EP10: An Unbreakable Spirit: Tauni's Journey!

Tauni's Journey: Triumph Over Tragedy

In this emotionally charged episode of the Irene podcast, we hear from Tauni, a mother of six from Idaho who now resides in Utah. Tauni shares the heartbreaking loss of her third child and the subsequent eight miscarriages that deeply impacted her family. She discusses how these tragedies cultivated a deeper appreciation for her children and shaped her resilient spirit. Tauni also opens up about her tumultuous childhood, revealing her discovery at 11 that her biological father was different from the dad she knew, and the emotional and physical abuses she endured from a stepfather. Throughout her trials, Tauni emphasizes the importance of resilience and intentional parenting, striving to break the cycle of trauma for her own children.

00:00 Introduction to Tauni's Story
00:33 Tauni's Family and Business Ventures
00:44 The Heartbreaking Loss of a Child
02:46 Coping with Loss and Finding Resilience
04:49 Multiple Miscarriages and the Journey to Parenthood
07:17 Starting a Personal Business
08:55 A Friend's Support and Business Success
10:32 Tauni's Childhood and Family Secrets
12:13 Discovering the Truth About Her Biological Father
18:18 Reaching Out to Her Biological Father
19:58 Meeting My Biological Father for the First Time
20:44 The Burden of Protecting My Siblings
21:49 Confronting the Abuse
23:41 A Traumatic Divorce and Its Aftermath
25:26 Pregnancy and a Life-Changing Injury
35:09 Reconnecting with My Biological Father
38:12 Reflections on Healing and Moving Forward

Tauni Alexander: https://www.instagram.com/taunialexander?igsh=MTV2cjhobWk0a2kxMg==

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Transcript

 Welcome back to the Irene podcast. Today we have with us Tauni, and she's a mother of six. She is from Idaho and she's moved to Utah, and she's gonna tell us a little bit about her story.

Hi. I am so excited for the opportunity to be on this podcast like sh. Hope that I have six children. Unfortunately, we lost a baby, so it only have flies. Okay. Um, on Earth, but that's another story for another time. But, um, we, me, my husband and I live in St. George. We own a few businesses and, um, yeah, just about it.

So what businesses do you own? So I own, I do like a network marketing company that's skincare and makeup. And then we also own a heating and air company, and then a baseball program. What has happened in, like you mentioned that you lost a child. That's something that if you're okay with, I would love to talk about because that's something that's.

I can't even imagine. Yeah. I'm gonna get emotional just thinking about it. Yeah. But what, what happened if, if, again, share that experience, like what happened and then how you've like helped yourself heal from that experience and move forward with your. Okay. With your family? Yeah. It was after we had to, so it would've been our third baby.

I was pregnant and never had any problems in my previous pregnancies. Like everything was always great. Um, and then I went in to the doctor and it, I just thought it was like a regular checkup and they're like, oh, do you wanna get an ultrasound to find out the gender? 'cause they were doing it way earlier.

Like, normally you have to wait until 20 weeks. So I was like. 16 weeks and they're, I was like, sure my husband wasn't there, but I was like, oh, this will be fun. Like I'll get to surprise him. And so I'm in there alone in the ultrasound room and um, the lady's like, I'm noticing like that the fluid looks low to me.

And, um, the lady's like, well, I need the doctor to come in. And so I was like, oh, she, okay. So then the doctor comes in and says, like, your fluid's low, we need to send you to like a specialist. Um, and so. We go to the specialist and, um, my, my food was low and my water had broken prematurely. And, um, so they gave us the option.

They, um, suggested that we like. I get induced to have the baby. Um, just because of the risk of infection and the chance of the baby surviving. Were so low. 'cause I was only 16 weeks and having your water break that early, like, and so we kind of had to decide and think about it. We had two other children, um.

And so we waited. We didn't make a decision right away. We had to kind of think. And um, after talking to more doctors, they were just like, you're like you are risking your life if you keep going. And so, um, I. We, I ended up having to go and get induced and deliver stillborn baby. Mm. Yeah, that sounds rough.

She passed inside. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. But so through that experience, what did you learn about yourself and maybe about your resilience? Yeah, I mean, honestly it, my husband and I would always say like, it made us like, not that we didn't cherish our children before, but it really made us appreciate it because we didn't.

We had children so easily before it just was like, and we didn't know anyone who had a, um, like had lost a baby. Mm-hmm. Or like had a so born and so we just thought people get pregnant and they have babies and you know, you kind of hear about, but we didn't know anyone personally. And so it made us like cherish like the ability to have children even more and then not take for granted our own children and relieve.

Like the value every minute we get with them because we don't know. We, we don't know. And so it's like we're very intentional, a lot more intentional. We are with our kids all the time. Like it, it just, and, and maybe we would've been this way if we hadn't lost a child, but I think we just know. What it feels like to want this child that you can't Yeah.

You don't get to raise on earth. Yes. And so, um, it's very much so made us appreciate life and the children that we have. Yeah. Even more than before. Yeah. 'cause it gives you just a different perspective, right? Like something so tragic and hard. Yeah. Also like, because I, I'm a true believer in everything.

Hard. Yeah. Or difficult. Yeah. Has a lesson attached. Yeah. Always for sure. Like throughout life, no matter what difficulties. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No matter what difficulties or challenges we have, there's always a blessing attached. Yes. There's always something to learn or to grow from. Yeah. And and I really believe everything happened for a reason.

And so we kind of had to think like what, you know, what was the reason? Not that there's ever a good reason, but like, we need to learn from this and not let it stop us. Like we were scared. We were like, we don't know if we're gonna have more kids. Like after that, like. You know, maybe we're only meant to have these.

And, and after that actually like, got pregnant, like, and had miscarriages for I think eight times after that, before we actually had our next baby. Wow. So, um, so there's more than just the loss of one. Yeah. Because. Yeah. Ate miscarriages. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. And, and it, there were, they were, some of them were really early just because we were tracking, you know, like I was getting my blood drawn, knowing right when I was pregnant, just 'cause we, the doctor wanted to put me on medication as soon as I got pregnant, you know, so they were very not as, not to take away from a miscarriage, but it, it, the, our baby that I actually delivered was a lot, very hard.

Yes. And then we had those, but then we, we had three children after that, three healthy children. And, um, and we just feel so grateful for the opportunity. Yeah. And you just knew that there was still more children Yeah. Than you. Yeah. Yeah. And we questioned it at first, and then we were like, no, I can't imagine after you lose eight children in a row to be like, maybe I not supposed to have it.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. They're, they're the best talk about resilience. That's amazing. Yeah. So, um, after like. Yeah. How, what am I trying to think of? How many, um, how close were those eight miscarriages? Was it like over a span of like years or was it months? It was two years. Yeah. So we, uh, we lost our baby.

I delivered her on October 2nd in 2014. And then, I guess it was less juice. 'cause then I delivered like our, I had our third. Um, should be our fourth, but on, um, October 5th, 2016, like two years and three days later. So it was, and it's such a blessing 'cause it's like October 2nd is so hard, but then we get to go to the fifth and we're celebrating the rainbow baby that we got after.

So it's like, and we don't want to let that. Hold us back or, um, not cherish the children. We have, we, we mourn her and we miss her and we wish she was with us, but it also made us be so grateful for what we do have for the children that you do have. Yeah. Yeah. And those special little, I I believe that those special eight children Yeah.

Are still there for you. Yeah. When you, when you go. Yeah. Yeah. And our kids talk about her and they, even our kids who weren't aligned, like our older kids will. Talk about her and like, you know, like how old would she be? And you know, and like we just, we just, she's still part your family together. Yeah.

Yeah. How beautiful is that? Yeah. So, um, okay. So after you have your children Yeah. And you're raising your children, when did you start your personal business? So I, that's like, it's all kind of connected because I, um, I lost her in 2014 and I was like. What am I gonna do? My youngest was about to go to kindergarten, and I'm like, I can't, I, I stayed at home.

Um, my whole, like being from the time I was a mom to my first daughter, and so I was like, I'm not gonna be able to be home alone. Like, I was so sad. Like I was just like, he. He's like, really? Like we just, he was like my person because you know, my older daughter would go to school and my husband was at work and it was just us.

And like, he watched me cry and he cried like, you know, it was, you had child? Yeah, because he, they were expecting a baby. Yeah. He thought he was having, we were having another baby and yeah, I have video of of him saying, I'm gonna be a big brother. And he was like three and a half. And, and so we all lost her together and so we got really close.

Um, but then he, I was like, he's gonna go to school. So he's like, I need to get a job. Like, I can't just be home. Like, I wanna like fill my time doing something stupid. Yeah. And then my friend told me about this opportunity, about this lipstick that everyone in her tongue was selling. And she wasn't even doing it herself, but she was like, you should totally do it like everyone's doing in here.

And, um. I was like, I don't know. I don't even really wear makeup. Like, I don't even, I don't think I've ever worn lipstick in my life, you know? And um, but she saw this opportunity and it was like the biggest blessing of my life. Like it gave me this community of women that had like empowered each other and they were always cheering for you.

And it really helped me, I feel like, have an outlet of support outside of my husband. And, um. So then I, I started it and um, like a year later then I had our, she's So what an insightful friend to, to think of this like business as an opportunity for you not to like, not deal with the loss Yeah. But to keep you busy so that you can process that loss, but also look forward and ahead to something that's, that can be.

Potentially amazing for your family, right? Yes, and I like, I wish I would've told her like, you do it first. So because I, I'm like, it ended up being the biggest blessing for our family and so many families. And so, um, she is amazing. She's been there to support me in so many things in my life. She, we met when we were in second grade, like now I think I have a third grader and I'm like, we were younger than this.

We've been friends. And she saw my best friend, like, I'm going to see her next month. And, um, she's seen me go through a lot of things and so I think she's. She's very insightful and just felt like I needed to do it. And it, it's the biggest blessing. Um, really good friend. A really good friend to just maybe get a prompting and go, you know what, I, I'm just gonna bring it up to her.

'cause what, what? It can't hurt. No, you know, and, and I to help her. Yeah. She, she's like a sister to me. I have one sister and, um, I'm not close to my parents. And, um, so I didn't really have anyone, it felt so lonely. Um, but she was the person who, who knew everything about me, who I was confiding in at that time.

And so she was like, that was her way of like, Hey, like, what about makeup? 'cause she's like, great at makeup. So I would always ask her like things and she's like, you should do it. Like, and so she's just so. Amazing. So you said that you, you're not close with your family, would you? Yes. If you mind. Sure.

Would you tell us a little bit about like maybe Yeah. Growing up and why maybe you're not close with your family. Sure. Um, so I like parts of my family. I am, it's just my parents that, uh, when my mom had me when she was 17, she was a young mom. What I thought when I was growing up until I was older is me and my sister had the same dad.

Is what we were, were told, you know, my mom had me at 17, but as we got a little older and we were in school, kids would be like, you guys aren't sisters. 'cause we look nothing alike. We look complete opposites. And I look a lot like my mom. She looks a lot like our dad. And, um, people would say that on the bus like, you guys aren't sisters.

And we're like, yeah, we are. And they're like, well, you're not full. And we're like, yeah, we are. And so, um. So then as I got older, I was going into middle school and I needed to, um, get a physical for sports, and they needed my birth certificate and all these things, and I was trying to get 'em for my mom, you know, she was mm-hmm.

She had at this time divorced her dad and had been remarried to another man who was my brother's dad. And, um, I'm trying to like, get it and she's not giving it to me, you know, and I am like, I need it. And so I go searching and I find it, I find my social security card and it has her maiden name on it.

Like my last name wasn't. On my social security card. It wasn't what I thought it had always been right. I was like, this is really weird. So I asked my stepdad at the time, I'm like, why? Why? And he's like, I don't know. Like he tried to play it off. And so then he knew though. He knew. Oh, okay. But he didn't wanna be the one to tell me, right?

Because you know, it's my mom's thing. And um, so he is like, this is very interesting. And they didn't really say anything. And then I am dragging. My dad lived three hours away. My parents had divorced by then. They divorced when I was five. Um, so I'm driving with my mom's friend. Me and my sister are driving there and he, he says, so how often did you see your real dad?

And I was like, oh, every other weekend, you know? And he's like, no, your real, real dad. And I was like, every other weekend. And he is like. No. And I was like, you're taking me like, what do you mean? I was so confused. I was like, like every other weekend, you know that. Yeah. Like I see him and so I'm there, you know, this time I'm probably like 11, 12 and I, so I'm with my dad and I'm like, so how old was my mom when you met her?

And he's like, oh. She was like 19. And I'm like. Because he's older than her, so I'm like, he would know. I'm like 19. I was like, how? When she was 16, when she got pregnant with me, and he's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, 16. And I'm like, that doesn't add up. Like if you're three years older, you would know if she was 16 or 19, you know?

He's like, oh yeah, no, I mean, 16. I was like, okay. So in my head I kind of had this feeling. So I started asking my mom more questions and um, and come to find out, I, he had adopted me when I was a baby. Um. From my biological father and um. So, you know, you feel like your whole life is a lie. Everyone around you knows the truth, but you don't.

And so it, it. And how old were you when you, when you started asking questions again? 11. 11. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I was 11. And, um, it, it just like, it made you not trust anything that you are told because like all my aunts, my grandparents, everyone knew this huge part of my life that I didn't know, you know, so it was very.

It was hard, but I kind of felt relief because I didn't feel like my sister. I did feel different when we would go there, and I love them that my adopted family is amazing and I love them so much, but I just felt different than all of them, and so it kind of was a relief to find out. An answer to why you felt it.

Yes. Why I felt different. Even though you were still confused, at least like, yes. Okay. This is a piece to that puzzle that I feel like is Yes. Yes, for sure. And um, and my stepdad at the time was great. Like my adopted dad got into drugs, so he was like a drug addict by then. And so it was very like, messy.

Y'all at the same time. So he, um, but nothing really changed after that. Like for a few years, nothing changed. Like I didn't meet my biological dad. My mom just said, you know, I was 16. She went, she lived in Idaho, but she worked in Jackson Hole for the summer and she met my dad. He was 20. 21 and she was 16.

And um, then she left for the summer. They broke up 'cause she obviously had to girlfriend her senior year of high school. She left and he got another girlfriend, like just, you didn't know she was pregnant? Yeah. Got another girlfriend. And, um, my mom grew up LBS and so she didn't tell her parents took, she was pregnant.

She kind of, you know, tried to hide it, tried to hide it for a long time. And so, um. She, you know, six months, you can't really hide it after that. And so she told her parents and my grandpa went and told my biological father, and he was already engaged to somebody else, you know, like he didn't know. And um.

And so, uh, then what I knew back then was that he was engaged with someone else starting a different life. And my mom met my adopted dad and he like, just fell in love with me and wanted to adopt me. And my, my biological dad wasn't involved and so they just. Like had a son his rights away and I was adopted and grew up thinking he was my dad for the first 11 years.

Um, no, that, I mean, that's tough. 'cause like now as agro, like now that you're grown and you're a mother, it's, I like, if that happened to me, I'm, I'd be grown in thinking why didn't, I would tell my child. Yeah. I maybe that's coming from a perspective of like. Yes, the story, right? Mm-hmm. But at the same time, like, how long until you think it's okay?

Like when are you gonna, that that's what would be going through my mind is like, when was she planning on telling you, and why did she like, keep it such a secret? Mm-hmm. And why would you were asking, was she so hesitant to tell you? Yeah. Like just a lot of questions in memory. Yeah. And that, that was it.

It was, it was very confusing as a child. And, um, I, so then after that, my mom got a divorce again. Um, and at this time our relationship was good. Like I was still 11. It was fine. She was a single mom, um, for a while, and then she got remarried again. My stepdad was abusive in lots of ways to me. And, um,

um, so he, my stepdad was, uh, he was just not a good person at all. And my mom, you know, she, she was young. She had three kids. She always felt like me and my sister, she would say this and we were trying to ruin her life like we were, you know, we felt very, um. Her 'cause she would just tell us like, you guys just want to ruin my life.

If we weren't doing what she wanted with her next boyfriend or whatever, there was just mint coming in and out. Right. So, uh, and me, me and sister were like, no, we're really, like, we're not trying to. But anyways, um, my, her just babies. Yeah. Like we're just seeing children. Um, but he, my stepdad. My next one, I have like a great stepdad, but then my mom's third husband, um, he was very just abusive.

He was bipolar. It just wasn't a great situation. And, um, the abuse turned sexual and, um. It was so hard and so many times, like I just, like, I, I wanted to just run away, but I had two little siblings that like, I was their main caretaker 'cause she was too worried about her relationship. Just, you know, and, and she was working, supporting our family.

And, um, but then when my mom found out, she blamed me, she, um. Yeah, she thought it was my fault. And um, but before my mom knew, before my mom knew it started, it started small, like things that just felt uncomfortable, he would do, but he would do 'em to me, like in front of my mom. So it wasn't secretive. It wasn't secretive in the beginning, just the things he would say that you just feel uncomfortable.

He was just physically and emotionally abusive to all of us. And, um. He was. So before or at, when it started turning more sexual, I was like, my way out is to meet my biological dad. Like, 'cause my adopted dad was on drugs. Like there's no way I could have gotten lived with him. Like, he just was not stable at all.

So I was like, I, I wanna meet my dad, like he will save me maybe. Yeah. And so I reached out or I told my mom I wanted to, and my mom and stepdad called him. And he had two kids by then, two other boys, one that's like a year younger than me and one that's a lot younger than me. And he was remarried, but his wife didn't even know about me, so he got this call.

Like, this is your daughter. And he knew he knew about me. Yes. It wasn't like he had a child that he didn't know. Um, he did. Uh, but, but in his mind, he had placed you for adoption and so you were just Yeah. Somebody else's child. Yes. Yeah. And so, um, so he, uh, so they call and email. Or they call him and, and the wife's like, well, hold on.

I have a 2-year-old child. Like, before we just bring someone in, like I wanna know for sure. And so, um, I guess in, when I was born in 1989, they did a DNA test. Um, and it was inconclusive. Like it, there was a chance I could be, but I was missing like dominant characteristics. So it wasn't for sure whether I was or wasn't.

And so maybe that was part of his doubt in his mind too, is like, it didn't say yes. And so his wife was like, well, we need to do another one. So we did another DNA test and it like came back. I was his child. And so then she's like, okay, then like we will embrace her. And like, you know, um, but it was still very awkward.

Like I'm now, I'm like 13. I don't know these people at all. And, um, not even your father? No. No. And so I, was this the first time you met him? Yeah, so he, so we emailed back and forth for a little bit while we waited for the DNA test. And um, when it came back, he actually, him and his wife and their son, my youngest brother came and um, like watched me at a volleyball tournament.

'cause they lived in Jackson Hole, like five hours away from where we lived. And so he came to like a volleyball tournament and we just kind of started slow like that. And then, um, I would go there and visit him and his parents for a weekend maybe. But from the time I was. 13 to 18 I and maybe some once a year.

And it was very like, um, low key. But in my head I thought, like, when I first reached out, I was like, okay, this is gonna be it. But then the more I thought about it, I'm like, I can't leave my siblings with this man, this monster. Yes. I can't leave them. And so it was like, I, like, I'm the oldest, like I have raised them.

Like my mom had to work and she was just very preoccupied. So I was like, I, I can't, like I cannot do it. And, um. And so, uh, the abuse got worse and worse, but I still felt like I couldn't, 'cause our mom didn't believe us no matter what we said about anything. Like, it was just trying to ruin her life. Right?

Yeah. So, um, so I, uh, she found out, and I remember the morning she found out like I was trying to go to church. I would go to church by myself. Like, I just was like. Uh, trying to like save myself Right. Without leaving, without leaving my siblings. Yeah. Um, in an awful situation. In an awful situation. And how, how, I just wanna address how awful that as a young child, you had to beat up for your siblings.

Like I know, like, you're the oldest child, you've dealt with a lot at this point in your life, and you just wanna protect everybody. You know, all of these little people. Yeah. But that's like a heavy burden to have to bear when you're so young. Yeah. So like. Wow. Like, I just, I'm just blown away, like yeah, I know it's survival.

But yeah, you're kind of just in survival mode and, and you, um, you just do what you have to do. So, um, the, the abuse from sexual, and my mom one day found out I was at church and she came to pick me up and she just had this like death stare in her eyes and she was like, go to your room. So I like went to my room.

I was like, okay, this is here. You know, like, what did I do? I don't even know. And, um, when he gets home, she, um, she comes in there and she starts asking me about it. And I'm like, yeah. Like, you know, yeah. Like, he's been doing this stuff to me. And, um, and she's like, well, like, why didn't you stomp it? Like, why?

And I was like, like, you're scared of him. Like she was scared. Yeah. He was abusive to her. Like, you know, he was scared of, she was scared of him too, right. Yeah. So it's like, um. And you're not gonna believe me. And, and I don't know how do, how do you say that? Yeah, like, just like, try to pretend like I'm asleep and just, you know, and, um, so she's like, why, why, why did you do that?

And, um, she's so mad at me. And, and then she leaves the room and then she lets him come in. Alone with me. And um, he's like, why didn't you tell her you love me? It's because you love me. My, I'm 13. He's like, I don't even know how old he was. Like, and um, and then my mom comes back in together and she's like, you don't even know what love is.

'cause he's like saying this story that we're in love. Yeah. Like this is some like, mutual thing that is just going on. Right. Like it's normal. Like it's normal. Yeah. And I'm like. No, like I didn't want this. Like I didn't, and um, and so then obviously like they. They go on. And, and I, I remember my mom saying like, do you wanna press charges?

Like asking me? And I was just like, the thought of like, you're 13, you don't want the whole town to know that this has happened to you. So I was like, no. Like you couldn't even tell your mom no. Yeah. And much less do that. And then I was like, what if like me and my siblings get taken away and then we're separated?

Like I, there was just all these things and I was like, no, I don't want people to know. Like I don't, I don't want to, 'cause I don't want people to know, um. And so we didn't press charges, but they ended up getting a divorce and um, and it's just, it was, it was very traumatic. We never, like, since then, my mom has still blamed me and, and I found out, um, so it was when I was 13.

When he, they got a divorce and then, um, I, I'm just not close to her because she created this narrative, like once her family started finding out, she was like, she was 16, she was 17. Like she wanted it and she's telling these people, and these people are believing her, and I'm like. You know, he was gone right before then, like, but you know, and they, they were scared of him too.

And so, um, so he left and he moved outta state and I've never seen him since. My mom was a single mom again and she was working. And so then, um, I was just raising. My younger siblings, we were going to school doing all those things. And, um, it, it was, it was fine. Like I didn't wanna miss charges. I wasn't blaming her.

I didn't feel like, um, I felt like she was doing her best, right? Like, as a single mom. This is what he's telling her. Like, and, and I thought she knew, like we just kind of like. Kind of brush it under the rug and just kept living and trying to survive. Right. Well, and it's hard too, I think when it's something so huge Yeah.

That you don't really know how to deal with. Yeah. And we don't know, like I always tell people like, you just don't know somebody's like history and why they make the choices that they make. Yeah. And not to give anybody an excuse or an out. Yeah. But just to kind of understand maybe what. Was going on up here.

Right. That like, she probably couldn't process it because she didn't really process a lot of things that maybe she should have when she was younger. Yes, a hundred percent. And so it's like, I, I never blamed her for the abuse. I'm just, it's hard to not blame her for the way she reacted. Yes. Um, and so, you know, like, but I know she was probably doing what she felt was the best and we ended, he kept on living and, um, and then, um.

When I was 17, she was working, like I said, I was just at home and I ended up getting pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was 17. And, um,

then her, her dad was in the army, um, and he had come home from Iraq for, uh, two weeks for early, and then I got pregnant. And then he went back and a month later he was shot by a sniper. And thankfully he's survived and he's alive, but he is a paraplegic. And so I'm also 17, um, about to finish high school and.

Um, I'm pregnant. He's big. He doesn't even know yet because when you're in Iraq, they couldn't talk all the time. He didn't even know yet. And um, his parents didn't know. I, no one really knew. And I get a call to go to the office and it was, um, one of my teachers who I knew her son was in the Army as well, and I knew she talked to him.

And because we went to the same high school, it's a very small school. Everybody knows everyone, and they said. Uh, Tommy needs to come to the office and bring her stuff, and that's like, that's weird. It was like first period. And so I go and I, and they're like, Mrs. Andrew's, Dorf wants to talk to you in that back room.

And I see her and I'm like, something happened. Like something happened to him. And so she, she says, you know, Andrew's been tried. They don't know if he's gonna make it. I just wanna let you know. And I was like, and this was your grandfather? No, this is my, my, um, baby's dad. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Who was in Iraq at the night.

Um, she's like, they don't know if he's gonna get me. Well, I know I'm pregnant already. They're like, I have like, and he doesn't know know. And your parents don't know. My mom knew. She did know. She did now. Um, and, um, so then I, um, I'm like, oh my gosh. So I just like leave. I just go home and I'm like freaking out.

And um, like, he was also older than me. He was 20, 21 and his dad was the chief of police. So we couldn't really have a relationship. They knew, I mean. They like, were like, we want to know nothing. Like, 'cause obviously he could lose his job and get in trouble and all those things. Um, so, um, they knew we were talking, but he was, you know, stationed, he was in the army.

It wasn't like we were seeing each other all the time, but, um, it was like, crap. Like I got a call and so I go there and we talked. We, we talk and they tell me, and you know, at, at first they thought he was gonna die. They were like, no. Like, you need to get. Like the army was gonna fly the parents to Germany to say goodbye and, um, like miraculously he survived.

And, um, he got transferred to Walter Reed in North Carolina. And then, um. I told his mom and she was, she was like, it, it was the biggest blessing honestly because our daughter was so motivating for him to get better faster. And so he like had a miraculous recovery time, like so fast. 'cause he had to learn how to do everything again.

Yeah. Um, like live in a wheelchair and how to drive and, um. And so his mom told him, but he was like on a ventilator, so, you know, he couldn't speak. Speak. Yeah. But he was, she's like, he just like lit up, like the first time I'd seen him smile or anything. Um, and so then, uh, you know, I finished high school and, but before I finished, so this was like, um, March and um, in April got my.

I'm like two months pregnant. My mom tells me that she's moving another man in our house. I'm like, she left for work and I packed my bags and I left and I left my siblings. But I was like, I can't, like, I, I can't, I couldn't take them, but I was like so close to being out and I was just like, I, I can't do this again.

Like, and I didn't like. My, my siblings didn't know that I had been amused. Um, obviously we were all physically abused and emotionally abused, but that night my mom called her ex-husband and said, Hey, like Connie moved out. You need to get your stuff in order 'cause I think she's gonna turn you in now.

Like she called and warned him. That's like, well, they weren't allowed to talk to me like my siblings when I left. Like I didn't get to talk to them, um, for like a year. And I didn't talk to my mom. Um, I just left. And then, like I said, I, I graduated the night I graduated, I got on a plane and I went to the rehab center with, um, where he was, Andrew and yeah.

And he like learned everything and like record time. And we came home, we found out we were having a girl, and then Brenda was born and she's been the best blessing. She's been so great for both of us. We, we aren't together anymore, but she, um. She was exactly what we both needed. And she is like, she, it helped you because you had to for her.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and same for him. Like he learned, he's so amazing and he learned everything. He, he's, he didn't let that hold him back at all. That he, he, he used it to motivate him and he, yeah. He has been on the like Paralympic archery team and he's very driven. And so I think Briley just, we're like, we have more to live for.

Right? We have to live for her. We have to like create a life for her. And so instead of, and show her that, yeah, nothing is too big to overcome. No. Like you can, you know, I was a teenager, he was now a paraplegic, but we weren't gonna let that stop us from. Creating a life for her Yeah. That we wanted, you know, that I felt like I didn't get Yeah.

Um, that you envision for your own daughter to be Yes. So different than Yes. That you've had to experience. Yes. And so I think it's really important. That, like even when you go through things as a child and it's still very triggering and traumatic, but I, I just don't want my children to experience anything that I experience and, um, I try really hard to take care of myself mentally so that I can give them a life that.

They deserve, right? Yeah. Instead of living in all these negative things, like it is hard and it is sad, but instead of like letting that choose my path in life, I chosen to make me a better mom and a better spouse and a better. Person because I'd never want anyone to feel the way that I did. Yeah. Yeah.

That's beautiful. 'cause I think that, yeah, we can either repeat. Yeah. Because it's easier, I think. Yeah. Easier than pushing past. Yeah. Because you had to learn these things on your own, right? Yeah. Like your mom wasn't there to kind of guide you through it. 'cause she was still not there yet. Yeah. Like she still had her own stuff that she was trying to navigate.

Yeah. So it looks like she's coming from this awful place, but really it's. The place she knows, and that's all she do. Again, not giving a pass, but just I, I, I try to understand why people make the choices that make Absolutely. And say, and do the things that they do, because we're all coming from a place of hurt sometimes within big.

Crappy choices. Yeah. Or like as a mom, it's hard to hear the things you're saying and ever even imagine responding or saying those things to my daughter. Yes. However, I also understand that people, if they don't do the work to get to that place of healing for themselves, they can't come at a situation any different than where they are Right then.

Yeah. Absolutely. And I, I, I tried to mend that relationship, um, after I had my daughter. Um, you know, 'cause I wanted to see my siblings again. It hurts my heart that your mom Yeah. Is, yeah. Still broken. You know, she still hasn't now she needed to do, to be able to be there for her, her daughters like she should have.

Yeah. And I'm sad. Like I don't, I don't, it's very. The hardest thing for me is I don't want my children to see my relationship with her and think that's normal. Yeah. And so it's like, I, I also try to like, they don't know a lot 'cause I don't, I don't want them to know that it's normal. Yeah. Or think it's normal to not have a relationship with your mom.

'cause after that I was just like, I can't anymore, like. I, I am not, I had boundaries to perfect yourself, having own children. And, you know, and in that same conversation, she, I had brinley, she was one. She's like, I just can't wait for her to grow up and see who you really are, like threatening me. And I'm like, don't threaten me with my own daughter, like.

Yeah. And so, um, but that's really her pain projecting onto you. It has nothing to do with you. Yeah. But that's so hard. 'cause that's, I mean, especially once you become a mother, you're like, you look at your children and you try to see your children through the lens that your mom sees you, but you don't have the same lens.

You have a completely different perspective. Yeah. And I think that, um. She's allowed, you know, me being born at such a young age for her to control the narrative of her life instead of taking control and like moving past it. Right? Like she's successful. She makes great money. She's very successful in the corporate world.

She has a great job. You know, she is like, has a fine life, but she doesn't have a relationship with me. She, she has it with my younger siblings, but, um, she's just, she hasn't really moved past the trauma of being a mom, you know, or, or tried to figure out, okay, how do I heal from all of this so that I can have that relationship with my daughter?

And that's what I would do. I would just be like, what can I do so that I can have them back in my life because my trauma in my world? Yeah. So, um, I mean, uh, so yeah, we, we don't really have a relationship, but it's just because I have boundaries. Mm-hmm. And I, I would love to, if she did the work and, you know, she was ready to heal.

But, um, yeah. But now my biological father, but we do have a relationship. I see them, he's coming down next month and, um, over the last year. We have like, had really great conversations and I've been able to learn more about his side of the story. Um, that was also like very, um, triggering. The last year has probably been one of the hardest years of my life, um, like mentally.

Yeah. Um, because also I, I didn't talk to him for a long time. Um. Because I was just like, I, I, as an adult, I regretted reaching out. Like I, because I was like, I wish he would've been the one to find me. 'cause he wanted to. Yeah. Like I only have this relationship with him because I reached out. Would he have ever wanted to know me?

Yeah. Or was it forced on him? And so then I, I kind of stopped talking to him for a while. Um, just like, it would be like, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Like once a year. Yeah. A Christmas or very like casual text messages and, um. And then I made a video, um, like a reel. Mm-hmm. And it was like how I found out my, my dad wasn't really my dad.

Yeah. And I, and I shared my perspective and his wife watched it and she wrote me this long email and was like, Hey, like you need to talk to your dad. 'cause this isn't his, this isn't what he remembers. Yeah. This isn't what he knows. And, and I was like. Okay. That's a good story. Yeah. And so it was like, okay.

And so, um, it was actually really good because I was able to see his side and I didn't, I realized that it wasn't that he didn't want me, it was just my mom had sent him a letter and said, if you don't sign your rights away, then I'm going to turn you in for statutory rape, because she wanted me to be adopted by her new husband.

Yeah. And so he was 21. She was 17. Yeah. And so he was like, do I go to jail? Or do I sign my rights away? Yeah. And so I was able to talk to him about that and talk to his mom and she's like, I have the letter. Like, we wanted to know you, we wanted you to be in our life. And last about a, a little over a year ago, we went to visit his parents and we stayed with them.

And um, that's when I. I learned more about his, you know, life before, and, um, my grandma actually has the letter. She saved it because they did want a relationship with me. They didn't wanna be with me, but, or like be in my life, but also like he could have gotten arrested and, and they, yeah. Um, also, he also wanted to support my mom because I think he felt bad that he, she did get pregnant so young and so.

He was like, this is like what he thought was right. You know? Yeah. And so, um, it, it's been hard to process it. It's been, my husband was like, I thought you would be like, relieved. And this was like, good. And I was like, it is good. And I am thankful, but like, it still like. If she never sent that letter, all these things that happened to me didn't have to happen.

Yeah. And so it was like more resentment to my mom because I'm like, then you put all these terrible people in my life when he, I had a dad who wanted to be in my life, and you forced him out, and I could've like, so then it's like you go back to that again. Yeah. You know, and so it's like, I, I, I just have to like remember like it's, it's made me a better mom.

Yes. Everything I went through in my childhood. Has made me more protective of my children because I don't want them to experience that, and so I really try to use it as a way to have me be a better person and and protect my children and give them everything instead of. You know, slipping into the wrong things or bad emotion.

Yeah. Like I, I have hard times and I cry and I like question everything, but I really want to be the best mom and, and I feel like my experiences help me be better. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much, Tony. Yeah. Like, wow, you're so lazy. I mean, I could talk to you for another couple of hours, but time is short.

Yes, yes. So maybe we'll have you back Yeah. In the future, we can talk about more like the happy, fun stuff that happened after that. Yeah. Yeah. Because your, your story is just so beautiful and sad and crazy. Yeah. But the fact that you've used it to become a better version Yeah. And the best that you can.

And you haven't used it as like, oh, all these things happen. So I'm a victim forever. Yes. Because that's another area, another way you could have gone. Yes. But you chose to rise above. Be a better mother. Yes. Be a better wife, be a better everything. Yeah. And you were there for your siblings and that's beautiful too.

And, and thank you so much for your time. Yes. Thank you for having me. We, we've enjoyed this conversation that we've had with Tani and thank you guys for tuning into I Read's podcast. And if anything here has resonated with you, please. Leave a comment or share if you feel so, feel like that's what you need to do and we just want everyone to know that healing happens when you do the work and no matter what your situation, you can always put yourself in a better state.

Thank you for listening. God bless.