Pouring Out & Filling Back Up: A Fundraiser’s Guide to Renewal with Melody Wells

How a major gifts fundraiser prevents burnout by planning emotional refills on purpose.

Fundraising asks a lot of your brain, your heart, and your nervous system. In this conversation, Erin sits down with major gifts fundraiser Melody Wells to talk honestly about what it costs to pour yourself into donor relationships—and how she intentionally fills back up so she can keep doing the work she loves.

Melody shares how integrity and alignment (her version of ikigai) fuel her fundraising, why she refuses to take donor “no’s” personally, and how anxiety work and therapy unexpectedly prepared her to stay steady in the yes/no roller coaster of major gifts. She also walks through the three personalized “refill” categories she keeps on a written list—so when she’s emotionally depleted, she doesn’t have to think about how to recover.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why caring deeply about the mission both powers your work and drains your emotional reserves
• How Melody separates her worth from donor decisions—seeing both yes and no as not about her
• The concept of ikigai and how it helped her pivot from celebrity journalism into meaningful fundraising
• Why planning post-campaign recovery in advance is as important as planning the campaign itself
• Melody’s three renewal buckets: staycation/retreat, energy release, and empowerment & mental strengthening

Journal prompt:
Where does fundraising most “drain your cup” right now—and what would go in your own three categories of renewal to intentionally refill it?

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Transcript

Erin McQuade-Wright 0:02

Welcome to the Brave and Balanced Fundraiser, the podcast I wish I'd had during my 15 years as a professional fundraiser. I'm your host, Erin McQuade Wright. This is your space to breathe, realign, and reconnect with a part of you that chose this work for a reason. Together we'll explore tools and practices that help you show up less stressed and spread thin and more grounded, brave, and on purpose. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started.

Erin 0:40

Hi guys. I'm excited to bring you my conversation with Melody Wells today. She is gonna talk about how fundraising costs the pouring out of your heart and how she intentionally fills that back up again. And I think you're gonna get a lot of ideas out of this and maybe things that you can put into action today that are gonna help you on your fundraising journey, be kinder to yourself and do the things that work for you to renew and replenish. What gets poured out when you reach out to a donor, when you write that letter, when you set up that meeting. And I think Melody really beautifully articulates, um, her thinking on that. And I really hope that you're gonna find a lot of value in this conversation. Melody, welcome to the Brave and Balanced Fundraiser. Thanks for being here today.

Melody 1:46

Thank you for having me, Erin. And I'm really appreciative of the work that you do, and I am honored to be able to speak with you about how fundraisers can be brave and balanced.

Erin 1:58

Yeah, I, I have to say, you know, we had lunch recently together. We were talking about this topic and it's something that I just so deeply enjoy connecting with other fundraisers about. There is a certain in the trenches connection that we have as fundraisers to be able to see. Each other and be like, I know what that is like, and I, and I just appreciated how gracious you were with holding my story and how fundraising was not the easiest thing for me in my psyche, in my body, in my emotional conversation with myself, my inner dialogue. And I felt like I was in the presence of a person who could hold that and say, you know, like, I see you and. I, I, I just really appreciate how you held my story and I thought that you brought such great insights about how you deal with fundraising and how you hold it and how you go about managing your career in this space. And I wanted to bring you to my listeners and have the conversation to just hear more about. How you do it what's worked for you in the past, what's alive for you right now. And so I'll start with the, a question about what's exciting you right now about how you are feeling in fundraising.

Melody 3:39

That's a great question. I feel like, well, first I wanna say. I really appreciated your willingness to be vulnerable and share your story with me about how you made it into coaching and how that is and has been a healing experience for you from. Being a fundraiser and how fundraising really took a toll on your, like a sense of value and sense of worth and it just, I don't know, ground. It's sometimes I think about fundraising as this grind and it can grind you down to like a nub. I really feel like it, it can, if you. If you don't find ways to like hold your own sense of identity and sense of value and sense of worth outside of the work.

Erin 4:31

Yeah.

Melody 4:32

Because it demands a lot of you, it demands a lot of mental, intellectual energy thinking about how you're going to do the work. You have to be very organized. You have to be very strategic, but you also have to be. I think you, to do fundraising well means caring about the work and being authentically, emotionally connected to the cause.

Erin 4:57

Mm-hmm.

Melody 4:57

Um, I find I I've known since the beginning that like, I don't think I can do fundraising well unless I really care about what it is that I'm raising funds for.

Erin 5:07

That's interesting because I know there's different schools of thought on that and I I love that you're so clear about it. I was in grad school. And I had a visiting, uh, development person come to one of my classes and she was representing a foundation of a film star. So it was a household name. Mm-hmm. And she was raising money for that cause. And I remember distinctly hearing her say, I am one of those people who does not believe you need to be passionate about the cause to do a good job in development in fundraising. And I was like,

Melody 5:44

wow.

Erin 5:45

What?

Melody 5:46

I've never heard anyone say that, but also like, I guess they're out there. You know, I guess people are out there who can do it that way. And for me it feels like something where I have to really care about what the cause is or really believe in the organization, the mission of the organization, the leadership of the organization.

Erin 6:07

Yeah.

Melody 6:08

Really have trust and faith because I don't feel comfortable asking people to give money to something if I don't know that that money will be well spent, well stewarded if I don't believe that they will feel good about it in the end if I can't tell them honestly what is happening at the organization and believe that they should feel good about it. No, sometimes people that's, sometimes people don't feel good about it, even though I feel good about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's okay to me because that's a moment where I can learn more about what that donor cares about and is interested in. And there's usually gonna be more donors like that who care about what that donor cares about. But if I believe enough that the mission is worthy, I can. Be authentic when I'm talking with them. And if I cannot be authentic, I don't believe I can ask for money. And I have no qualms with asking for money if I believe that the mission is important. And I

Erin 7:16

really hear that integrity leads the way for you.

Melody 7:19

Yes, it does. It absolutely does. Yeah. Integrity leads the way and, if it's not something that I would give my money to, I feel as though I wouldn't. I can't in good conscience ask anyone else to do it, so that does matter to me.

Erin 7:35

So how did you learn that? Did you learn that? Is that just like integrity came first and that's who you were and your and your work fell into place accordingly? Or did you ever ask for a cause that was not aligned with your integrity and feel the pain of that and have that align you to, okay, this is how I wanna do it going forward.

Melody 7:56

Integrity came first. I think I was in a different career, completely different career. I was doing journalism and um, but I was doing celebrity journalism, which is very weird. Um, world. I was working at People Magazine in New York and I, I got to a point where I was like, I cannot do this work anymore. I do not feel like this is a good use of my energy in this lifetime. Mm-hmm. And so I discovered through doing a job unrelated to fundraising, that felt so out of alignment with whatever it was that I, I was searching for something that felt more meaningful. And so I ended up leaving that career. I spent a couple of years exploring a couple of other different potential options and wanted to not necessarily go back to school for a whole new discipline. Wanted to see if there was a way that I could translate my writing background into something that felt more meaningful and. Ended up doing a couple of internships at nonprofits where they said, oh, you could help write copy for our marketing materials or copy for our website or tell some of the donor. So tell some of the stories about, uh, the issue and that helps in fundraising. And so I ended up being kind of with the fundraisers figuring out how to convey the purpose of the organization and the mission and the impact. And I found that, that felt extremely fulfilling to me. So I said to myself, I think this is something I can do for a longer time, potentially for the rest of my career. But I wanted to find organizations that made me feel compelled to help and that was how I jumped in. And it's always been the guiding force behind me working in fundraising. And um, you know, there was a point, a really important point in my fundraising career where I was working for a nonprofit that was serving youth, young people who were experiencing homelessness. And, um, in my personal life, I was having a lot of challenges just like I was feeling really like lost and unguided, but when it came to the work knowing what those young people were going through mattered more than anything. And I was, I found that I was like, willing to talk to anybody, ask anybody to support the cause because I felt like they were just so worth it. Like I, it didn't, wasn't about me at all. It was about them and what they needed. And I just, I, there's this Japanese concept of icky guy.

Erin 10:46

Mm-hmm.

Melody 10:47

And I somehow stumbled upon this reading something online one day about icky guy, and it had to do with like what you're good at, what you like, What the world needs and what you can get paid for, all aligning. And I was like, that is it. That is where I'm at right now. And I feel like it's similar to what people call Flow state when they're working. Like I just felt like completely empowered to do that job and to go out and ask for money and, and it led to a lot of success. I didn't have any. Any insecurity when it came to doing the work itself? Um, it

Erin 11:28

sounds so I'm kind of

Melody 11:28

always searching for that.

Erin 11:30

Yeah. That's really interesting. I hear in your story that it was really a feeling That caused you to course correct from journalism into something with more meaning. Yes. And I picture it almost like a dial you needed to turn up the dial on purpose. Like give me something that's more purposeful than this. So there was a feeling of discomfort

Melody 11:58

Yes.

Erin 11:59

That caused you to take action and pivot. And in the pivoting. You pivoted toward the nonprofit sector using the same skills, rather than, yes, dropping everything and saying, okay, I gotta go to grad school or whatever. You pivoted, kept the same skills, but put them toward a different purpose. And what was the feeling when you did that? Did you have more energy?

Melody 12:25

Yes, I had more energy. I had more drive. I had. I don't know. I'm feeling it right now, like this kind of like fire in the pit of my stomach that just felt like, so empowering, and there was almost nothing that could bring me down from that. It was just this perfect moment for me where mm-hmm. I had no question in my mind that what I was doing was important and meaningful. It didn't ever feel like it was about me. Like certainly I asked people to support the cause and they said no, or they didn't come through with a donation in the end or whatever. And it didn't feel like a personal rejection at all. I didn't internalize it, I didn't personalize it. I still felt strongly that the cause was important. I still felt strongly that the way I was presenting it to people was going to resonate with the right people, and I just kept going with it. I don't know how this, I mean, it just really worked out. And I, I can't say that I had, that's in every career and so when you asked me like, what, or in every job, but when you've asked me what is like exciting for me right now, I think it's finding that space in this job finding that right message that will. Fill me with that same passion for this job. And I've been working a lot on it in figuring out how I'm going to pitch people to support. One particular fund we're working on creating that I can't talk about in more detail, but like I've, I've been working on what the pitch will be and I've been talking with people with different perspectives on endowment in particular to get a sense of what can resonate with different audiences, who it resonates really well with, who it doesn't resonate with and why it doesn't resonate and why it does resonate and. I find a lot of excitement when I get to talk to donors and constituents about, Hey, how would this sound? You know, we're working on this messaging and we'd love your perspective on it. I like to hear people's stories, which is kind of why I went into journalism in the first place, so mm-hmm. Meeting with donors one-on-one. Meeting with potential donors, meeting with non-donors. Like I even talked to somebody last night who was like, I'm not gonna give until I know what you all are invested in. And I was like, that's totally fair. And I also would love you to listen to my pitch at some point about this because I need to know exactly how it doesn't resonate and why it doesn't resonate. And if there's a way it could resonate. Um, and I just like doing that kind of research work, because you get to know who makes up the constellation of supporters of your organization and how to best attract them to a specific issue. You know, I believe that the issue matters, but I think what is most important is like, how can I convey that properly? To the people who it's gonna matter the most to. And how can I maybe come up with how can I prepare myself for the nose I'm gonna get? I like to always try to do that. So that's got me excited right now because I'm getting to talk to a lot of people. I'm getting to see why people are giving to us in the ways they're giving to us and why they're not. And I like to learn that. Especially before I like embark on a big campaign.

Erin 16:00

That's beautiful. And what you're describing to me reminds me of what you were, maybe not on a conscious level, but what you were seeking out like a homing device when you pivoted from journalism to philanthropy, that place of I want to be where I have more energy, where I feel, feel that fire in my belly, I feel more in flow, I feel more things happening. Let me go toward that. And it strikes me that even when you're interviewing someone, like. If you're in a feasibility study part of your campaign, even if you're just having a conversation and they're like, I am so not into that, you're still getting that energetic exchange of hearing, being in someone's presence, hearing from them, connecting with them on a human level. And yes, because you specialize in major gifts that's the juice for you.

Melody 17:01

That's it. That's totally it.

Erin 17:03

The Jedi move that, sometimes as a coach, I think it's really, really common that people don't necessarily see something that they're really good at as like rockstar. And so I wanna point out the rockstar that I just. Within you being able to ask for a gift and not make the no mean anything about you as a person is such a boss move. That is so much of the game right there. I'm preparing myself for the nose so that they're not going to come and pull my heart out of my chest when I hear them. Yes. It's a part of, you know, the nos don't have to mean anything about me. The more nos I hear, the closer I am to the next. Yes.

Melody 18:01

Yes,

Erin 18:02

that's true. So tell me more about how you don't make the nos mean anything about you. How did you learn to do that? Or have you always done that?

Melody 18:11

Well, I am. Okay. I'm going to be. This is like very vulnerable, but I'll share. I think that, so first of all, I will say that, like you saying it back to me is what helped me realize this, I think. Mm-hmm. Um, my battle with anxiety actually prepared me for this my battle with anxiety and the therapy I've done to like. Make the anxiety less of a hurdle in my life has prepared me for this because I spent many years of my younger life always anticipating a bad thing, like just anticipating a bad thing's gonna happen and I believed. Strongly that if I anticipated the bad thing and felt the, felt the disappointment, or felt the sadness, or felt the embarrassment or whatever it was now, I wouldn't feel it later when the bad thing really happened. And. I don't know exactly where that comes from. I'm sure Freud would have lots of ideas about where that came from. So I spent many years of my life doing that. Just not being able to be in the present moment because I was preparing for a whatever bad thing to happen and there was never any specific bad thing. But, so I'm really good at, preparing my heart for disappointment and. But I've done a lot of work by myself personally to be able to enjoy life more in general, such that I don't spend my days doing that anymore. I can really be in the moment and enjoy happiness and feelings of joy and just be present with myself and my friends and my family and be present at work and really like. Do what needs to be done in the moment. Even if it's just enjoying the moment, but the skill of being able to anticipate a disappointment definitely comes in handy when it comes to fundraising. Because it's like I have prepared myself that a no is possible. A no is always possible no matter how much a donor has made it seem like. They're on the road to Yes. A no is always possible. A yes is also always possible. But neither one I, the thing is, I try to tell myself that neither one is necessarily about me at all. So the yes isn't about me either. The no isn't about me. It's that donor wants to do this. I'm just there asking, um, or that donor doesn't wanna do this, and I'm just the person who's there asking. You will never get a yes if you don't ask. Well, that's not true. Some people will just like totally self- cultivate and make a big gift

Erin 21:07

and bless them.

Melody 21:08

Yes, we

Erin 21:08

love

Melody 21:08

them. Yes. But, you know, I actually sometimes am disappointed by those because those are the times where I'm like, I didn't get to know you. I, I can I get to know you now? But they're, I haven't had a meeting with the donor yesterday. And she was like, I brought out several of our past annual reports and she's like, oh, I've read everything on your website. I've read everything. And I was like, that's great. I'm so glad that you're so. Interested in us and that you're doing, being thorough and doing your due diligence. Did you have any questions for us? And she's like, no. Everything I know, I understand everything and I know everything, and I think you're doing amazing work. And it was so hard to have a conversation. And it ended up pivoting to like just a personal conversation. It turned out we're from the same place in this country and, um, she knows some of the places that I grew up and vice versa and stuff. So that was a nice conversation to have. But like, it made it harder to have a conversation about the organization and the mission and the cause because she had really spent a lot of time reading about everything we do and had decided for herself that she was a hundred percent sure she wanted to. Give money to us. And like there was no moment in which I could really like, insert whatever story I wanted to tell about what we do the way that I had planned to. So I felt a little sad at that moment, but I, when it comes to the yeses and the nos, I have to really just tell myself, and this is how, maybe it's a coping skill but I also feel like there's a lot of truth behind it. Like that person is either. Really into what you're doing and really ready to give to it or they're not. And the reasons behind each are totally personal. Right. Like I found out later that the person who came into our office yesterday she was like so energetic and happy and delightful and giggly and just bubbly and just a wonderful energy to be around. She had gotten divorced three months prior. And this had a big impact on her decision to make an estate plan with us.

Erin 23:16

Yeah.

Melody 23:17

And like it had nothing to do with just us. Like we were the place that she found that meant, that felt good to her, that felt like she had full confidence in, but she was looking for something to do that would feel meaningful at that point. And. We were not involved in that decision making process for her. And I find that it's very often like that, you know, a donor has made a decision in their life that they want to give to something and they are looking for the place to do it, or, you meet with a donor who you think aligns totally with your mission, but they've actually found a whole nother organization that they care much more about. And so that's why they're giving you a no, or they're having some kind of personal situation that's making them reticent about giving away money right now. And so they're holding back like it's never just you and how you presented it, and it's. It's a timing thing and there's so many pieces of the puzzle that are out of your control. So you can't take that. No. Personally, and I also think you can't take the Yes. Personally.

Erin 24:24

Yeah.

Melody 24:25

I don't know. Maybe that's for me the, that has to be a balance there.

Erin 24:28

Yeah. It reminds me of the Bava Gita, where it talks about taking action without. Control over the fruit of that

Melody 24:38

Yes.

Erin 24:39

Action and that detachment that maybe you learned on the journey with anxiety, right? Mm-hmm. How can I, mm-hmm. Keep from being on the rollercoaster of highs and lows. I'm good. We got a gift. I'm terrible. I, they said no.

Melody 24:57

Yes.

Erin 24:58

That ability to be detached seems really healthy to me, and I, and it's in contrast to my story because I can see how I was using the rollercoaster poster as a tool. I was firmly on the rollercoaster many times in my career in fundraising, and I was using it as a catalyst. I feel badly because they said no. Mm-hmm. So let me get myself in gear and really get that next gift, which was, I didn't see it at the time, but it was all about me.

Melody 25:35

Mm-hmm.

Erin 25:35

You know, it was about how good I was or how terrible I was, and any given day, I was one or the other. And when we do that, what I came to learn in my own healing journey is I was just giving my power away to the donor. I had no, that fire in the belly that you described earlier of what do I want to bring forth in myself doing this work? I didn't have it. I gave all the fire. To the donor, they, to my supervisor, they were either happy with me or they weren't, and I had to feel accordingly. And if they were not happy with me or I got the no. I would feel this resentment kick in. You can't tell me what to do. You don't know me. You don't even appreciate me. Right.

Melody 26:23

Yeah.

26:23

Yeah.

Erin 26:23

And that was like my inner teenager, like Sy and surly and it just to get back to your earlier point of going where the energy is, that cycle that I just described from my past is a really great way to spend all of your energy and bleed it out all over, like you don't have any empowerment left, you don't have any energy left. And I really love, uh, it sounds a little bit less fun than being on the rollercoaster to be detached like you're describing, but ultimately. How much healthier is that as an approach? And that's where I was able to get myself to after a, you know, a lot of self examination. So what do you feel like fundraising costs you? And how do you navigate that cost and filling up?

Melody 27:26

Well, it goes back to what I was saying earlier about, for me, I think that I do fundraising well when I care about the work and when I'm authentically emotionally connected to the cause. And also when I am authentically emotionally present in doing the work, which includes meeting with donors and. That is where I find that there's a cost for me. Now it's a cost I've decided I'm willing to spend or pay. Yeah. But you know, I find that to be emotionally present with a donor, especially a donor you've never met before, there's a lot of, um. Unknowns. Right? How is the conversation gonna go? Right? So first you are really preparing for whatever the outcome might be, and then when you're talking with a donor, you're really giving emotional energy to what they're saying. You're listening hard. You are asking follow up questions like you're very, very present. And. You want them to feel connected. So you put energy into creating that connection as much as you can. And for me, it feels like I'm pulling from an internal wealth of emotional availability. Um, I am pulling from emotional availability that. Once I give it to this donor, I can't give it to my partner. I can't give it to my friends. I can't give it back to myself if I have enough meetings in a week and I'm emotionally pulling from a place to be present with every single donor and then not just be present in the moment, but then when I write a follow up thank you card or a thank you email. I pull from it again, I remember the parts of the conversation where there was resonance and I have to be emotionally present in writing that Thank you letter. Thank you card too, right? I find that I love doing that work. It feels really, really good to me and it's exhausting. It really just depletes me in a big way. I think everyone's job has some way, well, not everyone's job. Some people are good enough to find jobs that don't emotionally deplete them. But I like that it emotionally depletes me because it means that I really do care and I'm trying my best. That's kind of how I measure. How well I'm doing in the work mm-hmm. Is like, am I really capable of being emotionally present right now with this person? Hearing their story, hearing what makes them care about being here with me, hearing their questions for us about what we're doing. If I can really be there, then I feel like I'm doing the job well. The outcome isn't as important, but I really care that that person feels heard and like the time they took to meet with me. Was important to them too. So I get drained in that work and I have to find ways to refill the whole of emotional availability. And I often find that I come home and I just don't have anything left to give and I just heat up a frozen dinner or I just order DoorDash or whatever. 'cause I can't. Do one more thing that involves any level of thought. I, I just can't, or physically I'm drained, even though I haven't physically done that much that day. I've mostly sat at a desk, but it's really because I'm putting a lot of myself, my own energy out there to make connection. So I found all these different tactics that kind of helped me. Pour back into my cup. You know, there's that saying like, you can't pour from an empty cup. Yeah. And so, on the weekends or in the evenings, I try to do things that fill my cup back up and I have like a list of things and I actually found that I've had to write them down so that I don't forget them because that's how I'm mostly drained. I can sometimes be

Erin 31:32

Oh wow.

Melody 31:33

Which I think is helpful for me. Because sometimes I forget, like I'll get so emotionally drained that I'm just kind of like, oh my gosh, there's nothing that can bring it back. But I have to. And I go and I look at the list, I'm like, okay, you can do this thing or you can do that thing. And sometimes I have to plan them in advance so that it's there and I don't have to go through the process of planning them later. Especially when it comes to like, for example, like if I wanna go to. Spa or whatever just get, go to a soak or whatever. That's one of the things I like to do is go soak in a hot tub. There's, we're lucky in New Mexico, there's places where there's like $15, you can go soak for several hours or a whole day. But I'll have to like plan it in advance, have it in my calendar, and then go do it because the process of. Planning it is like too hard to do at that point. Once I'm depleted.

Erin 32:24

Yeah,

Melody 32:25

so I, I put that on my calendar and I make it a thing that I do. A fundraising coach that I had at the very beginning of my career once told me that anytime you're doing a big event, like one of those events where you're getting sponsorships and all the things mm-hmm. Um, she was just like. As you're planning that event, plan your recovery. Make a spa retreat day or, or get a hotel room for a night or two for a staycation. Or make sure all your friends and family know, Hey, this, my calendar is clear on these days. I'm not doing anything. I need to be alone. Um, in my bathtub with the bubble bath or whatever it is, bath like. She was like, plan it in advance because otherwise you like won't do it. You'll just be too exhausted and you won't think that you can, but that'll be the thing you need. And so she's like, I always go to Hyatt Tamaya and get a spa and get like a, a massage and I've never done that. I really will go to, um, you know, the. The $15 hot tubs, but I'll do it for the whole weekend both days. Nice. And I'll bring a book or I'll bring my music or I just won't bring anything and I'll just go by myself. Um,

Erin 33:39

nice

Melody 33:40

alone. Time is really, really important for me. And when I say alone time, I mean no other human energies in my space, like no other human energies in my space. The pets can be there, but I just need to be like, I've told my partner like, I need a day where even just like, I don't have to think about, okay, what are we going to eat for lunch? What are we going to do? Like where there's any energy expended on anyone other than me? And it sounded, when I first said it, I think she was like this really selfish, but I was like, no, I think you, you just don't understand the extent to which. I feel a weight of responsibility to you if we're spending a day together and I just need a day in which I don't feel that weight at all. And so now I'm able to get it frequently 'cause I was like, I need it. I won't recover. Well if I don't have it, it will be harder for me to do family things. It will be harder for me to do friend things. I'm much more likely to flake on plans we've made with other people if I don't have the time I have alone. And she's seen it happen. She's seen me just be like, I cannot go. I'm in bed. Sorry. Tell them I'm sick.

Erin 34:53

Wow.

Melody 34:54

Because I need, I need that alone time so much. And I also, so under, I have made a little list on a little card to, to share with you. So

Erin 35:02

yeah,

Melody 35:03

there are three, three lists, three little, um, categories that I have for what I need to pour back into myself. And it doesn't mean that I have to do all these things every week or whatever, but it means that these are the categories of renewal. I need, so I need some kind of a staycation or retreat or spa day or, and time alone falls under that. Spending time in with, in the room where I have most of my house plants, um, falls under that. I love my house plants. I'm like obsessed with them. I try to check in on them every day. And they really give me a sense of peace and remind me, there's always a new leaf coming like it. I really like, learn a lot from the plants that I have and care for. And, um, they teach me a lot about resilience. They teach me a lot about I don't know, just a lot about what life is really about. You know, they change slowly and that's okay. And it's still beautiful. Like it's really, they give me a lot. Gardening growing our own food is a big thing that has become important to me. So like the last two weekends I spent digging in the dirt and planting garlic, which does really well here over winter. I. Then I read something about how soil has like something in it that can be good for mental health. And I was like, oh, that's why gardening and the plants that's right really are part of that renewal for me. Like I didn't know. And under there I also have like unstructured time with family and friends. I like to do, that feels renewing too, even though sometimes I need that alone time, but other times I just need unstructured time with family and friends where it's just like, sit around, watch a movie, do nothing.

Erin 36:51

Mm-hmm.

Melody 36:51

Um, it's not like a big specific event. It's just being together with people who. You know, you can co-regulate with. Um,

Erin 37:00

yeah,

Melody 37:00

that's really important. And then, so that's the first category is the staycation. And then the second category is energy release. Because I feel like there's also times where you're kind of revved up in this job. So last night is one of them, like I came home and I was like, revved up because we had this event. There were all these people, there were all these conversations, like there were all these ideas being thrown around. There were all these subjects being talked about. There was so much energy, I don't know, 60 people maybe in a room talking about important, important nonprofits and causes. And I didn't leave until about 8 39. And I came home and I was like, I'm tired, but I have too much energy to. Let that go. Yeah. So for me, what falls under that category is running. I'm a runner. I like to train for distance runs, so half marathons. That's really important to me. I need to physically move my body to move energy out.

Erin 37:57

Yeah.

Melody 37:57

And then, um, line dancing. I'm obsessed with line dancing. I'm part of like a queer country line dancing group in town and Oh wow. I'm one of the instructors for it and

Erin 38:07

Nice.

Melody 38:08

It just brings me so much joy to be on the dance floor doing the same moves with people.

Erin 38:14

Yeah.

Melody 38:14

Um, and there's something that I love about it that feels very like. I don't know what it is, like meditative or there's something about pattern recognition. I don't know. We do like the same dances every week and I never get tired of it. I don't understand how it works, but I can just get out there and I know the movement so well that I'm not thinking about it. I can just like lose myself and the music and the movement.

Erin 38:38

Yeah,

Melody 38:39

that's, and that's something I love.

Erin 38:41

That's entrainment. It's the same thing that happens when birds fly together in a murmuration. Oh, okay. It's, it's called entrainment and, uh, I'm a singer and when we sing, they've studied people who sing together in coral music and our heartbeats will align on the same beat.

Melody 39:01

Oh my gosh.

Erin 39:02

Okay. Yeah, we entrain to each other. It's really beautiful.

Melody 39:06

It feels so good to just be out there with my friends dancing these same dances and yeah, thank you for that. I'm gonna look that up and I'm gonna share that with them because there's a bunch of us that are like, we don't even know totally why we get so geeked out on the dances. I love it. Um, and this is why it's entrainment. So now I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell them about it and read more about it.

Erin 39:31

Beautiful.

Melody 39:31

And the last one is, um, breathwork, uh, we talked about this a little bit, but I came to breathwork through meditation, through an app that I use to track my meditation and and they have some, what's

Erin 39:43

the app?

Melody 39:45

The app that I use is called Open, and it was created by someone named, uh, Minaj Diaz. And he, he, I really enjoy the meditations that he puts into the app. And the way he talks about the different types of meditations from contemplation to loving kindness to, um. Like silence and different other types of meditations. And I'm not like a person who I see myself becoming someone who will try to seriously study meditation at some point in my life. But I like the way that the people on the app talk about it because I feel like it gives me little bits of the intellectual like understanding behind why meditation. Works without me having to go super deep into it. But breath work for me is a good energy release that I often do before I meditate. And that helps me. I do it every night. Um, it helps me to kind of like calm and. Prepare my mind and my body for rest. So I do that and I love that. And then, so there's the staycation, there's the energy release, and the last one is that I have is empowerment and mental strengthening, which I think is really important. It's just personally really important to me because I like to always be growing and improving. My sense of who I am and my sense of my worth in the world. And also understanding what barriers I have to that because I'm always encountering new barriers that are like, oh, now here's a new reason why I don't feel worth it. I don't feel great about who I am and why I'm not sure that I'm a valuable person. Like there's always some new thing that comes up and I'm like, okay, now let's explore this. So, yeah. I like to do that through meditation and journaling. So meditation really helps me like widen my window of frustration tolerance and stress tolerance. And I'm constantly trying to widen it. And I found a lot of success with it. And then journaling really helps me. Just process like what has been happening in my brain. I like to just kind of free write and then I find that things come up that I wasn't even like consciously aware of. And then my personal therapy is really important to me. Just having a place where I can. Say all the things and know that that person's never gonna tell anyone else. Yeah. I'm interested in professional coaching. I've done it a little bit, but I've never done, I haven't done it in a while. So I'm interested in exploring way, like getting that in the near future, 'cause I think it would really help me feel more empowered at work. And then. Mentorship, including peer and community mentorship. It really matters to me like finding people that, like you said at the very beginning, Erin, like that understand. You don't have to explain why being a fundraiser is difficult or why you feel challenged here or there. I find though that like it's really important to have for me, like, finding those key people who you can really be honest about it with. 'cause I found that there's a lot of fear in fundraising about really being honest about how hard it is, um Yeah, and how challenging it can be and what your specific, um, challenges are. And it's a small community and I think people are worried that. Word will get out that they struggle with this or that aspect of it. I know I struggle with that 'cause I think I'm a little bit of an empath in that I can pick up on, oh, this person's really nervous, or this person's really reserved, or person's got some ways in which they really don't wanna open up. Or the open up right now. And, um, I feel that a lot in the fundraising spaces. I feel that a lot when fundraisers get together for me.

Erin 43:56

Hmm.

Melody 43:56

Um, that people are holding back. And I sometimes really just wish we could all be a lot more honest about how. It does challenge your ability to like, feel worthy at times. I've had that experience this week where I've been like, oh my gosh, what if I'm, what if everybody here thinks that I'm not doing a great job and I don't know where it came from? I'm really struggling with it because I like we've talked most of this time about the ways in which I feel like I am pretty good at keeping a sense of balance and a sense of who I am amidst the work. But every once in a while, I think, and maybe this is what this is, I have dreamed about working where I work right now. Um, maybe this is it. When I first walked into the building that I work in right now a decade ago. I was like, oh, one day I wanna work here, I wanna work here. And um, last year when I applied for this job, I think a part of me was like, this was a dream. I don't think you envisioned it happening for another 25 years, so maybe you're not ready. There was a doubt in my head, even as I applied. And then when I was hired for this job. A couple of folks said, well, we've seen you around the community for years and we've known of your work and we've felt really strongly about having you work here. And I was kind of, that was the point where I was like, oh my God, what if I disappoint them? What if they have a vision of me in their heads? And yeah, like, I'm not that, so most of my coworkers have seen me in public speaking moments where I'm really on. And I will say that like I feel very good about my public speaking skills. I think I'm, it's one of the areas in which I'm most confident. Mm-hmm. Um, and sure of myself, and there's a whole backstory to that that's kind of funny and interesting. But I knew that everybody that I was working with had seen me do public speaking over the last decade, at least more than a handful of times. Every single one of them had. But none of them had worked with me day to day, so none of them see me managing the anxiety that I still struggle with or having moments where I'm struggling to get organized or having moments where I just have to turn off the like being on because I'm focusing on whatever work is at hand and I can't. Come off as like confident stage, appropriate melody. Like I'm just in my office. Yeah. Doing the work, you know, and I was kind of like, what if they think that I'm that person that I am on the stage all the time, like nobody is that person. But I've had some jobs tell me stuff like, or some, some employers in the past say things like, you present so well when you're with donors and when you're on stage and like, and then you get to the office and it's like, I wonder where that. Self-confidence is, and I'm like, the self-confidence is there, but you can't be on all the time.

Erin 47:14

Yeah,

Melody 47:14

my goodness. You know, like sometimes I think there's these expectations. I find myself worrying a lot about what other people's expectations of me are. Like I have expectations of myself and I'm really good at managing those even when I don't live up to them, which is very often, but. If other people expect things of me, one thing I'm not great at is doing what other people expect. Like I just can't be spending my life trying to be who another person wants me to be. I think that's healthy, but I've encountered enough people in my workplaces that have really kind of demanded me to be who they want me to be. And so I think this is a new job for me. I've been in it about six months and I feel like, I worry that there are expectations that people have of me that they haven't stated that I maybe can't live up to. And so I think, you know, something that might be helpful for me in this situation, now that I'm talking about it, this is like my journaling for a moment now that I'm talking about it, is to like see if I can get them to voice any expectations so that we can be both clear about what they are and I can be clear about what I can and can't live up to. I just don't like living under the fear of what another person's expectations might be. And I find myself living like that a lot. And I don't like it. I'm trying, I'm like an, I'm on a personal campaign against that because I think, it's not healthy, but as fundraisers sometimes I think we, we are aware that whoever we're meeting with has some type of expectation of us. And just distancing ourselves, like our sense of self-worth from what other people think we should be is really important. And you can't just guess at what some person, some random donor wants you to be. You just have to be who you are. Well,

Erin 49:17

I think there's really,

Melody 49:18

yeah,

Erin 49:19

go ahead.

Melody 49:20

Oh, and you have to affirm that that's a valuable person.

Erin 49:22

Well, and I think there's a, it's a real safety strategy. There's so much intelligence in that strategy of anticipating what someone else wants from us. Mm-hmm. Because just like when you described earlier, anticipating that there could be a no here. Helps you to not get so swept up into the maybe yesness of it that you lose yourself in that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It really strikes me as kind of brilliant to suspect that there's something that they want from us that they're not saying, and that drains energy.

Melody 49:58

It totally drains energy,

Erin 50:00

But I love the way you. What came to your mind when you were talking about taking action, which was let me go to the person and ask if there are expectations they have that I'm not meeting. And have that conversation if there are. Mm-hmm. Rather than letting that program run me in the background and just be like, let me be suspicious at all times that I'm not living up to the expectations.

Melody 50:28

Yeah. That's how I've been living this last week, and I'm really glad that we had this conversation now because it was really important for me to figure out like, what am I doing? What is, what's driving this and what's driving it is. The worry that there's expectations that haven't been said. And so it just needs to be said like, Hey I wanna make sure that we both have a realistic perspective on what this job is and how it can be. And so I really wanna get a sense of what you're hoping for so that we can discuss it and come up with, whatever it is, metrics or whatever it is that that can be. Aim toward 'cause if they're not clear Yeah. And

Erin 51:07

taking that action, you like pop the bubble

Melody 51:11

mm-hmm.

Erin 51:11

Of this sort of doom bubble that is like here at all times. Like squeezing us into the wall of the room because it's getting so big and there's not enough room for us to exist next to this doom bubble. And you just popped it when you said, let me have the conversation. It's not running me anymore. Mm-hmm. When I can say, oh, there's this, here, let me ask about this. Is this something that is real? Is it a fact or is it a feeling?

Melody 51:39

Yes. Or fear.

Erin 51:40

And it sounds like there's a right, there's a fear. Yeah. Or a feeling that that may or may not be a fact. And so I just wanna celebrate your brilliance in realizing thank this is a conversation rather than a compelling fear. Yes, that needs to be here and, and running the show. And melody, I just wanna celebrate you for your authenticity for the heart that you bring to your work for the integrity thank you, that you bring to fundraising and the, I mean, I giggled a little internally when you said that there's a struggle to get organized and I don't doubt that that feels real for you, but. My friend, you have organized categories for renewal into three categories for how you can fill back up again. I just wanna be a mirror to you and say to someone who feels like they sometimes struggle to be organized. That also happened. You did that. Yeah, sure. Not because it was an assignment. I mean, this is, you just did that for yourself as a gift to you so maybe a little context for you. Okay. And wanting to be that mirror to show you your brilliance. And I just wanna thank you for taking the time to be here today and for the work that you do and for being you.

Melody 53:05

Thank you, Erin. Thank you so much. I think that I'm excited to like, listen to your podcast because I feel like almost every sentence that you said had some important gem of insight that can help me personally grow as a person. And I think the more fundraisers who are able to have these conversations with you and uncover the ways in which they are being resilient in this work. And have you like reflect back to them the ways that they're doing that and ask these really good, really thoughtful questions about how they're doing that work. It can really strengthen us individually and strengthen our ability to. Be resilient in these jobs. And I feel like, there's a lot that gets talked about with re, with regard to fundraising jobs turnover. You know, like I think the average length of time that a person spends in a fundraising job is like 18 months or something.

Erin 54:10

Yeah.

Melody 54:10

And it's like you really can't do. The most impactful work in that am amount of time and the reasons why people are leaving jobs so fast. I have to think, have to do with how the jobs are understanding what fundraising is, and then also like the ability of the individual fundraisers too. Be resilient in the face of that and also like be empowered and set the tone for how organizations understand their work and set expectations well. And I think these kind of conversations are necessary so that people can have that strength and that fortitude and the right words to go in and really create the fundraising environments that we need to be successful.

Erin 54:59

Beautiful.

Melody 54:59

Yeah.

Erin 55:00

Well, thank you, melody.

Melody 55:02

Thank you. This has been great.

55:08

I really hope you enjoyed hearing from Melody today. I think she is a beautiful example of both pouring out from your heart and remembering to fill that heart up again. And doing that in a very intentional way. Here are some gems from the conversation. Number one, a no is always possible and so is a yes, but neither is about you as a person. Number two, ikigai is the Venn diagram of what you're good at, what you like doing, what the world needs, and what you can get paid for. You can Google that. IK. IGAI Number three, plan your nourishment in advance. It's so brilliant. Fundraisers have to be really good with a calendar, especially when planning campaigns and events. Why not add on the back end of that? Your rest your day off, your vacation, your time, soaking in a spa somewhere, whatever lights you up and refills your cup. Build that into your calendar. Number four, the roller coaster of feeling good when the donor says yes and feeling badly when they say no is a big energy drain. You can avoid this and keep your power when you get off the roller coaster and take responsibility for your own okayness rather than giving that responsibility to the donor or to your supervisor or to the board. And finally, melody's three categories for renewal. This list that she made up for herself is entirely personalized for her, but you can use this idea for yourself. Those three categories are staycation, energy release, and empowerment, and mental strengthening. So I hope that these ideas. Brought you some lightness to your spirit. I ask that if this conversation was of value to you, share it with someone who needs to hear this. Share it with a fundraiser who's feeling stressed and pressured at this time of year and needs a little bit of breathing room, and you can subscribe to the podcast and write a review that helps others to find us. And I thank you for being here.