Should We Not Arrive
A podcast engaging with the reality that in life we rarely arrive. So... how do we find meaning, take care of the people we love, engage with all the dope shit in life and culture, and continue to walk toward our best life's and selves. While its unlikely we will reach many mountaintops, we're really only here for the journey anyways.
Should We Not Arrive
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In this interview, Jason and his friend Bryce Monson shares his journey through personal challenges, transformative life experiences, and the profound insights he's gained along the way. Tap in to hear us talk about a bit of everything, but not limited to... military life, divorce, fatherhood, grief, illness, being an open person, and the gifts and curses of being who we each uniquely are.
So, my guest, Bryce Monson. Do you want to introduce yourself or do you want me to introduce you? Go ahead, man. Let's see what you got. Okay, so Bryce, Bryce works with me in our department. We met just through there. We worked on the same crew. Yeah. One C but hit it off right away. I found Bryce to be incredibly intelligent, extremely funny, but also just a person who you just have the characteristics that I would use to evaluate any person as being thoughtful, kind, considerate, works hard. You see beyond yourself into other people, I think, you know, and you you treat people with so much respect and humor and genuine interest that I just tend to think like people like that just are not as common. And so uh when I met you, I was just like, oh, this is a fucking really good dude. Um and then on top of it, just a man of many interests, which I think I which I fucking love. It's one of my constantly changing. And also too, a person of like uh but also one of the things like literally we just talked about at station three. It was so funny you came up because Carrie Carrie loves you. And so Carrie's always like the best thing about Bryce is like you would come in on a random week or random day, and all of a sudden he'd be a he'd have a whole new thing, a whole new thing he would say. That's a good thing. And I think I think it's super fascinating, and also a sign that like you're also just a pretty open person to I think anything. It doesn't mean that you would jump on it or whatever, but just like you're interested to hear, to listen, to learn, to try stuff. Um, but yeah, and then outside of that, um just a dude that like I think I just respect, and you're obviously very good at the job, but you're good at so many things, and um a person that I think we've also just had really legitimate conversations beyond just like your hey man, yada yada did you just see the game, did you whatever? Yeah, um, and that's been very like lovely for me. Um, and it's just been good to count you as a friend. You know, I've I've loved it, even though we've moved a little bit in different paths and you know, kind of separatists as you've gone down to the station you're at, and I'm up in the area I am, um, we've just still been able to be homies and shit. So um, but yeah, outside of that, I just I mean, we're we're gonna get into it because this is a fucking big year for you. Um there's a lot there's a lot cooking.
SPEAKER_02But does this feel like a fair description of who you are? I mean, it's it's flattering, and and uh I don't see myself that way, and I I but I appreciate it, my guy. I appreciate it. Well, I think I think it's fair and I think it's right, but okay. And honestly, man, and likewise, dude, like you're you're one of those dudes that I've appreciated and loved from the beginning, man. Thanks, man. You know, you're solid. You know, I there's uh well, you know, when I'm at work, it's easy to get into we're so we're we're getting into some stuff now, I guess, but it's it's easy to get into this like mindset of you know, you get frustrated with other coworkers or whatever, and it's real easy to just kind of start talking about people or whatever. And I try to catch myself because you've never done that. You're always talking positive about people, and so I I try to try to be more like Jason when I can.
SPEAKER_01That's very kind. I'm not perfect, I've had my moments of talking shit, but I think I try to I try to realize that most people most people are doing the best they can. And uh usually when someone's doing something that I wouldn't naturally do, I usually go like there's probably something there I'm not seeing. Yeah, you know, which is so funny, it's such a good juxtaposition. It's why Waldo's one of my favorite people on the planet, why we get on so good, because he is he's in some ways the opposite, which I love, not the opposite, not like a shit talker, but just he has always been more certain of himself, yeah. And I love that. I like love that trait. But I think for me, I'm always like, maybe I'm not, maybe I'm not understanding everything, you know. And and funny enough, it's bit me in the ass a few times. Oh, yeah, you know, where like so it's weird, it's it's hard to to do this job well. We obviously are like such a family, we're around each other all the time. So no one's perfect, and I think just knowing that I think helps me like I just know I fucking piss some people off. I just know I've done some bone edge shit. Hey, me too. Me too, dude.
SPEAKER_02I feel you. Waldo, Waldo's you bringing up Waldo's funny because he's one, you know, I've been uh a DDI for sure a little while now. Okay, and uh you you know, we'll bring guys down for the annual pump research or the rodeo. And uh usually like I don't I'm like, cool, we're just here's what we're doing, guys. Like, you do your thing. Whenever I see it's Waldo, I'm like, okay, he's gonna give me shit. Be professional. Don't let him bulldoze you. Yeah, I mean, I love you, Waldo. You're awesome. Yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_01But I mean that's I think that's one of the great parts of his personality, though. Is it's like it's one of the things I revere the most about him is that he is who he is. He's solid all the way. And I think it's like it's one of the things I would say the same about you. I'd say the same about Ferg's and you know, Shribes, Duke, or some folks that I just happen to be closer with from Academy and you know, relationships. There's a lot of them. I mean, I think we're pretty fortunate. Our department is filled with a bunch of I mean, really fucking some amazing people. Yeah, it's 100%.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's definitely an honor to be around the people we're around. Yeah, and how long have you been doing it, dude? Because you were there right after me. Yeah, I was the class right after you, so I'm in starting the ninth year at the department. Okay. So yeah, you still digging it? Oh, absolutely, man. I good it's it's uh I was in a weird place when I got hired. Um I had just gotten out of the military and I didn't know what I was gonna do. And uh was kind of just praying about it and trying to figure out you know, next steps. And a buddy of mine, he um he works for the Kirk for Kirkland for the like the streets, like sewer or whatever. And uh he was like, hey man, we're we're hiring, you could just come, you know, come work, work with me while you're trying to figure out your you know what whatever you're gonna do long term. So I go to the job posting site that he sent me to, and right below Kirkland's like storm sewer, whatever job opening was Bellevue Fire, entry-level firefighters, no experience needed. And I and I was looking at it and I was like, let's okay, screw it, let's just do it, see what happens. Yeah, and I think I had just about enough money in my checking account to pay for like the testing process, and I got into the last the last test deadline for the CPAT and the written yeah, like the last one Bellvy was gonna accept before it was too late for that year. Oh wow, and just sent it.
SPEAKER_01That's money, dude. It was awesome. So you'd never applied at a fire department before. No, that was and it was just like bang one shot. Yeah, yeah. I got super lucky, like I'm super for I don't know people.
SPEAKER_02They're gonna fucking they're gonna be mad, dude. Yeah, yeah, people are gonna be upset about that. I love it though.
SPEAKER_01I love it, man. That's awesome. Okay, but you've been doing it now almost a decade. Yeah, and you're still digging it. Love it, dude. Yeah, that's awesome, man. I'm so happy, bro. Like, that's so funny because when like when I first met you, you were kind of at least from the little that I knew you, it sounded like a lot about your life was in like flux and transition. Um, and there were some good parts and some some tough parts, like anybody's life, you know, but I think more than anything, it felt like this was kind of I wouldn't say if it was like a fresh start, but more like kind of it felt like it was a good step in a direction that you wanted to a hundred percent wanted to go. A hundred percent. And then when you were here, however, it shook out at some point, and this is part of the big year that's going on, which is one of the main reasons I want to talk to you, because I think this is one of the largest transformations I've seen you make as a person, and I think it's one of those transformations that like so many people I know could resonate with, even myself, dude, my own life. Um, is that go through a phase because you kind of grew up with a belief system and a way of operating. Yeah, I was Mormon, group Mormon. You did, yeah. Okay. And that's what you're referring to, like, no, well, that I just know that, and then also too, like even coming out of the military, right? Like you, I think you're just one of those people that like you work so hard at whatever you're doing. And so, like, if you go to a place and someone goes, Hey, this is the thing, and you're like, Oh, okay, let's go. Yeah, then you're kind of like fucking all right, we're sending it. And then I think down the road, the transitions you made out of that. I remember meeting and I don't remember how close it was to the end of your first marriage. Yeah, first marriage. Yeah, and that was like a tough season. I went through that, it's super hard. Um, but you were was that when you got hired, or how where kind of where was that in your life at that time? It the the downfall started while I was still in the army, dude.
SPEAKER_02It was yeah, man, it was a it was a bit of a pride. Like I could tell something was going on with her and and things didn't quite feel right, but I she wasn't admitting to anything, like I don't know. Well I didn't know what was up, but something was up. Got out and got hired, you know, with with the fire department, and it was probably halfway through Academy where it yeah, actually, so this is kind of wild. So I was up at we were up at North Bend. Sure. We're doing the Carson Curb. Like Burns, yeah, Lib Burns, man, Carson Curb Day. And uh our academy group, we all rented an Airbnb up there, so we could just stay. Oh fun. It was awesome. Cool, like on a Friday. Yeah, yeah, it was awesome. So we and that night I get like a text at two in the morning from some random girl who was like dating the guy that my wife at the time was sleeping with, and it it blew up that night. Just totally blew up. And I was like, I I don't think I can be here right now, like I gotta go home. So I just I took off. I remember calling uh Captain uh McLean like at five in the morning that next morning, being like, Hey, this is what's up. I I don't I can't make it into you know training that day. Yeah, it was yeah, it sucked. Um and uh he was like, Don't worry about it, man. You're good, don't worry about your job, just take care of yourself. Cool, man. Just call me, let me know whatever you need. Um and honestly, man, the response that the department had to like that struggle was like it I've got so much loyalty for the fireplace. Yeah, 100% good people, like they care about you, you know. Yep. So yeah, dude, it was it was tough. But I got worked through it and and had a few kind of wild relationships after that, but yeah, ended up meeting Desi and it's it was like I I definitely felt like I almost had to have those rough relationship experiences to be able to recognize how good and perfect she was for me, you know. Like I think I would have passed her by and not thought about it at all.
SPEAKER_01Because that's what I was gonna say without those experiences, yeah. When I met you, you were kind of like, oh dog, I would never I'm I'm never getting married again. Yeah, I'm not gonna whatever. And I get I got it. I know that feeling. Yeah. And you were it's just like such a heartbreak and a disillusionment on what you think you know and what you think you're doing. Oh yeah. And then when those things kind of end, you end up in this place where it's like I wouldn't even for me it was, I'd be interested to know how you felt. I didn't feel bitter, I just felt like I don't know, like I did my best and it didn't work out. So I kind of was like, I'm I'm good, bro. Like I didn't, you know, initially I had that feeling. Was that how it was for you, or was it just like was it something different?
SPEAKER_02I there, I mean, there was a lot of heartache and confusion for sure. Um and I and I think I went through a season of just being like, I'm just done with women, like I don't like relationships, you know. I was like, it's not worth it, it's too painful. Like you put too much at risk, was my mindset for a while, you know, and then uh it shifted a bit, and then yeah, when I met Desi, I was like, I was wrong, man. I was wrong.
SPEAKER_01It's it's not a generalization, it's just I'm I'm it's like the best way of being wrong because I remember when you met her or saw her and you were like that girl's a baddie, and you were like, you're like, if I could just go on a date with a girl like that. And then what's so cool is to watch how it's evolved, and then the relationship was going really well. Yeah, and then I would be like, Would you ever have kids?
SPEAKER_02And you were like, nah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm good. Well, and Desi felt the same, like we were we would talk about a little bit, like maybe, but but the the general vibe was nah, we're we're good, we're fine, you know. What changed? She got pregnant. And then both of us were like, this is awesome. Like we were excited, yeah, man. Yeah, we're both super excited. Yeah, we're stuck. So true, dude. Yeah, up like literally up until we found out she was pregnant. We were like, nah, we're we're good, man. We're just gonna like be the world's best aunt and uncle to love my niece and not a bad job, you know. Not a bad job. We were at peace with that, we're fine with it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, man. I just it's cool, and I'm so glad to hear that because I was I was just always I was always certain when I met you that I was like, oh, you for sure have all the skills to do any sort of high-level committed partnership. Like you just have such a high level of communication, hugely emotionally intelligent, you just naturally relationally like very, very skilled. Um, you think about others, and I think you just have a way to of like really seeing people's value. You can deal with hard times, you know. You you um are easy to quick to laugh, quick to celebrate, all the things you need to keep the mundanity of normal life feeling still really valuable and excitable, you know. Thanks, man. Um, and so I just was like, Oh, you have all the chops, you fucking have the chops for it. I hope so. Yeah, I hope so. No, you do you definitely do. And and so that was really obvious. Then to watch that transition, it's just been cool to see that like not really like a growth thing, but like you were always this cat. It was more so that you kind of had to find it, I feel like, in yourself and go like, bro, if you feel like it's worth it, and that's kind of always hopefully what I echoed to, which is like, if you feel like it's worth it, you should you should do it. Yeah, and then it and then obviously, like you met this person. I was like, I don't know what trying to, I just know that he's happy, she's happy, and I was so stoked about that for you. I was like, I don't really give a fuck because it's it was so obvious that there was such a valuable connection there, yeah. And then when you're like BT Dubs, dude, Des is pregnant. I remember like, no shit, bro. It was just it felt like such a 180. That's how I view it, like as such a 180, and not in terms of whatever, but then to find that on the other side of it, what's really there is such a deep sense of joy, man. That like that is such a like makes me so happy for you, doc. Like, I'm so I'm so elated for you. The tricky part about life is it doesn't always go that way. No, it certainly doesn't. No, and your life, I mean, as much as this year is such a big, exciting year for you, because this year you're getting married. Yeah. Well, you're you're doing the wedding. Yeah, we're getting and then you're also pregnant. I don't know when if you're is your kid due potentially this year? July 18th. Oh, so fucking yeah. So you're a dad and you're married.
SPEAKER_02So this is what a fucking wild year.
SPEAKER_01This is like so cool.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's awesome, man. It feels really good. It feels like um, because the you know, the past year and a half prior to this have been pretty rough. And we we could talk about that. Yeah, we should. Um, so this this feels like a gift, a little gift from from God from the universe of like, hey, you got through a hard season, here's some here's some blessings, you know. Yeah, man. So it feels like. So, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Cause yeah, that would be like you said, the year and a half before this, uh you were with Des, but you you had some really heavy stuff happen in your personal life, and you can only talk about as much as you want to, but I think it's also important to to point out, like, when you say, like, hey man, this year's kind of hopefully the other side of the coin in terms of what life can deal you. Yeah, it it was yeah.
SPEAKER_02So in June of 24, uh my dad died, and it was it was unexpected, traumatic. We talked about that, you know. Um super sad. And that same week, my little sister, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. So that was like, oh, how do you how do you deal with that? Just as a person, how do you how do you process and just like understand what's you know, your whole life gets shifted upside down, you know? So you know, we took time to process that with my dad while we're trying to, you know, be there for Hannah. And she went in, had a craniotomy the next week. They got it they she had a golf ball size tumor. So they got that out, but they couldn't get everything. And so um she was pretty good for a while. She went almost a solid year without um just being like normal. Like it really felt like life was getting back to back to normal. Yeah, and then last uh July she started to decline. It was uh balance issues and some cognitive stuff, and then it just got worse and worse. And the doctors authorized a second round of radiation for the brain, which is something they don't normally do. Sure. But in her case it was like, let's try it. You know, she's young, she's healthy, but um yeah, so it was rough. So she she ended up passing away in October of this this last year. Uh and yeah, man, it was like wow like massive transition, massive, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Lots of heaviness to hold.
SPEAKER_02And clearly, like not that long ago. Oh my god. No, yeah, it's I mean it's all fresh and raw and recent, you know. So it's tough.
SPEAKER_01How how do you feel like right now, you know, because you know, I don't want to say you're you know a glutton for punishment, but I'm like you're a military guy, that's a hard life. Then you leave that, you come to this job, we deal with people suffering all the time. That's hard. But then you have uniquely had a challenging road, for sure. And that's hard. And you know, it's really first I want to say I'm I'm I'm impressed that you've gone through the stuff you've gone through and you've been able to stay such a heartful human being. Thanks, man. Um but also what I'm curious about, because I think for me that's a that's a lot, that'd be a lot for me. You know, and I I would love to articulate that, yeah, man, I'm fucking tough and I could find a way to I have no fucking clue how I would how I would deal with something like that. And my question is for you how did you, how do you feel like you have been trying to, you know, yeah, Mr. Rogers has that quote if it's mentionable, then it's manageable. Yeah, I always think about that. And so my question is like as you mentioned it, what is your method to management? How are you allowing that to be a part of your life? How are you still finding the good in your days? What has been the process to you being able to continue to walk forward even though you're holding a lot of probably significantly more than your average person, especially in this little run.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I think it's a good question, you know. Ever everybody has a different sort of philosophy outlook on life, whether it's given to you by your religion, your faith, or whatever. Um for me when I think about suffering and the problem of suffering in this world, you know. But I I do personally have a a strong belief and faith in that there is a God that loves us, that there's a reason we're here. Um, you know. Um I'm I'm not Mormon anymore, but um one thing that they teach in the church is that we're God's children. And the way and I think the only way that I can understand the suffering is that for us it's like the world shattering, horrible stuff. And it would be tempting and easy to want to blame something like God on our own misfortunes. But if I try to look at it from a a bigger picture from like a from God's perspective, or try to, the only thing that makes sense to me is that we're brought here um to experience certain things to grow. And suffering is one of the tools and mechanisms by which that happens, you know. Um so I try to tell myself that our life here is from God's perspective, is like when we send our kids to school and they're out on the playground and they s they they fall, they get hurt, they scuff their knee, they get into an argument with a friend. You know, for us as adults, uh that perspective is hey, it's okay, buddy, it's a lot for you right now. You know, that's their whole world, you know, but it's it's not it's not the end of the world. I still got you. You're gonna be okay, and they're gonna grow up to be adults and look back on that and have learned lessons and you know, become stronger. And so for me, that's what like this life is, is it's our playground to learn, to grow, to get hurt, to be able to practice compassion, understanding, and and truly, man, I think you can't fully empathize with others um and their pain and suffering unless you felt the pain and suffering yourself, you know. And so I don't know, that's that's my philosophy on that. It helps me get through and and hold some of the hardships, you know, that I've been through. But um yeah, that's kind of how I see it.
SPEAKER_01I mean it makes it makes a ton of sense. And I I love that you've found a way to find in your own, you know, faith and spirituality something that's allowing you to walk through. I think there's people that you know everybody has their method, but the most important thing is the homogenous part of life is unfortunately misfortune will visit us all, yeah, and grief will visit us all. Yeah, but still the man. And method can be so different. Timing can be so different. And finding a way to feel what you're feeling, not run from it. Yeah. But also not let it define the whole of your life. Right. Is something that I'm always fascinated with and always moved by how people are doing it. I hear stories and we see stories of people. We were literally visiting with people in the depth of their misfortune. And I'm like, fuck, dude, how are you going to walk through this one? That's like sometimes I'll leave a call or an incident. And that's what I'll be thinking, which is dude, I just will like have the deepest longing for their well-being. Because I'll just be like, bro, I wish I had superpowers, dog. Like I would. I know, me too. I would try to I would try to fix this one for you. This one seems so too much rough. Yeah. And and just like so chaotic. Yeah. You know, and I think that it's I love that you've been able to hold on to something that has really added some meaning to your life and kept you open of heart and connected to life. And you know, um that, and then also too, to see like the chaos of life, bro. Like the those are tremendously like those are dividing moments in a person's life, like defining experiences, yeah. And simultaneously in this year, there's also like a deep union of love and connection. There's also a new life, you know, showing up, and you're just like, holy shit, this place is madness. This place is madness. Yeah, you're just like, what is happening, bro? So another question for you that like whether it's eating keto, new workouts, new workout regime, regimens, um, you know, even when like you know, you bought the Porsche. Anytime someone tells me that you're up to something, I'm always like, yeah, so it makes sense. Like, what do you think was gonna fucking happen, bro? Like, oh, you just don't know this, right? That's why that's why you're talking about it. Have you always been that way? Or has that been a kind of a newer development?
SPEAKER_02No, I mean, you talking about this makes me think of of an experience I had as a little kid.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02So for some background, I was born in southern Utah. Okay. Um, you know, Mormon country, you know, uh, and everybody's white. You don't say we all eat we all eat, you know, steak, potatoes, deer, you know, venison venison. Um and then from there, like we lived in we lived, we moved up here to Washington. My dad went to dental school here. Um, very kind of homogenous, same sort of existence, experience. Moved to Montana when I was like little. I mean, I don't know how old I was, four or five or something like that. Third grade. What is that? What age is like third grade. Third grade's probably like eight. Okay, yeah. So maybe nine. Yeah, so around there. I was like third, fourth grade in Montana. And uh when we were in Montana, we had um this was after my parents' divorce. My mom was dating this guy, uh, and he was like, Hey, I'm gonna take you guys to this this new restaurant. You know, you guys don't have not been here before, you're gonna like it. And I was like, Okay. So we go to this this uh restaurant, it's a Chinese restaurant. Okay, and I was like, What is this? You know, first time, first time, man. And he was he was a cool guy. He was like, All right, kids, you guys can order anything you want on the menu. And I was like, I was scrolling through the menu, you know, and there was something on there called muscles. I was like, what? I was like, what is this? You know, he's like a tough ass first order. He was like, they're like clams, you know, and I was like, clams? I was like, Yeah, let's go. So that was like, and I loved it, man. I was like, this is the coolest freaking thing. Um, and I was I've always been adventurous, like with food. And so I think that was that that was probably the first, the first memory I have of like, let's try something new. Yeah, what is this about, you know?
SPEAKER_01Because I feel like that's part a really defining part of you is that I feel like you're somebody who looks at life as a place to have the opportunity to experience things. Yeah. Instead of kind of a person who and and with no judgment, just a different makeup that's kind of like, hey, what makes me feel safe and adds value to my life is keeping things a particular way. Yeah. Right? Like I'm just I'm not shitting on it. I just I know people like that, they're lovely, good, smart, wise people. But for them, life is kind of about continuity where I tend to live my life, and I think that's why I resonate with it. Of like the best part about life is interruptions, but that it's a sense of new experiences, they're the interruptions that all of a sudden color my days, as opposed to the sense of mundanity that provides safety for some, provides for me a sense of boredom.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I get that. I can see that, man. That's interesting because like I I could I could see someone who maybe grew up in the same neighborhood, the same house their whole life, same schools, same group of friends. Uh, and that's normal for them. Yep, you know. Feels good. It feels good, yeah. And like for me, we moved a lot. Parents divorced, you know, when I was little, um, like we were freaking homeless for a short season. Like, we, you know, there's a lot of change, and that was you've lived in transition. Yeah, so transition and change was the baseline, it was just normal, you know. So then the the unique things within all that chaos that really come up to the surface is like, what is this? Like for me, it was the freaking muscles at a Chinese restaurant, you know. The first time I was like, What is this? Yeah, I'm like, this is freaking cool, you know. Yeah, we you know, so I don't know. We had another opportunity as a kid, a different guy, different guy. My mom was dating. He was like this kind of cowboy dude, a former Green Beret. Like, I looked up, I was like, This is a cool guy, you know. This guy's awesome. Extreme motherfucker, yeah. And he was like, Hey Bryce, you want to come with me? I gotta go out to the ranch. There's a bunch of uh cows that are like close to like giving birth or whatever, so we gotta go and hang out and watch them throughout the night. So like I went Do you have any reference for this?
SPEAKER_01Just shot before you get to it. Do you have any reference for this? You ever done anything like this?
SPEAKER_02Uh no, I mean the closest was like I've I've been on horses. My grandma had some cattle at her place. But like no deli no nothing like what you're about to go to. No, dude. No, this I was like, what are we what are we getting? What are we getting into, man? And so I'm hanging out with this guy that I'm like, this is the kind of dude I want to grow up to be, you know. Like I want to be like this guy. We're hanging out in this little sh like uh bunk house on this ranch, and every couple hours we'd get up and we'd do our rounds around the like the field where all the cows are at. Gotcha. I'd be walking with this guy, it's dark, you know. He'd be like, all right, watch out for the bull. He's a little grumpy. Like, if he gets up, like just stand behind me, we'll be okay, you know. And we spent the night every two hours getting up and just walking these fields and hanging out with cows. I was like, what is happening right now? This is like the coolest thing, dude. And I'll tell you, you might want to cut this next part out. I don't know. But like the next morning, dude, we had to like we had to check the the baby that's like the fetus or whatever. Yeah. And to do to do that, man, you have to put on this giant glove. Sure. You go right in, dude. Okay, right into the cow. Like, you know, he was like, All right, is it facing the right direction? Can you feel the head and stuff? Yeah, if it's not, like it's you know, we gotta do stability. Yeah, so I'm sitting there as like a 10-year-old, like fucking elbow deep in a cow and I'm like, how did I get here? This is crazy, you know. But I loved it. Yeah, like those are kind of experiences are cool, you know. It's yeah, different stuff.
SPEAKER_01But no, I mean I think I think that's the same. That's my point, which is like that level of openness to experience, I think, has kind of led you a lot of places. One of the things that I think has about that trait that's so helpful is I think it's also this the very same thing that took you from I'm not gonna get married, I'm not gonna have kids. Yeah. But that openness to like, well, this is a cool girl. We'll see. Yeah, and all of a sudden you're kind of like, marriage? I don't know. I guess we can revisit that idea. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're pregnant? Well, I guess I'm I'm into being a dad. I think it's cool just to see how the fruit of that posture of like the heart of just like I'm open a little bit. I don't know that I'm open to everything, but I'm certainly open enough to go like what's here, and how can I meet that with a sense of like what kind of joy, what kind of excitement, what kind of at least curiosity can I bring to this? So it's just one of those parts of you that I'm always like, it's a cool thing, man. Because I you're always a guy that I'm like, hey man, you gotta check this out. If I said that to you, you'd be like, all right, I'll check it out. You know what I mean? And that's kind of that I there's something about that that is always a nice energy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, man. Yeah, I appreciate it. There's a there's definitely a downside to it, you know, as we've been talking about it. Like I because there's definitely I envy those who have that like whatever the opposite of like this chaos that I live in is like that stability and that framework of like keep it simple, keep it straight, keep it, like keep going, hold the course. Um like the like okay, how do I say this? We talk about uh people having ADD, right? Sure. I think I have what's called macroad. Might be a new coin term here. Oh, I love it, bro. I like I go from one redocum. Macro ADD, yeah, yeah. I you know, it's yeah, it allows me to like kind of try to flourish in the chaos of life, uh, but I have a hard time settling and sticking to things. Like I definitely struggle with consistency. So like the upside is is I can accept and do new wild things and and embrace new uh adventures or interests, but um there's very little that I feel like I'm good at sticking to and staying consistent with. And it's always been a struggle. Like the fire department has been the the only like the longest job that I've held, you know. I gotta get bored and move on to something else. Whether I was a valet or or a bus boy or working for Target, whatever I was doing, I'm like, this is stupid. I'm done with this, you know. The fire department has has captured me and I'm grateful for that. And I'm trying to grow and become better at like holding on to consistency in life. But I mean, dude, with anything, whether it's like trying to be good at meal prepping every day or working out every day or whatever, dude. I'm all over the place. I'm not consistent, and I really don't like that about myself. You know, but I I think this conversation has kind of highlighted like the flip side of that is is I am okay with the unknown. I am okay with like just crazy stuff happening and just see where it goes, you know.
SPEAKER_01It's it's like, yeah, like I said, like you just you're gonna have those strengths and curses, yeah. Those gifts and curses, sorry, gifts and curses. But at the same time, like you said, I agree with you. I have ADHD, I have macro, ADHD. But I mean, uh, I've had that my whole life, you know what I mean, too. And that's always been a struggle for me to be consistent. Um, and I think what I've just tried to do is just be honest about that with myself. I try not to I try not to lie to myself or live under the illusion of like I'm I'm exceptional at you know being diligent and like execute, I'm very detail-oriented, but I'm gonna be really great at all this particularity. It's like, bro, that's not my strength, which is also why I try to be honest about what I choose to do when I decide to move forward, and I also try not to move forward in my life in certain ways where like when I was a kid, you take those personality tests, you know. Oh, yeah. And you're like supposed to help you figure out your job or whatever it is, yeah, like your vocational test. Yeah, I would do whatever I could to fucking put like a lawyer on there. You know, you manipulate that shit. You would just like lie and shit to try to be like, yeah, look at me, I should be a lawyer, whatever. And then you like get older and you're like, Me and my buddy Nate were laughing about this, and like, and then you think about how detail-oriented a lawyer is and you're like, they would have fired me. I would have fucked, I would have lasted a week in that motherfucker, you know what I mean? So it is that awareness too. That like it's not just like you said the macroDHD, it's also like I've tried to make part of my goal getting older, like, that's okay. Everyone's got their strengths and weaknesses. Yeah, the game is how can you set up systems to try to maximize the strengths of who you are and to not allow the weaknesses of who you are to and I'm not talking about weaknesses like if you're unkind, that's different. Um, but I'm saying like the weaknesses of like, eh, I'm not the most disciplined. Okay. Yeah. So what do we need to to leverage that? And what are those systems that might compel me to be more disciplined? Yeah, you know. Do you feel like you've always played good for a hard coach? That's what I always say. Any sort of and that doesn't mean like literally, it just means like anything where there's a looming threat. Yeah, great. I'm great, I'm a fucking tank. I could do it perfectly. As soon as you take away the threat of destruction or like huge, massive failure, it's like maybe I'll do it.
SPEAKER_02But like no a hundred percent. Okay, I uh if I don't have like when I was in the when I was in the army, you know, we had our drill sergeants or what you like scary, you know, but it was motivating. And I could lock in and I'm like, I'm good. Same with the fire service in a way, like there's a lot of expectation and and and and that creates this structure that I need to like be successful in in life economically, you know. Like if I didn't have that, like if I was I daydream about being an entrepreneur all the time. I come up with ideas like you are for business.
SPEAKER_01You are an entrepreneur whether you know it or not.
SPEAKER_02I but like you sound like the world's worst, dude. The world's worst, dude. I have the my dad was the same way, like he would talk to me about these invention ideas, but then when it came to executing, it was like, oh if I had like some drill sergeant that was like dude, get on the ground and give me 20, and then go and fucking like do write up your business plan.
SPEAKER_01I I'd probably have I probably have a number of businesses already, but I don't, you know. There's actually, but I will say this, there's a thing now. Oh, what is it called? I'm gonna forget, but there's a thing now where people show up, and I can't remember if it's called like surrogate or it's not symbiotic. Or whatever. Anyways, it's this basically it's the idea that you have an I'll figure it out later. But it's the it's the idea that that when you go to work, you have one other person in the room with you, and they're there just to check in with you throughout that to like hold you accountable to hold you accountable. Oh, yeah, because there's a recognition that certain cognitive like uh profiles, yeah, the way certain brains work, they thrive on this thing. So, like working out, right? Working out for you, like you can work out really fucking hard. Like I've worked out with you before and you can send it. But one of the ways I noticed, like you used to do CrossFit a lot, yeah, and you're great at it. And I think one of those things is when there's that collective accountability, that's a hundred percent, you're a fucking animal. You're like, oh, I'll die out here. Yeah, and that's also where I think you thrive in the fire thing, too, because there's that comprehensive team sense. Yes, but when you're like by yourself, you're like, where's the motivation?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, dude. Go home and sit on the couch, play video games. Like, I'm like, oh dude, the only thing that has got me like my ass in gear for getting projects around the house done is the fact that we've got a baby coming. It's good, it's a good threat. I'm like, oh man, okay. To get the nursery ready, I gotta get the office cleaned, to do all that shit. I gotta move a gym, which means I gotta get the garage clean, which means I gotta go buy shelving, and you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe the baby's gonna be my drill sergeant. No, honestly, dude, I will tell you this.
SPEAKER_01I will tell you this to someone with ADHD and with a kid, it's been the best thing in my life. Yeah, like in a deeply emotional way, I would say this like one of the pitfalls of a personality similar to ours is the capacity to be distracted. Yeah, 100%. And one of the benefits of having a kid is it is not just um a tough coach, it's a thing you truly like more than yourself, than your own comfort. And that that has been the greatest freedom of my life, which is oh, I might fuck off my own stuff. That may happen. I may not exactly do what I'm supposed to do on this creatively, I may not get all my workouts in, but I will always have food. His clothes will always be clean. He will make it to every practice. He will make I will make sure that he gets every bit of his homework done, he will always have support, I will always listen to him. Yeah, like that shit, dude. Like, it's the one thing in my life that I'm like, try to catch me slipping. You'll you never fucking will. Yeah, that has been the one reward of like and it and because it doesn't come from this place of doom, it flows from this place of deep love. Like, I just fucking love you, dude. I'm never gonna let you drown. There's such a gift in that for a person who's spent their life distracted. Yeah, so I only say that because I know that sensation, but I really think that part of it, that part of you, is gonna fucking rip being a dad. You're gonna kill it. Oh yeah, man. You're gonna you're gonna geek out at a level that you've been like, I never thought I would care about something so much in my life. Like, I'm excited for you in that front. Thanks, man. Yeah, but I read what's your let me ask you this like what's something that you are both excited and and nervous about about being a new dad? Oh, dude.
SPEAKER_02I mean, terrified just terrified, terrified about everything. Like just like the first time I change that diaper, I'm probably gonna gag and get peed in the face, you know what I mean? Like I got pooped on the first time I tried to for sure, bro.
SPEAKER_01That's coming in.
SPEAKER_02My gag reflex has gotten worse too. Oh, really? It's gotten worse, man. I yeah, I've been on some calls lately where I'm just like sorry, dude. It's like you gotta handle it. I don't have one. You really never in my life. Not yet, dude. It's but yeah, so I don't know. I think my fear is just like um, I don't know, the all the little things that that you need to do. Like uh I I think maybe it's it's um social media is part of the problem. Like my Instagram's full of like as a new dad, make sure you do this, make sure you do this. Oh gosh. Fuck, what if I forget some of this stuff, you know? Yeah. But I definitely feel like it's gonna there's elements that are gonna come naturally. At least I hope so. That's what I'm banking on, is that there's gonna be this instinct that kind of kicks in, you know. And I've like other dads I've talked to have had similar stories. Like actually, one of my favorite stories is from uh Chief Steer. Okay. He told me this time his his kid was like choking, like started to choke. Oh shit. And he said he just grabbed his kid, picked him up by the feet, and did like did one of these like like upside down. Oh yeah. And he was like, I don't know why I did that, man. He's like, like, I'm a firefighter, like I know the protocols. I just grabbed this guy, flipped him upside down, and just like he's like, just instinct, you know. Yeah, like hopefully that's the same, man. You know, just instinct.
SPEAKER_01But yeah, I'm I'm I'm looking forward to it, man. Yeah, and I I mean I think you will, I think you're gonna find that those things, and that's the coolest part is like you're gonna have your own vibe. Yeah, that's I think one of the things I like the most. I try not to give any prescriptive advice because I'm like, bro, your kid and you, you're gonna have your own magic. And the cool part is you have such an openness that I think is so useful for a brand new human being, fresh upon the earth, trying to figure this place out. That's scary, that's a lovely space to land. Like, all you need to know is I love you, I got your back no matter what, and we're gonna figure out who you are. Yeah, but you're gonna lead me and I'm gonna I'm gonna try to help you. Yeah, whatever that is, you know. You're gonna fucking murder it, dude. I'm like, I have zero doubts.
SPEAKER_02I have zero doubts, bro. Well, I definitely I've I've been thinking a lot about you actually actually since I've got the news that you know Desi's pregnant, and like you're the type of just over the conversations we've had since Huck's been around, you know. Um, like I look up to you as like the type of dad you are, and that's something I've super appreciated is is you have what resonates with me is the right philosophy and mindset when it comes to parenting. It's awesome. Yeah, I appreciate it. I'll I'll tell you this. This is a little bit of a confession. When I found out it was a boy, my stress level went down just a little bit. Because I, dude, I knew I was like, if it's a girl, dude, I'm gonna have there's gonna be no self-control. I'm just gonna be wrapped around her finger, like anything you want, baby girl. Like, she's gonna grow up to be this like spoiled brat. But with a boy, I'm like, at least I feel like I could institute.
SPEAKER_01I think you would have done well with a girl. I think one of the things I think you would have done well with either. I think the truth is, is if I were to say something, I would say like you're still gonna be wrapped around his finger. Yeah, yeah. That's the craziest part, dude. You're still just gonna be like you'll see. Like I would just word it like the level of good that you will be aware that they are worthy of. Yeah, it won't matter what their gender is, you will be frustrated that once you really see it, you just will. You'll see it and you'll go, uh unfortunately I cannot manifest the level of good you are worthy of. I can only do my best. And that that is such a staggering recognition because you'll you just will, I think, find in that in that little human being such a value. Yeah. And and I hope what it does when you're down that road is I hope it just reminds you of how deeply valuable you are. That like that that that that's you too. It's like such a weird thing. I I mean, like, I don't know your childhood fully, but it sounds like a bit of chaos. Am I almost? And it was tough. And the coolest part is I've done none of I've fought to go. Oh, I'm you're not a proxy by which I achieved my dreams. You're not like a fucking thing. You're gonna be processing. Oh god, no, we're not processing any of that shit through that kit. I'm fighting like as hard as I can not to do any of that. But what it is cool is is the areas where you took some injuries, you got some, you got fucked up a bit. It's so cool to go back and go, oh, but see, now I'm in the seat, yeah, and we just get to do it so much more lovely than what I got. Yeah, it's like this oddly healing thing. So moving back to this point that we were talking about earlier, you are walking toward marriage first time. How does that feel? Does that feel like something that you are excited about, nervous about, maybe both? Um, what is that feeling like?
SPEAKER_02It's so the first time through felt pressured. So I talked a little bit about, you know, Mormon, whatever, and there's a lot of like expectation around that. I was like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to do, but now with Desi, it's this is what I want to do. And it's it's less of being pushed into it and more of being pulled into it. You know what I mean? And it's a fully different thing in so many ways, and um yeah, so I'm I feel like um like one thing I constantly strive for in life is a sense of peace. I just want to be able to come home and just be have peace, you know? And like I had mentioned earlier, a lot of my prior relationships, it wasn't like that. It was this isn't bringing peace, this is like there's turmoil, there's it's it's not there's something off, you know. Um so so finding that I have peace in my relationship with Desi is it was like this light bulb moment of this is what this kind of relationship is supposed to feel like. Or at least in my mind, what I want it to feel like. And it's here, you know? Um so yeah, so it it's it's not uh it's not coerced, it's not anything of like um, you know, I'm not trying to appease any kind of social expectations or norms around it. It's like uh it's just the next step in our love for each other and our life together, you know? So it feels very different from the first time to the point where I'm like, I don't even recognize whatever I had done before. Whatever that marriage was, it is it's like completely different from this relationship. It's not the same thing, it's like a different category, you know. Does that answer the question?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, any I was just wondering like anything you can name that you're like this piece is the part that if I was gonna say what was different between the past relationship and this one, like with Desi, what is if you can name it, is there something you can name about what is actually functioning so much different? Because I think a lot of people are if they're looking for relationships or they're in that state of transition, or even if they're like just trying to improve their relationship, what's the part that's really working for you that's giving you that sense of peace and connection?
SPEAKER_02I think that uh mechanically for for her and I we both have it's like an unspoken sort of agreement that we we don't have demands or expectations of the other person. Um we don't get like like we we have our little disagreements and arguments, but there isn't a sense of I don't even know how to say it right. Like it just feels natural. And maybe that's the thing is like spending time to find someone that life just feels natural with, and it's not necessarily something you could just put a finger on and say, this is like the thing. Like we don't we don't ever fight or we don't ever XYZ or or we came into the relationship agreeing on religion and politics and whatever. Like we like Dusty and I didn't have any of that, like we didn't like like have some kind of talk and agree on all these like set things before it just was natural, and maybe that's because both of us are like very type B personalities where we just kind of chill and we don't like give a fuck about much, you know. Maybe that's what it is. Like we're both okay. Here's okay. I think I figured it out. Here's the key find someone where you and your partner both have the same level of like acceptance of how dirty your kitchen can get before you have to clean it, and everything's gonna be okay. Like we both we both have the same level of tolerance for like how disorganized and dirty our house can get. You know, yeah. Maybe that's the maybe that's the true key.
SPEAKER_01Just find someone that you have like that same level of uh but there's a level of it that you're describing which really sounds like a flow and a natural ego. Yes, yeah, and the thing is like it's so funny, everybody's so different. Like, and again, this is not not me refuting anything you're saying. If anything, I'm stoked about it that you found the thing you're looking for. But someone asked me recently, they were like, you know, don't you want your relationship to be peaceful? And I was like, Oh, of the one thing that I would want to describe about my long-term partner, peace is not one of them. I've never wanted my life to be peaceful, and my life has always been chaos, yeah. And and that's what I know, and that's what is within my comfort zone. In fact, the one of the least comfortable things is a sense of peace. That is like where I'm like, uh oh, what's happening? Uh-oh. Yeah, yeah, like I'm like waiting for a shoe to drop. It's the same thing. Yeah, it's like something something's gonna be something's gonna be thrown off. So for me, chaos is like perfect. Like when it's loud. My favorite, my favorite place in the world is in the kitchen of my sister, where there's three little kids plus my son, and then my mom, my stepdad, my baby says hail, and everyone's talking. Yeah, it's loud, and all of a sudden I'm like, oh, this is like home. Yeah, and I love that. I love the madness of that. Okay, Jason, hey Jake, can you go over? Oh bah, and I hear the laughter, and then I've whatever that that kind of thing feels so homey for me. And even with my partner, if things are I don't want drama, but but like maybe that's the difference. Yeah, I don't want drama, but I but I but the sense that there's that there's a constant ebb and flow of things for me is what feels comfortable. But at the same time, that's that's not for everybody. That's not that's not everybody's interest. Well, yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02And when I say peace, I don't mean like it's a quiet.
SPEAKER_01I don't think that's what you're saying, but it's the drama thing. Yes, that's what it comes into. You feel like do you feel like your connection to Dez stays can stays tight even if it stays coherent, consistent.
SPEAKER_02We don't have moments where like either of us are like wondering what's the other person thinking? Why is she mad? Why, you know, like the drama's not there, like the level of drama in this relationship compared to past ones is like non-existent, and this that was this thing that clicked for me of like, okay, this could really actually work, you know what I mean? Gotcha. It's the drama. Like, yeah, I do like chaos too. Like, I love going um, you know, to my sister and brother's house, and the kids are going crazy. Like, I do like that kind of stuff too. Um, but the the chaos, the peace that I look for is is the peace in that like below the surface, we're good. Are the currents going in the same direction? Cool, man. Yes, okay. I get what you're saying. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01I get what you're saying. Cool, cool, cool. Okay, that makes a ton of sense. That's that's awesome. I'm so glad that that's what it feels like. Um, okay, so before we get out of here, not because we have to, but I gotta pick up that boy, actually. So, one other thing I wanted to ask you, my man, is um now that you're kind of in this different state, like with you know, your your partner, you have this potential kid on the way, you know what I mean. If you were to think about it, what's the part in you like just as a person? Like, you're like if you like because so for me, I'll give you this reference. When I knew that I was gonna be a dad, I was aware of stuff that I had been through that was really rough when I was young. I was really focused on not recreating that for huck. So I did a bunch of different things to try to almost prep myself for the new role and responsibility that I'd have. I I just wanted to be like, I want to bring my best self to this. And I knew that there just were skeletons in there. That's not everybody, but for me, I just had a feeling. I was like, I needed to do it. Um, and it was really, really helpful. Yeah. I'm always curious when I meet people that are coming into these are big roles. These are like kind of for a lot of people, these is like the biggest role you'll ever have. Like you are, I tell this all the time, you won't play you think it's hard running 100 miles. The highest stakes game on earth is making a human being. Yeah, period. Raising a person is the highest stakes game. Committing your life to serve, love, care for, see, validate, you know, encourage and support another human being as your partner is probably the second highest-tiered game you'll play. Yeah, in my view. I'm not saying that's the truth. That's just always how I've seen it. For you, um, as you're walking into these new bigger roles, is there anything in yourself that you're like, this is what I'm hoping I bring, and these are maybe a little bit of the like kind of the here's the part that I think I'm gonna bring that's good. Here's the part that I'm a little bit nervous about or feel like I may have to meet at some point down the road.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, this kind of like kind of goes back to that macro ADD thing we were talking about, and my struggles with consistency. So, like my hope is that I can show up and instill in him an excitement for life and an ability to embrace the chaos and the unknowns and to be okay with not knowing. You know what I mean? Like somehow be able to teach him like it's okay to not know everything, it's okay not to have the answers to life, the universe, and everything. You know what I mean? But at the same time, if I can somehow show him that while I'm working on my weaknesses, it's okay to have weaknesses and it's okay to struggle through that and just take your time and be graceful with yourself, you know. And I'm I'm hoping that I can like solve my own issues as the kid comes and and get better at the things I need to get better at, you know. So I don't know. I I probably when I think about like life when he arrives, um I think I'm relying on the fact that a lot of the innate sort of instincts will be there and I'll just sort of hopefully know what to do. I don't know, dude. Like I'm not like I didn't know. I'm with you, bro. I'm just laughing because like I remember thinking so much. I'm just winging it, bro. Yeah, I'm just winging it, I guess. Yeah, I mean it's all made up. Yeah, it's the tricky part. Yeah, it's all made up. So you know, hopefully, because he's my kid, like it'll vi it'll vibrite, you know. It'll be some work, but I don't know, man. I'll probably be calling you quite a bit. No, maybe calling you a bit more.
SPEAKER_01I don't think you'll need to, and I I honestly don't think that I necessarily have like my expertise is on Huck Lewis. Yeah, that's my expertise. Yeah, I don't have expertise on everything. And that's the cool part, is that um you will be an expert on the human being that you're given.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that's what I'm hoping. That's what I'm doing. You will be, you will be.
SPEAKER_01And I think you also just you you get the kid you need. Yeah, you always get the kid you need, even if they're super hard. You know, I think they wake you up to ways like you say, like, if I got a girl, she would be wrapped around my finger or whatever. And I'm like, nah, if you got a girl, it'd be the kid you need. And then you'd be like, Ooh, I have to work on. I mean, they're just no offense. I love my little boy, God bless him. I mean, he literally is he is the fucking man. But the reality is it's like the on average, the emotional intelligence, sensitivity, sophistication, relational skill set that's inside of a little girl tends to trump that of a little boy for quite some years. And if anything, it wakes you up to how sophisticated the kind of love and thoughtfulness and the tone of your voice and the way you relate and all these things, it it wakes you up, I think. Because even with my nieces, I notice I'm like, ooh. It's not because people are like, oh, they're they're you know, girls are more sensitive. No, they're more aware of what they feel, and they're more aware of what you're feeling. And that that just wakes you up to like, ooh, I ought to be careful. My little son is still, we live in poop joke central. We just live in poop joke central, and we have for a decade. Like, this kid, once you discovered a poop joke, we just live there, which I love. But that is like his brain is my son is very sweet, sweeter than me, and very sensitive. But it's the difference of the difficulty in articulating it and expressing it, the blah blah. Where with my nieces, it's the opposite, yeah, huge ability to emote, huge ability to understand, to perceive, to kind of go like something's different. Yeah, and they have that, they just had a more innate ability on average. I'm not saying this is not every kid, yeah. But I just think you get the kids you need. Yeah, I mean, they're just such, they're just like they're such teachers if you have the eyes to see. Doesn't mean you're not guiding them, but it's just like you said, you're working on stuff, and they're gonna be working on stuff. Yeah, and I just try to I've tried to rope my son into this collaborative idea that like we're gonna talk you and I, and we're gonna be in trust. And the way that works is when I blow it, I'm gonna be real about that. Right. And when you blow it, I'm gonna have grace for you, and we're gonna learn to see each other, hold space for that, and then we're gonna both learn to work hard to continue to improve that trust and that connection and our behavior together instead of like I'm the boss, I'm always right, don't fuck up. And if you do, the hammer's coming. Like, I just didn't want that for him. Yeah, so but you'll see, man. The kid you get is gonna do your own thing. We're gonna you're just gonna be on your own path. And what I hope the call is is dude, I did this and this and this, and you're just gonna experiment because the problem that's why they keep writing books about child rearing, because the kids are all different. It's like try to write one book, and it's like there are some comprehensive ideas that might be useful, but by and large, the tricky part is you and me are different. I guarantee you we were different kids. Yeah, whatever works for me, it can work for you, yeah, and vice versa. So when I meet my like my buddy Nate, my sister, uh my homie Ryan, like I just have a bunch of friends that have a broad, like large numbers of kids. They're like, that's the real mind fuck when you're all of a sudden like, oh shit. You're different. You tried that with your brother, worked getting busters, just fucking died with you. So I'm always like, I kind of feel like I'm a little bit in cheat mode where I'm like, I've got one boy. Yeah, so I just look good. People are like, Oh, you're killing him. Like, I've only got one. I could have another kid because I fucking hate him. You're gonna be like I was kidding, but I'm curious to know, and I always say this there's there's something going really well, you know. Um, and my buddy, I always gotta give him credit. My buddy Nate says this a lot. Um, but it's that there's something going well, there's something you're anxious about, and there's something that's tough. And so the whole thing is like if you were to name what right now is going well, if you're like this is going well, there's something I'm excited about. This is good, this is a good thing.
SPEAKER_02What would that be? Uh, I mean, the the journey with Desi and the pregnancy. I mean, it just feels like like we we got our I mean, we got our DNA stuff back. Okay. Low risk for all this stuff. Like, that was the most important thing for us was like, is it gonna be a healthy baby? Like, we got great news. She's finally coming out of that like sick all day, everyday thing. Cool, man, good. I mean that's rough. Yeah, like it's been the theme of the talk is kids and stuff, but I mean it like what's going well, it's it's that it's like life is is moving into this amazing phase that I'm just so excited about, you know. Um anxiety stuff, like it can be good or bad, just things that you're like, ah, this is kind of unresolved.
SPEAKER_01This part's in my head, it's lingering.
SPEAKER_02You know, I think uh one of the questions that's come up with Destiny is like, are we gonna like we don't go to church or anything like that, you know? But it's like when this kid arrives, like are we gonna should we do that? Should we have some sort of foundation, some regularity, and uh a faith that is you know, that we that we're okay with. And is that the right thing for the kid? And and so that's that's a little bit of anxiety because now with those talks, like I've been diving into like, well, we don't want to go back to the LDS church, and she's not like comfortable with Protestant stuff or whatever, so we're kind of talking about Eastern Orthodox and a few things, and I'm like, oh man, this is stressful. There's so much to learn and to figure out, and what's actually gonna be right, and like so there's there's all these like metaphysical unknowns that that are like holy crap, dude. It's stressful, it's tough, yeah. You know, sure. Yeah, I I'm just trying to take it all in stride and just we'll figure it out, we'll be okay, you know. Yeah, uh, but that might be the current thing that's a little bit like anxiety inducing. Plus, I'm getting ready to go help out and teach Academy with the fire fire farm itself. That's all right, let's go. Yeah, yeah. That'll be fun. Um, and then what was the last one? It was the last one is like what like is there something right now that's hard? Something that's heavy. You know, honestly, it's it's still just processing the loss of my sister and my dad. That's just an everyday it's tough. Yeah, it'll be okay.
SPEAKER_01I mean it's okay if it's okay if it's not. You know what I mean? Like I think I think that's the that's what I'm trying to say, which is I know we look out of people and like you are so capable of being warm and funny and easy, but like the people are walking around holding all this. Yeah, and I think the thing we forget about each other is is like, oh dude, I might be smiling, laughing, talking about the game, or some stupid clip from a movie or some whatever. Yeah, you know, but also there's this whole other thing going on inside me that I'm not talking about because most people don't have the space for it. Yeah, and most people want to pretend that that's not a part of the people we're sitting in rooms with in your life right now that you're like, you know, I just started trying this, or I've been doing whatever. Is there anything in your life that's new that you're like, oh man, this is kind of I've been geeking on this?
SPEAKER_02Uh like I, you know, we're talking about, you know, that church stuff. Like I've been so down the rabbit hole on like Eastern Orthodox things. Like, I'm like podcasts and debates, I'm listening to all this stuff. So that's like what I'm currently. It's like this blend of like, what do we want to do for a kid? Plus, like, that's my current like macro, is like, this is wild. Let me learn about this stuff, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh anything cool you heard there? Anything that's interesting or messing with you that like you specifically can think of?
SPEAKER_02What's really kind of messing with me is so growing up Mormon, the whole premise, and this is kind of a similar thing with just Protestant and Protestant teaching in yeah, I think in general, is that the idea is like there was the original church set up by Christ and the apostles back in the day, and at some point there was like this great apostasy, this like going away from original teachings. Sure. So then you get to the United States and the Reformation, and then and Mormonism blossoms out of that, and they're like, Oh, we're restoring that. We have apostles now, we've got prophets back on the earth. It's like this great restoration. What was never talked about, what I never learned, was that there's this church that's like we've never changed from the beginning. Like, we've been here doing the same thing from the start, and that's what the Eastern Orthodox claim anyway. So I'm like, Well, that's a wild claim. Let's learn more about that. You know, yeah. So, like, I don't know if we're gonna go become East Orthodox, but it's yeah, it's kind of wild to learn about it's a really deep world. Okay, it's so it's so deep, dude. I'm like, do I have to get a degree in theology to figure this out? Like, uh I think I'm just gonna fall back to like like what we've been talking about this whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Cap it off. It's like just love the people around you. Yeah, I think we're probably safe if we do that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I tend to agree, and I think at the end of the day, you know, you you guys are gonna set whatever vibe there is there. Yeah. And uh and I think that you should just trust yourself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, I don't think you're a person who's gonna end up down the road in a position where you vehemently oppose everybody who maybe doesn't think exactly as you do. I don't think that's gonna be your necessarily your path. But I think at the same time, like I would tell most people, like trust yourself. Yeah. If your gut or there's some part of your being that feels enlivened, enriched, made more beautiful, capable of loving better, and capable of seeing people more fairly. Like, trust that. If that feels good, trust that, you know. Yeah, I agree with that, man. Yeah, man. Well, dude, I just want you to I look forward to having you back on. Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, and also wanting you to hear me say, like, I so appreciate you being so vulnerable, talking so honestly about the stuff that's going on in your life. I think it's not everybody who could do it.
SPEAKER_02And I think no worries, man.
SPEAKER_01Um, it it's it's really interesting because it's the part you never see, right? We're both shitting, we know each other. Yeah. Yeah. But like I'll get DMs and messages and texts from people who are in similar spots, have undergone similar things or have had, you know. Common pains, common, even common excitement. Like, oh dude, I remember when I was gonna say that that was fucking sick to hear. I forgot, like me and my wife went through the same thing. And I just want you to know, like that's cool. We often don't realize how much our stories are can shared to help other people, and they can help them, but also too, like there's a shared uh there's a shared understanding, yeah. And that like is such a powerful thing to be able to bring, but it only works if people decide to just like shoot it fucking straight, good and bad.
SPEAKER_02So we're not walking a new path, yeah. You know, the pains we go through have been walked before, other people have felt it, you know.
SPEAKER_01So and it's good, but it's still that thing where like you know, James Baldwin always says that like we always think our pain is so singular, yeah, that what happens to us is like, oh, no one could understand. He goes, and then you read, right? Like that's the same idea, right? But then you discover that like and the hope is not that like anyone minimizes your unique pain by going, Oh, don't don't take it seriously, because you know, you're you're being whiny because other people have had it and they moved through. It's like, no, no, no. This is just so you know you're not alone. Yeah, you're not this single person that's out here holding and carrying all this and being like, oh, no one can no one can connect to you. That's tough. So I hope that that's what happens when I share this, is that there people show up to to acknowledge, like, yeah. Unfortunately, my friend, I too have have been through these kinds of waters before, and it it can be rough. But also, too, I hope that there's the same of like, mmm, you're also headed into some some lovely waters ahead, you know. So, anyways, man, thanks again as always, and thanks for bringing the the whiskey with me. Yeah, man, 100%. But um but love you, have you back on, man, and uh love you too, brother. Yeah, dude. It was it was really good to chat with you, dude. Always is the same, 100%, dude. Sweet. Yep.