Why Feeling Safe Turns A House Into Home;

We explore what makes a house feel like home, and why safety, trust, and presence change everything. From towel folding to furniture moves, we show how small choices create big belonging, and how we worked through insecurity to make space where we can rest.

• listener feedback on audio and voice
• why our relationship feels “effortless” yet intentional
• defining home as safety, honesty and refuge
• why some partners avoid being home
• making each other a clear priority
• sharing space: towels, furniture, and ownership
• becoming fully yourself without performance
• girls’ trips, early insecurity and growth
• trust practices that reduce anxiety
• gratitude, faith and choosing refuge together

Transcript

Welcome Back & Listener Feedback

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Relationsmith. I'm Jamie Smith here with my wife Stacy.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

Hi guys.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

And we're back with a third episode. This is a podcast. It's a space where we share our relationship, conversations that we're having all the time, whether it be in the morning, whether it be in the evening or anytime. These are the conversations we're literally having every day. And we just wanted to share them with you. Sometimes they're a little hard, sometimes they're a little light, but always the goal is staying connected. And we kind of want to just share that with you on how we stay connected. So what's going on, hun? How's your week been so far?

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Pretty good. Pretty good. Just kind of the same old, same old. Excited to have our podcast tonight.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

All right. I almost said good times.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

That's my line. Good times.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Good times. Good times. Uh, we've gotten some really uh fun feedback on our podcast. The number one thing is that the audio is phenomenal, is from what everybody tells us.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Which is great. Glad to hear that.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

And the other is that Stacy has an NPR voice. It's just my voice.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

It's just my voice and but in a microphone.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

But in a microphone. And and trust me when I tell you, I absolutely love her voice. I tell her all the time when she's trying to. We were watching vampire diaries, and she's like, no, we have to stop. I'm like, why? She's like, I have to read you the books. I'll read you the books.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

I'm like, okay, first of all, when I was a teenager, okay, as a kid, I was an avid reader. As a teenager, that was my very favorite book was the vampire diary trilogy. And so when we decided to watch the show, I just needed you to know the real story first.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Yeah. So that's what happened there. The real fictional story.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

But yeah. Right. So, but yeah, but I can't read to you because it my voice puts you to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Every time. It is the most soothing voice. I mean, honestly, you could probably do your own podcast and talk about different things that will make people sleep well.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

I'll just start reading it.

Why This Relationship Feels Effortless

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Just yeah. People narrate a book. Yes, 100%. And by no means is that a cut on you at all. No, I know. You just have that very just it's just a very nice, subtle voice that just well, I'm glad you enjoy it. Yes, I do. I do very much, and I thank God for it every day. So, yeah. So we got some great feedback. We've got some really neat things next week or maybe the week after, we're still trying to figure it out, but we'll have a guest, which is gonna be a lot of fun. And and I don't want to put her on the spot, so I won't name her off real quick, but we we have talked to her and she said that she'll come on. We're gonna talk a little bit, probably and hopefully, she's got some questions for us, right? And she's kind of prefaced the questions. She really enjoyed the first and second episode, and she was like, Do you mind if I ask you some poignant questions from those podcasts? And we were like, Yeah, absolutely. And for full transparency, we are we want to, and and this was another thing that not to get sidetracked, but this is one of the things that we really wanted to make sure that we do. This is this is your and I conversation. This is just how we are in our relationship, right? And we feel like all the relationships from our past, whether it be boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives type of relationship, you and I have experienced a lot of different types of relationships. And for some reason, this, and I know why. I mean, this is to me, it's a god thing, you know, but it's it just clicks. I mean, everything that I've read, everything that I've been to counseling in my past, and and all the things, and this is at times effortless, and it's so amazing, you know, and and it doesn't feel like work. And one of the things that we were discussing when we were talking about doing this podcast is just the fact of how we just hope and wish and and just pray that everyone have this type of communication, right, response, trust, love in the home. And we kind of just, you know, listen, we're not professionals, we're just two experienced people that finally figured it out. And I say figured it out, we figured it out with each other.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Right. Well, yeah, w for us, and we think that there are some things that could translate across all relationships.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Absolutely.

What Home Really Means

SPEAKER_01 5:39

And um, I know definitely for me, I mean, this relationship is what I had always heard that relation relationships can be, marriage should be, and just blows my mind that you know we found each other later in life, and and it's so wonderful. And don't I don't want anybody to get us wrong. I mean, it's effortless in the sense that we love to do this together.

SPEAKER_02 6:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

But we do definitely still put in the time to do the personal work and talk through the things that we need to talk through.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Right, right. And I think, you know, and we'll talk about this at a different time, but for me, I I just gotta keep ringing this bell is the fact that man, a lot of the times if there is like a little something that goes on with us, it's probably an insecurity of mine or yours. And so anyway, I think that's very important. And and we also just want everybody to know we're we might not be everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. You might get nothing from it, and that's okay too. We're not here to offend, we're here to hopefully share some of the the really neat things that we're like. I mean, even in the beginning, it was it was like a lot of aha moments, and a lot of like, man, if I would have known that in like my issues maybe with a family member or some friends, or it would have just saved so much heartache and headache. Right, you know, and anyway, with that being said, I just want I I just I'm so thankful, you know, for this podcast, for everyone listening, and we are we're blessed and thankful.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Amen. Can I get a name, man? That was funny. All right. So he, you know, and I was thinking today w about just what the meaning of home is, you know. Oh uh it really kind of was like I was heading back home from the gym this morning and I was just thinking to myself, what does it mean, home? And what why is it that so many people say they're heading home or they have a home, but it's not home. What's your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Well, I'd love to hear what you what do you mean by home? So just it's not just the house you go to after work or that's a house. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Yeah. For me, home. Home is a place where you feel you can be your truest self. Where you feel like you don't need to put up any walls.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Agreed.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

Where like you it's a place where you can recharge, you can take refuge, and you don't have to put on a mask. You can just you can so you can be yourself.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Yeah, you can let your guard down and be yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Oh whoa, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

Relax.

When Home Doesn’t Feel Safe

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Mm-hmm. And and I think that's and you know, there's no place I would rather be. You know what I mean? I I just coming home with that whole feeling of comfort, uh recharge. I mean, you know, that's it it's just it should be stress-free. And for me, it is. Are there things some that we have to do it on the house? Are there things that yeah, yeah, yeah. But for the most part, I'm come in and just be as silly or as weird or even as grumpy at times as I can be, as I need to be, and I don't feel judged, I don't feel a certain way because I'm unwinding, I'm relaxing, recharging. And I think that as I was thinking about that on my way home, it's like why is it that some men in general, you know, and it could be any gender but or any personality, but for the most part, there's a lot of men in this world that would rather be somewhere else. Why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_01 10:49

That's a great question. And and honestly, it's been something I've been thinking about lately, right? I've heard some stories recently about just families where the men are just not really present. They're they're out with their buds a lot, gone every other weekend, going out drinking. The you know, the if the wife goes out of town, she takes the kids with her by herself some a lot of times. And it just got me thinking, why? Yeah, why does this man not prefer to be with his wife and with their family?

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

What's going on there?

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yeah, right? You think it has to do with not feeling safe or feeling like they can't be their truest self?

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. But I think that it's something that really deserves some thought and some time, some reflection.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

I feel like I just like jumped right into that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Yeah. It's all right. Yeah, we're, you know, we're just gonna go with the flow. Let it do its buzzword organically. Yeah.

Trust, Priority, And Presence

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Well, and I was thinking about, you know, you came home and you shared with me some of your thoughts, and it got me thinking. I mean, there's one something I say about you all the time, which is I absolutely 100% know that I'm your number one priority. And I absolutely 100% know that I can trust you to be faithful. Absolutely. I don't need to, you know, have all your passwords. I don't need to have you on live 360, which I do, but you know that is. Yeah, I'm concerned for your safety.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Right. I mean and I barely ever look at it. But it's not a it's not because I'm worried about where you are, who you're with. Right. You go on trips for work, I don't worry. And so it got me thinking about why is that? How did that happen? And I think to kind of circle it back to what we were talking about is because it I know there is nowhere you'd rather be.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

There's nowhere you would rather be than with me, wherever I am.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

That's it. And why do you why do you think I feel that way?

SPEAKER_01 13:50

Well, I think that's the point, right? I mean, you tell me.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

I'm just trying to get your perspective on why you think I want to be around you all the time. I want to be all around you, your presence, your your your love, your comfort.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

And I feel the same. I love I never get tired of being around you. We do and we have friend our friends. I go do girl time, you go to your men's group. It's not, I mean, it's not that we don't have friends, we do. But we're never escaping each other. Right. We never feel like we need a break from each other, we gotta get away, we just need you like five minutes without you in my space. And so, yeah, I think that's a thing that not a lot of people get to enjoy.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Yeah. And I think for me, the reason, first of all, again, some of the things that I said before about what home is. In my heart, I truly feel when I'm with you, I'm home. I feel like you give me a safe place to be my full self. You don't judge me. You don't criticize me, you don't make me feel like I'm not doing something right. You don't everything that I do for you, you don't second guess it or tell me I probably should have done it this way instead. You don't ask me to do something in the house and then say that was wrong. I should have just done it myself. And I know how you can be. There's certain things, and what I mean by that is how can I be? Well, I remember, let's see, what was it? When I first when I first moved in and we first, you know, got together, it was there were certain things that you that you had to have done a certain way. Oh, folding the towels. So I'm hor I'm not horrible at it. I can fold towels, but I would have them folded, put away in everything, and then you were like, Nope, this is not how it goes, you know, and then after a while, it was like I I kind of just was like, towels are clean, here you go.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

I don't even remember that.

From Towels To Furniture: Sharing Space

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Yeah, but now mean about it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not at not a bit, but now without you, and that was the thing. It was just in the beginning, right? As we were kind of like figuring our each other out, you know, how we are when we're together, you know, living together and doing certain things together, you know, what are the nuances? What are the things that I I kind of want my way? And what are the things that okay, maybe maybe change is fine. You know, is this a battle that I want to face? Is it something that really means something to me? And what happens if why is it mean that much, right? And what happens if it's done differently?

SPEAKER_01 17:26

You know where I thought you were going with that?

SPEAKER_00 17:28

What?

SPEAKER_01 17:29

I thought you were you were talking about when you wanted to change.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Oh, I was gonna give that. Oh, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

You wanted to change like the arrangement of the furniture or so that that was a chore in itself.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Just wanting to change something in the house was like I I almost felt like I needed to write a permission slip a and and the reasons why this might be a good idea, and then have a diagram of the way I was wanting it. And then it's a good idea, actually. And then actually, oh my gosh, don't even get me started. And and then maybe have a little signed petition from a few other people that agreed with me.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

Oh god.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

And and so I that's kind of what I was thinking that I had to do, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Well, okay, for the folks at home.

unknown 18:19

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

The oh god was her actually spilling her glass all over the place.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

There's actually wine on the table back here. Hold please. It's getting all over the computer.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

That's all right.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Pause. Anyway. Okay, so okay, but for the folks at home, I lived in this house by myself first, and then I met Jamie and he moved in here. So it was my space, and then he came into my space. I was happy to have him, but it it did take me some time to be okay with him changing the space.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

Because why? Why did I want to change certain things?

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Well, to make them better.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Oh, no, that's not the only reason. Oh, why? I mean, obviously.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

To make them your own.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

To make it feel like it was my home too.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Oh, which is completely reasonable. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

And that was my that's my thought, is that that's kind of like, you know, I lived here, you know, for I think it was about a year. And I really didn't force the issue very much.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

He was so patient, y'all. So patient.

SPEAKER_00 19:44

Yeah. It was tough though, because I mean, you know, everybody has their kind of their space or whatever. And I kind of felt like it was her space, the whole house.

SPEAKER_02 19:59

It was.

Becoming Fully Yourself In Love

SPEAKER_00 20:02

And it was like, man, okay, so then at times it just felt like I was a a visitor in your home, you know. Yeah, right. But and I know you didn't wan mean to have me feel that way, but that's kind of how it was, right? So going back to the petitions, what I would do is understandably so, I had to create this idea for her. I had to actually in picture this. I would take her in the room and like picture this. Yes. And and show her in ways what it would look like if I moved the couches this way, if I put the TV over the fireplace, if I did this, this, and this, what it would look like. And she's like, let me think about it.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Well, and you know what really did it when you would say, if you don't like it, we can put it back.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Yeah, I did.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

So I was like, I was really hoping that I didn't have to, but yes, I did say that.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

And how often did you have to put it back?

SPEAKER_00 21:08

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

I don't think I ever I don't think ever. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

It's like, but what happened was is from there, then she started going.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Okay. Yeah, I learned to trust. Yes. I learned to trust.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

Yeah. Yeah. So, but I don't know where we were going with that. I think it's just the idea of home and feeling at home, but there there is no place. She's made me feel like I am I'm safe, I'm secure, that that we're partners, and that we, you know, that I yeah, I just this is where I can be my truest self. You know, and I feel like I'm not ever like trying to be somebody else, ever. I think in my past, even when I was a teenager, I felt like I was trying to be something else, and that nobody would like me if I just was myself. And there were a lot of instances in my past where I felt like I I could not be my fullest self. And and then, you know, even my past relationships when I tried to just be myself and do some of the things or say some of the things that would come out or some of the thoughts that I'd have, I just felt like I was criticized, or I didn't feel like that I had to hide that part of me and that I just couldn't allow it to be out open. So I feel like and now in my life, that was kind of one of the things also when we were when I was dating, which is one of the funny moments of when we met online. I was on match.com before we met. And I have I was dating.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Well, we met on match.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

Yeah, we did met meet on match, and so I I was dating, and the the woman I was dating before her, man, it was like it kind of started getting a little serious, and then she backed off, right? And and she was like, You need to be single for like two years and figure it just offended me so bad because I'm like, Oh, here we go again. Somebody that doesn't like who I am. So I went online and I I changed my profile to say I am not in for one night stands, hookups, or Netflix and chill. I am in for my forever. That's what I'm looking for. If you're not it, if this is if if you if this is not what you're looking for, keep on swiping. And obviously, when she saw that.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

Well, that's that's not what today's episode is about.

Girls’ Trips, Insecurity, And Growth

SPEAKER_00 23:53

No, no, we'll definitely yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll talk more about it. We'll talk more about it. It piqued my curiosity, needless to say. Well, and then it does, it goes back to the me being myself, and I thought to myself, I'm gonna be who I am. I'm not gonna make any excuses. And if they don't like who I am, they can move on.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

I love that so much. Even even just right now hearing you say that makes my heart swell.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

Yeah. Because I felt like I have lived my whole life trying to be better. Well, not better, but trying to change who I am to fit the narrative someone else wants. And in work and personal life, and in and anything and everything.

SPEAKER_01 24:51

That's so mind-blowing to me. Anybody who knows Jamie, I have a saying, you all, nobody doesn't love Jamie.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

There's people that do no do not like me.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

No. Y'all. There's one. But nobody doesn't love Jamie. He is one of the most beautiful human beings. And I'm not the only one that says it. My friends say it too. Anyone that meets him says it. So the fact that you felt like you had to change who you are is just crazy.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I was done. But what was amazing about it is that I I thought to myself, and this is a little bit before this was the work that I did on myself, but right before I met you, I mean, I thought the place I was working at, so I'm gonna be myself. I'm just gonna, because I had felt like the person that I was hiding all of these years was a bad and evil person. I did. And then when I was working at this place, it was really cool because I was just being myself, speaking the way I speak, and acting the way I act, and I still had people coming up to me, you know, hey, can we talk? And I'm like, what do you even talk about? And they're like, Man, I'm having a rough time with this and that. And all of a sudden, it's this sharing with me, and me just kind of encouraging them and making them, you know, hope, you know, giving them some kind of hope and encouragement. And I was like, Man, so it's not me.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

You know, well, the the real you is great.

SPEAKER_00 26:56

Thank you, babe. Well, which leads to the point that I was making before is that this relationship is the first time I did not, and I don't have to prove myself to you. I don't feel like I have to. I can just be me. Kind of like Eminem. I can just be me, you know. No, not like Eminem, but I can just be me and who I am and how God created me. And and man, it's exactly what you want.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00 27:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

We both argue over who's the luckier one.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Which is beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Yeah, it is. I I am very lucky.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

And I think we've just kind of I mean, you've talked a lot about how why it feels like home to you. But I think everyone's just gotten to hear from you why it's so easy for it to feel like home to me, right? Just this supportive man. I mean just like the perfect balance of I want to be around you, but also if you need to, you know, go on your girls trip every summer, I support that.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Go. Yeah, have fun.

SPEAKER_01 28:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Because if you're not happy, you know, if you're not being able to do the things that you can do and enjoy your time, you know, identify for who you are, you know, and then because it's not like you're going to get away from me.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

This is something you did way before you and I got together. And why would I want to go in and say, no, you can't. You're not allowed to go six hours away to a beach with your girlfriends and go party and at like a single woman, which is not what happens. That's not what happens. But that's that's kind of what goes through people's heads, right? Is that you these girls' trip, you know, you go do this or a guy's trip, you go do these. Well, no, this is this is something that she has fun. It's it's she's spending time with her girlfriends. She, you know, she's halfway through the week though, she's usually going, Man, I can't wait to get back home. I miss you so much. And I'm like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

I'm having a good time though.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

Yeah, you are. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 29:24

I can miss you and have a good time. They're not mutually exclusive.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Home As A Safe Place To Exhale

SPEAKER_01 29:30

So I think just if there's some something to take out of this is just how much it means to the quality of our relationship that we trust each other, we can we make our relationship a sp a safe space to be who we really are with each other, to be honest with each other, to be honest with ourselves, yeah, to be curious about each other and what's going on. And I mean, like you said, recognizing your I mean you could you could get worried about me going on my girls' trip.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

And I I didn't in the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

Yeah, but that was your insecurity.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

100%.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

It wasn't anything I did.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Nope.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

And you realized that, and now it's not an issue.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Right. Yeah, I mean, I I gotta say, I mean, when you first went on your first that we weren't married yet. I mean, you went on your first girls' trip, and I and let me let me preface this by saying from February 2020 to no, I'm sorry, February of 21. February 2 of feb of okay of 21. Every single day we spent time together until what what when did you go on? This was in August. August when she went on that girl's trip. So there was already separation anxiety, but also our first time, it was our first time, you know, leaving each other for that extended period of time, but also there was some insecurities that I had. I had met the woman of my dreams, and I didn't want anybody to steal her from me. And it was a whole thing, and we'll talk about this on another episode, but it was a build, it was a trust builder. Yeah, you know, that first year was definitely and it wasn't a and I kept saying here, she's already laughing and rolling her eyes with this one.

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I would say I trust you, I just don't trust those guys. Which in essence, I I know saying it now sounds a little kooky, but at the same time, I'm thinking, I'm not thinking about you saying no, if some guy came on to you. I'm thinking of some guy overpowering you, drunk or whatever, wanting to have his way. And so it wasn't a matter of trusting her, but more of like, you know, thinking that you could be outmanned by someone else, and that was freaking me out because I didn't want to lose you. So, but then you know, it was it was tough, but then I started going, you know what? She's with her girlfriends, she's a tough little cookie, too.

SPEAKER_01 32:57

I made it this far, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

She she stays in places in public, you know, and it's not like she's ducking off in alleyways talking to people or anything, you know. And she's a grown, and I'm gonna say this, she's a grown-ass woman. That's right, and yeah, she's not gonna sit there and take any crap from nobody, right? Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

I'm gonna be smart about the situations I'm putting myself into so that that couldn't happen.

SPEAKER_00 33:29

That's right. That's right. And I I had to learn that. And uh it was good times.

SPEAKER_01 33:39

Do we throw it in enough? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:42

Good times. Uh yeah, yeah. So, with all that being said, we're home. Yeah. And I think that's for me the biggest thing is the reason I want to be home is because that is when I can take off all of the guards and let them all down. And I can feel my truest self.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

Yep, I agree.

unknown 34:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

So I feel the same. Being home for me is being with you is home. I can relax and well, it's a little different just because I feel like I can be taken care of, allow myself to be taken care of.

SPEAKER_00 34:28

Yeah, and I do.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

You do, you're so wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Well, thank you so much again for spending time with us. If there is something from this conversation that resonated with you, we are so glad. And and we just hope and pray that you guys will come back and hang out with us again, listen to our silly conversation, and we just yeah, that's what I got. Well, signing off, and thanks for listening to Relations Smith. Um have a wonderful night.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Bye, guys.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Bye.