E21 Is Sex Really Better After 40? The Truth No One Talks About

Sex is supposed to get worse as you get older… right?

That’s what most couples believe. Passion fades. Desire disappears. And eventually, marriage turns into roommates sharing a life.

But what if that’s completely wrong?

In this episode of Undressed Conversations, we break down what actually happens to sex in your 40s and beyond, and why so many couples say their best sex didn’t start until later in life.

We talk about:
 • Why sex struggles more in your 20s and 30s than people admit
 • How kids, stress, and performance pressure quietly kill intimacy
 • What changes in your 40s that reignites desire
 • The role of trust, communication, and emotional safety
 • How couples experience a real sexual reawakening later in life

This is not theory, it’s real experience, real conversations, and the truth most people aren’t saying out loud.

If you’ve ever wondered whether your best years are behind you… this episode might change everything.

#UndressedConversations #ModernMarriage #RelationshipTruth #IntimacyRewired #LoveUnfiltered

⭐ About Undressed Conversations

We’re Mark and Tonya, high school sweethearts married for 30 years. After decades of trying to fit into roles that weren't ours, we finally dropped the masks and started telling the truth about marriage, intimacy, shame, healing, and what it actually takes to stay connected for life. Our goal is simple, to help couples build relationships that feel alive again.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

There's a story everyone hears about marriage.

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Yeah, the longer you're together, the worse the sex gets.

SPEAKER_03 0:05

Like passion fades.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Desire disappears.

SPEAKER_03 0:08

And eventually you just become roommates who share a mortgage.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

But here's the weird thing.

SPEAKER_03 0:12

That's not actually what research shows.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

Some of the most sexually satisfied couples are those in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Which raises a pretty interesting question.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

If sex is supposed to decline with age.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

Why are so many couples saying their best sex actually started later in life?

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Today we're talking about something nobody prepares you for.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

The sexual awakening that can happen in a long-term relationship.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

After the kids.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

After the stress.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

After you finally stop trying to perform.

SPEAKER_03 0:41

What? And you start learning how to actually connect.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

Because middle age doesn't have to be the end of passion.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

No, it doesn't. For a lot of couples.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

It's the beginning.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 0:51

Chapter one. The myth that sex declines with age is not actually true.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

You hear that a lot though.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

You hear that as you get older You think that the people in their 70s are doing it the least, and the people in their 60s are doing it second least and 50s and so on and so forth that the best sex of your life is in your 20s.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Here's the reality the 20-year-olds are just trying to figure their shit out. And they're having it so infrequently because their partners aren't consistent if they're not partnered up. And they're just out there sowing their wild oats and never really getting any consistency to figure out what they really want.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

In your 30s, you start getting partnered, but that's when you start having kids, and kids become a big focus in your life. But what really happens is in your 40s, I would say the kids get older. You become a little bit less tied down by them.

SPEAKER_03 1:48

Yes. And exhausted by them because they're starting to be their own individuals where they're doing their own things.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

And so now we're dating each other again because we're not needing babysitters every time we go out. The oldest can watch the younger kid. I mean, it's all that stuff that happens. And so all of a sudden you can go out on dates and you can do anything. You start rediscovering that passion that you lost when you had them.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

I'd say that's very true.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

I think society tells couples that passion fades after the honeymoon phase, and it doesn't.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

No.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

It really honestly it fades when the kids come.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

Yeah. I think um absolutely. When the kid when we had young children, that's definitely when our sex life was probably the most.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

But we know people that don't have kids at all.

SPEAKER_03 2:38

Yeah, we do.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

No better off.

SPEAKER_03 2:40

That's true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

Really, because it is really when you step into that comfortability stage. And it doesn't mean kids necessarily. It can be we're just super comfortable where we're at, and nobody wants to ruffle any feathers or create any ripples in the water.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

Well, and I think a lot of people, um, especially in that 20 to 30 year old range, they get very industrious, and that's when they're highly motivated. They're going through, they're switching jobs, they're finding their place, you know, they're working really hard to get where they want to be. And that can be also taxing too, just because they're exhausted. They're working all the time, they're even if they don't have kids.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

I think it's funny that culture jokes about married sex because the reality is that most married people aren't having sex anymore than they were in their 20s.

SPEAKER_03 3:31

No.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

Like it's just about as dead.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

Well, and we have been reading on Dead Bedrooms, which is a really good subreddit. Um, and there are people in their 20s who have a dead bedroom. I mean, when you think these people are young and ambitious and sexually charged, they're not having sex hardly at all.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yeah. But then I remember the stories that we would hear as we were in high school and stuff, and you'd hear the teachers that were swingers and that they were spicing things up. Do you remember last year? I do. Oh, there was always there was always the rumors. You know, there was always the rumors, and I don't know if that was like that for every small town or everyone. I bet it I bet it was, you know, key parties and stuff, and then we watch the 70s show as we're growing up, and we're like, so you start getting these little snippets of people like really trying to liven up their sex life, and sometimes that means you know, hooking up the neighbors or other teachers or whatever it might be. You're like, wow, this stuff really yeah. But even then, I I held back and didn't realize that you're thinking of these people as people that are stagnant, you know. And I I really think it's in your 40s. Yeah, if I was gonna say something, I would say your 30s is so busy, but your 40s is where your awakening happens.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

You you start to break free again in your life.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

And you start getting out of that stereotype of the bored middle-aid couple, and that's kind of where we were. We're we weren't boring anymore. The people that are boring just look different.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

Well, and I think your 40s is when you start to not care anymore. Like that that's when you start to not care. Your 40s are when you start to not care. You start to become your own individual, and you start to become your own individual where you don't care about standards, you don't care about what other people think. You're starting to be free, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

Because media portrays young sex as the exciting sex, right? It's the deciding, it's the better. And old sex is just like, ew, it's it's and it's maybe it doesn't even exist. Like old people just aren't supposed to have sex, but I'm I'm gonna tell you, we're having most of it.

SPEAKER_03 5:35

Right. Research from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior shows many adults report having higher sexual satisfaction in their 40s, 50s than in their 20s, largely because of communication and their confidence.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

And we don't have we're not worried about all the stuff. Like if somebody farts during sex, no, nobody gives a fuck.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

Like, ha ha.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

You know, but in your 20s, you're you're moretified.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

You're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I just did that.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

I'd like oh, he'll never call me again. We're like, yeah, we're married. She's she's fucking calling me. I don't know what to tell you.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

Yeah, it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

You know, and you just start getting used to some of that stuff and you become more you quite comfortable.

SPEAKER_03 6:15

Yeah, the confidence and the comfortability are huge when you get to your 40s.

SPEAKER_02 6:19

You know, I don't know what we expected, but I think we expected to have no sex life and we did grew up. I think we we thought that in our 20s it was gonna be good and our 30s it would be okay, our 40s it would die, in our 50s it would be non-existent.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

Yeah, and we're just gonna be sitting in a rocking chair watching the birds fly.

SPEAKER_02 6:38

And and I think that we heard that and we were like, no, fuck that. I don't think that we're into that. Yeah, we're we're not down for that, you know. And so we had this big expectation of the decline, and but then when the kids left, we just started picking it up. We started really experiencing, and what we found is that when we dated, we felt like we did when we were 16, and we started reliving those moments.

SPEAKER_03 7:04

Well, and definitely I think that is one of the key factors that we went through is we okay, so we're we're we're breaking almost 50, we're close to 50. And we're not 50. We're not 50, but we're close. Anyhow.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

But we shut up about how close we are. Shh.

SPEAKER_03 7:23

But we started revisiting our youth. We really started going like retrospectively back into how we were as kids and reliving those moments and trying to remember those moments and just going on dates, like what did we do?

SPEAKER_02 7:37

So our date night for us was we'd go to Cody, we'd go to Walmart, we'd eat, we'd go to a movie.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

And we started doing it. Like we started doing that. We started doing we started doing our old date nights. And all of a sudden it was just like, oh, it's so like go eat, we'd go to a movie and go parking.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

Then we'd go parking on some blind street somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Interesting how that kind of upticked the whole sexual desire.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Yeah, and we have this assumption that the young people are having the best sex when it's the older people that feel less inhibition. That's the ones that always get busted in the movies with parking in cars and stuff. Oh, yeah. It's the old people. Because we're like, yeah, we're just trying to freaking liven things up. And I always just want to say for it on the record, if you're a cop and you're busting somebody for having sex in their car and they're not hurting anything and they're just steaming up some windows, you're a dick.

SPEAKER_03 8:31

Yeah, just let them be and be like You're a dick. Just gonna let these people finish.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

If they're not hurting anything and it's midnight and there's nobody around, nobody's being harmed, then you're just an asshole.

SPEAKER_03 8:42

That yeah, I agree. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

Just gonna say that for the record, right there, because um, you know, sometimes we're just trying to stay alive just like you are.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

It's the little things, man.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

You know, what I think really happens is that as you grow and you mature and you have more experience, yeah. Which we keep talking about. We do, because we're expected to go out there and be amazing at something that we're told never to do until this one finite date and time, and then we're supposed to be amazing at it. But experience beats hormones when it comes to having great sex. Yeah, and you're never gonna get the experience without actually practicing it. Oh, yeah. Nobody wins football games without practice. Yeah, but we expect the same of our kids when we send them out there and say, Okay, now you're married, uh, good luck with whatever that is.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

You know, we're too embarrassed to talk to you about it because you're not supposed to look at us like we had sex, even though you're here because of it.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

Right. But I think also experience does do that, but you need to allow yourself to experiment and to get those experiences.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

It's that whole mindset. Our kids are never supposed to think of us sexually as like, whoa. You know, the whole kid's.

SPEAKER_03 9:59

No, but we do a lot.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Do you have any idea where that mouse's been? Yes, yes. It's very clean, it's very sanitized, it's all fine. Skin washes very nicely.

SPEAKER_03 10:11

It does.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

And I think that leads us into chapter two. Why sex is actually harder in your 20s and 30s than it is later in life.

SPEAKER_03 10:21

Well, I think younger people are constantly dealing with chaos, kind of like I talked about earlier. You know, they're establishing their life. And it's just a groove. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

They don't even know yet where their groove is. You know, they're in new relationships consistently in your 20s. You may be dating around. You might figure out what this person likes, but that's not what this person likes. If you do have a sexual encounter, that's not what each one likes. How in the world are you gonna gain consistency without having any kind of you're just trying to look cute there in front of the camera? She likes, I don't know what the fuck she's peacocking over here doing, but it kind of looked cute.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 10:59

Sorry, I hope this episode's this episode's over soon. But you know what I'm saying? You're you're trying to figure it out, but you're having enough partners that you can never figure out consistency. We got lucky because we started at 16. We did, and we were able to establish consistency, and even with that consistency, it was very difficult.

SPEAKER_03 11:18

But the other thing we also did is we waited eight years of marriage before we had kids. So we did have eight years where we could experiment with each other and try to learn each other. However, I still feel we didn't get very far.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

No, we didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 11:31

In the in that eight years at all.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

We we progressed at a snail's pace. At a snail's pace.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

Like I really but you know it's kind of rare for people to wait eight years. So not only do you have that inexperience.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

Well, we were young too, so right.

SPEAKER_03 11:45

But you also have pregnancy, you have small children, which is a total sex killer.

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Yeah, in your late 20s, I mean That's your childbearing. We got married young. We waited, but we still ended up having kids at the same age as the rest of our peers that got married later a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

You know, all of our peers are still having kids at the same time because in your late 20s, it's just like the bell's going off. You're like, Yep, this is the time. Yep, I'm gonna have kids. You got the pregnancy and the small kids, and so now you introduce all the stress and tired. Like, we all remember having that newborn in the house. It's like exhausting. Nobody it's like getting a new puppy. Like, you want the puppy, but you're like, This is fucking hell. This is this is not fun. And we signed up for it three times, and so that just prolongs that.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

But and at the same time, well, and the same time for men, I mean, not men don't have to deal with pregnancy, but they have to deal with the career stress and they have to deal with the financial pressure of supporting the family.

SPEAKER_02 12:38

What was I doing? Building that's what you were doing, trying to build a company very unsuccessfully. Just, I mean, well, you win some, you lose some.

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Destroy for another day.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Then we have performance anxiety.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

And we didn't talk about my performance at all. Ever. We didn't talk about your performance either. The only thing that was expected.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

We didn't talk about my body image issues either.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

No.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

We didn't talk about any of that. It was just like, we're just gonna shove this under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Yeah.

unknown 13:09

Shh.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

And somehow turn the lights off, get under the covers, and feel sexy again, like we were 16. It was so much hotter when we were 16.

SPEAKER_03 13:18

Oh, it was.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

Discovering each other for the first time than it was in our the worst sex we were having. The worst sex was after the first child was born.

SPEAKER_03 13:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

We were even having better sex during the pregnancy than after the first child.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Agreed.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

That was you know, and then you had the first child and then you didn't lose the weight right away, and oh it got real bad. You know, we were just trying to hang on. Any thing that we did was just trying to maintain some semblance of reality.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

You know? What was our sex life during the early days? It was super vibrant and exciting. It was fun. You know, from 16 until you know mid-20s, 2024, 24 or so, 25. Um, but then then it just died, you know. We had kids, we got involved in religion. And how much of that had to do with attraction?

SPEAKER_03 14:21

None of it.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

None. We were still very much attracted to that. We were very yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:25

I was always attracted to that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think even you had mentioned that even though I was heavier, you were still attracted to me. Even though I didn't think I was attractive.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Oh, yeah. Like I hated myself. There was no part of it that I didn't think was attractive.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

The thing about your 20s is when you're exhausted, stressed, raising toddlers, passion has no competition at all. It's gonna be on the back burner.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

And that leads us into chapter three, what changes in middle age, which is right, I'd say, where we're at, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:01

We're in the sweet spot of middle age. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Middle. We're in the middle of the middle, we're in the middle. The media.

SPEAKER_03 15:07

Well, and the thing is, is you're always told that middle age is gonna be terrible. Like, I don't want to be 40. I don't I'm you're so scared to turn 40 for some reason. I wasn't, I really didn't care, but I had friends who were black balloons and bullshit. Yeah, like it's like, no, 40s are like the best, some of the best years of your life.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Honestly, honestly, teens, okay. Yeah, 20s, okay. 30s, fuck that. 40s, minty, solid, fucking minty. Not great, not not like everything's great, but it's minty and 40s. You know, because life stabilizes and people become more comfortable with themselves. Like that's what we learned how to do.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

And that's that's what I was saying is when I got to be 40, I my my give a fuck.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

Literally. You just stop.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

I'm like, I don't care. I don't care what people think about me, I don't care what people say about me, I don't care at all. The only thing I care about is how I feel about myself and how I am to my family, how I how I treat you and how I treat the kids.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

And besides that, we have more emotional safety because we're in a long-term relationship, and now by the time we're in our 40s, we've been married for 20 plus years. We've been together for a very long time. We have almost no pressure to impress each other.

SPEAKER_03 16:31

No, and I don't care about impressing other people. Like in my 30s and 20s, I cared about impressing other people. Like, I what are they gonna say? What are they gonna think of what my outfit is? You know, like I don't care if you don't like what I have on, dude.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

It was and that's when we went from like I don't give a shit about diamonds to now we buy a fake rocks. Oh yeah, yeah, I don't know. Your uh your opinion, she just needs to feel good about herself. And the thing is, is you don't know, yeah, you know, so we stopped trying to impress people just by because of what we drove. It's still like, hey, we have a really nice Hyundai. Yeah, self-drives itself, and it's pretty cool, and you know, I like I'm not trying to impress you. Yeah, we did give up the minivan because we did. Well, we're not gonna be able to do that. We don't need a minivan anymore, okay.

SPEAKER_03 17:13

Yeah, but I think uh one of the big things too is you have a greater understanding for your partner's body and your desires. Like we have we have explored things, we have talked about things, and and cracking that shell where I can actually explore my body and your body more, and that you know, the the timidness I had before with sex. I broke all that free, I broke free of that.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

Just how just how confident you are to prance around in lingerie, like you have no issues doing that. You're you feel confident, and that confidence exudes and it just makes the entire experience more pleasurable. You know, we have um I I appreciate everything that you do.

SPEAKER_03 17:58

For some reason, I mean it's it's a morning ritual for me now. Like, what am I gonna wear in the morning? I don't know, we'll have to see.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

We have a routine, a routine, coffee is gotten, and by the time coffee's gotten and it's on the nightstand, there's outfits involved, and but it's putting that constant. I mean, for you, you had to get dressed to do that because we've already established that we sleep naked, so that was like you actually got dressed already. You know, and then we're communicating everything about what we do when we started the real unlock to all this was when we were comfortable enough with each other and felt safe enough with each other to really tell each other all of our secrets and all the things that we had left that we hadn't yet discussed. And there were things a partner be like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_03 18:53

Yeah, even in our mid-40s, we still had secrets we kept from each other, and now there's none. Like I we're trying, we we actually quiz each other. Like, is there anything that you haven't told me? Like, think of something we're like, I wish there was there's not.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

You know, that's what changed for us in our 40s that allowed us to do that because there was just a time when when we really opened up and you felt like you had told me everything, and I felt like I had told you everything, and neither one of us had rejected the other for anything that we had said. It was like, oh, well, this is my soulmate. Yeah, I can tell them everything. This is cool. And now that we've told them things, they've told me things, and we've found we have some commonality, and we can really we can really build on this a lot more than we have.

SPEAKER_03 19:44

There are sometimes some little nuggets that those repressed memories will surface, and you'll you'll think of something of like, ooh, I have something I haven't told you before. And those are the examples.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Those are great. Yeah, I love those. You know, but why do people become more honest about sex in their 40s? Why do you think that we are more comfortable?

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Because we've been through the Because we've been through it, we've done all the shit.

SPEAKER_02 20:06

We've done all the we've done it the way our parents told us to do it, and we don't agree with it.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

And how society told us to do it, and and we're learning who we are as individuals and as a couple.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

And we're the loudest of the loud. We love to talk about this stuff. This is and we think it's normal. What you realize is you start going back and watching all the movies that we've watched, and so many of the problems that plagued them back in the 90s. You can see it in the movies. So, like, oh, I'm not getting enough sex, my wife doesn't pay attention to me, she doesn't think I'm sexy. Like, these are things that are not new. No, and it's definitely happening in the mid-40s, like the you know, why why did he start his naked room after the kids moved to the room? Right, exactly. That's odd, like me. I just want to start a naked room.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

I wish we could start a naked room. Anyhow, but so there's another word that we use a lot, and that's trust. So, what role does trust play in having a better sex life and intimacy?

SPEAKER_02 21:03

Well, you know, I had to I remember the thing that I told you that I had never told you. And I had to trust that you wouldn't just think wrongly of me.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

You know? I've had to be a lot honest about a lot of stuff. My time in Nebraska, I've had to be honest about that, and that's a really good story, but I had to be honest with myself about that and admit that I was being greedy in that situation. I was using that to the most of my advantage, and that led me to do things that were not good.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

It led me to almost get locked up, you know? And we have to be honest with ourselves and be able to be honest with our partner at the same time because there's things we all have that one thing that we're just holding on to that we don't want to say.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

I and I even I didn't think I had anything, but come to find out I do. And He knows everything. I have told him absolutely 100% everything because I do trust him.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

Here's one thing that studies show. Couples together longer report better communication about sex, which strongly predicts higher sexual satisfaction. So if you're thinking that having all these novel one night stands is exciting, it is. But the better connection comes and you can really learn something about a spouse. Now and I think that's why people that's why I think swingers exist is because they're like I have my spouse, my one, but then I can get the novelty from the others.

SPEAKER_03 22:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

And I think that's why you see that exist.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

But if you I don't want to say research or or look into people who are in the swinging lifestyle, you will often hear that reclaiming their spouse is the best sex of their life. Not a one-night stand, not somebody out of the blue. Yeah. Their spouse is going to be the most intense, fulfilling sexual experience.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Because they know their spouse better than anybody. That that's that whole question is well, if you had sex with somebody else, would you leave me for them because they were better?

SPEAKER_01 23:08

No.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Nobody in a one-night stand could ever outperform you unless you weren't doing your job. If you know your job, nobody in any kind of scenario, I don't care if they have 20 encounters, is ever going to be able to outperform what you can do. Now they might have new moves. Yeah. They might have things they can do, but they'll never outperform the way you know your partner. If you've been studying your partner for that long, there's no way they can outperform you. And I think that's That's my opinion.

SPEAKER_03 23:34

I think the takeaway is great sex is less about novelty and more about safety.

SPEAKER_02 23:39

Safety and trust.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Safety and trust.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Like I don't know how you have safety without trust. That leads us into chapter four the sexual reawakening many couples experience. Just like we did. Because this is not abnormal.

SPEAKER_03 23:54

No, because many couples rediscover their intimacy once their life slows down.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

And that's where we're at. Because it happens when your kids finally don't demand as much time from you. They're not really more independent. You know, you have a couple kids that have maybe left the house, you've got one that's there and he doesn't need you, he or she, you know, they're 15, 16, like they're they're pretty much done with you.

SPEAKER_03 24:17

Well, because it we've noticed in the past three years, we have traveled more together without children than we have ever. And so it's kind of like revisiting that whole youth again where it's just us and it's allowing us to connect a lot more.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

And that's what we were talking about in the$200,000 to find ourselves series. Is how we spent so much money because we finally had the opportunity. You spent so many years not taking all the trips with me. We lived apart, and then all of a sudden you could do everything with me, and it was one of the best years of our lives. Yeah. I will forever remember that year and all the things that we did, and all the countries we visited, oh yeah. Up and down. That that's it, because we finally were at a point in our life where the kids are almost raised. There's enough capital, there's enough cash, we had the funds available to be able to do this stuff, and you just don't have that in your 20s and 30s typically.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

You know, well, you know, the other thing that happened is we went on a lot of road trips and a lot of trips together, which allowed us to communicate and connect a lot more than we ever have before.

SPEAKER_02 25:25

We had so much time for talking. We're always together, so it's from the kids, you know, we don't see each other but a couple hours a day, and now all of a sudden we're seeing each other all day long, every day. We have all kinds of opportunity to connect, we're with each other in the evenings, all evening, like we had the opportunity, and we really use that to reconnect with each other. And not everybody has that as an option, uh albeit. I I understand that. That's and I feel very fortunate that we have had that opportunity to reconnect in the way that we have.

SPEAKER_03 26:01

Yeah. Well, but feeling more comfortable around each other allows us to explore pleasure more. Like we definitely, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:12

So one of the trips we took last last summer was we did the cabins, the Yes, the red room cabins. Red Room Cabins in Dunlap, Tennessee. And so that was one of the things we did. And that, you know, we had the opportunity to explore that pleasure because we saw it on TikTok and we're like, oh, that seemed like a really themed cabin that's sex themed. It's got the crosses and the spanking benches and the atmosphere and the privacy. And we're like, heck yeah, but you don't have that opportunity usually in your 20s.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Right.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

Why did we think about going to hedonism too in our when we were 21? I think probably 20, 21. We thought about going to hedonism in Jamaica. Why didn't we go? No money.

SPEAKER_03 26:53

No money. It's expensive, it's really expensive.

SPEAKER_02 26:56

You do these things because now you finally have the freedom and the ability to do them, and the financial freedom is along with it.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

You know, we feel more comfortable to explore pleasure, we feel comfortable in our own skin. We don't care what anybody thinks about us. And we're letting go of all society's expectations, whatever they may be. We just let them go.

unknown 27:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:17

You know what? Nobody, you're not taking away my birthday just because you don't like something about me, it doesn't change who I am. And we thought that what we did made who we are, not understanding that we were crushing our true souls and our authentic selves.

SPEAKER_03 27:32

Yeah. Well, do you think that you noticed a shift in how we approached our intimacy later in life?

SPEAKER_02 27:38

Oh, absolutely. We were very intentional.

SPEAKER_03 27:40

I do too.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Like we talked about it. Before it was just like it happens if it happens, and if it doesn't happen when we want it, we get mad about it, or we hold a grudge, or you know, the argument that we would have a 15-minute argument about whether or not I was finally gonna give in and get it.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

Or that you would have spiteful refusing sex for me because I didn't give you any.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

Yeah, because the night before you had whatever going on that you didn't want me, and so I had to get my evens with you, and like I was just being a little bitch. I I don't know what to tell you. No, that's the kind of shit you're doing, but we let go of all that stuff. And we started really talking about what we wanted, and I realized that when we started talking, it was really easy for me to make the mental shift. It's easier now that we were talking about last night. The motor's always on idle.

SPEAKER_03 28:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

So when we need power, it's always right there, it's right there, you know. But for most people, the motor's not even on idle, it's it's in the garage in the corner somewhere. It has carb has a dead battery. It has a dead battery, man. And so when you go to fire that thing up, you're like, oh man, this thing's gonna take a lot more fucking work than I've got tonight. So we're just not gonna fire it up. Yeah, and you get to that point, but like our shit's shiny and polished and ready to go. Like it's a Honda, it's fucking one pole. So as long as you get the choke right and you freaking prime that's a good thing. Oh, yeah, it's it'll it starts right up every time. It starts right up. Yeah, it's not hard, but because we've been practicing it.

SPEAKER_03 29:03

It's a muscle, and it it definitely is a muscle you have to exercise. That passion, that desire, that connection. It you have to exercise it.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

Yeah, and we stop feeling there's a need to perform for your kids and try and uphold their expectation and society's expectation of what kind of parent yours. Again, it's the whole, you know, well, I can't give a blow job because I kiss my kids with that mouth. Yeah, yeah, you can actually, you can. You can and you should, and lips wipe off, and if you're not doing that, you're a nasty human being. So things clean up and you can take a shower, and there's no reason that you should put your life on hold for these little freaking crotch goblins that call out of you that are the most amazing things ever. They are. But you have you have to still stay connected because the only way we help them is being together.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

We have done more good for our children because we've managed to stay together than we would ever do apart.

SPEAKER_03 29:59

Oh, yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

Fighting, you know, if I had had an affair because you weren't, you know, the the sex that I needed. You know, how's how does that benefit my kids?

SPEAKER_03 30:07

It doesn't.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Us being together and showing them how to love because we're showing our kids what's acceptable at the same time. Yeah, we're setting an example different than our parents did.

SPEAKER_03 30:18

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, and I think one of my big things is that when when that pressure disappears, that curiosity comes back.

SPEAKER_02 30:29

And the curiosity is what I love so more, yeah, so much is it's what what would this be like? If we let down our garden, we tried this because we just decide for us it's okay. If we tried this, what would it feel like? What in fact curiosity is sometimes fire, and sometimes it backsfire, sometimes we're like, well, we're like terrible.

SPEAKER_03 30:50

And there has been a few of those.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

Yeah, there's been a few of those, like first time I, you know, a little gag, and you're like, oh, I forgot to figure out how you're gonna say the code word with something in your mouth. That turns out it wasn't our thing.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

That was not our thing, but the again, if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. But there has been some things that we have been curious about that are great A plus, 100%. Do it again.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

There's those things that you stumble on, you're like, where has this been my entire freaking life?

SPEAKER_03 31:18

Yeah, and we're discovering even two days ago, we discovered something, and it's just well you're never too old. Like, seriously, you and I'm sure when we're 55, 60, we'll still find things that are like we'll just say it's on a bar stool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

Bar stool.

SPEAKER_03 31:36

Bar stool, and it's a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

It's it's it's um, it's it's something else. Chapter 5, what actually makes sex better later in life.

SPEAKER_03 31:46

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think a lot of it is just having that practical insight.

SPEAKER_02 31:52

We've done we've seen it. It's a whole thing progressive, like we've seen a thing.

SPEAKER_03 31:56

Yeah. We know how to do a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two, or whatever. Yeah. Like, I mean, we've lived some life. We have lived.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Why do you think the old people are the sages? It's because we they've seen some stuff. They've been through the trenches. The ones that did it right and made it through the trenches, those are the ones with the real stories.

SPEAKER_03 32:14

But we're also not afraid to be honest about our wants and desires.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

Not at all. Not anymore. If there's anything that I'm saying, we communicate, we talk all the time.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

Like, hey, I like that. No, I don't like that. Oh, let's do that again.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Can you imagine there's couples out there that get in trouble for their dreams? Oh, yeah. Sometimes dreams are the best ideas. Sometimes it's like, oh, I had a dream. Oh yeah. Well, we haven't had any great ideas in a while.

SPEAKER_03 32:37

Yeah. Yeah. Like it's like that's like um one of the one of the seminars we went to had a guy, and one of the best lines, I think, that we have learned is and to break the ice with intimacy is be like, I have an idea. And we've used that. We're like, I have an idea. And blah blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 32:59

You know, and then then you don't say the idea, you just do it. Sometimes the best thing is to just do the idea. Oh, you know, and we let go of through all this of un all the unrealistic expectations. Like that men are always hard and always ready to go, and that you know women are always wet and ready to go.

SPEAKER_03 33:18

That's not true.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

And that men are always the high drive.

SPEAKER_03 33:22

Women can be high drive too.

SPEAKER_02 33:24

You know, there's so many things that are 100% wrong. You know, it's very individualized. Yeah. But what we did find is that when we were honest about all that communication and we prioritized our playfulness and our connections, yeah, everything completely improved.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

When we brought back play, our intimacy and sex life went from zero to a hundred.

SPEAKER_02 33:47

And it's because we called it play. We didn't say, Oh, let's we need to have sex. You know, there's a difference, there's a difference between sex and fucking.

SPEAKER_03 33:56

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:56

We've talked about it.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

Oh, yeah.

unknown 33:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:59

Have we not?

SPEAKER_03 33:59

We have I don't know if we've talked about it, but there's a difference between sex and fucking.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

And and one of those things is okay and the other one's great.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

And I'll let you decide which one's which. But I will tell you that great sex is not about age, it's about trust. It's about the partner and it's about trusting and having that connection with that partner. Yeah. Which is why you don't have great sex with partners that you don't trust or know well.

SPEAKER_03 34:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

The best sex usually happens with the people you're closest with.

SPEAKER_03 34:29

And we have a couple people that we have talked to in our in our life that are going through frustrating times and they are in their 30s. That third the 30s are a bitch. I'm sorry. The thirties are really tough. 30s are a hard, hard point to be in.

SPEAKER_02 34:46

And it's gonna be a hard pass for me.

SPEAKER_03 34:48

Yeah, I don't want to go back. But they're going through that hard time in their 30s because they are raising children and the sex life is not where they wanted to be, and work is hard and stressful. But I just want those people to know it's gonna get better. Like this is such a small point in your life. Those 30s, that 10 years in there, 10 or 12 years, it's gonna get better. You just gotta it's worth it.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

But the kids are worth it.

SPEAKER_03 35:11

The kids are so much, so much better.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

We get a lot of joy. They have brought a lot of joy.

SPEAKER_03 35:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:17

They're they're a slowdown in our sex life, but they are so much a blessing in so many other ways. And I would be remiss if I didn't say that.

SPEAKER_03 35:24

But for those people, don't worry, your sex life will get back. But you don't have to put it on pause because of your kids.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

See, that's the thing I want you to hear is that you're you don't have to. You don't have to be a hermit or celibate just because you have kids.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

No, no, absolutely not. And it does take work, it takes work, it takes communication, and but you can get past it.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Now, did you have a Reddit story for us that ties into this?

SPEAKER_03 35:48

Do I?

SPEAKER_02 35:49

Because I feel like you have researched this and you know something about people in an older age having the best sex of their life. Yes. And I would love to hear about it.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

Which one of these stories is yours? That's what I want to know.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

So this one um says the best years of your sex life may be midlife. With age, people seem to have better ability to communicate about their sexual needs while looking silly. Also, many fear the sexual problems couples experience in their youth and they're resolved in midlife. How is it for you? Okay. So there's a there's a bunch, there's a there's a bunch of people that respond. So the cometers says can definitely confirm. Wife and myself are having a grand old time in our mid-40s, our 30s were the roughest young kids, and leftover hang-ups. I again 30s are hard.

SPEAKER_02 36:43

Both figuring out who you are and figuring out who you are in your companies, building your companies, building your careers, you know, maybe being a stay-at-home mom, you're completely exhausted.

SPEAKER_03 36:56

Yeah. It's hard. It's hard for everybody. Yeah. Um, here's another one. When our kids were little, we were having me know mediocre sex once a month. Now we're in our 40s, and the oldest is about to graduate, and we have had sex three times in 24 hours. And for no other reason than we felt like it.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

Because we could.

SPEAKER_03 37:13

And it's great.

SPEAKER_02 37:14

Why do you have so much sex?

SPEAKER_03 37:16

Well.

SPEAKER_02 37:17

Because I can. I wasn't doing anything, you weren't doing anything, and you look kind of cute. And it feels good. Yeah, like you have a lot more freedom at 40 than you do at 30. And at 50, I can only imagine the freedom we'll have then.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

Okay. This this is a good one. Um this one says, accepted our kinky side and let it fly into the bedroom. All fantasy, which seems freaky but safe. But in ri but in reality, it really gets us going. I also got the testosterone pellets. Uh we didn't talk about hormones, but which they just added estrogen to. So when I ran out of it in my body. Okay, I this is hard. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 37:57

Some of these are they're a little hard to read.

SPEAKER_03 38:00

But basically, she got on testosterone pellets. Um, it helped my libido, but being dirty and kinky with each other makes it so, so hot. We've been married 20 years, and I'm glad we didn't do it earlier in a way. When a lot of couples are becoming less attracted to each other, we're discovering hot new things about each other. So again, they're communicating, they're bringing the kink, they're bringing the desire, they're bringing the fantasy. She's getting her hormones checked, making sure everything's on par.

SPEAKER_02 38:25

Dude, why do you think those people in their 40s are getting in shape? You know, we talked to the Scarlet Ranch, and what did he say? He said, you know what? The lifestyle or people that are sexually active and out there trying to, you know, woo other couples, even just put more effort into themselves. And so they're trying to make sure that they're good enough for their partner, their partner. What do we see with all the divorced women? They go out there and they get their hot, get their hot on, yeah. Yeah, their their divorce makeover and everything.

SPEAKER_03 38:52

Revenge body.

SPEAKER_02 38:53

Yeah, revenge body, but where was that enthusiasm? You could do that same thing while you're married, and likewise, the husband and the wife should be putting that much energy into the relationship to do that. For you can still do this with little kids. We didn't understand. We're here to tell you that you can still absolutely with kids go.

SPEAKER_03 39:15

Don't stop dating. Do not stop dating your spouse.

SPEAKER_02 39:17

We we did, I would say we did a decent job of that because we had dates like once a month, once every couple months. I was always in the budget that we got a sitter, and it was maybe every other month at the most infrequent.

SPEAKER_03 39:30

That's when we went parking.

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Dude, we did so much parking. Parking.

SPEAKER_03 39:35

Or parking.

SPEAKER_02 39:37

Parking, yeah. Parking also, coincidentally. I'll just let you be creative. Yeah. Anyhow. We'll just leave that there.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

With with this Redditor's comment, I do want to add that that is one thing that we both have done is we both have got our hormones checked. I am on testosterone pellets, he's on testosterone pellets, um, I have my estrogen. Like, there's certain things that we're doing medically to help get us to our best selves.

SPEAKER_02 40:07

Would you would you undo any of it? No. No. I wouldn't go back.

SPEAKER_03 40:11

No, they help so much.

SPEAKER_02 40:12

I feel like I do recognize the difference between the testosterone before like 200 versus a thousand, but I don't know. I just yeah, I just feel like a ret go.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Well, and I think for the biggest thing for the for myself as a woman is the energy level. It just when I when my pellets start to get low, I can tell. Because I do, I feel drained, I feel brain fog, and I never know what that felt like until I'm on the other side. So please get your hormones checked.

SPEAKER_02 40:42

I'm just not that easy.

SPEAKER_03 40:43

40 is not too young to get your hormones checked. I'm just gonna say that. Like, do it.

SPEAKER_02 40:47

Or a colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_03 40:48

That too. Get a colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_02 40:51

I did mine.

SPEAKER_03 40:54

I did my part. I did my part. I didn't do shit.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Yeah, that's exactly right. You didn't do shit.

SPEAKER_03 40:58

Anyhow, what do we got?

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Where are we at on this Reddit?

SPEAKER_03 41:04

Where are we at? Um, makes sense. As you age, you gain some confidence and less worry. You know more of who you are at that point, and you don't worry as much about who you aren't. That's a really good line. You know more about who you are, and don't worry as much about who you aren't. I like that.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

Like that's when people I mean, that's when all the weird stuff happens. Everybody calls it a midlife crisis, but it's more of an awakening. You're like, I was a shell of who I was, and one day realized that none of what I was doing was making me happy. And you just abruptly decide that you're not gonna fucking take any of that anymore.

SPEAKER_03 41:40

Yep. Um, I feel like everybody says this. I don't know. I'm I was pretty confident at 22. After being married 20 years and now with a new partner, it's hard to readjust to being with a new person after so many years without my 20-year-old body. I'm still very thin and fit, but that doesn't mean I don't have issues, question mark.

SPEAKER_02 41:57

And dude, some of the most beautiful people have got some of the most serious and body confidence issues.

SPEAKER_03 42:04

Oh and who says that we become more sexually competent, question mark. Honestly, the past has hit me pretty hard. Casual sex, marriage for so long. I wonder if all this is specific to people who date a lot later in life or are in long-term relationships specifically. And then I would say the latter has nothing to do with the competence of age. But yeah, she I mean, she's right. It I there are so many people who are gorgeous and they don't think they are. Like that it's it's hard.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

You can't look at somebody and think, hey, that's that's a very confident person because just because by the way they look, I've seen people that you wouldn't think were confident that were incredibly confident, and people that you would think were incredibly confident and aren't have no self-esteem.

SPEAKER_03 42:51

Yeah. Here's one. I agree. Mid 40s gal here with an all with an early 50s husband, together for almost six years. Our sex is great and way better than it was I had that I had in my first ten-year marriage. It's literally the first relationship I ever had that my attraction and interest in sex hasn't fallen sharply after the first year. I think it's a combination of him just being a better lover, me feeling more confident, and both of us being emotionally intimate, so the sex is meaningful and loving. And it happens more often than when I was younger. Lack of emotional and sexual intimacy was definitely a big factor of why my first marriage didn't work out. That's a huge one. Lack of emotional and sexual intimacy.

SPEAKER_02 43:29

I feel like I want to close this segment with a story.

SPEAKER_03 43:32

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 43:33

Can I tell a story about the oldest sex that I've seen so far?

SPEAKER_03 43:36

Oh, absolutely. I would love to hear it.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

Okay, so the oldest sex that I've seen so far was at the club.

SPEAKER_03 43:40

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 43:42

In the middle of nowhere in Florida.

SPEAKER_03 43:44

Yes. It w and it was wild.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

And it was wild. And we were on the bed, and we actually ended up getting chased off the bed by old people.

SPEAKER_03 43:52

We did. They were probably in their seventies?

SPEAKER_02 43:55

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

80s? Seventies or eighties?

SPEAKER_02 43:59

I don't know. Upper 70s.

SPEAKER_03 44:00

Upper 70s.

SPEAKER_02 44:02

Mid to upper 70s. And he got her seated in the swing and proceeded to stand there while he pushed her away from him and had her swing back to him and land properly.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 44:17

Time and time again. With precision. With precision. Every time. And I was like, oh, and I thought that they were coming up there just to be like, oh, well, I'd we just wanted to see how we were trying to kind of convert some people to Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 44:33

No.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

No, they were because she was praising him. They look like the most unassuming old grandma-grandpa couple that you could ever meet. There's somebody's grandma-grandpa, and they were having the time of their lives doing this.

SPEAKER_01 44:46

It was great.

SPEAKER_02 44:46

Was it them that stole the bed later? Yes. And then they came over and they were like kind of just like kind of getting on the bed and we're like, okay, I think we we've got kicked off. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:58

And we were on it, and they were just they moved right on.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

They moved right on, and we were like, you know what? Fucking seniority.

SPEAKER_03 45:04

Yeah. Bitches. Respect, man.

SPEAKER_02 45:06

Respect. Respect.

SPEAKER_03 45:07

I had hard respect for those two. Like, I hope our sex life is as wild as theirs.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

And so that's the thing I want people to hear is not that that was disgusting, but that was like, wow, these people are in their mid to upper 70s and still freaking going to clubs, having the time of their life, looking like ordinary grandma-grandpa, you know, nothing wrong with them. Absolutely nothing. Like just they're just somebody's grandma-grandpa having the time of their life.

SPEAKER_03 45:33

It honestly was a beautiful thing to watch, just knowing that people can be that age and having that much fun. It it was amazing. I I my props to them, man. You get it.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

You know what? And welcome to Florida. Here's the truth.

SPEAKER_03 45:45

Sex doesn't automatically get worse with age.

SPEAKER_02 45:48

It gets worse with disconnection.

SPEAKER_03 45:50

And stress.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Silence.

SPEAKER_03 45:53

But when couples stay curious about each other, when they stay playful. When they keep learning about each other's bodies and their minds.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Something surprising happens.

SPEAKER_03 46:03

Sex doesn't fade.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

It deepens.

SPEAKER_03 46:06

Because passion isn't just about the chemistry.

SPEAKER_02 46:09

It's about connection.

SPEAKER_03 46:11

And connection gets stronger with time.

SPEAKER_02 46:14

So if you're middle-aged and wondering if the best years of your life are behind you, guess what?

SPEAKER_03 46:20

They might just actually be ahead of you.

SPEAKER_02 46:22

And as always, we remind you to stay undressed.