The Summit
We exist to engage young adults at different stages and equip them with the truths of the Bible.
The Summit
Dating, Marriage, And Meaning
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Ever felt the gap between what dating apps promise and what your heart actually needs? We open a live Q&A with a simple anchor: if Jesus designed marriage, then love has to look like his—sacrificial, promise-keeping, and tested over time. From the first question—“Am I ready for marriage?”—we trace a straighter path through the noise: dating as data-gathering for a covenant, not a stage for butterflies and curated vibes.
We wrestle with the consumer mindset that trains us to treat people like options and highlight how option fatigue undermines commitment. Instead of profiles and punchy bios, we look for character under pressure, faith practiced in community, and humility that actually repents. We talk frankly about being “equally yoked,” not as gatekeeping but as alignment with purpose: making disciples together, raising future believers, and saying yes to hard, generous acts that outlast fleeting chemistry.
Singleness gets pride of place. Paul’s words about undivided devotion remind us that a full life is not contingent on a wedding date. We explore how waiting can be preparation, how discontent follows you into marriage if Jesus is not enough, and why purpose-driven living beats timeline anxiety. Then we go straight at lust: marriage won’t fix porn or impulse. Formation will—confession, accountability, and boundaries that train desire toward long-term joy. We call out the “just talking” non-commitment loop, and we drill down on opposite-sex friendship boundaries that protect future covenants without demonizing friendship.
Practical? Absolutely. We share clear red and green flags: sobriety, consistency, teachability, church involvement, and how someone handles stress or celebration. We offer a simple filter—friends don’t let friends date strangers—because community reveals what a profile can’t. If you’re tired of swipes and ready for depth, this conversation points to a better way: promise over feelings, formation over fantasy, and mission over mere compatibility.
If this helped you rethink love and dating, subscribe and share it with a friend. Leave a review with the one idea you’re taking into your next step—we want to hear it.
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Welcome, Purpose, And Prayer
SPEAKER_05What is up, everyone? Man, how are we doing tonight? Can anyone hear me? Few people, let's go. Yeah. If you're in the foyer and you want to start making your way in here tonight, we got plenty of seats. I see some, I mean a lot in the front row. We don't bite, but you can believe what you want. If it's your first time here tonight, welcome sincerely. We're glad y'all are here. If it's your 15th time here tonight, we are also sincerely glad you're here. Welcome to the summit. We're here every Thursday. We're glad you came out. Man, are we enjoying that? It's getting a little warmer. I feel like, yeah, praise God. Right? You know, it is getting bearable out there. Oh man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, we get it. I know, I know you guys are saying what's up to people that you've been missing all week. Y'all are finding seats. Again, there's hey, there are seats in the front on the right and the left. Like, there's a good amount. And then you don't don't be shy too. You can tell someone, like, hey, scoot over, please. I just want to sit next to you, you know?
SPEAKER_00Man.
SPEAKER_05February. Is February an underrated or an overrated month? Man, all these guys in the front said overrated. February is overrated. Why is it overrated? Yeah. Why is it overrated? Valentine's Day ain't all that. Is that what it is? It's a short month. Man.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, of course. Everyone's filing in.
SPEAKER_05There's still some seats toward the front on the right and the left. And hey, if you if you haven't already, maybe you're already all have already done this, but say what's up to the person to your left or right too. If you haven't said hi to them yet. We're pumped to be here.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, maybe yeah. Questions? I do. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Alright. So, hey, we're gonna kick off. Please find your seat. You know, if you're still standing in the back, please come find a seat. Um, and then if yeah, if you're a guy that serves here, if you want to put out some chairs in the back too, that might help. We're gonna put up a QR code. Tonight uh is a special night. We have a live QA tonight. And so you can submit your questions.
SPEAKER_06But it's about dating and marriage and love.
SPEAKER_05February, man. I mean, for y'all who said it was overrated, maybe y'all have some questions that come come along with that opinion.
SPEAKER_06So you can take out your phones, you'll go to the summit's Instagram on our story, you'll see a question box. And the question box says ask all your questions about dating. You can submit them here, they're anonymous, and we're gonna try to get through as many as possible.
SPEAKER_05Oh, yeah. And we don't pretend to have all the answers. We really don't. But as we shared last week, if you were here last week, we kicked off the series, and um we're gonna do our best to answer these from a biblical worldview. And so if you again, if you've never been to the summit tonight, we want to make this super clear up front. Um we're here because of Jesus, and um, he has impacted so many lives of people in this room. I mean, just stick around after summit after after this tonight and get to know some people, ask them their story. You'll probably hear that Jesus is the main character and and lots of them. And um and he he's worthy of everything. He's done everything for us. We're probably gonna talk a good amount about that tonight. Um, but everything that we do now, uh as believers in Jesus, it filters through this lens of loving him and trusting him with the way we live our lives. And that includes how we date, that includes how we think about marriage, that includes how we think about love and relationships. And so that's our heart tonight. Like we might not have all the answers. Um, and if there's something that you felt was a confusing answer from one of us, please like we're we're just people like come come approach us after, and uh, we'd love to chat with you guys further. But uh if you know if you have questions, please submit them uh using this QR code. Um and while you're at it, you can follow the summit on Instagram too. I mean, like if if it's a snow day, you might want to know that so you don't pull up here by yourself. Um sometimes we'll announce if we're canceling or anything like that. But we're basically here every single Thursday, guys. So um so glad that y'all are all here. And um and maybe Andrew, if you'd be game to kick us off with some prayer here before we dive in.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_04Jesus, we can't do anything without you. Or no answer we'd ever give to a question tonight, uh, as wise and clever as it may sound. It's all meaningless without you, God. Unless we have an encounter with the king of the universe, unless we open our hearts to be moved by you, unless we're willing to do something with the data we receive tonight in response to loving you and and wanting to be with you with all that we are, then all this is meaningless. So, God, we we ask that you'd help us to focus on you and the conversation and the questions and the time we spend together before and after this panel, God, that all of this would would help us to see you for who you are, for what you value, for what you care about. And in seeing that, and seeing the way that you devise marriage and dating and relationships to work, we might love you all the more. God, I thank you that you're the kind of God that wants to be with us, that even now, in the middle of our questions, in the middle of our confusion, here you are with us. And so, Lord, you help us to focus on you tonight. Bless our conversation, Lord. I pray that uh use us. Lord, as just as your mouthpiece in these moments to try and uh speak your truth that your spirit would work through us to help us all grow closer to you and Scott, we thank you that you do just that. That's who you are, it's in your DNA. And so would you let us see that closely tonight?
SPEAKER_00We love you in Jesus' name. Amen.
SPEAKER_06Uh, if you are just coming in, just as a reminder, uh, this is a QR code behind us. This is to the summit's Instagram. You could pull out your phones if you haven't already and submit a question about dating, love, marriage, sex, whatever it might be. We're here to talk about it. Um, and yeah, just on our story, just go to the question box, submit questions. We'll look at it all throughout the panel. So we're not just on our phones, we're looking at your questions. They are anonymous, so feel free to send anything. Um, and just continue sending them. If you think of a question after we answer one, we're just gonna try to get through the most that we can. Um, and yeah, maybe while y'all are still submitting questions, we'll just introduce ourselves in case we weren't here last week. Um, so I'm Victoria. This is my husband, Zach. We've been married for uh six years, almost six years. Um, and we have a little baby. She's nine months old. Her name is Haven.
SPEAKER_05Nine months as of today.
SPEAKER_06Yes, today. It's her nine-month birthday.
SPEAKER_05Thank you for the claps. Thank you for the claps. She really, she really appreciates that.
SPEAKER_06Um and last yes, it's her.
SPEAKER_05How do you shout out to the AV team, man? You guys are impressive. I don't know how you got that out there that quickly.
SPEAKER_06She's even in theme for tonight. Oh, it's gone now. But yeah, she is awesome. She just learned to crawl. It's so fun to see where she's going. Um, but yeah, that's a little bit about us. Also, last week we shared just a lot about marriage and the qualities to look for for marriage. And so, yeah, we're gonna dive in. But Andrew, who are you?
SPEAKER_03My name is Andrew.
SPEAKER_04Yes, you may have heard uh someone refer to me as Pac-Man as well as a nickname that I have. Um yeah, I as you reminded me last week, I helped people build catapults.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, shout out.
SPEAKER_04If you were here that's what you know, but I helped them with a senior project in a physics class for catapults when I was a youth pastor way back when. Um, my wife and I, Brandy, have been together for 17 years and married for 13 of those. Jeesh, man, that's next level.
SPEAKER_05We gotta clap for that, guys. Come on.
SPEAKER_04Game recognized. I got you. Um we got two daughters, they're five and eight, and they're gonna be in the Wizard of Oz play tomorrow. So right now for the Wizard of Oz. Yeah, the Wizard. Um, it's wild, it's weird, um, but it's fun. And uh yeah, I love dating. Or actually, I'm doing five weddings this summer, so this is very pertinent to my life right now.
SPEAKER_06And a lot of them met their summit. So that being said, are you ready?
SPEAKER_04Easy now. Somebody's perking up right now. I was looking around.
SPEAKER_06Hey, listen, that's not why you're here, but it might be a perk. So um we're gonna dive right in. Sorry about that. Um, do you guys have a question to start us off with?
SPEAKER_05I might have one.
SPEAKER_01Go for it.
SPEAKER_05This one is is so simple. I'll try not to labor on it too much, but it really is kind of the lens that I hope helps us throughout the rest of tonight. This question is just am I ready for marriage? Um, one, if you're asking that question, shout out to you. That's like a humble thing to ask, you know, to be open to like, how am I supposed to discern that? So many people are just trudging through life and just doing what they feel like doing and just not really um taking the time to ask a question like that. Um and I think the answer to this question is really I'm gonna get I'm gonna go churchy, I'm gonna go spiritual on y'all for a second, but I think it's we live in a spiritual world. Like that, like this stuff is is is everything. And um marriage was created by God. Sex was created by God, which is something that doesn't get talked about enough in church. Like we we tend to think, okay, like you know, sex is this bad
Are You Ready For Marriage?
SPEAKER_05thing that we avoid, but God really designed sex in all in in every way, and he designed the unity of marriage. But really, like marriage is something that God created um at the very beginning, and he's it's a beautiful thing, it's a structure that he set up, and uh he built it to reflect something specific, and that specific thing is his relationship with us. Marriage is not only a symbol, but it also is a symbol of God's relationship with his church. And what I mean by that is that God, in his love, just despite the fact that we have every person in this room is a sinner, we've all you know been selfish in our own ways, we've all made mistakes, we've all done things that we recognize okay, that was that was wrong. Um, and because of our sins, like we don't deserve to have a relationship with God, but he loved us enough to pursue us. So he sends himself down in Jesus, and Jesus takes our place on the cross. We deserve to die for our Jesus dies in our place in sacrificial love. And that sacrificial love is the very essence, is the the most important ingredient to marriage is sacrificial love, a commitment to loving. Even when it's difficult, when the butterflies disappear. And so the biggest way to the best probably way to answer the question, am I ready for marriage, is okay, do you know, do you know the creator of marriage? Do you know have a personal relationship with the creator of marriage? Um and do you understand what it represents? Um if the answer to that question is yes, uh, then you might be well on your way toward toward uh a potentially healthy marriage uh that God designed. But if you don't know Jesus here tonight, like if you if when I say oh shoot, we got the uh someone bumped that. Yeah, it's all good though. If you if you know Jesus or if you don't know Jesus on a personal level, um start there. Start there tonight.
SPEAKER_00Let that be the main thing you take away from tonight. Um all right, I got one.
SPEAKER_06Um what is something you wish you knew before marriage? Um I feel like I might have heard people say this, but I didn't actually like understand it until just being married, especially more than like a couple years. I feel like it's much more practical than maybe you want it to be. I think when you're dating, there's so many emotions and feelings, and uh you feel so connected to this person, and that's so exciting, and there's something that is just like butterflies between you guys, and it's like, oh my goodness, this is the best thing ever. I always want to be with this person. Um, and then when you get into marriage, there's just life is hard. This life is broken, there's struggles in this life. And so, very quickly into marriage, one of you might get sick, very quickly into marriage, one of you might lose your job. Very quickly into marriage, you might be going through something really hard. And all of a sudden, it's not about the butterflies and how you make each other feel, but it's how your partnership is together, how you guys work together as a team, how you guys can encourage each other not to grow weary and doing good, how you can encourage each other just to continue on and loving God and Jesus with your life and um not let the suffering of this world take you out. It's like those moments become really real once you're in marriage a bit more, um, and you just start living life together because life is hard. And so um, yeah, it really is just really practical in a lot of ways. And that's why I think like we just date so wrong, guys. And I think when we say this tonight, I guess I'm asking you if you can just stick with me for a second because the truth is that like we are so brainwashed to think the way that we date is so normal and it's just really not. And like, if even if you look 300 years ago, like not even that long ago, dating wasn't even a thing yet. Like, you got married to somebody that you were arranged with, um, and you didn't meet them till you were engaged, and y'all just made it work, and we still are here today, and so they were attracted to each other. And so I think the idea that like there has to be these butterflies and we have to have enough chemistry and we have to have fun together and all of these things, um, that that's not like the goal of marriage. Is that fun? Yes, is that great if y'all are like best friends and have all the same hobbies? Like, yes, but
Marriage Is Practical, Dating Is Testing
SPEAKER_06it's not the priority, it's not number one, and we are so brainwashed to think that's what it is, or that we play marriage before we're married, and we want to be so close to each other, and we're so mad if they don't get me the most expensive Valentine's Day gift and all of these things. But it's like y'all are testing for marriage. That's what dating is. And so test to see if they would be a good spouse and then get married if they will be, or break up if you don't think you're ready for marriage. Um, but we're just so brainwashed into thinking that like boyfriend, girlfriend is like this entitled role and this role that's like in between singleness and marriage, that's like you get these extra benefits when really it shouldn't look much different than a friendship with someone of the opposite sex until you're married. Um, and that's maybe the hard truth, but um I mean, there's no dating in the Bible, and it's a new thing, and we're getting worse at it. Like, even if you look at the statistics, like people are getting married later than ever in life. Like it's becoming harder to choose someone to marry, less people want to get married. The age that women get married is becoming so late into life that soon if we keep going on this trajectory that we've been on in the last 10 years, in the next few years, the average age that a woman gets married is past her childbearing years. So clearly that's problematic unless you have children outside of marriage. And so, like, we have to kind of go back to the beginning. We gotta like look at this with a fresh perspective and say, okay, what is actually the goal of this life? What's the purpose of this life? What's the purpose of marriage and dating? And kind of strip it back because what culture is telling us, what the world is telling us, is just not working. So yeah.
SPEAKER_04To jump off that, um kind of combining some of your your conversations there, um I think before getting into marriage and before getting into those relationships, you gotta really have a good definition of what love is. I think in our culture as of late, we've defined love in terms of feeling when love is more deeply defined in terms of promises made to one another. Here, let me go back to go for it. Why I think we've defined love as a feeling. We're really good consumers in our culture. And we've learned to consume people. That hey, I'll keep going along for the ride in this relationship as long as it feels good and provides me the emotional needs that I can, and that's that's gonna fade in whatever relationship you have. At some point you're gonna realize, hey, the person I'm talking to is imperfect just like me. And as a result, we're gonna we're gonna mess things up, and that fun, butterfly, exciting, wild feeling is gonna fade. And that's when a deeper definition of love takes effect. That's the promises you make that regardless of what happens in life, we're gonna be here for each other, we're gonna show grace for each other, and continue to walk with each other through all that kind of stuff. And kind of going back to what Zach was saying, why that's really important, because the clearest picture of where you get that is only in Jesus. Despite your sin, despite your messed upness, Jesus still promises to chase after you, provide forgiveness as you reach out to him. And so I think to kind of think real big, real meta-type picture, like, hey, uh, unless I have that as the background, unless that's the operating definition I have in my mind about love, and there's gonna be a moment in any relationship that that's gonna be hard to love without that. And that's gonna be the only way I can love somebody. And so to say, if you're in a season of singleness, asking yourself, Am I ready to be dating? I'll ask you, hey, is your tell me your definition of love and what that looks like. And if it doesn't have Jesus at the center, or if it isn't based upon promises you want to make to someone, I say, hey, maybe you're not ready just yet. Or if you're in a relationship with someone and you're asking the question, hey, what does this look like taking it to the next level? Um I'm gonna say, hey, where's the evidence of y'all being able to love one another the way that Jesus has loved you? And what's the evidence of that? So if you're here and you're dating someone and you're asking yourself, like, hey, I uh we've been doing this because it's been fun. And we like going to Carabas and getting half-price apps. That's the best most highlight part of our relationship. And he pays, so this is great. If that's the basis of it, I'm telling you, it's gonna be really hard. Um and so it's worth taking the time to pause. Hey, what's my operating definition? How did I get there? And what might be a more truer, deeper one that'll get me through the things of life.
SPEAKER_05Are dating apps okay for Christians? If so, which ones? Um got me out here trying to. Trying to get me some endorse some dating apps up here. Um it's a it's a good question. Um I think the culture like the culture of dating apps is is a crazy sort of reality. I mean, you're swiping, I mean, I don't know how these work, right? You swipe right, right? I'm a thousand years old, bro. I don't know. We've been out of the game for a minute. Um but um you're I just just assess it from like kind of a historical standpoint. Like when in any other point of history were you swiping through hundreds of women or men that you're thinking about put as potential candidates. Guys, we're getting like option fatigue. I don't know if you guys like know what I'm talking about, but it's like when the menu at the restaurant has too many pages, it's like I am confused. I don't know what I want.
Redefining Love: Promise Over Feeling
SPEAKER_05I thought I knew what I wanted, and now my head's fuzzy. Oh, there's this, there's that, there's this, there's that. And I think this is leading to some of the statistics that you were just talking about.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like it's an actual thing that the more options we have, the harder it is for us to decide. Like that's what Zach is saying. We all feel that. Yeah, and because of social media, because of things like dating apps and the internet and things, like more than ever before, we might have option fatigue of like, is this person gonna be the best one? Or they don't the people around me in my real life don't physically look the way that I want them to look. And so I have to look online for girls across the world who meet my standards. Um and man, that's just tough because you're missing out maybe on godly women who actually have qualities that like you could be attracted to in their heart. Um and sorry, go ahead.
SPEAKER_05That's it's analysis paralysis kind of. And so we live in this, and it it's it's maybe part of the reason that some people in here haven't maybe decided to date someone because they're like, well, there's this girl on my IG that I've just been like obsessed with for the last two years, and she doesn't even know I exist, but like I'm waiting at I'm waiting for her. It's like, brother, you don't know her. Like it just doesn't this doesn't make any sense. Um, and so I think you could you can assess that from like a historical standpoint. And then here would be the next layer. Um like what do you look like as you're on a dating app, you're judging based off of uh uh how they look, probably their age and their bio, which is like a couple words that they wanted to like share about themselves.
SPEAKER_06Um probably an edited pick. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, that's the T, right? But um there's just this reality, right? Like that you don't really know this person that you're swiping right on, or let I don't know which way it is if you like them. I don't know.
SPEAKER_06But no one wants to tell us either, because they don't want to out themselves.
SPEAKER_05You don't want to out yourself.
SPEAKER_04Somebody out there knows.
SPEAKER_05I guess it probably depends on the app. I think some of you slightly like up and down too, I think. Uh anyways, this is a bad tangent. Point being, like, like um we share this and we we we share this in our like in our community of some close Jesus-loving friends here at this church. We say this friends don't let friends date strangers. And so like I would just like throw that out there. Like, when you're on a dating app or your Instagram's stalking XYZ, you don't really know this person. Might I argue that the most valuable thing if you're testing for marriage, if dating is testing for marriage, and that's something we're gonna keep saying tonight, like that's really what we believe like is a biblical lens on dating. It's like marriage is a beautiful thing to be pursued if you want it. If you want to be married, it's a beautiful thing to chase that. If you love Jesus, then you can do you can pursue marriage. It's a beautiful thing to desire. And dating is simply a means of getting there. Dating is simply, hey, I'm trying to assess if this person is going to make a suitable spouse. Do they love Jesus? Do they do they live like Jesus? Are they gonna be an enjoyable person and a joyful person to do the rest of my life with this person? Um, that's what dating is. And so you're ultimately dating is collecting data. And I know that really doesn't sound super sleek or exciting as like, oh, I'm just in my fields. I love the way they make me feel. You need to figure out hey, is this person gonna make a good spouse? Is this good person gonna make a good mother of my children or father of my children? Like, you're signing up for the rest of your life. Marriage is a covenant that does not end. And so you are you are marrying a person that you're gonna be with 30 years down the line, 50 years down the line. We don't think that way. Like, that's the problem. It's us young adults, we think right now, and that's it. We think, how do they look and how are my friends gonna feel about the way they look? That is the dumbest way to think about dating. That is like you're not setting yourself up for marriage. And so um, yeah, dating apps are kind of uh they're built around kind of like, hey, what do they look like and like so many options? I think you're starting off on a rough foot, to say the least. Um, and maybe that's where I'd lead that.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it's like it's not inherently bad, but you're choosing your problems, and there's going to be a lot of problems to figure out. Um, you really have to be able to be wise and how you weed through and make sure that you're not um only on this app or choosing this person for the way that they look, or that you're not gonna be deceived by this person. And what I mean by that is it's not that that person is purposely deceiving you, but when you like someone, like you put your best foot forward. And so um, that's what Zach meant when he was like, uh, friends don't let friends date strangers. It's like the reason is because your friends and how he treats his friends and his people around him is going to tell us much more about his character than you guys just going out on a date where he gets to like show his best self in front of you. Um, and so it actually goes along with a lot of the questions that I see here. There's a ton of questions about as a Christian, is it okay if I date or marry a non-Christian? Or what do you think about being unequally yoked? Um, and
Dating Apps, Option Fatigue, And Wisdom
SPEAKER_06there's like literally 10 questions. And so uh the reason that people are asking that is because they're quoting First Corinthians um where it says to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. Um, and so yes, is it a godly principle that we should be yoked together or pair together with somebody who loves God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength? Yes. But the quest we have to answer like the why too, I think, because it helps just bring clarity as to like what God's design really is. Because it's not that like God's some God in the sky who's like, this is what I want you to do, this is what I did not want you to do. Um, but everything is so purposeful and everything is for our best. And the reason this world is broken is because of sin, and sin is everything outside of God. And so if we want to be in God's design, that's going to be best for us. Um, and so, yes, there's first Corinthians, but also just all throughout scripture, you see a theme, like literally from beginning to end, of God's people being with God's people to make more of God's people. And so in the Old Testament, the command was be fruitful and multiply. And that was within God's people. So the Jewish people, God's chosen people, would marry each other and have lots of children to make more followers of God in that way, in God's chosen people in the Old Testament. Then Jesus comes, New Testament, and there's a new great command. There's a new commission, and that commission is to go out in all of the world and make disciples. And so to be fruitful and multiply now is still children, sure, but it's also because of Jesus. Now the gospel is accessible to everyone. Anyone and everyone, no matter their background, no matter their childhood, whether they grew up in it or not, whether they're in a country that never heard about Jesus, they have access to this person, Jesus. And so our lives, our commission now is to do those things, to be fruitful and multiplying by making disciples in all of the nations, in every place. And so when we look at the world or we look at our life through that lens, it's simply you're not gonna do that if you marry somebody who doesn't believe in Jesus. Right? Like if you don't marry somebody who loves Jesus with their whole life, y'all aren't coming together and being like, wow, like let's go out and make disciples, or let's raise our children to come and know the Lord and do all this crazy stuff for Jesus. Like, you're gonna miss out on what the commission of your life and the purpose of your life really is. I think as young adults, we're all like, what's my purpose in life? And we want this like big, grandiose purpose. Your purpose is that, first and foremost. Your purpose is to go out and make disciples, and so find somebody who's going to help you do that. And yeah, it's just you're gonna miss out on that, truly. And it's hard, and your marriage is gonna be hard if you marry someone that's not a believer, sure. But more than that, you're just missing out on God's purpose for your life, and that is so satisfying to live in that. Um, and just I'm so grateful that I married somebody who pushes me closer to Jesus, who encourages me on the hardest days, who says yes to like crazy Jesus-sized dreams. And even when I think about like we nine months ago, I showed my daughter, like we adopted her. We adopted her from somebody who was uh instead of having an abortion, decided to choose life. And she decided while she was still pregnant that she would give her baby up for adoption and give her to a family that was able to raise her. And we said, hey, we'll do it. And if I didn't marry somebody who loved Jesus with their life, I don't know if we would have signed up to do that together. Because that's hard. That was a big sacrifice. It's hard to uh raise a child in general, and so uh yeah, it's like you want somebody who's gonna say yes to following Jesus with their life with you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, as you I mean, that's exciting.
SPEAKER_04That's really cool to hear that articulated. I think a lot of people need to hear that reality of like, yo, someone who's gonna say yes to the hard things is what I really need to. So thanks for sharing that. Uh I'll go back because I'm really slow processing and I'll hopefully link it to the second question. Going back to the dating thing. Uh dating app thing. Um so again, when I first met my wife, it was 2009. The dinosaurs were still oh just playing. Right? But no dating apps. I mean, Facebook was three years old at that point. I slid into her aim messenger, which I don't even know, it's an AOL. It's a weird thing. Yeah, it's kind of an old thing. I slid into her MySpace wall. Oh no, I have MySpace. But this reality of um So I think what I'm scared again, I I don't want you to hear me as like the anti-tech, anti-media guy. I need you to hear this, right? Like uh I think I'm scared what happens to my brain and my soul when I start considering humans the same way I consider a pair of jeans on eBay. Like the decision-making process that begins to happen in my brain when I'm looking at people as an item to consume and how they might better my life versus what does it mean to be in a covenant relationship with this person for the rest of our life starts training my brain to look for the wrong thing. Right, because think about it. Your decision when you're on a dating app quickly begins based upon a quick profile picture, if they wrote a catchy enough line and if there's enough things, right? And what's happening in your brain subconsciously is you're making value decisions on this person whether they can complete your life or not. Here's the thing nobody can complete your life. What you begin training yourself to do is expect a fully formed person to show up and not get in the way of your goals, but help you achieve your goals. And then when they find out you're not a fully formed, fully functioning person, and you realize, hey, they're not the fully formed, functioning person that was advertised on this app, you start running into some real tension. Then you start asking yourself the question, hey, is this what relationships are all about? And so the other thing that is a crazy byproduct of that is with going with the many options, you start asking yourself, you start thinking that, hey, I just have to wait to find the one that's out there that's going to have all the boxes checked. You're never gonna find it. That's actually good for you. It's actually good for you to have to practice loving somebody in ways that are different than what you're used to. It's it's really good for you actually bear with the weaknesses of others. Why? Because when you do so, you become so familiar of how Jesus bore with your weakness. And though you may read it in the Bible, it'll become really clear when you choose to still be with the person ten years after mistakes were made. And so to say that, hey, you've got to begin uh what I want to say is like, hey, we need to shift from a consumerist mindset of consuming relationships to this covenant-based mindset when we're looking at relationships. Consumer mindset says, hey, uh my needs take precedence over the relationship. And when that that isn't met, then the relationship goes away. We choose divorce, we choose breakup, we choose this and that. A covenant, a promise-oriented relationship says, hey, I choose the the preference is set on the relationship over my needs. And when you begin with that, you can really go somewhere. Because here's the thing that the person you're saying yes to today is gonna be different five years from now. I read a line in this book and I really like it. He says, Hey, my my wife has been with five different men since we've gotten married, and all five of those dudes are me. But I've been different versions of myself all throughout the time because the events and things that have gone in our life. What has held us together isn't the cool 2009 earring and mohawk version. You would liked it. I was dope in 2009. The weird 2009 version that she found attractive would not have been strong enough, faithful enough, great enough to sustain the kind of person that I need to be now as a husband, as a dad, as we're continuing to get older in life and things like that. So to say, would you begin shifting your mindset from hey, what am I consuming to hey, what What kind of person do I need to be so that these promises sustain me for a lifetime? As I hold to these promises, and these promises are held to me, how do I get to see the God of the universe with a clarity like I never have before? But how do the truths about Jesus become all the more clear? Can I do a verse? Is that okay real fast? My man Paul in Ephesians chapter 5, breaking off this church that's gone off the rails, and then for some reason he decides to take a quick break and talk about marriage, which tells you something was probably jacked up in that church. Relationships are going awry, and it gave Paul some headaches. And so he starts teaching on it, and he talks about hey, wives submit to your husbands, and husbands love wives as you love as Christ loved the church. This awesome picture of what it means to love one another, but then went too far. In the same way, this is verse uh Ephesians 5 28. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church. Because we're members of his body. And Paul digs out a line all the way from Genesis, the beginning of the Bible, where it says this therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is where it gets pretty wild. This mystery is profound. And I'm saying that it refers to Christ and
Unequally Yoked And Shared Mission
SPEAKER_04the church. The mystery of how you love someone in a in a marriage relationship for the rest of your life will help you understand the mystery of the gospel. It's not just Andrew saying it because this is the earliest followers of Jesus. This is your Bible that's telling you that hey, that mystery ought to be really respected and navigated well. Because when you do it well, it helps you understand the greatest mystery of all, which is how Jesus would love us in our sin.
SPEAKER_00Good.
SPEAKER_05As you can see, like it's it's heavy stuff here, guys. Like we we move into dating on a whim, but this we're playing with the fabric of of of marriage, even in dating, in sex, like you're you're playing with the very thing like if you're if you take sex outside the context of marriage, you're playing with fire. You're playing with literally like the super glue that keeps couples together for 80 years. It's no joke. It's a serious thing, and um we tend to kind of just uh I don't know, just under kind of realize how how important this stuff is. There's a couple really interesting questions here. Maybe we can move towards this for a second, um, about singleness. Okay, like we got some questions, you know. Why does I love this? This is someone is hard on their sleeve. Why does God make me wait so long to find my person? It's unfair, it's frustrating. Um into that question, there's a little bit of an expectation that I want to highlight here. So long to find my person. I want to highlight another question that kind of coincides with this, and I know it's gonna be a little confusing on the screen, but you know, is it bad to not want a lover ever in my life? Like, just I just don't like the idea of living with someone. Um, I love this too. It's honest. Um and then you got there's uh another one. How do you know he's the one God has set for you? Um again, baked into a lot of these questions is maybe some like pre-like, like you, you're you're adopting some principles that you might have to kind of rewire and zoom out on a little bit. Um one, the apostle Paul said, read it in your Bibles. This is gonna be you maybe you've never heard this in church before. Paul says it's better to remain single. We have to kind of process this. We know that marriage is a gift. And another question was like, why does marriage get so glorified in the church? You know, like so like put on a pedestal. Marriage is a gift and it is a thing to be desired, and he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Like, there's so many biblical principles surrounding the beauty of marriage. But Paul says, hey, like I can focus more on undivided attention to the Lord when I'm unmarried. Also, Jesus wasn't married. So, like, Paul wasn't married, Jesus wasn't married. These guys were like, um, I mean, Jesus literally brought the kingdom of heaven to here, and Paul continued to build that kingdom. These guys were fulfilled. They had the joy of the Lord, they lived powerful lives. We're still here talking about them and the impact they made, obviously. Um, and so I just want to highlight, like, you might come in, you might have come in tonight with this belief that, like, okay, if I desire a wife or I desire a husband, then I'm gonna get one. Um, that might not be true. And um, just because it's a beautiful thing that God has designed doesn't mean it's for you. Now, on the flip side of that coin, I just do want to bring a little bit of reality check here. The chances are if you desire marriage um deeply, that you like most of the people that desire marriage in here will probably get married one day. That's just statistically a reality. Um, but I just I I do want to kind of like pause and zero in on this. Maybe you guys have some some additional thoughts. But if marriage has become the ultimate finish line, um, if the wedding day has become the thing that you can't stop thinking about, and then I will be happy, then I will be satisfied, then my life can finally start once I find my person that God has set out for me. This is not biblical. That like that's not a lens through which that like Jesus calls us to live. He calls us to be satisfied in him and trusting in him, especially when it comes to like, hey, do you Lord, do you have a spouse for me? Is marriage in the cards for me? I don't know. I'm gonna trust you with every step and I'm gonna take it day by day. Um, but I don't know if you guys have thoughts on this. I mean, I've just seen this to be such a misconception.
SPEAKER_06No, that's good. I was just gonna say, I know next week um we're gonna talk more about singleness, so we don't have to dive into it too much. But um, yeah, I think it goes back to what Pac was saying earlier of like, I think if it's really, really, really hard for you to wrestle with this idea that marriage is not promised to you, uh, maybe ask yourself the question, is Jesus enough for you? Um, like if the call of a Jesus follower is somebody who denies their flesh, it's somebody who follows Jesus, where did Jesus go? To the cross. He denied his flesh to the point of sweating blood. And we're called to that same type of obedience. And we kind of don't get close to that, quite honestly, most of the time. But that's the call. And so if I'm gonna deny my flesh, if I'm going to live for Jesus because he died for me, then I have to be okay with just worshiping him for the rest of my life and being content in him alone. And that's really hard. Like, I don't I don't want to make it sound really easy. Like, I know that that's really hard for people. I've walked with people who have walked through just really desiring marriage and really struggling with figuring out what it looks like to just be totally content with Jesus. And I would say though, that if you get married, your problem isn't solved. Like a heart of discontentment is still gonna be discontent even when you have that person, because like Zach will never be Jesus to me. Zach will never be perfect, he will never be everything that my heart really desires. And so, even in marriage, you'll find out maybe the harder way, years into marriage, that you're still discontent. And it's not because you married the wrong person, it's because you're looking for more of Jesus. And that's the coolest thing about marriage too, is like every time Zach loves me well, it's not supposed to be like, oh my goodness, like I love him so much. Um, and like my heart, like, we are one. Um, but it's rather like when he loves me well, it's supposed to remind me of God's love. Like everything is about worshiping God, it's not about us. And so, like, the coolest things is when Zach loves me really well, being like, wow, like God loves me like this, but like so much more. And it should make me yes fall more in love with Zach, but ultimately more in love with the Lord. And so that's kind of the thing to wrestle with there is it's all about Jesus, whether you're in marriage or you're single, it's all Jesus. It's not about you, it's not about your happiness, it's about making much of Jesus, and somebody who really loves Jesus, you're gonna find joy in living a life for Jesus.
SPEAKER_03Can I give a spicy take? It's after eight o'clock. Late night dream.
SPEAKER_04I'll give the prefacing statement before I give the statement. If you're here and you're in a season of searching and you're single, this is not I'm not aiming at you tonight. Um But there's a category of single person that maybe you're still single because you shouldn't be in a relationship. Like, uh why would God entrust one of his kids to you? Like, what if the version of you who exists right now is not the version that is capable of taking care and loving care of someone else? And so God is saying, you know, I'm not giving you somebody because you're dangerous. Because you're dangerous to you and dangerous to the person that might be in your orbit in this kind of relationship. And so could it actually be an act of kindness from God to say, hey, if you're not ready yet, why am I going to throw a backpack on your back if you're drowning right now? And so instead of looking at it and saying, like, Lord, why, why, why do I don't have the thing that I want yet? Could it be that God is saying, hey, I'm actually building the infrastructure within you so you can bear the weight of relationship and you're not ready for it just yet? So then in those moments, can I then look at God and say, God, I trust that you're good enough if I don't have what I want right now? Either I I'm misguided and I'm looking for it to be my salvation, or you're preparing me for it when the right time comes. It's usually uh it usually comes down to the sovereignty trust question of God of like, God, do you actually care about this category of my life?
Consumer Mindset Vs Covenant Mindset
SPEAKER_04And when we can come to that clarity to say, like, oh, God really does care about that, your romance part, God cares about your God cares about that more than we care about it for ourselves. So, so would you be willing to submit that to God and say, like, hey, would you help me trust you for this? Maybe in that, God will use that as an opportunity to help build all the other stuff in your life, which would be really good.
SPEAKER_06I have a good question, and y'all can share thoughts on it too. Um, I want to date, but I feel like I am constantly fighting lustful sin. Am I not ready? Um Yeah, I I would love to hear what you guys think too, but uh my brief answer will be um I think it's just important to remember that marriage won't solve your problems. I think people think like, oh, once I'm married and I can have as much sex as I want, or once I'm married, this problem will be fixed, and I'll have a wife uh who will look a certain way, or a husband that will look a certain way. It's like sin is a heart problem and it's going to last into your marriage as well. And so any there's a quote from this pastor that I like, and I'm gonna butcher it, but he says something like there's no such thing as marriage problems, it's single people problems that you bring into your marriage. Um and yeah, it's like the reason that you have marriage problems is because two sinners said I do, and they came together and they both got their sinful baggage. And the least amount of baggage you can bring is possible, the better the marriage is probably gonna be. Um, but you're gonna have baggage because you're both sinful. And so to work out as much of it as you can before you get into that marriage is going to help your future self. And so if you can work on that and and find purity and freedom in God's strength while you're still single, that is going to bless your future marriage, bless your future husband or wife so much. And so do it. Um, and yeah, I think that ultimately it's just going to be hard on your your you guys together. And so, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Um, this really changed my life um in in dating. And then I as I I got to walk walk with some some good friends of mine as they started dating and they got engaged and they got married. Um, so marriage is is signing up to to for like sexual purity only within your your marriage, you know, like that's that's where it is. It's like it's like a fire in a fireplace. You take it out of context and it starts to burn things down. It's dangerous. But in the context of a fireplace, it is beautiful and effective and powerful. And it, I mean, changed human civilization. You know, it's it's a good thing. Um here's what I'll say. Um, when you sign up to marry someone, you're saying, hey, I'm I promise to be faithful to you sexually for the rest of my life. I'm never going to have another sexual partner. I am going to uh choose you every time. And uh essentially you're saying, Hey, I will not have sex outside of marriage. Right? That's what you're saying. However, so many people are sprinting towards marriage. I want to get married, you know, I'm dating, I'm so excited, I want to get engaged. But you're having sex outside of marriage. So you're essentially practicing the very thing that is going to destroy your marriage right now, and you're sprinting towards marriage. You're playing with the very destructive ingredients. You're playing with the thing that's going to rip your marriage apart. You're living in it. So why would you sprint towards marriage if you're living in sexual sin? Uh, it doesn't really make sense. Um, you're you're you're running towards a divorce, essentially. You know what I'm saying? Like, like sexual, like um uh fornic uh not fornication. I'm thinking of um adultery in marriage is the grounds for divorce. You know, like that's a it's biblically like grounds for divorce. And so having sex outside of marriage, living in sexual sin before marriage, you're not setting yourself up well for marriage. It's just fact, it's just like factually. Like I hope what I'm saying doesn't sound like a hot take. It's just it's just logical. Um, so hopefully that's helpful. It's heavy uh because of the rampant like sexual sin addiction. I mean, that's my story. I lived in sexual sin addiction for so much of my life. I was addicted to pornography for like 10 years, and um it hurts and it it it it it destroys. And God can bring wholeness to that. Um, but sometimes it takes time to heal that. And um you want to be prepared for marriage. It's the it's the biggest decision you'll make outside of pursuing of giving your life to Jesus.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, man, as you say that I think about like um so we live in a world that, uh, as Vic was saying, like we're statistically delaying marriage further and further. And I think part of that is this desire to say, going back to that consumer conversation, right? Like when it comes to sex and stuff, we're saying, like, uh I don't want to live in a world where I've eliminated all my other options. I'm still waiting for that. I could be at Stop and Shop and I see that person, and just like I see on Netflix, we strike it up and all of a sudden we're in a hot and fiery relationship, right? Like we live in a world where we like to train that muscle, that the hot, steamy, risky behavior is the exciting one when it comes to sex. And I'm telling you that the deeper, more committed version of love is when you say, I'm willing to get married to this person and close off all the rest of my options. Right? When the world says, like, oh no, that's repressive, why would you do that? You you should be free to explore and do whatever you want, I'm saying that that's not real love. That's a shallow version of it. The realest, deepest version is the one in which I say, I'll close every I'm not I'm not looking for anything else. I'm willing to fight to prevent and keep this one the most important thing. And so when I think of transferable skills into the rest of your life and into the rest of your marriage, your battle with fighting for purity helps all the other boats rise, meaning all the other things will be increased because of you fighting through this specific one. That ability to be disciplined and push against that that uh so right, like when you're married 10 years and you're getting old and your bodies don't look it's coming your way, folks. Buckle up. You're gonna be looking just as old as me one day. It's gonna be great. But right, like there's there's a moment that comes your way in which uh things will be different, you'll look different, the attraction will be different, and all that kind of stuff. And if you've trained that muscle to go after the risky, exciting, enticing Netflix version of love, you're gonna go find it. And you're gonna wreck the most important relationship that you have. And instead of having a uh a well-worn, like a like a nice piece of leather that over time gets patinaed and beautiful, you'll have a thing full of holes and craters because you've chosen these destructive incidences along the way. And so instead, I want you to develop that muscle of saying, like, hey uh and and uh I think this is maybe why we have a commitment issue. Right? Like I love when I talk, oh, we're just talking. I'm like, dude, I don't even know what that means. We just don't want to put a label on it just yet. Let's go there, let's go there.
SPEAKER_05That's crazy.
SPEAKER_04And and what I think that is, is this impulse within us to I'm just waiting to see if there's a better free agent on the on the horizon for me. And in that I'm saying, like, hey, you don't actually love this person. And they're not enough, they don't mean enough to you, or your definition of love isn't big enough to capture this particular moment. And so I don't think that person is ready kind of thing. So yeah, I think wrestling with that, practicing that, the disciplines that come along with preserving that kind of love will help you be a married person 50 years from now, not just year one. And fight for that version of yourself because I think it'll be good.
SPEAKER_05I got a spicy one here. Cool if I throw it in. My brain's a little foggy tonight, so hopefully I can untangle this because there's some good stuff. Is it bad to have guy best friends if I have no intention in dating them? Yeah, it's a fun one, fun one. I really appreciate these good questions. Um yeah, like um, so what Paul says this um this might be intense, it's probably wrong. If whatever does not proceed from faith is sin. Okay, so there's this blanket, intense statement from Paul saying, okay, like everything we do is is called to be rooted in this place of faith. This this thing that says, hey, Jesus is everything to me. I stake my life on him. I put my faith in Christ. And whatever doesn't proceed from that anchor is sin. So that's that's for starters. That apply that to the music you listen to, the TV shows you watch, the friendships you make in general, how you treat your parents. Apply this to everything, every word you say, every action you do. Does it proceed from faith? If not, it is sin. So there's that's like a heavier black and white kind of concept. Um that's yeah, it's radical, right? So the question would be why do you have guy best friends? Um, the truth is probably like I'll just say it because like it's just reality. Um, there is usually a some sort of little spark. And you might deny and be like, there's nothing, you know. But one of my favorite quotes is that, like, hey, if you're not feeling it, the other person probably is. And it's just a pretty good kind of like factor. Like, I've and I've seen it over years, guys. I've been coming to the summit for like eight, nine years now. I've seen this over time. There, it's just, oh, we're just best friends, right? But then after a few months, one of them's like, yeah, I think I like love them, bro. You know, like, you know, like it ha it, it just, I've seen it too many times. And if it's not that, it's I just really think I I'm starting to like him, but I don't think, you know, like we didn't sign up for this, you know. Someone's heart is usually drifting toward the other person. That's a reality. And when you have a guy best friend situation, a girl, guy's best friend, here's what you're doing. This is why it feels uh fun. This is why you're generally attracted to guys. If you, you know, like generally speaking, most women are attracted to men. And so as you like have these relationships with guys that are, oh, we're just best friends, you're playing with the very spark that is supposed to build into this wildfire of beauty that is marriage and sex. Like that's where it's supposed to go. Like, you know, like, and that's you're playing, that's why it's so like um, that's why like you're so like excited, you get that feeling when he texts you versus like your girlfriend that you you've known since elementary school. Like you guys are
Singleness, Purpose, And Contentment
SPEAKER_05there's a different level of like, okay, like there's depth there. But when the guy texts you, you know, and he's been talking to him for two weeks. It's like you get this little like uh there's a little pep in your step, you get the spark going. Like, don't deny it. Like, you guys know what I'm talking about here.
SPEAKER_06And so we were best friends, yeah. We were.
SPEAKER_05I they were, I knew it. So we were going. Yeah, yeah. I seen through my life. It was not it. You know, we were we it was more than that. That we were playing with the sparks that were gonna lead us to start dating, leading us toward marriage. And so um, you might have to be honest with yourself. Here's another here's another thing I'll say. Um, someone's dying over there. Yeah, please, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Um, all I was gonna say is um in the same way that like Zach and I are married, and so we're gonna be careful about how we um are friends with the opposite sex because we never want to come close to ever the possibility of having an affair, right? And so we're gonna be super careful. So, like, we've talked about things like, oh, yeah, we're not going to hang out with. The opposite sex alone. We might not text somebody of the opposite sex like a big conversation and like deep inside jokes, like we'll do that together or make sure someone else of the opposite sex is there. Uh so that I'm not like there's another girl with me or another guy with Zach or whatever it might be. Um, we have these rules in place to protect the covenant of marriage because we care a lot about protecting the covenant of marriage. The truth is that even if you are single, you still have that same responsibility to protect the covenant of marriage. And so you can protect the covenant of your marriage or this other person's marriage while you're still single. And it shows a lot too about like what you believe about protecting the covenant of marriage. Like, I don't know, if somebody asked me their opinion on somebody that they're trying to date and he's really close friends with all these girls and hangs out with them all one-on-one, be like, man, I don't know. I would be a little careful. Like, I would just slow down a little bit, ask him why. Is he leading all these girls on? Because that's not loving, or does he enjoy the spark that comes back and forth and the flirtatious vibes that happens with the opposite sex? What is the why? And so I'm not saying it's wrong to be friends with the opposite sex. I'm very close friends with Pastor Andrew. I'm close friends with Gian, who I lead the summit with. Like, I'm close friends with these guys, but where it we don't hang out alone. Me and Pac aren't going to the movies, we would never do that. That's weird. You would all agree. And so, why is it not just as weird for you guys? Unless you're interested in dating them, you know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Just uh I've been working with young people for a long time. The stats are in my favor. It don't work out, y'all. Like every time they say they're friends, there's something more going on, usually. Uh I'll say this kind of going off a big set, like, hey, there's uh uh there's patterns that y'all have now that you're either going to have to increase or unwind when you get married. So the the the playfulness that you might have to build a relationship with the opposite, that's gonna be something you'll have to carry into your next relationship. And so I think just that just as a carefulness for y'all to say, like, hey, uh kind of you've been using that phraseology of like, hey, muscles that were strengthening. Hey, what muscles are you strengthening right now in terms of relationships and how they'll work? And so it'd be worth asking that question of like, hey, am I doing this because I enjoy playing with fire? Or is there something, you know what I mean? Or what kind of things am I doing to my own brain and my mental map about relationships with other people that I'm gonna have to unwind later because it's not fitting a paradigm in which I can take care of marriage relationships that way.
SPEAKER_05Um just on the last thought on this question, I'm gonna give a I'm gonna give a quick tip for the guys here. Maybe you have a tip for the girls. I don't wanna, you know, I don't want to be one-sided. But this could apply in both ways. Um, yo, if she doesn't have female friends, um that's not good. Um so like she That's it. Um if she has Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um let's let's take it a step further. If she has troubles, like trouble like holding on to friendships in general, like she's got bad blood with a lot of people, a lot of like falling out with past friends, like uh like you know, just there's always some reason that something didn't work out in a friendship or something. Um be so careful, guys. Um, I'll say this the church is a committed body of believers that are as unified as my hand is to my shoulder. That's the the church is called to be united and we're called to uh be a like we're family in Christ. We're brought like we use the terms brother and sister because we have the same father. We are family. And so uh, man, I think guys, like you will just you will like save yourself 80% of like all the struggle in dating. Don't date a girl that has no female friends or no close female friends. And then, like, obviously that's with a little bit of nuance, but like generally speaking, like be careful. And then, but this one's a blanket statement. Like, if you're a follower of Jesus, you're a part of his body, do not date someone that's not a part of the body of Christ. It it just doesn't make sense. Um, and being a part of a body, we talked a little bit about this last week, is such a good way to actually date. It's such a good way to be like, oh shoot. So, like, she's been serving at this church for like years. Like, wait, she's got like deep friendships with other women that are her age and they've like worked through challenging conflicts together over time. Like, that's the sort of woman that should grab your attention. And um, that that like she she has character to push through, and she probably has some Jesus-like qualities. Um yeah, don't yeah, just be careful. That's it.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, to go along with that, in Proverbs it says, Charm is deceitful, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. And so I think a lot of times, like uh somebody might be charming in front of your face or beautiful in front of your face, but the way they are in their life in general shows you the type of person they're going to be. And uh so yeah, you're choosing your problems in that way. And so if there's somebody that has a lot of beef with a lot of people, uh, they're probably gonna have beef with you one day. Um, and yeah, how can you look for people who are marked by unity and and these qualities that Jesus followers have? Um, that being said, there's a good question here, and we probably only have time for like one more if y'all want to pick out another one. But um, what are some signs that they're not the right person? I like this question because a lot of times um I've had I've truly had like the privilege to walk with a lot of girls through dating um and engagement and then marriage and um early marriage. And um yeah, I get a lot of questions about dating at Summit usually, and everyone thinks their relationship is the exception. Like they're like, okay, like listen, we met like 10 years ago, we've known each other forever. He smokes weed all the time, but like he loves Jesus. We go to church on Sundays, and I'm like, man, somebody who loves Jesus cares a lot about keeping their body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. They care a lot about staying sober-minded so they can be intentional with the way they live. So I think you should break up. And like, but you're so blinded with all your feelings and emotions. And so, um, yeah, what are some signs? I would just say be careful to not think that your relationship is the exception. Like they're showing you who they are. And so if they are consistently falling, if you guys together consistently falling into sexual sin, it might be time for you both to separate and really work on just asking yourself, do you love Jesus enough to give up this part of your life? Do you love Jesus enough to give up your pleasure in this way? Do you love Jesus enough and fear God enough to say that his design is best and I'm going to live according to that, and I'm going to find freedom because I am able to find freedom because I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and he can do it. And so I think that's a lot we believe sometimes too, is like, oh, like I'll never find freedom from this sin or whatever it might be. It's like, that's not true, but it might be really hard. You might need to break up and flee. Like the Bible says to flee sexual immorality. Like you might need to really be careful. Like, I think it's funny when people who come up to me and they're like, yeah, we're really struggling with sexual sin. And they're like, Yeah, and we went on vacation last week, had a same hotel room. It's like, of course. Like you're a man and a woman staying alone together in a room. What else is gonna happen? Like, that's crazy that you like you're playing with fire. Like, be careful. Realize that it's so easy to fall into sin. And so, how can you be so cautious? Um, and so it's not that it's inherently wrong to stay in the same bed with the someone of the opposite sex, but what are like
Lust, Purity, And Preparing For Marriage
SPEAKER_06why are you doing that to yourself?
SPEAKER_05How could that be the right decision?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like how can that be from faith? Like it maybe if the world was taken over by zombies, I don't know, but like it seems like not that possible. Um, and even if you are able to stay pure, like what are you training yourself for? Like it goes back to what Pac was saying earlier. Like, we're all training ourselves. We're so programmable, guys. Like, I don't think we've realized that like the decisions we make really do affect the way we behave, and the way that we behave will continue to affect our future selves and therefore our future spouses. And so, like, if you're consistently like living together, but you're like, no, we really are staying pure, it's like you're training yourself for a marriage that doesn't have sex in it. You're training yourself to be in a bed with your husband and not have sex. That's not God's design either. And so, like, just realizing like, what am I training myself for? How can I be wise in this way? And so, yeah, like if there are inherent sins that this person is really struggling with or you're really struggling with, it might be best to figure it out alone. Um, and then I would say, if there's things, like no one's gonna be perfect, guys, which I understand. And so I would ask, how are they working on it? Like, how can you see the ways they're working on it? Like, how are they marked by humility and they have guys around them or girls around them that are helping them fight their sin? Like, that's the type of person that's like, oh wow, like yes, they're not perfect. There's things that are like yellow flags, sure, but they're working on them, and I see the ways that they are fighting them and they're finding freedom, and so it can be a green flag.
SPEAKER_04Like that. This is uh you say, What are two adults gonna do when they get in a hotel room? They're not playing Pokemon. They're doing some wild stuff. Dang, I offended a whole crew. I'm sorry, y'all. Charizard. Um maybe uh I want to reframe the question and add additional comments to it saying, like, hey, um, we're talking about red flags, green flags, yellow flags. I want to say, hey, what are some of the places in which you can observe character in a way that'll help me make a good decision? Is this a person I should pursue? Um, so my wife and I we met at college, as a Christian college, which is like a weird incubator for relationships. They got this whole like ring by spring mentality. So I was I was just we we went to the cafeteria for chicken nuggets, and they're like, hey, you gonna propose? I was like, chill, Bill. I don't know how to spell her last name yet. But within that became really clear, right? In an opportunity where things felt like they were escalating, when our emotions were getting really excited and all that kind of stuff. And those are the moments when you're more apt to overlook stuff because you're kind of operating with blinders on because this person is attractive and I like them and I'm gonna overlook the bad stuff. Somehow my brothers around me, my friends around me gave me the clarity of like, hey, you need to go observe who this person is outside of what you've already been looking at. So, for example, uh, before I ever consider her to be my girlfriend, I said, I've got to see you in a moment of stress and in a moment of celebration. Because if Jesus has no seat at the table in either one of those moments of your life, I want nothing to do with you. And right, because in a regular day-to-day, she's gonna say all the cool and exciting things, like, oh wow, you're great. Oh, I love Jesus. I but unless that moment comes and you're in the fire and I don't see those qualities in you, it's not it's not a go. So I would say, hey, wait. Don't put them in there, like, hey, I'm gonna crash their car and see how they respond. Don't do that. Right? Like, but but wait for the moment, it's worth it. Uh second thing I said was like, hey, so my wife is from up here in New Bedford, Mass. I'm from New Jersey and New York. Uh I said, hey, I need to come up and see you with your friends and your family. Because there's a version of you that exists in those circles that have had a long series, like they've been with you for decades. They know your character. And whatever version pops out there in those moments, I want to know who that version is. Right? Like how you talk with your friends and how you talk to your mom and your dad. I need to see who that version is because that'll help me see if Jesus has shaped the way you talk and things like that. Uh, a third category, I say, hey, I just want to go with you to church. Because she could tell me she goes to church, but if we show up and nobody knows her name, and she attends church, but she doesn't, she's not a part of the body there. And so, yeah, they may put on their bio, hey, I love the Lord, hey, they may put on their their Plenty of Fish, whatever app out there, hey, I'm a Christian and whatever. But until you can see them as a part of the body, you don't have opportunity to observe their character shaped over time. Um so if you're looking, those are those are the the green flag places you can look, and it'll become really clear there.
SPEAKER_05As we close tonight, um these are some radical thoughts compared to the world. Like, this is not what you're hearing from your general internet dating guru. They're not saying this stuff. They're um so we just want to acknowledge that, like, this might a lot of this might sound a little out there to you tonight. Um and it's only gonna make any sense if you know Jesus and you're willing to trust him with how he calls us to pursue marriage and relationships. It otherwise this isn't gonna make sense. We're not judging anyone, like that's not our heart um at all. We're just trying to literally guide as many people as we can into healthy marriages that desire them. And uh God designed it. We could we should go to him for the blueprint, and um yeah, um marriage is a beautiful thing to be desired, singleness is a beautiful thing to be desired. You know, if you're around next week, please come to the summit. We'll be here at 7 p.m. uh next week talking about more about singleness and what that means to be faithful with that season of life um or with that life in general. Um so would you all just join me in praying? Uh just for this room. Lord, we we just asked, Lord, that um the conversation that was had tonight and the ones that continue to happen tonight, Lord, would they bring us closer to you? And would we see your beauty and your love through your design, your for marriage and what you've created? Um God, we see so much crazy stuff in this world on especially on the internet, Lord. We see um we just see so much brokenness too, Lord. Um maybe even in our own families, Lord. Um would you help us, Lord, to to be open-minded to you, reshaping the way we think about our future marriage, Lord, if if that's what you have for us. Would we trust you with that? And would it just be an act of worship, a spiritual act of worship to say, God, I'm gonna date how you want me to date? I'm gonna lean on people from your church, from your body to guide me. Lord, I'm not gonna hold it with a death grip on the way I want to do it, but Lord, I'm gonna trust you. Lord, would you work in our hearts? Would we love you enough? And we uh would we understand your love ultimately enough to do that? Would we understand what you did for us on the cross? Would everything flow from that? Would we love you because you first loved us? And would that change the way we live in Jesus' name? Amen. Amen. Well, Summit, we love y'all. Please stick around, hang around. We're up here if you got questions, want to chat more, meet some people, say what's up, grab some snacks. We're here every Thursday, 7 p.m. We'll be here next week. Peace.