Grief as a long burn

 The grief that is a haunting…where the song, painting, place, event sparks the most painful, but also glorious memories. This grief can be both by a death, but also a relationship ending 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hi, welcome back. It's Angelique Clemens, the host of the Can I Borrow Your Skin podcast. Uh, week three here in March, and we are still talking about grief. Now, last week I kind of mentioned about grief coming in, like the tide rolling and how it can consume you. But I want to talk about that, but from a different angle and from a different perspective. First of all, after the initial hurt and the nagging, you get to that point where you're able to function again. You get past the knock you on your ass part of grief, and you start to get back to what people would call your normal functioning life. Everything is good, you're happy, you're able to interact with your friends again. Me, I'm an isolator. So when I am deep in my grief, I am the kind of person that will, you know, curl up in a ball somewhere. Um, usually it's in the bed of my house. Um, and I do the bare minimum. I get up, I go to work, I usually I actually don't eat, so I don't do the bare minimum. So I I tend to pull back into myself. The the last major grief for me, the one that rocked me to my core, would have been my mother. And I probably did not function normal until several months after my mother passed. And so we're we're talking about to that point where you you get past the the non-functional parts of your life and you you get back to that place where you're no longer putting on on the mask and um doing the bare minimum. So this is after all of that, you've been knocked on your ass. But for me, it's the long burn that haunts me. It's where you you have those those happy memories, you're you're sitting around talking, something happens, and it leads to tears. You hear that that one song that um that brings up that happy memory, and you know, you're you're sitting there and you're listening to the song, and then you start to cry. And I'm trying really hard right now because the song just popped in my head, and I feel tears. And um, for a lot of us, it it may be a place we go to, it may be uh a painting, an event. Um, and you put on this happy smile that you have now, and then the tears come. And I'm apologizing now because they were coming. And you have these glorious memories, and they are the most painful happy memories that you can have because you know you're happy, and then you get the crash, and I am recording, so we are not gonna get the crash, and it's this morning is part of the grief because of the grief for me. I can't say that it is past because I don't think that you ever a hundred percent get over someone, and that's whether it's a death, that's whether it is a loss of a friendship, of a relationship. You get to that place where you are okay without them being ever present in your life, and um sometimes the grief is also because of deferred dreams, you wanted to do this, and you planned your whole life to do this, and um you know, because of changes or whatever, you can no longer do that. Morning friendships are different, especially when you have friends you've been friends with forever. Okay, song's out of my head. And if we're all honest, we know our friendships change over time. Sometimes they evolve into something that is an adult friendship where you don't have to talk to the person every day, you don't have to be near the person every day, but when you talk to them, you pick up right where you left off. Um, and sometimes you guys just fall out as friends, and it's not because of a falling out, you just grow. I have friends who I was friends with a number of years, and due to the lack of closeness, you just grow apart, you just you're no longer there with each other. Now with technology, it makes it easier. But I grew up in the 90s, I went to college in the 90s, and so your high school friends, before there were cell phones, you kind of you don't talk to them every day now with you know technology and like Facebook. Yes, I'm old. I I have the Facebook. Actually, just made a TikTok, I haven't put anything on it, but my TikTok's coming, y'all. Uh, actually, I'm trying to figure out the first thing to post. So if you you have a great idea of what to put on TikTok for my first post, please let me know. Um, I asked a couple podcast friends of mine. They said they had theirs forever, they don't even remember what their first post was. So then I asked um my nieces, uh, and they were like, do six, seven. I'm like, fuck no. So anyway, um, okay, let me clean up these eyes. The tears are gone, I promise. But anyway, you just your friendship just kind of wanes. And sometimes it is able to get the friendship back to kind of reconnect on a social media platform and be like, oh my God, I remember you, or do you remember when? And you you kind of pick up, but you now have the bringing in the last, you know, five, 10, 20 years or whatever, and you realize you're still compatible as friends. Um, but sometimes you you you know, you have those rare, you know, cradle to the grave kind of friendships. I have a couple of those, and they are so worth nurturing. And, you know, with those friendships, you know, we do have those periods where it wanes. But I can truly say that I am blessed that I have some amazing friends in my life. And so it is amazing. Um sometimes you have to walk away from toxicity. And in some cases, you know, that ability to walk away used to be, you know, we'd say, oh, but they're family. Well, walk away from toxic family too. Like there are no exceptions in this case. Walking away from toxicity is walking away from toxicity. And sometimes you have to walk away from the toxic past that you have. You know, we would all be lying if we did not say we had a toxic phase, we did a toxic thing. We all have. I absolutely have. Um, sometimes I'm proud of the toxic things that I did, because I'm me. And sometimes we're not. And sometimes we have to say, you know what, the toxic thing I'm walking away from today was me in 1984. I was four, so I wasn't toxic back then, at least not to my knowledge. Um, but sometimes we have to do that. And sometimes, you know, when you're made to act polite around a toxic person, um, whether it was that Chester in your life or if it's walking away from those family members who made you protect the Chester in your lives. Because everyone knows who that person was or is, and everyone tends to sit around and say that they're gonna, you know, oh no, we we just don't, you know, we don't call them out. Well, and with most things, not calling out toxic behavior and bullshit ass behavior is condoning it. And I'm one of those people, as an adult, I don't do that when I've noticed fucked up things happening around me. I am usually the family member being told to leave an event. Um, because I'm like, what was that? And they're like, what do you mean? I'm like, I saw that. What was that? And um, and oh, and don't let it be against like a family member or a friend that I love to pieces, because not only am I saying, what is that? I'm in your face, I'm a bitch about it. It is happening. You are not gonna hurt someone around me and not have me step in for that vulnerable person and say, Well, what was that? Because it's happening. Um, and you know, between the tears and and the toxicity, I did take a detour. So, what I'm talking about is the the smothering, intense, long burn of grief, where life is never the same. It wasn't as we knew it. Something major has happened to us that has taken us off our mark, and you will never be back on that mark again. You went from, for me, the the the person with you know, happy loving parents and two siblings and a host of aunt and uncles around me, this big loving, caring family, uh huge family reunions, uh, I, you know, a million and three cousins and you know, cousins with kids and cousins with, you know, like this huge, big loving family. And that's if I take my my childhood family and my adult family and smush them all together, and there's no loss, there's no nothing. Like this wonderful family who, yeah, we had our problems, we had our fights, and my family is not ideal. I'm not saying that, uh, to this framework of a new life, my new normal, this new place where I am, my life without X. Now I'm gonna say my life without Y, because I don't want you to think I'm talking about an X, even though I do have one major relationship that I no longer have, where my whole life and planning was about the two of us together for a really long time. And that that is gone. Um, and so I'm I'm gonna talk about my life without why. And so then you you don't have this life with why, but you still have all these memories and experiences with why, whether why is a parent or a grandparent or a friend, as I mentioned, a um a major relationship. And when it hurts, it hurts. It can knock the wind out of you, and you're never prepared for it, you know, because it comes out of nowhere. You know, a song that you and Y dance to. Uh, it's actually kind of funny. My um my my uh paternal uh grandfather, um he he used to do the camel walk. And for those of you in the know, you know. So um, and so he would sit there and he would do in the camel walk, and all of us kids would uh be with them. And my my my uh both my maternal and my paternal grandmothers were Eastern stars, and so you know, being around the halls and listening to the stories and watching the men do the camel walk, every time I see a video of Masons doing a camel walk, it immediately snaps me to my paternal grandfather doing it and just uh being at the hall and all the great you know memories from the hall. And um, it's bringing a smile to my face right now because such happy memories. Um, you know, the time that I was taken on a surprise destination where you get that phone call. Hey, what what are we doing this weekend? Oh, I didn't know we have plans. Well, pack an overnight bag. I'm like, okay. Figured I'm going to hang out with Wyatt Wyatt's house and we're off on a trip, you know, and it's because you know, uh I'm one of them people I will always overpack. It is what it is. Don't make fun of me. I'm going on a two-day trip and I got 17 million duffel bags. Um, and when you get prepared for that, it is what it is. Um the one time you poured your heart out into your work and that project failed, or you, you know, politic politics changed and you didn't get the grant money, um, where you've outgrown your relationship with why um because of life choices that one of y'all made that made that relationship with your friend Y not conducive to the life you're walking into. Like it, it's it's one of those things, and you know, the Usher song says you gotta let it burn. And it it's it's very fitting because what what that song is about is the changing of your relationships. And in that song, it was about uh a romantic relationship changing, but that can be romantic relationships, it could be familiar relationships, it could be a platonic relationship. Sometimes you just have to let that burn, like it's done. You're watching those plans in front of you in said fire pit, and it is something that is going to go up and the you know proverbial smoke, it's it's over, it's done, and it's okay. And a lot of people have this approach to you know, relationships, relationship losses, um, no matter the kind of relationship that they wish they never experienced it. And I've never taken that approach, and it with a couple of um exceptions, but I don't take that approach because I like who I am right now in this moment. You know, I have great things about me, I have good things about me, I have things about me. Um, I have some things that could be classified as bad, but I like it all because it's me. And those past experiences, those things that I did, they shaped the me that I am today. And so I couldn't not have relationship why and still be me because it helped me be who I am right now, sitting in this moment, sitting in this chair, getting ready to drink some water. And so I would never want to take away from my life anything that made me me. And have I had some not ideal things happen? Absolutely. Have I had some amazing experiences? Absolutely. Is my everyday life perfect? Absolutely not. Can I do things to improve that? Yes, and I'm doing those things. Can I do things to make it worse? Yes, and I I know that, and so I'm trying to avoid those things, but at the end of the day, grief can bring out the best things and the worst things, and sometimes that song, sometimes that memory, sometimes that trigger of wow. Not only does it bring tears to your eyes, it can bring a smile to their face, but it can also bring motivation. And I think that is the last thing that I am going to talk about today when it comes to grief. Yes, I have a whole nother episode next week, but this week I want to dwell on those memories that can bring motivation. Y'all already saw me cry like a baby a few minutes ago um based on a memory of a song. But there's also those memories of motivation. I will give a great example. I um I already told you guys that I was sick um right after um the restrictions of COVID were lifting. I had gotten I had gotten very ill. And um to kind of put things in perspective, being an essential worker, my husband and I both are, um, the only thing COVID changed for us was personal protective equipment. Um we would both get up every morning, do our morning routine, get in our cars, go off to our workplaces. Uh for me myself, I would don both of my PPE right inside um the workplace. Like we had a designated area for putting on our personal protective equipment, um, be covered from head to toe, and go out and do my job. And uh part of my job was also to ensure that everyone else was doing everything that they had to do. So I was both a positive influence in people's lives during COVID, but I was also a negative influence. Like there were people who hated CME coming. It was like, oh great, it's her. And I still yeah, I still have that effect on some people, depending on who you talk to. And I don't care. And um, but then you you had um during COVID, um, I had the the rare chance um to have a grandparent as an adult, like an actual full functioning grown-ass adult. Um, I started losing my grandparents in high school. Um, pretty much by the end of college, they were all gone. So to be able to make a grandparent, my was my husband's uh maternal grandmother. I um I was lucky. And uh by the time I met her, she had already had dementia, and things for her were the same but different every day, if I can explain this in a way that could be understood. She had her little routine in life. There were family events and you know, visitations and with family and friends that uh changed up her routine, but as her dementia became uh more profound, uh, you know, there is this saying in um neuroscience and neurology that when you get dementia, most people start to live in their life where they were most happy. And for her, that was her time living in northern Michigan with her husband who had passed before her and her kids. And uh and she also used to tell me a lot of stories about her mother, and I loved it. I ate it up. Uh, she probably, in the years that I'd known her, probably told me the same story with additional details so many times. I could probably tell the stories myself, but I loved every second of it, and it was motivating for me. I had decided that I did not feel that I could um be a neurosurgeon or a neurologist fairly early on in my academic career, and um a lot of that had to do with uh the crashing mourning of my grandmother, my maternal um grandmother, who I've spoken about in uh previous episodes on grief. And so being able to sit with someone and watch how their brain works was awesome for me, um, because she was probably one of the most beautiful people in in spirit and soul that I have ever met. And sitting with her and watching how she lit up when she talked about certain things, I I actually think it's kind of funny because one of the things she said to me, which my husband and I will still talk about every once in a while, she was telling me about her husband. And um, she was showing me pictures of them as younger people. And um, she's sitting next to me, she puts this photo album in my lap, she points to her husband, and she goes, Look at him, and he could. Cute. And I died laughing. And she's laughing. I'm laughing. And uh on the car ride home, my husband says, What were y'all laughing about? I'm like, Oh, she was just showing me her cute husband. He goes, What? And I'm like, Oh, yeah. She was telling me how cute he was. And like every time we looked at pictures after that, and she showed me her husband, and she was just smiling, like, oh, he's cute. She goes, I know. And it was so funny to me. And just watching those interactions and um having a grandparent as an adult was amazing for me. And so she used to tell me stories about her life, and it was so motivating to me where I actually started volunteering with for people with dementia. Um, and it wasn't often, maybe once every couple months, but it was inspiring. Uh, she's actually one of the reasons why I decided that I wanted to document a lot of the things in my life and inspired me to look more into my grandparents and their history. I actually started uh doing some genealogy. I was able to find my um maternal uh grandfather, um, some of his family um found out what kind of Native American um roots I have and actually find my paternal grandfather's grandmother, find her birth records in the dolls, which is the national um registry for um Native Americans. So you could find your family if you are Native American and you have enough information. You can actually go through the dolls index. And I found birth records, I found um marriage certificates, I found all kinds of really cool things. And to be able to sit down with my piblings, because my at that point my mother had passed, um, sit down with some of my piblings and like look at some of these records and talk about some of these things. And um for those of you who do not know, as um as a black person in America, it's actually very, very difficult to get a lot of history and to get a lot of records on yourself. And so she was actually very inspiring to me to uh to like look up my family and to look at old pictures, and uh and it it was one of those things, and the one thing I was able to give to her, um, she passed during COVID, which is the important part of bringing up COVID. She passed during COVID, and at the time when she passed, everything was still closed. Um, and she was a devote Catholic, and because of my husband and I, we were able to start taking her to Mass and her getting the host near the end of her life and things like that was very important to her. And she um used to tell me stories because her husband was not uh Catholic, but she was, and so it was very important to her to have Catholic Mass. And she told me about how her priest was able to do that for her, and um one of the things I was able to do for her myself when she passed, even though it was during COVID, was for her to get her rights um from an altar during COVID. And so she was inspiring to me to look up my family and my family history, and um, she inspired me to do something that I don't think she thought she would ever be able to do without me. And so that that is one of those things that um I I think, you know, being inspired by grief and being inspired by someone um through grief and through that grieving process was something that I can honestly say was important to me. So not only did I get a grandparent as an adult, I was inspired by her to look more into my family, our our photos, our history, our past. And then as a thank you, I was actually able to give her something at the end of her life that I felt that was would have been important to her. So grief as a slow burn can be a lot of different things. And to end this on a higher note, um uh Usher tells you, you gotta let it burn. So sometimes you gotta let it burn. And I I am telling you right now, the big smile coming onto my face is because I was gonna make a joke about Usher and burning. And if if you if you follow RB at all, you know exactly what the joke is gonna be. But see, I did an adult thing and I didn't make it. So uh thank you. We are going to move along, finish our last topic in March on grief, and then we're jumping right into April. So thanks for rolling with me. If you have some really cool um stories or comments about grief and how you let it burn and what it inspired you to do, or if you want to tell me about a song or an event or anything that always takes you to a specific memory, feel free, drop it in the comments. Otherwise, like, subscribe, and follow. Thank you.