TRIGGER WARNING - Interview with Rape Academy Survivor Amanda Willett Part 1 of 3

TRIGGER WARNING

62 million visit and so few victims know or come forward. Sex trafficking and how hard to be believed when you escape. Why must you fight to be heard? Discussing her journey to become a forensic nurse after not being believed.

Part 1 of 3

TRIGGER WARNING

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to the Can I Brow Your Skin podcast? I am your host, Angeli Clemens, and we're going to end May with a conversation on human trafficking. Now, the rest of May was while some of the topics were very serious, this is probably one of the most serious topics I will cover all year. But it's an important topic. And human trafficking is considered modern-day slavery. Most people hear human trafficking, they immediately think sex work is sex trafficking, but there's also labor traffic human trafficking as well. This is a staggering number to me. Almost 25 million people worldwide are a victim of human trafficking. 77% of those guys are forced labor. Now, when you get down to then the 20%, 23% of them that are sex trafficked, 78% of them are girls and women. And of that 78%, 92% of them are adults. And so we're looking at a fairly large percentage of adult women who are sex trafficked. And it's it's a staggering amount. While there's no US specific numbers, the worldwide stats are fairly consistent over time. And the reason why I'm talking about this today, uh, I'm as a forensic toxicologist, one of the things that I do tests for are people who are victims of drug-facilitated crimes. And a large amount of those drug-facilitated crimes are sexual assaults and sexual abuse. And today I'm actually being joint remotely with a forensic nurse by the name of Amanda Willett. And the reason why I'm talking to Amanda today is because she is a victim of sex trafficking. And her journey with trying to be heard is what led her to her career change to become a forensic nurse. I I want to welcome Amanda here and we'll talk with Amanda. Okay, so as I said uh in my previous recording to set this up, I am joined by Amanda, who is a survivor of sex trafficking. And as much as I spoke about you in my introduction recording, I would never do it justice. Uh, all the amazing things that I know about you. So, Amanda, I'm gonna go ahead and give you a chance to introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Angelique, I appreciate this opportunity. Um, I'm just now coming into being vocal about the things that I've survived coming forward, sharing my story. Um I am, what can I say? I'm a single mom. I'm in San Antonio, Texas. I am a labor and delivery nurse. I am a 100% disabled veteran. I have gone to war for this country. Yes. Um, I uh I'm a single mom of three boys who I store like active mom boy mom through and through. And I I feel the need to preface this story by saying these things. And this has been my fight for the past 1,121 days in trying to get justice because of the ways that I have been treated, because of the ways that I have my my the crimes that were committed against me have been dismissed, minimized. Um, I I really just I want to get into it and I want to talk about all this stuff.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

So love it. So let's jump right in. And one of the things I want to first talk about is the fact that your crimes are dismissed. And we've spoken about this on previous episodes of my podcast. Me myself being a victim of sexual assault, not just from someone I knew, but also by a physician. It is so common, unfortunately, for victims of sexual assault to be dismissed. And I would love for you to talk about one, your journey to get justice. And then we'll we'll take a step back and talk about the crime and the science later. But I want to I want to give you a space to talk about the fact that as a victim, you are usually the one put on trial when you go to report.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Absolutely. The burden of proof is continuously placed back on the victim. Um I I believe that I have a unique scenario where I'm I'm pushing 50 years old. I have enough life experience to know good systems. Thank you. But I I have this is this is one of my main talking points because I have enough life experience. I, you know, I have a prior military career, I know how to go up chains of command, I know how to navigate around a lot of the BS that you're gonna encounter. And I can honestly say, and when you find out the details of the things that I have survived, this is a pretty bold statement. And I can say this, I'm saying it with my chest. I don't know what has been worse. The things that were done to me on the back end by criminals or the ways that I have been treated by people in paid positions to help. And um, this has been the most dehumanizing experience that I have ever encountered in my life. Um that says a lot. Yeah, I've I've been through a lot of things. I have been through a lot of hard things. I have um I'm very well versed in making it through really hard things. And um this has almost taken me out at times. Um, and it's been it's been three years. It's, I mean, I count. And and there's this is one of the first things that I want to say. I counted days because this feels like a prison sentence. And I need for people to understand. If you go back and you look at my social media posts, I'm always, you know, whatever I did post when I finally got you know enough courage or the bravery, everything. Like, I don't know if you've if people fully understand what it takes to come out and start speaking about these things, given the way that society receives, you know, and looks at us. And um, and it it's just been this has been my experience that I count the days because this feels like purgatory or something. Like I am trapped in this crazy long isolation isolation season where I know exactly, and let me make this clear first and foremost, I know exactly what was done to me. I know it's not, I'm not searching for validation, I'm not searching for people to get on my side, and believe me, I am here to share my story, and my story is powerful.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

And um that yeah, yeah. You you are a beacon for other people who've been through it. And I think for me, that's one of the reasons why I finally said I I've gone through this as well. Like I was I was um sexually assaulted by an uncle when I was in high school, um, senior year in high school, and I was lucky that it was um not penetrative. Um, but then you get to college and you know, frat party this is, and then dealing with what I dealt with with a physician when I was going through a medical crisis, to have that courage because one, you walk into it knowing that Olivia Benson and Stabler and like those that is a wonderful program, and it has absolutely helped more women step up. But let's be clear it's not like that. You don't have police officers holding your hand and hugging you tightly and on your side and you know, banging tables for you. You're the one sitting in that room telling your story, crying, and having them say, Are you sure? Are you sure? Give me proof. And it's one of those things where it is it is hard. Like I and my husband can attest to this. I was like, I walked out, I was crying, I was like, fuck this shit, we're leaving. And I I was one of those people, I'm still one of those people that I am baffled by the way that as a police department it's handled. And as a taxpayer, this is what we allow. So, you know, and I I I I am aware of your story, and you went through so many more leaps and bounds than I did too. I did like I I went to the local police department, I reached out to the hospitals, and after hitting brick wall, hitting brick wall, I said, fuck it, and I gave up. Yeah, you you didn't do that, and I I am so amazing. You are admirable for fighting for yourself. So let's walk through that.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Thank you. And that the way that you described it is exactly what it feels like when you try to navigate getting justice for the things that were done. Like I'm I'm the victim here. These things were done to me. I didn't ask for any of this. And and the crimes that were committed against me, it's not just some little petty, no, these are. I have, I'm just gonna come out and say this that it wasn't just um I am a I am a survivor of the rape academy.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

I was drugged long term by the man that I consider to be my boyfriend, the man that I loved and trusted. Um, and you want to know how it happens? I can tell you exactly how it happens. I can and and that's one thing that I can't wait to get into with you. And this is this is where my journey into forensics nursing has come into play because I refuse, I refuse to be the the amount of doors that have been slammed in my face.

SPEAKER_00 9:56

And let's talk about those doors and then we'll pivot to what actually happened because I love I I love that you can stand up and say, you know, I too was a victim of Rape Academy, and we'll talk about that because it is currently in the news, and you know, a lot of people didn't know it existed. I'll be honest with you. I I as as a survivor, I didn't know it existed. And when that story broke, I was like, son of a bitch. So you you you went through every chain of command you could go through, and I I commend you, and I can clearly tell by the lengths that you went that you're military. You were like, Okay, okay, okay, so talk about next.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Yeah, um waking up, and and there's there I want to get into it more, we will, but waking up and realizing, and it was a slow wake up, um, but you run to all the places, and and this is what I want to really, really hit home because you run to all the places that we're trained to go to from a very early age.

unknown 11:00

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

There are three places that we're trained as little kids. If you're ever in trouble, time of emergency, of crisis, if somebody is coming for you, or if you know you need help, you can go and it doesn't matter what it is, you can go to one of these three places and you are gonna get help. You're gonna get the help that you need. And there is this myth that you know, we what I watch first 48, we watch SVU, we watch all these shows where it's like, oh wow, these things happen. And then there are detectives, there's people in place who are gonna actually investigate. You would think that an investigator, like part of your your job title, it's in the job title of what you're supposed to be doing, and you would think that some sort of investigation would have been would have been done. And I first of all, it was a fight, even with mounds of evidence and the fact that nobody is doing anything about this, and I am still fighting for justice, and just talking about the the walls that you you talk about running into brick walls, this is exactly what it feels like. Every single time that I would go um to one of these organizations thinking this time somebody's gonna listen to me. This time I'm making it this I have what this journey for me looked like was first of all, um, you know, running to the police, I had to beg and beg and beg for them to do anything other than a police report.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

I presented from the very from the jump, I have evidence that needs to be tested. Right. I have a lot of evidence. Um, I was drugged and some really horrible things happened to me. Right. And I was told by police, this is I'm in San Antonio, Texas. And if you understand um the demographics of what goes on down here, um, there's a lot. This is a very big hub for sex trafficking. Okay. And so it kind of with it in understanding that you would expect law enforcement to move a little bit different. Because there was, especially early on, it took me, it took me, it took me eight months after the initial, you know, big huge impact for me to even understand, oh wow, I why would the man that I was in love with who had access to me, who could have sex with me whenever he wanted to, why would he have been drugging me? Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

You start asking questions, and it's and that's where the whole rape academy thing comes in. And for those who don't know, um in in March of February, March of 2026, uh, there was a big story that was broke by CNN, and it came out that this woman, Giselle, over in France, learned that her husband was going to this porn site. And when you go to this porn site, there's a whole site within this porn site, and it's it was motherless.com, I believe is what it morphed into. And there were men, husbands, boyfriends, etc., that were drugging their significant others so that they themselves, and or they themselves and other men could have sex with her without her knowledge. And um this website got tens of thousands of views every single month, and so it was absolutely despicable. And the the woman herself, Giselle, who helped break this case, um, it was proven that she was um raped. So sex was being had with her without her knowledge over 200 times by 70 different men, including her husband. And he was advocating for this. And not only did he advocate for this, he was actually posting self-help tips. Like, if you give this or if you do that, if you do this, you could do that, um, you'll be more successful. And there was even a part of um this rape academy where they were suggesting different substances to use and the durations and how to use it, and how how you would go about raping your spouse or your significant other. And it got so bad that they were actually posting videos of of these sex acts, which is one of the reasons why people started to get prosecuted. I know that there have been prosecutions in France and in Poland and um a few other places in the EU. I don't believe that there's been any arrests or prosecutions that started to happen here in the US, which is bullshit to me because the US were there were a lot of um just on IP addresses, there were a lot of people visiting the site in the United States, and um it was it's it still bothers me. And you know, when this started to break in February and March and in April, here we are at the end of May, and their IP addresses. There, there were CNN is an American-based news station, and they've been able to prove that Americans not only have been visiting this site, but they've been posting to it. And so you have to ask if all these other countries, I know North Africa places in Northern Africa have done prosecutions. Um, I know Australia, there have been some prosecutions in the country continents of Australia. So as you start to see more and more places, one ban the site, two, start to prosecute people on this site. Where's America?

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Where's America?

SPEAKER_01 16:32

I'm gonna tell you where we're at and I'm gonna tell you what I've discovered. And yeah, let me let me just um I also I feel like I need to throw this out there that I thank God I had a team of professionals. When when everything first happened, I couldn't be left alone. I am terrified out of my mind of the things that I've survived. And I thank God that I have had some amazing people in my life to help me heal from this. And now it's taken three years, it's been over three years now, where I can finally come forward, tell my story with 100% certainty. Nobody can come tell me a thing about anything that I have survived and the things that I have been through. This is my story, it's powerful, it needs to be talked about. And going to you know, the the rape academy, the motherless.com, the 6.2 million. I don't I don't know if people understand 6.2 million, 62 million. Your decimal ball. 62 million, 62 million hits and and people discussing these things. Yeah, and that but this is the thing that um like one of the things that we need to talk about, this is happening right up underneath your nose. Right here, right here, and you don't have to go to these underground websites to go to go look for this. This is not dark web. This is no, it's right here.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

Let's talk about what happened to you.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Um, in a nutshell, and I am I have a a forthcoming book.

SPEAKER_00 18:06

Yes, yeah, so what you want to share because first and foremost, I I I would love, love, and I love the fact that you are talking about your book here now because we don't have enough information out there for women to talk about like we we train young girls, and I was one of the young girls, you know, dress a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way, don't go around that family member, don't go around this person, don't be left alone with that person. And you know, there are a lot of influencers right now say the onus should be on people training the boys, but it's not, it's always on the young girl. Don't show your stomach, don't show your lead, don't you know, don't flirt with the guy you like because he might take it the wrong way. You might want to hold hands, he might want more. Like, I I love the fact that not only are you writing a book and talking about your experiences, but in that book, and also today, you're saying this is what it felt like for me. This is, and we're gonna get specifically into some medications and into some of the drug testing and what things look like. And I'm here for it. We're gonna hurt out today. I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Yeah, yeah. So, um, in a nutshell, and I'm I'm I go into full detail, and when I say full detail, full disgusting, intimate details of the things that I have survived, and I can come forward, and uh that shame doesn't belong to me. I through through through my healing, I've that's not mine to hold. That's somebody else's to hold. And I'm and by the time that I'm done with doing everything that I'm doing, right? It's no here, take this. This is not mine to hold. It's not mine, it's not mine, and it's not mine. Yeah. Um I got involved with a man that I had known for a while. Um, to me, he felt like a well-respected person in my community, uh, somebody that I could trust. We had a history. Um 2021, we got we entered into a romance, a romantic relationship. Um and from the jump, I know, I know, and I there's when you read my book, you'll understand all of the details and how everything just was intertwined. Um he was drugging me without my knowledge or consent. Wow. From the jump. From the jump. From the jump. And um a lot of the things, this is this is what I'm so happy that you and I are here and you can kind of shed some light on the forensics part of it. I'm just coming, I'm just coming to this fight. And I don't care how long it takes. Like, I have no problem confront, you know, confronting anybody, calling people out. And that's exactly what I'm doing. And by writing my book, by sharing my story, by going public and speaking about the things that were done to me, um, I am number one, I'm reclaiming my power. Yes, and and number two, I know that enough. Yeah, but I am this is what you're doing. You're stopping to bleed, you are exposing the evil that is happening right where it stands. And I love that. By the time that I'm done doing everything that I'm doing, the everyone is gonna know the things that these men did to me.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Yeah, and I love that. Yeah, absolute accolade standing on the chair clapping for you, I'm here for it. Thank you. I absolutely love that. So let's talk, Sue, and I I apologize for cutting you off. You had the evidence, you went up that chain of command, and you hit every brick wall there was to hit. And because you did not have people listening to you, and you still have the evidence, which I love. People don't realize there's some things which Like, and I think I talked about this before in one of my episodes, with your half-life. Yeah, there are some things that have very quick half-lives, which is why they are used for sexual assaults. Drug facilitates sexual assault is what it's called. DFSA. They have very, very quick sexual assaults, and that's why they're used for that. But your but that's only in urine. Um, so you can actually test um drugs in several mediums. So most people know about urine, they know about breath because of roadside breath testing. Some of them know about saliva because you can use saliva on on roadsides, but you can do hair in a living person. You do vitreous, which is the eyeball jelly, and people who are no longer living. You can do stomach content and both living and non-living people, you can do liver testing, and they usually only do that in the deceased because it is painful to get a liver sample, but you can get a liver sample. Pretty much anywhere you can biopsy, you can biopsy to get a drug sample. So they have this thing called drug distribution. So depending on how the drug acts in the body, it can redistribute in certain areas. That's usually only commonly studied in what's called post-mortem testing or looking at dead people. And that's very common when you have a crime, and it could be a drug-facilitated crime, it could be um an accident on the roadside, it could be an overdose. There's a lot of different ways where they will test the contents of a deceased person. And so that's where you get into some of that post-mortem redistribution. And I wanted to mention that because uh luckily Amanda's still alive, but she is going to talk about her testing on some different matrices, is what we call it. So hair's a matrix, blood's a matrix, oral fluid is a matrix, and there is a difference between saliva and oral fluid, and I'm not gonna nerd out that hard. So we're just gonna say taking from the mouth. Um, you urine, obviously, you can get certain cells. You can actually scrape certain cells. Usually it's the mouth, but you can do um for most drug-facilitated crimes, they will take cells from the vagina as well. And so we're gonna talk about that. So floor back to Amanda. So you got yeah, some and obviously drug paraphernalia as well. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

Yeah, and so um this is another issue. That how does this happen, right? Um, this man and I have relied heavily. I have PTSD, I've been to war, I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life and not on any medication, thank God. Oh, wow. Yeah, congratulations on that. Thank you. But I relied heavily on cannabis um for you know at night to be able to sleep through the night. Um PTSD stuff. And so this guy and I bonded on that early on. And so understanding that that was absolutely an avenue where, believe it or not, we does get laced. Police want to say that it doesn't, um, people have put this back on me, and I'm gonna get into that in a second. But that was kind of the catalyst for everything. And so, over a two-year course relationship, I was drugged long term without my knowledge or consent. Um, and I believe that now, like not only am I survived a survivor, I am a medical professional. I have clinical knowledge and understanding of pathophysiology, of pharmacology, and you know, everything that I experienced, I can now put um medical jargon, the terms, you know, all the terminology to it. To understand exactly what I went through. And so um leading up to what happened when everything came to a halt on the 25th of April 2023, I was assaulted. He assaulted me, and that was bad enough in and of itself. Uh, broken nose, blunt head trauma, concussion, bruises, and scratches all over. I fought back. Yes, I fought back. I have a story to tell, and it's powerful.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Um, just too because not everyone who listens to this is going to be a medical professional. She got a lot of bruising and scratches. She got hit in the head enough where her brain actually went back and forth, and the brain itself actually bruised and needed time to heal. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

So there was that was one thing that was the assault. Yes. But the next day on the 26th of April 2023, I was murdered. And I say that because um this was he absolutely came back and tried to take my life. And uh I am a survivor of a near-death experience where I and I can describe it to a T, we can get into that, because I faded away. Yeah, I was um he came through at the end, and there's a reason why. When you understand the whole dynamics of everything, why would he come and try to murder me at the end? I'm gonna get to that in a second. This happened on the 26th, uh, late night hours. Um, and by the grace of God, I woke up on my cold kitchen floor in the early morning hours of the 27th of April 2023, face down. I was completely cyanodic. By the time that I got up to go look at the body. It was turned blue and she had yeah, thank you. I would my face, my skin was blue, my face was blue, my lips were even bluer.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

I have never deprived of oxygen and she was very near death. So your body needs oxygen in order to move the blood. A lot of people don't realize that blood inside the human body is actually blue. And so if your body is actually completely blue, it means that your body is actually not circulating your blood. And so to be synontic, it means your body's not circulating the blood. And the only way the body circulates to blood is for your heart to be. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 28:13

Yeah. So going back to the symptoms that I started, are we? Do you want to get into that now?

SPEAKER_00 28:17

For for the absolutely get into the symptoms of what she felt like when she was near death and when she was drugged. Please, Amanda.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

Yeah, yeah. So going back to the long-term drug, and during the course of the relationship, I believed I was drugged with three substances something to keep my brain fuzzy, um, brain fog off the charts.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

Like I couldn't even so, yeah, let's talk about the symptoms, and we can actually talk about some of the drugs specifically because I actually have some pretty specific idea about what it was, which I don't know if you know, but pretty good.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

Um I'm I'm ready to get to it.

SPEAKER_00 28:55

Um, yeah. So let's talk about some of your symptoms and let's first talk about what happened to you when you were murdered, and then let's go back and talk about some of the symptoms that you felt. So you are on your kitchen floor, you're synodic.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Yeah. Uh came to um immediately. I was just like, I'm still here because I I faded. This let me tell you what it's like to die. Um, and this is a horrible death to die when you it feels like I was drowning above water. Oh wow. My airway. In the moment, this is how I described it. This is how I described it in police reports and everything that I have shared with law enforcement, um, everything that I have written down. I have journaled throughout this entire process. Um I it's it's crazy how it happened, but initially there was um hallucinations. Okay. Um it felt like buckets of water started pouring out of the top of my head. I'm looking, I'm in my bedroom, and the the colors on my duvet cover started coming to like to life and coming up off the duvet cover. I'm seeing them flow. I'm understanding in the moment that I'm hallucinating.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

I don't understand what's happening. My vision got extremely blurry. Okay. Um at this point, I'm I was getting ready for bed. I had gone outside. The assault happened on the 25th. Um, it was the night of the 26th, and I'm just trying to take the edge off just so I can go. I go back and I'm like, I'm just gonna roll up a little baby joint, just smoke a little bit, just to take the edge off and be able to sleep. Um, I need to go to the hospital tomorrow. I I knew I needed he broke my nose. I heard it when it happened. I knew, you know, the my injuries, I needed to go get checked out. But also, my at that time, 13-year-old son was upstairs asleep. And so, me being the practical mom, of course, this is what, especially single moms, is what we do. We put our children ahead of us, we put everybody ahead of us. Right. And um, I'm like, I'll just I'll go tomorrow. So, what do I do? I'm I'm gonna go, I go to this, the, the little, you know, stash box of keep everything locked up in in a certain area, and I go and he had wiped me, wiped me clean, like when he left of everything except for there was a very small amount of cannabis still left, already ground up, swept off to the side in like a little line. And it was something inside of me saying, Don't, don't smoke that, girl, you better not smoke that. And then I'm just it's crazy what we brush off. Like, I just almost gonna take the edge off. I go outside. When I tell you, and my tolerance, just so you know, he and I, I mean, we were smoking a lot of weed together. And so my tolerance for cannabis was already like through the roof. I literally, I went outside, I listened to one Alex Isley song. I looked up at the stars, I'm crying. It was one song, and that was all I needed. I probably took maybe like four puffs. I didn't even want to smoke, I just wanted to take the edge off so I can go to sleep. And I go back inside. I am going to like wash my face, get ready for bed. Um, I am texting back and forth with my oldest son because I needed my kids to know the assault happened. And if he tries to come back around, he's not welcome. Blah, blah, blah. And as my son and I are texting, that's when all these symptoms started. And so this is about 15 minutes after I smoked. I'm back inside. The hallucinations, I'm recognizing immediately, I'm taking note of what's happening in my body. I have um, I have, like I've mentioned before, I've been through a lot of really hard things. I am very good at staying really, really calm in some really crazy, crazy situations. Well, yeah, you run war. Yeah, yeah. I've I've been through some things. And so I know how to talk my mind, I know how to calm myself down. Um, this is important for the ways that I was treated later on. It's important to take note of that because then what do I notice? My heart rate is beating out of my chest.

SPEAKER_00 32:46

So you're having palpitations, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

I mean, heart racing, but my breathing became more and more shallow. And I started realizing, like, oh my God, I'm not, I'm trying to breathe like normally, and I can't get oxygen. Um my breathing is getting really shallow. So I'm sitting down. I'm what do you do? You know, I'm like, oh, let me focus just right now, calm down. I don't know what's going on. Um, there's some things that happened, um, and I'm gonna save some of this stuff for the book, right? But it was some back and forth with I really went at at some point it progressed to the point where it literally, and this is how I described it initially before I I went to nursing school. Now I can describe it in a completely different way. Let's use let's let's use the non-nursing school because while I'm a physician and you're a nurse, not all my people are it um it felt like you know, you you see scenes on a spaceship where they gotta go into one chamber and they wait for a door to close and then they can go into the other chamber and it's completely cut off. My oxygen was completely cut off. This was not me having um an asthma attack, a panic attack. This was not me um you know shut down. My I was not getting any oxygen whatsoever into my lungs. What do you do in a situation like this when I can't speak? I immediately the things that went through my head of you go into life preservation, right? And um, I tried some interventions. I tried, I really I was like on some.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

You were using your military training to try to focus to stay alive.

SPEAKER_01 34:27

Yes, I was. And I don't know how long it took. Um, I'm suspecting a couple minutes, if that uh before I got so weak in my last attempt to, you know, I was trying different things. And in my last attempt, my body became so weak I couldn't even lift a cup up. Um I was trying trying to have some some grape juice. Um, I don't know why my sugar, like maybe if I get some sugar, it'll it'll help. I couldn't even I couldn't even lift the cup up to take a drink. And I faded away into I I describe it, and this is important for me to talk about because this is such a huge part of my story that I can't leave this out. I faded away into a void of nothingness, and I had an encounter with God.