How to Break Generational Trauma Patterns (Even If You’re Still Living Them)

How to Break Generational Trauma Patterns (Even If You’re Still Living Them) 

What does it really look like to break generational patterns… while you’re still in the middle of them? 

In this deeply honest and vulnerable episode of Star Women Rising, Melinda moves beyond recognizing ancestral patterns and into the messy, exhausting, and often uncertain work of actually breaking them. 

From consciously choosing to parent differently without a roadmap, to questioning whether she’s made things better—or just different—Melinda shares the raw truth about what it means to step out of inherited behaviors, beliefs, and roles that were never truly yours to carry. 

This isn’t the polished version of “healing.”
 This is the real version. 

The version where you second-guess yourself.
 Where you feel judged.
 Where you wonder if you failed.
 And where you keep going anyway. 

Melinda explores the weight of ancestral identity—like being “the strong one” or “the survivor”—and asks the powerful question: Do you have to carry that torch too?

She also opens up about the layered reality of breaking cycles within family dynamics, parenting, and lineage—where growth doesn’t happen all at once, but in waves… and often without closure. 

✨ In this episode, we explore: 

•  The difference between recognizing patterns and actually breaking them 
•  Why doing things differently comes with no roadmap 
•  The emotional weight of parenting outside generational norms 
•  How ancestral roles and identities quietly shape your life 
•  The layered process of breaking cycles (and why they keep resurfacing) 
•  Letting go of guilt, blame, and the need for a “perfect outcome” 
•  What it means to stay present in the work—even when you may never see the result 

This episode is for anyone who feels like they’re doing the work… but aren’t sure if it’s working.
 
Because sometimes breaking the cycle doesn’t look like clarity.
 Sometimes it looks like staying.
 Like choosing differently—again and again—without proof it’s paying off.
 
And that… is where the real transformation happens.
 

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💫 Because when women rise together, we change the world.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Star Women Rising, where cosmic roots meet earthly power. I'm Melinda and together we'll awaken the fire within and above, exploring intuition, soul wisdom, and the ancient truths written in the stars. This isn't about escaping the world. It's about remembering who you are and rising stronger in it. Star Women Rising is part of the Chicology Podcast Collective, Real Women, Real Stories, Rising Together. Let's begin. Welcome back. Welcome back. So last week I talked about ancestral, you know, inheriting ancestral trauma behaviors. So it's not just DNA. And some stuff comes across genetically, other things come across behaviorally or you know, patterns. We continue patterns and also, you know, kind of archetypal, archetypal things. So I this is I've been sitting with this since that podcast, but actually probably for a while now. And really wanting to kind of touch on more of the getting out of those those patterns, breaking those, those chains that kind of bind us. And a lot of times we don't even really know that that's that's what's happening. I've been like I said, I've been sitting with this because it it's really more than just about recognizing the patterns. You got to do the work to get out of it. Get out of those patterns, get out of those behaviors, those recognizing those archetypes and realizing you don't have to carry the torch. You know, if you find yourself saying things like, you know, the women in my family are survivors that, you know, like in my family, I have a long lineage of women that are survivors and it it suited them well. I honor their struggle, I honor their survival, because were it not for them, I would not be here speaking today. But do I have to also be a survivor? Do I also have to to carry that torch and live my life like I am just trying to survive? And the answer is is no. But it's more than just recognizing that. Like I said, you gotta do the work. So I've been sitting with this for a few days, and uh I I realized that even in my childhood, as I was growing up, there were things about my upbringing that I really that I really didn't particularly like. But you know, that's that's how things were done. And I knew when I decided to have children that I wanted to do things differently. And it even dawned on me that the fact that my children were actually planned was the beginning. Think I cannot think back to a single family member who actually planned their children. My children were planned. For me, in, you know, kind of looking back and reflecting on these things, that was the beginning of doing things differently. And there there were other, there were these other aspects, you know. I didn't want to be heavy-handed, I didn't want to rule with an iron fist. I didn't want to do the whole do it because I said so, or, you know, when I reflected back on my childhood, there were things that I really couldn't appreciate. So with my children, I wanted, I wanted to be different. I wanted to give them opportunities to explore. I wanted to um open, not so much open doors, but maybe create other doors, other options. I wanted them to learn to make decisions and deal with consequences. And I had absolutely no roadmap for that. So we say, you know, we want, we want to do things differently, but what does that mean? You know, there's no roadmap for different, you know, if you're if you're just following along the patterns or whatever, you you kind of know or you think you know what to expect and how things are gonna play out. But if you make a conscious decision, a conscious choice to be different, then there's no roadmap for that. And I can tell you that that was something that I did not think about. I just knew I wanted to do, I wanted to do things different. I wanted to be a different kind of mom, have a different kind of family. But even though there was no roadmap, I think I kind of maybe had a little bit of an idea of how I thought it would turn out. And so to, you know, today I I just want to go over my experience of trying to do things differently and maybe without really thinking about it, breaking some of those, those ancestral cycles, some of those archetypes, some of those patterns that really were not mine and probably weren't necessary. So when I chose to have children, that was intentional. You know, my children were planned. That's not a judgment for people whose children are not planned. This is just my own experience that I was absolutely intentional with it. Both of my kids were planned. I want to have a baby now. And you know, it doesn't always work out that cleanly, right? It's not like you just decide you want to have a kid and then you have a kid. You know, we we planned, we tried, as people would would say, we we tried for our kids. So it was it with intent, and that was different. I am the first to do that. As far as I know, I am the first to do that. And I I thought that choosing things differently would change things in a very clear way. I thought it would be clean, right? I thought it would be sort of maybe romanticized it a little bit that if I do things differently, then things are gonna end up in a certain way. These kids are gonna be, they're gonna thrive and they're just gonna know who they are and where they stand. And, you know, they're gonna do all these amazing things and we'll all live happily ever after. So I, you know, while I made a conscious decision to be different, I really underestimated how that would really put things in limbo. And I think I felt like it would maybe solve what had come before, you know, that it would, it would get rid of some of the unsavory patterns. I because I think in my mind, I was really looking at at the things that I didn't like, that I didn't appreciate, that I wanted to do different. And I thought that it would doing things differently with my children would create a place where those other things would not happen. And that's not really how it played out. It has not been clean, it has been messy, it has been taxing, and it has been challenging. Uh and in every aspect, every level, it has has been by far the most difficult thing that I think I've ever had to do. And like I said, partially because there was no roadmap, partially because I didn't really, you know, I romanticized it. I, you know, I have this sort of Cinderella, happily ever after thought process thought process about it. Um and that was definitely an underestimation of the amount of work it would it would require. And not only that, when you when you decide to do things differently, and I've talked about this before, this is a common theme of how very incredibly unpopular those things tend to be. I I took a lot of flack. I've taken a lot of flack, and I'm still taking flack for how I how I raised my kids. At the time when they were younger, I would get the side eye, or you know, you need you need to whoop their ass. You need to, you need to beat them into submission, or you, you know, you need to do this. And there's always the people that are gonna tell you what you need to do and what you should do and how you should do it. And when you were a kid, I would have I would have smacked you across your mouth or whatever. And those those were actually the things I was trying to get away from. I wanted to be a little more understanding, I wanted to be a little more allowing. I wanted these children to blossom into their own beings, their own people, and not cookie-cutters of me or their lineage that came before them. I wanted to give them something very new and very different, you know, planting them in a in a different kind of soil, planting a flower in a different kind of soil and in a different kind of flower. And even, you know, prior to having kids, I had worked in child development. So there were some aspects of child development that I appreciated. I really in working with these kids, I found how things, you didn't always have to just be the hammer. You didn't always have to be heavy-handed with with the kids. And and I was fortunate to work with a woman that she was she was brilliant with the kids. And I learned a lot from watching her and how she dealt with the kids and how she allowed them to explore and how she explained things that were dangerous. And it at first this I worked in the potty training room. So they were the two-year-olds and they were just learning how to potty train, and nobody in the entire facility wanted to work in this room. And it was hectic, it was chaotic. And initially, the teacher that I worked with, she, you know, she didn't really want to be there. And she really kind of relied on me to be the heavy, you know, to keep these kids in line and keep them sitting still and keep them doing whatever was least disruptive. And then they brought this other woman in who had a completely different way and approach with these children, and I learned a lot. So by the time I decided to have children, I was really drawing a lot from that experience. I really wanted to create something different. But like I said, it was it was just not it was not a popular approach. It was I I've taken a lot of flack. I still do. I I still hear things like you created this, you created this monster, you created this situation, you should have handled this way back when, you should have done this and you should have done that, and I told you so. And all these these different uh different thought processes from the older generations or even people in my same generation that you know you you are basically dealing with the consequences of your choices to do things differently. And it's been very challenging. And the reality is, like I said, there was no roadmap, and I'm still in it, right? I I don't know how this, I don't know where this goes. I don't know how this plays out, and I may not ever, right? I may not ever see. And sort of breaking that down and and looking at it cleanly, I chose this, and I chose it not because I was ready, but because I was willing, right? There, because I I have friends who who didn't want to have children because they didn't want to mess them up. I there's probably a lot of people out there that made that decision. Yeah, you know, I I don't wanna, I don't want to take that chance. I don't want to mess up a kid, I don't want to be responsible for that. And and I fully understand that. No judgment here. Uh, and especially having worked with troubled youth and in the criminal justice system, I think that is an honorable and admirable choice. But I chose to do it. I was willing to do it, even not having a roadmap and even not really, you know, not really being all that ready myself. And, you know, my kids were playing, and but was I really ready? I don't think I was ready for what all that entailed. You know, you think, oh, I'm gonna have a baby, and you think about a snuggly, sweet smelling baby, but the minute they arrive, you don't sleep. You worry if they get sick and then they start growing up and you're assessing other potential dangers and and things that come up that you're not prepared for, your kids' struggles in school, or you come across a bully. I mean, when you when I decided to have children, these were definitely not things that I was considering. But I took the leap and, you know, I was willing to stay in it and I was willing to learn, and I was willing without certainty. I didn't really know where this was going to go. I thought I knew, I thought I knew that it was going to be a happily ever after, but it really has not been that experience. And of course, like I said, I'm I'm still in it. And maybe there are those of you out there that are in similar situations where you're, you know, where does this go? Where does this lead? We don't know. We don't know. But I do not, I do not regret the decision. I don't regret trying to do things differently. But what I do realize is that this is still a work in progress. My kids are grown, but it's still a work in progress when you watch how they move through life, their experiences, the thing they, the things they come up against, the difficulties. And I had always hoped, the one thing that I had always hoped was that by allowing my kids to make choices and sometimes some some big choices and deal with the consequences of those choices, whether they're good or bad, because consequences are just consequences. You can you can do something, and the consequence is you have abundance and you have wonderful things happen, or you can do something and the consequence is not so good, or and sometimes detrimental. So I I wanted to provide them with the ability to make choices and to experience the consequences. And that was probably one thing that I took a lot of heat for was instead of just trying to guide and rule every single aspect of their lives, you know, that that that was what people felt I should be doing. I wanted, I wanted to give them some freedom. And I can tell you, you second guess, I second guess constantly. If I did the right thing, did I, did I give them too much leeway? Did I not supervise enough? Was I too checked out? Was I too this? Was I too that? You know, I still do that, I still go through that because we're still a work in progress, even though my children are adults and I now have grandchildren, and that's the other layer of it. How are they, how do they parent? Did they learn anything? Did we set some good examples? I I know for sure we set some bad examples in a lot of areas. We weren't perfect, but did we provide some good examples of parenting that my children continue? I can absolutely say yes, there are some elements, and especially when it comes to, you know, my husband's example as a parent. He's very involved and hands-on, and I mean in a good way. He was coaching teams and planning trips and and things, and he still does that. He still does that with my grandchildren, not so much the coaching, but wanting to be involved and be active and down on the floor and playing with them and pretending and doing all of these really fun things. So I hope, I hope that we did set some sort of an example that is a good example that will carry on. But, you know, I don't know. Everybody's got their own path. And really what I just wanted to provide options, options that were different from the options that I had. And I don't know if every generation does that. I'm not even sure. I can look at my parents, and I am pretty certain they raised us the way they were raised in a lot of areas. So my mom was the heavy, my mom was the disciplinarian, her mom was no joke. I mean, my my grandma, she whooped everybody's asses. She didn't care if you you stepped out of line, she was on you. I think my mom was a little different in when it came to maybe the spiritual side. She was grew up in a very religious family. And when we came along, that was definitely something that she did differently. I think my dad was was the same way with that. And they always said, we just want you to figure out your own way when it comes to the religious aspect. But they they still were were disciplinarians and you know, children are to be seen and and not really heard. You know, don't sit around the adults, we're having adult conversation, go outside, don't be up here, up under us, kind of thing. I think that was some stuff that was carried over, but it also goes deeper than that, right? It goes into archetypal things, being the survivors, being victims. I mean, do you come from a family where there's everybody's there's a victim in every generation? You know, these are things that are that are passed on. There's genetic aspects, there's behavioral aspects, there's and it it carries on and it doesn't have to. But when you do things differently, there is no prototype for that. There's there's nothing that you, you know, it's like a free fall. And I I am positive I am not the only one out there out here that is maybe considering these things, but it's been a deep dive for me lately because I did not realize that these ancestral traumas, dramas, whatever, uh I I guess I I sort of underestimated the amount of work that goes into stepping away from that, stepping out of that. And there's also there's no one way, no one right way to break a pattern, right? I think it's recognizing it is one thing, like I said, but then you have to have to put in the work, and there's no right way. So if I sat up here and told you, well, you gotta do this and you gotta, you know, that's it really doesn't work that way. And and recognizing them isn't always easy. And I can tell you, I've I've started really diving into this. And each time I think I've got one dialed in and I'm doing the work to step out of that, then a deeper layer of it comes up. Perfect example. Um, you know, I'm not trying to point the finger at anybody. This is not about shame, blame, or guilt or anything, but I have a particular family member that's sometimes can be a bit of a rough character. Um, and we all can at times, but I have been really aware of the interactions that I have, aware of the the the old, like the really old stuff. These interactions, I was like, this reminds me of being a kid. These were the same behaviors from when I was a kid, and my responses were always the same, usually emotional, usually anger. Uh then kind of going through the making excuses. I think we all make excuses for why people behave a certain way. That's not just, you know, not just victims who do that, but I think we all do. It's our way of being empathetic and understanding and not trying to judge. So we make these excuses. Well, they behave that way because their childhood was such and such, or they behave that way because this is how they were treated as a kid, and and you try to explain it away and move on. But each time you do that, you sort you you step back into that pattern, you you absorb it again. And so this I had a situation just recently where I've gone through the different layers of it, like, okay, recognize the pattern. Okay, I'm not going to respond to this pattern. I'm not going to respond to it emotionally. I'm not going to respond in anger. And a lot of times I find myself just being quiet. But then in my mind, I'm going, well, they do this because of this. And, you know, they had a difficult time. And this is something they've, you know, learned to do out of self-defense or whatever. And this last time I said, nope, I can recognize the pattern. I can absolutely understand why they probably behave the way that they do, but I am not going to absorb that. I am not going to participate. I am not going to sit and run through my mind, you know, the 8,000 different reasons of why they behave this way, because the reality is I don't appreciate it and it's not helpful to me. So I'm cutting through different layers of breaking these cycles because they they do keep coming back. And each time you deal with it a little differently. And now I'm to the point, at least in this situation, where I've just said, no, I'm gonna stop listening to my mind and running down all the reasons why I should allow this person to speak to me this way or treat me the way that they treat me, because I don't deserve that. I did not do anything to deserve that. So I'm not even, I'm not even making excuses anymore. I'm ending it at I don't deserve that, and I'm moving on, and I'm not sulking, and I'm not angry, and I'm not emotional. I'm just not. So it's really interesting that, you know, we get through these different, these different layers. And in that, I'm hoping that in the future, the future generations, because it it does move forward through your lineage. I'm hoping that I'm I'm creating something different for. Those that are coming after me. And if it's by example, if it's just by being present and being centered and then being able to watch how I respond to certain things, then it, then it's it's worth it. It's powerful. And I just want to be, I want to do, it's not even that I want to do something different. I have to. I have to. I have to do something differently. So I guess my my point with this, and I kind of went off on a tangent a little bit, but when dealing with this ancestral stuff, I have realized that I'm in it. I am not on the other side of it. I'm in it, but I've stayed. I've stayed present. I've stayed with it. I've processed it. I've done the work. And it it doesn't end. It doesn't stop. It keeps coming. And I have to reconfigure and I have to sit with things and figure out how I'm going to do things differently. It's like an it's an everyday, everyday thing for me. It's not just, oh, I'm the cycle breaker and miraculously the cycle is broken. I am literally having to put in the work. And I I kind of laugh because I think, man, everybody looks at me and thinks that I don't, but that I'm just not busy, like I'm not doing much, but they don't see what I'm doing on the other side of things and how much work I'm putting into breaking cycles, breaking cycles for myself, breaking cycles for my my lineage. Like I am really putting in a lot of work to the point where a lot of times when I go to bed at night, I'm exhausted. I have exhaustion. I have physical symptoms. There are things that come up when I think about certain things that I have to work through. You know, you get a you get that knot in your stomach, and you gotta, you gotta try to untie that knot, or you get the shooting pain in your head, and you you gotta try to work through what's coming at you. So I have been putting in some work, and I'm not on the other side of it, and I'm actively watching what I chose to unfold. And there have been moments where I have questioned all of it. Where and there have been moments where I felt like I failed. Like, did I fail? Have I failed in what I committed to doing? Like I feel like I came here for this. And then I think, did I fail? Have I have I failed to do the one thing that I deeply feel that I came here to do? And I don't I don't think I had an awareness that that's what I came here to do until probably about a conscious awareness until probably about three years ago. So it's uh I wonder often, did I fail? Did I fail really in doing something different? Did I do more damage? I don't know. I don't know. It hits kind of deep, you know. With when I thought, you know, by having kids, I make things worse. And don't don't get me wrong. Like I I wouldn't I wouldn't trade motherhood and grandmotherhood for anything, but you do question, did I just create more of a mess? Did I did I not do the things that I should have done? Did I epically fail this mission? And then when you're already questioning that and you hear from other people that you created the mess, it really lands. It really lands deeply. But I'm still here. I didn't step out of it, I didn't detach from it, and I didn't try to force it into something clean. I stayed. And sometimes I wonder, I still wonder, did I change it or did I just create a different version of it? But the biggest thing I can say is that I'm still here, I'm still in it, I'm still shifting, I'm still learning, and it's still unfolding. And the honest truth is I may not live to see where this fully goes. I may not live to see it. And I I'm kind of used to that. You know, I had a career where you never saw your successes, never they never, you know, you just hoped. You just hoped that whatever you did or whatever you had to say landed. But I have created space for something different to exist for my lineage, if they choose it. And for me, that's enough. And I know I'm not alone, and neither are you. Thank you for joining me here on Star Women Rising. If today's conversation stirred something in you, trust it. That's your fire awakening. This podcast is part of the Chicology Collective where women everywhere are reclaiming their voice, their power, and their light. Be sure to subscribe, share this with a soul sister, and explore more shows under Chicology because we rise higher when we rise together. Until next time, keep reaching for the stars and rooting deep in your power.