Why Personal Growth Feels Uncomfortable: Challenging Beliefs, Breaking Patterns and Creating Change

What if discomfort is not a sign to stop?

In this episode of Sky High Coaching Conversations, Janelle Ryan explores why growth can feel uncomfortable when your beliefs, stories, excuses and patterns are challenged, and when the familiar way of seeing yourself no longer holds.

She shares the client feedback that made her smile, why good coaching does not mean automatic agreement, and what can happen when someone holds up the mirror and shows you what you have not been able to see for yourself.

So how do you know when discomfort is warning you to stop, and when it is simply the feeling of stepping into something new, bigger, brighter or bolder?

That is the question at the heart of this episode.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Sky High Coaching Conversations. I'm Janelle Ryan. I'm so happy you're here. As always, I invite you to listen for your own insight, not necessarily agreement, and if you can, maybe even note down what comes up for you, and then you can decide what you wish to do with that information once the episode is over. Let's dive in. I'm starting today with a quote. I enjoyed you, Janelle, but it was not a comfortable process. This is a part of some feedback that I received from one of my most successful clients quite a few years ago now. And when I read it, I smiled and I smiled and I smiled and I smiled until my face hurt. Because I knew exactly what she meant. This particular client had brought an enormous amount of heart, soul, and courage to our coaching. She was willing to look at herself honestly, to question things she had believed for years, to have some of her assumptions challenged, some of her reasons examined, some of the things she had been absolutely convinced were true about herself, other people, her career, and what was possible for her held up to the light. And that is not always comfortable. There is a very particular kind of unease that can happen in coaching, believe me, I know, because I've been a client many times. It comes when someone doesn't automatically agree with you, doesn't immediately tell you you're right, doesn't necessarily confirm you can't do something as the end of the conversation, doesn't join you inside the story and help you decorate it. Sometimes my job is to hold up the mirror, and mirrors can be annoying, especially when they show you something you weren't expecting to see. And my client was willing to do that work. She questioned things, she recognized patterns, she made new choices, she began speaking differently, deciding differently, showing up with more courage and confidence and trust in herself. And the transformation continued well beyond our conversation. One of the very visible results was a seriously impressive career promotion. But as wonderful as that was, the promotion wasn't the most interesting part to me. The most interesting part was who she had become able to be. The promotion was an outcome. She was the transformation. And I think that distinction really matters. Because coaching, at least the way I work, is not simply about helping you get a better result. It is also about helping you see yourself, your circumstances, and your possibilities more clearly so that other results become available. And that is where some of the discomfort lives. So, another story for you. Years ago, in fact, it was about 2018, I was at an event and a woman came up and introduced herself to me and told me she knew about me. And she told me she was starting a new business and she wanted to talk to me because she thought there was an opportunity for us to work together. She had a completely different business to me. She wasn't a coach. I assume she still isn't a coach. I don't know. But I was all ears, right? Because even though I am very protective of my clients, I'm very protective of who I bring into their space. Um, I'm always very interested because it could be something that is of great value to them. So anyway, I said, sure, let's have a conversation. And we sat down, and at one point as we were chatting away, she said, I think we're a really good fit because you know, you and I, we do the same thing. And I thought, oh, do we? And um, I've either asked her, I can't remember, it was 2018. I just remember what the reply was, but I either asked her what she meant or to elaborate, or um how we did the same thing, completely different businesses, completely different professionals. And she said, I or it was the look on my face, right? And she said, You and I, we make people feel good. Hmm. Um, and I remember thinking, this conversation is about to get slightly awkward. Because no, that's not my job. Now, of course, I support my clients. I'll put your mind at rest. I have I have had clients that have been with me for years and years and years. I have clients that have come and worked with me, gone away, created more, come back and worked with me, gone away, created more, come back, you know, taken breaks. So people do come back, right? I do support my clients. And yes, I comfort them, I encourage them, I reassure them. There are days when someone arrives hurt or frightened or exhausted or angry or disappointed or they've just had a really, really bad day or dreadful week or month, right? Of course I listen. I help them anchor themselves. I remind them of what they know and who they are because they've temporarily forgotten. I celebrate them. And there are absolutely moments when I'm the person saying, You're okay, take your time and let's work through this together. But my clients don't employ me simply to make them feel good. They employ, in fact, I don't think I've ever had anyone reach out to me in 12 years and say, I'd love to work with you because I want you to help me feel good or make me feel good. I don't think that's ever happened. They employ me to help them create change. And sometimes those two things are beautifully aligned. You see something clearly and you suddenly feel lighter. You realize you have more options than you thought you had. Something that looked impossible five minutes ago now has opened up. You remember your own strength. You recognize that the decision you've been terrified to make is one you've been perfectly capable of making. Those moments feel incredible. Other times the work lands very differently. So you can tell me, I can't. I can't. And instead of agreeing, I might ask, why not? You might tell me, I'm not ready. Then I might ask, what does ready mean? You'll say, I don't have a choice. And I might say, Are you sure? You might tell me, that's just how it is. I'll ask you to show me why. You might say, I have to keep everybody happy. And I'll ask, what happens if you don't? See where we're going here. You tell me, I've always been terrible at that. And I might ask, really? Always? That can be very confronting, right? Because the statement felt finished. It had a full stop at the end of it. And now I've put a question mark there. And this is one of the reasons I think good coaching is so powerful. We all have beliefs, patterns, and programs, assumptions and explanations about who we are and how life works. Ideas about other people, ideas about what is sensible, ideas about what we should and shouldn't want, ideas about what we're capable of. And many of them have been around for so long that we no longer experience them as ideas, do we? They feel like facts. It feels like truth. I'm not confident. I'm not good with people. I've never been a leader. I'm too old to change careers. I couldn't possibly start again. Oh, I'm not someone who exercises. I have zero willpower. I'm terrible with money. I'm hopeless at making friends. I always give up. I have to be the strong one. I can't say no to my family. I can't ask for that. They would never agree. Oh, Janelle, they would never choose me. That's just who I am. Now, when you've repeated something for long enough, it starts shaping the way you see the world. Then somebody comes along and asks, is that actually true? And suddenly we're not only questioning the thought, we're looking at everything you may have built around it. Maybe you've spent 10 years not putting yourself forward because you believe you're not leadership material. Maybe you've spent 20 years saying yes to everybody because you believe being a good person means never disappointing anyone. Maybe you've avoided exercise because somewhere along the way you decided you're simply not an active person. Maybe you stop making new friends because you tell yourself everyone has their people. Maybe you stay quiet in meetings because you believe that others know more than you do. Maybe you keep explaining your decisions because you believe everyone else needs to understand them before you're allowed to trust them yourself. Maybe you keep telling yourself you're too busy for the thing you desperately want to do. And there can, of course, be very real practical restraints. My job is not to wave away reality, although I do quite like doing that sometimes. I'm not going to say, oh, that's just a limiting belief. Whenever somebody faces a genuine difficulty, that would be ridiculous. My role is to help you separate what is real from what has become familiar, fact from interpretation, a genuine limitation from an assumption, something you can't change from something you've simply never questioned. These distinctions can change everything. But something else matters enormously here. I am not the expert in my clients' lives. They are. And as much as some of them have begged me at times, Janelle, please just tell me what to do. I do not tell people what to do. I don't decide whether you should leave your job or stay. Take the promotion, turn it down, start the business, close it, move house, stay where you are, end the relationship, work on it, start exercising, change what you eat, travel, not travel, say yes, say no. Those decisions belong to you. You're the one living your life. Aligned with your values, your circumstances, your relationships, your responsibilities, your desires and experiences. And I just hesitated and paused then because it reminded me of oh my gosh, the most beautiful client I worked with again a long time ago now. Oh, she was amazing. And um she wanted to work with me for a year, which was fantastic. And straight out of the blocks, she just I want it to be a year. These are all the things I want to do. And um, when she went to talk to her husband about it, he said, Go for it as long as she doesn't make you leave me. And she said, very good marriage, by the way. Um, and she said, I don't think that she tells me what to do like that. Um, no, I don't. So anyway, that just made me think of that story. My job is different, it's to help you see what you can't currently see clearly from inside your own life. To hear what you're saying, notice patterns, notice contradictions, notice programming and coding, challenge the explanation when it's getting in the way, ask the question you've been avoiding, remind you of strengths you've stopped seeing, show you where there is more choice than you think, and sometimes show you that the thing you've decided that is too big for you isn't. That you can step into something bigger, brighter, bolder, that you're more capable than the version of yourself you've been consulting. And that can be uncomfortable too. Because being shown what you are capable of can remove an excuse that you are quite attached to. If I believe I can't do something, I never have to decide whether I will. If I believe I'm not ready, I can wait. If I believe I'm not courageous or confident enough, I can stay where I am. If I believe people like me don't do things like that, I never have to risk finding out what happens if I do. Then somebody like me comes along and says, actually, I think you can. And not in some empty motivational poster way. But because we've looked at the evidence, your experience, your intelligence, your strengths, the things you've already survived, what you've already created, the skills you possess, the resources available to you. And suddenly the question changes. It's no longer can I? It becomes will I? And that is a very different question. Now you have choice. And it's also why I give my clients challenges, not ridiculous ones, not challenges for the sake of proving how brave we can be. Challenges that interrupt a pattern. If you always stay quiet, the challenge may be to speak. If you always defer, it may be to make this the decision yourself. If you endlessly prepare, it may be to act before you feel completely ready. If you always explain yourself, the challenge may be to stop talking after the sentence is finished. If you never ask, of course, the challenge may be to a convinced yourself you don't have time to care for your health, the challenge might be to test that belief this week. If you say you want a bigger social life but never place yourself anywhere new, the challenge may be to walk into the room. If you want to be considered for more senior work, but keep waiting for someone else to notice you, the challenge may be to have the conversation. The challenge isn't the punishment, it gives us information. You learn something about yourself when you move beyond the behavior you normally choose. And this brings us to the second kind of discomfort. Because even after you recognize the belief, even after you see the patent, the program, the coding, even after you realize the person is not quite as solid. Did I say the person then? The reason. Even after you realize the reason, I think I said person, the reason is not quite as solid as it first appeared, you still have to do something new. And unfamiliarity has its own pull. You've spent years staying quiet in meetings. Now you decide to contribute, right? What's going to happen? Your heart is racing, your mouth feels dry, and silence suddenly seems incredibly sensible. Right? You finally decide to put yourself forward for the more senior role, you open the application, and every reason you're not qualified enough arrives at once. You decide to start exercising after years of doing very little. You walk into the gym. Everyone appears to know what they're doing, don't they? You don't. You've never been in there before. And turning around and walking out feels wonderfully available. I mean, the door's just there, right? Just behind you. You change the way you're eating because you want to feel better. And then you have a really difficult afternoon, and the familiar food offers comfort immediately. You realize you want more connection in your life. Maybe you've moved, maybe your relationship has ended, maybe friends have moved into different stages of life, maybe your children have left home. So you decide to join something new. Then comes a moment when you actually have to walk in without knowing anybody. You make a decision your family doesn't love. Now you have to tolerate someone else being disappointed without rushing to undo your choice. You say no, you rest instead of working, you ask for help, you go somewhere alone, you let yourself be a beginner, you take the opportunity before you have ironclad proof that it will work. This is the second layer of the work. First, you see more clearly, then you respond to what you've seen, but only if you choose to. And that is often where the old way starts calling you back, calling you home, because familiar is persuasive. Imagine you spent most of your life being the person who keeps everybody happy. One day you make a thoughtful decision that's right for you, but somebody doesn't like it. Immediately you feel the tension. So you explain, then explain some more, you soften the decision, maybe you even change it. And the moment everybody is happy again, what do you feel? You feel relief. And that relief can look a lot like proof. See, I knew I've made the wrong decision. Except you may not have made the wrong decision after all. You may simply have returned to the pattern you know. The same thing happens with habits. You decide to care for your body differently, exercise, food, sleep, whatever that looks like for you. The first few weeks are awkward. The routines aren't established. You have to think about things that once happened automatically. And stopping makes all that effort disappear. You're back to what you know. That does not tell you the new direction was wrong. It tells you the old one was familiar. And socially, it can look like this. You decide you want more people in your life, somebody bites you somewhere, you realize you won't know anybody, you say no, instant relief. No awkward arrival, no introductions, no standing there wondering who to talk to, feeling like Nelly nomates. Of course, I don't really like that phrase. Um, because I get called Nelly. The relief is wonderful. Except you also still want more connection. So there's often a cost to immediately choosing relief. Which is why one of my favorite questions is what happens if nothing changes? Not as a threat, not to frighten yourself, simply as useful information. If I continue making this choice, where does it take me? If I keep staying quiet at work, where does it take me? If I keep assuming I'm not ready, where does it take me? If I keep repo excuse me, postponing my health, where does it take me? If I keep declining because I don't know anyone, where does it take me? If I keep allowing everybody else's opinion to outrank my own, where does that take me? If I keep protecting myself from five minutes of discomfort, what else am I preventing myself from experiencing? That, my beautiful friend, is worth asking. Because comfort has consequences too. We simply tend to notice them more slowly. And none of this means you need to become a person who's endlessly pushing, challenging, and stretching yourself. I don't believe life needs to become one permanent personal development boot camp. We don't need to wake up every morning thinking, what terrifying thing can I do today to prove I'm growing? Discomfort is not the objective, greater freedom is, greater choice, greater self-trust, the ability to recognize this is an old belief, this is a pattern, this is my fear talking, this is familiarity, this is my instinct, this genuinely isn't right for me. And then to choose from clarity rather than an automatic reaction. And this is why I really love the mirror metaphor. Because a mirror doesn't tell us what to do, does it? A mirror doesn't tell you what to do, it helps you see. And this is what I do for my clients. I hold up the mirror, I show them what I see, and I invite them to look. And what they see isn't always easy. Because it might be a contradiction, a habit, a belief, a way they've been giving their power away, an excuse, a decision they keep pretending isn't a decision. But the mirror can reveal something else as well. Their capability, their strength, their experience, their courage, their brilliance. Oh my gosh, that beautiful thing they could create, the role they could step into, the conversation they are absolutely strong enough to have the life they are allowed to want, the future they've been talking themselves out of. Because we can be just as resistant to seeing our possibility as we are to seeing our patterns. And that's where bigger, brighter, and bolder enters the conversation. Now, not because everybody needs a bigger career or a bigger business or a bigger house or a bigger life. Bigger can mean more honest. Brighter can mean healthier. Bolder can mean finally saying what you think. It can mean putting your hand up for the leadership role, starting the business, leaving a career that no longer fits. Or it can mean joining the walking group, making new friends, taking the trip, changing the habit, creating the boundary, asking for help. Oh, letting yourself rest, going back to study, starting again. Bigger, brighter, and bolder is personal. And I cannot define it for you. You define it. My job is to help you stop automatically shrinking it back to fit the frame you already know. And that brings me back to my client. I enjoyed you, Janelle, but it was not a comfortable process. I loved that feedback because it told me she'd used the coaching properly. She hadn't come looking for someone to agree with everything she already believed. She'd been willing to see, to question, to be challenged, to be supported, to be reminded of her power. And then to take that awareness out into her life and do something with it. That is where transformation happens. Not in inside alone and not in action alone. It happens when you see something more clearly, and then allow what you've seen to influence what you do next. Sometimes the shift is enormous: a new role, a new business, a new relationship, a move, I don't know, a complete change in direction. And other times it's almost invisible from the outside. You speak, you don't apologize, you go, you stay, you say no, you say yes, you make the appointment, you order differently, you walk into the room, you stop asking everyone else what they think, you make the decision. Tiny moments, huge evidence. Evidence that the old frame is no longer running the entire show. And beyond that frame, there is not one correct destination waiting for you. There are so many possibilities, choices, ways of being, parts of yourself you have not even met yet, conversations you haven't had, opportunities you can't currently see, relationships that can become deeper, work that can become more meaningful, a body you care for differently, a social life you build differently, a future that changes because you're no longer making every decision from the same old set of assumptions. That is why discomfort can be worth it. Not because discomfort is the goal. Freedom is the freedom to see clearly, to think for yourself, to trust yourself, to question what you have assumed to be true, to choose deliberately, to step into something bigger, brighter, or bolder when that is what you want. And to know that unfamiliar does not automatically mean wrong. If you've been listening to this and recognizing one of your own beliefs, patterns, or frames, and you want to do some work around this, I have a couple of places you can begin. If you're finding your voice, growing in confidence, or learning to trust yourself more deeply in your work, your relationships, and your life, the unshakable woman blueprint is a great place to begin. And it does say unshakable woman, but you know what? It's for any gender. If you've already achieved a great deal in your life, and the question now is less can I, and more, well, what do I actually want now? Success was the warm-up was created for that conversation. They are both complimentary, they are both a gift from me, and I'll put the links in the episode notes, and you can download them and work through them yourself. Now, if you're ready to do this work with me rather than work through it alone, the soft strength salon is where you bring the dreams and desires you want to make real. And we work on you, your thinking, your confidence, your courage, your self-trust, your choices, your patterns, the way you show up. This is where you'll find the mirror. So that you can bring those beautiful dreams and desires to life. And again, you'll find the link in the episode notes. And I want to leave you with this. The next time you feel uncomfortable, don't automatically rush to make the feeling disappear. Get curious. Is something genuinely wrong? Or is it a belief being challenged? Is someone holding up a mirror? Are you seeing yourself or your situation in a way you haven't before? Are you being invited to step into something you're entirely capable of, but have never done? Are you choosing what is new instead of automatically returning to what you know? Because sometimes discomfort is a warning, sometimes it's the mirror, and sometimes it's simply what the edge of the old frame feels like when you begin to step beyond it. And my beautiful friend, I can guarantee, I can assure you, there is a whole lot more on the other side. Thank you for joining me today. Until next time, keep expanding, creating, and leading. Bye.