It's Ok To Say That Was Alot

In this interview, Jason's friend Taylor shares her journey through mental health, athletic pursuits, and personal growth. Tap in to hear us talk about the gifts, curses, peaks, valleys, and deep self awareness found in competition, how what we think impacts how we live, that a good coach is often a good student, that dogs rule, and that when the time is right maybe we all need to start the hard journey of self discovery and reflection to find the life we truly can feel present and connected to. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So this is my friend Taylor. Hi. Um because uh I can't remember if it was the first time that you were gonna go to some kind of therapy, and I don't even know if it was talk therapy or otherwise. And I don't I don't know if we got into the full of it, but I remember you were either just starting it or had returned to it something like I was probably just starting. Just starting. Yeah. Okay. It was and you were nerve-wrecked a little bit about it. Why was that?

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Uh because I was the last one of my siblings to do it.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Okay. And had they like pressed you about it.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

We all knew we all needed to. Like, but it was just like tell me what she said, and I'll kind of take that as a secondary lesson for myself, you know. Um, it was just I I was just under a lot of change. And just holding it all, like was just like I think that was it. Like I told I I remember sitting down for the first time and I was like, I should be able to handle more. And she was like, I think you're at capacity though. And then I was like, Well, there's shame connected to that, right? Like, what do you mean? Like, there's people who have it harder that that hold it better. Like, why can't I hold this better? And so then then, like, you kind of list all the stuff and you're like, that is a lot. And just acknowledging, like, hey, it's okay, it's okay to actually say that that was a lot. And it's okay to say you also don't know how to hold it. Like, maybe nobody ever told you how to hold it.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Or the way they told you how to hold it, because you're holding it and not talking about it. That that's really weird. That's why you're exhausted. Because you're not there's no vent, you know. Or, or uh love of my life. My husband, he was the only place that was venting. So then our relationship because he loves me so much, he's like, Well, let me fix it. And I'm like, No, no, no, like you can't. And I realized like I'm saying this to you for the fifth or sixth time, and you're probably getting agitated. I'm saying the same thing. Uh but it was wearing on him, and that was what sent me to therapy was I was like, I refuse. I refuse to let my stuff be become his stuff or become a thing that he has to deal with. Um because I think kind of like what we were talking about in relationships before, that I I want to be with him, and I also have the responsibility of being an individual outside of our relationship. So whenever my stuff, the things that I'm not willing to look at or ask questions and get curious about are starting to affect this, I have to go back to what I said the person I said I wanted to be and what I wanted my marriage to be for. And it's my marriage is not just for me. So me constantly dumping on him and thinking somehow, like that was just letting a little bit of pressure off the situation, but it did nothing to solve it. So, so thinking that somehow that was okay, like that was self-serving for me to do. And that's not fair to him. And so, like, it was like, oh, like we got to a point where it was just like he did the best he could, but I also know like what he looks like whenever he's just like there's nothing I can do, and like kind of like when he hits his point where he's like, All right, and he just kind of uh metaphorically throws his hands up just like and I'm like, Oh, I did it to him again. But it's like it's a me thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

I would argue too, maybe, and you can clarify this. Do you feel like it's coming from that place of like I feel like I'm watching someone I love in suffering and I can do nothing about it? Like if you're bringing something to him over and over again, do you think some of that's coming from not from like the fatigue of like, oh, it's just like I just know you're undergoing like you're under this pressure, you're in this kind of suffering, whatever it is, whether it's stress or pain or heartbreak, and I can't there's nothing to do, so I just have to watch or hurt. Yeah, and that's that's tough. Okay, or is it something different?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Yeah, no, I mean, yes, I think that that's tough, but I think it's two things. I think, you know, my husband is 10 years older than me. So he's he's learned some lessons that I'm I'm walking through, he's already been there, and so it's just like, bro, like if you just listen a little bit, you know, like and I'm like, no, no, no, but for real, it's really this bad. He was like, it wouldn't be so bad if, you know. And then two, I think he does pride himself on, you know, being a provider and when whatever that means. And so if it's emotional support, encouragement, all these things that he's so good at, but in this one area, I why like I'm sure there was some frustration there, you know. And I've never really like asked him and dug into that, but I think that's a little bit of the frustration. Like it's he's he's way different than me, like in all in a lot of ways. Like, I think we we intersect on values, um, but how we deal with things are very different. And that we found that out in COVID. Like, I needed to move my body, like uh I deal with stress by being active. And for him, he needs to hold on, sit down, not move. Like, whenever I started to see it wasn't just me and the things I was thinking, but it was it was seeping out into other spaces. I was like, no, like this is this is where we have to draw the line.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

And so, and then when you did that, do you feel like one uh how long did you do it for? Are you still doing it? And then number two, do you feel like it was a benefit? Do you feel like it helped? And and if so, like what way?

SPEAKER_01 5:48

Yeah, I think it was more from the objective of I felt safe with the therapist, like I felt like I could talk about things and it was just like a place to process out loud and put place for her to ask questions, but it didn't come from someone who knows me too well. Like it it it wasn't personal, sure. The objective part, right? And then um I only went like four or five times, but it felt like just enough, and then um I know like uh there's probably like to destigmatize it, I need to say it for myself, whether other people feel like they're stigma or not. But I was also like, I was like, and I'm actually going to do some anti-anxiety anti-anxiety meds on top of that. Um and that was necessary, like absolutely necessary for me to just, and it felt like it was the first time I could exhale in a long time. I said, whenever I first started, um, it felt like my nose was just above the water. And then it was like, okay, I'm about chest level. And it was like I'm starting to see all of my problems from like a 10,000 foot view now, and it's just like, okay, like we know how to navigate that. Like this happens, okay. Like we know we can see it different. But it was just like I was so deep in the emotions and the worry and the fretting and honestly the grief at that time. Like, um, we don't have kids, we have dogs. And um, we had had these two dogs for 14 and 12 years and lost them both between in five months, we lost them both. And then we also decided stupidly to get a puppy in the midst of that.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

This will work. This will cure it. This will fix it.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

This is fine.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Something else to focus on.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

I cried every day for two weeks when we got him. Classic. I was like, ugh, like I called the breeder. I'm pretty sure the breeder was like, this puppy's definitely getting returned. He didn't, yeah, he's still with us. Um he is the love of our life, and he he was he was so necessary. Like he makes us laugh every single day. And anyone who follows me on Instagram, you're gonna see him more than you were gonna see anything fitness related. And I'm proud of it. Um, but yeah, and so it was just it was it was all of the things, and simultaneous to that, it was uh the second time I was dealing with fibroids and endometriosis and having another surgery, and it was just like, what is this? Like, talk about a shit storm. But here's me, like, I say all those things, freaking emotional roller coaster, and then yet I'm still walking into therapy going, why can't I handle more? And it's like, girl, like what else do you want to handle?

SPEAKER_00 8:38

Like long-term, a long-term illness, it's even worse. Like, I'm like, what could it be? Yeah, you know, like because tragedy. Yeah, you're like, what's the next thing you're yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

And so it's just like, what would that do for you though? Like at this point, like just to pile something else on top would mean what? Um, so yeah, she was just good to like help me kind of navigate and just uh honestly practice like speaking up a little bit. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Do you grow up like in a family? Do you come from a system, or is it like, you know, you're obviously extraordinarily athletic? Did you always grow up in athletics? And was that the pressure of like fuck how you feel, operate, execute, win, play? Because like I have friends that are pro athletes or were D1 athletes, and that gets pounded into them is like you need to because also like for them, right? You go, you forget that like you leave high school and like even there you feel pressure because of the status and the expectations. Then you go to college, you'll lose your scholarship. Then you make a pro, you'll drop the money. And all of a sudden, it's like all you've known since you were 13 was it doesn't matter what else is going on. You need to win, bro. And you need to handle whatever comes your way, and you step on that field and you play as hard as you can, even if you you have no ligaments in either knee. Stuff it down. Yeah. So I'm not saying that that is all that athletics gives a person. There's a million gifts in it, too, about learning oneself and what one's limits are and working as a team and striving and learning how to handle failure. There's so many rewards in sports. But one of the things about people that um are competitive and have competed as a part of their life, especially from like, you know, like most people, it ends around 15 or 16. Maybe you played through high school, but that really big drive for a lot of people does end before they're 20, you know? And so they they end up building different, they have different exposures which give them different inputs. And so it has its own gifts and curses. But for you, I'm like, you mentioned that earlier where you're like, oh, there was like some shame around it. And I'm like, where is that coming from? Is that like a childhood thing? Is that a personal thing, your own expectations you have of yourself? Is that something you were kind of drilled with, maybe in athletics or some other area of your life? Like, where did that mission of like you better be able to handle I don't you better be the first person on earth to able to do it all without ever asking for help or like ever needing to say like yeah?

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Um well for me it was like uh I didn't start sports until like I played some middle school stuff and then high school, but I was never like AAU ball or I tried, I wanted to one time. My mom was like, How much is that? No. So I was like, dang it. Um, but I think we were a high performing household though, you know. Like um my brother was first in his class, you know, being big brother, it was like now it's your turn. And I was like, I don't want to do that, you know. Um, I saw how hard he worked and how he came home and just kind of stayed in his room. And I was like, I like people though, and I like being outside with my animals. I like raised show lambs for FFA, and that was a happy place for me, you know, to be outside and do that. And I felt connected to, you know, uh I was born in Louisiana. Oh, in a way.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Yeah, and my brother lived in Baton Rouge forever. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Yeah. Uh we're from like little bitty towns, Deritter and Maryville on the border of you know, Louisiana and Texas. Okay. Um, my mom uh moved us to Texas whenever I was four. Um, so we grew up in Central Texas around Fort Hood Military Base, Harker Heights, Texas. And growing up, it was about good grades and like you do the thing. And then my mom's a my mom and my stepdad both are teachers, and so everybody knew who they were in the school district. And so uh it was it was tough like growing up, like, you know, I'm two years behind my brother, and every classroom that I walked in, it was like, oh, you're Eric Cooley's sister. And I was like, Yeah, but I'm also Taylor, you know. And so that that was like the expectations were already laid out for me before I could even explore do I do I want to be taking AP classes or like all of these. I'm like, I'm doing it because oh yeah, the GPA is the guiding light, you know. The c getting good getting into a good college is the guiding light. And then and it was like, well, then what? And then it was like, well, let's go to vet school because I would love, like, I've always animals have been my jam. Uh I discovered I'm less of just a general animal person. I'm strictly like a dog person. Okay. Um, don't do birds, hard pass on those. Uh cats, cats are rude.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

And so we thought it's gonna cause smoke. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. It is.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

Um, and then during college, um the first semester of not having basketball in my life was like, uh, I don't like this. Like, I I loved going to practice, I loved having that be a part of my routine. And and so uh I had my best friend at the time was roommates with one of the women's basketball managers, and I was like, introduce me, like I I need a job as well. And then I got involved with them for four years at Texas AM and was a women's basketball manager. Did I try and walk on twice? Yes, did it go well? No, still that's cool that you tried.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Yeah, I tried. Yeah, uh so cool to sit for those games, though.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

Yeah, oh my gosh. That that that experience was foundational into opening my eyes as far as what the world was. It was the first time I ever came to Seattle was with the women's basketball team. Okay, and I was like, oh, like there's more out there, like there's beauty and a city at the same time. Like, okay, I'll remember that. Um, and so um, yeah, and so that that led me to okay, like, am I going to be a coach now? Like every single day being in practice. And, you know, I got to work with uh Coach Schaefer. Um he is now the head coach at University of Texas, but more often than not, whenever practice started, I would help him with the post players on the other end of the floor and the intensity of that and just like the preparation four hours every single day of watching amazing athletes move. Just be up the grind. And then it's also like you get this group of like between the athletic trainers, the student trainers, the managers, the head coaches, the associate head coaches, some of the boosters, you get this tight group of like 35 people, 30 people, video coordinator, director of operations, like everybody's traveling around together.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

It's like a little family, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

And oh, we acted like a family too. And um, but for four years, your whole life, like you gave up holidays with families and stuff like that to go and do this thing. And then I was like, okay, am I gonna be a college coach? And I was like, I really don't like leaving my dog that much, you know. And I'm like, I really want to be at the house with the dog, you know. So I was like, well, maybe I'll be a teacher and I'll coach. And so then I did that for five, five years teaching and coaching, uh, always basketball, sometimes a secondary sport. And then after that, um uh I was like, let me let me pass off coaching, and like I tried to teach for two years, and then my husband, fiance at the time was like, You can let that go. And I was like, Thank you. And so then I went into full-time coaching and all of that stuff, and all of that to say, like, where did that pressure come from? It was just like it was the next thing. Like, what else are you going to achieve? Like, what else are you going to accomplish? And education was always like, you gotta get the education. So it was like everything about our lives was about how well we're doing in classes, sure, are we acting right? Like all of that stuff. And just like it just was like it just never felt like the there was time to slow down and relax. And some of that, you know, it was um at one point my mom kind of switched from whenever she had my little sister who's 10 years younger than me, um, she had her own bakery and catering company, but it operated out of her home.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

Wow. And sounds like a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

It was busy.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

And uh it was just like there'd be people like sometimes you'd wake up, and if she had a catering for a wedding or a change of command at the military base, sometimes you wake up and there's already four, five, six people in your house that oh, there's no worse hours than baker's hours.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

Yeah. They can start at 3 a.m. Yeah. It can be terrible.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

And you know, and I can't tell you how many times we ate stuffed mushrooms and pigs in a blanket for dinner, because like that's what was made, and everyone's like, That sounds amazing. It's like, no, it's not, not when it happens four days a week. You know, you wouldn't want to live in a pizza hut. Yeah. Um and it was just like the constant buzz, and like, so it it never felt like we could just decompress. And that was tough because her busiest time was on the weekends, whenever it's like when we every kid's like the weekend, and it's like, nope, they're still it's wild and crazy, you know. And I think that constant motion was kind of I can't like if I like oh sit still. Yeah, we're all sharks here. Like if we stop swimming, we die, like that kind of sensation. And so um, even to this day, it's hard for me to just, you know, step back a little bit. And uh I find it it doesn't matter what changes, I will, I will go all in w into like a thing, you know. So for a while for me, it was I was for a while it was full-time training uh for CrossFit and then uh full-time coach. And then whenever I moved up here to Seattle, it was like I didn't have to coach anymore. So it was like full-time athlete. And I don't think I mentally and emotionally was like at a place to maximize on my skill set. I think I got in my own way a lot. Um and it took a long time for me to feel like okay, I accomplished what I needed to accomplish. And for me, that changed into emotionally and and mentally being present in the workout instead of always like, oh gosh, like, yeah, three, two, one, go, it's exciting. Like, you know, you've got work to do, but I just it took me a long time to get centered in like there's more to me than this thing, you know. And I mean, as a master's athlete, nobody's making money off this thing, so you better be doing it for fun and because it's something you really do value and and adds value to your life. But I think whenever you're operating off of a uh a shaky basis of your why, like a lot of people call it your why. But I think you know, for me, during COVID, I went through a process called mayhem mindset, and that was connected with CrossFit Mayhem, and randomly, like I was uh working out at Industrious in Seattle. Oh, yeah, and I was talking to a guy, and I I was really at a point where uh I was going to a regional in Argentina and I was just like, okay, and you know, or may it might have been maybe after I already shit the bed there. Like mentally, I just had a horrible performance, so it was probably after, and just made mistakes that should not have happened. And uh talking to a guy, I was like, Yeah, I've been looking at this like sports psychologist, maybe start working with, or I've been thinking about me in mindset. And he goes, Oh yeah, he goes, I know him, I date his daughter, and I was like, No, you don't. He goes, he's coming in town this weekend. And I was like, What? And he was like, Yeah, we you can meet him. I was like, No, no, no, I don't know, like just give me his email, you know. And so I went through that whole process and it was it was amazing for me. And um honestly, like I was shocked to be able to, you know, be able to coach that process for a lot of people, but it was really a process of narrowing down language and developing language for it's grammatically incorrect, but who I be, like who who who am I actually versus what I'm doing?

SPEAKER_05 20:35

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 20:36

And so, and then we really define like purpose words for our life.

SPEAKER_05 20:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

And you know, I think whenever I first heard about you launching the podcast, I was like, oh, like he's like, How are we all doing this? And it's like, oh, he's really just asking, like, how are we living our values? Yeah, like how how exactly, how are you keeping that relevant day to day to day and making that real, not just something you say?

SPEAKER_05 20:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

And I think that that that course, we all basically ended up writing a code at the end of it for our lives. And, you know, to to get our three purpose words lined out, and then our 10 10 values that we carry with us, and we've got some that are for strengths in our lives, like these are our bedrocks, these don't change for us, things that are our weaknesses, things that um are our want values, like we're aiming towards that. If I had that in my life, man, I'd be firing all on all cylinders, you know. And so um I think I'm not really sure how it worked to that, but um, I think having that framework, yeah, but then realizing oh, there's still some emotional stuff there.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

Yeah, like and yeah, it's very complex. There's so many things. But it sounded like that layer needed to get addressed. Yes. And so it was like, hey, I I don't have the mental layer. If you don't have like what you talked about, is you define Maybe oversimplified is the why, but like that, those other nuances of like those values and blah blah people you know you gotta find a way to get those set up for yourself. Yeah, and it sounds like this was a really big step in that. It was huge for me.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Yeah, because going back to what we talked about with your sister, how she was like, Hey, that's not real. She's actually practicing a tool that we talk about. Like, are you feeling or thinking? Right. And and it's not bad to feel, but we can't just stay there. And so, how do we get to thinking about how we want to operate here so that we are that way we're operating in alignment, you know? 100% and going through it. So for me, it was like, okay, first we we have to even know like where we're operating from, and then the emotional things will happen because I'm human and those things are going to arise daily, you know. Like, even like this past week, it's like, oh, I've been feeling a little low level of grief. And it's just like, okay, that's there. Like, how are we? What is that? Get curious about that. That's one of my values. Get curious about that. What does that mean? What does that look like?

SPEAKER_00 23:07

A hundred percent, you know, and that that like I think that that's such a big step. I feel like for some people, that is like the step that a lot of people are, I think, and and rightfully so. I'm not trying to minimize or like ridicule anyone for it, but it is that step of having a emotion which we would often define as negative and not trying to run from it, trying to be curious about it is such a massive step. I think for a lot of people you have a feeling that's like this is so fucking yucky, and I would love to find a way to not feel it and just move on. And I get it, I get the pressures to do it, and I get where at times maybe you you might have to for a moment, but as a constant where it is a a sneaky kind of avoidance that actually, and I find this more with emotions than thoughts, um, tends to pile up. You know, it's like it's like you know, that dirty laundry when it's just a shirt and a pair of pants, it doesn't smell that bad. But all of a sudden, when it's like two weeks of dirty underwear on top of it, too, all of a sudden you're like, it is not, there's a lot of fallout from that. So I do think it's a cool, it's cool that you have this awareness and you're doing the curiosity. What's that look like for you in terms of like when you're like, okay, get curious about it. What's that look like for you? Is it just sitting and trying to see what comes up for you in the moment? Or what is the or do you start trying to think through whatever it is that's causing it? If you can talk about it, I'm just curious to know what that's like.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Yeah, I mean I think it's probably just asking myself why over and over again a little bit. Like, why why is this a thing? Why is that important to you? What do you maybe even like what do you feel like you're losing? Like, do you feel like you're losing something?

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Um it's a really high level of thinking, just so you know. Like, I I always think that like one of the greatest signs of intelligence isn't just um to be able to know that you're thinking, it's kind of hard to explain. It's like to know that you're thinking that you're thinking. So it's like there's as I always feel there's like the often people, the easy way to describe it is like you have this thing, which is like thinking and freaking out and feeling, and then you have the watcher that's like, I'm freaking out. Yeah, I'm thinking about this so much. Yeah, this thing is always kind of still, yeah. They're both you, yeah. It's just one of the odd um structures of consciousness that like some minds don't have it, which is really interesting. Yeah, um, so he meets me up and they're like, nah, like I mean my buddy Grant joke about this guy, we know, and he is so capable of living in the moment that there's costs and gifts to that, which we love that about it. He's so funny. He's like, nah, man, I'm just gonna cruise my bike on down to Mexico. I'm like, cool to do what? He's like, just gonna build houses for poor folks. I'm like, awesome. Like, you know, anyone done that? Nope. Nope. So you guys, and you're like, God, and it looks like he finds his way, but he's never going, you know, I should analyze these thoughts or this impulse or what I'm doing, or make a plan, or have some, and then and this by that same token, I'm I'm much more cerebral, so I'm having all the consequences of that, which is overthinking and high levels of anxiety and all the tricks you can play when you have that second uh portion of your mind that allows you to ignore the other part. Where if he was upset, he can't do anything but be upset, and if he's happy, he can do nothing but be happy, where I'm able to like outplay myself a little bit, and then it's like well, there's some consequences to that. So I'm curious because it's really a high level of thinking just to be like, I know I have something I need to address, I can feel it, and unfortunately, it's not as the fullness of it is not as apparent, and I have to take a moment to try to dig a little bit deeper.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

And I think that comes from for so long running from the feeling that you get you, you everyone we can feel the knock, right? And I think for so long uh for me, CrossFit was a great distraction. I and I think there's a lot of people like in the competitive space, like everyone's asking, Am I enough? Like by nature, like we can quantify if you are, right?

SPEAKER_05 27:24

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

In that regard, right? Um, but I think people are actually asking me as a person, like, am I okay if I don't achieve this? And I think there's a lot of people that aren't because the groundwork's not been laid, like they don't really know who they are outside of that. And not saying that every competitor is guilty of this, you know. Um, but I think for me, like that that awareness was like, I I stuffed it down for a long, long time. And for me, I I got things wrong with fitness because, like, mind you, like, so my kind of what feels like my origin story of why I even like care about fitness outside of like first, yeah, basketball was cool. Whenever I was 15, my dad had a heart attack. I was the only one around. And had I not been around, and oddly enough, a Pentecostal party at the bed and breakfast he was staying at been there too. It was crazy. It was the most it was nuts. And so, like, he wouldn't have survived. Like, when somebody in the party had a nitroglycerin tab. No way, popped in one in his mouth, and then I think Sister Hazel followed us to the emergency room. My family lived six, like his his mom, like his parents, my grandparents lived six hours in Louisiana away from us in central Texas. My mom had a catering job about 45 minutes north, I believe. And then my brother, the reason why he came in town was because my brother had a concert as well. So everybody was everywhere. And that was just like this moment of like, oh no, like it's just me and him. And um, to sit there and see how sick he was. Like, he asked me, like, hey babe, can you go get Miss So and so from the kitchen area? And I was like, What are you talking about? I was like, Dad, I got my permit. Like, I can go to the gas station, you need me to get you some aspirin, because my brain's just not thinking. Like, like he takes aspirin sometimes, you know. And so I was like, Yeah, I think my dad needs help. And I go back in there and he's laid out on the bed, he's twitching his hands, eyes are rolling back, paler than still to this day. I've never seen someone that pale.

SPEAKER_03 29:31

That's what it looks like.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

And um this older man came in with his nitro tabs, popped one in, and like ambulance came shortly after, all these things. But to see someone like that's my dad, like he was strong, like my dad was always like he always struggled with his weight, but like still a strong dude. And that was like, oh and I think like being strong was my connection to him. And I felt like if I could show him how strong I was, he would remember how strong he was, and he would maybe start making some life changes. And that didn't happen. And then he died, and then I failed. That's what it that that was the story. That was the story.

unknown 30:18

That's a rough story.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Rough story, like that's a big that's way too big of a story. That's a shitty narrative. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:25

How old were you when you think you really held that central to like this is my this is my arc, this is my story.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

That I was aware that it happened.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

When do you think you were living it? Even if you weren't aware of it, you were like, I was definitely this was definitely a factor in why I was doing anything I was doing. Oh that wasn't fitness related.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

That was for sure, like for sure after I stopped teaching and went full-time CrossFit coach, full-time athlete as well. Cause I was just like, I don't like that feeling. Like, we're just gonna keep doing this thing. And like he's not here to tell me, but I think if I keep doing this really well, like he would be proud. Right?

SPEAKER_00 31:09

When I would argue if he was your dad, he'd talk about he was.

SPEAKER_01 31:14

Yeah, but it's a weird it's a weird story we tell ourselves, right? It's tough. And so it's like I had this weird little savior complex that like I can save my dad.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

Yeah, but I mean that's what kids will do. That's what kids will do. I mean, because you just love him and you wanna you want, especially when you've seen your parent suffer something scary like that. Yeah, but all you know is, and it's a a deeply lovely trait in children, but it it can be precarious when it's walked out beyond the years of response. Like it's an innocent thing, maybe. It's still a pressure, probably shouldn't be there, but it's normal. I would go, oh, you're you're 18, you're 19, you're 20, you're like you're still very young. You're wanting to, you know, save your dad. But as you walk out into your later life, like if you're still holding that, oh yeah, such a it get that load gets heavier.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

And then it was a little bit too of just like the natural thing, like I just want to be worthy of his attention, right? Like, I just want us to have the thing in common, right? And I I took that, didn't process it, and then put that on my coach. So then it made everything my coach said or didn't say, like, made or broke my day every time, right? And so, like, this is how crazy I got it wrong.

SPEAKER_00 32:39

He was playing an existential game that had nothing to do with working out and everything to do with he's like, pick up the barbell.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

And I'm like, why do you want me to pick up the barbell? He's like, it's a it's a five-minute workout. Like, why why are we crying now? Like, I don't get it. Like, I put so much on that man that he didn't need, like, he didn't deserve that, right? Yeah, and it's the same thing I think.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

If you you can't do better too, so it's like it's also not your fault because you're like you're not aware that what's at work already.

SPEAKER_01 33:04

No, not yet. Not yet. And so I was, I was, you know, I don't I'm assuming everybody looks for validation and they figure out like if you're a human being, yeah, yeah. And it's just like I think we've all like, oh, that was the wrong place to look for it, you know. Totally. And it like you kind of got to touch.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

Oh, you do it with people do it with money, with their physique, with their appearance, with the place they live, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, the friends they keep, their partners, their like I mean, you name it. Yeah, that's they're human beings can't help it. So yeah, it's a part of life, and knowing it is your greatest weapon to not letting it lead you.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

And I I didn't know I didn't know how bad it got until I had a friend that uh we actually used to train together in Houston. She moved to Australia, I was still in Houston, and then we moved to Seattle at the same time. And there was one day I blah, hot mess, all because I did the workout wrong or something like that. And then I was worried about what my coach would or wouldn't say. And she was like, You you hey hey, you need to stop working with him. And it was nothing to do with him, but it was with me. And I had to like, oh, I think you're right. Like this is this is weird, this is off, like, and it's just a me thing. So I had to sit in that for a little bit and and try and get realigned. And then that kind of led me to the mayhem mindset process and like figure out who I was and who I said I'm I'm supposed to be. Not not who's the person my dad, I think my dad would be proud of, who's who's the uh, you know, the straight A student, who's who's, you know, getting the certain degree at the certain college, like those types of things, like those are checklist items that are great. There's nothing wrong with those goals, but you're more than that.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

100%.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

Um, and so to be able to to be like, pause, let that relationship go because I'm not right. Cool. Figure out, do the homework, put words to it. Because if we can't, if we can't describe it, we can't live it.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

Mr. Rogers, if it's mentionable, then it's manageable. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

Yep. And so it's like, all right. Yeah, I I have words now, you know, and I have things that I can aim at that are tangible and definable by me, but they're not like the goalpost isn't always moving. I know what the goalpost is now, you know? And and then the beautiful thing I couldn't couldn't change things with my dad. But after some time apart, my coach and I came back together, and it was the most beautiful redemptive thing. It was like we both grew up in the in the separation, came back together, which normally I don't know that I give a lot of people second chances, but this one felt necessary and right. And the communication was so much clearer, amazing, whenever you're not constantly feeling, but you can think through things and say, Hey, I need this, hey, that felt weird to me. What does this mean? Those kinds of things, and just have the actual conversations. And for me, the pinnacle moment, even though you know, in the grand scheme of CrossFit, I just I went to a comp in Indi India Indiana and I ended up getting a third, you know, on the podium. And it wasn't it wasn't even about the podium experience, it was like the cherry on top because I had laid the groundwork for knowing who I was in spite of the results. I was so present in every single workout I've never experienced, probably like I would even argue since then. Like I was just like, you know, it just it means something different to me now. But it was like the focus and the presence that I had in all of those workouts and the clarity, but then it was like the repair and the redemption of being in that relationship again with my coach. It was just like this is what it feels like to be in flow, you know. We talk about that with athletes all the time that they kind of zone out, and it's just like it's a it is a work of art whenever you see someone in flow.

SPEAKER_05 37:26

100%.

SPEAKER_01 37:27

And I was like, I don't care that it's just like a random competition for for all the old people, the masters, you know, in the in the Midwest. Like it was like if that's all I ever do with my CrossFit career, that's fine. Like that felt like your masterpiece. That felt like my my sisyphus moment, yeah, right? Of just like it doesn't matter because like I got more out of the journey to that, yeah. And it was really cool. I'm actually really like I'm stoked about third place, and most people wouldn't be, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

And so I think it's it's a it's really cool to hear that. I think because I think it's so challenging to be obviously such a capable person and a competitive person, and then to be able to, it's an art to be able to hold both those things. Like, I think I talk to people a lot, and well, me and my my buddy Nate, we always joke about this that like you want to be Kobe, you don't want to be Jordan. You know what I mean? Like, God bless Michael Jordan, my all-time fave. But like, can't do anything without competition. It's taking him maybe now when he's like in his late 60s, yeah, to finally like back that edge off. But I'll never forget hearing a story of him on a plane. Someone, one of his buddies talks garbage. He he's really good at crosswords, and Jordan has them emergency land the plane and go to the store and buy two of the same crossword books, and then they do it, and then he beats him four times. Or he's like, Don't ever say that you could beat me in the ball. Like just possessed, yeah, by and so much. I think not just but whatever story he had is too much. Yeah. Too much. And Cob has such a different story, which I always loved, which was like he's having a couple seasons where he wasn't doing that good. And he went to a sports psychologist, and they came up with this whole idea of him building this ulcer ego called the Black Mamba. And that very next game, he had 62, and then like a couple, whatever he had, that 81, like just unreal. And he said it was the thing I needed, which was to separate my sense of self from what I do on a basketball court. Otherwise, I have to hold inside me and my sense of deeper value to whether I got 62 or I got 25 and we lost. And that means every day I'm it's a roller coaster. I can't show up consistently for my kids, my partner, blah blah, whatever. And he's like, But once I kind of put it, and everyone has their mechanism, but like once he's like, once I could put it in this alter ego that was like, when I step on the court, I'm the black mama. I'm just here to like kill everybody, and that's it. And I can use and leverage all my talent, my ability, focus, and stay present because this lets me use that. But the black mama doesn't get personal, it's just a killer. It's not a I'm not having a bunch of feels, I'm just executing. And then when I step off the court, I can see my girls and be like, I'm a I'm just Cove, I'm just a regular guy. Yeah, and I can back off and go, Oh, it doesn't really matter whether I score, whether we won or lost. Right. This role is about the fact that I have the privilege of being your dad. Yeah, I have the whatever of being these people's friends or partner, whatever. And I'm not saying that's the ultimate way, but recognizing that one person had figured out whatever they needed to to show up in this one area of their life and be present that uses this set of skills, and then show up in this area of life that uses these other ones and go, sometimes these things they don't always mix. It's hard to know how to untangle that. Right. And I don't know a lot of people would do that work. So it's really impressive to hear because I think that really is the work is how do we untangle ourselves from outcomes, which is so hard to do when your whole life outcomes matter. Like I think about this in my kid, and I was I always like I hated it. I'm like, I know him to be so valuable, separate of anything he accomplishes. And yet, so many of the future opportunities and what he'll get to be a part of, and blah, blah, and all these things. It is tied to how you perform. So there is a part of us that has to connect with that in a real way, even if it's not athletically. Yeah, and in the same way, we also have to find a way to hold our own sense of value. I struggle with it, and it's really cool to hear that the journey has walked you to this place where you got to go into this like space that historically is tumultuous, probably has some highs, has some lows, yeah, and it's hard to navigate. And then you're like, and I left that. And for once, I probably not only gave a performance that I was proud of, but I was profound proud of the way that I performed, the way that I competed, unlike any other time. And talk about sustainability, that sounds far more sustainable. And also, I don't know for sure, but I would think even your whatever the long-term trajectory is of your ability to perform and execute must be better just by the sheer force that you're walking out of that experience. Like, that was a fucking blast. That meant the world to me. Then versus like, that was horrible. Yeah, I want to like drown myself. Good luck getting better. I mean, like, that's so hard to feel that you have to climb out of that hole to get back to whatever, and you might not even know what you're what buttons you're supposed to push on because you weren't present in it, or other things were distracting you. And so you like you can't even even the ones that didn't go good. Like, how are you supposed to learn from that? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

It was a weird space to be in because I remember being in the corral at one point, and I could hear, I knew, I knew the type of workout. I think it was one of the most brilliant workouts I've ever done in a competition where it was like um we had calories on a bike, we had it was like maybe nine. Then we had to do like six bar muscle ups, and then we had to snatch, and we got to choose the weight on the snatch.

SPEAKER_00 42:49

Okay. Um like a top single or something, or a complex?

SPEAKER_01 42:52

We had to we had to snatch it three times.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

So not a complex three full snatch, just a triple.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

You had to hit the weight three times in order to log a score of the weight.

SPEAKER_00 43:01

And how many attempts? How much time?

SPEAKER_01 43:03

You could only get four attempts. So it was like maybe it was like two minutes on, one minute off.

SPEAKER_00 43:07

Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Yeah. And we did it like four times. I don't think we did it five times. I think it was like four times.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

It's a 12-minute, kind of a 12-minute deal.

SPEAKER_01 43:15

So it's like, you know, lock, load, reset, lock, load, go again. But your score was the weight you lifted. So the the bike and the bar musclips was just the free, like just a little pre-fatigue, but let's go see if you can repeat.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

And I remember hearing people, they were swinging for the fences and they were failing. And so they were getting zeros. And I felt so calm. I felt so calm in the corral. And I was almost nervous that, like, oh man. I'm not turned on. Yeah. I'm not tuned in right now. I'm not locked in. I'm like, uh, but we should probably, you know, because usually I'm racing and sweating and panicking and like all these other things. And I was just like, I knew exactly how I was gonna do. And and I ended up. Winning that workout. And I remember like a lot of people from the gym happen to go compete there as well. And they're all at the in and they're like screaming at me. And it was like, I I I got this. Like they're not going to be able to do it. I appreciate it, but it's like weird to be in that space because for so long, everything I needed was external. Everything from my coach made or broke my day, right? That's an external stimulus, right? Um, the first time my husband saw me work out at Invictus, and I had been working out with Sherry Ann and Kevin, and you know, it was like different vibes. And Pat was there, and like, these are big dogs who have done the thing at the games, won the games, you know. And but I had done some, you know, the Mahum Mindset process and got real clear on things. And he was cheering me on, like, come on, babe. And it's just it's just a training day. It's not, and he's like barking at me, and it was like, oh shoot, I used to need this. And it was like after we got done, I go, hey babe, I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

But I was like, He's just trying to be a good dude. Yeah. He's just trying to hold you down. But you do learn before that was the job.

SPEAKER_01 45:05

And I was like, I was like, uh, I'm actually good now. And I was like, it was like a moment of like that was a it almost, but I knew it's hard about it. It almost got annoying.

SPEAKER_00 45:16

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

Because it was like, yo, let me focus. Like, but so all of my my crew, my training partners that were waiting at the end of the lane, they're going. And it was like they were they were nervous for me, but I knew exactly when I was gonna hit the weight. I had the confidence to hit the weight. I ended up winning the event, and it was like cool for me because it was like very clear, very present.

SPEAKER_00 45:39

You were in your own fucking lane, but yeah, it was one of those things.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

But like what kept me in that lane for the whole weekend was for me, we had done work to define language for like performance identity. So you're like, uh, Kobe needed black mamba, like alter ego. And for me, it was more of like, who am I being whenever I step into this performance mode? And what are my guiding lights? And for me, it was gratitude, grace, and grit. So, gratitude, like this thing has been taken from me before. Like, I have been in moments due to surgeries and those types of things where I don't get to do this. So, like, let's just remember like this isn't an always this is a remarkable opportunity.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:22

Like, how cool is this that we're doing it? Okay, cool. Grace for me meant how well am I doing. So now I'm in my body, like they kind of build on each other, right? How am I being graceful with how I'm cycling weight, how I'm doing gymnastics, all of those things. And then kind of like what we talk about the want value grit. I didn't always have the ability to push. When push came to shove, I got shoved, you know? And so it was like, okay, check, check, gratitude, grace, let's let's F and go. Like, let's let's see what happens, like open up, go for it, swing for the fences, like be willing to risk failing to see what you're actually capable of. And so it was like that was the focus versus okay, like I'm neck and neck with this person, uh, like they're in the lane next to me. I gotta beat them. And like, I was a little bit too much in my own world because there was a lady next to me that I didn't know we were tied. Like, I'm so just hey, I'm just here to perform and be practice really being present this weekend. And uh my dumb self didn't realize that they were putting us in the lanes according to our placing. So if you're in lane number three, you're third place. If you're lane number four, you're fourth place. And so I'm like, oh, like for real, like I'm like, she's the one coming for me. Like, you know, and it was just like, and so it was like one of those situations, like legless rope climbs scare the mess out of me, whatever. And she's really short, whatever. We get to the last bar, we have maybe thrusters, her cycle rate's fast. I basically like catch her, maybe she like beat me by one, and she's like four ten on a good day. And it's it was just like one of those things where it was just like I was a little bit too present with myself and didn't know to get my eyes up, but it was so different from like my eyes were always scanning the field elsewhere, and I couldn't be present before. So, anyway, that was my growth, my so cool trajectory there.

SPEAKER_00 48:14

Yeah, it feels like you're just like even now, maybe even if you were to say, like, oh, I swung too far this way. It's whatever though, because that's the step that needed to be taken, and you'll you'll find your whatever that that balance point is for you, you know what I mean? And also, like knowing that, like, you know, I tell Huck this all the time because he is such as he just had his state basketball tournament and he went and he played great. The boys all played good, but they had some tough losses, and they had they had a win, but they had some close games, but there were some bad ones. And one game he just he kind of made every mistake, like just something that's really uncharacteristic for him. Like, he never travels, he's got a really good handle, and he traveled three times in that game, and he just was like in tears, just gutted on the sideline. He didn't like you know, just gasping, and I like went over and gave him a hug. And and it's always such a hard thing to get him to realize, but like I do tell him all the time, that's something I borrow from this guy named Ryan Holiday, but he just always says, like, you know, you don't control. I go, Do you control whether you win or lose? He's like, No, like, do you control whether the rest's called fair? I go, No, do you control whether you're gonna blah blah blah? He's like, No, I go, what is the only thing you can control? And he's like, How I play? So put your focus there, dude. Play the way that you would enjoy playing that you would enjoy. And if it works out in such a way that you win, killer. If it doesn't, like, you know what your job is. How do you want to play that? And and it's it's tough because you know, and I know that even for myself in the various things that I do and care about. We are always gonna have expectations for ourselves. Yeah, no matter what's gonna happen, you're gonna always have them. And the question is, and I think it's such a cool thing to hear, like, you know what? Yes, it would be awesome to come in first place, and I'm certainly going to do everything within my power to obtain that, but I'm not willing, it sounds like anymore, to get there if what it would require is for me to do all this other harm to myself, to place these other people in these positions of stress, to not be able to feel connected to this experience, which I clearly feel so excited to be a part of. Like I'm losing even when I think I'm gaining them, you know.

SPEAKER_01 50:21

I'm not willing to leave my whole self behind anymore. Like, I gotta take all of me with me, you know. And it's just like life is too short to like honestly like to stress out that much about a workout. It can be important and we can improve and we can go back to the drawing board and we can do those things again. And sometimes we get do-overs and sometimes we don't. But that the end of the day, like I cannot lose sleep over this anymore, you know? And it's uh it's been a very interesting thing to like I've for gosh the past year and a half now, I've been out of competition, and it's like I I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna do it again, you know, and like oh, that used to that used to matter so much to me.

SPEAKER_00 51:05

Like it like a life without a competition was a bad deal.

SPEAKER_01 51:08

Like it was just like, what are we doing here? Like what you know.

SPEAKER_00 51:11

What do you think is taking that spot?

SPEAKER_01 51:13

I am so fulfilled right now. I I am so in purpose right now with coaching.

SPEAKER_00 51:20

Okay. Like so this is kind of there's a different thing then that's kind of speaking to you. Oh. And it's coaching people. Coaching. Is it like private coaching, class coaching, or all forms?

SPEAKER_01 51:30

All of it. It's everything all at once right now. Um, I'm doing classes. I this is the largest scope of people I've ever coached in my life, and it is the coolest thing. And it's it's it's just like, huh. Huh. Like and it naturally makes you like, is this leading to something? Um, do or do I need to specialize? Like, do I need to start saying no? Wait a minute, I get the I'm I'm so busy, I maybe have the opportunity to say no now. Like, but I'm I'm literally coaching people from ages 12 to 82. And it is it is the wildest roller coaster. Like, every day is different. Oh, sure. Every need is different, every ability is different. Um, you know, I've got people like okay, like one of my favorite clients like happens to have Down syndrome, and it's like the biggest blessing to my life. And it's just every like every day I get to work with her, like, golly, I swear my heart grows three times, you know. And I never thought I would work with so many prenatal or postpartum. That has been a blessing in a learning journey. Um, I coach the strong for life class, and so it could be people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:46

Yeah. My mom did that for a while. It's so helpful for her. She needs to go back, but yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:50

They're rock stars, man.

SPEAKER_00 52:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:51

And it's it's uh, it can be a challenge just because you know, anybody from the ages 50 to 80, but we also have people like somebody postpartum, she's not ready for a CrossFit class. I was like, girl, get in here, come with us, you know? And it's just it's it's a really cool spot. And so I think like my cup is so full. Um, I'm having to learn boundaries to keep myself not from being burnt out, you know. And it's like, oh, like I'm not saying no to be mean, I'm saying no, so like I can keep serving.

SPEAKER_00 53:24

Yeah, I mean, in a way too, where like it is like a snowball building. Or you know, like you want you want that momentum to stay. And if yeah, if you all of a sudden you're like, oh, it's so great, and then you run too hot, you're like kind of like uh you're like I hit everyone, and I hit everyone else in your life. Oh my god, yeah. Yeah, and also it sounds like the way you coach, and I'd be interested to hear what you think. Do you feel like you're are you your coaching, it sounds like also from a more comprehensive place than just like here's the workout, here's the sets and the reps. 100%. I think there's probably my my guess would be there's like some mindset stuff, some like common stuff, some larger awareness things about trying to get people to see both themselves and their ability and what the tasks are different. I would imagine it's probably a more comprehensive way of coaching than just all right, slower body, you've got squads, blah, blah, blah. Let's just move through it and then you're gone.

SPEAKER_01 54:17

Like, my my to me, like it can't be that cut and dry. Like for for me, and this is I know I keep talking about values and these words, but it's like literally the things that keeps me focused. So even on the days where maybe I am toe in the line of being a little burnt out, and I'm just like, okay, guys, yeah, I've had a quad shot and it's not working this morning, so boot and rally, you know. Um, but for me, purpose words for my life, and and I've seen this in all the different jobs that I've had, like I always found myself coaching and teaching, like always, uh, nutrition coaching needing, uh, like coaching people on their values, like what like that's even a job. Um and I would find whenever I didn't have like so whenever I wasn't getting paid for it, right? The the the compulsion, even my training partners, where I'm like, oh, I don't want to step on toes, but like I could help them with their barbell movement. I started noticing like it it just like I was always wanting to help and coach and whatever, but the the tools, I guess, like the the values that made me a coach were uh to be voracious, a connector, and a guide. And so voracious meaning tell the truth, connect, like hey, like on a heart level, and then a guide, like, and I've messed this up, I've messed up each one of these components over and over. But when I do those right, I'm I'm really in a sense of flow whenever it comes to purpose, and that's coaching people or teaching something. And with each one of those, there's a responsibility to develop a skill set of those things, right? I have to develop my skill set and how I tell the truth to people. I can't just I can't, because it's this this knack that I have or like this draw that I have, I could never just like read a whiteboard and be like, go do it. I'd be like, oh, I can tell she's not feeling confident with a barbell. And instantly I'm like, we gonna get her confident. You know, it's there's nothing greater to me to all of a sudden like to change someone's view of themselves, of what they they thought they were capable of, only this, but then like you just you just take them one step forward. Like you don't make big leaps with them, but all of a sudden you're like, I see you.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

And like and it's crazy how probably I mean, I just find this with humans that like when you can get them within run right step, I bet it compounds. All of a sudden they start kind of walking out on their own, you know what I mean? And then you're kind of like, look at that, it's just always so cool. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 56:52

That's amazing. So, like for me, it's it's how do I weave person to person, telling them the tr the truth, making sure I'm still connected with them. That like we get we don't gotta be buddy buddy, we don't have to agree on anything, right? But do we have a mutual respect at least? You know, are they open to what I'm saying? Right? Are they coachable? That'll be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 57:15

Because otherwise, why would yes? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:16

Like, why are they here? Yeah, um, and then um guide is like I've been guilty. Like, whenever I used to coach high school sports, I thought I knew everything. Sure. You know, I was like, get on the line, like that kind of thing. Bro, it's it's 7 a.m. Like, why are we why are these kids sprinting suicides? Like they've got math class next. Like, calm down, calm down. Um, and so it's like more of like shoulder to shoulder, like, hey, we're in this together. Okay, that didn't go well, did it? I probably said that wrong. That was actually on me. Okay. Um, here's what I need from you. This is how I'm gonna try it. Let's try this. Did that work? Did it feel better? Same better or worse, right? And so it's it's a truly a conversation and trying to hone the craft of like staying human-centric and all of this. And I feel like coaches who do it well, like it is it is expensive when it comes to mental and emotional energy that we give out. And but to do it right, like that's that's that's the price. Like that it is it's gonna take what it's gonna take. Like, that's that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 58:17

But you're also just enabling human transformation. I mean, that's what the game is. So, like, it's one of those unique things that I I mean, we do I always jump in on my buddy's stuff, um, and he does things with a bunch of at-risky boys from previously incarcerated young men. And I just love them. They're rad, they're just like the fucking coolest. But the whole thing is like anything, everybody, myself included, just has areas to grow. Yeah, things that they think about themselves or about the world or about whatever their potential might be that is not really accurate. And as a result, they suffer the consequences of those illusions or you know, negative beliefs or things that just are not really there to serve them. Yeah. And uh, while a very different environment, it's always cool for the little bit that we get to inspire, connect, and um also just affirm their value and potential and ability, and to watch how as that self-belief uh continues to expand within them, their potential and their ability. I mean, what you could always see is so great. It's so cool to watch it walk forward. And I think what it sounds like what you do with coaching is like enabling that kind of transformation. Like it's cool if you can lift weights. Yeah, we can always work on that. Yeah, it's cool to become the kind of person who can do this in a way that is both, you know, valuable to them and healthy and better. It's just like a combination of things. Yeah, like even I've taught a couple of fire academies, and I always tell people, I'm like, I can always teach you how to break a door and pull a hose and put a fire out. That's just like a set of steps. It's a different thing to become the kind of person who can do this like when the heat's on, when it's not good, when it's uh when you are scared, when the stakes are high. That's a different thing. Yeah, and that is really the part I'm coaching. Yeah. You can watch a video and learn how to lift a barbell. Yeah, that's not exactly what I'm doing. I'm doing that, but there's this added piece that you need inside because I wouldn't care how strong you are, if you're not confident in lifting it, yeah, you're not gonna lift it well. Yeah. So there's something else that has to happen to be good at anything athletically, that's not just about the execution of like strength and speed. There's something else. There's a reason why when you oh my bad, there's a reason why when you like get Ochocinco and Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin all in a room, and they all just they cannot stop about like how fast they are and how they would torch the other person. Like, as much as it's a joke, it's also like something about them grew in this way where they were like, I don't need to put you down to feel high about myself, to feel like I'm competent, I'm capable. Yeah, I'm someone who can bring this to bear because I just have it in me. Man, that's such a very capable human being. That person does execute well, not only there, but often that translates to other things. Yeah. So it's just cool that you've been able to do this. And I love a little bit, just a little bit of the synchronicity of as a person who did have to climb a pretty solid hill on some internal stuff relative to even having such ability, like to then go, you know, it's pretty cool is being able to offer other people this thing that I needed. Yeah, that's a really lovely, like um fortuitous turn of events to have like I had to go through this yuck so that I could help, I could like pull you out of the same thing. Yeah, you know, in some ways, I'm sure you have not everybody, but I'm sure some athletes you realize like it's not the same. Yeah, but you realize like, oh, people they have their own hitches. And if I can the the hour that they're with me or the whatever is that they're with me, yeah, if I can, you know, walk them another inch forward, encourage them another inch further, that's a really powerful thing. Yeah, that's super cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:00

It's it's it's been a lot of work, and like um I am fortunate. I've been working with over the past year, like I have one athlete who wants to be competitive.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:09

Oh, cool.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:10

And I'm like, you know, but it's like it's it's you know, how do I lead them? How how do I I don't need to put the same, like, how can I make their learning curve faster, more straighter, like just like let's get to the point, you know. Um, and we had a conversation uh one day where I was like, hey man, I'm I'm not gonna cheerlead you. Okay, and I'll tell you right or wrong. I don't know that this is right or wrong, but from my experience, I needed the external push. And like this is a pain sport, and you gotta want this for you. And I don't wanna be here cheerleading you and be like, okay, I only execute like that because she was there. So I gotta let you go to work and then we're gonna talk about it once you're done. And and like I just like you gotta want this for you. And it was just like we had a couple of those conversations of like that's not my rule. I'm gonna I'm here to hold you accountable. I'm here to teach you how to acquire skills, how to make them more efficient, how to condition them under fatigue, like those kinds of things. But like I I can't want it, you know, and so I was so proud of him for like he he he then took that and then how he talked to me about his training changed. And he was like, Yeah, I gotta like he was taking ownership of it, and I was like, Oh, we're getting there faster, you're getting there faster than I did, you know? And I was like, Yay! So it's like if I went through all of that and I never do another thing with my competitive CrossFit, but I can just take people who are interested in it and like take them a step further, and maybe they go work with someone else in the future that takes them a step further. Great, great. But it's just like making sure that that you know, we can be all aligned or just seeing like, hey, don't step over there. That's like a pile of dog shit. It doesn't pay off, you know, like don't go on there, you know. Like I think it's it's cool and it's important, and just trying to lift people up and have a sense of community and just you know, whether it's my 12-year-old who was on the bike and said, I can't, I can't, I can't do that those many calories on the bike. And I said, You were supposed to do it by two minutes. Look at the clock, it just turned two minutes. You did it. So I said, We don't say can't, we just say it you can say it's hard. Because it's true, it was hard to do that.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:31

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:31

Cool. But like we we don't say can't, you know, like and just trying to like speak life and capability and like all those things. And if that's I don't know why that has become my umbrella of influence, but with that, if I just keep doing that for as long as I'm able to work and do that, great. And in a generation or two generations, if nobody knows my name, great. Because like all I know is like these are this is the tool set I've been given. And so I'm gonna figure this thing out. I'm gonna do some continuing education, I'm gonna do some inner work with it, right? I'm gonna do all the things and we're gonna maximize on this as much as we can and see where this goes. And and at the end of the day, my life simply cannot be about me and and the fulfillment of just my needs and my worries and my wants and those types of things. And so if I can have some sort of impact and influence, whether it's someone in my strong for life class who they didn't, they haven't worked out for 20 years, or you know, maybe they're afraid of it because they've been given diagnosis with health things and they're afraid, what does it mean? Like, can I even work out anymore? Like whatever that is. Or if it's giving somebody who just had a baby and they're like, I miss the old me. You know, I miss what I used to be able to do. And it's like, oh, we'll get there. Yeah. And that's the guide part. Like, I'm in this with you. How do you feel today? We can pivot today, we don't have to do that. You know, but but but we're still gonna nudge forward, you know. I think like it's worth my while to do all of this.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:07

So it's brilliant. I love it. I I love that it's actually just kind of become this in a weird way, like a circle, you know, like it's just cool to watch you able to use these strengths, insights, powers, past experiences, and to be able to enable and just assist people. I think it's such a like generous way to use that too. And and it's always cool how I think so many of the best coaches in almost any sport were once pretty dang good at it themselves, but they had an eye for another part of it that sometimes the pure player just doesn't have. And like I always think about like Phil Jackson being able to coach and being good, being a pro and being good at the at the gig, but then being like, But I can actually tell you what needs to happen somehow. I always think about like how Lauren Michaels is not funny, but he has picked every SNL cast member, right? Which means you know something very important about comedy, yeah, but you yourself are not innately the like funny. I mean, he's obviously an extreme example, right? Right. But you also that's when you realize like it's so interesting to kind of discover down the road, like, yes, I'm a good athlete, that's true. One of the unique things that about me is that I can see something beyond just that. Because sometimes you meet people like I'm really good at this, and they're like, Cool, what what they think? I mean, I don't I don't really know, and I wouldn't even know how to know the other part. Like, how do you look at a person and know that they're gonna be funny? How could you know that? Yeah, like it's a weird, like same thing as a coach. Like, how could you know that you could turn, you know, Kobe Bryant with this setup and blah blah and manage these personalities, and you're we were just talking about this at the gym.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:46

Like, we had members uh talking about like coaching ability, like CrossFit coaches and whatever. And our our new coach was like, it's just it it's watching thousands and thousands of reps, right? Like uh Lauren's probably heard hundreds, if not thousands, of horrible skits, you know, and so he knows what doesn't work, right? But uh, we were just talking about the like everything's connected, like it's very cyclical. And it was just like my journey, I was telling our members, and I was just like, everything's connected. Like I've I did this competitively, you know, for with competitive aspirations for 12, 13 years, right? And then, but prior to that, then I had four years of four-hour practices with women's basketball. So then I'm watching, I'm watching how everything goes, right? I'm watching the physicality. How how does someone who's five, six and someone who's six, six, like how how do they move, right? I'm looking at the ball, how it spins off of someone's fingertips. I used to stay after practice and I was super duper rebounder. So, like the the guards that needed help, right? Uh, not only were they there for shooting practice, but they were like, hey, give me passes. And I'm like, okay, like I'm trying to spin them the most perfect pass. And like, my teammates don't pass like that. They're like, give me garbage passes. And so, like, then, like, how does, you know, basically this is a form follow function kind of trajectory, right? Like uh top spin versus, you know, straight bounce pass, like all these other things. But then you take that back. I raised sheep for FFA, right? You go and you pick out the sheep you're gonna raise for the year, and you're looking at a hundred white sheep. And to the people who don't know any different, there is no difference. But you can tell based off of how they're built what their potential is what the long-term trajectory might be.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:37

And so I was like, it's all connected, right? And so that's why, like, whenever I see somebody who looks like there's something weird in how they're catching the bar overhead, I'm like, oh, I gotta fix their feet. And it seems like voodoo to somebody whenever I'm like, hey, make this adjustment with your feet, and all of a sudden their hands are fixed. And it's like, oh, it's all it's all connected, you know? And I think it's just like a really cool thing, like that for sure. It's just like thousands and thousands of reps.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:02

I mean, I've any coaching I've had in my life, I'm always blown away by the insights that coaches have. I'm always like, oh shit, I've never done it because I grew up playing ball too. Yeah. And my coach would be like, oh, Lewis, do this or do that. And I'd be like, really? And then it would work, and I'd be like, no shit. But it just is like, that wasn't my strength, you know. And then uh, but I do think that's such a it's a cool thing to discover about yourself. And I love that it's been able to be such a reward. I mean, it's so tough to like. I mean, I think to speak honestly about things, like sometimes, yeah, people go through really hard things, and it's it's incredible that they make them through them, but it doesn't always lead to like um like a deeper thing. Now, I mean, that's been my experience. I'm not saying it's not the case for people. They'd say all of it did for them, that's lovely. I just know some people who it hasn't always been that way, and and so I always am grateful and it always makes me happy to hear someone's like, oh, that was like a really brutal journey. But then, like, there's something out of it that really I've really been able to take from that that's felt so um, I don't want to necessarily say like rewarding, but I would say like it feels meaningful, yeah. To be like, it's really cool to have non-I suffered all that stuff. I had to go through that and grow through that, and now I'm able to use that for something that means something to me. That's just a really I love that. That's brilliant. But I do want to ask you this just because I always think it's a great way to end this thing, which is give me something right now that's going really good. If there's anything beyond what you said, and if it's not, you can just say, Yeah, it was this too. Like it's still no, this is the best thing right now. Anything else that's going really good?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:32

I think it's like uh I'm I can sum it up. I think my aim for this year is rhythm and recovery and figuring out what that means for myself. And I'm getting closer to that of actually like making those real actionable things in my life with my work, with my own training routine. Like things got a little sideways for a while, and um I think those are necessary because if I just let my mind run rampant, I will burn out. It doesn't matter what it is, I will burn out on anything you give me because I go all in too hard, right? And so it's like what's going really well right now is speaking up for what I need and is holding myself accountable. All and it's just kind of like uh, you know, taking advice, but actually like acting on it, applying it, applying it. That's the hardest part. That's actually the hardest part. Because like I will I will ask opinions all day long from everywhere. I think you can get wisdom from anybody.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:32

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:33

But it's like at some point the problem's still the problem, you're still you. So are you gonna settle for you like this, or are you gonna actually implement something? And so I think advocating for myself, implementing change that is leading towards rhythm and recovery has been like the exhale I've been needing to give myself. Because nobody's pushing me into all of this whirlwind but but me. Like life can have its own momentum sometimes. Totally, but I'm agreeing to to to jump in the river of that, but not thinking about how I can get back to shore. So cool.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:10

I love that. Okay. What's something that you feel like right now is and only again, all these questions are if only if you want to answer there's no pressure. Um, but is there anything that right now you're feeling like, man, this is this is tough. This is one right now, and this is tough. This one's this is a way because I think it's so easy where we can. I don't think you did, by the way, but you we can talk so often about like all that we're doing and accomplishing and striving toward. And this this is one of the things I don't like about some of those podcasts, is like it's always up and to the right. I'm like, everything's great. I've never had a month of my life be up and to the right. So I'm like, so I'm like, I'm like, I I've had some days, I've even had a great couple weeks, but I'm like, so I'm always like, where is the manual? Where is the insights? Where is the like connectivity in in my mind of like when it's not good? I don't want to feel crazy, I don't want to feel like I'm a bad or a weak person. And so getting to know, like, oh, this isn't going good right now for me. I'm always like, okay, cool, because I'm trying hard here, and it's it's not fucking going good, and I'm doing everything I can do. And so sometimes it is those things that all of a sudden remind you like keep going. You're not alone. There's more people that are dealing with this, or there's something that that, oh, maybe they said something and it triggers something for you. You know, is there anything that you can think of that you're like, you know what, this is a hard area right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:27

I think I think for me, I think it's always gonna be something to work through, but I think it's um it's easier to ask for um what you need, maybe with friends or acquaintance acquaintances or maybe people who hire you. But for me, it's sometimes harder to establish those things with family, right? Because there's just history there. And so being able to listen, be around, be present, but then also to say, hey, hold on a second, that wasn't cool, you know. And just simply because I'm I'm saying that wasn't cool doesn't mean that you're a bad person. Yeah, right, right. It doesn't mean that I think anything less of you is just like this isn't gonna work like this, like this can't work anymore like this. Yeah. And so I think like emotions, emotions with family and like how to how to show up for family, me being so far away from family, everybody's back in Texas. I think it's um it's easier for me to not deal with things versus my siblings who were closer to my parents, you know. Um, my parents came up and visited, but we had huge, huge moments of growth where my mom and I had points and it was like, man, it took me 38 years to be able to articulate what I in spite of my feelings in it for just be a conversation and not ruin the whole thing. And so it's like, oh, we still got work to do. But I think I think navigating relationships with family will always kind of be a thing where it's like you know, I'm I think I'll get there where I'm not always holding my breath before I say something or uh those kinds of things. But I think whenever my parents came up this past like week or so ago, two weeks ago, I think it was like, oh, we can do this. Like we can do this. We don't have to hold people to who they were and and we can do this, but it is going to dictate grace humility. That part, um so yeah, but that's that's the that's the murky stuff.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:36

When you said it, it reminded me. I don't know if you've ever watched the show Ted Lasso, but there's a scene where his mom comes and they have like if you've never seen it, they just there's just this brilliant scene where his mom shows up, and if you know the story, his dad takes his own life. And so the whole thing is that he has never done anything but just like revere, support, love, honor. They're southern.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:59

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:00

You know, he is just tone the line, you know. And then there's finally this moment where they have a dinner and he's like, she's like, Oh yeah, I mean, I made you digress. Well, thank you.

unknown 1:17:09

And fuck you.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:10

We're not blah blah. It's like tough moment, yeah, but it's such a but and then they end up laughing at the end of it, but it's true, it's like it is there's hard things in everybody's life, and people do change, and it's the courage that you're describing to like have those conversations and to make those choices that is so yeah hard, and it's it's really cool to hear you like know that you can do it, yeah, and that you're starting that process, but it is fucking hard.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:40

It's hard, but I'm also like it takes it takes the the other person, and I I do have to say, like, I was so proud of my mom. I was so proud because of for someone in their 60s, so hard to like there was an apology that she said that I was like, What? And that's like it was about old things, so it was just like you know, I think sometimes when we're around parents, we can revert back to oh yeah, you know, living on the house. What it felt like living in the house with them. Um, and I was just like, I I felt the the spark, but I was like, my brain was like, Hold on, listen, listen, listen. And it took me a day or two, and then I messaged her and I was just like, Hey, I just want you to know, like, thank you for the apology. I see the effort, I see you trying to do things different than how they were done with you. And I think I think that that's the thing. Like, I think I'm the tension of will this ever change? And I saw I saw the rock finally nudged forward up that hill. And I was like, well, now I have hope. You know? That's cool. And so it's it's like one of those things where it's like that that's hard, but um that's where I'm at right now. Is like I know I think that there's some places where I need to invest more in family relationships. Um, but yeah, keep working on that. That's the hard part. Super cool. Sorry, that was long-winded.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:03

No, it was great, honestly. And I like I think so much of what you offered is just like so brilliant, and I really like I really appreciate you coming on and just talking so vulnerable about all these things. I think it's such a cool story and also like such a relatable one because I think while the circumstances of everybody's lives, you know, can be different, I think, at least for me, I could say like I know that same feeling of like just needing that external validation, the fight to feel like and on maybe on some different topics, but like being a person of mixed race, it's a whole set of things that happen with your internal sense of value around your culture and where you belong. And do you fit and do you count here? And well, maybe they don't validate you, and so you kind of have to. So I I've not had maybe the exact same reasons or the same whenever, but that same sense of like, oh, when am I gonna like feel good about who I am? When do I get to like be Jason? When do I have to stop trying to live for some other person or some other idea or some other group to then come along and be like, oh, you count now? Yeah, when do I get to fucking like cut my own little piece of the earth out and go like I'm here, dog? I'm fucking me. And you're like, you'll either fuck with it or you won't, but I'm I'm done holding that. That was a like in in ways, it's still a fight, you know. But I mean, I've made oh ungodly strides. I'm 50 times more in my shoes than I ever was when I was 16 or 17, you know what I mean, and even in my 20s. So I just think it was such a cool I love getting that insight of someone who like knows you but doesn't know you. It's a very, very like fascinating thing, but also like such a like human thing and really like lovely and encouraging. And so I'm so grateful that you came on and chose to share it. Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:42

I was blown away that you asked me. Really? Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:46

Was it as scary and hard as you thought?

SPEAKER_01 1:20:48

No, no, good, no, it was it was good for conversation. I think I'm actually like I have a lot more questions for you, and I'm just I'm stoked to hear your perspective on things and your insight on things. And I think this was just as good for me as hopefully it was for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:01

Oh, yeah, for sure. And I'm like really excited to see people how people react to it. We'll see. But um, if you're open to it, I'll have you back on sometime later on. I'd love it. Okay, cool. Absolutely would love it. Just no, I'm so grateful for you for coming on. Thank you. Thanks again.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:12

This has been good for my heart. Good, mine too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:14

And I'm like, I'm so glad. I love to hear that. I'm really excited to see people react to it. And then um, and then yeah, hopefully we find a time in the future to have you back on.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:22

Please. Awesome, cool. Thank you, Jason.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:24

Yeah, 100%.