Is It Grief or Guilt?

Have you ever wondered whether what you're carrying is grief… or guilt?

Sometimes we grieve what happened. Sometimes we grieve what didn't happen. And sometimes guilt keeps us emotionally connected to people, decisions, relationships, trauma, or moments we haven't fully released.

In this powerful episode of The Blinded Truth Podcast, we're having an honest conversation about grief, guilt, healing, mental health, emotional wellness, trauma, forgiveness, recovery, and learning how to move forward without allowing your past to keep controlling your future.

🎙️ In this episode, we explore:

The difference between grief and guilt
Why guilt can complicate the grieving process
Processing loss, regret, and unresolved emotions
Giving yourself permission to heal
The role of forgiveness and self-forgiveness
Mental health, recovery, and emotional healing
How honest conversations can help break stigma

💬 JOIN THE CONVERSATION:
What do you think is harder to release—grief or guilt? Tell us in the comments. Your story or perspective may be exactly what someone else needs to hear.

❤️ If this conversation speaks to you, LIKE, COMMENT, SHARE & SUBSCRIBE to The Blinded Truth Podcast. Every subscription, comment, and share helps us reach more people who need honest conversations about mental health, recovery, trauma, faith, healing, and living authentically.

🔔 Subscribe and turn on notifications so you don't miss our next conversation.

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Be sure to include the term PodMatch or use #PodMatch on your episode posts on social media and around the web.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:02

Welcome to the Blinded Truth Podcast, Truth Shot, where real stories meet real healing. We are your host and co-host, Destiny Advance.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Eric.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

Today's episode is titled, Is It Grief or Guilt? There are some emotions that look almost identical on the surface. We tell ourselves we're grieving, but beneath the tears may be guilt. Sometimes we carry regret over the words we never said, the calls we never made, the choices we wish we could change, or the belief that somehow we should have done more. Whether you've lost someone through death, addiction, divorce, estrangement, or simply the life you thought you would have, this conversation is for you. Today we're unpacking the difference between grief and guilt, how each one affects our healing and what it takes to stop carrying burdens that were never ours to bear. This isn't just a conversation about loss, it's a conversation about grace, forgiveness, healing, and learning how to move forward without being chained to the past. This episode is brought to you by Destiny is by Choice Support Services because your journey, your voice, and your truth matter.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

So we want we starting off with so.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

Yes, because we haven't done an episode together in a while.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

I was just thinking the same thing, but I wouldn't start it off with so.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Well, see why we haven't had an episode in a while and you starting with Valence. Let's start, let's start, let's rewind.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

Let me start it off then.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Okay, okay, what are you gonna say?

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Where you been?

SPEAKER_02 1:45

No, where you've been tell the people what's been going on in Eric's life.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Oh man.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

Be honest with the people. You've been you've had a lot going on.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

I mean, I I yes, and I mean.

SPEAKER_02 2:04

I think what you've had going on has tied to our title today. It was your title that when I told you we had an episode coming up, you gave me the title.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yeah, then when you tell me what the title was again today, I was like, I really don't want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Right. But now we're here.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

See, he does this, y'all. He'll sit here and give me a title, and then the day of, he'll be like, I'm not in the mood to talk about that. And then he thinks I'm supposed to change it, but we don't change it. We just keep it moving.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

If it was me, I'd be like, yo, what you want to talk about? I would have did it.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

So tell the people what you've been having going on.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Um a lot of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Like Start with the good.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

The good. Um Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

So I do this thing with the kids.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

How long has it been since we did an episode together?

SPEAKER_02 2:59

The last one we did was four episodes ago when we did it with my mom.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

What month was that? May. May what?

SPEAKER_02 3:07

15th. No, it was like May, the f beginning of May when we did the episode.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Oh, okay. So I'm asking because if that's the case, I celebrated three years of recovery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um a promotion of my job. I've almost got all my restitution paid.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Uh $7,000 to $300. So that, and I'm still cleaning supper right now.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

So that's the good.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

What's been the bad? I know some of the bad, but you gotta tell your audience what's going on. The bad is And this is not me forcing them, y'all. This is getting it out.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Um, the bad is um my mom having success surgeries and fighting for life and me trying to maneuver through that without um losing my mind without hurting anybody, um hurting myself, you know. Because it'll be easy for me to take a substance to ease the pain, and which I've done most of my life.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

So, how has that process been with you trying to like process everything that's going on with her and you got your promotion on your job? Because what he didn't tell you is he is a supervisor, a leader of 27 people. So, how has that been? Because I know being in charge of people and you got your own problems, and everybody wanna act crazy, and you like not today.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Um I realized by me getting promoted and me being in charge of so many people that it was for me to find something out about myself that I didn't know because I love the group of people I work with, um a lot of different personalities, but it it's also um shows me where I was to where I am now mentally. Like, um just trying to adjust and being able to um treat everybody the same. Um have entity, compassion, um being trustworthy, um being a confidant to them, um being someone they can talk to. Um and also I g I guess being a friend, you know. But in the in that I still have to do my job, so I I let them know where my stance is, is my job first. Then after that we can we can work on everything else. Um because in the end of the day, they put me in a position where I have to do a job and I can't have no fragrance, I can't have no picks, and when it at the end of the day it's bigger than me, it's bigger than them, and in the end it's bigger than the company, you know, um, because I feel like the product that we put out isn't for the company, it's for the people who buys this product, and I want them to get the very best that I can possibly get on.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

So you know who you sound like? How I was when I was uh working nights, managing all of y'all at night.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

But I didn't give you no trouble.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

No, you didn't, but it you know, you know, a lot I think a lot of times people don't see the bigger picture like we know the bigger picture. And and so they think that you just being hard on them. You know, one of the things I I used to get all the time when I worked at Anderson was you don't like me. I don't like nobody. I'm not here to be your friend. I had to tell, I had to tell a resident one time, I was like, if I'm if I'm sitting here trying to be your friend, then I'm enabling you. And what has enabling got you in life? You wouldn't be where you're at today, right? If you weren't able to, and and depending on who they were, you if you if I allowed you to manipulate me like you have manipulated things in life, where would they get you?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

And and he said something the bigger picture.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

And and and to be completely honest, uh when it comes to the blinded truth podcast, I know I can do more. And I've been fighting the bigger picture because it don't look like my bigger picture I'm gonna look like. It's been um my my my way of thinking has been voted down. So I've been resistant to to change and um trying to do it other people's ways. When I think my way is the way and the best way, maybe it could work. But it's already a system in place that it's working, you know. It isn't like I can't say it's not working because I've seen it go from point A to point B so far, you know, and it and it looks good. So I just wanna apologize online for being resistant. And they say that I will try to get better. You know, put out more content and um be more hands. You know, so I get it, you know. I get it, they got it.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Well, I have some questions for us to talk about before this episode because I was like, we get so sidetracked a lot of times with um the episodes, because we'll I think I know you have some ADHD or ADD, but I know for me, I'll get sidetracked because something will come to mind like you.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

What makes you think I have ADD?

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Uh I mean, I ain't got all of my credentials, but I be diagnosing people.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

And just to make it clear, when you said uh I got some questions, I thought it was another one of them. Surprise! No. I had my heart sunk to my stomach.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

So you did say something that kind of is is one of the questions that's on my paper, and you said that it was it was dealing with trying to process everything with your mom without using the substance. So, how do you know when what you're feeling is actually grief and not guilt disguised as grief?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

That's a good question.

SPEAKER_02 10:09

I've never thought about I I mean I thought about what the two words meant, but because sometimes they can they can disguise each other as as the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Like, this is not about my mom, this is real quick. Like having survivor's remorse when it comes to my friends who lost their life to the streets and drugs and whatever. I thought I was grieving, but I wasn't. I was feeling guilty because I made it. And it took me a long time to just accept the fact that I got another chance at life. You know, with my uh best friend during 43 years, I never get to see him again, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Uh I never get to see him again.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Uh if no. If he get out, it's a it would be a hand of God. And I know that. He's been gone since 2000. So he's been gone already 26 years. That's crazy. Um and I felt I felt I felt um sad for a while, and I had PTSD behind it because I would ride past his house, and some days I see him in his door, some days I see him walking down the street, and it was just my mind playing tricks on me. And I went to cancel him behind it, and they said I was suffering from um post-sumatic stress disorder because of it. It eventually went away, but it took some time. And on that one, I felt like why he didn't say anything to me or any other anybody else, and why he take um the law into his own hands per se, or or just justice into his own hands, not the law, because what he did. Yeah, you know, he didn't just hurt himself, he hurt everybody around him and everybody who loved him, you know. Um and the the person he hurt, her family, you know what I mean? So and that's another reason I um don't believe in domestic violence, you know. Not only does it hurt you, it hurts the people around you.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:37

But that read that question again. Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

How do you know when what you're feeling is actually grief and not guilt disguised as grief? Because I heard you say something a couple weeks ago where you was like, um, you wanted you never know, you didn't you didn't know when the last time would be the last time. And you didn't want to have the shit or cuttableness of going to seeing your mom. And and and like to me that sounds like guilt, you know, but I'm just thinking about the classes, they say that's a form of grief. You know, you you going through the process of grieving. So how do you have you discovered if you know if it's grief or is it guilt?

SPEAKER_01 13:35

I think I think it's a very thin line between the two. And I don't think that I'm I was feeling I was feeling guilty for my mother. I was feeling guilty for my family. Because that they live so close to my mom, and for them to go to the hospital, it may take 20, 25 minutes for them to get there. Versus me, it takes two and a half to three hours to get there. So when they call, I'd be like, I want to just jump in the car and go every time they call, and I know I can't. And I was feeling guilty because I couldn't. But my life is here in Rono. It's not in Richmond, you know. And I had to I had to come to terms with that. And I believe they also had to come to terms with that, you know. Because now it's like they see me trying to get there every chance I can. It's not like I'm like, I don't want to go. No, I want to go every day. If I had a plane, I'd be there every day, you know. Um, but I have to be okay with not being okay. You know, like um that's hard. Yeah, it's because it's like you never know when the last time would be the last time, right? And I don't have any um unanswered questions when it comes to being my mom. You know, I spent a lot of time with her and she knows everything about me, you know, and I know she would rather me be up here and staying exactly how I am versus me running to Richmond every day and losing everything I have going on now. And you know, I I love my mom and when the time comes, yes, it's gonna hurt. But we good. Yeah. You know, um, we real good. She's my baby and always gonna be my baby, so we good.

SPEAKER_02 15:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

And I'm her sunshine and always her sunshine, so if you say so. Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

So, what are some of the big biggest misconceptions people have about grief, especially after losing someone to addiction, suicide, or unexpected death? I know for me, they think that like if they see you smiling and laughing that you're over it.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

That's totally wrong.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

I I think, or I feel like, because there's people that like when I lost my brother, my youngest brother, I cried, but it was like I had to stay focused. Like it I couldn't get too deep into it. It was like I had to I had to stay focused. You know?

SPEAKER_01 16:56

And the thing about like like with social media, right? How people would um post the pictures of the loved ones, ones they lost or whatever. And every year, around the same time, that picture's gonna pop up.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

So that means what you're gonna relive that over and over and over and over again. I don't want that, you know. Um all my memories, I want to be right here and right here. I don't want something to remind me of what I've lost.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

But that's hard though, because like with my dad, losing my dad, like, you know, that was really hard. And I have a spinning image of him with my youngest son. He walks like him, he moves his hands like him, he can draw like him. And it's like sometimes and and and sometimes for my mom, she's like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

But that's different. That is a living form of your father.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

That is not a memory, but it's still hard. I understand that, but check it out though. That that could show you that he still lives on. You're like, everybody wants to leave a legacy. If that ain't one, I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Like, I just know that I don't want to Well when they put t-shirts, people, sorry, I ain't mean cut you out, people's I have a shirt with my brothers. I have two shirts, boom.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Yeah, but see I don't worry, but with that, it's some bad with that also because if somebody's mad at you, the first thing they say, I'll put you on a t-shirt.

SPEAKER_02 18:49

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

You know, it'd be a memory. Yeah, that's crazy. And I I, you know, I'm one of them people that's now started to believe when somebody passed, you're supposed to celebrate.

SPEAKER_02 19:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

You know, especially if they pass at an old age, they've seen it all. Why am I gonna be so stuck in being sad and down instead of celebrating all the good times, all the laughs, all the holidays, all the just like all the good that this person has brought into my life. You know. And I know it's gonna be hard to get to that point, but trying to prepare myself for that point is what I'm trying to work on now. I'm not thinking as they're already gone, I'm thinking about what I'm gonna do when they do go. Because seeing my mom in the hospital, that almost killed me.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Something just came to mind. I think that, you know, in the world we we work in, where it comes to, you know, seeing hearing about people overdosing and dying, there is this like you kind of don't know how the family's gonna respond or how they are responding. You get some family members that's angry, you get some family members that do have the guilt of I should have, could have, would have, or you have the family members that's just kind of like, oh well. I feel like I don't know, because you can't tell people like how to feel, but I feel like for me, I feel like it has to be like a at least I know they're not suffering no more. What about you? What you think? It's a tricky one, that's a hard one.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

Then this is the one right here, like do you have how many times my mom told me that she was glad I had got locked up? Because now she can sleep at night. Hey, I understand though, because I can only imagine what I put that woman through, you know, mentally. And when she come see me, it was like, I'm still her little kid, her little boy, whatever, but she was like, boy, I can sleep at night now. I know where you are, you know? So I don't know if she had guilt or grief then, you know, but I knew one thing, she had a peace of mind. And when somebody OD is like, or die, like, you know, a horrible death or whatever, if there's that bad, they might be. I know for one, they're in a better place, but for that family, it may put them in a better place because worry or kill you. And some people can't handle it. And I wouldn't want to worry somebody for 30 plus years, off and on. I can only imagine what I put my mom through.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

So three years into this, she got to see me get it right, you know. And that's the only thing like I I can hold on to. You know, I'm finally working on getting it right, right, you know.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

You know.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

So what are some signs that unresolved guilt has become unhealthy and is keeping someone stuck inside uh instead of healing? You got a degree. Nah, I want to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 22:22

I got one degree working on two.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

Hey, I don't have not one. I don't have a degree. We'll have one in three years. Two and a half, three years. Maybe two, possible two. All right. I was so busy trying to respond.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

See, that's we get sidetracked.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

My bad.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

What are some signs that unresolved guilt has become unhealthy and is keeping someone stuck instead of healing?

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Keep talking about it, thinking about it, bringing it up. That's the worst. Living in the past.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

But again, that can cross over to a healthy part because they always say in order to heal, you have to feel, and you gotta, in order to feel, you gotta keep talking about it.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Yeah, but if you don't never heal, you don't continue to feel it. You gotta work through it. Get a therapist, counselor, somebody to help you get through grief and grief grief um counseling, something. Because if not, you can be stuck. Like the person who uh loses their better halves when they pass away and they never date again. And they passed away when he was 20 and she was 20, 20 years later. He, you know, vice versa, and they've never dated again. That's terrible. You gotta know that person in heaven or wherever they are don't want you to be by yourself.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:46

You know? I think just letting it relive itself over and over again, like grounds day, right, or with Groundhog Day is like the the worst for me.

SPEAKER_02 24:01

So do you think it's healthy for people to like do the different celebrations where they get like cakes and stuff each year, or they, you know, go release the boom balloons and go to the first off, it's illegal to release balloons.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

So hey, I just wanna throw that out there. Um if it's what helps them get through, I did I can dig it. Just for me, I don't think that I can do it. Like I don't think I can just go visit a grave area.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

I have my dad's ashes. At first when like you had ashes. It was a part of her grief, she gave me the ashes.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

Why do you have any sky? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

Um, because I didn't know if that's what I for one, it's really hard to get into it. For two, I didn't know if that's actually what I wanted to do. Like, I have not actually sat down to think, like, what do I want to do with the ashes?

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

But yes, I have I still have my dad's ashes. Um to be very transparent for a while, once I got him, I used to sit and talk to him. I did. I'm being honest.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

And that's the reason you should have got rid of them.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

I used to sit and talk and just be like, just have a normal conversation.

SPEAKER_01 26:21

So where are they at?

SPEAKER_02 26:23

They're up in the upstairs in the little cabinet thing.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Okay. No, man.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

But I don't know, like, I can't tell somebody how to heal. And if that's if that's something that helps them heal, then definitely do it. But I think that you have to develop healthier ways, and it shouldn't be something that you make other people do. Like, I wouldn't sit and make my kids talk to their granddaddy.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

I want to be cremated. But I don't want nobody to hold on to mine. Throw me in the yard, in the river, anywhere. I don't want to be stuck in no no canister when I can be released back into the world. You know what I'm saying? Don't that make sense?

SPEAKER_02 27:11

Some people want you to stay close to them.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

They didn't tell you that. That's what you're telling yourself that. I'm serious. You know? Like it's like wearing dead people's clothing.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Nah, that's a little too far.

SPEAKER_01 27:30

What's the difference?

SPEAKER_02 27:31

That's a little too far.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

You got a dead man's suit and dressing in your closet and then at nighttime start doing energy. I'm just saying. Some people hold on to the the people that pass away belongings.

unknown 27:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

Because they have they can't let go as well. You know, that's the main that's one of the main things that that also causes families to divide. It's their family belongings.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

I have I have I have a friend that her daughter passed away. And she kept her room the same way.

SPEAKER_02 28:16

I have I know people like, and you can't step in there and don't move anything.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

And and I was just like, man, that's gotta be hard.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

What would you tell people that are currently like family members or friends that are currently going through the same thing that you're going through? Because you you already know what the end is going to be. So how would you what would you tell them about grief and support? I mean grief and and guilt.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

That's like a two-part kind of answer. The spiritual man would tell them to keep praying, they keep believing, keep having faith. Um that God can do what God gonna do, you know. Um it's out of your hands, you know.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Is that hard? I know when people tell me it's out of your hands, that's hard for me because I'm a fixer.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

At first it was hard until I got closer to God, you know, um, and started praying for no reason. You know, I wasn't praying for him to save my mom. I'm praying to him because I want him to be him. You know. Um I pray for my mom all every day. You know, two or three times a day I pray, whatever, but normally I don't ask for anything. I just thank God for being God. And the most important thing, I thank God for saving me. In the midst of everything going on, the only thing I can say is, um God thanks for saving my life because if he had not, there's no telling that I would be here even to go through this stuff. And just being um a true believer, you know. It's the best thing I've ever done in my life was to believe in God. You know, I used to say I believed in God, but I don't believe I ever really truly believed him. Until now, you know. Um Rumor has it I might be a deacon coming up, you know. Um just saying, whoever thought, you know? Uh you say, oh Lord.

SPEAKER_00 30:54

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

That's crazy. But you should be like, you what? Yeah. You should be like, oh, you done heard it too many times. This is what you're saying. Alright, alright. But yeah, I might be a deacon. I'm gonna be a deacon. But I don't I wasn't expecting for this to happen as soon as this happened. I've been going to church probably about two years now. But they see the growth, I guess, and they see the spiritual growth, you know. Um not just like growing as a person, just your spirituality growing where somebody else can recognize it. So when you go somewhere, you are that light. Because they can see something different about you that ain't everybody else don't have. And that's why people gravitate towards you because they want whatever they see you got. They may not know exactly what it is, but they know whatever they got, I want that. That's why you get these random conversations. That's why people open up to you, share their problems, you know. Too much giving as much as required, and you got a hell of a uh task at hand, Miss Destiny. Yes, yes, amen.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

How do forgiveness and self-compassion play a role in releasing guilt without forgetting the person or the experience?

SPEAKER_01 32:20

First off, you said it won't be like my birthday, but it's exactly like my birthday. I'm answering all the questions. Uh read it again. I was so busy thinking about what is going on happening to me in real time.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

You need to watch this movie Call Up, and there's a little dog on there that he be talking, and he like, duh, squirrel.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

That's me. That's you.

SPEAKER_02 32:48

How do forgiveness and self-compassion play a role in releasing guilt without forgetting the person or the experience? Because you talked about how you've always talked about how you had friends pass away. You asked yourself, why wasn't that me? So how does forgiveness and self-compassion play a role in that?

SPEAKER_01 33:10

At first it was there was no self-compassion. There was any, it wasn't anything, just a feeling of guilt or remorse or whatever. And now it's like if I want somebody or even God to give me grace, I have got to give myself some grace. You know, um, and and and look at the picture for what it is, like everybody makes mistakes. Some people are fortunate enough to correct those mistakes. Some people be taken out by those mistakes. And I have personally been one of the people who was fortunate, like really fortunate to correct some of them, you know. I know I have more to fix, but that's only in God's time. And maybe I I I won't ever fix them, but I will become alright without fixing them. You know, um I don't know. That's a that's a touchy question right there, you know? What do you think? Were these questions, hold on. Uh, were these questions really designed for me?

SPEAKER_02 34:21

No, I just typed them up to have some questions. So I think forgiveness is the hardest part when you're when you're dealing with grief and guilt. Because, you know, like I'm just thinking about when I lost my brother. I felt like I could have done more. And I also was angry at some of the things that took place, and I had to forgive the people that I knew who played a part, which was very hard for me. Because I'm a type of person, when the Bible says vengeance is mine, says the Lord, I want to take vengeance into my own hands and I know how I'm gonna play it out. And it's it's it's that's something that I've had to work on when people have hurt me, is forgiving them and not allowing anger and frustration to overtake me because I know what it can do for me. My grandma did 32 years in j in prison for murder, and I know that if I allow it to consume me, what what would be the end result?

SPEAKER_01 35:31

So, how do you get past of forgiving the person who's died when you blame them? Why did you leave me? You know, that type of thing. Like, you shouldn't have left me. You know, you're angry at the person who passed away.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

So I I had that a lot with my dad because, you know, he died from HIV complications, and I felt like why didn't he why didn't he take the necessary medications and stuff to live a longer life?

SPEAKER_01 36:03

What year did he pass away?

SPEAKER_02 36:05

2008.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

They didn't have the type of medications they have now.

SPEAKER_02 36:12

So there was things that he could have did, and to my understanding, he didn't want to do it. But my dad was never a medication go-to-the-doctor person. He was always the I'ma do it my way. I'ma home remedy it.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

Alright, then check this out. Your father chose not to take the medications they had back then to have a longer life. Now, look at this today, with the medications they got, you still have people that refuse to take them.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:48

To live a better life.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

And I f I do feel like, so I I was I had years of anger because, you know, when I started having kids and and and all this stuff, and you know, some of the stuff I went through in life after him, my mom used to always say, if your daddy was alive, you wouldn't have to go through that. But I feel like he had to leave because I was a daddy's girl. So a lot of the stuff I went through, I probably wouldn't have gone through because he would have been Captain Saberho. I wouldn't say Captain Saberho. He would have been Superman. He would have been like, this ain't happening. You know, like we ain't we ain't about to have this happen. But I think that without him being here, do I wish he was here so he could see my kids, he could meet my kids and and see like he has little mini, you know, his legacy has lived on. Yes. Um, but a lot of the things I would have gone through, I had to go through it, and I wouldn't have been able to go through it if he was here.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

Real quick. Get tested, know your status. Yes. Especially in the black community, we had the highest registers, HIV AIDS than any other people. So look, know your status, you know. I get tested every year.

SPEAKER_02 38:04

Yes, it's important.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

It's important.

SPEAKER_02 38:07

Because, you know, we still live in this, we still live in this. And and I was also angry because when I knew hold on.

SPEAKER_01 38:16

And the best way to prevent it is to not have sex.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

Squirrel. See, squirrel.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

Oh my man.

SPEAKER_02 38:22

I was also angry because I knew how he contracted it. And that person lived long enough to see their grandkids, their kids and grandkids. And I was like, that's really messed up. And to the point, they were still having kids. And they got them taken away, but they were still having kids. And so I was upset about it. And I had to, I had to really, I had to really release.

SPEAKER_01 38:57

You always gotta look at the part that they played in it, also.

SPEAKER_02 39:00

Yeah. And that's and that's where my growth journey came because I had to realize like he wasn't just a innocent bystander. You know, he was somebody that played a part. They both played a part in it. And and so I think that's where growth comes in to help with the forgiveness and the compassion.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Now, then did you say that? When we first started the podcast and all that, right? You was a part of a lot of boards of doing different stuff. Yes. But you never said anything for acting um being an actor for HIV and AIDS. And you are the person that they need to hear that come from.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

So, um, you know, that's a great, that's a great point because I have not thought about it. I haven't. And for a while, so I didn't learn that my dad died from HIV complications until I was pregnant with my oldest son. Wow. He demanded that we did not, he our kids, his kids did not know. So that my my oldest brother didn't learn that he had passed away until a year after he had passed away. Oh, that's a whole episode. Don't get me started. Um, and so my brother really struggled. Really, really, really struggled. Um, because he was the oldest. And there was a lot of things he was just like, why did he not tell us? But I get it, because back then, if you had HIV, everybody thought. And so, and it wasn't even like that. And so my brother, you know, to find out my dad had passed away after he had dASIC training. He had gone to boot camp and then he went to basic training. And then to find out how he passed away, it will it was hard. It was hard. Um, and so I have I never thought about, you know, being on that type of board or I mean I definitely advocate for like no, you know, don't. And I started advocating for that when I was a CNA because we would have individuals come in with hep Cep, you know, and I would just be like, oh, okay, I'm gonna just glove up, you know, glove mask up. If you get anybody leave fluids on you, go get checked out. Um, but I think learning that he passed away from HIV made me even more aware that it don't matter, you know, and my my OB was is very vocal about this. He says, I don't care if you've been married for 20 years, get checked. Because you just never know.

SPEAKER_01 42:01

Never know.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

And and so um, you know, and it just it just makes me have that hard conversation with my boys. Like, I don't care if she's the fly thing out here, don't, don't, don't trust it. That's crazy, you know. So I've never thought about that, but I mean, you never know.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

The reason I asked you is because like we're gonna do the overdose awareness thing, and me going maybe a little different than you going, you know, um, because I one have OD and came back, thank God. And two, I've seen a lot of people lose their lives to it. So when I'm in there, it hits me a little different. I can do I can I can actually do more for that than I do.

SPEAKER_02 42:54

It hits me different because every year they do a new segment. My brother's picture is right there, and I can see it. And so um every year I've gone, like the first year was hard. Um, it was actually hard for my mom to, and I try to get my stepmom to go, but she's just not there to go. She's very vocal about what happened, but she's just not there to go and face that. So my mom, the first year she went, it was hard for her. It was hard for the both of us. The second year, I was good until this girl sung um the hallelujah song. Which year was that? Um it was a couple years ago. Which you were there?

SPEAKER_01 43:41

I was at the first table? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 43:43

Yep, I was there, and I didn't get to go last year.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

You know, she sung a song?

SPEAKER_02 43:47

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 43:48

And I where was I? I don't know. I stayed the whole time. I was, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

So it it is it is different, but to see the difference. People that's in there and the different stories. I know that, but I don't go over there feeling like I'm the only one, you know. Because there's other stories in there that I be like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

I think like this this year when we go, it's gonna be different versus.

SPEAKER_02 44:21

Yeah, because we're vending.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Yeah, but the first one I went to, I had just left treatment. It was like real fresh. I was just wanting to be involved and stay clean, you know, versus being a vendor and have a story to tell. Like when the people from the treatment centers come in, like, I know that feeling. You know, and who would ever thought that I'll be a part of something that's getting bigger and bigger, but it's getting bigger for the right reasons, you know. I just want to thank you for helping me get to this point for um allowing me to be a part of the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 45:08

You're welcome. So I got one last question for you.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

Oh wow, here we go.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

If someone listening today feels trapped by guilt over a loss, what is one truth you hope they walk away with before this episode ends? I feel like for me, it's what we always preach and say on and try to get through on each episode. That's hope on the other side. Don't allow it to drag you down.

SPEAKER_01 45:41

So what I always say.

SPEAKER_02 45:43

You sell hope? You don't be selling help?

SPEAKER_01 45:46

No, when I be going through my nest and I be like the the the phrase that I hate saying, but I always say it.

SPEAKER_02 45:52

Oh, go ahead and say it.

SPEAKER_01 45:54

No, you say it.

SPEAKER_02 45:55

No, no, no. That's your saying.

SPEAKER_01 45:58

Trust the process. I mean, that's all we we can do. We can't do anything but trust it. Like, when you don't know what else to do, you just gotta let go and let God and just trust that everything will be alright. And I advise you, if you're not ready to have to trust it, don't say trust the process.

SPEAKER_02 46:22

So let me ask you this, because I had someone in treatment just admit it that day and got a call, their son had passed away. What would you tell them somebody in treatment and they get that call? Because you know, some people are court-ordered to be there, and they cannot leave unless a judge says, You can leave, because they got a nice little bracelet on their on their. I I we had somebody come right the day they checked in was the day they found out their son passed away. What would you tell them? When they already hanging on by a thread.

SPEAKER_01 47:06

To sit still, and if you don't know what to do, don't do anything at all. Talk to somebody and get the right information and don't talk to somebody that don't have their best interest at heart because they're not gonna give them what they they need to hear. And they trust the process. In that situation, I believe that that person was in the best place they could possibly be, then they'd be wherever they was using it, because who's to say they wouldn't overdo it and then they be in a casket right beside that job.

SPEAKER_02 47:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:43

And, you know, I can say that because I haven't been through that, but I can also say that because I really do believe in things happen for the right reason.

SPEAKER_02 47:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:55

Regardless of how bad it may be. Um when your time's up. If you're going to heaven, it's because God calls you. And you can't you can't um get around it. Like when I OD, when I seen the um the black light, it wasn't my time. God allowed me to come back to be uh a blessing to somebody else. So and in and all that, trust the process.

SPEAKER_02 48:25

Well, I'm glad that you're back on our episodes.

SPEAKER_01 48:31

I've first off, I I may not have been in front of the camera, but I was always around that camera. So don't do time. Now you try to make it sound like I've been missing an action or something. I've been watching y'all do the episode. You thought You know what?

SPEAKER_02 48:48

You did it, you did two episodes in June by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 48:52

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 48:52

But I was out here celebrating my birthday. See?

SPEAKER_01 48:57

And and and and there will be more shorts, by the way. So check us out. I'm coming back, y'all.

SPEAKER_02 49:03

Well, thank you for joining us for another episode of the Blonded Truth Podcast, True Shot. If today's conversation challenged you, comforted you, or helped you recognize the difference between grief and guilt, don't let it stop here. Healing begins when we're honest about what we're carrying. Grief deserves to be felt, but guilt doesn't have to become your permanent address. Remember, you are allowed to heal, you are allowed to forgive yourself, and you are allowed to move forward while still honoring what you've lost. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who may need to hear this message. Don't forget to like, subscribe, leave a review, and follow us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. So you never miss a conversation that could change your perspective. Until next time, remember your destiny is by choice, not by chance. And until next time, keep walking in your truth. Bye.