S3 | Ep.11 Memorial Stones: Faithful Through the Valley of Loss with Hadassah Treu

In this conversation, Brenda sits down with award-winning bilingual author and blogger Hadassah Treu for a deeply moving exchange about grief, spiritual gains from temporal losses, and what it looks like to keep drawing near to God even when you don't understand His ways. Hadassah shares how losing her husband unexpectedly in 2020 became the crucible that tested and ultimately deepened her faith — and how three powerful decisions in the aftermath of loss became her most transformative memorial stones.

About Hadassah Treu Hadassah Treu is an award-winning bilingual author, speaker, and blogger living in Bulgaria. She is the author of Draw Near: How Painful Experiences Become a Birthplace of Blessings and has been featured on over 70 faith-based platforms including Proverbs 31 Ministries, (In)courage, and Her View from Home. Her blog, onthewaybg.com, has been ranked in the Top 100 Faith Blogs by Feedspot in both 2025 and 2026. Hadassah is a professional member of the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association (AWSA) and delivers a powerful message of comfort and hope drawn from her own journey through suffering and loss.

Connect with Hadassah: Website | Join My Community | Facebook | Instagram | X (Twitter) | Pinterest | YouTube | Amazon | Goodreads | Gumroad Shop

Chapters 

Chapters
03:24 Spiritual Gains vs. Temporal Losses
12:16 Personal Experiences of Loss
20:37 Journey to Faith and Belief
30:35 The Impact of Love and Loss
33:00 Navigating Grief During COVID-19
36:19 Processing Loss and Faith
42:41 Memorial Stones in the Grief Journey
47:17 Faith Amidst Tragedy
50:52 Decisions That Shift Perspective
57:14 Turning Pain into Purpose
59:36 The Power of God's Presence

#RememberGod #MemorialStones #ChristianPodcast #FaithAfterLoss #GriefAndFaith #DrawNear #HadassahTreu #TemporalLossesSpirtualGains #TrustingGod #ChristianWomen #WomenOfFaith #FaithInTheDarkness #GriefJourney #BrendaSavanhu #ChristianAuthor #HopeInSuffering #BiblicalEncouragement #JobAndFaith #RememberingGod #FaithBlog

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Certain point it became completely clear to me, so really very clear that I was blaming him, and that as long as I'm taking offense in him, as also Jesus is saying, uh, blessed is the one who is not taking offense in me, because many people actually took offense in him, including believers. As long as I'm taking offense in him, because I don't understand his ways, because all come from this, I'm not understanding what's happening. That uh I will not have a progress in my healing, that I will not have um, I will not be able to move forward in my grief journey.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Welcome to Remember God, a podcast where we practice remembering God in the midst of trials. Hi, I'm Brenda, and I help followers of Jesus recall God's miracles to successfully navigate current challenges. Welcome to Remember God, a podcast to practice remembering God in the midst of trials. If you're a follower of Jesus who's in a difficult season and finds yourself wanting to take control of the situation instead of trusting God, this is the place for you. This is where we will help you remember the places where God has shown up in the past, giving you the tools and strength to navigate through today's challenges. I'm Brenda Savannu, author of Memorial Stones, writer, coach, and your companion on the journey of remembering what God has done. Friends, I'm excited to welcome our guest to the show today, Hadassah Troy. Hadassah is an award-winning bilingual author. She's a speaker and encourager who helps the brokenhearted partner with God through life's painful valleys. She's the author of Draw Near, How Painful Experiences Become the Birthplace of Blessings. She has co-authored many books, using her voice to help believers find hope, healing, and spiritual growth in seasons of loss. Her writing has been featured on more than 70 faith-based platforms. She's also a contributor and leader in the Compel Pro community. And she's also a professional member of the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Welcome to the podcast, Sadasa. I'm so excited you're here.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Yes, uh, thanks for the warm welcome. I'm also very grateful and excited to be on your podcast. I love it. I love what you're doing and uh the message of your podcast. So I'm really thrilled about our talk today.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Yeah, me too. Uh so for the listeners, I was also in Compower Pro. I'm no longer a member, but um that's how Hadassah and I got connected. Uh, and so I'm excited um about what we're gonna talk about today. Yes. Yeah. Right? So, as you know, um, my podcast is about remembering the places where God has shown up, which is based on my book, Memorial Stones, which is what God told the Israelites. He told them to pick up their memorial stones when they cross the Jordan and remind the future generations of what he had done. Um, and so that's something I've tried to practice uh since I became a more faithful believer. And so, as I was doing a little bit of research on you, Hadassah, um I found out a few things. And one of the things that you talked about was spiritual gains and temporal losses. So, do you mind if we start there? Like, what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_03 3:34

Um, thank you for this question because actually this question marks even the beginning of my writing journey. Oh, yeah. Uh I started my blog in 2017, and the first ever article I wrote on my blog was about the losses and gains on the way. And uh, in this article, I actually wanted to focus on the fact how God is the redeemer of all our losses, of all our suffering, and that uh uh when we somehow compare our earthly temporal losses to the gains that we have, to the benefits, to the blessings that we have in the Lord, they are of course mainly spiritual blessings. Uh, of course, earthly too, but I'm talking about the spiritual ones, uh, which are eternal blessings. Uh, then of course the blessings are much, much more than the losses, and um, this is something very positive. And I wrote this um uh first blog post in March 2017 without knowing that exactly seven years later, uh, based on this blog post, uh, I will write and publish a book. Actually, the publishing was in 2024. Uh, but it was it all started with this about the losses and gains on the way. And uh then I later developed this uh idea in much more detailed way in the book Draw Near, How Painful Experiences Become the Workplace of Blessings.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

So, how did you come to that place of identifying the losses, the temporal losses and the spiritual gains? And just even as a human being, right? When you talk about temporal losses, they are the things in the natural, but as human beings, that's hard for us. So tell me how you got to that place.

SPEAKER_03 5:32

Oh, unfortunately, or fortunately, I got to this place uh through my own experience. In my book, uh, I write about 13 painful experiences. We can also call it traumatic experiences, because uh they are such like uh betrayal, rejection, anxiety, disillusionment, um, failure, pain, uh, lost dreams, unabat expectations, and more. And as I said, unfortunately, or fortunately, we can say both, uh, I experienced all of this variety of uh traumas or painful experiences, of course, including also loss and grief. And the common identifier of all these experiences is actually a certain kind of loss. And uh I said that I started the seed for the book was planted in 2017, but actually I came with the idea and developed the whole concept in the year 2021, uh, which was one of the hardest and most painful years in my life. This was the first year after the unexpected loss of my husband in 2020, uh, which really uh turned my world upside uh down and upside up, and um, and I was not sure how I should continue to live my fate out. I was really um thrown into the darkness, so to say, into the darkness of grief, into the darkness of sorrow. And uh I think developing this concept helped me, uh, and this was perhaps God's way to minister to me, uh, helped me to start to interpret my suffering in a more helpful, more biblical way, and to express also my grief in a more helpful way. Because I wanted also to challenge myself and came up with this concept to challenge myself to really uh see what are the concrete losses in each painful experience, what because we need to admit our losses, we need to accept them, we need to mourn them in order to heal. So this is always the first step. So I wanted to see what are really the losses in each experience, but then I wanted this on the left side, and then I wanted on the right side in two columns to see what I learned through this, or how God worked through these painful experiences, what he produced in me and myself, uh, what uh actually was birthed after I went through this painful experience. And um and also to name the concrete, concrete gains which are buried in each painful experience. And um it was also a journey for me. So, writing this book, uh journey of healing, journey perhaps of spiritual um growth and uh um a level of freedom. And uh yeah, what I really uh saw is also visually that uh after each chapter, visually the column of the gains was really longer than the column of the losses, and what also made me an impression that uh most of the losses were really of temporal character, of temporate nature, while most of the gains uh were of um eternal nature. But I need to say here this is very important, that this uh uh this is not an automatic process. We can really experience this, I mean, to experience blessings and gains uh from our painful experiences when and only when I need to say this, when we draw near to God and let Him heal us and work in us. I mean, if we uh so to say stay um in perhaps in the first stage of grief, if we stay in our feelings of anger, if we are stuck in in disappointment, if we are stuck in um resentment or bitterness, then of course it's difficult to experience all this. Of course, there is always a stage in every in every morning, in every uh process of grieving. There is always this stage, initial stage, that we have these feelings and that we struggle and um and have our doubts and questions. But uh I always thought that this is not uh and I'm still thinking this is not a phase or phase in which we need to stay um forever. This is just one initial initial stage which is normal for each person, and then there's the invitation to turn to God and to turn to him not as our enemy, because perhaps if something traumatic happens, even as believers, we may think God is the guilty one and be angry with him why he didn't allow certain things. But as I said, to draw to him not as our enemy or not to hold a grudge against him, but really to turn to him as our uh safest person, as our best friend, as our healer, and the one who wants uh actually to bless us and produce good out of all these situations. And I need here to say one really last thing, which is very important, because I said to produce good, all benefits, of course, all gains are good things. But the thing is that God's good, we need to say, uh, often does not correspond to our definition of good. And uh God's good uh on the first place, the most important thing about God's good is the um producing of uh the character and image of Christ in us. So our transformation in current in the image of Christ is absolutely God's number one good. I need to say this, this is important.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Great, thank you. So um just thinking about all that, when I'm thinking of our listener. Oh yeah, do you mind sharing with us your first experience prior to 2017?

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Do you mind sharing with us like the example, what happened, and what steps you went through to where you started thinking of, you know, uh spiritual gains versus temporal losses?

SPEAKER_03 12:16

Uh yes, I would say, but actually, this was not the time when I thought in depth about this um losses and gains process. Uh, I think uh I started my writing journey and my blog writing this article, but I see it more as a framework, so to say, uh, this article. And I didn't think that I will be led on this road to prove that this is true, to prove it in my life, because then the actual training uh started, the actual spiritual training. Then the Lord allowed very difficult um periods in my life um during which my faith was tested and exactly this concept was tested. Do I live according to this concept?

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Okay, so you you you got the concept in 2017, but you hadn't lived it yet.

SPEAKER_03 13:07

Yes. Oh, not to the full, not to the full. I had one very uh behind me, I had one very difficult uh spiritually formative season of struggling with infertility. So in this season, I struggled perhaps for five to seven years. I struggled with infertility, with generalized anxiety disorder, and even I had a period of severe panic attacks. And this was behind me. These were the things that I experienced prior to writing this and starting the blog. But then starting the blog, starting my writing journey, even more difficult things came, like uh betrayal, rejection, unmet expectations, broken dreams, and so many others. And the end uh was with uh with the with the loss of a loved one. So the the debt experience was really the climax of all these experiences in 2020. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So let's start with the infertility journey. Were you a believer then? Yes. Um okay, so or maybe let's start with your um your journey to becoming a believer. Do you mind starting there?

SPEAKER_03 14:17

Yes, that's interesting because um uh uh I was uh living in a communist country at this time. Bulgaria was a communist country where uh religion was more or less forbidden. Churches were not uh open or working. Uh conversations about COPT were I think forbidden. And uh I was um a teenager uh before my 17th birthday, and at that time I struggled with uh, I think uh from now a day, uh from today's point of view, I think it was a severe depression because um I was coming from a dysfunctional home, and uh I also started uh to ask uh questions about the meaning of my life, the purpose of my life. So it was, I think, really, and I was struggling with suicidal thoughts even.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

And how old were you at that time?

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Uh short before my 17th birthday. So 16, I was 16, and uh then I uh started to pray, because I think this was a prayer, or perhaps it was the cry of my heart. Um I started to pray to God if He existed, that if there is a God He uh He uh should show Himself to me. Um otherwise, otherwise, I'm I don't see any uh meaning in to prolong my life, so to say. So I was posing kind of an ultimatum uh to God or to the universe.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

How did you know about asking even like even praying to God or any God? How did you know about that?

SPEAKER_03 16:01

Uh yeah, I don't know. Of course, uh I was uh on somehow uh on a way of spiritual um journey since then, and uh uh there were not so many materials to read uh on this topic, uh, but um there is there was one clue, uh, and namely that my grandma, um uh the mother of my father, was obviously a secret believer, a secret because I said it was uh it was forbidden. And uh when I was a child, uh she was not talking uh about this so much, or perhaps not talking at all, but when I was a child, I was spending the um lunches, uh so at noon I was always there, carried my lunch, and then went to school again. And there she had there for the first time I saw actually a New Testament. It was a small shabby book, yes, a New Testament. And I had the habit to read this. I read it, but I didn't understand anything of this, and I remember that because I was perhaps, I don't know, 10, 11 years old, something like this. But um, but I remember still that uh one verse uh 10 even then made me uh great impression and uh obviously resonated with me deeply. Uh and this verse was in Revelation, we all know this. Uh the the the best verse that uh God will make all things new and there will be no more suffering, no more tears, and uh yeah, we will live with him forever. And this somehow resonated with me then. And perhaps this was this was some kind of seed that was planted at this time. And uh when I was a teenager, I started praying this prayer, uh, this ultimatum prayer, so to say, and uh then uh I remember that uh not in my class but in my uh school uh there were some uh friends, or not so close friends, but let's say friends, two boys that I don't know out of uh nowhere, perhaps for me out of nowhere, just invited me to uh go with them to some kind of event. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

Hold on a second, yeah, because I'm processing all of this. Yeah. Um so uh I'm going back to your grandma. Your grandma had the the New Testament, it was a shabby little book in her house. You would go there for lunch um uh during your school day when your your lunch break. And then you read it, yes, but you didn't understand what you were reading. No. Did your grandma did you ever see your grandmother pray? No, I can't recall. No, but then you later on say this prayer to God, like Yes. I need you.

SPEAKER_03 19:04

It was not the prey, it was more like a threat. I was threatening God. So if you don't show yourself to me, then I'm doing it. I because I struggled with suicidal thoughts at this time.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

So were you thinking when you were saying, God, if you don't show yourself to me, yeah, I'll harm myself. Were you thinking the God of this New Testament Bible I'm reading?

SPEAKER_03 19:29

I was not sure. I think my head it was a little bit um, everything was somehow mixed and confused, I think, at the time. Definitely I didn't think of the biblical God. Uh I don't know why, I didn't think. Uh, but the interesting thing is that when they invited me to this so-called event, it turned out that this is a meeting in a Pentecostal church. And uh I heard actually there, I heard for the first time the gospel, as it is, as it the gospel in the purest form, so to say. And obviously, God was working in my heart uh in the meantime, because what I heard, I responded immediately. So, really on the spot. I responded on the spot and um accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. And on this same evening, also I was baptized with the Holy Spirit. So it happened all at once, so to say. And uh from this moment on, so I was 17 years old then, uh, my journey with God began.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

So, what I'm hearing, Hadassah, is that um your first memorial stone was going to your grandmother's house and actually seeing that Bible, that New Testament Bible.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

Definitely, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Yeah, because that's where the seed was planted. Yes. And even though you didn't know what you were reading, you came to a place to where you asked God to show himself to you. Yes. Um, and I think that's really important. I was listening to uh a podcast the other day that talked, they were talking about evangelism. Um, and uh the person was sharing that they typically don't present the gospel, but what they do is they the person whom they're having a conversation with, they say to them, ask God to make himself real to you. And typically this is a wonderful prayer.

SPEAKER_03 21:37

A wonderful prayer, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Yeah, yeah. So um I yeah, okay. So that that's your that's your first memorial start. Okay, carry on, carry on.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

Absolutely. Yeah, then actually, this is my testimony. From there on my journey started with the Lord, and uh uh I also had periods in my life when uh I sort of say uh Um left a narrow road. This was in my student years when I went to the university and then changed the environment, met other people, and so on. So I slowly drifted from the Lord. But then again, in my 30s, there was a strong yearning to come back, so to say, restore my fellowship and communion with him, which I did. And then from this moment on, uh yeah, so I think uh I'm on a steady course uh with him. Yeah, yeah, that's great.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

So your husband, when did you how old were you when you met him?

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

And uh was he uh a believer?

SPEAKER_03 22:47

Yeah, this is an interesting story too. Um my husband, I met him when I was 28 years old, so I was still not completely um with the Lord. I mean, I was still on my uh in the process of uh getting away from him, not in the process of return, when I met him. And um he was not a believer at this time. Uh and but nevertheless, he was not a believer, but nevertheless, I was completely hundred percent sure that this was the man to marry. 100% sure. This is also an interesting story because uh uh he I'm a bulgar, I'm a Bulgarian and he is an Austrian, also an Austrian. And uh I wrote a project, I was working in an educational organization, and I wrote one project, international project for education, and he was the representative of this uh organization in Austria. Um, and we were preparing the first project meeting in Bulgaria, and then he sent me his presentation for the meeting, and uh, I saw his uh picture and I saw his name under the picture, and uh uh the thought that came to my mind was my name with his family name. So I pronounced my name with his family name, and I thought this is completely weird and stretch. I thought you are crazy. Why are you thinking such things? And this is not uh yeah, really crazy, crazy talk. But the thing is, uh, when he came um in this project meeting, uh, it was about a week, so six days we were together working and also having free time. And uh what happened is that at the end of these six days, so at the sixth day, we both uh admitted that we fell in love with each other. So this was really love at the first glance. I never believed in such things, but it happened. Uh, and then we started um relationship from distance for about two and a half years. We were separated, so I live me living in Bulgaria, he living in Austria, and then uh yeah, we decided to marry and that I will live in Austria together with him. So we married in uh 2005, and uh he um came to Christ and gave his life to him in the year 2014.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

So that when you saw his face and you saw his name, and then you put your name with his last name. Yeah, where did that come from? Like, have you looked back to think about what like where did the idea come from? Was it a voice? Like what?

SPEAKER_03 25:39

No, it was such a such a strong sensation. I can't explain it. It was as if somebody is talking directly to you. I mean, a very strong internal sensation, and there was one more sensation during these first days, and the sensation was that when I looked at him, another very strong uh internal sensational thought came. And this thought was uh, this is the person I want to be the father of my children. And this this thought was never crossing up to now my mind. Uh I had unfortunately other relationships because I said I uh this was exactly in the period when I drifted away from the Lord, so I had other relationships, but I never ever thought for a person that I want this person to be a father of my children. This was the second thought that I had about him. And uh yeah, the interesting thing was that he had-I mean, I don't know, perhaps it happened very often, but for me this was kind of a miracle that two persons are falling in love simultaneously from the first glance. I mean, they are seeing themselves for the first time from two different countries, from two different nations, and these internal sensations that I had. And even if that he was not a believer, I was sure that this is the person who would be my husband as it as it later happened.

SPEAKER_00 27:00

Yeah. So when you reflect on that now, do you think God that was you talking to me?

SPEAKER_03 27:07

I'm absolutely sure because I think God brought me in his life to turn him to Jesus, especially having in mind his premature death and copied a lot of healing uh in his life. And of course, he brought him into my life because uh he was in many, many ways an enormous blessing for me. Um I think this was for me the best person I could wish for to be my husband. I mean, um I uh he provided for me an environment in which I could heal, with which I could grow and uh strengthen my relationship with the Lord. And um for this I'm really extremely grateful to the Lord that he brought us together in this certain period of time, and we both were a blessing to each other in different ways.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

So even before he was a believer, he was supporting you in your faith.

SPEAKER_03 28:04

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And he was uh asking questions and he um yeah, of course, then he had um uh quite different opinions because the all the problem came from the fact that he was um raised Catholic and he studied in a Catholic uh school and um in Austria, and the things he saw there actually um um made him uh made him um say no to the faith because I mean he didn't tell me details, but he told me that he saw an extreme hypocrisy between what was taught there and uh the behavior of the teachers, which were Catholic priests. Also, there were some other cases uh involved in the school. Uh and um this, I think, as many people he identified the Catholic Church or the Catholic priests with God Himself, somehow these two were together in his mind. And um that's why he um yeah he didn't like this God, let's say like this. He didn't like the Catholic God. This was not the God he wanted to put his faith in.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

No, he didn't like the Catholic God, okay, because he was equating um the the god that you you were worshiping, he was equating him with the the the abuses he saw in the Catholic Church.

SPEAKER_03 29:32

Yes, so it took a lot of talking, a lot of talking, not um to show him that uh this is uh we are talking about different gods, but it was not just talking. I think um to a certain point uh I even stopped talking because you know when you talk uh it can be also irritating for the other person. I think uh the way I lived um and the way our relationship developed was uh much stronger testimony to him uh than any words that I could have used. So this was definitely yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

So this is another memorial stone.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

A big memorial stone, yeah, right?

SPEAKER_00 30:13

Like the love at first sight that you guys fell in love within that short time. Um and then the impact that you and your faith had on him, and then the impact he had on you, just on how he initially how he loved you, how he took care of you, and even just supporting your faith, even though he uh wasn't there yet.

SPEAKER_03 30:37

Yes, he supported me in every way. Uh, I mean, not only my faith, uh, I really this was a person who gave me a complete freedom in my choices, and uh, and uh um he supported every of my initiatives, I mean, about work, jobs, what I want to do, uh, how we do the everyday life. He was really very, very supportive and very uh responsible and caretaking, and this is what I missed uh a lot now.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

Yeah, yeah. So that that's a good segue to go into um the tragedy of losing of losing him. Do you mind going into that?

SPEAKER_03 31:19

Yeah, this was really a tragedy because the interesting thing is perhaps this is also a memorial stone. Um, is that in May 2020 um I remember a moment, simply I remember a moment when uh I felt extremely, extremely happy to be to the virg. I mean, we were in a sitting in a garden, I was uh putting my head on his uh legs, I was staring at the sky, we were under a tree, I was looking at the tree, and I was thinking, feeling and thinking and saying to God, I've never been so happy in my life. I mean, I'm so happy that I can't imagine that I could be more happy than this. I mean, you gave me so much, uh, you healed me, you healed Thomas, you you healed our marriage. I'm so extremely happy. I have everything that that I ever wanted. I felt this, and this was really a very special moment in in to remember. I simply remember it as a moment. And um yeah, this was in May. And then at the end of June, he uh was taken, emergency taken to the hospital, so one month later, uh for an emergency heart surgery, which went actually very well. But uh after that, after the surgery, there were complications. He went two more times in surgery, in two medically induced comas he was, and from the second coma he never actually woke up. And uh this was the heaviest two and a half weeks in my life when he was in the hospital, and I was agonizing at home, praying to God uh 24-7 that uh he spares his life. But he didn't spare his life and didn't heal him, and I think this was the the biggest um blow that I ever experienced in my life at this time. And actually up to now in my life, I would say.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

And so this was in this was during COVID, so exactly everyone was quarantined, yes, right? Yes, this is so yeah. How how did you find did you have support like um during this time and in terms of prayer or even your family? Like how how did you go through this with your husband in the hospital and then everything progressing?

SPEAKER_03 33:54

I didn't have so much supporting, I mean face-to-face support. This was impossible because his family was not living in our city. Uh actually, his family consisted of uh a couple of persons, and uh they were in different cities uh in Austria. And uh my family was in Bulgaria, we have a couple of friends. I got a lot of support online, I need to say, uh, from my online friends, also uh on uh talking on the phone with all my friends, with my my family, but face to face, really a real physical presence.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

This was no, you couldn't because of the quarantine.

SPEAKER_03 34:34

Yeah, yeah, and uh even I was uh thankful to God, and even now I see that it was a miracle that in these two weeks and a half uh from the hospital they um allowed me exactly two times in these two uh weeks and a half to visit him because even this was not allowed, so I could see him at least uh two times uh for short. And uh yeah, difficult.

SPEAKER_00 35:03

Very difficult. So what were um you know, you were praying, he's he's in the hospital, the surgery goes fine, but then he has complications after you're at home, you're praying, you're praying. What were you believing as you were praying?

SPEAKER_03 35:20

Yeah, I was surely believing that God would heal him. I even didn't uh let this uh thought that he would die. This this was a thought I was not um allowing myself to think, so to say. And that's why that's why it came as such a shock, because till the last moment I was having an extreme hope and uh and belief that uh because for me it didn't make sense the whole thing. But this is what I that's why I explained this story, uh thought about uh this moment in May, because uh I thought, okay, uh God brought us so far, obviously He has uh a future for us if He brought us so far and did such great things in our lives. So for me it didn't make sense that exactly now I mean He'll take His life prematurely. It didn't make any sense to me, so that's why I didn't allow this talk at all. So it was a great show.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

So how did you process that with God?

SPEAKER_03 36:19

Oh, I'm still processing it, I need to say. It will be now in the beginning of July, exactly six years since his death. And I need to say, I'm still uh on the grief journey, I'm still processing this. And uh on this grief journey, of course, there were a lot of memorial stones, a lot of too many. I will share some of the major ones perhaps. Yeah, perhaps in the beginning, because the beginning is always the difficult, uh, the most difficult, and then uh perhaps uh the the memorial stones when things really shifted or when there was a change in my grip journey. Um so the first uh memorial stone, this is I think an interesting testimony perhaps uh uh to the listeners, uh, happened on the day uh when I saw him uh alive for the last time. Of course, I didn't know that I see him for the last time alive. I didn't know, of course, but uh but God knew surely. So um on the way uh on the way home um I had a very, very um heavy bad feeling. So a feeling as if my heart will break. I mean, very, very heavy feeling. And then God gave me three visions uh on the sky. I mean, from the clouds, painted with clouds. I really uh then made the picture of two of them because these were amazing pictures on the sky made from clouds. I don't know if only I saw this, but uh definitely not because I sent the photo to my sister too. And the first was two wings, so two wings made from clouds. So, really, all the feathers you could see, really, so enormous wings in the sky. And uh immediately the phrase came to my mind: angel wings, angel wings. And uh, of course, I knew angel wings are a sign or symbol of God's presence. This is definitely so. Uh, but uh I also think and then later taught that they are also a symbol of death because uh the presence of angels can be also um um connected with uh with the heavenly kingdom, so it's taking uh a person, uh so to say, the presence of God, not only the presence of God, but taking someone in the presence of God. And uh of course at this time I didn't think so, but later I'm sure that this was a way for God to prepare me somehow. This was the first. The second I saw in the sky uh while I was walking hours and hours was um two figures of um two birds, and I thought these are eagles. I don't know how I thought that's eagles, but this is what came to me: one large eagle and one small eagle. And of course, I thought, okay, this is me and God, God the great the big eagle and me the small eagle, and uh the verse that immediately came to me, and this is a light burst for me. I I'm still holding on to this, is uh Isaiah 40, the last verse. Um those who wait on the Lord uh will renew their strength, and God give strength to the weary, and um they will sow on like eagles, and I mean this was really They're running up for weary, they'll walk.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

Yeah, exactly. And he was obviously preparing me. And the third uh symbol that I saw, or so picture from clouds. Uh I don't have uh a firm uh explanation for this. I mean what this could mean. Uh, this was uh so the um the contours of a human face, so just a human face. Um I'm I'm thinking that this uh perhaps symbolizes the presence of Jesus or Jesus himself in with me in the grip journey, but I I'm still not. Or perhaps uh let's say the the son of men, because human face, the son of man, the one who experienced all our sorrows, all our weaknesses, he knows what pain is because he experienced it in his body. But um yeah, this this was on the on the day when I saw him uh alive for the last time. And then on the on the day after he died, so on the first day uh of my loss, of my grief journey, uh I opened my Bible because uh I mean this this was my habit. And it doesn't matter how I feel. Every morning I start with my Bible and and with prayer. This is simply uh part of me. And I opened my Bible and then I read this verse. Uh I will read uh read this verse now from um from Job 23, 16, 17. So the verse is uh God has made my heart faint, the Almighty has terrified me, yet I'm not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face. And uh this verse uh spoke directly to my heart because uh I took at least two things from this verse, uh this first day. Uh the first is that God uh acknowledged uh my pain, my darkness, that he knew very well what is happening to me now. Uh, this was the first thing. And the second was the second part of the verse, the darkness will not silence me. Uh so this um gave me the first seeds of hope because uh the darkness will not silence me, it would mean for me not only that I will survive, but most importantly, that my fate would survive. Because this is a blow that can shake somebody's fate, and it shook mine, this I need to say. And this gave me this assurance and uh that God is fully in control and that I will survive this. I mean, it it seemed impossible on the first day of losing my husband, but uh but I somehow took hold of this, took hold that he was saying this to me. This was my second memorial stone. Memorial stone three in my grief journey was uh in the presence of persons, of human help, so to say, in the first uh days, weeks, and months uh after his death, because um I was uh um not able really to take care of practical things or um you know to live a normal life. Uh so God really sent people, but this is what I want why I think this is a memorial stone, because the interesting thing was that uh he often um brought people who were not the ones I would expect, so even strangers to me, or who are strangers to this day for me. For example, let me give one example. Uh, my my husband uh was talking often about one of his colleagues, uh, a woman who he befriended, and I knew her just from him from his explain him explaining him about her. But I met her for the first time on the funeral. And then this woman actually was uh uh checking very regularly on me. She offered her help, she even helped me with packing and with a lot of stuff. She talked about a lot about Thomas. I talked with God and somehow we uh we uh had this had this connection after he was dead and I I was really um I was really amazed how God brought this person exactly to help me at this time and uh for example neighbors I had neighbors uh on uh one floor above us and we were just greeting uh each other. But after his death, this was this was a young family and they were so helpful and supportive when I felt extremely alone, uh I mean really physically alone extremely in my in my apartment. They invited uh uh me to them, we shared lunches, dinner, we talked, and this was an enormous blessing for me. So they were really persons who got sent exactly at this time for this moment.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

So how you know, I I think um sometimes uh as women it's hard for us to receive help. So how did you how were you open to receive the help?

SPEAKER_03 45:07

Um I was very open because I needed it. I knew that my condition is very bad. I mean, I felt uh emotionally, physically, and uh perhaps spiritually, I felt extremely weak and it was difficult to uh to move through the day to do what I needed to do, and I had a lot to do because uh um I decided quite soon after the death of my husband that I need to um to come back to Bulgaria so that I could not longer live there in Austria alone. Um in the apartment.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

Why is that? Did you is it because of the community you had in Bulgaria?

SPEAKER_03 45:45

Yes, mainly uh the community, uh, but of course, purely emotionally, uh it was hard for me to uh to live in the same apartment, in the same in the same rooms where I was with him and being alone. This was really very hard emotionally for me. And the second was really the community because um, as I said, his family was not there to support me. I mean, his brother was in Wien, his uh father was uh living somewhere else, and they were not in the same city. I had just a couple of friends, and um, I thought, no, I need a larger community. I would I really need help. I need people's presence, I need help. So I felt this very strong urge that I needed to move back. And this this uh required a lot of work and a lot of organization, yeah. So I needed help. And I didn't have any problem to ask for help for the simple reason I needed it. I needed it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:42

Yeah. So, Hidasa, having gone through something so difficult, um, and you you had this picture in your mind that, you know, when you were under that tree with your husband, you're like, this is the happiest day of my life. Our life is gonna be incredible. We're gonna have children, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. So after having gone through this really tragic and traumatic loss, how is it that you're still a follower of Jesus?

SPEAKER_03 47:17

And this is the real question, isn't it? Yes. Um I had my face of uh, let's say, shaking up faith and disillusionment if faith I call it, because this was the phase when I was asking a lot of questions, surely. I mean, I never lost my faith that God is a good God, that he loves me this. I never this, I never lost this faith. But I was like, Why is that?

SPEAKER_00 47:44

Do you mind sharing? Why didn't you lose your faith that God is a good God?

SPEAKER_03 47:47

Uh yeah, uh uh let me finish the sentence because I didn't lose the faith that he's a good God, but I lost my faith or questioned my faith is he if he's a fair and just God. So I had I had this uh so to say, um these two things, uh, how to reconcile them, his goodness and his justice, because to me it was unfair. I couldn't find any reasoning why my husband died at this time in this way. To me, this was completely unfair, let's say like this. This is how I how it felt. And that's why I questioned God's fairness, I questioned his justice, so to say. Not not so much his goodness, but his fairness and his justice. Actually, some of the questions that I that I asked were um, could I still trust him when he's leading me in the valley of the shadow of death? Does he still love me? And even the more important question: do I truly know him or just follow my ideas about him? This is a very important question. And is it safe for me to trust him? Is it safe for me as a person when he does what he does? So without explanations and without um, yeah, without giving any reasoning or any any obvious reason that makes sense. And these were these questions, and this was the struggle which I think I um I led with him for a year, a year and a half. Like Job. Job became my really became my friend, I need to say this time. I was reading a lot of in the book of Job. Because I mean I can't compare with Job, uh, but I can compare my struggle with with his because he also struggled to to keep his faith uh in God, to keep his um trust in him. And uh of course he had his why questions too. Yeah, and uh uh I actually um perhaps the key is in the fact that I never let um never never drew back from from God. I never stepped back, I never turned my back to him. I mean, I was coming to him, doesn't matter how, I mean, angry, with doubts, with um um accusations, let's say like this, but I was coming to him. I was bringing all this in his presence. I was reading the word every day. As I said, this is a habit of mine. Uh, I mean, I feel naked if I don't uh read um my Bible in the morning, if I'm not journaling, if I'm not praying, I feel naked. I can't start the day. I think this is the habit of many, many years simply, and I couldn't break this habit for good. So uh I think this was the key, and and then, and here's the shift, then at a certain point, three shifts happened, or three things happened, three mini, or perhaps not so many memorial stones happened that actually helped me to uh to start to change my perspective and to start to heal. And these three stones were uh first, this was my decision. This was really a decision that that was a separation line, marked a separation line. And the decision was um that I would stop blaming God for the death of my husband, and I would never ever hold a grudge against him because of his death. So this was the decision. I'm holding this decision since this moment on. I think this was four or five years ago. So never to blame God about this and never holding a grudge against him, because this was actually creating the distance between him and me. And when I took this decision, this distance starting to melt because it was a distance created in me from me. This was not a distance that God created.

SPEAKER_00 51:49

So, how did you arrive there? How did you come to realize that um you blaming God was creating distance?

SPEAKER_03 51:59

I don't I don't know exactly how. I'm sure this was an everyday leading of the spirit through what I was reading, through what I was, through what other people were telling to me. And at certain point it became completely clear to me, so really very clear that I was blaming him, and that as long as I'm taking offense in him, as also Jesus is saying, uh, blessed is the one who is not taking offense in me, because many people actually took offense in him, including believers. Um as long as I'm taking offense in him, because I don't understand his ways, because all come from this, I'm not understanding what's happening, that uh I will not uh have a progress in my healing, that I will not have um I will not be able to move forward in my grief journey. And this was really a very, very clear, um, clear thought. And of course, this thought provoked the decision that I needed to do this. This is depending on me. This is not something God would do for me. I need to do this.

SPEAKER_00 53:02

Yeah, so so what I'm hearing is that um, and and what I hope the listeners take from this is that you were in a place where you were you're blaming God for your husband's um passing, but he had given you the memorial stone of community, right? And so you were still engaging with community, even though it was online. People were praying with you, talking with you.

SPEAKER_02 53:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:32

Um you were also engaging with your memorial stone of your spiritual discipline. And we can even take that all the way back to your grandmother reading that New Testament when you didn't understand, right? So you kept going, you you stayed in your in your word, you stayed praying, um, and you continued to have time with God, but you were also having time in community with others. Yes, and and I think the reason I want to to make that point, Hadassah, is yeah uh for the listener is because um sometimes, and this is something that I've learned myself, is that between when you're not clear exactly what God's doing or where you are, maybe you're angry, or maybe you've taken offense, or maybe you're depressed. But when we continue with these things that he's already given us, when we stay um engaging in our word. And sometimes if you can't even physically read it, then just play the audio. Um, and then when we stay engaged in community, eventually we'll hear what he's saying because he's speaking from those places. There was an interview I did with Kathy Garland um that released a few weeks ago. You know, she said when God is silent, sometimes He's He's just playing hide and seek with you. So look for him in a different place. So if you were only finding him in um reading your Bible, but then now also look for him when you go for a walk, or look for him when you're having a conversation with your friend, um, or look for him when you're journaling, or look for him when you're doing something creative. But I think that's really important that we're listening for God in all of these different places, even if we, you know, you said I didn't, I don't know how I quite arrived there, but all of these different pieces, but then you mentioned those pieces, and all of those different pieces helped you arrive there to make the decision that God, I'm not gonna blame you anymore because this blame is creating distance between us. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 55:55

And you're absolutely right. I actually now when I think, even how I'm living my life now and and then I'm actually looking for him in all the places when I think. Because so often happened that God spoke to me through a line in a movie or through a line in a conversation or in during a walk, as you said. I mean, I I think I was so desperate at this time that I was really um alert, alert somehow to hear from him, to understand from all possible places. I was looking him in all possible places, and I think uh uh of course he's strongly present in the word. This is, of course, we need to say this because he talks most clearly from in his word, but uh he's God and he can talk through everything and through the stones, even he can talk about it. Right, even a donkey. Absolutely, yeah, through a donkey. So it's uh when we seek for him, surely he will not remain silent. So this is definitely true. And I just want to add to this first decision. There were two more that came that brought the shift. Yes, and the the second was um the moment when I asked him to turn my pain into purpose, and that my today's pain would be somebody else's game. I mean, I think I think I read this somewhere, and this so much resonated with me that I was sure that this is the stage that uh that God wants me to really consciously and willingly to present my pain to him and say, okay, this is it, take it. I don't want my suffering to be in vain. Please turn it into purpose and turn it into somebody else's gain, not just my gain, but to somebody else's game. So that I could really minister to people who perhaps uh go through the same similar struggles. This was the second thing, and the third thing was uh, and actually the third thing is something that I'm doing every day. So I need to do this every day, and the third thing is this when I decided that I don't need understanding and knowledge to trust him completely.

SPEAKER_01 58:08

So this is the third thing, yes, yes, and the most important thing.

SPEAKER_00 58:13

The most important thing, yeah, yes, yeah, like I oh gosh, I've been through that. It's like okay, Lord, I have to surrender this need for understanding to be able to trust you, like yes, yeah. That that's freeing when you come to uh embrace that. Yes, yes, yeah, wow. Well, Hadassah, we've I feel like we've got a whole lot more to talk about, but we're at time. So um why don't you uh just share with the listener uh anything else you'd like them to know? And then I would love it if you could close us in prayer.

SPEAKER_03 58:53

Yes. Uh I want to share something very short. Uh perhaps the essence or the the major takeaway I would like the listeners to take from all this. Really, for me, this is the main thing. And this thing is God's presence is everything. This is everything, and we need to stay connected to him. We need to abide in him because his presence changes and transforms everything. Uh, grief, losses, darkness, ministries, souls, lives. This is his presence. So let's make his presence the center of our lives. This is my my message, which I want to share with us.

SPEAKER_00 59:33

Let's make God's presence the center of our lives. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03 59:38

And uh uh, of course, I uh would be honored to uh pray for the listeners, and uh this will be also the main thing in my prayer. So, Lord, we we come to you, and uh I'm thankful for all the people who listen to this uh interview, who listen to this podcast, and who will listen in the future. I'm praying for all of them. Please take our words and um take them and let your Holy Spirit minister, minister to each heart through these words and speak to each individual individually and according to the need, according to the purpose. Lord, I pray that everybody who listens really take you seriously and make your presence the focus of their lives. Uh, take you seriously and um stay connected with you. So uh really make us uh long for your presence, make us um desire your presence above all, and make us trust you, especially, especially when we don't understand, especially when we have questions, especially when we have doubts. So we want to trust you, Lord. Bless our listeners today. And I pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:59

Amen. Amen. Thank you, Hadassah. Um uh listeners, I would love for you to connect with Hadassah. Um, she has a book called Draw Near, How Painful Experience has become the birthplace of blessings, which I will link um in the show notes. And she also has a blog. So, Hadassah, tell us um your uh blog address, social media handle so that the listeners can connect with you.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:27

Yes, my blog is called on theway pg.com. And uh uh I'm very, very honored that my blog is for two years, 2025 and this year, in the uh 100 top list of fake blogs by rank by Fitspot, which uh is really uh um yeah, a present from the Lord. Uh and uh um yeah, on the way uh bg.com is the blog. And uh I have different two different handles on social media. One is Adassa Troy, my name. Uh with this handle you can find me on Instagram, and with the handle on the way big uh you can find me on uh Pinterest, on uh Facebook, and on Twitter or Hicks Hicks at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:13

Great, yeah, and I'll make sure to link all of those in the show notes.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:17

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:18

Thank you so much. This was this was great.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:22

Thank you. I enjoyed a lot our conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:27

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