year, which is also insane. Um, and then uh we'll go into Oliver's birth story and um just kind of like a little update on life now and what's next. So um this year truly flew by. I don't know what it is, but um in the months leading up to Oliver's birth, um I was just having a lot of anxiety. Um I felt like very um worried about everything in my life. Um, I was having like really intrusive thoughts about like um Graham and Graham's safety. Um full like disclosure. I do believe he has some sensory issues, that's no secret. Um, and we are seeing who we need to see to help with that. Um, but he's not diagnosed with anything. We just have some like clear concerns with his like uh he lacks a little body awareness, so playgrounds are really scary. Um he gets dysregulated really easily, he's in fight or flight a lot of the time. So like he just requires an extra level of um like intentionality and patience and like some extra safety measures, and like I'm an anxious person as it is. I have not been shy about sharing my mental health journey. Um, and I was like raw dogging life. I was not on any sort of antidepressant in the beginning of this year, and I was just having like a lot of worries and anxieties, and then uh when I wasn't worrying about Graham, I was worrying about like a labor and delivery because you hear horror stories and it can be really scary. Um, I had a wonderful labor and delivery with Graham, but you know, not every situation is the same. Um, and so I was really nervous. But um we'll get into it in a in a little bit, but uh I had a relatively great labor and delivery with Oliver as well. So I'm like counting my lucky stars for that. Um but I think something that like I wasn't prepared for is as Oliver's due date got closer, I got like really scared of what kind of connection I was gonna feel and like how I was gonna feel towards the baby. Um I ever since Graham was placed on my chest, like was immediately obsessed with him, in love with him. And now Graham and I, Graham's gonna be three in August, like we're besties, like we do everything together. I know him, he knows me. Um, I've been the like favorite parent. Um, sorry, Brett, uh, his whole life. So like we're just like so close. And so like my bond with him, I couldn't imagine like giving birth and having like an immediate bond like I had with Graham um with Oliver. Like I was just so scared of what that was gonna look like. And whether he was born and I had an immediate bond or whether it took a little time to grow and blossom, like I was fully prepared for both outcomes, but really hopeful that I would have like an immediate bond with him. But I just like couldn't wrap my head around the fact that like I would have to give what I felt was a full heart, like I would have to split that in two. And I think I was like, we'll get more into this later too, but like I think I was looking at it the wrong way. Like what I've learned now is my heart's not split, it's just like doubled somehow. I don't know how it's possible, but it's like the most wonderful thing. Um, so I was having anxiety about that, and then like my biggest anxiety of all was the fact that I was gonna have to leave Graham to go to the hospital to give birth, and I knew I was gonna be gone away from him for at least 24 hours. So I was so scared. This caused me so many panic attacks. I had multiple conversations with my doctors. Um, I like begged them to make sure that I would be at the hospital for as little time as possible, only one overnight. Um, because up until that point, I had never been away from Graham at bedtime. I had never been not sleeping in Graham's room with him all night. And uh not to brag, but my toddler still wakes up two to three times a night. So like we get a lot of FaceTime at night, and then like I wake up with him in the morning, or I was waking up with him in the morning, and like we had a little bonding time in the morning together before even getting up for the day. So like I was just so scared of how he would handle that, and then not only that, but like I was nervous about how he would handle just like not being around me for two or three days. Like that sounds so like I don't know, braggy, but it's I don't mean it to be that way. I I truly was terrified, and I I was too nervous to even do like a trial run because I was like, I just was so nervous about how he would handle it with like the way he is, and um so that was just like the biggest cause of like anxiety in my life for months and months leading up to Oliver's birth. And um happy to report also that like Graham did wonderful and he thrived, and I think it like really jumpstarted this like new independence in him that I'm just so proud of him about. So we'll we'll get more into that too. Gosh, I'm like really uh teasing a lot here, I feel like, but you know, I can't help myself. Um, okay, so let's chat about like leading up to like the final days of being pregnant. Um, I hate being pregnant. That's like another reason why I kind of fell off the grid, is like I don't enjoy it. I wish I did. I don't. It's funny because it's like I'm like a grass, is the grass is always greener on the other side. Now that I'm not pregnant, like I miss being pregnant. But when I'm pregnant, let me tell you, so uncomfortable. And being pregnant when you're chasing around a very active toddler is diabolical. Like I was so tired, so uncomfortable, um, every single day, couldn't sleep. Like it was just really, really hard to get through. Um, and so I was ready for this baby to come out, but I didn't want him to come too early because I like uh spoiler alert, get very anxious about like um just health things. So I wanted him to be there and in there as long as possible. Well while he was cooking in the final month, we had so much drama in our lives. I was in the emergency room one day because I um could not breathe, like literally could not breathe. And I was convinced I was having like a heart attack or something. Um, and I luckily was fine. Um it all ended up being fine, but that was the scariest day of my life. I've never felt like I couldn't breathe before. Um, and then um Graham was in the ER twice in one month for croup. So I don't know what was happening, who had our voodoo dolls, but we were in the emergency room way too many times um as a family in like March, April. And then um our golden doodle Riley decided to eat half of a shower curtain. And so she needed emergency surgery um and then had an infection from that surgery and needed another emergency surgery. So uh heading into um Oliver's birthday, uh, we were facing a lot of stress and anxiety about Graham's health, about my health, about our dog's health. Luckily, Riley is fine. She recovered, she is back to her normal goofy self. Um, we're so happy and so lucky, thanks to Cornell uh Animal Animal Hospital. Like it's truly a miracle. Um, so we're just so grateful for that. And then like add in like the financial stress of all that, right? Like the reality of the situation is we don't have pet insurance, we didn't have like it's just it was a lot. So um we're fortunate that you know we're able to like figure that kind of stuff out, but like it was just a lot of stress heading into Oliver's birthday. So I think we were all really excited for like a happy moment. Um, but I was getting like more and more anxious because I knew the day was coming where I would have to leave Graham for a prolonged period of time. And um I it was a week before my due date. Um I went to bed like normal, woke up around two o'clock in the morning, and I was having contractions, but I had Braxton Hicks contractions from like, I swear to God, day two of this pregnancy. Um, like I just was always having contractions, and I so I was like, I'm not ready, and I just like kept telling myself, this isn't it, this isn't it. Like, you're just having some Braxton Hicks, go back to sleep, and I could not fall back asleep. And then um Graham had like a really bad wake up around like 2:30 in the morning, and he like was sitting up and crying, which it's not always the case. A lot of the times when he wakes up, like he just wakes up and like hugs me and goes back to sleep. Like it's actually really sweet. However, this time he was like screaming, and I he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I think he might have been having a bad dream, but he gave me I'm gonna not I'm really gonna try not to get emotional today. He gave me like the biggest, tightest, longest hug. Like we were sitting up and he just hugged me so hard. And Graham's not a hugger, he's not a cuddler, so I was like, Oh my god, like he I feel like he knows what's happening. Like, obviously, the reality is he didn't know what was happening, but it felt like oh my god, he's hugging me like goodbye, or like it felt like he was like just like he was comforting me at that point. And he just laid down and went back to sleep and then didn't wake up again. And in that time, my contractions were getting closer together and really intense. So around 4:30, I l left his room, which was the hardest thing. I swear I'm being dramatic, but like it's I'm not kidding. Like it was the hardest thing I've done in a while. And I had to leave his room and go get Brett and tell him, like, I think I have to go to the hospital. My contractions were like four minutes apart. I do not do well with pain, but I was in like a lot of pain. And um, they were consistently like that for like an hour. So I um we called Brett's parents to come over, and then I went to the hospital. Um, and I wanted Brett to be here so that when Graham woke up in the morning, he was here, um, or one of us was here, so it wasn't as like shocking to him. However, um he like it ended up that Brett came to the hospital before Graham woke up in the morning and that was fine. Um so Brett and I are in the hospital. Brett's like in the best mood. I'm in excruciating pain, and the nurse is like talking to me, getting me all set up, and she is like, let me do a check, like a cervical check. And I was like so scared because my water hadn't broken, which it did for Graham and it hadn't for Oliver. So I was like, she's gonna tell me I'm like one centimeter and I'm just like such a baby and can't handle the pain. Well, what do you know? She does the cervical check and she's like, You're only one to two centimeters. And I was like sobbing. I was like, I'm not leaving. Like, you have to help me. And she's like, however, love this woman. She's like, I can feel his head is so low. And she's like, This is like really interesting. So she's like, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna call the doctor and see what's going on. This was a Saturday morning, so the doctor was on call. There wasn't like just a doctor there. So she calls the doctor and explains my situation. The doctor and angel, Dr. Claire, love you to pieces. Is like, let her stay. Let's give her, um, since it's her second pregnancy, like things can escalate quickly. She's obviously in a lot of pain. Um, so they gave me like fentanyl to kind of like ease things until I was like more dilated. The fentanyl did not work. I don't know why or how or who or when. Like it just didn't work. I was in increasingly worse pain. And a couple hours later they came in to do another cervical check with a new nurse because they did a shift change. Well, this nurse is checking me, and she's kind of saying the same thing. She's like, maybe two to three centimeters. She's like, but I feel what she's saying. The head is so low, and I can't really get a good measure. She's like, So I would really love to get a second opinion because like I don't want to make you sit here in worse pain if like I'm wrong. Well, luckily, the person that came to get the second opinion, I at this point, like I am, I am screaming, like each contraction, I'm so unbearable. Poor Bret, it's like embarrassing. Um, I'm clutching the side of the bed, like nothing is working. I'm in so much pain. And she checks me and she's like, Oh, you're five centimeters dilated. And I was like, Thank Jesus. So I was like, Give me the epidural immediately, please. And then the anesthesiologist comes in and um like an like not immediately because they had to do some like labs before they could do the the epidural. I had an epidural with Graham, it was the best experience. Truly, like it made it just like it was amazing. This is where things went a little south with Oliver. So the anesthesiologist comes in, and it's my fault because I was so dramatic and does the epidural and he gives me like a loading dose. Well, all of a sudden, I'm like, my arms are getting heavier and my lips are getting tingly, and I'm like, there's something wrong. Like, I think it's like making my whole body go numb. And then my blood pressure started to drop. And here's where the nurses like they were very cool, calm and collected. I can say nothing but wonderful things about the staff um at the Guthrie Cortland Labor and Delivery. Like, they were truly fantastic. My experience with them make makes me want to have another baby. Um, but anyway, we'll get into that later. Um so my blood pressure's dropping, and the nurses are like, we need to get it back up. We have to call the anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist comes back down. He's like, stop the dose. Like, so they stop my epidural completely. Um, they do whatever they have to do to get my blood pressure back down, and luckily, like, things are fine, except for I start having the ultimate panic attack, the panic attack of all panic attacks. That the doctor comes in and is like, we can knock you out, but it's gonna make this situation so much harder. And she was like, I can give you this, this, and this. And I was like, I don't want anything else in my body, like, I just want to have this baby. I'm just I need you to promise me I'm not gonna die. Like, I was convinced I was gonna die. I felt so out of it. I felt just like so uncomfortable and so terrified. And I just remember feeling like, you can't let me die. Like, I have Graham at home, and I want like this is my baby. Like, I can't die. And Brett was like the best, so calm. Um, so the doctor tried to like kind of talk me off the ledge. She sorta was successful. She's like, just rest for a little bit, and then like before you know it, it'll be time to push. She broke my water. I put on some Taylor Swift, as I did with my first labor, and I tried to chill the fuck out. Excuse my language. Um after like a little while, I so they turned my epidural off, right? So like it's kind of like working itself out of my body, and all of a sudden, I don't feel pain, but I feel pressure, and I'm like, I feel like he's gonna come out. Like, and this was about I think six hours after my labor started. And so I call the nurse and I'm like, hey, I'm feeling a lot of pressure, not pain, but like, can you turn my epidural back on? And can we like check me? She checks me, she's like, Oh my god, it's go time. They came in so fast. I start pushing, I push once, and the doctor is like, stop pushing. She makes me stop abruptly. The cord was wrapped around Oliver's neck too tightly, so she had to do like um, she had to cut the cord right there around his neck, and then I did one more push, and this little buddy was out of my body and on my belly. I could not believe because for Graham I pushed two hours with Oliver, I had two pushes, and like I probably could have pushed him out in one if the cord issue wasn't present, um, which is insane. So, overall, like it was a great experience, scary moment there with the epidural, but um happy to report the second she handed him to me, I was immediately in love again. I felt like this like bond, I was so excited to see him. Um I I was so relieved he was here, and it was just so quick, and I was just like really happy that like if all had gone well with his checks and everything, we could go home to Graham the next day. So at that point, I'm like riding a high. I'm so happy. I was nervous. I have also not been shy about the fact that Graham was a difficult baby um and and still challenging, but like when he was a baby, never stopped crying, very fussy. Uh, it's really traumatizing. Um, Oliver cried a lot in his first 24 hours. And I was like, here we go again. Um, I was trying to stay positive. I was like, we're prepared for this. Oh, he's waking up. He's waking up. Okay, he's back down. Um anyway, so like we were so scared. First night, so hard. He did not stop crying, did not want to be put down. Um, so much so that like the nurse, the hospital didn't have a nursery. Um, but the nurse came. I was like, I'm gonna take him for a couple hours because like you need to get some sleep. So bless her, she took him and Brett and I slept for two hours, and I was like, this is my normal, it's fine. Um so then the next day we did all the things, he got his hearing test and failed it, so it's fine. We went back two weeks later and he passed. Um he got his all his tests done and um his circumcision done, and we headed home to meet Grammy. And um Graham was so cute, so excited. He made us a little sign, and the first thing Graham said to Oliver is, I'll take care of you, Ollie. Uh, there's a video of it, thank God. And I my heart exploded, and I just like I don't know, I don't know, ever since then, like I've just been so and my heart's just bigger, and I love them both so much, and I love motherhood in a way that like I I loved motherhood with Graham, but it was like just all challenging. Oliver is a different kind of baby. Oliver is uh calmer, he's more content um and more predictable, I think. And also I have more confidence because it's not my first rodeo, so like I'm able to breathe a little bit and really just like enjoy all the moments that come with it. I'm fairly certain, like I would say 99.998% sure that Oliver is our last baby. So I'm just trying to like really embrace all the moments. I know it goes so quickly. Um, and and you know, just like really appreciate and be present with our current situation and their little lives and how they're growing and learning, and it just does truly go so fast. So I will say with Graham, we did have some like challenges the first couple of weeks um that Oliver was home with us. Um, he just seemed to be like really dysregulated, um, seeking a lot of like attention, like negative attention, and it's all because he was like trying to express to us like that he needed something. Um, so after a couple weeks, like we were just like super patient with him. Um, and he never took anything out on the baby. It was more so just like giving Brett and I like it was just challenging to Brett and I, but like he needed us, and we have navigated that with patience, and um, we're really trying to support Graham the best we can. I'm really intentional with my time with Graham. So, like um our current routine is like uh luckily I have Brett's mom to help during the day most days. So usually during the day, I take lead on Oliver, she takes lead on Graham, and then um when Brett gets home from work, he like showers, and then he'll take Oliver, like take the lead on Oliver, and then I'll take the lead on Graham. So like Graham and I always have special time in the late afternoon to evening. I put Graham to bed, so we still have like a good chunk of quality time a day where it's just me and him, and then we also do things all together, and you know, we're we're just we're doing the best we can with them. Um the days where I don't have help are challenging. I have a really hard time feeling guilty about like when I'm giving Oliver what he needs, I'm not giving Graham what Graham needs, and when I'm giving Graham what Graham needs, I'm not like super attentive to Oliver, and it's really hard to balance, and I think it really causes a lot of like anxiety and stress for me during the day because I just want them both to feel all the love that I have for them and I want them to be attended to immediately when they need attention, and you know, the reality is sometimes they just need completely different things, so I'm not perfect, I'm not a perfect mom. We do screen time a lot on the days where it's just me during the day. Um and like I'm not like things just aren't perfect, but we're trying our hardest, and like truly it's such a gift. Um, and I'm so excited for when Oliver's a little bit older and they can like actually engage with each other and play. And I think Graham is like so excited for that too. Um so yeah, we're we're figuring it out. Um, I couldn't be happier. My biggest stress of postpartum truly is that it's like splitting my love and my attention, and like another thing is like my relationship with Graham has like naturally changed a little bit. Like I am sharing my love with someone else, and he can pick up on that, and Graham is very perceptive, and so he has like kind of leaned into his relationships with other people, like um Brett's mom and Brett, and like we still have a special bond, but it's certainly different. And I had a really hard time that made me really emotional for the first couple of weeks, is just like um, I know this is like a positive change for our family, and I'm so happy and so in love with Oliver, but like I'm grieving the loss of my relationship with Graham the way it was. Um, and I think that's natural and normal, and I think people don't talk about it enough to be honest. Like, I was not prepared. Also, like what the heck happens? Like, Graham is like a teenager now to me. Like, his he's bigger, he's smarter, like not smarter, just like more capable of like it's crazy. I just I feel like he like just grew up overnight, and I'm like, you were a baby the night I left for the hospital, and I came back to like a full-blown person, and it's like such a mind F. Like, I just can't, I can't comprehend it, but it it's truly wild. Um, so this summer I am home. I have a beautiful maternity leave package from work, um, so I don't have to go back until September. So I really get to enjoy the summer with the boys. And then Grammy is supposed to be starting pre-K in um September. So that'll be like a really exciting slash scary slash bittersweet transition in September. But I'm so happy for him. And we're trying to get him prepped and ready. Um, our biggest hurdle is the potty training. So send thoughts, prayers, tips. You know, I'm I'm here for the this is this advice is solicited. I'll take all everything you got, send it my way. Um, other than that, you know, just trying to figure out our new normal. I always feel like I need to embark on a new side hustle or a new, you know, whatever, uh, in my quote unquote free time, um, which I I really don't have a lot of right now. So stay tuned for more on my next endeavor. Um and also like I would like to podcast as I feel, you know, I have something to say. So I'm not a hundred percent sure what that's gonna look like, but would love to keep y'all um updated and still continue to share my motherhood journey. I'm gonna circle back with some of the people I had previously talked to about potentially coming on as guests. Um this was like kind of an impulsive comeback. So more to come. If you listen, like thank you. I really appreciate it. Um, and I hope everyone has the most beautiful, wonderful summer. Uh, I will chat with you soon.