The Divorce Episode

This episode is a little different than usual. Elly opens up about divorce, and Annie listens and supports. Thanks for tuning in.

#Divorce #BreakUp #Heartbreak #HealingJourney #LifeTransitions #SiblingPodcast

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome. To the long-distance siblings podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

That's Ellie Trevason. That's Annie Trebison. And we're long-distance siblings making it work across the miles.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

We're always in each other's ears. Now we're in yours. Let's get into it. Indeed, let's. Here's what happened, listeners. We spent about 30 minutes trying to record our usual podcast. And then we aborted that and decided to come back. I've been having a big like wave of grief right now regarding my divorce. And I haven't really talked very openly about my divorce on the internet. And I've really struggled to know how to talk about it because I want to be respectful of my daughter's privacy, obviously. I want to be careful. At the same time, it is a big, a big part of my life. It is kind of the main thing in my life right now. And it's been the main thing of my weekend. So Annie suggested that we just talk about that on this episode. And I'm nervous, but I wanted to also give it a try at the same time. Last night, uh, what was your experience of last night, Annie?

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Last night, Ali had some really big feelings come up. Um, and I think I felt like really sad that I couldn't be there just to hold you while you were crying. And I really wanted to be able to hold you with my presence. I just really wanted you to know that whatever was coming up, whatever you were feeling was okay. And I feel like there was a point where like I just really knew that you were gonna be okay. And I feel like it was at like your deepest sob and like your harshest things that you were saying, and you had you're like, I have to go to like go blow my nose or something like that. And I just like kind of chuckled to myself where I was just like, oh, like they're gonna be okay. Like this is so hard. Because I think also we're so close, and there can be a part of me where I'm like, oh God, like are they gonna be okay? But I really just felt like uh I felt like I could really tap into like our our higher selves, like knowing that we're gonna both be looking back on this and be like, that was such a tough time that they're going through. And just that like both of us are gonna be absolutely okay and past past this. Yeah, I I think you were really, really feeling like the depths of the depths of despair last night. And I honestly I felt a little relieved because I feel like it's been building for a while.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

It is a really strange thing to have been the one to initiate this divorce, to be building the life that I have wanted for so long, to be feeling like more myself than I ever have, to be more free than I ever have, and to know that this is absolutely right for me, but also to be deeply, deeply heartbroken still deeply heartbroken and to have like such a deep longing that for a relationship that I put so much work and effort and time into. And I have never said this on the internet, but I still love him. Of course you do. Of course you do. And um I was telling Annie not for the first time, but I guess in a very dramatic way because I was sobbing and hyperventilating, um that it it is so hard to have a front row seat to seeing him move on so strongly to be moving on so aggressively. Um is that a fair description?

SPEAKER_00 4:53

Yeah, moving on aggressively, yeah, yeah, which and yeah, and it's like methinks you protest too much, or whatever the fuck that phrase is. Methinks you are moving on far too aggressively for it to be real, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:11

And I I do, I have a front row seat, and that is a really, really, really hard thing about having a child with someone that you are divorcing and or breaking up from. Because as Annie has been pointing out to me and reminding me, the divorce, which I have wanted so badly for this divorce to be finalized, it's not gonna end my ties to him. It's not going to allow me to stop having to interact um and to stop getting updates about his aggressive moving on. Yeah, I want to like share why my divorce is taking so long. Because I've gotten some comments on my YouTube channel asking, like, well, why is this divorce taking so long? Are you arguing over money? And I would just like to put all the rumors to rest. We are not arguing about money. We have a child together, and obviously, she is very important, and what happens with her is very important, and so the custody aspect is what has been making this divorce go on for so long. We figured out the assets and the money quite quickly.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yeah, it's it's basically been a custody war for the past year and a half.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Yeah. Yes. And the other thing I think people don't understand about divorce, which makes sense. If you haven't gone through it, you wouldn't know. It's just a very long process in general. Um, there's a lot of hurry up and wait that happens with it because there's paperwork on paperwork on paperwork, and you have to file certain things at first at certain times, and then you have to wait for the judge to like approve it, and then it gets sent back, and all of this has waiting periods, and then you have to remember that there's two lawyers that have to communicate with the two parties and then with each other, and a lot of times lawyers, because they can afford to go on vacation for long periods of time, they just you know they're working on another case, so they're not able to work on your case for a while, and being very vague here, but different people have different uh timelines, or I have been very eager to get this shit going. Yeah, the same cannot be said of the other party, so that has been a big frustration for me. Personally, I would much rather have the legal things done as quickly as possible and then move on. Not everybody feels that way, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. Yeah, a big part of my grief is facing my fantasy of what I have hoped for this relationship and not just the marriage relationship, but also the co-parenting relationship. I went into this divorce thinking that we were going to be supportive, co-parents. I just had a lot of ideas that have not come true, and I am still still struggling to accept the reality versus the expectations. And we separated in July of 2022. So it feels embarrassing to be this far along and to still be struggling so much with the reality versus the expectations. I guess I having that experience last night of all those really, really, really, really deep feelings come up that I was very surprised by. I was like, the hell? Like, I didn't know I still felt like this. Um I guess it made me, it was a little sobering. It was like, okay, this is where I'm at. I don't want to be, but it's where I'm at. And I think I would rather be honest rather than pretending. So even though it does feel deeply embarrassing to be like, I'm almost four years into this process, and I'm still having mental breakdowns over it, and I'm still struggling with accepting this reality rather than the expectations that I had and the fantasy that I was so committed to for so long, and that I put so much time and effort and work into.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Yeah, but I think that makes sense. I mean, you were together, we said this last night, but you were together for over a decade. You met this person when you were 20 years old, freshly out of your cult, and your brain developed around this person. I think of course it's gonna be take it's gonna take a while, some time to like detach and process all of this. And I think letting go of a fantasy is so, so much harder than letting go of the real person because the fantasy is who you were attached to the entire time. Uh, you know, I can say that was true for my past really intense experiences with people. I would imagine, I think we've talked about that, that is true for you as well, and for a lot of people who are in toxic slash abusive relationships and who grew up the way that we did. I don't think you've you're doing anything embarrassing at all. I think you're really, really brave for facing your feelings and for letting yourself go there. I know a lot of people who do not let themselves get to a raw experience of certain parts of themselves, and they will just continue to banish that part over and over again. And I think I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I think you're doing such a favor to yourself. I think you're really laying the groundwork for future you. And I'm really proud of you. Really, really proud of you. I think you're gonna get through this. I think that there is absolutely a version of you on the other side that is grateful, that will understand more. It's you're gonna have so much more perspective. And I think you had said last night, like you can't be in a relationship with someone when you're feeling this way. Like you, it's not fair to them. But I think you're not in a relationship with someone right now, and you're intentionally going through this. That can't, that's not the same, that cannot be said for your ex. Right? He's choosing to be in a fully committed relationship shortly after a decade-long marriage without any kind of processing. And jump right in. That will come out sideways, one way or another.

SPEAKER_02 13:46

To quote Robin Hood, but when Klucky, when I'm just amazing, I feel like I feel like I don't ever get to be in a relationship of my own because I'm gonna be grieving forever.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

I know it feels that way right now, but no, not at all. You're you're still in it, you're still in it, and it takes a long time to process an over a decade-long relationship. It would be a lot to ask of yourself right now, and you absolutely will.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

You absolutely will. Chat GPT told me I was ready for a relationship recently, and I think I gotta stop listening to that thing. Right.

unknown 14:30

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

I've been trying to quit Chat GPT. That is my biggest addiction, man. I know it's bad for me, I know it's bad for the environment. I feel guilty every time, but I still use that damn tool.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

I do too. I mean, oftentimes I'm like, what are you talking about? That's so so such bad advice, Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

I registered for another one of those queer speed dating things. Nice, and it's on it's like the middle of March, and I haven't told you yet because I was saving it for the pod. Oh, like it's gonna be great content, but like now after my mental breakdown last night, I'm like getting in a relationship with any of those people.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

You're going on a speed dating thing.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

I know, but it just feels I don't know. I feel like I don't deserve to even go to that thing because of how like where I'm at right now emotionally. I'm emotionally unavailable to the core.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

That's not true. That's not true. You are literally by experiencing your emotions, you are allowing yourself to be emotionally available, you're making your emotions available to yourself and then to others. Part of being in a relationship with someone is not I'm having all these big feelings about my ex. Like, it's about like, can I be open to you as a person? That's what's fair, and you're creating room and space for other people by allowing yourself to feel and move through the emotions. You are not the emotions, the emotions are moving through you. You are a person that is experiencing grief and sadness and regret and longing and all of these things.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Do you think it's weird that like literally the week before I had this breakdown, I was starting to feel a little bit ready for a relationship. Not that I was like, oh, I'm gonna go find one, but just that I was like, oh, I kind of feel open to that if I met the right person and if it developed slowly and naturally.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

I think it makes total sense because the part of you that's still connected is like, are you fuck off? Are you kidding me? No, this is what we want, you know? Like the part of you that's like younger and wants this is like, no, that sounds horrible. I want this, not that. This I've I've put on all this work on it. You're you're telling me we can't have that. You're telling me I have to actually move on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

I've mocked my glasses. It's okay. Yeah, it was absolutely a younger part of me last night. It was it was 2022, me. So what is that? 31? It was my 31-year-old self. The person that was uh newly separated and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Yes, yes, because I think it's uh you and I have experienced this, so I could be projecting, tell me if it fits, but it's your identity, it's that you know, your ident part of you and your identity and your aliveness and just existing, like being a real person, is intrinsically connected to somebody else, and having to detach that and become you, inherently just you without him, is absolutely terrifying and devastating and feels like free fall to that part of you. There are other parts, there are parts of you that are ready, there are parts of you that are like that guy, oh my god, not that guy again. Are you kidding me? But the part that needs attention and care is the part that's like, no, I will disappear without you.

SPEAKER_02 18:59

Yeah, he has witnessed so much of me and my life. Yes, my entire 20s. There's this song that says, I I gave all my 20s to you. Was it I wasted my twenties on you? It was one of those. Is it it's a scissors song, right? No, it's not. It's by Giveon. I'm not sure if I'm saying the artist's name correct. I'm not saying I wasted my 20s, but part of you feels that way. Yeah. Dude, yeah. But either way, he had my everything. He had my absolute everything for a decade of my life, a very formative decade, where I literally deconstructed my entire faith, cut my dad off, learned to set boundaries with family and like figure out what I believed and who I wanted to be, and all of that.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

Because I didn't get out much, he was the person who saw all of that. He was the main person. Yeah. Do you want to talk about your experience of that? Of me being so isolated during that time. Oh, sure. Well, like you're I thought that's what your face was saying.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Well, your stupid fucking ex um was pitting Ellie against me, was like, you shouldn't be talking to your well, really isolated them from their family. So even though I'm trying to be respectful because of our shared little person that we love very much.

SPEAKER_02 21:03

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

For that decade, even though his family was far from perfect, like all families are far from perfect, nobody's gonna have a great, you know, wonderful picture. But because ours was so pungent, I suppose, our family and what we were going through, and um, yeah, he he was constantly in Ellie's ear telling them that they should uh not talk to me, uh, that we were too close. Since breaking up with him, that has been a big part of us coming back together and becoming closer and working through things in our past, uh, was because he wasn't isolating me. Them socially. I mean, not socially, uh like familially with their family. He was extremely controlling of you in many, many aspects of your life.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

If all of that is true, so I can neither confirm nor deny. Um, isn't it embarrassing that I feel longing towards him and then I feel heartbroken?

SPEAKER_00 22:28

No, it makes so much sense. Of course you feel that way.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

Getting married so young has had a profound effect on my life.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

Yeah, up until this point, I still got a lot of life to live. I feel thin.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

Like too much butter scraped across.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

Not enough bread. How do we rum? Not enough butter. Too much bread. Oh price, not enough butter. I'm trying to quote Bilbo baggins from Lortheranks and failing.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

I know. I know I have a lot of life ahead of me. I'm 35, still alive, still kicking.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Kicking, man, thriving. I love you, Ellie. I love you too, Annie. You have so many cool experiences in your future, and you have done so much in such a short amount of time. I know it feels like a long time, but it's really been a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things. You're killing it.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Thanks, Annie. Thank you. I really couldn't do it without you. You totally could, but I don't want to. I don't want you to either. So, anyways, thanks for watching.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

We'll be back in a week and a half or two weeks.

SPEAKER_02 24:14

Feel free to send us your questions. Hopefully, next episode will be a little bit lighter.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Whatever. Whatever. This is life. This is life, and isn't it beautiful? Wouldn't it be so boring if we were one of those men who go through life up here and they can neither feel deep joy or deep pain and they live in purgatory? Doesn't that sound horrible? It does. It does. It sounds like hell to me. Yeah. I love to feel a good gut-wrenching cry. Thank God for that. I'm alive. I can't do drugs anymore, so I might as well have a deep, deep sob. Otherwise, what's the point? Why can't you do drugs anymore? I feel like my drug days are behind me. What about when I try drugs someday?

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Are you gonna jump back in with me?

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Probably not. I feel like it would be good to I could be there for you, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

I'm probably not gonna try them until I'm 45. So that's so arbitrary when you fly.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

So arbitrary.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Okay, just because you decided 45.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

That feels right. I'm just guessing. I think Noah just farted. Nice. Because I heard a noise and then I turned around. He's completely knocked out sleeping. Nice. Wow, he looks so peaceful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

A deep fart. You just had an emotional deep fart. It's disgusting. But don't you feel so much better and lighter?

SPEAKER_02 26:02

I zoo. I actually really want to thank you for suggesting that we do this as our podcast episode because it does feel like a relief to say some of this out loud. I have been very wrapped up careful with um what I say and I've held back a lot. And um honestly, I think part of it is because on my last channel, X1D Diaries, I said a lot of things about my marriage that I have a different perspective on now.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Yeah, and like if someone who is in your life and it's like they're metaphorically having a gun to your head and they're like, say this about me. It has a very different context than if you're free and able to let your sibling fill in the gaps.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

You know what's weird? When we first started recording, it was all cloudy, and then in the middle the sun came out, and now it's all cloudy again. I feel like that's how feelings work.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

Yes, you are the sky, my friend. I'm the sky.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

I'm proud of you, Ellie. I love you so much. I love you too. Um, any anything you want to share with the world?

SPEAKER_00 27:30

If any of you have any similar struggles that you want advice on, would like to air, would like to put in the comments or in our email, we would be so happy to. If you don't want your name out there, just let us know in the email and we can share your story anonymously. But you're not alone.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

Thanks, Annie. That's a nice message. Yeah. All right. We'll see you in a couple weeks, everyone. Chat soon. Bye. Bye.