Chapter Twenty-One

Old fears become the least of their worries and Cass and Billy spend a night together in a basement.

Derrick's rage intensifies as his plan falls apart.

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Some of this podcast has been recorded on equipment from the Billings Public Library Co+Lab. Thanks to Renee Barratt of The Cover Counts for the cover design. Music by Mikhail Smusev from Pixabay.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the serialized podcast production of The Scarring Underneath, written and performed by T. S. Dickerson. Chapter 21. It was full dark as Cass followed Billy to the second of the houses he'd found. His first option would have been more comfortable, but too far from the shed with the explosives. Cass wanted to know if any new Danville men came back for the bomb or returned to raid the grocery store. She intended to follow them back to their encampment. The second house was almost uncomfortably close to the explosives. Also, half of it had been in range of another explosion. The large house was half demolished. The right side was absent, but the left was intact enough they could pass through and gain access to the basement. They could see what was going on down the street through an egress window that would also provide a secondary means of escape if need be. The trip down the stairs was a challenge for Billy. He stopped twice to retreat back to the top and breathe. Cass felt for him, though not as deeply as she normally would, not as intensely as she had in the wine cellar. She was tired, hungry, and numb. She gave a half-hearted offer to stay in what was left of the first floor, but Billy refused. He finally sent her away, choosing to navigate the stairs on his own. After shedding her weapons and backpack, Cass hung a heavy blanket over the blinds to block the light of their lantern from one window. She set to maneuvering a bookshelf to block the second window, and was surprised when Billy arrived and lifted the other end. This is probably not necessary, she said, catching a book as it slid off the top of the shelf. They probably wouldn't come until it was light anyway. Maybe they won't come at all. Billy moved to crouch on the floor and began digging through the canvas bag, pulling out various food items and water bottles. Maybe they don't know it didn't go off. Maybe, Cass said. But their man never came back either. Do you think they care? Billy asked. I mean the sort of people who would do this. Cass shrugged. She removed her weapons and sat cross legged on the opposite side of the lantern from Billy. She dug into the food with more vigor than she'd known she could muster, and strove to think of anything other than death. And drew. When they'd each had their fill, they sat in silence. Billy stared at the steady flame in the lantern, stroking brick, while Cass looked around the room. There was a bunk bed, and there was a king sized mattress on the floor in the next room. There must have been multiple families in every home. Even though this city encompassed only the size of a small town, there must have been quite a lot of people here. People who were now dead. Desperate to derail her train of thought, Cass watched Billy. His shoulders rose and fell steadily. He licked his lips, the moisture shimmering in the orange lantern light. It reminded her of the campfire they'd sat around the night after they'd met. She'd been trying to avoid thinking of a lost friend that night, too. Sensing her gaze, Billy looked up. His frame seemed to crumple. Why did you trust me? he asked. She stared down at her bare feet on the floor in front of her. I don't want to talk about Drew, she said. So don't talk about you and me. Cass, I need to know. Why do you believe me? Cass put her face in her hands. Jesus Christ, do we have to do this? She paused and then added, William for spite. Don't call me that, he said, this time with anger in his tone. But since you bring the name up, I lied to you, and yet you trusted me. I need to know why. You're not a killer, Cass said. Her anger was boiling now, causing her breath to come short and uneven. She felt she was gasping between every sentence. You couldn't have stabbed someone three times. For God's sake, you can barely hit me when we spar. You can barely touch me at all. Cass stopped herself. Her tone had been hurt, almost jilted. She hadn't meant it that way. There was a pause, and she saw him chewing the inside of his cheek. I don't know how to make this up to you, he said. I don't know how to thank you for saving me again. I wish you hadn't run with me. Oh please, you know going somewhere is as good as asking me to come. You know I'll follow you. Cass let out a little gasp when she realized what she'd said. Too agitated to stay still, she jumped to her feet and went into the other room. Cass Billy stood up and followed her. She turned on him as he entered. Everything I've worked for since the end is back there. She gestured vaguely in the direction of the campground. I left everything I care about, dead or alive. How did you get so important? She shook her head and turned away, sinking to the cold concrete floor. In a moment she heard the scuffing of feet as Billy moved to sit behind her, propping his back against hers. She leaned into him, and they balanced, bracing one another. For a moment she just sat there, feeling the rhythm of his breathing against her back. A thought occurred to her, and she gave a dry laugh. At least before, I knew you'd never give me the time of day. I wouldn't have left my best friend to be buried by someone else for Billy pulled away so abruptly that Cass almost fell backward and had to catch herself. The heels of her hands slammed into the cold floor, and she rotated her body to find him kneeling, facing her. It's not before, he said, voice harsh. A hint of his accent was trickling back into his speech again. I'm not who I was then, any more than you are. We've changed. Everyone's changed. We make our choices differently now. His irritation amped up the adrenaline in Cass once more, and her voice cracked as she shot back. Well, why don't you just explain me to myself? How do I make my choices now? We choose like we're about to die, he said, the tendons in his neck taut with the strength of his emotion. Like every choice could be the last. Cass sank back onto her rear, grabbing a clump of hair in her fist and holding it against her head as if to ward off the truth of this speech. I would, she admitted silently. I would choose to die with him. Billy had sunk onto his legs. His hands rested on his thighs, and he stared at them like they were foreign. I might not have given you the time of day before, even if somehow we'd met, but now he paused, frowning. His eyes found hers and locked on. Now you keep me alive. His voice was almost a growl of emotion. Cash shied away from the intensity and looked up at the ceiling, throwing her hands out to the sides as if pleading for answers. Doesn't someone always didn't Nash or whatever his name was? Billy threw his head back, lips parting in exasperation. Not just like today, not just when my life is in danger every fucking day. He turned his eyes on her again, as if boring a hole past her defenses. You're my reason, Cass. You're my reason now. As he finished, his eyes shimmered and his expression turned pleading. He reached out his hand and placed it against the side of Cass's face, running his thumb along her cheekbone. Cass felt as if she lost control of herself then. Her brow furrowed, and then her eyes lit up, her face a confusion of doubt and furious hope. Her mouth opened and a small gasp escaped, but she couldn't find words. She rocked forward onto her knees and captured his head between her hands, unsure if she was trembling or if it was him. His hands were on her shoulders, long fingers communicative, light yet poised to draw her toward him. She closed the gap between them, steady but so slow both of them were breathing raggedly by the time their lips touched. The kiss ached and tormented. Everything she'd wanted, but not enough. Billy groaned, and Cass's eyes flew open. Then, as if she'd accepted a sip of cool water without realizing her own thirst, she threw herself against him, desperate for more. For a moment their kissing was frantic. Then his tone changed, his hands dropped away from her body. Frustrated, Cass wrapped an arm around his neck and felt him tense. His lips stopped moving against hers, and suddenly she remembered. She released him and pulled away. I'm sorry, she said, gasping. Her eyes were wide behind her shaking hand as she touched her lips. Billy shook his head and drew close again. I'm sorry, he said. I it's not that I don't want. Sh, Cass said. I know. You told me. I know what happened. I I wasn't thinking. She swallowed, reached out for him, and then dropped her hands to her sides. She placed them flat against her legs. I just want to show you how I feel. Billy's eyes dropped away. You're probably used to guys being eager, leaping at the chance. Cass waited for him to look at her, and when he didn't, she cleared her throat. I'm used to being the one in control, she said. Because of what happened to me, I've been strict. I've always been the one to initiate intimacy. I've been the one to pace it, to stop it. She took an unsteady breath and blew it out. It'll be new territory for me. Not taking that role. But I want you, she said, watching his reaction carefully. He looked like it pained him to hear it, and she saw him shift his weight toward her. He offered his hands, and she reached forward and linked her fingers with his, hardly any pressure holding them together. Her gaze traced the outline of his face, raked through his messy hair, passed down over his shoulders, his chest, his abdomen, and hips. Her eyes flew back to his face as she flushed. But his eyes were on her body too. His gaze rested on her hips as heavily as if his hands were there. She realized he was breathing hard, as was she. His eyes met hers again, burning. New territory that you're willing to wait for? If we survive all this, she said, I'll wait as long as you need. His answering smile was so infectious she felt a grin spread across her own face. Her facial muscles were stiff from being downturned and practically frozen for days. Reality dropped back onto her and she sighed. Billy squeezed her hands. They moved to the mattress, and for a while they lay face to face, chatting about Drew. The person he had been, the best friend. A pause in the conversation left Billy staring at the walls around them and the bare floor beams over their heads, things found in most basements. His face paled and his breathing grew shallow. She laid her index finger across the back of his hand where it rested on the mattress between them. What were you like before? she asked. What? Billy asked, his eyes flying back to her face. I mean what were you really like? I know what actors were supposed to be like. She laughed, glad to see his shoulders relaxing into the bed beside her, according to the trashy magazines. Now he chuckled. A stiff sound but better than panicked silence. But before were you serious? Proud reckless shallow. Cass shook her head. No, you weren't. Billy's laugh was freer this time. I was a little. There was an unsteady silence between them as the conversation hung on a tipping point. Cass waited for him to say more, hoped he would. I was brave, he said at last. I was the man who came down into the cellar and kissed the wine from your lips. If I was afraid of the water I dove in faster. I was spontaneous and irreverent, like the day I made you laugh in the pet store. He cleared his throat and moved his hands to her shoulder, running it along her arm. I wouldn't have been afraid to touch you. I would have told you who I was. I never hid from anything. With gentle pressure on her arm, Billy pulled her closer and kissed her again. Eventually she turned her back to him and draped his arm over her shoulder. She worried she'd never fall asleep that way, but she needed the warmth, the nearness. She didn't worry long. Soon the steady sounds of Billy's breathing lulled her to sleep. Derek paced beside the lake, knowing he shouldn't be around people when he was in this sort of rage. His frustration rolled just beneath the surface like an undertow, ready to rip him out into deep water. Nothing was going as planned. He glanced up toward the fire. People were gathered around, talking about Drew, talking about Cass, maybe arguing still, over whether she'd been kidnapped or gone with Billy willingly. Derek paused his frantic steps for a moment. At least one thing had gone right. Everyone suspected Billy of Drew's murder. Derek continued pacing. He needed to get himself under control. These next hours were crucial. If he stayed, he needed to appear to be a calm and confident leader, the type of leader who would unite all three groups. No small feat considering how natural such things were to Cam, not to mention how beloved he was. But Cam was soft, sympathetic, weak, and to prevent what had happened to Abby from happening over and over again, a strong leader was needed. Derek had to be in control. He would find some way to override Cam and Hank. It shouldn't be too hard with Cass gone and her allegiance in question, and there was always the easiest option, the one he was best at. A clean, efficient kill. For a second time, Billy woke with Cass in his arms, but whereas the first time he'd woken startled and been eager to see her response, this time he remembered exactly how they'd ended up this way, and he was desperate not to wake her so he could keep her there. Hardly daring to breathe, he shifted, bracing himself up on his arm as well as he could without moving it and waking her. He craned his head around so he could see her face. She was so carefree in sleep, face calm, body relaxed. First it made him smile, and then it made him shudder. In this world, carefree meant only vulnerable. He never wanted her to be vulnerable. She took in a sudden breath and frowned. Her eyelids fluttered and opened. Good morning, Billy said, and he dove down quickly to place a kiss on her cheek. She tensed and squirmed away from him. He pulled back. I'm sorry. Cash shook her head. It's okay, it's fine. I'm just still not used to waking up with someone like this. She studied him. Billy was still as she raised her hand and brushed her fingers across his forehead, arranging his hair. She smiled for a moment before the look slowly faded, and a frown creased her brow. I haven't heard anything, Billy offered, knowing where her thoughts had gone. I've been awake for a bit and I've been listening. I don't think they've come. Not yet, anyway. Cass nodded. Maybe you were right, maybe they're not coming. She shifted around, extricating herself from the thin bed covers which had tangled around the two of them in the night. When she managed to stand, she adjusted her clothing. Brick shook and danced around her as she went into the next room. Billy sniffed and stretched. He followed to find her crouched beside the open map, running her finger along it with eyes narrowed. You never told me what our plan is, he said. I mean I know you want to find out who he broke off, seeing how Cass's shoulders stiffened. Who the mole is. She relaxed and began folding the map. But how do we do that? Cass stood and continued to get ready. As she tightened her belt and adjusted her pistol at her hip, he couldn't help but remember that first day he'd stood before her, intimidated not so much by the presence of the gun, but the sureness in her eyes that promised she knew how to use it. Cass She let out a sigh and picked up her knife, sliding the sheath up her arm and tightening the straps. Billy didn't move to gather his own things but watched and waited. When she turned, she took a step toward him, and then stopped suddenly. She backed up to the nearest wall and pressed herself against it. Come here, she said, letting her arms fall to her sides and arching her back. He tried not to show his eagerness as he came to stand before her. What is it, Cass? Instead of answering, she reached out and wrapped her hands around his forearms, pulling him closer before releasing him. He placed a hand against the wall on either side of her, his body aligned with hers, pressing her into the cool painted concrete. Her breath grew ragged, but she kept her hands down and her gaze steady on his. Maybe we should just leave, she said. Go off on our own just you and me. Billy pushed against her harder. He heard the hitch in her breath at his movement, and he leaned in to take her mouth with his own. He felt her tremble as she responded. Her lips were so soft and her mouth so warm that for a moment he could think of nothing but her taste and the beat of her heart against his chest. He considered saying yes. Pulling away he looked at her face just as her eyes squinted shut. She tipped her head back against the wall, twice, two dull thuds confirming what he already knew. We can't do that, he said. He leaned forward so his lips were at her ear and whispered. You told me I couldn't give up, that I had to prove my innocence. I believe you said that because you want me to be with you and your family. He pulled back to look in her eyes. You won't leave them. She moved her hands forward to grasp his t-shirt on either side of his rib gauge. I won't leave you either. A dark determination filled Cass's eyes as she let go of his shirt, and Billy backed away. Get ready, she said. We have to stop back at that shed before we go. Billy had begun to gather the items for his pack, but paused to ask what for? The C four is coming with us. Hello listeners. Thank you, thank you so much for tuning in to chapter 21 of The Scarring Underneath. Come back each week for a new chapter, or if you can't wait, the ebook and paperback editions are available at the major online retailers. And the paperback is available at this House of Books in Billings, Montana. Visit TSdickerson.com for direct links.