We Can’t Read Minds, So Let’s Talk About It

We share a small holiday moment that revealed big themes: assumptions, ownership, and how to stop a tiny frustration from turning into a loud fight. A broken ornament becomes a lesson about clear asks, softer standards, and choosing team over ego.

• The Christmas tree incident and missed signals
• “He should know” myth versus using words
• Equal partnership without rigid gender roles
• Perfectionism, control, and good‑enough help
• Triggers from past relationships and childhood
• De‑escalation, repair, and the team mindset

Transcript

New Year Catch‑Up And Vibes

Speaker 0:04

Hey, and welcome back to Relationsmith episode two. Thank you so much for all of the feedback from everyone that's listened. I'm Jamie Smith. I'm here with my beautiful wife, Stacy.

Speaker 1 0:21

Hello.

Roles, Workload, And A Loose Outline

Speaker 0:22

And we are again doing this podcast. It's a space where we share our relationship and the conversations we are having. Sometimes there are little hard things, sometimes on the lighter, there are some lighter ones. Always the goal is staying connected. And again, as always, thanks for being here. So let's dive right in. Well, New Year's is over, and we started our first full week of work this week. This past weekend, unfortunately, two of my football teams are not in the playoffs or playoffs. So that's sad. But tonight, I got a college team that's in the in the playoffs, Miami Hurricanes. Let's go. And anyway, so things have been pretty chill, you know. Oh, we uh what what about you? What's going on with you, babe?

Speaker 2 1:18

Well, by my by profession, I'm an accountant, so my for the first week of the month is always very busy for me. Really? Wow.

Speaker 1:28

I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 1:29

That was so unsupportive of you.

Speaker 1:33

Nah, nah, you're actually out of all accountants in the world, you are the coolest one. And when people even find out what you do, they're like, really?

Speaker 2 1:41

Yeah.

Speaker 1:42

You're not boring at all.

Speaker 2 1:44

Yeah. Well, that's funny because that's when something I've heard a lot. And I know a lot of cool accountants that are fun people like me. And for a long time I didn't understand what they meant. And then I had a little blip of a job once, and I worked in an accounting department that was not a good cultural fit for me. And I thought, oh, you're those people they're talking about.

Speaker 2:05

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, you're right. Uh, some of the people you surround yourself with, yeah, they're really cool people. So it is funny. Although uh there's really nothing for me to talk about when we hang out with everyone.

Speaker 2 2:18

Yeah. But yeah, so this week has been really busy for me with work, with it being month end and year end and all those fun things. So gotcha. Um, yeah. So this podcast is a little bit less has a little bit less of a not podcast, episode. A little bit less of an outline than we would normally hope.

Speaker 1 2:39

But yeah. No.

Speaker 2 2:40

But you promised some people a second episode by the end of this week. So here we go.

Speaker 2:47

Well, I mean, they were hungry for it. They wanted some more. So we, you know, we want to we want to do this. We wanted to do this, and now we're doing it. And yeah.

Speaker 2 2:58

Well, we don't want to leave people hanging either. That's not fun.

The Christmas Tree Incident Begins

Speaker 3:01

Exactly. Exactly. So, what is it that you actually want to share this week, babe? I know that we were we've discussed a lot of things this week, a lot of funny things, a lot of like really gym type of things, and and there was one incident you actually wanted to talk about, isn't it?

Speaker 2 3:19

Yeah, I was thinking about talking about the Christmas tree incident.

Speaker 3:26

Ugh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 3:28

Well, and as I was thinking about it, I thought there's just so much there's so much meat there, you know, so many different directions the conversation should could go and different things we could talk about. So I guess we're gonna just find out.

Speaker 3:42

All right. So let's talk about it. What in your point of view happened on the Christmas tree episode or issue or debacle or whatever? It wasn't a debacle. Nah, that wasn't that bad.

Speaker 2 3:56

So so we were taking down the Christmas decorations last week, and usually I mostly do the inside decorations, you mostly do the outside decorations, and you do the twinkle tunnel, which is inside.

Speaker 4:13

Twinkle tunnel, if you guys don't know, there's a place in Cheekwood here in Nashville. It's called Cheekwood. It's this this botanical like flowers and everything, and every year they have these Christmas lights that they put up. And so there is this tunnel that you walk through, and it's got twinkle lights all through it. And what we call it, the twinkle tunnel. Anyway, one day we come home and she's like, I want this in our house.

Speaker 2 4:41

What a twinkle tunnel of my own.

Speaker 4:43

I'm like, I can't do that. And then last year I actually surprised her with it, and she was like, Wait, what?

Assumptions, Mind Reading, And Help

Speaker 2 4:50

Yes, I love the twinkle tunnel, and and all of our friends love it too. So anyhow, so back to the Christmas tree. Yes, so so you had taken down the outside lights and the twinkle tunnel, and I was working on the tree, and for some reason I had it in my head that you were kind of like done with like I did my part of taking down the Christmas decorations, I'm done. Yep, the rest is on you. That was in my head. So I'm up on the big stepladder trying to take you know the garland off the tree, and I was really struggling to get the garland around the tree, and I was feeling frustrated, and you're sitting on the couch looking at your phone. I don't know what you're doing. And I yanked the garland, and one of my new glass bulb ornaments falls to the floor and shatters everywhere.

Speaker 5:55

Great sound effect, by the way. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 5:59

So man, I really wanted to be angry with you about that.

Speaker 1 6:08

Yeah.

Speaker 2 6:08

And of course you jumped up and got a broom and and swept up the glass, which was great. And but what was going on inside of me was this internal dialogue of man, couldn't you see that I was struggling with that? Why didn't you get up and help me? And then of course also I'm you know self-aware enough to say, you know, Stacey, you could have used your words, you could have asked for help, he would have definitely gotten up and helped if you would have. And but like I said, I had that story in my head that you were thought you felt like you were done and you didn't want to help. Did you say that? No. No, no, I I assumed that. And also I lost my train of thought.

Shed Browsing And Missed Signals

Speaker 7:05

That's okay, that's all right. Now, and I I I hear you, and um, you know, and we can pick up a little bit more when you kind of gain your train of thought, but from my point of view, just like you said, we kind of have our own little duties. So when we're setting up, I set up outside, I go in the attic, I pull everything out of the attic, everything from the inside, the twinkle tunnel, boxes, galore, right? And I get it all set up and ready for you, and then I help actually put the tree up. And then my thought is you have or new ornaments, and you have your own way of doing things, and I'm like, I don't want to get in her way. If you ask me, I will help, but I am not gonna, you know, you have a plan. And if you don't know, Stacy is definitely a she she's very methodical in what she's doing. She's like that with her finances, she's like that with pretty much anything. She likes to think it through, and she has a plan, she has a vision, and I think a lot of us do, you know, when we're we're doing something. So this is her job, this is what she does, and she does it. So, fast forward, Christmas is over, New Year's is over, we're taking down the tree. Or I took out, I took the well, we were still on vacation, so I took a whole day, took all the Christmas lights down outside, and then took the twinkle tunnel down and and just kind of cleaned up, went back in the attic, brought all the boxes back down, and I laid them out for her. And so she had to work the day before, and then we decided the next day that she was gonna get up and she was gonna start. Well, I assumed she was gonna go ahead and start doing that. So I've got this thing in my head where I've got this internal struggle where I am trying to figure out I want to build a shed in the back, I don't want to be, you know, I wanted it simple, but my brain is like, oh, we gotta have this like castle in the back. And it's like, no, you don't need that. And so I was having this struggle all day while she is starting to do the tree. And so I'm looking on Home Depot.com, Lowe's.com, I'm looking at all these things, Sam's Club, I'm looking at all these different things, trying to get an idea of what I want. Something that's not gonna look gaudy, something that's and so this is going on in my head, and all of a sudden, crash, there's an ornament that falls down. I jump up, I'm like, whoa, it scared me to death. I went and got a broom, I swept it up, and then I went and I sat back down, pulled my phone out, and then I kind of look up at her and I see this frustration in her face. And I don't, I'm like, I don't know if I should engage with that. And so I sit there for a minute and then I'm like, Babe, do you need help? And what happened then?

Speaker 1 10:16

Uh-huh.

Speaker 10:19

I figured you would help me because I'm sitting here struggling.

Speaker 2 10:22

Yeah, didn't you not see me struggling? That's what I said.

Speaker 10:25

Yeah.

Speaker 2 10:26

Did you not see me struggling?

Speaker 10:27

And I said, No.

Speaker 2 10:29

Yeah. So, so you okay. First of all, you never said it out loud what you were doing.

“He Should Know” Vs Using Words

Speaker 10:35

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, you had no idea what I was doing. This was all kind of my and again, my assumption was this is her thing. I don't want to get in the way, but I will drop whatever I'm doing, and I made myself kind of available. So all I was doing was just looking at my phone, doing brain work, right? I wasn't actually doing anything physical or anything. So I was like, if she I'm keeping myself here open, so the moment she goes, Hey babe, can you help me with this? Boom, I jump up to do it. So that was going on in my head.

Speaker 2 11:10

Which you're great about that, but I do feel like some people who are listening could get triggered by that.

unknown 11:18

Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 11:20

So I'm glad I'm really glad you said that because that's really what I wanted to get to and to talk about. Because I cannot tell you, I've I've experienced this in my previous relationships, and I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say, I don't want to tell him what to do. He should just be able to look around and see what's needed.

Equal Partnership Over Gender Roles

Speaker 11:40

Yeah. Yeah. Like he should have known, or she should have known. It's like, but why? I mean, here's the thing. A lot of times in relationships, and I and I can say for I had a couple, I had a friend of mine that was married, and and one of the issues that he uh that they were having was the fact that they sat with me and they were talking to me, and they were like, hey, you know, she's like, Well, when I come home, I want this, this, and this done. And he never does it. I'm not, did you ask him to do it? She's like, no, he should know. Maybe not. I mean, yes, there are things that we probably should be sensitive to. You know, equal partnership in a home doesn't mean that the wife should do everything, especially if both couples are working, right? But both people are working, both are doing things, you know. Even the mom that stays home with the kids, they're working, they're literally trying to take care of the kids, and that's a full-time job, also.

Speaker 1 12:53

Right.

Speaker 12:54

But there should never be an assumption that this person or this gender has this role, and this person and this gender has this role. It should be something where it's an equal partnership, right?

Speaker 2 13:06

Well, and that's the thing, is I think partnership. I think somehow somehow we we lose sight of that, or we can't, or it can't we can lose sight of it. And it's not even about because I think most people are you know definitely on on board with there's no gender-specific roles or whatever, but just feeling like you have a partner.

Speaker 1 13:37

Right.

Speaker 2 13:39

And I think that's where that sentiment comes from from with the w when the women say that, when they say, Well, he should know. I I don't want to have to tell him, he should know.

Speaker 13:50

Yeah, because what happens when they feel like they have to tell him?

Speaker 2 13:54

Yeah. Well, I think I think what happens is then they start to feel like they're his mom.

Speaker 14:02

Yes.

Perfectionism, Control, And Socks

Speaker 2 14:03

Or if they have to tell him everything that they need to do that needs to be done around the house, or everything that needs to be done to take care of the kids, well now she's parenting him.

Speaker 14:13

Right.

Speaker 2 14:13

Or she feels like she is anyway.

Speaker 14:15

Exactly. And but do you think that is just something that is it's just supposed to be unspoken? Or is it something that should be discussed like in the beginning?

Speaker 2 14:27

Oh yeah. No, absolutely. And uh don't get me wrong. Yes, we should use our words. I'm saying as we as women, myself as a woman, and I tell myself that all the time. Stacey, he can't read your mind. Exactly. And that's not fair for you to expect him to.

Speaker 14:46

Although I do a pretty good job of reading most of it. Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 14:49

You have gotten to know me really well, and so you're you are pretty good at it at this point.

Speaker 14:54

Yeah. But well, I gotta say, early on in our relationship, we we did have a few little struggles trying to figure out what who's gonna do what. Now, when you met me, you were like, okay, this guy keeps kind of he keeps a clean house, right? He he, you know, this, this, and that. He he, you know, when every time I come over to his place, it's it's it's nice. And it's not just because I'm coming over. It looks like he keeps it like that. And when I came to your house, I I felt the same way. It was tidy, this and that. But I remember coming and and you and I actually had this conversation. We had a conversation of what is what are the things that you don't like to do? Remember that? Yeah. And I was like, I don't like to hang clothes.

unknown 15:48

Yeah.

Speaker 15:49

I don't like folding or hanging clothes, but I'll wash them. You know, I don't I don't mind cooking, you know, I don't mind, you know, and so we had this conversation. So now five years later, it's like there's no discussion. It's like there are things that are around the house that need to be done. It gets done, whether it by me, me or by you.

Speaker 1 16:13

Yeah.

Speaker 16:13

There's no assuming except at the Christmas tree.

unknown 16:18

Right.

Insecurities, Triggers, And Compromise

Speaker 2 16:18

Well, yeah, and I mean, you've been s so great at taking ownership of just taking care of the house and things that need to get down done around the house, and that has meant a a lot to me. So what do you think it is that slows a man down from from doing that in a relationship, from taking ownership of the house, what needs to get done around the house, taking ownership of taking care of the kids.

Speaker 16:48

Right. It's not done right. It's not done the way you want. It's not done to the specifications that you want. You being Yeah, I'm just saying it as like a general Yeah, you as a general.

Speaker 2 17:04

So you're saying a man feels like they if they try to do it, the wife's not happy.

Speaker 17:12

Yeah, or it's because they have done it and been criticized for it. I think a lot of times men shut down or anybody but our type of personality, you know, when we're we're told to do something, or we actually do it, and then it's not the right way.

Speaker 1 17:33

Yeah.

Speaker 17:33

And and there are ways that that that you can the the the the other person could say, you know, it's not done the way that they want it, but gotta remember it's it's not what you want, it's what we want. Right? Just because it's not your way doesn't mean that's the right way.

Speaker 2 17:54

True.

Speaker 17:55

If it's done and it's done in a way that both of you can come to a mutual agreement that this is the way that we can live, that's fine. But I think what happens is oh, what's that word? Oh yeah, control.

Speaker 2 18:10

Well, okay. And I'm a recovering perfectionist, I will confess.

Speaker 18:15

I like that. Hi, my name is Stacy, and I'm a recovering perfectionist.

Speaker 2 18:20

Right. So that's something I've had to work on with my own personal, you know, personal growth, personal journey of of working on myself. And really, some of it comes with just knowing that like just really having an honest conversation with my myself about what really matters, right? Like I remember this is a kind of a dumb example, but when we first l started living together and doing our laundry together, I don't like to roll my socks together. Oh my gosh. But you do. Yes, I do.

Speaker 19:02

Okay, so although I really don't anymore.

De‑Escalation And Team Mindset

Speaker 2 19:07

So I was like, I had this moment where I was like not rolling your socks, and then I was like, Stacy, who who cares? Who cares how he wants his socks folded? Fold your socks the way you want, fold his socks the way he wants. Right. Big freaking deal.

Speaker 19:23

Exactly.

Speaker 2 19:24

Right. And so I think there's a lot of times where if we could just pause for a minute and consider is this is this that important?

Speaker 19:33

Right.

Speaker 2 19:33

I think that could help.

Speaker 19:34

Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 19:36

And then on the things that really are that important, let's talk about it. Let's talk about before you know not when things are heated.

Speaker 19:46

Yeah.

Speaker 2 19:47

Let's have a conversation about why this is important.

Speaker 19:50

Well, and I also want to just take a step back on that is if we're fighting about socks being folded, socks being folded is not. The issue.

Speaker 2 20:01

Yeah, certainly.

Speaker 20:02

It is not the issue. That is part of the gas that got fueled to the root flame, right? So true.

Speaker 2 20:11

I'm so glad you said that.

Speaker 20:12

Yeah. And I think that's where we're, you know, I was talking to a buddy of mine yesterday, and and he was talking about some things that he was going through with his wife. And and, you know, great relationship. They they they love each other to death, but there are some things that that he does or that she does, and he doesn't like and she doesn't like. And I'm and I told him, and I was like, you know, on your point of view, I'm like, so what if what if it is done? You know, what if she does get her way? What's that look like? Are you gonna die?

Speaker 1 20:48

Yeah.

Speaker 20:48

He's like, well, no, but but what? Yeah but what's the worst that's gonna happen? Nothing. It's okay.

Speaker 2 20:58

Well, and I think that we've said we said this on episode one, we'll keep saying it. The the root is most likely some insecurity.

Closing Plans And Weekly Drops

Speaker 21:10

Oh, 100% that got triggered. Oh, definitely. Right, definitely, and that was one of the things I was talking to him about is is you know, he he did say that the reason that he is the way he is is because of some things that happened at in his childhood, yeah, and it kind of just molded who he was. And I'm like, well, you know, no nobody's saying that you should change who you are, but maybe the way you approach things. You you love this woman, right? You uh absolutely adore her. Well, sometimes that means that you can't have everything you want or need in a way just to make yourself happy and and her miserable, right? You gotta there's compromise, right? You know, where you both can be happy, right?

Speaker 2 22:04

And or so so insecurities or something that you experienced in a past relationship, and now you you assume the new person is going to do the same thing.

Speaker 22:21

Exactly.

Speaker 2 22:22

And that's a big also a big thing to look out for, especially early in a relationship.

Speaker 22:27

Right.

Speaker 2 22:27

Is not assuming that the new person is going to do the same thing the old last person did or the person before. Oh, yeah. So I think that's for me what happened with the Christmas tree incident. I assumed that you were I don't know why.

Speaker 22:42

I just because that's not my MO.

Speaker 2 22:45

No, it's not. It's not. And I just went back into an old pattern of thinking that you were being that way, which you're not usually. And and that's what what kind of caused me to feel frustrated and not use my words to ask for help. And I should know better, honestly, because there's so many times where I've thought you're gonna be frustrated about something, me asking you for help on something. And then when I ask you, you're like, Yeah, of course.

Speaker 23:13

Yeah. So exactly. Yeah, and then just to kind of continue this story or finish it up, basically what had happened was I said, babe, my brain was focused on this little project that I was doing. Honestly, I didn't pay attention to you. I didn't even realize you were frustrated until the after the ornament crashed on the ground and I swept it all up and I looked up at you and and until you said something. I really didn't know you were frustrated. And then again, in my head, I'm thinking she's got the way she's doing things. She's got her, and I'm like, but you know me. All you have to do is ask. Ask. That's all you have to do. And I and and nine times out of ten, I'll hop up. That one time I don't, I will, but I'm usually giving you a hard time about it. I'll say, like, heck no, I'm not helping you. And you're like, uh, and I'm like, just kidding. I don't think that is. I can't, I can't have you too spoiled. You're not spoiled, you're just well taken care of. Yes. But we ended up, you you kind of did uh a woo-saw, you know, moment. I didn't get mad because you got frustrated with me. I kind of was like, okay, I can see that. And then I can started to help you. I finished cleaning up and then I helped you take the rest of the ornaments down, or uh maybe three out of 120 or whatever it was. But you know, but then we were able to take the tree down, box them up, started taping, and the rest of the evening was fine.

Speaker 2 24:51

Yeah, and I think the reason why for us that didn't turn into the huge blowout that it might have been prior relationships or with other other couples is because I know you you've already demonstrated that you're you're like I said, you take ownership and you're truly I've truly feel like you're my partner in taking care of this house and taking care of this family, and that's because you I don't have to tell you everything that needs done.

Speaker 25:32

Yeah. Well, and I think the other reason why, and thank you for that, but I think the other reason why it didn't blow up any bigger is because I didn't get defensive.

Speaker 2 25:44

Yep.

Speaker 25:45

You didn't go, I'm just frustrated with you because I feel like you don't want to help. And I didn't go, well, you're right, I don't want to help, or that's not true. I'd help you if you would just say something. Oh, well, if I say something, and then all of a sudden there's that cycle, right? There's the oh my gosh, and then and then we're both stomping away, all ticked off, the tree still up, half undone, you know. But I think because I know I was in a position where I wasn't frustrated with anything, you were, but I was in a position where I was able to say, I see where she's coming from, I can understand where she's frustrated because she is kind of like struggling. Now I can see it. And yeah, let me step up and help, you know, and it was good. I think sometimes the biggest thing is I think if both of us were frustrated, that's when it's gonna happen, right? Yes, but if one of us is and the other one's not, if if we can remember not to take it personally.

Speaker 2 26:50

I was literally just thinking that.

Speaker 26:52

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, if we could literally think, she's not attacking me.

Speaker 2 26:58

Right.

Speaker 26:59

This is not about me, right? This is what's going on in her head and in her heart, and this is how it needs to be handled. So it wasn't you didn't attack me, you just kind of said how you felt, and I was like, okay, well, let me let me help you reshape that thought. Okay. And so yeah, it turned out good. The rest of the day was good, and yeah.

Speaker 2 27:27

Just so key. Just so key to remember to be have that wherewithal, that pause of this is not about me.

Speaker 27:37

Right.

Speaker 2 27:38

So how can I help?

Speaker 27:39

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I gotta remember, I mean, we gotta remember, you know, I chose you. You chose me. We're on the same team. Yes, we're partners. I don't think that you are out to get me.

Speaker 1 27:56

Right.

Speaker 27:57

I don't think that you are creating every moment of your life to figure out how you could stick it to me.

Speaker 2 28:04

Of course.

Speaker 28:05

And I don't think that you're doing the same. Right. So if we can just pause for a moment in the midst of heated feelings and remember that about each other, that that each other have the our best interest in mind, I think that that that will eliminate a lot of issues. Not to say that they're not gonna happen. And trust me, we have some funny stories about some crazy, crazy heated moments with our with ourselves. And and and as we're talking, I'm thinking of a few, and the root of all of those was an insecurity or a trigger from our previous life.

Speaker 2 28:50

Yep.

Speaker 28:50

You know, from our childhood or from our previous relationships or whatever, and that's why those fights happen. You know, it was it was those moments where we felt like the ball was about to drop, and it did, and I'm like, oh, you know, so but I don't want to give away too much. But those are those are some of the things, but but yeah, yeah. Anything else you want to talk about on that? I think that was great.

Speaker 2 29:14

Yeah, no, that was that was pretty much it.

Speaker 29:17

Awesome, very cool. Well, thank you again for spending some time with us. We are probably gonna drop every Thursday unless something happens. Yeah, listen to that. It's a tall order, but it's every Thursday. Yeah, I mean, unless people just don't like listening to us. But I think it's a hey, it's something that was on our heart, something that we wanted to do. We always wanted to say that we wanted to create something where people could see the type of relationship we have. I mean, and we want to tell people about the type of relationship we have because this is the things that we want. We hope our kids have this type of relationship, you know? We want to be the examples, and we and we pray that every relationship starting or any relationship that's been together, or any family relationship. I mean, maybe it's a a a mother or father that you've been estranged to, or sister, or a friend, or anything like that. You know, we we want to be able to share what the things that are just blowing my mind and I'm sure your mind every single time we have like a little bit of an argument or whatever. Again, like your mom says, Do you guys ever fight? Well, it's because we're we're the yes and type of relationship, right? And uh, we're just here to serve each other. Yep, yeah. So thank you again for spending time with us. If there is something from this conversation that stayed with you, we are so glad. We'll be back soon with another conversation. Until then, take care, and thank you for listening to Relations Smith. Have a good evening, bye everyone. Bye.