How COVID Destroyed My Career and Triggered a Mental Health Crisis

Before COVID, Lindsey Jennings was on the rise.

A comedian, performer, and tour manager, she was building the career she'd worked toward for years when the pandemic abruptly changed everything.

What followed wasn't one rupture. It was many.

After losing her professional momentum, Lindsey sought treatment for ADHD symptoms and was prescribed Prozac. The medication triggered a prolonged manic episode that eventually gave way to a devastating year-and-a-half depression. Along the way she encountered barriers to care, financial instability, hospitalization, predatory self-help programs, and the crushing pressure to "get better" on schedule.

In this conversation, Lindsey and Wendy explore the systems that failed her, the support systems that ultimately helped her survive, and why recovery is rarely as simple as society wants it to be.

Lindsey is awarded BestGuessistan's Ministry of Bootstraps BS.

Because sometimes the biggest lie is that we're supposed to do it all alone.

If BestGuessistan helps you feel less alone in your own rupture, please subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs it.

Every conversation helps build a language for experiences that too often remain invisible.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to rupture. The world of SSD are the SS. Sometimes a rupture cascades. A trajectory stalls. A medication goes wrong. Support fragments. And then suddenly the person at the center of this cascading rupture has to figure out how to navigate systems when they can barely keep it together. That's what my conversation with Lindsay is about. Here's that conversation. Lindsay is a comedian and actor whose trajectory was interrupted by COVID. That rupture revealed a range of systems failures, from access to care to trying to figure it all out on her own and everything in between. Today, Lindsay works with people with autism. Welcome to Rupture Lindsay. And I'm glad we were finally doing my third time.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

I went on Facebook of memories. And part of my rupture, which we'll get into, is when I went on Prozac and it made me manic. And that was four years ago today. So I'm like, wow, it's almost like it was meant to be today.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

It's kind of like it was meant to be. Okay. All right. Well, then let's start. Let's start with where you were before COVID. Like, what were you up to? What was the trajectory? Before we get into what COVID broke, let's start with where you were.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

Well, I was like at the height of my career. Um, I had been doing music and comedy for like, let's say, uh 10 years at that point, but well, 10 years of music working on comedy for five years at that point. And I was like really reaching some peaks in my comedy. I was doing big shows. I was doing big clubs in LA and New York, and I was touring with the Suicide Girls, which is a big company of alternative models. And we had a burlesque tour, the Blackheart Burlesque Tour. And I toured with them on and off from 2013 to 2020. And at the point that the that the pandemic happened, I had worked my way up to from like the bottom rung. Well, not the bottom rung, but I was one of the dancers like on the first tours. Then I started doing comedy, and I also had hosted some of the shows. Started doing comedy on my own, and then they asked me to do comedy on the shows. So I was doing comedy and opening the show, and I worked my way up to doing a half hour every night. And then I also worked my way up through the administration from like starting with doing merch and like being the assistant to being the tour manager. So I was doing comedy and tour managing. I had done a bunch of national tours, a couple international tours, and we were doing like three months at a time. So the last tour we did was 2019, fall 2019, finish in November, and then we did like so a big thing in Vegas, an award show in Vegas in January 2020. I was set to tour manage Europe and Canada in April of 2020. And we were on a little break. And then so I was in New York visiting my family. My f original flight back to LA was March 8th, and then the flights got and then I changed my flight to March 16th because I've decided to stay in New York for a week longer. And then the flights got canceled. I think it was March 13th. So, like literally right before I was there. That was like who knows what my life would have been like if I ended up getting stuck in LA instead of getting stuck in New York. But um either way, basically the tours never happened again. They never brought them back. I guess it just, you know, it was so long in between the time that they'd be allowed to do it again. And then I guess, you know, I don't know. I guess they waited on their options and it wasn't worth it for them to do it anymore. So that so basically I lost my job, which I was like, you know, coming up and on an upward trajectory, and then it just Well, that's what it sounds like.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Everything was like on the upswing, right? You I mean, you really, really moved up and accomplished more, and I mean you were really poised, and then March 2020 happens. So what happens with March 2020?

SPEAKER_02 4:18

I'm stuck in New York. I'm at my parents' house. So I went from living in my company's house, which is like a beautiful mansion in Los Felix, Los Angeles, to living at my parents' house. Not that there's anything wrong with my parents' house, but it's hard being in such close quarters, especially being home all the time. And there was good and there was bad, but you know, I survived the pandemic, luckily, you know, making money online and I was doing comedy online and you know, doing my Instagram and everything. So I actually was okay during the pandemic, and I still was doing comedy, and you know, when the club started opening again, I started doing them again, and then there was the shutdown again, and then like the second shutdown, I like, you know, into 2021, I feel like some people cared and some people didn't. So then there was the people who didn't give a fuck and kept going out and doing shows and doing illegal shows or whatever. And I was one of the person, yeah, and then my sister's like a scientist, so of course, you know, she was very avid about following protocol, so I was doing that, and I feel like that kind of brought me a step down too, where I saw people who I'm not saying people are below or above me, but like people who were, you know, working their way up and like, you know, aspiring to be where I was in comedy, then you know, going further than I was because they were, you know, very consistent during the pandemic and I'm still doing the Zoom shows or whatever. And then from there it goes into 2022. I'm still working doing comedy. Things are actually going okay. I got flown to Austin to do a roast battle show. Um I got flown to LA to do roast battle, and then I was doing some of the c clubs um on Long Island, and then that's kind of where my next rupture starts.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Talk about that. So, what what was the rupture? What started what?

SPEAKER_02 6:02

I got on Prozac because actually I was looking for ADHD medication because my biggest struggle. Yes, I had depression like everybody did in the pandemic, but now looking back after having suffered like really bad depression, I just had mild depression. And even now, knowing more than I know about the world social justice systems, I was just having a normal reaction to the things that are going on in the world. You know what I mean? Like I feel like anybody who's paying attention has mild depression right now.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

It would be hard not to at the time.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

Yeah, it would have been hard not to. Oh, yeah, I had the mild depression, but I was struggling most with my ADHD symptoms. I had started going to therapy in late 2021 for the first time, and I was enjoying it. And it would it was my therapist who was like, I think you would benefit from ADHD medication. So I was like, you know, okay, so it was hard to get a psychiatrist appointment. Like it was going to be months in advance. How long right how long? It was like two months, if I remember correctly. That's a long time. So I knew about from some of my friends who had also pre-diagnosed me with ADHD before I was actually diagnosed. They were like, Yeah, you have ADHD. So my friend told me about a thing called mindful care, which can be a great thing when somebody's in a crisis and you really need to get medication fast. But they just put me on the wrong medication. So they said, Oh, which it's like Russian roulette, you know, like sometimes something works for you, sometimes it's the absolute opposite. So they put me on Prozac because the guy was like, Oh, maybe if we treat the depression, then some of the ADHD symptoms will go away, or you know, what's the word? Just go down. So I got put on Prozac. And for the first couple weeks, I felt amazing. I was like, wow, Prozac is magical, like this is great. And then there was like, it was a good time, but I actually I wasn't dating, but I started talking to my ex-boyfriend again who was an abuser. So, but you know, I'm all about forgiveness and whatever, and I understand like he's he was abused, and that's why he's an abuser. So, like, I was willing to forgive him. And we started hanging out as friends again. So I'm sure that triggered me. And I think I still don't know whether I'm bipolar or if I have PTSD, and that's part of it, or if it's both. But basically, if you go on Prozac and you're bipolar, even if you've never had a manic episode before, Prozac can make you have a manic episode. I also and I also so it was like my best friend's wedding, we had a great time, and then the next day I saw my ex-boyfriend again, and he just like went off on me and treated me like in an abusive way the same way that like emotionally abusive. He had been physically abusive as well, but he treated me in an emotionally abusive way the same way he used to, like 10 years ago. And I it just triggered me. And I like if I if I track back, I I'm a big record keeper and I keep lots of notes in my phone. I keep journals and everything. Now, looking back, I've looked through some journals and I've looked through the notes in my phone and I like went and was deleting old notes, and I can see traces of the mania. And it was really hypomania, but it was an extended period. And I see wait, hypomania. Mania is when you go through like a full-blown manic episode where like you're just experiencing grandiosity and you might believe things that aren't true, like you might really believe like you're going to space next week, like something crazy as crazy as that, where you really, really believe it, or you really believe you're gonna go to the White House and have dinner with the president, or something like that. I wasn't quite that level, but I did have the grandiosity and I can do anything kind of mind frame. And so hypomania is basically a lesser version of mania. So it's just And you hadn't had any of this before the Proza? I mean, I was like there's there's so many different levels and parts of it because I also found out I have PMDD, and I think that also affected my mood a lot. But menstrual dysphoric disorder. Oh I think there were so many different factors. No, I so like I've been, you know, I'm a person who's always been wild, but I never went through like an actual manic episode. And so I I saw traces of the hypomania by like reading the notes and the things that I was writing, but it was really the day after my friend's wedding where I saw my ex-boyfriend, he triggered me. And that's where it was like really started. Because I remember like when you're manic, you'll stay up all night, you need less sleep. I stayed up all night that night, but you also could be super productive. So, like a lot of a lot of CEOs are bipolar, and when they go through manic episodes, they're because they're also also risk takers. And when you're manic, you're gonna take a lot of risks. So I actually I like produced a show. I came up with all this that night. I like put it all together, produced a big Long Island roast battle, like a a sector of the roast battle, which is a comedy central show that I did in LA and New York. The it was yeah, really amazing, productive. I did some great things and had a lot of stuff going on and a lot of you know, like different tangents that I was doing.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

But while you were in the manic phase, while you were going through this manic, how long did I like?

SPEAKER_02 11:05

And I had gotten on the Prozac in May, but I would say that was it was literally August 13th, uh, because it was the day after my friend's wedding. So August 13th to sometime in October, and then there were still traces of it. Like in October is when we realized, like, okay, Prozac's not working, get off the Prozac, something's going on. Tried to put me on a mood sta mood stabilizer, etc. November was when I started coming out of it. But I had already driven to K I had already driven to California thinking I was gonna have enough money to stay to keep my apartment in New York while getting an apartment or a sublet in LA. And I did do that for three months, but then that's the next rupture. This is a series of rupture. Keep going, keep going. The third rupture would be I'm in LA, and now I did have a big pro I had a big project going on. Um, I was making music with Tim Armstrong, who's like a huge punk rock legend. He's the lead singer of Rancid. And we had been working on this project for a while, and we were like finally getting things moving. We had a bunch of songs, and they're really great, and I'm still really proud of them. And so, but my mind frame, I had flown to LA and back and forth to work on it, and my mindframe was like, I gotta be in LA so we can work on this more, whatever. So I drove my car to LA and my dad ended up coming with me because they were worried that because I said if nobody's coming with me, then I'm gonna just drive alone, me and my dog, which I got my dog four years ago, two days ago, to like I got my dog and got on Prozug in the same week. And like, if I didn't, if I didn't have my dog through, he's right next to me right now. If he starts barking, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Don't worry about it. We're all we're all people.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

He had probably saved my life through all of this, so like thank God I had him too. No, you drove to Hell, right? That was an another rupture, right? And your dad came with you. So then I was there for three months. I got stuff done, I did a lot of shows, I I worked on my project, but then I started to run out of money. And I started to realize I'm not as abundant as rich as and as rich as I think, and I didn't just manifest everything I want in three months, and you know, maybe all these, you know, classes and you know, manifesting things that I've learned are not exactly so cut and dry or whatever. It started kind of unraveling, and I just like I've been in a position where I had no money before, but I guess I hadn't been in a position where I had no money and had so much responsibility at the same time. You know, like I have my apartment, I have my car, that's crazy expensive car payment, I have my dog. And so I just kind of started to unravel and I started to get really depressed, and I started to get really anxious. Like I've never been so anxious in my life. Used to smoke weed every day, had to stop smoking weed because I it made me so anxious, and I just like I didn't know how I was gonna make money the next month. And so I ended up going back home. My parents helped me ship my car back to New York, and then that's when I just fell into the worst depression of my life, and that lasted for a year and a half, and I would say that's the biggest of the ruptures.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

That's the big rup the person the provider who prescribed the PROZ Act, were you still in touch with them? Were they did you continue to see that? Were they man helping you manage through this? Because I know access to care was something you had brought up when we were talking.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

Oh yes, they were. I ended up like starting to see another person through that provider, um like through mindful care, and she was helpful and she helped me to get on a mood stabilizer. But anyway, I was still at the same time trying to get into a like more concrete program, which was the Stony Brook program, which I'm still using now. It's a re And the Stony Brook program is for what? Oh, the psych psychiatry. So it's uh it's a resident program. So every year I get a new doctor who's a resident, which is a little annoying, but it's fine. Finally things to teaching hospital, yeah. Finally things are are leveled out now. But yeah, so it took a long time to get into that. So eve so between when I was in LA, I was actually transitioning into using the Stony Brook psychiatry. And so I did have help, but nothing helped for a good year and a half. And I went on the That's a long and I went on a mood stabilizer in November, and that actually seemed to work okay. But with lamictal, you can get a deadly rash. There's like several deadly rashes you can get from the mood stabilizer lamictal. And I started to get like I upped the dose every week, they upped the dose 25 milligrams, and once I got to the 100 milligrams, I had a crazy allergic reaction. So I had to go to the hospital, and then they were like, okay, let's not do the lamyctal. And what's crazy is that through that year and a half I tried, I don't know how many, at least a dozen different medications, but probably more, like a different combination, and nothing worked until I was the one to say, you know what? I feel like lamicta will work if we start on a low dose and s and like go up very gradually. And that ended up being the one thing.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

So you may you basically had to figure it out. That's not the first time we've heard a story like that about people figuring out their own medical needs because the providers are just not getting there. They're too busy. I mean, to be honest, they don't have the time that that we would like them to. Okay, so you're in this year and a half. Are you working during this period? Like when I was doing online sex work.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

I was doing OnlyFans from the I start that's what I was doing during the pandemic, because it was kind of an easy transition. A lot of Suicide Girls, it's like an alternative modeling company. You know, they have a website with naked modeling. So I kind of was the easy transition, and all my friends were like, just do this, it's easy. And I made a actually made more money than I ever made in my life during my the pandemic. So I was surviving pretty great, and then I was making a little bit of money here doing comedy. And so yeah, at that time, and but then it kind of started to peter out. You know, people don't have as much money money as they had, everybody's back to work, everybody's going out again, you know, so like it kind of just petered out. I wasn't making as much money.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

Right.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

So that's how I was surviving, but then I was barely surviving. So then I had tried to get a few jobs, and that was the whole thing for that year and a half as well, until I finally got the job that I would have.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Where and where are you emotionally at this time? Like, what happens to your identity? One of the things that a lot of people talk about in rupture is, you know, when I asked the question, what was the first system that broke? Some people say it was the medical system, some people it's the work system, but most people say it's identity. That was the first thing they lost when they're lo when they went through either a rupture or in your case, like a series of rupture.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Definitely lost my identity because my whole identity since I have even since I've been in high school was to be a performer. So then I'm not performing. I feel like, you know, I'm not performing and I'm not succeeding. And I just felt like a complete failure. But I was like, I cannot even describe, like, even now being out of the depression, I can't even understand fully what I felt like back then. Like I feel like no like I could never before that understand when somebody would say, I was so depressed, I was so depressed. I could never truly understand it until now where I could not get out of bed. Like, literally, I spent full days in bed. I did not eat because I was so I was so afraid of not having enough money that I was like, I don't have money to eat. Like, which is ridiculous, but I've literally barely ate. I remember having my therapist sessions via telehealth and literally laying down in my bed, like not being able to sit up, and the therapist being like, just can you just sit up? And me being like, No, I can't, and just feeling completely hopeless. I I just yeah, I definitely lost my sense of identity. I lost who I was, and I felt like a complete failure. I just felt like I was a nuisance, I felt like I was a burden to my family. I just wanted to die. I literally just wanted to die.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Is this about time when you started looking into self-help?

SPEAKER_02 18:37

Self-help has been happening for me since like 2009. So I've been big in the self-help game for like a really long time. And so that's a whole other conversation about, you know, people being predatory. I definitely well, it's it's actually part of this conversation too, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Because and I would love you to talk about it a little bit because it is its own kind of rupture. And it also goes to something we talk about a lot on this podcast and this project, which is sort of the this society has this belief that everyone should recover on schedule, right? And and if you can't, like sort of the five stages of the 10 steps. I mean, I felt that with you know with a TBI, which is an invisible injury, right? It goes on forever and ever and ever, people are always like, well, aren't you better yet? Like you have to put real time aren't defined by now. And it's it's this it's it's we have a recovery culture. We also have a culture of toxic positivity and this sort of belief that if you haven't recovered on that timeline, some of it would do evolved. I mean, I know I was made to feel that with a brain injury, but I think you had uh some experience like that too, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:39

You're like you're absolutely right. Hitting the nail in the head because it's capitalism. Like who does it serve for us to get better on a certain timeline? The people who are making the most money, you know, like they just want you to get back to work, forget about it, you know. It doesn't matter what happened to you. If you're not working in the system, then you're a failure. Right, you have no value. You have no value and you and you should feel like a failure and you should feel and you should feel bad about it. Yeah, so of course, you know, I luckily I do have a really good support system. My family was very supportive, my friends were supportive, you know, they they didn't know what happened to me. They were like, we didn't know, like there it was just like I was completely changed, a completely different person. I hadn't like I can't even describe how I hadn't like I'm a very like animated person. I had no personality, like my face was dull. I was like literally flat. Like I literally just felt like a zombie moving through life.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

How did you we don't want to talk about the systems that failed in a second, but how did you get out of that pressive spiral you were saying?

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Just continuing to try. And I did end up like I wanted to kill myself so bad to the point where I ended up putting myself in the psych ward because my doctor didn't know what else to do. Basically, she I think she just didn't want me to kill myself, so she just was like, Well, here's your the last option I can offer, which is to put yourself in the psych board, which terrible decision in my opinion. Like, did not help me at all. What was that like? It was horrifying because you know, I think we've talked about this before how there used to be mental institutions and those weren't great either, but then they got rid of them and they didn't replace them with a better system. So now we have prison or we Yeah, prison group bombs or the streets or a tiny fraction of the hospital that is not well equipped, understaffed not not well equipped, understaffed. They don't even let you go outside. Like, what's the number one thing for your like mental health? Being in nature. Like being in nature, which was one of the biggest things that helped me, I think, is being in nature and walking, lots of walking. But the psych ward was horrifying. You know, you're on this like tiny, shitty, like the worst quality mattress, you know. You don't even have privacy in the bathroom. You share a bathroom with four people, and it's like uh it's like a gym mat as the door. The people in there didn't treat me great. You know, they were okay, but like I remember feeling that the attendants were kind of assholes. Of course, you're dealing with a lot of mentally ill people, so there's so there's a lot of different horrors that you see in that sense. And my roommate thought that it was a mistake that she was in there. She didn't even believe that she was supposed to be in there. And she thought that the hospital accidentally transferred her there. Like that was a little she had a big leg injury, and that was a whole other thing. You know, the food was terrible. But to me, the biggest thing was you only have a hallway to walk, and that's it. Like that's like how is that gonna help your mental health when you can't even go outside? Like, that's to me, anybody would get worse being in there. Unless you're like, you know, in a schizophrenic episode and you really need people to really like I'm sure I know that it helps some people in some ways, but I also feel like it's extremely flawed. And for me, there was no way it was gonna help me. So I basically just lied. They switched up my medicine. That was like the big thing. It's like, okay, it when you're in the hospital, you can switch your medicine quicker and they can work with you like day to day. So they switched my medicine. I did not feel better, but I just lied and said I felt better because I wanted to get out of there. So I was in there for six days and then um got myself out of there and was still struggling for another almost definitely getting a job and having more of a routine. That was because I and I think that this is something that most people are in America are struggling with right now, too, is because not having financial stability is one of the biggest stressors in life. So of course you're gonna easily get depressed. So that was I think the biggest part of it all. And so I had tried a couple jobs, and it was actually right before I got went into the psych ward. I had gotten hired. I tried working at Trader Joe's, I hated it. I got hired at a salon and then as a receptionist, which I've I've been a hairdresser for years, but I don't want to do it anymore. But I was like, okay, I could get back into the salons starting as a receptionist, so I got hired at a job, but it wasn't a good fit, and they fired me that day. Like after, like they let me work, they let me leave, and then they were like, they paid me for the day, which I guess because they decided they weren't gonna use me. And then the manager called me, Oh, how was your first day? How was it going? Da-da-da. Okay, well, we're gonna go a different direction, and blah blah. So that was the day that I the next day I decided I was going to the psych ward. But I actually had gotten hired for my current job right before the psych ward. I had my first interview knowing I was going into psych ward. I got two jobs. I was working just as an usher at a theater in my town, and then I also got my job, which is working for a nonprofit with people with diff developmental disabilities. And I got into that job because a friend of mine was like, has been doing it for 10 years, and she was like, Oh, you'd be great at this. So luckily, thank God for my one participant who hired me. We had a like Tilla, you know, Zoom, a Zoom interview. So I actually I said, Okay, I'm going to be in the hospital. I'm not sure for how long, you know, maybe a couple weeks, but I can start in a few weeks. So that's so that was another big part of it, just having a routine, having a job that actually feels purposeful, you know, not like I would not. I mean, I'm sure plenty of people feel fulfilled at Trader Joe's and you're nourishing people, you're feeding people. Every every job is important, but but that one just wasn't for you. That's okay. It just wasn't for you. And uh so so it took a while though for me to even become full-time at this job. So I was still struggling for a while there, wanting to work full-time, not being able to. I had to get more participants, I had to figure out the schedules and work it out. So it took me until from November 2023 until April 2025 to become full-time. So I was struggling really bad financially then. So it was, I would say, though, it took me from November 2023 to May 2024 is when I started to finally come out of it. And it was like several things at once, so it's hard to pinpoint, but I was purposely trying to walk more. And literally, like I love to look at my pedometer on my phone. Like the year that I was so depressed, I walked less than a mile a day. So I just started to like every year, and then I got up to like two miles and 2.5. Now I'm up to three to four miles average a day. And being in nature, being in nature, I'm walking. Luckily, with my job, I'm able to take my participants to go for walks and be in nature all the time. So that's been I've been really yeah, I've been really lucky that that's that I've been able to do that while I'm on the clock. Because who has the time? Everything is so hard to to do on a 40-hour work week, but definitely getting the job and being more consistent with that, but also just getting I got on l'amixal in May of 2024, but I also got on birth control because I was severely anemic, probably because I didn't eat, but I also had like terribly heavy periods. So I had to get iron infusions. Um, and they were like, Well, if we put you on this birth control shot, you won't get your period anymore, or it'll be super light. So they did that, and I think that was one of the key elements as well, which treated the premenstrual dysphoric disorder. So that plus lamicdal at the same time, and then also just starting to walk more. At least going to yoga once a week. Now now I'm going to yoga and Pilates three to five times a week, but like it took me a long time to get there, yeah. So yoga, meditation. I know it sounds like you know, it's a little bit it's it's all the basic stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Works. I mean the bas the basic stuff works. It's it's really true. Okay, wait. So we had a whole series of ruptures. I mean, no question. It was like rupture after rupture after rupture. So in terms of like the systems that weren't there for you, the systems' failures, like because you had mentioned to be the access to care problem. So when when did that happen?

SPEAKER_02 27:39

And then you're Yeah, that was you know, when I first got on the Prozac, I guess. That was then. And then and even just finding finding a therapist in the first place was super hard. I ended up like being able to find my therapist through an emplo employee assistance program because my brother's a librarian. So I was able to do that through his yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Right, but you had to find a workaround, right? That that's a that's a failed system. If you if the only way you can get someone is with this kind of workaround, then that's a BS system.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

What about the recovery industry? Can you f because that was what we talked about when we were catching up a few weeks ago, right? Like the whole idea that you didn't get better through the program, it wasn't the program's fault. It was kind of your fault. Kind of like giving me like the self-help stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:23

Yeah, so that's that's like uh during yeah, exactly. During before the ruptures, I had been really into like manifesting and um all this woo-woo stuff. And I was definitely pressured by predatory companies to like it, it was basically if you don't invest this money in yourself, like if you don't sign up for these thousand dollar classes, you're just afraid that you're gonna fail. But if you follow the, like you said, if you follow the classes, if you do everything we tell you to do, there's no way you're gonna fail. You're gonna wake make way more money. You're gonna make so much money that this the $7,000 is gonna seem like trump change to you. So they they they fear monger you into signing up for these programs, saying, you know, there's no way if as long as you do everything we say you're to do, there's no way you're gonna fail. So this $7,000 is nothing. And I was making okay money, but not enough for me to be spending a thousand dollars a month on a program. And and I was fear-mongered into it because I remember if something doesn't feel good to you, trust your gut. Because I remember feel having a feeling of like, you know, because they give you all these free classes, they reel you in with the free classes and then say, Oh, but we have more information. They just give you the same information that they give you in the free class, just more like, you know, spread out in different ways and over and over again, whatever. But and and some of this information can be valuable and it can help a lot of people, but you don't need to spend thousands of dollars to ask.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

That's right, that's predatory, right? That that's kind of a scam.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

It was so crazy.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Oh, that is that is so awful that like when you are so vulnerable already to then be treated that way by a predatory or I mean that's level.

SPEAKER_02 30:03

Exactly who they go after is the people who are vulnerable, the people who have no money, who are like on their last leg. What like what can I do to succeed? And they're like, Oh, just follow this program and you'll be great. So, like, how many people are in debt because of these programs because you know, or totally screwed over or have to go bankrupt? I did have to go bankrupt. I was gonna say, did you were you able to pay them back? Like what happened to you with all the money you now owed them? Well, no, I did. I that wasn't even an option of owing them. You had to pay them. So I paid them every month, and that was it was it was a year after I finished paying that that I started to go like to have less money. Like at that time, I had less bills. I was staying at my parents' house still. Right. I had just gotten my car, so I wasn't paying rent. So I was able to afford to pay them at that time. But that and a series of other things, you know, led me to having less and less money and putting more and more stuff on my credit card. I think I put some of the payments on my credit card, and I had a lot of like I had really great credit actually. And during the pandemic, I actually fixed I had great credit, like as far as the credit score, but I owed a lot of money. I paid it all off during the pandemic, bought my car, like I was really in a good spot. But then slowly but surely it starts creeping up and you put more and more stuff on your credit card. And now I've got $30,000 worth of credit. No, I I think I had $45,000 worth of credit cards, but then owed almost $30,000. Uh and and then when I'm manic, that's a part of being manic too, is that you spend money like it's not so I just bought everything, you know. I remember I remember a waiter being rude to me, so I spitefully tipped him $100.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Oh like to be like, fuck you, here's a hundred dollars. Oh you. Here's a giant tip. That's hysterical. That's hysterical. It's really just really interesting talking to you. One of the things that that you and I had talked about was this whole idea that you have to pull your up like that that the some of these organizations were telling you you have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. That's that's BS, right? And that's what society tells you. That's what society tells you. It's like figure it out, get better. But what you're saying is, no, actually, you needed the friends, you needed the family, you needed a job, you needed nature. There are things that and they all sound basic, but they're important and they're not always in place. Those are all the things that needed to be in place for you to emerge up from the other on the other side of this, right? I think that was your ministry too. I think we made you we're gonna give you the ministry of Bootstraps BS.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Yes, yes. I was trying to remember what it was. I have it, I have it.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Well, for anybody who doesn't know, everyone every guest gets their own ministry in Best Gas Stan, but yours is the ministry of Bootstraps BS, because no story makes the BS clearer than yours. It really is BS.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

Oh and oh sorry. I was just gonna say it, you know, it's it's the capitalism mind frame. And the more I learn about it, it's like, like you said, we need a support system. We need our family and friends, but we're taught through capitalism that, you know, you become your own family unit, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, separate the family, you know. So it's just, you know, of course, yeah, we still have family, but like we're separated, we have no time for each other. Like I have very few little time for my friends and family now. And it serves the people at the top for us to not work together, for us to not have our support systems.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

You know what I mean? Do I do? Okay, so that that leads me to probably my last big question, which is you give every guest a m what we call the magic whiteboard. You have a whiteboard, you have markers who have no limitations. Okay, nobody can tell you no. And what you can do with whiteboard is pick any system that failed you during this really amazing Odyssey you've been on. What would you do to change it? Do you want to change how quickly you could have gotten to a therapist or a better system for management or a better healthcare system that would have supported you? Like just pick anything that you think would have made a difference and how would you change it?

SPEAKER_02 33:47

Yeah, all of that. Honestly, I would I would start at the root, which the root is capitalism. I would start with, first of all, we're the only first world country that doesn't have, you know, ed free education. Universal health care. Yeah. Universal healthcare, healthcare, free education, childcare. So I would start with that. Like that once those are in place, like everybody does better, right?

SPEAKER_01 34:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:11

And also for everybody to be paid a livable wage. Like if I had been making enough money to survive, I don't think I would have gone through the depression that I went through. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

I think you're right. I think you the the system you are calling attention to that does need to be fixed is exactly what you said. It's capitalism. Right? Because capitalism rewards the individual, not the group. There are a million things that led to where you found yourself. And you're right. Like if we if we had a better social safety net, if there was a living wage, if there was universal basic income. There are lots of ways of fixing these things. We just have to have the political will, the power to do it.

SPEAKER_02 34:44

And then, like you said, that goes that like that tangents out to the the healthcare system. Like if every you know, like and you said the doctors don't even have enough time. It's not even the doctor's fault that they're back to back, they don't have enough time for care, you know, everybody's understaffed. I think that if everybody was paid better and everybody had free education, we'd probably have more doctors, you know?

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Well, and if we had a system where the insurance industry didn't have as much cloud, I mean the reason doctors can only do 15-minute visits is because the insurance companies are like, that's what you have to do. You have to be booked every 15 minutes. And they don't I mean, it isn't it isn't the provider's fault. It's the systems that they're in. And and I you know, you get to the whole, why is insurance a for-profit industry, which is crazy, right? When just even think about it. It's a very capitalism at the road. I think you're 100% right. Thank you so much for having the story. I I think this is really going to benefit a lot of people. And our rupture is different. Yours is as different as any other one could be. Um, it was sort of multi-factor, right? You had a lot, a lot of things going on. It wasn't one rupture, but like it was this series. I I I just I have to hand it to you the fact that you I mean you you're still here and you found a way to come out of it and be stronger, healthier more yourself than you are in all those dark years. And like that's an amazing thing to have been able to accomplish. And now you're helping people you've been helping people with autism. I mean, like you're spending your time the best possible way. So, like, thank you. Thank you for doing what you do today.

SPEAKER_02 36:09

Thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Thanks for joining us for this week's episode of Rupture, the world of best guests. Today we featured Lindsay Jennings and we talked about her cascading rupture. To hear more of our stories and to support our work, please subscribe to us here on YouTube. See you next time.