Why Millennials Are The New Matriarchs & Gen X Is Just Feeling Grown

In this episode of Between Mothers and Daughters, Patti and Kamaria are joined by Salina and Ashleigh, another mother-daughter duo. The pairs discuss the growing pains of facing new realities in relationships. friendships, and careers, while also navigating the challenges that come with grief. Salina opens up about mourning her ex, Eddie, who passed at the height of their love and Ashleigh shares her thoughts around being a new wife. There's something for everyone in this conversation and we hope you enjoy. Join us in the comments to share your thoughts!

Follow the host on social media Patti @taskyourself & Kamaria @kamarialeyla and the podcast page @betweenmothersanddaughters.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hi, and welcome back to Between Mothers and Daughters. Because if you can't tell your mother, then who can you tell?

SPEAKER_01 0:05

And today with us we have Selena and Ashley, another mother-daughter combination. So please tell us something about yourselves.

SPEAKER_04 0:12

You go first?

SPEAKER_05 0:14

You were first. I'm Selena, a 50 plus creator, and the mother of three.

SPEAKER_04 0:21

And I am Ashley, a wedding photographer and a new wife. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

One of the three.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

The first.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

The oldest daughter.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Congratulations.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

You're welcome. I saw your TikTok. It was so cute with the Bachelorette party, the old friends were such a few. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

I didn't want to do any TikToks, but you know, they wanted to prove their point of who was old and who was new.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Yes, I'm the same. I have like my oldest friend, Ariel, and then I have new friends since college. I can't wait to have like anytime I get to have them all in the same room. I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_04 0:53

I know. I was really, really excited. I was nervous, but then I was like, I'm so excited because now I feel like the wedding is gonna be so much fun. Because now they're all friends.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

How's wedding planning going for you as the mom? It's it's it's wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

She's being held hostage.

SPEAKER_05 1:11

Right, exactly. The experience to be I'm gonna not cry, but starting off strong. I cry all the time. But the experience of I have three, this is my only daughter, and to go through this process with her is been, you know, like my lifelong dream. And my daughter is the kindest soul. So, you know, she after Eddie passed and everything, night we're getting, we're jumping ahead. But she, you know, was like, you know, we're you know, we're gonna plan a wedding, you know, you can you do it? And I was like, bitch, please. I've been waiting my whole life. I've been waiting my whole life for this. So um it's it's it's a lot of work, it's stressful, but we are it's been an amazing experience. So I'm really, I'm really glad about it. We're excited. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Nice. So you had new and old friends in the room. Yes. Um and I come from the land of very few old friends. Okay. Also, very few new friends, but you know, it's it's a it's uh it's challenging for me. And I think our generation a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 2:17

Yeah, you felt like away when you saw it for your own, like looking back at your own life and your own friendship, you were like, Oh, I don't really have that. And I I not to be like I'm not I'm not anyone, I've always had friends. Yeah. And so, like my oldest friend, we became friends when we were like three. So she's there, and then I have a friend that I met three years ago, and then there's the dynamic of who you're closer with and not closer with, and just because life changes, things change, people have babies, they get married, they move away, and so you do worry about like the jealousy and who wants to be closest to you, and you try your hardest to kind of like give everybody what you can, yeah, but sometimes it just doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

So, your friend that you your oldest friend, how often do you all talk? How often do you keep in talk? Um I'm trying to figure out how this works.

SPEAKER_04 3:03

We talk often. I think a big shift happens when she became a mom. Okay. Um, and most of my friends are moms, which is not a problem for me. I just think that she became a mom, and that's it. And so for me, it was like, I'm trying my best here. I'm throwing the baby shower, I'm throwing the the first birthday, I'm showing you.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

So you've done your outreach.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

I'm doing my thing. I'm asking you like, Am I doing enough? Like, I'm making you dinner for you and your husband, and all these kind of things. And it was kind of like, well, okay.

SPEAKER_05 3:40

And that's when I have to jump in. So, and the other part of it for her was that she explained something to me that I didn't even see that way was all of these people are her friend. So now you have to see if these people can interact with each other because the common denominator is Ashley. Right. So then that's the thing. She's kind of navigating these relationships. And then the other part of it is that yes, when you your friends, you know, become wives and then become mothers, and then sometimes the single friend who's not married and doesn't have children at the time, you kind of forget about them a little bit. So me as the mama bear, I'm like, don't play with my kid. Like her birthday is just as important, or her solar equinox is just as important for her because they do get caught up. But she's there for every letter opening for anyone and everyone. She celebrates everyone. So for me, I'm just like, did did they say congratulations? Was it reciprocal? Yeah. Because I don't I know and and 100% not necessarily, you know, not necessarily financial, going out and buying, you know, a custom blah, blah, blah, but acknowledging my child and everything you do. It's given like Carrie Bradshaw, everything you do is now centered around a kid, and you're not taking it into consideration that my my daughter loves your children and loves them and is trying to be there for them, but everything does not have to be at a freaking bouncy house. Right, right. Like, please, for the love of God, can I have a martini for good? So, you know, and and my daughter is very good with much better than me. I've learned to verbalize her feelings with her friends. For I it was important. It's not I'm not that way. Yeah. She'll be like, Yeah, I had to get on the phone with so and so and say so and so.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And I was like, I don't even have the bandwidth for it for whatever reason. Okay. Okay. You know what? And I know that about myself.

SPEAKER_04 5:45

Yeah. Yeah. To have that conversation. Like you don't have the bandwidth.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Or the level of interest. The level of showing up.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

Because I'm like you. I I show up for people. Like when she was pregnant, I'm in the house, I'll do dishes and breakfast this week, you know, whatever I can do. But all of my friends are in such different parts of life. Like same. Some of my friends have new babies, some of my friends have new boobs. And I think the party for both. And I'll show up with balloons to both. There is a balance. Yes, there is. And that's her.

SPEAKER_05 6:18

And that's my daughter. And so it was like um her one of her biggest birthdays was COVID. Um, and you know, sh she goes all out, and I was like, we're gonna have a drive-by. Everybody, I don't don't play with me. Everybody better drive by. From far yon and hither and yon, you better show up with a sunflower because that's her favorite flower. Like you need to, I don't care, but but you you can stop what you're doing for five minutes. And so, and so they did. Um, and so yes, seeing that TikTok, I I wasn't there and seeing that, and I know her, and I know them, but seeing that she invited me.

SPEAKER_04 6:59

And she was like, all of a sudden, you're not one of my little friends.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

And then any other day, you want to be one of my little friends. And then you're like, I'm not gonna listen to that. I was like, ah, T T Roman.

SPEAKER_04 7:12

Okay. I will say though, as I've gotten older with the new friend's old friend thing, I think what I've tried to make my younger friends or my older friends understand in a way that's like not mean, is we became friends because of circumstance. You're in my class, you're on my bus, our moms are friends. Not that I care to get you, it's not that I don't love you. The friends I make as an adult, I chose. Right. And when I meet them, I'm like, oh, I like this person. I want to keep them. Or I'm like, uh uh. Right. Get this away from me. And so we're more aligned on like what we think, how we feel, the things that we do. And it's not that I don't want to do the things that you do and like, it's just that these people are just more aligned with who I am and who and I know who I am now as an adult. I didn't know who I was then. So we're just going along with what the other person's going along with. We don't really know what's going on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Very valid point.

SPEAKER_04 8:04

Yeah. And so I think that's the biggest thing with the friends that are older and newer. It's just kind of like the newer friends, it's not that you like them better.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

You're just more the same interest. But like your mom said, you're also good at communicating your feelings, which is important with having friendships that long.

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:21

And but I think that it's for you know, sometimes people think the longevity of it validates the friendship. I've known you forever, so I'm automatically supposed to be included, or I'm automatically supposed to be there, or you're automatically supposed to accept me. And I think that that was one of the things that my daughter is very good at that time does not just make a friendship.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Because you had a long-term friend that you ended up parting ways with outgrowing your relationship.

SPEAKER_05 8:52

Yeah. And and when I talked about it, people were like, Oh, you know, it was a surface friendship and blah, blah, blah. And I said, No, we knew each other since we were children. We we were 12, 14 years old. I said, the problem was the distance. We lived far from each other. That was the issue. So talking on the phone is one thing. When we were in each other's presence, sh it dawned on her that she does not like me. And and I'm okay with that. If the way she exited, I would have appreciated a different way, but I get it.

SPEAKER_01 9:24

So I listened to that podcast, right? Mm-hmm. You know when somebody doesn't like you.

SPEAKER_00 9:28

Yeah.

unknown 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:29

She not did. She not she didn't get kidnapped because the comments were wide.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I know when someone doesn't like me. I can tell. I could tell. It's not jealousy-based or whatever. They just decided, you know what, you're not my cup of tea anymore.

SPEAKER_05 9:41

Right. And one one of the things that I said on that was that when you have people that are in your life for a very long time, they do want you to succeed, but they don't want you to exceed their expectations for you. So we she and I, we grew up in the trenches. Right. When I took woo. And to not see me that way anymore and living color, she was not interested. Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:08

She didn't want to be You outgrew the version that she knew.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

Yes, 100%. And you talking to someone on the phone, and we're older, young people, they love to FaceTime each other, look at each other. So we're not even doing that. We could have talked every day on the phone.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

She could be rolling her eyes for all you know.

SPEAKER_05 10:22

And that's maybe probably what she was doing. So in my presence, I could there was a physical, like visceral reaction to me. She did not like me.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:32

And I just think that as an adult, you can say, you know.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

But you know what? I've gotten to the point so much where I just don't take it. I I'm good at not taking things personally. In my head, in your situation, I would have said, She don't like something about herself. And I remind her of it. That's it. That's just 100% interesting.

SPEAKER_05 10:48

When I was telling them, I was when I was when I was discussing it, I was saying that I didn't I didn't miss her. I was like so, it was it was sad that like my I got to see my daughter, and I was like, that's so lovely that the old and the new were together. And I was like, I I didn't mourn her. I was like, this is such a shame. Right. That because there's a lot of people that don't like me. I mean, I'm trying to tell you. Sometimes I like myself. And that's okay. But to not be an adult enough, because I broke up with a friend before, a lady that we used to, we were friends, very friendly, hyacinth, I don't care. And one day I she's on the phone with me, and I said to her, and the conversations were one-sided. It was never like, it would be like, hey girl, how you doing? And I'm like, Oh, I'm good. She's like, yeah. So, and then she would go into a tirade, and that was always the way. It was never like a check-in. Yeah. And so one day I said to her, What's my middle son's name? Ooh.

unknown 11:52

What?

SPEAKER_05 11:53

I said, What is my child's name? I know. And she had two conversations with you. And she couldn't tell me. And I said, you know what? That's okay. I said, this relationship has run its course. Yeah. Listen, and she was a taker.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

You were giving and she was.

SPEAKER_05 12:09

She was shocked. And I hung up that phone and I was like, ooh, that I was relieved.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

And I never looked back. Okay, so relationships run their course. I have I haven't even shared this with Kamaria yet. I have a friend that I I no longer speak to, right? And I'm just like, um, yeah, like is it We had a conversation.

SPEAKER_05 12:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

And if I share the story, most people probably figure out who it is. But he said he shared something that I shared online. And I was like, whoa. I didn't know that we were doing that.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

What do you mean he shared it? He shared it. Discussed it.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Oh, he discussed it. Right. Without naming my name or just call, you know, he said they they, them, or whatever. So I called him up and I said, Were you talking about me? Well, I said, he said, yeah. I said, one that wasn't isn't what I said. Yeah. He said first of all, you didn't even get it right. Now you don't really piss me out. But you you've made it clickbait. Right? Oh wow. And then um, I should say they said, no. Um and then in the comments, when people were like, you know, he was kind of mean about it. And I said, if I offended you in any sort of way, I apologize. I I didn't mean that. We had had previous conversations along these lines, right, or whatever. And and I was like, I just didn't know that that was he was like, well, my audience thought it was appropriate. It was a good conversation. I said, Oh, so I people don't know you from the game. So I said, um, I thought to myself, we don't have the security that we're supposed to have in this friendship. Right? And so I just block, block, block, right? Because for me, yes, you can terminate friendships. 100%. Or you can just say, you know what, I'm done. Right. Right. This doesn't serve me. And you know, and I was like, but and then you said relief, and that's what made me think of this story, because the relief I have since felt.

SPEAKER_03 13:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

You know what? Because there was a there was beginning to be a growing anxiety in these conversations because there was a lot of comparison, there's a lot of just things, and I'm like, this is work. This is work. I don't like that. Right.

SPEAKER_05 14:08

I don't like that. It's supposed to be fun. Right, right, right, right. Because because you, as my friend, whether it's the long-term friend or not, you still are chosen. Correct. If I get on her nerves, she can get off the phone and be like, She got on my nerves, but she's gonna call me tomorrow because this is my child. But if you are my friend, whether 20 years or two days, you are a choice. My friend, my man, my husband.

SPEAKER_04 14:34

No, but I don't think people realize like for me, I always say I'm really good at relationships. Friendships, my mom, my siblings, my cousin, if you got sense. I don't keep around people that don't got no sense. But I'm really good at relationships, and that is across the board. So if there is a man in my life who's not doing right by me, I'm not keeping them. And I think the same goes for friendship, but I think sometimes in sisterhood, women feel like, well, you have to give me as many chances as possible because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And sometimes it's just not that it's just not necessary because you're taking advantage. It's not right.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

You know what? And so and sometimes because I end friendships when they should be ended, people are like, Oh, you're not that great at relationships. No, I am. I just I I have I have and I have even more strict boundaries now, right? So I have strict boundaries that don't allow me to just continue forward when I start getting the for lack of better words, the ink.

SPEAKER_05 15:33

Right, right, right. Because it doesn't I don't need to keep my hand on the stove to know it's hot. It's quick. Right, it's real quick. And the older you get, like I think that that's the thing about an older uh a relationship when you are older, is that you do know when the stove is hot. Right. So you do know that this person's views align, or this person we have similar, you know, feelings and views, and or that, you know what, this may be an acquaintance because when I talked about it on uh was one of the things that I said is that y'all like to throw that word around friend. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A friend has, you know, been in my home or a friend has traveled together, people that I see out in the street all the time, or you know, you know, you know they they, you know, no disrespect because I love all of my supporters, but those people are my supporters. They're they're I I wouldn't call you a friend because you don't know, you know, the intricacies. You don't know me in the bathroom crying about Eddie two nights ago.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

Okay, I'll say this if they saw you online crying about Eddie, they feel like they do. Right. That's your parasocial relationship. Yes, yes, right. Yes, yes. A gentleman that I speak to, you know, parasocially all the time, you know, hi, hi, no flirting, no nothing, right? He was like, you know what, let's, girl, trying to reach you, you know, through DMs, just give me your number. And I said, sir. Here you go. You done messed up the church's money now.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

And now you cut off. Because normally I will go, I said, you know what, I'm not gonna block you because we've been friends online for so long. I said, but normally this will get a man blocked immediately. I said, let me just share with you. Maybe you feel like you know me because you've seen my daughter, my mama, and you know some of the things I do. Right, right. I've never even been to your page. I don't know if it's private or not. I don't know anything about you. Right. We We are not friends.

SPEAKER_05 17:32

Right. And and I remember when, you know, Eddie Pazed and I went back on and somebody commented and was like, um, you know, it's okay to it's it's fine to take time to grieve. And they posted it on the page. And I said, I just need you to be clear. You are never gonna see me in a widow's shroud, dragging across that black wall, crying in a corner over him. And if you do not like the way I grieve, you can let yourself out. Because as much as I enjoy it and you are all so kind, you are we have a different kind of relationship. Correct. You're not going to get that part of me that you want to get. And I share a decent amount. Half of them didn't even know I had three children.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Listen because that's when they really started showing up when Eddie passed. Oh, 100%. Your grief was the kids were always with you. They were in, you know, and they just started being in all the videos and different things. There was somebody by your side. Yeah. So even though you were showing up, you were showing up with your support. Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_04 18:32

And they feel the more they see, the more they know. So they're like, we're definitely friends. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And it's funny, I had a learning experience. It was a really good one. One of my friends, I can say his name, right? Doesn't matter. Okay. He's medicine. And we don't care. So one of my best friends' name is Jramel. He's married to ObiO. And my husband and Obio are best friends now. They're really close friends. Nice. So I'm really close with one, and he's really close with the other. And so we're at their house. You know, we're, you know, whatever. We're DNA. And um, we were talking about friendship. And Obio is very strict with who he calls friends. And I said, Well, are we friends? And his husband's iron said, Oh, Lord, girl, why are you doing that? I said, No, it's okay. And Obio said, We're not there yet. Yeah. And I was like, cool. I think right.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

I love when people talk to me straight.

SPEAKER_04 19:22

And I said, We're not there yet. And like you would assume I'm in your house. You know what I'm saying? Like, uh, me and your husband, we're okay, you out with mine, we, you know. But he was like, we're not there yet. And he and I said, that's fine. And you know, Jamal was like, oh Lord Jesus. I said, that doesn't bother me. Right, right. Respectfully tell me the truth. Now we're friends. Right. Like the other night at midnight. And I said, oh friend! But like that's okay. Like, I don't think I think everyone wants so much access to you that they forget what that actually looks like and how exhausting it is to be a friend sometimes. Like when people are going, especially as we get older, people's mamas and their daddies, somebody's sick, somebody fell, somebody going, somebody at the hospital, somebody having a baby.

SPEAKER_05 20:08

It's always like the sandwich. You're in the middle of the older people and the younger people.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

And it is a lot. And it is a lot going on in your lives. And I'll say this. Selena and I have been going to the same event for I don't even know how many years, right? And maybe I don't even know how long ago we exchanged numbers. Right. I don't know that we've ever called each other on the phone now. She said, okay. Like Right. Like, and so friendships grow. Oh, yeah. You know, and so when people come out the gate and they're like, hey, friend, I'm like.

SPEAKER_04 20:43

You're like, oh, well, here now I have to tell you that we're not that's crazy. And the thing is too even in relationship.

SPEAKER_05 20:50

Because then they do the you didn't tell me. How come you didn't tell me? Because you're not my friend. Right. I didn't know I was supposed to tell you. So yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

I do think the millennials treat friendship and community way different than the generation before us. I feel myself really trying to foster community. I'm an only child, so I've always like adopted siblings, you know, had friends who stay with us and stuff like that. You know.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

So you're the new matriarch.

SPEAKER_02 21:14

I do feel like, in a lot of ways, I'm the one who's making sure our family comes together for Thanksgiving. I'm the one asking, like, whether what's on the kids' Christmas list, let me send it help send it to everybody. I'm the one, you know, trying to make sure that the food is actually gonna get cooked on time. So you chew?

SPEAKER_04 21:28

Yes, to an extent. With more with um, so it's funny you say your only child. My husband and I decided we only want one child. And so a lot of our conversation is about community and like sharing and like cousins and all those kind of things. And so I think that a part of the reason that I like push with my friends and like to the foster the community and the parties and the blah blah blah blah is so that one day they do have community outside of school. Right. Because they ain't gonna have It in the house. Right. And I had it in my house, funny enough, although my siblings and I are so far apart. So Mark is seven years apart from me, and Nicholas is 17 years younger than I was. Oh, I don't think I realized that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:11

So I always tell people that I have three only children. Because we are forever. And then I told her this other kid is coming, and she was like I was like why? And then I'm at her graduation from high school with this kid in a carriage. Oh my God. And so d what what she's saying is 100% true. And one of the one of my I have good one of my worst traits is that I don't do family well. I do my family. I hate when she says that. I don't I I don't like it. I don't like those people. But um Okay, why do you hate when she says it?

SPEAKER_04 22:45

Because I think she does family very well. I did. No, I know she does. I think that because you choose to remove people out of your life does not necessarily mean that you're not doing a good job. She's like that. She's uh she's my mom, and I have my siblings, and my my husband, he'll call her before he'll call anybody else.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

Because she's your family, so you guys do that.

SPEAKER_04 23:09

She's clearly she's clearly doing it well. Setting boundaries with people that do not need to be in our space.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

So your family may not feel like you do family well because you have removed them from your space. You actually do do family well.

SPEAKER_05 23:26

I I Because clearly right. So th that's the the the beauty of perspective. So for me in my family, I have two younger brothers, I'm the firstborn daughter, you know, we're exhausted. And so I always, it didn't matter if matter if I lived in a house or a little apartment, I always, it's Thanksgiving at my house. It's let's rally the troops, let's get the thing, we're gonna get the grill, we're doing a phase. So you went through the hosting phase. So I went through that all the time and did that. And then one year I woke up and I was like, these MFs don't appreciate me. And so I just stopped doing it. And and it got to the point where, you know, she's having her life and going to be with friends, and the middle kid is gone and in the Air Force, and it's just me and the baby, and I was like, you know, I don't want to do it anymore. And then my daughter has the ability to bring people together and set up a beautiful space and and make people feel seen. So then she started doing it. So now it's like the last year it was like, are you gonna Ma? When are you gonna make the macaroni and cheese?

SPEAKER_04 24:29

Yeah, girl, like she just stopped making the ding mac and cheese.

SPEAKER_05 24:32

I was like, I gotta do the mac and cheese. I gotta get the groceries. Did she even want to cook it? Like I gotta bring her the groceries. I don't want to do this anymore because Ashley's doing such a good job. But I think the the one thing that I I will say is that, and I appreciate that that my daughter says that is because I made sure that a lot of those generational nonsense that we all grew up with. Okay, so that's what I was persuading because I I said no more. I don't care if that's the only person with the matching blood type that can save you. I don't give a fuck. You cannot come in my house if you are disrespectful. You cannot come to the wedding if you are disrespectful. And there's a a problem with I I'm I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 25:19

I we did get married already at the courthouse earlier this month. But there is a wedding happening this later this month. It just feels like girl, okay, it's my husband.

SPEAKER_04 25:36

But you're planning a wedding. It's like girl, okay. I just had to clear that.

SPEAKER_05 25:42

Even when even when they got married, totally off topic, but even the day after everybody went home, I called her later and I was like, you are a witch.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

I just touched his he actually is my husband. Like, no, it's a wedding happening.

SPEAKER_04 25:59

So I can get if anyone's confused.

SPEAKER_01 26:01

But anyway, sorry, you were saying about family and stuff and removing people. I think our generation didn't do the healing and the fixing and the whatever. And so as we become more self-actualized, like and we set our own boundaries, and then you have to step into that space where everyone's still acting like they've always acted, and you say, you know what, I don't have to do this. This is this is electric.

SPEAKER_04 26:21

And we're not. Even with a husband, people don't like when I say that I don't do unconditional love. Like there's conditions.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

There are conditions.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

And that's why they made a thing called divorce. Love him down. Damn. A grown man, unconditional me, little old me.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

I love him down today. Today. I pray I love him down tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

I pray you love him down for the next two years.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

I pray I love him down the day after day of the day. But I can't promise, Liz, that that will stay the same.

SPEAKER_04 26:51

And write the conditions down in case you ever forget them.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

Like with the gener with the generational, like, you know, please notice the terms and conditions on the back of your parent sentence. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:02

So like it's like a it's a choice still. And I'm choosing to be with you today, and I hope tomorrow when I wake up, I'm like, ooh, yeah, I choose to be with you again.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Okay, so listen, let me just let you know that the podcast bros, if they ever get a hold of this conversation, like they don't like to hear that we have options. Because they don't.

SPEAKER_05 27:20

He blew up the internet when she said she's been divorced three times.

SPEAKER_03 27:24

Right. But you chose you saw what you needed to see and decided that you don't want to see it no more.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

And then I also said in there that I'm part I'm the problem, okay? Thank you. I'm the problem. I haven't I'm the problem.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

And that's the part that's so crazy. Like with that whole friendship thing. And I said she doesn't like me, and that's okay. There's probably a lot of people that don't like me. Nope, still they don't want to hear it. I know that when I go back to my apartment and rub my feet together and maybe have a you know, a mobile support, pile of laundry next to me in the bed, and have a chip on the other side. This is my place. But and the person might not want to be bothered with me, and I know that I have faults, but people don't want to hear that. They just want to hear that you got married and you got divorced so many times, and you're taking onus. And why do it listen? If this car doesn't run like I want it to run, I'm gonna get a new one.

SPEAKER_01 28:18

Every time I'm gonna lease with the option to buy. And and if I and if I find out, you know what it's not, the car. I don't like cars. You know, but I'll become the Martha. You know, I have options. Right.

SPEAKER_05 28:32

And I think that the one thing that I do love about the younger generation is that they do know that.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 28:38

And they do know that with, you know, if I may not want to have any children or maybe I just want to have any children. A lot of us do.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

But that last that last podcast clip, what revealed to me is how many people don't know that. And have they have options. And patriarchy of a woman's life and what they saw being the conditions that they think my life should look like too. Right. And that to me was just so eye-opening because I live in a world where I am a r I'm not I don't think I'm in an echo chamber, but I do spend a lot of time around very people who think like me. You know, very open-minded people, very modern people. And then to realize how many people my age and even younger think that, you know, I'm doing something so radical. Yeah, right. It's true. It it reminds me sometimes like this is a big wide world. Okay. And there are people who have experiences look l nothing like me, mine, even though they may like look like me. Yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_05 29:28

And it's so interesting because I do know young people who still, you know, my my I I I think my children value my opinion. They come and talk to me about every each and everything, and I'm grateful. But there's still some people that I know that my daughter knows that you know, like the situation is not good, the relationship is not good, and the mother's like, You you need to go home. Right.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

Why? And that's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 29:53

Ashley, get your shit.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Right, right. Do you need me to come with a trucker box? Are we just leaving it all? Like which which one is it?

SPEAKER_05 30:00

Yeah. So and and it doesn't I don't care, boy or girl, whatever. If the situation does not serve you, get your shit and go. I don't and so I I feel for some people who, you know, they're the our generation has are not allowing themselves to evolve as well. Because then that does trickle down on your children and some of the choices that they make or the It's a scarcity thing. Oh, 100%.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

Yeah, oh, it can't get no better. This is my best option. I'm this old, it's not gonna, I'm not gonna find anything.

SPEAKER_04 30:34

I always tell women, and they think when you're in a relationship that you can't say that, but it's like the best thing I did was wait. Eric and I have been together almost seven years. But the best thing that I did, aside from the fact like the wedding we would have had seven years ago, ain't the wedding that we gonna have now. Right, right, right. But if I would have ended up with anybody I was with before, that would I would have had to, I would have been divorced already. I would have been out of that relationship already. And I feel like when you wait and you know yourself more, you're able to choose a partner that you can show up for every day and say, like, oh, this is this is the person I want to be with today. Because the one thing about my man is if I don't like something, it it's quick. It's gonna change. He might have a little something to say in the moment. Right. But the next day, it's done.

SPEAKER_02 31:21

Right.

SPEAKER_04 31:22

Why would I do anything less? Right, exactly. So as of right now, I can choose you every day because I see what you're capable of doing. Exactly. But people don't want to wait for that, they just wanna be in it. They just want the gratification of it all. Yeah, they just want it to have it.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

The title, the role, the something.

SPEAKER_05 31:38

And it's like we were your your mother and I were are in were in a generation that you you were basically taught that whatever success or or how your life was going to be was based on the man that you were with. And I taught my children, but especially my daughter, because one of the things that um I've always been with my children, but especially Ashley was 100% honest. These niggas ain't shit. Um you know, have your own, you can and so to the point that we joke now that Ashley would be like, My mother said that I could do with anything. And so it was my aunt has a saying that she says, when you have a man that that is the gravy on your plate. That because without that gravy, that's still a whole the gravy is makes it delicious, or a little bit more delicious, but that is still a whole meal. And so what my daughter knew was that I'm the meal. No, yes.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

If you want to put a little gravy, come put a little gravy. But what I'm gonna do is whip you into a shape. So have you all always had this level of conversation? Yes. And so you know what? And I think uh like Kamari and I have as well, and people sometimes find it odd and or weird, and I'm like, Okay. But I think it's because we didn't grow up having these levels of conversation.

SPEAKER_05 32:58

No.

SPEAKER_01 32:58

We weren't told these type of things. We were told to stay and to put up with it. And and and they also come from a generation where it was necessary for them to stay and to put up with it. But uh yeah, and and because I didn't have this, I wanted something different for my daughter. Oh, 100%. 100%. Yeah. But even like sometimes even where we're places, they're like, or even in the comments section, they're like, Your mother said what?

SPEAKER_04 33:22

But who's gonna like you said, who is gonna be the one to tell you if you know I could tell my friend on anything, like, girl, leave that man. Right. If your mama tells you to go back, right, right, right, right, then like what I think doesn't matter. And that that just happened. I have a friend who finally left. Like she finally left, and we were like, yes, girl, I'm so happy. And her mama told her to go back, and she's back. And so it's like if you're if your mom cannot tell you or give you the blueprint of whatever it is that she thinks you should do, you're gonna be your own person, obviously. Then like who is gonna be the person to tell you? Because you're not gonna listen to your friend over your mama most times.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

Right. That is so true.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

And so here's what because she can come and tell me the whole story, right? And I'll be like, mm-hmm.

unknown 34:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Same.

SPEAKER_01 34:08

Because sometimes I'll be like, Why you do them like that? What do you think? And I'll be like, Well, here are my thoughts. Right. What are your thoughts? Right. Okay, share with me your thoughts. We'll go over pros and cons. And at the end of the day, she's grown. She goes, she's gonna have to have some lessons on her own. She can learn some lessons from me. Right. But I'm like, okay, but I heard you, I support you. If you, you know, want to stay.

SPEAKER_02 34:33

But that is like the benefit of our relationship, which I do know is a little one of a kind, apparently, according to the comments. Apparently. Apparently. But half the time I don't even be wanting to tell my mama. But for me to fully process it, I have to. So I just have to say it. I have to bounce it off of her to actually make it make sense to me sometimes.

SPEAKER_04 34:49

But also to tell someone, like, I know if I call my mom and I'm like, girl, it should be like, girl, you done messed up. And I'm like, oh. Okay, this isn't the ball that we were gonna have.

SPEAKER_02 34:59

I'm gonna say, I'm done with them. I'm actually done this time. Yeah, yeah, no. I'm actually done.

SPEAKER_04 35:05

But also, you have someone who's gonna like help you, but someone that's like, no, you know, you shouldn't have did that.

SPEAKER_02 35:12

You can call it the wake up and I'm like, if we did the wrong thing, I immediately have to apologize. I was actually wild in the house.

SPEAKER_03 35:25

Crazy, I hate that.

SPEAKER_02 35:29

Because then you're like, I was really wrong.

SPEAKER_04 35:31

Like say something about me, and she's like, yeah, and I'm like, are they talking about me? Is this talking about me? Get me out of here. Actually, I'm sorry. Now I'm just gonna cry.

SPEAKER_03 35:46

This is my girl crying. Cue the girl, cue the tears.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

Yeah, no, yeah, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_03 35:53

I'm just hungry.

SPEAKER_02 35:54

Here we go the whole story. Okay, so you mentioned that your youngest just he's just got out the house.

SPEAKER_05 36:00

Yeah, he's in he's finally in college and left to go. So that was a big transition for me because my whole identity is somebody's mom.

SPEAKER_02 36:11

Really? Yeah. Which is so crazy because you know, a lot of people don't see you that way. Like you said, a lot of your audience just found out you have kids. Right.

SPEAKER_05 36:18

I mean, they knew about Ashley forever, but um, and during the pandemic, Nicholas and I were doing our videos, so it was then Nicholas was featured, so then they kind of forgot about Ashley. But then when Eddie passed and we did the video together, and they saw my middle son, they were like, What the hell? I didn't know you had three children. Yeah, um, because people don't have three children anymore. That was dumb. But that was silly. It's very children. So too many. Um don't recommend it.

SPEAKER_03 36:45

Just keep going, huh? In this economy.

SPEAKER_05 36:48

Right, right. So um, so for him to leave and to go to college was like the biggest transition because I've never not lived with another person. Wow. So it was very how is it feeling like chronic liver aloner? So I like fantastic. Yes, okay. Fantastic. So I left my parents' house, got an apartment, and this kid came. Her father and I had this kid, and there's always been kids. It's just been And you got a three-bedroom. And so I moved to this to the apartment. Um, I talked to the kids, and I was like, I think it's time to move. And my daughter was like, finally. Because that was the I lived in that apartment forever. I had a three-bedroom, two baths. I love my apartment. And there were a million children had come into that apartment over those years because our friends. She used to have friends that would come on Friday after school and be there the whole weekend. So my house was the house. So there's, you know, all those gener generational things we don't do anymore. But the one thing was you can't sleep at other people's house. They can come here because they knew what was in my house. I meet everybody's parents, I'm gonna call, I'm gonna talk to you, whatever. And so there was always children at my house for years. So then Nicholas leaves, and I'm like, I think it's time. And so and I'm one of those people that is like, once the decision is made, it was like December. No, Thanksgiving, I'm gonna move December 12th. I was in my new apartment. I gotta go. Wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:22

No, I'm okay. So I saw your apartment. Yes. And I think it was, I don't know, maybe the top of April. And I said, I'm getting a new apartment.

SPEAKER_04 38:30

No, but that's how you have to do it. You can't even think you gotta think about it.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Let's go, let's go. By the time this airs, I will be in my new apartment.

SPEAKER_05 38:39

Because you because you have to, and and for me, this was the first time that I moved somewhere that was like selfish for me. It's not by nobody's school, it's not by, you know, it's not convenient, it's not, it's it's all new and shiny, and and I'm not worried about anything kid related because it was like my grown-up space. So it was, it's been very exciting for me.

SPEAKER_02 39:06

And decorating your space just for you, I feel like that's it's so grown, and it's another level of self-care.

SPEAKER_01 39:12

Everything while feeling grown at like 55.

SPEAKER_05 39:17

Oh my god, I said to my daughter and my son-in-law, her husband, the other day that I got, um, I don't cook no more either because I'm tired, child. I bought like this prepared meal. It was like pasta with some um meatballs. So he's always mad because I don't eat my son-in-law. So anyway, I made it and then the next, and I only ate half of it, and I said to my daughter, it was so good. And I got up yesterday morning and ate it for breakfast because I was like, I have free will to be grown. Grown. I could eat whatever I want to eat, like the best thing.

SPEAKER_01 39:47

It is so wild feeling grown at 60.

SPEAKER_05 39:50

It's incre it's crazy. I woke up the other day, it was three o'clock in the morning. I woke up. I just don't sleep. It's crazy. I woke up at 3 o'clock in the morning and I was like, you're not like tied down in the bed like mommy dearest. I got up and started just wandering, putting things away, doing it. My favorite girl dinner?

SPEAKER_02 40:07

Pickles, popcorn, and wine.

SPEAKER_05 40:08

You see what I'm saying? Like, why are we don't stress ourselves out?

SPEAKER_01 40:12

So, Selena now with this level of freedom that you're feeling in your heart and spirit and in your space. Do you want another relationship?

SPEAKER_05 40:19

No, I I I won't survive it.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Really?

SPEAKER_05 40:23

And I won't survive it. This I'm barely surviving this. I I can't. Because there's first of all, that man won't survive it. Because every time he opens his mouth and he starts breathing, I'm gonna be like, Eddie didn't do it like that. Why are you breathing? I can hear you. Like who Eddie is? Oh, so Eddie, we uh uh if for people who don't know, Eddie was the love of my life. And he um I met him at 50 and he was 60. And um unfortunately he passed away. How'd you meet him? Suddenly, my daughter. Thank you. We're out in the street walking in the wild. So you do still have to go outside. I do have to know online is still a good way to meet you.

SPEAKER_04 41:09

I didn't go outside, I met my man in the DMs.

SPEAKER_05 41:11

Oh, period. Oh, yeah. So that's like online, okay? So because the difference is like this, the new online. Um, and so we're out walking at an event. I leave, she walk, we're walking by, we see Eddie standing outside, my daughter walks me by, and as we get to the corner, she says, like you know how women do sideways. She's like, Did you see him? And I was like, I did. And she said, We're going back. And I said, I said, I don't do that. And she said, No, I said, we don't do that because women my general age, you don't do that. Right at all. She said, Oh my god, she said, Well, we're doing it today. And she swung me around and went back. And that was the best thing.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

Okay, so did you see him looking at her? Did you see that wasn't paying us any mind?

SPEAKER_04 41:55

He was thinking with the mom that's just shooting your shot. I've never been in a relationship where I was not the one who did it. She's the aggressor always. I'm always the aggressor. And they say that women who do that have better relationships every single time.

SPEAKER_05 42:08

Ashley, well, they're gonna see this. Ashley was out at a party with her man at the time.

SPEAKER_03 42:14

Man, he was my ex-man.

SPEAKER_05 42:15

We were just with her man friend at the time and saw another gentleman and took her phone and handed it to him. You just do a sneak.

SPEAKER_04 42:23

I said, put your number in my phone.

SPEAKER_05 42:25

And went on about her being. He said, What? I said, Oh my god, it's so stupid.

SPEAKER_04 42:28

Just put your number in the phone.

SPEAKER_05 42:29

Like, come on, like the ex-boyfriend spice hair. Been the aggressor. So when she said you're gonna do that, I was like.

unknown 42:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 42:37

Because I feel like this.

SPEAKER_04 42:38

You either you're leaving with something more or what you came with. It's never less. You're not gonna, like, he was he gonna be like, oh no, I'm married, or no, you're not my type. It's like, okay, well, bye.

SPEAKER_01 42:48

You're not my type either me either. I need to know what happens next in the conversation so I can so I can study this formula.

SPEAKER_05 42:54

So we we we walk back over to him and she says, and it's so funny because when she does it in her mannerisms, she had a cardigan on it. I did have a cardigan because the old lady, like so she took the cardigan and wrapped it, and she said, excuse me. And me, who has not shut up this whole thing. Wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_03 43:10

Hold on though. Here's the thing, Miss Instagram, right?

SPEAKER_04 43:13

This is hilarious because he's over there. All right, she's like over there, and I'm over here with him. She's still over there, and I'm like, I'm like in the back because I my flabbers were gassed.

SPEAKER_05 43:25

What? And then around the corner, like I'm trying to like listen, but looking like blah blah blah, like and so she's like after I said, Are you single?

SPEAKER_04 43:40

He said yes. And I said, Is there anyone that thinks they're in a relationship with you? He said no. And then I said, Well, this is my mother. And he said, Oh, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 43:48

I'm I'm No, he said, he said, no, no, no, I'm 60. And she said, Oh, I said it's not for me. Um she said, we like that. Yeah, because you really kinda, you know.

SPEAKER_02 43:57

And a lot of these 60s are like, yeah, what's up?

SPEAKER_04 43:59

Yeah, exactly. He was like, no, no, no, no, I'm 60. Right. And I said, oh no, no, it's for my mom. And he said, That's your mom. I said, yes.

unknown 44:07

Come on.

SPEAKER_04 44:09

I'm still like. So he said his name, but I at the time I was like, I don't know what he said. So I asked him to repeat it, and he said it again. And I said, I don't know what he said. And I was like, this is Selena. I said, okay, well. Oh, you guys are still not going to chime in. Okay. We're going to exchange numbers now. So she can't even hold it.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

She's like, she's terrified imagining me doing this going like this.

SPEAKER_05 44:33

Like, actually it's like, oh my God. So she takes it and she says to him, Here, can you put your number in her phone? And he does. And then she says, I'm going to let you gentlemen get back to your evening. And she takes my arm and away and says, I will not be on the date. And she keeps going. Right. So you'll have to learn to talk again. So I'm like, when I tell you, we get to the corner and we're like, we're 12. I'm cracking up. You're 12. Giggling. I'm like, oh my God. So we the part that's so so interesting that night. We're as we're walking. As we're walking, there is a wedding dress shop. It's October. It is night. It's like lit up beautiful. And I take a picture of this wedding dress shop. And then uh I keep it in my phone. The next day I go to work and I'm like. I get off at four. It's like three o'clock. I call her. I was like, he didn't call me. And she said, Oh my, how is he gonna call you? You have his number. And I was like, he don't have yours. I said, what? I said, hi. Exhausted. I said, Oh my God. Should I text him? She said, Oh my god, no, y'all old. Just call him, please. Right. I called him and said what? I said, Hi. Usually it's what people What's the next thing? What's the next thing? What happens next? I said, I called. He said, hello. I said, hello. This is Selena. And he said, I was waiting for you to call. And I said, Well, okay. Here I am. And he said, Well, I'm on my way to work. Can I call you when I get there? Because he worked at a restaurant in Manhattan, um, Brooklyn chop house. And I said, Of course. Oh, we worked at catch at that time, sorry. And so I get home and he calls, and we just we're just talking on the phone. And I'm just like, I'm very submitted. I just call her and I'm like, I just called a girl. And after we talk and we decided to go, it just so happened that I was off from work. I still worked a full-time job. So I was gonna be off that Monday, and uh we met in Manhattan at a Photographska. Sadly it's closed, but is like a museum kind of thing. And so uh I show up and he's already standing out front and uh and so we go in the museum, we're walking around, and I'm just talking like this because when I'm you know, and he's just very much a gentleman, very French, and and he's not really saying anything, and I'm like he was French? So and he's like, Well, before you arrive, there's a restaurant around the corner. I've got reservations for us. So we go to the restaurant and a little little white linen tablecloth because he didn't play that, okay? So we get there, still the whole time he's sitting across from me with his sunglasses on sexy, and I'm just like, what the like he's not giving me anything. Driving. And so I'm like, listen, you know, I have to I have to get out of here because the traffic and the bridge, whatever. So of course takes care of everything. He walks me to the parking garage, and he hands me money for the parking garage, and I go to, you know, hug him and yeah, who are you gonna date, sweetie? I don't know who's gonna be. No, right. He hugs me, but he gives me like a little church hug, and I'm like, I read this completely wrong. I start walking down into the parking garage, I turn around, he's still standing watching me, and then I get in the car and go home, and I'm like, What was that? What the fuck? And I get home and he calls me and he was like, that was the best date I had. And I was like, I know it. And then we were together ever since. I love that. How do you follow that up? How do you follow that up? You don't because literally two weeks in we were out, and I was like, I have to tell you something. And he was like, Okay. And I was like, Yeah, I think I love you. And he was like, Me too. Oh he was like, Okay, I want to ask you a question. Will you be my girlfriend? Like we were like literally like we were 17. 12 again, yeah. Yep. And literally, he was the I used to tell my daughter that if she needed me too, I would have bought her a pony after that.

SPEAKER_04 48:47

And every time he saw me, he would thank me. Every time. I'm such a lover girl. I'm so lover.

SPEAKER_01 48:54

That was from when to when. How long did you have with Eddie?

SPEAKER_05 48:57

Um, October 21 until uh February 24.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

Okay. For whatever reason, I thought I didn't know it. That that was a good length of time. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_04 49:09

Just enough to, you know.

SPEAKER_01 49:11

Just enough to be really mad with him for leaving you.

SPEAKER_05 49:14

Yes, because we just had ghosted her. I I would say that. Because we just had like really one, we didn't have a fight. We had one disagreement where he just felt like it was becoming a lot. And he was never married, had no children. So when I tell people I have children, I have children 24 hours a day. They don't give a it's two o'clock in the morning, my stomach hurts, I don't care if I'm grown, and I have a husband. Ma. So they like it doesn't matter. So that's a lot to take on. And Nicholas, who doesn't mind sharing, Nicholas is on the spectrum. So Nicholas's mannerisms for someone who's not used to them is also like, so why is he coming out like a cat all the time to check the perimeter when my other two are like puppies? They're like, hey, hey, well, you don't, hey, hey, hey, my and Nicholas is like, so it was a lot for him, and so he we had a disagreement, and he was like, he didn't think any he can do it. And I was like, okay, I said, well, that's unfortunate that you threw us away. But I understand another bag. Oh, yeah. For what? So the next day, that's the story that I tell. I had brought him this beautiful blanket for his apartment. I came home from work and it was a box, and I was like, I know my man wants me back. And I opened that box, it was that fucking blanket. So he was good and petty.

SPEAKER_02 50:45

What sign was he?

SPEAKER_05 50:46

Scorpio. Scorpio. And I'm a Pisces.

SPEAKER_02 50:49

And I'm a Pisces.

SPEAKER_05 50:49

Yes. So I was like, Ashley, he sent my blanket back. She was like, We didn't expect that. Right. Um my feelings was hurt, but I still I don't care. My last breath, and the Lord was like, I can save you if you call him. And he'll take me now, Lord, because I'm not calling. So I didn't. Another day goes by. He calls. I answer. Uh, let me talk. I said, go ahead. He said, I called you because I knew you were gonna call me. Ha! Oh, you wish. I'm like, girl, what happened?

SPEAKER_01 51:25

Tell me to go slow. I said, whatever.

SPEAKER_05 51:28

I said, whatever get you to sleep at night because I was not gonna call you. And he said that he was sorry, and you know, it was just a lot, and it was an adjustment. Because it doesn't matter. We're still boys and girls at 60 and 50.

SPEAKER_01 51:40

And doing this for the very first time in our lives, you know what I'm saying? And learning as we grow, and hopefully sharing and imparting.

SPEAKER_05 51:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:47

And like take what matters and throw away whatever doesn't matter. Right, exactly. So okay, two things you brought up. You were still working then. Yes. When did you retire? When'd you quit? When'd you stop? And when'd you become a full-time content creator?

SPEAKER_05 52:00

Um when Eddie died, I was he died February 15th. I was home doing all the preparations for the funeral and everything. My day to go back to work was March 7th. And March 7th, I went in there with my letter of resignation. Okay. And it was because Eddie died, he worked till the day he died. And I was like, what the fuck is it about? Yeah. I was raised, you were raised, and I got a pension. That's a good job. That's a good job, bro. I never told my children you need to get a good job. Like I never there's no such thing. Right. But that was like an epiphany that I was like, I I don't I I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.

SPEAKER_01 52:44

So the income from content creation, I know that you have a retirement or whatever, but the income from content creation was enough to sustain what you wanted to do going forward.

SPEAKER_05 52:51

Yes, I I literally just retired at March of this year. Congratulations. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I couldn't get my pension until I was 55. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So yes, that's what sustained me.

SPEAKER_02 53:05

So you quit the job because grief gives you new lenses to see life through. 100%.

SPEAKER_05 53:10

Yeah. 100%. And I just realized we needed to do you need to do what makes you happy and what fulfills you because like nothing's promised, and you know, so it was a transition time for us, but I was glad I did it. Mm-hmm. And you've experienced grief.

SPEAKER_02 53:23

How has that impacted how you feel?

SPEAKER_04 53:25

Yeah, so Booger passed two months after Eddie.

SPEAKER_02 53:28

And can you clarify who Booger is?

SPEAKER_04 53:29

Booger is my was my puppy, the love of my life. I got him when I was 18. He died when I was 34. Love his life. How old is that? 16 years.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

He had a good line.

SPEAKER_04 53:40

What breed was that? He was a Yorkie. I have his name on my neck, on my necklace. I love him so much.

SPEAKER_05 53:44

We got him when she graduated.

SPEAKER_04 53:48

He was like six weeks. Yeah, he was the best thing ever. Um, so he passed like two months after Eddie died. And the thing about it is that like I feel like Booger was also the reason I fell in love with Eric because my previous relationship, Booger and that guy did not get along. Okay. And that's another instance where I called my mom and she was like, leave. And he went to work. I didn't even tell this guy that we were breaking up. He went to work. I was like, bye, love you. And I packed that house up real quick. I said, I put everything in my little Honda. Me and Booger was in the front seat, and I went to my mama's house. You hear me? Like, I was like, I don't want to talk about this. There's nothing to talk about. But Booger and him, so I just was under the assumption Booger didn't like anybody. And so when we when I met Eric two weeks later. Um period. It happens. Yeah. I wasn't, I was looking for fun. Right. You know? I wasn't looking for love, but here we go. And so Eric was like, we we were we we started dating like right away. We started living together two weeks after we met.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

Wow. So listen, they're gonna come for you in the comments, but keep going with the street. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_04 55:05

And so I it was like, you know, we're having fun. He's like, come over, I'll cook you dinner. And then and every day he's like, Why are you leave? And I'm like, because I have a dog. Yeah. So he was like, Well, bring your dog here. I'll give you a key. Come in. Come on, let's do this, you know? I love that. And so I was like, all right, well, mom.

SPEAKER_03 55:22

The world have a set back. Booger, we get into Uber.

SPEAKER_04 55:26

Booger was like, I gotta go. I gotta go. And so we get there, and like Booger's like sitting on the bed, and Eric comes in and Booger like peas on the bed. And I'm like, oh my god. Like, I think I love this man. Like, stop is like, oh, he's probably scared because I'm tall and I have a deep voice. And if I felt like if Booger could laugh in that moment, he was like, ha ha ha ha ha, I got you, I love this. And they were just like, he took care of Booger, like, oh my god, like he would like cook for him. He's in the bed, he's bathing him, he's taking him. And I was like, Oh, I think I love him more than I thought I did before Booger showed his ass. And now I know I love him. So, like, even arguments, like if Eric and I were in an argument, Booger would bark like really loud. So we're like, okay, so we have to talk like that.

SPEAKER_05 56:15

Right?

SPEAKER_04 56:15

Right.

SPEAKER_05 56:16

And then like don't don't don't upset the children.

SPEAKER_04 56:18

So now you're like whispering. Yeah. So now you're laughing. Right. You're whispering. And so I feel like Booger really was like what got Eric and I through our relationship. So when Booger and Eric were having a and I were having like a really rough patch when Booger passed and when Eddie passed, so it was like, God, like I can't catch a big week.

SPEAKER_02 56:37

It was rough.

SPEAKER_04 56:38

And Booger, I've lost um a brother, my brother from my father. He passed away in 2020, 2020. Um, and then Booger, it was just like one thing after another. And that's when it hit me. I was like, oh, we're the adults now. Yes. Yeah. We're the adults now.

SPEAKER_01 56:54

Okay, but I want to ask one quick question. I know it's time to end, but I want to ask one quick question. What made you leave like a thief in the night? Because listen, it's obviously more common than we than we talk about, right? Because listen, I will tell you on the way out the door, love you, baby.

SPEAKER_04 57:08

Bye. Um, I didn't want to talk anymore.

SPEAKER_02 57:13

Yeah. You don't hear me. All talked out.

SPEAKER_04 57:15

Yeah, it was like nothing's gonna change. This you're not the person I'm gonna be with. I I feel like uh uh you don't I didn't think he deserved a like amical, amicable, like you take your stuff and I'll take my I don't believe in closure.

SPEAKER_01 57:29

And uh closure has happened ten times either. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_04 57:34

And my dog doesn't like you.

SPEAKER_05 57:35

Right, right.

SPEAKER_04 57:36

And my dog doesn't like you.

SPEAKER_05 57:37

And you don't like my dog. And you don't like and you're pretending. Yeah. And so when, yeah, when when the call came and my daughter, one thing about my daughter, they they do tell me everything, and I know we got proud of it. They do tell me everything. But my daughter is one of those people that she's taught me because women, we have the we constantly do this thing where we're like, girl, you know what that man did, and then you he did, and and and then you get back with him. And my daughter's like, Well, do we love him or not? Right. So my daughter is not that type of person, she's going to work it through, and then when she tells you it's over, I promise you it's over. So when she called and told me, you know what, he done read a black man's guide, I don't think it's for me anymore. I was like, What? Let's go. Let's get your stuff and go. Yeah and so when she was done, she was done. And so I knew that. And that and I was never gonna be like, you know, he got an apartment and he they traveled all over the world.

SPEAKER_01 58:33

I'm just so excited that you all are mirroring experiences that I know to be true. Yeah, the people were triggering me to feel like we were.

SPEAKER_05 58:40

No, no, no. I don't care if you can't put her the whole diamond, you got to go.

SPEAKER_04 58:46

It was honestly the best thing because I met Eric literally, like two weeks later. And I was like, I just got a relationship, I'm sorry. And they doesn't have a blueprint. No, and my ex, to be fully transparent, had a lot of money. Okay. And Eric was like, I ain't got that. Okay. I can offer you a home cooked meal. I love your dog and I love you. And I was like, um, we'll see. Right. Right. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. And Eric basically was like, if you stick with me, I'm gonna get there, all right? And I was like, you're right. And I stuck, you know what I'm saying? But I will say that, like, I think that women don't realize how much like a relationship can just drain you physically. You're sick, it affects your mood, your emotionally, everything. Emotionally, and leaving will open up so many things. It doesn't have to be a new relationship, but it could just it opens up so many doors that you don't realize you kept closed yourself. You are keeping the doors closed. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gonna like find your husband next, but something's gonna come once you just leave this thing that no longer serves you. And I feel like that's exactly what happened with Eric.

SPEAKER_05 59:53

And I think that's what that what happened with Eddie. Eddie, we know he was the loved one. That's my man, my man, my man. But I often say, as much as it's hurtful, and I got through this without crying, huh? That he had to go for me to be free. Because Eddie and I were from the same generation of that's a good job. I wouldn't have never quit. So I would still be have been there till this March. But that I hated, I would have still lived where I lived because I hated it, because he was of that generation. That's a pension, like and so sometimes it is 100% true. Even if it's if it they the person leaves, not because of his own volition, but it was a it had to be what I needed to do for me to be free and for me to have a new you know, view of life. And so for her, the breakup allowed the door to open for her to experience a different kind of love. Because ain't nothing wrong with a little money.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:51

Right.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:52

We've got a little money.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:53

And I'm going to just say a hand clap for free at 55, free at 60. And this level of freedom, and so to answer the long story, the long answer would be yeah, you're not looking to replace relationships. No, no.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:05

And I know we we have to wrap it up, but one of the things that Patty and I've talked about before, I'm gonna keep it. You said that three times. I don't, but and we're still going. But the one thing that Patty and I we talked about, we're gonna have to come back without the mothers without the daughter. Because we've talked about, we have given ourselves permission to live alone. Because if you don't, if you don't have a man with you and you're living alone, you you're perceived that something is wrong with you. Right. Listen, we can have sleepovers, but you got to go. You can't, I don't need your shit here. You don't need to be in here in the morning. I don't want to see you cooking eggs like Bing Rain. It's a different thing. It's a different thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:47

You know the freedom. You know, like it this is a brand new world. And so now I'm gonna think people like, um, so what are you comeari? What are you looking for in relationships? Who's looking?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:56

Who's looking? Um to be found. If you look, you won't find much. No, you won't. You won't. You won't. You're right.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:04

Pour into yourself. And I always say when I get up there and I see Eddie, it's probably gonna be in a waiting room because I'm not a nice person. So the God's gonna be like, you're gonna get an hour, you know where you're going. The point is, I tell Eddie all the time when I talk to him, I said, When I see you, it's on site because what he's left down here for me.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:22

Trash.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:24

These men posing and doing videos more than Patty and I has sends me to another realm.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:31

We need to cover that.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:32

If I see another man's clavicle, it's not even in mind, it's in real life. Annoying. Annoying. You and I can't be tussling for the ring light. Start thinking down.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:44

Tussling for the ring light. No. No. Okay, we gotta go. We gotta go. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:50

Well, thank you guys for coming to the show. Absolutely. We we will have to do a part two. No, we haven't barely touched iceberg.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:58

I think the comments are gonna be there.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:59

Right. I think so too, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:03

But at least we're all in New York. New York is easy. We can do this. We can do this. Yes. And we let's make skin.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:08

Okay, let me just say this. Welcome to the make welcome to the matriarchy.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:12

Okay. Exactly. Exactly. And we are streaming on Apple Music, Spotify, Amazon, and you can always find us on YouTube. Thank you guys for watching. And this was Ashley and Selena. Nice to meet you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:27

Bye. Bye.