How Your Thoughts Shape Your Life Without You Realising It

You probably think you know what is influencing your choices. The obvious worries. The familiar doubts. The thoughts that tell you to wait, stay quiet, prepare a little longer or assume something probably won't work.

But what about the thoughts that pass through so quickly you barely notice them?

In this episode of Sky High Coaching Conversations, Janelle explores the surprising connection between your thoughts and a teabag, and how an ordinary thought can begin influencing what you believe is possible and what you choose to do next.

This is not another conversation about forcing yourself to think positively or policing every thought that enters your mind. It is an invitation to become curious about the thoughts you may be giving life to, especially the ones that have become so familiar they simply feel true.

Pop the kettle on and press play.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Sky High Coaching Conversations. I'm Janelle Ryan. I'm so happy you decided to join me today. And as always, I invite you, as we're meandering through this conversation today, to notice what comes up for you. And if you can take a step further, write them down. Because it's data, it's information. Note down those insights, those ahas, those ideas, those thoughts. And then when the episode is over, you can decide what you may wish to do with that information. Let's dive in. Today it's a good one. Well, they're all good ones, aren't they? Today's a good one. We're talking about your thoughts, the attention you give them, and the influence they have over the way you lead, relate, make decisions, and create your life. And we're going to be begin somewhere that you may not expect. We're going to begin with a cup of tea. If you know me, you know I am a lover of tea. I have a morning and an evening tea ritual. Each one is enhanced by two of the most beautiful teacups that have been gifted to me by two clients. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you, Kat. One is perfect for the morning. It's huge, it's round, it's sturdy, it's got a big handle, or you can wrap both your hands around the actual base. It's just so good for that strong morning tea. And the other, it's more modest in size, it's delicate, it's fine, it has its own saucer, and it has the most beautiful, intricate pattern. And it is perfect for winding down at the end of the day. Now, my morning tea gives me a moment to pause, to breathe, and set an intention for the day ahead. My evening tea gives me space to notice how I did show up that day. What was I saying to myself, to others? How did I behave? How did I act? And is there anything I'm still carrying from the day that I want to release? They also remind me of something I learned a long time ago. Thoughts are a little like tea bags, aren't they? Think about it. Without water, a teabag is simply a teabag. Not very enticing. I don't think it would be very flavorsome. I don't think anyone would really want to consume it. We give the tea its life when we add water and it starts to brew. Then we may give it a little bit more attention and add milk, sugar, or honey, changing its strength, its sweetness, and its flavor even further. And here's the thing: our thoughts can work in very much the same way. A thought may enter your mind and remain nothing more than a passing thought. On its own, it's simply something your mind has produced. It's not yet become a belief, a decision, or a fact. But when you return to it again and again, add some emotion, add some meaning, speak it aloud, maybe search for some evidence that supports it and begin making decisions from it, you give it more life. You strengthen it. So over time, what began as one thought can start shaping how you see yourself, what you believe is possible, and what you choose to do next. And this is where discernment becomes important because a thought is not necessarily the truth. I think I need to say that again. A thought is not necessarily the truth. Think about it. You don't consciously choose every thought that enters your mind, do you? This is because your mind is constantly interpreting what's happening around you, recalling earlier experiences, making comparisons, attempting to predict what may happen next, and then filtering out all the information that it thinks is not important to you and lets in what it thinks is. And sometimes it's going to offer you wisdom. Sometimes it's going to alert you to something worth paying attention to. And sometimes it's going to fill your head with warnings, worst-case scenarios, and all the reasons something might not work. So the challenge in that moment is that they all sound really convincing, right? So your mind doesn't give them a label. It doesn't say this one's wisdom, this one's fear, this one's an old belief. It just sends you thoughts. So the skill isn't to learn to ignore your thoughts, and it's not believing every one of them either. It's learning to pause long enough to recognize what kind of thought has appeared. Is this thought offering me something useful? Is it showing me something I need to understand? Or is it repeating a familiar fear, belief, or story that I've accepted so many times it now feels true? The aim isn't to become frightened of your own thinking or to monitor and correct every sentence that passes through your mind. Oh my gosh. Almost impossible and exhausting and won't work anyway because you're still giving thoughts attention that you may not want to be giving attention to. The beliefs we're formed through our experiences, our relationships, and our environments throughout our whole lives influence the thoughts that appear. And in turn, the thoughts we repeatedly give our attention to can reinforce those beliefs. It's a cycle, right? So a thought such as I'm not experienced enough to apply for that role may be connected to a belief that you must know everything before you can be taken seriously. I should be able to handle this myself. May be connected to a belief that asking for support will make you appear less competent. I'm too old to begin again. That may come from years of absorbing other people's ideas about age and success and how a life is supposed to unfold in, you know, talking quotes. And something like, I should be, I just should be grateful for what I have. Now that can sound perfectly reasonable while quietly shutting down a dream or desire that's been tap, tap, tap, tap, tapping away at you for years. A thought is not always the deepest part of what's happening, but it can offer a doorway into understanding the fears, beliefs, and patterns influencing the way you respond. Here's the thing: once a thought's been repeated often enough, it becomes familiar. And because it's familiar, it can begin to feel true. You may hear it in thoughts such as I need to be completely prepared before I speak. They'll think I'm difficult if I say what I really think. It'll be easier if I just do it myself. No one will want what I have to offer. I would do it if I had more confidence. I should be further ahead by now. Huh. My beautiful friend, perhaps you've got one of your own you can insert here. When a thought begins to feel true, it can shape your emotions, your language, and your behavior. You may begin to over-prepare, over-explain, people please, procrastinate, remain quiet, take over, avoid a conversation, abstain a situation long after you know something needs to change. The thought, I'm not ready, may stop you for applying for the role that would help you grow and expand, and you'd absolutely love. I just can't trust anyone else to do this properly. Might leave you exhausted while your team or andor your family becomes increasingly dependent on you. It's just too late. Now, that may keep you standing at the edge of a new chapter. Oh, that would be so beautiful if you stepped in. You're just watching the years pass while that desire remains. It's not going to go away. And something like, I just don't know how. Well, that can become a reason not to take the first step rather than an acknowledgement that most beginnings, you know this to be true, contain something we haven't worked out yet. Now, let's slow down here, because this is something important. This doesn't mean that every circumstance in your life has been created by your thoughts. We live on a planet with other people, right? And those other people make decisions. Organizations have cultures, structures, and politics. Relationships are complex. You don't need me to tell you that. And you don't need me to tell you the next piece either. Life can surprise us in ways we never would have chosen. But the meaning you give to what happens and the language you use to describe it, and the thoughts you continue to brew, all influence how you meet it. Your inner world isn't the only thing shaping your life, but it has a powerful influence on what you believe is available to you and what you do next. This is also why being told to think more positively, again in air quotes, rarely creates meaningful change on its own. You can place a positive statement over an old belief, but if the new words don't feel true, another part of you immediately rejects them. So you can stand in front of a mirror saying, I'm confident and successful, while that quieter voice responds, have you have, you know, have you have this ever happened with you? No, you're not. Have you ever stood in front of a mirror saying, I'm confident and successful, and then hear that quieter voice say, No, you're not. It's not going to work. Because creating change isn't about forcing yourself to think something prettier. It's about becoming more conscious of the language you're using, the beliefs underneath it, and the authority you're giving both. So instead of automatically declaring, I'm not ready, you might begin by noticing part of me thinks I'm not ready. That's interesting. Instead of I can't do this, you might change it to, I just don't know how to do this yet. And rather than, oh my gosh, I always get this wrong, you might ask yourself, okay, what actually happened this time and what would I like to do differently next time? And these aren't phrases to repeat while pretending everything's fine, they create enough space for you to hear the thought without immediately handing it control of the situation. The language you use within yourself is not neutral. Each time you say, I can't, I always, I never, this is who I am, you may be strengthening a version of yourself that was formed in a very different time of your life. And it would have served you back then. That's why it formed. So we don't fight that version of you and we don't pretend it never existed. But you may wish to understand why it formed. You might want to appreciate how it once may have tried to protect you, and then decide whether it still deserves to make your decisions. Now, when we do this work, some beliefs will soften as soon as we see them clearly. It's absolutely beautiful. Others that are deeper or you've held for much longer, they take more time, more energy, more attention, and often support. I've often needed help to recognize the beliefs and patterns that I couldn't see clearly for myself because you can't see the whole picture when you're the one in the frame. But I promise you this: from my own experience and working with my clients, there is something extraordinary about realizing that a thought you've lived by for years doesn't have to make your next decision. It's freedom. So your first thought might be automatic, but your next move doesn't have to be. So let me ask you this, my beautiful friend. What have you been adding order to? Think about a thought that's been returning lately that has held you back somehow. Where are you acting as though it's already true? What is it stopping you from asking, saying, beginning, or allowing yourself to want? And what would you rather give life to? Perhaps it's the belief that you can learn what you don't yet know. We don't know what we don't know, right? That you're allowed to speak before every detail is perfectly formed. I'm a shiny example here in this podcast. That asking for support doesn't diminish your capability. That you can be grateful for the life you've created and still desire something new. That confidence may grow because you begin rather than being something you must possess before you do. We create so much of our lives from the inside out. When we become more conscious of the thoughts, beliefs, and language shaping our choices, we gain more influence over how we lead, relate, and create what comes next. You don't have to fear the thought, you don't have to fight the thought, you don't have to pretend it never appeared. You can simply decide not to keep adding water. So, my beautiful friend, pop the kettle on and make yourself a cup of tea. And while it brews, I invite you to ask yourself, which thoughts have I been giving life to? And what would I rather give my energy and attention to now? Have fun with this, play with this, see what comes up for you, and then decide what you're going to do with that information. Now, if this episode has helped you hear yourself more clearly, I have two complementary blueprints that can help you explore what you want to give more life to next. The Unshakable Woman Blueprint is for intelligent, high-performing women who have who are, excuse me, trusted to deliver yet still find themselves over-preparing, over-explaining, or holding back in moments where she wants to feel calm, clear, and confident. Now it is called the Unshakable Woman Blueprint, but any gender is going to get value from this blueprint. Feel free to download it. Now the next one, Successful's the Warm-Up, that is for the accomplished woman who has created a successful life. And she knows, perhaps quietly, that this isn't the end of her story. But where does she start? This blueprint, or what does she do next, right? This blueprint's for you. And you're going to find links to both of them in the show notes. And now this is for you if you know the thought is only the surface of something deeper and you want to go there. The soft strength salon may be for you. It's a private space for intelligent women who are ready to stop editing themselves and speak, lead, and live with quiet, unshakable strength. Oh, I love the salon so much. I've been running it for years. And the way women change, the extraordinary things they create, make my heart sing. You'll find that link in the show notes too. I'll leave you with this. Hearing the thought is a beginning. Learning to meet the moment differently is where your life begins to change. Thank you for joining me in this episode of Sky High Coaching Conversations. I'm Janelle Ryan. I'll speak with you again soon. Keep creating, expanding, and leading. And remember, you are your greatest asset. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye.