Sick and Tired
Empowering women during life’s transitions.
Sick and Tired
Late Dating
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Dating After Loss and Divorce.
Two Dynamic Ladies, sharing their stories of dating after a loss of a spouse and divorce. They share their healing journeys.
#SickandTired #YouAreEnough # healingjourney #latedating
Introducing Dr. Jan, speaker, healing coach, podcast leader, educator, Dr. Jan Bell, the advocate for the sick and tired. Hey, welcome back to the Sick and Tired Podcast, where we are on the journey of empowering women as they're going through their lives transitions. And I am Dr. Jan Bell. Thank you for showing up and being with us again. Today we're going to talk about dating, and we're going to talk about late dating. So as we're talking about late dating, just let me explain it a little bit. It's for women who are dating ages 40 plus, 50s, 60s, 70s. And sometimes in those conversations, we know about persons that are doing that, but we never talk about it. We never actually sit down and talk about it. But today we are. So I have two friends together with me today, and we're going to talk about dating. So I'm going to I'm going to ask um Don to kind of tell me a little bit about her, and then you, Kelly, and I'm going to let y'all talk.
SPEAKER_00Okay, great. My name is Don Redman, and um I was married for 25 years, and my husband suddenly passed. Um, and so I found myself in a situation of trying to figure out my figure what's new again and how to live my life again. Um, we raised two beautiful children together, so that also has been taken into consideration in my dating world. So thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_03Yes. My name is Kelly Abdullah Teeth, and I was married for 21 years, and um we had five but beautiful children, and um then I'm looking forward to talking about this journey with my friends.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm excited too. Of course, you guys know that uh I was I was married for 47 years before I got a divorce, and um the whole purpose of us just trying to talk today, hopefully there will be someone out there that will hear our stories and know that you're not alone and that uh we we have a commonality, something that's common. So I am uh I'm really excited about um talking, and I'm gonna start with uh Don because and Don has a book uh that she spent time talking about her journey as a widow, and I'm gonna give you a chance to talk a little bit about that.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Well, I was asked to be a part of this book as a part of my healing journey, um, which of course is I think important for all of us, whether you're going through divorce or going through loss. Um, it was an opportunity that I don't I don't think I knew I needed, but I really did need it. Um so I together with 10 other ladies put together this book called Telling Our Stories, and it is the strength in the storm widow's story of grace and hope. So 10 widows come together and talk about their experiences, and we all have different time frames that make we've been widowed. Um, some had been widowed for over 40 years, and some this recently has two years. Um, so each story is beautiful and different, but this was very important to me because it kind of helped me work through who I was, where I was going, what I need to work on, um, and even what I need to work on as far as dating. So it's important. So yeah. So this book is available for anyone who is going through the healing journey of being a widow or knows a widow. So well, Kelly, so you've been divorced how long?
SPEAKER_02Um three years. Three years. Almost four. Okay, almost four years.
SPEAKER_01And and so we are you know talking about getting back out there, uh, you know, and meeting um new people.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01So before I begin to talk about the new journey, um, let's talk about um, you know, there there's a difference, and you know, I'm here to to to even be a witness. We were um we were married for so long, but before that we dated, right? Right? Yes, and and so the dating world then is it different for you now? Yeah. And and kind of talk about how different is that for you, and just you know, it just let's talk a little bit about how we were dating in, you know, back in the in the day. In the day, yeah, and how it's changed for us today.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, that's so that's a great question. So I think you know, back in the day before I was married, at that time I was in my 30s. And when you're in your 30s, you have goals, you know. I want to have a family, I want to have a house, you know, just follow the the structure, like how it's supposed to turn out. So, you know, I have to the guy has to be the right guy, he has to have these things. He, you know, look for security, you're looking for someone you're attracted to, looking to someone who would be a great dad, you know, all of these traits that this perfect man has to have. So um, when I was dating at that time, it was very important to me to find a man that I wanted to have a family with. So um, and you know, I never had the list of the perfect man, but I knew what he needed to make me feel like, how I needed to feel safe, and how he needed. I also I was very much into my career at that time, and I knew that when I got married, I wanted to like that have a back seat. So it was important for me to find a man that knew my worth without me having to go out and prove it. So, you know, a lot of people you hear, oh, she doesn't want to work, she's you know, what's wrong with her? I'm like, you know, I can do this by myself. I've already bought my house, I have all the things. So if I'm with a man, he needs to have those things and I want to be an asset to him and really just focus on the family. So that was back in the day, so it was very intentional, you know. Contrast that with now, my goals in dating, I'm not looking for a specific person to do a specific thing in my life. I think part of the healing journey after divorce is coming to understand I'm alone and how am I providing my safety, how am I providing my happiness, and also making sure that there's you know, whatever happens in a divorce, making sure that you only leave love with it, you know. So having love for my ex-husband, having so that my kids can love. So, you know, keeping that whole structure intact. So whoever I have in my life now, it's just something to have fun. Um, not looking for the next husband. I'm not, I don't have this expectation of the perfect guy. It's just, and you know, different guys are good at different things, you know. So I might have one I want to go to the movies with, there's one I want to go to concerts with, there's one I want to watch TV with. So, you know, you don't have to bring everything because that can pull from lots of places to get the needs met. Um, so so it's just it's not intentional, it's just for fun and to enhance my life.
SPEAKER_01And I don't think that's important to say.
SPEAKER_03I don't think there's anything wrong with it either, but it's it's kind of looked down upon in some ways.
SPEAKER_01You're like, what's you know, what's wrong with there? So well, don't you think that society does that to us anyways? Absolutely. Especially women. Um, you know, I think that um if there was a different, you know, we were different different people. Our society has said that women are supposed to be a certain way and they're not supposed to think a certain way. But as you as we have gone through our journey and the years of being married or the years of dating, we realize that some things are just not important. You know, they're they're not important. Um and you know, for me it was like the same thing, you know. I got starting, you know, a career, you know, I this I needed someone special as far as my, you know, you know, out of the same in the same world as you know, I have seen the two worlds, but the same world, um, and he's gonna provide me with all these things. I'm gonna provide him because, you know. But then you marry, and um sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not. And I I'll I'll say that marriage is a partnership, and uh, and you know, and you need a partner, you can't have you doing it all, and you know, and and vice versa. So sometimes in life you just decide what's good for you. What's good for you. So, Don, how about you? I mean, uh, you know, I I I I I knew Jeffrey well, and um, you know, and I and this happened quickly for you.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, but I I'll ask you the same question. Um with the dating now versus when we first when you first start dating, um, before before Jeffrey, what's the difference for you?
SPEAKER_00Well, I would say the same thing. My mindset was totally different about what I wanted and who I wanted in my life. Um also we met people organically then. There, you know, I met him when I was training in Minneapolis. I'm random. I don't live in Minneapolis, I didn't at the time. I met him there organically through mutual friends. We don't do that. So the biggest difference is now, um, and I and I'll speak for myself, and maybe it was just a thought I put upon myself, you know, I was a widow. I think people kind of had some hesitation about approaching the widow. You know, are you dating? Is it comfortable? All these kinds of things. So I took it upon myself to try the modern technologies of hey, getting onto the apps just to meet people, just to meet people, and literally just to see what was going on out there. And then and again, the mindset was different because I just wanted to meet people, you know, dinner partners, you know, just have going to concert people, you know, just different people, just to have fun. Um, you know, why not? Yeah, that's what I thought about it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think I I think our whole um attitude toward dating is different. And I think it's because of our experiences today. Yeah. Um, and I think you're right. I mean, I'm I'm the same way. I just want there are just certain things. I don't, you know, it doesn't matter to me if you I've had the cars, I mean I've said it, I've had the houses, I've you know, I've been the mother, the mother at home while the husband is making all the money after all of that. And now for me, I just want to be happy.
SPEAKER_04Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01You know, I just want to find someone that that's gonna make me happy.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, I you know, I'm not looking to be married. I mean, I was looking to be married when I was dating, right? Yeah, well, right, right, right, right. No, it was definitely. Yeah, it was there as my husband.
SPEAKER_00Right, right. But you know, it's it's different now.
SPEAKER_04That's different now.
SPEAKER_00It's different. And I was gonna add when Kelly was talking, you know, you wanted to be chosen, you know, you wanted to be chosen. And I look at it now, okay. Yes, you want someone to like you, but I do the choosing. Yeah, I do the choosing this time around. Who meets my needs, who fits in my space. Um, yeah, just I do the choosing. So it's a it's a much more in control situation now. Um, and I really like the liberation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think um along those lines, I think there is a difference between women who are formerly married, whether widowed or divorced, the way that we date, and then the women who have never experienced that. Yeah. So I always feel very thankful that I did get to experience the whole marriage, the children, the raising, because I don't know what it would be like to be in my 50s and dating. I don't know how I don't know if they're still looking for that guy. I don't know. So I'm I'm very lucky that I don't think of it that way. Yeah, good point.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think that that for us in you know, in the 21st century as women, you know, and we're finding ourselves, we're saying, we can do whatever we would like to do, you know. Um, and society is not going to be able to tell us what we can and cannot do. Um, and so you know, we've had our children, we've met we've married, we've we've had our children, they're you know, grown, they're off to college, they're doing and and our children are doing well. Uh, and now it's time for us to think about us. Right. You know, think about us. So when you're looking for someone um in the dating world, what are some of the things that you're looking for?
SPEAKER_03Um, what am I looking for?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um how do you want to how what what is it that you want this guy to do and treat you? And um how how is that?
SPEAKER_03I want to always feel like I'm the prize. Um, you know, like like I'm the best thing that they've ever experienced, you know, not low best, but like I just want them to make me feel like they're having the time of their life and I'm the reason. Um I know that sounds weird, but that's what I I don't want a person who thinks that that I'm all like excited. I mean I'm excited to be with you, but you know, someone like look um here, you're with me. No, you're with me, going back to you know what Don was saying, we're choosing and um someone that I feel like when I go out, I want it to be a little mini vacation. You know, it's um I want to go out, I want to have a good time. I just want to kind of forget about all the things that I have to do. And I just want to go out and experience a good time in that moment. Um, someone who's not talking about themselves the whole time, someone that has really a good conversation. Um, I want to laugh. Uh, I don't want it to, I don't, I don't like small talk. Like that does very little for me. So um so it doesn't have to, I don't have to tell me his deepest secrets, but I want him to be engaging and have something that I like to learn too. So if they are very different from me and they can expose me to something different, um, I enjoy that. Um, I don't love going out. I'm not like a big foodie, I'm not a big eater, so it's going to be a concert, you know. We can go on a little vacation if you want. Um, but just more experiences. Like I want to just stay in the moment. I don't want somebody who's like pestering me. When are we going out again? I just want somebody to call and say, hey, what are you doing? Oh, let's do this. Is that date good for you? Yes, it's wonderful. Um, so I don't want to talk on the phone for three hours every night. I just want to have little mini vacations that are just fun and then you know build upon that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. That's awesome. I think for me, I and it was probably my situation. I needed someone who got me, like understood that I am widowed and I am hurting. Yeah. Um, and so I may not feel like being bothered. Yeah. And then I may feel like talking all the time. I'm I'm more I like to hang out and have a good time. Um, so I think it was just having someone who made me laugh. Key. I needed to laugh. We have no time to be sitting arguing and talking about work and blah blah blah blah. Let's just laugh. But I like when you said it's like a mini vacation, it's like an escape, you know, just why? Or let's not get together, bicker, argue. We're gonna be not doing that. You know, that's it. We're not tied like that, right? So let's have a good time. That is fundamental. So I just really, and I'm I'm so I'm really open to to experiences too. So hey, good time could be watching the football. And I love you know sports, so I'm good with that. But as long as we're having fun with it, I'm all over it. Dancing, all of it.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, yeah, I'm kind of the same way. I don't, you know, I don't want to spend time arguing. And you know, I I think that's probably some of the reasons why we did a divorce. We don't want, you know, our lives are now full of happiness and and uh playtime. Yeah, I like I'm I'm like you too, I like to hang out and and have a good time. Um and um and what you said was you want someone if the small talk is not important. It's not important to me, and I think and I wonder sometimes is because of my age, you know. I don't, and I don't, and I as I'm talking listening to this, I don't think I've ever been one that was interested in small talk. You know, why? Um you know, I've I've always kind of been an old soul anyway. So, you know, I'm gonna sit there and you know, uh, you know, give me something interesting. Um let's let's talk about what's going on in in our lives, what's going on in the world. Um, but I think that our experiences have brought us to this place where um in our in our in our uh lifespan in the the life that we're in right now, um we just want to just, you know, we we've given so much. So much. Absolutely. We've given so much to you know our families, to our you know, spouses, um, to those that are single, you know, they may have had relationships. And and so finally, after all these years, we we have found ourselves.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_01And I think that's okay.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh at least we found ourselves, you know. I I I I I think about all those, you know, my grandparents, you know, uh, you can think of all those women who stayed with in relationships, not say grandparents, elderly, anybody. Another generation who actually stayed with their spouses because they felt that they couldn't go anywhere else.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_01Or or society says, you know, you gotta stay married or whatever. And they were miserable. Well, I just want to die by myself. I don't want to die when somebody's gonna kill me. Right, you know, just mentally, it's physically and spiritually kill me, you know. Yeah, um, I you know, it's important to me that that when I'm talking to somebody, I'll say, chilory is not dating. That's important.
SPEAKER_00That's very important still.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it is. And you know, and I had it in my marriage, and my dad did it, and so so some things I want to hold on to. Yes, and that's one.
SPEAKER_04Yes.
SPEAKER_01So what what one thing would you say that you want to we would like to hold on to in your marriage? Because marriages weren't all bad. You know, they weren't they weren't all bad. Um people change. Life changes. Life changes. So tell me one thing that you um can think of that you want to hold on to, that you want to make sure that um your next partner, your next date will have.
SPEAKER_03Fun and laughter, um, and caring about my well-being. That would that's most important.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think so. There you go. Safety was gonna be a line.
SPEAKER_00It makes me feel sick. I don't wanna we have to be in charge as single women all the time. And I know that women do it and have done it in years of doing it and can do it, and I just it wasn't any, I mean, I was single, of course, before I got married. I got married at 28, so I had some time, you know, an adult life, but I got real used to, you know, having a partner and things taken care of and all that stuff. So when my husband passed, all of a sudden it was back and I had to remember how to do it. So to have someone who can lift that in just a break time conversation, or maybe even just say, Yeah, I'll just take care of that for you, you know. That's what I'm that's what I mean. Uh-huh. Yeah. Just take that off me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's you know, I I I think what with with me, we were traveling a lot, you know. Um, and you know, I felt like a military um, you know, wife, although it wasn't, it was it was uh corporate, you know, uh life. But it was like, you know, I took care, we moved, you know, upward mobility, we moved, um, and um that I had to care for everything. And sometimes, you know, I I sometimes I know that it might feel that I'm in control of things, and that's because I had to. You know, and and maybe control is not the right word, caring for others. So right now, I just want to, I'm tired. I just want to relax. I don't, you know, you can do whatever you want to do. I I don't I don't need to be in control. I don't need to set up, you know, well, where we live or uh, you know, or get the doctors, and you know, I mean all of those things that we have to do, you know, make sure the kids are in right the right schools and you know, and make sure that everybody the dinner is ready and clothes are washed. And yeah, I just want to just I just want to have a relationship where it's just easy. Yeah, it's important to have an easy relationship.
SPEAKER_03No, so what's the one thing you want to take on your other marriage?
SPEAKER_01Um, the chivalry. Okay, that's what it was. Yeah, the he was he yeah, he he and of course I I you know I I my my my dad was like that, and so I used to tell him, um, you know, my uh grandfather, my dad always had shiny shoes. There you go. You know, and and and I know this might sound crazy, but the people that I dated, their shoes had to be shiny and shiny. They had to have some new shoes on and nice shoes on, right? And if they didn't, then you know, I figured that that was not the person for me. But that was the you know, that was the way. I was brought up. So you know he had nice shoes, always nice shoes. But um the chivalry part is really important. I taught my son that that was important. Yes. And um, and I don't think it's dead.
SPEAKER_03Did you see how did your ex-husband treat his mother the same way? I think that was that was like seeing how a man treats his mother is really that is important.
SPEAKER_01That's where they show the motion, you know. Yeah, yeah. So that's uh that's um and he you know he learned from his dad. Um so those were you know, those are the good times. And I mean you know, uh when you're going through, I mean you've gone through a divorce, it there weren't always bad times. I know, no, and I think that we need to say that out loud because um somebody's going through a divorce right now. And one thing that we're not doing on this, on this, on this podcast, we're not gonna be battering the spouses. That's not journey, yes. This is about our journey, our journey of healing. So let's talk about healing. Let's talk about healing. Um so as you have gone through your divorce, um, what can you tell us about your your healing journey?
SPEAKER_03Uh I think first the biggest part of the healing journey is getting rid of the anger, like whatever the anger is, like anger can be many things, and I imagine you have anger and grief as well, but just truly getting that out of your heart, like to be able to still love the person and treasure what you have. I think that's the first thing. Uh, and then I think seeing the importance of friends and knowing that I can get love lots of places. I think I just I never felt alone, and just learning to lean on people and embrace what they were giving me and accepting love from them. And I know it sounds silly, but I have two dogs, so I get to love on them, and they're a big part of you know, that's really the thing you miss is having someone to come home to, someone who knows when you're getting off the plane, someone to check in with you. So you build it different ways, you know. You find friends who will know when you're coming home. Um, so part of the healing for me is is finding love in other places and not necessarily looking for it in the man or relationship, but really loving myself, finding love with others. And I I think therapy is huge. Um just having someone to talk to about it all, all of it, all of it, yeah. Um, to process things with um um thinking about taking time to understand what I'm really feeling and not masking it, you know, like not brushing things over, you know. So it feels really weird. You don't I never expected to be alone at 50 and restarting and just realizing how uncomfortable that is. So um I think embracing what I was feeling and finding love with other people, friends, um big things for me.
SPEAKER_02That's very liberating, don't you think? Absolutely, very liberating. Yeah, to feel love for friends is amazing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, I'm glad that you said something about uh therapy because every you know, every time we've talked about it on our podcast, I make it very clear that I believe that therapy is important. Oh yes, um, and going through our healing journey, um empowering ourselves, it's very liberating to know that we can go and talk to someone else. God gave those those those those persons the gift to sit down and and to be able to talk to uh talk to us.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, yeah, I think uh therapy is important. It's important. Very important. I would add uh for me knowing when to go to therapy, um, because I was in such shock for a long time after my husband passed, I went because everybody told me to go. And I was like, okay, you know, I'm gonna go, you know, and so I went and I went through the emotions, um, I listened. I was I know that there was still a wallet. And um had nothing to do with the therapist, uh, the counselor. Uh it was me, but I just wanted to get through the sessions because I didn't want to feel. I did not want to feel. And so I did what I needed to do in order for her to say, Well, I think you're okay. Aren't you okay? I said, Yeah, I'm okay. I think I'm okay. Um, went through about four months and then had a very serious panic attack. And I realized I was not okay, and now she can't get rid of me. She keeps trying to tell me I'm better, but she can't get rid of me because I'm so afraid, you know. But I was just so that's why I say it's important, especially for those um who are widowed, divorced, and probably saying, right? Be be in the mindset to receive it, do the work, and it's not easy, it is not easy, and it's not just seek a six-week plan or whatever, it is work and work that I know I didn't want to do. I'm just gonna be honest, I did not want to go go deep, go deep. I did not want to do that and still think about it and don't want to, yeah. But if you do it, I'm here to say for anybody who is not wanting to do it. If you do the work, it's gonna pay off.
SPEAKER_01So, and you know, I think about how what took us so long to get here. Maybe we could have been happier if we started this, you know, this this journey of healing. And the other thing is that we really understand that there was a journey called healing, you know, um, and moving forward, knowing that we are okay, that we are and that we are enough. Um, and I think that that was for me. I needed to say, I needed to know, I needed to believe that I was enough. And I think that you know, that that probably didn't just didn't start with child, I mean with uh the marriage. Maybe I went into the marriage thinking, well, you know, maybe I'm just not enough. You know, although I was enough, but I had to begin to believe in myself that I was enough. So um, and I and uh and and I I know I'm enough now. Uh but you know, but you know, but those are those are things that are you know um new awakenings, I guess, yeah in our lives. Um so as we are moving uh toward um forward, forward, uh, and there's a lot to look forward to, what would you say to those that are listening to you about moving forward? About um what what are your plans? Um do you have plans? What is your purpose now in going forward in your life after divorce, after um you know, the loss? Because and and I want to say that you know I do grief sessions and I know that divorces and and losses are the same. It's grief. They're all grief, it's all grief, and that's just not those are the only two of the many things that we grieve. So we grieve our divorce, we we grieve, we grieve uh that. Um, you know, and so how do you how do you go forward? I mean, what what what what advice would you give the ladies um that are listening? And men, hopefully there are gonna be some folk men out there that will hear you and and hear your stories and know that you are moving forward, that you do have that that you so what can you do to empower women? What words can you give them um as we move forward in this in this in this life's journey?
SPEAKER_00Gosh you you can you have an opportunity. I think it's all in perception um how you think of your future. It can be a real opportunity for you to live the life the way you want to live it. Um get a second chance, at least I'm gonna speak to I think it's for all of us. I'm not just gonna say just to widows, but it's like it's a second chance to maybe just do things that you always dream of. Because there's for me, there's not someone there that I have to counterbalance everything with and worry about the financial piece of it. What's up? If I want to do it and I can figure it out, I just go do it. I love that. I'm gonna be honest with you, I love that piece. So that's the part where I'm saying I just look at it. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Um, but it really for me too, I had to be very gentle. I think probably for everybody, because you're saying grief is the same, so I'm gonna quit saying it for me, but I just have to remember to put one foot in front of the other every day, just one foot in front of the other until I got better, stronger. Um, and with that, then clarity is beginning to come, right? It's I'm just saying now I'm three years um out, and I'm gonna say the clarity is starting to shape up. I can do this. If I want to do this, I can do it. I'm gonna say also for me, brain power had to come back. Grief brain is something else. Um, so I had to have the bandwidth to be able to do the things, and so now I'm just beginning, just actually this past weekend, I was just writing my roles, you know, for the end of the year. What do I want to do? Um, and so I can see a way at this point.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_03Uh I think for me I'd say to be open, um, to be open to the experience of life. I think when you know you're in high school, you're like, what am I gonna be when I grow up? You know, so now it's okay, what do you if you were to create your perfect life, what would it look like now? So it's almost like a blank canvas, and I can be open to things that I may have never thought I could be open to. Um and just taking time to think about, you know, the same way we dreamt about it when we were growing up. When I grew up, I want to be this okay. So I'm in my 50s. You know, if I'm gonna be here, you know, what's it gonna look like when I'm 60? What's it gonna look like when I'm 70? What do I want to build? Because I'm gonna be here anyway, you know. So how do I make the most of it? Um, and just to have hope for the future and belief that there is something that you're going to experience that is coming, but you gotta go outside to get it. It's not, you know, maybe it comes into your house. And I'm not even talking about a man or anything, but just whatever it is, I'm going to have to do something to find it. So um I think being willing to be open and to be willing to move into uncomfortable spaces that are like this. Uncomfortable spaces.
SPEAKER_01Do something different. That's right. Don't do the same thing.
SPEAKER_05Don't just mix it up.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we don't. Right. And I think it's very good for you to say, I mean, it's it's I'm glad you said that because we don't, we don't, I think that we we protect ourselves so much that we're afraid to go into you know um places that are making us uncomfortable. But those places that make us uncomfortable are the places that we need to be in order for someone else to hear about our experiences.
SPEAKER_05Yes.
SPEAKER_01And they grow in the you know, we grow from there and and we're also empowered from there. Um so this has been this has been great. I want you to say more about your book before you um before we we end this conversation.
SPEAKER_00And um Okay. So telling our stories, I think, again, it's a great book that has stories from different perspectives. Um, so we have missionaries, we have women who were um again married for 43 years, or actually widowed for 43 years, but really only married for a short time. Um, but just how they went through their journey um in their life. And then I think for my story, um it's called it's at the end of the book. Um, and so for my piece, why don't I forget the name? Why did I forget the name of the name? It's called thank you. It's W. So mine was W for widow. Um again as I was going through this and reading, uh writing this, it was cathartic, and I really looked at my heart, what was going on, and I felt like I was wearing a W, like you know, that um cancer. Scarlet letter. Scarlet letter, all of it. I felt like I was wearing the W, period, and my heart had a W on it. Locked, locked. I it would I love again, would I feel again, would I do any of those things that wonderful emotions that come came with being married? Would I have that? I don't know. It wasn't even important to me at the time, but I just thought this just described it beautifully. But also the things that happened, you know, day one, what do you think about? I mean, you're again, I had 25 years of someone who was taking care of me, basically. I was working and doing all the things, but that was my money, my money I contributed to the household, but not he was he took care of it. Um, and so I had to figure out okay, pay the water bills, pay the electric bill, you know, feed the well, make sure the dog's taking care of the yard, all those things. I can do it. So mine really is kind of like step one, step two, one foot in front of the other, give yourself grace. It's okay. These are things are gonna happen, you're gonna be okay. Um, so I tried to, you know, be prescriptive in the steps. Um, but others just share about, you know, how if this hadn't happened to them, if they hadn't experienced someone's something so awful, but yet so beautiful at the same time, they would not have had the life that they've created for themselves now. They're doing things that they never thought they would do. So it's a very, very varied book about stories, but all of them, all of them, are about our beautiful reflections on what their marriage was, but also a beautiful story about how they're living today. So I recommend anybody um take give this book as a gift, or if you are a widow, read it for yourself. It's an anthology, so 10 separate stories. You can just read them at different times. Thank you. Yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_01Is there anything that you would like to say um as we end this time together?
SPEAKER_03Take time to consider why you're getting a divorce, what your expectation is of the divorce, and not move too quickly. Um, to be sure of what it is. Um, just take, you know, don't do anything in anger. Like there's a moment where you might know that you want a divorce, but take time to make sure that it really is, so that if you do end, you're you're really okay, so that you're not second guessing it and you feel you know it's gonna hurt, you're gonna cry, you're gonna have a lot, but just make sure that you really want to cut the that cutting the tie is the best for everyone. Um and know that it's going to be hard, but that's okay. A lot of things are hard and you'll you'll move through it, but just be very um contemplative of what you're doing and why you're doing it. Not you know, just just be mindful.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, ladies.
SPEAKER_01Well, thank you, Kelly, thank you, Don. My pleasure for being a part of this uh conversation uh on uh late dating, uh and um you know the part of our you know being divorced and dating and widowed and dating. And guys, we can do it. We have done it. We the we have done it, we have done it, and uh, and we're still smiling and and we're still looking great. Let's just put that in that too. Okay and so in the midst of it all, we just want to let you know that we're on this journey together and you we'll always be here for you until the next time. God bless.