How Do You Know When to Leave? Mom Interviews Daughter on Breakup

In this episode of Between Mothers and Daughters, Kamaria opens up. Patti interviews her about her recent breakup and how she's thinking about her life now that she's 33, single, and childless. Is all hope lost for her dreams of motherhood and marriage? Or is she looking forward to returning to dating? We talk about it all in this one.

Find Patti on IG and TikTok: ‪‪@taskyourself‬
Find Kamaria on IG and TikTok: ‪‪@kamarialeyla‬

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, and welcome back to Between Mothers and Daughters. Because if you can't tell your mother, who can you tell? I want to start off by saying thank you all so much for the support and the engagement. Our community If Cousins is growing, and we are so excited to finally have hit 7K on YouTube and to be growing on across our social platforms. So yes, and thank you for that. Awesome. So if you didn't know, you could subscribe to us here on YouTube, but we're also on Spotify, Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you find your podcasts.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Awesome. So we're gonna dive right in today. Um, in one of our last episodes, when we were just had one of our last conversations, you were in a relationship, and since then the status has changed.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Yes, my relationship status has changed. I am now single.

SPEAKER_03 0:47

Okay, so update. Um what what brought that about? What brought that up? How'd that happen?

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Um, yeah, so naturally um I went through a breakup. I decided to choose myself. I think that in my relationship, I was happy up until I wasn't. And people always said, is this gonna be your husband? Are you I wasn't dating for fun. I was dating for marriage, but at the point where I learned enough information to decide this is not going to be my husband, I just ended the relationship. How long had you up in dating? About a year and a half, we'd been together, yeah. And before that, we'd been friends for some time too. Okay, so that was not your longest relationship.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

No, that was not my longest relationship. How many long relationships have you had?

SPEAKER_00 1:32

I would say three, yeah, three. The first boyfriend was like high school on and off, but three real relationships, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Okay, and at this point you are how old? I'm 33 years old. And never been married? No. No children? No. Okay, so now at 33, newly single, what does that look like? What does what does that feel like? How do you feel?

SPEAKER_00 1:56

I feel the ability to focus. I feel like I chose myself and I feel very seen by my higher self. I feel very proud of me because I think that where I was would be good enough for previous versions of me. But me being true to myself and knowing who I am now, I knew that that bare minimum love was not going to sustain me. And I'm excited to see what else is out there, not necessarily in terms of dating, but I feel the capacity to focus so much more clearly than I have in the past two-ish years, because I think that was taking up a lot of my brain space. And now I just feel very excited for the future. Okay, because you said two things I want to tap in on.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

You said you feel the ability to focus. Are you not able to focus when you're in a relationship? I mean, I you did say you clarified saying it took up a lot of your brain space, but focus on what? Focus on career, goals, what? Like, does relationship prevent those things from happening?

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Well, to answer the first question, focus on all of the above. And then number two, not necessarily that a relationship stops anyone from focusing, but it is a big, it is a big undertaking to share your life with someone in that way. So it's not something that I thought was distracting me when I was in it. But now that I don't have to think about, you know, this other person and you know, the schedules we've created together and all of these commitments that we have as a couple, I really just have the opportunity to pour into me, which feels great. At 33, no kids, you know, I know exactly who I am, I know what I want, I know what I like. And to be able to double down in all those pursuits and really only do it for me, my cup is fill. My cup, my cup is overflowing, and so I don't feel any lack of anything right now, even though when I first did the with the breakup, I it it hurt and I had to process it, and I am gonna take the time to heal from it. But yeah, right now my ability to love on myself is tenfold.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

Okay, and the other thing that you said that caught my attention is that you didn't, you know, you knew that you didn't want a bare minimal love. When did you realize it was bare minimum? Did it feel like it when you were in it? Or are you saying that was a bare minimum love? That's why you ended your relationship?

SPEAKER_00 4:13

It did not feel like it when I was in it. Um, I think that I was having so much fun at some points. This relationship had so many highs and so many lows that there was a a sense of like excitement. But now that I am stabilized and I only have, not only have, but I mainly have myself to determine my mood and you know how things go in my day, I just realized that where we were going was going to be the bare minimum. I didn't want to sacrifice the goals, the ambitions, the morality and integrity that I think are the foundation of the life I want to live for someone else's somewhat vision for the future.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Okay. So you're saying I'm hearing that it was a bit of a roller coaster.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 5:07

So in pursuit of new relationship yet? No, absolutely not. And when you are, do you do you have a guideline or outline of what that'll look like for the future?

SPEAKER_00 5:19

No, you know, despite everything that I learned in my last relationship, I don't really have any thoughts about what the next partner will look like. I don't like the idea of trying to determine how the next person should be treated, the this person that I don't even know, based on how what I learned with this person. Now, granted, those lessons won't go to a waste. I will absolutely apply them. But the lessons from my past relationships are lessons about me. Going forward, any man that I meet, obviously I have knowledge and information from my experiences, but that will still be a clean slate for that person to show me their truth. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_03 5:57

So even when um you asked me, you know, what was what was I looking for in a partner? That's more what I was asking. Is there is there um guideline or outline of what you hope to have in a partner? I mean, in in the three relationships that you've had in the past, have you said, okay, I saw this, I'm not gonna do that, I saw this, I didn't see this, I want that. Like, and does it give you an outline for what's next?

SPEAKER_00 6:24

I mean, yeah, there are definitely certain qualities that I know for sure my next partner has to have. Number one, I need someone who's very honest and not only honest with me, but more importantly, honest with themselves. I think that there's a tendency in a lot of people to be avoidant and neglect their feelings and not want to deal with them themselves. And I'm not someone who can live that way. I want to be able to talk very straightforward with my person without there being offenses or the the walking on eggshells. This person might get super defensive or upset that I said something. I want to be able to find a man who's confidently always learning and growing. I think that a lot of adults they get to a point where they're recognized in their home and their career and in their social status where they feel like the utmost expertise on things. And especially with men, I think that there's a real need for that development to keep going, especially as we go through new phases in life and becoming parents and taking care of our parents and stuff. So definitely someone who's a lifelong learner like me, and then just someone who has uh the same ideas about the quality of life I want. I am super intentional about the life I want. Nothing is really like by happenstance with me. So I want someone with that same sort of energy.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

Okay, so as I explore pop culture and that sort of thing, um, there seems to be, like you said, uh a good until it's not good. You know what I mean? Uh I'm gonna I'm gonna just use two buzz names. I'm gonna use Cardi and I'm gonna use Meg, right? And I believe that these are discerning women, these are accomplished women, these are, you know, and so when you say that these are all the things you want, you know, everybody wants that. Right. Right. I I wanna know, you know, and and and as someone who has signed off, we we we all know that I've signed off on relationships, and that's not for me, and I'm not looking for that. Um I want to know, how do you how do how does a young woman get that in today's age? Get what? For lack of a better word, I'm gonna say the total package.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Honey, if I knew the answer to that, I would be sitting here telling you. I I don't know, but what I do know is that for me personally, starting this podcast has given me the opportunity to observe myself in a different way. I'm someone who in production I've been behind the camera for most of my career. So for the fact that I sit here in this seat, listen to women share their stories, listening to you share your life experiences, and for me to accept what I was going to accept if I had stayed in my relationship would have made me a hypocrite. And that's not something I can live with. I don't want to sit up here and tell women about confidence and and choosing yourself and abundance and not being not having a scarcity mindset when I'm secretly living with someone who I'm not proud of. So I saw that, right? Saw what?

SPEAKER_03 9:21

The shift in who you who you were becoming to maintain this relationship. But how did that look? It looked like you signing up for less than what you deserved. But because of my track record, you know, all I can do is give you words of wisdom, stories, or whatever, or examples, but and just watch. And you know, as I say, be a net, be a net, or if you ever, you know, need a place to return to, even if that place is simply to yourself, right? Um so trying to be open and listening and you know, just guiding somewhat, but watching you choose who you wanted to become. And so as you sat with the podcast, and I would think to myself, just what you just said, you can't listen to this many empowered women and not move as an empowered woman.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

I mean, you you certainly could, but I mean you couldn't because I many have, many have many many have and many will. Right. However, me personally, I have the privilege of I grew up in a way where I had the ability to connect with myself. I had a lot of alone time as a child. I spent a lot of time in nature as a child. I have the ability to sit with myself in silence and go somewhere in my head and talk to the me that isn't here yet but exists in the future timeline and get guidance from her. And when we were sitting here with Kiana that day, I had broken up with my person the night before. And it was like that person was looking at me like, okay, okay. So how many, how many times do you want to do you want to take this test? You either pass it or you take it again. And the universe has given me so many opportunities to choose myself, and the times where I don't is when I learn the hardest lessons, and not even just in dealing with men, thinking about my last job where I was dealing with a lot of disrespect on a very personal level. And I was trying to make that work because I was scared. I was scared to let go of that corporate role because it provided me a very false sense of security, even though my nerves were dysregulated. I was scared to go in. Nothing, I nothing I would do was doing felt right. But because somewhere in my mind I believed you have to have this job, you know, I was doing a disservice to myself. And so I kept that job up until it was taken from me. And, you know, that opened the opportunity for the next best thing. Looking back, I don't know why I sat there and allowed that to go on. But I do know it was scarcity. And so even when I think about this relationship, when I met this person, I was single and thriving. I was so happy. I had just come back from a beautiful or dirty December trip to Africa. I was in the gym five times a week. I had just gotten a promotion. Like I was feeling good. And so being single is not something I'm afraid of. Now, granted, being single at 33 does feel different than being single in my 20s. But I would be a fool's fool to not apply the lessons of my 20s to right now. So was there any fear in leaving this relationship? You know what? There was fear in leaving this relationship, but more so because I didn't want to have say this time was wasted. But no matter what, this time was not wasted. I gained invaluable insights and lessons. And listen, the decision to leave this relationship was so quick and so fast. There wasn't a long-drawn conversation, crying moment. It was like, I I said it on TikTok. It's it's silly, but this is what I said to him. I said, Well, this is my stop. This is where I get off the bus. And I like it, that's just literally how I envisioned envisioned it. I imagined myself getting off of a bus and just leaving and just leaving the situation because um we had started talking about children. We had started talking about a house together, we were talking about our whole lives together, and he put me in the mindset of a mother because I'm not one of those persons who people who used to walk around and say, When I have kids, when I'm married. I wasn't really saying that, you know, but he was so adamant about this is how the future is gonna look. I started to like that idea. I started to really get comfortable with the idea of in a few years I'll have kids, in a few years we'll share high. The American dream.

SPEAKER_03 13:54

Keep going.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

The American dream, supposedly. So I start that grew on me, but he didn't realize by telling me, I want you to be the mother of my children, that I my brain switched. I'm not thinking about single Kamari anymore. Now all of a sudden, I'm thinking for me and these unborn children. So in the moment where I have this thing, he this thing he tells me, and I have to not only protect myself, I'm thinking about the unborn children. I'm thinking about how much crazier would it be for him to tell me this, and I have kids asleep in the next room. Correct. So yeah, he he wanted this future wife and this future mother from me, but he didn't realize how intentional and how intense she would be.

SPEAKER_03 14:35

No, no, for me, motherhood was like a light switch, right? And all things changed. Like because okay, maybe you're cool enough to date. Are you cool enough to be the father of my children?

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

To to to raise my legacy, right? To uh pour your yourself into children and guide guide and lead them. Right. I mean, and you know, when I think of a man guiding and leading me, I'm like, well, whatever, I've got you know, da-da-da-da. You know, and so and I'm gonna tap back into something we've said before, the luxury of being a single parent. Like, if you can enjoy it and you can afford it and you can, it if you have someone, it's better than that.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

I mean, that aside, I don't even think that like I like I I don't have kids. Right. But I just knew that once I saw a completed cycle of this person and I saw that there was no change happening, I knew the kids that I want don't deserve to go through a cycle this with this. It's not even necessarily that I I I'm open.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

I'm open. Okay. Because I'm I'm watching all the young women online freezing eggs and doing things because this seems to be a trend. Where there are young women in their 30s who are not married and who do not have any children and don't necessarily have any prospects on the rise.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Uh yeah, it's hard to say because I like the idea of being a mother. I like the idea of pouring all of this information and love that I have into somebody who deserves it. And I don't think there's anybody more deserving of all of the beauty in the world than children. I don't think that I have met a man yet that I want to be the father of my children. Okay. And it's not to say that I want to be a single parent, that's not the truth at all. But I am, like I said, I am someone who wants to be so intentional about raising a child because otherwise it just feels selfish. The world is in an effed up place right now. So to just bring somebody here just to say I'm a mom, that's not my reasoning at all. If I have a child, I want to be able to provide them with a beautiful future with someone who also has that same intentionality for them. And at 33, I meet a lot of men who just want to be a father for the sake of saying I want to be a married man with with kids.

SPEAKER_03 16:50

So that's a strong statement. I haven't met a man who I who I feel like could be the father of my children. What does the father of your children look like? What does he have to have? Is it is there a level of money, um, just wisdom, emotional like what?

SPEAKER_00 17:06

I mean, because I I mean, like, yeah, it's slim pickings out here. Uh, but yeah, I think that there's definitely an emotional intelligence gap between me and a lot of men right now. Money for sure, but it's it I I I I love a provider, but I have a future that's guaranteed me to be able to provide for myself and a child. I love, you know, a man who can, you know, plan a great trip and do all these things. But there is a certain lack of discernment, emotional intelligence, and general kindness that I feel children deserve and that men have not been showing up with lately. And unfortunately, I don't it's not that I don't think all, it's not that I think all men like these things, but unfortunately, I think that right now I'm in that age range where a lot of men are in a rush to get married. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 18:04

They're in a rush to have especially if they've never been married before and don't have any children and they're the same age as you. Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

So the priority is being well, I can I can buy you a house. I can buy you this for a push present. I can make sure the kids go to private school. Okay, but are you emotionally regulated to have children in the home for you to show up every day? Like, I don't know, because those material things, I can do those by myself. So yeah, I could I have a really strong group of friends around me and community around me who support and show up, and I would need a man to love me how my friends love me.

SPEAKER_03 18:41

So are you desirous of having a relationship? Or can you just see yourself single? Some people, some people can see themselves single with no children for the rest of their lives. Can you see that for yourself?

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah, the simple answer is both. Just how people would say, is this gonna be your husband? Yes, until it's not. Am I gonna love being single? Yes, until I'm not. Okay. I'm really easy with the pivot. Like when it's time for change, it's time for change, and I'll know right when it when I'm ready to do it. Okay, so financial freedom.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

Because I I I saw something online that said, when men get more money, they get more women and and more kids. When women get more money, they don't even see about men anymore. I saw that too. So as you become more financially free, do you think that will have an impact on your decision?

SPEAKER_00 19:29

Absolutely. The more and even not even just money, but just resources, the more I feel secure in my place of where I live, the more I feel secure with my finances, the more I feel secure with my secure, with my um career, I feel that security. And I I do think my discernment grows with the opportunity to do more for myself. There is still a sense of what a man can do for you. You can't do for yourself. Right, with the broader conversation, not just me, but like in a sense, women do talk about men in that way, which is fine. But as someone who is super ambitious, and that's the thing, I think my relationship didn't work for me because I have a clear view of where I want to go, and that wasn't it. If I was a woman without vision, I would have said, well, we could we could probably still make this work. But because I am so ambitious and I don't want to lose the opportunity to chase my goals for anybody, that became, he became a risk. He became too much of a risk to me.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

So that's where you are now. You also said previously that being single in your 30s felt feels different than being single in your 20s. What's the difference?

SPEAKER_00 20:40

Being single in your 20s, it felt more fun and sexy, I'll be honest. Being single now, I still feel fun and sexy, but I don't feel I feel like like the responsible to do thing to do is like to have a healing period. Like in your 20s, it's like, all right, well, we back outside. And not to say that I won't be back outside this summer, but I'm applying the lessons of my 20s, and that tells me that I need to take a break. I need to, not a break, but I need to, I need to take a man break. I don't need to think about another person right now. I want to focus on my career. I want to focus on traveling and having fun. I need to fill my plate before I go back into something with another person, with a partner.

SPEAKER_03 21:21

So you know what I'm also hearing a little bit too though? Being single in your 20s, it's like, okay, that's like Yeah, because you're when you're 20 years, too many opportunities.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

You're so young. Like, so for example, we talked about I've had three long-term relationships, right? So relationship number two, that was tumultuous, lots of highs, lots of downs, and on and off again in our last year of things. But around twenty six, I got the opportunity to move to Sacramento, to leave DC and move to Sacramento for work. And I didn't know the pandemic was gonna start a few months later. I didn't know any of that, but I knew that I needed to get away from that man because I said we This town is too small for us both. We we keep running into each other, stuff keeps happening, whatever. I took the opportunity and I went to Sacramento. Number one, that was the most career growth in a short period amount of time I've ever had. I was promoted like every eight months after that. Number two, the pandemic started a few months after I got to Sacramento. Had I stayed in DC, I probably would have been shacked up with that person for a year, two years. Who knows what that would have been the outcomes of that would have been. Ooh, those pandemic relationships. Keep going. And yeah, and just number three, that alone time that I had in Sacramento, it really did give me so much clarity and you know, an an insight into who I am as a person and how I want to be loved. And just from learning that from myself, from loving on myself.

SPEAKER_03 22:46

I wasn't really dating that much, but and then even in all the clarity and things you learned and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You see, that's what I say about discernment and relationships. You come out, you get into another one, and then it's like, whoops.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

But this was not this was not me repeating that. This was a different relationship than no rela the relationship I just left was very different from relationship number two. But that's the thing about life. You're always going to take another test. I just don't want to keep taking the same one.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

Okay, so you took a different It was a different test. It was completely different. Okay, good. So do you feel like there is social pressure on you?

SPEAKER_00 23:21

I would say there are social expectations. Is there social pressure? No. I know what people expect from a 33-year-old single woman, and I know that I'm okay not living up to anybody else's expectations. I think my life is always better when I do what I want to do.

SPEAKER_03 23:35

Are the majority of your friends' single, married children what?

SPEAKER_00 23:39

No, it's a mixed bag.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

It's a mixed bag? Yes, completely. So friends, okay, okay. So then you don't have a watching around doesn't give you a scarcity mindset at all. You feel good.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

The only thing I'm scared of is missing out on making this money, y'all. I am chasing a bag so hard. Listen.

SPEAKER_03 23:56

Listen, when the red pill bros get their hands on you and saying that, you know, that's what's wrong with women today, that they're too focused on their careers and they need to be da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Who? Okay. Right. Okay. Okay. Okay. So then having come from a relationship, when is the time to leave a relationship? Since we since we know how to get into them and we know how to have them, when is the time to leave?

SPEAKER_00 24:19

When you start betraying yourself, when you start making excuses for people that you wouldn't allow somebody else that you love to let someone treat them that way, when you start going back and on your morals and your boundaries and saying, well, okay, but this time, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just no.

SPEAKER_03 24:37

You know what? What I my my wish and prayer for everyone is that they can recognize when that happens. Because a lot of people don't recognize when that happens. They, you know, like they begin to betray themselves and they begin to tell you the stories of how they portrayed themselves and you know, like explaining it to me.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

Like From your perspective, have I looked different or behaved different in my three relationships that we're talking about?

SPEAKER_03 25:07

So I'm I'm imagining them all in my head, right? Um the second one. Okay. The first two. You were you were all the first one was really you were too young, right? And that person seemed to be kind of serious, and you were too young, and you were like not having it. And I was okay with that, right? Because you so you didn't change it all because you were really in the resistance era, right? Couldn't be tied down. Couldn't be tied down. The second one had some social etiquette with it and some things, some upward mobility, you know, some the the the appearance of the American dream and husband and stuff, and you tried, but they were just too foot loose and fancy-free, and you were like, and it was almost like an this is a bad joke. I'm gonna say it's almost like crack. It's like I have to get away from the crack because I'm not gonna make it unless I get away from the crack.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

So you got away from the crack, and I was like, There was a heavy infatuation lens in that relationship.

SPEAKER_03 26:07

Yes, and it was it was so topsy turvy. That's what that felt more like a roller coaster than this last one. For sure. Okay, so this one I was like, oh, okay, well, she's stabilized now, it's cool. Now I'm going to say I had my hesitations from day one, right? I but I said, let me mind my motherly business and just hear her out and let you know, because what am I gonna say with my track record? Right. So I'm like, okay, girl, do your thing. I'm here watching and waiting. Um and and you, you know, and and even in some of the stories, I'm like, you're making it make sense, right? It still doesn't make sense. Right. And you would tell me another story, and I'd be like, and and then I would think, if one of her friends told this same story, I've cussed them out for less. Right, right, right. And so I'm like, okay, so I'm trying to figure out what this vibe is that you're on on this one, right? Like, is she feeling like I need I'm 33, I'm 32, I gotta get married, I gotta have kids, I gotta-this partner, and this is the part that really about me, like this was my friend. Girl, let me okay, so you said you said something early on, and I don't know, you know, that we don't have to get into the ins and outs. You said someone who knows himself and won't lie to themselves. I'm telling you, my favorite line and and outside of a line in the Bible is Lauren Hills. If they lie to God, I mean they lie to them, they lie to God, they lie to themselves. They can't even tell you the truth. Right. Sometimes I don't feel like a person is lying to you because they haven't even told themselves the truth.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

And that's where the because you compared this relationship to relationship number two. Relationship number two was different because that person was a little mean, a little malicious. This person genuinely did not want to intentionally hurt me, but they were always going to because they were hurting themselves. They were not being real with themselves.

SPEAKER_03 28:16

And a person who cannot protect themselves, cannot protect you, and cannot protect your children. Right. That's what I saw early on. And I was just like, I need her to see that. But you know, like if as a parent and as your parent, I do know that sometimes when I tell you something, you know, you have to let me run it one more time because my mama don't know. Let me just see, and not to say that, you know, you don't take some of the advice I say, but you know, like a resistant child. Um, so I didn't want to dog ear you about it, but I also did take note of it personally for myself. And so I I saw you being more ameniable than I've ever seen you be. And I was like, what is that? Okay, just because you know I tried the ameniable thing, like, okay, guys.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

But I think we are just one of our biggest differences is how we approach relationships.

SPEAKER_03 29:11

Do you think? I do I have an approach? So, um no, I don't think that's one of our biggest differences. Really? You think we're we're similar in relationships? Oh, I don't I you know what, that's never highlighted for me. I I you know, like, girl, when I think about our differences, I relationship never even comes up.

SPEAKER_00 29:35

Okay. Yeah, no, I um I saw who I was becoming. I was aware. That's the one thing I am, is extremely aware of myself. And it got to the point where I just said, you know what, I have the opportunity to empower people through this platform we've built. And who would I be to not empower myself? You know, I would be a fraud. And that's not that's not someone I can look in the mirror at every day. Well, I'm glad you saw it, honey.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

I really am. You know what? And I, you know, I watch your friends, well, and when specifically Ariel, um, get married or have babies and different things. I'm like, I wonder if she wants that for herself. But then, you know, there's other friends that, you know, are single like you with no babies, lots of them actually.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

It's like, okay, yeah, on one hand, I might want kids in the marriage, but I also really, really want a mid-century modern home, you know. I also really, really want two chihuahuas, one long haired, one short haired. I also really, really want an Audi truck.

SPEAKER_03 30:38

So you know, like I think I need about everything except the truck truck. Okay, but see, you know, those are those are tangible money-getting type things.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

I also okay, okay. Let me not let me not leave it all materials. I also really want a regulated nervous system. I also really don't want people who I don't fully trust in my house.

SPEAKER_03 30:59

A balanced, a balanced pH. Like, you know, those those kind of things.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

And we got that.

SPEAKER_03 31:05

You know, a thousand, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 31:09

But yeah, I don't it it feels too high risk to me to live with someone that I I don't fully trust. And that's the thing about like relationships. I don't think in terms of like, okay, we have to have this picture-perfect relationship where the husband does all these things and the wife only falls into this little category. Baby, we can do it all, we can do none of it. But what you won't do is lie to my face and take away my decision to choose. Because once you start lying to me, you're telling me that you think I'm dumb.

SPEAKER_03 31:38

You think you can come in here and tell me like I don't, I I think that I think that it works the same way for both both parties. They they think that they're doing the right thing until they don't. You know what I mean? Uh I I hate to use, we're gonna use pop stars. Clay and thought he was doing the right thing until he wasn't. And then it's just, you know, boop or offset or or Stefan thought that they was doing the right thing until, you know, like are those poor choices of men? I don't know. Were there some upstanding men and you know, because who to trust?

SPEAKER_00 32:14

The church dude, the nerd, the the the playboy, like me and Ariel looking up at each other off community. Yeah, off camera, because when I tell you we got church dude stories, y'all, this it's uh it's not podcast team, but child, who to trust? Who to trust? So, but yeah, the answer is me. Trust yourself. The answer is I trust me. And if I had stayed with that man, I would have started eroding my trust in myself, and that's just not a good look.

SPEAKER_03 32:40

Okay, so then then as as we approach uh hot girl summer, we're rounding it out. Okay. I don't uh so I like like you asked me, what is what does Mr. Future look like? I I I can see that you don't you don't have a necessary roadmap.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

I don't have a roadmap, I have a feeling that is my gut, that is, you know, my higher self and my subconscious, the universe, all the things you want to say. But yeah, I feel so confident in what we're doing right now. I feel so confident in the life that I have built for myself and to how we've gotten this far. And I don't steer myself wrong.

SPEAKER_03 33:20

Okay, so you talked about the materialistic things, you talked about the intangible things, the r finances. Do you consider that? Because sometimes men use finances, right? As an anchor. And sometimes mi men are threatened by women's finances.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

And that's exactly where I want to be in life. I want the next men who meet me. Can you fit into my lifestyle? Because this is what I've got going on, and I wanted that to be clear from the beginning. I was going to put myself in a position with this person where I was going to have to entrust that they could provide for me and a family because of the lifestyle we had planned for each other, because I was also giving in to what he wanted. He wanted to be able to make sure I could be at home with children, right? That was his his idea. And I was okay with that because, like I said, if I am to become a mother, I wanted to be super intentional. I don't want to let my child out into the world and have all the worldly influences raising my child up.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

You don't want to be a working parent?

SPEAKER_00 34:23

I do, but I want to take time off from those first those fundamental years. And I and I want to work in a way where I own my own business.

SPEAKER_03 34:30

Girl, the fundamental years last until you're about 40. Keep going.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

I don't want to be able, I I I always want to work. Like I said, I'm super ambitious. But I also want the choice to not work. And that's what we had agreed on, you know. But at the point where I can't trust you, of course I can't give you connection.

SPEAKER_03 34:48

Not working is a slippery slope. Now, listen, not working doesn't look like what it used to. I think that there were people that didn't work, that got didn't pay the bills, it didn't do da-da-da. And then the husband walked in one day and said, Now I want a divorce, and they're like, What do I do? I don't even have a check. Like, what do I do? So I think that in not working, you would have a different tier of something set up financially where you would never catch yourself in a booby trap.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

I mean, I'm not talking about zero dollars in the bank. No, and I'm not talking, I'm just talking about not having to work. Like, I can have my side projects, I can still do my contracting work, I can still do it, but at no point, like I could take six months off if I need to. I don't have to ask my boss, how long is my maternity leave? Like, you know what I'm saying? Okay, I want that time freedom.

SPEAKER_03 35:36

Yeah, I uh when women find themselves in the we've been married for 10 or 15 years, and now he wants a divorce, and I haven't worked those last 10 or 15 years, and they don't have anything set aside for the. Can you see me? Well, listen, I was just trying to go with the time, what you said. I was like, okay, you said not working. You were going to kowtow to what he said he wanted to do.

SPEAKER_00 35:58

I have been gamefully employed since I was 15. I'm 33 now. I have filed taxes every year since I was 15. Never not had a job. Well, you're not the only audience member.

unknown 36:06

There's other people out here who have just been experienced.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

I'm just saying, because she over here asking me, like, not working.

SPEAKER_03 36:13

Like, no, no, no, because you said that like you know me. But no, you said that you were going to bow down to what he wanted.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

I did not, and and I'm glad this is on recording because it y'all, are y'all freaking kidding me? Did I say bow down? No, I said I had gotten comfortable with the idea of taking time off from my career aspirations to become a mother.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Okay, you said something, I heard something else. I'll write that. Um, all right. Um, so now as we approach hot girl summer, is it um hot yoga or church?

SPEAKER_00 36:50

Girl, it it's both. I might pray on the mat and stretch into church. We'll see. At this point, I gotta try it off.

SPEAKER_03 36:59

I know that's right. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:01

Yeah, I'm I'm uh a little bit on the woo-woo side, meaning like I've I'm very in tune with the universe and this my spiritual side. Um, but yeah, I'm I'm feeling very revitalized right now by being out in nature.

SPEAKER_03 37:15

Are we about to have a glow-up season? Always. Oh, always, yeah. Okay. Would we have had a glow-up season while you were in the relationship? It would have looked different, but I'm not a stagnant person. Okay. Never been. Okay. So who do you like better? Kamaria in a relationship or Kamaria out of relationship?

SPEAKER_00 37:35

At all given times, Kamaria is my favorite person. I don't know why you keep asking me these questions like this. Ask me who I like better. You know, I it's funny you ask that because No, no, no, ask me who I like better.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

No, I'm just joking. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I loved who I was in love. I loved who I was in love. Mm-hmm. I know you're like cringe, but I'm like my place.

SPEAKER_03 38:01

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 38:02

I I and I I feel like that's something like that that's one of the differences, is I was saying how we like I I don't think I impose that on you when you know. I don't think you impose anything on me. I just think that we're completely different that way, and I'm comfortable being my own person in that way. Like, I have always had the ability to like move in love and love out loud and and tell people I love you so much and I love this about you, and just like, you know, it doesn't make me feel weird.

SPEAKER_03 38:27

Me too. And I support people in love.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

She's rolling her eyes anytime someone's talking about love.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Mariel just got married. I love Klay. Um, my sister Pam is married, I love Cece. My niece Joy is married, I love Elijah. So there's that.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Well, I don't want to get struck by lightning, so scoot back then. All right.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

You were about to say something. You said, let me tell you something. No, no. Okay, you're done. I love the people in love. I I just I don't I don't know how it works. I really don't. You know, I can't fathom it. I really can't. Being in love? Um, no, the self-sacrifices that have to be made to sustain that type of thing.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

You don't think you sacrificed in self- self-sacrificed in your past relationships?

SPEAKER_03 39:13

To sustain. To have have it be ongoing year after year. You got married, honey.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

You sustained. You you made it down the aisle three times. No, no, no. That's a lot of sustainable.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

Like the only like when people talk to me about stuff and you're like, oh, I've been doing that, but I've had that job for 20-something years. I think to myself, the only thing I've done long term is be the mother to Kamaria.

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 39:32

That's it. I mean, you know, I've had a job and I've, you know, different things, but the I my patience for a lot of things just doesn't run deep.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

So now that you've asked me a thousand questions about the the type of man, what do you see from me? What what's your vision as my mother?

SPEAKER_03 39:50

Um, so you know, like when granny or your dad asked me, don't you want grandkids? I'm like, if she wants to have kids, they're not my they won't be my kids. Those will be her kids. Like if I have grandkids, that'll be fine. If I don't, that'll be fine. Um, what do I see for you? I I I see all the things that you said that you want from a relationship. I just don't know where you're gonna get it. Like I just don't know where who that person is, where they is, how they exist, and how they're still single and how they find you and how all those things come together, you know.

SPEAKER_00 40:27

But like without a man in mind.

SPEAKER_03 40:29

Oh, without a man in mind. Because you know what, if you want a relationship, I really want to see you in one. You know, like but without a man girl that's I mean, and if I'm being completely honest with you, I might have six more. Six more what relationships. Oh, I'm I might have ten more. Not even relationships, marriages. I really who knows what the world will bring, and I'm open to what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? So um, but personally, I just you know, what I see for you personally is personal success, personal growth, personal, you know, you having all the things. The life I the the life I curated for you, for me, for us, in raising you was to make you believe that you the world is yours. You can have whatever you want to have. And I do believe that. You can have whatever you want to have. You know what I'm saying? And I I just want you to get to that.

SPEAKER_00 41:23

Do I seem like I need to heal to you? Or do I seem okay?

SPEAKER_03 41:28

So you're pretty good at masking. Um I think you were hurt and your feelings were hurt. I think that when you do the one plus one is two math, there's no denying that the math was mathing. So you can't deny the uh logistics and the logic of it all, right? That still doesn't make it where it's not painful. Um and you're a nice, warm and fuzzy type of feelings type of person. You know, I'm not that type of person. So, you know, where I can, it's you know, people like, oh, you're masking. I'm like, no, I really don't care. I know you care. So um, I just hope that and you know, Ashley was encouraging to me last week or whenever the last time we had that podcast, when she said, Listen, two weeks after I left the one, I met the one that I'm marrying or just married. And I'm like, girl, bravo, because love doesn't have a timetable.

SPEAKER_00 42:27

Yeah, that that last podcast recording day we had, it really helped me a lot because, like I said, I had broken up with the person the night before, come up to New York. We had the Kiana shoot, we had the Ashley shoot.

SPEAKER_03 42:41

And she faked the funk. And she did so good in faking the funk. And I was so listen, but you know what? So when when even when I was sitting in the chair and she was listening to um Kiana, and she's and she brought it up in a TikTok that she did. She said, When Kiana said, God will allow it, that doesn't mean I ordained it. I watched her. I was like, why'd she respond like that? Because she looked like she was about to get up and do a lap.

SPEAKER_00 43:04

Yeah, no, Kiana said, she said, God will allow your relationship, but he won't anoint it if it's not like you know, the one that's for you. And I swear the energy in my body was like, Woo!

SPEAKER_03 43:14

I wanted to jump up. And there was something Ashley said that you kind of responded to that way too. And I was just like, mm-hmm. And so then later on, when she said she had broken up with the man the night before, I said, eh, mm-hmm. I knew my spidey senses weren't off. Um, but no, I was very proud for how you managed that, how you're managing this.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

Um there's nothing more important to me right now than this. This I read the comments, I read them all, I look at y'all's profiles, I do so much research because I've mentioned it before, my background is in journalism. I wasn't in journalism because it's the most profitable career. I was in journalism because I genuinely love sharing good. Information to people so that they can make the best choices for their life. And that's why the truth matters so much to me. That's why the truth matters so much in my relationship, because that is one of my core foundational values that I honor by and by, not just in my personal life. I'm honest with myself, I'm honest with the people around me. I'm honest with my audiences, and that's what I do for work. So to have the ability to leave journalism and now create this brand new platform where the main goal is to share truths, especially with black women who have the opportunity to learn from somebody else's experiences, to see somebody in a situation that they never thought for themselves, to see empowered black women, single mother or not, this is the most important thing to me. This is my calling. This is what I love. So the opportunity to work with you, to work with Ariel, to just be in a space where I'm literally working and moving in love 24-7. And then that so clearly being this thing that stuck out to me, it was just, it made it like this this platform has changed my lens of how I strive for my goals. It doesn't have to hurt. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be sacrifice.

SPEAKER_03 45:09

When you watch or when you read comments and you watch women who have similar experiences but very different outcomes, and them saying things like, Oh my God, I wish I had I would have to do it. If someone had told me I wish I did it, I wish someone had told me blah, blah, blah, blah. Then it just encourages you to say, okay, listen, you know, and when long time ago, when when this first started, when I went viral, children were asking me questions, like, girl, how old are you? Do you have children? They were just asking me questions because I didn't look like what their mother looked like. And I realized that there were so many people that had a void that I could potentially, so very much to that point, when you come into this space and you realize that there are so many people living a lie or living a life that they don't want, or living da-da-da-da, because they feel uh pressured, or because they feel like this is my circumstance, or because they're afraid to make a change, or because they haven't seen anybody do anything different, then then I'm willing to say, listen, I'm I'm Because you said you were almost a little worried that you had made me a stayer because you were a lever. So my niece Jory, um, one time I was talking to her about something, something I said something to her, and she said, Well, I can't take no advice from you. And you know, and she gave me the reasons why. And I was like, Oh, boo, well, if you think that you should be the exact opposite of who I am because you're opposed to, you know, my outcome, I'm afraid for your outcome. Do you know what I'm saying? So I was like, Oh, so it just gave me a lens to say, okay, so people look at me and like, oh, okay, well, you girl, you don't know.

SPEAKER_00 46:52

Well, I mean, that's one person's purview.

SPEAKER_03 46:54

Right, right, right. And so, and so, but then it just made me say, you know, obviously living with me, being raised by me, gives you influences on how you're going to do this life. So, not really afraid of making you a stayer. The question was, in your head, do you feel like you want to stay longer because you've watched me leave? Like, you know, like I watched my mother stay, and I'm like, boom. Ain't no way I'll ever put up with that for that length of time. That's what I know in my heart for sure. So watching her be a stayer certainly impacted me and made me a lever.

SPEAKER_02 47:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:30

You know what I'm saying? So me being a lever may have impacted you and made you a stayer. So I was asking the question.

SPEAKER_00 47:37

Yeah, I definitely think that everyone carries things from their childhood. But I'm at the age now when people are talking to me about their shortcomings and they're telling me about how they are raised, oh, null and void. Null and void.

SPEAKER_03 47:48

Girl, because now you're grown.

SPEAKER_00 47:49

So please pick who you're gonna be. Literally, literally.

unknown 47:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:53

You know, like, oh, when I have conversations with people and they say, Well, my mother this, and can we not talk about? I understand how that impacted your childhood and your upbringing and your life.

SPEAKER_00 48:03

Book the therapist.

SPEAKER_03 48:04

Just book the therapist. Book the therapist, girl, live, move. Right, right. Do your thing.

SPEAKER_00 48:08

Yeah. So I was having a conversation with um Keela the other night after we went to an event together. And she said, How are you doing doing? Because you seem actually okay. I said, Okay with what? She said, The breakup. I said, Oh, you know, that was hard. But it's been about four weeks now, so and she was like, So what? I said, so sad time is up. I I can't live there. I I felt it. I took time to feel it, trust me. I did my boo-hoo. I did my big one. But now, like I'm still Kamaria. Life is still great. Like, life is actually, I'm in a really, really great position. I was able to move on from that with no kids, baggage, harm done to me. And it could have been so much worse. If I had to take that test again, oh no, I don't know. So, yeah. I I I do mask really well, but I will say right now I'm not masking. I'm I'm light as a feather. Okay. I genuinely feel that way.

SPEAKER_03 49:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 49:11

Well, then on that note, thank you guys for watching once again. We are so happy that this community and that this platform is growing.

SPEAKER_03 49:19

Yes, and you know what? And thank you. You know what? The notes that say, thank you for the work that you're doing here. And I'm like, what work? Talking to my child. So you know what? It's it's so important to us. Very important. We really love it.

SPEAKER_00 49:35

And if you haven't already, please subscribe. You can find us here on YouTube. We're on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon, and we'll be back. That was Between Mothers and Daughters.

SPEAKER_03 49:44

Bye. Thank you.