Why Women Stay In Unhealthy Relationships/Marriages

#janbell  #youareenough  #healingjourney

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Introducing Dr. Jan, speaker, healing coach, podcast leader, educator, Dr. Jan Bell, the advocate for the sick and tired.

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Hi, welcome back to the Sick and Tired Podcast. Dr. Jan Bell here is your host. Welcome to our uh raw conversations that we have with women as we are going through our life transitions, as we are trying to find our uh redefine our identity and become uh whole again. And some of us are already whole, but we're going through our transitions and we are just looking for a place that we can just talk and have these conversations. So today we're gonna talk about uh women over 40 uh and relationships. You know, uh we've done uh podcasts on uh divorcees, uh great divorces and great divorces, and those are women who were married 20, 30, uh, 40, 50 years and decided to get a divorce. Uh, and the question always is why did they stay in marriage that long and decide to get a divorce? Well, today we're gonna talk about women over 40 who are in relationships, in marriages, and they really don't want to be there at all, okay? But they are there. So we're gonna talk about that. And I know that that was probably uh uh a subject that maybe some of you are in or you might know someone that's in it, but today we're gonna talk about it. We have a special guest uh here with me today, Janae Frank, who is a relationship coach, she's also a podcaster and she is a writer. Uh, Janae has a podcast of Speaking Frankly on Spotify. You can also find her on uh Instagram as well as uh TikTok. And she has a um uh a website, www.janaefrank.com, where you can find all of this information about her. Thank you for being here. We're so glad that you're having uh an opportunity to talk to women and the opportunity for us to hear what you have to say. I'm excited to be here. I'm glad you're here too. So we're gonna start off with the question uh that the inquiry minds probably want to know what is a relationship coach?

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Sure. A relationship life coach is similar to a therapist without the license. Okay, okay, and so therapy, you deal with more mental illness and you deal with the past, where relationship life coach deals with the now. Okay, what's going on now? What are the patterns of behavior that need to be changed, and what are the skills that I can help people um you know hone in on? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

So tell us a little bit about your business because I know that this is a business for you and you have a service. So tell us a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Sure. My business is called Speaking Friendly Coaching Service, and I started it three and a half years ago, and I combined my um experience in human resources and education to advise my clients. Yeah, help them with love, life, pain, and everything in these. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Well, you are in the right place to talk to us about relationships and love and caring for ourselves in the midst of it.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

So, um, so as as we talk about um women over uh 40 and relationships that they really don't want to be in, when people stay in relationships, uh they don't want to be, what is that about?

SPEAKER_01 3:38

A lot of it is fear. Okay. Fear of the unknown, fear of having to start over again. And that's really what it comes down to is fear.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

So how so uh from your perspective, what keeps uh what what else keeps a person in those kinds of relationships? So the fear, where does that come from?

SPEAKER_01 3:57

The fear, you know, there's only two emotions. There's love and there's fear. Okay, and everything based under love is the positive emotions. And under fear, it's you know, it's you know, a lot of times how you were raised and what you saw in that household and what your mother might have put up with. And so you think I'm just gonna stick it out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

How do you define a relationship someone doesn't want to be in? How do you read how do you define that? Um, if you have, if you know someone that's in a relationship and you you already have identified it as being fear, um, so what does that look like? And when you and I'm sure that you had um clients uh and they have a fear, but what what does that person look like?

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Um, what does that person look like? That person looks like someone who is having an internal conflict. Okay. They get to a point where they realize I just can't do this anymore. And there's an African proverb. Have you heard it? It says that the child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. Wow. And a lot of times that's why people are acting out, yeah, and they're acting out because they want to be seen, heard, validated. And so a lot of times people begin doing different things um that are self-destructive in relationships.

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Yeah, yeah. So how much how how much of staying tied to fear, fear of being alone, starting over again, um, um being in a relationship for a long time? What tell us more about that sometimes that that much that that fear, uh, more about the fear and tied to the fear? Um, if if a person is in fear of um leaving, um, and why are they leaving? It why are they having trouble leaving? Is it because of uh money?

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Oh, sure. Uh that's the number one reason.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Okay, yeah. Talk to us about that.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Finances is the number one reason. So um, so many times people are looking at they get to a certain point in life, right? After 40, after 50, 60, 70. People are thinking, what is retirement going to look like? Um I'm going to maintain the same level of socioeconomic status. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

So, how do you uh see persons? So you think it's finances for sure. So, what what other what other fear do you think that women have in staying?

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Yeah, I think it's societal pressures. Okay. So many times people, I've seen it in friendships where someone gets a divorce and then all of a sudden they're no longer invited anymore to the couples' events, to the couples' vacations. Um, there's a certain status, particularly in our generations, of oh, a married woman, you know, being an honest woman. And people just feeling like I'm going to be left out of, you know, society or groups or organizations that they were previously in when they were married.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Yeah. And I've heard that story too. I've heard women say that when they are are divorced, um, they're divorced now. And so their um their their relationships with other people are not the same.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

Um, and um, you know, and they sometimes they even fear of being with other couples thinking that you know there may be um you know someone thinking that they're jealous because oh, sure. So do you see that as well?

SPEAKER_01 7:28

I have seen that. I have actually seen that where people will become defensive or think, oh, this person is now single. And what they don't realize is that a married woman can steal your man too. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Say it again, say it again. Okay, so how do people tell themselves to uh what do you think they say to one each other to themselves about staying? Um you know, it it has to be more of an emotional kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Oh sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Um, and so the the people that you the women that you talk to, how do they really convince themselves in the midst of the fear uh of uh finances, in the midst of the fear of being alone, what do they say to themselves in order to stay there?

SPEAKER_01 8:20

I think a lot of times it could be emotional attachment, it could be family pressure, you know, even with adult children. Adult children will say, Oh, you're gonna break up the home, you know, this is gonna change. People fear change. And so so many times there's this societal pressure, family dynamics where people feel pressured to stay, to keep the norm.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

So it so just, you know, as you have seen and talked to women about those kinds of things, can you um, you know, there are women out there today that could probably um you know understand everything that you're saying. Right. Um, and as they are uh trying to um redefine themselves um and trying to maybe even step out or are start so talk to the women who are uh thinking about um just stepping away from um the the fear that they have in staying. And what's the difference in leaving and staying? Um and have you seen, you know, those well you uh you know I'm one that left um after you know many years, and then you have those that stay.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

But today we want to talk about those that stay and your uh your um your work that you've done, your um the the information that you have received from from those ladies, when you see them, how do they look?

SPEAKER_01 9:52

How sure um how do they sleep at night or um just talk to us a little bit about sure yeah the ones who stay, nine times out of ten, there's actually studies that show they saw their mother stay. Okay, and the ones who saw their mothers maybe divorcing or just getting into a different situation and taking care of themselves are more apt to take care of themselves, so it's a learned behavior.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Uh for some people, it's they're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yes, and it far outweighs the benefits, and then they decide.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

So um, so how do they justify staying?

SPEAKER_01 10:35

How do they justify staying? Justify staying financially. Okay. For some people, you know, like Tina Turner, what's love got to do with it? And for some people, financial stability outweighs um the other emotional. Do you think that do you think that's the the major reason why we have to do that? I do, I truly, truly do. I think that they showed their studies again in the 80s, where um I was born in the 70s, I was a latchkey kid in the 80s, a mom working full-time, you know, not a stay-at-home mom. And you see these women going into the workforce, and then they're gaining financial independence. And so there were more divorces in the 80s than ever because women no longer had to stay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't have to stay. But the ones who do stay, again, I think it comes down to fear, it comes down to financial security, worrying about retirement. Are they going to be able to maintain the same lifestyle that they've been become accustomed to?

SPEAKER_00 11:36

So, what about um you know you said um this is what we this is what I've seen in life, this is what I've seen my mom do. And so this is what I'm gonna do. So, have you seen women who have come to that conclusion and then they stepped out? And if they stepped out, if you know women have done that, how how how how are they doing? You know, uh it's like you have um, you know, you you've had all these years of of seeing this, right? Uh, and you have lived all of these years doing this, right? And you really do not want to be there, but you're there. But you're there. Uh-huh. And all of a sudden I said, I gotta, I gotta do, I gotta leave, I gotta do something. So those that leave and they have that childhood um piece behind them. Sure, how do they, how, how are they um how's how are they facing life today?

SPEAKER_01 12:33

I think that um it's a new norm, it's it's healing, it's a pro it's a transition. Yeah, you're I think when you get to the point, particularly after 40, where you say it's time to go, that is the best thing that you can do for yourself because you're choosing yourself first, and that's about self-love and it's about healing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

So, what about women who stay? They don't want to be there, but they stay because of children. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you see that. Oh, for definitely. So, do you think that they would that we have a population of women that stay because of children?

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Many times you will see that when the children go and you become empty nesters, and then you realize I really don't have anything in common with this man. And then that is when they will choose to leave. Because hey, I raised my kids, they're off in college, they're secure, they're fine. I can now clock out.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

So what role uh does uh what role does social pressure, we've talked a little bit about that, our image play uh in a long-term marriage? Is we're thinking about being in a um relationship or with our marriage, relationship. You know, we have an we even have people that are not married and they are they are in relationships. So what what and we talked a little bit about roles uh and societal roles. Um so so what other things in society is um you know that you talked about because you know that is what we were this that's what society tells us to do. Right. Um and uh but how about um how about friends? Oh, sure, definitely. Um how about how about uh how about friends who are also in in in bad relationships? Um how do you how how can you break that um that image and and and step out? And and in in in and while you're there in that, uh what do you tell yourself? How do you how do you just kind of step away and decide that this isn't I don't even want these friends anymore? Yeah, uh, you know, I mean as a you know, as a as a life relationship coach, do you what do you tell women um who have lived their lives unhappy?

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Yeah, I think that sometimes when everything is falling apart, it's actually falling into place. And the more that you're you feel discomfort, you feel dis-ease around people, the more you're healing. And you you don't want to be around, you know, toxic people, negative people. You don't want to tolerate, you don't want to compromise on the things that you used to. And again, you're choosing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Yeah, yeah, and choosing ourselves is very important. It is is very important. So, what are some of the signs someone is staying in the relationship they've emotionally checked out? What do they what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 15:41

I think it's an emotional disconnect, you know, where you're not even angry anymore. Many times, you know, if somebody's arguing and you know something happens, say, for example, between you and I, I care about you, so I'm going to want to communicate, even if it's in an argument, right? But when you emotionally check out, yeah, you just don't wish to communicate anymore. A lot of times people will stay gone, they'll come home late at night, they'll you know, uh pour themselves into activities or organizations so that they are away from home.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you um if if you are in a relationship and you don't want to be there, um is it um when you are out in the public in public, is it noticeable? I think so. Uh how I think so.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

For emotionally intelligent people, I think that they could pick up if they know you, they could pick up your um your energy, your vibes, um, the way you interact with someone. Um, even you know, the way that you're relating to someone that you're sitting next to, where if you're talking and touching or your body language, um, you know, different things like that, there's always signs. Yeah, there's always signs, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

So um those those signs at what point does um working on relationship turn into uh avoiding reality? Um, you know, you we you are in a relationship and you don't want to be there. So what so how do we how do you talk to how is how does it turn into avoiding reality? You know that you don't want to be there, you're telling, you know, you're telling yourself you don't want to be there, but everybody around you thinks, think that you you're you're gonna be there, you want to be there. So when does it turn to reality? When do you pull the trigger? Is that what you're asking? Yeah. I mean, when does you know when is it that you stop um living a life too it is actually living two two lives? Oh, sure. A life that um you know that you don't want to be there, um, and then you know that it and you just kind of place yourself in a place that is not reality. So when does it turn into reality?

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Yeah, that's a great question. I think again, it just comes down to where you just can't take it anymore and you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you just it's like having a double life. Yeah, you're living two different lives, and many times you're living for other people, right? When you're staying because other people are comfortable and they don't want you to change. It's the same way in friendship dynamics when there's a falling out in a friendship group and someone pulls away. A lot of times that other friend might tell you, hey, I don't, you know, you don't have to go away. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, because they want you to stay for their own selfish reasons, and many times that's what friends want you to do.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

So sometimes we leave, right? Sure. And in the midst of us leaving, we come back. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. And uh, and you know, even in the midst of um, you know, um getting, you know, separated or divorced, you know, in a relationship that's um, you know, that is um that is not working, um you you leave. But somewhere along the ways you come back. Why do people come back?

SPEAKER_01 19:06

I think it's sometimes the grass is not always greener on the other side. I think. I think if you're not truly ready, if you're not honest with yourself about why you're leaving, if it's um, you know, you were listening to someone else or counting on something, you really have to count on yourself when you make that decision to leave. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

So um, so in the in the midst of it, um, you know, um we we we want to talk more about helping. Um, if you're gonna stay in a relationship and it's a bad, it is a it's it you don't want to be there, but you're gonna stay. Right. What do you what do you say to women uh if they have decided that they're gonna stay in this relationship, although you don't want to be there, sure. They're gonna stay. What do you say to them?

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Um yeah, that that's a great question. I say don't. I say talk to someone, talk to a relationship life coach, talk to a therapist, talk to a counselor, talk to a psychologist, you know, talk to someone who can help you figure out because if it's that serious that you're talking to people and it's causing you health problems or sleepless nights or you know, weight loss or whatever, weight gain, you know, it's causing you stress, then you really need to look at why you would actually make that decision against yourself.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Uh take the first step with someone to figure out why you're stuck. That's part because it's actually we're stuck. That's right, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:36

That's exactly right.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

And so with um with with counseling, with with coaching, sure uh will help us to gain what we need in order to and not only gain not only that, but the fear, like you said at the very beginning. Yeah, uh fear is real. Fear is a real emotion, it's it's real, and and we we we um we live in a society where you know um it's not always easy for women to to step away. That's right. Um, and so with that said, um you do recommend. Oh, definitely, definitely talking to someone. Yeah, how how does healing look like in a long-term relationship? Once you get out of it, once you if you're gonna be in it. Oh, once, oh, healing. Yeah, healing in it.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

If you're gonna stay, yeah. I think it's kind of an emotional detachment, so to speak, where you're no longer looking for someone to make you happy. Okay, happiness is the inside job. Yeah, and you begin to pour into yourself, and regardless of what that person is doing, you know that it's an inside job.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Yeah, so because the the truth is that there are a lot of women that stay. Uh I know, I know I you know, I I I I've done counseling and I've talked to women who are not leaving.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Uh, and they're unhappy. Uh and and you know, I I I I see them often and you know as I'm talking to them, I'm asking, how how's your health? What are you and um so do you feel uh and some women are there in with bad relationships and they take it out on other uh in other places? Have you seen oh definitely?

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Oh yeah, they're not um directing that anger and that resentment and that bitterness towards that individual, they're taking it and putting displacing it.

SPEAKER_00 22:29

And that's important, don't you think?

SPEAKER_02 22:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Um, and so it it also says that um, you know, you gotta watch um when when we see people um in situations in different areas of life, and they um, you know, they start you know cutting up, and you wonder, is that what is that a good word cutting up? It's a great word. You wonder if what's going on in their lives? That's it.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

That's it. They're asking out, yeah, just like I was saying about that proverb about the child who does not feel embraced by the good will burn it down, yeah, to feel its warmth.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

Yeah. So you think that we are a lot of us are burning things down? I think so. And in in in in in uh yeah, you know, in different ways in our lives. And so one of those the the women that you have talked to, in what ways are they burning it down? They're unhappy, they're in a relationship, uh, they don't want to be in.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

So where have you seen uh what have they what what have you um found out or are you have you know in the relationship found out they are burning things down in other things like where your inner reality, what's going on with you on the inside will reflect in your outer reality. And so when you're having inter, you know, turmoil and chaos in your personal life, you will see it in the disintegration of friendships, yeah um, you know, falling out with people, getting into arguments, having trouble on the job, different things like that. Yeah, it will show up in different places.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

So how um and and that's so true. Uh, and we walk around um with that knowing that we're unhappy in our relationship. Yeah, it is a cry for help. So, what do you think society can do? Um, and you know, you can't walk around asking everybody, are you having trouble at home? Are you are are you on a relationship you don't want to be in? You you know, we can't we can't do that, but there are uh places and that we've been and we've walked in or and we've seen people that needed help.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

Um, so if I'm on the other side looking at you burning down places, yeah. So what responsibility do I have? Or do I have any responsibilities to say to the person that is really struggling?

SPEAKER_01 25:00

Yeah, yeah. I think it's about showing grace to people and understanding that people sometimes are doing the best they can with what it is they have. And if you see someone acting out, acting up, being a little bit different, pull them aside and and try to find out what's going on. So why do you think we don't do that?

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Now, you know, we don't we don't do that very well.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

You know, I think particularly in the African American community, we were raised to what's happening in this house stays in this house, you know. Um, don't tell your business. You know, we have to put on a certain front, um, you know, different things like that. So I think that's kind of uh what we think about it. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Uh we're are we more afraid of being alone than uh facing ourselves?

SPEAKER_01 25:46

I think people are more afraid of facing themselves. Okay, I really do, because self-awareness shining that light on yourself to figure out okay, what's my part in it all? You know, because when things break down and they disintegrate in any relationship, you always have to do the inner work.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

But fear of being alone is also a huge difference.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Um, so the uh, you know, but also facing ourselves mean also means that there may be some times, some lonely times in oh, definitely, without a doubt. And that's a hard pill to swallow. You know, and it it um did you find that women feel like they need to be with somebody?

SPEAKER_01 26:30

A lot of people do, a lot of people do, particularly if you have an extroverted personality.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

Okay, tell me about that.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

They get their life and their energy force um through other people, through being around people, and that's what feeds them. And so the thought of having to do life alone and what's what is that gonna look like and where are they gonna get that source of energy from? Yeah, that's scary.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Yeah, it is scary. Yeah, it is scary. Um, I know people that are going back to children uh child having children in the home, you know, they have spent a lot of years um waiting for um you know the children to grow up, or they maybe even didn't realize until the child was getting ready to leave that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Yeah, you know, yeah, I've been yeah, pouring and and that's why a lot of women don't even realize that there's a breakdown in their marriage because they're so focused on the children. And then when the children leave and you haven't been pouring into that relationship, it's like, oh wow, I'm left with this person. Do I know this person? Do I know myself? Do I know what I want at this stage in life? Because we all change and hopefully grow. Grow.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

That's the most important thing. That's it. Uh, I think that uh that is real important. I think that we kind of, you know, we stop.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

We stop, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

And we allow other things to happen uh in instead of trying to make ourselves happy. Um, so do you think that people stay um there because they they they love the idea of being loved?

SPEAKER_01 28:04

Yeah, oh yeah, the idea of being loved, oh for sure.

SPEAKER_00 28:07

And but in the midst of that, they're not being loved. They're not being loved, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Yeah, yeah. I think so many times people just are hoping and praying and you know, waiting for someone to change. Yeah, oh the change to change, right? Yeah, to change. That's that's the hope, yeah. And you know, just oh, they're gonna change one day. And it's a return on investment, ROI, right? Return on investment. People feel I've taken all of this time and all this you know, energy, effort, um, blood, sweat, tears. I do not want to give up. I do not, it's called sunk cost fallacy. Okay, and it's a cognitive bias that you believe that I have put all of this into something I cannot possibly walk away now.

SPEAKER_00 28:53

Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and when women say that right out. Real, real, real, you know. The ones that are willing to say the reason why they're still there, um, they will say that.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Um I put all of this into it, and I don't want to leave and then let someone else come in and take what I work so hard for. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

So it's uh it's it's it's it's um a situation where um as we're in this time together, um where I'm hoping that there will be uh women who will listen to what you have to say and uh and uh want to to do better and be better. That's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

That's it. Yes, yes. And I'm all for marriage, but I'm all for people choosing themselves. I'm all for people being happy, and if that means it's time to move on, then it's time to move on.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

And it's scary for some people, very, very scary for some people. Yes, but there are a lot of people out here that can give the support needed, and I think that that is uh the other thing that um you know that women probably do not think. Yeah, I'm gonna walk out here and I'm gonna be by myself, and I'm not gonna have support mama, daddy, sister. Um, but like you said, it's choosing yourself. That's it, being able to do that. That's right. So how why why um so what uh what would you tell women um that are trying to figure out that are really unhappy with their relationship? Um what do what would you tell them? What would you you know look look at them and and say to them as as we are trying to redefine ourselves, as I said that earlier, um, to really believe in ourselves and to really love ourselves. And I think that that is what happens. We don't love ourselves enough.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

That's it, that's exactly right. I think again it comes down to surrounding yourself around women who are going to speak life into you, who are going to encourage you, who are going to pray for you, who are going to give you or help you get the tools that you need to either sustain yourself or to move on, whatever that looks like for you, to be happy, to happy and to heal. That's it.

SPEAKER_00 31:17

Um, do you find that women are more secretive about uh their relationship and ships than maybe men are? You know, I actually don't. Okay, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

I think that women, when you find good friends, yeah, we tell a lot.

unknown 31:32

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Yeah, we tell a lot. We probably tell too much sometimes, and that's why it's important to probably talk to a professional who is unbiased and who's not gonna throw that in your face at a later when mad day comes, right? You know, yeah, but no, um, I think, I mean, I do believe that there are some women who are definitely secretive and they want to put on this facade and then everything's perfect. But I think that women as a whole, we support each other better than men. Yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

I um I know that um there are um, you know, I I had a friend that said, you know, I saw such and such and such and so on Facebook and they were loving each other. Oh, good Lord. And and I know, you know, that relationship. I know about that relationship. And so, you know, we we we do, you know, go into public. Oh yeah, yeah, and we put on all of these, you know, yeah, yeah, facade faces, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, faces to make it seem that we're happy.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Social media is such a highlight reel. It's just a highlight reel, you know, and it's just a snapshot of something. You see a couple at a gala in their fancy gown and tuxedo, and you think, oh, they have the perfect marriage. And in reality, they're probably arguing on the way home, ready to kill each other on the way there.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Smile while you walk when you as you're stepping out the car. Um, okay, so we um the question is why do women stay in relationships they don't want to be in?

SPEAKER_01 33:02

They're there, and you've named several things fear, fear, finances, um, societal pressure. Um, even for women over 40, we have in society this pressure of our value is in our beauty, it's in our youth. And so men don't have that. Men, they age like vine wine, or you know, even my husband, people call him the silver fox, you know, and I just I'm like, oh give me a break, you know, and it's like where is my company?

SPEAKER_00 33:41

Yeah, we're I've said that several times too.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

Men tend to yeah, yeah, like they get better with time, and then we're discarded. And so I think women worry about that too. That society, you know, it's focused on youth and beauty, yeah, and we're beautiful at all ages.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

All ages, that's it, and that is what we have to be confident with.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

Um, so this conversation, uh, as we have had other conversations, always wind up saying, you need to get your therapist or you need to get your life relations coach to help us out. And I think that we don't do that enough. I don't think that we feel like you know, we can work it out ourselves or we can have our friends work it out. Well, if your friend is like you, they not gonna work it out, right? Absolutely, that's right, you know. So um, so the as we have talked about um, you know, divorces, um, late dating, uh, you know, all of the ones, all of the episodes that that we've talked about, it always turns it, it always turns to the episode always turns to getting help. That's it, getting help, and that's the key.

SPEAKER_01 34:49

You know, that's the key.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

And women over 40, and if you've been in a um a relationship for 25, 30 years, we need help, right? We need help.

SPEAKER_01 34:59

We all need help, everybody does, even in the beginning of marriages, yeah. And that's why even in the beginning, they have these pre-counseling, you know, yeah, because love ain't enough.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Absolutely, absolutely, you have to do more than that. Some of us go to pre-counseling, uh, um marriage, marriage counseling, and it still didn't work, but anyway, we're gonna go there. Uh, so uh, but I think that uh taking the step you know out to take the big step out. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Um, I think women should commend themselves who do that. I really do. That's amazing because they're choosing themselves. And so many times women don't do that. We pour into everyone else but ourselves. So yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Less headache, less heartache, less no, yeah, you know, less compromise. Yeah, stress, no stress, stress, all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 35:59

All those things, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 36:00

That's right. Yeah, so we stay in, um, not because we want to, but because what we feel other people will say. That's it. That's right. Or what we feel that we're gonna lose. That's it. That's exactly right.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

Couldn't have said it better.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

You're the you're the you're the expert. Okay, well, listen, uh, this has been good. Um, and I once again want you to look right into the faces of uh the women who are listening to this and uh are uh and really are in relationships that they don't want to be in, and give them something as we live and give them something that they can carry. Sure, sure.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

Yeah, I would just say you came into this world by yourself, you're gonna leave by yourself, so choose yourself first. Self-love is the most important love of all.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

And staying in relationships that um that we don't want to be in uh can be fatal.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Can be fatal, it causes dis-ease, which can cause disease, literally, in so many women. They get cancer, they get sick, you know, and it's because of that emotional toxicity, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 37:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:08

We are coming to the end of this time together with uh Janae Frank. Uh and if you uh will go to uh YouTube, I do my YouTube channel, um Dr. Jan Bell, um, and just subscribe and also leave your comments there so that we can uh I can answer your question. And uh Janae uh Frank also has a YouTube channel. Uh and let's let's talk more about it because I think that this is a subject, a tie a topic that we don't talk about very often. But there are so many of us that are in relationships and we're unhappy. And let me tell you, it's okay to take that big step out so that you can be happy, you can identify yourself, that's it, and you can be um you can redefine yourself to be happy. Now, it's not always easy, right? No, absolutely not. That's just it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:04

It's not just you know going to be sunshine and butterflies, yeah, but you know, yeah, you do the work, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

And then all of a sudden you go to bed with peace and you wake up with peace. That uh right, right, right. And uh, and you know, it it even may be a good opportunity for us to gather together and begin to talk about how sometimes we just need to have women who can support, and you said that earlier. That's it, that's it. Finding your tribe to support you, yeah, yeah. And there is a tribe. There is, yeah, it's definitely as I always say, we're on this journey together, and we will always be. God bless.