Valentine's Day: Study Your Partner, Not The Calendar

We trace Valentine’s Day from childhood rituals to adult pressure, then make the case for everyday care over one-day spectacle. Love languages, small acts, and honest questions become the tools that keep connection steady without the commercial hype.

• commercialization inflating expectations and disappointment
• evolution from school valentines to grand gestures
• everyday rituals that reduce pressure
• studying your partner’s needs and preferences
• practical use of love languages without dogma
• asking clearly when unsure and answering kindly
• repair when history and hurt are present
• tone, gratitude and reframing small frictions
• choosing genuine acts over Hallmark scripts

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Transcript

Welcome & Purpose Of The Show

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Welcome to Relation Smith. I am Jamie Smith here with my gorgeous wife, Stese.

SPEAKER_03 0:14

Hey everyone. This podcast is a space where we share our relationship and the conversations we're having. Sometimes about hard things, sometimes about lighter ones. Always with the goal of staying connected.

Valentine’s Day Skepticism

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Staying connected. Well, this weekend is Valentine's weekend. I mean the Super Bowl of love. Okay. That is actually very I'm being very sarcastic. I am not a fan per se of Valentine's Day. And I guess that's my own personal thing about it. It's not about that I don't like love. Obviously, I'm married to this awesome woman, so I know a little bit about love. But I think that it's a little overplayed, overcommercialized. And I and for me personally, I feel like it's one of those things that it's it's it's a young person's game, really.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_02 1:16

Well, Valentine's Day is and I was thinking about this earlier today, is that Valentine's Day we started doing it in what grade school, right? So I remember way back in the day, um teen years ago, my mom would go to the store, she'd buy this little box that had all these little Valentine's cards in them. And sometimes they had little candies or whatever, and and we would fill it out to all the students in our class.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Right.

Commercialization And Disappointment

SPEAKER_02 1:54

And I'm like, I don't want to give it to George, you know. But it was like, it was one of those things where it was kind of like it's for love, it's it's just to kind of like show people you love them and stuff. And I'm like, I still don't want to give it to that guy, you know, or whatever. So and then it kind of graduated where my mom was like, hey, so is there somebody in particular you want to give a Valentine to? And I'm like, oh yeah. And I give it all the girls in my class and I wouldn't get any back. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make this a violin type of situation, but I was not a cute kid. That's ridiculous. I I mean, yes, my mama loved me. I mean, that's she's about it. My grandmama. But you know, uh and just all that aside, but one of the things is that I feel like you start at a young age, you'll start learning the aspects of what Valentine's is, and it's kind of like sharing love with people, and then it graduates into like middle school, like upper grade school, middle school, and you start, it's about the person you you have that crush on or that puppy love, and and you're like, oh, so what do I do? Oh, let's let's get uh flowers or candy or let's oh I know let's spend some money, the hard-earned chore money that I made, and let's go buy her a pendant with her name. I'm dating myself right now.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Oh you could I think people are going to start creating bingo cards. And one of the squares will be when you date yourself, and one of the squares will be when I lose my train of thought.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

For real. Well, I don't think you'll lose your train of thought. I'm gonna I'm gonna try to hope. I'm gonna I'm gonna hope that you will this one. But I'll never stop dating myself anyway. So then you go on and you know, as uh Valentine's Day, you tr make a big spectacle sometimes when you get to high school. It's like, you know, this big flower display or some something. I've seen these things, I've never actually done these things.

SPEAKER_03 4:20

Do you did you see it when you were in high school or do you feel like now?

SPEAKER_02 4:24

No, I saw it in high school.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was it was a one and done. It was like you knew the people that were gonna do it. They're the popular kids that always did it and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

And all of us would sit back and like at my high school, they did holiday grams.

SPEAKER_02 4:41

What is that? I want a gram.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Right. You want a gram. So it was like a fundraiser that the uh student government did.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

And you could buy your holiday grams ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Right.

The “One-Day Romance” Trap

SPEAKER_03 4:54

And they're usually really inexpensive, like a dollar or whatever. And then you could whatever the gram was, if it was a rose or a lollipop or whatever, and then they would deliver it on Valentine's Day to the person you bought it for. In your class? In in class, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 5:09

Yeah, I don't think I ever got a holiday gram. Which is sad. That hurts.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

That is kind of sad because you're a gorgeous woman. And man, those boys were dumb. That's all I gotta say. And you know what? More power to them because it just made you love me even more. Uh and I and appreciate me all the more.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

I do.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

But so you then you get to high school, you have all of these grandios type of expectations. Expectations, right? And then you get into the college, and and it's still kind of that thing, you know. And but the idea, I feel, is like this learn it type of situation where you're you're learning how to show love to someone. And I think I like the aspect of Valentine's because it's it's kind of like it's setting a day where you are going and sacrificing, whether it your paycheck, whether it your time and effort, whatever it is, you're sacrificing that for someone you're claiming, quote unquote, to love. And it's kind of like this exhibition of, you know, love stories. So you you know, and and you see it a lot in these rom-coms and things of that sort, or in these different shows and these movies. I mean, we just watched one of our favorite shows is The Rookie, and we were watching it the other day, and it was a whole episode basically about Valentine's, you know. And you know, we watch other shows like New Girl, all about Valentine's when it comes up, you know, and and just any any sitcom or even drama, you know, type drama. Even I remember we I don't know if how long ago it was, but we watched an episode of CSI way back in the day, and they had a Valentine's Day special. Sure. You know, trying to figure out who murdered the person that was wearing a you know Cupid costume.

Be A Student Of Your Partner

SPEAKER_03 7:14

Well, I remember you s you were saying though that it's what it is about Valentine's Day that you don't like is how it's become commercialized.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:23

And I the thing I feel like is unfortunate about Valentine's Day is there's just so much opportunity for disappointment. Right. Like to kind of to your point, the commercialization of it creates this expectation, and when the expectation's not met, there's disappointment. And it and I feel like that doesn't mat it doesn't matter. There's almost no scenario where someone's not disappointed, right? Like either if you're single, it feels like it feels like this sucks. I I don't have a a significant other. Right. If even if you're with a significant other, if they don't live up to whatever commercialized expectation that's been set, then people can feel disappointed.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 8:14

So yeah, but just the concept of Valentine's Day itself is not right.

Everyday Acts Over Grand Gestures

SPEAKER_02 8:20

And and I guess that's where I'm going with that. Yeah. Is it has become uh oh, and that's with the evolution that I'm talking about, right? So you get to the college and then you get married, and you know, you it's this honeymoon phase, you're always in love, and then it's like this day is gonna be even more grandiose, right? It's like, okay, where are we gonna go? Where are you gonna take me to dinner? Or where, you know, are you gonna do this and that? And so, which is great, it's fine, and but then as you're you get later in life, I feel like sometimes it becomes a cop-out. And what I mean by that is that so it's and guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say something, I'm probably you're probably gonna go, dang, he's on to me. It becomes the excuse to only be romantic, the only day to be romantic, and sometimes the whole year leads up to that day.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

Really? Yeah, huh? Well, I know I have heard not to said to me specifically, but I have heard multiple people tell the story of hearing their guy say, Well, why do I need a special day to show you I love you?

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Oh, I say that.

SPEAKER_03 9:50

You do say that.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

I wasn't gonna Is that how I sound?

SPEAKER_03 9:54

Well, you said that, but you're not the only one.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I feel like it's it's sometimes a setup where you are like, okay, this this is be the day that I'm actually gonna be romantic. So you plan a day, you plan dinner, you g give her ro uh, you know, flowers, roses are the go-to, right? And chocolates or jewelry or something. And I and I'm not saying those things are bad. Right. Some women appreciate those things. Some women are like, do you not know me?

SPEAKER_03 10:34

True.

Love Languages In Practice

SPEAKER_02 10:35

And I feel like I've I feel like as you grow in a relationship, one of the things that you need to do is be a constant study of your partner. That is something I think is very well intricate. Yeah. I mean, because I think it's very important, right? Have I always been that way? Absolutely not. Have I learned how to be that way? Absolutely. And I think that very encouraged in our relationship to want to do that, you know, but just just because of the way you serve me, you know, and and the way, you know, I'm I'm very appreciative of you and the way that you you just you you know, you just know how to take care of me. And and and I thank God that that's a learned thing from you as well, you know, because if you were like this with any previous relationship, I probably never been in this relationship because you'd have been perfect for someone else.

SPEAKER_03 11:41

I do think you you taught me what you needed.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Yeah. Well, and I think that that is something, and in a relationship as you grow, it's not about those things, it's about what is it that they truly need. They truly want. I mean, because again, think of the mom that's at home, and and you know, and I'm not trying to stereotype anything, because I but I know there are guys that are in the same position. They're at home taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, doing the things, and and the other person is making the money, doing the doing all the bills and taking on all the financial stress of the home while the other one is taking on all the physical stress of the family. Sometimes I feel like that might be an opportunity to say, hey, what can I do for you? You know, or vice versa. I mean, granted, that person might not be able to do the finances or take on some of that stress, but what is it that they want? And I think that's where we have to have that honest conversation. What is it that you really need? You know, you know, we talk about communication a few episodes back about you know, having that safe space, but not just and and listen, ladies, I'm here to tell you, I'm not guys are not going to get it unless you say it.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

You know, don't act like, well, he should have known. I was talking to you about this the other day. I used to hear this in my past, my previous life, you know, and not not from not from my ex or anything like that. I've actually heard it well.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Other people share it.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Other people share their experience. And one of the things is that, you know, I heard it in a Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn movie. I can't remember the name of it. It's about oh, it's called the breakup. And he says, Well, I did this for you. She's like, I didn't want you to do it for me. I wanted you to want to do it for me. Remember, I brought this up the other day, and you were like, I don't know if I've ever and I'm like, Yes, that's it's like well, it can't be an assumption, right?

SPEAKER_03 14:09

Yeah, but I think what's what's underneath that is I don't want to feel like it's a chore for you to do this for me. Right. That doesn't that doesn't take the stress off of me because now you're stressed and and so I'm stressed that you're stressed, and so I might as well just do it.

Touch And Acts Of Service Dynamics

SPEAKER_02 14:28

You just get in there and do it yourself, right? Right? So you just and but and that's and that's the idea is if you're gonna celebrate Valentine's Day, guys and girls, don't don't just don't just do the chocolate and flowers and blah blah blah.

unknown 14:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

Unless that's the unless that is what you want, right? Unless that's what they want.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

Unless that's what makes you feel special. But what you really need to do is find out what they really want. They might want a really nice cooked dinner. And if you can't do it, order out, bring it home, and set it up nice. You know what I mean? I mean, that that that'll get you a pass, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:17

So are you ready for Valentine's Day? Hell no.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

No, you get Valentine's Day every single day of your life.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Now you you do get to say, you do get to say that. You do get to say, I don't need a s I don't need one day a year to show you I love you. Because you do a great job of showing that me that every day.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Well, thank you, my dear.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

And so I don't feel like if if Valentine's Day comes and goes and all I get is a happy Valentine's Day and a kiss, I don't feel slighted.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

It worked, folks. I'm telling you, it works. Which is good because But I gotta tell you, in the back of my mind, I'm still going, gosh, I hope I don't disappoint her. I hope you know, because I I don't have anything planned. I I I sit here.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

Especially after I do have to say, our first Valentine's Day.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

I actually did something.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

You did such an extravagant such an extravagant day. And it wasn't extravagant. It was only two that we knew each other. Yeah, but I got I got a massage, I got a bubble bath, I got dinner, I got flowers, I got perfume, and I was like, man, you are setting yourself up for failure.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

I was giving you a glimpse of what every day would be like.

SPEAKER_03 16:44

You're not gonna be able to top this next year.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yeah, no, and I and I haven't really tried. Yeah, I haven't really, no, it yeah, definitely. No, but and in all seriousness, and yes, but I have I've worked, I well, I don't want to say I've worked hard because honestly taking care of you and loving you has been the easiest thing for me. Because what I've done is I've become a student of Stacy Smith. I've graduated studying at the Stacy University, and I'm learning all about her. Right now I'm I'm in my bachelor's degree of Stacy.

SPEAKER_03 17:26

You had that already, I thought you were working on your master's.

Rituals: Coffee, Blinds, Daily Care

SPEAKER_02 17:29

I might have my doctoran. I think I'm going for the the what's what's higher? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 17:35

It goes bachelor's, master's, and doctorate.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

Oh, yeah. I don't have the master's, I'm working on that one. Okay, but the idea is to study each other.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Right? And and that's what I wanted to do. I knew that getting into a relationship again, I wanted to do things different. And I wanted to find somebody that would accept me for who I am, check. I wanted somebody to not judge me and love me where I'm at, check. And what that's done is it's caused this environment for me to be able to thrive and how I want to love her. And I just love her the way I hope she loves to be loved, and it's been working out pretty good.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Yeah. Somehow for us, okay, I think it might be appropriate to talk about love languages, right? Like I feel like that's a pretty well-known concept, right? Absolutely. The five love languages.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

Yeah, actually, you saw me probably looking around. I was like, I was like, I was I I know I've seen that book in this. It's right there.

SPEAKER_03 18:47

Where? It's that right there on the end of the show.

SPEAKER_02 18:49

Oh, yeah. I'm not wearing my glasses today, so I wasn't, but yeah, yeah. So we got the oh, she's handing me her little specs. Let me see. Yeah, so the love languages. Yeah, by Gary Chapman. Now I used to teach this back in the day to students, and there were a lot of good stuff out of it. But what were you saying?

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Well, I would it's just it's an interesting concept. I don't know that it it's the end all be all, but I think it is interesting to kind of get a sense of what what means love to you.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Right.

Genuine Acts Over Hallmark Scripts

SPEAKER_03 19:28

And what mean what means love to your significant other is not always the same thing, and that's sometimes helpful to know. But so for some reason between you and I, and I I have to admit, I don't really know how this happened just yet, but we don't have the same primary love language. No, but you have just somehow naturally gravitated towards uh doing the things that are in my love language, which my primary is acts of service, and you do that all the time, which in turn makes it very easy for me to do your your primary love language is a physical touch. Right. So it's like they you do that, you do acts of services makes me want to physically touch you, and then me physically touching you makes you want to do more acts of service.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Which is amazing too, because you know, and we're we're not we're talking like guys, we're and I say guys because we're the culprit for this, I'm talking like non-sexual type of acts of service, touch, or any of those things. I mean, the love languages are words of affirmation, quality, time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. And I man, I haven't done the test in forever, but I could tell you, and then she pretty much nailed it, is that physical touch is mine, but it's not even a sexual thing for me. Gosh, and what I mean by natural, I could be sitting on the on on the couch watching TV, and you just come up and you and I just entangle our legs and everything while we're still watching TV, and you're practically on my hip.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

I am.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Yeah, I sit right on your hip or watching TV. Yeah, and but I'm not saying come here. Well, I do if you're sitting a little far away and I'm looking at you like, Did I did I make you mad?

SPEAKER_03 21:35

Yeah. I mean, because we have that that habit of doing that. So now if I don't do it, you you look at me like, are you mad at me?

SPEAKER_02 21:43

That's like when I smack your butt.

SPEAKER_03 21:46

What?

SPEAKER_02 21:47

Yeah, I've smacked your butt so much now. You're like, if I if I want money, don't do it.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

You don't do it, I'm like, are you mad at me? That's true, that's true.

Repairing When There’s History

SPEAKER_02 21:58

But it's one of those. Things where the physical touch, it's just I'll even look at her, and and there's no sexual like tension or anything like that. We're just watching a show, she'll be just loving up on me on my hip, you know, and she's practically sitting on me or whatever, and it's not even phasing me. And then I'll just sometimes it just hits me, and I'll be like, Man, uh my tank is overflowing right now, you know, and then but there's nothing really there. That is you, and it might be natural, like you said, it might just be how it is just kind of all come into place, but that is that is you studying me and getting to know me, and that to me, you we could sit on the couch all friggin' day, and you could sit right next to me, and I would be totally content.

SPEAKER_03 22:55

Yeah, you are, and be happy. Well, and I like I said, you taught me that that's what matters to you because I mean from our second date, on our second date, right, and it has been this way ever since, when we went out to dinner, you wanted me to sit on the same side of the table with you.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

Yep. And you know, you know, customarily when people go out on dates and stuff like that, they sit, you know, kind of like what we're doing in our podcast. We we've got it set up where we're literally facing each other. But for some reason, I was like, you know what? I don't like that. I want you right next to me.

SPEAKER_03 23:34

Yeah. So, and uh, you know, like I said, it's it's been that way ever since. So that was one of the ways that you taught me what, you know, your love language.

SPEAKER_02 23:46

And then for you, acts of service. I remember early on in our marriage, or actually dating.

SPEAKER_03 23:52

Yeah, I was gonna say it had to be before.

SPEAKER_02 23:53

Yeah, dating. You know, one of the things, my first experience of meeting your father.

SPEAKER_03 24:02

Talk about trial by fire.

Asking Clearly, Answering Kindly

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Oh boy, let me tell you. He was installing French doors in her office when I and I was coming over, and she she kind of warned me. She's like, hey, you know, my dad's here, and he's working on my office, putting some doors in. Do you want to help? And I was like, Yeah, I'll be there.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

Which is, by the way, my dad's love language. So uh that was a little intentional. He wanted to endear you to him.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

What's his love language? Quality time, quality time, yeah. I love your dad, he's so cool. Yeah, and so I came over, you know, and I started helping him, you know, and you know, I I just kind of was like, getting my hands dirty, get in there, let's let's do this, let's figure this out. He was actually asking my opinion on different things, and I'm like, I hate to tell you, doors are not my forte. I've hung some really strange-looking doors. And and you know, it was really neat, but what I saw from you is this appreciation for the work he was doing and that I was helping. And the more that we were together, the more I noticed when I do stuff for you, you're so appreciative.

SPEAKER_00 25:23

So appreciative.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

You know, I I would I could see it, I could feel it. You would vocalize it about how appreciated you were, and what's one of the main things I do for you that you absolutely love? And I have been doing it from the start.

SPEAKER_03 25:39

I'll make my coffee every morning.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Every morning.

SPEAKER_03 25:42

Every morning.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

Every morning.

SPEAKER_03 25:44

In fact, I just asked you recently, like, are you getting tired of doing that? It's been five years of making my coffee every morning.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:51

I mean, to the point where actually I can't She can't do it herself. I can't. Well, I can do it myself.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

You are Starbucks.

Tone, Triggers, And Small Frictions

SPEAKER_03 26:02

I do have to get you to leave me the instructions. This is true. But also, but in my defense, if I did try to do it myself, you would be offended.

SPEAKER_02 26:18

I would be so offended if you tried to make it yeah. Well, and that's the thing. I I remember when I first made your coffee, and I guess this and and I'll say it, but I won't say it. But you didn't make it. No, I didn't. You didn't make it. I had it already. Yeah, you already that's how I started. Is I had this Keurig, I had it all set up, and I had the creamer, I had her coffee mug, and then I had the little K the pay um cake. I want to say K-pod. K cup. K Cup. I don't know why I'm trying to say K-pod, but okay. And I'd have it all ready in there and everything set up. And then all she had to do is when she got up, she'd go over, look, and she'd be like, uhwh. And I remember I did that the first, was it the first time I did it?

SPEAKER_01 27:09

Probably, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:10

And I got a text message. I freaking love you. And I was like, wait, what? Yes, yes, and it just it made me feel so good. That was such good affirmation that now it's like that is my goal. That's my first goal in life on how to take care of you in the morning. Is I want you to have the best cup of coffee in the morning. And I trust me. Now, my our daughter-in-law, she says I'm like a potion master. A potion master, because she watched me like putting together. It's it is evolved into something like completely crazy.

SPEAKER_03 27:52

Yeah, because now it's like creamer and protein.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

I got a measuring cup, I got this and that, and I'm putting all these in, a little dash of this, a little this and this, and mix it up and I like my coffee really hot. So she likes it molten lava hot.

SPEAKER_03 28:06

So yeah, so every morning you make my coffee and you open the blinds.

SPEAKER_02 28:10

And I open the blinds. I open the blinds, because I know that's something that you used to really love, and and you still love, but but one of the things is you would get up to do your devotions, and that was so important to you. And I wanted you to have that moment where you could get up, take your coffee, be able to just, you know, look outside and meditate if you needed to and do your devotions. And I knew that was important to you, so I wanted to do that, and so that's what I did. And that's that's kind of where I'm going at with this whole learning, you know, and studying your person, right? Is is it shouldn't just be a chore, it should be something you're striving to do to make the other person happy. Because I'm telling you, fellas, it comes out, it comes back. Don't expect it to, but it does come back around. And I'm not just talking about that right now. I'm talking about I'm talking about in every aspect because what happens is you start to study her, she starts to study you. You start giving her, she starts giving you. And listen, this is what we learned because we have a new relationship. I mean, we're five years old in our relationship, so theoretically we're new and compared to some other marriages out there, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:44

But okay, but it's so it's so much easier to give back when when you're making the effort to make sure that my needs are met, it's so much easier. Like now I have capacity to look to meet your needs.

SPEAKER_02 30:06

Right.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

I mean, mind-blowing concept, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:11

And that's the idea, right? Yeah, I'm taking stuff off of your shoulder for you to be able to go through life a little easier, and what that does is it frees up that moment for you to be able to give you something and free you up from something.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

And take some stress off, or whatever it is. So, in all essence, the idea I think about Valentine's Day, from my perspective, it's not something that we're supposed to continually do as a day. As an obligation, as an obligation or an expectation set for whatever Hallmark decides to throw at you.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Ugh.

SPEAKER_02 30:56

Yeah. See, I knew I freaking loved this woman. No, but son, in all seriousness, and nothing against Hallmark. I mean, if you love it, you love it. Okay, good. We're just not a family of Hallmark people. But but if you were to actually record our life, it would be a Hallmark movie. No, no, it wouldn't. No, it would not. Hallmark would be like, nah, yeah, that y'all are too good for us.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

Aww. That's not what I was thinking. We're we maybe cuss too much about it.

SPEAKER_02 31:28

We might be rated our version of the Hallmark, yeah. But anyway, is that we're supposed to graduate from this day, and and that's why I went through the evolution of from grade school through adult life. Is that the idea it is it is an idea of how to learn how to show someone you love them. And I think that once you get to a point where like we are in our lives, it should not be a card saying, Will you be my Valentine? It should be an act of love, whether it be the the love languages, that's a great place to start. But it needs to be an act of love that is genuine and from the heart, and that you use your thoughts and your mind to be smart about it. Common sense, right?

SPEAKER_01 32:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:35

Oh, I absolutely agree. Uh the thought that just jumped to my mind is okay, what does a guy do if he's just not sure?

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Ask.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

Ask.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

Ask.

SPEAKER_03 32:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

Ask. And listen, I'm the first to tell you. There are relationships out there that are probably past that. Past it to a point where I think that you need there's some building that needs to be done, some repairing. Right? Okay. So it's not just something where if you've already had this friction in your life and something's been growing and you're already seeking counseling and things like that. It's it this is something that is learned, right? And that's what I was saying in the beginning is that you know, you learned me, I learned you. And if it bec if it is this constant struggle to figure out what the other person needs because of a laundry list of just hurts that have happened between you and your spouse, you and your significant other, if there's that going on, that's a great place to start. But sometimes you might not receive the answer you're looking for, and so it takes repair. You're gonna have to go through and and go through the repairing, go through the and and submit to each other.

SPEAKER_03 33:59

I mean, it it's it sounds easier said than done, and it is but I think there's something to be said for just like I don't if if that's the case, if you have if your relationship is at a point where it's needing repair, I think there's something to be said for hey, I know this doesn't fix everything, right, but I'd like to do XYZ something to maybe start to change the momentum of our relationship in the right direction. It's Valentine's Day. What can I do for you?

SPEAKER_02 34:43

I think it's a great start. Great start. And I think the receiver of that question, whether it be the man or the woman, right needs to be Okay, he's coming he or she's coming at me with this question.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

Hopefully.

SPEAKER_02 35:03

Let's let's put our pride aside. Our hurt aside. And let's let's let's answer civil civilly. Let's answer genuinely You know.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

I mean that's ideal, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

It's ideal. Ideal, but it's a place to start.

SPEAKER_03 35:33

Yeah, and I think when you approach it that way, that's the most likely response you're gonna get, but no guarantees.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

No guarantees. But you gotta start somewhere. Yeah. I mean, we can keep on keeping on status quo, doing the same thing. But you know, I we were we talked about this a long time ago. This wasn't on a podcast. This is you and I talking about you know, breaking the sins of the father type of thing, you know, and the patterns of life. And you know, we can keep going through those type of emotions, but eventually, if you want to see change, change will happen when you change something. Yeah. When something's different happens.

SPEAKER_03 36:20

You can only change yourself.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Right.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

So I have a question for you.

SPEAKER_02 36:24

I have a question for you.

SPEAKER_03 36:26

Is this your alligator? So the other day I said to you, Can you take this off? Can you take what this one piece of paper off my desk? And you kind of had this like little like.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Yeah, because I thought to myself, dang, what else you want me to do? But I was, yeah, it I think it was the way you worded it, you know. You were like, I just need you to do this one thing. Oh, yeah, I did say that.

SPEAKER_03 37:07

One just do this one thing, and you were like, that's a one thing.

SPEAKER_02 37:11

I just kind of sat back and I was like, I turned my desk around, my chair around. I was like, one thing.

SPEAKER_03 37:18

That's one thing.

SPEAKER_02 37:19

Just one thing.

SPEAKER_03 37:20

Which is why I rephrased too.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

She had to rephrase it because she knew. And that was the thing. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I swear on my life, I don't rub it in her face of how much I do around the house. I don't. This is true. I do it, I do it with love, I do it with pride, I do it with sacrifice, and and she will never hear me going, This is true, this is true, you know, walking around the house and all puffy and whatever. But this, the way she came at me, you came at me in this way that I was like, who what? Let's rewind and let's start over.

SPEAKER_03 38:08

Yeah, so I rephrased two. Can you take this one piece of paper off my desk? Did that feel better?

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Because of the the sting from the first thing, it was a little tough to take. But I didn't I didn't bite, you know. I just kind of I just kind of was like, all right, you want to rephrase that? You want to kind of reframe that whole line of uh inquiry. Which I get. I mean, there are a lot of things that she takes care of when it comes to you know the like the administration aspect of our lives. Yeah. And and so when she brought that to me, I was like, Yeah, I was I was I was taken. I was taken for a minute, but I was like, okay, I know it's not coming out the way she and I know the moment you said it and I looked at you, you were kind of like, oh crap.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

I know I live in constant fear that you're gonna realize how much you do around the house.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

No, no, no, no, no. Not really. No. But yeah, that that was kind of funny.

SPEAKER_03 39:13

That was that was that was but you knew also that day, that day I was having a day.

SPEAKER_02 39:18

Yeah, you were having a day. I was having a day. Yeah. I can't remember what it was.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

That was the day I came home and was like, I'm so oh my gosh, that was a funny day.

SPEAKER_02 39:29

Oh my gosh. She comes in like somebody done made her mad. And it wasn't anything really, it's just that she she had this anxiety that was built up in her for some reason. And uh, we talked about it on the couple of things.

SPEAKER_03 39:47

It might have been too much coffee, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Something, but it was funny because what happened? I'm sitting here just plugging along at my desk, and I hear her come in, and I hear a door shut, and then I hear some other things going on, and I'm like, Oh, she sounds like she's on a little rampage. So, and I'm sitting there, and I'm like, and she comes upstairs, and the first thing out of her mouth, I'm sorry, really short right now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but everything's annoying me. Yeah, like am I the only one that shuts the pantry door? Am I the only one? And da da da. And I'm just sitting there like a little bit. Yes, don't you want to do honey?

SPEAKER_03 40:29

Don't y'all, don't you just have those days some days where you're just like, everything is just for no particular reason. Yeah. Am I the only one that shuts the freaking pantry door? Am I the only one that ever I'm sitting there, I'm taking it.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

I'm taking it. I'm taking it like a champ. I'm just quiet because I know I'm like, I'm thinking to myself, and the last time she drank too much coffee, she said, you said what? Oh, you're gonna say it.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

First of all, that was not the last time. The first time that was the first time I ever drank too much caffeine, too much coffee was very early in our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:13

And I said to him, I'm questioning our whole relationship.

SPEAKER_02 41:18

And I didn't even do anything wrong. I think I was breathing or something. I I don't know. I think I was breathing in a way that she didn't care for.

SPEAKER_03 41:26

You were yeah, you were literally taking a nap, and I was like, I don't know about this.

SPEAKER_02 41:32

I remember sneezing three times, and she looked over at me, she goes, That's it. That's all you get. That's all you get. But seriously, it was so funny. So anyway, the I the so she comes up, she does all her little, you know, like tantrum or whatever, and I took it or whatever. And then that's when you walked over to the paper and said that. And I just kind of was like, Okay, we're done with that. Yeah. Well, that I think that's the idea, right? Is is and you did take it.

SPEAKER_03 42:07

You took the paper. I took it. You dealt with it.

SPEAKER_02 42:09

I dealt with it. I don't and I was I didn't have a problem with it, it was just the way you came at me about it. Yeah, you know, and I was like, Yeah, I'll do it when I'm ready, basically. So, but it's already taken care of, it's already done. So, anyway, we just want to say happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there, and man, we just uh we thank you so much for joining us today. We appreciate, man, just all the followings and all the listens, the downloads. We again we're just we're just thrilled that we could do this, and we just hope and pray that anything that we talk about, hopefully you can take some of these nuggets with you and be able to apply it to your life. That is our heart, that's our goal, that's what we want. And so we just thank you again. Thank you for joining us at Relationsmith. Don't forget to follow us, like us, and check us out on Spotify and Alpha Podcast.

SPEAKER_03 43:09

Yeah, and hopefully soon to come YouTube.

SPEAKER_02 43:11

Oh boy, see that's a lot of pressure, and maybe some video podcast. Yeah, we're thinking about that in the next few weeks. So, anyway, thank you again for joining us. We really appreciate it. Uh, and have a fantastic weekend.

SPEAKER_03 43:28

Bye, everyone.

SPEAKER_02 43:29

Bye, mm-hmm.