Sexual Maturity

Maturity is not just contraception. 

What about not being able to communicate wants? Needs? Desires? Why exploring what you love in sex is bad? What about one-sided sex shaming where being community dick is ok, but having multiple partners? 

Transcript

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Welcome back to the Can I Brow Your Skin podcast? I am your host, Angelique Clemens. And today we are talking about a subject near and dear to my heart. And I'm going to warn you now, I'm going to overshare. So if you want to know way too much information about my sex life and my sexual past, you're in it for treats because we are going to talk about a lot of it. And then we're going to give some examples about from some of my friends' lives. But the topic I want to talk about is sexual maturity. So for most parents, they don't honestly have a conversation about sexual maturity with their children outside of the fact that you shouldn't have sex until you think that you're ready. And two, when you have sex, when you think that you're ready, make sure you protect yourselves. And that is generally it. I will tell you that I had those two conversations. And that was pretty much the extent of it. But there is a whole besides sexual maturity. Like I had an adult body at the age of 12. Um, I was not socially an adult at the age of 12. Honestly, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think that I was mature enough for the amount of, not even the amount, the kinds of sexes I was having until I was like 30. And it's not saying that I wasn't actually a mature person and I did not think about the things that I was doing and I wasn't making conscious decisions to do those things. It's more about the fact that looking back on my time in college now as a 40-something year old person, if I could go back in time, I would do things differently. And one of them is I honestly I didn't effectively communicate my wants. Like I would, I knew what I liked, and I told people what I liked. I told people what I did not like. But when it came to certain relationships, I was not honest with myself about what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Like I was physically very present in all of my interactions. Mentally, I was in the moment, and then I was like, oh, maybe I should say this, maybe I should do that. Oh, I can't do this, oh, I can't do that. And the idea that I was willing to give my physical self to someone, but afraid to say certain things is baffling to me now as a 40-something year old woman. Um and the huge example. I had a huge crush on someone when I was in college. Still have a huge crush on them, if I'm gonna be honest. Um and I I believe actually I know that it was mutual back in the day because there was some petting. And there were lines that weren't crossed for fear of losing a friend. And I still have that fear of losing a friend, though I don't believe that we are as close as we used to be. But, and I I think the reason why we're not as close as we used to be is because I was so afraid to lose the friendship that I was not as open and honest as I should have been. And I still have that regret. Like, and if I'm being honest, and this is a total TMI, when I am spending time alone with myself, exploring myself, I do still think about the situation because it wonderful, wonderful person. Still talk, but it it definitely was not what it could have been, and honestly, in my opinion, it was not what it should have been. Similarly, and this was a non-sexual interaction, but it just kind of shows, you know, immaturity from a mental standpoint. So I went to college in the mid-90s, and back then there were not cell phones, um, there wasn't free long distance, and so when you want to keep in touch with someone, you wrote letters, like literal snail mail letters. And I was a pen pal with wonderful dude, and still a wonderful dude, and we kept in touch literally all summer, wrote each other letters, like every at least once a week, I got a letter, and same for him. And when we got back to school, after all the talking, there was absolutely emotions there. But because I had previous experience with not being explicit enough and you know, deteriorating a relationship, I went I went 180 in the other direction. I was like, I need explicit language. And you know how you were a kid and used to write the letter. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Yes or no? I was looking for that. And it was the stupidest, silliest shit for me to be looking for after we spent all summer talking about absolutely everything. And we were standing at each other's faces, like grinning like Cheshire cats. And the topic was brought up. Well, do you want to be like these two people who everyone knew was dating? And I'm like, Well, what do you mean? And the question the question was repeated, you know, like those guys. And I'm like, nope, I don't know. What do you mean? And instead of saying, Do you want to be my girlfriend, yes or no? I got, never mind. And I'm like, wait, no. Because I really wanted to be like those two people, but I refused to say, yes, I put myself out on this limb and get hurt. And that person felt like they were putting themselves out on this limb and they were hurt by the situation. And looking back on it, I'm just like, huh, I could have had a really good relationship with this person because I knew we already had so much in common because we were talking for months about so many things, but I was so afraid to saw at this, you know, to be on this ledge, sawing myself down that I lost a potential relationship. And I think, like for me, and this is hilarious, the worst example for me in college of my immaturity around just relationships in general and sex was I had a sexual experience with this person, and it was probably some of the best sex I've ever had in my entire life to this day. Um, total TMI. And this was someone who I was friends with, lusted after four months, and they knew about it, and finally got up the courage to actually do something physical. And literally in the middle of the do, my brain's back like bouncing off all over the place. And you know, you have when you lust after someone, you have these fantasies, and you're replaying all these things that you wanted to do, and now you're in the middle of doing these things, and you know, I'm like bent over, back arched, like bracing for the next show, bust out laughing. And so this is like as the person fucking me, the last thing you want from the person you're fucking to be laughing, and so they're like, What's so funny? Like, what's what what's going on? And it didn't help that not only was I laughing, but because we were friends, this person knows that the girls get together, we discuss sexual experiences, we tell details because we were young, you tell details, and if something's not great, you're gonna laugh about it and tell your friends. So I'm laughing, and I wasn't laughing at the experience because it was, again, some of the greatest sex I've ever had in my life, but I'm laughing at the fact that all the things to a T I imagined happening were happening. And in my head, I'm like, I could not have imagined this situation any better than what's going on right now. And I'm just like overwhelmed and I'm laughing. And so he's like, What's funny? And instead of saying, you know, I imagined it like this, and it's even better than what I imagined, or say, dude, I would be on call for this dick. I said nothing. I was like, nothing, nothing's funny, and I laughed again. Man, this man thought that I was one, laughing at him, laughing at his his performance, two was gonna go back and tell my friends that you know this was trash and oh my god. And so he got up in his feelings, or three, just like I don't know what three could have been, but it was like all these negative scenarios are going on in his head, all these positive scenarios are going on in my head, complete disconnect, and like it was like the like what do you call it? It was like the worst. It went from the best experience to the worst experience, all in the turn of a laugh. And you know, and it was funny because not only did I I not only did I lose like this person as a sexual partner, he didn't want to be friends anymore. I lost the our common group of friends because he was so afraid that I was gonna say something negative about him. So then not only could I I didn't say anything negative, there was nothing negative to say, but also couldn't say anything positive because why am I gonna give compliments to somebody I don't talk to anymore? It was so bad. And even to this day, thinking about it, I laugh because I like I can see this, what was going on in my head very vividly right now at this moment. And and that was the worst for me because whether I'm talking about, you know, I'm trying not to say names. Um, so whether I'm talking about the the person who I wanted more and didn't like every situation, it was me wanting more, be being afraid to actually speak up. And you know, whether it was the person I wanted to date, or the person I want, you know, at least go on a date with, or the person I actually wanted to be my boyfriend, or the person who I wanted to be on call for his dick, um, all of those scenarios are because I was not mature enough in that situation to actually have that conversation to say, you know, this is what I'm thinking. I'm embarrassed to say it. Um, so what? So and and and it's and it's sad, and it's it's sad at this point in my life, you know, looking back 20 years and and saying to my 25 years actually, and saying to myself, like, you know, things could be really different if, if, if, if, if. And if it's so defeatist, I don't like, you know, doing the what if, but it was one of those situations where I can look back and see that yes, I communicated horribly. And not that I was, and in some situ, in some ways of looking at it, I definitely was not mature enough to be in those situations because I couldn't communicate what was actually going on in my head. And some of it too was socializing because as a female in the 90s, um, it was not really acceptable for you to be, I don't want to for you to be overly sexual, not for you to like now you got you know whack on the radio, and you're talking about, you know, females are talking about eat this, eat that, lick this, lick that. And that wasn't the case in the 90s. In the 90s, it was women were prim and proper, and it was the men saying raunchy things, and the girls go, Oh my gosh, not the raunchiness. And I'm in my head saying, I want to say and do raunchy stuff, but it's not socially acceptable for me to say and do raunchy stuff, which you know, in hindsight, I have so few fucks to give now in my life, and I'm just so much me. You can accept me, you can hate me, your opinion doesn't matter. That I wish I was so confident and strong enough in myself back then as I am now. And I I and I think that came with me growing up and becoming more mature, and then that leads me to the topic of the fact that sex shaming is still so very one-sided, even with WAPs and you know, butt-eaten and BBLs and all this other shit that it's now acceptable for women to want. Like you can see, like there's the naked dresses where people are walking around in thongs and pasties and sheer outfits, and you know, like all that's acceptable now. Women can be out here and doing whatever they want, but you still get the woman who, you know, there's always that imaginary number that's floated out in the air, and you don't know what that number is for whoever. But and it doesn't matter if you're in a heterosexual relationship, a homosexual relationship, or if you're bisexual, as a woman, there's still a number that you have to be at or under, or you're a hoe, you're a slut. But a guy can be out here being community dick and it's okay. And so then it's like, why is there not the converse? Why is it okay to be community dick, but it's not okay for you to be experienced sexual, be a community coochie? Um like, why is that not okay? And you know, I I have no opinion one way or the other. If you want to, you know, be in the streets and be for the streets, male or female, do that, just be safe. Um, but I don't think that sex shaming should be okay either way. I think that what two consenting adults do in their bedroom or on their sidewalk or in their car is their business. And I don't think that anyone should be shamed for their interactions. And so I think that that too came with maturity and came over time because there were times where you know you would approach a relationship wanting to know, well, what's the number you don't want to, you don't want to hear because it's either you like the number or you don't like the number. There's no no negotiating with the number. And everyone, and then there's also the who who can't you be with? Because there are some, like, for example, there are men who look down on other men if they've been with a sex worker, like a stripper. And then there's like always the the whole idea that the night before you get married, you hire the dude a stripper and he's supposed to bed said stripper, whether it's oral, digital, or um penetrate sex. There's all you know, that was like the old stereotype back in the day. And then there's like the idea that, you know, they don't, you know, on the converse, you know, I think they have like thunder down under and chippandales and things like that. Now, I think those all came up in the 80s, but that wasn't the expectation for a bachelorette party. Supposed to go to tea or some dumb shit. I didn't either. Um, so you know, there there's all these double standards and there's stereotypes. And I think as people become more mentally mature and with, you know, as they grow when it comes to sex, I think a lot of those conversations should, you know, and those stereotypes should just dissolve. And I think, and I think my examples are a great way of saying, yeah, I myself, you know, when I started having sex, and as I progressed through my my sex life and started doing more things, I can definitely point at the time where I was like, yeah, now I'm mature enough mentally, because I can have all these conversations that I actually want to have that I was afraid to have 10 years ago. And it's funny because when I was writing for this episode, I definitely looked back at my sex life and I had those three glaring examples. And, you know, I won't say any of them are regrets, but they are definitely those things where I say to myself, huh? Boy oh boy, were you not who you are? Because I've never been a person that honestly cared too much what people thought about me. I've always been me and pretty unapologetically me. Um, but I definitely, for probably about six years of my life, wanted to make sure I was liked. And now I don't give a fuck if people liked me. So it's a good thing. It's it's so freeing. And I I and I think that's one of the main thesis in my book, Can I Borrow Your Skin? Is the fact that you shouldn't have to borrow other people's opinion of you and take that skin from them and put it on for you to be able to be comfortable and be yourself. So if you learn nothing else from this podcast, this is the last episode you, first and last episode you ever hear, know that you should be mature enough in yourself, in your position, in your skin, whether it's with your personality, your sex life, whatever, to be able to say you can't change who I am. I'm who I am. I love me. Take it or leave it. Give zero fucks, people. Thank you so much for listening, watching. I am Angelique Clemens. Like, subscribe, save.