Grief as a punch in the face

There are those deaths that remove the rose colored glasses. I experienced that with my parents. I was in my 40s and I felt that I was an adult, but I learned very quickly that many of things that I thought that grief and life in general was very wrong. It was a total slap in the face. I found my entire life turned upside down, but not for the typical, I feel like an orphan reasons. I was no longer rationalizing the things shown to be family and friends. I accepted whatever place that was shown to me…I lived Maya Angelou’s quote and I believed ppl as they showed me who they were and found a way to be okay with it. 

Transcript

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Hi, Angelique Clemens, the host of Can I Borrow Your Skin, the podcast. Um, this week we are talking about getting punched in the face by grief. Not a gut punch where you kind of keel over and you hold yourself and you just want to vomit, but to be hitting the eyes and the mouth and the nose with your guard down and your eyes are watering, and you take that one-two combo, and you got your bell rung, and you're sitting here just like wow, you didn't expect it. It is painful, it is required to remove those rose-colored glasses, and you're not in Kansas anymore, and you have to look at the reality of what is going on and say to yourself, self, this is not the grief that I know. This is not the grief that I'm accustomed to, with all the emotions that come along with grief. No, no, this is new, this is different. And as I've mentioned, I've lost all my grandparents, I've lost a host of aunts and uncles and cousins. And out of the 19 aunts and uncles that I had, I only have five left. So I've lost a lot of people. I, you know, I I had 52 first cousins, and I've already lost enough of those to be like, huh, this is a lot. You know, losing a sibling. And then when you start looking at the other losses that aren't deaths, you know, losing, you know, a partner, um, losing a career that I thought was going to be my career. This was what I was going to do for the rest of my life, and having to take a step back, refocus, and say, all right, this is what I'm doing now. After all this loss and having to refocus my life several times, I was not prepared for being orphaned. You know, I lost my dad in September of 2018. I was very close with my father. Like we, as a child, he taught me chess and we played basketball. And as an adult, my father and I would actually go to games together and sit and watch the games and and and talk shit. Like, actually, the the picture used for my father's obituary was taken at a game that my father and I um were at together. And uh I lost my mom in April of 2024. So I was a 40-year-old person, person in my 40s. I wasn't actually 40 years old, um, person in my 40s, and I was learning grief all over again. I thought I had a handle on it. I lost enough people where I was like, I have a handle on this, right? Nope. But it was not the typical, I lost my parents, I can't call them anymore with my problems or my accomplishments or get their advice or you know, talk about what's gonna happen next. Because I've done that, you know, with with losing other losses, I've been able to lean upon my parents. But this wasn't that kind of, it wasn't that kind of grief. It was, huh, I can be as much of me as I want to be. I no longer had that judgment or the fear that I'm gonna get in trouble if I did not do what my parents expected me to do. If I wasn't doing what they raised me to do, um, I wouldn't be reprimanded. I no longer had those those training wills, those limitations. Like I could be me. I no longer had to rationalize things um that was that I was shown by family and friends. Like if I was treated poorly in one way or another, I didn't have to ignore it because if I addressed it, then someone would tell my mommy or my daddy on me. And then I have to listen to them. Tell me, no, that's not what we do in this family, that's not how we do X, Y, Z. And I didn't have to hear the conversation of they're an elder, you treat people with respect, regardless of how disrespectful they are to you. And it's freeing. It's freeing. I no longer had to talk to people anymore. Um, and there were certain people that did not deserve my conversations. I could close a door and be like, fuck you forever. And I was okay with the fuck you forever. And you know, there were some people who said fuck you forever to me. And I was like, thanks, sit and spin, asshole. And I was so happy. It was so free. Was I hurt by some of the fuck you forever's? Yes. Yes, I was. If I'm being honest, I absolutely was. But I didn't have to rationalize me anymore. Um, in my book, Can I Borrow Your Skin, and in some interviews I've done about the book, I say, and I still feel this way, that most people cannot be their authentic selves. They are literally only 10% of themselves with 90% of the people in their lives. If you sit down and you say to yourself, I am uh I'm A, B, and C, but around your friend Jan, you can't be B and C, and you can only be 30% A. Well, you're not being your authentic self. And some of that is because you feel like you would be embarrassing if you were all of you with Jan, or you feel like Jan can't handle, you know, B, or you know, Jan is from a church group, and your religion condones C. You you could be friends with Jan, sure. But are you truly Jan's friend if Jan can't see all of you? And it was so freeing for me when I did not have to rationalize being in relationships and around people for my parents. I accepted where I was relegated to. If I was the person you called only when you needed money, I'm not your bank. Call somebody else. I'd answer the phone. At one point in my life, there were people I knew that only treated me like a bank. I did not want to deal with them. But then I would hear from one of my parents, well, they're your they're your blah, blah, blah. I didn't want to say ex because I would never give an ex money. Um, they're your blah, blah, blah. It's your responsibility, don't you think? And now, in the first year, you know, the first while after, you know, especially my father passed, I'd answer the phone. How much money you need? And I would get, dang, not even a high. I'm like, you're not calling me to socialize. You're calling me because I'm your bank. Like, either you want money or you want money, or you wouldn't be on my phone. You've called me zero times and texted me zero times in the last so many billions of years about anything but money. So, what you need? And if I got it, I'll think about giving it to you. And if I ain't got it, she ain't getting it. And uh, there were some people in my life after my parents passed who I didn't exist to anymore. And I said, Okay, that's fair. Nice to meet you, nice to know you. I no longer exist, so peace the fuck out. And I do not try to occupy space with them anymore. You know, the way I was treated after my father died was hard. Not being able to lean on a support system. Like I said, some people told me why, some didn't. And I was ready to turn and walk the fuck away. But my mother said they're mourning, they're hurt. Okay. And then when she was gone, I didn't have to try. Their mourning, their hurt didn't matter to me anymore. I became the walking embodiment of Maya Angelou's quote, and I believed what people showed me. And I found a way to be okay with it because some of it absolutely, completely, and totally hurt. But I love me more, and I refused to be hurt because I allowed someone's disrespect of me, hurt me. I allowed it. No, not anymore. And that was so free. And with that grief, yeah, I absolutely grieve. I I, you know, I had my anger, I have I have my hurt, I still grieve all my losses. I I took all my ills. Um, I cried, but I was also freed. And so if you learn anything from today's episode, this week's episode, it is okay for you to say, you know what, this relationship no longer suits me. I, and whether it's uh it's it's it's a death or it's romantic or whatever, it's okay to say, you know what, this doesn't suit me anymore. I'm gonna take this ale, I'm gonna cry, but I am going to take the pleasure in knowing I learned soon enough, and I walked away. Grief comes in many forms, and it's okay to mourn the loss of a person that is still alive. It's okay to say, you know what, I dealt with you only because of my parents and they're gone, so deuce the fuck out of my life forever. Take the fuck you forever's with you, baby. Love it. Don't feel ashamed for accepting where people put you and being okay to be done. Thank you. Like, subscribe, comments, tell me your opinions. I'm here. Bye guys. Hope you enjoy March.