Validation at Work: Why We Crave It and What It Costs Us

Why do we seek validation at work, and what happens when our sense of worth starts living in other people’s hands? 

In this episode, I unpack the very human desire for recognition in the workplace and explore why so many capable women can still find themselves looking outside themselves for reassurance, approval and proof that they are enough. 

We talk about confidence at work, self-worth, belonging, feedback, leadership and the hidden cost of needing too much validation from colleagues, managers or peers. 

If you have ever felt thrown by silence, praise, criticism or the absence of recognition, this episode will give you plenty to think about and a gentler, steadier way to understand yourself. 

If you wish to go deeper, CLICK HERE for The Soft Strength Salon.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Hello, welcome or welcome back. I'm Janelle Ryan. So happy you chose to join me today. Let's dive in. Today I want to talk about something so many of us do at work, often without even realizing it. We look for validation from our boss, our colleagues, or our peers, or all of the above. We want to know we're doing well. We want to feel seen. We want to feel valued. Of course we do. That longing is deeply human. We are wired for connection, for belonging, for reassurance that we matter. And in the workplace, validation can feel especially powerful because work is not only where we earn money. For many people, it's where identity gets tangled up to. It's where capability, contribution, and self-worth can all end up in the same basket. So when someone acknowledges us, praises us, or recognizes for what we've done, or recognizes what we have done, that's probably better grammar. It can land as more than a nice moment. It can feel like proof that we're good, that we're safe, that we're included, that we're enough. That's why we seek it. Partly because we want to belong. When our efforts are noticed, it can feel like social acceptance. Woohoo! A kind of confirmation that we're part of the team, that we fit, that we're not on the outside looking in. Partly because it affirms our competence. A kind word from a manager or appreciation from a colleague can reassure us that we are meeting expectations, we're doing a good job, we're on the right track. That feels amazing too. And partly because for many people, work has become one of the places they go to feel good about themselves. So when validation comes, it can give our self-esteem a really good lift. It can make us feel valuable and it can make us feel like what we do matters through the party. So let's be clear: validation isn't all bad. It can be beautiful, it can motivate us, it can energize us, it can deepen job satisfaction, it can help people feel appreciated and connected. And in a healthy team, genuine, genuine recognition can strengthen trust and create a culture where people feel supported and not invisible. But this is where it gets interesting, my friend, because there is a difference between enjoying validation and depending on validation. When validation becomes something we need in order to feel steady, we start handing too much of our power away. Our confidence rises, falls on someone else's facial expression, tone of voice, email reply, or their lack of praise. If approval comes, we feel really good, woo-hoo. If it doesn't, uh-oh. We wobble, we second guess ourselves, we overthink, and we may even start working harder to earn back a feeling that was never meant to live in someone else's hands. That's where it can start to cost us. It can create stress and anxiety, it can chip away at self-trust, it can make us more sensitive to silence than we need to be. And over time, it can also reduce our motivation because we stop doing things for the satisfaction of doing them well, or even for the meaning of the work itself. And we start doing them for the gold star. Hmm. And in some workplaces, when everybody's hungry for approval, uh-oh, it can create politics and competition too. And people become more focused on looking good than being real, more focused on being chosen than contributing well, more focused on perception than truth. And you and I both know that is never where our best work lives. So what do we do instead? Well, we learn how to validate ourselves, right? And not in a performative affirmation on the mirror kind of way, unless it's your thing. If that's your thing, go do it, knock yourself out. What I'm talking about today is I mean in a deeper, steadier way, the kind of way where you know how to recognize your own effort, your own growth, your own courage, your own value without needing someone else to confirm it first. You learn to say, I handled that well, I was brave there, I know what I bring, I know where I'm growing, I know my value doesn't disappear just because no one mentioned it today. That kind of self-validation changes something. It also helps to shift from seeking validation to seeking constructive feedback, and they're not the same. Validation is often about reassurance, feedback is about growth. One says, tell me I'm okay. The other says, help me become better, I want to learn. And that, oh my gosh, is a much more powerful question. It also helps to keep your eyes on your own development. What am I learning? What am I strengthening? What am I becoming more capable of? Because confidence built on evidence is far steadier, far powerful, far anchoring than confidence built on praise. And yes, my friend, the people around you matter. A healthy support network matters. Colleagues, mentors, friends, family members who are supportive, coaches, people who can encourage you, reflect your strengths back to you, and also tell you the truth when it's required. Not people who keep you dependent, but people who help you come home to yourself. People who, you know, help you expand into the next best version of you. And then there's self-awareness, beautiful, powerful self-awareness. The kind that notices when someone's opinion has too much influence over how you feel. The kind that lets you pause and ask, what am I actually really needing right now? Approval, safety, belonging, reassurance. Because often, underneath the search for validation, there's something even more tender waiting to be seen. So, yes, seeking validation in the workplace is absolutely natural, it's human, it's normal. But over-relying on it can quietly erode your confidence, your peace, and your power. And we don't want that. Imagine instead becoming someone who appreciates praise but doesn't require it. Someone who welcomes feedback but isn't crushed by it if it's not exactly what you wanted to hear or expected to hear. Someone who can hear another person's opinion without abandoning their own center. How would that change the way you work? How would it change the way you speak? How would it change the decisions you make, the opportunities you go for, the conversations you're willing to have? And beyond work, how would it change your life? Because this is never only about the work. It is about how you live, how you love, how you lead, how you hold yourself when nobody is clapping, nobody is cheering, nobody is reassuring you, and you still choose to stand in your own worth. That is why this matters. And at some point, the question to yourself stops being why do I seek validation? And becomes what would it look like to trust myself more deeply than that? So maybe that's something to sit with after this episode. You may wish to ask yourself one or all of the following questions. Where am I still looking outside myself for permission? Where am I allowing somebody else's opinion to decide how solid and confident I feel? What would become possible if I no longer needed quite so much reassurance in order to speak, move, choose, or lead? I invite you to allow those questions to stay with you. And after the episode, you might want to grab your journal and write down whatever came up for you, whatever insights you had. And think about what you are going to do with that information. What action might you take now? Now, if this conversation has felt personal, if it's named something you're ready to change, and you know you want support to go further into this work, then I would love to invite you to consider my soft strength salon. Because that is exactly the kind of work we do there. This salon is for intelligent women who are ready to stop editing themselves and start speaking, leading, and living with quiet, unshakable strength. It is where we deepen this work, where we build real self-trust, where we strengthen your voice, your presence, your courage, and your capacity to hold your ground without armor and without wobbling. So if something in this conversation is spoken to you, if you're tired of your confidence being at the mercy of someone else's opinion, and you're ready to build something steadier within yourself, I would love you to consider the soft strength salon. Because there is another way to live and lead, and you don't have to find it on your own. We're going to pop a link in the show notes. If you're interested, you can click through and you can read all about it. If it interests you and you would like to have a conversation, I would love that too. Until next time, continue expanding, creating, and leading. And I look forward to joining you again on the airwaves or next time we see each other. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye.