Two Things Can Be True
Two Things Can Be True is an unfiltered, laugh-out-loud conversation between two lifelong friends, Aqueelah and Ashley. They’re getting real about motherhood, careers, creativity, and all the messy, magical, in-between moments of adulthood. Honest, hilarious, and a little nostalgic, they prove you can laugh and learn, be soft and strong, and hold two truths at once.
Two Things Can Be True
Episode 25: Free, Protected, or Both?
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Episode 25: Free, Protected, or Both?
A young man goes missing off the Mississippi Gulf Coast over July 4th weekend. The official ruling doesn’t add up to his family and they’re not the only ones asking questions. This week we sit with the case of Nolan Wells.
But this episode isn’t just about Nolan. It’s about every mother of a Black boy who has ever had to think twice about which friend group, which car, which house, which unsupervised night is safe and which one isn’t. Two things can be true: we want our sons free, and we want them protected. We want them trusted, and we want them prepared. This is the episode where we talk about how you hold both.
This case also forced us to sit with our own choices; the environments we’ve put our children in, and why. Were they the right ones? What were we really weighing when we made those calls? Nolan’s story has us questioning whether it’s time to alter the spaces we let our kids move through. Free or protected — should we have to choose?
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All right, let's start. I'm sorry. I literally said we were gonna go right into it. I was not gonna drag it. I can't help it.
SPEAKER_02I'm a yapper. It happens.
SPEAKER_03Hey girl, hey. Hola, hola. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you feeling?
SPEAKER_02I'm doing pretty good. These kids can't break me. Are they trying to? Um, I feel like I'm in this tug of warrior stage with my oldest because he is trying to really play me in my face and wants to know how far he can go. I'm running business right now. Haha, you shouldn't have did it.
SPEAKER_03Um so I told them, like, we're not doing it. I forget what running business means. Okay, now I remember. I'm like, what? Okay, yeah. Sorry, I'm back.
SPEAKER_02I told everybody that we weren't doing Roblox. Even the baby knows that we're not doing Roblox. I don't care if you can go in a private server and nobody's coming here. At the end of the day, we're not supporting the company because they do not care about supporting children and their well-being. They want them to play the game, but they don't want to create safeguards and monitoring systems that will do that for these kids. So, no, thank you. But you know, these teens and these kids are so hard up on playing their games. They want they need to play their games, and so he has his own computer now. And he would he I let him play on his computer, so I think usually he plays like this Dragon Ball Z game or whatever. And I'm happening to be cleaning the area, and usually I have one of the other kids clean that area and let them vacuum because you know I don't know what it is about little kids and vacuuming that it's just like a privileged chore.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I get to use the tools, exactly. And so I'm vacuuming and I look over and I'm like, well, what is that? Because it jet it definitely, I know where Dragon Ball Z looks like. It's so obnoxious because all it is is a bunch of lightning and things and all garbage. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Lots of orange and royal blue.
SPEAKER_02Yes. So I'm like, what is that? What are you playing? And I look over in the corner and I'm like, really? You're on Roblox? Like, for real? That's what we're doing. So I just went silent. I gathered the vacuum. I went in and I said, We're gonna shut the computer down now. Like, cause you're really trying to like I'm over here too. You didn't even think to like, oh, I'm gonna exit out the game. She's getting close. He's really like, How close can I get? How how long can I keep playing before I get caught? Like, that's a problem. You might have a problem. Shut down that computer.
SPEAKER_03I think that's so funny because I'm going through something very similar with my single child. Um, and it's the same thing where there's certain sites or things that I took away FaceTime because they'll FaceTime with a group of 30. He's still upset about that. It's ridiculous. I took away WhatsApp because you know on WhatsApp you can talk to friends, but it'll be a random Indian dude named Debbie.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Yes.
SPEAKER_03That'll that'll message him and be like, oh hey, hey, buddy. And you're like, hey, who's this? No, child, don't don't respond to anybody. So WhatsApp is gone. Um, I'm not a fan of YouTube. YouTube is the hardest freaking app to block in the world. And just like Roblox, to me, that should be illegal. If they can find it, come hella high water. This this boy found on the TV. Um, and I feel the same way. We don't, we, we blocked Roblox early enough where he didn't keep interest in it, so it was easier for him to, you know, not get obsessed with. But they're very good with the sneaking and the hiding and the pulling up. I wonder, would you be open to saying to him, because I know a lot of the Roblox is they're all in there hanging out and meeting together with their friends? Would you be open to saying you can do Roblox for an hour a day, but it has to be in the living room in front of your whole family? Because I think that way with no headphones, so that way he can play and connect with his friends. Like my son has the PlayStation and I can hear the voice coming through the thing. Yeah. I know who he's talking to. I close the server and all that, but you know, there's always ways. Would you be willing to say maybe an hour or two on Friday nights or Saturday nights? But it has to be in a living room where mom and dad can hear and it's not in your headphones, it's on speaker, so we'll hear if it's a voice that's not a friend or something like that. Would you be open to that? Possibly when he gets a bet. Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, yeah. So what I did, and I'll send it to you because I checked the phone, and there's nothing because I went through the same mindset of like there's something wrong with you, but I just think it is normal with kids learning boundaries and learning communication, yeah, and what's appropriate and what's not appropriate, and what's safe and what's not safe. I just think that the added layer of technology is just something that we've never seen before.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So I made a little contract of what the expectations are around using electronics, um, how we communicate, who we talk to, how we talk to them, we can't send pictures, we can't send videos, we can't ask for pictures. I just a very clear, succinct list. And I made him sign it and I let him know if you don't follow these rules, a phone is not a right, it's a privilege, it'll be taken away. And then if you're if something happens and you say, Okay, you know what? I did this, but this was wrong. I'd rather you be honest with me and say, if I find out, don't keep the lie going or try to explain or make excuses. If you're honest with me, there's still gonna be a consequence, but it won't be as intense if I catch you sneaking and lying and then you double down.
SPEAKER_02Because that's where my we've had those enough with him, and he's been like, Yeah, he's coming, he'd be like, Hey mom, I know you might see it.
SPEAKER_03Right, right. Let me find let I'd rather find out from you than me catching you, and then you try to play me like I'm crazy. But yeah, I wonder if that can be something, you know, that could work. Because I my instinct is always to take away, but I feel like it's not helping them learn how to navigate this world that they're going to go out into because eventually they have to go on their own. I want you to understand that it's not just me being stripped for no reason, I'm doing it for your safety, and you need to know how to keep yourself safe online here as well. So I'll send it to you.
SPEAKER_02So, yeah, no, he's definitely once he gets it back, he is gonna have to be more out in the open and not off in his corner. So having to do it that way is gonna teach him if I want my own privacy, I still have to practice integrity. They gotta be able to trust that not being seen every minute that I'm gonna do the right thing. Um this tool that I am, you know, gifted. Because they really do think it's a right, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like they're legal to have a mind.
SPEAKER_02Seriously, I mean today. I told him the technology that you borrow from us, he was like, wait, so what? It don't really like belong to me.
SPEAKER_05No. I said no.
SPEAKER_03I have the mindset of like this is yours, yeah, as in this is your thing to be responsible for, but you don't have this. It's like a gift. It's it's it's not shoes, it's not clothes, it's not water. Yeah, there is nothing. Anything outside of a necessities who alive can and will be taken away. Everything else is a gift here, friend. Everything else is a gift.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god.
SPEAKER_03And you earn them by being kind, respectful, following directions. Yeah. There's some kids who literally never get these things. So I don't know why you think I have to give you this if you're being rude or bad or not listening. Are you crazy?
SPEAKER_02And you have to show that you can handle this responsibility. This is a serious responsibility. This tool literally opens so many avenues for you. And if I feel like you're not responsible enough, mature enough at your age to handle and to listen to the rules that I'm giving you, then you know, consequences gotta be had changes have to be made.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, and he's so much older and he'll be um after school before you know it.
SPEAKER_03So definitely won't. But I think he's he's a good kid. He's never had any major trouble or nothing crazy. He's a good kid, just the world is very, very different and very scary, which we're gonna talk about. It's just literally today's episode topic. Yeah. Oh goodness. So we all know if you I mean, I know we have listeners from all over the world, but if you're in the US, you know the story of Nolan Wells. He was a young man who um was freshly out of high school going into community college in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. He was a football player on his college team, just a really well-rounded, all-around good kid. He's hanging out with his friends for the July weekend on a boat. And if you don't know, if you're not familiar with Ocean Springs, Mississippi, it's kind of on the Gulf. So that where you see Florida kind of turns into that panhandle and curves into Louisiana and all that. I say that to say because it is a popular boating, fishing, out on the water type of community. Um, so he was hanging, and a lot of kids, a lot of young people have in drive boats in that in that part of the US, in that Gulf area. They're very comfortable. They grow up their whole lives swimming and on boats. So a group of young men and girls, they all hang out for the July weekend. They go to a small little island. It's one of those, it's one of those islands, what do you call it? Um, like a sandbar almost.
SPEAKER_02Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's what it is. Yep.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, where you kind of pull up, it's deep enough to kind of park your boat, but not so deep where you can't just kind of walk and kind of hang out in the water and then walk back and forth on the sand. It's very popular in that part of the world. When I live in Pensac lived in Pensacola, we love the good sandbar. It's just a place that everybody kind of hangs out in the summer. You drink, you listen to music, meet up with other boats. And that literally, when I saw the big deals in the pictures, it made me think of Crab Island in Florida, where everybody comes out on their boat, parks at the sandbar, drinks, and hangs out. At the end of the day, everybody boards their boats to head on home, and his friends boarded their boat and left with everybody came home except for Nolan Wells.
SPEAKER_02Yes, he goes missing on the fourth. They do return his phone to his parents, and then that's the thing.
SPEAKER_03He got on the he didn't get on the boat, but his they said he stayed behind, but they took his home.
SPEAKER_02It's this is not what the episode is completely about, but it's just very odd, and it's just you you know that there is a group of people, it's not like one person or two people. This reads, like there's a group of people who know exactly what's going on.
SPEAKER_00100%.
SPEAKER_02And no one is willing to speak up. They do a full-scale search for him on July 5th, but his body was not found. Then come Monday morning, a National Park Ranger finds his body on Horn Island. On July 7th, there was an autopsy done, and also the family lawyer Ben Crump called for a secondary autopsy and a private investigation. And so at this point, they're collecting evidence to get to the grand jury so you know they can start to um file some charges and hopefully get an indictment and then hopefully get a conviction and then you know.
SPEAKER_03And I think the well, our our episode isn't really necessary, like you said, Keila, not necessarily about the story of Nolan Wells. But again, I know we have listeners who are not in the US, but what's happened here, it's sparked a conversation specifically with black parents. You already have certain conversations that you have with your kid when they go out in the world. Some of those conversations are universal. Everybody who has kids can relate. Like we just talked about with social media and video games and phones, and that's a universal conversation you have with all kids, no matter what they look like, about keeping them safe. There's an added layer for black and brown children when it comes to interacting with the police and interacting with authority.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And now it seems that with this Nolan Wells story, there is an additional layer for specifically black kids of being really mindful of the company that you keep and the people that you surround yourself with. Because in this case with Nolan Wells, why it's such a big deal, because Keila mentioned a few other stories of, you know, black kids who've been out with a white caregiver or white friend and haven't returned home. But what's so unsettling about Nolan Wells' case and what's so scary to parents of kids who look like Nolan is it just seemed as if he went missing. All these kids' quote unquote friends had nothing to say about it, and they were gonna leave it at that and it'd be fine.
SPEAKER_02Where like it never oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It wasn't gonna be a conversation of what hold on, you all are are responsible and old enough, and you need to tell us more, then we don't know what happened, or you or he just stayed that that's not an acceptable answer. But in that town, it seemed as if it this nobody cared, and it was perfectly fine that this kid it oh, he just didn't come home, or we don't know where he went. And and it just felt as if if this had been a young white girl or this had been a white boy with a group of black boys, nobody would have gone home or went to bed until there was some answers. Or at the very least, the police would have showed up to each one of their homes and made them come up with some answers, and it would have been treated immediately like a crime with foul play.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, in the police station, it was very treated very passively, like they would have been in the police station for hours. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And and all those parents, and I and also, so one of the kids who was involved, his mother's a judge. And of course, especially in the South, there's always this um this idea of the good old boys club, or you know, these connected families in these really small towns having a lot of power. So the first thing that comes to mind is his mother was able to move something, say some things, do some things to protect these kids. When it's like if they harmed or killed or responsible for the death of a child, then they all colluded allegedly, or that's what it sounds like. For her to even think or be able to protect their children when, again, if this had been reversed, it would not have happened that way. So our conversation today, again, is really about what the rest of the country for African American mothers and fathers are saying to their kids. It's been a resurgence, and I feel like we've always had this conversation of being the only black person in white spaces and what that feels like and what that means and how your safety can be impacted. I remember when there was that lady who was at that sleepover, she was the only black woman at a sleepover, she's a grown woman, and she dies, and they're they just write it off as, oh, she was drunk and she fell off of a balcony. No one gets in trouble, no one investigation, it's just she's dead. So we've had this conversation before as a community, but I think now more than ever, it's really set off bells and alarms for parents to say, okay, hold on. This is not a one-off thing, this is a serious issue. And what do I need to say to my kids so they don't unfortunately end up the way that this young man did?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And Sam, no group should ever feel entitled to covering up a murder or not getting someone some help and think that nobody's gonna care about them because of the color of their skin.
SPEAKER_03Like that just and but that's kind of what it is, no? Like they're staying, they clearly feel safe enough.
SPEAKER_02It shouldn't be, but that's what it is.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they feel safe enough to wear what they did. It they know that whether whatever happened, they could get away with it. Because even in like we're not gonna re-litigate the case, but just some of the behavior afterwards where the dad shows up looking for the phone and they lie about it being in the house, and then somebody finally comes out with the phone. It just I I know there's one half of the population who is adamant on letting the story unfold and letting it all play out, which I don't disagree, but the problem with that is something then has to unfold. It has to play out.
SPEAKER_02But that's not what you're doing. Yeah, you're just trying to something is unfolding. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you're just trying to quiet it and shut it down. And if his parents hadn't reached out to, and I know people feel their way about um Al Sharpton and whoever else, but had they not reached out to Benjamin Crump and Al Sharpton and the people that they did, who knows how far the story would have gone and and how the conversation would have gone beyond the small town in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. But again, it's not about relitigating the case, it's about adding to that conversation. I think we do a really good job on this show of when there's a current event going on or a trending topic happening, yeah, instead of being another voice going on and adding more chaos or confusion or opinion back and forth. Yeah, back and forth takes. I think we try to use it as like a teachable moment in our lives and then for our listeners. And I think this now more than ever, and like I said, people have been having the conversation, but I think this is gonna be a really productive conversation that our listeners can engage with to maybe think how they will move differently in their parenting. And some of our, because everybody who listens isn't black, maybe some of the parents of white children will then have a conversation with their kids to say, Hey, when you go with your friends, all of your friends, you make sure you come back with your friends. There's some places where you just simply don't leave without your friend. This is not the Applebee's down the street, you're in the ocean.
SPEAKER_02You don't need a safe space for all of your friends.
SPEAKER_03Correct, correct. So let's start with our first piece to this conversation. So we talked about um Nolan's story, but what do your parents, Keila, teach you about safety that you're applying in your parenting with your children? And what are some of the things that your parents taught you about, say you that you feel may not apply in this day and age?
SPEAKER_02I think the first one, and you just touched on it a bit, was the buddy system. And if anybody knows me, like I am hardcore for the buddy system. And I think what's unfortunately ironic in this situation is that Nolan and his parents probably thought he had a great buddy system, you know? And that gave me a cringe and didn't sit well in my stomach. Cause that is something that I'm so my parents, my especially my mother, was like, if you go with someone, you come back with someone. There is at no point where you should go home and be like, Oh, I don't know where she's at. She said she was going here, or she went with so-and-so. And I will always remember a time where my friend and I, it was our senior year of high school, and so we went to like a local college um tour, you could meet administration and things like that. And she met somebody, and she decided she wanted to meet up with that person, but our plans were done. She brought me home, and instead of her taking her butt home, she decided to go see this friend. And I get a call, I think about an hour between an hour and two hours later, I get a call, and her mom is like, Where is she? Keila, where is she? And I'm like, Well, she dropped me off and she said she was gonna like make a stop, but I don't, I'm I don't know exactly where she's at. And this is before cell phones, y'all. So this is kind of like, hey girl, your mother is calling me. Call your mother. So I'm calling our other friends and I'm like, Have you spoken to her? I mean, people are getting worried. Her mom calls me back and cusses me out. I have to tell my mom, like, yo, there's this grown woman on the phone talking real crazy to me right now about her daughter. And the ma'am, she drives. She brought me home. What can I do? I that's what I told that lady, and she started going off on me. Then the police called me. And when the police call me, that's when let me tell you something. Be smart when the police call you. Don't keep, don't keep covering for your friend. If the police call you, you better tell me she went to see this gentleman. He's about six, four. No. Yo, I was like, okay, officer. I was like, look, I wasn't trying to tell him my friend, and her mom's really upset. But she's here, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm like running it down to the officer. That's the time to stop being uh dumb. He's like, Oh, okay, all right. So, but then her mom doesn't get on the phone and be like, Well, why you ain't tell me this and her mom gonna phone this. If anything happens to, I get cuss, I get cussed out all over again. But that's beside the point.
SPEAKER_03Where was your mom?
SPEAKER_02But I was, you know, I've always been that when we were in college to circle back. I mean, we did not go anywhere, we didn't go anywhere and not come back with each other. Like, that just didn't happen. Yeah, it never happened. I don't honestly, as unhealthy, maybe toxic it was in the moment, like there is no way that you are getting drunk and we are getting too drunk to where we lose each other and nobody, even though you did say you lost me a couple times that one St. Patty's Day.
SPEAKER_03But that looks for you, but you look for you and literally as you were running away, I found me every time from like the Disney kids. I love you so much. But no, yeah, literally, because you Keila, y'all. This girl, one year for St. Patrick's Day, when I tell you was like running away from us, like purposely. I'm talking, thinking we're playing a hide and go seat. Y'all can't catch me. I'm fast as fuckboy. Out of there. Why is she hiding from us? We're in a three-story club in the daytime. Oh my god. I'm holding her wrist. Nimble as some bitch. Because I turn around, she's gone. Oh my god. We're gonna go home pretty soon if you can't stay with us with the group. Coming back was shocked every time. That's a different story. Stop giving her stuff.
SPEAKER_02We didn't got here. Oh my god. I was way too wasted. That is crazy. But it just really see, I appreciate that. My mom loves you for that. She really appreciates that you didn't leave her daughter in the street being drunk. And it's priceless to find friends that will be like, no, we came together, we stayed together. We ride together, we died together, like on some real shit. Because I I would have never, if anything serious had ever happened with you, there's no way I would have left you. It's just not happening. I've always been that way, and I think that's important. And maybe there are some friends that he had that were there like that, but it didn't last. You got too scared and you left him.
SPEAKER_03I think one thing I will say, and you know, we're not a fan of hot takes, but one thing that I will say about this whole thing that has rung in the back of my head that no one says out loud, and I say this having that something very similar happened to me recently. Sometimes you wonder when you see a group of white kids and there's only one black kid, sometimes you wonder, do they really care about that kid? Is this kid like a token or like a pet? Or and I and it sounds so mean to say, and I feel like I'm just saying the quiet part out loud. And maybe I'm the only one that thinks this way. But a lot of times I'm like, do those kids really truly see that kid as equal? If that kid were to behave or do something they didn't like, or compare it to the other kids in the group, are they going to truly treat them the same or differently? And that's my thing with our situation. I feel like us both being young black girls, I don't know. There's just a level of humanity that I feel sometimes when you talk to think about it. It's like when you're out with your group of white girls and somebody's drinking too much and somebody gets a little mad at you, you already know not sometimes the first thing they're gonna do is they're gonna say something that you'd be like, wow, this is what you really thought or felt the whole time.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And it sounds so harsh to say, again, no one's saying this, but sometimes I wonder when you're the only black kid with or or black friend, you gotta, you could be an adult. No, you are all white people. If you feel like you can't talk about race around those people, that might be a problem. If you feel like you have to quiet or you can't center your identity as a black person in this friend group, that might be a problem. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_02And it's not a safe space.
SPEAKER_03I say the same thing that I noticed when like Spanish people hang out with all white people. I notice they don't, if they don't ever speak Spanish around their white friends, and when they do, their white friends mock their accent and mock it back to them in a funny way. I'm always like, you don't see what's happening here. It just always rubs me. It just it makes it just makes me go, hmm, you know? And that's what that's what I feel like here, or you said that whole not leaving your friend behind. I think jealous girls do it to each other. I think mean girls do it to each other. And I think sometimes in a in a race space, it's very easy to have the other friend be like, oh whatever.
SPEAKER_02Seriously, it is.
SPEAKER_03And I every day doesn't mean you don't value their life when they're around you. You love them, you have fun, but as soon as things get tense, that dynamic comes into play.
SPEAKER_02That's so scary.
SPEAKER_03It's just uh again, I don't this is not a one size fits all. There's always an exception to every rule, and it could be projection, but that's what my fear always was when it was me, and it happened to me. So you try oh, don't piss me out. So what's what's is there anything that your parents did for your safety that you wouldn't use with your kids or you wouldn't, or that you would do differently?
SPEAKER_02As I was going through trying to figure out, I was like, is there anything really? And it wasn't anything overtly like a conversation I remembered having or something they continued to reiterate. It was quieting yourself. And I used to feel like the comments that were made or the chill out gestures that were made were made to quiet me because I maybe I was embarrassing, or I didn't fit the um maybe because for my dad, I I knew he used to think I was real ghetto. So I wasn't fitting the aesthetic or the energy of what was going on. I know my dad used to think I was so ghetto. But um growing up and understanding our history as black people in America and my parents' experience and then my grandparents' experience, I think the quieting came from not bringing attention to yourself because you attention to yourself that makes you a potential victim target. Yeah, it makes you a target, and it's just like I know that's what you want to do and that's who you want to be, but that it may not be safe for you to be that person. It may not be safe for you to want to be so loud with your friends, it may not be safe for you to want to look like you do going in certain spaces because it makes you a target and it may make you a victim. And while I understand why they did that, I think in the way that they did it, like I said, it made me feel like, oh, they were embarrassed of me or that I was doing something wrong, and it's not me that's wrong, it's the world that's wrong. And I don't want to do that to my children while teaching them to be smart and to be cautious, and sometimes walking into certain rooms, you can't be certain ways, you have to be cautious. I mean, the way we were when we were drunk sometimes, sometimes that's not the you know the safest way to situational awareness exactly, thank you. I was trying to find the word, thank you, yeah, having situational awareness, knowing when there's a time and a place, exactly, just teaching them that so not making them feel like they have to be smaller in their personality and who they are, but making sure that while you're having a good time, like know what's going on, understand where you're at, know who you're with, and move across. Right, right. I agree. I had two more I want to share, but before I get into one of them, because I really want to talk about one of them. What are what's one of yours that you are definitely gonna keep?
SPEAKER_03Um, I'm very anti-sleepover. There you you're not sleeping anywhere. And that goes for, I mean, we don't have a ton, but cousins and everybody.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03We're just a not, you're the only time my child has ever not slept under this roof is if he's a few times he's gone with grandpa, which is not a lot. He may be once or twice at um auntie's or with his dad. That's it. I don't do sleepovers anywhere, anytime with anybody. I wasn't allowed to do cigars. I was allowed to do one sleepover my entire life. And I remember it was a Spanish girl I was friends with, and if I'm not mistaken, I think my mom said it was because the mom made it very clear here she was gonna be in the home. I think the dad left for the night while we were there. And the mom was very good at communicating and over-communicating. I completely understand what the concerns are, yeah, and here's what we're gonna do. And I think actually, two, two girls that I got to have sleepovers, and that's because the moms were on that type of time, and there was only us little girls and one mom in the house. Um, but yeah, I at this point though, I don't care what the mom says, we've made it 12 years. We haven't had a sleepover. I also noticed, I don't know if this is a thing for you two, they don't really do sleepovers anymore, kids. I feel like it's not as big of a thing. Like birthday parties here, yeah. It's very rare that either my kid isn't getting invited to them or the birthday party here.
SPEAKER_02He's the coolest guy ever, so I don't think that's it. Right, I honestly more and more parents are on our wave. I think more and more. We don't want to deal with it. Yeah, we don't want to deal with it either. No, that's okay. We can have a day thing, you guys want to hang out with it. That's enough. You want to create, but that's they're literally like the first time I let my oldest spend the night over someone's house, and he's the only one that's been able to, like, he was it was what two years ago, and that's who his best friend is. And I know me and his mother have had many conversations. We see each other at their school events and other stuff. I've been in the house, protect my child, and I need to be able to believe that. Um, so you can't be doing nothing funky that's gonna give me a false sense of security. Yeah. That's when you want to get your head taken.
SPEAKER_03I think my son's allergies is the best blessing because even in that situation, I you said, you know, you and her are friends and you're comfortable, I would still say no.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But also because my first thing is always, well, you know, it's so complicated making his food and doing that. And I have one friend who her son and my son get along really well. I adore her. I think she's amazing. It's so funny. She called me. She was she wanted him to come hang out for the day. And I actually let him go just like for two hours. Yeah. She lives right behind me. Um, not spend the night, but just hang out for a few hours. And so she was um, she was asking, what can he eat? And I said, you know, don't worry. He's only gonna be there for a little bit. He will have eaten already. I'm literally gonna go run an errand and come back and get him. So he won't be there long enough to eat. And she was like, Text me now. Or I'm gonna look through all his things, his book bag and his lunchbox or whatever you send or whatever snacks, and I'll ask him and I'm gonna buy them all and keep them in my house without you know I appreciate the effort, but still, yeah, no, no. So, yeah, there's never gonna be a circumstance where I'll say yes to a friend sleepover between my own concerns about safety and allergies. If something were to happen, because I think people don't understand when you have a kid who's allergic to stuff, especially as much things as he is, yeah, every waking moment, things that in a normal person's household you're not thinking of, you have to be hyper aware of when you have a kid with allergies. And I to me, I feel like you're asking too much. You're having a person essentially rewire their brain and how they move in their most comfortable space for your kid, and I'm just not comfortable doing all that. So that's just I think I use the allergy excuse really well for that. So that's one thing that I would keep doing. The thing that I wouldn't do that my parents did, my parents were very anti like play dates. My mom didn't really take me out to have a girl fun day with people who were not relatives. Yeah, we had a good amount of cousins growing up. So, from my memory, if I went and did a fun activity, nine times out of ten, it was with a cousin. It wasn't necessarily from a with a friend from school, unless it was birthday or something. So when it was time to go out and be with friends, I wanted to go out so bad and hang out with my friends so bad because I never got to just do that where I just got to hang out with my friends. So as much as I hate a play date and I can't stand it, I really don't enjoy it. Like, why we just stay in the house and talk on the phone? That's enough. But especially now that he's older, if he has a friend he wants to see on the weekends or whatever, I begrudgingly will, you know, I gotta hang out with the mom or sometimes the dad. Mom, they're at the park, mom. Hurry up, mom. They're gonna leave me, mom. They're at the park. So we'll we'll go to the park. I think this weekend we might go to one of his friends' games. I feel like my mom and dad would not and did not do that kind of stuff, but that's my way of supplementing. You're not doing sleepovers, but you can still be social and hang out with your friends. We don't have a, he doesn't have a lot of cousins now because my sister doesn't have any kids. He's one cousin, but he's way older. Um, but yeah, so I do the play date hangout with the friends and meet the moms and go to the stupid monkey joe's and the sky zones and the park and all that crap. And we went to Water Rapids the other day, which I hated, but again, I didn't get that growing up with my friends from school over the summer. So for him, I'm doing that. So he doesn't feel like he's missing out or not getting that chance to hang out with friends. So when it's time to get to that 17, 18, 19, he's not so thirsty and excited for being out and about with friends because he's been able to do that his whole time.
SPEAKER_02And he's not socially awkward, like he's building his social skills. Oh no, no, no, he's socially awkward. So we were at the point where Shut up.
SPEAKER_03He said, No, let me tell you, let me tell you how to make friends.
SPEAKER_02That's what I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_03Well, he can make friends with a tree, but let me tell you what's socially awkward. But all these people are socially awkward. Let me tell you why. So they went to Water Rapids and it's a huge water park in um Riviera Beach, and I think it's what it's called. And him, his friend, his friend's brother, and like a cousin or somebody else, they were it's like a group of four of them. We just kind of let them run amok in the water park. Of course, when they come back, they know every lifeguard by name. All the lifeguards know them because as they go down the slide, they're like, all right, Donald, I'll see you at the top. Like, it's just so annoying. They're taking selfies with the lifeguard. I'm like, these mind you, the lifeguards are all 18-year-olds. I'm like, leave these freaking kids alone. As they're walking out, and they're like, Where, where's Michael? Where is lifeguard Michael? The manager was like, Did something happen? They're like, No, give Michael a raise. He's the coolest. Child, please, just calm down. They're also on. I think it's so good.
SPEAKER_02It is socially awkward, but it's but that's to us, our generation. So they're not really socially awkward. We just think they're weird.
SPEAKER_03We just think they're they're so weird. I'll look at his photo, like, why do you have selfies with all these? Who are these random children that you have selfies with? All my friends from camp. Like, why would you have to get pictures? It's okay. Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_02That's hilarious.
SPEAKER_03That's so cute and so pure. But I love it.
SPEAKER_02You like you have to. I know this this world will try to scare the shit out of you to like you living in this little bubble with you and your family. You guys don't go out. And then you do really create some weirdos. You can't your kids become so that's how really I grew up.
SPEAKER_03And when you when you said it like that, I was like, yeah, I felt like I was that little weirdo in my bubble. And so I think when I'm when I finally like got out and about, and even now, that's why I'm so quick to be like, so tell me about your childhood. Like I quickly can get real friendly and because I'm like, I'll probably never see this person again. A, but B, like you said, when you get out of the world and you're not in your small comfort bubble, you don't really know how to talk to people normally. So you're just like, well, fuck, I'm gonna say everything.
SPEAKER_02If they don't like it, they'll let me know, hopefully.
SPEAKER_03And if they don't like it, I'll never see you again. It's fine. I hope you enjoy your meal at Applebee's. I did.
SPEAKER_02I think it's but you you I mean, we're human beings. We want to get out, we want to explore. We don't, it's not that's why there's um a name for it when you stay in home and become a recluse, and then you're scared to go outside. Like this becoming an algorithm. Like it's a kind of normal. Shut up. It's not normal.
SPEAKER_03I'm I am one bad day away from becoming a full-on hermit.
SPEAKER_02Please, Lord, okay, we're gonna pray over her, Group Chat, because that's we don't want that for Ashley.
SPEAKER_03That's just I don't see it as a bad thing. It's safe in here.
SPEAKER_02It's it's not a bad thing if you it wouldn't be a bad thing if you were somebody who didn't like though to be outside every once in a while. Like you know, but as long as you go out every once in a while and you are mixing and mingling and you know, doing your Ashley thing, I know as you get older it's gonna change the way it looks. But I just you forever in the house, no ma'am, I'm gonna think that you're you're dying.
SPEAKER_03And so we have to do something about this because you're the way my bed has been behaving lately, she really, really needs me. It's been so good. So you might just need some rest. So rest up, girl. See them girl. What was your what was your um one that you really wanted to talk about?
SPEAKER_02Oh, teaching our children to trust their gut over being able to be pre-pressured into doing something, and I think that's something that my mom and my dad taught me that really helped me. Now, was I not outside doing things I had no business doing? Yes, but I wasn't pre-pressured into doing them. I wanted to. I felt desired to do them all. I really wasn't, and sometimes I may have been the pressurer. So um No.
SPEAKER_03So let me ask you, what if I was a new young mom and I was to ask you what would be at least one thing I could do with my kid tomorrow to help them to trust their gut?
SPEAKER_02I would say allow your children when, and I've been practicing this, when a child tells you no, don't take it personal. What do you mean I think and me and my husband have talked about and stuff like that? Because you growing up, um and especially um I don't know what it's like in nobody's household. But growing up with black parents and a black grandma, like when you say no, they take that shit personal. Like, how dare you tell me no, how dare you? But when children are saying no, they're learning to express their desires and they wants their their dislikes. And if at an early age you stifle that, they're gonna think that they need to please other people. They're gonna think that them telling, like, if they say no to their friends, they're gonna think I don't like them. If I say no to my if I say no to a boyfriend or a girlfriend, they're gonna think that I don't want them. If if I say no to the stranger, the stranger may be mad at me. Like, you gotta teach your children that it's okay to say no, you know, in the home with your parents, you know, yes, having respect the way that's what I'm gonna ask.
SPEAKER_03Because now I'm like, you kind of blew my mind with that one. Where do you tell the line then between when they're saying no about something they're just communicating a need or whatever, versus the no is just you, I'm asking you to do something like clean up your toys, put away your things, or and you're being disrespectful. How do you navigate the difference between the two?
SPEAKER_02Um, so with me, now if you're like screaming and crying, we we can't even talk at this point. So guess what? You don't even get to get what you want or what you don't want to happen. We we can't even move past this stage. You've now stuck the whole situation to a standstill. Nobody's getting what they want now because you're screaming and you're not communicating in a certain way and you're probably you're gonna get put out. Um, and I don't I don't mean y'all, I'm not gonna put them out of my home. Usually they are are running into my room in my face, so they get put out of my room. Or if I'm, you know, wherever I'm at and they're trying to harass me. But I think we a lot of times we want to talk our kids to death. Sometimes you're gonna be like, okay, I understand that this is not something that you want to do, but I'm not asking. I'm not this is not something that's gonna harm you. This is something that you need to do. Like you brushing your teeth, you need to bring it's a non-negotiable. Not only because mommy says that it's time to brush your teeth, but do you want to cry when all your teeth fall out because they hurt? Like, is that what like you know, just you know, maybe scare them a little bit. All your teeth are gonna fall out your mouth if you don't brush your teeth. But situation like that versus them, like say Uncle comes around and was like, Oh, Layla, come here and give me a hug, and they say no. Oh, absolutely not. And it's just like you don't be like, go give your go give your uncle a hug. Don't say no, go no, those those are you know times where it's just like allow your child to say no. If your child doesn't want to speak to someone, if they don't want to approach someone, you have to allow them that I don't even think it's grace, but you have to allow them that opportunity to understand that it's okay for them to say no. Um and even if you don't want to do something, it's okay to voice the no, but we have to it basically in your own way, and I'm no I'm no expert, so I don't know exactly like how you would do this in your household, but you would have to come up with a way that you teach your children like you, I understand your no, but you're not gonna be disrespectful in that no because I'm not telling you to do anything that's gonna harm you, right?
SPEAKER_03That's what I lead with. I'm like the things I'm asking you to do that I'm telling you that the no is not gonna work, it's not something that I'm doing to harm you. Yeah, I think for me, the way that I taught my son to trust his gut and I'm still working on, and I noticed with my parents, it's not that they didn't allow me to fail, but I think it got to a point to where I was very reliant on what they said I should do or how I should do something in particular. And they were very critical with if you do this, this is going to be the end result. And and you were like, Well, not necessarily. There's more than one way to skin a cat. So just because you wouldn't do it that way, doesn't necessarily mean it's not gonna work. Where so my parents were very much like, no, if you want life or anything to go this way, then you gotta do it like this. So I think I know what my gut would be telling me, but then I would panic because sometimes they were right and sometimes they were wrong, or sometimes it didn't make a difference. But I was so used to hearing that that even now at my old, old age, sometimes I find myself pausing on making decisions. I'll call my mom 10 times before I do something, even now, because I'm so used to just running it by someone just to make sure it makes sense. So with my son, I feel like I try to, even if I think the way he's doing it is the dumbest way possible, I let him do it. Yeah. Because if it gets him the same end result that the whole point was, then why do I need to micromanage the process? And then sometimes if he's doing something and he's insistent, because my son is very stubborn, if he's insistent that it has to happen this way, and I know it's going to cause a problem or I'll let Do it. And I'll say, see, you first of all, you'll learn two things. One, you're gonna make mistakes in life and you're gonna make bad choices, but you can survive them. I think my trouble was if I made a bad choice, I wouldn't come back from it, is what I would feel like a lot of times. So for him, I want him to know that trusting your gut doesn't mean that you're never going to make a bad choice. Yeah. Trusting your gut doesn't mean that it's you're never gonna be led or or you're never gonna see a consequence that you're not happy with, or an outcome that you're not happy with. Okay. But you don't have to fall apart because of it. Like you may fall short or or struggle, but you can survive that.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I think a lot of that hopelessness comes from this bad thing is happening or happened to me, and I can never come out of it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's one thing. And then I think sometimes failure shows them, okay, here's the steps that I chose. Here's what I would do again, here's what I'd do different, here's what I wouldn't do again. So I think for me, that's my way of based on how I grew up, is helping him kind of and and and I think I've noticed lately he's been doing this really weird thing where he keeps asking me permission to do stuff that he never did before, or not permission, but he'll say, Should I take a shower first? Or you think I need a shower? Or should I wear this? And I'm like, where's this coming from? Why are you so I'll say to him, Well, do you think you need a shower? Well, do you want a shower? Well, that's up to you. I think when he'll keep pushing where I know he wants me to give him an answer, I'll say, Well, if it were me, I think I would want to do this because XYZ. But if you don't want to, so I I don't know where this is coming from, where he's asking me these questions that he never cared to ask me before. But I'm trying to be mindful and not be like, Why are you asking me that? Oh my god, please, what it have a conversation. I'm gonna have to look at this stage of development where from one peer, it's almost like a peer to another of saying, you know, in this moment, I don't need to boss you around or be your mom. If you're just asking me an honest question about my opinion, maybe you should take a shot before you go. But if you don't want to, yeah, it's up to you. So that's what I mean.
SPEAKER_02So you can and it that allows him to trust himself. Like I'm making good decisions, I know how to make good decisions. And back to the other one, like very, very, very, very, very, very, very important. I'm so glad that you said it, just teaching people that it is okay that you're gonna fail, that you're gonna fall short, and that you will recover. That's huge to being able to trust your gut. If you realize that, okay, I didn't like the way this made me feel. I don't like the way this turned out. I can make in, I can make another decision. Oh, that's that's that is so key. I'm so glad you said that. You're so smart. Oh, you're so smart.
SPEAKER_03I try, I try. I would acknowledge. So, okay, my next question. When it comes to so a big topic for me when the Nolan Wells thing happened, the first thing that came into my mind, and again, for our viewers who are not from the outside of the US, for our our viewers, our listeners outside of the US, our listeners who are not maybe from certain parts of the US or you know, black American, we have these social clubs. It's I would say it's kind of like how you, you know, other communities have fraternities or the Shriners Club, or what's the other one? The what they begin with the M.
SPEAKER_02The I was gonna say I know you're not talking about the Masons.
SPEAKER_03The Masons. I mean, for better or for worse, but you know what I mean, like that matters. But you know what I mean? You have these social clubs, so they do have social clubs for young black kids. So there's one social club in particular. I think I'm not gonna say the name of the social club. Yeah, let's just for right now. Right. But um, but my sister was a part of this social club growing up, and so this social club in particular, there's I'm gonna say what the purpose is of it, and then I'm gonna say what the gin pop understands the purpose to be. Okay. The purpose is you have young black kids from I think kindergarten age all the way through their entire time through school to high school graduation, they join this club of other black kids. It's always, I don't think I've ever seen kids who are not black a part of this organization. Um, and they it and really the moms join. So I have to make sure I'm very clear about that because the people in this organization will kill me if I do not say that the moms join the organization. Do you hear me, guys? I'm aware you can't just put your kids in it. Your kids are not in it, the moms join because no, they will only make it about that if I don't make it clear. The moms join the organization, they bring their kids along. Now, mind you, you can't join if you're not a mom. You can't join if your kids are not there. So you know what I mean. But okay. The mom joins the organization, they bring their kids in, and the moms work together and they put on, I don't want to say events, but they the kids do different community projects, different events, they'll do a gala, but they graduate. They just a bunch of different, it's just different activities to help bring the kids together that the moms are pretty much responsible for for putting on. Um, so yeah, it's it's it's like a social club for kids for mothers and their children. Now, the way the Gin Pop understands this particular group is that it's really meant for upper middle class, maybe mostly upper class, elite, wealthy black families who want their kids around not just black kids, but black kids who come from quote-unquote good families, and they find fellowship and community with the kids who, you know, live in certain areas, grew up a certain way, go to certain schools, their parents are a part of other certain organizations, and so on and so forth. So when the Nolan Wells thing happened, my first thing was I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna put, I think I'm gonna join this organization. My sister was a part of it from like middle school till she graduated high school. So we would be what you would consider like legacy members or whatever. Because my mother, my mother, his grandmother was the mom that joined. Um, so I I really was at war because I wasn't a part of it when I was a kid. My parents have a very unique story. As when they had me, they were very young, they had nothing. They grew up just regular, degler, you know, upperly mobile, working their way up out of, you know, barely middle class.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03As I got older, my parents became considerably more successful. And I would argue by the time my sister got to middle school, high school age, we were very upper middle class, if not upper class. So I wasn't in a position to necessarily experience that as a young kid. I was around those kids in passing. My dad, before he did the career he's in now, he was in hospitality. And so we would go to really high-end events where these kids would be at, and I would be with them too, because my dad is the one that made all this happen. So I fit in and I was welcome. Yeah, but it was only so fit in, so welcome because I wasn't a part of all those clubs and all those organizations. I didn't do tennis, I didn't ride horseback, I didn't do any of that stuff. So I would be there and they're the crowd of where do you summer? And I used to be like my grandma's house in the hood, Miami. These are the these are the Martha's Vineyard kids. These are the um Hilton Head Island kids where we we did Hilton Head Island as kids, but not Martha's Vineyard. But yeah, so I wasn't a part of it, but I was at arm's length with it, where my sister was very much in it. She did her, you know, gala debutante thing. She didn't love her experience in it. She didn't have the most positive things to say about it. But in my mind, my son goes to a predominantly white private school. We live in a predominantly white community, he's on a predominantly white soccer team. Most of his activities, extracurriculars, whatever, he is one of, if not the only, black kids. So in my mind, this was gonna be a really easy way to let him be around some kids in a fun way that look like him. But that I'm not gonna lie, yeah, part of it is that they do live similar to you, they grow up similar to you, and they do have some of the same uh access to the same kind of life. Yeah. But because of my sister's experience, because of how I grew up seeing them kind of inside but outside, I do know and what people's opinions can be is that they can be a little gatekeepy, they can be a little I don't I don't like the word bougie, but it's just it very it there is some conversations around being classist and black excellence, and we're not those kind of Negroes. So when I reached out and I kind of put my feelers out there, locally I wasn't met with any weird energy, but when I talked to the masses, which never do that, don't ever crowdsource opinions from social media because they're everybody's crazy. You had one hat that was adamant, don't do it, do not put your kids with these bougie, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you had another group that kind of confirmed what the other group was saying. They were being very obnoxious about, you know, well, you can't just go. You need to be invited, and you just can't think that you're going to. And I and I said to one lady, I said, What makes you think I don't know that?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03If I'm saying I'm gonna join this group, what makes you think I don't understand the steps in the process to get into this group? What makes you think that you're named? You know what I mean? So today I want him to join. There's a couple. There's that particular organization. There is um the Kappa League where the Kappas they have one um for young black boys. I think the Omegas have one. Uh I don't know about that one. Yeah. Um, there's a there's a couple different ones, but and I know this is gonna sound really shitty. Some of them, I do feel like not that it's like, oh, I don't only want my son to be around certain kids. I do get annoyed if we're doing a program for young kids to show them better and it's poorly done or poorly put together.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Or some shit that you could just tell nobody really put intentional meaning to wrong in.
SPEAKER_02And I just heard text, right? Leave me out of it.
SPEAKER_03Like this is some cheap, not well thought out, last-minute like crap that's a waste of my time and energy, and it's not going to do anything that's gonna really be beneficial. I don't want him to be. I I don't know, I just don't want it to be a waste of his time or mine. So again, I'm still I'm still debating. If he joins this group, it has to be now, because if it's any longer, it'll just be a waste. Um, I do have my concerns. He he has alopecia. I always wonder when you meet new kids how they react to that, especially in middle school. Middle school kids are so fucking mean. Um, and then my son is listen, my son used to call other kids the black kid. Like he wasn't a black kid for the longest. He would be like, Yeah, that black guy. I'm like, you are the black guy, baby. So I just don't know how he would be in a group like that. I mean, I'm sure he'd be fine, but I don't know. I'm having my own projected issues, but that's one activity or at least one club that I'm really I I know this school year, outside of sports and what he does at his private school, there needs to be something that allows his blackness to be centered that is important to me and centered in a way that he can take pride in. Yeah, does that make sense?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So what would you have to see maybe from him and the environment that would make you sold on like, okay, this is the place that I want him to be to help with that. What would you need? What would you need to see?
SPEAKER_03Low key, I feel like I would need to be in charge of it. I would need to be because so here's some of the things, and some people are gonna probably roll their eyes, but why be here and do this? I'm not gonna be honest. Some of the things that I would like for him to learn in this particular setting. And in somebody, let me make a side note. Somebody made a comment that there's some things that you teach your kid that when it comes from you is great, but some things it's almost a little better when another authority figure says it because it's like, oh, well, see, mom's not just being strict or weird. Yeah. That is the law of the land. I'm very big on I I've always wanted him to take etiquette lessons of just the way you present yourself, the way you shake your hand, the way how what fork and knife and spoon you eat, and how you eat when you're sitting at a table, putting your napkin. That sounds very small, but it is a very easy way to make yourself comfortable in any room in any situation. It's a very easy way to not feel smaller or intimidated when you're in certain environments. I think I do a good job with that for him because we traveled a lot.
SPEAKER_02I thought about it. I don't want these kids embarrassing me nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've definitely been like, I think we need some etiquette.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. So I think that's important. I really would love for him to do something um service-minded. I think he naturally is someone who likes to volunteer and help out. He on his own has asked me, hey, mom, can I do this? And we've done it. Um, so I want something that's a service project because if the point is these are all very privileged kids, they should be doing something to give back in their communities. And then I want them to do something that's a true leadership project. Like to me, if I had an organization like this, I would expect them, at the very least, at the end of elementary, beginning of middle, start a years-long leadership project. So a lot of these kids, when you're looking at them going into college, the ones that stand out, they've built a program. Like this one kid, he um created a tutoring club with his friends. So starting in seventh grade, they offered tutoring service to um elementary schoolers. And then when they got to high school, they did it for middle. And but he was able to explain how he started it at this age. He grew it to this many tutors. Like he was able to show not just I did this my junior year for college, but a years-long thing that I built. I was the leader of. I showed leadership skills, I showed intentionality, I did organization building. And I feel like if I'm gonna spend time in a program like that, I'm already, my plate is full. That would be great if that program could help him identify that and help build that with him on his free. If he's gonna spend two hours, three hours a week doing that. So yeah, I just feel like I don't want to spend three hours a week when we already have such limited crunch time, not creating or building something that he can take on with him through college, help him with getting into college, all these service things that you need, like they should be helping kids prepare for that. And I also believe if you're paying, especially to this extent, and I don't know how crazy expensive, I don't think it's not crazy expensive, but you know, it's supposed to be again for upper class, whatever, it should be able to offer experiences that are not easy to come by. That you know what I mean? Yeah, that the if it's so centered on the mothers joining, the mothers are able to say, Hey, I know this person here, I can get them to meet this person, or I I know this person here, they can sit in on a TED talk here or something. So that to me, yeah, I would need to see some real, like I said, I hate to use the word over and over, intentional, but like, what are we preparing them for? What if if we're trying to create the best, brightest young men and women, what are the programs that we're doing that are actually doing that? And I feel like I may need to tell them what that is. I've got control.
SPEAKER_02I'm thinking I'm like, dang, well, um, I don't if they don't say what you just came out with, I mean, it may be it may be a mix because if they don't either let you lead or lead with that.
SPEAKER_03Right, right. You know how I am. I'm very controlling, so you know. They're like, ma'am, who are you? You barely got in here. Who are you?
unknownSorry.
SPEAKER_03Sorry, like and you also, ma'am, you know we none of us work for you. Please get out of our face. If I pay these dues, y'all do. Because once don't let me run for president, because I'm in charge, charge. I'm gonna say that literally. Me and Kamala are gonna be like this. So let me ask you for your kids, because you have so many, and extracurriculars are time consuming and they're not cheap. When you're choosing, uh, how do you choose for each kid who's vastly different, what activities that they are participating in, and what are you looking for for your kids?
SPEAKER_02So, one, choosing the activities for them just as far as interest-wise, just watching them, seeing their little habits, the things that they enjoy at home, the things that they talk about, their interests that they speak about. Because while they all are, they all got into soccer. Well, the boys, all the boys got into soccer because their older brother got into it, so they just all wanted to play and they happen to really like it. So as far as sports, um, but then like my middle son, he's in drama club. So, you know, I just yeah, he needs somewhere to take all of that oomph that he has and express it that way. Um, but they're also like artistic. So I've in the past, we did like at the cultural arts um center that they have here, like they did art classes, they've done cooking classes and different things like that just to explore um their different interests. And we talked about getting into instrument. I just in this space right here, y'all. Them all putting the instrument. I'm not we're gonna have to like delay that one. Oh god, that you will be put out. I just, I just not in this space. Um, but going further into like being able to do it in their opportunities, money financially definitely has to be uh feasible, and fortunately we'll be able to do more and allow them to explore more options even in soccer um because of that.
SPEAKER_05Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02Uh I appreciate Hartford because it is a very diverse city. I don't know if it's because it's the capital of the state or whatever, but it is very diverse. So you get a lot of direct teams, and even um the higher leagues, the teams are already diverse, so you don't have to worry about that. And I they go to a school that I want to say probably 99% black and brown children. Um and so I do appreciate them being able to have the environment where when it comes to differences, it's not a race thing. You know, have that that opportunity to have that safety where the differences come from personality and academics and things like that. It's not based on the color of your skin and you not needing to feel unsafe in a space. They do a very good job of making sure that their children do feel um seen and heard. Well, then I got a choice all black kids. No, they further got to, or they're gonna get cussed out clean. Cause let me tell you something. These parents, even these parents out here in this line to pick up these kids, let these kids out of their school before y'all get jumped. Like this. No, but I do appreciate the diversity in this city overall, and that even with the rec sports, like I know that they're not gonna be one of few, and that it's not even just gonna be like predom predominantly black. Like my sons, their soccer teams, they have Latino teammates, um, a couple of Indian teammates, they got Jamaican teammates, there's even a couple of Asian kids out there, so it's a pretty good mix of ethnicities when it comes to their team sports and things like that. So I I like that they're being able to experience that. Um But you know what that is now? It's gonna be, huh? It's because it's rec. Yeah. It's because it's some of the other the clubs that they do have here. I know the one that my older son wants to join um for this next school year. That one's in a diverse team too. Now, I will say, as you get higher in them, yeah, because of the demographic, you the number of black and brown kids, it starts to almost get like half and half, like half the team is it's not, it's it's definitely not as mixed in this.
SPEAKER_03Because there's a whole conversation going on right now about youth soccer, specifically in the US, but it's becoming more so around the world where soccer should be the one sport that everybody can play, that no matter it it belongs to the people. It it should not be based on how much money you have or you don't have. Like with football, especially in South Florida, if you have kids who live in the poorest, poorest parts of the city, if they're good, they're gonna get a full-rise scholarship to the nearest private school and they're gonna play for that private school.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03If they if they stay and play for a school in Miami, and I don't think they really do this anymore before, because the Miami schools would be so good, because it'd be so chalked full of talent. So they would stay there and do well. But uh what I've noticed in the discourse online is that my son's school, they start snapping these kids up so young where the inner city schools don't even have a chance anymore. I noticed one school that's a really famous school. I went there in my freshman freshman year. Um, damn near everybody in my family graduated from there. They are really trying to focus on because they've always been a historically powerhouse, historical powerhouse of a football school. So they've tried, they've hired former NFL players and really made a point to keep those kids in the community and let them school build up. But with soccer, what happens is so in rec, it's specifically whatever the makeup of the community is, right? Whatever the makeup of the neighborhood is. But then when you get to club soccer, so look at it like this you're playing not necessarily with the best, best kids because some really, really good kids are in rec, but the club is expensive. Just to join the club is one price.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That automatically puts out a ton of kids. Then on top of that, if you're playing travel soccer, competitive soccer is the key word here is travel. You gotta pay for uniform and not just one uniform. My son has now four uniforms for this one freaking team. On top of the kit, on top of the backpack, on top of the ball, the whole nine, but then you have that factor in the travel component. And at this point, and I was saying this to some idiot who you have to get real here. You don't think, if you can't think that your kid is going to be able to move forward in soccer world if they're not on a travel team. Nobody's coming to the local rec park to watch a rat kid. If they're that good, they're gonna go to a club. So then you have these kids in the club, they've got to pay to travel, which is an arm and a leg. They gotta travel, which means somebody's parent has to miss work, or you have to trust that somebody will keep your kid to travel. And some teams, I mean, they play 50, 60 games in a season, not including tournaments. So you're traveling, and the higher you are if you're ECNL regional or ECNL national, you're traveling on planes. If you're ECNL regional, you're at least staying within your tri-state area. Some coaches are more ambitious than others, so they really will go out. They're really big into tournaments. So you're trying. So, and I know we did the math on last season's travel. You're talking tens of thousands of dollars because you're getting hotels, you're getting, you're staying for a couple of days, gas, or if you have to fly, you gotta eat, you know what I mean? It so when you talk about club, it just diminishes the group of kids who get the opportunity to play at that level because you're pricing them out quite literally. On top of, now you made the now. Let's say your kid, like my son, he made pre-ECNL lie a fluke. He is that it was our first year ever trying out for a competitive team outside of Rec. Knew nothing about it. But the reality is he was blessed with natural skill, but there's other parts of soccer that you gotta learn the fundamentals for. So, what do you gotta do? You gotta get private lessons. Yeah, so you've added another cost because every single kid on your team is practicing and working out and and doing lessons outside of it. And we were doing private lessons and we joined a separate gym. When you start to add all those things up, and that is why you find less and less black brown kids playing the sport at an upper level because they can't afford it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, can't afford it, and you so you just cut them out.
SPEAKER_03And you just cut them out, and so you don't have the best players playing, you have the best players who can afford to play playing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yep.
SPEAKER_03And that's why you see a lot less diversity when it comes to US soccer, US mints, or competitive soccer. It's just it is what it is. You'll find again, there's always gonna be kids who are so exceptional and so incredible where their parents will find a way, make a way, they'll get sponsors, they'll get support, but that's still one percent. There's still a good chunk of talent that could still make it pretty far if they at least got the chance.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, and I think that was my soccer for us. That's why it's important that they have other interests and hobbies because at this point they can't go but so far right now for financial reasons. So it's like it's important that they have other interests, other hobbies, can tap into other things to keep them occupied.
SPEAKER_03But I think what's good for you is you live in a diverse community where even if you don't have the financial ability to do every activity, you live one in a diverse community. So, like you said, even if it's something that the local neighborhood does, you're gonna see other kids that look like you. I think you live in a community where because of, like you said, it's the capital, because of all the colleges, it's seems like it's a community that probably already has a lot of government-funded yeah, they do seems like you know, like the local library will have reading, or you know what I mean? The local park will have they'll have a lot of activities. Where if you were I live, there's not a lot of city-ran programs. It's always something private, privately funded, yeah. Yeah. And then uh you have a plot and you're very good, you're very good at researching what's going on in the town and finding a resource or a program. So I think that's a really good bonus. Where if you had all those resources, but you were in Buell, Alabama, you're probably gonna be on a black person there with all those resources, where at least you're in a place that's diverse, plus they have those resources.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it helps. It it really does help. And I think because I with the way I grew up, it was like very eclectic. Because I go from had going to because when I went to school in Massachusetts, it was the same type of diversity that I'm talking about now, even back then. I don't ever remember being in a class where there are mostly black students or mostly white students, like there's all types of people. I'm like, girl, where you from? You look exotic, you look different.
SPEAKER_05Where are you from?
SPEAKER_02Where are you going from, girl?
SPEAKER_05You want to be my friend.
SPEAKER_02But then going to for a part of my middle school, going to a predominantly white Christian school. That was like, you know, freaking culture shock. Um did you like it? Which in Loki shouldn't have been, you know, I'm taking my butt to church all the time. I'm like, we're going to church events, but it was just like, this was crazy. And you know what? I didn't really it didn't bother you as much, but I did notice there were moments where I got left out, and I'm like, is there something about my personality that does not work?
SPEAKER_03Is it just because you guys are bitches or because I'm black?
SPEAKER_02Or is it because, yeah, having just having to question that? And I do appreciate that my kids haven't been in that setting yet where they really is it my skin color? Is it for real?
SPEAKER_05Are people treating me differently skin color?
SPEAKER_02No, you just don't like me. Yes, and then you know what? It made me very, I think I was it made me very self-conscious. I could remember, oh my gosh, you guys. I'm such a dramatic human being. I just I can't help it. I remember this one time we were in class, and our teacher, and this was, I think, yeah, this was sixth grade. So for part of the year, I was the only black kid in the class, and then came this girl named Angelica. We should have been besties. Like, we were the only two black girls in there, but she annoyed.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, were you that girl? Like, no, I'm the black girl here. Don't come in here with a big one. I went my vibe.
SPEAKER_02No, I wanted her to come in here with a good vibe. She was so she always had she had the worst sinuses. She was always snorting and oh Angelica. She was always Angelica was always like I think.
SPEAKER_03Oh, Angelica, wherever you are. I wanted to be her friend with her because she's now friends with a snorty girl, and look at her now.
SPEAKER_02I mean, and she the way she ate bothered me. So it wasn't, it wasn't me. Maybe you were the bitch.
SPEAKER_03Huh? She's not she didn't do anything wrong. The girl had allergies. Jeez. But it's the way you want if you want me to talk to you at lunch, you gotta She can't help it. She can't breathe out her goddamn nose, Keila. Give me a break. No wonder she's eating like that. She's stuffed full of mucus.
SPEAKER_02Well, in sixth grade, I didn't realize that that was the issue going on, that she was having a hard time breathing. No, she's just disgusting.
SPEAKER_03I was like, what the Oh, Angelica. Wherever you are now, I hope that you found Zero Tech and you're living in the world.
SPEAKER_02But I I think this was before she she showed up. I think it I think it was before she showed up. And it's like, so you know, it's just me and class with a bunch of white kids. I think one of the girls was like by rage. She's like white Puerto Rican or something. I don't know. And we were on the glass, the teacher had left, so of course, we're up out of our seats, we're playing, and this boy, um he's like, he was like one of the smallest kids in our class, or whatever. He's walking around with a stapler, like, somebody hit it, somebody hit the stapler, somebody hit the stapler, and everybody's like, get out of our face. You're being so weird, you're being so weird. And I was like, ha ha ha ha ha. And you know how you do something, like you press, you go to do your hand, but it's like you're supposed to stop, like you're faking, like you're gonna do it, but you stop.
SPEAKER_03Well, I I went through. I was so I was so that person. I was so that person. Like, oh my god, and I hit y'all. I hit the stapler. He stapled his head. That boy had.
SPEAKER_02Everybody thought you were a monster. Girl, I didn't even stay around because I was like, I'm gonna get kicked out of school. I'm in trouble. In my mind, I'm the worst student in here. People have done worse, but I am the worst person in this world. Girl, I ran out the back of the classroom, ran through the playground, ran down the hill, ran into the baseball field, and was like sitting there sobbing. Like, oh my god. Call my mom to tell her to come get me. And they're like, She's gonna run away your whole life. He's really not in that much trouble. Like, they were in their plane and they shouldn't have, and he's okay. By the time I came back.
SPEAKER_03Because where was the teacher the whole time? Y'all was playing stamps. He went.
SPEAKER_02It took too long. And to be very honest, that man probably just needed a quick break because he worked hard. If I ever find him and I can ever give him a gift, I will. He worked with us and then went and drove the airport shuttle at night and on the weekends. That man was working hard. He's probably tired. Probably went in the break with him. Absolutely. Take a nap, little.
SPEAKER_03Oh, God. That's hilarious. I'm literally imagining you with like a bow in your hair and like the jeans and your little like sparkly shirt running out of the room across the field, sobbing. I literally can see it.
SPEAKER_02Literally. And by that time, I was like one of the tallest students, so it was even more like get your big ass back.
SPEAKER_03No, ma'am. No, ma'am. We're not gonna do that. I don't like it. Calm down. Oh my god. Not too much. Not too much. But yeah. So okay, I have a question. What? Sorry. Would you encourage or prefer your kids to go to an HBCU? For those who don't know, it's a historically black college or university.
SPEAKER_00Would you want your kid to go to an HBCU?
SPEAKER_02I don't. It was what we were talking about this the other night. We were talking about HBCUs and fraternities and sororities. And to be honest, I'm really not gonna pressure them to it and I wouldn't talk them into it. Can I just say the same thing in two different ways?
SPEAKER_04I would not it wouldn't matter either way.
SPEAKER_02I wouldn't encourage them. Yeah, it wouldn't matter either way. I wouldn't encourage or discourage them to go. I think honestly, just really I'm at a point where it's just like where's the best place for you to go to get the education that you need to do what you want to do. So if that takes you to an HBCU, okay. If it brings you to a college where you might be minority, okay. You know, we'll have then we'll have to have certain conversations about that. But I don't, I know, I don't know. And maybe it's because I wasn't like that. Was never a conversation with me where, to be honest, I love you parents, but we didn't have any big college conversations. Really?
SPEAKER_03How did you find Scad?
SPEAKER_02Girl, me and my mom went to a college fair because I was like, I want to go to college, I don't know where I'm gonna go.
SPEAKER_03She was like, Oh, where? No way.
SPEAKER_02And and she used to be um the receptionist at the high school that I went to. She she used to be at the she used to be the receptionist. And so she was like, Oh, they're having um a college fair or whatever, let's let's go. And that's when I got the information on the local art institute, I got information on SCAD, I got information on Ohio State, and I think there was one other college, and I made a decision because I got accepted into the art institute, but I was like, I really don't want to stay here. And then I was gonna apply for Ohio, but I was like low-key told I was gonna be cut off by one of my parents. Like I would have no support if I went that far. It's crazy, it's just crazy, yeah. So I chose Gam.
SPEAKER_03So my other question is would you encourage your kids to join a black fraternity or sorority, one of the D9s?
SPEAKER_02I would. I think they're pretty cool communities. I think I don't know. I always thought, like, am I sorority type? And I'm not sure if I am. However, whenever I watch them and talk about them, there's always like this weird conversation behind even sororities, like the girls that join and their attitudes and things like that. Now, don't get me wrong, I've met the ones that people talk about the most. But the majority of women that I've met from sororities, black sororities, are intelligent, caring, um, charismatic, down-to-earth women. And so if they are looking for community and they join a college that offers it, and I would definitely be like, just see what it's about and get invited, go hang out with, make friends with some of them in there and see, you know, see what it's about, see the vibe. And I think it all it depends on to the the people in that chapter, the people who are gonna be a part of pledging with, yeah, the people who you're pledging with. I think that really matters. If you go to pledge and you don't see brotherhood or sisterhood, I would not, I don't care what you're doing. All black, all white, all in the all.
SPEAKER_03Would you let them join a white sorority or fraternity?
SPEAKER_02No, I don't think that's what's the point of that. What I don't see, I don't see nor understand the point. That that just is is mind-boggling to me. I feel like it's a trap. Um, no, no, no. No, I'm sorry. That is I'll you really like you have to sit down and tell me what the thought process was where you were like, hey, yeah, all the clubs that I could join. Yeah, I think all the interests that I had, this is where I want to belong. Why? Yeah, that'd be strange. What in you wants to belong here? I would be concerned.
SPEAKER_03That'd be strange. Um, I for for my son, I if he, if sports wasn't on the table for him, I actually think I would prefer for him to go to an HBCU only week, which is crazy for me to say as someone who ran away from an HBCU as fast as I could run. Um, my only caveat would be I would hope by the time my son gets to college, they will have reinvested in these schools in a way that is a lot more meaningful. Because at this point, there are such notable wealthy alumni from many of these major HBCUs. Like there shouldn't still be conversations around housing and buildings and resources and opportunities. Um I wouldn't I think it would be so cool for him to be a Morehouse man. I think that's so still, I consider that so beautiful and so special when I see the young men from Morehouse singing and they got their little jackets on and all cute. I think it's so precious. Um to be honest, I'm I can tell you there's a good 90% chance my son is gonna join a fraternity. He gives frat, bro. He's not an he's not an only child, but he's only child. His dad has kids, but they don't live here. He doesn't really see them all the time. So he definitely is that kind of kid who wants brothers, and I would love for him to have a brotherhood. Like you said, I think it really comes down to um, you know, who he's pledging with, but he can find friends through anywhere and through anything, and I think that would be a nice way for him to find a brotherhood. He is the kid who would try to join the white fraternity, and I'd have to tell him absolutely not. Um that's not happening for you, sweetie pie. Um, so it would have to be a black, a D9. And then I'm sure my dad and I aren't that close. Um, I'm sure he would prefer it be the same D9 as him. I don't really care. There's all that hazing stuff that just came out about one fraternity in particular. Yeah, I really hope, but I think when you get to the Gen Z's, they're not gonna do any of that shit. They're not going for spanking each other and get jumped. Yeah, I don't think I don't think, or not even, I guess those he'll he's Gen Alpha. I don't think Gen Alpha is gonna be on that type of time. I don't know what their hazing's gonna look like, but something tells me it won't be beating the shit out of each other. It'll probably be down the followers. They have to protest. Yeah, right, right, like or yeah, like, or put their phones in a in a block of ice or something, maybe. So yeah, I actually would want I would not I can't even say I'd want to. I can't imagine he won't.
SPEAKER_02He won't because he's such a frat kind of guy. He is very much frat, bro. He I think that's I think that's for my middle and maybe my youngest. I feel like my youngest would enjoy it because I mean he it would be a good time for him, and would just be like this is where the cool guys are, so okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, my son definitely gives accidental president of the frat. Like, wait a minute, you're the what? Like, how did you become yeah and literally be like, I don't know. Yeah. What are you doing as president? I don't know, just hanging out, you know? Well, what are y'all gonna work on? I don't know, just you know, stuff together, you know. Like, what is going on here? And he'll come home and say it so casually, like, hey, yeah, no, I'm the president of the frat. What's up, guys? Hi, okay, excuse me.
SPEAKER_02So while we're talking about frats and friend groups, what are some things about your son's friends that let you know that hey, um, you can keep them around, that's okay. Or we have to cut this off. Like, um Terrible question.
SPEAKER_03But I don't think I like any of them kids, girl. I had to tell one the other day, uh, you need to block his number, and he's gonna block you in return. Um the the big thing for me, the main number one only thing that matters to me is how the parents move. If there's parents who are too loosey-goosey, I don't like it. And I'm gonna say something controversial. I don't really want you to have no old ass parents because let me tell you why. They don't have a clue sometimes, and they're too comfortable. What you had, you your old ass have these little kids. Don't let them trick you with this phone and this technology. I watch as kids confuse their parents' minds about social media and the parents almost do it in a joking, funny way, like, oh, I don't understand. Well, you need to. No, you gotta take your ass to the community college and give your class. Some of the some of it out. Some of these young kids, because granted, I am usually, I think I am the youngest of the moms in my group, um, or in his friend group, but some of the parents, I'm like, you chose to have this little baby in your 50s. God bless you. But like, you need to know what's going on. You need to know how to check a phone, you need to know when they're having Snapchat in the fifth grade, and you need to know when that's not okay. And so sometimes when the in the usually the parents that are the loosiest of the gooseyest are the older parents. It's not the younger parents because, like, we know, we already know what you're trying to do. We remember, and we had cell phones for at least a little bit of our childhood. Yeah, you're not gonna pull that one over on me. The older parents seem very, very hands-off and laxadaisical or very easy to trick when it comes to it. And then when the parents are too friendly with the kids, like, ma'am, you're not Regina George's mom. You're not one of the girls, we're not buddy buddies, you're not these kids' friends. When they when they get too familiar with the way that they talk to kids, and then another thing that I noticed with a lot of his friends, they all most of them, at least on his team, they curse a lot in front of their parents. And it drives me crazy. And I don't think I'm the strictest. I mean, compared to I think his friends' group, his friend group, I'm probably the strictest mom on top of being the youngest mom. I they his friends know they can't curse around me because they can see what type of time we're on. Yeah. The way they curse around their parents, it's sometimes very shocking. I know it's just specifically cultural. Referring to adults by first name is crazy. Not saying Miss So-and-so or Miss so Mr. So-and-so, or at least say, you know, so-and-so's mom or so-and-so's dad. Like when they just say the first name, I look at my son, like, do you not do you pay this lady bills? Like, why are you calling her Lisa? Who the fuck is Lisa? Um and my son gets so embarrassed because he's the only one that has to say, yes, ma'am, yes, sir, you know, thank you. And I get that sometimes I'm like, Am I making him a little servant up in here? You know, he's the only one talking that way. But to me, it's just it's just my brain, my ears can't take it. I need to hear that. So a lot of his friends, I'm not a fan of just because, like I said, the parents are just too loosey-goosey, and there's not a lot of rules or boundaries. The ones that I do like are the moms, and I gotta be honest, that I see will cuss them kids out. Because that tells me that you're not gonna play. Like one of the moms, the one who I'm friendly with, when her kids get to she she nips it in the bud so quick, and she gets so quick, it just takes three seconds for her to get unhinged and pull it back, or they know, all right, she's not playing, and I need to stop. And that just tells me that they understand discipline and boundaries in a way that like you know that when you go out in this world, you're not allowed to do XYZ accordingly. Where some kids, it's like they feel the world is catering to them, and they can. We we went to a restaurant one time with his team. Girl, I was so freaking embarrassed. And I looked at my son and I was like, he he looked at me like, yeah, this is crazy, and I Well, I'll get my ass kicked if I have the way that they were throwing stuff across the restaurant, screaming at each other, running from table to table, running around the place. I just I can't again, I'm not acting like my son is some saint, but there's just some things that we just we just don't do.
SPEAKER_02You know I can take it. I my kids have been out and they've been looking at other kids, and uh now we know because we know the truth that we know how they act at home. We'll be out and these kids will be acting like what they act like at home in public, and they'll be looking like that's crazy. Why that's crazy like that? Like, oh they know they need to, and where's their parents?
SPEAKER_03And like that's just yeah, so that's what I don't love. I don't love when the kids clearly just have a lot of free reign, not a lot of boundaries. Yeah, and when the parents, like I said, are loosey-goosey or they act stupid when it comes to what's happening in the world. I've heard so many parents do the whole, my kid would never, and I've seen how their kids talk, your kid would. They actually did yesterday, you know what I mean? I just so I that's what is like a huge red flag for me. What about you?
SPEAKER_02I a hundred percent agree. And I remember and I knew that once my children, especially after I have my first child at a certain age, once they get a phone, I was gonna be all up and through there. Because probably like a year or two before I had my oldest son, and my cousins were in town. And my younger cousin, she had a Facebook, which I wish Facebook would have stayed the way it was originally. But, anyways, like it just it doesn't make any sense that everybody needed to be on Facebook, but you know, money, whatever. But she Facebook, she was at the time my oldest son's age. Now I think she was between 14 and 15, I want to say, and I let her use my laptop, and she didn't sign out, so I went to go use my laptop, and her Facebook was up, and I went through her messages, and the things that I was reading in her messages, so then I started doing more investigative um research, and I would click on the person who she was messaging and go through this. So now I'm seeing people's age, I'm seeing what they are about, I'm going through there's all these people who are older than her. So I went through and I created a mass message and copied and paste every person who was 18 and up. Actually, I think I did 17 because I was like, just, you know, we you teeter you teetering, like just in case this is who you're talking to, this is not acceptable. If you don't want any other problems coming from hit this, and I do mean eventually legal problems, like you're gonna stop messaging her, you should block her, yada yada. Right. Before that, I remember telling her mother before that, like, you need to go through her social media, you need to go through it. She's like, You need to find out like what she's talking about, like you need to like be in there because this is the things that I found. But I had told her before, I was like, you might want to check that to see what she's talking about. And at first it wasn't like a big deal, there was no urgency. I need to know what your friends are talking about. I want to know how your friends are talking when your their parents aren't around. Like, what are y'all talking about what kind of memes are y'all sharing? Yes, oh god, the memes. I had to tell the soccer coach because there was a team thread, and he's clearly not paying attention. I'm like, hey coach, these are the things that these kids are talking about in this group thread. Like, if you are not gonna monitor it, there needs to, there needs to be another way that you're gonna be able to do it. They're not having one. Yeah, so you need to to figure it out and go in there and get in there and delete that stuff because no, there's no way. No way. It was it was it was weird. And then this boy sent one meme where he's like showing somebody looking like they're about to shoot, like kill themselves. Like it was so graphic though, before like I'm like, what is this?
SPEAKER_03Like, um, not not my first team mom soccer group chat, one of the moms sending a Hitler meme. Wait, she what? Wait actually, we didn't talk about this. I literally, when I tell you, I I had to force it from my mind and my brain, but yeah, and it was a joke about like putting somebody in an oven.
SPEAKER_02See, that's see, and this just you know, this circles back to the city. Like, what are we what are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing here? Why we choose not to put ourselves and our children in these circles? Because um, ma'am, yeah, why is that funny?
SPEAKER_03What is the and she was like, I guess saying about herself, like, oh, because I messed up, like, do it. No, it's not funny at all. It's not a funny meme. The memes are really out of control. There was somebody sent my son one about Bonnie Blue or whatever her name is, and thank God he doesn't know who she is, at least I don't think he does. I'm like, and and so the joke doesn't make real sense he is who had sex with like a thousand guys in a day. Oh, yeah, we talked about okay. It's just it's just like the the meme why is it that yeah, yeah. So again, older parents who who wanna, you know, play dumb, understand what memes are and what they mean, and find the point of reference for some of those jokes. Because the kids have figured out even some of the millennial parents aren't paying attention. So instead of them saying the thing, they'll send it in a meme. And when you find out the context of what the meme is from or the point of reference, you will find out very quickly that it's not freaking appropriate.
SPEAKER_02We choose we do our best not to be judgmental parents, but in the day and age of technology where it's more advanced than it has ever been, of course, you need to know how to maneuver, do things, you need to know how to get in to logins, you need to know how to see the screen time, you need to see the conversation, the call log, the duration of the calls, all of that. Like, there's just there's absolutely no excuse not to be y'all up in your kids' shit if they have a tablet, a cell phone, a watch.
SPEAKER_03Especially with an iPhone, because I believe iPhone has like a class where you can come in and they'll like set up the parental locks for you. Because I've been trying to do it for the longest. Um, but you know me, I don't need a parental locks. I want to see because you're in trouble. But um, but yeah, you can go to Apple and they can set there's apps that you can download. And if you have a uh Samsung, it's even easier because a lot of the third-party apps that'll monitor your kid's phone don't work as easily on the iPhone because of the software, but they easily work on the Samsung where you can literally almost download your kid's phone to your phone to see exactly what they're doing, and it's easier on a Samsung than it is on an iPhone. So there's no excuse.
SPEAKER_02There really is no excuse.
SPEAKER_03Um, for our last segment, I wanted to ask you, because we talked about kind of the different communities that we live in that are pretty opposite, but they both have their pros and cons. So let's talk some about, I guess, the cons. What are some of the uncomfortable trade-offs that you have? Like you said, for what are you trading off for the blessing of having diversity? What are some of the things that you feel like maybe your kids won't get to have or that you're concerned with, or that you wish your kids could have that you can't, but you that, you know, I mean that how do I say it? Let me word it again. What are some of the uncomfortable trade-offs of yes, I have this really diverse community, but here are some of the things that maybe that they'll miss out on or not get the opportunity to have or are a little bit without because of the kind of spot that we're in right now.
SPEAKER_02I think right now, I think it's more of a timing thing. I don't know that it'll be things that they'll be completely cut off of, like it'll be like a forever thing, but I think there is definitely for a moment in time where there are certain opportunity and spaces they may not be able to get into, you know, now and at a younger age, well, they may have to, they're gonna have to wait till they're a little older or older to um get into those opportunities, those spaces. So I think timing and just experience with that. Um also I think with the whole race and diversity thing, sometimes I wonder where their skills lack when it comes to being in those spaces where they are one in a few. You know what I'm saying? Because I can have the conversations with them all day to how to handle it, but once they get into that situation, like what is that gonna look like for them? And how is it gonna make them feel? And how will it stay with them? And just how will it shape them later? And so I think that's sometimes one of my concerns, is just like, okay, maybe do I introduce them into spaces like that so that it's something that they can experience and handle? Is that safer you to you know to do nowadays to to like purposely, not because um, not necessarily because that's what is in front of you, and that's you know, where you're closest, like proximity, but like just getting them into those spaces where they are maybe just a handful of black kids so that they know how to handle themselves and still be confident in who they are if they come into conflict with someone or someone saying something that uh may be uh racially charged to them. Like, how would they actually handle that? So I think that's that's one of my concerns. Like, in that way, am I gonna set them back, you know, socially and personally with them not having that experience?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that is um an argument that you hear a lot from people of why they sometimes outright discourage their kids to go to HBCUs. The argument is always, well, how are you gonna be prepared for the real world? Because the real world doesn't look like what an HBCU looks like. I don't agree at all. But I do understand that yeah, if you kind of any kind of bubble is a bad bubble, right? Whether it'll be a bubble of diversity, a bubble of everybody looks like you, whatever it is, when you have to go outside in the real world, um, and you've had no exposure, I think it does make a difference. And to your earlier point about, you know, um the opportunities, I will say this. I think having worked, because I worked at a school for a few years, my mother, her entire career was in education, specifically in an inner city school. And the school that I worked at was very much a middle class, middle of the road um community. And then seeing my son who's only ever gone to private schools, I think people truly underestimate the differences in resources and even the conversations that are had and the difference between the two schools. And and this and and anybody who doesn't understand, you just don't understand. But I would argue most uh people in this country know the way that you're fighting for basic school supplies, yeah, sharing textbooks, where in these other schools it's they're we're getting new pads or iPads every year.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03The you the pressure of we have to teach these kids to pass this one test at the end or the middle of the year, or it directly impacts our funding, versus these kids can come and kind of learn and go on their own path and do what they ever whatever they want to do because our scores or grades or attendance is not based on our funding at all.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I think people truly I get private school is not for everybody, and I don't think it's necessary for success, but I think it is a very different experience. And there are some private schools who aren't worth shit, it's just an expensive country club for children. There are some public schools based on their area or just based on the team that's made them up, where they are so invested in the kids in that community that it is truly a great experience. There's so many public schools that have programs within the public schools, um, or magnet programs in the schools, charter schools, they do become harder and harder to get in for everybody, which makes it really unfair. But um, but so for me, my trade-off is I truly believe my son's school is ranked one of the, if not the top school in the state.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I and so when when I was talking about the Nolan Wells with other people, so many of them were like, Well, you know, you need to take him out of there. You need to send him to a this to and I want to say, bitch, I know I'm gonna be honest with you. Wait a minute. I I have a very good friend who is the assistant principal of a nearby middle school. It's not our area because where we live, but it's a nearby middle school. The stuff that she tells me that goes on in that middle school, it sounds like Oz, like the jail, the prison show Oz.
SPEAKER_02Lord have mercy. Yeah, no, that's not a good trade-off, y'all.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and that's just one I'm not willing to take away. On top of, and it's and it's not the number one school in the state just because it's just the access to scholarships, the kind of schools these kids go to, um, the programs. It is just, it really does an amazing job of, and it's not a perfect school by any means. It's not a perfect school. I don't think that we've gone to enough private schools because he went to the private school that was literally down the street from us for pre-K. Didn't love it. I it to me, it's where diversity goes to die. They're very proud of not really being diverse of a school, didn't like it. He went to a private school in Miami when we moved to Miami. I loved the vibe of the school because he was happy there. But it was one of those country club for children type of schools where I don't feel like academics was pushed the way it could. I think this school that he's at now is a happy medium between both. But I think when they have so if you're on the soccer team there, you're on the soccer team with a lot of really good kids, a lot of strong kids, some kids who just want to play for the first time, but they're going to push and practice and play and teach you like they're going to the World Cup. Yeah. If you're on the lacrosse team, if you're on the football team, if you're on the debate team, every they they have so many different clubs, so many different activities, and they have the money and the resources and the parent involvement to make that debate club is going to be in the top of the nation and number one in the state. That robotics team that they pour so much into the kids, and again, that's because it's so expensive. But I think to act like that doesn't have a benefit, the exposure of it is just not honest. Um, but the trade-off is, yeah, you are not gonna see a lot of diversity. Same thing with the club. So there was a, and I know we talk a lot about soccer, but you guys, if you have kids in sports, that's like 80% of your life. Um, there was a club in Fort Lauderdale that was a pretty much all black soccer club. And I really weighed and debated if I wanted him to switch to that club. It's not close to me, it's not convenient. It's a little bit of a driveway. Again, this soccer club is in my backyard damn near. Um, but I loved how let me let me tell you why I love beautiful baby black children. We were at a tournament where that club was playing, and I'm pretty sure my son's team played their team and my son's team won. But they were so impressed with you know how my son played, and they loved playing him and playing together the entire tournament as my son's team advanced. They came specifically to watch him and cheer him on every single game. When he got sat out because he hit his leg, they were like, We want number eight, we want number. It was so cute, and I love that they had that camaraderie and I'm supporting and rooting for everybody black immediately. So I really thought about switching him to that club. I talked to a parent who was at that club, the club is disbanded because they didn't have the money, they didn't have the resources, they didn't have the ability to take that club to the next level. And what happened? Another club saw those really good black kids and took them, scooped them up, yep. So, you know what I mean? It's it's unfortunate, but sometimes in those diverse spaces, there's always struggles or opportunities or less support in it, and it is difficult. But yeah, the tr the the negative, I think the biggest negative for as privileged as we are, living where we live, going to school where he gets to go to school, all that said and done. I think I've always known this, but now more than ever, after the Knowland Wells thing, I've come to terms with the fact that money does not shield you and make you safe. Money is not going to keep you from being harassed, attacked, or profiled. If anything, it puts you in a more vulnerable position to have it happen to you more. There's a good chance that my son will get stopped by the police earlier or more often than your son if he was allowed to drive around this neighborhood versus where you guys live. You know what I mean? Because they probably see a ton of black kids walking around by themselves. Over here, you don't see a ton of black kids walking around by themselves. You probably see black, you know, young black men driving all over your town. I know I look like, oh, make sure he's good. Like, where he going? Is he safe? Because I know that it's not come here. I don't even let my son walk the dog in the neighborhood anymore. You already know that story. Yeah, so I think the trade-off that's unfortunate for me is, and let's be real, Kanye said it best. You know, when you come in there, you still a nigga. Like you know, when you come in a store, you're just a nigga with money. You're not any different, you're not any better when you walk around these nice places. They don't see you as special, they just see you as a n-word with money, period. I remember when we first moved to this area, again, very nice area. It's on every magazine for the wealthiest, this, that, blah, blah, blah, blah. This was the first place I ever got called the N-word was in this neighborhood.
SPEAKER_01That's so crazy.
SPEAKER_03The first these rich, wealthy, blah, blah, blah.
SPEAKER_02This was the first time I was ever called the It's like it's so crazy, but it's n excuse me, it's so crazy, but it's not uncommon, which is unfortunate.
SPEAKER_03And but and it's easy to say, oh, we'll just leave. Oh, we'll just get. But I've also seen what the other side of living in South Florida looks like. And I promise you, it's either you're gonna have a be in a struggle bus situation and have diversity, or you can at least live in a nicer, safer community, and you have to then just make it on your own to find your community in your group. Because going to a rough school in Florida is not is not the vibe. And then you got a lot of, you know, very backwards-minded, like just because we live in South Florida doesn't mean that some of that MAGA crap, I mean, people should know that, doesn't come this way, and a lot of the education gets politicized, yeah. So it it's very easy, and a lot of people were telling me, Oh, just take him out, just take him out. It's not a New York or Atlanta, Atlanta's my best example, or or Texas, where you have so many communities, even Jackson, Mississippi, compared to other streets, where you have a concentrated group of wealthy blacks or wealthy, you know, multiple minorities in one group, and you can go to private school where there's a ton of diver. South Florida is just not like that. We're all, as black people, very, very, very spread out. And eat and just because someone in South Florida is a minority does not mean that they like black people.
SPEAKER_05I want y'all to get that through your heads.
SPEAKER_03A lot of Hispanics in South Florida do not want to mingle and mix with black people. They may let you come eat their restaurant, they may hang out with you, you know, every now and then or like to torque to your music, but they don't want to sit in community with us like that. And a lot of black Caribbeans can be the same way. It's a very weird, delicate balance here. And I think when people I was talking to coming from Texas and coming from Georgia, I talk shit about both places, but y'all are very privileged. Y'all have sometimes the best of both worlds. You have a lot of wealthy black paid people in one space, and a lot of y'all are in those spaces together. Where here, that's just not the case. And it shouldn't be your only other option to be around black people is to be in less nice areas. That's just not what I'm willing to do. But that is the trade-off. He does have the privilege of being at a great school, a great team, a nice area. He can, you know, has all the creature comforts and he, you know, gets to grow up and gets to see people be very successful. And he, there's no limit to what he can see as far as success around him. Yeah. But the trade-off is everybody doesn't necessarily look like him. And it's my job to kind of, you know, I'm and I don't know what kind of conversation no one's parents had with him, but I can't imagine it was any different. But I just know for me, after this situation, again, I'm I already was very mindful, but now I'm even more mindful of like, baby, I know it's harsh, but I gotta be real with you. You're not going those are there, you're the only black kid going? Absolutely not. Or you're out here, you're the only black kid out here in this park. So I'm gonna stay here and you're gonna act accordingly. And I get that you don't want to have to teach your kid that, but I don't care about respectability politics. I care about my kid coming home alive.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and I think also on the flip side, while we're safeguarding our children, also at the same time, you don't want to live in fear because right. And my husband and I have had the conversation with our oldest son. If we find, as he shared with us what he wants to do in college, and I've been looking at different high schools here, if we find another opportunity for you, that's where we're gonna put you. Like it's you know, it's not a popularity thing. It can be about your friends and stuff like that. Us as your parents have to find the best choice and opportunity for you and for your future. And it may be likely that eventually he winds up in a school where he's not, you know, the majority anymore because he wants to go into engineering and the STEM programs at some of these other schools. that aren't as diverse have some of the best programs for high school. That's just the facts. Yeah. And I think oh my gosh, I love that Connecticut is a choice state where you can choose the school that you want your child to go to. So that opens up opportunities. And you know, them being in this school, part of it was proximity. Part of it was I have an uncle who is an activist in this community and well known and his grandchildren went to the school and they all graduated in college. So they do have a good um graduation and college rate for their students. But this is not a place that's best for them. It may not be. And even with my middle son I'm not sure that the middle school that even though it was even though it was all right for um my oldest at the time I'm not sure if that's going to be a good place for him. For him necessarily yeah as he goes into middle school. So he may finish you know elementary school there but it may not be there for middle school and the opportunities and they are probably eventually going to be in environments where it's not going to be that diverse because like you were talking about earlier those opportunities start to get you know cut off.
SPEAKER_03The we're not saying guys it's right or wrong but that's no it's just that's the world that we live in I'm not gonna make take an activist stand on my son's future just to prove a point here. I completely just think it's wrong that that's the case. I think all children deserve the same opportunities across the board. And in fact some of these kids if they got them they would probably do better than some of these kids in private schools but let's not pretend and not call the thing a thing. That is education in America schools that are in richer communities do better. And then the schools that are private do even better and the schools that are private that cost more do that's just the truth.
SPEAKER_02And like you said before I remember having to um speak when they were doing a state funding hearing for the schools and they reached out to parents and email saying if anyone wanted to speak and I decided to speak and I was listening to a young teacher that was before me talking about all the different things that she had to do pay for her certification and then and all the other things that she had to come out of pocket and she wasn't getting paid well and this one right working in an inner city school and you have to think about the quality of a child's education if someone is overworked and underpaid.
SPEAKER_03You know truly and I'm I'm struggling financially I'm struggling and I already don't have the resources to truly do what I need to do and I know that if kids don't show up in my classroom that affects our funding and if they don't perform well for this one test that I mean like it makes a difference.
SPEAKER_02Exactly so as a parent if you know if you know that and you see that and you see that effect in your in your school you're gonna make a change and the change may be to put your child in somewhere where not everybody looks like them and that's just what it is right now. And I while us as black parents we have to be vigilant in safeguarding our children and teaching them how to move around in this world I still like personally I don't want to live in fear so much that I'm afraid to put my child in these spaces so that they can have a better future and have these opportunities. And I think that's where I'm like it's a lot of tension of knowing okay yeah it seems safe here because we all look alike and we, you know, which that can even be deceiving let's not let's be real people but you know putting my my child then in this situation oh my gosh is that now safe and is in and is something bad gonna happen to him or or his you know his friends or the teachers or are people gonna you know is he gonna become a target and eventually be a victim I just don't want to live while I want to be smart and be cautious and and wise about the decisions that I'm making for my children and let them be educated ones. I don't want to live out fear because unfortunately bad things are happening to other people's children and you don't want to seem like unempathetic of what's going on and that that it's it's serious like somebody's child either died and their friends abandoned him because they were drunk and he he fell and hit his head and you know he passed out and never woke up because he was intoxicated or someone intentionally hurt him in a group full of they're probably friends and they thought that would they would get away with it because they all banded together to get away with it.
SPEAKER_03Well here's what I'll say no one's asked I mean you didn't ask for my advice but here's my unsolicited advice if you do have an opportunity to send your kids to a school and this is not just for you but for anybody listening as someone who's only ever you know had their kid go to a private school yeah my my biggest advice would be you are your child's strongest advocate and don't ever be afraid to call a thing a thing. One thing about that school they know I'll call a microaggression out in a heart freaking beat they know I'm not the one to play with yeah and I have no problem I you I notice some people in conversation they don't even want to say the word black and when I get in the room I'm talking to the teacher the principal and everybody involved and say with black children this is what needs to happen. This is how you need to communicate I'm paying to be here let's be very clear yeah and we're gonna get the same experience that every other kid gets but for me to get those same experience we're gonna need equity not equality is everyone gets the same stool but if you're six feet and I'm three feet what the fuck does the same stool being the same size mean to me? You better equity means we're gonna get the same stool to make sure we're all the same height. So if his stool is a little bigger and her stool is a little smaller so be. But we're all gonna hit that same horizon together. So when I go into these schools from the beginning from day one the teacher knows who I am they know my name they know my expectations for my son and they know what he's allowed to do and what I don't allow and what I do allow. And the teacher last year you could have a good year with me or you could have a not so good year with me because if it's a not so good year you're gonna have to hear and talk to me every day and trust me you guys if you can't tell nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to hear me preaching and pontificating for 45 minutes with them because I will. So I would tell anybody if your kids are in that position one, you are their advocate don't think that because it's a rich school or it's a nice school you get to now be hands off. If anything unfortunately yeah you spent money but you have to be more hands on you get what you pay for but you also get what you put into it. And I get in the I my mindset was always why do I gotta do all this extra if I pay to go here again you don't have to I'm just telling you what worked for me. I I'm present in in the classroom or with my teachers my son's teachers and in very I know the principal she knows me by first name she knows when I'm calling and she's is not answering immediately immediately calling me back within minutes if I need to have a conversation and I don't let small stuff slide because if I let this small little awkward comment or moment or thing that made me kind of like is this like you said is this the person being rude or is there something else behind it? I call out immediately. That's like one very big thing but also the other trade-off is be prepared to some of the freedoms of letting your kids do things or hang out or you're gonna lose some of those you're gonna have to be a little bit more micromanaging hands on. Maybe you didn't have to look at your kid's phone as much as before when he was going to another kind of school or maybe you could let them you know hang out and sleep over whatever you may not be able to do that anymore here. But that's just what it is don't and then plus for you you have multiple kids you're probably gonna have to be a little bit more even more vigilant if the the environment changes simply because of that and I think if I look at like what happened to Nolan in this parent's position granted y'all have to realize he's not a little boy he's 18 19 years old you can't tell him he can't go but to me I don't care how old you are we got a life 360 we got to find my phone a tracker when you get to where you're going you need to call me when you leave from where you're going you need to call me you know what I mean I think there's just some things that if when if when you get to those kind of places or your kids are in these environments there are going to be some things in your parenting that you are going to have to change and you can decide if that's worth it for you or not. But to me that's just the cost that I'm willing to pay and that I have to pay that that's what be vigilant in that school don't be afraid to call it out when people are moving in ways that you know your kid may not know but you know are not right. And you are gonna have to just be a little bit more up in these white folks' faces when your kid is around them all the time and you can't and you cannot just blindly leave them alone with them or let them hang out with them or you can't you just can't and that that I think that's a the one of the negative trade-offs but I don't say there's a negative trade off that's just the cost of doing that business in my opinion. Well how do they say it up the back side to a blessing? I mean hello I like that so to close out because we always say we're gonna keep these episodes tight and then we wax poetic and I feel like this is going to end up being like another two-parter um what is your final what you're willing to not compromise on a non-negotiable in how you're raising your kids that no matter compelled high water whether you live in down the street from Jeff Bezos or you know you live in the most middle class suburban town in America what's something that you just know is fundamentally always going to be at the core of raising your kids no matter the scenario or the setting um one definitely it seems like we were talking about the whole sleepover thing.
SPEAKER_02So many things little things have happened even with me as a child sleeping over somebody's house some things probably changed my life my mind that stayed with me forever. There's literally I think a handful of people literally I know five homes that my children can be in actually it's four in a possible five period you know that my children can be in without me and that's just one and then I will never ever ever make my children I don't know because even though Nolan was 18 19 years old they were still underage drinking on a boat.
SPEAKER_03Yeah that's just not a safe environment any anything could have happened to any one of them and something happened to him you know and and the way that they handle it afterwards is where the problem lies and why race has been an issue um because it's like would they have all band together if one of the white kids would have died that way you know would it be a lot of just based on all the decisions made I like we talked about the phone being a privilege and the game a boat's a privilege did your kid really show you that they were mature enough and responsible enough yeah to handle the privilege of going out on one of the number one drinking holidays of the year in a town like that and I get that that's just what they do but that's the problem. It's like that should not be well I mean if your kid has been a troublemaker or not well behaved but then some people like I said are delusional about how other kids really are I know that I don't even imagine my son would be allowed to drive anytime soon like when he's 16 17 it would take that happen between now and then for me to say yeah go ahead here's a boat that you can take your friends out to the open ocean and do y'all thing or even if it was a freaking late like no there's just that's another one I'm just responsibility.
SPEAKER_02I'm not ever testing a parent who acts like I would let their kids do all that like thank you. Oh God please you're not trustworthy.
SPEAKER_03If you come to me and you're like oh my god they're just like perfect and they never this and they never that and they never have and they never will and they don't and they won't I don't believe you um your child is probably hiding hundreds they're the worst they're the worst one actually they just might be so what is what are your non-negotiables or your major one yeah however mine mine are mine are the same as yours mine other ones but my major major one this seems kind of so off but something that you said earlier made me think of it or it kind of ties to it whereas for me travel is really important to me I feel like traveling especially when you're young is the great equalizer of understanding different people different cultures getting outside when you talked about the bubble yeah the best way for kids to get outside of the bubble of thinking that everything that happens in their five mile radius is what the world is like travel will turn that on its head very quickly for kids and I think the best way to see that the world is so big it humbles you because you realize how small you are that there's all these worlds happening outside of your home and you have no idea about it. I think you get a lot more tolerance and patience for other cultures by being exposed to them genuinely. Learning the different manners and customs I think is another way of helping your child learn how to be more self-aware of their behavior because I'll tell my son a lot of times we don't take public transportation obviously in South Florida but when you're in Paris you can probably get on the train or you know on a they have the high rate high rail trains when you're in London you can probably hit the train so the way that you're gonna behave when you're traveling you're gonna stay close to by me you're not gonna have your head down on your phone you're gonna look up and pay attention where you're walking yeah you're gonna you know and when when they when we go to the airport and they say what's your name how old are you you get uh you gotta speak up because there's even traffic in your ass so you better hurry up and leave you but people don't realize it's so many small nuanced things you learn yeah think about it if traveling changes the life of adults what do you think it does for a young kid and I think what I admire about my son the most one he's like crazy smart when it comes to geography and world and culture stuff he can recognize a country a flag a crest so quickly he's so aware of how many I feel so I'm so geographically dumb that I'm just so impressed by how smart he is with knowing what's all out there in the world and I think just a there's a confidence that he has about moving around and talking to people and getting from point A to point B and navigating because of all the travel that we've done. Yeah I just think sometimes in America the argument is that you know we think we're the center of the world and I don't think that we think that I just don't think that we realize how much bigger the world is outside of us and how other areas have so much going on. And I think for us when we travel we're always gonna be black wherever we go. But other countries relations not always better but have different relations towards black people so you just get to see what that looks like in other places or sometimes you get to be out in the world and I know and some people are not going to agree but there are certain places or certain areas that you go to where you being the black person isn't the thing or isn't the major focus or you don't feel or you already know that you're in Yugoslavia. So yeah I'm probably the only non-Yugoslavian person here so it doesn't feel where in your own country you shouldn't feel other it you're an other there but in a almost enjoyable way sometimes where as opposed to like a I can understand what you're saying. Yeah yeah you know what I mean so it's a way to de-center always feeling like the awkward standing out because I'm a tourist of course I'm a standout you know what I mean yeah I just feel like the what I love the more I used to love and I'll try to keep this short because this is I'm really like it really crazy about what I used to love about growing up in South Florida is I felt like it was so diverse. We're like we're not a soup we're like a salad like every group is here we all stand out as our own ingredients but like we all pretty much go well together. And I remember when I was in middle school high school I had a friend of every kind right I I knew Guatemalan kids I knew Ecuadorian kids I knew Peruvian kids I knew Haitian kids I knew Jamaican kids I knew African kids like every and at first you would be like everybody's either black or Spanish not a lot of white kids but then as you got to know them you would find out more about their specific like oh I'm not Mexican Mexicans eat that but we eat this or you know we eat this but Jamaicans eat that it was so cool it everybody's culture and their things that they ate and the traditions they had and their kind of part it was just so fun and so it was like Mamdani's New York Florida back in the day. And something changed I have my opinions but I won't go there today where it started being less everybody like I'll I'll take clubbing for example you could go to a club or a lounge in Miami and let's say you're there for six hours you're gonna hear an hour to a reggae an hour or two of um chata an hour two of salsa an hour two of hip hop and everybody knew all of the songs and you put them all night long everybody you literally looked and everybody it was every kind of color and we all now this is the salsa club that's the Afro Beats club that's the Jamaican club that's the hip hop club that it's not as mixed and then when you go to those clubs everybody looks the same.
SPEAKER_02I used to love that about going to clubs in Tampa I would I go to one club and have fun all night because I'm hearing everything.
SPEAKER_03You're hearing everything where now it's like no I want to only go to the Afro what the fuck is the Afro Beats place? They should be play we only want to hear this the whole night are you kidding me I don't want to hear nothing of one genre the whole night it's terrible but living in South Florida it felt like you could low key travel the world because everybody was so commingled in a happy fun way. And then I feel like there was a turn where out of towners decided that they love that vibe. So they decided to move and make Miami their permanent home but when they came here they didn't come with oh I'm going to keep enjoying that it was I came here I like that vibe now let me make it the way I want to make it and the more you had transplants that were all kind of the same they took away that fun little Miami has such a weird blend where like we really all truly hung out with everybody all the time. If you went to like I forgot the name of the club in Aventura like I can't tell you how you would be grinding with every nate member of the nation before you went home. Okay like it was such a beautiful thing where now it's just it's just not like that anymore. It's very it's either everything's very like one type of Spanish or very European word go ahead segregated. Go ahead go ahead oh no I was gonna say it's very Cuban but oh what it's true it's true they there's there's certain communities like I said there's certain Latin communities in South Florida that do not want to mix and mingle. They just don't they only want their group represented in the mass of Miami I feel and that's why Miami is boring now. And like I said it felt like traveling the world hanging out back then. So when I look at my son why I want him to travel the world I want him to feel a little piece of what I felt growing up in South Florida in the early 2000s because I know I know the reason why I have such empathy and respect and appreciation for other people that don't look like me that I don't need to for me to understand their struggles related to my own struggle. We met trans people at a very young age we had gays everywhere at a very young there were so many communities represented that are just now becoming mainstream but we're always the most important coolest best creative people they were always that in Miami for a time and I just know how much I feel has made me the best parts of me are because of that. And because that doesn't exist in Miami anymore traveling the world will give him that yeah so that I won't I won't ever I won't ever take that away from him we'll always that's beautiful be on somebody's plane going somewhere.
SPEAKER_02That's my goal for my children.
SPEAKER_03Yeah uh oh yeah me and my husband started where's the first place that we want to take everybody and starting that fund and deciding where we want to go it's very exciting it's also very nerve wracking but you know it's you know I have you need that plenty of I have plenty of options I can give you put together an itinerary a place oh lord see y'all I didn't really want to tell her this yet because I know that she was gonna like take over no listen planning our not even trip no I'm telling you I honestly I should be a travel agent I really should no I really think that you're getting the fuck out of a trip.
SPEAKER_02Y'all can plan a party and plan a trip.
SPEAKER_03Yeah really do oh you no don't say y'all don't say y'all my mother in traveling stresses me out no ma'am no ma'am well I mean she's gonna make herself a part of it anyway so I look
SPEAKER_02Do you have a choice?
SPEAKER_03No, no, she's not a she's not a f honestly, she's not a huge travel fan. She really is not. She only wants to be on a plane for so many hours. So that really limits where we're going. And she doesn't want to be too cold or that stinky or that's there. It's really limited too many particular so many, so many hours, and it has to be a beach or a tropical destination. So that's really it really limits her. So yeah, no, she's not, she's not who you want to call her in this moment. But yeah, no, I feel anything that allows your children to be outside of what they would see every day, even if it's somewhere key west, shit. You know what I mean? Somewhere that's that's typical from where they are all the time.
SPEAKER_02Even if you like take road trips. Yeah, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03I love road trips so clutch. California, the state of California alone has three different countries in it, I feel like there was California.
SPEAKER_02Baby girl is now for a road trip. I don't know. I might have to take it. Oh, yeah, no, no.
SPEAKER_03I I think respectfully, your kids in a car for more than a couple hours. I think y'all turn around and go home real quick.
SPEAKER_02The oldest and my middle son, they took more road trips. The youngest two, they took the longest trips that we ever took. So maybe that's ruined them because they didn't get the chance to do like the six-hour road trip and the eight-hour trip, you know, and then the fun when they had to take those real long ones where it's like, what the fuck am I doing in here for so long? Where am I going? Where am I going? Where are you taking me? It didn't happen to be fun, but I think it's very, it's very, very important for your kids to experience out. 100% because you think about remember when we were talking about um Nature Boy's cult?
SPEAKER_03And yeah, girl.
SPEAKER_02And she was kids ain't never been nowhere. Yeah, you think about it.
SPEAKER_03She ain't never been nowhere. Yeah, no. The first time I went to Europe, I was like, oh, I want to be this kind of rich. I've seen people with money and stuff, but no, no, no, this is a different kind. I want to be this kind of rich. It just, but beyond, you know, I'm bougie, but beyond just that money, again, it's just things that you will see, and adults know this, but it's just things that you will see that you will not see in in here in the US in your small town. Yeah, for real. And then I think if your kid isn't a history buff, they will become one because I know my son, there's things that he is interested in because he got to see that thing in real life. You know what I mean? He kids are inquisitive.
SPEAKER_02They're just so many things that are gonna, yeah.
SPEAKER_03100%. So yeah. But I always tell people don't let horizons, don't let money. My biggest advice is don't let money stop you from letting your kids see the world because museums are so important and so good and so such a vital resource. Aquariums, animal do it, do don't go to SeaWorld where they're killing the animals, you know what I mean? But you know, that's that where limits people. I always tell people, don't limit yourself. You know what I mean? Go when my son was little, little especially, I would try to do every as corny and dumb as it sounded. It was an adventure. We got to do it. We went to the jellyfish museum the other day. It was so dumb. We laughed the entire time, but we had it because like we're always looking at jellyfish this whole time for like 30 minutes and just a bunch of jellyfish. But I always tell people, it will get there. You will get there. I didn't come out of the you know gate. We went to Paris when he was five. I wanted to, you know, do it sooner, but I did it when I was able to, and I did it while I was working in a school. I didn't spend a ton, a ton of money. Um, but it will come. But in the meantime, I promise there's so many things that you can do. And if anybody's interested or wants an episode about that, I love to talk about activities to do with your kids and all the cool things that my son grew up doing before we got the ability to travel as much as we do now. Um, but yeah, don't trap your kids indoors. The more they're outside in the world, the less they're on a phone or in front of a screen or in front of um, you know, the computer or whatever. I always say if you go out to eat, you're gonna go to eat anyway, go somewhere to eat where there is something to look at. There's a scene that you were, so instead of them being like, oh, I want to be on my iPad, let there be somewhere where they can see something or talk about something or do it after you've done an activity. But people, people don't understand how much is sometimes in their backyards or how much is nearby and how many things in the summer will have a free this or a discount day this or a locals price that and exhaust all those efforts first until you are able to do the travel. But don't be like, well, since we're not able to go here, then we're not gonna no, no, take your kids. I think the reason why my son Loki is so well behaved is because he always was out and about. Oh always that baby was always outside, always. So yeah, I love this conversation. Yeah, this was a cool conversation.
SPEAKER_02I enjoy this.
SPEAKER_03This was a good one, and just RIP to that baby, his mom. I don't follow her, but she comes up on my threads all the time. And my heart, I don't I wouldn't. She's an incredibly strong parent who have lost a child who still go on, still fight for justice for their kids, still carry their kids' legacy, still are able to go on and honor. Correct. Yeah, your child is the topic of all these stupid online debates and discourse that your kids are already gone. So then to see all that, and then people are saying not nice things to her in the comic because they're garbage people, having to get up and you know, be on TV and then be a mom, yeah, other children. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I just dad still have to be a dad, I lea.
SPEAKER_03They're fathers and moms who have lost a child and still push through and live a life and make something of their child's, you know, situation and to educate and teach. Like she had a press conference the other day where she brought two other families who had something similar happen to their kids and gave them the floor to get their message out there about their kids. She's an incredible person.
SPEAKER_02So and I don't know if I would be uh God forbid I ever have to find out, but I just I I have to literally can't imagine to do something like that until you have to do something like that. So I pray that I never have to do something like that. But um for the parents who do, we just hold so much. That's that's a that's a super parent. I'm saying that's yeah, like that because that goes that's beyond the flesh.
SPEAKER_03I know it's a scary time. All it's never not the since 2020, it's never not been a scary time for any human being living, but for Latino parents with all this ice shit going on, for black parents, for you know, people with who are struggling who are out of work, low income. I mean, every there's so many people who are struggling, and then to add kids into the mix is harder. So yeah, just take care of your babies the best you can.
SPEAKER_02You're you're doing better than you think you are. You are doing better than you think you are.
SPEAKER_03Something's gonna mess them up, something's gonna make them look back and talk to a therapist about you. Do your best. You can't get it all, but as long as they're loved and they're cared for and they're protected, fiercely protected by you, you're doing a good job.
SPEAKER_02Yes. We love you, group chat. We love you, group chat. We appreciate you being with us. You guys have a great night. Give your babies a kiss and a hug. Let them know that you love them, that you're there. Kiss them.
SPEAKER_03Even if they're set 16, 17 in their rooms, who cares?
SPEAKER_02I don't care if your 27-year-old is back home and they're on the couch watching TV. Go hop on a big self, clear their face with kisses, and let them be annoyed. Who cares? They can rewind it. They can rewind it. Love you.
SPEAKER_01If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, Castbox, Podbean, or any other supported platform, check the top of the show notes or episode description for the link that says Unpack with us what's your take on things. Click it and send us a text or voicemail with your thoughts on today's topics, your perspective, feedback, or even just a quick, hey girl, hey, we're unpacking together over here, so uh don't be shy. And for those listening on Spotify, the comment section is wide open, boo. Love you guys.