40ish & Figuring It Out

Midlife Isn’t An Ending, It’s Your Rewrite

• Katie Koelliker • Season 1 • Episode 2

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The house gets quieter, the calendar loosens, and suddenly there’s room to ask bigger questions: Who am I now, and what do I want next? In a warm, honest conversation with book editor and newly published author Jennia D'Lima, we trace the emotional edges of a child leaving for college—those “firsts from afar” that sting and swell with pride at the same time—while finding the courage to write a new chapter of our own.

Jennia shares how she moved from shaping other people’s stories to putting her name on the cover, launching her children’s picture book, Sunny and the Round Things. We dig into the real steps behind a midlife creative pivot: setting tiny weekly goals, walking into local bookstores to pitch, and letting momentum build one conversation at a time. Along the way, we talk about modeling ambition for our kids, inviting them into the creative process, and celebrating the unexpected proof that they’re thriving on their own—clean apartments, adventurous cooking, and thoughtful choices.

We also get practical about adult friendship. Without school hallways and sidelines, connection can feel scarce, so we unpack low-pressure ways to meet people: apps like Bumble BFF, niche Facebook groups, bookstore events, hikes, and hobbies that create natural conversation. If you’re introverted, bring an extrovert wing-friend, or open with a specific compliment and a small follow-up—memes, links, or local invites that keep the door open. The throughline is flexibility and trust: letting traditions evolve, releasing old expectations, and choosing what truly fits, from daily routines to the proverbial pair of pants.

If this resonated, follow 40-ish and Figuring It Out, share it with a friend in her own season of rediscovery, and leave a quick review to help more women find the show. Your next chapter is waiting—let’s write it together.

Follow Jennia @jenniaahava and www.jenniaedits.com

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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to 40 Itch and Figuring It Out. I'm your host, Katie Koelliker. Today's guest is proof that midlife isn't an ending, it's a rewrite. Jennia DeLima is a book editor, mom of two, and someone who's learning to navigate all the emotional edits that come with kids growing up and leaving home. With one child in high school and another just off to college, Jenny has been in that in-between space, rediscovering who she is beyond motherhood, reconnecting with her own dreams, and figuring out how to build new friendships as an adult. We're diving into identity, connection, and what it really looks like to start chasing your own story again, even when you thought the book was already written. So, Jennia, let's start with the season that you're in. You've got one kid in high school and the other just left for college over the summer. How, what has that transition been like for you?

Speaker:

At first it was really, really hard, especially when my older daughter, who's no longer home, would have all these first, like the first time she wanted to make a meal and she didn't know how to do it, and I wasn't there to just take her to the store or hand her whatever that item was. And then the first time she got sick was also extremely difficult because obviously I'm used to sitting there and taking care of her, and then not being able to do that from afar was just like this emotional weight and all this guilt, even though I knew that this is a normal part of life, but at the same time it's just adjusting to what's different, not that it's a bad difference in some ways, but just recognizing this is different and that's okay, and this is what it is now, like it being a lot quieter, for instance, with only one kid at home.

Speaker 1:

And how far away is she from you? Like, I I know we usually gauge things like in hours. Is she out of state? Is she in state? So what does that look like for you?

Speaker:

She's out of state. So she's about a two-hour drive each way, but it can be a lot worse since she's in a big city.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, that's definitely something that a lot of parents can relate to. And, you know, some kids who are like, I want to go across country and be way far away, you know, obviously that's really hard on the parents. Um, so what has surprised you most about this stage of motherhood so far?

Speaker:

Well, I think that I was anticipating a lot of almost grief surrounding it, such as all those regrets you might have about things you wanted to do with your kids and you didn't before they moved out of the house. But I think I was a lot more accepting of it than I realized I would be or thought that I would be. And I think that's almost because I did have a lot of those feelings of preparing myself for feeling a certain way. And so it was almost like I built up some, I don't want to say resistance to it, but I built up this feeling of here's what it's going to be like, and here's how I'm going to make sure that this is an easy transition for all of us, not just for them, but for myself as well. And recognizing those things that maybe aren't going to happen now and that being okay, or talking to friends who would say, you could still take them here and do this and this with them. It just might look different because now it'll be like this instead of like this. And realizing that it's not as if all those things I want to do with them are no longer possible. I just need to be flexible with how I imagine them turning out.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Um, we put, I guess you could say, unrealistic expectations on what motherhood should look like, the checklist that we should have accomplished by the time you know our kids turn 18 or something like that. And sometimes we obviously deviate from what we thought was supposed to happen to accommodate what's actually happening right now, whether that's you know, I don't know, it could be any number of things. Um, you know, the kids get into so many activities, especially as teenagers, they're like, I don't want to go with you. The holidays are coming up when we're recording this, and over Thanksgiving, my family usually goes out of town for soccer. Uh, it's something I've done since I've I was a kid and played, and so it's kind of a tradition that I'm used to over Thanksgiving, which is kind of nice and kind of not. Right. Um, but my older sons, now that they're teenagers, are kind of like, well, we don't want to go anymore because they don't want to travel in a car with their younger sisters for long periods of time, and so they usually stay with a grandparent and just hang out for several days, and so that's what they're used to doing, it's what they like to do, and sometimes I'm like, Oh, but I kind of miss it, but you know, so exactly.

Speaker:

But I also try and look at it from each of their perspectives and what's important to them right now because it also dawned on me that some of these things on my part are selfish, because just because I want it to be a certain way or I want us to do this, who am I really serving then? If neither one of them is really enjoying it or they've aged out of it, and I'm still pressing them to go and do it anyway, and the sake of tradition, I'm not really making it a family bonding moment now because they don't really want to be there. It doesn't mean we can't do anything, it just means finding something that's pleasurable for all of us.

Speaker 1:

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And my older son, who is actually like our because he was with us when, you know, he's firstborn. So when we would travel for things, he would come with us, obviously. So he got really accustomed to traveling all the time, and so I thought it was kind of weird that when he was like, Yeah, I don't want to go, but it's just because they cramp his travel style. So when he goes, so a couple weekends ago, my husband and my other son had to go out of town, and he accompanied and my older son accompanied them, um, even though he didn't need to go, he still went with them to the tournament or whatever it was because he was like, This is something that I can do and I can manage and I want to, you know, go experience it again. And and so he was able to still go and do his own thing because he didn't want to be home with the girls, I guess.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So what's something you wish someone had told you about this stage before you got here?

Speaker:

Ooh, well, so I had heard a lot of it about how hard it was was going to be, and also just that adjustment period to having only one child in the house. But I don't think that they really told me how much again those small firsts were going to really hit because obviously her absence here every day took some adjusting to, and there were a few nights where I was incredibly sad and I missed her. But again, just those little things like getting groceries and not picking stuff up for her. And so you are grieving in a way, but you're also so happy for them and excited to see what they're going to do, and that mix of emotions sometimes can be complicated, and then you have to sort through them. Okay, I feel this way and this way, and it feels like they're conflicting, but they're really not. It's just this layering of things, you know, again, your perspective versus their perspective, your love for them, but also your desire to still have them close to you.

Speaker 1:

And I think the other thing that we don't give ourselves sometimes is I guess a pat on the back or being proud of the fact that we've raised those kids and they're able to go off on their own. Yes. Um, we don't really give ourselves that, yay, you did it, you raised a human and they're trying to be out on their own type of a thing. And so it's something that I think a lot of us, and I'm not at that stage yet, but I have some friends that are hitting that stage and listening to other people that have been through it is you know, celebrating the fact that you've raised a person that's gonna be able to be sufficient and on their own in their own area, and I know like as as the youngest in my family, I felt like it was some of the time I felt like I raised myself a little bit, I was left on my own a lot. Um, but so I felt like when I became an adult, I was like, Yeah, I've already been doing all this stuff for a really long time, so I you know it was easy, but every family is different and every dynamic is different, every person is different. So sometimes some people need that little extra help. Like my oldest son, I feel like he's ready to go off to college right now, he's only 15, but he's very organized, he's self-sufficient, he wants to learn how to do certain things. Obviously, he can't drive yet. Um, he's learning, and then my other son, I'm like, oh my gosh, that kid is not gonna be able to support himself or do anything if he can't like play video games or play professional sports or something like that. Like, what is he gonna do with his life? I don't know. I mean, he's very talented, but he's kind of all over the place, and so he's the kid that you have to remind get your stuff, get your stuff. Do you have everything? And so for me, I'm like, oh my gosh, he's gonna be an adult in like five years. Is he gonna be able to manage it and take care of himself? So that's something that I I think about.

Speaker:

No, I had some of those fears too, but then she's gone so far above and beyond what I even knew she was already doing and what she was like. So she has her own place and it's spotless all the time. I mean, you can drop in on her unannounced, and the place is immaculate, bedmade, everything, every day. Nice, which is not really how it was at home. And then her cooking has really branched out, and she's sending me pictures about does this pasta look good to you? And everything looks like it just came from some Martha Stewart magazine.

Speaker 1:

You want to do like a reverse image search and just make sure she didn't pull it off of like Google or something?

Speaker:

Yeah, I actually do know it's hers because just as a funny little thing, I have this particular set of coasters I really like. They're very unique. And when she was taking pictures of one of her dinners that she'd made one day, I saw the coasters sitting on her counter and I thought, oh really?

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker:

Didn't say she was taking them, but yeah.

Speaker 1:

That's funny. At least she thought about having coasters because you know, most kids are not considerate if they're gonna, you know, just stick a drink. I know my kids will just stick a drink on like a wooden table, and I'm like, oh my gosh, holy cow. Okay, so as a book editor, you spent years helping other people tell their stories, but now you're focusing more on your own dreams. What has inspired that shift?

Speaker:

Well, I wouldn't say that I'm focusing more, it's just something that I've started branching out and doing. And so I've done some ghostwriting and that sort of thing, and I thought, I have all these ideas and I'm passionate about them, so why am I not doing anything with them? And that's just really struck me over the last year, especially because my well, especially my mom is getting older. And I thought I'd really like her to see something I've written that has my name on it, especially because which I know I just use especially like a million times in a row, but when I was younger, she would always say, I can't wait to see something you've written published someday. And I've had things like poetry and lots and lots of newspaper articles, academic journal articles, that sort of thing, but nothing quote unquote fun. And so again, it just became how much time do I have left, but also how much time does my mom have left where she's going to still be around to see these accomplishments? And if I keep waiting, then she won't, and that mattered to me. So I pushed myself to just do it, and I did. And then as of this morning, the book is number five in one of its categories on Amazon, so that makes me doubly glad that I did. It shows it's more than just a passion project that no one else is benefiting from, which is always a nice surprise.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and what's the name of the book and what's the genre?

Speaker:

It's a children's picture book, it's called Sunny and the Round Things. It's based off my own rescue dog who has gained a lot of weight since his adoption. So every time I would share a photo with him or of him with my best friend, she would just write round, all in caps. And I had this idea about well, what if Sonny became jealous because his mom was bringing in other round things to redecorate and he worried that he wasn't going to be her favorite round thing anymore. So it's about reassurance and self-acceptance and then unconditional love of family.

Speaker 1:

Nice. Awesome. And I will link that in the show notes so that people can find that on Amazon. Um, I know there's a lot of people listening who might have either grandkids or their own kids that are younger ages that would enjoy something like that. I mean, my I don't know, my own girls, even though they're 10, they love any kind of book, whether it's a chapter book or a picture book, they're all about it.

Speaker:

Yeah, my 14-year-old just picked a picture up picture book up this weekend. It's some uh like Japanese folk tale but told as a picture book, and it has these gorgeous illustrations and the brush strokes with some of the writing and everything, and so even though it's marketed toward younger children, she was looking at it from a different viewpoint of appreciating the art and more more looking at the beauty of each line and the language and how it's used, just rather than the simplicity of the story itself. But yeah, it goes back to that whole thing, you don't have to be a child to appreciate a picture book.

Speaker 1:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, my dad wrote, he would tell us the story of Goldilocks and the three wicked pigs. Um, and so he turned it into a children's book. Oh cute. Uh I don't I can't remember how long ago, and uh he just self-published it, and then he's he's always been a writer, he's always journaling, and in the last few years he finally started writing his novels that he wanted to write, and so he's already published two. I think he's working on the third one right now. He had one released on he got it into an audiobook, so that's been really cool to be able to see that. And I over the summer I had like this uh creative bug that was like flowing with me. I wanted to redirect my podcast and podcasts, I guess. I don't know, start a new one, tamp down my old one, and then um I had an idea for like a book, and so I also was kind of dabbling in writing and things, and it's way more overwhelming if you're not used to writing consistently. Like, like I said, my dad's always been journaling and writing things, and for me, I see things in my head and I'm like, oh, that would be a really cool story or movie or something like that, and so I want to write it down, and then I get to like the computer, and I'm like, I don't know how to put the words in my head on paper, and my dad's like, you just need to write what you're thinking about, and then turn it into a story. So that's been kind of fun to bond over, similar to how you've wanted to publish something for your mom as well. Um, that's that's something that you guys can kind of bond over and that she can see that as well.

Speaker 3:

Yep.

Speaker 1:

So, did you ever feel like motherhood or routine pushed your personal goals to the back burner?

Speaker:

More when they were younger, yes. And so I go back and I I think and I did enjoy it. I loved it so much. I think about the difference of what my life looked like then versus now. So I was the room mom, I volunteered in the school library, I volunteered in the school bookstore, I even helped teach an art class for third graders. Uh I was on every single field trip. I mean, I was just there all the time, and then all the after school stuff, and then baking for this thing, or making dinner for this thing, or let's do a craft project for this, or even having play dates and then hosting other kids and being the emergency contact for someone's someone else's child and all those things. Whereas now, especially since they're older and they're independent, and with the older one not needing help even for transportation for the last while, it's given me more time to really focus inward and go back to okay, but what do I want to do besides just nurture and then cultivate whoever they are going to be as people and help cultivate their interests? So I gotta go back a little bit more. It's sort of like being a teenager again in some ways, before you have all the responsibilities of adulthood heaped onto you. Because for the most part, now during the day, it's just me and the dogs, and so I do work. But even though my older daughter didn't need all that one-on-one assistance or help, you still have a person that you are going to and asking, Do you need anything from this or do you need help with this? Or something happens in their personal life and it's a little more I don't want to say demanding, so that's not quite the right right word. It sounds like you don't want them to do it when you say that, but I guess demanding of your time and attention when it's in person versus they call you for half an hour before they have to go off to their next thing.

unknown:

Yeah.

Speaker:

And so it's even just those little pockets of time that maybe were taken up by other things throughout the day are now available to me. So it's made it easier to switch over and do some of these things for myself too.

Speaker 1:

And I think it's important for our kids to be able to see that we still have interests and goals and things that we like to do. I know uh, like just with having the podcast that I've done, the kids are like, oh, you're doing an interview, and they know that it's important to me and that I'm I have something of my own and that they can have something of their own, whatever it is, so that way they have something to focus on as well. That it's not just me always like I I mean, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, like if all you're doing is focusing on your kids, but it's also showing them that you can still have creative outlets or whatever it may be. My dad was a beautiful artist, I remember growing up, and he would go out on the weekends when he had free time, and he would go before our area was super incorporated and built out and and houses added, he would paint beautiful landscapes in chalk or different different mediums that he would use. And so those are things that I remember he was always kind of a creative like that, and so it it was something that I've wanted to try and make sure that my kids can see as well, so that way they know that these are different avenues and interests that they can also focus on um as they're turning into adults.

Speaker:

Yeah, see, I grew up with that too. So my mom was a dance teacher, but she taught it at home, so we converted our garage into a dance studio. And so from the whole time when I was growing up, she never didn't do it. And it was just one of those things that I just accepted, you know, my mom is there. I know I can go to my mom whenever I need her. And it never felt like she wasn't available in some way, but also I was a part of getting to help with all that creativity. So, you know, she would have me film her doing dance moves or choreographing something. I would help with dance costumes, we'd go through through the catalogs and stuff together and pick things out. She'd have me listen to music and things with her. So because it was that collaboration and it felt like this special thing I gotta do with her, I felt like it brought us closer together too, because it gave us something shared instead of it being this is my thing as an adult, this is your thing as a child, and that I felt like this trusted companion who gotta come in and give my input or it help her in some way that she couldn't have done this on her own. You know, she can't dance and record herself, for instance. And so I felt like my part was necessary, not like you get a hold of the spoon while I'm actually doing the baking sort of thing.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I get that. Uh my my mother-in-law, like at least going with the baking thing, like she has started to one of the things that they love to do, the grandkids, whether it's my kids or their cousins, when they go over there, they like to bake things, they like to make cookies with grandma, and so she lets them, you know, put the ingredients in and things like that. Whereas when I would, I mean, I don't bake at home really that much, but if I were to do it at home, I'd be doing it all myself. Um, but she's you know, she's letting them learn and trusting them and helping them, and I'm just like, yeah, see, I wouldn't be able to do that, and so that's a fun bond that they can have with their grandma, being able to learn how to crack an egg or you know, measure measure certain things, and so that's always a fun opportunity to bond over that. So I love that you were able to get that with your mom and have that shared experience with her.

Speaker:

Yeah, and I do it with the girls too. So when I have, for instance, new sketches come in from because I have two more books that are being finished right now, and so I'll share stuff with them, or I'll say, What do you think of this? or what color do you think we should have for this title? I can't pick between this and this one. What do you think? And I do value their input and they're both extremely creative. So I know a little time they're probably going to have a better idea than I'm going to have, which is exactly why I ask them. But I mean, I want them to feel part of it. I want them to know that I cherish whatever insight they want to give me and that their opinions are important to me. And I think that too, it's just this is something mom does, but it's not something I'm doing in isolation.

Speaker 1:

That's awesome that you're able to include their input. And again, like you with your mom, they're gonna be able to say, Hey, see this book, I helped approve, you know, stuff and this, you know, baby build up the school. Yeah. One of the most relatable things you mentioned is how hard it can be, and this was mentioned to me previously, um, is how hard it is to make friends at this space, at this stage, especially after years of being part of your school community. Can you talk about that?

Speaker:

Yes. So it felt like I easily made friends or found people to hang out with when I was so involved in their school, but when they get older, you don't really need to have all those hands-on activities. You don't have parents in the classrooms. And then we also switched schools, which made it harder too, because now the people I knew here are no longer at this school and I'm not seeing them as often. And also I'm now no longer going to the classroom or going to the library or what have you. And I had read an article a few years ago about trying bumble BFF. And I thought, well, we'll see, because I live in such a small area. But I did make a friend on there who I'm still extremely close now, and I've made a few more friends that way, but also just with work events, instead of sticking up my table or going back to my room after I've done a panel to work, I forced myself to hang out and talk to people. And I wouldn't call it networking because networking sounds a little smarmy when used in that capacity, but it really is just about going up to someone and saying, I love what you've done with your table over here, or can you tell me about this, or where did you get this shirt? And then it's so easy most of the time to just naturally have a conversation after that. And so some of these people, too, I've become incredibly close to just from some random meeting at something I had to attend anyway.

Speaker 1:

It's definitely hard to make those friendships as an adult. And especially like in my areas where I spend a lot of time, the office that I work at, like I I have friends from my old offices where I used to work, but uh this office that I work at right now, it's well, it's not even office, it's a workshop, it's a machine shop, and so I I do like help do accounting payables and different things. And the I am the only female in office, and so it's not like there's other women there for me to hang out with, and so and it it's just an awkward situation. So I go, and my cousins work there, it's a family-owned business, and so I'll talk to my cousins and see my family, and we'll talk about family stuff, but it's it's a difficult place for me to make friends with, obviously. Uh, and then myself and my husband are both soccer coaches, and so sometimes we're a little bit guarded when we're coaching and people are wanting to become friends with us or chat with us or whatever, because unfortunately, in our line of work, you don't know if people have ulterior motives, and that they think that they think that if you guys become friends or your kids are friends and hang out, that you'll get special treatment, like your player will get more minutes, or they'll get to play the and neither one of us coach that way, like we don't care. Will you do what's best for the whole entire team because we're coach of the whole team, we're not just the coach of one person, and so we you know, we are very unfortunately weary about that kind of stuff, and we can tell the ones that are genuine and and have good intentions and things like that, but we also don't want to have that even that uh what what's the word I'm trying to think of? Um we don't want people, other people if they're looking at the relationship, like the friendship, taking it the wrong way. I'm trying to think of I can't think of the word. Um, but anyway, so we don't want other people to think that, you know, well, they spend all this time together, so that's why they're kids on the team, or that's why this, that, or the other, or something like that. And it's like, well, actually, it could just be that they're a very nice person and that they live near us, or we have a shared common background from some reason, because I've had some former soccer players that I played with whose kids, you know, played with me, and so we kind of already had a built-in pre-connection from that, and so that that situation becomes very hard hard for us. Um, but I do have like my daughters, some of their friends, parents that are of similar age or or whatever, and so we'll we'll chat a little bit. Um, we I saw one the other day, we just happened to be on fall break, and we went to the girls wanted to go play on the playground at McDonald's, and so we went over there, you know, and it was Monopoly going on, and so we went over there, and one of their friends happened to be there at the same time, and so um when I was there, I chatted with her a little bit, and you know, it is awkward sometimes because you're like, I don't know if this person wants to be friends or not. It's not like you can pass them a note like back in the day and be like, Hey, do you want to be friends? So I guess I guess like the app is kind of that for you. It's kind of that, yeah, let's try and be friends, let's see how that that works. And that's right.

Speaker:

Because you know that they also are looking forward, otherwise they wouldn't be using the app.

Speaker 1:

Mm-hmm. Exactly. So that's that's kind of interesting. What advice would you give to someone who's feeling lonely or disconnected in this phase of life?

Speaker:

Oh man, so I still feel lonely sometimes, even with friends, but it's just partially being telling yourself to reach out to people, even if you don't feel comfortable doing it, even if you're afraid of the reaction. Because I've messaged so many people where we connected somewhere and I had those same thoughts. Do they really want to hang out with me? Do they really actually enjoy meeting me? Is this really going to last beyond whatever event or something that we met each other at? And for the most part, they do want to still communicate and hang out. And so I think a lot of us are in that same headspace or that same part of life and we just aren't sharing it. And so when you do find someone, even if it's just something small, like sending a meme that you know they'll enjoy, or a recipe that reminds you of something they said they really liked eating, or an event that popped up on your calendar, and you think, oh, so-and-so would enjoy this too. And so sometimes it's just that small little entrance where then it sparks a conversation from there, and that makes it easier to have, okay, you already have something shared now, you can talk about, so you're not floundering around trying to grab on to something. And I think too, as soon as we see someone is interested in the same thing we're interested in, that just makes it all come together a lot more smoothly.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. And I remember thinking even as a kid, like with my neighbor across the street, I remember we had moved from one neighborhood to another, and I had so many friends in my old neighborhood, and I was seven, and we moved to this new neighborhood, and the kids were a little bit more spread apart, but because I like right next door was one of my best friends in my old neighborhood, and there was a girl across the street who was like a year or two older than me, but and then she had a younger sister that was younger than me, I believe, and I would feel weird. I would be like, Oh, I don't know, you know, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to bother her, I don't want to go knock on her door and see if she wants to play or whatever. And I remember having those feelings as a kid, and so for some people, those those things don't ever go away, like you you've always felt that way, or maybe it's a new feeling that you maybe didn't feel as a kid, because like right now, my kids, my daughters at least, they will go to a playground and they will have like five friends by the time they leave, and they will be like, Hey, so and so wants to hang out, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, we don't even who is that? Like, is that you know and which is great because I love that they're social and they like to include people and they're always so happy and they love meeting new people and it's great, like I love it, and I hope that never goes away or leads them astray in any way. And but I'm like, oh, I wish that I was a little bit more that way as an adult and being open to friendships. You know what I mean? So it it's definitely, definitely hard. And I get that. Yeah.

Speaker:

And I'll also say if you are introverted because I typically am or at least when I first meet people, get a friend who is not an introvert. And so I will sometimes go with her to new places or especially where we're going to meet a lot of new people because she will start the conversations and I don't even have to do any of that part. And I can just be there and then gradually enter the conversation and meet people that way too because sometimes it's just the nerves of approaching someone and seeing if they actually want to talk or not and that risk of well are they going to just answer with one line and then walk away or will this conversation continue? But then you don't have it so much because you feel like you already have like your friend wingman almost.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. I remember I my kids because when I had five kids in five years so I was boggled town with tiny children for a very long time. And I wanted to have an outlet and I'm typically a pretty social person and so I wanted to join like a girls group and in our area and I don't know about other places there's this game called Bunko that a lot of women play and anyway so for those of you that don't know what Bunko is Google it. It's a dice game you play with typically 12 people and so my mom grew up well when I was growing up my mom every first Thursday night of the month she would go to her Bunko group and that was her thing and I remember her doing that. And so when I got older I was like after my kids were growing up I was like I want to see if there's a group that I can join or start or whatever. I tried to start a group there wasn't really a lot like because I live in a big planned community and so we have a huge Facebook group with like thousands of people in it. And so I was like hey does anybody want to start one or does anybody already have one and there was a group that needed a player or one or two players because they had people that had left so I decided to join this group not knowing one person in the group but I was like I want to be open to meeting other people and so I've made some really great friendships from that from the time that I was in that group which was which was so fun. And it was really funny because I remember a lot of the people that I met for the first time they were like you're pretty shy or like you don't talk much and I was like once you get me started talking I will not stop. So sometimes I especially when I meet people for the first time I try not to talk as much because I don't want to dominate the conversation and I don't want to like turn people off from me because I won't shut up basically which I don't think there's a problem because you know they might be introverts and they might be you know looking for somebody to start a conversation and so you can tell uh in the Bunko group that I was in like who is an introvert and who is an extrovert or whatever because certain people would end up at a table together and then like sometimes nobody would be saying anything. And then other times you'd come have somebody come back to a table and they'd be like in the middle of a conversation that you were having like the last and so they'd keep talking and things and so it was really fun. It's kind of like I want to say it's like speed dating while you're playing a game but you're spread friendship dating I guess. I don't know. And so that's kind of fun because you get to have all these different conversations with all these different people over you know like a two hour period.

Speaker 3:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And and so it's fun. Um but yeah so I I think that other other than like apps like I've seen tons of people I know it might sound super old but Facebook groups are a great way for people to connect and so like I said our neighborhood has a huge group but it also has a bunch of subgroups. So like if you have certain interests like there's tons of different groups in our area for like there's a wine group there's a um I think a salsa dancing class there's um anyway I I can't even think of all there's a gardening group there's like uh empty nesters that do like quilting sometimes um sometimes it's older couples and younger couples who are all empty nests empty nesters and they all get together the couples and they do like um dinners together because their kids are all grown and out of the house and so they uh kind of all get together and do something together once a month or once a quarter I don't know and so there's all these different subgroups that have come out because people are interested there was a Pokemon group when Pokemon was super super hot the app there there's tons of walking groups because we have a where I live it's called Daybreak. I don't know there was an article a couple years ago after Barbie came out part of our neighborhood I think was featured in People magazine maybe because what a bunch of the neighbors went together and created like a Barbie way type of a thing and it was really cool. Super frustrating because people couldn't drive near Halloween Halloween Halloween is tomorrow when we're recording this just so you guys can get kind of um a general idea of of when this is um taking place. But anyway and so those subgroups are great ways for people to meet people so if you're a person listening and you're trying to find a way um to meet people get on Facebook and there are tons of groups like I've met so many people through podcast podcast groups that I've connected with over different things whether it was my soccer podcast or with this new podcast that I've started I've I've met and already connected with so many people just by those groups that are out there. When I I'm a twin mom and when I first started out there was a moms of multiples group that I was part of I think it really helped me out when I my kids were younger and they were babies and figuring it out and then it didn't serve me anymore because a lot of drama on there so I got out of it because I was like I don't really that's kind of a drag like just reading and listening to the stories and the drama of people that I don't know all over the country or world or whatever it was and so I was like yeah I don't really need to be in this group anymore but anyway so I'm glad that you were able to utilize technology and that helped you become friends because it's like where did people meet each other and become friends before technology like was it just you were friends with like I know my parents have been friends with people from high school basically their whole lives they still go on trips and do certain things um my mom is still really good friends with the people from her Bunko group that they I mean the Bunko group's still going strong I don't know 50 years later I have no idea maybe 30 years later um so I know that there a bunch of them are still all really good friends and so it's if people are trying to make friends utilize the technology because I know there's some people who don't really love the technology and things but it can be used for good and for things that you might be looking for.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So with your kids becoming more independent I know we've touched on it a little bit but how has your day-to-day energy shifted and what do you do with that time that you you use to go towards their schedules and activities?

Speaker:

Yeah so besides that I've been doing a lot more things with friends because that was something that I neglected for a long time and I realized just how much I enjoy it and I do invite my kids to go with me to some of these things. So it's not as if they're always being left out of whatever these events and outings are. But there are also things you want to talk about without your kids around or time for just you and your friend. So it's just looking up things like you know I've always wanted to go hiking here. Let's go or I always want to go to this restaurant that my kids would never eat at I'm just going to find someone I'm just gonna go and that's been really fulfilling for me. But I think it just also makes it easier to come back and then feel refreshed and re-energized for going about everything the next day with early wakeups and school drop off and homework and work it's just something about being with someone else who understands you in a different way than your family and then having all of that sort of energy restored before you return to you know daily life.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. And are there any routines or small joys that have become that have become a part of your daily routine now that weren't before it's pretty much the same.

Speaker:

So I wake up I play with the dogs cuddle them first thing in the morning then have but I do wake up early before everyone else does so I have that hour of quiet where it's just me and it's nothing else. And I think that really helps me instead of just immediately waking up and having to fling myself into mom mode and do you have this? Did you pack this? Do you know where your skirt is all those sorts of things. But yeah so my older daughter did usually wake up early too so it wasn't quite the same because even though she wasn't down here with me I would still hear her up and moving around and she might throw a question down my way or send me a text about do you know where this is or do we still have yogurt or whatever it was but now it feels much more uninterrupted.

Speaker 1:

So were there any I know you said like if you wanted to I think you said go on a hike or anything like that.

Speaker:

Are there any like activities that you've decided to make routine maybe not daily but maybe once a week or monthly something that you want to be able to do that maybe you didn't do before well not so much but also yes because now I'm focusing on the books that I'm writing and how am I going to get them out there and talking to people about them and doing what I can so they do succeed. And so I've made it sort of a goal for myself to every single week do something that helps promote them. And that usually means I need to go out and speak to someone at a physical location. So maybe it's a local store or a bookstore or an event coordinator. And that also would have been way outside of my comfort zone a few years ago. And I think it was it was a lot easier when I had the kids because they were with me all the time. So it's almost like a shield when you're an introvert and you're shy because they will often start conversations even when you are not comfortable starting one whether you want them to or not but also just that security of having another person with you. So it's made me have to push myself to be more I don't want to act like I was codependent upon my children but having to push myself to just say okay no if you really want to do this you're gonna go out and do it. And it has gotten a lot easier as I've continued doing that and now I look forward to going out and meeting people and it's exciting to go meet this person that I've been talking to over email for two weeks or whatever it is and then showing them my book in person or having them show me their store or talk about what their vision for their event or whatever it is.

Speaker 1:

And and I don't think that it's necessarily that um we really I I mean maybe we had a shield but I think it's also that when we have kids and we take them places we're obviously making sure that they're okay, that they're safe um you know there's a lot of different things that go on when you like I know I took my kids just to the grocery store last night and so it was like I was planning on going by myself and so I was in my mode where I was like hey I know exactly where everything is and I can be in and out in like two minutes. We were there for like 15 minutes um because I had my kids there and it just took way longer um and I was like oh my gosh I could have been home and already done with this by now and but you know having them be there and have that experience and so I think it's just the mental shift of you know I'm there with my kids and how can I serve my kids while we're here doing this thing versus I'm here by myself and now I need to advocate for myself for whatever it is that I'm I'm doing because maybe before it was you were being in protector mode and we don't have to be in protector mode when we're on our own and we're not protecting our children or or whatever that might be.

Speaker:

I mean again I don't really now that mine are older but it might be that I say okay yeah meet me back here in five minutes and then they're not back there in five minutes or they're not answering their phone because even though their phones are practically glued to their hands, they don't always answer text messages and that sort of thing in the way that I think that they should. So you still have that bit of worry or concern or even just okay well how are we going to now change the plans for the day since this is running 20 minutes over or you decided that you would like to go over here while we're in this area. Yeah or whatever it is. Right.

Speaker 1:

So it's not just focused on whatever your task or your goal is for that meeting or that grocery outing right yeah that takes adapting or you have to adapt to it too because you get so used to doing it and then it's just I think one time I was going to some post baccalaureate accounting classes when my youngest was maybe well she was a baby and I said something about like come on baby let's go and I realized oh right she's not with me I don't have a car seat I'm here by myself because you just become so used to always having another person with you but it then feels strange not to right yeah I I definitely can relate to that and I remember you know I I I was in car seat stage and booster seat stage for what felt like forever um and so you know checking in the back seat making sure nobody's still buckled in a car seat or things like that going in and out of the car a bunch of times to get kids out of their car seats and different things so it it's it was definitely a shift at that moment in my life going from that to not having any car seats and I look at the like we have old car seats in our garage and I'm just like oh we're never gonna need those again what do I do with those like you know there's kind of that sadness with it but also again there you know the the celebration of them growing up and being able to grow up and be you know bigger people um so if you think about the past couple of years and the changes the transitions and the quiet moments what's the biggest lesson this new chapter has taught you ooh well I've always known that you have to be flexible as a parent but I feel like that has been drummed into me even more recently so being flexible with college plans or how my child decides to live their life now that they're no longer at home and just knowing that you have to let go of so much and then it's healthy to let go. And then just trusting them too yeah it's definitely again I'm not at that stage yet but seeing the friends that are going through it and things it's it's definitely not easy and the trusting because you've been their protector and their guide for so long. So it's nice to know like you said when your daughter you know was cooking her first meals or she needed certain things and you weren't there but maybe she called you and was like how do I do this and so there's still that need whether it was like a FaceTime or Zoom or something like that if you're able to do it online or just the phone call or things like that. I know I call my mom all the time and I'm almost 40 and I'm like mom what do I do for this like you know and she'll come up with something or whatever and so yeah I'm 42 and I talk to my mom all every day.

Speaker:

And yes it so frequently will say does this sound okay or what do you think of this outfit put together or how do I do this or yes yeah yeah so it's definitely um different so how has your relationship with yourself evolved during this time right now? I think I have a better understanding of what I do and do not want in pretty much every facet of my life. So not just my creative goals but also it's making me think a little bit more about my career and planning for my future now that it feels like their futures are already becoming the present all those years I put into helping them with prepping for the SATs, going to a certain high school, academic planning which colleges are we going to go to college visits, that sort of thing but it's pushing my focus back over here toward okay what do I need to do though for my future and to be secure and not just secure financially but secure in who I am and in the relationships that I have and in just feeling like I'm at peace with my own life.

Speaker 1:

I love that. And how do you hope the next few years will look as you continue rewriting your story?

Speaker:

I hope that it continues to be more of the same of what I'm already doing right now, but maybe pushed up a little bit. So some of the things too that I'm still working on now I hope that they'll have come to fruition by then and it won't just be in that someday category still nice.

Speaker 1:

So Jennia uh in true 40ish in figuring it out fashion um my final question is what are you still figuring out?

Speaker:

I feel like I'm still figuring out how to find pants that fit properly which I know is not a serious matter at all and yet it is a serious matter.

Speaker 1:

We wear pants every day basically unless you're a skirt or dress person. But but clothes are very important so super relatable.

Speaker:

So continue yes so that's my shallow sort of silly answer but what I'm figuring out too I think it's really just what I want the rest of my life to look like but also telling myself it's okay to let go of the things that don't really fit me anymore and that includes ill-fitting pants.

Speaker 1:

Yeah and especially with our lives with our bodies having changed so much over time and figuring out you know in your 40s your body is changing and emotions and hormones and perimenopause and menopause is coming on and anyway all the different things that's finding a good pair of pants is great. And then Yeah and we can just use that as a metaphor too yeah for sure for sure so if you find something you love share it for sure. So Jennia thank you so much for sharing your story and your honesty I think so many lesser listeners are right there with you learning to find themselves again after years of giving so much to others. You can connect with Jennia online I believe do you have like a social media for your books and things that we can find you at?

Speaker:

Yeah so I'm on Facebook as Jennia Harold D'Lima and then my website is jenniaedits.com and I'm also on Instagram as Jennia ahava which is J-E-N-N-I-A-A-H-A-V-A.

Speaker 1:

Nice and I will also link those in the show notes but you can follow along with her as she continues rewriting or excuse me as she continues writing her next chapter both literally and figuratively. If you love this episode don't forget to follow 40-ish and figuring it out and share it with a friend who's in her own season of rediscovery. Cuz at 40-ish we're not done we're just getting started. Thanks guys and have a great day 40-ish and figuring it out is produced and edited by me, Katie Koelliker. Sound mixing also me. We're a very efficient one-woman show over here. The music for this episode was created using the Suno app. Special thanks to Suno for providing licensed royalty free music through their platform. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.