“You Should Be Dead” → The TBI No One Diagnosed

Lara Benjamin survived a high-voltage electrical accident that should have killed her. But what no one realized at the time… was that her brain had been permanently changed.

Years later, her symptoms began to surface. Vision loss. Daily migraines. Memory failure. And a growing sense that something was deeply wrong.

Doctors dismissed her. Tests came back “normal.” And she was left questioning her own reality.

In this episode, Lara shares her journey through:

•  Delayed traumatic brain injury 
•  Being misdiagnosed and dismissed 
•  Losing her identity, career, and sense of self 
•  Navigating a broken healthcare system 
•  And ultimately… reclaiming her power 

This is a conversation about rupture, survival, and what it takes to rebuild when your brain, your body, and your life no longer work the way they used to.

👉 If this story resonates, share it with someone who needs to hear it
 👉 Subscribe for more real conversations about rupture and recovery
 👉 Join the BestGuessistan community here: https://bestguessistan.substack.com/

Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BestGuessistan

Subscribe to our Substack: https://bestguessistan.substack.com/

Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bestguessistan/

Join the conversation on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bestguessistan/

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to Rupture, the world of Best Guess A Stan. I'm Wendy Lurie. No two TBIs are alike. And if you've been following the show at home, you've heard lots of different kinds of stories. But I don't know that anyone's story puts it into starker relief than Lara's story. From how she got her injury to when and how her symptoms showed up to the aftermath. Lara's experience really expanded my understanding of how TBI shows up, what it looks like, what it feels like, and what it does to a life. Did I get it right? You did, yes. She also had a career that was cut short by her TBI. She was working in her family business, an optical lab, when a TBI cut that short. She was actually meant to take over the business. So she took a different role in the organization as a bookkeeper, but that was too much also with a TBI. A career cut short by a TBI is a textbook example of the kind of rupture that we explore here on the podcast. I've really enjoyed getting to know Lara, and I'm so excited that you're here and really looking forward to this conversation. So welcome, Lara.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Thank you. Good to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Great to have you. So you and I talked about this a little bit. Lots of TBI origin stories start in the same way, including mine. I got hit in the head. Something fell on my head. Something closed on my head. I was in a car accident. But I must say, the way you got your TBI was unlike any other origin story I had ever heard. So can we start there? Tell us how you got your TBI.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Yeah, it's super uncommon, actually, which is kind of a problem for me. But so I got mine in a high voltage electrical accident. It was five years ago. And my partner at the time, who we'd been living together for like a year and a half previous to this, he was a woodworker. And he was showing me how to use one of the decorative tools that he'd used before. It's called a fractal burner. And it uses high voltage electricity to make like lightning designs in your woodworking. And he was showing it to me and wanted to do a project with it with me. And I had no idea anything about it until after the fact. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know what it did. And he was trying to explain it to me. And unfortunately, like he was using it incorrectly. And so it looks like two jumper cables. And the since it uses electricity, as he was showing me like what it did and how to use it, the electrical arc jumped from one cable to the other. And so I didn't know what was going on. He just kind of froze. And my first instinct was let's get these things out of his hands, which now I know, like, absolutely don't do that. Like, last thing you do in a situation like that is like touch someone. So I grabbed him to try to get the things out of his hands. And I got shocked. And then I did it again. Like once wasn't enough. But my instincts, you know, were not thinking about myself. They were thinking, how do I save this man? And so I had to wait actually until he like fell on the ground. And then I could unplug the machine and then had to call 911 and do CPR and all of the things. A helicopter came in to they were going to transport him to the hospital via helicopter because he was in such bad shape. But unfortunately, he did not make it by the time the helicopter got there. And when the paramedics got there, I seemed fine. And I mean, I was in shock, obviously, from what had just happened. But like the fact that I was even just standing there, the paramedics were like, You should be dead. You should have fused to him when you grabbed him and you should have died right along with him. But since I seemed fine, they were like, okay, go stand, go stand over there, I guess. And so I didn't get checked out immediately. I wasn't even told, like, go follow up with a regular doctor, none of that. So that was five years ago. And it's just been in the last couple of years that the symptoms have really like amped up to a point where I was unable to function anymore.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

So let's first of all, that is an unbelievable story. And so sorry for your loss and what you went through and just wow. Yeah, it's crazy. Totally crazy. Wow, what a freak thing. Let's talk about when your symptoms showed up because with most people who have TBIs, the symptoms show up relatively soon after the incident itself. That wasn't true for you. So when did they show up and what showed up first?

SPEAKER_00 4:48

So what I noticed showing up first was like physically was my vision. And I thought, like me and my kids used to drive all over the place to go to concerts. Like we'd drive three hours up to Minneapolis to see a show and then come right back, or we'd go to Chicago. You know, we were going all over the place. And as we were doing these road trips, I was noticing more and more as time went on that like my vision, like driving, it was not great.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

And I just thought was it double? Like what specific?

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah, kind of like kind of double vision, not exactly double, but I don't know exactly how to describe it. But yeah, double vision and like just things weren't it just wasn't right. Like it's very difficult to explain. But so the double vision was starting to really bother me. And it would start like I'd be fine in the mornings, but by the time I got off work in the evening, I couldn't use my eyes anymore. Like I couldn't see, like it wasn't working. And I went to the eye doctor. I thought I'm just getting old, you know. This is just one of those things that happens when you're middle-aged. Here we are. And they did an eye exam and everything looked normal. So they're like, I don't know. So I got reading glasses trying to see if that would help. Like in my office at work, because it started seeping into my daily life as well, where I just couldn't see. I couldn't see my computer, I couldn't see the invoices in front of me. I couldn't, like I could not see, I could see it, but I couldn't comprehend it, like I couldn't focus on it, you know. And so the reading glasses weren't helping, none of that was helping. And then one of my kids one night was like, Are you developing a lazy eye? And I was like, I don't know, I didn't know that that was something that could happen to you in your 40s. My right eye, if you see this happening, no, you don't, but my right eye, it kind of like wanders sometimes. It doesn't want to like do what it's supposed to do. So that is like one of my biggest issues is the vision. And obviously, there were other issues too, like I was having problems with light sensitivity, migraines, things like that. All of that stuff kind of amped up, but it's really started with the vision piece.

unknown 7:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Well, it's interesting because I had to go to the eye doctor just a week or so ago just because I keep getting these weird eye infections, and they I had them check my my eyes while I was there. My vision is 2020. Acuity is not the issue. The issue is I have double vision from I have convergence insufficiency and fourth nerve palsy. And our doctor of OT, Kellyanne, who's come on for a couple of episodes, talks about it's the problem is not what the eyes can see. The problem is how the brain is processing what the eyes can see.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Exactly. And that's what my neurooptometrist said as well, that I was probably going to be frustrated if I went to the ophthalmologist that my neurologist had suggested I go to, just because physically there's nothing wrong with my eyes. I mean, I have bad vision, like I need corrective lenses, but like there's nothing physically wrong with my eyes. They weren't gonna see anything and they were gonna send me away like everybody else, saying, No, there's nothing wrong with you. Go touch some grass or something.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Now, you had told me when we were talking before this that after the vision problem started, then the migraine started.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Yeah. And I'd always gotten migraines since I was in my 20s. Like I had hormonal migraines. So once or twice a month I would be out for a couple days with those. But this was different and it was more severe, and it started to be every single day. So for a year and a half, every day, I had a migraine. And so my most of my day, honestly, right now, is spent trying to like keep that at bay. So I I've learned now like ways to mitigate that a little bit, but it's still not, it's not great.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

I I feel you as someone with long long-term history of migraine, which got worse from the head injury, plus all the other pain, the concussion pain that was caused. I totally empathize with having this every single day. It's it's brutal. Totally.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

It's a nightmare.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

It is, and it's like a full-time job to keep it away, right? And to make sure none of the triggers get triggered. It's it it's no fun. It is absolutely no fun.

SPEAKER_00 9:03

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

So, did you think while this was going on, like, am I is this the recovery process and what it feels like? Did you feel like you were recovering? Did you feel like you were getting worse? Like, how did you locate yourself?

SPEAKER_00 9:14

So, to be honest, I didn't even realize that any of this was related to my accident. I thought I had PTSD. I thought all of this was like emotional. Yeah, the migraines were kind of weird, and that is why I like ended up getting checked out. But like, because I had never been told, hey, these are some things that you should be looking out for, like this could affect you down the road. I literally just thought I was losing my mind because of the trauma of everything. And so I was working really, really hard to like fix myself or whatever, to like deal with all of that because I was like, this is not, this is not gonna rule my life. I need to be able to function, to raise my kids, you know. So I really did just think it was all in my head. And like I saw what happened was the it all amped up so badly. I thought I had agoraphobia, my therapist thought I had agoraphobia. Come to find out it was all sensory stuff because my nervous system is completely fried, like everything, all of the connectors that tell my body that we're safe, we're okay, those are gone. So I am constantly in this fight or flight, and that's what the problem was. But anyway, so I thought I had agoraphobia, and I was trying to fight that and taking my kids out in public, like we'd go out to dinner, and then one night I took them out to dinner and we got home and I went to take a shower to kind of decompress because it was like and after I got out of the shower, I had this episode that was kind of like a seizure, and I was like, Okay, something is not this is not emotional. This can't be like sure, there's a possibility that it's a PTSD flashback kind of situation, sure. But I was like, this is not normal. I've done all the work. This is not, this is physical. Like, there's something very wrong. I need to go to a doctor. And so that's when I actually went to my uh GP and was like, so we've never talked about this before, but three years ago, I was a lecture.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

And she's like, oh well, even before that though, you mentioned to me that it was a customer said something to you about that the vision problems maybe have may have been connected to this, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:33

This was like as the process was going on and as I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. But because I worked in the optical industry my whole life, that's actually the only way I got any help for myself. Like the regular healthcare system really let me down. Like it really has not been great for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Let's talk about that. So you went to your GP, yes, take us from there.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

You know, and she did what she could. She had me on migraine meds and tried me on some preventative stuff when they started amping up and getting more frequent, and none of that was really working. And then when I brought in the like seizure symptoms and told her finally, oh hey, I should probably mention this 15,000 volt thing that happened to me. And she was like, Let's get you into a neurologist. So she referred me to neurology, and the first one I could get into, I just went, like, I didn't do any research about this. I didn't like going back, I would have changed a lot of things about how I approached this, but I couldn't like a physically like I couldn't even make phone calls or do research. Like, I could not, I was barely surviving. I was barely functioning. I couldn't take care of my kids, you know, like ever yeah. So I got referred to this neurologist and I go in and I don't he just and I know that this is what a lot of doctors do, but I felt really dismissed. One of my main concerns besides the migraines was my memory was starting to really like be bothersome. Like my short-term memory is zero. No, if I don't, we've talked about this. If you, if I don't write it down or something, it's not gonna happen. It's gone forever. And but also I was losing other things. I was losing, I didn't remember how to do parts of my job. I'd been doing this for a decade, you know, and I couldn't remember the simple everyday muscle memory tasks that I'd been doing forever. What really was one of my main, like one of the worst things. I couldn't play piano anymore. And I thought I had forgotten how to play piano. I thought it was my memory. Anyway so I brought this up to the neurologist as one of the things going on. And he was like, Well, I don't think that's a big deal unless you play piano professionally. I was like, okay. So he did end up referring me to like get an MRI to a neuropsychologist. I had an EEG to measure for like seizure activity, things like that. But I really felt like I was just kind of being blown off and dismissed. And even with those other specialists that I went to, even the neuropsychologist, like everybody was like, Yeah, I think you probably just need some antidepressants. Maybe try to go socialize, maybe try to, you know, you're grieving, honey.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

This is I know we've we talked about this, but it's you've given it even more dimension. And this comes up, this let me just ask you, do you think he was dismissive because you're a woman? Or do you think he was dismissive because the symptoms are hard to understand? Brain injuries don't show up on normal imaging. Why do you think he was so dismissive?

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Like it's nice to think that it's just because it's a complicated case and like doctors don't see a lot of it. There's really not a lot of people who survived this kind of electrical accident. So sh sure, we don't know what's going on, but like let's be realistic. One of the problems is being a woman when you're dealing with anything outside of a normal medical situation.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

Even within a normal medical situation, we have a hard time being taken seriously. We know.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

Yes, exactly, exactly. And I and one of the things that really like struck home to me that like being a woman was part of my problem is I have a friend in Boston and he is great. He's a teacher, and he went to the ER and he was presenting with the exact same symptoms that I originally presented with an ocular migraine and a pain in the neck. And they took him to the ER and they did all of these tests like immediately. There was like an urgency about it. And I was like, Hey, well, over here, right? Yeah. I hey, I said that. I that was me, I said that.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

I'm gonna invite you back for another episode we're going to be doing on exactly the topic of the gender differences in healthcare and how women are treated versus men, because I can't think of a single woman with a health issue who's come on this podcast and not talked about that. We've all had crazy. That's crazy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

It's crazy. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

So wait, so you went, all right. So anyway, so you went from GP to neurologist to neurooptometrist, neuroophthalmologist, neurot.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

It's a neuro, a neurooptometry office that I didn't even know existed because my neurologist is not the one who suggested it. Who did? I got there because that's where my work comes into play. Because being in the optical industry, our customers who get lenses from us, we just make the lenses for the glasses. We're not a doctor's office or anything, but we our customers are doctors. And one of our customers is they have a like a surgical office. It's like a hospital setting. And we asked them like what they thought of everything and if they could suggest an ophthalmologist that I could get into because the wait was so long. I was like waiting, I was like eight months to get into this ophthalmologist. There was like zero urgency. And so just trying to like get someone closer to me who I could get into a little bit faster. And this customer, the surgeons on their team suggested this neuroop optometry office. And I was like, I didn't even know this was a thing. I've been in this industry my entire life. And I went there and did the testing and sat down with the doctor. And like the first thing she said to me is, You are showing all of the symptoms of TBI. And I was like, What? This is news to me. Nobody had even mentioned that this could this was like a thing. Like just to have that validation and for someone to not say, You're just a little sad.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Or to be DST or anxiety. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah, exactly. And it's so funny because I knew, I knew it. Like my reaction was like, I knew I wasn't a little bitch. Like I knew it. I knew because I'd worked so hard to get over this stuff to get over. You don't get over it. No. But I'd worked really hard to get myself to a point where I could function and to be like a regular person without all of the trauma weighing everything down. I had worked so hard. And so just for her to say, this is in your brain. This is this is a real physical thing.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

It's validating it also, it legitimizes what you're feeling. I mean, you you knew you weren't crazy, but you need to hear that you're not crazy too, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

So what did she recommend? What was the course?

SPEAKER_00 18:40

She recommended that I start vision therapy, which again was another thing that I was like, I don't know what this is. But I was like, okay. So I signed on. Of course, insurance doesn't cover this. So all of it's out of pocket. And so I start that I started a 12-week session, but I was still working at the time. And so it really wasn't doing a whole lot. It was actually making things kind of more difficult for me, like physically. I still kept with it because I was like, this is gonna help. I know it is. And even though I felt like in that first round of vision therapy, like I don't feel like I made improvements, but we did discover like a whole lot of things that were going on that were related to my vision, that were related to the brain injury. It was all connected. And to just like have that documented, now we know my right eye suppresses. So my right eye doesn't even do its job. Most of the time, it's like taking an adolescent shoe shopping or something. It's like, I don't want to do it. It doesn't want to participate. Like so my left eye's yeah. So my left eye's doing all of the work. So we figured that out and we figured out convergence and like you know, double vision, where it's at, and all of this stuff. Just crazy. All of the things are connected, every single thing. The piano playing, yeah, like I can't play piano, and typing now is difficult as well because I can't use both hands at the same time. They don't want to coordinate together. So just things like that. It wasn't really helping a ton because, like I said, I was still working. So everything was going into my job, and then by the time I got home, I was bedridden like every day. So it wasn't really doing a ton. But now I I left my job in February. I finally could not do it anymore. The migraines were just hellish, and I needed to be able to take care of my kids. Like that's I mean, obviously, they gotta be the main priority, and I was not able to do it. I couldn't take care of myself, I couldn't take care of my kids, so I had to make the decision to leave, which was very difficult. Very difficult.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

It's always hard, but it's a family business. I I can't even imagine how much harder that is.

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Oh it was awful, awful, awful. But now that I've had a few months to, I don't know, what even take some time for myself to stop. Yeah, you know, because I I never stopped. Like from the time, it was actually like so seven years ago, my no, six years ago, my ex-husband died. And then nine months later was this accident. And so I had not been able to stop and take a breath because I had been just working and trying to take care of my kids. And of course, they've got all this trauma from losing all these people and everything. So I had not even had a moment to like sit and process really what is going on in my body. Like I could process the emotions, but to actually have a moment to sit and feel like, okay, this is happening, this is happening, I'm noticing this. So I didn't even know my symptoms. I still don't know what my baseline is because it is still like I'm still discovering new stuff every day that's like, okay, this is new. So I I'm not sure where I'm gonna. Land, but I I feel like some things are improving.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

So I have a couple of follow-up questions. So you did vision rehab. I I did two rounds of it, by the way. It was the second round that helped me the most. Good. I'm on round two right now. Okay. So I I I hope that's encouraging. Did you do any other kind of rehab, vestibular, anything from memory? No.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

And I feel like I need to, but I haven't. First of all, the ones that I am aware of are also not covered by insurance. So that's a big limitation for me. You know, none of that was like suggested to me by my neurologist, my neurooptometrist. Now she did give me a couple of recommendations, but again, they're not covered by insurance. So it's kind of limiting for me right now, currently. So I don't know. I'd like to, and maybe I'll be able to find something that is in my ability to afford. But like honestly, what I need to do is there's one place in anywhere that studies and researches electrical injuries, and it's in Chicago. And I've called them and tried to get in, and they would love to see me, but because of insurance, I can't get in there. It's out of network. So it would be minimum $15,000 to go and get reviewed. But like because of the fact that electrical injuries act so much differently than other injuries, it's really important that I see someone who understands it a little bit, you know. Because I mean, it's great that I'm doing this like vision therapy and it's geared towards like concussions and like strokes and stuff. And my brain does behave similarly, but there are, you know, a few differences, and it would just be really nice to have somebody who understands it. Absolutely. Instead of somebody who's like, well, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

Right. And it's probably in your head. Right. The I don't know also suggest that like it's it's really your problem, not mine. But okay, here's the other question that that came up while you were talking about allowing yourselves to like feel everything because you kept going without a moment to actually experience what was going on. One of the some of the symptoms that go with TBI that I know I've experienced are challenges with regulating mood and emotions. Have you found that?

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Well, that was like one of the first things that I was trying to work on. So I think that I've really, I don't know if I can, I don't know that I can say mastered. But I've tried I've really worked hard to master myself and my emotions and my moods because for the longest time I thought that's what it was. I thought it was a mood problem. I thought it was an emotional problem. And so I did all the work possible to try to be able to regulate that. So I'm actually pretty an even keel. Like, you don't, you can't really like flap me. Like, I'm not easily like, no, you can't, you can't mess with me.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

I actually I was always super level. Like I'm not spiky like that. I'm I'm very even keel also. Honestly, my emotions were were always pretty well buried, very, very deeply buried.

SPEAKER_00 25:05

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

The TBI brought them all to the surface. And the way I found out, like the way I figured out for me that helps me manage that is working out. Like if I can work out like hard, hard enough to like be dripping in sweat, that let me that lets me my moods and emotions be governed like for the whole day. I do it in the morning and I'm good for the day.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Yeah, that's great. See, and I had things that I did to like help process that stuff because yes, like you, it all came up to the surface. I was dealing with a lot of other stuff too. So with the PTSD, with the trauma, with the grief, like everything was like so much at once. So in trying to deal with that, I did have ways to process my emotions. And that was that was through writing, that was through music, that was through playing piano, writing songs, stuff like that. And that all went away. I lost all of it. I could not do any, like even just singing. Like, if I don't already know the words, if it's not something that I that's ingrained deep in my soul, I don't know it. I can't sing anymore. I can't, and I can't like read words and sing at the same time, karaoke. Nope, can't do it. So I lost all of my tools for my emotional regulation. And I was like, what? That was the worst part, to be honest. That was worse than anything else. To like lose what felt like the parts that felt like it that was me, you know? And to not be able to do that anymore, I was like, well, what am I then? Now what? Right. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

And what am I supposed to do? Well, if it's any comfort, uh so I play guitar, classical guitar. I'm a student, emphasis on student, because I'm yes, I didn't learn uh so I take lessons not every week anymore, but you know, every few weeks, and I learn differently now. So for me, it's not wasn't so much the playing, it was the ability my ability to learn was challenged because I just yeah, I I couldn't retain things in the same way. And I had to figure out how to use, I don't know how, but like different parts of my brain tool, it was like activating different parts of my brain that I'd never had to use before because the ones I'm used to using weren't working. Yeah, but it worked for sure.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

You have to like re figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Figure it out. And honestly, like I understand because for me, playing music also has always been one of the like the it's one of the things that that is calming, but it also makes me feel human. You know, it makes me feel like a like a well-dimensionalized person. And it brings it like it's intellectual and it's emotional and it's magical. And for the time that I couldn't play, I felt that loss too. So I totally hear you. And I'm sure I am nowhere near as accomplished on the guitar as you are on the piano.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

No, I play like a kindergartner. I'm not great by any means at piano. No, not even a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

Did you start playing as an adult or as a kid? Yeah, as an old adult. All right, we're both in the same boat.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Okay, they were avid beginners. Avid beginners, yes. But yeah, I have been told that there's a good chance that I'll get that back. Like as I go through the vision therapy and stuff like that, because we're working on ways to like get my hands to work together and things like that. So there is the hope that that's gonna come.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

It might also be good therapy in getting your hands and your eyes to work together better.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

For sure. It definitely would be very cool.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

Okay, so I want to talk about the rupture. So this was definitely a rupture, right? Because I mean, this change, I mean, we just we define a rupture, you know, in the around these parts as the thing that breaks your life into before and after, right? And and you can never go back to the before. You'll never be the person you were before. You're not really sure who you are in the after. Was the bigger rupture for you the work career piece or the identity piece that you were just talking about in terms of like this is who I am, and who am I if I can't do these things? Or were they equal? Like, what was the rupture for you?

SPEAKER_00 28:48

Yeah, I think it was definitely more the identity thing because like work, sure, I know a lot of people like define themselves by work, and that was really, really difficult for me. But it was harder for me to not know how to express myself anymore, to not really know how to define myself, I guess. And I had to learn that like after everything that I thought I was was stripped away, like I was still this like extremely strong, powerful person. I didn't have any of the things that I knew how to do, any of the things that I was talented at, any of my okay, I'm still intelligent, but like I feel a little bit less, you know, I can't do my words the way that I used to. So it feels like I've lost some intelligence. Have not. Anyway, so all of that is stripped away. And just being left in this state of like, who am I now? What am I doing? I don't even know. But I know that like at my core, I am this like light and powerful, like I can still walk into a room and light the thing up, even without all of the things that I was standing behind and defining myself.

SPEAKER_01 30:07

So maybe you didn't actually need those things to be as powerful as you really are.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Exactly. Exactly. That's an interesting thing to learn about yourself too. It really is. It's heartbreaking. It's a heartbreaking process, but I think as like really a gift to like truly be able to like find yourself at your core.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

And we're gonna get back to that sort of sense of power in in a minute or two. So you told me something super interesting when when we talked, which is that you are applying for disability now, and unlike me, you were smart enough to hire a disability lawyer before you even started. So can you just like talk through like how did you get to that decision? Only because you were the first person I'd ever heard say that. And I was like, that's really smart. And why has no one mentioned that before? Because I went through and had to get denied and then make a decision about common, extremely common.

SPEAKER_00 30:54

Yeah. And that's what my attorney even told me. So I'm I am so glad that I decided to just start the whole process off with the attorney because from what I had heard, it's a really difficult process. There's a lot of like dumb paperwork loopholes you gotta jump through and all that. My brain was not gonna be able to handle that. Like, so difficult for me to like fill out paperwork, read instructions, you know. Like, I can't. I look at things like that and it just looks like high remote. Okay, it's it's gibberish, right? Yeah, it's gibberish. I don't know what this is. So I knew I wasn't gonna be able to fill it out on my own. I wasn't gonna be able to file without some assistance. And so just doing the research and finding that people usually end up having to like hire an attorney or it stretches out for like a million years. I'm like, I don't have a million years. I have a short period of time to figure out if like I can get on this disability or if I need to figure out something else income-wise, and figure out what I can do as a bedridden mostly person. Not a lot of options for me, but anyway. So I just decided since I can't do this myself, I'm gonna find an expert. I have a a friend who is an attorney, a family law attorney, and I just asked her if she had any suggestions for disability attorneys. And she gave me the name of this office, and I called them, and he called me back and explained the whole process to me, which was great, like to understand what it is and what they do. But then he also told me, like, this is gonna take probably at least a year. And it's like you're gonna get denied probably three or four times. He said, Everybody gets denied the first time. His clients who are paralyzed from the neck down, even like they're still like they're not disabled enough, not disabled enough. So it's just all the loopholes and stuff. And I was like, I can't, I knew I couldn't do it by myself. Man, they handled the whole thing. Like, they called me and we filled out the application together and went through the whole process and then they did the filing, and now I just like wait.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

It's just so smart. And I wish someone had suggested that to me because like I told you, I went through it once, it was jumping through the flaming hoops, the hoops got harder and higher and more on fire with you know, with each page that went by. I still didn't get it, and I just decided I didn't want to spend the next five years of my life doing, you know, dealing with the bureaucracy. But the that system, and we're gonna talk about systems in a in a minute too, that system seems designed. That system to me feels like it's designed for the wrong objective. The way the system feels to me, it's designed to weed out people they think might be trying to commit fraud, as opposed to how do we make sure the system is here for people who need it, and I think they're solving the wrong problem, which is how you get into this mess of having to hire a lawyer before you can even fill out a government full.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

I agree. The nice thing about the attorney though is most disability attorneys do not charge until after the case is.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Right, it's contingency.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

So if you get approved for disability, then you so it's not, I think a lot of people think I can't hire a lawyer, I can't afford that. Well, you don't have to immediately pay this.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

I may be coming to you for a recommendation for for your lawyer. We'll take that offline. Okay, okay. You never know. You never know. Okay, I want to book what you said before, and also what you said to me when we were when we were getting ready to do this today, which was that you said you never felt safer or more empowered than you do now.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Yeah, you have to do that back. And I I think that like just a lot of that has to do with the fact that I know myself so deeply now. Like I really had to dig deep and get to know myself to figure all of this out. And just to like look back and see where I was and everything that I went through, like my God, I am a powerful badass being. Like to just see that, like growing up, I think in America, especially in our Judeo-Christian Christian society, I think that we are taught that we are weak, you know, especially women, especially women, we are weak. We don't matter, you know? And to like have to be stripped down to the bare bones of existence and to figure out that I am still strong and I I do matter, you know, what I'm going through matters and what I've been through matters. And I mean, maybe it maybe I can help somebody else go through. Like, what's the point? What's the point of going through hell if you can't help somebody else navigate through it? But you gotta fix yourself first. Like you have to get to the point where you are like powerful within yourself before you can even like do anything.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

That is a hundred percent true.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

So there are only two parts left to this conversation, though. I could talk to you for hours and hours and hours, and I'm hoping you'll come back for future episodes because I think there's a lot more we have to talk about. Sure. So I'm gonna actually give you your ministry assignment first because it it comes right off what we were talking about. So I told you a little bit about Best Gesistan, this imagined country for people like us who are living in the after. And it's governed by a series of ministries because ministries do things that departments don't do. And every guest who comes on is assigned a ministry based on who they are or something about them that feel makes them feel particularly well suited for a leadership role for one of these ministries. And the ministry I had in mind for you is the ministry of reclaimed power. I love it. Would you leave that? Would you leave that ministry? Sure. Perfect. Absolutely. Paperwork will be in the mail. It's confounding, it's confusing. Your lawyer can help you with it. I was gonna say I might have to have somebody else read it for me. But one of the things we say in Best Guess Stand is there are no wrong answers, so if you mess something up, it doesn't really matter anyway. It's just us. That's true. Okay, so you are officially the the you're officially leading the ministry of reclaimed power. Perfect. So as that, as as the minister, I'm gonna ask you the magic whiteboard question, which is we invite every guest to have an imaginary magic whiteboard, which means you have the marker, you have the whiteboard, you have the dry erasers, and there are no barriers. You can fix anything you want, okay? No limitations. So given the whole history of your injury and everything that's happened since then, what one system, if you could change it with the magic whiteboard, which which system would you pick and any ideas about how you would fix it or what you would change it to do?

SPEAKER_00 37:16

There's so much, you know, to change. I mean, I'd love to topple the patriarchy, Wendy, but I'd be happy to start with some healthcare reform.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

We'll get back to the patriarchy. Start with healthcare. We'll save patriarchy for the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 37:29

And it really the problem is here is insurance. It really is. The whole healthcare industry, it's like a gambling rocket, and we are betting against the bookie. The insurance companies are the ones who are like making the odds. Like, we're paying for the insurance, betting that we're going to need it. And they are giving us the insurance, betting that we're not gonna need it. And then when we do need it, they're like, I don't think you really need it. And so everything is dictated by the insurance companies. And I know that frustrates physicians and doctors and surgeons. I know that frustrates everyone in the healthcare industry as well. But when I am being given medications, just because insurance says I have to try these medications that don't work in order to get something that will work, even though we need to. Did they tell you you had to fail them?

SPEAKER_01 38:19

The language of that says everything, right? We fail drugs. They don't fail us.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

And it's ridiculous because some of these, like, why? Like, why do I have to try these dumb ones that don't work when the ones that will work aren't even that expensive? It's not a money. What is the point? I don't understand any of it. So I would like to adjust our insurance system in healthcare.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

That's the perfect one to be.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

That would be my top priority.

SPEAKER_01 38:46

Okay, I agree. And I by the way, I've worked in the healthcare insurance industry. There's a lot we could talk about, including the fact that even very senior people I worked with, as who are my clients in the healthcare industry, very often said, we don't understand the policies. And I'm like, wait, you guys don't understand them? They're like, Yeah, this is the problem. Like we work in the industry and we don't understand them. How could we possibly expect anybody else to? It's a mess from top to top to bottom.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

Oh, well, and my my GP said this is why a lot of doctors are leaving the industry completely. They just can't do their job because their hands are tied by these corporations who have nothing to do with right.

SPEAKER_01 39:21

And they're either leaving or they're going to concierge medicine, but that brings its own side of problems, which is everything's out of pocket for the patient.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

Canada has got so many of our good doctors now.

SPEAKER_01 39:31

We have a lot of our scientists in general. Yes. Okay, you it's a problem. So I maybe fix I don't know if fixing the health insurance industry is part of the remit of your ministry, but it could be. Could be. We'll workshop that. Laura, this has been amazing. First of all, just meeting you has been like a total, total like pleasure and privilege. So thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00 39:51

I agree. I agree.

SPEAKER_01 39:53

And thank you for coming on and telling your story. I mean, I think that's maybe not the exact accident because the what happened to you is so unusual. But your experience and your perspective and your insights, I think, are going to resonate with so many of our viewers and listeners. I'm too. Thank you, Laura. And we will definitely invite you back to talk more because this has been fantastic. Thanks so much.

SPEAKER_00 40:13

I agree. This has been great. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 40:16

Thanks for joining us for today's episode of Rupture, the world of Best Guess a Stan. Today's episode featured Laura Benjamin and focused on a different kind of TBI experience. If this episode resonated with you or you know someone who could benefit from it, please consider sharing it with them so they can find our community. And to support our work, you can like, comment, subscribe, or join us at bestguessistan.com. Bring us your rupture. Bring us your systems failure. We'd love to hear your story.