How to Make More Money Without Negotiating Against Yourself

Have you ever walked into a money conversation knowing what you wanted to ask for, then heard yourself ask for less?

Maybe it was a salary conversation. Maybe it was a fee. Maybe it was a proposal, a scope change, a promotion conversation, or that “quick extra thing” that quietly became part of the job.

In this episode of Sky High Coaching Conversations, Janelle Ryan explores one of the most expensive patterns many intelligent women carry: making the ask smaller before anyone else has even responded.

This is not about becoming pushy, arrogant or demanding. It is about learning to stay with yourself when money, value, visibility and courage are on the table.

Because making more money is not only about market rates, pricing, salary bands or negotiation strategy. It is also about the woman making the ask.

Can she say the number she actually wants?

Can she let someone consider it without rescuing them?

Can she stop making the money conversation easier for everyone except herself?

If you have ever softened a fee, reduced a salary request, added more for free, or said “I’m flexible” before anyone asked you to be, this episode will speak directly to you.

You will also hear a practical tool you can use before your next money conversation, so you can prepare not only the numbers, but yourself to hold them.

Complimentary Resource

Download The Unshakeable Woman Blueprint, a resource to help you build more courage, clarity and confidence when asking for what you want, including money, recognition, support, opportunity and boundaries. It's our gift to you. 

The Soft Strength Salon

If this episode has stirred something deeper, and you know this pattern of softening, shrinking, over-explaining or asking for less has been costing you in your work, business, leadership or life, The Soft Strength Salon may be the next room for you.

Read more and apply for a no-obligation call HERE.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Sky High Coaching Conversations. I'm Janelle Ryan and I'm so happy you're here. As always, listen along, notice what comes up for you, then later you can decide what you'd like to do with that insight. Today I'm sharing a tool with you, so you may wish to grab something to write on and with, so you can note it down if it's handy. Let's dive in. Today I want to share something with you. A client told me once that I have never forgotten. A professional woman, she was preparing for a salary conversation, and she knew the amount she wanted. It wasn't outrageous. It wasn't pulled from the sky after two glasses of wine and a sudden burst of self-belief. It was considered, it was fair, and it was connected to the responsibility she was already carrying and the value she was already bringing. But when the moment came, she asked for less. Not because she changed her mind, not because she suddenly decided the original number was too high, not because she uncovered some compelling new market data while walking from her desk to the meeting room. She asked for less because she wanted to make it easier for her boss to say yes. And there it is. The tiny expensive moment. The moment a woman negotiates against herself before anyone else has even opened their mouth. I have seen some version of this play out so many times. I was actually in a conversation with a client about this this morning. I've seen it play out with professionals, entrepreneurs, business owners, consultants, leaders, with women who are brilliant at what they do, but far less practiced at holding the full weight of what their work is worth. The professional asks for the small arrays so the conversation feels more reasonable. The entrepreneur lowers the fee before the clients even questioned it. The consultant adds another inclusion so the proposal feels easier to approve. The emerging leader, well, she accepts the extra responsibility without the matching conversation about title, support, pay, or recognition. The business owner, she says, but I'm flexible before anyone's even asked her to be. And everyone breathes a little easier. Except her. Because somewhere inside that exchange, money has been left on the table. Sometimes hundreds, sometimes thousands, sometimes far more than that across the course of a career, a business, a year, or a life. And this is why I want to talk about money today. Not in a cold, spreadsheety kind of way. Not in a, hey, just charge your worth queen way, which honestly is not going to be helpful when your heart feels like it's beating out of your chest and you're sitting opposite your boss, your client, your board, your team, your partner, or a potential buyer. Today I want to talk about the moment before the money conversation. Because very often that is where the money changes. Before the proposal is sent, before the salary conversation, before the invoice, before the negotiation, before the boundary, before the new responsibility is accepted, before the extra work is quietly absorbed, because it seems easier than naming what it will actually require. Because here's the thing most intelligent women know. They know the fee should be higher. They know the role has grown. They know the quick extra thing isn't quick. And it's not really extra anymore. They know the value is there, they know what they want to ask for. But then something in them starts trying to protect the other person from the ask. They think about their budget, their pressure, their reaction, their approval process. Whether they will think she's greedy, difficult, demanding, unrealistic, too expensive, too bold, too much. She imagines the no before it's arrived. And then she quietly adjusts herself to avoid it. And this is one of the ways women make less money in very polished, socially acceptable ways. Not because they're not talented, not because they're not working hard and smart, not because they're not valuable. Very often it's because they've become so good at considering everyone else that their own value becomes the first thing to move. I really encourage you to hear this clearly, my beautiful friend. A woman can be astonishingly impressive and still under-asked. She can be trusted, loved, respected, recommended, and deeply valued, and still make the money conversation smaller than the work requires. Now let's be clear: this isn't about becoming arrogant. It's not about charging wildly, demanding endlessly, or marching into conversations with a clipboard and the emotional range of a toddler having a tantrum. No one's asking you to become a tyrant with a payment link. This is about something far more powerful. It's about learning to stay with yourself when the ask becomes real. Because money is really only about money. It's about value, about voice, it's about standards. It's about whether you can let someone consider your ask without rushing in to make it smaller, softer, easier, prettier, more convenient, less confronting, or more palatable for them. It's about whether you can hold the number you actually want long enough to say it and then let it exist in the room. And that last part is really important because for a lot of women the ask is not the hardest part. The hardest part is the space after the ask, the breath after the number, the silence after the sentence, the moment when the other person is thinking, and you're tempted to leap in and rescue them from their own pause. So you say something like, but I'm flexible. Of course we can discuss it. I know budgets are tight. I'm happy to work with what you have. I can take something out. We can start smaller. I don't want this to be a problem. And suddenly the ask you prepared is no longer the ask you made. So today I want to give you something practical. A tool you can use before a money conversation, a fee conversation, a salary conversation, a boundary conversation, or any conversation where you are asking for more. And I call it the full ask practice. And it has three parts. Part one, we name the real ask. So before you have the conversation, write down the actual amount, the boundary, the title, the support, the fee, the package, or the condition that you want to ask for. Not the softened version, not the more reasonable version, not the version you think they'll approve. The real one. The one you keep circling back to before you start worrying about everyone else's feelings. Write it down in one clean sentence. So it'll look something like I am asking for a salary of S X. My fee for this project is X. For this additional responsibility, I would like to discuss title, pay, and support. This work falls outside the original scope, and the additional fee is X. This is not something I can absorb inside the current arrangement. These are clean, clear, and calm. No essay, no apology, no emotional garnish. Right. Part two, we gather the evidence. So this is where we move away from the swirl or the chatter in your head and into the truth of what is actually happening. Write down three to five pieces of evidence that support your ask. They might be something like the responsibility you're carrying, the results you've created, the revenue savings growth or stability your work contributes to, the scope that's expanded, the complexity you're managing, the leadership you're providing, the time, energy, thinking, care, and expertise required. Now, the aim of this is to help you remember that your ask is connected to something real. Because when you're in the moment and your body gets activated, when it gets emotional, the mind can suddenly forget. You walk into the conversation knowing exactly why the ask is bare, and then all it takes is one raised eyebrow or a tiny pause from the other person, and you think, oh my goodness, who do I think I am? So gather the evidence before you go in, not to armor yourself, to anchor yourself. Part three is to find the rescue sentence. So this is a sentence you're most likely to use to make the other person more comfortable. And you may already have an idea of what that is. You may have used it before. For some women, it is something like, but I'm flexible. For others, it's only if it works for you. Or I completely understand if that's too much. Or we can absolutely do less. Or, well, I don't want to be difficult. Or I'm happy either way. And look, there's something I want to be really clear about, or clear around, I want to make clear, I want to be clear about right here. Sometimes flexibility is appropriate. I can be very flexible in my proposals in sky high coaching. Sometimes negotiation is absolutely appropriate. Sometimes there is a genuine conversation to be had. But there is a very big difference between choosing flexibility and offering it because you can't tolerate the discomfort of silence while the other person considers your proposal or rate. That is the distinction. So before the conversation, write down the rescue sentence you are most likely to use, then decide what you'll say instead. So here's some examples. I'm open to discussing the structure, but the amount I'm asking for is X. I'm happy to talk through the scope, but I don't want to reduce the value of the work. I understand you may need to consider this. Or simply, I'll pause here. And that's a really beautiful sentence. Because everyone knows the lay of the land. Everyone knows where we're at. I'll pause here. Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can do after making an ask is to stop talking. You might not even say, I'll pause here. You may just stop talking. Not forever. We're not talking turning this into an awkward hostage situation. But long enough to let the ask land. We have to give the other person time to think. Long enough to stop rescuing them from the perfectly normal experience of having to consider what your work, leadership, thinking, care, time, or responsibility actually costs. Enough time for them to think about what you've just actually asked for. So, my beautiful friend, that's the tool. The full ask practice. One, name the real ask. Two, gather the evidence. Three, find the rescue sentence and choose what you'll say instead. And I would like to add one more little practice, especially if money conversations tend to bring up a lot for you. Say the number out loud before the meeting. And not once, not twice, several times. Say it while you're walking around the house. Say it in the car. Say it while you're making a cup of tea. Say it in a silly voice or a cartoon voice or a funny voice. Say it until your body stops reacting to it. Say it until it just rolls off your tongue without you even thinking about it. Practice hearing your own ask. Practice letting the number come out of your mouth without immediately feeling like or actually apologizing for it. Because making more money is not only about strategy or pricing or salary bans or packages or qualifications or experience or negotiations and market rates. Although all of these things are important and they matter. Can she recognize the value before she asks someone else to recognize it? Can she say the number she actually wants? Can she let the other person respond without rescuing them? Can she hear no without deciding she was foolish to ask? Can she hear yes without immediately adding more to prove she deserves it? Can she stop making the money conversation easier for everyone except herself? This is where more money often begins. In the moment she stops making the R smaller so someone else can feel more comfortable saying yes. Because when you stop reducing your own value before anyone else has even responded, you give yourself a real chance of receiving more. Not because money is everything, but because if you are helping create the value, you are allowed to receive more of it, a real slice of the pie. Not the polite little slither you ask for because it makes everyone else more comfortable. So here is what I would love you to take from this episode. Before your next money conversation, don't only prepare the numbers. Prepare yourself to hold them. Prepare the ask, prepare the evidence, prepare for the pause, prepare for the part of you that wants to make it easier for them. And practice staying with yourself for just a little longer than you usually would. Then notice how something begins to shift for you. And have fun with it. Always have fun. Remember, life is meant to be fun, it's meant to be play. So have a play with this. Now, I've also popped a link in the show notes to the Unshakable Woman Blueprint. It's a complimentary resource I created to help you feel more courageous and clear when you're asking for what you want. And that includes money. If you know this is not only about one conversation for you, if you know this pattern of softening, shrinking, overexplaining, rescuing, or asking for less has been costing you in your work, your business, your leadership, or your life, then the soft strength salon may be a beautiful next room for you. I love the salon so much. Inside the salon, we work with the woman behind the ask. Her voice, her standards, her courage, her ability to stay present when visibility, value, money, and power are on the table. There's a link in the show notes where you can read more and apply for a no-obligation call with me. As always, we'll simply meet, have a conversation, and decide between us whether the salon is the right room for you right now. Until next time, thanks for being here. Continue expanding your mind to new ways of thinking so you can create whatever it is you wish, then lead and inspire others. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye.