When An Epiphany From Heated Moments Create Growth

We unpack two arguments that look small on the surface but hide bigger fears underneath: a driveway backout that triggered respect and control, and a dessert‑time spat about containers that exposed embarrassment and unmet needs. We leave with language, cues, and a simple question to find the root faster and repair with more care.

• the difference between content and meaning in conflict
• how triggers from the past color present tone
• why “calm down” and fast apologies backfire
• modeling conflict and repair for adult kids
• using curiosity to find the root before fixing
• when humor heals and when it humiliates
• phrases that pause escalation and restore safety
• agreeing on space, timing, and follow‑up
• turning “won’t let it go” into “still finding the root”

Check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or just check out our website. Instagram, follow us on Instagram, check us out. We do little sound bites on there, and yeah, so you can kind of get a little quick preview of what's gonna happen

Transcript

Laughter, Setup, And Intent

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I can't help it. I'm sorry. Welcome to Relationsmith. I am Jamie. This is my beautiful and so funny wife, Stacy.

SPEAKER_03 0:22

Hi everyone. This podcast is a space where we share our relationship and the conversations we're having. Sometimes about hard things, sometimes about lighter ones, but always with the goal of staying to connected.

Naming The Core Issue: Triggers

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Staying connected. She was making making fun of me because we laugh before every episode because we're talking about something and whatever. And when I start it, I always start when I'm laughing. So it sounds like I'm doing it on purpose. Like I'm like, ha ha ha ha, as the music are coming in. So I'm like, all right, all right, all right. All of a sudden she's like, watch, I'm gonna laugh. And then she held it as long as she could, and then once the music stopped, she was like, I couldn't hold it anymore. That's great. That's great. Well, today we're gonna talk about some things that as of lately has affected us. This past Wednesday we had a little spat and kind of want to talk about that, but we kind of want to talk about the some of the things that have been are hidden inside of us that cause us to react the way that we do sometimes to each other. Knowing how we feel about each other, knowing that we think the best of each other, there are those times that we still react in a way that is uncharacteristic.

SPEAKER_02 1:46

That's a perfect word. Uncharacteristic.

The “Driveway” Fight Begins

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Yeah. So there's an a time, and we'll get to what happened this past Wednesday, but I think I think we should start off with the this one spat that we had, and I alluded to it like I think in the second episode. I think the first episode you were Yeah, I think it was the first one. Yeah. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

I would not call that a spat.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

That was that probably so mark history.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Let's mark the history spat or heated passionate argument. Passionate discourse that we had ever gotten into in the five years that we've been together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

I could think of one other that was up there.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Yeah, yeah, but I think that that that solved itself pretty quick.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

This one did not.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

Well, and this one was over something so dumb.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

Dumb.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

I mean, uh for as big of as big as the fight was over the as stupid as the thing was. But it's just like you said in an earlier episode, if you're fighting we what you said was if you're fighting about this how the socks get folded, yeah, it's not really about the socks.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Right.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Right?

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Right, right, right. So this is definitely well and and the thing is it's about it's about things that this is why we talked about in a few episodes prior, about talking to each other, being open with each other, because sometimes if you don't, it starts building up. And this is one of those moments where I don't think it was building up, but it was something from my past, something from your past. So we both had huge triggers in this. They were on completely different sides of the spectrum. And but we both got so heated by a situation. You want to tell them the situation, or do you want my perspective? Okay, I'll go and we'll have different perspectives. There's always there's always the thing, right? Your story, my story, and the truth. So somewhere there we'll find out.

One-Lane Driveway, Big Emotions

SPEAKER_03 4:08

So we were we had we have a weekly family dinner night.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

And usually the kids come over here, but on this particular week they were house sitting. And they were house sitting for a family with whom when we first moved here we had lived with for for a few months. And so it was a location, a home I knew well. Yeah, I had lived there for a few months.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

And this was pre-me.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

Oh yeah. Yeah. Way before Jamie. And yeah, that's important. I'm glad you said that. Yeah. Jamie had not lived there.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

I've never met these people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:52

But but I had. And so they have it a driveway that is very difficult to navigate.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

It is kind of the weirdest driveway I've ever seen. And it's not like it's so funky, but it it does this S shape from the road to the in front of the house to the park. Past the house and then around.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

Yeah. Yeah, that is weird how it comes.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

Yeah, it's because normally it comes from the road to the garage. To the garage.

SPEAKER_03 5:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

This doesn't even go to a garage. Or I don't know, I'd never noticed a garage on the side.

SPEAKER_05 5:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

But it comes in and it does a S.

SPEAKER_05 5:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

You know, and curves in front of the house and then curves to the side of the house on his driveway. Now, here's the important thing. It's only it's barely big enough for one vehicle.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Oh yeah, it's only one car wide.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

One card wide.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

And when you enter it uh from the road, it's between these two brick.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Yeah, it's like a culvert. You go over a culvert.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

Yeah. So, and then you and then you go around. Okay, so all this is set up for it. And then when you get to the car pad area, if there are cars parked there, you can't even back around. You can't turn around. There's no turning around.

SPEAKER_03 6:16

But we didn't even pull that far in, did we? I feel like we parked.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

I pulled right into the front of the house.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Yeah, we just parked right in front of the house.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:23

And we're in a a rather rather large pickup truck.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

I got this big old Dodge Ram Rebel. Right. And yeah. So I think that that driveway's built for motorcycles.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

So we so we go, okay, so that's the setting, y'all. And it and it's also it we're we're leaving. We've had dinner. We're leaving, we're getting in the car, we've got, and we we also had our youngest with us.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

Yeah. He went bike riding and went all the way there, and so he was riding back home with us.

SPEAKER_03 6:59

Right. So and I think at the time he was 18.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

And understand this. I'm gonna preface this. We had a great night.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

Oh, yeah. Great night. Yeah, everything went fine.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Oh, yeah. We watched uh the show that's really not that good. I mean, uh The Last of Us. It was okay. Oh, just huh?

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Anyway, go on.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

Well what another I'm just surprised that you said what show it was.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Oh, I don't care. Yeah, so um, but but the the night was good. We had pizza, we laughed, we you know, had con good conversation, and so yeah.

Disrespect, Hypocrisy, And Control

SPEAKER_03 7:38

Yeah, so there wasn't anything brewing. No, no. Okay, so so we get in the car, the three of us. Right. And I feel like I can speak as an expert as to how to back out of this driveway. It's dark. It won't for also it was dark.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Right.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

But I backed my minivan out of that driveway many times.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Many times.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

So, and this was pre-backup camera, y'all. So I feel like I can speak as an expert as to the best way to navigate backing out of this driveway. And Jamie's in the driver's seat, and I am trying to give him a tip, and he is completely ignoring me.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Nah, I'm not completely ignoring you. I was not.

SPEAKER_03 8:33

Felt like it.

SPEAKER_01 8:34

No, I I acknowledged you, I just didn't listen to you.

SPEAKER_03 8:37

Yeah, so well, he's ignoring the the advice I'm giving him. And that isn't making me mad because I feel like he's being a hypocrite. That's why I was getting mad. I felt like he was being a hypocrite because if it was something, this was my what's going on in my head. Right. If it was something that he had a lot of experience in, and he was trying to advise me, and I was ignoring his advice, he would have got mad. Like, hey, I'm an expert at this. Trust me. Trust what I'm telling you to do and do it.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

So that's what started me on the road to being mad. Okay. And then but he's okay, so he we are now, hold on. We are now in the in the world of backup cameras.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:32

So he does have that tool that he can use that I didn't have.

SPEAKER_01 9:36

Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:39

And what?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Okay, so and now let's stop there. Okay. And let's have a little bit of my perspective.

SPEAKER_04 9:45

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

Alright. So we got in, and it's kind of funny. My my so I'm like the the the dog from Up, the Disney movie. Squirrel. You know, and so when I got in the car, the truck, I forgot something. Remember? And I ran back into the house, and their doorbell goes, You are now being recorded.

unknown 10:13

I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

And it distracted me. And I'm like, What what the heck? And so I laughed at it, and then the kids gave me whatever it was I forgot. I can't remember what it was. And so then I hopped in, and then as I was leaving, it said it again, You are but now being recorded. And I was like, What is going on? I hop in the seat, turn on the truck, and we're sitting next to it. And so I can't even remember what you advised.

SPEAKER_03 10:43

I think to roll down the window.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Oh, roll down the window. And I went ahead and I put it in reverse. And I I kind of just looked at her and I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

unknown 10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:55

Blew me off.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Yeah, that was a real blow off.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

Also, by the way, the windows are tinted and hard to see out of at night.

Car-Ride Escalation And No Resolve

SPEAKER_01 11:02

I'll give you that too. But I was like, yeah, yeah, I got it. And because I got it. I was confident that I got it. She was not having it. So I could hear, I could feel the heat from her seat brewing. And I'm like, what in the heck is going on? And then all of a sudden you said I don't remember what it was. Well, you you were like, just listen to me. I'm trying to tell you that the best way to back out of here is roll to. I said, wait, okay, I got you, but just let me go ahead and do this. I'm trying to, and she's she is relentless. And I'm like, babe, I've got this.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Yeah, well, because I was thinking, like, oh yeah, you got this until you don't. Well, and then and so, but but and the truck's hanging off the side of the driveway in the culvert, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Which did not happen, no. It didn't. But in my head, I'm going, babe, in my head, I'm not speaking this because she is fuming. She is like, you know, and I'm like, hold on, hold on. But in my head, I'm saying, I've been back in big rigs, box trucks, and and truck, you know, trucks without backup cameras all my life. This is not a big deal. But she's not having it, and she is just going off. And and so I still remain ignor ignorance, you know, not not to the point where I was just like acted, she wasn't there. I was just like, babe, I got this. I got this. So we back out.

unknown 12:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

Yeah. So you did you successfully back? Successfully driveway.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Didn't fall off the driveway. Right. Didn't didn't run into nothing. Matter of fact, got into the road and smoothly pulled away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was quite impressive, wasn't it? She's like, I don't care. I still won't admit it.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

So I'm thinking that's it. It's over.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

It's over.

SPEAKER_03 13:18

Uh-uh.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

I was so mad. She was so mad. So mad. She's sitting there fuming and she's not.

SPEAKER_03 13:24

Well, not only, I mean, first of all, I'm I'm mad because I feel like you're being a hypocrite because you didn't trust me. And I know that would have made you mad. Secondly, you blew me off.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Which I could say, I star I was a little irritated too, because I felt like you didn't trust me.

Sleepless Night And Reflection

SPEAKER_03 13:44

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

And I was the one in control. But anyway.

SPEAKER_03 13:48

Yeah. And you did it in front of our son.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

Which I was trying to let it go. And you wouldn't letting it go.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

Nope. Yeah. And so it just escalated, escalated, escalated.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

She's yelling at me. I'm yelling at her.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Which we oh my gosh, we almost never yell. That's so rare.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

It is lit, it is one of those things. I mean, your mom even said it. Do you guys even argue? I mean, we just don't. No. You know, we we listen.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

We were.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Oh, we were not having it. And I was trying to shut her by stopping the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

You all heard that, right? Yep. You all heard what he just said.

SPEAKER_01 14:32

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 14:33

And everyone out there is dying right now because they're like, no, dude.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

I was just trying to like end the conversation because again, our son is in the backseat.

SPEAKER_03 14:44

Which is made I which that to me just made it all the worse. Because I did not want him to see us treating each other that way. Like treating each other like I felt disrespected. You felt disrespected. Now we're mad at each other because we felt disrespected and we're fighting. And I'm and I hate I hated for him to see us that way. Right. So that's just making the whole thing worse. And then he tried to chime in and help. And I was just like stay out of it.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

I was like, I was like, I was trying to like, okay, you're right, I'm wrong. You know, it was one of those things. Now that I didn't really feel like I was wrong or whatever, but it was like, I'm just agreeing with you just to shut this whole thing down.

SPEAKER_03 15:30

Which doesn't work.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

No, it does not work. Matter of fact, it made it worse. And this was the first time I had ever felt you just you were relentless. Like you would not let it go. And then that's when our son comes up from the back, you know, says something from the back. And mind you, he's 20 years old, so it's not like he was this little child.

SPEAKER_03 15:54

So it's a little younger, but but still.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Still. But he's like, Mom, I think he was just, you know, and she was like, uh no.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Yeah. Stay out of it.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

He he shut his mouth pretty quick. And then um, and then it, but I I kept trying to de-escalate it. And it seemed like the more I de-escalated it, I was saying the wrong things. Like, like everything I've always said not to say in the heat of an argument was coming out of my mouth. Calm down. Stop it. Let's this is not, you know. Let it go. Let it go. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, and honestly, when we as we were going, we started kind of like, what are we fighting about? You know, and and it was huge. And I mean, we got home and we were still ticked off at each other. We didn't even want to look at each other. And you were still wanting to know what's going on. You were still on it. And I'm like, I I gotta walk away from this. I cannot stay in this because my brain can't think. I'm going back, I'm going back and trying to play it all out, and and I was playing it out and playing it out and playing it out, and I'm sure you were too. I mean, we were digging, we were trying to get back, and I felt like there was a point in time before we went to bed, because I mean this was it's 20 minutes away from where we live. So the whole time, and there was about I want to say there was about five minutes of silence.

SPEAKER_03 17:39

At the end of the ride, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Yeah, at the end of the ride, and I was like, okay, finally. And then she's like, but I need you to understand.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

I was like, oh my god, stop!

SPEAKER_03 17:52

I understand whatever it is you want, I don't care. But well, yeah, and then even when we got home, it was that there was just all that tension and right, and it didn't get it did not get resolved that night.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

It did not. I we both don't like to go to bed angry. We don't sleep well, and it just makes for an uncomfortable morning. And I don't like that.

SPEAKER_03 18:13

Well, he doesn't sleep well, and then he gets mad at me because I did sleep well.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

That is true. I don't get mad at you for sleeping well, but I I do I do have a rough day the next day.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Like irritated at Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

But what I felt like as we were still arguing about it, I felt like we were going in circles. Like we were repeating, like we were putting that same argument on repeat. There was no and it felt like every time we got closer to it, it just would not resolve. It's like you felt disrespected, I felt disrespected, you felt untrusted, I felt untrusted. And yeah, so we finally ended up going to sleep, but it was not resolved.

SPEAKER_03 18:58

Well, and I think that the thing is that there was no one there to slow it down and get recognize that it needed space because we were both triggered.

SPEAKER_05 19:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

Like usually the reasons that they don't I think they don't escalate that like that is because it's only one or the other. One of us that gets triggered.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

That's triggered so we know so the other one can give that space to be able to explore and say, sh it's not her.

SPEAKER_05 19:28

Yeah.

unknown 19:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

There's something going on in there. Yeah. You know, or it's not me that did anything, it's just something that's, you know, brewing inside of her.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

Right. So It was the next day.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Next day. I got up and I went to the gym and did a lot of soul searching. And and let's let me let me also side note never in the midst of any of this did I ever think we're done.

SPEAKER_03 20:00

Oh god, no.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

It was never one of the mistake. It is the biggest argument that we've had. But it was never to that point where like, man, forget this mess. I'm out.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Yeah. I've never, ever, ever felt that way.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

No, me neither.

SPEAKER_03 20:17

In any of our little spots.

The Epiphany: Waiting For The Drop

SPEAKER_01 20:21

Yeah. So did a little heart to heart, and for me, and and you'll you can talk about what what it came up for you, but for me, it was a it was a epiphany. To use your words that you used earlier. It was an epiphany. What had happened was I got triggered. Things in our marriage and our relationship have been going so well. Like, I found my person, you understand me, you don't judge me, you let me be. I express myself in a in the way that I do, and you accept me.

SPEAKER_03 21:14

There was so much well, and especially at that time, I remember it was a time when you were making starting to make a lot of changes around the house. And you were I wasn't giving you any pushback.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

Right, right. So uh side note on this is that you know, I think we talked about this in a previous episode where where I finally started feeling like this was my home. My house, I should say. You're you're my home, but the the house. Because I was actually able to start doing some stuff and making it, you know, my own, you know. Certain ways, and you were like, Let's do it, go. It's great, you know, and you very you were very accepting of it. So there was a lot of things like that going on. So, but in my head, and I didn't realize this until I did a little deep dive. Is that in my heart and my head, I was waiting for the bottom to drop out.

SPEAKER_05 22:22

Yeah.

unknown 22:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Everything had been going so awesome, so smooth, but there was a little, and I didn't I didn't quite understand it until we kind of talked it through. But inside there was something going, You're it's coming. It's coming. It's coming. Yeah. And when that time happened.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

So in the truck where I said when I got upset that that was oh, here it is. Yeah. Here it is.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

It was like in my head, I'm like, this is it. Yeah. This is where it all stops. This is where the relationship's gonna do a 180. And yep. Yeah. Well, literally. And and I'm not gonna be respected anymore. I'm gonna be looked down on. I'm not gonna be trusted. Yeah. Because, you know, I finally have found somebody that will that I can give advice to about something around the house or something, you know, about anything, and and you take it and you and you you respect it and you honor it. And and now you're not. And it was like that's what it felt like to me.

SPEAKER_05 23:39

Yeah.

Why Hypocrisy Stings And Feeling Dumb

SPEAKER_01 23:40

And I think so, it wasn't the fact that you didn't trust me. It was the w the fact that I was in my head preparing for that moment to happen. And that's why it blew up the way it did for me.

SPEAKER_03 24:00

So I think I was a little nervous to talk about this just because I don't know that I still I don't know for sure what it was for me.

SPEAKER_05 24:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

I think I do know that I do get triggered when I feel like people are being a hypocrite.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:19

I'm not sure why.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

Why that's such a b such a trigger for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Um also think that you're you you getting to know you, you don't want to be felt made to feel stupid.

SPEAKER_03 24:41

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's 100% true.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

And I think that for you was one of those moments where it was like you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you were an quote unquote expert of that driveway. And I wasn't taking your advice.

SPEAKER_03 25:00

Yeah. And like I said earlier, I didn't realize it until afterwards that gate that our son being in the backseat was for me making it worse for me. Yeah. Him being a part of a witness to it.

SPEAKER_01 25:18

Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:20

Made it so much worse.

Repairing With Your Kids Watching

SPEAKER_01 25:22

Well that too, and the other thing the other thing I was actually gonna say, that wasn't what I was gonna say, but you you want people to take you seriously. You you you your personality is that you when pe when you speak about something, you want people to trust what you're saying and you want to be respected for what you're saying. Yeah. So it was like a to me, it was an all-encompassing. Because I do try to be very careful not to say sometimes, and I laugh at uh I say I pick on you sometimes about that because it sometimes it takes you forever to tell a story, and it's because you're very methodical in how you're telling the story. Careful, yeah, you're very careful, very it's mostly with your dreams, and you know I I pick on you about that. Oh, and that's what I was gonna oh, that's another thing. I was gonna say that earlier in the conversation we had about your dreams, but but you are you're very methodical and you like to think through. So you just want to be respected, yeah, right? Yeah. So we figured it out, we made up, we both were good, and then we had a conversation with our son about it.

SPEAKER_05 26:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

And just told him, you know, we're sorry that happened. Yeah. It's not something that we do, but this is what came up for both of us, and this is why it escalated the way it did.

SPEAKER_05 26:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

And we really, really, I don't we don't have that big of a problem with having arguments in front of our children. Unless it as long as we resolve them. And what I mean by that is spats or whatever, little, little like disagreements and stuff. But I think what really, and I remember you saying this, what really got you is the fact that there was no resolve, and he never got to see that. He didn't get to see the resolve.

SPEAKER_03 27:28

Work out, yeah, like work to the resolution that in the way that we normally do. Yeah, yeah, that's right. I'd forgotten about that.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Yeah, yeah. So, so that was kind of the that hidden thing.

SPEAKER_05 27:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Neither one of us knew what it was, well, especially me, why I was so offended, so you know, felt disrespected, and I had to dig deep because it was again, it was not about backing up the truck.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

Yeah, it wasn't about getting out of the driveway.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

It wasn't the truck, it wasn't the driveway, it was something deeper than that.

New Spat: Containers And Embarrassment

SPEAKER_03 28:08

So the reason why we brought this up is so Jamie mentioned at the beginning that on Wednesday this week we had a little bit of a spat. And it was similar in the sense that it didn't get resolved quickly like it normally does because I kept pushing the issue, I guess. Right, right. So I wouldn't let it dr I wouldn't let it drop. So if you if you will.

SPEAKER_01 28:37

So long story short, if I can. We had our family dinner night. What is the family dinner night?

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Is there a pattern here?

SPEAKER_01 28:50

No, no, because that was a long time ago. That was over a year ago, I think. Oh yeah. Yeah, that that one. But this one was happened this past Wednesday. And we had just done, we just finished a show watching Ted Lasso. Hilarious, great show. Some definite language. So if you can handle that, it is a great wholesome show. It is anyway. So we just finished watching that with our kids, and then they were packing up to go. So I get annoyed with all of the ratty storage containers that we've had. And I've I get annoyed when they get storage containers, meaning like what you put your leftovers in. When they start getting that bubbly look, I don't like it. And I feel like that's bad for you. And it and it happens when you have food, sauces, or cheeses or whatever, and you microwave them and they get all and it and then it's they're burnt, they're melted in, right? And I don't like them. So one day, and I'm kind of the keeper of the kitchen. Yes. So one day I just picked them up and tossed every one of them that were messed up. And I did, I did tell you after the fact, but I did do that, but I did get some little cheap old just to kind of hold over because I've been wanting to get glass ones, but they're not cheap, and I wanted to make sure I find a good one. So what had happened was we were done, and we were talking about we had these nothing nothing but bunt cakes.

SPEAKER_03 30:40

Nothing bunt cakes.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

Yeah. Buntinis, the little ones, little ones, and our kids brought that over for dessert, and so they were leaving and they wanted to take some with them, and so we were gonna put some in a container. My old Tristan, we were talking, I was talking with him while Stacy's in the kitchen with Zoey, and my side of the conversation, my point of view, we were talking about, he's like, Where you well, just just hide them and just put them in the outside fridge. I'm like, No, I'll put them in the bar fridge. And and we were going through that. And Zoe was talking to Stacy, but she was also kind of in my conversation as well. Yeah, you need to hide them or they're gonna be gone. Yeah, I don't know. Well, else and so Stacy's looking for a container.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

I'm looking for a container to put the the cupcakes that we're keeping.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

And we she couldn't find any.

SPEAKER_03 31:36

This was also the second time in this particular evening that I was looking for containers to put leftovers in and not finding what I need.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:49

Because somebody threw them away and didn't replace them.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

So I was already irritated about that specifically.

Humor Backfires And Signals Missed

SPEAKER_01 31:57

Yeah. Again, I'm the keeper of the kitchen. So so I'm going through and and so that conversation with Tristan was where we're gonna put them. And so she apparently asked twice, what am I gonna put these in? And I didn't hear her just say ask twice. I kept saying, Well, we'll just put it in the bar fridge.

SPEAKER_05 32:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

And then all of a sudden, I walk in and I said, I said, we'll just put it in the in the that's not what she was asking.

SPEAKER_03 32:34

And I said, in what?

SPEAKER_01 32:39

Zoe turned around and looked at me and her eyes got big, like, oh dang.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

And I was like, whoa.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Here's where it escalated. Remember, I said a few episodes ago that Tristan and I are really into wrestling. There is one particular wrestler, Jay Uso, and his thing is yeet, whatever. Anyway, it's funny. But when he's done with his music, he gets in the ring and he does he he does his hands in a circle, like rewind it back, rewind it back, let's do it over. Now back to this conversation.

SPEAKER_03 33:18

So she goes, Oh my god, I didn't even know that's what you're referencing.

SPEAKER_00 33:24

No, that's why Kristin and I were laughing so hard.

SPEAKER_03 33:28

Oh this is my this is my Princess Pride moment.

SPEAKER_00 33:37

Oh my gosh. I did not think, I didn't know you didn't know that.

SPEAKER_01 33:42

No, yes. So when she said to me, say it again. In what? In in a what? And she's not even doing it.

SPEAKER_03 33:53

Because it was well, I did, I did raise my voice.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

We had some decibels, and I felt like I got kind of embarrassed, especially when Zoe turned around with her eyes, was like, oh dang. And I went, let's back it up. And I was doing that gesture, and I was going, back it up. Okay, let's back it up, let's say that again. And what I was saying is, say what you were saying, but let's say it at a little bit lower tone.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

This is where I was trying to come at with this, but I was doing that and I'm laughing and then referencing something that I don't know, and I'm just taking it as you're talking to me like I'm a child.

SPEAKER_01 34:32

Yes, and that's not what I was doing at all. And I was like Because she's heated, and I'm trying to make light of the situation. I'm trying to like de-escalate it again, but I was doing it in a more playful way. She did not take it that way at all, fellas, at all.

SPEAKER_03 34:51

No, it didn't escalate nearly as much as.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 34:57

Not the driveway.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

No, no, not the driveway incident. But what happened was is that I did that and I did it again a couple times because I was I was in that joke, and then it's funny because I saw him in my peripheral, Tristan was like doing it too. Yeah, and Zoe smacked his hand and says, No, not now. And he's like, Oh. And they they kind of just they're like, We're gonna go. We're gonna go. I was like, okay, but see, still, I didn't think anything was wrong.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

No, huh?

SPEAKER_01 35:29

No. And I was like, okay, so she raised her voice, and we all made light of it, and then and they left and was like, love you, bye, and they left. And I can't remember. We talked about something else before that, and then you were like, What did you say?

SPEAKER_03 35:46

I said, You embarrassed me.

Apologies, Amazon, And Misreads

SPEAKER_01 35:48

Yeah, you were like, We need to talk. I was like, Okay, you embarrassed me, yeah, and I was like, Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't mean to embarrass you. You were like, Yeah, that was not cool. And she was angry, yeah, and I was like, Whoa, hold on, Beb, I was not trying to make you mad, but you you kind of embarrassed me. And so what I was trying to do was de-escalate the situation, you know? And so she's saying, This is what I did not hear, fellas. She asked three times, in what container are we gonna put the cupcakes in?

SPEAKER_03 36:32

Well, I didn't use all those words.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

No, but but that was the question. That was the question. And I was like, I never heard the first two. I only heard the in what? All I had, and she didn't under she didn't know this either, is all I was doing was talking about Yeah. Well where we're gonna put it.

SPEAKER_03 36:57

Yeah, I think I think you heard it, but you didn't understand that's what I was asking.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Right. It didn't register at all.

SPEAKER_03 37:05

Anyway. So, yes, so I was embarrassed. I let you know, you apologized, but I wouldn't let it go.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

She would not let it go.

SPEAKER_03 37:17

And so we kind of went back and forth for a little while.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

And then we got ready for bed and we got in bed.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

So, whoa, whoa, hold on. Bag up. Oh. Bag up.

SPEAKER_03 37:27

I'd miss something.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

She's given me the what for about the containers. In my head, I'm going, who uses these containers more than me in this house?

SPEAKER_03 37:41

Well, what does that got to do? No, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 37:44

Because I'm the one that that figures this out all the time. And and I'm thinking in my head, she's got so frustrated at something I do all the time. Why can't she figure that out? Why couldn't she figure it out? And so in my head, this is what's going on. But at the same time, so I'm I'm still kind of not angry. I'm still not pushing back until you kept on and on about it. And finally, I just opened up the Amazon and I had these in my list. I had Which was not the response.

SPEAKER_03 38:19

That was not the point.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

No, I know, I know, I know, I know. It was not for you to get on Amazon and order Oh, I was not gonna let it go containers right away. I was getting angry because it she wouldn't let it go, right? It almost felt like you needed a resolve.

SPEAKER_03 38:34

Yeah, of course I did. But the resolve the resolve was not get new com get get more containers right now.

SPEAKER_01 38:41

Guys, I had those containers delivered the next morning at 6 a.m. And I had them ready to roll. But I had them washed and I had them already switched them out. But anyway, yeah, but that's but that's what had happened, and that's when I got irritated.

SPEAKER_05 39:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

Because I thought, I've been waiting to buy these. I had them in my Amazon, and and see that that's kind of where I thought it was going. Is like, why aren't you getting them? Why didn't you do this now? Why is this going on? Why are you throwing all this stuff away? And that I'm like, man.

SPEAKER_03 39:21

But like you said, it's not really about the socks.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

No.

SPEAKER_03 39:25

And it wasn't really about the containers.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

Nope. And but that's f that's what I felt like it was.

SPEAKER_03 39:30

Yeah. And I wanna I wish we would have slowed it down. I mean, uh it's fine that you bought the containers, but that was not the solution.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

No, and but it's salt.

Naming The Real Need: Find The Root

SPEAKER_03 39:46

But and we did, you know, where I w so we we went to bed and basically said to each other, hey, I don't want to go to bed ma mad, so I love you and we're good. But while we were laying there, I had an epiphany.

SPEAKER_01 40:04

Not yet.

SPEAKER_03 40:04

No, not yet.

SPEAKER_01 40:06

No. I kept explaining that I I had apologized.

SPEAKER_05 40:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:11

And you're like, no. And it you kept it's like it wasn't good enough. The apology wasn't good enough. And I was like, I kept trying to tell you, I'm I'm sorry for this. I I I really am. I told you that. And that's why I was angry because I had already apologized, and you were going on and on about it, and I felt like, why are we still well, and that's what you said. You said I felt like you were just apologizing just to just to stop the situation. And I'm like, no, I recognize what was that I embarrassed you because you thought I was just apologizing because of the the situation, but not how did that go? Yeah, because remember, do you remember the conversation last night or the other night? Yeah, I know we slept twice since then, but I clearly remember saying a few times, I already apologized.

SPEAKER_03 41:18

Yeah, and I clearly remember saying, I know you didn't, I believe you.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

But You didn't at first.

SPEAKER_03 41:24

There's something that it was like you apologize, but I don't know if you are apologizing for the right thing because I don't know what the right thing is yet.

SPEAKER_01 41:37

Yeah. So as we laid there and we were about to go to sleep, I was like, okay. You know, there's nothing else that we can do. I mean, we're lack of a better term, we're beating a dead horse. And we're like, okay, I'm good. You know, I'm a big boy, but I think you need to apologize. She's like, for what?

SPEAKER_02 42:08

And I was like, okay, I did not say that.

SPEAKER_03 42:11

I just said I I can't because I'm not sure what I'm apologizing for yet.

SPEAKER_01 42:18

Right, right. Yeah. And I was like, that's okay. I'm a big boy, I'll get over it.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

And then we went to sleep. Well, I went to sleep. She had the epiphany.

SPEAKER_03 42:28

Yeah. So as is our practice, and as we've talked about a lot, I was curious about it means a lot to me to figure it out. Like, right, what what really was at the root of it? What really caused it. And so the epiphany was that's why I won't let it go. The reason I won't let it go is because I have not identified the route yet.

SPEAKER_04 42:59

Right.

SPEAKER_03 43:00

And I need that conversation to keep to uh help me get there. Right. Most of the time. Now I know definitely there's sometimes where you reach a point and it's like I just can't get there.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

Right.

SPEAKER_03 43:19

And sometimes it's and sometimes I feel like we haven't gotten to the root of what's upset you. And some sometimes I will push uh push you there. And and sometimes when it's you, it's easier to realize, okay, he needs some time and some space to think about it. But when it's me, I want to figure it out.

SPEAKER_05 43:43

Yeah.

Language For De‑Escalation And Space

SPEAKER_03 43:43

So that's why I Right now. Yeah, I want to right figure it out right now. And that's why I keep pushing. And so I was able to come to you this morning and say, Look, I've realized that when I'm doing that, you're hearing it as I'm I wanna I'm not letting it go because I'm still I'm not satisfied with your response. Right. But that's probably not it. It's probably that I I feel like I haven't figured out the route yet and I'm trying to I need you to help me.

SPEAKER_04 44:22

Right.

SPEAKER_03 44:23

So now that we know that, I feel like that can definitely change how we handle that when that comes up again.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

Yeah, because I mean I can tell you that there's so many stories from friends that that say, and I've heard this time and time again, where they're like, you know, my wife is she just keeps on and on and on, and I'm just like, enough, you know, or I I can't take this anymore, or whatever. And it kind of just when you said that this morning, it kind of made me think, wow, that might be a completely different perspective that no one's really ever realized. Is that in the midst of a guy feeling like he's being disrespected or she just won't let it go, maybe it is because you know, the to me this I mean, this is big is the fact that maybe it's because you're still trying to make sense of it in your head on why.

SPEAKER_04 45:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:27

Not not maybe why I did something, but maybe why you reacted in the way you did because of that.

SPEAKER_03 45:35

Yeah, why it bothered me so bad.

SPEAKER_01 45:37

Because in essence, the kids felt fine, they laughed, but then when they realized that you were not happy, then they were like, we're out. Yeah. So they they kind of saw, you know, a different per two different perspectives. So I think it's huge that you you had that epiphany because for me, I think it that'll speak not just to the the ladies out there that that push on things. I mean guys do it too sometimes. I mean it depends on who you are, but you know, generally speaking, when when you're trying to figure something out, it's not that you won't let it go. It's because you're trying to make sense of it in your head.

SPEAKER_03 46:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:31

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

And that's f that's it for me. I can't I can't begin to say, I'm sorry, if I don't know what what the what's broken yet.

SPEAKER_01 46:43

Right.

SPEAKER_03 46:44

Uh what what needs repaired. Or, you know, change my behavior or my uh response unless until I know what it is. And so I think that just can help I think it's gonna help us give us some perspective and some language around it. I I think it's gonna help you s you know, to ask me the question, like you're is it are you still are you just needing to my help to figure out what the root of it is? Is that what's going on here? Instead of you being mad that I'm still going on and on about it.

SPEAKER_05 47:20

Right.

Princess Bride Moment And Wrap

SPEAKER_03 47:21

You can ask that question, and I can say, because it's usually is me pushing it, right? And I'll be able to say, Yes, it's me, or or I might say, Well, I feel like I don't feel like we've gotten to the root of what you're upset about.

SPEAKER_01 47:35

And then you can say, you know, give me space, give me some time and let me figure it out.

SPEAKER_03 47:42

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 47:42

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So we wanted to share this with you because it was it's fresh and it's one of those things we feel like this is it's kind of big, you know. Your epiphany and this these two arguments are are we hear this a lot from people, and man, we just we hope and pray this this helps you out. I love you, woman.

SPEAKER_02 48:10

I love you too.

SPEAKER_01 48:11

And and I'm I'm so glad that we got that figured out.

SPEAKER_03 48:15

Me too.

SPEAKER_01 48:15

Yeah, both most instant instances.

SPEAKER_03 48:18

Yeah. I feel like I should explain what I meant by my princess pride moment.

SPEAKER_01 48:23

Yeah, explain your princess pride moment. We got a few minutes left.

SPEAKER_03 48:27

Okay, I'll make it quick. I'll make it quick. So my brother and I are movie quoters. Yeah. You you know these kind of people that quote movies all the time.

SPEAKER_04 48:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:39

My mom is not. So there was a situation when we were kids and we were at the kitchen table, and my mom has this word that she likes to use a lot, and it's no, she doesn't anymore, but she's she doesn't. She used to use this word a lot, and um here comes Should I say it? Say it. Ludicrous. Ludicrous. Ludicrous. That's ludicrous. So she used this word a lot. And so one day we're sitting around the kitchen table, my brother and me and her, and she said the word. And I look at my brother and I say, You keep using that word. You I don't think it means what you think it means. He gets it. He's laughing. We're both laughing because we're quoting Princess Bride, and he gets it, but she doesn't, and she gets so mad because she thinks we are saying to her, You're dumb. You don't know how to use that word.

SPEAKER_04 49:30

Yeah.

unknown 49:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:33

And then which we realize, we quickly realized, oh no, mom, we're quoting a movie, we're not saying you're dumb.

SPEAKER_04 49:41

Right.

SPEAKER_03 49:41

But that story has been, you know, one of those core memories for me.

SPEAKER_01 49:48

So that's what I meant when I said just Yeah, so that whole rewind back was a Princess Bride moment for her. Yes. Awesome. I'm glad you figured that out. That was great. What's the Princess Bride scene? What was the word he used?

SPEAKER_03 50:01

Oh, inconceivable.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Inconceivable!

SPEAKER_01 50:04

That's right. I do not think you are using the say it. Quote it. I'm horrible at quoting, unless it's uh Braveheart freedom. That's about it.

SPEAKER_03 50:17

I don't think it means what you think it means. That's what he said.

SPEAKER_01 50:22

I love your accent. All right. Well, thank you so much. We hope that you got something out of this.

SPEAKER_03 50:28

Um I know I did.

SPEAKER_01 50:29

Yeah, I did too. And we we appreciate you stopping by. If there's anything that you got from this, man, we're so glad. We thank you, and don't forget to check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or just check out our website.

SPEAKER_03 50:45

Instagram.

SPEAKER_01 50:45

Instagram, that's right. Instagram, follow us on Instagram, check us out. We do little sound bites on there, and yeah, so you can kind of get a little quick preview of what's gonna happen. But thank you again till next time. Thank you for joining us at RelationsMith.

SPEAKER_03 51:01

We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 51:03

Bye.