Two Things Can Be True
Two Things Can Be True is an unfiltered, laugh-out-loud conversation between two lifelong friends, Aqueelah and Ashley. They’re getting real about motherhood, careers, creativity, and all the messy, magical, in-between moments of adulthood. Honest, hilarious, and a little nostalgic, they prove you can laugh and learn, be soft and strong, and hold two truths at once.
Two Things Can Be True
Episode 22: Can I Ask You Something? | Marriage
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Unpack with us - what’s your take on things?
Episode 22: Can I Ask You Something? | Marriage
What really goes on inside a marriage?
In Part 1 of this special interview series, Ashley flips the script and asks Aqueelah the questions so many women have thought but never had the chance to ask. Not to judge. Not to compare. Simply to understand.
From sacrifice and partnership to identity, motherhood, loneliness, intimacy, and the everyday decisions that shape married life, nothing is off limits. Aqueelah opens up about her marriage with a level of honesty she’s never shared publicly, reflecting on the expectations she had, the realities she’s faced, and the woman she’s still becoming.
This isn’t a debate between marriage and singleness. It isn’t relationship advice. And it certainly isn’t a blueprint for how anyone else should live.
It’s one woman’s lived experience.
Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, this conversation invites you to listen with curiosity instead of comparison. Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is understand a life that looks different from our own.
No hot takes. Just real ones.
| New episodes every Saturday. Follow us on Instagram @twothingscanbetrue.podcast and join the Group Chat.
Hey group chat, before we jump into today's episode, we want to hear from you. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, Castbox, Podbean, or any other supported platform, check the top of the show notes or episode description for the link that says Unpack with us what's your take on things. Click it and send us a text or voicemail with your thoughts on today's topics, your perspective, feedback, or even just a quick, hey girl, hey. We're unpacking together over here, so don't be shy. And for those listening on Spotify, the comment section is wide open, boo. Love you guys.
SPEAKER_02Hey girl, hey. Hi. I was really trying to figure out how that wasn't my best, but hello.
SPEAKER_03How you doing? How you doing? Good morning, Starshine Deer says hello.
SPEAKER_00So you let me know that Mercury was in retrograde, and it's why I've been an even bigger crybaby than I already am.
SPEAKER_01Yes, Mercurial is definitely in Gatorade right now. I guess. Absolutely deep in Gatorade. The freaking red one. The red one.
SPEAKER_00How are you doing with this retro?
SPEAKER_01There's a reason why I know that it's happening because I've been losing my mind. So I I don't think a Gatorade has ever affected me this aggressively. Like I had to, I literally was like, what is there am I okay? Is there something wrong? You will never not have me believe that the moon has some real powers because if where the moon and the waves are in the sky can do this, there the way I have behaved and felt and been over these past few days is so far from my normal behavior and character. There's it's I had to I was and I'm not on my period, I'm not PMSing. There there had to be something wrong. There it is uncanny. So the the retrograde is a real thing. Don't let anybody tell you different.
SPEAKER_00I should and it's so weird because I even though I've been crying a lot, I've been calm. It's very weird because even in disciplining the kids and whatever, I've been, and that just might be a conviction that I've had with my children and stuff like that, where it's just like this atmosphere, you know, this environment has got to change, and I gotta do what I need to do to help them. But I still was like crying. And the other day, my middle son was wanting to argue with me. And I'm like, dude, let's bring it down a couple notches. I'm trying to speak to you, and what I need you to do in this moment is just listen because we will come back. But in this moment, I need you to listen for what's gonna happen from this point on. And here's that, and girl, I just put my hands in my head and I just started to cry. Then that boy was like, Oh, so now you're crying. No, Jesus.
SPEAKER_01Oh my kids really, really have no chill. Kids do not give a fuck.
SPEAKER_00No, they don't. So you don't give a fuck. I don't appreciate what this mood has been doing to my sensitivity because it is like off the charts. I don't appreciate it. I needed to take it back. I don't want anymore. Absolutely. All right. So you ready for this episode that might happen to my sensitive?
SPEAKER_01Oh my god, girl. You know, now that you say that, I'm like, oh you picked it. Just remember that. You picked this episode, not big. So, okay, before we explain to well, before you explain, because it's you picked this topic, are we gonna do both questionnaires in one episode or are we bringing it up in two parts?
SPEAKER_00I think we should probably break it up in two parts because I feel like even though we picked our 10 questions, knowing knowing us that some of these 10 questions have a follow-up question, so it's really two questions in one.
SPEAKER_01I promised myself that I was not gonna do too much with the follow-up questions. I was gonna let the answer be the answer, and I pro now, now, I'm human, but I promised myself I was gonna let because I'm not gonna lie, some of my questions are two-parter questions, so I was gonna leave it at that. Like I was gonna keep digging, I was gonna let the answer be the answer.
SPEAKER_00Okay. So I think we can do a two-part because there might be a conversation that comes from something, even though we want to keep it within our time range, but still allow the conversation to happen.
SPEAKER_01I just don't want to drag it. I think because honestly, I'm so excited because I think aid is a great topic. It's a great episode. And to me, this feels like of all the episodes, this topic feels like at the core the most true to what we wanted the show to be about, really. Yeah. And I think like all these episodes leading up to this was us getting our feet wet, and this one feels like this is why we're doing this, and it just embodies what the show's about. So I really want to do my best without dragging it out and losing the plot because the plot's a good plot. Okay. All right. You said, okay, we'll see. We'll see.
SPEAKER_02So can you explain to the group chat?
SPEAKER_00Yes. Well, welcome back, group chat. Thank you. And the ones who may be listening for the first time. If this is your first time listening to us, thank you. I love you.
SPEAKER_01You came on a good day. All the days are good days. All the days came on a great day. You'll you're forever changed and you'll never leave. You'll be with us forever.
SPEAKER_00Yes, because this space is the space where we discuss mostly all the gray areas of life of being a human being. But as much as people would like to make you think that it's all black and white, being a human being is very gray. It's all gray. It's all gray. It's all gray. You know, silver is gray. So, you know, a little silver line.
SPEAKER_03There's a silver line. I like that. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Sure.
SPEAKER_00So, of course, we're gonna be getting personal. So I want you to pull up a chair, pour a drink, and let's get into it. And by no means is this episode about statistics, it's not relationship advice, it's not telling anyone how they should live, love, parent, date, marry, or move through life. This is simply our stories. We are two black women, two different lives. One of us is navigating marriage and raising four children. The other is navigating being a single mother and building a life on her own terms. And today we're gonna interview each other about the choices we made, the realities we've lived, and the lessons we've learned and the things nobody talks about in those parts of life. So it's gonna be the beautiful parts, the hard parts, the lonely parts, and the freeing parts. Because two things can be true. You can love the life you built and still acknowledge the sacrifices it required. So, group chat, settle in. This conversation is honest, unfiltered, and rooted entirely in our lived experiences. And it will, like we said, be a two-parter.
SPEAKER_01I think what I'm most excited about for people who are going to listen to this episode, and I hope what we accomplish with this episode is for married women to feel like they've A, been able to hear the questions asked that maybe they've never been asked out loud, or hear answers they've never said out loud, um, and maybe things that they want people who are not married to hear or understand whether they ever choose to get married or not. And then I hope single women walk away feeling heard, seen, and having conversations that maybe they haven't ha been able to articulate to friends or family around their choice to be single or the fact that they are single at this juncture of their life. I just feel like hopefully when you listen, both single women and married women walk away, maybe understanding each other a little bit more in the other person's side or life or experience, and that no there's no version of either that defines you is all that you are all encompassing or is better or worse than the other.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So am I asking you first? I think let's just jump into it. Let's just So I'm gonna do 10 straight questions to you.
SPEAKER_00Yep. Let's yeah, let's get into the married, the married thing of it all.
SPEAKER_01So the questions that I put together are it's not even just questions, of course, there's questions I want to ask you as a married woman, but just questions I have for married women in general, and just me as a single person. And I think a lot of single women that I've talked to or that you know I've engaged with on social media or just the content around being, you know, single and or married during this juncture is just some of the things that I've wanted to ask a married person that in normal, respectable, happy hour conversation is probably not best to do so. But I feel like these are all the things that swirl on in the average single woman's mind that they wonder about marriage and being a wife and making that choice. Okay, I'm an expert, but I'm not, so bear with me. Well, so my first question is we, you know, we've been doing this show for a minute now. And I think this is one of the this is not the first time, but one of the first times we've had this kind of interview each other scenario. So when you decided you wanted to do this episode, what were you hoping we'd actually get into? Like what was the deeper conversation you were hoping to have? And what inspired you to come up with this topic or idea in the first place?
SPEAKER_00Okay, first, my inspiration for this topic. I was part of it was like the text message I sent you the other day when I was checking on you, and then I was like, full transparency. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, okay. You guys, I sent Ashley a text checking on her, and then let her know, like, full transparency, what my life looks like right now is that I I live with the Animaniacs, which are my children, and their father is Phil Dumpy with Homer from The Simpsons tendencies.
SPEAKER_01And my answer to that was I don't know what that means or how to take that.
SPEAKER_00She was like, I understand the Animaniacs part, but I don't know if the second part is a good or a bad thing. And so when she texts me that, because I had the idea of what it meant to me, but I was like, okay, I'm gonna chat GPT this and see like what would be with all the information they have on human beings and they pull it together, what kind of person do they describe if you say Phil Dumfey with Homer tendencies? And I kid y'all not, I promise you, with missing some key points, because my husband is like a fierce protector, so Phil Dumfey, not so much Homer, maybe not so much.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's crazy. Sorry to interrupt, but you know, I just realized when you said Phil Dumfey, the entire time in my mind, I was thinking of Jay. I just realized I had the wrong person this entire time. So you meant Phil. Okay, Phil Dumfey and Homer. Okay, okay, sorry.
SPEAKER_00That completely changes it. Okay, sorry, go ahead. And so I I asked, if someone is a father and a husband, and I say, and they're described having Phil Dumfey characteristics, but they have like Homer tendencies. What what what do you say about this person? Like, how would you describe this person? And I promise you, I think like I I had to send it to my husband. Like I could not be like, oh gosh, I'm Googling this, he's gonna be offended. I had to send it to him and have him read it.
SPEAKER_01So you're the one who put in Phil Dumpy and Homer.
SPEAKER_00Yes. Yep, that came from me. Okay, I'm just gonna read you guys just little pieces, not to go on a tangent, but this is the this is the conversation. This is it. Okay, where's he at the top of it? I said, I asked the question, it answered. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, it says, if someone described a husband as a father, a husband and a father as Phil Dumfy with Homer Simpson tendencies, I picture a man who is generally loving, well-intended, and family-oriented, but someone who sometimes gets in his own way. Check mark already. Um, so it's a okay, so it says the Phil Dumfy side, strength, deeply loves his wife and kids, tries hard even when he doesn't know what he's doing, optimistic and enthusiastic, wants to be involved in family life, affectionate and emotionally available, usually sees the best in people, often serves as the fun parent. Which lately, yeah, that's rang true, because I've been laying down that hammer. Um, it says the tap the challenges, it says can be naive, which I honestly I think when it comes to parenting, sometimes can be, you know. That's the way he's brought up. Um, it says sometimes lack seriousness when seriousness is needed, may avoid conflict by joking or distracting, not always the most organized and strategic thinker. So then it goes into the Homer Simpson tendencies and it says possible traits, impulsive decision making, um, shorten attention span, occasionally lazy or poor or prone to taking shortcuts, can miss obvious things that others notice, childlike interest and humor. When I saw that childlike interest in humor, it reminded me of of how much I hate jackass, and my husband thinks it is the most hilarious show ever.
SPEAKER_01You know I call it pee pee poo-poo humor.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01I can't say that.
SPEAKER_00And he's so funny because he agreed.
SPEAKER_01He was like, Yeah, it is pee-pee poo-poo humor.
SPEAKER_00But it loves it, and it's so annoying. But anyway, anyways, it says sometimes creates problems without meaning to, but also people often forget that Homer is fiercely loyal to his family underneath the incompetence and chaos. He would do almost anything for them. And so put it together. I would imagine someone who loves his family with his whole heart, makes people laugh regularly, isn't trying to be the authority figure all the time. Um, that's not true. He wants his kids to know that he's in charge. Um, can be incredibly charming and frustrating in the same afternoon as good intentions that don't always translate into good execution. My promise 10 things, remember six, complete four, and somehow still is everyone's favorite person. And it says what his wife might say, and I get this can probably be my quote. He drives me absolutely insane sometimes. I'd wish he'd think things through more, but I've never questioned whether he loves us. It says his kids might say, That is fun, that is weird, that embarrasses us, dad always shows up. And those quotes, I mean, basically, they've said them. And it says the overall picture isn't a bad husband or father, it's more of a lovable, imperfect family man whose biggest weakness is often maturity, follow-through, or common sense rather than his heart or his commitment to the people he loves. After uh reading that, and then when you sent me the text, I was like, you know what? This is all my heart, this is all my spirit. Let's let's talk about this. I mean, you we've been discussing your relationship with your son and opening up about therapy. And so I was like, why not just dive a little deeper, like a more mature conversation than our first one that we had about dating? I was hoping that I would open up a little more because I noticed that when we do talk about marriage, I know last couple times you've asked me questions, I've gotten a little deeper, but I feel like as far as that aspect of me, our group chat doesn't really know that part of me yet.
SPEAKER_05Right too deep.
SPEAKER_00So it'd be an interesting way where I'm not picking what I'm saying. I can't, I literally cannot think about it before I'm asked because I didn't even read through all the questions. So whether you picked those questions or did your own, I have no idea. And then also for you on the single side, for myself, married women, and then just other people in general, getting a more realistic picture of the desires, the wants, the needs, um, the mindsets of a single mother, but I feel like there's a lot of speculation, talk, and whisper, and gossip, and assumptions about single women and expectations that are completely unrealistic. And I think just to allow us a space to honestly tell our stories and why we've made certain decisions and just how we've handled it and how we've come to be the persons who are in front of these mics right now. Okay, I love that.
SPEAKER_01No, I definitely was confused when with the text and the field dump. I was like, what does this even mean? I you know it's funny, I don't, and I'm like I said, I was gonna try not to do too many asides, but in the conversation and like preparing the questions and all that, I was like, you know, I don't think, and there's nothing wrong with this. I think sometimes for me it's healthier. I've never had a conversation with your husband ever. Like, I've if you realize in the 17 years that I've known you, we have never had a one-on-one, full long conversation ever. I don't think I've talked to him for more than 30 seconds, even in person. You know what I mean? So I really don't know anything about him. I don't even know the man has a middle name. So you know, I don't know anything really about him.
SPEAKER_00I'm so weird. That's so crazy. That makes me sound weird.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. I can see how you feel that way. No, me saying it out loud. But here's what I think why I'm interested in why you're doing this. Because to me, you're very guarded about your marriage and your relationship. And you're very, you put not in a negative way, but you put a wall around it. And I always looked at that as that was just your way of handling it as a wife. That was your version of having a sacredness around your marriage.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Sometimes I wondered if you were being secretive on purpose because you know, I'm always when I'm because I'm usually the single one, I'm always the one hearing about people's relationships. And nine times out of ten, they are bad. And when you're the single person, you really only hear about someone's partner when they're venting about them. So a lot of the people in my life, the things I know about their boyfriends, their husbands are negative because I no one calls you to go on and on and on and brag about when he bought you flowers. And maybe they feel like because you're the single person, they don't want to rub it in. But when you're fighting or you're angry, that's all you hear. So I felt like maybe you didn't want to share because if you brought up negative, it would make me not like him. Or you or at that's at best. And at worst, maybe you're trying to hide things that were negative because you didn't want me to judge because you know how protective I am over you. So I just felt like that's just how she's handling her marriage. And I'm not gonna, we we're so open and deep about everything else. I don't feel like it's a loss that I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage because I know everything else, so I don't really no mean way. I just don't care. That's your that's what you want to keep to yourself. You're allowed. You know what I mean? So that's how I look at it.
SPEAKER_00Is that a is that a question?
SPEAKER_01You want my you want me to it was not, but you can definitely respond.
SPEAKER_00It was not I think um the two things can be true. So I think part of it is the majority of it is I did not grow up around anyone who had a positive relationship. Going to church, I saw, you know, other people, but as far as like my family, I did not know anyone immediately. Yeah, they were married, but was it good? No. And everyone knew the ins and outs of their marriage. And I just I think for me to be able to understand and build what I was doing, and if to be honest, even if it was going to cause as wonderful as it felt, even when it was, even when we were dating and things were like we were going. Do difficult times and stuff like that. Is this going to last? Will this be my forever husband? You know, till death do us part. And in the beginning, I wanted to be sure of what I was doing. And part of it came from, okay, I don't want him because he does the same thing. Like, people know me, but they don't like no know me, know me. And it was like, okay, in our bad moments, are we wanting to discuss those with people? Like, is that something that we do we need, do we need to just make it so that we're dealing with it and we're discussing it with somebody, it's it's a professional, or you know, it's somebody who's experienced it to it that can help us. And then I think so. I think coming from like all with all those questions, like, okay, is this how we handle it? Like, naturally, we did just create this, like, this bubble. And I know there there were a few times though I have called you and been like, uh, but yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh fuck. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like this is But you haven't gotten crazy. It's it's never been like anything, you know.
SPEAKER_00When I I was pregnant, and he was basically irritated about a situation, and we were at someone else's place, and I was like, You need to come with me. And he was like, I'm not going in there, I don't want to deal. I don't want to deal. And I'm like, oh nigga, if I gotta come in here and deal, and I'm pregnant, and we got you're gonna come in here, and then that went south real quick, y'all. Um because I had to like let him know. And honestly, I apologize for it, but I can't say that I wouldn't do it again. Is that is that weird? Absolutely not. No, and and he know and he knows that. He knows that. So, but I'm not gonna put myself in front of the street because I'm not trying to be um, I'm not trying to be um judged too badly right now. But no, fuck that. No, but full transparency. I'm gonna be painfully honest. No, but full transparency. Full transparency. I was, I think at the time, what was I? I had to be close. I had to be like maybe like seven months. It was close enough. Them ankles was real thick. And for a big girl, I ain't got thick ankles. So them ankles, them ankles was real thick. And yeah, like I said, we were where we asked. We went to go see his grandmother. Now, I love, I love Granny. I love, I love Granny. Would do almost anything for her, but she's very sick then. And she's older now, she talks a lot and she judges a lot, and it was just like it was a long day. And um, it was I think because it was right around the time before we decided to to move up here, actually. I think it, yeah, I think it was probably like a month or two before we decided that okay, it's time for us to go up north, change the settings, get out of the situation. Um, and I get that he needed his space. I I get that he needed a moment, but I needed him to take the moment after I needed him. And so it just wasn't being um recognized, and it was making me very emotional and upset. And I feel like I don't, of course, on a constant, like I ask him for things constantly, but like in this moment, I don't think I've yet to be like, no, I really need you, because I haven't really been in a situation, whatever. And at the end of the day, I'm fucking pregnant. If I tell your ass, if I tell your ass, no, like for real, for real, men listen up. If I am carrying your baby, and I know that it's we we emotionally we go through a lot, we do demand a lot. It's just it is what it is. If you get a woman pregnant, it is what it is. If I tell your ass I need you to go somewhere and do something for this moment, and then you can have your P's and Q's, just fucking do it, just do it. And he did it. And this is why I tell you, people like, why do you believe in God? There's small moments like this, and why I know that the Lord is real because if Sheldon tells you the story, he thinks that I picked up a paper towel and hit him in the face with a paper towel. Oh, did you? In the car, yes, because we were in the car. He was leaning over, he was getting something out of like the middle console, and that's what he felt like. But you guys actually it was a bag of like four, five, six water bottles. Okay, yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_01So it was not paper towels, it was a bag of water bottles.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Way more painful. Got it, got it. So that's how I know that the Lord intervenes.
SPEAKER_01If he really thought that I hit him with Oh, you're saying like thank God he didn't realize what you actually hit him with.
SPEAKER_02Got it, got it, got it, got it, okay.
SPEAKER_00Yes, got it. Um yes, I know that it's wrong. You guys don't I don't want to make light of it because that's not it, it shouldn't make light of it.
SPEAKER_01Listen, here's stop. If you're listening and this makes you feel like judgy or triggered, I'm just gonna be honest. Just don't listen to this podcast. If you want something that's constantly correct and PC and go listen to, I don't know, somebody else. We are regular, jagged, okay? We're regular women. So if you are going to walk, because two things, one thing, two things can be true, two things for sure. We don't care, we could tussle. So please, we're going to say what we need to say and speak our truth. You can be a perfect robot in your car, yeah. Um listening to, you know, and judging, and you can judge from your car. But if you really are bothered by what really happens in real life, turn it off and go listen to Jay Shetty or Emma Greed or people who are just trying to sell you a dream and a lie and perfection. We're giving you real life rotate. If you don't want that, there's like 20 million podcasts out there. Go listen to that. Yeah. Yeah. We're not gonna make any more qualifications for what we're saying. We're gonna talk or we're gonna talk. We're not being racist, we're not being dangerous, we're not being hateful, we're being honest. Other than that, if y'all can listen to Joe fucking Rogan and be okay with it, and he's the number one podcast in the country. We can fucking say we threw a bag of water bottles at her husband. It happened. She was fucking seven months pregnant. Give her a break. Continue.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So um And she knew it was wrong.
SPEAKER_01Back off.
SPEAKER_00Sorry, I'm done. Yeah. But I think I it's like situations like that. I think I needed to call you and tell you because I knew I was wrong in my action, but I definitely wasn't wrong in my feelings. And so I needed to express that. And you did uh a great job as you do. Being able to be honest with me about, yeah, that's not the best thing you could have done or said. However, I understand and what's happening now. Like, y'all okay, what's going on? Where is he? Have y'all talked? Are y'all dealing? Because you can't just do that and then not have conversation. Something has to happen after. Something has to happen next. What's happening next? We can't ignore this, Akilah. Don't ignore this. This is not a standalone situation. Something has to happen after this. I think with having things like that, and then also putting extra pressure on myself, so not wanting to call and complain or not even call, like even with sharing the little cutesy stuff and like that. I say that in passing, but I think we just naturally formed this bubble around ourselves, and we we didn't share certain things we knew that we needed to handle within our relationship, and then if we start we wanted to share it later after we dealt with it, then that was something that was okay. It was purposeful and then not at the same time, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's crazy is I'm at a point where you're about to get a lot more, so just gear up.
SPEAKER_01And what's crazy is I have to disassociate because I don't remember any of that at all.
SPEAKER_03That's crazy.
SPEAKER_01But you know what? I've come to try again, being the forever consummate single person, I have certain rules, and I'm always surrounded by either women who are married or who are in relationships, like long-term relationships. What I have, the the role that I've decided to take is I will never tell someone to leave somebody. I will never talk negatively about their partner because they will get back together. And when they do, you're now the hating bitch, the hating lonely bitch, the man, mean one who hates their partner, who's talking negatively about their partner, who, you know, the man don't like you now because you done told his wife or girlfriend to leave him. And then you're no longer a safe space for that person because they feel like, oh, well, I already know she don't like him, I already know she can't stand him. So then you now don't want to tell me stuff or be as open because you feel like I'm gonna judge or that, you know what I mean? So I just try to be as neutral as humanly possible. And one thing that I do that's probably not very popular is I try to like I hate to say devil's advocate, but try to be like, okay, well, maybe from his perspective, he saw it this way or we don't always want to hear that shit. Yeah, but you know what I mean. Just so, just so you can I I truly believe at this point, especially if you're not leaving the person, you got to try to look at it from a positive perspective.
SPEAKER_00You got to try to that's a helpful thing that you do, though. Yeah, I mean maybe some people don't want that. Yeah, like I just said, I made the joke, but that has truly been helpful in our friendship whenever, because even if I've said something to you and it hasn't been in like full scale detail, you've still been like, okay, well, what about this part? You ask questions that help me to understand that okay, while this is what may have happened, why do you think that it happened? Yeah, do you like what is your part that you played in it happening if it's that situation? Because there's yeah, there's so many layers.
SPEAKER_01So that wasn't even like the first real question.
SPEAKER_00Or that that was that was only the first question.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that was the first one that led to the second one. Okay, my second question is growing up, marriage and love, what what did you think marriage and love would look like? And what what did you what were your like goals and hopes? Like what did you dream that your ideal marriage and what like your soulmate would look like? And how does that compare to what your actual marriage and your love relationship looks like now, and where are their differences?
SPEAKER_00Okay, so when I was like six, I said I was gonna marry a Puerto Rican, so that didn't happen. Um I am Puerto Rican. I don't know. I grew up in Massachusetts, I was in Massachusetts. That's probably why. There's a lot of Puerto Ricans in Massachusetts? Yeah.
SPEAKER_05No idea.
SPEAKER_01And I had a lot of people. Puerto Ricans be everywhere in Orlando, New York, Massachusetts, Miami. Good for the Puerto Ricans.
SPEAKER_00I know but honestly, I feel like as a little, I never really thought of marriage like that. You do the whole like play play thing, but I was never a little kid or a little girl. Was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna get married. I'm gonna, I'm I'm my wedding dress is gonna look like this, it's gonna look like that. The only thing I knew for sure is that when I had kids, that my daughter needed to have big brothers. That's it. I always said that. And it's so crazy because I didn't mention like who my husband was gonna be. I always said, when I have when I have kids, like my daughter's gonna have like two big brothers. She got three.
SPEAKER_01But did you think about even as you got older and you started dating, what you wanted your marriage or like what your soulmate would be like, or what your marriage would look like. Not the wedding part, like the actual marriage in your person.
SPEAKER_00So I personally, my ideas about my person were um they had to be able to be in a room with my father, which meant um they needed to not only be honest, but like fiercely loyal to me, so that anything that he said or did, if it wasn't correct, that he would stand up for me. I wanted someone who would stand up for me, stand up to my dad, not be easily shaken by him. I remember this one uh boy that I was calling my little friend back in high school. He called me when I was at my dad's house. And my dad was like, oh, give me the phone. And he was nervous, understandably. He's like a, you know, he's a 16-year-old boy, and he must have been stuttering because I couldn't hear him on the other side of the phone. And my dad was like, What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what's wrong with you? What do you slow or something? He was like doing stuff like that to him. And I was like, I would, I will never date anyone that can be embarrassed by my dad like that ever again. He was a child, was a he was a child. But I in my mind, I was like, my dad will never be able to do that to someone I like ever again. And that was the whole in sh and literally my husband was the next person he ever talked to or met. He never in between, in between, what is that? Like almost a decade, he never thought or spoke to anyone. But I knew that I wanted someone who was fiercely loyal. I wanted someone who stand on his own. I wanted someone who could we didn't necessarily have to live the same life, but could relate to me. Um I also I wanted someone who was a little like weird and quirky, that didn't like it's so funny because they say you want like this. What what was how did they used to say where like you want like a a a soft what is like a soft thug? Or what how did they used to? What is the I can't not a soft thug? That is so wrong, y'all. Please don't quote me on that. That is just that's not a soft thug, because that just sounds very unattraction. It doesn't crazy. That's crazy, very crazy. So I can't remember the terminology, so I'm just about to just let that go. And because I was trying to say that's not what I wanted. I wanted someone who Are you trying to say sensitive gangster? Sensitive gangster? There we go. Is that it? I don't know. I've I feel like I've heard that term. I don't think that's what you're trying to say. That's not what I was trying to say. However, that is sort of I think that's what I wanted. Because I didn't want what they were describing. That's more of I wanted I wanted someone who was empathetic, someone who was gentle. However, if I go out with them, I feel safe. I feel protected. That was uh one of the things that drawn me to Sheldon. So I feel like I did get them with um I remember one of our dates early on. We went eight, and then afterwards we went and we sat on the beach, and it was right after I'd watched the purge in the dark, like an idiot. I don't know why I used to love watching scary movies in the dark with my mentality. It would just haunt me for weeks. But after I watched the purge, I'm by myself in the dark. So we're on the beach, and like from afar, I can see like a group of people with flashlights, and I'm like, what are they doing? And then they're like looking around and they're talking, and then something about my little scary self was like, I don't want to be here. It just makes me feel uneasy. I knew it was a group of white people, but I just felt uneasy at the time. And I wanted off the beach, and you know what? He didn't look at me and say, Man, what's wrong with you? Like, we good, we here, like just chill or whatever. He was like, You sure he was like, You you sure? He was like, he was like, All right, let's go. We packed up our stuff and we went. And I wasn't questioned, I wasn't made to seem crazy. Um, and that I just felt really, really safe. And I think that was one of the biggest things I wanted from the person. I wanted to be able to feel safe. And I always want to be able to be me in all of me. And if and I was never able to do that when I was dating other people, there's always parts of me that I had to hide or cover up and couldn't share. And once we started to get to get to really get to know each other, I just like low-key, like I completely melted, and like my walls came down, most of them. Most nine nine eight at that time. Now it's 99.99. There you go. There you go. That's good. Gotta be honest. So, but I so I think I did get um most what I want. I want to say the difference is when you ask for like fiercely loyal at at a younger age, um, you don't think about the accountability part of it. Like that person being fiercely loyal to you is also going to be loyal to the fact that they want the best for you and for you to operate in a way that is the best for the relationship. So when you're not right, you're gonna get called out. And I think that's where that's where a different like I was not used to that. So I really had to learn to be humble and take criticism from someone who I thought should just like all of me and not criticize me. And like you're with me, so why do you gonna let it bother you? Be okay with it. I'm not a bad person. Like, you can handle a cuss out, even though it really wasn't your fault. Like, you can take it a little bit. I'm PMSing, I don't need to be corrected. Period. Get with it, you know. Yeah, so I think that's probably one of the biggest differences, like me having to understand that even though this person loves me, likes me, likes to be around me, spend time with me, like there are things about my personality that can run people the wrong way, or I don't communicate in, you know, or may not communicate in the best way. So I have to be able to take that criticism, and then especially from somebody with a penis. So yeah, I think that would disagree. Hard disagree. That's good.
SPEAKER_01I think you're perfect. So you know, okay, I don't have a lot of follow-up questions, but I do have one. Okay. You mentioned how you felt like you need you wanted your it was a big thing for you to have a partner that would protect you from or defend you against your dad. What do you think about having the most important male figure in your life be someone that again you need to be protected or defended against? How do you think that that dynamic between you and your dad in that respect informed the kind of partner you ended up with? Like what like how do you or or or how did that that outlook of your first interaction with the most important man in your life, the original man in your life at one point? How did that inform your ideas about love and relationships when it came to interacting with men, you think?
SPEAKER_00I think for me, it was because as much as my dad uh loved me, cared for me, wanted, you know, wanted the best for me. I true I truly believe that about him. He for a while and in his own, you know, relationship with my mother, and then seeing him with, you know, other women was not I feel like not the most caring and and careful about how he spoke to women and expressing himself. And so I think he's very selfish a lot of times. So I think one I think in a negative way, when in a relationship with a man, or even sometimes you know, when dealing with my husband, that when I see that selfishness selfishness, I'm like, oh no, we gotta nip this in the butt. Like, why why do you think this is okay? Why do you think that you can be like that? It is a very hot button for me. But I think in the biggest way, I feel like I had to always stand up to a man. Like I could never let a man think that he was bigger, better, smarter. Like, even though I never saw my dad being physical, that was like a history when before I was born. But I think I just didn't want to be that vulnerable, which is kind of weird because when you start having sex at a young age, that's very vulnerable. However, I could not be vulnerable with a man to where he thinks that he could like talk to me in any type of way or boss me around or make me feel like I was less than. So a lot of my conversations were very combative. Because even I think I told you this when me and Sheldon had our first conversation after he was given my number and the way like I was talking that Chathamite shit on the phone. Or I remember, yes, that's how I remember. That's how I remember. Yeah, my whole tone was like, This is who I am, this is what I won't take, this is how I handle my business kind of conversation. And he was like, There was a couple times I wanted to hang up on you because I'm like, okay, does she want to talk to somebody? Like, does she even want to be with someone? Like, does she like us? And so I think I just came off like really harsh. And so the people low key, some of the men who did deal with me for a long period of time, I'm like, Did you get a kick out of it? Did you like this toxic? You like this, you like this crazy shit. This is not okay. That should have been a red flag for you. But yeah, it made me harsh. It did.
SPEAKER_01You were like ready to fight because you were just expected to be a good idea. Well, I was about to that way.
SPEAKER_00I really I would say that I fight men, I fight old people, I fight babies, like I would, but I would let people know like I will fight a man. You understand?
SPEAKER_01You did. You you were you very much announced that I would be coming.
SPEAKER_00Beat a man.
SPEAKER_01Beat a man. Okay, my next question is so obviously all marriages require compromise. But are there any non-negotial that you've had that you've had to go back and then negotiate? Like some things that you would be like, this is the absolute no, absolute red flag. I would never that now in your marriage you realize you do have to accept. That's my first part of the question.
SPEAKER_00That's a good one. Dang, did my crazier did I have no non-negotial? I probably should have had some non-negotial. I don't even remember that what was wrong, wrong with me.
SPEAKER_01You didn't have anything that were like red flags, like things that you would be like, I would not take that in a relationship that you're like, now that you're in one, you feel differently about.
SPEAKER_00You know, my husband's a cigarette smoker, which is crazy to me because my dad used to smoke cigarettes, and it annoyed the shit out of me. I would hide his cigarettes. I would get in so much trouble for breaking them and flushing them down the toilet.
SPEAKER_01I remember you telling me this.
SPEAKER_00Yes, he would, ooh, he'd piss. I'd waste, I'd probably waste at least 40 bucks every every uh every couple of weeks when I was there. Because I was like, no, I'm determined to do it. And he would be like, stop going in my I can't, sorry. Um and I feel like that was something that I was willing to deal with because of the person he was. Sheldon, because of who he was to me and how he made me feel and how he cared for me emotionally, that it was like it was an irritant, but it wasn't, I really did I didn't stop liking him because of it. And he did, and the thing was I probably because he didn't try to hide it either, like I smoke cigarettes, you know, kind of thing. And you know, I still want him to quit. But that's something that he, you know, he needs to be able to do on his own because you quit for somebody else's. I don't that shit don't stick. Because as soon as you're super stressed out, they're going, you know, you know right up to it. Or buying out a pack of cigarettes. That's probably the the biggest thing because I would have never been like I've married to somebody who smokes cigarettes. And some people would be like, that's not a big deal. That's not a big thing.
SPEAKER_01I would never.
SPEAKER_00I couldn't imagine. Yeah, it's not a matter. I could not imagine.
SPEAKER_01I don't even want to be friends with someone who smokes cigarettes. I can't even imagine it. No, no, because I don't want to be around the smell, it's so offensive to me.
SPEAKER_00Okay, it's so, it's so crazy because I don't think that I would make if I had a friend that smoked, like, we wouldn't be friends for so long. We like smoking cigarettes, it's so it is very weird that I am married to somebody that smokes cigarettes. It's it is, it really is when I think about it. You asking this question because it is very annoying. However, it is something that I was like, okay, like I do. I I literally deal with because of who he is to me and how, and now you cheese me. That's crazy. I'm gonna do some magic. I'm gonna make him quick. We're gonna figure this out. What's that on?
SPEAKER_01And then my follow-up question is what would you tell your younger self about things that are worth compromising on from that retrospect?
SPEAKER_00Hmm. I think things that are worth compromising, I feel like if it doesn't see, I'm about to say this, but then I'm like, what if he get lung cancer? And then that does jeopardize our life. And then I already told him I'm not cleaning out no hole in his throat. That shit, I'm done. I already told him that.
SPEAKER_01The trade thing or whatever. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I told him I said, yeah, not I said, not doing it, not doing it. But I think things you would though. Shut up.
SPEAKER_02Um I mean, it's your husband. You you would have kind of have to, right?
SPEAKER_03Do I have to though? He doesn't work. He ain't need to do like I don't know how it works.
SPEAKER_01Or is it called what is it called? Is it trach or a stone? What is it called?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_01What are all for the tangents? I don't want to make it up. I don't want to be answered. I was thinking I was about to make some up. What would you tell your younger self about things that are worth compromising on?
SPEAKER_00Okay, so I think things that are worth compromising are the ones that um that don't jeopardize you feeling worthy, like your self-worth, that don't jeopardize your your safety and that you're still able to be open about how you feel about the compromise. Like if you feel you have to be quiet about the compromise and you can express that, hey, this may be a little difficult for me, or even you being unsure about the compromise. I think those things are okay to compromise, whatever category they fall under for you. I think if it doesn't make you feel like you're unworthy or unsafe, or you have to shut down about it, I think those are ones that you can consider. Never compromise on something that you feel like like this isn't right. If your gut does not sit well with it, I think women, we have to really, really pay attention to our intuition. It it's yeah, we've been given it for a reason. Consider the compromise if it's not gonna jeopardize your safety, your self-worth, and you can be expressive about it. Be open about how you're feeling about it.
SPEAKER_01I think those are good, like considerate reasons to compromise. Or as like you said, if you're not sacrificing those things, I think those are reasonable things to think about. Yeah. My next question. So obviously you're a mom to four, and with the age ranges, especially, there's a lot of demand there. You've kind of lightly talked about, you know, like the demand of showing up in a partnership, in a marriage. So you've got the the load of, you know, the role of being a wife, the load of being a mom, especially a mom of multiple kids. What do you feel like you've had to sacrifice or compromise as a mother in a wife because you were managing having to manage your household? So, what are some of the things you felt like you fell short on in motherhood to be a good wife, and things that you've had to maybe shortchange as a wife to be a good mother? That's my first question.
SPEAKER_00That's a good question. So I think as far as being a wife, ooh, um a wife versus a parent, I feel like it's a time and attention. And that really they're both to to no to my husband. Because these kids take a lot of time and these kids take a lot of attention. And even though like most of the time it he doesn't like there's there's really not any complaining, like, oh man, you don't come spend no time with me, you don't see me. I think mine shows up in him is like up in like the area of affection because like you know, your girl be tired. I'd be ti I'd be tired, and I will fall asleep on somebody very fast. So I I think it's taken me being more intentional about like really giving him that affection. I think I've talked about it before that I've wasn't I'm becoming, but I wasn't like a very affectionate person, like initiating the hugs and the shading the kisses, the kisses and stuff like that, or so and he is very feely touchy. That's what they say was love language is um physical touch, and so I think I've neglected that. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01This is a good You ain't neglected them that much. You now got four kids, yeah. But the thing's like that's um three or four times kind of sex, so look, oh gosh, I know.
SPEAKER_00Uh but I think it was more intimacy besides actually having sex. Um because he is somebody who like we get in the bed and want to cuddle and sometimes and I just want to go to sleep. Like we can cuddle me when I wake up or wake me up and cuddle me. Like, let me sleep for an hour. Let me get a little nap first before you cut me. But I think um, I think that's where neglect as far when it came to my marriage, but as far as sac because you use the word sacrifice, and I think my mind went to neglect, but I think more of the sacrifice did come from us being able to spend time together and prioritizing us to still stay connected and be intentional when it comes to being a parent, because I feel like as a parent, I like totally sacrificed my mind and my body for a while.
SPEAKER_01Well, what did you sacrifice like for your husband for the sake or yeah, what is what did you sacrifice for your kids for the sake of your husband? Like what what do you feel like your kids are getting less of or not getting for your role as a wife?
SPEAKER_00Honestly, right now I think to be a hundred percent transparent in this like present day, in this moment. To say it blame, it would be no, I'm shut down. Okay. I'm I'm I'm looking at your eyes. Like, don't don't clean it up. It it would, I would say it would be, I would say it would be our living situation and our our financial status right now. Because I I made a decision when we first moved up here, it was very hard for him to get a job. And he had a passion and he has a dream about you know being a screenwriter. And when I noticed and when I realized that okay, I can present date, I can get a job now, like I have an opportunity to have a job, and if you are having a hard time getting one, why like can we put some focus on this writing, put focus on your writing and you um working towards your dream? But that means that we were here longer. Because while I was working, I was you know, bills are being paid. It wasn't like to a point to where we could move past this place. So we've been here longer because of that. And I did, I did, I that is a big sacrifice that I think that I made for myself and for my my children, and hopefully they will appreciate it one day. And and I and not well, hopefully they'll appreciate it, but I do I believe that I made the right choice. I don't think that I made the wrong choice. Um, things have gotten tight and things have been hard, but that is one second I can say that I recognize that I did that out of being a wife and not, you know, and not as being a mother. Well, that's a good look at that.
SPEAKER_01Do you so based on that, like you're saying if for your like let's say for your kids, if your kids were in a position where they were in a relationship or they were in a partnership where they were not financially stable or financially secure, and maybe they didn't have the privilege that you had of, you know, being able to go, you know, stay with mom or be with mom, what advice would you give them about choosing their partner and choosing their partner's dream um if they were in the same position that you are in now? Like what would you what what what advice would you give them in that position?
SPEAKER_00To be very honest, I would hope I would catch it before they were in this position, but since that's your question, yeah. Um I would tell them to be honest about when if when or if your perspective on making that um that sacrifice changes for you. Because I think that it's like there are a lot of times you're in you're in this one situation, you've made that sacrifice, you've made that decision, but things start to change, or even you start to change. So your perspective, your outlook is is becoming different. Don't think that just because you you've already made this decision and that's how you felt at once that you don't have the rights to speak up and be like, okay, hey, things have, you know, things are looking different, things are changing. I think we need to revisit this instead of just sticking to it and being like, okay, well, this is a decision I made, and we've already altered things so that it can happen this way. I don't want to mess things up, or I don't want to make them upset, or I don't want them to think that they're not supported or anything like that. Like it's it's very important when things begin to to change for you in any situation that you have this conversation in marriage. Because when you don't, it is the easiest way for resentment to start to grow. And resentment can very easily churn to disdain and then hatred for some somebody that you're supposed to like, that you're supposed to enjoy, that you're supposed to love. And now you're in this atmosphere where it just doesn't, it's it does it it's not feeling good anymore. And no matter how like what hard times you go through in your marriage, like you should still feel good about the person you're with, even in difficult moments. Like, okay, this is hard, but you know, luckily I've gotten you, so we can do this, you know, we can do this together. And I think when people are afraid to to change in front of their partner, it gets difficult. And so in our situation, when I stopped working, we had to revisit that conversation. Like things have to change, and I know that they're changing fast, and um it's gonna be a transition. There's gonna be difficulty in the transition, but this is something that we have to address. We have to figure out a new plan. And we had the hard conversation. Um, it was difficult. We went back and forth with what we think we should do and the time frame and like and now, okay, where's that put us as far as our time frame and leaving here? Does it push us back? We're gonna be here even longer and and just having to deal with that reality of things. But if I hadn't had that conversation with him, if I would have been like, okay, well, let me just go and try to solve it on my own so that I don't upset him, I don't make him feel unsupported or like I'm switching up on him, you know. That's I think that's the term because people like to be like, oh, she done switched up on me. But no, you're things happen, people change. But even because even if I hadn't left the job, but I was just like at a point where like, hey, okay, either I need you to finance the awesome, we need both, yeah, we both gotta be doing this and stuff like that. And it just it is it is what it is. Um thankfully I have somebody who, you know, we're on the same page um most of the time. So for my child, I would be like, look, if this is if this this is your plan, okay, but if that ever changes for you, please speak up and be honest about why you're feeling the way you're feeling and what changes you think need to be made in order for you both to have peace of mind and joy and not hate each other in the long run.
SPEAKER_01Okay, and speaking of like change, like you said, people naturally change, people naturally evolve when you go through things in life, when you get new information, you naturally grow as a person. Or even if it's not grow and evolve, you just change who you were when you were 16 is not who you are at 36. Are there or not are there? But the question I guess is um when you who did you feel like you had to become to be able to live, be happy, and thrive in this marriage? And what parts of you did you have to either lessen, get rid of, evolve from that you miss to be a wife in this marriage?
SPEAKER_00Um, I like to fight and I wish I could still fight, but um I'd be wanting to fight so bad, y'all. I really like and it's not it's like in this house, not like my husband, like I'd be wanting to fight people, but I have children, so I can't be out here fighting people in the streets. Um I I've one that's like really simple, but it matters in a marriage is um having the last word. Oh Lord. Like, no, you hear I want to make sure that you uh hear what I'm saying and understand what I'm saying to the last breath of this conversation. Like as you're walking out the door, know that I said what I said and I'm gonna keep saying what I like that is just very combative. Um it um is a recipe for disaster. So I think honestly, that's what you miss? When you say, no, that's what I needed to. No, I don't I miss fighting. I miss fighting, but that's that really your answer you miss physically fighting. No, it's it's an it's part of my answer, but it's not the important part, you guys. Um it just honestly it did pop up in my head though when you asked me. But I do miss sometimes being able to say what I want to say, how I want to say it, and not a care that it's affecting you. I do wish that I could just say what I want to say, how I want to say it, how I'm feeling it in the same intensity that I'm feeling it, and that's how I'm feeling, so take it, but you can't because do you feel like you would have never came to that place without being married? I think it's never probably not, but it would have happened way later in my life. I think it was it, I think it was something that was sped up because I decided, you know, to be in a committed long-term then marriage, um, relationship, and then marriage, because um you can't just I mean you have to be careful with how you say things to people you can't take it back. Um you don't want to hurt the person's feelings with that you say that you love and you're committed to, like you're not supposed to be trying to hurt their feelings. Like that's that's not kind and it's not um it's not solution-based. And um, I had to learn to communicate outside of my feelings. So my tone and the language that I'm using doesn't necessarily have to reflect such frustration or anger. And I a lot of times that frustration and anger didn't even really come from him. I was triggered for something I didn't deal with. So I had to understand that when having an argument with him and it not being like, wait, I didn't even, that wasn't even, you know, for him, that was like that wasn't even my intention, but he triggered me. So now I'm treating him as if he purposely, you know, um intended to hurt my feelings or make me feel like shut out or something like that. But uh it's it's taken a lot of effort for me to be mature in my um in my communications with my husband, would I disagree with something, or even if the way he says something, I'm like, wait a minute, that I didn't like the way you said that, or um or I've said something and his response maybe wasn't the way I wanted him to respond. But you know what I miss? I miss, and this this is gonna be funny to you. Yeah, this is probably gonna be like funny. Somebody's gonna be like, that's not a big deal. But my husband, as protective as he is, I, you know, I got a lot of ass on this body, and I just walk through life, not caring where the ass goes, because it has to go with me. My husband is when like I like yesterday, I we were at the park and these people were behind us, and I'm like bending over, tying shoes, and he's like, babe, can you like move your ass over this way? Could you like bending over right in front of the face? I liked when I didn't have a husband, I really appreciated being able to take my ass wherever it went, bend over wherever I needed to bend over, and not have somebody point out the fact that my ass is in eye shot of another human being. I can't, I can't help it. But it's true, y'all. If you see your ass, you'll you'll get it. I can't help it. He'd be like, I'm like, what do you think? Don't put it on his lap. I know it's magnetic, but damn. You'll get it. But I think honestly, I I sometimes I do miss being able to just say I'd honestly being able to say whatever I needed to say, however, I needed to say it. And it's so funny because with friends, I was a lot more considerate when it came to romantic relationships. Well, I can't say a lot more. I was more shut up. I was more considerate. When it came to being in a relationship with the opposite sex, I was not. Because I felt like me as a girl, if you hurt my feelings, then I should be able to tell you as a man in whatever way I need to tell you to get my point across. And that's not true. That's not true. You have to be you you have to be considerate in how you speak to somebody that you plan to see after you say what you say to them. Um and share, you know, share space and share family. So and I'm still I'm I'm I'm still working on that because sometimes you'd be like, all right, you can't. I'm not stupid.
SPEAKER_01Don't talk to me like so you know, there's a lot of renewed conversation around women in this era, especially black women, like leaning into their own independence, independence, how being married is like not the center of a woman's world anymore, or how we have our expectations and standards around what it means to be a wife and even if it's worth it, are very different. You know what I mean? It's just not as vital as it used to be, or that's the conversation that's that's happening with with your daughter, you being a wife, but obviously the way the world is changing and evolving, what would you what advice would you give your daughter about marriage, about the priority of finding a man or being in a marriage or being a wife? What kind of conversations would you have with her and your hopes for her in finding a partner one day?
SPEAKER_00So I think my biggest thing for her would be to before she even thinks about having a serious relationship. I think it's healthy for people to casually date. I think it helps you to learn people. I'm you know, I'm big on understanding people and how they move and and it helps you to see what you want and what you don't want. But I think my biggest thing for her would be to establish a life of her own before she even thinks about coupling with somebody else. Um, I think it's very important to to know who you are, to know what you like, you dislike, to, to understand what you what you need from human connection and um in a relationship and m be able to support yourself uh financially and to have a strong friend group. And I think there's just certain foundational things that should be going on in your life before you commit yourself into blending a life with someone else. I think having friends, if you go into a relationship, he should not be your only friend, he should not be your in all be all. That's just not healthy um for you, and then it's not healthy for that person to always have to be someone that you for them to be your all, that's very demanding and emotionally exhausting. And you shouldn't be that for that person, you know? Um also knowing if somebody needs therapy. I think me and my husband, neither one of us knew that. Neither one of us needed therapy. Um everybody needs therapy locally. So, yeah. So I think like understanding someone in their background and where they come from. Because I think it was like so, it was just like this one thing. Like they were like, as far as women, like, oh, if he if he knows, if he loves his mom, if he has a good relationship, you know, if he has a good relationship with his mom, then you know that's something that you know he can be trusted, or I don't like it. It was like very small. No one ever really talked about like his whole like family dynamics, period, and what you would be walking into. I mean, down to aunts and uncles. Like you dating somebody, go to a couple of cookouts, go to some weddings. Like, you don't you don't have to be like in this long-term committed relationship to go to places like like go early on, girl, so you know whether or not you can vibe with this family because some families are a lot. Um, I think besides that whole foundation, like mental health is a huge, huge, huge conversation that I would have with her about hers. Um just overall body image, like your self-confidence, self-worth. Oh, there's so much. There's so many conversations that I didn't I didn't have until later with my mother. Um, I know it sounds so vague and broad, but having your shit together.
SPEAKER_01I completely get what you mean.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Because uh it's not and it's not like, oh no, you have to be like this rich, you gotta be, you know, see, you got to be at CEO level and all. No, it's just simply like, hey, if you're working this steady nine to five, say like Yeah. Yeah. Because we, and like I said, I think another episode we were talking about, like me and my husband, we decided to get into this relationship where we weren't at a um, I felt like we weren't at a stable place. And like it, it just it shows that we did not have a certain foundation when we were married. And so we sort of like are fighting to learn and understand and to get those, you know, to get to a place where we'll have that together. Um, but we didn't establish that independently. So it's just, you know, it makes things harder. It's just it just does. And you don't that if that's something you can teach your children early on, I mean that's that's a blessing in its own, because ain't nobody bless my ears. I think that's a great answer.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I okay. This question is the last question.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna challenge you for this question to answer it. Like if you really can't find an answer, I didn't want to give you the out, but like, okay, but like try to find an answer and don't care about like who it may or may not have fit or how it comes across. Like, yes, ma'am. So this question and is another like kind of multi-part question. Okay. So what do you think married women, including yourself, sometimes don't want to admit about single women? Like, what's the judgment or assumption that you may have about single women? That's not necessarily positive. That's why it's kind of like on a judgy, from a judgy perspective. Like, what do you think about like single women, especially now as a wife?
SPEAKER_00I think for me, and it was something that I had to learn not to to do with you because of the way you were you like responded to me, but it was needed. I think just assuming that one you need a partner that if you're saying like, oh, I don't want like right now, I don't I don't want that, or even if it's like and I'm telling you that I don't want that at all, just allow like normalizing that, that's okay. Because I feel like as a married woman, sometimes you get because I can I know that early on when I was married and I got married, and you would say things like, I'm not, I don't like, I don't want to get married, or like I don't see that, you know. Your thing would be that you're like, I don't see that in my future. And for some reason, I felt like when you said that to me, like that you don't see it in your future, that you were saying that not that there was something wrong with you, but like I read it when you said it to me, like there's like this incapability of, or like there's something wrong. I think, yeah, maybe it was that there was something wrong with you. Like, that's just not for me. It's just not gonna happen for me because it hasn't happened already. And like me as a married woman feeling like I have to now big you up or tell you, like, oh no, it's it's yours, it's out there for you. Just wait, put yourself in the right place. Do you know, just don't, don't close your mind off to it and things like that. And I always I I believe with anything, like you don't, if it's something that you adamantly don't want to do, okay. But I feel like there's nothing we shouldn't, as human beings, just shut ourselves out from the possibilities, period. However, married women, us making it our responsibility to make sure that single women find a partner is should not be a thing. Leave people alone.
SPEAKER_01You don't have to clean it up. You don't have to clean it up. That's just where you're yeah, I think that's very common. Yeah. But you were gonna add on, you had something else after that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because a couple times you'd be like, okay, Akila, like, all right, but I this is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm saying for my life right now, whether it be forever or not, like this is just what it is. And like, like, accept it. It's not your life. Accept it. You don't need to be pressured into believing that you have to find a companion. And it was so funny because, like, side note, I was doing my devotionals and I read um, don't ask me what scripture it was from people. Don't ask I'll I could look it up and I could share it if you wanted it. I I have not memorized the Bible. I'm and but it was a um, it was something that Paul, one of the apostles, said, and it was like he talked about being single being a good thing. And it was so crazy that I was reading about marriage because a lot of times people are always quoting when you find a wife, you find it a good thing. And that is the only scripture that they quote when it comes to like relationships outside of like friendships, your relationship with Jesus and God, when it comes to a relationship, I've never saw this scripture talking about being single is a good thing. And it was in the context of it was a less stressful. And I think that even growing up in the church, but if you grow up with any kind of religious background, marriage is such a huge expectation of you that when that's not happening for you or when it doesn't happen for those around you, it's like you almost feel this responsibility to be the person who encourages this person to get to this point because they're supposed to. That's what we're supposed to do. And then oh, outside of the world expectation for a woman to be successful is being a wife. That's part of looking successful. And I think that it's unfair, it's very limiting, um, and it's dangerous because people have attached themselves to people who were not for them, who aren't even for human beings, you know, in relationships um that didn't serve them in any way positive, or just took a lot from them and then changed who they were, and now are changing how they show up in this world. So I think it's very important for married women to one, mind a damn business, but two, to be supportive of your single friends' decisions for their lives, period.
SPEAKER_01And the last question, this is part of this question, is what do you think single women misunderstand or get wrong about marriage and being a wife?
SPEAKER_00Um that you have to lose yourself. Because I feel I feel like while I've had to mature and there are things that I've sacrificed and things that I probably don't do at this moment, which I don't think they're taken from me forever, but while there are delays, I think that I'm who I'm supposed to be. Like I believe that as far as my character, my personality, the way I express myself. When you find a partner who truly respects not only you, but enjoys who you are, and that's they fell in love with all your little quirks and your highs and lows and stuff like that. And they really enjoy being able to support you and to comfort who you are and to be a part of making things better and celebrating you. You don't have to stop being you, you don't need to stop who you hang out with. Like Sheldon has never made me feel like, oh, I can't hang out with you because you're single. Like, oh, your best friend's single, that's a problem. Like, I've never felt like, oh, I couldn't meet. We've also never hung out since you've been married, really.
SPEAKER_01Other than my birthday. But I mean, I mean, I was in a relationship. My boyfriend's here. Yeah, that's true. Oh, that is true. Or my ex-boyfriend was here. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00But I digress. You didn't let you hang out with me. Uh don't even go there. He took, he's I'm gonna fight. Don't even go there. Okay. Don't even go there. I'm top. Okay, we're not up. Rewind. Delete, what's that? Delete, delete, reset. Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. But yeah, honestly, I never felt that. So I've been a little naive and not really understood when other women were like, I completely myself, and I would just be so into the whole routine of being a mom and making sure they're good and fostering their character and their personalities that, you know, I wasn't always um who I felt like I should be, but I never felt that in my marriage. Like I never felt that I couldn't like the music I liked or wear the clothes that I liked, or even go plays like doing this podcast. It's not like he sat down and was like, okay, there's certain things that you can't discuss now, Laquila. He actually told me, remember, it should be yourself. Like that's what people are gonna be drawn to. You're on there and you're holding back and you're not, you know, you're not being honest about things, or you're like wanting to like shield and not say things because you think somebody's gonna judge you, it's not gonna come off the same. It's not gonna be relatable. You need to be who you are. So I think that's one myth that can be disbarred. And the only way that is disbarred is by finding somebody who uh truly appreciates you, like who you are and supports who you are. Because if you have somebody, and most of the time in the beginning, you'll sort of realize that that person isn't for you 100%, because they'll start to like make comments about the way you dressed or your friends or the places you want to go to hang out and stuff like that. Like, as much as my husband would not be dragged to a drag show, he ain't tell me that I'm a heathen for wanting to go to a drag show, or I'm he hasn't called me a weirdo for you know, for those kind of things. I know nowadays don't like hearing. If you have some toxic relationships, those will be challenged. But fundamentally who you are, no, they're gonna embrace it and they're gonna want you and encourage you to continue to be who you've been. Mm-hmm. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Those are all my married lady questions.
SPEAKER_00Some Ashley. I know I felt like I would I, you know, I fell on the hotspot a couple times, but I thank you for helping me be transparent. You're such a good best friend. You did great. You dig great.
SPEAKER_01Tens across the board.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01I don't know why now I'm like nervous.
SPEAKER_00I wasn't your armpit still ready. Yeah, a little bit. This is gonna be great. This is gonna be something.
SPEAKER_01Well, I just want to remind everybody, Mercury is in retrograde, so if I have a little bit of a group chat, let me tell you about something that has been saving my life lately.
SPEAKER_00One thing about me, I'm a busy mom who still wants to show up cute. School drop-off, grocery runs, school pickups, errands back to back, and I'm trying to show up fine every time. Well, at least most of the time. Not because I have extra time. Trust me, I don't. But looking cute is just part of how I move, even on the chaotic days. The problem though, my hands were not keeping up with the rest of the fit. Between washed and retwisting, cleaning and just life, my nails were the first thing to go. As a mom, I'm still trying to prioritize looking good when I pull up to girls' night, or when me and my husband finally get a date night, and I want him to look at me like it's the first time all over again. That's why I'm obsessed with press-on nail sets from Press by Adrielle. These aren't your regular drugstore press-on. Every set is handcrafted and hand painted by a woman-led small business, and the designs are absolutely gorgeous and original. And if you want something specific, they design custom sets. What I love is the flexibility. I can do long, sexy stilettos when I'm feeling a little spicy or short and cute when I want to be a little more demure. And when I'm done, I can literally pop them off, store them, hide them from my three-year-old daughter, and use them again later without destroying my actual nails. And the best part, group chat, the sets are only $15. You heard right, $15. Which means I can have a set for every mood and still spend way less than I would at the salon. So if you're like me, short on time, but never short on glam, and want to keep some extra change for that girl's night, go check out Pressed by Adriel and use promo code TOOTHINGS for a free sizing kit with your order. That's Pressed by Adriel. Now on Etsy.com. And if you favorite an item in the Press by Adriel Etsy shop, you will receive 50% off that item. Now that's pretty dope.