EP17: Escaping Abuse Natalie's Path to a New Beginning

Natalie Tallakson: Leaving Abuse, Rebuilding Life, and Trusting Your Intuition.

On the Irene Podcast, Natalie Tallakson shares how she left a 19-year abusive relationship in 2018 after realizing the harm was affecting her children, then packed a small U-Haul and drove from southwest Georgia to her family in Southern Utah, where she was met with support. She discusses how fear, shame, trauma bonding, and hoping things would improve kept her stuck, especially within a military family nearing retirement and after repeated deployments. Natalie describes rebuilding through boundaries, self-healing, journaling “evidence” to strengthen intuition, and later meeting her current husband via online dating, emphasizing mutual respect, apologies, and freedom from control. The conversation highlights mindset, trusting gut instincts, finding support systems (including podcasts), and her advice to take the first “leap of faith” step, after which the next steps appear.

00:00 Natalie’s Escape Story
02:43 Why Leaving Is Hard
04:09 Rebuilding After Abuse
05:44 Kids Spark the Wake Up
06:42 Military Life and False Hope
10:05 Dating Yourself Then Dating Apps
11:49 Co Parenting and Boundaries
15:17 Fear Shame and Self Love
16:50 Trust Your Body and Intuition
20:12 No Is a Full Sentence
22:15 Mother’s Intuition Connection
24:27 Living by Intuition
24:43 Book of Evidence Journal
26:50 Grace and Shared Struggles
28:08 Support Systems to Escape
30:16 Breadcrumbs and Trauma Bonds
32:41 Healing Takes Time
33:33 Self Love and Green Flags
35:36 Healthy Marriage Repair
38:20 Empathy and Safe Spaces
41:25 Reinventing After Survival
43:31 Presence Over Anxiety
45:30 Leap of Faith Advice
46:55 Closing Thanks

Natalie Tallakson: https://www.instagram.com/desertdwellingliving?igsh=NG1yM2Uxa2V0Zzhp

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Transcript

Welcome back to the Irene Podcast. Today we have with us Natalie Tallakson, and she's gonna share with us her story. Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor and a privilege to share and be a part of Irene.

So my story, I left a 19 year relationship back in 2018. And, and started rebuilding my life from there. But in 2018, the, I had a, a, an awakening in 2017 that really woke me up from, I'm an abusive relationship and I could no longer. Control what I thought was control. It had bled into my children's lives and I realized that I had to leave and I had to take my kids out of the situation before something tragic happened to myself or my children.

And, and so I packed up. A small little U-Haul with our clothes and a few toys, and I left everything behind the life that I had built with the person that was supposed to love me. And we drove from southwest Georgia to Southern Utah where I'm from originally. And I didn't have all the answers and I didn't know what I was gonna do.

And. I had my two kids and the dog, and we, I picked up my sister from the Atlanta airport. She flew in and I drove through passenger pickup with my U-Haul in my car and we made the trek across the country in record, you know, three days. And I'll never forget my family who had really rallied behind me because I kept so much from them over the years 'cause I was protecting my abuser.

They all had gathered at my brother's house and it was. In January, it was Martin Luther King weekend, you know, that long holiday weekend, and it was Monday night, so all of the family had gathered. And so when we drove in, we were just received with love and, and, and I knew that. Like that was my hope.

That was the light at the end of the tunnel. 'cause it wasn't until we pulled in that I was able to really be like, okay, that was scary. But like now the hard work Yeah. Begins. Yeah. Yeah. I like, people go, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave? But it's so easy to say. It's so hard to do no matter what the situation.

I feel like. Hmm. In the back of your mind, you're like, I, I spent so much time, effort, and energy building something and now I'm just leaving it all behind. But when you're in an abusive relationship, there comes a point where you're like, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. And like you said, your kids, your health, your safety, that was priority number one.

Yeah. Because all those things can be replaced. Yep. You can buy another house. You can buy more furniture, you can buy more clothes, you can buy, like everything can be replaced, but you cannot replace those beautiful, precious children. Yep. Or yourself. Or yourself. Yeah. And, and that's what. Now, eight years later is more than anything is the greatest good that you can do for the world is to know who you are and to not lose yourself.

Yes. Because you are important and your journey here adds to the collective and you. Story matters and you are the main character of your life. And, and no matter what's been told to you from others, whether it's a loved one or the outside, your, you matter and your experience matters and you contribute to this world.

Yeah, so. You know, I had a great example. My mother I lost my father when I was 20 and my mother was 50, and so she, she has rebuilt her life slowly. Just, you know, we, in our family, we like to say chop wood and carry water. 'cause that book's great. If you haven't read that book, it's amazing, but it's the little things that matter.

It's chopping the wood every day and carrying the water every day. That one day you wake up and you realize you have this really beautiful, amazing life. And she, when my dad passed away, she had less than nothing. Like she was left with a bunch of debt. She had kids at home. Like she didn't know how she was gonna do it.

And, and that was like the hope. I was like, well, if my mom did it, I can do it. But when I was in that abusive relationship, it was podcasts like Irene that I really leaned into. It was the. Co, you know, sh being shoved in the corner of the couch, like secretly watching all of these things, wondering, how am I gonna get out of this?

How am I gonna do this? And, you know, I prided myself on being this strong, independent woman. Even in my marriage, my, my first marriage, it was just like, I can do anything. I don't need anyone. Right. It was, it was such like that. Yes, that was true, but I was also living a lie. I was not able to do much in that marriage.

Yeah, yeah. You were surviving, not thriving. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yes. And, and so were my kids. My kids. That was the big awakening is something had happened. And my daughter said something to me and I was like, she is now. I'm trying to help control her dad's emotions. It's not just me. She is now at seven years old trying to control, because she probably learned from watching you and, and herself.

Yeah. How did she survive in this family? Yeah. Right. And she, adaptation is a real thing. It is a real thing. And survival instincts kick in. And, and that was when, that was the big aha for me was like. I am not protecting my children here. Like if I stay any longer, they're not protected. Yeah. And so how old were they when you left?

My daughter was seven and my son was 10. Okay. Yeah. And so, my, we were a military family and we were six months away from retirement and that we were. What kept me there so long was always the next promotion, always the next, oh, it'll be better, I'll be better when, yeah, it'll be better. I'll have less stress when this happens.

It'll get better when this happens. And it always got worse. Yeah. And it always got worse and worse. And, and then he would leave on a deployment like we did nine deployments together. Like, so it was always like. This romantic, like romanticizing the possibility instead of being in the reality. So now that I'm out of that cycle, I can see I was just.

Living on hope and a prayer. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think a lot of us like see the potential there and think if I just do X, Y, and Z good enough. Yeah. Then he'll reach that potential. Yes. Yes. And if I'll lose more weight and if I do this perfectly, and I tell you, I joke all the time, like I wish I had the wife that I was, 'cause I had dinner on the table, hot and ready five o'clock every day.

I'm like, man, do you know what kind of things I could accomplish in this world if I had a wife that was as cool as me? Yeah. So, and you know, the opposite end of that coin is now is I, I don't do a lot of those things kind of out of rebellion for who that person was, but also like that's not a priority.

Like if we have dinner as a family a couple times a week, I'm really happy. It doesn't have to be every night, but. Because life be life in and, but as your kids get older, like Yeah, they're not around as much. They're 70 different directions. Yes. Yeah. Right. Because they have their friends and their priorities.

That's right. They have their jobs and school activities and, and yes, so I really am in the season of motherhood and, and career. Like if those two things don't really fit in that box, then it's for another time, and. So that's what I'm in. I'm just trying to enjoy my kids for the time that they're at home full time, because they're going to be off living their own lives soon enough.

And so I'm just trying to enjoy the moment. Yeah, yeah. And enjoy the life that you've built back. That's more, that looks like the life that you want instead of the life that you. Year for. That's right. And I really have rebuilt, I joke with my best friend who I met with. With my first marriage. So she has really seen the evolution.

I met her six months into my first marriage. So she really, she's been there for it all. Yeah, she's really seen a lot of it. Right. And I joke with her often, like, my worst day today is better than my best. Stay then. Yes. Because of the freedom that I have and because I am just me and I'm not controlled, and I'm not being manipulated and I'm not all of these things.

So yeah, I have rebuilt, I worked hard as a single mom. I put up really specific boundaries with dating. I dated myself. I was healing. I was in a deep healing. It's the best thing to do. Yes. The best thing to do. And, and then one day, like one day I was like, my kids were gone for Christmas. I knew that they were gonna be gone to see their dad for Christmas.

And I was like, I really just wanna watch football with someone who's into football. 'cause none of my family's into football. And so, you know, you get on the dreaded. Online apps, but I was so busy, like how else was I meeting people? Yeah. So, I started, I started with the online apps and anyway, I met my husband through the, through online and he was the first one that I actually wanted a second date with.

Well, there you go. I went on lots of first dates and I met some incredible. Men that were not my person. Yeah. Like they, but still incredible men. But still incredible men. Yeah. And I met lots of not so great. Kind of the same. They needed to do their own healing. They needed to really spend some time on themselves because I do believe in second chances.

I do believe that any of us, even my ex-husband, I've healed so much that like if we were able to have an actual conversation and, and he had put in the work, I, I could see us potentially. You know, not having a close relationship, but, but co-parenting well together. Yeah. And right now my ki kids are old enough that their relationship is really up to them.

Yes. I don't get involved at all unless, you know, if there's a medical something going on or, my son joined the Navy and so my ex was, we, we communicated for that because he retired from the Marine Corps. So obviously he has some advice and opinions. Right, right. And it's important that that is important, but.

It's also important to protect myself and my healing and where I am. Yeah. And to limit that exposure. And I have the luxury of doing that. Not everyone has the luxury of doing that. He is 1700 miles away. I don't have to interact with him every day. And I realize, and I don't take it for granted, but I do think that it's possible for everyone to come back to themselves.

And to choose themselves and to love themselves enough to look for the support that's out there. Yeah. To leave a relationship that's, that's not ideal. Yeah. Or more than not ideal. Or more than not ideal. Yeah. I'm being very kind with my words, but No, but that's okay. I mean, I get that because like I've even, I've even hoped that my ex could.

Figure out how to heal. 'cause I don't know that he has, I don't know. It's been so long and I don't know where he is in his life, but yeah. But like you get to a point where you're no longer bitter and angry at that person, you realize all of those things are because of who they are and maybe some things that happened to them that they never dealt with or healed from, or.

Figured out Yeah. Was in there. Right. And so they, they do certain things because it makes them feel like, okay, I have control of this. Even though I don't have control of all these other things in my life, I'm choosing to control people instead of what I should be figuring out. Right, right. So, and, and so I think that there comes a time where you can like.

Almost feel like empathy, but like a little sadness too. If they never get that help because they don't realize what they're missing out, what they're really missing out on in life, right? Because that healing, 'cause sometimes we go into that relationship, broken ourselves and we don't get to do the healing until way down the road when we we're out and we realized I need to really love me, right?

Because once I love me. That's, I'm good. That's right. Because I can, I can be that strong, independent woman if I have to be for as long as I have to be. But if I'm in love with myself, then when the right person comes along, it's easy and it, and it makes sense and it just like, it just fits right into what you're doing because.

They're in a good place. You're in a good place. Okay. This, this could work. Yep. And even like you said, we're all continually healing and we're all at different levels, but I think it's loving yourself to know, to give yourself the grace to say, I'm gonna have bad days. And while I love my husband and we have, I have bad days and, and he supports me through it and he has bad days and I support him through it and, and.

It's loving yourself enough to just allow the emotions to come and know that they're just energy, emotion moving through you and to not hold onto it. Yeah, and there's nothing more paralyzing than fear and shame. And I think that that's why people, well, for me, I'm not gonna speak for other people. For me, that's why I stayed so long in my first relationship is because I was fearful of what was on the other side.

I was ashamed of being divorced because of my religious upbringing. I was. Fearful there was so much fear and shame into choosing myself and into choosing a healthier relationship that it was paralyzing. And until you can just love yourself and realize, release the fear and the shame, and realize that the only thing at the end of the end of the day is.

How I feel about myself and looking in the mirror and knowing that my mindset matters. My intention matters, and what I think about myself is the only thing that matters. It's not what anyone else thinks about me. Yeah, that's a big one. 'cause I, I felt a lot of those things too. Like, I felt a lot of shame like that.

I let. It go on for as long as it, oh, it's so, it wasn't even that long. I wasn't in it for 18 years. Mine was a year and a half, but it started pretty quickly after I got married. But I was just like, okay, I'm gonna ride this out and see what happens. Yeah. And. Like things were happening and I knew in my heart of hearts, in my gut that this is not right.

The body never lies. Right. Right. The body will tell you immediately when I, this is gonna be maybe too much, I'm just gonna share. When I was dating my ex-husband, when we would kiss, I would get physically ill and my body knew right away that this person was not meant for me. I would get. Physically ill, and I go back to that and I'm like, the body never lies.

Once I learned that, I was like, trust your gut, trust your intuition, because your body is not using the logical, our brain, our consciousness is trying to logically figure things out. That's what it's built to do. It's a computer trying to solve problems, and if you're lonely, guess what? It's trying to solve that problem.

Yeah, I was reading this book and it said there's a, a side of your brain that, that says, oh, what is it? You know, it's the book that we're both reading. It's the side, there's a side of your brain that says, that, says, okay, this is this like. Thanks. Like this is reality. Yes. And the other side of your brain is proving that.

That's right. So if you're a negative person, you'll get proved n right all the time. That, that everything around you is awful. If you're a positive person, you'll get proved right all the time. That everything around you is great because your brain responds to your thoughts a hundred percent. You have these thoughts, your breed will do everything to prove that it's true.

A hundred percent. That's why mindset is so important. Yes, mindset and how you talk to yourself and talking to yourself in the mirror is transformative. I suggest if you're struggling, you talk really kindly to yourself in the mirror and, and just see how that changes. It changes your posture. It changes how you present yourself.

It changes how you see the world. We're all seeing the world through our lens, right? We see the toxic behaviors and we justify them because we're using our lived experience and we wouldn't do those things, but if we were to allow people. To be themselves and not see them through our lens, but see them for what they are.

We save ourselves a lot of pain and heartache. That's true. That's true. Because I'm the kind of person that I wanna see the good and everything. That's right. Like, like I, that's my default. And I'm fine with that because it has served me so well in my life, but I've learned that I can't always apply that to people.

Yes, like I wanna see the good, but I'm also going to not not be blinded to the bad. That's right. So I can see the good in you. And then also like when those little things like red flags pop up for me, I can be like, okay, I like this person. That's something that I'm gonna pay attention to though. That's right.

'cause I'm a very intuitive person. My mother was so good and taught me. Always rely on your gut. I love that. Always rely on your gut. Yes. 'cause your intuition is always right. That's right. It's always right. That's, and you'll, you'll like talk your way out of it, but in instinctually instantly that first thought.

That's usually right. That's right. Your intuition. Like I'll come across somebody that I'm like, I don't know about them. I don't need a reason. That's right. I've learned to trust that within me, that I don't need to, I don't need proof that what I just thought was true. I just need to have that thought, and then I just keep it and then I go, okay, I'm gonna be careful with this person because I don't feel like I can trust them.

Mm-hmm. Okay. What you said is so powerful in that you don't have to justify your actions. I think that's so important to that Women hear that message is, I feel like everyone has received that. No is a full sentence. Right. But also, you don't have to justify. Your actions or your distance from someone or something if it's feeling off, off.

You don't have to justify that. You don't have to tell anyone, oh, I've changed my mind, because it feels off because you, how do you explain a feeling in a gut feeling? You'll never logically explain that to someone, and that's what they're looking for. So they can talk you into it or justify an action or, and it's.

Once you just lean into that intuition and that gut feeling, you'll find that your life really does align and opportunities expand and your life is full of joy and happiness because you're always choosing yourself and what's best for you. Yeah, and you don't even have to justify to yourself. 'cause that's one thing that we do.

Yes. Like we'll have a thought or we'll, we'll feel something, and then we'll be like, okay, is this real? Is this like, we'll try to justify to ourselves, I don't do that. I just trust it. Yeah. And I've learned that over years, like I used to. It takes practice, right? I used to be like, well, but actually I see this, this, and this.

So maybe it's not as bad as that thought was. Yes, I'm proven wrong Most of the time I'm proven wrong, like proven wrong. When I, when I take that path instead of that's right, of listening to my gut intuitions. I hear you. So I have learned. I'll just trust myself. Even if I'm not on an island with my, my opinion about somebody, I'll be on that island 'cause y'all will join me soon.

And if they don't, then, and if you don't, that's fine too. But that's your journey and, and bless you. Yeah. As they say in the south. Yeah. But like, I just, I think that that's one thing that, that everyone has, not just women, but everyone has everyone. I think as a mother. It's stronger. I know that for me with my children, I know when something's wrong with my children.

Before my children even know something's wrong. Yes. Or before my children even say something to me. Yes, I know. Like I have this connection. Yes. My kids are all adults now, so sometimes I get sad 'cause they're leaving my house. That's right. I know when something's off with my kids, even if they're across the country.

I have a son that lives in New Jersey and a few months ago I got, I had a day where all day I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I got this strong, strong feeling like in my soul. That something was going on and I just, I just prayed for him. Mm-hmm. I just prayed for him because I didn't know what it was and I didn't have, you know, I couldn't call him and so I just prayed.

And then sometimes I go outside and I look at the sky and I talk to him in the sky. Like I just, that's so beautiful. I just. I know when something's off with my kids and we all have that connection with each other if we want to build that connection. We're like a giant spider web. When the spider's moving over here, the web's not still over here.

Right. And so you're feeling that vibration from your son because that connection is so strong and really everyone has that, and it's a power that's all within us because we're all connected. Like if I wanted to have a connection with you and we built a friendship, we would have that strong connection where you'd be like, that's why those intuitive hits of I need to call this person.

I need to talk to this person, reach out to this purchase person. That's why. It's so important to follow those intuitive hits. Yeah. Because it's the little string. It's the little pole of connection that you're feeling. And that's, it's so, it's strong. It's really strong. And the, I, I've also learned, the more that you pay attention and listen to it, the more it just becomes a part of like, I don't even.

Consciously realize, I think Yeah. Because I'm so used to just listening to that. Yes. So most of the time if I, if I get a thought or a feeling, I just act on it. And I just keep moving through my day. I, I, I don't even go, oh wow, I just had this intuitive thought. Right? Because for me, it's so present.

Because I listen so much to it. I hear it so clearly. I have a really good friend that she calls it her book of evidence because when we're trying to rebuild ourselves and we're trying to understand our intuition, and we're trying to come back to ourselves, because when you're in a 19 year relationship, like you're a shell of a person, and I'm out collecting all of the pieces of myself, right?

And I have this good friend who said. Put that in your book of evidence journaling. I, I'm a journaler and she knows that. Yeah. So she's like, go pull it out and remind yourself that you were intuitive about this and this happened because 2020 is right. Hindsight's 2020. Yeah. We all are, are making the decisions that we know.

In the moment with the information that we have, but sometimes after we make a decision, more information is given and we're like, oh, if I would've known that, I would've made a different decision. But we don't always have that luxury. But when you're trying to come back to yourself, if you can just collect your book of evidence and.

And it's those intuitive hits. I felt like I needed to call my son, or I knew something was off with my son and, and you're just like, journaling. I don't know what's going on. I just feel this. I'm praying for him. And then you can come back to that and be like, this is what happened. And then that is you just collecting your evidence of knowing, trusting yourself.

And eventually we don't have to have that book of evidence. Right. But. We're all human in this human experience and going through the growth and the expansion and trying to break patterns and cycles. And some of us get through breaking those patterns and cycles, and some of us don't. And, and. I think having that little book of evidence or any of those kind of tools that help you strengthen your intuition and what a beautiful life life would be if everyone was just living their true, authentic self.

Right. And, and. I, I, I kind of live in this altruistic world now, even the, all the things that life has thrown at me. But I try to just really meet people where they are and see them and give them grace for the things that they're experiencing and going through, because I am grateful for the people who gave me grace, yes.

And love. Through the really hard things that I go through. Yeah. Because there will be other hard things that I go through, and one thing I learned through my healing journey is everyone's going through something really hard at some point in their life. Nice. It may not have been an abusive relationship.

Right. But it's probably a loss of a child or it's. They're not able to conceive and they really want to be a family. There are really hard things besides just abuse that people are going through. And if we just slow down and we listen, we will see that we're all not all that different. And we're all actually more similar than we gave, give ourselves credit for.

Yeah. And we all respond to those heart challenging things in different ways. Like I know when I was, when I had first left, everything felt so big. Yes. Everything, every little decision felt big. Yes. And so I'm grateful that I had, I mean, I was, I was with my family and my parents were really, really supportive.

And I'm grateful that I had that support system around me because Yes. I didn't have a lot of friends. 'cause you know, sometimes when you're in those situations you don't Yeah. Because it's like, I don't want somebody too close. 'cause they'll see what this really is. Yes. So what always, I had a wonderful family too that I could come back to and yeah, they were 1700 miles away.

But I, I often wonder if I didn't have my family, would I have been able to get out? And I know that there are support systems in place and that's why I love. What you've created here with Irene is because it's another support system mm-hmm. For someone who doesn't have a support system. Yes. Because maybe you grew up in the foster system and all you've known is abuse and, and you don't know what true, like what pure love feels like and, and you don't trust it.

Right. Because your love has always been used to manipulate you. Mm-hmm. And so I hope that. With Irene and your podcast, that there are people out there that will just learn to trust themselves. Yes. And to get the support that's offered. Because when I was living in Southwest Georgia, I didn't, I had a support network there and when I reached out, there were some that couldn't support me when they, when the big ugly truth came out and they disappeared from my life, and it, it became very clear that not everyone who says that they're there for you is actually there for you. Yeah. And then, you know. People say, well, why didn't you call the cops? And I was like it was small town Georgia and he was a Marine, and whose side do you think the sheriff's gonna take?

And then my life is gonna be exponentially more scary. So that's not always an option either. So I think having. Trust. If you're in a situation that you need to leave, trusting your instincts and trusting your intuition, whether it's you're online and you're like, oh, I need to follow that, like the little hits, the little like, oh, research that.

Oh, look into that. Oh, just follow those breadcrumbs. Yeah, follow those breadcrumbs. 'cause they're going to lead you to the path to get out. Yeah. Yeah. And you just never know which one of those things. Is gonna give you the information that you need to get, have the confidence to leave sometimes. 'cause sometimes it's about like trusting that you can do it.

Yes. Trusting that you're, you're gonna be able to, to make it. 'cause it's that trauma bond is real. That trauma bond is real. And it happens fast. Yes. And the more years you're with somebody, sometimes the greater that is like you, your mind will go back to those good times because that reminds you like, okay, it's not all bad.

It's not all bad. He's and I, he hasn't hit me yet. Right. There's a hole in the wall, but that wasn't me. No. But you know when someone's timing you for how long you're at the grocery store or you can't go to I, I worked at a school. I was limited in what I could actually do for work. And I worked at a school and.

That was a blessing because all of those educators are educated on, they saw the signs reporting, right? They are, they have to report if they see abuse, and I was brought into a beautiful circle of people. I call 'em my angels because they, they would just ask questions and, and let me think about it, you know?

And then when the big thing happened, they were there. And they were checking on me and they were, they collected a little fund when I left, like it was, they were my angels. But you, everyone has angels around them. Mm-hmm. And that's what I mean by those little hits. Like you have a support system out there.

It's just trusting, trusting yourself to trust them. You and you don't have to have it all figured out. Take it day by day. Yeah. I'm still taking it day by day. Yeah. Yeah. And healing is a total journey, and it doesn't happen overnight, and it's okay. I feel like sometimes that slow process of just working through all of it helps it to really, really lock in at the end.

Like if you try to rush through stuff, you're gonna miss some things. Yeah. Take that time. Really, really like, yeah. Take that time by yourself too. I truly believe in that. Yes. Like I, because after I still need time by myself. Well, yeah, I do too. But like after I left. I remember, you know, a couple years later I started dating again and I was like, Nope, that's not right.

And then another guy, and then I was like, Nope, that's not right either. Yes, okay. You keep doing this, you keep finding these people that aren't the best for you. Right. So I did the same thing. I'm like, I'm gonna just love me. Yeah. I'm gonna work on me. I'm gonna work on like, if I never am in another relationship again, I will be completely happy and content because I love myself.

Yes, I would be sad 'cause I wouldn't have children. I would like those things, but I will be completely in love with myself and I can be with myself. I can be alone with myself. I can, I mean, all those things like mm-hmm. I just really worked on loving who I am. And just nourishing the parts of me that I knew helped me get out of that because I think that those are the parts that I really wanted to like be bigger.

Yes. Those bold parts of me that were like, you can do this, you can get out, you can, you know, you can move on. You can find another amazing man that treats you the way you deserve. Like all those things. So, 'cause my big goal was I wanted to have a family. I never had a family, fortunately I didn't have a family with this man, but I wanted to have a family.

And when I met my husband, I told him on our first date. I don't want a boyfriend, like, like we can be friends and stuff, but I don't want a boyfriend. And then on our first, or before our first day, I told him that. And then on our first day I was like, oh, I'm gonna marry this guy. I love that because he started checking all the boxes that I created of green flags.

Yeah. And I didn't see red flags. Yeah. I mean, he was not a perfect man. No one is, but there was nothing there that I was like, oof. From day one, like there was with the, the other men that I had dated before him. Right. So. It was just one of those things that I'm like, that's all that was. The trick is to love yourself before you get into a relationship with somebody.

Yes. Because if you truly love yourself, you won't put up with anything that doesn't serve you, that doesn't bring you joy and happiness. Yeah. Like yes, there's gonna be struggles and problems in any relationship. However, what's what to what degree? Yes. You know, like I can take the little. Struggles. Yes.

And now like being married for 25 years, almost 26 years, some big things too. But because I know who he is, he knows who I am, we get th through these things together. That's right. And hopefully what I found is, is my husband allows me to be me. And there's not that control factor of, of, you know, with my first marriage, it was perception.

A lot of it was control to, to control the narrative, control the perception. Right. And, and my husband just lets me be me and I can get a little woo woo, you know, and I pull, you know, it's, it's just really nice to just be with someone that just is allowing me, like, I'll just be like, well. For ex, like for example, I was like, I need to go to Mexico with this group.

And he's like, okay, I don't, I don't think you're asking. I said, I'm not asking. I'm going, I'm informing you. I'm informing you. And whether that's right or wrong, that's how I approached it. But you know, and we had to work through, like he was really hurt that I didn't ask him, and then I had to. We had to work through like, well, I wasn't really given an option before, and so now I don't feel like I have to ask, but I see that talking to you beforehand would've shown a sign of respect.

Mm-hmm. And so I apologize for not showing you respect and talking through it. And, and it was, it was great. And he just allows me, but it's like things like that. That you have to grow through the marriage, right? Yeah. It's like, oh, I've hurt you and I apologize. And when he hurts me, he apologizes. Yeah. And that's a huge thing.

And he doesn't, it's not just a surface apology, right? Like he really, he's really upset that he has upset me in a way that he, he doesn't wanna cause me harm. Right. Whether emotionally or physically, like, and he is not wanting to cause the children harm emotionally or physically. Right. And so. Through all of our imperfections.

We're just going through this life. But at the end of the day, we're choosing ourselves and we're choosing each other based on love and connection and Yeah, and, and when we make mistakes, apologizing like. People don't realize how big that can be for some of us. Right? Like when you've been with somebody who doesn't understand what the words, like, has never had the words, I'm sorry, fall out of their lips, right?

It's a big deal when you're with somebody who is like so quick to like make it right when they've made a mistake or the, I'm sorry, is followed up with why it was my fault. Yeah. I'm sorry, but you made me, yeah. You did this. Yeah. You acted this way. Yeah. And, and it's like I acted that, yeah, I I, you were crying.

I was crying because I was upset. Right. And also, crying is a part of the human body. It's how I release. So I cry when I'm happy. I literally will just be so joyfully happy in my car that I will be crying. Like that's how deeply I feel. And so to be not able to do that for so long. Probably overcompensate now because I wasn't really allowed to do that for so long.

I'm just a very, like, I, I feel things very deeply. Mm-hmm. 'cause I'm an empathetic, I a deeply empathetic person. Yes. And so in certain situations, I will kind of like put up a little protection around myself mm-hmm. So that I can handle the situation that I'm in. Mm-hmm. But for the most part, like when I'm around people that I like.

You have great energy. I could tell when you walked in the room, you had great energy. I'm like, okay, she's a safe person. And like, so I'm, I'm fine crying in front of anybody really. But there's certain people that like, I feel like, okay, I can completely just let the tears flow and it's a safe place for me to do that.

Yes, there's places where maybe it, it might feel a little uncomfortable, but. That's who I am. And, and I love that part. I used to hate that I cried about everything. Me, but now I love, I love that part of me. Yes. Because it's coming from a place of deep love. Yes. I deeply like I care about people. Like my husband was like, oh, I, I, I didn't know this about you, but one time we were driving down the road and I saw a woman sitting on a, on a bench at a bus stop.

And she looked like she had just overdosed on something. Mm. And my heart sink and I started crying. I don't even know her, but you could feel her. But, but I could feel that she was in a really bad place. Mm-hmm. And that hurt my heart. Yeah. You are deeply connected to the web you are feeling Oh yeah. All of those things.

Yeah. And I love that because it also has enabled me to have some really, beautiful relationships with people that are similar to me because they, they get me. Yes. We get each other and then we have a mission and a purpose together. That's right. To change the world. Yes. And it's beautiful. It is beautiful.

That's why I was so honored when I was invited because, I love Deedee. Like we, we volunteered together and. I knew immediately that I loved her. And I have, I, I'm like you. I I know I can read people's energy and I know I don't know what they've been through, but like I know when someone has experienced something similar to me.

Mm-hmm. And, and I was so ready to hear her story because. Not everyone wants to hear and sit and pull up and listen to your story. Right? And that's okay. Yeah. But also we need people in our corner that are willing to listen and show up for you. And I. And when people do tell your story, it's such an honor to be able to hold that space and see them and, and again, we all can reinvent ourselves and we all get a second chance as long as we're living.

You get that second and third chance to just wake up and be like, this is who I am today. Yeah. And move forward in that. This is who I am today. And you take your power back and you take back that momentum and you. You walk every day in that this is who I am today. I did that a little bit as a military spouse because we move so often and, and one thing I would always think about is like, okay, what am I leaving in this location and what am I taking forward and like, how am I gonna show up for my myself?

And because even through this tumultuous relationship, I was still trying to be the best me that I could be, of course. And. And now I just have that much more freedom. To really show up and be the best me that I can be. Yeah. And now you feel like that that best version of yourself can actually bloom and blossom and just grow into this Yes.

Beautiful, amazing woman. Yes. 'cause you're, you don't have those boundaries around you anymore. Yes. That were not self-inflicted, that were put on you by someone else. Yes. And you, you sometimes just cater to those boundaries to keep the peace. Not that you welcome them a hundred percent, but it's like, okay, I just have to survive right now.

That's right. And so you, you kind of do things that you typically wouldn't Yeah. Just out of survival. Yep. And then when you can peel all of that away and just be free and. Your true self can just be out there opened. It's scary. A little bit open for everybody, kind of, but at the same time, it's a different kind of scary.

So exciting. It's so exciting. Maybe like, you know, after a certain number of years you can finally settle into it and be like, yes, okay, yeah, this is, this is it. This is, this is how I wanna feel the rest of my life. Yes. I read a book one time, I don't remember what book it was, but the, the nervousness that a musician or artist feels before they go on stage is the same nervousness that we all feel before we do something.

It's just whether you choose to walk through that nervousness and show up or not, and. When you it I say that it's scary to have all this opportunity like that can be overwhelming and some days it is overwhelming. You're like, I have all this opportunity and what am I doing with it? But when we just like focus in, okay, today.

Who can I be? Who am I today? How am I showing up for myself today and how does that impact the world around me? And I think when we get too far ahead of ourselves mm-hmm. Or we get in the past, you know, that's where the anxiety and depression is. Right? Depression is when we're focused on the past, and anxiety is when we're focused on the future.

Yeah. But when we give ourself the gift of presence mm-hmm. The gift of today, then the opportunity and God source that, that's when the blessings really truly show up. Oh, yes. Is because you're here in this moment with the people that have chosen to also be here in this moment. Yeah. Sorry, I'll cut this part.

Oh no, your headphones, Jenny. Okay. Sorry guys. Someone came out, snuck in. Oh. Little Stone A heart. Oh, thank you. You can sit right here. We're we're just finishing up. Sorry. Here. No, you're, you're, you're good. I gonna sit.

She's our next podcast. Oh, nice. This is she Poole. She's a therapist. Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Okay. Sorry. That's okay. I don't remember where we were, but I don't either. Okay. So I wanna ask you, what is one thing that you would, you would say to somebody who's maybe in a re in a relationship that they know they need to get out of?

Like they know like they've done all the things, nothing's getting better. No one's healing, no one's doing anything to try and improve the situation, and they feel very stuck. What would you, what would your biggest piece of advice be for a woman or a man that's in that situation? For anyone in that situation, you have to make the choice.

Nobody can make that choice for you. And as soon as you make that choice and you take that first Indiana Jones, everyone that's seen Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom. Or no last crusade. Sorry. Okay. It's the last crusade where you take the leap of faith. You take that step where it looks like there's no step, and as soon as you take that step.

Then the next step will show itself. And as long as you're trusting your intuition and knowing that there's going to be blessings and angels provided to you, take that first step, but you have to make the choice. Nobody can make that choice for you, right? And and tell you make that choice. The universe is not aligning itself to provide.

And show you until you make that choice. Yeah, you have to take that first leap of faith. That's right. Thank you so much Natalie, and thank you for sharing your story. We really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Thank you for tuning into the Irene Podcast. Have a beautiful, blessed day.