EP13: Nikki's Healing Journey After Horrible Childhood Abuse

Nikki Jones on Childhood Abuse, Healing, and Finding Worth Through Faith

On the Irene Podcast, Nikki Jones shares her story of early childhood trauma after her parents’ divorce, including severe abuse by her stepmother while living with her father from about ages 4–9, time overseas in Okinawa, and never seeing her father again after leaving at age nine to live with her mother. She describes lasting effects such as fear of vomiting, insecurity about being lovable, social anxiety, emotional suppression, and coping with stress through binge eating, with later triggers including a mistaken-identity arrest at an airport and her son’s serious health crisis. Nikki discusses becoming a mother at 15, working to break generational patterns, recognizing trauma responses over time, and emphasizing faith, forgiveness, and believing she is “worth dying for” as key to healing, alongside gratitude for her stable marriage, children, and grandchildren.

00:00 Welcome and Setup

00:31 Early Family Split

02:29 Abuse Overseas

07:21 Last Goodbye to Dad

10:00 Life With Mom

10:40 Parenting After Trauma

13:50 Hidden Insecurity

18:34 Stepmom Phone Confession

22:34 Vomiting Trigger

23:53 Healing Unfolds Slowly

25:44 Coping Through Food

26:42 Mistaken Identity Arrest

29:16 Freeze Mode After Trauma

30:47 Triggered Old Punishments

31:59 Son’s Health Scare

33:24 Praying and Feeling Emotions

37:53 Faith and Forgiveness

40:31 Church Anxiety Realization

43:48 Breaking Generational Cycles

45:32 Closing Reflections

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Transcript

Welcome to the Irene Podcast. Today we have Nikki Jones and she's gonna share with us some of her story. Welcome, Nikki.

Thank you for having me. Of course. So go ahead and start wherever you wanna start where, wherever the beginning is for you in telling us your story and sharing with us like the things that have happened and then what you've done to get yourself into a better state. Okay. So, my, my parents divorced when I was.

Pretty young. I'm not, I don't exactly remember when, but it had to have been, I, I wanna estimate maybe I was three, I guess. And I have a younger sister and at some point my mom gave custody of us to my father, thinking that you know, he had much more opportunity than she did And, and, she was really just trying to give us the best life she could.

And somewhere along I, I, I have zero memories of my mom when I was young. And so at some point my, my father was in the military. He remarried and we went overseas. So we spent like three years in Okinawa. So there was a, there was a probably maybe a five year. Time span that I didn't see my mom.

And and I went to live with my mother when I was nine. And so the, the time of living with my father and my stepmother was was pretty ugly. And so, i, I had a, I had a stepsister who was just a couple months older than me, and I, I don't know if that was an issue with, with my stepmother. I don't, I don't actually. Know where, when you know, like, you know, sorry, you're okay. You just kind of don't know where that intrusion or whatever came from, like Right.

Her not knowing how to treat you, but she knew how to treat her own daughter. Right. Right. And I, and I'm trying to remember like if there was a time when I remember things not being. The way that they were. And I, I don't remember the earliest remember, or memories I have. It was things like my sister and I would eat standing in the kitchen and our, our meal standing in the kitchen while the rest of the family were eating in the dining room.

Things like that. And, we, we were just on edge all the time. Like, we were just always upset stomachs and we just, we, we vomited all the time. And if we did then we would be forced to eat it. And, so of course like if we felt like we were gonna vomit, we would be like, we would yell out 'cause we weren't with the family.

We'd yell out, I'm gonna throw up. And you know, they would probably come in and spank us and that was what we wanted because that would stop us from having an episode. We would. Come home from school and we would just sit on the end of our bed and we sat there you know, until mealtime or we would have to ask to go to the bathroom or I, I can remember one time when we had sat there so long that when we got up, my sister wet on the floor and my stepmother rubbed my nose in it.

Hmm. Just, it was it, things like that. I can, I can remember one time I got my head cut open and I don't even actually remember the incident of, of how I got my head cut, cut open, but I had to go get stitches. And what I do remember is. My stepmom saying, how did you cut your head? And I'm like, well, I hit the corner.

I don't actually remember that, but I remember saying that. And she said, no, how did you cut your head? And I was like, oh, I. Backed into the monkey bars at school, you know, and like Okay. Things like that. So like, trying to help you adjust the story so it didn't sound Right. Right. And so a certain way.

Yeah. Yeah. So I don't it, I, there were, there were times when she was a little bit better with my sister than she was with me. I, I'm not sure exactly why that was, but not always. I mean, I think sometimes she tried really hard to, because we were close, maybe tried to isolate us from each other or try to turn us against each other.

But for the most part it was, you know, it was us and them and, and our, our dad actually never, never.

Actually did any of the abuse himself, I guess. And sometimes, like he would almost never even speak to us or. I can remember like, I, I actually do think that he was trying to protect us in his, you know, I always say in his pathetic way, but he like I, it, it was really weird 'cause I could remember like my stepmom it at night, she's like, go and kiss your dad.

And she would say it in such a way like. Like we had a crush on our dad or something. And, and so it, it was, it was just, everything was always really ugly. And so I do, like, he just didn't really speak to us much when. I, I, I have one memory of when when we were in Okinawa, we were living on, on base and my stepmom, my stepsister, and my sister and I were walking to take my stepsister to a ballet class or something that and.

I, something happened and I made my stepmother mad, and she said, go home to your dad. And so I went home and I walked in the door, and I can remember him standing, like in the, to the side. There was like the, the door that would lead to like the hallway, to the bedrooms. And he was standing there. And I said, what happened?

And I, I said. You know, I, I was told to come home. I don't know if I, I, I wanna say names, but I, anyway, I don't know if I should do that anyway, but and so, and he, I remember he picked me up and he held me and he hugged me. And I, that's my one memory, my one memory of my dad showing affection. When, when we actually went to.

Live with my when, when it was time that we went to live with my mom. I was nine, my sister was seven, and I hadn't seen her since I was small. And I can still remember when, when my dad went left for work that day, C he didn't take us to the airport and he just walked out to his car and he opened the door and he said, well, bye girls.

And he got in his car and he went to work. And so that's the, and that's the last time I've ever saw him. So, I haven't seen, it's been 45 years. I haven't ever seen him again. At that time did you know that that was the last time you were gonna see him? Did you know you were leaving? I knew, we knew we were leaving and I can remember my stepmom saying, we've had you for five years, so your mom will get you for five years Anyway.

I don't, I don't know that, that was just really scary to us because we had been told awful stories about my mom, you know, that she didn't want us, we were told that she was a whore. Like, I mean, really. And so we knew, we knew we were bad. We were bad children, otherwise we would not be made to go live with her because she was awful.

And so, that's the story you were told. So that's what you believe. That's the story we were told, told that we had no idea. And you know, I think that like, my mom just never knew where we were and I think that the, you know, we, and we were in Okinawa for three years and so we were completely out of the country and she just, I didn't know. You know, I, I, I think she, it's so strange. It's so strange that I haven't actually talked to my mom that much about it because we're really quite close, but. I've just never asked about those things. Like, about, you know, what exactly Ha I why were you, why, why the divorce? Why? It's kind of, I, I don't know why that is.

I, but I think that she had tried to, she had hired a private event private investigator eventually, and that might be how she actually found us. And so, it was just so, so you were with your dad from the age of four to nine, and then you were with your mom from nine through like. On. On. Yes. Yes.

And so, so you never went back with your dad? Never, yeah. I never went, I never was back with, with my dad. Oh, obviously. 'cause you said you haven't seen him since then. No. No. And so, yeah, so I and it was, you know, it was I think my mom did the best she could. We were pretty messed up kids and, and, it's not like, like, that was easy. And but and I married really young, so I got married when I was 15 to my husband James. And so we've been married 39 years and, I think that, so the, you know, I'm still working through the, the, all of, all of that. I think, you know, I, we had our kids and I was just busy just being mom.

And did any of that stuff from when you were younger, that abuse or that the way that you were treated come up when you were a parent? Like in, not in the same way, but like, right, right. Did some of it come out and you were like. More present as to what actually went on when you were so young. 'cause when you're that young, you don't understand.

You don't know why, right? You don't understand what's going on. You don't understand maybe somebody's thought processes or why they think they need to do whatever they did. So when you were older and having your own children, what was the difference in your mind as far as raising your children as opposed to the experiences that you had?

Well, I can say that like that. I literally, that's all I ever wanted was to be a mom. Mm-hmm. And, and then I was I was, and I, I was afraid, you know, you that what if I abused them, you know, and I can still re I cried the first time I spanked my son. And it, it was just heartbreaking to me. And so it scared you?

It did. It scared me. But he had crawled out of his car seat and was trying to climb into the front seat. And so, and I spanked him and I pulled the car over and just cried. And so, but then I, you know, then I realized that that wasn't, that wasn't gonna happen, you know, it didn't take me long to realize that it doesn't just, you know.

That doesn't, does this automatically just come out of you because it happened to you? Right, right. Well, Kim, because you were at that point, like you probably had processed it maybe a little bit, even though it's still hard to understand why somebody would treat a child that way, but at least at that point it seems like you probably were like, okay, I kind of understand that this isn't just who I'm going to be because it was my circumstance.

It's something that I actually do have control over. I don't have to do it to my children just because it happened to me. Right? Oh yeah, absolutely. So you were able to see, okay, I'm not that person. I think at that point I think I was still like just angry, I think at like, oh, you know, and I was just like, I hate them.

That, that's what I would say is that at, at that time, if you asked me, I would say, oh, I hate them. Which is kind of funny because I. At the same time, like I can remember getting into a fight with my mom and saying, I wanna go back to my dad. And I think about that now and I'm like, what in the world are you even talking about?

And so I think at that, I almost like. I think I was actually older before I actually realized how messed up I was. Just in my, in things that I just thought were a normal part of who I was, I guess. Right. So I was, my mom wasn't super social, and so I kind of grew up and I wasn't social at all. And I would just like, well, I just don't like people and I'd just rather be, and to this day I would much rather be home than anywhere else.

I, I love being home. But I just thought that, I thought I didn't really like people. I, I, I, I guess I just thought I was fine. I don't know. But I wanna say it was probably about, it was probably, it's been about 10 years ago, I would say that I started like thinking about the, like the, the deep insecurity, like that deep feeling of what if James doesn't really love me?

And I know that's not true, but very deeply in the back of my mind, there's that what if factor and the, it's just the I feeling of you're not worth loving. I guess I don't, I don't know even, even like, you know, I've gone to church study for, you know, 30 years and even even that my relationship with, with the savior, I would be like, I know I, you know, I, I've taught, you know, young women, I've taught in primary, I've, and I'm, and my own kids, and I know that God loves you. But deep down, I wasn't so sure that he loved me because I knew me.

I know all of my struggles, I know the thoughts that I have. I know the you know, all the bad, all the bad, and, and that it's so in my mind, I know. One thing, but in my heart that I'm afraid of another, I guess. Yeah, and and that's, I mean, I think that sounds like it's just because. You know, you were told one thing about your mom and taken by your dad, but then he didn't show you the love that you felt like a child should get from their father.

Right? Like he didn't even it, I mean, it sounds like he didn't even kind of stand up to his wife at the time and the abuse that she was given to you, you no young. It's like, it's not like girls you wish you can, wish that you like, like you could wish you could think that he just didn't know. Right. But obviously if you are.

If your daughters are eating in the kitchen while you're eating at the table, you know, I, I had a half-sister who was probably two when I left, and when my sister and I hugged her at the airport, it was the first time that we touched her in our life. And so, well, I can remember her walking by me and I would put out my hand and touch the top of her head.

And that was very, I mean, I never got caught, but that would've been bad, bad, bad. But just, you know, it was just such ugly things like Christmas time by the end of the day, by the end of Christmas Day. Everything my sister and I would have. I, I can't say it was every Christmas. I actually don't remember if it was ever, I just remember Christmas at least one and all of our stuff, and we'd got those big.

Barbie horses. Do you remember? They were like, mm-hmm. They were like this. There was a Barbie horse, so they were like a hard plastic. Yeah. And like all those, all those things were put in a black sack and my stepmother was just stomping on them and just broke 'em all up into pieces and. I mean, so it's not, it's not like he could not know, I guess, is what it comes down to.

Right. But, but I think it's almost like we have thoughts like that. 'cause we're trying to protect ourselves a little bit in thinking that anyone would treat us that way, but also like, that's my dad and he, I mean, had he known, he for sure would've done something, you know, like our logical side of our brain.

Even when you're seven and nine years old, even when you're so little, you know. He should be protecting you. He's your dad. Right. And so to have him not, they're like, well, then he couldn't have known 'cause he like, he's my dad. He's supposed to protect me. Like, it just doesn't make sense. Right. Yeah.

Especially as you're grown now and, and those things that happen, I think when we're so little before we really know. As children, I've always seen children tend to go, what did I do wrong? What was my fault? What was my role in this? 'cause I had to have done something wrong to be treated this way, when really it was nothing to do with you or your sister and everything to do with the adults in the house that just were it, for whatever reason, we're doing things in such a strange, and I don't know, crazy way, like, I don't know.

That's just where my brain goes. It's like, I wonder what happened to your stepmom. Right in her life that made her feel like treating you this way was all she could do. Because like you told me the other day when we were talking about something she said to you, will you share that with us? Yeah. So it was while you had to leave or when you were leaving, what she said It was, it was later.

It was probably, it's, it's the last time that I spoke to them on the phone, which I. If we spoke to them, it was mostly to her. I think that I, I can only remember talking on the phone to my dad two times and the first time I, I'm sure I must have as, as I was, but as I was like living with my mom. But, but it wasn't often if so, but the, the two times, so the first time was when I.

I wanted to get married and I was pregnant and my mom didn't want me to get married and so my dad actually still had custody of us. And so I called my dad and I said you know, I wanna get married and I'm pregnant. And, and he said, how do I know you're really pregnant? And I just said, you don't. And he said, okay.

And then, and then actually signed custody of, of me to James is, is how he did that. And so, and then the second time, what, and this was when I had that conversation with my stepmother and it was probably, I wanna say it must have been around 2003 or four, two, somewhere in that ballpark. And that was the last time I've spoke to them.

And, my stepmom said we had to send you away because I knew I would never stop and I don't, I don't even remember how we got on that subject, but that's what she said. I knew I would never stop. So that's. Gosh, that has to just open up a whole Pandora's box of questions for you. Why? Like, why couldn't you stop and why did you feel like you had to do this?

And why? Because it's not like you were teenagers. Not that it would make it okay if you were teenagers either, but when you're so little, you're so little. Like I think of seven and nine year olds, they're babies still. They're just so little and innocent and just what to be loved and cared for and like.

Like, and we were young when, when the, and think how young we were when it began In the beginning. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like you were babies the whole time you were with her. I can't even, like, I can't imagine like having

not having compassion for a child. I mean, I.

Give me a baby. Anybody. Give me a baby. And I will love that baby as if it came from my own body. Yes. And just absolutely. Without, without question. Without. And it wouldn't even be hard. It wouldn't be hard. I, I absolutely agree with you. So, but I, I mean, and he, this is even given you being raised with. In some pretty awful circumstances.

Yeah, I mean, making you eat your own throw up like that is. That to me that's so demented and distorted. Yeah, like I, like, I, I can't even try to understand that. Like, I, I, I tend to be a person that tries to understand where people are coming from, why they do things. But I, some of the things I've heard since I've started doing this work, it's very hard for me to like, understand what has happened in your life that you thought this was a good choice, a good decision to make, to have these little girls eat their own throw up.

From the age of what? Yeah, and I Four and three or two. Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah. I can't even, you know, I don't, I don't remember early obviously, but I can remember probably as early as being six. So, and, and then, you know, that is the one thing that probably I would tell you that I was scarred the, the most over as far as that I knew I was scarred over.

Right? Because I, like, I can be on death's door and not throw up. And if I'm sick enough that I have to throw up, it's like. There were times when I, and even being pregnant, like morning sickness, I would not throw up. And if I did, I can remember calling my husband at work sobbing saying, you have to come home right now, because I threw up.

Yeah. And it was just like, I didn't know what to do with that. It's triggering. Oh man. And just like sob and I was just actually it. I wanna say that it's like, it's probably been like three years since I threw up, but I can remember, like I was like, I didn't cry. It was the first time in my life I didn't cry.

When I threw up, like, I must be making progress. I dunno, because that's finally, like, I think I, in so many ways I'm finally letting it, letting that go. Yeah. But but it seems like. I'm finding new stuff all the time. Yeah. But, but that, it's so beautiful though because that's kind of how healing happens.

It doesn't just happen all at once and it's not like it's just, okay, I did all this work. It's over. Like things will still pop up or maybe new things will show up that maybe you don't even remember consciously, but they're buried somewhere deep inside. But I just feel like it's a blessing when they come up.

'cause it gives us the opportunity to work through it. So we can't work on something we don't know exists. And I think a lot of times suppression is our way of coping, and so I do, yeah. When it does come up, the next thing comes up. You get to now go, okay, I can unwrap this, unbox this, and just throw it away so that I can be healthier.

Just, and then it just feels like you, your load has just been lightened a little bit more. Right. Have you, is that, has that been your experience? Absolutely. I, I feel like in so many ways that I feel like it's like, ugh. Like just a protection from God. I hate to, I, that's how I feel. It is like, like, let's get through this and then maybe we can deal with this next small thing.

Yeah. And, and it's not like, it's not like I haven't, I'm, I'm happy I have a happy life and I think sometimes I'm so grateful that that, that, that's helped the stability of. My life has been good. Not that it's been perfect and we, you know, and, and my husband and I have had our share of, of problems and, but it's like he's a rock that kind of steadies everything else around, around.

Yeah. And, and so. I do, I do feel like, like, you know, it's funny 'cause like anytime that it's like anything time, something really stressful or traumatic happens, then it's like I go through it all again. And it's funny, it's, it's funny the things I do, I will, I don't have a great relationship with food. I will binge or I will.

It's just like, and. If you would've asked me if you, if I soothed with food, I would've said no. But now I for sure know I do. Like, I absolutely know I do. And so like, so here's a, the craziest thing happened a little over a year, and I like spiraled, like not, I don't wanna say that. I was like.

Depressed or, but I would like so it was really hard. So my husband and I, we were getting on an airplane. We were getting ready to, we were going to Morocco to visit some friends of ours that were missionaries in Morocco. And so we're really excited to go see our friends. We hadn't seen them in months.

And, and we are going to get onto, we, we go through and we're on the jet way. And they're checking passports, right? And so I hand my passport to the guy, to the officer, and he says, I have a warrant for your arrest. I said, no, you don't. And he's just like, deadpan, right? And I'm like, you don't. Yes, I do. And so James is already ahead and I'm like, James and I, anyways.

I, they arrested me and I was in jail for a couple of days. I was never, actually, not quite a couple of days, I was never actually fully booked, but I was like at the airport jail and then I was moved and over to the Dallas County jail and it was, it was, and they were telling me that there was a warrant with an extradition notice for me out of.

Out of Wyoming. And so we were and they said, you have two choices. You can fight the extradition and then they have 60 days to prove it's you and you'll stay in jail or you can cooperate and then they have 30 days to come get you. There's no, and I said, well, why don't we just, can we post a bond?

We will drive to Wyoming right now. Like, no, you are a fugitive. Anyways. It was really, it was, it was, it was, it was very scary. And then luckily one of my sons mission Companions as an attorney and he was able to get ahold of the officer that, that was in charge of that case, and it was a, it was mistaken identity.

It was another Nikki Jones, but we used to live there and I think what they did was they just pulled up Nikki Jones and there was a old, and because we have the picture of her, it's definitely not me, but they definitely flagged me. As the warrant. And so anyway, because your name is just too prominent, I guess.

Yeah, because so and so, anyway, so that happened and, you know, we went, we're obviously worked through it. I'd like grateful that I'm out of jail and everything's okay, but it's like for the next few months, like I would find myself just like standing in my kitchen. Not doing anything like, like the day would go and I had just stood in my kitchen, maybe played on my phone.

Just like literally not done any. And I love to quilt. I love to sew. And I wasn't even going, like when, sometimes at the end of the day I would just like, just go in and, and, and go in your sewing room. And so I would go in my sewing room and I'd be like, why didn't I come in sooner? And I would know that, but then the next day I would just do it again.

And it was like, for, for months, I would, and like, you know, I do, I would do the. I do what I'm supposed to do. Mm-hmm. But I would do the bare minimum. I keep my house clean, I get that done. And I have responsibilities at church and I would, I do my, I take care of my responsibilities, but it was the last second and there was no choice.

And it had to be done. And I would do it. It was like, so there's like these things that, that I do. That I almost like don't realize I'm doing it, and then even when I do realize it, it's still hard to. Break out of it. Yeah. Yes. You know, it's almost like you knew whenever you got in trouble it was stand in the kitchen or sit on your bed.

Right. Yeah. I actually never, I did not put that together, but, but I mean, that's what I'm hearing, because like, you had to stand in the kitchen to eat, and that felt like punishment. You sat on the end of your bed and you had to get permission to go to the bathroom. That felt like punishment, so it's like, oh.

Like a consequence to an action, even though you weren't that Nick Jones and you didn't do anything wrong. Just the whole going through that whole experience probably kind of triggered you and put you back in like back in trouble. Right? Even though before you weren't even doing anything to be in trouble, but you were always in trouble.

Yeah. Oh yeah. So, so maybe there's a correlation there in your mind, like, okay, this is what I have to do because I did something wrong. Absolutely completely. I, I don't know. I feel like trauma is a wild ride. We, we just never know how it's gonna show up and where it's gonna show up and, and then, but it, again, it gives us the opportunity to go, okay, so why did this happen?

And what can I do so that I don't go back there so that I can, I can respond better next time, I guess. Right, right, right. So, yeah. Weird stuff and yeah. Then, you know, another situation just recently was the effect of my my son was has had some really unexpected health problems and really could have died and some strange stuff going on and, and then, and got some more, you know, that all worked out and he had to have several surgeries over, a couple surgeries over the, a few days and.

Got home and, and then, you know, going back to the doctor and they say, well, we think maybe it's an issue with your heart. And then I was like, I had a, just one of those days where it was like, I don't, I don't know what to call them when it happens because I don't, if you ask me are you depressed or anything, no, but I just don't cope that.

And so the, I had just a bad day and I. Ate horrible. And then I felt sick and gross and, and then the next morning I was talking to my husband. My husband works out of town and so he FaceTimes me each morning and we, and we, and we talk for, for a while before we start our day. And and he was feeling a little bit down and I was like.

Why are you down? He, him and my oldest son just booked a really big trip that they're real excited about and I'm like, you should be happy. He's like, you know, my kids, I'm worried. And, and then one of our sons might be moving and it's a little bit sad. It's, it's fine, but it's a little sad. And and I said, I need to pray for my kids more.

You know, it was just a comment. I said, 'cause I am not. Great with my prayers as as I would like to be. And so I get off the phone and I think, okay, we're gonna have a chat. And so I start praying and then I'm just sobbing and, and just, I realize how good I am at dealing with a situation without dealing with the feelings that come with that situation.

Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? It was like I. Am really good at just getting through that. Getting through things that are hard, like going through the emotions, but not the emotion part. Yeah. Of it. I could, I'm, I can push that emotion. Emotions, but not the emotions. Emotions. So you can Exactly. You can. You can be solid and be there and handle it.

But then the emotional part of it is where there's like a disconnect. Yes. What you're saying? Yes. Yeah. And it was like, and I, and then it's so funny because it's like, that happens and then I'm shocked. I'm like, well, I didn't know that. I, I didn't know I was doing that. So, I, I was, there's still things that I am coming up all the time, but I think that, I think for, for, there's a couple of things I that I do, and one is that I try to be positive, you know what I mean? And it actually sometimes drives my husband crazy because he thinks I can put a positive spin on anything and I probably can put a positive spin on anything, but I would go crazy. I think if I, if I allowed myself like, like I.

I have enough problems, I think if I allowed myself to dip into depression. Mm-hmm. The few time, the times when I have, it's a hard hole to dig out of. Yeah. And so, so you've coped by going, look, I'm gonna just look at everything positive. But I believe in that too. 'cause I'm that person. Like, if I can just find the good in this, then I can get through this.

Yes. I still, I'm a very emotional person though too. 'cause I'll cry for at the drop of a hat if a friend is crying, I'm there with her crying. But I think that, it's good for us to, to acknowledge some of those feelings and, and go, okay, is this something that I, I need to look at closer or is this something that's beneficial or healthy for me?

You know? Right. And I think if we always kind of take that approach, then that gives us more of the opportunity to, to kind of better our circumstance. 'cause if you go down that deep dark hole, that's hard. It's hard to get out of it's, but if you find that that little, even if it's a speck of positivity or that little tiny silver lining in something, I think it's okay to hold onto that to help you, like write it out.

But I think it's also healthy after the fact to maybe process some of that stuff that, that maybe you suppressed by holding onto that. Yes, yes. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's kind of how I, I think about it. When I realized what I had done then, like my son came over to help me with something and, and we had a chat and, and I, I felt better facing it.

I really did. Yeah. But.

Yeah, it's just so, I really appreciate you sharing 'cause this is like some big stuff and I know it's probably hard to talk about publicly, but I really appreciate you sharing these experiences with us because I think everything, it's so wonderful for, for us to see people who have experienced such deep.

Dark adversity, but that have pulled themselves to better state. Not that like we're perfect because we're in a better place, but because I think we're always a work in progress. But I think just like you just have this beautiful light about you, this beautiful spirit about you, and I just, I can see that you're determined to make sure that this never happens to.

Any of your posterity, so you for sure were gonna pass it on to your children. Yes. Or your grandchildren. But what was the one thing that you could think of that made the biggest difference in your life to help you kind of see things differently and do things differently and maybe forgive people? Like what's something that you've done in your life that kind of turned things around for you?

I think that honestly the number one thing has been my faith. Mm-hmm. And, and that's progressed a great deal over the years, and it's taking, I, I, I don't know. I, number one, the world is so ugly sometimes, and I don't, I don't know, like. How anybody can get through that without some faith. For me personally, that has changed.

Like I've had to like look at myself a few times about like, a situation where. My stepmom like sent me a friend request. This sounds, this sounds silly. It sounds silly, but she sent me a friend request on Facebook, and this is a few years ago, and I can remember that I, I agonized over that for like, I wanna say at least a month.

And I was having that talk with myself of. Do you? Are you, you gonna practice what you preach? Do you believe that you forgive and. And in the end it was so funny because I did accept and I was just so grateful that it wasn't gonna be, that it wasn't a rush of I want to connect. Kind of like, yeah, it was just a, I'm sure a passing thing for her.

But for me, I had to really look at myself and and think, do you really forgive people? And, and I really do think I have, I, so I, I think that as I just build a relationship with my savior,

and I think that when I finally started to believe

that he thought I was worth dying for. Me,

I think that that's when Real Healing started and and then it's just the, and, and so I've just been grateful for the little steps. I've been grateful that I learned to know myself a little bit better and mm-hmm. You know, I, when we talked before, I was telling you about the, there was a situation where I was at church and there was a couple of things that happened really close together that and one was that they were talking, well, the first thing that happened was it was a mother's day, and the, the ward that I was in had made a beautiful.

Like little luncheon thing for the ladies. And I went to that and it was lovely, but I was, I was at my max of what I could do. And that evening younger sister and she really sweet lady, texted me and said, my mom is coming into town. She had moved and, but she used to be. My visiting teacher, and so she's like, do you want to come over and we'll do, like, I don't, I can't remember.

It was something like, we're gonna make s'mores and have a fire or something. And I was, I said, no, I couldn't do it. It was too close to the one thing that I couldn't, like, I just couldn't face it. And that awkwardness of like not knowing what to say to people and, and then. A couple weeks later, we were having a meeting at church and one of the sisters that was teaching our class was talking about how we need to be careful because say we say, we call someone and we say, would you say the prayer?

And you know, like, and, and then they say Yes, and then, but then they get scared and then they don't, they. They can't face it. So then they don't come to church and then they beat themselves up because they didn't come to church and then they, and they bailed on you. So then they can't come the next, like how it builds, right?

And I was sitting there and I was thinking about, and they were just talking about like anxi, how anxiety is. And I was sitting there thinking, and then I was like, that's me. That's me. And I've just been coming to church for so long that, that I'm not gonna let something stop me. But I was like, that's totally me.

I don't hate people. I love people. Yeah. I just, you just have a limit. I just, yeah. I just, and so then I, I like, I went through a spell where. I was crying all the time, and I would just tell my husband, I'm not who I thought I was. And it was like, it was a, it was devastating for me to see that about myself.

And he would just be like, Nikki, you're okay. You're the same person you've always been. You're fine. You're, you're, it's okay. You. You know, it's okay. Yeah. To know yourself and now you know a little bit more and it, and yeah. So sometimes that was probably, that was probably the hardest, was that particular situation.

But that's when it kind to, I've just been grateful that I have taken these little steps and, and then just. I have an amazing life. I have three boys that are just wonderful. They've married wonderful ladies. I have seven grandchildren that are, they just rock my whole world, so, so, you know, and what a blessing for you to do that work so that your kids can have such a beautiful life and your grandkids could have such a beautiful life.

Because I think it's, for some people, it's easy to just do what was done to us. Yeah. 'cause that's what we know. Yeah, but I think it's even harder to take something that has happened and let that be a thing that happened and heal from that, and to move forward and, and be better, right, and do better and act better and treat people so much better because you know what it feels like to be on the other side of that.

So, yeah, I'm not justified to take to, to treat people poorly because I was treated poorly. It's, it's not, well, I don't think there's any justification ever between somebody poor, and so maybe like, we try to understand why, but that doesn't make it okay. It's just our like, because that's what I try to do is I try to understand where you were.

That made you feel like that was the choice that you should make in that situation. Right. And but there's, the beautiful thing is we're never stop. We don't have to ever stop growing. We can always become better. And that's, I, I agree with you with, that's through the atonement of Jesus Christ. And that's where absolutely.

Being close and connected to God is such a strength I've had. I feel the same way in my life. Like things that have happened in my life. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him as my rock, my anchor. So thank you so much for sharing that with us. Like your story is tough, but so beautiful how you've transformed everything so that you could come out a winner and on top right, and every day you could see another blessing in your life because of the, I just feel like.

From the greatest challenges come sometimes come the most beautiful blessings. And I just really appreciate your time with us on the podcast today, and I thank you so much for being vulnerable with us and sharing your story because I know that there's somebody out there that's gonna hear this and, and know that they could, they could.

Heal. They can forgive and they can be better. Yes, because I really truly believe that forgiveness is the first step for us to be able to truly, truly dig up some of that stuff and, and get it out. I agree. So thank you so much, Nikki, for your time. We really appreciate having you. Thanks for inviting me.

Yes. If Nikki's story has touched you, or if you have thoughts, or if you've even felt some of the things that Nikki has felt, please leave a comment below so that we can hear from you. We're so grateful that you're here and listening to this podcast. Have a blessed day.