A Young Divorcée Shares Her New Perspective on Love In Her Second Marriage

In this episode of Between Mothers and Daughters, we are joined again by our Executive Producer and friend, Ariel. If you haven't already seen the first episode with Ariel, we recommend you start there. In this conversation, we ask Ariel about her recent wedding, how being a young divorcée shaped her mindset around love and life, and learn more about how her and her new husband are estate planning. This episode is full of gems and wisdom!

Follow the host on social media Patti @taskyourself & Kamaria @kamarialeyla and the podcast page @betweenmothersanddaughters. Follow the guest Ariel on Instagram @thearieledit

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hi, and welcome back to Between Mothers and Daughters. Because if you can't tell your mother, then who can you tell? Before we jump into today's episode, I want to remind you all to please subscribe to our channel here on YouTube. We're so excited that the platform is growing. You can also find us on Apple Music, Spotify, and Amazon. So, you guys have met today's guest before. This is a part two of Miss Ariel. She is back and she is freshly married. Hi, everyone.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Okay, so let me just say that everyone has a status change. Yeah, everyone has a except for me, child. I'm I'm holding stitch. You got a new apartment. Oh, I got a new apartment. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 0:39

So congratulations.

SPEAKER_04 0:41

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

And this outfit is so cute. The hat that Ariel's wearing, if you can see us on YouTube, was part of her wedding look.

SPEAKER_04 0:49

It surely was. Meeting Canada, heirloom hats.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

And so I'm going to say the wedding look was a surprise. I don't know if you got to see it first. I didn't get to see it first. She was like anybody. She was like, I'm not showing anyone. She was like, because I just want to do my thing.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

And when I it was so, so good, y'all. When I tell you guys, the I posted a video on my TikTok of Ariel's wedding look. It's the second most popular video on my TikTok. It's gone viral. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

And so let and this is what I told Ariel. I said, listen, all this is so good. Like, you know, if I was the crying kind, you would have got a tear from me. But I'm not the crying kind, so that meant a lot for you. It meant a lot.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

So how does it feel? How does it feel? How long wait? How long have you and Kunlay been together?

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Yes. We have been together six years. And I know that might be a red flag for some people. Like, you waited six years to get married. But it feels like yesterday, but keep going.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

I was gonna say it does not feel like six years.

SPEAKER_04 1:42

It feels like yesterday. I feel very good about the amount of time that we waited. I feel like everything we did was super intentional down to like how we got to know each other, to even living with each other before we're getting married, having kids before we get married.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

I advise, I advise.

SPEAKER_04 1:59

All of that, I feel like, is making marriage seem like a cakewalk. There's not there's nothing different. Like this is my person.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

This is when I tell you guys there was not everybody was so emotional at this wedding. There was not a neutral feeling, and it was so intense, and the love was like almost permeable. Like, if you look back at the pictures, like I have to look at every single person's faces because there's just so many emotions. And if you guys see part one of Ariel, if you haven't seen part one of Ariel, please go back and watch that so you can have a little bit of understanding and context. But of course, naturally, we're all a little bit trauma bonded because of the birth story, but also everyone is just so happy for you too because your love is it's your love is not what we see anymore these days. There's something very classic, but something very fresh and new about it too.

SPEAKER_04 2:50

Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

No, it really, really is. You know what, and again, you if you know anything about me, I'm not necessarily a relationship advocate. Um, not that I'm not. I mean, I want everyone to be happily in love, and you know, so to find it or to see it, I'm always super excited about it. And I don't know if Kunlay told you, I pulled him to the side and said, listen here.

SPEAKER_02 3:08

No, he didn't tell me.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Okay, and he and he shouldn't. And so, you know, so because I had conversation with him, just because I I want to see it work. You know what I'm saying? You still sometimes ask me questions.

SPEAKER_04 3:18

You're like, so so he believes in your work? Like he he supports you, like almost as if it's like I have not seen the level of supportive man that I need to see.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

Yeah. So I have to do quiz tests to see, okay, so there so one does exist. So you so let me ask you this then. Yeah. She's a natural skeptic. I'm a natural skeptic. Listen, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 3:45

And okay, so but you're also like you'll call me on it too. Like, I said something some years ago. I'm like, well, you know, men will be men or whatever. And like we got off the phone and and you called me back.

unknown 3:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:58

And you said, don't say that. Don't speak that onto your relationship. So, yes, you are a skeptic, but like I think you can also you have a level of discernment where you can see, like, also like be careful what you say.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Like, right, no, if it's going well, let's let's, you know, let's let's let's make sure we do all the things to put the boat in motion to keep it going forward and make sure that it goes well.

SPEAKER_04 4:19

Believe it or not, ladies also have to do our part.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

We do.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

The men, they're terrible, but we have to do a little something every now and then.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

So some people may not know this is your second marriage.

SPEAKER_04 4:31

Yes, very chic, uh divorcee.

SPEAKER_03 4:33

Yes, a very young divorcee you were at that, because we're the same age. I'm eight days older. Um, so a little more experience and knowledge, but um the eight old days. But how would you say this relationship is different from the first marriage and the first relationship?

SPEAKER_04 4:51

Absolutely. It's it's different in every way conceivable. I have to first start with I met my ex-husband when I was 19 years old.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

He was Which I was uh uh opposed to keep going.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

Yes, yes. We didn't get married at that age, but I was 19, he was eight years older than me. So there was always this huge age gap, this knowledge gap of sorts. It was a knowledge gap. Um I was insecure in in so many ways. Financially insecure, emotionally insecure, um spiritually, I I I and then what your outlook on the world is 19, early 20s, is completely different now that I'm in my 30s. And I can also say I don't speak in absolutes. It could be different when I'm 40. Correct. So just making these huge life decisions at such a young age, I really had no idea what I was doing. And I definitely had no discernment in picking a partner either. Like um, because I was financially insecure, this person came into my life who who appeared to have a lot of security in that he was a homeowner, he had a steady job, um, you know, he valued marriage and and family, what it looked like on the outside. And for me, coming from the home and background that I came from, that looked like safety. And I was looking for safety. I was always in kind of like survival mode. And I thought, like, oh, with him, like, we could do it together, we could build together. It was also like a 50-50 relationship. I don't believe in that anymore. Um, so like he was working hard, I was working hard. Like, we're pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, and like versus now, um, when I met Kunlay.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

And where did you meet Kunlay? Because I I we're gonna get back to that. I'm not gonna forget where we are, but I do want to talk a little bit about where you were in life when you met Kunlay because it's so different. And I was such a close observer of you in this time, and it was she was just that was truly Ariel's nickname, and her old handles used to be Phoenix the Flame. That was truly the Phoenix. Like, you took that first marriage, you took the pain, the lessons, all of it, and you rebirthed fast. And I mean, like, you I think you're kind of like me. Like, you were like, okay, I have five minutes to cry. Yeah. And then after that, we gotta go get it. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 7:15

No, don't get me wrong, I was heartbroken. I was down bad, you know. I have my moment. But I also was a new homeowner. I bought a home at the end of my marriage. I didn't know my marriage was ending. Um, but I was a single homeowner, and I was like, oh well, one thing that's not gonna happen, I'm not gonna lose my home. And any older woman in my life was like, girl, that's a blessing. Like, do whatever you gotta do to hold on to that. Like, you don't understand. And in that moment, I didn't see it as a blessing. It was almost like a burden, but I was just like, there's no way, especially through the financial insecurity I saw early on in my life. I was like, oh, I can't lose my house.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

This is this is my this is my little I I remember like was it three jobs, a bottle girl, and some other stuff I was on?

SPEAKER_04 7:57

I was hustling. Oh my god, I wasn't worried about no man. I was working so hard. I was um back in video production, I was producing music videos, I was trying to get on set as much as possible. I worked like a full-time job. And then, yes, I was also working nights at the club. I was working from like 10 to 5 in the morning and then going to work at 7 a.m. on Monday morning. It was insane. So I was not worried about a man, but at the club, um, you know, walks in big energy, and I was just I wasn't impressed. I didn't like to talk to dudes at the club. That was not where I like to meet men at that time. But he was very persistent, and then also he told me that he lived out of town, so like it was all red flags for me. I'm at you in the club, you live out of town, but I gave him a number to get some tips. I'm not gonna lie. Like, I was trying to get my money. And he asked me to breakfast, and I was like, oh, so you're trying to you're trying to take me to bed. Like, I'm not going to breakfast with you. So um, you know, he tries to text me. I'm not really texting back, I'm not really texting back. He goes back to wherever he lives, and and then he FaceTimes me. And I was like, all right, well, I'll have the conversation. And we talked and never stopped talking. Never stopped talking. And even in the club, he was like, I'm really interested in getting to know you. I'm gonna book a flight back. And he booked a flight in the club to come back to Atlanta. And I was like, still, I'm thinking he's full shit. Like, but he really two weeks later, after like talking on the phone, he came right back and he was exactly the person that he was or like promised to be, and he has never stopped being that person.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Okay, so and and the were you did you have thoughts of a relationship after the long FaceTime call? No. No. When did you have thoughts of a relationship? Was it after the first book back when he booked the trip back?

SPEAKER_04 9:50

No, he was probably like ringing me by my neck, like, girl, you gonna be my girlfriend, like in in the nicest way possible. But he was the only man I was talking to, he was the only man I was being intimate with, but I still had like I don't know, I was still figuring out what a conventional relationship looked like. I felt like I maybe even wanted to explore other forms of relationship. I genuinely didn't know. But he was just like, hey, you know, like you've seen what's out there in the streets. Do you want that or do you want me? And I was like, oh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

And you were in such a different place because of the divorce and your hustle mindset. How did how do you think your mind was like operating different when you met him versus the void you were trying to fill when you met husband number one?

SPEAKER_04 10:35

Well, I mean, financial is I know we speak about that a lot, and like women get these labels put on them, but like what I learned in my first marriage was that you know, if I go 50-50 with you, I'm still gonna pour into your cup so much more than you could ever put into mine, and that particular person that's an unfair disadvantage. You expect me to pay half the bills and then be pouring into your cup. What do I have left?

SPEAKER_00 11:06

I okay. So does he pour in in this 50-50 land that I know nothing about? Um, does he pour the same amount of pouring into you? We're not talking about 50-50 anymore. She's saying 50-50 is a little bit more. I know, I know, no, no, I know. But I'm saying, how does this 50? I want to know how you thought it was going to work.

SPEAKER_04 11:22

Yeah, I thought we'd be like equally pouring into each other, supporting one another, you know, like being happy for each other, being there for family situations. And it was just, it was just not that. And like I feel like I I also didn't know what I brought to the table as a woman. I thought, like, oh, you have to cook and clean and like that's not really who I am, really, in reality.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Okay, because um so my question is in the 50-50, do do you split the cooking? Do you split the cleaning? Do you split how does it work?

SPEAKER_04 11:52

Yeah, in my first marriage, I I saw glimpses of that. Like, I I feel like I was probably even more of an active participator in the the cooking, the cleaning, the the house stuff versus what I get to be now is just I feel like I get to be myself. I'm not worried about a 50-50. First, first of all, Kunlay is a provider, so like that was something that I mentioned off the bat. Speaking of mindset, I was just like, hey, I know now what I bring to the table. I'm a hustler. Number one. Number two, your life is going to improve because you're with me. A motivator. Absolutely. An enhancer. Absolutely. And then at that point, we were discussing, you know, having children. Like, you trust me to raise our children. I'm gonna put my career on hold in whatever shape or form. That's a reality that women experience when we have children. So all these things, I was like, I'm not going 50-50 with you. So you believe in gender roles? No, okay. No, I'm just saying what I was bringing to the table as a woman, I was not willing to go 50-50 with finances.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

Okay. And when you and Kunlay did get together, first of all, I just have to go back to that time because it was so much fun. Okay. I know, I know the heartbreak was hard. Y'all, when Ariel called me and said, I'm done with this man, I'm about to pack him up. I booked my flight. I came down to Atlanta. I had just gotten a new job, but I was able to work remote still. Came down to Atlanta. We in her house, we push in his, we get all his stuff out.

SPEAKER_04 13:24

Actually, I'm gonna be honest. That man left and took the ornaments off the Christmas tree. It was like the Grinch that stole Christmas. I ain't had nothing. I had nothing.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

So we we in there, no couch, yeah, sharing her bed, sharing everything, and we was fine. But we was running around, we got us a U-Haul truck, we went to your sister's house, got that uh extra couch she had. Um, Ariel was doing five, 15 jobs, working like somebody, and she got me hired on to the music video she was working on, so I could be making a little extra cash while I was down there. It was around the time of our birthday. Yes. So we threw this epic house party in her house where we had just put a couch in. It was perfect comedy because I saw pictures of and I'm like, wait, okay, I'm literally just asking a question.

SPEAKER_04 14:08

Laid out on the floor, just spread out on the floor.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

It was like literally a Project X type of party that we threw in her house. It was so much fun. And actually, I remember because you had just met Koon Lang. So at this point, I'm hearing the FaceTime calls. I'm hearing this name. I've never met him, and you didn't want him to come to our house party. I didn't, I didn't. And he still gets mad at us about this.

SPEAKER_04 14:27

He will not let it go to this day that he was not invited to that party. But when I tell you, like, we were just so we were, we were good. We were making the best of the situation in the best way possible. Like, it was fun. I felt free, I felt empowered, I felt strong. I love that you were there. It was probably like two weeks. You were like, should I make another you know flight back? And like, yeah, it was like one of the best times of my life. I felt, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

I felt truly transformed, like you were truly transforming in front of my eyes. And Kunlay couldn't have found you at a better time because you needed for nothing. Your community was strong as ever, your sister stepped in, I stepped in, you knew you had people, and you were confident that you could sustain everything the house, the bills, like you were hustling, don't get me wrong, you were working a lot, but you lacked for nothing.

SPEAKER_04 15:21

I didn't. I felt I would probably make more money than I had ever made, which I actually, when I don't have a man, I do make a lot more money. Same. So I'm I was even though it was a lot of work, I felt so empowered by the work. I love being on set, I love coming here with you guys. Like, that is when I feel my best. It's like I got new blood running through my veins. Like, it's the magic just drips out. So, like I just felt I felt my best. And so meeting someone when you truly feel your best, you know that they have to just be adding to that.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Okay, so I said early in the um at the onset that there were two relationship status changes because Kamaria is no longer with her partner anymore. She is currently single. Yeah. Ariel's married. And I'm gonna tell an Ariel story. Okay. Ariel and I were on the phone, and we were talking, this is back when Kamaria was in a relationship, and she said, uh, so what do you think about, you know, XYZ? I said, Ugh.

SPEAKER_03 16:20

Don't ask your last partner.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Oh, you're saying it like they know what you're talking about. The last person. And I was like, I'm I'm not feeling it, you know. So we we chatted it out for a little bit, and she said, Well, have you shared with Kamaria? And this is what I said to her. I said, No, but I also didn't share with you with what I thought about your first partner either. I said, because sometimes nobody asks me. So I just sit in the wings and watch it. It's so funny, because there's a lot of things you tell me that I don't know if I ever take this position now, but okay, keep keep going. But um, and I think I did share some things about X, Y, and Z, and I was just like, but listen, live your life, you know, because the I think that there are certain lessons that you learn from living your life.

SPEAKER_04 17:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

And so even though I didn't love your X, Y, and Z, right? Did not at all. And you came and told me a couple different stories, and I was like, please don't even tell me that story about X, Y, and Z because you're not helping this cause at all. Like no, no.

SPEAKER_04 17:18

And I it was that way across the board, I think. Yeah, right. My my family endured for me.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

And so I I would listen to these stories and I would think to myself, mmm, he not long for this, because yeah, this this won't last, right? And so, yeah, so I and so that's that's one of the things that gave me confidence and not even sharing with Kamari what I thought. Because I think to myself, as when people when people start telling their stories, I'm like, you can't hear yourself though, right? He said, What? He did what?

SPEAKER_04 17:51

But no, when you in the thick of it, no, you're you're you got blinders on. And then, like, also there was, I don't know if you felt this, but I felt shame and embarrassment. Like, I invited my whole family and friends to come see us get married, and like the marriage didn't last, and you know, like I was over here on the internet, love is this and love is that, and da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, actually, I I don't know what love is. This person never loved me, and I'm just, yeah, what do I do with that?

SPEAKER_00 18:19

You know, and and that's how is that that's the thing about love. When you're in a season, and we're always in different seasons, right? You you're a sponge for what you need. We're always sponges for what we need. And so when he came into your life, I recognized I was like, oh, that's that little uh she's soaking up that water. She thinks it's that's mud water, though. She doesn't even want that water. But right now it feels like it's filling her sponge.

SPEAKER_04 18:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

You feel thirsty and okay, you said but that so I I I am glad for that season for you because without that season, uh oh, I I would not be the same woman I am today.

SPEAKER_04 19:00

The same partner I get to be to Kunlay, the the love and appreciation I have for him because I I I did not have that. And this person who allows me to be soft, and and we talk about living in our feminine and all that, but like genuinely there was a time I'm like, oh, I'm not surviving anymore.

SPEAKER_03 19:25

I'm just flourishing.

SPEAKER_04 19:27

Truly, like that this is a life I could not have imagined.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

Imagine having a cool and not knowing how to Ariel has a chandelier in her shower.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

She doesn't show her house and her life online. When I tell you nobody's lived, and I'm not gonna say soft life, because I actually don't believe in a soft life, but when I tell you your life is so naturally luxurious, there's nothing that you feel the need to brag on. It just it all exists in the space of like, oh, this is how someone who lives a luxurious life lives because none of it feels out of place. It's literally like watching you walk through your gorgeous home with your gorgeous children and every one thing is designed perfectly and aesthetically pleasing. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

And it's and the children with all the international clothes, matching outfits.

SPEAKER_03 20:07

It's just like, well, I guess this is how it should be. Nothing is forced, nothing is, it's all your experiences. It's like sometimes you can walk into a space and it feels so forcefully luxurious curated in a way that you're like, oh, this is luxury, branded. No, like when I walk in your life and I see how you move through your house at ease, it's clean, everything's regulated. I walk in their house and I'm like, let me take a deep breath. You're right.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

You're right. And the beauty is if when you have life lessons, you can be traumatized by them and show up as trauma for everyone after that, or you can really learn the lesson. L it's not a loss, it's just a lesson. You can learn the lesson, and then the next you can be the better you.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Because what if you hadn't had the previous lesson? Could you could you be this woman that you are now?

SPEAKER_04 20:56

No, and it listen, I have my flaws too, you know. Like so being with someone I where I could be my worst at because they weren't a great person. You know, no one held me accountable. You know, if I was losing that person, I'm like, oh, well, it's not that big of a deal, you know, whatever. They they weren't that great. But like the thought of losing Kumlay, no, I have to step my cookies up. Like, I gotta be equal to him. I have to bring what he brings. And and that's not a a monetary value, that's not a oh, I'm a high value man, so you do. It's it's love, it's peace.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

It's he is none of the buzzwords, but he is all the buzzwords. He beyond he beyond exceeds the expectations of the buzzwords, but he's not using them in the way like, but he's actually living them. Yeah. Okay, but we talked about how you all met. Yes. So there's a question mark for the audience who's still catching up on the story. He was long distance, you were you were working in the club and and at the auto shop and at the the nail salon and and everywhere else.

SPEAKER_04 21:57

So how the time a crackhead had to fix my car? Oh my god! That's another story.

SPEAKER_03 22:03

Y'all we have been through we have some stories. Okay, but how did we go from he lives in Maryland, you live in Atlanta, to y'all live together?

SPEAKER_04 22:11

Yes. Okay. So we he was traveling back and forth. Like I said, he was working remote. He also saw how hard I was working, and we had a conversation about him moving in. So there's this I'm moving into your house in Atlanta. Moving into my house into Atlanta. And we we discussed other options. I was like, oh, I could put my house for rent, you know. But I I like I said, I was really busy with my video production. I had a lot of connections.

SPEAKER_00 22:37

How long was this in the relationship?

SPEAKER_04 22:38

This was really like eight months. Okay. Um so he was like, Well, I work remote. I'm not tied to Maryland. I never saw myself living there forever. I'm happy to move in with you. So, like I said, I was not willing to go 50-50 with someone. So we kind of had a conversation of what that would look like. And he asked me, I've never told anyone of this. I don't, I don't even think I was telling my sister the conversation, but she didn't even know this part. Um he asked me, he was like, You got the bills, you're you're paying the bills. Can we keep it that way for six months? And I will move in with you, and I will not pay any bills, but after the six months are over, I will take over all the bills. I'll pay everything. And I remember when he asked me, he asked me in person, I was like, I need to think about it. Um, because um I'm not green. I I don't believe in letting a man just come live in your house. Like, even when I had roommates and they had their men, I was like, what what was the reason behind that ask? He was trying to financially prepare himself to buy a home. Um he saw that I had a home, and there was, you know, we talked about like the benefits of homeownership, equity, just having something to leave to our children, but there was like some steps that he had to take to prepare himself. Although he had the cash money, like I saw his check stubs, like that wasn't an issue. It was just some some other steps that he had to do.

SPEAKER_03 24:05

So you weren't going into it blindly. There were things that he did to help you establish trust that he actually could save money to buy a house.

SPEAKER_04 24:11

Absolutely. So I okay, I definitely did not go into it blind. I was like, yeah, at that point, like I said, we had been together eight months, but we were dating long distance, and it was very transparent. He was like, this is how much I make, this is how much I bring home, this goes to this, this goes to that, this is how much my rent is, and like, you know, I you hear all these, my my husband's Nigerian, and you hear all these horror stories about Nigerian scammers. I got some family back home, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was never that. It was very much like, this is this is everything. This is all I have. Like, I'm laying it out on the table. So you said yes. I said yes. So, yes, for the first six months. Now, he still paid for like groceries, dates, blah, blah, blah. But for like the mortgage, I paid it all for six months while he lived with me. And ever since I have not paid another bill, period. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:03

And that's just like a risky thing to take. And I'm it's beautiful that it worked out. But I would say he also, you didn't go into it blind. You didn't just hear him say that and say, okay, you saw some things that said, I think I can trust this.

SPEAKER_04 25:18

I needed tangible evidence. Also, like, so I worked at a club one day, my phone broke, and he was just like, uh, I don't want you going to work with no phone. So he gave me his phone. And I tell, I'm telling my homegirl at the club, she's like, wait, your man gave you his phone, like, just willingly gave you his phone. But he did. He had nothing to hide. And like, first of all, I don't care to go through your phone, but if I did, like, I have all night to go through it. And like, he just he was not worried. You he let me drive his car. Like, there was he just poured into me with trust.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

During that six months, did were you afraid at all? Like, what if this doesn't what if what if at month five he disappears, or you were just kind of confident in it?

SPEAKER_04 26:00

There was a little bit of fear, I think, because my past situation, I think that yeah, I I did have a little fear, but I was just like, hey, I'm I'm still making it work. You know, and like I don't I also and I don't want to recommend women to go off a gut feeling, but like I've I don't either.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Um so in each situation is individual, and I'm super excited that worked out. This is a wonderful story. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

Don't be like, well, Ariel did it, so I should yes, because I will say right now, I know someone who had that same offer proposition to them who took it two years later, no house.

SPEAKER_04 26:34

Yeah. So I I think that's uh it could be a cautionary tale as well.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

It could be a cautionary tale as well. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 26:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

We thank God for good for happy endings.

SPEAKER_04 26:44

Number one, I look for evidence, and number two, he he created an environment where I trusted him, and everything he said he would do, he did. And I also had a little bit of a gut feeling.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Okay, and I want to put a pause in here real quick, just to divot. Um, if you all have not seen the first podcast, Ariel and Kamaria have known each other for how long?

SPEAKER_03 27:05

17 years. 17 years.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

They went to high school together. Um, Ariel and Kamaria both work with uh between mothers and daughters full-time. Um Ariel as a Euro Um executive producer. Kamaria Euro media strategist. Meet a mama. Um so yeah, I just wanted to give that backstory in case everyone was like, who is Ariel and where is she from?

SPEAKER_03 27:29

Yeah, Ariel and I, this leading up to, and we are pivoting a little bit, but leading up to this moment is so not random. Ariel and I met in a video production class. Yeah. And we had a show on the morning announcements called What's Hot, What's Not. Sure it is. And we have been making videos together, whether it's music videos, like you said, we've been worked on music videos together, all types of projects. Both of our degrees are in production. So this has all led up to this moment, and we've both worked on media pretty much always, even before college.

SPEAKER_04 28:02

Who knew? Like we've been manifesting this. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

And so when people are like, oh, that's so cool that your daughter and her friend work for you. No, no, no. She this one does this thing, and this one does this thing, and they both have degrees to do these things, and that's why we do it. And uh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:15

Yeah, it's beautiful that we all get to work together.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

It's it's beautiful. It's because we truly are like the most creative little group.

SPEAKER_03 28:21

I yes. Outside of this, like when we're decorating our houses, when we go shopping together, when we're hosting together, we're a very creative bunch, so it feels right. Yeah, it feels great. It does. I feel privileged. I really feel super duper privileged. I think we all are. Okay. So sorry. Back back to what we were saying. Okay, so you talked about um it worked out. After those six months, it worked out.

SPEAKER_04 28:47

Yes. And then eventually um he he was in the position to buy his home. We bought a new house. And my house, we made our Airbnb, and that was like one of our first businesses that we started together, and it's still successfully running to this day. Um yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

So I feel like if I did a disservice and in and you all's sharing of information when I when you all were younger, I probably I I probably could have shared more financial things. Do you think you had the information to share or I heard you say somewhere, somewhere at some point that you know, you were some your new job was talking to you about a 401k. Where I certainly could have shared the 401k information for with you, but you know what I'm saying? But when I look at how you and Koonlay do your things and your finances and that sort of thing, and I and now you and I have a luxury of having the same financial advisor, and so I feel like that's now on track. And you know, but I'm just I'm just glad to see, even where I know that I left holes, because I left holes. Um there are so many things to share with daughters, right? There's so from hygiene to health to partners to just so many things that is a spot that I feel like I didn't cover.

SPEAKER_04 30:05

So I do feel like a women women do kind of get a disservice in the in the finances department. Um not just from mothers, just in general, fathers, like it's just I don't think anyone made it a priority to teach women about money.

SPEAKER_00 30:23

Yeah. And you know what, and honestly, because the matriarchy is just something that's kind of not the matriarchy in the sense of the spiritual sense, but in in the financial world sense. It's still new. It's still new. Like women had to be married because they couldn't vote unless they were married.

SPEAKER_03 30:40

They couldn't have a baccount, couldn't open a bank account, couldn't have TikTok women who are 55, 60, 70 getting their first apartment ever by themselves because they could never, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

Right. So so I am glad that you all have covered your own tracks. And so you have financial plans with Kumlay? Do you all work out?

SPEAKER_04 30:59

Yes, we have lots of financial plans. Um, like sometimes our weekends are spent over spreadsheets or like, you know, some something that he made up in AI, like, okay, we need to go over this. But number one, I think I had some knowledge with homeownership that that was like a benefit for me. So I came into it with some knowledge. And then, you know, with him also being a homeowner, we realized that we had we had some growing equity. We had these things that we wanted to kind of preserve. And we had to also with the the scare of my birth, which we talked about in the previous episode, um, it brought into the reality that, like, okay, what the what if situations? What if I'm not here? We're we weren't legally married, we we had no legal ties to each other. So, like, could a random family member come in and be like, oh, this is actually my house? Well, no, I want that house to be for my children. So it made us realize that we had some gaps that we needed to cover. So we started estate planning and that uh we just finished it. We'd um congratulations. Thank you so much. Yes, yes, yes. It was a fully in-depth situation when you have to actually put on paper, like, hey, this is what I have, this is what's in a bank account, this is how much this is not the Atlanta dreams.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

I don't know what it is, y'all. Working at the nightclub and met you a Nigerian, got new houses, got kids, and now we just stay planning, period.

SPEAKER_00 32:30

Houses and cards. Houses and cards. At the end of both, keep going. My little Atlanta Cinderella.

SPEAKER_03 32:38

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

And then when I send them, um, I'm like, what do you want for the boys to have for their birthday like money in their account, please? I'm like, oh sure, no problem.

SPEAKER_04 32:47

Every year for the boys' birthday, when people ask what they want, we send them their college savings account. That's a $529, if you guys don't know. Um, so we um, and and I would say that's also his vision. He is a great man and has a very clear plan. But he's never like, hey, this is my plan, donk on the head, you have to do it too. He's like, hey, what do you think about this? Do you think this is beneficial? What are the pros and cons? Hey, we're gonna meet with this lawyer. I want you to have questions too. Like, what are your questions? What did you think about it?

SPEAKER_03 33:15

But you are an amazing actualizer. As someone who's also a visionary, I feel extremely blessed to be able to partner with someone like you all the time. Because sometimes, as clear as I know what I want, it's hard to actualize. And even with this podcast, I was trying to explain to you after we the first podcast episode we shot, we tried to do it ourselves in a hotel room. No, we talked about that this morning. No professional help. And after I saw it, I just told Ariel, this is what I want, this is what's in my head. This, what we just did, is not it. And she came back to me and she said, Okay, look, here are some options. Does this look right? Does this feel right? Can we move forward from here? I'm like, actually, yes. How did you find these things? How did you do these things? So I know that Kunlay probably feels the same way about you. It's like for someone who is a visionary to have to be in partnership with someone who's an actualizer, it's an amazing concept.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

An actualizer, I like that. I like that. I do too.

SPEAKER_03 34:08

Yeah, because it's like the reality. We can just make our reality.

SPEAKER_04 34:11

Yes. Because I think we can all get stuck on, oh, I want it to look like this and I want to do this, but like, what actual steps do we need to take to make that happen? You know what?

SPEAKER_00 34:19

And let me just say, that is also the benefit of having both of you all in this space, right? Because, like, I think Kamaria said earlier, we all have this creative whimsy, right? Yeah. But you have your forte, you have your forte. And like, you know what, let me just tell you something. These two sit and plan and put together this whole podcast, and they do this long, laborious hour, and they chat with each other for hours on end, and then they say, Okay, Patty, meet with us so we can talk about it. I'm like, what is it? Well, you want me to read something? Okay, okay. And I'm like, Can I go from the dome?

SPEAKER_04 34:51

And they're like, At this point we let her. Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

We that's the beautiful thing about working with your mama. You know who you you know who you're dealing with. Right, right, right, right. And you know, and like, and early on, this is I'm aside stories. Ariel be would be on, we would be on calls together, business calls um with our management team, my management team, and then you know, Air will be making faces. I'm like, what just happened? And she's making faces at me because I did something that's very Patty-esque, which I don't think anything of. Like, it's not crazy, right?

SPEAKER_04 35:19

And she's always like, girl, you know you're crazy. My husband thought that Patty had a cross eye.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

He was like, Oh, that's so sad about her eye.

SPEAKER_04 35:29

Like a legit cross eye.

SPEAKER_03 35:30

Because she's always crossing her eyes on our meeting.

SPEAKER_00 35:33

So when anyone says something strange to me, it's not a I don't cross them, they cross themselves.

SPEAKER_03 35:38

Mind you, the strange thing they'll say is, Patty, did you complete that task that we asked you to do four days ago?

SPEAKER_00 35:43

And then my eyes will cross.

SPEAKER_03 35:47

And I'll be like, Are you talking to me? People be like, it must be so much fun to work with your mom.

SPEAKER_04 35:52

Yes, and yes, and so yes. All that to say, we are officially estate planning. We actually just finished, we signed the papers on Thursday. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it at Bascom Law. They were very thorough. We like them. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 36:09

Um But you've actually gone through the or started and gone through the process of estate planning, and I feel like that's kind of a buzzword right now, this whole generational wealth comp conversation. For those of us who have not gotten to our that phase in our life, what are some of the lessons from this process? Because I know you've been meeting with lawyers and stuff. Y'all, I'll be calling to talk about my BS. I'm like, hey Fran, what you doing? She's like, I'm with the lawyer. I'm like, oh okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, back.

unknown 36:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Like actually, my lawyer said.

SPEAKER_04 36:36

Um, but yeah, number one, I don't think a lot of people know that it's extremely expensive. The estate plan. Yeah. Yeah. It's very expensive. Do you have $10,000? Legal fees. Yeah. Yeah. Starting. And that's just getting started. Right. Starting base. And then yeah, um, we what we did was we created a will and trust. And you can have a revocable trust or an irrevocable trust. Um, we went with a revocable trust, which allowed us to make changes throughout our life. Um, if you want to make changes, that costs money too. So like all this this process.

SPEAKER_03 37:13

Is this like a one-time fee, or do you I know you have to contribute to the trust, but is like the establishment of it one time, or is there like a yearly trust payment?

SPEAKER_04 37:22

So you would you would pay the lawyer to like meet and maintain slash ask any questions, update it as you know, we know what the political climate is right now. That those certain laws that they can put into effect can greatly affect your trust. Um, just money management in general, it can change based on some laws that can be passed. So those are things that you have to discuss with your lawyer every you know year or so.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

So for me, I went through my brokerage house, right? Okay. And so I could pay, I could have paid an attorney to do it, or once I make this a sizable investment in my brokerage. I mean, yes, in my brokerage house, they'll start asking the questions. How do you want this set up? How do you want that set up? How do you want who gets what? Yes and what percentage is this, da da da da. And so, and then anything that was above and beyond what she was able to do, she would outsource or tell me where to get the information done. So while I didn't pay a flat fee for an attorney, I certainly invested X amount of money to be able to have that. A brokerage house that did that for me.

SPEAKER_04 38:23

Yes. It's so I think, like you said, generational wealth is just this buzzword. You think like, oh, I pass away with a certain amount of money in my bank bank account, and that just goes to my child. Not necessarily. Like it could be going through the court if you don't probate. Exactly. If you don't have something proper in place, like a a will or a trust, a trust we felt like was our safest route because it it protects you from taxes, it protects you from probate, and then it kind of allows you to put these certain stipulations in place for your children to even get that money.

SPEAKER_01 38:56

Correct.

SPEAKER_04 38:56

So some things that we put in place, this this is Kunlay. This is if this doesn't get you into his mindset, I don't know what will, but they have to have a 700 credit score to be able to access their trust. Period. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

I feel I'm scared.

SPEAKER_04 39:11

They have to have um they they get money divvied out at at certain ages. So at one age they have to have two years of a criminal free history. Um, the next one is five years of a criminal free history. They also have to have mental well-being checks. We both have some mental health issues that run in our family.

SPEAKER_00 39:30

I didn't know that was one of them. Okay, so you know what? Because now that to that degree and level, that that's that's very interesting and very good. Because, like, come on, so when I'm talking to my financial advisor, you know, they're like, How long are you gonna pay Kamari? I'm like, uh nepotism until like I'm like, she gets her living inheritance on earth. You know what I mean? And then she'll get the rest when I pass on, you know, and it's and it's divided out, but like whatever portion I've left for my niece isn't necessarily for her. It's for her children. Yes. So they can access it when they're you know, she's probably like, what? I don't get it. Uh no, no.

SPEAKER_04 40:08

Yeah, that was something else, like, given that we have twins, like, are their funds divided equally? Like, maybe one has another sport that the that costs more money, or um maybe one doesn't decide to go to college. Like some of those.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

Oh, that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_04 40:23

It was a tough one. I think that and how was that work?

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Is it a sliding scale, or what's deter determinated?

SPEAKER_04 40:29

At six, from given worst case scenario, if something happened to Kune and I, or me or him, starting from whatever age that happens to the age of 16, the money is divided. They whatever their needs are. 50-50. It's not 50-50. If one needs braces and one doesn't, one doesn't get just an extra 3,000 in their account because somebody else got braces. But at the age of 16, it is divided into two equal pots. So now whatever's left would be divided equally. They can petition to pull from the pot as needed. They can petition to pull from the pot as needed, but like it has to be um approved by one of the trustees. And then, yeah, it has to like make logical sense. There's also special money put aside for college, like other needs outside of like what they might put together.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

Because, okay, so let's pretend I'm ace and now I'm 19, and I've decided, mom, I don't want to go to a four-year university. I want to do two years technical college and I want to launch this business. Here's my business plan. I truly believe it could be the future Apple.

SPEAKER_04 41:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:31

And I'm Mav and I'm going to Harvard and I'm 100K a year.

SPEAKER_04 41:34

Yeah. I mean, you have what's in your pot, and then I'm I'm I mean, I think with the way the world is changing, I'm not necessarily a proponent that they have to do four years of of a traditional college. I want them to do what their interests are, what's you know gonna make them the most money, and like what makes sense for who they are as individuals. So yeah, if Maverick wants to go to Harvard and that makes sense, yeah, you could pull from your pot until your pot is empty, but that doesn't mean Ace's pot gets any less because you chose to go that route. Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

And then that's a whole nother conversation about college. We'll come back, we'll circle back to that in another podcast.

SPEAKER_04 42:10

But yeah. Yes, yes. But then, yeah, then we talked about like uh some families decide to divvy up stuff per capita, which means just like per person in your family, or what we chose was persurpes, which keeps the money in our family. So if worst case scenario something happened to me and like when they got remarried, that person is not gonna have full access to the trust.

SPEAKER_00 42:32

Okay, so let me just say the in a nutshell, like you're probably like, oh, this is a whole bunch of technical information, but this is really the type of planning we should be doing for generations, for our children, for longevity, for generational wealth, for changing what the narrative looks like, because without these things, we're just, you know, yeah. Each level, each generation is just hustling.

SPEAKER_04 42:59

And you could think about like as far back as kings and queens, like they would do these arranged marriages or have these, you know, very specific rules as to marriage because they wanted to keep the money in the family.

SPEAKER_00 43:12

And they would have dowries, they would have something to put to the family, you know. And when a lot of wedding gifts from other generations or other people are like, oh, I'll give you a hundred thousand for your house to start you off. Yes, you know, what a luxury to be able to do that. Yes, you know what, and so when you plan, you know, you know, how how can I plan on my $15 an hour? Start somewhere, at least have a mindset of planning. On my Uber ride here, right? The lady was like, Oh, those are very nice. You know, where you live, how much is that? And I was like, Excuse me? You know, and she was like, cheaper than New York, because I just moved to New Jersey. And so now we're talking about money. And she was like, Oh, you're really blessed. And I was like, I'm blessed, I work hard, I plan, you know, like things. Yeah, I think that.

SPEAKER_04 44:01

Black people in general, we have been talk about disenfranchised for a really long time. And we can't just use buzzwords and depend on buzzwords, or even if we're making more money now, to your point, we have to have this knowledge. A plan. So even if Kulain and I right now aren't the richest people that will ever be in our family line, at least we're giving them a nest egg to start their life.

SPEAKER_03 44:30

Because what's the point of working this hard for your children to start at zero? They should always be able to use what came before them, even if it's knowledge. And I mean, in this case, luckily it's knowledge, resources, and money. But yeah, you guys are making sure that those protections are put in place, which is something I think that black families we should be looking to doing more of for our future generations. And even me, someone who's not sure that I'll have kids, I think about my business that way too. Like, what can I leave to make sure that someone who comes after me can use the things that I've gained for their benefit?

SPEAKER_04 45:07

And as you always say, like this is an unselfish show. Like, we want the people that look like us, the women out there that are choosing to have families or choosing to have businesses. It doesn't have to be a will and trust, like maybe you're putting your business in an LLC, like whatever that means, but like do it by means that gives you protection and leave something down the line. It could be for one of your nieces. Like, hey, I had a godfather, his aunt left him stocked and bonds. This is a long time ago, but you know, it it set him up to be really successful, and that was his aunt. So, like, it doesn't have to be your direct child or you know, um, a like it could just be a descendant, someone in your family, you don't know how they would benefit just by you taking the time to set up and I just love the progression too, because ever since I saw you and Kunlay with that whiteboard, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:58

When Ariel got pregnant, Kunlay would roll a whiteboard out into the middle of the living room every morning.

SPEAKER_02 46:04

He really would.

SPEAKER_03 46:04

Um, and write down everybody's duties for the day. So, this to me is just the most natural progression. To me, this is just the most natural progression of them as a couple, like where they're going, how they're protecting all that they've worked for. Um, and one thing I just want to ask you is now that you have gone through this process, what very real things does this mean for your marriage now that the marriage is kind of running for a bit as a business in some ways?

SPEAKER_04 46:30

Okay, yes. I want to point out that when we have the decision to go this route and bring our estates together, there's a level of us that realize we have to stay together for this to be generational wealth. And our relationship, of course, is healthy, it's strong, we love each other, all that's taken care of. But like bringing our real finances and tangible items into it to have something to give to our children, we do have to stay together. And that's not always easy. And I and I know either of one of us are not gonna do it for the wrong reasons, but like that was the benefit of of dating him and being with him for six years. Like, I knew this was someone that I could build with and and build that empire, you know.

SPEAKER_00 47:20

You know what? And yeah, kudos. Because empire building, even if I'm frustrated with you or you, right? The the beauty of it is we're doing something intentional.

SPEAKER_04 47:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 47:35

About this money, with this money, for this money, for to turn over for what you needed to happen to have happen in your life, what you need to have happen in your life, what I need to have happen in my life. Yeah. And so what's the saying? If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

SPEAKER_02 47:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:54

Yeah. And I think it just like it also feels good to know that outside of our love, outside of how we may feel today or tomorrow, we both have this understanding of this is this is bigger than us. Yes. That that that will, because I don't know about you, but nothing will help me fix my attitude than remembering there's money on the line. You know what? Why are we even arguing about this? There's money on the line. There's money on the line. Ain't no sense of arguing. Let's just get this money and not even my money, my baby's money. Right, right, right, right. That's and play by my babies. And don't. Period. So, as a woman who's been down the aisle twice, a very young, stylish, beautiful woman, give the girls a word of advice before we hang up caller. All right.

SPEAKER_04 48:44

Um, if you're unsure about that man, do not have the baby.

SPEAKER_00 48:48

Did you hear her?

SPEAKER_03 48:51

That baby will not solve the issues.

SPEAKER_00 48:53

Okay, all right. Do not have the baby. It'll make the issues worse and more expensive.

SPEAKER_04 48:58

Yep. Yeah. And we know it's a luxury. It could be a luxury to be a single mother. It could be. But don't do it. If you unsure, don't do it. Um, I would say number two, continue to be an individual. You know, being a couple does not mean losing your individuality. Do the things that you've always aspired to do. Keep taking classes, keep learning, and lastly, keep your friends.

SPEAKER_00 49:22

Keep your friends, your mirrors. Your mirrors. Truly. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, that was this episode of Between Mothers and Daughters. You can find us where, Kamaria?

SPEAKER_03 49:32

Apple Music, Spotify, Amazon, and of course, right here on YouTube. Thank you all for being here for subscribing. Thank you, Ariel, for coming back for part two. I hope that you guys feel like you learned something from my bestie because I learned from her every single day.

SPEAKER_01 49:47

Right.

SPEAKER_03 49:48

Bye.