"Broken to Brave: When God Rebuilds Your Life- (Part 2 When Grief Comes in Waves)"

In Part 2 of this deeply personal Spirit Sisters series, Jenn continues her testimony—sharing what it’s like when grief doesn’t come just once… but in waves.

After the loss of her father, Jenn found herself facing even more heartbreak—the passing of her brother, her best friend’s mom, and her youngest daughter’s dearest friend. In a season that felt overwhelming and unrelenting, she had to wrestle with questions, pain, and the weight of it all.

But even there… God was present.

Clinging to the promise of Isaiah 61:3 & Isaiah 42:3, Jenn began to see that God doesn’t just meet us in our grief—He gently transforms it. He brings beauty from ashes, strength in the middle of sorrow, and healing in places we thought would always be broken.

This episode is for the one walking through layered grief… the one wondering how much more they can carry… the one searching for hope in the middle of heartbreak.

 In this episode:

• Navigating compounded loss and emotional exhaustion
• Trusting God when grief feels unrelenting
• Holding onto faith in the middle of heartbreak
• Allowing God to rebuild what feels shattered

 Scripture Focus: Isaiah 42:3

If you haven’t listened to Part 1, we encourage you to start there—this story unfolds in a powerful and meaningful way.

No matter how heavy your heart feels, this is your reminder:

God is still with you… and He is still rebuilding your life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Welcome back to the Spirit Sister Podcast, and we are so grateful that you're here with us today. As always, whether you're in the car, whether you're floating laundry, or just need to have a moment of encouragement, we truly believe that God brings you where you need to be. And I think you're here for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

So welcome back.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

This is part two of our episode from Broken to Brave when God rebuilds your life. And we're anchoring this as previously stated in Isaiah 63, 61.3. And Isaiah 43, 2, we're turning her ashes into beauty. And we're turning her brokenness into boldness and her fear into faith.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Yes. So Isaiah 61.3, he has sent me to comfort all who mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, and praise for despair. Ladies, you are not forgotten, you are not damaged goods, and you are not behind. So where are we at? November. I get a call from I think it's my aunt first. And she proceeds to tell me that my brother is not doing well. He doesn't look good. Mom's called her to tell her that he's been in the hospital, in and out. Um, she goes, I don't really understand everything. I don't really know. Actually, let me back up because we were in Virginia at a wedding when this happened. Alice and I had a wedding to attend. And we were there when I got the call. And I'm like, she's not making any sense. I have no idea what's going on. So I called Stuart and was like, hey, you know, I just can't just call me something about calling me on the spot. I have no idea what's going on. He's like, okay, like she just called me, want to call her back, yada yada. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna like he's like, go to the wedding, we'll talk later, I'll figure out what's going on. Not to brush it off, but this wasn't like I was like, I'm not gonna freak out because I'm like, well, let's see the hospital. Right. I'm not gonna again what I said before, don't think the worst until you're presented, like right. So we go, whatever, and Addison and I wake up in the middle of the night and we both just wait. Like, I go, I get up, I use the bathroom, I come back, she's like, You're awake, and I'm like, Oh, you're awake too. I was like, I was trying to be really quiet. She's like, Yeah. I said, I think we need to go. And she goes, Yeah, I have a really bad feeling. And I'm like, Yeah, me too. Go back to home. Yeah. I'm like, something's off. So we were already going to leave that next day, but we weren't leaving this early in the morning. Right. So we had planned on going breakfast, drive back, or a few hours from home. So we're like, okay, whatever. So, but I just something was holy spirit was like, I'm like, okay. So text her and I was like, all right, we're gonna go ahead and go. We're we're gonna stop by Duncan. That's the only place that's open at this time. We're gonna get a coffee. Thank you, God for being open. Because we're gonna need caffeine, because none of slept, and right, I don't feel good. Right, like there's sunsturing. And so we're driving these backcountry roads home, and there's this little rainbow in the sky. Now, at the time I don't say anything to Addison, but I'm looking at it as I'm driving, and I'm like, I feel my brother. I feel my brother. And I'm like, this isn't good. So I talk to Stuart and he's like, Yeah, Kyle's in the hospital. I don't know the whole information. There's not a lot. Like, I don't know. So we drive the four hours, four and a half hours, whatever, home, get in. And uh he's on FaceTime with Bryce. I walk in, I'm like, any updates? And he's like, mm-hmm. And I'm like, all right, well, what's the update? He's like, um, and I'm like, oh my God, just what is it? What's going on? Like, you're yeah, like I'm like, you know, just talk to me. And he's like doing like this motion, like, come here and takes me in the office because gives the phone to Addison to face, like, talk to Bryce. And I'm like, what? He goes, Patty just called a little while ago. They've put your brother on like medicating just coma. What? I'm sorry, what do you mean? And he's like, Yeah. I'm like, I literally have the scalp face like what happened? Like, I don't understand. So it was Kyle Kyle sick, Kyle was before Kyle. God love him. God love him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

And obviously you only share him with however much you're comfortable with.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Kyle took a different path than I did. Okay. A path that would take him to a very dark, dark place. Not even a year prior. Okay. I got a call when we were. I don't even know what we were doing, to be honest. I think we were coming back from old mess, probably. I was stopped somewhere in Alabama and gotten a call from my cousin saying that Kyle had been in the hospital. It didn't look good. It would they were thinking it was a blood disorder, and they weren't sure how long he had to live. I think that was in February, the year before. And was like, what? What are you talking about? So yeah, because we were at Buckies. I immediately watched out, you know, call saying I was like, hey, I'm gonna have to like I don't know what's going on, but I gotta go. Like so do you? And he's like, no, no, go. You do whatever you gotta do. Like so my mind went, I gotta get back to North Carolina, I gotta pack, like I need to hit and hit Florida. Bryce calls at the time, Stuart's telling what's going on. Then he calls through the car. Because he called on his phone, my phone was attached. And he was like, How far are you? Are you in Alabama? And I'm like, wait, what? He's like, I'm I'm gonna meet you, mom. Like, you don't need to deal with this by yourself. I'll I'm gonna come with you. Of course, Addison's already in the background going, Yeah, I'm phone too. I'm going too. And I'm like, Well, guys, it's okay, you know. No, no, no, no, no. You're you're gonna be seeing me, mom, and Gramppy. And those that don't know, I don't have a relationship with my mom. I haven't for I think 13 years. So they were immediately like, no, no, no, we're coming, we're gonna be there for you. And I'm like, I'm not, yes, I'm in Alabama, but I'm in Alabama on the way back to North Carolina because I need to get clothes, I need to get stuff in order, then hit to Florida. And he's like, Okay, okay, okay. He's like, I thought I would just I would just meet you. And and I'm like, no, no, no, it's fine. So very fast, very quick. Let me just explain this part. So we find out, we get, we, we meet Bryce and Jax, he comes with us, we hit the hospital as soon as I walked in, Kayla.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

As soon as I walked in, I said, he's got eight.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Now you didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Nope. You hadn't talked to a doctor yet. Nope. Nothing. Nothing. Nope. Haven't the thing with my brother was the life he was leading all over the place, whatever. I would randomly get messages right from random numbers. I thought this was his number. Like, just that's a whole nother no that's that's a whole nother one in context. Yes, that is the context is I I tried many, many times. Yeah, many times. But as soon as I walked through the hospital door and I saw him, I knew exactly what it was. Okay. I'm like, this is not, this is this. Okay. And of course, my mom and my dad were sitting there. My parents are divorced, and she just was obviously very happy to see the kids. And my dad was sitting there looking at me, and I'm like, okay. And um, they're like, let's give them some time with him. Bryce was very adamant about bringing a Bible. I want to give Unki Kyle the Bible, and I'm like, absolutely. If that's what God is telling me to do, you do it. So Addison also knew. Now I remember when you and I were talking that she had woken you up, right? She no, she knew when she walked through the door that he was what he had been dealing with too, because of the movie Queen. Bethany Arahs. Oh, yeah, about Queen. About Queen. Yeah. Yes. Oh, sorry. It's about human rhapsody about Queen and she's story.

SPEAKER_03 10:17

She, you know, she just put the pieces together.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

She put the pieces together because of what he looked like. Okay. I mean, I knew. I mean, we knew. Yeah. We had to be dressed down, we couldn't like, yeah, I mean, to the full dammit. So that diagnosis came. And we knew. Okay. So now we're in November.

SPEAKER_03 10:41

So fast forward to November, we're in the hospital.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Mm-hmm. I'm making calls while I'm at the house, trying to figure out what's going on, calling my mom, calling his girlfriend, trying to figure out what's going on. Which is a lot for you to deal with.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

Yes. With a strange mother.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Yes. That's right.

SPEAKER_03 11:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

And still have to calling my best friends in Florida to figure out, let them know there's a good chance I'm coming. That Monday we had an event that we had to be at. Megan, his girlfriend sent me all the paperwork from the hospital. So I was reading it all the way to the event. Tuesday, I think I went to school, but I left early because I got a call from my mom saying the nurses said you need to come and you need to come now. And she's starting to cry and saying that we're not sure how long he's got. This may be it. So I called, I were saying, I mean, I'm very, very blessed to work into a school that I do with the family that I work alongside. Yeah. They're not my coworkers, they're family. Yes, they are. And they took care of everything. I called Stuart. He called the vet because we had to get something done for the dog to get her to go to the kennel that they needed because yada, whatever. We we we have somebody that comes in and watches her to stay with her because she's old and we like her to be at home. But in this timing, we did not have that. Yeah. I had nobody to come stay with her. So I had to make arrangements. And we get to my best friend's Kayla's. We stay there, make arrangements. I pick up my aunt, I pick up my mom, we get to the hospital. And again, I am carried with armor and strength. He was not in the hospital room yet. That my mom had told me that they they were taking him down. They had an MRI, and Megan was waiting for us. We got upstairs, we walk in. I'm by the window, the hospital window, to give you a visual. Sara is sitting on one side. My mom is just on the adjacent side of him. My aunt is sitting in the chair. Megan is sitting in the chair closest to the door, and they wheel my brother's bed in. And he is not here.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

He has the tube down in. He's crippled looking.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

Shaking. They were giving him some morphine to help with the pain. I knew his levels because Megan had sent them to me. Those that don't know, I'm not familiar with this god-awful disease that happened. Yeah. It was drug use that did it for my brother. I'm sure it was a share of a needle that did it for him. Levels need to be 230 and above. His was at 9%. Yeah. So they wheel him in, they get him all hooked back up. The nurse asks for us to leave so she can get him all cleaned and done and dressed and IVs and all of that. My mom looks at me, you know, I'm like, it's okay. I have not cried. I have not shed a tear.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

So what are you feeling in this moment?

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Adrenaline.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Just I gotta know. We we we gotta.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

Um I am in big sister mode.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Adrenaline. What do I need to do? Gotcha. Give me the rundown. What is happening? Where are we? Yes. I am like, give me so all the way down, we prayed that my mom would give me the medical rights to take care of stuff. Yeah. Because whether I'm estranged for my mother or not, a mother cannot and should not ever have to deal with that. Right. No matter what, no matter what the situation is, right? Correct. A parent should never have to deal with that. Right. Get an executor, get somebody to take care of it, because you cannot, in your right mindset, make a decision. I we asked for the path, we asked for, you know, a preacher, pastor, whoever, like people to come in and pray. They they came in, asked for that. I was like, absolutely. I brought my anointing oil. I knew I would anoint him and I would pray for his salvation. That was what I was going to do. And and to see what the circumstance was. Like, because you're hearing part of it, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Like you don't know what's going on. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

So I get to the side of his bed and I grab a hold of his shoulder. So I am on his left side. Okay. He's facing me, turn to the left side. And I look at him and I'm like, Sissy's here. I got you. I got you.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

And you know when you're in a court with God, yeah, we're here, being still here.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

Tears come out in his eyes.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

I got you.

unknown 17:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

So I get the oil team oil out. I think I feel like at this point I might have been in the room by myself for a little bit. I think they left to allow me some time with him. Okay. I bless him. I anoint him. I think at one point we had another patter come in and he asked if he could invite him, and I was like, absolutely. Another one came in. And somewhere in between this, we do end up going to the cafeteria to try to eat a little something. Gotta have a break. Gotta have a break. Right. And and we were waiting. I think it was also because this one was the hardest one. So everything is like dissected differently.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

It's different when it's your sibling. So memories are a little. But I know I know we were waiting for like for somebody to come or something. They were coming to give us an update. And I think we went down the cafeteria to try to eat something, and I was trying to get everybody to eat. I honestly don't know if I even ate. I think I might have had a couple of bites of like chips or something, but I don't think I really ate. We went back up to the room, and the doctors were coming out, and we caught them. We just like so we caught them in the hallway and they came back. So they were coming in to talk, and then another one came in and asked for my mom and said, Can you come with us? And so we sat and were with him, you know. Megan sat with him. We were just all in there, and the next thing I know the doctor comes down. Says, Are you Jennifer? I said yes. She goes, You're the sister? Yes. Is this your husband? I said yes, Stuart.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

She said, The two of you need to follow me. We walked down what seemed like the longest hallway of my life.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

I thought it was never gonna end. Felt like I was in Allison and Wonderland just walking down a tunnel.

SPEAKER_03 19:54

You know, like a tunnel ending, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:57

Because I knew where I was going.

SPEAKER_03 19:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

I knew what's going through your mind. I'm going down this hallway into a room where they're going to tell me that I'm gonna have to make a decision.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

And so what are you what what are you are you are you even thinking? Are you just numb and walking?

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Yes, numb, walking.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

One foot in front of other adrenaline.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

I still haven't cried.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

I have not shed a tear. Okay, I am in sister mode doing what I gotta do, taking care of everybody, taking care of Megan. Because Megan called me and she's like, Your dad's not here to do this, like he's not here, he's not here. You're the next one, you're the strong one, you're just like your dad, you're the strong one, you know. And I'm like, it's fine, it's fine. So when I showed up, she called out. Yeah, oh thank God, thank God you're here. You're gonna be here to save the day. When you see somebody like that, there's no way. No, no. So we sit at this table. My mom is to the right of me, Stuart's to the left of me, two of the physicians are sitting across. And they look at me, my mom's wiping her tears. So they've already told her, and they're like, Do you know your brother's situation and diagnosis? Yes, I do. So you know, do you know his levels? And I said, Yes, I do. My mom looked like what? I said, I I've read all the paperwork. You can speak layman's terms to me, just spell it. They're like, Well, there's nothing more we can do. His levels are should be here. If he had been taking the medication like he should be, maybe, but his levels are here. At this point, comfort that this is what's keeping him alive. He is not with us. I said, okay. I said, so what you're asking me to do is to sign the release to take him off. Okay. And they said yes. So they said, wait, take your time. We can call hospice in. We feel like and I said, okay. I said, that's fine, call hospice. I said, I need a moment. I need to go down and tell his problem. I'll leave that. Before I did that, my mother did look at them and say, This is hard because I don't think you understand that they just lost their dad a couple months ago. And here I am losing my brother. Yeah. Yeah. What? Why? My dad and my brother all at the same time. I walk down the hallway, I tell Megan she collapses. No, no, no. Why, why, why? And I have to explain to her. I have to try to explain to her. So everything shifts at that moment. When, for those that may have never experienced this, when someone is essentially passing, hospital and hospice literally they come together, yeah, but everything changes, and you are allowed to do whatever you want. Yeah. They brought in a coffee cart, they brought in a snack cart. They're like, what do you need? You stay as long as you want. Visitor hours don't pertain to you. Right. Because you are now with your loved one who lives, watching them die.

SPEAKER_05 23:59

Yeah.

unknown 24:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Waiting for them to take their last breath. Just providing comfort however they can. They removed the tube. I did not stay in the room for that. I actually ran down the hallway and got sick in the bathroom. I was in the lobby. There was people in there. Of course, they had no idea what I was walking through.

unknown 24:28

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

But they just looked like they wanted to give you a hug and just try to make it better. And a sewing pie came out. And they removed the tube so we'd go back into a room. Oh, I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't stand the smell. I couldn't stand to watch him. I couldn't do it. No. I didn't want that at this point. Have you signed? Yes. I'm sorry. Yeah. Hospice came in. Mom was like, she'll take care of everything. I again, I have not. I released some when I made the decision verbally to tell them to do so. Okay. And it it takes some time for hospital hospice to switch. Right. And so we were waiting for her to come over. She came in the room. Mom said, she'll take care of it. I said, I'll take care of it, Mom. I can do this. And she's like, please. Like she and the girl goes, so you're giving over rights to your and I said, I'm a sister. She said, okay. So again, Sue is beside me the entire time. And I'm like, I'm shaking, like trying to just sign my name on this and understanding what she's saying. And I'm like, it's it's going in here, but out one another. And I'm like, okay, yeah, I've got it. Signing this piece of paper, signing this piece of paper.

SPEAKER_03 26:01

Of life.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Yeah. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:11

But while I was praying over him, and while I knew it was the right decision, right, was I could hear so clearly God say it's okay. I've got him. It's okay. I've got him. Yeah. There's nothing more you can do.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

I gotta take over.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

So when we walk down that god awful hallway and into that god-awful room with those poor people that have to give that news, God bless them for that job. Yeah, to look at you and say, I was like, it's okay.

SPEAKER_04 26:55

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

You can do it. Because I know it's okay. Yeah. Yeah. I took everybody back home. We went back to Kayla's. Probably 5530. And I'm like, something's alright. And I look at my phone, there's nothing. There's no phone call. And I'm like, he's gone. I was like, I don't do you get a call? I'm like, no. He's like, well then probably it's okay. I'm like, he's gone.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

I did not get a call like I was supposed to. Eight o'clock rolls around. There's no call.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

8 30 rolls around. My mom calls me. And I'm like, how did she get the call first? Like, I should have gotten a call first, so then I could have called her running to tell her, not hear it from they dropped the ball on that one. So we are now trying to figure out what happened, what's going on. Sarah's calling hospital, I'm calling hospice, trying to do all I finally get the person to confirm that he did pass. Seven hours after. We pulled two. So now what do you do? You make the funeral arrangement. Yeah. Do you make and goodbye and see the funeral home? You sit in a room. God love them. And that director. Because once again, I thought, God, how am I gonna do this? I didn't have to do that for my dad. My cousin did it for us because she didn't want us to do it. But now I have to. It's my brother.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Yeah. Like I have to go ahead and do that.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Don't forget Isaiah 43, too. I'm carrying you. I've got you. Yeah. We look into the funeral home. I think I had already made a phone call to them. Stuart had. When hospice gave us the folder, yeah. Again, like this is like something that you sign, you do, you hear, but I have no memory of it. Right. Like I really don't. Like Stuart was like, I was, I don't even think I had my reading glasses. I was like, what is this thing? Yes, this is it. Okay, yes. I'm like, sign here? Yes, okay, sign here. Like, you know, things are happening so fast, and your adrenaline is going so hard. And all I'm thinking of is like my family, my brother, like Megan, his poor girlfriend, like, oh my god, my kids, you know, everything, all of the above. And I think he called because they gave us a list of multiple. And I end up calling my best friend Sarah too. And my mom had said something about a certain one that was good. And so the hospital, they were great. So he had called an arm to light done the pre arrangement in a way, like the conversation. Like, hey, this is where we're at. This is what's happening. Okay. And they were like, we have an appointment the next day at like 10. So I want to say that's what happened. And we went in, had the appointment. And the director looked and he was like, We've we gotta go through this. And they there's like this screen, and I'm looking above his head on the wall, and he's putting in the paperwork, and I'm like reading it and telling him, you know, name, date of birth, place of birth, yada yada yada. I remember sitting there just like, is this really happening? Like, am I sitting in a funeral hall?

unknown 31:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:59

Planning my brother's what? How is this possible? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:13

And honestly, my biggest thing would be. Keep in mind, like, whatever it is that you're doing, there, oh, there's no, there's no pavement plan. Like, you pay everything right then and there. So we took her of all of that, did everything. And I are, I think I looked at him and said, Will I be able to see my brother? And he said, Yes, once we get him here, they haven't released him yet, but once we get him here, and then the girl walked in and they'd given the dopes and they had just released him. Like, when he comes here, we will call you back. We'll get we'll get him taken care of. And um we'll do it. How about we do it tomorrow? And I said, Okay, that's fine. That works. We weren't gonna do a service, we're not doing a big funeral. Like, that's not my brother. Yeah, that's not what he was gonna want. Again, I wish I could remember the name of this funeral. They were so good. Again, like a calling. And he looked at me, and when we were doing, he goes, I am so sorry. He goes, My heart goes out to you. He said, He's so young. So young. And he said, I just I said, I don't know how you do it. I he goes, young people like your brother and kids is what's really hard for us. Yeah. So we go the next day. They basically have a private service set for us. Seathing, candles, all the stuff, arrangements. Like I didn't, I mean, they just they were just great. They were just great. And she came in and she said, I mean, and she was dressed, but very, you know, and and welcomed me into the into us, and she said, you take as long as you need.

SPEAKER_05 35:05

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

I honestly don't know how long I sat there. I thought it was just for a few minutes, but Cyril was like, no, we've been here for a while. I didn't feel like it. It felt like such a short time.

SPEAKER_03 35:26

Yeah, time moves differently.

SPEAKER_01 35:28

Yeah, it really does. Like you're right, it really does. Yeah. Um the CM way there. That was the hardest thing. I thought that the paper would be the hardest thing. Essentially.

SPEAKER_03 35:58

That was probably easy compared to this.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Yeah. Looking at your baby brother who's no longer here.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

Lord Jesus, get me through this. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

They told me it would be a few weeks for his ashes to come. We had made the arrangements. I had already made the arrangements that I was taking care of everything for Megan, and I didn't want her to have to deal with that.

SPEAKER_05 36:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

I took care of it for my mom. Didn't want her to have to deal with that. The poor mailman. And it clearly, if anybody has ever had to do this, it clearly, clearly says what it is on the box.

SPEAKER_02 36:56

Oh. He brought the box to me.

SPEAKER_01 37:02

And he stopped. Because I knew right away what it was. And I just kind of teared up, but didn't like lose it, obviously. And he just he teared up and he goes, I'm just so sorry for your loss. Um I pray for you. Oh the mailman. Yeah. And not our normal man. Like it was somebody the mailman. And I'm like, oh God, you know, like. And Addison and her boyfriend at the time were coming up. Like they were driving in, and I'm carrying this box. And it clearly states what it is. Yeah. That it is like ashes. Like it clearly states. So I mean, it's like, gosh, like, you know, I'm probably crazy for the people that have to handle these boxes, you know. And um, so we take care of all of that. We did, you know, basically, my mom, Megan, myself, like whatever. My cousin had called, and she's like, whatever you want to do, if you want to do like something small, if you want to do something there, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, that's not Kyle. Like, that's not what we're gonna do. That one was the hardest to get through, the hardest one to breathe after, the hardest one to walk through.

SPEAKER_03 38:28

Because I remember this one the most.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:32

Because there was a shell for a while.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Because it was so hard. Yeah, it's different. It is. It's my baby brother, right? Like, what that's not supposed to happen, right? And right after my dad.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

And there was accumulation, you know, it just kept one hit just kept coming. But you also, you know, you like you said, you were going from joy, grief, happiness, yeah, grief, yeah, joy, grief, yeah, happiness, because you're still showing up every Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 39:05

Yeah, yeah. And you're still starving. Yeah. And you're still doing life groups, and you're still doing latent groups. Yeah. And you're still being a mall. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Yeah. Still, still doing all of it. Still doing all of it. And and then the verse that carried me through, Isaiah 43, 2. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. You carry me through everything. You know, when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flames scorch you. I was not in it alone. You were not at any moment. I had community, but I hadn't I had God. That was real. And that was the same grace.

SPEAKER_03 39:48

That was who you hated.

SPEAKER_01 39:49

For sure. And then came the call from Sarah, my best friend. She called to let me know that Mama Kate, what we called her, wasn't doing well. She had already been a breast cancer survivor and it was back. Um, essentially at the room care. And she called me in January, I think it was probably 23rd or something, to tell me that Navicate had passed.

SPEAKER_03 40:36

And this was a mom to you.

SPEAKER_01 40:38

This was a second mom. This was like our families were very close, brought together, did everything. I mean, like my kids, you know, she bought them their first. We have this little place in our hometown. It was called Olga's. It was a baking. They made the best breadsticks with god-awful, like lots of sugar, horrible for you, another great sauce. Like, oh my god, they're so good, so good. She got them their first one to try when we came home on time to visit. And we have those pictures, like all of this. Like this woman, literally, like she held my wedding dress up for me. Like she did, like when I had to go to the bathroom during my wedding, like she just was there for everything, all milestones every time I competed. Like, she bought the flowers for my for my wedding. Like, she just was an amazing, an amazing, amazing woman. Literally lived lived life with us kids. Take our flip-flop off, and you know, basically like, yeah, don't make me competitive, you know. And so my heart goes, you know, my heart breaks because they lost their dad many years ago. And now they've got you know their mom. And so here I am again going, oh my god, are you kidding me? Okay, all right, we can do this again. Pack up, we're gonna go. We have a service, first part of February, I believe. We had a plan trip to Florida a couple weeks later, and you know, do our service there for her, there for Sarah, Chris, Charlie. Just wild. We we do have a lot of laughs again, Irish thing of all of us getting together and yeah, tell the stories of all of us growing up and laughing, and I'm like, man, you know, she's sitting here just laughing at us all being together. I'm loving every moment exactly. Loving every moment of us sitting here laughing together and being together. A couple weeks later, we head to Florida. We're going to Disney with my best friend Kayla and her husband and the girls, and we have a big trip. We're going down to see Campbell compete. And we're like, we're gonna take a couple extra days, we're gonna do Disney.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

Monday, February 17th. We're at dinner.

SPEAKER_01 43:09

You're living your best life, right? You're with your best friends, you're doing joking.

SPEAKER_03 43:14

You're you're doing walk through this grief and you finally feel like you can like breathe probably for the first time.

SPEAKER_01 43:22

Breathe.

SPEAKER_03 43:23

But that sounds the enemy plan. I get to call.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

Because nobody saw this coming. Nobody prepares you for that. And I was like, I don't understand, you've got the wrong thing. Like when this phone call came, I was just, no, that's no. What'd you hear that? Like, I just was like, this is not. Like you can't you can't be right. Like you're get you've got the wrong person. Cadence had gotten killed in a car accident just earlier than that day before.

SPEAKER_02 44:24

And this is one of Addison's dearest friends. Bryson McKenna had never dealt with those.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

And you don't know.

SPEAKER_03 44:41

I can even imagine. Yeah, as a parent.

SPEAKER_01 44:43

As a parent. How do you so they're like, it's on social media, and I'm like, what? So I go immediately, and God love Matt and Lisa, because obviously there's too many people that you're gonna call. So why would we get a phone call from them when they're obviously dealing with what they're dealing with? And they may not even be calling.

SPEAKER_00 45:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

And I see it. And it was in the middle of the day that the accident had happened. So this is dinner time. When we find out I look at Sarah, I'm like, I gotta get up. I gotta get up from like I gotta get out because we were stuck in like a booth dinner thing that we were having, like you know, sitting on a table. And I was with the girls, and they just like look at me and I'm like, I need to go. Like, I'm I'm I'm starting to cry because I'm thinking, oh my god, this can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be happening. Like, what? Like, you can't wrap your brain around this. Like, this is this is like basically my daughter. Like, this is like and then then it hit when I thought that. Oh my god, I've got to call Addison. Because if this is on social media already, how am I gonna keep her from seeing this and finding out that way? Right. So I immediately call her boyfriend, he doesn't answer. And Stuart comes out, the receptionist brings me a chair because obviously I'm hysterical. Like I'm hysterical. And Chad and Kayla have no idea what's going on at this moment. Yeah. Stuart goes back to tell them. They're just like, what? So they're like, we need the bill, like let's check, like, we gotta go. And I'm literally sitting in a on a far stool in the middle outside of the restaurant and at this convention center. And we call Addison. I call her. And I'm like, I'll tell her. And I said, Are you are you alone? She's like, gosh, you guys have been blown out my phone. I was in the shower. I just got out. What's going on? I was like, are you by yourself? She's like, no, no, no, not here with me. She's like, mom, what's wrong? What's wrong? I said, honey, you need to sit down. Mom, just tell me what's wrong, what's wrong? Because she could hear it in my voice. Yeah. How do you tell your daughter that one of her dearest friends is no longer with us? It doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

I don't know. I'd never have to find out.

SPEAKER_01 47:38

So I tell her, my god, isn't honey? It's cadence. What about cadence? Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. She was killed with hearts at it earlier. No, no, no, no. She just started crying. No, mommy, no, mommy, no mommy. No, no, I cadet, no, I can't. And I can hear her voice every time. Clear as day like it was yesterday. Screaming back at me. Yeah. And then her boyfriend called and she was like, I'm on my way. I'm on my way to go get her. And then she just she just drops. We go back in. We gather ourselves. I'm making phone calls. Try to get a hold of Lisa, which obviously, you know, she's not gonna return my call. Right. Send her a message, you know, what do you say? What do you say? You know, like I mean, I went through, you know, it's it's basically like grief share, you know, somewhere that you can go and like talk and do and and figure out. And and and and you give so much grace because people immediately like, I'm so sorry, but it's like it's not your fault. Like there's nothing for you to be sorry about. Right. But that's just the initial immediate human reaction that people have. And what do you say? What do you say?

SPEAKER_03 49:21

What do you say?

SPEAKER_01 49:22

18, just turned 18 in December, graduating in May, gonna go to Mississippi State, our arrival, you know, like we had we had all these things planned. We were seeing each other in in July, like the girls getting together, like you're just wrapping your head and going, This cannot be happening. Like, I am living an altered life. Like, what is going on, God? This is why you do this, you know, and I'm like, but I never asked them because I knew it wasn't him. God doesn't do that, right? Right, God didn't do this, right?

unknown 49:55

Teresa.

SPEAKER_01 49:57

Yeah, I never asked why. Because we don't know what our plans are, we don't know what God's plan is for us, right?

unknown 50:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 50:08

We have no idea, right? I didn't blame God for this. Addison didn't blame God for this, which is a testament, but sure, did we sit and go? What the heck? What is going on? Why? Why would you take this beautiful soul? These girls, Addison and Cadence, and Cadence's best, best friend, Char. And and Char and Cadence lived like in that, like they were together all the time. But when Addison and Cadence were together, it was like two bees in a pot and two blondes together, like literally parallel lives, servants to others, like their platforms, the things they were doing in their life. She had Kada's promise from her growing up, her lifestyle, what had happened to her. That's kind of a different story. Um, yeah. It's not from her stepmom and dad, like this is, you know, yeah. Lisa adopted her. She, which a lot of you will find and see that Cadist promises we give teddy bears for children from abused families or abuse situations in child at case centers.

SPEAKER_05 51:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

And Addison has her connected kindness, so she's wrapped around it this way because that essentially they coincide sometimes together with kids that are abused or whatever, and there's bullying. And yeah, so you know these girls get together, and that's like they've never been apart. Right. And so just this one just was so just unbelievably like heartache, hurt. Just hurt a different way, just a different way, just a different way. And my heart to to Matt and Lisa, the kids, like her younger brother, her older sister, like you know, you you just you just keep praying for them. And so we get back to the condo and we call Addison, check on her. The kids have taken her out, they're doing just being with her. They got her like some flowers, candy, little bear. And we said, All right, well, we're coming. She's like, I need you here. And I said, We're coming, honey. We are coming. We will be on the road. We're making arrangements, we'll be there. Right. So while I drove, Stuart called the university. He called the people that we knew at the university. We tried to figure out what to do, called them to tell them what was going on. Right. And we did that immediately Monday night, or that that Monday night, yeah, because it was Monday night. We did that immediately Monday when we got back to the condo because we also wanted to be sure that the RA, yeah, RA was there for her, like something, like you know, so that the change of command would be. And so they were like, We've got their noticed, they're coming to check on her. They're gonna be like basically on watch. And you know, I'm very thankful too that she attends a Christian university. So there was a lot of loving, giving, praying over her. And so, yeah, so here we are. We pick her up Tuesday from school, she comes home for a week, we take her back, we find out when the service is, and we go to the service. Can you imagine? Can't even imagine. No, Lisa wanted us up front in the front row with family. Originally, she wanted us to walk out with family, and then that changed because I thought, dear God, I said, Oh my god, I don't know if that's a good idea. Like, Addison is not taking this well, like I don't, you know, and we now keep in mind we never physically talked. This was texting because this poor woman, I'm sure, could not talk to me because I couldn't talk to her. Like I know if I could physically talk to her, we would both lose it on the phone. Right. And like, but she is also she's also like me, where we are very strong women, right? And adrenaline takes over, right? So you're just you're doing, doing, doing, doing. You've got you're appointing people like she had people in the community that were doing, and you know, and wanted to do it right. Like this is a celebration of her daughter's life, her legacy, what what she was doing, what she was going to leave behind. Right. And what her dearest friends were gonna continue for.

SPEAKER_02 55:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 55:18

So that was our fourth loss in nine months. Tough, tough road.

SPEAKER_01 55:29

So dad, my brother, Mama Kate. And a beautiful angel that gave her heads away too early.

SPEAKER_00 55:44

Grief is never easy no matter the age, no matter what kind of life they've lived, but grief is grief is never easy, and loss is never easy.

SPEAKER_01 55:56

And no, and um, we didn't know until the servants. We, you know, we always joked with the girls and their quirkiness and how they were, but we never knew their lives in the pageant world. These girls not knowing each other at the age wore the exact same color dress for their first pageant and got the exact same award. Like, oh it's you know, yeah, they met at a national competition, we're in line together, and they just bonded. Yeah, just bonded. And we continue on, we continue to and you you keep trusting and you keep going back to him and saying, I'm I'm hurting, but I know you're here.

SPEAKER_03 56:48

I'm hurt, I'm I'm sad today, but uh, I know you've got me. And rebuilding doesn't happen overnight.

SPEAKER_01 56:57

No, and like I said, you I was broken I I broke, like yeah, God broke me down to rebuild me to tell me what I am to continue to do, right? And to be a plat and to use it for your platform, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 57:20

Yeah, yeah. You have to it's messy, it's it's unconventional, but it's also a chance to learn how to trust him again in a different way, yeah, than than you had before.

SPEAKER_01 57:36

Yeah, yeah, learning how to pray. Yeah. You know, Isaiah 43, too, kind of broken down a little bit, is that you know, when it talks about the waters and the river and not to overfloat you, it symbolizes that God being with you during overwhelming or chaotic times, troubles will not completely drown you. Exactly. You know, when you walk through the fire and shall not be burned, or shall the flame scorch you means that during the most grievous and trying times, God will protect you and will not be destroyed by them. You know, like I literally after Cadence's death came the vision of the podcast. Me being in a fire and God standing there and saying, I brought you through all of this, I carried you through this. Now this is what you're going to do.

SPEAKER_03 58:40

You'd have to be brave to do that, you know, and yeah, yeah, it means you know, you moved, you moved forward when maybe you didn't want to, or it was scary to move forward. Yeah. Or it was how do how how do you expect me to move forward? You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:03

You know, it's it's you know, brokenness, being brave, rebuilding. Trusting God, trusting to be able to do that. You know. I said in my 515 that, you know, he does not waste our pain. No, he doesn't. There's purpose in it, whatever that may be. He builds strength, compassion. And I will say, my faith has never been so deep because of it.

SPEAKER_03 59:44

And faith sometimes looks like God, I don't know what to do, and I don't have the strength to even put my feet on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. So Jen, how do we deal with loss? How do we how do we what do we do?

SPEAKER_01 59:59

I think, I mean, for me personally, had I not had the verse to hold on to, you know, to had I not had my faith, like I mean, honestly, for those that are grieving, grieve. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to go through all the emotions, whether it's, you know, you're crying, whether you're angry, whether you're, you know, whatever it is, like all the emotions, like, you know, but don't isolate yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:34

There are people in your life that want to be there for you. So don't be afraid to do that. Like, I am so thankful that I have like yourself and the ladies and the community to have around me to help and to help Addison through that difficult time. Right. Yeah. You know, like and that's and give yourself grace. And yes, oh my God, yes. Give yourself grace. Seriously, like it's not easy. It's not easy. It's you know, but then again, what else? Like, when is anything really easy that is given to us? That you know, it's like, okay, all right, God, literally hands and knees. I am praying, like you need to take the wheel, like carry on the word song. Jesus, take the wheel, everything tell you what. Like, take the wheel. Um, yeah, I mean, you know, ask him to give you the joy, like, don't carry bitterness, right? Take take it away, rebuke that. Ask him to to give you the peace, the strength, whatever it is that you need. You know, literally, like, I mean, that's what did it for us. That's what did it for me. Yeah, and stay rooted. Yes, always stay rooted in your face, always.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:50

Even even if you're like, I'm reading words on a page. Yes, you're still you're still doing it.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:58

You're getting spiritual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:05

So I know today's episode was was heavy, Jen. Thank you for as always sharing your story being raw and real, and I know it's hard to go back and live relive some of this. So thank you for being brave and strong and using this platform and coming up with this idea. You know, I hate the circumstances, but what a way to to live out your purpose.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:36

To to help others, to literally have people that can reach out to you and say, I know what you walk through and I'm walking through it. I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:46

Yeah, I'm God is just using me as a vessel. Yes, he is. And that's what I'm doing, that's what I'm here for. Yeah, yeah. We thank you today.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:55

We want to thank you, ladies, for sticking with us. We thank you so much for just supporting us. We also want to pray for you if you are dealing with loss, have had loss, have are going through any kind of grief, please reach out to us. We are always available via social media or email. Yes, however, however, you can get a hold of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but um, I think it would be really good if you prayed about us because I think it's there's um, yeah, always, always, ladies.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:32

There's healing and so much and so much. So, Father God, thank you for using this podcast, using Kayla and I for our stories and using us as a vessel to continue to show and share our testimony, the message that you have for all of those that are listening, and those that are in hard spot or grief, loss, or are going through it, or know that you know, with my situation at the time, that I knew that you know, we would have a short time with my dad. It's not easy. We pray for those miracles, we pray for healing, we pray for those that are going through unimaginable grief, that you just carry them, you give them the Isaiah 43, too, that you walk them through and carry them through the waters and in the valleys and through the fire. Yeah, we know that they will not be burned because you are carrying them, Lord, that you are with them, and we just thank you. We thank you for everything that you have done. Um, we thank you for your strength, your wisdom, your peace, your grace that you give us each and every day. And we just we pray for those ladies that will open up and receive you today. Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. So, as we said before, you know, be sure to follow us and share this story with whoever you think may need it. And we just thank you all for listening and being with us. And as always, we love you. And you're still right, isn't it over, throwing us not?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:11

God's still writing it.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:13

That he is, and we will see you next time.