Two Things Can Be True
Two Things Can Be True is an unfiltered, laugh-out-loud conversation between two lifelong friends, Aqueelah and Ashley. They’re getting real about motherhood, careers, creativity, and all the messy, magical, in-between moments of adulthood. Honest, hilarious, and a little nostalgic, they prove you can laugh and learn, be soft and strong, and hold two truths at once.
Two Things Can Be True
Episode 22: Can I Ask You Something? | Single
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Unpack with us - what’s your take on things?
Episode 22: Can I Ask You Something? | Single
Part 2
What really goes on when you build a life entirely on your own terms?
In Part 2 of this special interview series, Aqueelah flips the script and asks Ashley the questions so many women have wondered but never had the chance to ask. Not to judge. Not to compare. Simply to understand.
From freedom and loneliness to dating, identity, family pressure, timelines, and the everyday decisions that shape single life, nothing is off limits. Ashley opens up about her singleness with a level of honesty she’s never shared publicly — reflecting on the expectations she’s faced, the realities she’s living, and the woman she’s still becoming.
This isn’t a debate between marriage and singleness. It isn’t relationship advice. And it certainly isn’t a blueprint for how anyone else should live.
It’s one woman’s lived experience.
Whether you’re single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, or somewhere in between, this conversation invites you to listen with curiosity instead of comparison. Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is understand a life that looks different from our own.
| New episodes every Saturday. Follow us on Instagram @twothingscanbetrue.podcast and join the Group Chat.
Hey group chat, before we jump into today's episode, we want to hear from you. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, Castbox, Podbean, or any other supported platform, check the top of the show notes or episode description for the link that says Unpack with us what's your take on things. Click it and send us a text or voicemail with your thoughts on today's topics, your perspective, feedback, or even just a quick, hey girl, hey, we're unpacking together over here, so don't be shy. And for those listening on Spotify, the comment section is wide open, boo. Love you guys. Alright, ladies. Y'all have been waiting all week, and it is time for part two of Can I Ask You Something?
SPEAKER_03And this is Ashley's single edition.
SPEAKER_04I just want to remind everybody's Mercury is in retrograde. So if I have a little bit of a crash out moment, please forgive me.
SPEAKER_03Don't spazz out too bad. Don't spaz. No, you know what? If you spaz out, spaz all the way out if you need to. No. Let me sorry.
SPEAKER_04I've been drinking water since Monday for a reason. I'm doing great. So I should be, I should be doing good.
SPEAKER_03My first question for you is what part of your life would look different if society didn't prioritize romantic relationships as much as they do. Almost like what we were just talking about, focusing so much on she needs to have a man. She needs to be in a relationship and have a companion to be worthy of whatever they deem worthy.
SPEAKER_04I would say that is a huge part of it. I think the conversations I have with people would be a lot different. I wouldn't have to feel like I had to defend my position. I think it gets to a point almost where you get defensive about it. I just feel like I wouldn't justify or explain or even internally feel like, well, damn, am I wrong? Or is this bad? Or, you know, is something wrong with me? Because I don't, in my gut, I know it's not a bad thing, but I wouldn't even question it in my mind if it weren't for society or like it seems either you are here or you're there, and it's us versus them type of thing when it comes to married and single women. I think if the world calmed down about that, it wouldn't feel like that. It would feel less intense, yeah. Not being married at 37 years old.
SPEAKER_03Not saying it like that. I'm just no, that's but but that tone comes from how people make you feel. Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. And so with that, when is the last time that what's the situation the last time someone made you feel almost like uncomfortable and to a point like inferior for being single? You know what's crazy is this will shock people and a single mother at that. Let's add that layer because people are.
SPEAKER_04So let me say, let me give you both answers. I'll give you the first answer. I think it would surprise people to know for me almost every day. Honestly, if not daily, weekly. Just in these past two weeks alone. I was at the hair salon. I love my salon and my stylist because it's barbershop level conversation, the way we get loud, talking about life and relationships. And it was literally a three-on-one where three married women versus me. And I and I said this and I meant with my whole chest, but I knew that once it left my lips, they were gonna have a mental breakdown. I was like, I don't think I'm wife material. And they were like, Oh, Dr. Yeah, you are, and I'm like, hold on. I don't think you're hearing that the way I'm saying it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04The idea is that being wife material is like a plus. Like it's like saying, like, your pussy's wet, right? Like, those are things you aspire to.
SPEAKER_03The level of worthiness.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, right. And so they were like, You're amazing. I'm like, no, I am amazing. No, you're a great. No, I am great. No, like all those positive attributes that you're saying, I am those things. I don't conflate that with being wife material. When I say I don't think I'm wife material, I don't think I am willing to put up with things because they're all also talking about their marriages, and it's the positive, the negative, the normal stuff. And I was like, I just don't think I would put up with any of those things in my life. I wouldn't want to compromise or change my life to accommodate those things that you guys are accommodating. And that's what I took that as. I think someone who's married is someone who is willing to make space for a partner that I just don't see at this time in my life I'm willing to do. Yeah. Literally a couple days after that, my mom's really close friend, or she was like her best friend from like back in the day, the entire time the lady was here. She is talking about how I need a man, I'm gonna probably find a man soon, and my mom's gonna be here by herself, my mommy find a man. She would not stop talking about like life with a man and how necessary it was and how important it was and how we need to prioritize and we need to go find a man. She brought up every chance she got, and I was like, girl, please. And this is like a woman in her 50s who's still single. Um, so yeah, so I'm just being honest, she is. So, as far as people reminding me about that choice, it's constant. And the single mom part, when you call me a single mom, I naturally get defensive because I'm a mother who happens to be single. I think when people say single mom to put my relationship status before my motherhood almost puts me in a different category of you as a mother. As if you being a married mom makes you a different kind of mom than me, or a better kind of mom than me. Or I'm not in love with the term single mom. I'm a mom who happens to be single.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Especially in the black community, is so derogatory. And the connotations of you being poor, uneducated, can't keep a man, can't find a man. So many negative things come with being a single mom, and none of those things are a reflection of me or any woman that I know who has kids who isn't married. It's like being called a baby mama. It's just like I'm a mother, period.
SPEAKER_01So I get that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I just don't enjoy the connotations that come with it. But all of that is because of what society has drilled in our heads about being single and being a mom with no, you know, a mom without a husband or partner or whatever. So yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like another one of those terms that just completely cuts in half like who you are and takes away.
SPEAKER_04There's always a way, I feel like, to slight a woman who is not living by society standards. And there's always a way to give microaggressions to women who are not living by society standards when none of that is afforded to men. I think that's crazy.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Cause honestly, me and my husband were having a conversation. I was like, they're a single, they're a parent who is single. It's not like a single parent. Like they're not doing it on their their own. And even if they are doing it on their own, they are a parent first in that category of things of where you want to, yeah. Why is my relationship status even a part of the conversation becomes my parent thing? Exactly. That was it exactly like the relationship status should not even be up for discussion. They're a parent. Right.
SPEAKER_04And then if a if you're a single mom, it's like, oh, she's poor. But if you're a single father, you're a fucking hero. It's like, oh, you got it.
SPEAKER_01Very weird. Very weird.
SPEAKER_04But that but again, I think that's just what society does.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So my next question is with all you know society's expectations, what freedoms do you cherish that others overlook? And would you consider having those freedoms having to sacrifice something else to have those freedoms? Or do you feel like, no, I have this freedom and that's that?
SPEAKER_04Okay, well, let me answer the first part and then I'll ask the second part again. Okay. So, what freedoms do I feel like I have being a single person? Um, I would say all of them. There's a freedom in what I imagine my life to look like. My biggest dreams, my biggest hopes for myself, for my son. I don't have to attach or change or move any of that around in regards to someone else. So if my dream is to relocate and live in London for a year, I don't have to consider what my partner wants to do. I can even go live in London for a year.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I do have to consider my son, but um, I just I don't have to worry about what someone else thinks about it or feels about it. I can just kind of make it on my own. And yeah, the way that I get to move through life and the way that I choose to evolve, the way I choose to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, are all completely centered around myself, not centered around how I show up in a relationship. So I think those are freedoms that I appreciate. Now, can you explain the second part of the question one more time?
SPEAKER_03So the second part, because some people would say, okay, so to have that freedom, you're making sacrifices. Do you think that that's true? Do you think that you're making a sacrifice to have that freedom? Or do you think that that's not that's not the case at all?
SPEAKER_04I can see how someone would say it's a selfish thing to basically say, I'd rather be able to pick up and do what I want to do over having a partner. I'd rather be selfish and move on my own than be selfless and do it with someone. As far as compromising, there are some things I just don't imagine myself compromising on that I probably would have willingly compromised on before.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Just to be in a relationship. I've never been in a relationship where I felt like what they brought to the table outweighs the things that are really important to me.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, um, I don't think it needs to be considered a sacrifice. And I think that's where some people sort of get it wrong. Like it can be a choice that I'm making that with every, I feel like with everything, like you're doing something or not doing something. So does that the one that you're not doing really have to be considered a sacrifice? Why can it just be like the choice that I'm not making? But you know, hey, right. All right, so you're single. However, with dating, how do you feel about dating at this point in your life? And are you interested in it? Are you like, no, I'm gonna take me a beat? And that's the first part. And then if you are, what qualities impress you less than they did when you were younger?
SPEAKER_04Um, okay, well, first question Am I interested? Um I'm not gonna say I'm not interested. It's just not a priority. It's not something that I'm actively seeking out, I'm not actively trying to do. I read this article today that men need to make themselves more fuckable, and I agree. I think as women, it's so important for us to grow and evolve mentally, emotionally. Um, it's such a big to-do made about how we look physically. Every fucking day there's a new cream, a new treatment, a new skincare. We are all going to look 25 forever and the men are gonna look a thousand. It just feels like women are evolving and growing at a rate that's very diametrically opposite to where men are. Like we talked about smoking, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_04If you were still smoking cigarettes and your husband didn't like it, I feel like you would, for your children, for your husband, for your health, you would make a pointed effort to be like, this is not ladylike, this is not cute. Like you would really put your all into no longer being a smoker because as women, that's just what we do. We constantly want to be better and we want to evolve. Whereas for men, it's very much like love me as well.
SPEAKER_00You better talk. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04It's it's very much like love me, love them as they show up, love them as they are. You'll have a man give you a list of all the things that he wants in a woman, and he is none of those things in comparison. God forbid he is whatever the list of what makes men a catch. Then he wants a fucking bionic woman. You know what I mean? I think the reason why I'm not like dying over it from my experience, I just I haven't met a man who I have been super attracted to or interested in or seen or been around or walked past or heard about. And I just feel, at least for me, I have so much more joy in becoming the best version of myself. And I fear that once I get to that place where I'm really, really into me, then it'll be even harder to find somebody who I'm interested in because I because then you look at them and you're just like, This is what I did with my time in my single time working on myself. What this is what you did? Okay. It's just like, okay. What was your second question?
SPEAKER_03What are qualities that are less attracted to you now that before you were like, oh yeah, that's I need that. Put that on my list, put that on my list. And now you're like, no, that's not even important anymore.
SPEAKER_04Um, qualities that I liked before in a guy, you know what? I used to love a guy who was a little bit of an asshole. Like how you said, you're a little mouth and a little tough, so am I. So I liked a guy who you're not gonna let me walk all over you and just let me just run the show. And I used to like a guy who had a little bite back. I don't like that shit anymore at all. I have no fucking interest in mentally competing. But at the same time, that doesn't mean I'm gonna make myself smaller so he's not being competed with either. I used to like a guy who was a little tougher and not a bad boy at all, but just somebody who could mentally and intellectually keep up with me who wasn't intimidated by me. I like someone who who didn't find me intimidating. And I don't know, it that does evolve into a sassy man. That evolves into a man that wants to humble you. And it's like, well, why do you need to like lessen me because of that? So yeah, now I don't find that shit cute at all. That was the biggest thing. I've never really cared about a guy having a lot of money necessarily. Um I I did really like a guy who I felt this person has potential, never fucking again.
SPEAKER_01No. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I'm not dating anybody who's respectfully working on or working towards or hoping one day I can't. We all have goals and we all have aspirations and dreams, but I think there's a difference between someone who has a dream and someone who is, you know, they're actively, genuinely for real, doing real work, seeing fruits of their labor. And there is something grounding and real that is helping them sustain their life attached to that dream. Yeah. I think with my son's dad, I really truly fell in love with who I thought he could become through my influence, who I knew he could become if he was around what I was around. And that's just not how that works. And people that I did after that, it was always like what we're gonna grow into one day. And I think that that's that's valid. I think you take two people, like you said, and you grow and you become strong together, but also both people have to have a good foundation. And I think if that person doesn't have a stable foundation first, I can't do anything with that. I can no longer help somebody rise above their raising. I can't take you from zero to a hundred. You have to at least be stable on your own first before I help you or grow with you and struggle with you through uh I just I'm not I I'm not I'm not dating somebody with potential. Sorry.
SPEAKER_03At this age, yeah, no, I can't do it. Like that really is some like early 20s. You guys aren't putting together like, oh, this is who they'll be eventually. It's not yeah, no. At this age, it it's complicated, it's messy, it's way too uncertain. Life is uncertain by itself. Like this way, that's yeah, that's a whole nother reason.
SPEAKER_04And I don't judge it. I don't judge it because, like you said, you know, your husband has goals and dreams, and you know, when you guys met, he wasn't where he needed to be. You were I that's that's for you. I'm just saying for me, uh it's just it's not something I'm willing to, and it's not about good or bad, right or wrong. It's just not something that I am willing to put up with.
SPEAKER_03And I and I think that has to be your normal part of conversations among women and among people who are single, dating, married, engaged. Like I can sit at a table with you and say that something isn't for me and the other person need not get offended because they're in that situation. Yeah. Because if you're in the and honestly, people who let's just be very, very real, if you get defensive, you know it's true. There's something true, and there's something that is unsettling with you, unsettled with you about your own relationship. So the hundred percent you gotta dig into. Don't cuss me out and tell me I'm being rude and I'm talking about you. Yeah. Because I said something that hit home.
SPEAKER_04And there's a way to deliver it that can be disrespectful, that can be flippant, and you're clearly trying to shit on me. Yeah. But I think you understand that where I'm at in my life, I'm just saying, I don't think it's a bad thing. I just know it wouldn't work for me. But also, I've done it. So it's not like I'm coming from a place of just judging. Yeah. I did it. I was there, I was in it, I had a baby with that person. Like I had every intention of marrying that person. But I think what I realized, and you know, life happens the way it's meant to happen. But what I realized was with him, I was gonna spend the rest of my life course correcting. I was gonna spend the rest of my life having to get him to the next step when, and that's okay, but I he did not have the ability or the capacity or the intelligence to do that for me. Because as much as I felt like I would and could guide him, I didn't understand at in my 20s that my career path wasn't gonna be flawless and easy as I thought it was either. And there will be moments where I would need him to guide me and give me advice as a partner. You want to be able to go to the person that's a relationship with, you should be able to. And if I gotta always make sure that you're doing the right thing and I'm always sacrificing for your dreams, how are you going to have the ability to do it for me in return? And I just realized that that wasn't going to be the case, and that's not a bad thing. I just don't want to do that again.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so let me just say this. Because I know you're saying it's not a bad thing, and that's sort of like not to offend somebody. However, if you're in a relationship and you have to constantly if you're that's not it's not enjoyable too, because if you're let me let me stop.
SPEAKER_04Because I'll before you say that, let's be real. When you explain to me, like with Sheldon and the screenplay and the screenwriting, the way that you explain it or the way that you see it, understand it, is probably very different than the way that I see it or understand it. So the same way another woman could explain her scenario to you, and you'd be like, girl, what the f-like are you crazy? You know what I mean? You may see hers as ridiculous. What I see as having to help someone get from next step to next step may look like you just being supportive to your eyes. Whereas in her scenario, you may look like it as like girl, he ain't going nowhere. So that's why I try to be very careful about how I word it because the way it looks to you in your situation may not align with what I'm saying. So it's just I don't judge anybody's. If you are married to somebody who's still trying to be a rapper at 50, I can joke and make jokes and talk shit, but who am I to say that that's not that they shouldn't support any if it sits well with your soul, that's I think the difference between a lot of single women, a lot of married women, is that because we're so used to being judged, we are very not judgmental, especially at this stage of the game. People don't allow us to be judgmental because it's like, well, you ain't got a man, so what do you so I think you're forced to kind of really and truly be like okay, that's what keeps you happy and you want to be in that marriage?
SPEAKER_03That's oh, okay. So going into uh motherhood, how do you think being a mother has shaped like your new standards for your life of what you will accept and how you want to move and the things you will and will not tolerate anymore? How do you think motherhood has helped shape those standards?
SPEAKER_04I think in positive and negative ways. I remember when I first broke up with my son's dad and I was gonna move on in a kind of relationship. And so, you know, you make your list of what you're looking for in a partner, and my mom and my sister, I read it to them, and they were like, the whole list of what you're looking for in a partner cannot be based on your son. But it was. Oh, wow. My entire list was really, and I didn't do it intentionally, but I have a little boy. So in my mind, if I'm bringing a man around him, it should be a man that I would want my son to emulate or to grow up to be in every way, in every way. Not just in personality and behavior. I wanted somebody that if my son grew up to be exactly like that man today, not who he will be someday, not who he will grow into be, but who he is right now at 4 39 Friday, June 26th, that's who I would bring around my kid. So that was a big thing. I still feel that way. I wanted to be someone who my son will look up to. I wanted to be someone who I want my son to emulate and be like. And I wanted to be someone who is going to show my son how I would want him to treat a woman. But I think the problem with that too is I have such high hopes and standards for my son. And I think he already is such an incredible kid. And I'm not one of those like psycho boy moms who thinks her son like pisses gold by no means. But see so much potential in the kind of person that he's can be as a young man and as an adult. Yeah. That it's like, yeah, I do feel like, well, when I see certain behaviors or certain traits, I'm like, oof, this is if my son responded in this way, it would be a problem for me. Why would I accept that in a partner? If my if my son was at this age, still, you know, struggling this way, that would not be okay to me. So I think that makes it harder. And especially as my son gets older and older and more aware of things, I think it concerns me even more because what he may not have noticed or clocked at five or six, he's now 12. And he's definitely gonna notice when a guy is lazy, when a guy is disrespectful, when a guy has microaggressions, when a guy doesn't fundamentally respect women. So it makes it even harder, I think, to bring him around or as a as a mom dating a guy and letting him be that deep in my life. And then the guy that I dated, it was a full year almost. Oh no, it was a year before he met my son. And immediately he was happy and excited because he was like, Oh, mom has a boyfriend. And he was like, Is he gonna be my dad? I was like, Slural. But kids do that, and you don't think that kids think about or care or notice what they do. And I remember we broke up shortly after because the way he started to move, it started to get more nerve-wracking to me. This is not what I want my son to see. And my son was like, He didn't do anything wrong, he was awesome. Like, you met him twice, please. But kids get attached quicker to people than you think they do, and they pick up on energy and assume things really quick. So that also has made me want to be even more cautious because you don't know what your kid's picking up that you even if you that person's perfect, you know what I mean? Yeah, so that that definitely is a huge it informs it quite deeply.
SPEAKER_03So, what is the most important skill or characteristic that as a mother you want to instill in your son? You have to like women full stop.
SPEAKER_04Being in love with a woman, being sexually attracted to a woman is one thing. I think a lot of men now it seems I'm not even gonna say they don't like women, they haven't been taught that they have to like women, that they haven't been taught that they have to like women who they're not attracted to or that are not conventionally attractive. They don't have to like women that are not showing interest in them. A lot of men, and it's I'm not even gonna say nowadays, because it's across all ages. I think as women now find their voices more than before, as women create identities outside of wanting or needing a man, you realize that if you're not fawning over or behaving in a way that makes a man the center of something, they will be mean to you. That's all races, whatever, all walks of life, wealth, whatever. Our entire lives have been very centered around being pleasing and appealing to men. And the moment that you don't, you realize that men don't have that much interest in you. The moment that there's not sex on the table, or even the possibility or option to fuck. I I've gone to so many conferences or meetings. What was that thing that I went to? It was like a festival where guys were hanging out with guys and didn't never approach women. So people were like, well, y'all said y'all don't want us to hit on y'all no more. Y'all don't want us to approach you. I'm like, well, does it only have to be in the context of you hitting on me and getting a number? Like, have you ever imagined the same way that you will walk up and talk to a man for conversation? Have you ever thought about just, hey, did you watch the game last night? And if it's not sports, just talking to a woman as a human being, just for interest of conversation. And what I told my son was two things. If you can't talk to a girl the same casual, comfortable, fun way that you could talk to your guys, granted, you may not make poo-boo-pee-bee jokes. But I I read my check my son's text messages. There's one girl who, when I read their messages, it's so cute. They talk about their games that they had over the weekend because they both play soccer. Um, she was asking questions about how points in a tournament works. It was like probably a better conversation with some of his guy friends, but it was just like a genuine. I'm like, I hope he understands that that is the foundation right there. That that is the key. And then my second comment to him was after I told him I said, you know, you need to be able to like and be friends with the girl to understand that you have to respect him at a fundamental level. And the second thing was if you feel like being romantic with them is embarrassing, or being gentlemanly or chivalrous is like in return for something, or you're expecting something, or if I do this, what does she do? If you in any way ever feel that way, you're not ready to date yet.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04If you don't feel like this girl is nice, this girl is kind, this girl's a good person, regardless if she's sexy or cute or hot. If you don't feel like you want to naturally be gentlemanly and caring for this person, the same way you want to be cool and fun and kind and a homeboy and available to your guy friends, don't date. So those are the two biggest things. You have to genuinely like women just like you like your guy friends, find them interesting, want to have intelligent conversations, not in a mansplaining way. Genuinely talk to them the same way you talk to your male friends, and you have to feel like the desire to be romantic. If you don't, then maybe you're not attracted to women. And I men have to understand that. If you don't naturally feel like you want to be loving to a woman, then maybe you don't like women. It's called homo romantic. You have those feelings for men. You understand that you have to fuck a woman, you have to put your penis on a woman, but you don't want to do any of the other things with the woman, you are homo romantic. And that's okay, but just be honest.
SPEAKER_03That's a new term. I never heard that one before.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's a real thing.
SPEAKER_03That's wow. But that's so interesting you telling your son as far as like the fundamentals of friendship and of being able to operate in that. And I talked to my old like randomly walking past um the room, and I was like, hey, can I ask you a random question? And I said, I know you've already said that you're not, and I was just, I just want to know like the mindset behind why you don't want to date like your friends do already. Because even his best friend has little your oldest son. Yeah, my oldest son. He has a little girlfriend, he's had girlfriends, you know, kind of thing. And I was like, why? He was like, you know, he was like, he was like, he was like, you know what I told him? Cause like they asked me or whatever. And he was like, he was like, y'all into that now, y'all doing that now. He said, I'll just do that later. He said, it's not, I don't, he was like, I don't want to do all of that now. He was like, I'm just not interested in what it takes now. And I was like, he was honest. I said, that's what I want to know. I honestly, I was like, and I was like, that's honestly very mature of you to realize that yeah, even though all my peers, not all, but like there's a lot, a big percentage of my peers around me dating and want girlfriends and doing all that. You realize that that's just something that you're not giving the energy and the effort to doing it out. He has his classmates, his peers that are girls, and they have conversation and they hang out. I was able for the first time to really see him like interact with girls at his award ceremony, and I was just peeping in there all over there giggling and talking and laughing. I'm like, okay. I'm like, there's no like real awkwardness because I was looking for any like awkwardness or something like that. And I think sometimes we don't give our children that space along with the wisdom to be able to make that decision, you know, because a lot of some people will push it on their kids to be like, Why you don't want to do it? You don't want to talk to them. Why don't you wanna, hey, what's wrong with you? And um, I think that's just like super smart.
SPEAKER_04I think it's I wish he wouldn't, but girl, he's very much like he's very anything else, he'll be like, oh my god, I don't know. I don't know. No. I asked him, I was like, you know, do you think you would? He's like, yes, yes, I do. I didn't even get to finish the freaking sentence before he was like, absolutely, I want a girlfriend. But you know what? It's in her DNA. The male side of our family is um a let's just say you're very for the street.
SPEAKER_03So I was about to say, you better watch your turn. You better watch it.
SPEAKER_04Bury for the street. So I I'm I'm not one of those parents that's delusional that it's not gonna happen, or you would never, but I just I will, and I'm also not one of those boy moms that's like my son is perfect, and every girl's lucky to have him. I feel quite the opposite. You're lucky for a girl to want to talk to your stinky self. So you better act right, please.
SPEAKER_03You better act right, please. There you go.
SPEAKER_04Burn her energy.
SPEAKER_03So keeping the ball on motherhood, what strengths do you think have been revealed in you? Or maybe once you realize that okay, I'm I'm gonna be doing the majority of this on my own. What were some of the strengths that maybe surprised you about yourself that you were like proud to become?
SPEAKER_04I think I'm a lot more. Oh, I always thought I was very mature for my age, but I think in being a mom in co-parenting, I think I I figured out pretty quickly. And not saying in the beginning I I I wasn't, you know, a bitch, but I think I got to a point to where I was willing to be the bigger person in my co-parenting situation for the sake of my son. And I'm proud of the fact that I'd rather my son think his dad is the bee's knees coming from my mouth, even though I don't feel that way, because I feel like how he feels about his dad is how he's gonna feel about himself as a man, and I never let my personal feelings really inform or project onto how he feels about his dad. I'm able to say positive things and encourage things about his dad, regardless of how I personally feel about him. Um resilient. I think those things were highlighted in moments where it could have easily broken and I could have chosen to be another way. I think I've always been very willing to self-evaluate my behavior and my actions and grow and evolve. And this is no shade to you. But I think what I hear married women say a lot of times is not even just married women, women in relationships, and I've said this to my mom and my sister. When I hear them talk about them improving and being better versions of themselves, it's almost always tied to doing it for a man or in a relationship. Like when you were saying about how you know you like to fight or you know, you like to my first thought is if you never got married, would you have never fixed those things? And you were like, Well, I would have done it later. And I think that's true for a lot of women. There would be no inspiration to sometimes better themselves with urgency if they were not in a romantic relationship that required it. Whereas for me, I think I've always tried to self-evaluate and grow whether I was in a relationship or not.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I've always wanted to be a better version of myself as and do it as quickly as I could to serve myself, regardless of a partner. And I think that just became even more present when I became a parent because I think parenting forced you to do that also. But it's so not motivated or attached to, well, I gotta be good because I'm in a marriage, or I gotta be, or I'm forced to be good because I got I just naturally was that way. So I think again, it's one of those positive traits that I had that just uh leveled up to another degree as a mom.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so it would miss that maybe were subliminally taught to you that now being in this position, you've dispelled like what they made me believe about being a mother who was single or just even being a mom, period. Like, that's not true. That doesn't necessarily have to be my life or my perception.
SPEAKER_04I was always, and and I believe this myself, that kids of single moms struggled more. That especially if you were a mom of a son, they struggled more, and that it was always best to have two parents in the house, especially better to have a man in the house. I was always told that. And I always believed that. And even after I had my son and his dad and I broke up, my fear was is he going to suffer or have less or be less or be less of a man because there's no man in here every day? And I I've come to the realization from seeing so many other marriages that that doesn't mean anything. Having a husband in the house does not guarantee that the kids are going to be healthier, happier, better, more evolved, more successful. That's just not the case. And I think that was a big fear of mine because I remember, you know, my dad growing up was considered the ideal version of a dad. And I was like, well, that's why I'm so great. And I I remember when I graduated, when my brother graduated um high school, not so much with my sister, because by the time my sister graduated, we were in a different um social class by then. So there was a lot more, I guess, to parent households, or at least, you know, successful households. But when me and my brother were younger in the early 2000s, everybody around us at that time, we were in the middle class area, everybody's parents were either divorced or their parents were single. So my friends all looked up to my parents and they they envied our life and they envied the way that we were raised because we had the Cosby family, the ideal mom and dad scenario. I mean, I think even you at some point kind of looked at like, oh, look, you know, how great her life is because her mom and dad are in is in the house.
SPEAKER_03They respected their marriage. I was like, oh yeah, this is really beautiful.
SPEAKER_04Right. So when I had my son, I was like, come hella high water. Me and his dad are gonna make it work because that's just the best scenario. But one thing about me, I've always been very brave and I'm very honest with myself. And if something's not working, it's not working, and I'm not gonna force myself to do something. I was 25 when I had my son, and at the young, dumb age of 25, I remember saying to myself, I'm not gonna stay in a relationship that feels like a struggle love just so other people don't call me a single mom. I'm not gonna stay in a relationship that I'm not happy in just so I can say there's a dad in the house. And that's what I have to really fight through is even now, people will make you feel like, well, how is he gonna be a man? Well, who who's doing this?
SPEAKER_03And like I say, uh side note, side note that that little boy is very much a man. Right. Like almost two, almost two.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, where did you get this from? There's nothing but girls around you. But frankly, having healthy people in the home, whether that's mom and dad, just dad, just mom, grandma, uncle, as long as there's healthy people in the house, that's what's most important. I don't think that having a dad in the home is the key to anything, in my opinion.
SPEAKER_03I'm so glad I asked that question. No, seriously. All right. Now I I feel like we've touched on this probably in our last conversation because we talked about being a black woman. It was more specific to, you know, one subject. But what does being a black woman in America feel like in this season of your life? And what makes you hopeful about life right now? Because this is a very serious time for our community. Like, what keeps you hopeful in this season and what's going on in the world?
SPEAKER_04Well, as far as being a black woman, I think this is the first generation where what a black woman looks like gets to be different for everybody.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Um, because I think before it was one very specific narrative. And what I love is now there's so many different flavors of black girl that we get to see. Well, they've they've all always existed, but they all are now taking up space. And you don't have to just be strong, independent. You don't have to just be a Christian wife. There's so many different types of black women that are celebrated and get to take up space. Um, so that's important. For me, what it means to be a black woman right now is I don't have any desire to be the savior for society. I know that that is what we're expected to do. I know that we're supposed to always be the voice of region. I just don't care to carry that mantle for society. Um, I I think being a black woman for me right now means I get to be selfish and define what happiness, joy, and peace look like for me. And it is completely irrelevant with anybody else's version of what that looks like. I look at so many black girls who have just packed up and left and live in another country and are thriving. I look at so many black women who have every type of career possible and are thriving. I look at just women who are just very unapologetic and in every way, shape, and form are living so opposite of what the expectations are for a black woman. And I really love how I remember growing up, I was always referred to as like the white black girl, like the Oreo, like black on the outside and white on the inside. And I love that low-key though that flavor of girl is unapologetically love uh the term Hillary Banksing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04You know what I mean? It's just every black girl didn't grow up struggling. Every black girl didn't grow up in the hood, every black girl didn't grow up not having. And and I remember having to quantify both. Like, no, I'm still down to earth. Yeah, you know, my mom grew up here, my dad grew up here, and I've been in the street. Yeah, that was part of my life. I remember at SCAD. Everybody kind of knew me as like, oh, you're the black girl with money, whatever, whatever. And when I would be in class, yeah, you remember we were talking about being upwardly mobile or something to that degree, or I think we were talking about Barack Obama now that it's coming back to me, and being able to evolve past the circumstance. And so I think I told the story of my parents, how you know both of my parents were the again, children of single parents. My mom was raised by my great-grandmother. My dad was raised by his mother, how they came from living in the inner city of Miami to where they are now. And of course, when you hear it and when I tell it, and it's a whole thing, it's a very inspirational story. And I remember just looking up and all the white people being like, wow. And I remember my teacher being like, I never knew that about you. Your struggle, your story, you should share. And I'm just like, I fucking wait.
SPEAKER_03No, this is my parents, it's my parents' struggle, not mine's, though. Did you not hear what I said?
SPEAKER_04But you know what I mean? Like, honestly, most of you are closer to where my parents started than where my parents are now, low-key. But I just remember how growing up, it almost became a romantic expectation to be started from the bottom. Now you're here at best in a struggle at worst.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And I just love that you see more and more black girls who are like, No, I never struggled, I never was in the trenches. Please don't put that on me. That's just not my life. Yeah. Again, there's there's honor and there is respect in growing up with nothing and growing into something. That's the American experience. And I've never looked down at anybody who came from that, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I just think that there's such a disproportionate amount of black people that you get to see, to where sometimes people almost don't believe it.
SPEAKER_03Always either like you have to validate my blackness through struggle.
SPEAKER_04People almost don't believe it's not talking about how black people want you to validate your blackness through struggle. I would tell you all the time if I say I'm from Miami, people say, Well, you left, what hood you grew up to, what school you went to, da-da-da-da. So then if I say, Okay, well, I'm from the suburbs, oh, so you forgot about where you came from? You don't want to admit that you was living in the like it's never enough for black people sometimes. And then for white people, it's like they cannot believe that you may be a second-generation upper class black person. You know what I mean? So I didn't, but I just love that we live in a world where like I follow so many black girls who I mean, they've flown private their entire lives. I follow so many black girls who their grandparents had homes in Markers Vineyard. It shouldn't be such a radical thing because we've only ever seen white girls grow up like that. So I love that that's where black being a black woman can be now, I can be whatever you want it to be. But let's say that back because I mean there is trailer parks.
SPEAKER_03So they have but anyways, but we get to gloss over that though. But what was the second part of the question? And what makes you hopeful?
SPEAKER_04I gotta be I gotta be honest. For me to be hopeful about the future, some days it takes immaculate lies. Sometimes I really have to quiet or restructure my algorithm because there are some. Days where I'm just like, this world really hates black people and black women for real, for real. They really don't fucking want us here. They don't want us to thrive. They don't want to see us win. They really hate us. And then you have to sometimes clear your mind and realize that these people, some of them are bots in the comments. Some of them, they would never talk like that in person, but the fact that it's in their heads is kind of scary. Um, but yeah, sometimes it you have to force yourself and say, I'm not going to allow what the media always shows me and what things are always in my face. I'm gonna have to force myself to find the positive and believe the positive and find faith out of a freaking mustard seed because sometimes shit that you do see it is really dark. But that's where I feel like this selfishness comes in at where I have to say, you know what? That's not my life and my experience. It is a privilege to disengage with some of the political shit that's going on.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04It is a privilege when they're taking away TPS from Haitians. It is a privilege to choose to disengage when some people literally can't because their lives are dependent on it. Not to act like these things could never possibly ever touch me. I'm not saying that. But sometimes as a black woman, we try to carry up the mantle for every minority, for every marginalized person, and they never return the favor. They never recognize it's what you're doing. And for me, I'm at a point to where selfishly I have to use my privilege to be like, you know what? I can't carry everybody's battle and struggle. And I have to allow myself to enjoy the peace and the life that my ancestors gave to me while you guys figure it out now. Because we've done our part. We've we've tried to teach, educate, support, march. I've done it all in my short 37 years. And at this point, somebody else has got to pick up the ball because clearly you don't want me to even be in the game with you. And while I'm in the front lines dying for you, you're still voting against your own right. You're still voting against your own shit. You're still supporting people who say hateful things about all of us because you don't like one of the communities that they're mentioning. So it's like, you know what? I'm gonna now be selfish and be a little privileged and just enjoy my peace and my life while I have it. Because, like you said, who knows how long it's gonna be here. Sometimes, as a black person, sometimes as a person who's in a giving space, it'll never be enough. There's somebody that's gonna complain that somebody's gonna take something from you. There's somebody who's gonna want more. And at some point, if you've really been in that place where you've always been a giver or a doer, you get tired. And it's okay with protecting your peace and being like, I'm tired, I don't want to do it no more. And it doesn't make you no longer charitable. It doesn't erase what you've done before. It doesn't make you now this bad. It just means that you just you're not hurting anybody. You're just not moving through life where you're prioritizing other people's needs before your own. And that's just kind of where where my hope comes from is my hope comes from in the life that I'm gonna create for myself and for my son. Um I have every intention of being kind and helpful and respecting people along the way because that's just my character. But as far as being burdened with responsibilities that I feel like I don't want to be burdened with, I'm not gonna force myself to be Harriet Tutler for nobody. I'm sorry. Nope. Sejrona truth, Rosa Parks, nope, not doing it.
SPEAKER_03Sorry. So, what are some things that you do to protect that peace and protect that joy and still be the best friend ever in the whole world?
SPEAKER_04Well, one thing I do, and my mom makes me laugh because she's like, You're too young. You can't do that already. I'm like, watch me. I don't do anything that I don't want to do. And I would hope married women do the same thing. Sometimes I wonder. I'll give a very petty example. I knew somebody who was getting married. I would I don't even want to call this person a family friend. They might as well be blood to us. They were getting married. Not a fan of the person they're marrying, not a fan of choices and movements they've made. And it just sounded like it wouldn't be a good time. In any other timeline, because I love that person and I love their family, I would bite the bulletin to just go. Just go, right? It's a marriage, it's a wedding, it's a once-in-a-lifetime family thing, allegedly. I think in any other circumstance, it's like a failure you didn't know, funerals, it's a family thing, you're gonna go. I don't want to go. And I know I don't want to go. I know that I'm not gonna enjoy it. I know that and it's and it's harsh to say this, but I don't care about this. You should look out and see people who are rooting for this, and I know I am not one of them. I don't want to go. And I didn't go. And not only did I not go, I booked myself a solo vacation to New York when I went to go see all those Broadway plays. Yeah. I had the fucking time of my life. The best time. I got to get up when I wanted to get up, run around all day at shows, eat, not eat. It was the best time. The wedding, a fucking disaster. A fucking disaster. I think I am or was a people pleaser. If I ever forget, I will remind myself I will never spend a millisecond of my life ever again doing something that I don't want to do. And I think that's where the marriage part comes in for me. Life is so short and things are so bleak. If I've met somebody who in every way made me feel like we're aligned, we're not gonna have to compromise. I think it's very romantic to say that you're only giving up things that don't serve you. I think it's really romantic to say I've only given up the worst parts of me to be good for you. I just don't believe that's real. I believe if every married woman did a real inventory, even if they're not giving up parts of them, they're accepting things from a partner that they'd rather not. And I just don't think I'm in a place in my life to do that. Here's here's my biggest takeaway from and I don't know if we're we're near the end yet, but should I save it for the end? Okay, I'll save it for the end. I'll say it for the end. I can say it now. It's up to you. Say it now. I think I hope if a woman who is single is listening to this, and again, I'm gonna, I know I don't have to, but I'm gonna qualify this with saying, please don't be offended. If you take one thing away from this conversation as a single woman, like Heila said, people in the beginning will be like, Well, like, there's nothing wrong with you. You can find a person or you're you're worthy reframe your mind around thinking that there's something wrong with you or that no one loves you enough or you're not lovable enough. Reframe being single or not being married around you are just not willing to put up with something that another woman will be able to put up with. Men are not hard to get. And a husband ain't hard to find. But they're just simply things that that lady who ended up marrying him was willing to forgive or didn't see as a problem that absolutely would not have aligned with your life or would have made you happy. That's all. If you're willing to put up with some things, you could be married tomorrow.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Period in the story. But if you are, if you are not willing to, especially like you said for your daughter, if you built, build a good life, a comfortable life, a safe life, you will find that it is almost gonna be harder to find a person because you find so much peace and stability in the good life that you built, you're not gonna be so quick to bring someone else to it who is not like who jeopardizes that 100%. So I hope when you listen to this as a single woman, you know that you're not single because there's something wrong with you. You're you're only probably single because you are not willing to put up with some shit that married women aren't willing to put up with. It's just the truth.
SPEAKER_03All right. So my final question for you is what version of yourself are you currently meeting for the first time and enjoying her company?
SPEAKER_04I feel like these questions are not, these questions I feel like are just universal woman questions, right? Well, they're not exclusive to a single person, which is not a bad thing.
SPEAKER_03Well, these last ones, I don't know if I wanted to make them exclusive to a single person because I feel like you are someone who is self-aware, always doing the inner work and you know, doing it on your own without the encouragement of a relationship, being a mother.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_03But I'm assuming that's how you're gonna answer the question.
SPEAKER_04I feel like the questions were very independent, woman leaning and mom-leaning. You didn't ask me, like, how do I get off? I'm just kidding. No, but yeah, they're a very independent woman leading and mom leading.
SPEAKER_03Okay, well, let's take a sidebar because maybe that's a conversation we need to have because we don't need to have psych conversations. That does that bother you, or does it feel like that cuts off the conversation from going somewhere else or getting a little deeper into who you are in these two categories? If by asking those questions, by them being like independent lace, like what Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I feel like it's a little red is it reductive or redactive? I feel like it's when you are a single person, it's almost like how do you manage to be able to have fun sitting in a room by yourself? Is it okay going out to eat alone? A lot of the questions are around how admirable that you're a strong independent woman. And I think that's why for single women it feels like, well, are married women not? Because the conversation that we had prior, I was trying to get to who you are outside of your identity as a wife versus just you and your husband. Where I feel like it happened almost in the flip when you asked me. The large parts of your identity are me being a mom, and then it's how is it being a hopeful independent woman? Okay. But I feel like the hopeful and the hopeful independent questions, do those not apply to married women then? Do you feel?
SPEAKER_03I don't think so. I just wasn't asked those questions.
SPEAKER_04When I was putting my questions together, I was trying to be intentional. These are things that are only gonna be able to be answered by a woman who is married. So I as a single person, because I feel like I did learn, you know what I mean? Okay. So I I mean it's too late to change your questions. I'm just not gonna change my question.
SPEAKER_03But I think my questions were not How do you find hope in a dark lonely world?
SPEAKER_04You get what I'm you get what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03I get no, I get what you're saying. That's why I'm saying let's have a conversation about it because I get what you're saying, but this conversation needs to be had because that is not my intention. My intention, honestly, because the only the first like I didn't want to talk about or I didn't know if if I wanted to ask you questions that were like, how do you have fun by yourself? Do you get lonely at night?
SPEAKER_04I don't think those are bad questions, but yeah, I I yeah, I get those are less, those seem less thoughtful, but I think I would maybe this is what you want to know, but yeah, I would I I would be okay with you asking those kind of questions if that's what you wondered as a married person about a single person now. Like specifically a single person now. That's what you wondered, because those are what I wondered, me being a single person talking to a married person. If that's what you genuinely wondered the most about what the other side looks like, I'd be I wouldn't mind answering them.
SPEAKER_03So answer right now. Because I can ask the I can answer the other question. Well, uh when you have a question, no outside of where you were. Okay, you're not nope, and if you are, it's none of your business. I'm gonna ask the question anyway. So just okay, as a single woman, uh-huh, when you are having moments, so when you do have moments where you know you're okay, you're comfortable with being single, you don't really find the need to find a man to capture a man because that's what they mean. Now they're making it seem like you're supposed to capture them, you're supposed to lay weight, please thank me. Lay weight in the night and snatch them off the street. Um is there things such a thing as husband trafficking? Because that's what they're making it seem like. Um when you do find yourself, you know, at night in those moments where you would like companionship, what what are the thoughts that you're having? And how do you comfort yourself in that moment?
SPEAKER_04Um, okay, I'll be honest. The the only times that I feel, not only times, the times that I feel it the strongest is when I want to get laid. And this was in the debate that I had, which I honestly sometimes wish I could record those conversations because they get fire re like, oh my god, it got heat it in a good way, eat it in a good way. But when I was explaining how I don't really have the need for it, she was like, that's not true. Everybody needs somebody and you need and I was like, Well, you don't think that that applies like the girl's actually like an intimacy therapist or love or relationship therapist? And when I am when I said I didn't really need man, she immediately included or heard, I don't need relationships, period. And I was like, how did you equate the two? But maybe my wording, but she immediately assumed that I meant all people. And I was telling her, I said, Well, I don't mean alone with nobody around me. I said, I have a village, I have a good network of people. And I said, those relationships are very, very fulfilling to me. And I don't think I've really ever had a relationship with a guy that was as fulfilling with the conversations I have with you, with my sister, like just me personally.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So that she couldn't understand. But then we talked about the sex part. On one hand, we were not taught to date as young black women. So in my mind, it was like, yeah, you should not be having sex with somebody who's at not at least your committed boyfriend. So for me, even when I was looking for relationships, I was not sleeping with people that really, I mean, of course, everybody has their moments, but overall across my life, I wasn't sleeping with anybody who was not my committed boyfriend like that. So I was used to going a minute without because if I was with someone for a long time, I would take a long time to get over that person, and then I wouldn't do it again until I was with somebody else I was committed to. Um, I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I would be more comfortable. It sounds crazy, a little more promiscuous. Because for me now, I don't know if I would enjoy it. I think I'd be so in my head about is he taking advantage of me? Is he just using me? Is he gonna not call me tomorrow? Does he think I'm asleep? I don't I think I wouldn't care about it as much if my dating approach was different growing up. Because the only time I ever think about the most is when I want to be intimate. I'm like, yeah, just go find somebody on Tinder, but then I feel dirty after where it's wrong. But why? It's if if it's a need that needs to be met, meet the need. You're both consenting. It's not crazy or it's normal. You can do it with somebody that you're in a relationship with, and then it ends. So what's the difference? So I don't know. I think that's the only time that I get in my head about it, really.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Deal with those when you're in your head in that moment. Like, how do you deal with that? Like comforting yourself and just letting yourself know, like, hey, like, okay, if I choose to, if I don't choose to, like, I'm I'm okay.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, I I choose not to because I just I'm not there yet. I'm a like to, but I'm just choose not to. But I don't know if it's necessarily a comfort for myself. I just I just I don't feel I know that I'm not in that place in my life. I've maybe I will be and I would like to be. I just know I'm not gonna do it. So it's just I have to like move on and think about something else or reorganize or shift my energy because as much as I want to be like, you know what? I I'm I'm dating this guy, we're hanging out, I'm dating this guy, we're hanging out, you know what I mean? Having multiple guys, I that's just not who I ever was. I would like to be that girl, but also I just don't find man that interesting to talk to more than one like that. It's barely one that I like to talk to that much. I don't know. I just I have to, it's just something I don't let myself ruminate and live on because I don't have the answer for it. I don't know how to solve it or fix it. It's not gonna change sitting here and dwelling on it. So just move on. I mean, I had my Tinder error and I did not enjoy it. I'm not going back to that.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I have a question. This is this is off cuff. What is what's your flirting style?
SPEAKER_04That's another thing. I'm not the good flirter at all. I'm so bad at closing the deal. I am not good at if you were to have me meet a guy, the conversation will be over in 10 minutes. He's gonna be freaked out or turned off or I'm gonna be weird.
SPEAKER_03I'm just not good at Wait, when did this happen? Because I'm thinking about never in college days. Like the come like you were you let me say watching you talk to being able to talk to men, and of course, like approach, because we weren't approaching, people are crazy. But after they approach, after they approach, like it just the banter, the conversation. I have bantering, yeah. You have you have banter. Where did it go?
SPEAKER_04I never had I ne I've never in my life felt like I was ever, ever, ever good at it. Never came naturally to me. I think what you're thinking of is me, A, being silly, and B, I feel I get on a hit on maybe twice a year. Maybe twice a year. I feel like because in my mind that's not what's happening at all, I just am gonna say whatever the fuck I want to say and be however I'm gonna be, because this person is not hitting on me anyway. So I don't care if I talk about bullshit, if I make a dirty, dumb joke, there's no intentionality behind. Like I look at someone, I'm like, damn, she is good. You go, girl. That was sexy. I would feel so embarrassed. I just don't talk like that, I don't interact that way. I think here, I'll say this the way I am as a girlfriend, I'm using my most recent time. I don't like myself as a girlfriend. I don't like my personality. I don't like how I am, I don't like how I act, I don't like how I talk, I don't like how I behave. Girlfriend me sucks. She's so boring, she's so vanilla. Can't stand her. I love oh my god. The thing with me is so much cooler. I hate girlfriend Ashley. She sucks. She sucks. I hate girlfriend Ashley. So I just do I can I like do I see a difference?
SPEAKER_03Are you kidding me? Okay, let's see. Like, let me see no because I'm trying to no, I'm really I'm trying to like from the last time.
SPEAKER_04She talked about him every five seconds.
SPEAKER_03Girlfriend Ashley is even more of an overthinker.
SPEAKER_04Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_03You are, yeah.
SPEAKER_04The very like every micro move, I'm like, what's that mean?
SPEAKER_03What are you trying to do?
SPEAKER_04What are you trying to say? I don't I way over over analyzing every move. I'm trying to prepare for what's about to some people know how to be a good girlfriend. Some people just know. I don't think I know how to be. And that's not a guy issue, that's a me issue. I don't know how to behave normal. Maybe because I'm naturally masculine in my mind. I'm not I I just don't like girlfriend flirting me. But I also don't like most girls when they're their girlfriend self versus their normal self are two different people. And I'm like, the other you is way cooler.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so now we're down the road. I'm not gonna take me much longer because I know I gotta get in. I know I gotta, I know I gotta go back to the family.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But okay, so this is um like more personal, like family. Do you like recall like when you're you know, you've been in a relationship and you know, seeing your mom and your dad, do you did you like see your mom being like affectionate with your dad? Like, did you see them being like lovey dovey and all up in each other's face? And did you s do you remember those moments? Like your mom like doing something special to like get ready for dad and stuff like that.
SPEAKER_04Do you remember those moments? Oh, 100%. My mom I would say ad nauseum catered to my dad. If you know my dad, you know that like we are all his concubines. I only remember my mom's, I would argue her entire life was around accommodating and catering to my dad. If we ate off of paper plates, he ate off of real plates. She was that moment where like he got the biggest piece of chicken and he ate first.
SPEAKER_03Like, but even but like beyond that, like on a like a touchy feeling.
SPEAKER_04My dad is very, very physical touchy. Very to the point to where I'm like, get off me. My mom is not a hugger the way my dad is a hugger. And I thought it was so cute that the rules were reversed in that way, because I think typically it would be the other way around. So I thought it was sweet that my mom, and I don't think see it that way anymore. But it made it seem as if it was more of a healthy balance where it wasn't where my mom maybe did all the acts of service, but she didn't have to pull in my mind all of the emotional weight because in return he was the breadwinner and he was so affectionate. So it was like, how lucky of a balance where, you know, here's this woman who is doing all the homework, the kid raising, the grocery shop, all the home stuff, but she's doing it for a man who is providing a really exceptional life and who fawns all over her. That to me was just the perfect dynamic. And again, my mom's not touchy-philly to this day, she's not her personality. But if she was gonna be touchy and philly with anybody, it would be with my dad. But my dad would always have his hand. I mean, I come to learn that he lets his hand on everybody, but he was very he was always very affectionate and very giving.
SPEAKER_03So in see, so in having that understanding and then have it sort of like lift aside on his head, how do you think that like from knowing like okay, relationship in college, like the way you would you treat a boyfriend in college, having this one understanding, to now having a relationship and a boyfriend after that dynamic and that that marriage change, what differences can you see in the way that you maybe showed affection and even showed up in a relationship?
SPEAKER_04Like pre my parents' divorce.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like so pre-yeah.
SPEAKER_04I think pre-divorce, I thought I was gonna have the same exact relationship my parents had. I thought that it would happen through osmosis. I could plug and play as long as I like the guy, I could make him into a mini version of my dad, and I was gonna be a mini version of my mom. But the problem is I am my dad, so that doesn't really help. Um I'm the dad in this scenario, so that doesn't really work. Um, but I also feel like I yo-yo'd where I want to be like my mom, consummate accommodating homemaker, because my mom still worked. My mom has a master's education, she made six figures, she was a boss in her own right, and she was able to do both. She was able to do all that and still be damn near a housewife. Um, so I always felt like I would figure out how to do both. But I think when my parents got divorced, the first real relationship that I had after that was the guy who, you know, you know who and I think I was saying to myself, one thing that I wanted to do different than what I didn't do with my son's that I'm gonna make sure the way I show up here, I'm going to always make it very clear how I feel about the person. I'm not gonna, for the sake of not embarrassing myself or my pride, not lay it out on the line. Because sometimes I would think with my sons that had I been a little bit more sensitive, a little softer, would things have been different? Short answer, no. But um, in this last relationship, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna let myself be vulnerable. I'm gonna let myself be soft here. And I very much was. And we were talking about if it didn't work out and what will we do next. And it's so weird because you're gonna be very surprised by this. I don't know if I ever told you. May have. But I was like, when I lead this relationship, I was not going to not immediately go back into dating. I wasn't gonna take a break like I did last night. I was gonna immediately keep dating and I was going to be even more open to relationships because look good of a girlfriend I can be. Look how loving and how open, how good I can be in this dynamic, and look how good it can get.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04And I'm not gonna allow myself to get hard and angry. I'm gonna go in and do it all over again and do it just as hard. And I don't know what the fuck happened because that was what I always said. Oh, if we don't work out, I'm gonna go be a hoe and fuck everybody. I ain't gonna never date again. I'm gonna just focus on being ironed these streets. And I was like, no, I'm gonna immediately go out and find my husband, and I'm gonna be your wife no matter what. And I don't know what happened. I just immediately was like, No, you're no, I'm not doing that at all.
SPEAKER_01That's so strange. Set it down. Just kidding. Just kidding.
SPEAKER_03That's interesting.
SPEAKER_04I think once I realize that, like one, I just don't think it gives the satisfaction or peace or joy that people imagine it to be. I think it can be happy, but it is not the happiness or the happiest. And when I realize that a lot of people out here are really hurting and hurt people, hurt people. And a lot of people have very weird approaches to relationships. And I think not not just men, women too. We're all so busy being so smart and so busy trying to find out what about your behavior that I can prove that you're gonna hurt me later so I don't I can quickly exit out and cross you off the list. You're in a can't win situation because that's what people do to protect themselves. I think we have in our mind of this is what my person is going to behave like. This is what my person is gonna look like and be like. And the moment that that this person does not line up with it, we immediately like, oh, that's not my person, move on. Because there's so many people that we have access to now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Where it's just kind of like, well, I don't think I'm gonna be this delusional version of what you're looking for or fit all the rules that you come up with, and vice versa. So this is not enjoyable now because now it's just a bunch of job interviews. And if it's not a job interview, you're settling for a job that you don't really want, but you need a job, so you're just gonna do it anyway.
SPEAKER_03Instead of just going out and like having fun and meeting people and getting to know people, because that's what dating is supposed to be. It's supposed to be going out, getting to know people, meeting people, and then if somebody you happen to have a connection with someone, you guys want to spend more time together, then you choose to go spend more time together. Yeah. And then something possibly evolves from that.
SPEAKER_04But if not, you just if you accept a coffee date, you're a basic bitch. If you pick Cheesecake Factory, you're a basic bitch. If you want to go to Ruth Chris, you're asking for too much. If you sleep with first date, you're hoe. If you wait, then it's just so many rules now, more than ever. But again, this is all because we have way more access to people than which we really don't, but we think we do. Um, I don't know. I just feel like it just there's no romance and whimsy now. It's just very spreadsheet feeling. And if we're gonna be pragmatic about it, then the the pragmatic thing is to not fucking do it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04But to me, it's relationships are like faith with God. It all doesn't make sense on paper, but I choose to believe in God and have faith because I want to believe in something good and it makes me feel good. On paper, having a husband probably on paper, if you really do the pros and cons, the pros might win. But you choose to, you know what I mean, participate in this because of the love and the feeling, the emotion. But when you take that out of the experience, well then if I'm grading you just solely based on this list, then no one measures up, so then we're not doing it. And if you're grading me on this list, then it just it's not fun, it's not fun or cute or enjoyable anymore. It's nothing about it that's yeah.
SPEAKER_03I think that's one thing that I feel that people sort of forget when they're marrying someone because especially if you've gone through the whole engagement and I everything's just been big and grand and beautiful, and it's been centered around you as the woman. You're my personal to you and my person, and and everything for the most part. Y'all probably had your first little two or three arguments, but you guys got through it and stuff like that. I think we really forget that we are women like women and men, like you forget that you're committing yourself to an imperfect human being. Like you have you've had all these great scenarios and situations happening, but you're marrying an imperfect human where you guys are going to be put in situations and challenges and like death, job loss.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And you you have forever attached your life and you have transfixed your destiny and your future to this person. And I I totally get why, especially now more than ever, people want to really make sure they weigh out all the pros and cons before they do it. I totally get it because that's what I'm doing. But on the other hand, if we do it based on a resume, most of us are a mess and fucked up. And I think that was a big thing with my last relationship too. I was so focused on what was good about that person in return. They didn't give me that same grace. And I was like, well, then shit, if we're gonna start great giving people grades, yeah, I can give people a grade. But then once I start doing that, once I start giving out your grades, now I realize I don't like you that much and I'll leave. And that's what it came down to. I see flaws in you, but I'm being forgiving because I realize that you're not a you're not a perfect human. I'm not perfect. But if it's something that really makes you question my loyalty or my love, tell me. And I care about you enough to where I cannot do that thing. But I don't inherently know that that's a problem for you. He was like, Why do I have to teach you how to be a woman?
SPEAKER_03Actually, he you did you say this to me? Did you say woman? Did we have that conversation?
SPEAKER_04I don't think I used the word woman. Because then he followed up with he followed it up with why do I have to teach you how to treat me, how to treat a man? Yeah, that's what I heard. That's what I heard. He said that too. Why do I have to teach you how to behave? What bothers you may not bother other guys.
SPEAKER_03That that is another, that is another conversation also, because I've had this conversation with another married woman, and it was like a why do I have to show you, do I have to teach you? And it's like I understood what she was saying from a certain aspect because yes, there's just certain human things that it's just like if you're an adult, like you should know slapping me across the face is as a no-go. Yeah, again, there's a you know, there are just certain things we're building a household together, there's like certain things, yes, that I should be able to expect from you without me necessarily having necessarily having to instruct you. But when it comes to you personally and what you receive, what you don't want to receive, how things make you feel, how like you really do have to tell people that hey, what you did, I don't like. What you're saying, how you're saying that, I don't like. This you have to be specific because, like the old thing, we're not mind readers, but how we're not mind readers too.
SPEAKER_04Because it's based no it's based off of a person's personal triggers. So what will trigger you won't trigger me, and vice versa. And he is not the reason why I'm not dating now. I don't want to say that at all. I'm not gonna put that on him and give him that much power. But what I realized in that relationship, people really want a builder-bearer person. You have to behave and move. And like we we sometimes mix it up with morals and values. My morals and values probably do align with yours, but my morals and values aren't based on simply how I respond to this situation. I just see it differently. I see it differently, but I respect you enough to where I can move differently if it makes you uncomfortable. And I think of most relationships, I've probably made myself smaller because I'm a very big personality in a lot of ways. And again, that's a me problem, not a relationship problem. But I think that there's some value in knowing when, like I said, some people are really good in relationships. Some people can show up as their full self, their authentic self, and they find someone that loves it and that's great. That's never been my experience. It's just it's harder for me at this age to keep doing it when either I need to get therapy and figure out how to show up as my authentic self, or I need to use this season of waiting until I meet someone who can take all of me and then not be a pushback or a problem where I feel like I gotta make myself smaller. So maybe it's not the world or the environment. Maybe it's a me thing, but people have to be okay with me being like, that's a me thing that I need to work on before I try again.
SPEAKER_03And people, and you have to be in a relationship, you also have to be people have to be receiving and being like, oh, hey, the way I reacted from that was because I was triggered. The trigger was not you are not the trigger. It was just what was done. And while that's something I have to work on and it's a responsibility of minds, I think that in all fairness, I need to express that to you so that you understand my reaction. You understand why I don't like this and why I feel the way I feel about it. And then I think from the person's response to you, that's when you can decide whether you think they're a good person or a bad person for you in particular. Right. But I don't, I think like in that situation, okay, he felt the way he felt. Okay, that's fine. That wasn't your intention. You weren't doing anything wrong. I feel like as a I think I feel like just as a regular person, you weren't doing anything wrong. However, he did not like it. So that needed to be explained and talked about, but instead it was just like, oh, I I'm assuming like, oh, this is who you are. That's how you that's how you move. That's and when you go to speak about and explain and express your side of it, the fact that that is not like received or even appreciated, that it's just like, oh no, that's not okay. You're not a good person. Like, I like at that point to me, you know, in my mind, I was like, well then just break up with her now because this these are.
SPEAKER_04What I realized too, what a lot of people are doing now in relationships. The statement that he made was, I want to see on my own who you are and how you move, and then I'll move accordingly. That just seems like a recipe for disaster, but we're all kind of doing it in our own way, I guess. Those of us who are out here still dating, and you want to see who someone really is at their best and their worst, not who you're trying to tell them to be so they can show up for you in a way that's not authentic. Um, but I think the problem is two things. We as women, because we're always trying to improve, it's almost like we're like two therapized, we're too aware and too mentally healthy. And I think guys either are completely not, or they're using therapy as a weapon and they're like using this fake version of being evolved. It was nice, I guess, when we were all a little bit more naive about it and a little bit more innocent about it. Time has just passed where we're just not there anymore, where people just can't. And I think with the economy being the way it is, bitch can't afford. Literally, you cannot afford to marry someone that is not gonna work out or be in a long-term bad relationship. Again, I'm not saying that I don't want the most perfect, richest, gorgeous, amazing, big dick, loving human being. If I never find that person, I'm gonna be happy. I'm not saying I'm against it, but as I get older and time goes on, as life goes on and you see the way the world's moving, mentally and emotionally, I can't get transfixed on just the way the math of probability works out. There's a good chance it may not happen. And I'm okay with that. I think that's the difference. I think people feel like it's an absolute, and if it's not an absolute, it's because you didn't try hard enough to make it happen. Or I'm like, if it doesn't happen, that's okay too.
SPEAKER_03You know, I don't understand because even when I would like say what I would say to you, it wasn't that I didn't want you to be like okay and content on where you are. So I have a hard time understanding why when people say like, I'm okay that I'm single, and if I don't get married again, I'm okay with that. And especially when you understand, because it I think in the beginning, the way that you worded it, it made it seem like, like I said like before, like you like it, like an unworthiness. Like, I'm not worthy to be with somebody, but it wasn't. But I so I sort of responded to that, not understanding what you actually mean.
SPEAKER_04I think, yeah, I think people hear it that way because that's their own internalized thing. I think a lot of married women, they put their worth in being married women, they put their worth in being a wife. So it's not that I said it any different now than I said then. I think that was a projection. It depends on the place that you're at in your life, how you hear it and receive it. Because I say it the same way now, and people still respond in the same way. When I say I'm not wife material, like, oh yeah, you are a girl. You're amazing. No, I am all those things. I'm just not wanting to probably do the things that I feel like a lot of wives are willing to do. Some women are not mother material, some women don't want kids.
SPEAKER_03That's a great comparison. Like women, like women who don't want to have children, people want to pressure to have children. What are you gonna do when they have this children if they still don't want them?
SPEAKER_04You'll never feel willing. What about when you're old? Who's gonna care for you? Surprise, some of your kids is not gonna take care of you when you get older. I would never tell a woman that they need, and I'm a mom and I love being a mom. I would never tell a woman that you're missing out on something because you don't have a kid, because you're not. And I feel the same way about being married, you're not missing out on anything. But I get that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's the conversation we had. Stop making people feel like they're missing out or can't enjoy life to the fullest or in the same way, the compactity in which you are because they chose a different path. That's simple, simple, simple.
SPEAKER_04I think that's really that simple. That's where I'm at in my life. I'm not going to take up another moment of my time fighting to be somebody's wife. I'm not gonna spend another day of my life fighting to be girlfriend material or wife material. I'm not gonna spend another moment of my life overanalyzing or overthinking if I should call him, he should call me. Does he look at me? I just I don't I don't enjoy that chase. I don't enjoy that game. I still go outside, I live my life. I'm I'm focused on being the best version of myself possible. And if somebody comes in that time period, awesome, cool. However, if it doesn't happen, is it that bad, Bancy? Go around. And I know some people who truly, that is the worst case scenario for them. And I feel bad for them. I feel bad for them because when you when you live in that place, you do miss out on a very full, happy life. You do miss out on so many good things going on, and you do end up working from a place of desperation. You end up picking from a place of desperation, and you end up putting up with things that you don't deserve to put up with because whether you accept it or not, it is a form of external validation. There are women who every outing is about meeting a man and talking to a man and seeing what men are there, and are there single men there? That's external validation.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So I hope when people hear, and I I feel like I speak with a lot of single women. When you hear a woman be like, I don't really care if it ever happens, or I'm not dating, it's not that we are anti-love, anti-men, we hate relationships. It's just not in the forefront of my mind, but it's also not in the trash in my mind either.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04It's just I'm living my greatest best life and I'm gonna be happy with it. I'm not gonna feel like I missed out on something because it didn't turn out that way. And I'm not gonna spend my time manifesting a man, I'm not gonna spend my time praying for a man, I'm not gonna spend my time hoping and wishing. I'm gonna spend my time asking for a whole happy, complete life, however that looks. And whether people accept it or not, a whole complete life can mean you are single too. It doesn't mean it's whole and complete and you're in waiting until God downloads this perfect man or a good man or a nice man or it means some people are really happy because they have a yacht. Some people never get a yacht and they're still very happy. That's how I look at it.
SPEAKER_03I mean, I think that's a perfect ending. Bada bing, bada boom, mic drop. I'm trying to say the married woman, mind your damn business. Go take care of your husband. If you got kids, take care of your kids, mind your damn business. Be a good friend, be a good cousin, good sister. Please leave leave the judgment. Leave the judgment. Don't even leave it at home. Dump it in the trash. Let the trash make it.
SPEAKER_04And just bring down the superiority complex a little bit. Again, you are not cooler or better or more impressive because you found a man and kept a man. You just put up with stuff that somebody else wouldn't.
SPEAKER_03And you know, that's such a weird, like I've never dealt with that aspect of a married woman, I guess, because where I come from and the people around me, like, you bet not come over here all hide it in damn mighty. Well, you know what? I there is one I've experienced.
SPEAKER_04Um here's what I'll tell you. You would come across that way when you would be like, Yes, you will. You'll find it. One day you'll be as worthy. That's not what your intentions are, but when you would respond that way, that's how I would read it. Like, keep hope alive. One day somebody will like you the way someone likes me. Like, okay.
SPEAKER_01Not what I meant.
SPEAKER_04No, but I think the takeaway is maybe most married women don't mean to come off that way. And hopefully, the same thing I want want single women take away things, married women take away the fact that that's how you may look to your single friends if that's what you're doing. Don't do it. Because, again, you're not in a better or a safer or a higher position. A lot of times, for a lot of married women, you weren't the girl of his dreams. You were the girl that was there when he was ready to get married.
SPEAKER_03And a lot of you guys think right now women don't let us feel like we're in doomsday because we have um uh we're married. Don't let us don't make us feel like we're in doomsday. Well, I love you guys. Don't make a lot of people.
SPEAKER_04Just know like I tell married women all the time You can get divorced and you're you probably will outlive your husband. Remember how you treated your single friend when you were happily married. Just remember that. Remember the relationship that you cultivated when you were happily married. When you gotta be back outside because you either got divorced or he dropped dead, because you know, women live longer.
SPEAKER_03Okay. And the ones that you give you single, don't make fun of us when we say we gotta go home, okay?
SPEAKER_04Oh, I would never, girl, go, go, go.
SPEAKER_03Don't make fun of us when we say we got home. When I say, Oh, let me call my husband, don't give me the side eye. Don't give me the side eye. Don't give me the side eye. Just okay.
SPEAKER_04Can can you can you it's bringing him up every five seconds, or call him every second, or FaceTime him, or falling asleep while he's in the room. Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_03First of all, that's a that's a I guess I want y'all married women to know that while we may get that you have to communicate, that it's annoying to everybody at the everybody. Everybody at the table is annoyed with you.
SPEAKER_04Those are the ones, the ones who act like they can't be without their husbands for real, for real. Those are the ones where God forbid you get divorced, or God forbid you're a widow. Keep that same energy. Like you can't live without him.
SPEAKER_03Go crawl in the grave. That's a whole nother conversation because that that is just I feel like that's death of self, and that's a whole nother conversation. Oh, yeah. When you have to rely on someone to that extent, that goes that's beyond marriage. Like that's yeah.
SPEAKER_04Um that my man, my man, my male wife is is a scary, scary girl. Scary, scary.
SPEAKER_03But at the end of the day, your man, your man, man is still annoying, irritating, and sometimes full of shit. So I yeah, normalize being able to still be a girl's girl while you're married. It's possible. It's very possible. It's very, very possible. And honestly, it's important. It's it's important. It's it's important to your well-being, your mental health to be a girl's girl.
SPEAKER_04The takeaway if you are in a friendship where there's a married girl and a forever single girl, just be normal. Just be normal. Be the girl that you were to her in the friendship before you met your husband. If you feel like questions, if you feel like you gotta like now be the counselor or if any part of you has to be a different kind of friend than you were before you got proposed to, you may be being weird.
SPEAKER_03Because your friend your friend knows you. So my actual I don't have to tell, like, you know, some people don't want to say there's certain things I don't have to say to Ashley. She knows me. I don't need to tell her about my sex life. I know me.
SPEAKER_04Listen, here's the thing as much as you keep your marriage to yourself, I know when there's something wrong. I just none of my business. If it's that bad, y'all talk to me. And I know you enough to know that you love being married and you love your husband and that you're gonna work on it. And if you don't want to do it anymore, I'll know then too. That's enough for me. The theme of the thing is stop projecting on both sides. Don't project. And if you find yourself being weird that your friend's engaged now, go see the lady, some therapy.
SPEAKER_03It's okay, it's okay. Be a girl first, be a woman first. No, for real. And I use a woman first. That's so funny because that's I told my husband, what was that, when I was like about like like the beginning of the year? I was like, I really need to just focus on being a woman first. I'm always like a mom, a wife, like a daughter. Like, you know, I'm like yeah, I like I need I want to just be a woman first. And I you know, I tell my sons that all the time. That's a conversation I have with my sons all the time. My oldest hates that I use penis and vagina, but it's very um I just want people to, it's very real. The difference is very real. So I just make that clear in my house because there's just three boys.
SPEAKER_04And kids who use anatomically correct things for their body parts are less likely to be victims. It's it's it's a fact.
SPEAKER_03You need to say what it is. It's true, it's true. Yeah. And so I just like just yeah. I mean, tap into your womanhood, be a woman first. I'm telling you, things sometimes things just fall in place. You get the right friends, you're better to be around if you are married. I'm telling you right now, a woman who loves being a woman is a very enjoyable person. She's a very enjoyable person.
SPEAKER_04She's she's real fun. Plus being a woman first.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Please, please. Yeah. Now so now in descriptions, I want to see woman, wife, mom. There you go. Woman, wife, mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god, please, please. Woman, wife, mom.
SPEAKER_04Or like professional dart thrower or like firearms consultant. Leave it with the good stuff.
SPEAKER_03I want to be creative because I can't make up my mind. I who knows. What am I? A graphic designer, a podcaster, a painter, a drawer, who knows? Fast forward till six months from now, and I'm like, and I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care. Can you imagine? And who and somebody better say something stupid so I can lean it off because I'm missing.
SPEAKER_04I want you to be like, uh-uh, no, no, no, calm down, stop. Remember. I'm gonna meet him. I'm gonna come, I need to meet him very well. Oh no, no, let me tell you something right now. And I'm just I'm I'm we can end right here because I know you're gonna say something back. I just want to let you know now if I start dating someone or even sleeping with someone, none of you will know. I will not tell a single soul. I'm I'm telling you now, I'm not, I promise you never again in this lifetime. I could be dating someone right now, as far as you know, because I I will hide it until I can't hide it no more. The next person I date, nobody will know.
SPEAKER_03Wow, the best friend of me tells me to feel some type of way. I will not, and that's fine. I will not.
SPEAKER_00It will be a secret.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Alrighty then. I I won't feel no type of way. I don't feel no type of way. I'm gonna leave off this group chat. I don't feel no type of chat.
SPEAKER_04That'll be the first time I lie to you, group chat. Sorry.
SPEAKER_03All right. Group chat is growling, you guys. She's having a great conversation. I love you. I love you too very much. This is great. This is great. I love you. This was a lovely guy.
SPEAKER_04One thing about your girl, when I'm out and about, I love to give a head to toe, I might run into my ex main character energy. But low-key, I'm gonna suck in an aloe set. And I can be rough as hell on my hands. And between car line and drop-offs, soccer practice, I do not always have two hours to sit in the nail salon. But I still want to look cute for running to a happy hour, going on a last-minute date. Okay, just kidding, nobody date me. But whatever, that's not the point. Listen, that's why I'm obsessed with press-on nail sets from Press by Adrielle. These aren't your drugstore press-ons. Every set is handcrafted and hand-painted by a female as well. And the designs are honestly gorgeous. If you want something specific, they do design custom sets. What I love is the flexibility. I can do long, sexy stilettos when I'm feeling a little extra, or short and cute when I want to be a little bit more demure. And when I'm done, I can literally pop them off, store them, and use them later without destroying my actual real nails. And the best part, the sets are only $15, which means I can have a set for every mood and still spend way less than I would at the salon. So if you're like me, short on time but never short on plan, go check them out and use promo code TOOSING to receive a free sizing kit with your order. That's pressed by Adriel E-R-E-S-S-E-D by A-D-R-I-E-L now on Etsy.com. And if you favorite an item in the Pressed by Adriel Etsy shop, you will receive 15% off of that item. How cool is that?
SPEAKER_03Hey group chat, it's Akila, and actually from Two Things Can Be True.
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